#even though i did way better than expected today i felt so ill. felt like i made my friends angry so many times

[tortademaracuya]

I feel like a thief

[theblue6ook]

"A Sick Day" PT 2

Bruce invites a sick Y/N to stay at his home.

B (24) & Y/N (22)

A/N: I'm back... (let's be honest this one is not my best work, but we have better coming up)

The worst part of her illness wasn’t the migraine pounding in the back of her eyes, her high fever, or even the soreness in her throat. No. It was having to face Alfred after he’d heard about the condition of her sickness.

“I don’t know what’s worse. That Bruce, for the first time in his life, insisted on leaving the house, and in a blizzard - or him leaving to find you, on the verge of death, walking in it!” he bellowed at her. “Out of all the irresponsible-”

Y/N had been quiet since Bruce forced her into the car heading toward Wayne Manor. Alfred had even delightedly greeted her, not expecting the visit... that was until Bruce explained the circumstances. Y/N felt like branding him a tattle tale. The minute they walk in and he’s going on to Alfred, guess who walked to Wayne Enterprises today? She could’ve killed him. 

So now, she sits in an armchair by the fireplace in the main living area. Alfred made sure to cozy her up with a blanket and a cup of something warm and delicious before digging into her about being "irresponsible," as he said. As he dug further, Y/N felt her eyes drooping. Her body began to tingle delightfully. Down her sides, into her fingertips, all the way down to her toes. It was like all the stress from her day-to-day life, her illness, her radiator, was slithering out of her. She sank deeper into the chair, and as Bruce brought her bags in, he looked toward her sleeping form.

"Alfred," he said quietly.

"I'll get to you later," he snipped toward Bruce.

"Alfred," he said firmly, moving his head toward Y/N, and the old man turned toward her.

Alfred sighed deeply and pulled her blanket closer to her chin, taking the drink out of her still hand. He spoke mostly to himself, "What am I going to do with you two?"

“I’ll take her upstairs.” Bruce started to walk toward her until Alfred stopped him. 

“We shouldn’t wake her,” Alfred whispered, but Bruce looked weary. “She needs to rest and I don’t want to risk her waking up again.”

So they left her, in no doubt a medicated sleep in the cozy arms of the recliner by the crackling fireplace.

-

It was dark the next time Y/N stirred. Slowly she opened and rubbed her crusted eyes, her sign of a deep, unbothered sleep. For no longer than a second, she had no idea where she was. That was until her eyes drifted to the large family portrait hanging on the wall.

Leaning upwards in her chair she noticed her drink had long gone cold, now sitting on the table next to her, and the recliner she had been resting in had been leaned back to lift her aching feet. The fire was out, but it was still so warm in the living room. That might have had something to do with the fact that she was swaddled in two blankets. What time was it? Had she slept all day?

Unwrapping herself from the burrito of blankets, she stood on shaking legs. With a crack of her back, she moved toward what she thought she remembered to be the kitchen.

Y/N pushed through a set of dark oat doors and felt her socks slide against the checkered tile. Widening her blurry eyes, she looked toward the microwave clock, and there was no mistaking the time glowing off the stainless steel.

3 a.m.

So, that has to be incorrect. There was just no fathomable way she had fallen asleep this morning, slept all day, and then some. This had to be some stupid joke played by Bruce. It had to be. Grabbing her phone out of her sweatshirt pocket, she lit the screen with a click.

3 a.m.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" She threw her hands against her face groaning. Snow or not, sick or not, she was not the type to skip out on work and though it was her boss's fault she couldn't help but feel the impending doom for when she did have to play catch up. Maybe I can just get a head start tonight? I slept all day anyway.

Looking around the kitchen, Y/N realized she didn't even know where her work bag was, let alone any of her things. She didn't have a chance of finding it in the manor, especially when she's not used to so much space. Honestly, the least Bruce could have done was wake her up to take her to an actual bedroom, or even show her around the manor so she wouldn't get lost... but if he did wake her, she would have surely started working anyway and Bruce knew this. Hence her current predicament.

But she wasn't alone for long. The heat had kicked on, which definitely masked a general nighttime sound, but there was something off about the silence. She swore she almost heard a metallic clicking, like a heavy door, and then shuffling behind her, but when she turned, there was nothing. Just the glow of the microwave clock shining in the darkness.

"What are you doing?"

"HOLY SHIT!"

Turning, she noticed that standing in front of her was a very shirtless, very sweaty Bruce Wayne. The kitchen glow shined off his damp chest, and she felt like she couldn't breathe. This is so inappropriate, she kept thinking, yet her eyes continued moving downward-

He cleared his throat, grinning.

She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding in, "Don't you fucking scare me like that. What are you even doing up?"

"I was just at the gym."

Bewilderment struck her face, "It's 3 o'clock in the morning."

Bruce ignored her, opting to throw the back of his hand against her forehead with his brows furrowed. "Your fever is down, but you're still warm and a little flushed."

It wasn't the fever that warmed her cheeks. He was too close to her and too shirtless. She had never given too much thought to her boss's physique, but she's pretty sure spoiled billionaires aren't typically cut like he is. She stepped back quickly, looking toward the ceiling. 

"Okay, that's enough. I should probably get back to bed anyway.” Backing away toward the double doors, she paused, realizing she had no idea where ‘bed’ was. Bruce walked past her, his back was as impressive as his front.

With a grin, he opened the double doors and nodded his head in the direction of the living room. “Come on. I’ll show you where to go.”

@pank0w @moejoeflow @padsfirewhisky @maxinehufflepuffprincess @pastelsweaters-and-bubble-t @mariadvorak @100520s @st0rmyt @stxrsberkshire

[angstea]

i need to run, but i can't get out of bed for anyone

Fandom: BBC Ghosts

Ship: Caphavers

Series: Auctober 2024

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Summary: Havers has a lot of bad days

AN: The Captain and Havers are both autistic

Title is from Juliet by Cavetown

Written for Auctober Day 28: Safe Foods

Read on AO3

As soon as Anthony cracked his eyes open in the morning, he could tell it was going to be a rough day. The empty darkness covered him like a heavy blanket, pinning him in place. His mind felt foggy, unable to pinpoint anything other than the overwhelming urge to go back to sleep. He tried to rub the sleep from his eyes but still couldn't force his limbs to move.

He knew he should get up, it wouldn't do any good to lie here feeling sorry for himself. He took a deep breath and tried once more to move, at least a little.

His arm shifted and the movement sent a stabbing pain through his shoulder and a sharp ache skittered down his spine. He sucked in a hissing breath through his teeth. His back had been giving him grief since the war and some days were better than others. Honestly, it wasn't just his back. His entire skeletal structure seemed to be in a bid to make his life miserable

His inability to get out of bed was an entirely different issue from the pain he was in though. He'd had days like this since he was a boy, where the weighty shadows in his head became too much to bear and he remained wrapped up in his bed. He often claimed it was illness, leading those around him to simply believe he was prone to sickness. These days were far from the worst to deal with.

The worst days were always the ones where he had enough energy that he couldn't justify staying in bed but none of the willpower to do anything more than the bare minimum. He'd drift through his day, doing everything he needed but hardly speaking, hardly smiling. He'd sit by himself and barely eat, knowing that everyone could tell something wasn't right. He couldn't decide if the sneering whispers or genuine concern were more painful.

At least this wasn't one of those days. He could tell James he was ill and leave it at that. Lying here letting the darkness smother him wasn't exactly a desirable option but it was all he could do.

"Anthony?" And now James was stood in his doorway looking so worried. It made Anthony's chest ache with the guilt of making him feel this way.

James approached, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. His expression was hard to look at and Anthony cast his eyes to the floor.

"One of those days, is it?" he asked softly, placing a gentle hand on Anthony's shoulder.

He wanted to recoil from the affection and care, tell James he was fine. His body stubbornly refused to move. He spoke before he could even think.

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, none of that. The enemy got you while you're weak but there's still time to turn this day around." James was almost beginning to sound like the Captain again but his voice stayed soft, loving. Anthony felt his lips quirk into a very small smile for a brief second.

And now James was pulling away the covers, much to Anthony's dismay. James just smiled fondly as he tugged lightly at Anthony's shoulder, encouraging but not forceful.

"Come on, up."

Anthony unwillingly did as he was told and dragged himself to sit upright, needing an extra supporting hand when his back pain tried to put the whole thing to a stop. He leaned against James' side, head resting on his shoulder.

"Right, first order of business would be breakfast, wouldn't it?" James' tone was light, as if the thought didn't make Anthony feel sick to his stomach.

"No." was his almost petulant reply, hiding his face in the crook of James' neck. "Not today, I just...I can't."

"Please? Anthony, you-"

"James." he pleaded, not having the energy to fight but still too stubborn to let go of his stance. He knew James found it troubling but this was yet another thing he had always struggled with.

Food was not just food, it carried expectations, judgement and anxiety. Expectations to react correctly, judgement at his failure to do so and the anxiety of getting it wrong again. An adverse response to an unexpected texture lead to social rejection, reprimand from authority and overall nothing good.

And that wasn't even mentioning the food itself. Sudden crunches in soft foods jolted through his teeth and sent his flesh crawling with fire. Tastes often could be more overpowering than anticipated and the only way to cease the screaming under his skin was to rock himself back and forth or shake his hands violently or just simply cry. None of these were acceptable behaviour so he either spent mealtimes with a rigid posture and nails digging into his palm to keep his feelings at bay or avoided them all together.

"Fine. Just...at least sit in the kitchen with me then?"

He let out a sigh, he wasn't going to win this battle, and nodded.

James smiled and his heart felt warm, even as the other stood from the bed, depriving Anthony of the physical contact. Before he could even protest, James' hands were in his.

"Come on, on your feet soldier."

His blood ran cold.

The whole battlefield seemed to grind to a halt, everything happening in slow motion. A grenade whistled through the air, soon to make it's deadly impact. A young soldier (and god, Havers didn't even remember his name), barely even 20, if Havers didn't do something he was going to die, he had to-

He made up his mind in a millisecond and he ran to the soldier in question. He shoved the young man as hard as he could to propel him away just as the grenade went off. The explosion roared in his ears as Havers was thrown off his feet. Pain seared through the left side of his face and everything suddenly snapped back into place and resumed its normal pace.

The landing was painful. He hit the ground with his right shoulder first and the impact sent shockwaves through his whole body. He managed to crack his eyes open but found he could only see out of one, warm blood running down his face and getting in his eye.

"Major!" A hand grabbed his shoulder and roughly dragged him to his feet, pulling a cry of pain from him. "Come on, on your feet soldier!"

"Anthony."

Havers gasped and opened his eyes. He was rocking back and forth and squeezing the Captain's hands tightly. Why was he holding the Captain's hands?

"Anthony, look at me."

He managed to drag his gaze from the floor up to the Captain's face. His stomach twisted oddly and he stared off to the side to make it stop. Faces were hard to look at right now.

"Are you back with me?"

Havers managed a halting nod. "Yes, sir."

The Captain frowned. Why was he upset?

Oh.

"James." he corrected quickly. "Yeah, I'm here James."

His lips turned into a smile and Anthony couldn't help but reciprocate.

James gently took him by the arm and pulled him to his feet, guiding him to the bedroom door. He wasn't sure why James felt the need to support him, he was perfectly able to walk, thank you. Although, he couldn't bring himself to oppose. The contact offered him a little comfort.

Even after so many of these days, he wasn't sure why James' kindness still shocked him. He couldn't quite squash the voice in the back of his mind that screamed that James would abandon him in a heartbeat and he was ashamed that part of him thought so low of the man.

They walked the familiar route down to their kitchen. Usually, James would start on the tea and Anthony would find something for their breakfasts. Instead, Anthony was situated at the table while James took on both tasks. Something in his stomach swirled uneasily at the disruption.

James reached to open the kitchen curtains and his heart rate suddenly spiked.

"Wait!" he couldn't stifle the shout before it fell from his mouth. James withdrew his hand liked he'd been burned and turned to look at his...friend. "Don't open the curtains...please."

And James just nodded in understanding. Sometimes it was easier to stay hidden.

-

James knew exactly what he was doing. Anthony was sure of it

A plate in the middle of the table. Four pieces of toast, all untouched. Two with butter, two with jam. Two for James, two for Anthony.

James wasn't eating his breakfast, merely sending a pointed look across the table and sipping his tea. He wasn't going to give in until Anthony did.

And maybe it took a five minute stand off for him to finally, begrudgingly, take a small bite from the corner of a piece of toast.

And maybe he felt better. But he would never admit that outloud.

[echantedtoon]

Until Death Do You Vow Ch9 Family Secrets P2

(Warnings: Mentioning of Elias's illness and abusive family situation. Mentioning of Ian cheating. Some innuendos.)

The stress you felt now pounded in your skull. Or was that your heart actually beating a mile a minute? You couldn't tell at this point. It felt like you could feel your heart pounding all over your body and heard it up close right in your ears. Before it wasn't so bad because you had at least the comfort of Taylor in your ear in case you needed any help but now the weight of being completely alone hit you harder than if you ran face first into a brick wall. Great. You were now completely alone now- Well not really. Elias would be back any minute now and then he'd be insisting on having that ceremony. From what you could figure, this ceremony would either give Elias the closure he needed to move on or only seal you further into this mess. You didn't know what that meant for you to begin with. 

You groaned holding your head in your hands. But Taylor was coming here. You had no idea how that was going to play out especially when Elias saw him. You didn't know if that was comforting or not either. Your thoughts were all jumbled up and hard to pinpoint down. 

"My dearest, are you still there?"

Ah. Speak of the ghost. There wasn't any point in delaying the enviable now. You were never great actor anyways... Also it might just be better to come clean to Elias about the entire situation anyways. You simply just turned to the door with your head still in your hands with a sigh.

"Yeah. I'm here." You mumbled not sure if he heard you or not but in a moment the blue body of the ghost turned around to peer into the doorway with a smile.

"Ah. There you are, Dear!" He smiled as he floated on in. "Everything is finally prepared. There's only the matter of-" Elias paused blinking as he took in your numb face staring at him before looking worried. "Oh dear. You look even paler than me." Yeah. You probably did. "What on earth happened while I was gone?"

You opened your mouth... before sighing and again rubbing your head. "I'm fine..." Now seemed like a good of a time as ever before Taylor showed up and surprised Elias and Taylor did say to stall for time right. "I just lost contact with someone important to me just now."

"Someone... important?"

Great.. What's a good way to explain this to him? "Have you ever been contacted by a spirit medium?" You looked up at his face. "He's kinda like that. He's been helping me through the mansion and talking to me..Well until my phone lost power." You held up your dead phone unsure if Elias knew what it was.

"You were talking with someone else?" His face furrowed into a look.

"For my own safety. I didn't know what to expect."

"I thought you expected me."

"I didn't know what to expect. Maybe you weren't here or the rumors were faked or maybe it was a different ghost haunting this place.." You shrugged. "I needed his help in case. For my own safety. You understand that right?" 

Elias pouted. Which honestly did look cute on his features. "And did you just meet this friend today or...?" 

"I've known Taylor for almost three years now. That's my friend," you explained to his pouting face, "We've been doing a few hunts for the paranormal and that's why I'm here. I already told you about trying to go see if there was any ghosts here right?" 

He smiled a little bit. "Then how marvelous you've come to meet me. Although would you have accepted any other ghosts that sought your hand?"

"Probably not." That answer seemed to please him more. "I don't think a lot of ghosts outside you would be interested in this though."

"And this..'friend', how exactly has he been serving as a medium?"

"With this." Your hand reached up to gently pull the earpiece from your ear, the size of an earbud and held it out in your palm as Elias blinked at it in confusion. "You might've seen other paranormal investigators have them. This is an earpiece. It goes in your ear and sorta acts like a phone, but when my phone lost power so did this. We use it to talk to each other."

"So im order to contact him again, you'd have to leave?," he asked slowly as if he didn't like that idea.

"Actually he's on his way here." Elias looked up in surprise. "He's not planning on leaving me here alone. For safety reasons.

"Oh. Is that so?" Elias looked up at the ceiling suddenly fiddling with the ring on his finger. Wait..Was he getting jealous of Taylor? "Well he's heard about the wedding right? OUR wedding?" You nodded. "Well, I suppose a wedding without guests isn't much of a wedding. All preparations are nearly made anyway, and I hope he realizes how safe you are with me by now. He may wait outside until we've finished fully."

That made you pause and this. Could Taylor even get into the mansion? Was he locked out? WERE YOU LICKED IN HERE?!...No. No. Elias didn't give you the vibes of holding anyone hostage but could you leave with this pact thing tying you here? Could he even make it before you married a ghost?!

"Shall we put the final touches on this affair?"

You blinked snapping out of your thoughts before lowering your hand. "Oh. S-Sure. What else do you need? Decorations? Maybe you need help cleaning the room for the ceremony?"

He chuckled at you waving a hand. "Nothing like that although the kindful offer is most appreciated. No. I'm talking about gifting you my wedding gift." You paused. "You shall now be presented to the family jewels." 

He turned and you were glad he did because you tried hard not to laugh or snort having to bite your tongue to not laugh as Elias floated to the wall just above the vanity. Confused you rose a brow only to stare in shock as a piece of the wall pulled inward where he pressed and the vanity MOVED. It shook a little bit before it sank lower revealing a hidden compartment tucked deep into its wood. A secret passage in a haunted house. There was a classic you could mark off the bucket list. Elias hummed again and smiled widely reaching inside only to pull out a wooden box.

"Ah. Here we are then." Smiling he turned back to you and headed over before holding out the box and opening it as he spoke. "Behold."

"Elias, I really don't think-" Your voice died in a choke as you looked inside the box. Jaw dropping. Eyes going wide.

HOLY COW!!

An entire set of jewelry was staring at you in the face. All it was missing from was a bracelet. A small pair of orange earrings with a love knot at the base with an opal centerpiece and green sapphire near the bottom. A diamond ring with a golden band and as you squinted at it, you could vaguely make out the word Gallagher written inside the band in fancy cursive. And a very expensive looking...Your eyes nearly bulged out from your skull as soon as your eyes laid on the necklace laid neatly inside a cushioned box. Smooth chain of pearls with a swinging ruby amulet.

That's the one Violet Dupont was wearing in the first vision you saw! How was it still here?! Did Elias take it back before he died? Did he take it back after death? Did Violet end up giving it back for whatever reason? You didn't know how long you were staring wide eyed and shocked at the set but when your senses returned it was to Elias slipping the ring on your opposite hand with a smile. 

"There we are. Gorgeous." He almost cooed looking at both your hands and admiring the two rings he placed on each hand. 

Your jaw snapped closed and your face turned a red. "E-Elias." He hummed looking at you half lidded. "I'm really f-flattered. Really I am. But are you sure you're ok with me wearing this? Didn't these belong to one of your sisters or your mom?"

He sighed nodding. "They were my mother's and at one point they would've gone to my eldest sister or to the first woman that married one of my brothers. Or to.." He paused again before shivering and letting go to reach back into the box. "But as you're the only lady who shall be married into my family, they rightfully go to you."

It was sorta a soft blur. One minute you were trying to politely decline his gift and then the next you were wearing two thirds of the set with Elias behind you gently clasping the last piece, the necklace, around your neck phasing through the long veil without tearing the delicate material. Your hand went to hold up the shiny ruby staring at you. It felt very heavy with all the implications behind it. So many unanswered questions and so much pressure weighed on your mind. As sweet and kind as Elias was, this just didn't feel right.

"There. You look beautiful, Dear." He smiled wider leaning around to gage your reaction but paused seeing your sad frown staring at the amulet around your neck. "Darling? What's wrong? Is the jewelry not to your liking?"

...You shook your head slowly still staring at the amulet. "N-No. They're all really pretty but it just doesn't feel right." F/c eyes turned to look at his expression. "I know you said it's ok, but it just doesn't feel right wearing something that means so much to someone else. I'm not saying I don't appreciate your gift. Any girl would be lucky to get these, but...They come with a heavy background and I-.... I don't feel like I know about your past enough to accept this."

There was a stunned silence as Elias regarded you for a long, LOOOONNNGGG moment looking over your sad state before sighing and coming to sit on the bed next to you. Eyes looking at his clasped hands. You didn't say anything either. Not exactly sure what to say. The only sounds being the storm outside with the rain still hitting the roof...Until Elias finally spoke without looking up.

"Where shall I start?"

You hesitated without looking up either before sighing. "Well... Your life story would be nice. I promise I'm a good listener." You've had three years of listening to Taylor's ramblings to back that up.

The silence and rain continued for a little while longer.

"....How much of my life do you know about me? I can start from there depending on how much you do know?"

You shrugged. "I know you lived and died during the Victorian era almost two hundred years ago. And I know that you're about my age." Physically at least. "And I know your mom and dad's names and I saw some old death records on your family. And some newspaper clippings on what happened to you..." You said honestly and as gently as possible. "And I heard rumors about you still haunting the place but I didn't know if that was true until I met you."

Elias fell silent once more before he inhaled deeply. "I must confess that I was born quite sickly, and my birth came with so many complications that it nearly killed my mother. Even after that ordeal there was nothing the doctors could do to help my weak constitution." You slowly looked up at him but he only kept looking at his hands. "I suppose that's why my father and siblings me the way they did. I was seen as a nuisance. A problem. I don't entirely blame them."

Your hand reached out hesitantly before you gently grabbed his arm. "I'm...so sorry."

"It's  far away in the past now, so enough about that."

You decided not to press about his family anymore but there was something else that still bothered you. The necklace felt heavier on your throat like it was a bowling ball hung around there instead of a little charm.

"Then...What about your previous wife-to-be?"

There was an instant reaction from the ghost. His face went completely blank. Pupils small, and hands clenched into fists. You instantly winced and felt so bad as the silence stretched onwards...but he eventually turned his head exhaling.

"Her name was Violet. Violet Dupont and the sister to our groundskeeper. We never wed because she betrayed me the day before our wedding. I suppose she and Gerald were desperate. I should've been on my guard when they continued to ask about the location of the family Jewels day after day. I thought the necklace, the grandest piece in the collection, would be enough to hold her interest. I promised to share the rest with her after our ceremony. But before I could even cry for help, Gerald held me down while Violent-..." He trailed off again and you squeezed his arm in reassurance.

"It's alright. You don't have to say anything else about it...Tell me something else about you. What did you really like aside from reading and the flowers in the greenhouse."

There was a moment of Elias not looking at you before he slowly tilted his head back over with a small smile. "Well..aside from the flowers there was a family heirloom that belonged to my grandmother. It was an antique silver mirror and a charming one at that. At least..." He frowned again. "That was before it shattered." Elias stood (floated-) back up phasing through your grip and went back over to the vanity. You had an idea of what he was going to get and your thoughts were confirmed when he picked up the box, turned around, and opened it tilting it enough to allow you to see the shards inside. "I liked it quite a lot and ended up taking it out of the attic during my early childhood. I used to look in it and imagine myself as some fair prince."

You giggled. "That's pretty cute,and suiting since you're pretty handsome.~"

He again turned a deep blue before looking away. "T-Thank you. But alas my siblings would often mock my love of the mirror, and with such a weak constitution and gentleman demeanor, there was little I could do. When six people who aren't very fond of you get physical..well you can imagine what might happen." Elias gave the mirror one last sad look before he closed the lid with a sigh turning. "The mirror shattered and I was the one blamed. Grandmother didn't seem to mind but I cried for days. Maybe it was guilt, sentimentality, or fear but I couldn't part with it. I forbad and of the servants to remove it and kept all the pieces." The box was carefully placed back onto the vanity. "It was supposed to be a wedding gift, and I was determined to have it fixed one day."

And it could also very well be the source of the curse but Elias doesn't know that. "Sounds like that day never came."

He nodded again. "Indeed. It was one of my biggest regrets from when I was alive as silly as it sounds."

"I don't think it's silly. That mirror meant a lot to you, and I think it's sweet you'd want to fix it."

He smiled back to you. "Thank you, Dear. It means a lot. And I hope it's not too much to ask..." He hesitated for a second. "Can I ask what had happened between yourself and your past beloved?"

You paused blinking before looking at him. "My ex?" ...You shrugged. "Well there's not much to say about him that I haven't already told you." You again placed your head into your hands frowning annoyed. "We did go to the same highschool and took theater..Well, he really took theater. I only took in one year in highschool because I thought it'd be fun. I never knew him much back then...Never really interacted much but he seemed like an ok guy. Didn't see him after graduation until his first year in college. See I didn't go to college right away. I wanted to work a year first and save up some money."

You weren't sure if Elias understood the concepts of a highschool or much else but he nodded with his arms crossed before gesturing for you to go on. "And where did you two really meet?"

"I had a job at Zephyr University's cafeteria. That's where people go and buy food to eat. Ian seemed to visit there a lot and was alone a lot of the time. I felt bad for him and I started talking to him." You shrugged. "He seemed cute and sweet, and I liked how hard he tried to do things. We started dating about halfway through his first year there and everything seemed fine. ... Although I guess it being my first relationship blind sided me. I was young and dumb as they say and didn't see the signs."

"But didn't he leave you for another woman?"

"No. I WAS the other woman. I just didn't know it yet." You scowled at nothing. "Then I started college after the first year we started dating and I met Taylor in a similar way. He's a really good friend who saw through Ian's acting. I guess that's why they didn't like each other. Then Ian started forcing himself to be more affectionate with me and he proposed to me and I dumbly said yes. Things were moving way too fast but I was 'in love' and didn't care and ignored the marching red flags in my face."

Elias tilted his head. "Pardon but why would he wave red flags in your face? That seems like a rude thing to do."

"It's a figure of speech. It means I was ignoring his suspicious behavior." You scowled harder glaring in rage at the floor. "I didn't find out anything UNTIL the wedding which he never showed up too until everyone already left! Then I find out not only did he already have a boyfriend or girlfriend the entire time we dated, but the only reason he shoved love down my throat was because that person found out and broke up with him and he thought he could force himself to actually like me! So not only did he actually not like me to begin with, he also lied to me, cheated on me, made me look like an idiot in front of literally everyone, made me feel terrible for a really long time, and then humiliated me even more by revealing that I wasn't even the center person. I was the side piece!"

Elias looked a mix of disgusted and angry placing a hand to his chest. "What a rat! He wasn't even man enough to call it off before your ceremony! If he ever as so much as even talks to you again-"

You held up a hand. "Relax. He transferred to a different university two weeks after that. Taylor really gave him an earful in the cafeteria though, nearly got us kicked off campus. I haven't seen him in almost three years... Taylor was there for me the entire time. He might be stubborn and annoy me a lot with his antics..but he's a really good friend."

In fact he was probably the only one who was there for you during the time after. The only one who waited as long as you did waiting for Ian who never showed up-

Tears streamed down your cheeks hot and blurry from all the running make up. You only looked up when footsteps came up beside you and you jumped when a dozen napkins were pressed into your face.

"Here. Your make up is running all over your face."

Through blurry eyes you looked back up to Taylor and snatched up the napkins from him. "G-Gee! I w-wonder *hic* why!" You glared at him through the hiccuping and messy make up.

Taylor held up his hands. "I didn't mean to step on your toes, Bud. What happened?" His gaze temporarily turned to the venue. "I guess he called off the wedding huh?"

"H-He *hic* cheated on m-m-me," you somehow managed to choke out.

"WHAT?!" His head snapped to you so fast it might've went flying if it wasn't attached to his neck. 

"H-He s-s-said that h-he L-Loved his ex a-and I w-was..."More tears were already replacing the ones that spilt out of your eyes as Taylor scowled.

"He did that!? I can't believe it! UGH! I knew it! I KNEW HE WAS BAD NEWS!!...Bud, c'mon." A hand awkwardly patted your back. "Are you alright?"

"I w-wanna go home.*Gasp* I j-just w-wanna go home."

"Yeah. Yeah...I-Ill drive you home. We can get some pizza from that cheap joint down the street a-and we'll just eat all the grease our stomachs can handle. Sounds good?"

"Well fear no longer, for that snake shall never know a ceremony like ours." You were jolted out of memory lane to Elias close again and taking your hand in his. "I'm quite eager for our ceremony. I think it'll be something glorious. I've always wanted a grand wedding, and to think I'll be marrying someone as lovely as you. Come. I have much to show you."

There really was no more stalling it was there? You didn't say anything. There wasn't really any good excuses to make anymore as Elias made his wants clear. You only silently nodded with a sigh and took your time slipping on your uncomfortable heels again and slowly stood up only for Elias to kindly hold up the bouquet you carried with you all night. Right. Wouldn't want to forget about that you guessed. You only gave a sad smile when you took it, and then Elias tugged you towards the doorway. The sounds of your heels echoed throughout the halls, mocked and laughed at by the rain outside. The annoying front of the veil once again covering your face as if it was in a last ditch effort to hide your uncertainty unease. He lend you down the stairs one last time, your new accessories adding weight to your body.

"Soon we shall be wed, my darling Y/n, and we'll have the rest of eternity together. Are you excited?"

"Oh. I certainly am speechless, and feeling a lot of emotions at once." 

That wasn't a lie and your answer seemed to please him. He lead you to the bottom of the stairs back in the foyer careful not to let you trip on anything before strangely leading you to a door you hadn't seen before behind the stairs. He let go of you to float over, place one hand on the doorknob, and smiled back to you.

"Are you ready, my love? I have worked tirelessly to prepare the old ballroom for our ceremony, and while we may not have any guests, I do hope that you'll be pleased."

Your throat felt tight. Where was Taylor?! He should've been here by now! There was barely anything to stop this now and if you declined then you weren't sure what to do. Elias wouldn't force you into marriage, you know that, but the entire situation was too difficult for a true answer.

"I'm sure whatever you did will look beautiful, Elias. Y-You worked really hard on it a-and that's all that matters," you could barely force out to be polite.

He lit up. "Excellent. Then without further ado."

With that he pushed the doors open.

[chvoswxtch]

Hi 🙋‍♀️ it’s me again

Thank you for being lovely, I’m so glad your requests are open!

Little backstory, I have undiagnosed ✨ spinal issues ✨ which give me chronic back and neck pain. Despite this, I really like the feeling of pressure on my neck and back. Like someone’s firm grip on the back of my neck, or them snuggled up against my back. Idk just that contact makes me feel better.

Lately, my neck has been worse than normal and hurts whenever I do not have it rested against something like a pillow or headrest to help hold it up for me.

I was hoping it would be okay to request a little blurb or something of everyone’s favorite soft bad boy Frank Castle offering to give you a little neck massage?

hi my darling! thank YOU for being so lovely, and thank you so much for the request. you can absolutely request everyone's favorite soft bad boy whenever you want.

I apologize this took longer than I expected to get out, but I hope it brings you the comfort you need! i've dealt with back problems for years (nothing even close to what you're dealing with though, my poor angel) so I totally get how much it sucks when nothing seems to help. I hope today is a better day for you, and you're not in too much pain. if I could snap my fingers & make frankie appear in your bedroom with his magic hands nonnie, I totally would. I hope this helps. ❤️

there's really no warnings for this except frank being cute and sweet as hell. also i'm not sure if the glitch with dark mode has been fixed or not but if you're on dark mode, you may have trouble viewing this. I apologize for any inconvenience reading in advance! word count: 1.5k

magic hands.

A soft whine of discontent slipped past your lips as a surge of pain shot down your spine. You gingerly rubbed at the back of your neck, trying to alleviate some of the distress that was plaguing your entire spinal cord. No matter what you did, the pain didn’t go away. If anything, the more you tried to soothe the sting, the more the discomfort spread throughout your neck and back. Soft pillows and heating pads seemed to provide a little help, but not enough to where you felt like you could function normally. Hell, even holding your own head up was sometimes unbearable. 

“You alright?”

You jumped slightly when Frank’s gruff voice cut through the silence of your bedroom and winced when you turned your head a little too quickly for your body’s liking.

“Shit, I didn’t even hear you come in. You have to make noise when you get here, we talked about this. You’re seriously gonna send me into cardiac arrest one of these days.”

Frank had snuck up on you one too many times, and you were certain that’s how you were gonna go. Death by shock because your boyfriend likes to test how prepared you are for a surprise intruder. You’d think by this point he’d have given up on his lessons, but if anything it made him double down even harder on them. Frank didn’t budge when it came to your safety and preparedness.

His eyes narrowed slightly as he studied your form, and you quickly removed your hand from your neck despite the lingering burn. Your relationship with Frank was still a bit new, and you weren’t sure how to approach certain topics without feeling a twinge of anxiety. You hated hiding things from him, but you also weren’t sure how to bring it up. Frank was already very overprotective, and you knew without a shadow of a doubt he would never make you feel like a burden like others had in the past, but it was still nerve wracking. You two were still in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship where everything was fresh and exciting and new; everything a chronic illness wasn’t. You wanted to stay in your little bubble outside reality for a while longer. You wanted Frank to keep feeling the excitement of something fresh and new too. You wanted him to keep feeling that “honeymoon” way about you. 

“I’m fine.”

“Don’t look fine. What’s botherin’ you?”

“My neck’s a little stiff, that’s all. Think I slept on it wrong.”

Frank arched one of his dark brows quizzically, leaning against the doorframe of your bedroom as he folded his arms over his chest. He nearly took up the entire frame. God he looked good today. Well, he looked good everyday. It really wasn’t fair. He probably didn’t even take five whole minutes to get ready this morning. It must be nice to be able to just wake up and-

“You’re a shit liar, you know that?”

You gawked at Frank’s blunt admission, your mouth hanging open slightly as he stared over you with a light smirk tugging at the edge of his month. 

“I am not.”

“Are too. You got no poker face, sweetheart. You couldn’t lie to save your damn life.”

You mirrored Frank’s actions as you crossed your arms over your own chest, wincing slightly as the motion pulled at the furious muscles in your back.

“Well, excuse me for not being good at being shady.”

Frank’s smirk dropped the second he caught your wince. He let out a deep exhale as he made his way over towards you, taking a seat on the edge of your bed and placing his large hand on your knee.

“C’mon honey, talk to me. I can see you’re in pain. Don’t bother lyin’. What is it?”

A heavy sigh escaped your lips. There was no use trying to argue with Frank when he was adamant about something. He would get what he wanted out of you, by whatever means necessary. His other methods would be deliciously tempting if your body weren’t actively betraying you. 

“It’s…my neck, and my back. They’ve been bothering me a lot lately, and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to make it better. I’ve seen so many doctors about it, and I still don’t really have any answers. I kinda just…have to wait for it to pass.”

“Why didn’t you say somethin’ sweetheart?”

Because I was scared you wouldn’t think I was new and exciting anymore. 

Because I was scared you would think I was too much.

Because there’s nothing sexy about chronic pain. 

“I…guess I didn’t want to bother you with it.”

“Bother me? Why would somethin’ you can’t control bother me?”

It sounded stupid when it said it out loud, like it was the simplest thing in the world.

“What can I do?”

Your brows furrowed slightly as you looked at Frank, noticing the sincerity swirling around in the depths of dark brown.

“What?”

“What can I do to make it better?”

“Oh…um, I’m not sure. I’m still figuring that out.”

Frank rubbed at his chin with his palm, eyes scanning over your body like he was looking for some kind of invisible clue.

“What’s it feel like? More of a soreness or sharp sting?”

“Uh…little bit of both. Kinda depends.”

“What’s it feel like right now?”

“More on the sore side, like I just got hit by a truck hauling a bunch of other very large trucks.”

Frank tried his best not to laugh as he shook his head slowly, kicking off his boots as he looked at you with a warm smile.

“Okay, I can work with that. You mind if I try somethin’?”

“Not at all.”

Frank carefully moved to sit behind you against the headboard, stretching his legs out on either side of yours. His large hands hovered over your shoulders as he leaned in to speak quietly into your ear.

“If this hurts at all, even a little, tell me and I’ll stop, yeah?”

You nodded slowly as you closed your eyes, enjoying the feeling of Frank’s strong chest pressed against your back. You found yourself instinctively leaning back into his embrace, finding relief in the warmth of his body heat and the pressure of him pressed against you. A loud sigh flew from your mouth when his large hand wrapped around the base of your neck and applied a bit of pressure. He halted immediately, and you could feel his heart thrum against your back.

“You alright?”

“Yeah…yeah, that felt really good.”

Frank squeezed the back of your neck gently, rubbing his thumb in slow circles and applying a little more pressure every time. Gradually he began to massage at your shoulders and the top of your back, kneading his fingers into your aching muscles. His hands were so warm and the force behind them felt divine. Your body hadn’t felt this relaxed or loose in so long, it made you want to cry.

“How you doin’, pretty girl?”

“Feels amazing, Frank. Please keep going.”

“Sure thing, honey. Whatever you need.”

Your head dropped between your shoulders as Frank worked out every ounce of tension in the angry tissue covering your neck and back. It seemed even your body couldn’t deny the magic of Frank Castle’s hands as the vengeful pain succumbed to the sweet relief of his affection. You lost track of how long you sat there in his lap, but you could have sat there forever. It wasn’t just his hands that made the discomfort melt away. It was him. 

It was the comforting pressure of his presence, being able to feel the strength of his heart’s rhythm against your skin, and the blazing warmth that radiated from deep within him. It was the thrill of having his hands on you, knowing exactly what those hands were capable of, and reveling in the juxtaposition of how rough and heavy they felt on your skin with such delicate motions and care. It was the spicy earthiness of his cologne that draped over you like a blanket, lulling you further into the safe haven that was simply Frank.

“You have magic hands.”

Frank chuckled lowly as you settled further into his chest, brushing his nose along your cheek before pressing a sweet kiss in the same spot.

“That right?”

“Mhm. I mean I already knew that. You’ve proved to me plenty of times you’re good with your hands. But you’re really good with them.” 

“Glad you think so, sweetheart. How you feelin’?”

“Better. So much better. Can we stay like this for a while longer?”

“Course. Only place I gotta be is right here with you.”

[queen-dahlia]

𝐆𝐢𝐥𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭 𝐯𝐨𝐧 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐧

𝗠𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗥𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗲 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝟭𝟵 𝗣𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗶𝘂𝗺

Note: Translation is not 100% accurate. Expect grammatical errors.

// : alternate translation | ⫘⫘ : flashback

My second night at Obsidian was by no means peaceful.

Lord Gilbert invites me to eat the cookies with him on the bed in an ill-mannered way.

But I can't taste it.

When I cast my eyes down, cold fingers grabbed my chin as if to say no—

Gilbert: "Hey, I want you to tell me one thing too..."

Gilbert: "You haven't made eye contact with me once today. Why?"

The blood-colored eyes, which do not reflect any emotion, loom in front of me.

A faint exhale mingled with the breath, and my breathing became shallow.

Emma: "… I feel like it."

Gilbert: "You're still reeling from yesterday, aren't you?"

Emma: "If you know what I mean, don't ask."

Gilbert: "I'm asking you because I don't know. ...How can we make up?"

Emma: "It's not like we're fighting."

Gilbert: "You're mad at me, aren't you? For saying, "You'll be glad if I die."

(Even though you know.)

I gently brush off Lord Gilbert's hand, keep my distance from him, and nod.

Gilbert: "You are such a saint that you would respect even the life of a villain. Aren't you kind?"

I understand, but it doesn't add up. I think that's how Lord Gilbert is feeling right now.

(Even if he is the worst of the worst, Lord Gilbert is—)

Emma: "… The owner once told me that Lord Gilbert used to be a boy with a beautiful heart."

Gilbert: "Ahaha, what is that?"

Emma: "And he even told me that I am like Lord Gilbert."

Gilbert: "… Huh?"

I felt the atmosphere around Lord Gilbert sway slightly.

Emma: "I am often told by Rio and others that "I take care of others and neglect myself..."

Emma: "Lord Gilbert, you also did this in the beginning, didn't you?"

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

Gilbert: "There are different criteria for evaluating a beautiful heart…"

Gilbert: "Let's define beauty in your case as "having more love for others than for yourself."

⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘⫘

(I wasn't aware of that, but if everyone says so, I have to admit it.)

I am not neglecting myself by any means.

I'm just happy when people around me laugh... That's all.

Emma: "If Lord Gilbert's root is the same as mine, then you chose the path of becoming evil yourself for the sake of others."

Emma: "There had to be a price to pay to correct the deceit and corruption."

Emma: "I think that's what this is all about."

Gilbert: "No way, is that what you think of me?"

Lord Gilbert tries to laugh it off, but his eyes are not smiling.

It didn't seem to be a misguided consideration.

Gilbert: "And even if that were true, then what is beyond that?"

Gilbert: "Are you going to say, "You are actually a good person. So you shouldn't die?"

Gilbert: "Ahaha, don't do that, okay? That's disgusting."

Emma: "I won't say it. Whatever the reason, Lord Gilbert chose the path of evil."

Emma: "It's ridiculous to think you're a good person, and I've never thought so."

Gilbert: "Then you don't mind if I die, do you?"

Emma: "You're taking this too far!"

Gilbert: "Yeah? I think death is the norm for villains."

Emma: "I think it's cowardly. When you die, it only makes you feel better."

Gilbert: ". . . . . ."

Gilbert: "Ahaha! Yes, that's right. I see, you're the type of person who wants to make life a living hell, aren't you?"

Gilbert: "So when I think about you being angry... well..."

Emma: "Don't get me wrong! I don't care if it is a living hell or not."

Emma: "It's just... just..."

Emma: "… It's just too unrewarding."

Gilbert: ". . . . . ."

(This person... Why is he trying to fulfill his ideals even at the cost of his own life?)

If it were me—I wouldn't be able to fulfill such a great ideal for a stranger.

Not unless you have someone really close to you—someone that you absolutely want to protect from deceit and corruption.

(Me and Lord Gilbert are different. But if we're similar, then maybe...)

Emma: "My definition of a friend is "someone who is fun to be with, makes you laugh, and makes you want to wish them happiness."

Emma: "And Lord Gilbert is my friend."

Emma: "… If you're my friend, don't try to leave me."

(I really don't think it should be rewarded.)

(Including the Blood-Stained Rose Day, Lord Gilbert does things that are unforgivable.)

I can't honestly wish for happiness, either.

I even feel like there is blood in my words.

(So, only in this room.)

(Only when it's just the two of us…)

Emma: "I... did not dislike Lord Gilbert's malicious kindness."

Emma: "Why would I want to kill such a person?"

(If I could kill, I wouldn't be in such pain all the time.)

(That's why... I got so angry.)

Gilbert: "… That's so sweet it's repulsive."

(. . . . . .)

The words of rejection were wrapped in a countless number of thorns that I didn't expect to be aimed at a friend.

Gilbert: "If my single word can set Rhodolite on fire, and killing me won't do that—"

Gilbert: "Are you still going to say, "I don't want you to die," when you have to make a choice like that?"

Gilbert: "Me or Rhodolite. If such a balance is held out in front of you, you won't hesitate."

Emma: "No, I am lost. I'm lost and confused, and I will find another way."

Gilbert: "What if a lot of people die in the meantime?"

Emma: ". . . . . ."

Gilbert: "That's what I am to you."

Gilbert: "You can't be with me unless you're ready to kill me."

Gilbert: "Unless you want to be a traitor in the truest sense of the word…?"

(It was Lord Gilbert who first offered me a "friend," so why is he pushing me away like that?)

(… It's as if you want me to wish you dead.)

I knew from the beginning that Lord Gilbert's definition of "friend" was different from mine.

But when the perceptions don't mesh this well, I am beyond angry and in despair.

(If Lord Gilbert thinks that way, he shouldn't have been so kind to me in the first place.)

(What he says and what he does are in contradiction.)

(I wonder if he wants to make me suffer. ...that's a possibility.)

Gilbert: "Hehe... just the right opportunity. I have something I was going to give you when we get back to the castle."

(In this way…?) **

Lord Gilbert stands up and takes a small case out of the drawer of his office desk.

The lid of the case, which was obviously made of high-quality material, was opened, and as I approached it and looked inside, I saw that it was something of a shape I had never seen before, something I had no idea what it would be used for.

(… I don't know what it is, but I know it's not good.)

It's a polished piece of silver.

When I look closely, I can see that the metal is decorated with delicate roses.

The metal had a rotating golden round thing on it and a bright red rose charm on the black part that appeared to be the handle.

Gilbert: "Yes, Little Bunny."

Lord Gilbert makes me hold it with a smile.

It felt so comfortable in my hand as if it had been made for me.

Gilbert: "That face... you've never seen it in Rhodolite, have you?"

Emma: "Is this common in Obsidian?"

Gilbert: "No. This is a prototype that I made, so it's not on the market."

Gilbert: "But it's easy to use."

Lord Gilbert grips the cylindrical silver part and presses it against his own chest.

I instinctively had a bad feeling that made me break out in a cold sweat.

Gilbert: "First, this is a safety device, so remove it, then turn this. And if you finally pull the trigger—"

Gilbert: "Even Little Bunny could kill people easily."

Emma: "Ah..."

It slips from my hand, and Lord Gilbert grabs it before it hits the ground.

Gilbert: "Don't drop it because it might explode if it oscillates."

Gilbert: "Well, there is no live ammo in it right now. Don't forget to load it properly when you use it for real."

Emma: "Lord Gilbert, this is..."

Gilbert: "It's a gun."

(Oh, my god!)

(No, wait, is this a gun in the first place?)

The guns... I believe they were a new type of weapon that has been seen on the battlefield in recent years.

But the guns I learned about from books would not be so small or easy to handle.

(It's totally different from the guns I know.)

(Even though Obsidian is an advanced country in military technology, this is...)

My fingertips tremble at the thought of holding a tool that could easily take someone's life.

Lord Gilbert noticed this, put the rose gun on the desk, and gently wrapped his hand around mine.

Gilbert: "You know as well that my gift is to accept or be accepted."

Emma: "I don't have any use for this stuff!"

Gilbert: "Right now? You might think this is a murder weapon."

Gilbert: "But in other words, it could also be a "weapon needed to protect what is important" to you."

Gilbert: "But I'm sure you'll have limited opportunities to use it. As long as I'm here, your life isn't in danger."

Gilbert: "But you see, I am your greatest enemy and world disaster, protecting you."

Gilbert: "There will always come a time of choice. There's no harm in having it."

(How can you say that?)

(... Do you really want me to kill you?)

Emma: "I will not accept this time. I will never, ever accept this!"

I tried to shake his hand off vigorously, but Lord Gilberto tightened his grip and…

Gilbert: "You're not very understanding."

He pulled out a nearby chair and forced me to sit down.

Then he kneels down in front of me and pulls up my skirt.

Emma: "What are you doing!?"

Gilbert: "If you resist, I'll tie you up, okay?"

Emma: "Unreasonable..."

Gilbert: "You're a hostage, so you have to understand."

Cold fingertips touch my thighs, and my body trembles involuntarily.

(What are you really doing...?)

I seriously thought about kicking him off, but he didn't seem to want to touch me, instead, Lord Gilbert picked up something like a leather belt that was on the desk and began to wrap it around my leg.

Gilbert: "Yep, it fits."

Smiling with satisfaction, he attaches the gun to the belt.

Apparently, it was an accessory for carrying a gun.

Gilbert: "Carry this weapon with you at all times."

(… You're not listening to me at all.)

When I appealed to him with my gaze as if I couldn't understand his words,

Lord Gilbert notices this, softens his eyes, and for some reason bites my thigh.

Emma: "Hey, why would you do that!?"

Gilbert: "Oh, am I mistaken? You had a cocky look in your eye, I thought you wanted me to bite you."

Emma: "You know that's not true, right?"

Gilbert: "Hehe…"

With a confident smile, Lord Gilbert clenched his teeth, far from feeling sorry.

The mark on my thigh was painful... yet there was a glamor that I couldn't look at directly.

Gilbert: "But if you don't, you'll die, okay? That's what this place is about."

Emma: "… Don't you hate authority?"

Gilbert: "That's that, and this is that."

Gilbert: "This is Obsidian. Even if you don't like it, you have to accept my gift..."

Gilbert: "Even with this, you must not resist."

A cold hand lifts my leg and then bites me on the calf.

It felt different than trying to instill fear in my body... and force me to obey.

(I'm not scared... just embarrassed.)

His tongue crawls over the bite marks, and my legs tremble.

I was about to say stop — but I gasped.

(… What's with that face?)

His red eye, which rarely reflects emotion, seems to have a somewhat melancholy look.

The sad face that makes my heart clench, whether Lord Gilbert is aware of it or not...

(Does it only look that way because I'm looking down?)

(No... but...)

When I stopped resisting in confusion, Lord Gilbert raised his head, and our eyes met.

Gilbert: "Oh, your face... You're in so much pain and suffering."

(What do I look like?)

Gilbert: "Wouldn't it be easier if we just hated each other?"

Emma: "… I agree. I wish I could manipulate my emotions to my liking."

Gilbert: "If you could do that, though, you wouldn't be human."

Laughing softly, Lord Gilbert bites me again.

Sooner or later, my legs were going to be covered in bite marks.

(He's doing terrible things to me... but I can't refuse him.)

(I wonder… if I've been trampled.)

Gilbert: "…… I'm sorry."

(Eh...)

The faint sound of a voice makes me gasp.

But Lord Gilbert only smiles refreshingly, and his red eye flickers.

The heart of the trampling beast was never revealed.

[razorblade180]

Ignited chapter 3: Hidden Obstacles

Ch2 <-

As the promising youth of today took their exam, the heroes of days gone by were filled in on what transpired during their secret war. Yang told Jaune, Tai, and especially Jacquelyn, how Adam had saved her from an explosion that could’ve cost her life and put the man in an indefinite coma. After the story, Jacquelyn was finally able to explain to all, the festering hatred that hounded Jael like a tempest in her soul.

Most were privy to bits of the situation already, but for Jaune and Tai, who remained home to take care of the children, it was quite the story. Jaune had noticed the reserved and cold nature that Jael gave during her greeting like everyone else did. He wouldn’t have guessed the reasoning though, or how deep seeded the negativity would be.

“Poor girl.” He said, folding his arms. “That’s a lot for anyone to handle.”

Jackie nodded in agreement. “I’m happy to see you can empathize, but I also have to apologize. I’ve tried my best to get her to understand while her anger is justified, it shouldn’t be directed at any of you. Yujin especially. It’s just…” Jacquelyn sighed in defeat.

“It’s hard to tell your own child to look or feel one way when it’s impossible to hide your own frustrations. Believe me, I get it.”

Yang didn’t even want to think about the countless conversations Jaune must’ve had with Yujin about why her own mother wasn’t around. “I’m sorry.” She said softly. “To all of you; for…so many things.”

“Please, don’t burden yourself like this.” Jacquelyn looked at the group. “That goes for all of you. Nobody expected you to be perfect and despite my own grief, it was ultimately my husband’s choice to join you in ending this dangerous threat. Jael understands this too. I know she does. It just doesn’t change the fact Jael has sadly lived a life with things she could call hers and that are precious to her. The years Adam spent looking over your family in her eyes is time lost with him. Then this tragedy happened. To her, Yujin, or rather, the Xiao Longs have taken arguably the most precious thing of all from her.”

“Doesn’t help Adam trained Yujin.” Raven added. “It would be impossible for Yujin to not be the center of that girl’s resentment. I’m not saying Adam thought of my granddaughter as his own child by any means, but he definitely took his role as a mentor and figure quite seriously. Maybe he felt like he owed Yang for past grievances, or he is truly fond of Yujin? Either way…”

“It would be hard to stomach as his legitimate child.” Ruby finished. She couldn’t help but wonder if Canary held any similar sentiments in regards to how Uncle Qrow treated the two of them. “So what now? I can’t imagine Jael is swearing a lifetime of vengeance. I mean she’s taking the huntsman exam as we speak and seems like a pretty earnest kid.”

Jackie smiled gently. “Thank you, and she is quite earnest. Today, for better or for worse, she’s being comforted with the person she hates the most. She hopes to completely outshine Yujin and prove her superiority. At least, that’s how I see it. It’s why she hasn’t told Yujin about Adam. She wants to definitively prove that all the time she had with her father was well spent and more valuable than anything he gave yours. My fear is that she’ll get far too worked up, or worse.”

“Oh!” Yang perked up. “That reminds me, I saw her spit out blood. Adam had mentioned she was ill. Something about her heart?”

Jacquelyn’s eyes widened. To think he would share that with Yang of all people. Not to mention the look of concern on her face. Will wonders never cease?”

“Yes, my daughter was premature and has an exceptionally weak heart. In all honesty, she completely destroyed the odds of her life expectancy by more than a decade. Thankfully it’s completely possible for her to live a long life with her medicine and own diligence in her health. Her semblance, which is gravity, has also done wonders in lightening the stress on her heart.”

Ren was more than a little intrigued to hear that. “She uses her own semblance to help her heart? That takes incredible control.”

“She’s not always doing it but yes, she does. Life finds a way as they say. Her control probably surpasses mine. Still, the body has its limits. Reckless excursion and letting her emotions get the better of her too much will put strain on her heart. Sadly, I’m not surprised her first conversation with Yujin made her a bit… agitated. It’s why I asked Yujin to let Jael focus on the exam and try not to interact too much.”

Winter furrowed her brow, crossing her arms in skepticism. “You’re letting your daughter attempt to become a huntress despite the health risk!?”

“You see me as irresponsible? Truthfully, I can’t blame you, but believe me when I say my daughter is vastly more capable than I can put into words. If it weren’t for these specific circumstances, I’d imagine today and countless following days would be nothing she hasn’t handled in the past. We don’t exactly live in a comfortable environment. Also…”

Jacquelyn looked off at a single little bird standing on a branch. She watched as it took the leap, barely catching itself and taking flight into the sky.

“Any self respecting mother wishes a long and happy life for their children. That being said, I constantly see my youngest child doing everything she can to always feel her emotions within reason; as if she were a bird in a cage. As much as I would adore the idea of Jael living a simple, ordinary life for all her days, I know happiness is the last thing she’d feel. She may look like her father, but passion and desire to dream… those are my gifts to her. If I have a regret, it’s that I couldn’t give her a body naturally strong enough to chase down those dreams and ambitions without a second thought.”

A breeze blew through the group. It was hard not to feel some sort of pity towards the maiden and she deeply cared about her family. It was also difficult to not fear for Yujin. Once again, a Taurus and a Xiao Long were on opposing sides. The more things change, the more they stay the same. The sound of the tower’s bell rang. Nora turned her head to see several of the potential students already heading back.

“Time really flies. Looks like the first part is over.” She looked at Jacquelyn. “Sooooo…”

“Please treat my child normally, and I’d like it if all of you could continue honoring her request about Adam. If something happens, I’ll take full responsibility. Glynda already knows this, and you all of course have the right to intervene if you really think it’s necessary.”

They all nodded, but silently wished this day could stay pleasant. Yujin and Tenzen were already on their way back; Jael wasn’t too far behind them so Jacquelyn started putting a little distance from the group.

“We’re back!!!” Yujin grinned at her mother.

“Ha! Someone looks confident.”

“Of course! There were a few questions about grimm I was hazy on, but I know my stuff! If the grading scale is normal then I definitely passed this section.”

Tenzen wasn’t worried in the slightest either. In fact, he was even more relaxed than before. “I have a perfect score.”

“Oh yeah?” Nora smirked, hands on her hips. “That’s a bold statement before it’s graded.”

“Trust. I may not have been the star student at combat school but this surprise exam was easier than the finals.”

Yujin chuckled to herself. “I remember that day. You were sweating buckets and looked ready to vomit when I saw you.”

“I forgot my textbook! I couldn’t study properly!”

Several feet away, Jael let out a pensive sigh and tapped her left foot. “That could’ve gone better.”

“Oh no. Was our material not up to standard? I had Blake triple track.”

“No, it was.” She signed again. “I had just never taken a timed test before. Actually, I’ve never really taken a standardized test at all.” Being homeschooled really showed its consequences today.

“Did you manage to finish?”

“I managed that much. I also realized maybe my knowledge of dust isn’t what I’d call…up to par. As far as the rest goes, I feel pretty good about my answers.”

“Glad to hear it. I wouldn’t fret over the test too much. Many people here also don’t have the benefit of attending a combat school before entering an academy. However Beacon is grading this, I’m positive they take individuals like you into account.”

“Gee, I didn’t say I bombed or anything crazy. It was just…unfamiliar.” Jael pouted but quickly shook it off. “Regardless, I’ll make up the difference in the next part.”

“That’s the spirit!”

It wasn’t much longer than Glynda and Canary came walking out of the building at their own leisurely, but efficient pace.

“So was this a test of my grading skills?”

“Young lady, I wouldn’t have entertained an interview with you if I doubted your ability to do average math. Many of these children will be in your class before long. It serves you well to know what you might be getting into. That and if you’re anything like your father, learning to retain names now will make for less awkward moments later.”

Canary couldn’t help but smile softly. “Yeah. That sounds like something he’d struggle with.” They made it back to the group and surprisingly, the examinees all quickly lined up again. “Ha! Wow. Nice to see all of you are dedicated but loosen up a little. It’s not like you’re students…yet.”

Canary pulled out her scroll and raised it for all to see. “Now I could project all the scores big enough for you all to see. However, I’m not in the business of public humiliation or unnecessary stress. I’ll leave that to Professor Oobleck.”

The alumni of Beacon all sighed in unison. “Dr. Oobleck.” They said in a tired and strangely rehearsed manner.

Canary was only joking but now she shared the same look of worry the young adults did. “O…Kay then. Any who, once I hit the send button, all of you will be sent your personal scores thanks to all of you following the test direction by writing down your ID number. I will say this now. Even if your score is low, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. Just that you have a steep hill to climb in terms of convincing us to let you in. Although for some of you…well, you’ll know who you are.”

She presses send and all scrolls start pinging. Voices of triumph were scattered alongside sighs of relief and agitated grunts. Yujin immediately sent her proud 89% to her family and heard their excitement. Tenzen scooted shoulder to shoulder with her, tilting his scroll her way to flash his 100%.

“…Fuck off. It’s my birthday. ” She nudged the snickering boy.

“What can I say? I’m a good test taker.”

Jael had to fumble with her new scroll a bit before finally opening the attachment to see a humble 72%. Honestly she wasn’t proud of it, but her attitude changed as a few of her peers actively began moving from their spot, heading towards an airship or back to their parents as they left.

“They could feel you immediately?” She said softly to herself.

“Yeah.” Said a boy with gray shaggy hair right next to her. “My cousin told me if you miss critical questions or get caught cheating, then you’ll fail immediately. Not that I can confirm this rumor but it makes sense. Huntsmen need knowledge and integrity after all.”

“Makes sense. Although by that logic it sounds like you could fail honorably and stay. At least that’s what it feels like.”

“Hehe, I like that theory.” The boy decided to show her his own score.

Jael wasn’t expecting to see a solid 50% in red. Yet there was a comment below that gave approval to stick around. “And here I was pitying myself. Guess my theory might have merit.”

“Looks like I’m steep climbing.” He laughed nervously.

His lack of confidence was more outstanding than his ability to get half of the possible points. This guy looked pretty sincere though and about a head shorter than her. Grayish blue eyes and deep blue jean shorts that contrasted his white shirt and open black button up. Even his cyan high top sneakers were pretty normal. Jael would’ve thought he was ready for the mall if it wasn’t for the black mechanical spear on his back.

Jael tilted her head as she examined the engravings on the pole and wide arrowhead shaped tip. “I didn’t catch your name.”

“Marcus.” He smiled. “Marcus Graystone. Nice to meet you. And yours?”

“Jael. A pleasure.”

“Likewise.”

As the failures left, Canary took the time to summon a giant Ursa, choosing to sit atop its head. Her eyes scanned for a certain person then checked the time. “Hmm, looks like I’m not the only person who shows up tardy; eh Glynda?” She smiled.

“The difference is you’re not a child. Also I have a pretty good idea on what’s holding them up.”

“Looks like they’re waiting on something.” Tenzen whispered to Yujin. “Any clues on what?”

“It probably has to do with the next phase of the entrance exam, right? Maybe another teacher is coming.”

“Ooo, I hope it’s Professor Peach.”

“Y’know I hear that name occasionally, and yet for some reason it sounds made up.”

Glynda took the initiative to call the examiner. It only took two rings before an answer.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” A youthful and gentle voice cried out. “The devil's always in the details! Not to mention I took it upon myself to do some grimm dispatches. I know I probably shouldn’t since this is a huntsman academy exam but a particular few-”

“Ms. Aspen. Are you ready?”

Glynda said calmly.

“…Yeah. We’re all set, I'll say.”

“So I’ll have the students move to the next location and meet you there?”

“Mmm, no need for all that trouble. Plus it’s important to have ample time for good decisions. All you gotta do is video call me and point me towards the crowd! I’ll handle the rest.”

“Very well then.” Glynda hit video call and extended her scroll out. “May I have everyone’s attention!”

There wasn’t a single person who wasn’t squinting as they tried to see what was on the scroll.

“Ah, the courtyard. A nearly full one at that. Looks like there’s a bunch of good apples this year.” The young woman said, knowing few would hear her. “Let’s see who’s right for the picking!”

A golden portal opened up a few inches in front of the scroll and everyone’s eyes widened. Although some, like Yujin, had their eyes immediately grow to the size of dinner plates before the portal could fully open for a young woman to come walking out. It was as if radiant sunlight draped the new visitor. Long orangey-yellow fabric hung off her arms and the back of her dress while the front stood at her knees. The embroidered cuffs and the top of her strapless dress was an intricate white pattern that matched her shin high cowgirl boots. The most peculiar thing was the thin golden veil that rested on silky black hair. Her presence was sudden and captivating like a woodland sprite from a fairytale. However, one person was in immense awe from knowing exactly who that was.

“LILITH!?” Yujin all but shrieked in a burst of bumbling excitement before everyone looked her way, including the young lady who now lifted her veil to gaze with left sky blue eye and right amber eye. Yujin’s cheeks turned a crazy shade of red while her hands instinctively covered her mouth after her outburst.

Lilith waved. “Ah, looks like I have a fan in the ranks.” She smiled warmer than her dress. She could tell right now that the young girl absolutely wanted to disappear so Lilith chose to not dwell on the moment and addressed everyone. “Hello my future classmates. As several of you may know, I’m Lilith Aspen. A junior this year at Beacon and currently your examiner.”

Jael gave a long and puzzling look. She could’ve sworn she’s seen this person before. “Aren’t you the girl from the cereal box?” She blurts out casually.

To no surprise, several people look at her like she’s crazy for a second. Lilith on the other hand found Jael’s question pretty humorous. “Haha! If that’s how I’m recognized then perhaps I should listen to Professor Port and put more flair into my combat next time I go to regionals.”

“Please don’t.” Glynda said dryly.

“To answer your question properly, yes. I’m the lady on the Pumpkin Pete’s cereal box. Today though, I am the lady telling you all that the next phase of the exam is…an obstacle course!” She gives a very quiet round of applause. “Now I won’t spoil all the obstacles but the premise is simple. You’ll start at one end of Forever Fall and have to make it to the opposite side. You will be timed and there’s cameras everywhere to monitor both progress and safety. Any questions?”

“Is it a race!?” A girl yelled.

“Uh, essentially. All of you do have to start at once. Anything else?”

Tenzen raised his hand. “Are we going through your portal or taking a ship?”

“Hehe, excellent question.” She giggled. “That is all up to you. I imagine most of you, if not all, have brought all your equipment already. Due to the nature of this particular exam however, it also makes sense to be prepared. Forever Fall is still grimm territory at the end of the day. We have prepared an airship to bring you into town for exactly half an hour near all the approved equipment shops if anyone is feeling underprepared. After that you will get back on the ship and it will take you to the test site. Those who feel well equipped…” she stepped aside and gestured to her portal.

An interesting proposal for sure. The groups muttered amongst themselves, thinking of the best solution. The first to move and gain attention again was Jael. The contestants watched in awe as the girl floated over everyone towards the portal.

“She can fly!?” Yujin was beyond amazed. “That’s an awesome semblance!”

“Yujin, your grandma can turn into a bird and your aunt can turn into scattering petals.”

“Hush Tenzen! Multiple things can be cool! Anyways, let’s get going!”

They both followed Jael’s lead. This entire day was prepared ages ago. Tenzen jumped in feet first while Yujin sheepishly waved after Lilith gave another disarming smile. Yujin darted in quickly before she would do something embarrassing again. Many others began to follow their example while others headed towards the ship. Once all the participants got through the portal, Glynda went through.

“Ms. Schnee?”

“You can go ahead and go through.” She pointed at her family and friends. Raven had already made her own portal. Maybe she figured walking over was pointless with Yujin on the other side. “I’ll ride with them.”

“Kay. Heh, what are the odds of two portal users in the same space? I wonder how hers work?”

“I’ll try giving you an opportunity to ask later.” Canary gave a thumbs up and ran off to the heroes. “Hey! Don’t leave me out!”

Raven turned her head. “Wha- you were closer to the other one!”

“Don’t be like that auntie. It’s been ages since I’ve done this. I like the sensation.” Canary walked through the scarier looking portal. “Woooo~”

Canary’s carefree attitude earned a couple of snickers as others went through. “Looks like she’s in a bit of a better mood than earlier.” Winter said.

Ruby had to agree. “Yeah. I’m relieved. I thought I’d ruin her entire day.”

“Please don’t think like that, or let everything she said get to you. I can’t claim to know my daughter's exact feelings towards you currently, but I do know she still loves you a lot. In truth, that’s probably why she’s taken things so personally.”

“I know…” Ruby sighed. Hindsight really is 20/20 at the worst of times. “I’m sure the talk after the exams will be long, but worth it.” Ruby walked through the portal.

Everyone came out on the other side at the edge of Forever Fall’s forest. Medical staff was prepped and ready on the sidelines while a giant red archway signified the starting point. Glynda was already checking the monitor, double checking all the cameras.

Lilith clapped her hands and cried out, “Everyone ready!?” Earning many confused looks from adults and students.

“Umm aren’t we waiting for the people who went into town?” A shy girl asked in the crowd.

“Oh, about that, nope. It was a tactical lie.” Lilith said casually. “Everyone was given notice ahead of time on what they needed to bring. Failure to be prepared upon arrival is willful negligence.”

“Wait…” Marcus spoke up. “Does that mean getting on the airship meant failing!?”

“I’d think less about the choices you didn’t make and more about the road ahead; literally and metaphorically. The obstacles are vast and your path isn’t strict. My tip to all of you is to make use of the open area. Friendly reminder, you are timed. Starting now!”

A loud buzzer signaled the beginning of chaos as the future students began running through the arch and into the forest. Yujin and Tenzen broke free from the pack immediately by going out to the right and then continuing straight.

Tenzen looked at his friend with curiosity. “You following me?”

“Pfft, get real! Going straight is quicker in terms of distance. However…”

“It probably has the most obstacles. I’m practically a ninja though so I’m not worried. What’s your plan exactly?”

“Play it by ear? It’s not like there’s a marked path best suited for me. Plus I’m sure they aren’t only scoring us on time. Lilith’s words were like Canary’s during the first part. They’re intentionally trying to make us think in certain ways in order to mask others.”

Tenzen was amazed how much thought Yujin was putting into this. She was really trying to give it her all today. “Teamwork.”

“Huh?”

“If I had to take a wild guess, they’ll score teamwork. Everything Lilith said stoked competition but if we’re applying for a huntsman school then teamwork is important.”

That made sense to Yujin. If people failed by choosing to go into town then it wouldn’t be surprising if you could fail by willingly ignoring someone in need or intentionally getting in their way. Okay; her mind was made up.

“Tenzen, let’s have each other’s backs! We’ll also stick our nose out for others in trouble.”

“I mean I was going to do that regardless, but sure!” He grinned.

Jael stuck the trees and was in far less of a rush. A single lunge propelled her several feet to one branch after another as she made her way left and outward. Where less people gathered. She had thought of similar things in regards to Lilith's intentions and decided on pacing herself slower than normal. The obstacles could be anything and while she could easily avoid a lot of things, having others encounter them first could give valuable insight.

Back at the start, Canary and the others caught up with Lilith as she watched the monitors. “I never would’ve guessed a girl like you would use a tactical lie as a way to set up a bigger lie. I feel bad for those kids on the ship.”

“Don’t be. I haven’t failed them by any means.” She smiled in satisfaction. “That was the tactical lie, haha!”

“Excuse me!?” Nora questioned. “So what’s your angle!?”

“I could never fail someone who chooses to prepare with time given to them. Just like I acknowledge the readiness of everyone who decided they’re fully prepared.”

“So you did it to gauge personality?”

“A little. By the time the second group arrives this first one will be done. Luckily the split was fairly even. It’s easier to guarantee safety.”

“So this is the mind of the regional's winner? Not bad at all.” Jaune praised.

“Thank you, but it’s more of the mind of an overthinker if you ask me, hehe. Can’t say it makes for an easier grading scale unfortunately. Such is the price of nuance.”

It was an interesting approach to the exam. Those who did poorly in this group may come off as being too cocky or rowdy. On the other hand, failing after having time to prepare is going to look abysmal for those in group two.

Yang greeted Lilith with her scroll and a new journal she planned on giving Yujin. “Hey, my daughter is never going to ask herself but can she please have your autograph and maybe a photo?”

Glynda clicked her tongue. “Is this really the time to be asking for that?”

“It’s a cute surprise. Plus your eyes are glued to the screen. It’s obvious you have the say in finalizing scores. As if you’d give the control to anyone else.” Yang’s words earned a side eye from her old teacher, but she was right!

Lilith happily signed the inside of the book and held up a peace sign for a quick photo. It was hard not to notice how much the famous Yang Xiao Long looked like the girl who called her name. “By any chance, was your daughter-”

“Yes.”

“Hehe, outstanding.”

xxxxxx

“Achoo!!! Eugh!” Yujin sniffled.

“Uh oh. Getting sick on your birthday? That’s no good.”

“Relax. It was probably the leaves or something. I’m firing on all cylinders! Bring on the first obstacle!”

As if the gods heard her, hidden launchers fired hunting nets and bolas! The girl let out an “eep!” Before jumping over bolas aimed at her legs. Her shirt was quickly yanked by Tenzen, allowing her to avoid a net. She quickly returned the favor when she shoved him away from another net fired to her left. It flew right between them and tangled another pair of bolas.

“Phew! That was- ah!” Yujin yelped as Tenzen talked her to the ground and out from under a falling wooden cage.

Tenzen could not believe they set up an entire cage! Not that it would’ve been impossible to escape but come on! “Why do I have a feeling Professor Port was in charge of this section?” He chuckled.”

“Tenzen?”

“Hmm?” He looked down to see the girl staring right at him, her cheeks a little flushed.

“You can…get off of me now if you want.” She awkwardly asked, clearing her throat with a fake and weak cough.

“…Sorry.” He sprang up, extending his hand to help her up. “I guess I could’ve just broken the cage when I think about it.”

“It’s good!” She dusted herself off. “It’s all good. So uh..should we be…?”

“Yeah! Uuh, yeah…”

They both took off running again. Although this time they weren’t as talkative and extra mindful of their surroundings. Hopefully the cameras didn’t catch that particular moment.

Meanwhile in Jael’s neck of the woods, the girl finally touched solid ground and jogged down a path riddled with soft dirt. Left right left right left right left; every step felt good enough. She assumed pits had to be dug around the place.

“Am I getting lucky?” She asked herself. Right left right left right left ri-

Click

“Hmm!?” Jael froze immediately, keeping her right foot exactly where it was after hearing the mechanical click. She hissed softly. “Shit! Pressure plate; but for what?” There was a lot of foliage. It could easily be a trigger for projectiles or a trapdoor. She doubted it was anything explosive. She could raise her foot and found out. That was always an option.

xxxxx

Jacquelyn watched as her daughter stood motionless on the feed. “What’s on the floor?”

“Launching springs.” Glynda said as she monitored multiple kids. “They aren’t as powerful as the ones we use for the first day of school, but they’ll send anyone flying backwards at least 15 feet. More if they’re unprepared for the recoil.”

“That’s rough.”

Raven shrugged. “I see landing strategies are still highly encouraged for the start. Let’s see Jael’s. She can’t stand there forever.”

“They all waited to see how the girl would take this first obstacle. Only her mother expected the girl’s next move. Every witness Jael simply walk off. Anticlimactic for sure but still surprising! Jael stared at the spot she moved from briefly before continuing her jog. A few seconds passed before the springboard triggered forcefully.

“It was delayed.” Winter said, examining the live feed. “And she isn’t changing her path either.”

“Haha, why would she?” Jackie smiled, raising a single brow. “I told you all already. My daughter has amazing control of her semblance.”

xxxxx

Jael freely walked through this section of the course without fear. Hidden pressure plates weren’t so scary when you’re too light to trigger them. And even if she did, a little extra pressure to keep it still until she got off of one was just as easy.

Jael smirked at her own cleverness. She felt sorry for whoever made this obstacle. Clearly they weren’t thinking about her when they made it.

“Today might be easier than I thought.”

[lonelier-version-of-you]

So, I did struggle somewhat with focusing my attention on tonight's eps, in part because of the Faith-centricness - I try to pretend any scene with her or about her isn't happening, for my own sake - and in part because I just haven't been feeling great today. That may also lead to this recap of my thoughts being a short one.

But all around, I did think they were both quite good! The Max and Jodie scenes were as much of a highlight as I expected, in particular.

Episode 1, "The Ostrich Effect":

The Max scenes in this ep, especially with Dylan, were utterly fantastic. I really, really love Max. And I also really, really love Dylan. So maybe it's stating the obvious to say that I loved these scenes, but they were just so great!

Max is not coping with all this very well, is he? He seems to have gone into the 'deny and repress everything' mode typical of my favourite characters - I think I'm going to have to keep saying every week how much Max reminds me of Henrik - and... well, yeah, it's understandable, though not necessarily good for him.

And it was wonderful to see Dylan show his caring side so much. Especially with Max, who he's not really been getting on with well previously. Nigel Harman and William Beck played those scenes brilliantly.

It was nice to see Jacob so much, even though he didn't have a big storyline of his own this week.

I hate Faith and, as I say, tried to ignore her storyline. But I will say: I felt so sorry for both Stevie and Natalia. Especially Natalia. She deserves a better mum than Faith. :(

Also, I don't know what the title of this one meant. Oh well.

Episode 2, "One Hundred Years":

I loved the aesthetics of this one. I like episodes set during storms, maybe because they remind me of Holby's "The Perfect Storm" which is one of my favourite episodes. They can also provide interesting challenges for the characters, as they did here.

Getting to see Max's mum was very interesting! I was surprised she told Jodie that Max is ill, I thought it would take longer for Jodie to find out.

It also added further to the mystery of Max's past that I'm hoping will start to unravel soon - and I suppose it already has. He seems to get along pretty well with his mum, which I wouldn't have expected, because I thought they'd have had him be estranged from his parents or something. But we still know basically nothing about his dad, so that's a storyline avenue left to explore.

I don't normally like Iain, but if he gets Faith to leave, I'll be cheering him on. As the saying goes, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, and I've hated Faith for years, so yeah.

Teddy asking Paige to marry him... wow. I mean, it was certainly a surprise. I can't see the wedding going ahead - I'm expecting more drama between the two of them and Sah to get in the way. I'm also feeling less and less like this will lead to a polyamory story like I'd previously hoped, so yeah. :(

Dylan and Jodie working together was fantastic. I wish there had been more of that.

I felt quite sad that there wasn't more focus on Donna's storyline tonight. I would've liked less Faith focus and more Donna focus. Jaye Jacobs was excellent in the Donna scenes we did get, though!

So, yeah, I don't have a lot to say apart from repeatedly rambling about how much I like Max, lol.

[biffhofosho]

Prisoner to Temptation | Chapter Two

Word Count: 7.8k

A/N: Rough, rough, rough week last week, so I didn’t get this out as planned. Needless to say, I was more than happy to teleport to another universe with Prince Chae Hyungwon tonight. *sob*

Cvr | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 12

Most of the royals who had attended the ill-fated ball had stayed at the khan’s palace for a week after, which meant a tedious amount of handshaking and bowing and simpering, which had drained Naran of most of her spirit. Prince Hyungwon had been by her side through much of it, and he seemed to wear far better than she—not that she’d asked—but even his shoulders had slumped by the end of the week.

Though obligation now bound them, the couple did not converse with each other as they had to with others. It wasn’t for the prince’s lack of trying, but Naran had no heart for anything but the bare minimum of politeness no matter how relentlessly handsome he was, especially after spending hours sitting between the Empress of Goryeo and her own mother as they talked wedding plans over her head. To be fair, the ladies tried to include the princess, but she just waved them off with as pleasant a “as Your Highnesses wish since you know best” as she could manage.

Her dowry had to be negotiated, too, which felt much more like haggling with the town grocer over the price of a sack of potatoes. For that, Naran chose to leave the palace entirely and breathe the fresh air in the palace gardens. Under the open sky and before the might of the mountains, she forgot everything that was and tried to imagine what could once have been. Maybe she could steal a horse from the stable tonight and go for a ride before she had to return to her palace in Urga to collect her things. Just the thought of packing up her life brought a fresh wave of nausea.

She took a deep breath. Morning was giving way to the day, and the damp fog had burned away before the yellow sun. The world smelled of greenery and faintly of the horses across the grounds.

“I thought I might find you here.”

Naran swiveled and found her betrothed approaching. Her exhale came out in a choked cough.

“What are you doing here, my lord?”

“Queen Jigme sent me to find you.”

Naran narrowed her eyes, but it was for her mother this time. “Of course she did. Have I finally been weighed and measured?”

“I have no idea. I stay as far away from those discussions as I can.”

“You're as shrewd as your father then, I think.”

“And you're as tenacious as that weed,” observed Hyungwon is he nodded toward a small bundle of feathery-headed flowers clustered beneath one of the hedgerows.

Naran shot him a withering look. “The prince is off to a terrific start with his future wife by comparing her to a nuisance.”

“Hey,” he said. Hyungwon reached for her but stopped just before he touched her. His ears were pink, and his expression was strained. “My apologies, my lady. That's not what I meant at all. I meant you are the kind who thrives in places no one expects you to. You can withstand anything. Besides, it is a pretty flower.”

“It’s covered in thorns,” Naran quipped. “I thought you were supposed to be good at talking to women.”

The prince sighed. “Actually, my kingdom, my rank, and my looks do most of the talking for me. Often, I say very little, so in the interest of being a little less awkward, I’ll just say you're very beautiful today, my lady.”

“Yes, well, I think my mother is afraid you'll rescind your proposal, so she has subjected me to an hour’s worth of preparation every morning since.”

“That’s not it,” Hyungwon insisted with a gentle shake of his head before his fingers gripped a lock of loose black hair along her jaw. “It's the way the wind frames your face. The wildness suits you.”

In that moment, Naran swore the wind stopped just to spite her. She took a step back and cleared her throat. “You do not need to flatter me, my prince. It’s not necessary because I can’t go anywhere. Our fate is already bound.”

“As you wish,” he said, but out of the corner of her eye, she caught him studying her.

Naran had told Hyungwon her vanity didn’t need to be fed, but with the side of her skin still burning at the mere proximity of his touch, she could admit to herself that his words had swelled a certain pride in her chest. Then she remembered he had compared her to a weed and it tempered. Instead, she plucked the nuisance plant herself only to get jabbed by its prickly stem as its last protest. Reluctantly, she had to concede that maybe his metaphor wasn't as far off base as she'd like to believe.

“Are you all right?” he asked as he craned his head to inspect her finger, but Naran clutched the injured digit to her chest. He was far too close as it was.

“It's nothing, your grace. We have these back home, too. I’ve pricked my fingers on them hundreds of times. I guess I never learned my lesson.”

“Too busy trying to make a point?” the prince suggested with a raise of an eyebrow.

Through gritted teeth, she replied, “I suppose.”

“Shall I see you back inside then?”

Naran shook her head. “I’m not ready to go back in there. The air is so much easier to breathe out here.”

“Then I shall wait out here with you.”

“That’s not necessary, Prince Hyungwon—”

“Of course not, but you’re right. The air is sweeter here.”

The princess resigned herself to the company. She would have to get used to it soon enough anyway, but she was hoping for a bit more time to herself before all of it was stolen from her. Even though the prince made no further attempts at conversation, he also showed no signs of leaving, and while the silence wasn’t awkward, Naran felt obligated to say something.

“I take it it’s rather crowded in Goryeo.”

Hyungwon shrugged a shoulder as he surveyed the countless steeples and spires that pierced the skyline beyond the palace walls. “The cities are, especially Namgyeong, but we have a home in the country, too. It’s smaller and much more secluded. It’s my favorite. Sometimes it feels like the only place I can think.”

At this, Naran’s interest reluctantly piqued. “Are there mountains?”

“Many, and a river that, in the summer, sometimes turns the exact color of the sunset so you cannot tell where earth and sky exist apart from each other.”

“Really?”

The prince nodded, a slight smile on his face. “It’s as though it’s been painted that way. Other times, there are rivers of clouds swirling between the mountains instead of the water below.”

Swaths of emerald and pearl unfurled in her mind as Naran drifted with the vision Hyungwon had conjured. Beside her, his gaze trained on her misty-eyed profile.

“There are hot springs nearby, too,” he added.

“Hot springs? I’ve only ever heard of those. They sound…”

“Healing?” he suggested.

“Magical.”

Hyungwon outright grinned now, and it transformed his face into that of a boy’s. “I'll take you to them, Princess. One day soon.”

That was Naran’s ice-cold reminder of their contract, and as gentle as the prince’s words sounded, they were mere obligations that came with fulfilling their terms.

“As you desire, my lord.”

His smile vanished with her intrigue, and idly, they strolled around the palace gardens, the prince always a step or two behind her, which only managed to provoke the princess. Men always wanted to set the pace as well as the route. With his long legs, Hyungwon should have been eating up the pathways. What was he doing back there?

Eager to end what was becoming an increasingly uncomfortable walk, Naran rounded a corner back to the palace proper, and just as the doors came into view, the prince spoke: “Do you know any Goryeon?”

“I’m afraid not, my lord.”

Hyungwon hummed. “Shall I get you a tutor then? Perhaps it will make you a little more comfortable. And you will need to speak the language of our people, of course.”

“Of course,” Naran said though she resented it to her core. They weren’t her people. Her people lived unmoored in the grasslands as far as the sky stretched or in sturdy tents around the palace walls. They certainly did not live in Goryeo.

“And on our ride there,” he continued, “I could help prepare you for our Court customs to make things a little less overwhelming once we arrive.”

“How thoughtful, your highness.”

At last, Hyungwon pulled up alongside her with a side-eye at the ready. “You know, Princess, I’m not going to rescind my proposal, I swear to it.”

It was all Naran could do to keep her composure now that the doors were nearly in reach. “I’m sure not.”

He sighed. “If that’s not it, then did I do something wrong?”

“Sire?”

This time, Hyungwon outright grunted. “Can we please go back to the way we were speaking a bit ago? You're talking to me like you're putting on a show for your mother. It's just us out here.”

That was the problem. There were no other distractions. Playing formal was easier than admitting that she felt the tug of superficial attraction to the man who had shackled her by force to him for the rest of her life. It was terribly unfair that he could be so handsome and yet also so casual about upending her whole world.

“I thought you might like the change of pace,” Naran said, and Hyungwon vehemently shook his head.

“I hate it. We swore we would be our true selves with each other, did we not? With you is the only place I can receive such equality. Please don't take it away.”

The princess swallowed hard. “Very well, my lord, but remember that I tried to spare you once. If you want openness from me, you shall have it—all of it. I hate that I have to move to the other end of the Earth to accommodate you and your family, I hate that I have to speak a language I have no desire to learn, and I hate that I’m not allowed to hate any of that.”

Stunned, Hyungwon stared until she sighed and stomped at last to the doors. The moment her hand fell to the handle, he asked, “Feel better?”

“Hardly, but I did enjoy the awkward look on your face for a change,” Naran replied. “Doesn’t any of that bother you?”

“Yes, all of it.”

“Are you sure you’re not going to rescind your proposal now?”

“Do you want me to?”

Naran exhaled long and low. “No. I don’t trust much of anything out of a royal’s mouth, but I do believe without our alliance, your father will have my homeland, and I cannot bear the thought of my grasslands being trampled for pointless war. No, I will marry you as planned, but don’t presume for a second that I will ever accept it as anything other than a business contract.”

“As we agreed then,” he said with another nod.

“And since we have not had time to expound upon terms, I should like to add one other.”

“Okay?”

Naran tugged at the collar of her deel as she drew herself up as tall as she could be. “I shall bring my own servant with me to Goryeo.”

“We have more than enough skilled servants at our palace, my lady, I promise you.”

“I don’t doubt it, my prince,” she echoed, “but Magda has been with me since I was born. In many ways, she raised me, and I trust her with my life. It’s the only way I will be comfortable in a palace that has been plotting to invade my country for who knows how long.”

Hyungwon hummed. “I suppose that’s fair. You may bring her.”

“Well, I wasn’t asking, but thank you all the same.”

“Is there anything else I can do to make you more comfortable?”

Naran cocked her head to the side as though she hadn’t heard him right. “Why do you care so much?”

“Should I care less?” he retorted.

“I mean it. You have all the power here, my lord.”

Hyungwon shoved his hands into his pockets. His head dropped low, and for the first time, he didn’t look at her as he spoke. “Power isn’t something I desire.”

“What do you desire then?”

Naran hadn’t meant to let her voice plummet, too, but she wished harder than she ever had that she could bring those words back into her mouth because the way his head raised so hesitantly, with his dark eyes peeking up at her under a darker brow, made her throat go bone dry.

“I desire peace,” he said simply. “I am not a great leader, Princess, nor am I a great man, but I will always try to be fair to you. I wish I could give you more, but I do swear to try my best to give you a good life, even if it isn’t the one you desire.”

Naran stared at him, numb from the inside out. She wasn’t even sure she could move her limbs if she tried. She was cold and hot at all once and somehow so sad she could burst into tears.

Maybe Hyungwon saw it, for he tilted his head and said softly, “Princess Narangerel?”

Her name was like icy water dumped over her head, and she shook to life with the urge to run far and fast from it.

“Yes?” was all she could muster.

“Do you hate me?”

With a deep breath and a trembling heart, Naran opened the door and let it slam behind her.

I should, she thought. I really should.

The rest of the week passed in a purgatory of tense politeness. Queen Jigme surveilled the empress through a veil of hospitality while Naran’s grandfather schmoozed the emperor with the finesse of a man thirty years younger. If the princess didn't hate the whole spectacle, she would have been impressed.

Meanwhile, Prince Hyungwon easily curried favor with his future in-laws with every flash of his round-cheeked smiles. No one was immune to the prince’s charms. Her grandfather's servants doted on him as though it were his palace instead of the khan’s. Once, Naran had run face-first into her betrothed in the hallway, and when she turned the corner to gripe to herself about how absent-minded he was, one of the passing maids remarked, “Perhaps Her Ladyship might mind where she is going.”

How was it possible that in a mere fortnight’s time, the prince had won over the entire khanate? The world had descended into madness around Naran without her ever realizing. To cope, every morning, she took to the country, riding as fast and as far as her horse could carry her, and only when the fish ceased their morning leaping in the river did she return to the palace to hide out in her room for as long as her mother would allow (which was never long enough).

The rest of every day was spent being scrubbed and painted and groomed and finally paraded around the grounds in the orbit of the queen and the empress. Unless coerced, Naran rarely had anything to contribute to the conversations about caravans and wedding plans and court customs. Instead, she imagined herself high above them, soaring away like her eagle in search of something that could catch her interest, and the only thing to send her crashing back down was the inevitable run-in with her fiancé.

Prince Hyungwon, like the princess, was always in the presence of the emperor and the khan, only he looked far more natural than she did. He always had a smile at the ready for the ladies and a bow that could only be described as gentlemanly. Once, Naran had made the mistake of looking at his fine face, and she remembered their last conversation in the courtyard.

Do you hate me?

For some reason, it drew heat up her chest and made her shift in her skirt. For that, she supposed, she should hate him.

Other than that, though, the princess had done a respectable job of avoiding the prince, his husky voice, and his piercing questions, and it gave her hope that maybe she might actually be able to artfully dodge him for much of their married life. Perhaps she would still be able to sneak away for rides or hunker down in her chambers in peace. Of course, the long, quiet ride back to Moghulikhan would be her last chance to be single and free.

Except it was never to be.

Queen Jigme had insisted Naran ride back to the capital with her in-laws. It was truly draining, and from the looks in her mother-in-law’s face, the princess knew she’d likely been labeled as “taciturn” or “surly,” though she couldn’t fault the empress for either description. Naran was. There were only so many times she could discuss the climate or the rugged state of the roads or the thinness of the air before the princess could manage only grunts in reply.

At least dinners were a welcome respite. As the servants set up the gers for the evening, Naran could escape to her mother’s side and relax. Every night, when she curled alongside the queen in their tent, the princess was so exhausted by pretense that she would pass out immediately. But the very next morning, everything would be packed up, and she was once again stuffed into her gilded cage.

It was easy to lose track of time when every day passed exactly the same way. Naran had no idea how long they’d been traveling nor how far until the moment she caught sight of the first homespun ger. She pressed so hard against the glass that the carriage rocked and the empress let out a little cry.

“What is it?” asked Hyungwon, leaning a bit too closely over the princess’s shoulder though Naran was too excited to care.

“I’m home!”

The empress squinted out the window as another ger and then another and another tightened ranks. With a scowl, she asked, “Your whole country lives in tents? Is the palace just a bunch of tents strung together?”

“Mother!” Hyungwon scolded. His ears turned red in an instant as he glanced apologetically at Naran.

“It’s better than those mud huts in Sygnak…” mumbled the emperor.

“Father,” the prince snapped now, but Gongmin waved him off.

“No, Your Highness,” Naran interrupted through gritted teeth, “our palace is not a ger. While it is quite permanent—and grand in its own right, despite what you may be used to—many of our people live in gers because the ground here is as hard as the weather. This way we can move with the seasons and thrive anywhere. Very few cultures can say the same, I think. They must take to conquering their neighbors to thrive as we have, wouldn’t you say, my liege?”

The emperor narrowed his eyes while tightening his lips before he returned his gaze out the window.

It wasn't long after that that they entered Urga’s city limits through one of the two main gates, and with no more walls impeding their views, the palace appeared as a crown on the skyline. Since most everyone outside the palace wall lived in a ger, it was easy for the center of their kingdom to dominate the eye. With the rolling emerald mountains as a backdrop, the sharp-tipped wings of the palace proper flared upward while the central tower thrust its patinaed, three-story crown even higher. It was surely nothing compared to the wealth and majesty of Goryeo, but its green tiled roof shone in the late afternoon sun and loomed over the spiderweb of white-skinned tents.

The closer they drew to the city center, the more crowded the streets were. Eyes bugged beneath sheepskin hats as citizens took in the gold leaf and vibrant paints of the Goryeon carriages. People were quick to bow as the caravan trundled down the hard-packed streets, and Naran’s heart lifted at words once again in her mother-tongue. She felt like crying—at first from the end of her homesickness and then immediately again from the fact that she might never see or hear this ever again.

At last, they pulled in through the gates to the palace and stopped at the foot of a wide flight of stairs leading up to a mammoth terrace on which the palace proper sat. Torches had been lit along the length of the footing and stacked up toward the grand entrance to dispel the shadows under the carved overhangs.

When she set foot once again on Moghul soil, Naran felt at last like she could stand at her true height. There was already a long procession of palace staff waiting to receive the royal family and their guests, chief among them her father.

The khan was stocky, ruddy-cheeked and well-weathered, with sunken eyes framed by small glasses and lifted by his wide smile. Though he relied upon his cane to stand, he moved surprisingly fast to grip his daughter warmly by her shoulders.

“Narangerel, my dearest, welcome home! I have missed you nearly more than I could bear.”

“Father,” she said with a bow he quickly interrupted with a hand under her chin.

In a whisper, he continued in Moghul, “I have heard the news, my child. I am so very proud of you. You could not have made a more suitable match if you tried.”

“Fa—”

But before Naran could say another word, the khan drew alongside her and faced the growing party of strangers lined up with faces of exemplary apathy. It was almost as though someone had forgotten to teach the foreign family how to emote.

“Esteemed guests,” boomed her father in the customary English of travelers, “welcome to the Kingdom of Moghulikhan. We could not be happier to have you here, and on such an auspicious occasion! I am Delger Khan, who is proud to call you family now.”

The might of his voice contradicted his withered limbs, and Naran felt comfort for the first time in weeks. The khan bowed as deeply as his body would allow, an introduction that was followed by the emperor as well as the rest of his family. Just as they were finishing up their greetings, Queen Jigme’s carriage pulled up, and she hurried out faster than Naran had ever seen her mother move.

Not a moment later, a spritely, effervescent child with glossy cinnamon hair and freckles to match Naran’s own, stepped forward. She was dressed in a lavish deel of gold and crimson Naran had never seen before, fresh and bright to match her complexion, which was festooned with a painted smile. “Pleased to meet your graces. I am Princess Sarangerel of the Kingdom of Moghulikhan.”

A second round of bows were traded, with Prince Hyungwon rising with a sweet smile of his own. “I can see the resemblance between the princesses. How pretty you are, young lady.”

Saran’s blush was instantaneous and fierce, lighting up her neck with little red firecrackers. With an awkward mumble, she said, “Thank you, Your Grace.”

“Please, come inside,” said Delger Khan. “You must be exhausted after such a long journey. What Moghulikhan may lack in splendor, we make up for in comforts. I think you’ll find our beds warm and our food sumptuous. We shall feast tonight as Urga has not seen in a generation!”

The emperor and empress exchanged perfunctory smiles with their hosts and followed them into the palace while Naran and Hyungwon trailed behind, with Saran wheedling her way between the two betrotheds.

“I can’t believe I’m going to have a brother at last!” proclaimed the little princess softly as she looked up with moon eyes at the prince.

“And I have never had a sister,” he returned with cheeks as puffy as clouds. “Maybe now I can have an ally at last.”

“What do you mean? Narangerel is the greatest ally a person could have. She’s fiercer than all the golden eagles in the land.”

“Is that so?” Hyungwon said, amused. He glanced at his fiancée, who was doing her very best to keep her eyes on the parents ahead of them even as she burned under the weight of the otherwise lighthearted conversation beside her. “I’m afraid I haven’t had that privilege yet. To tell you the truth, dear sister, I have a feeling she doesn’t like me very much.”

Saran gasped. “How could you say that? She’s marrying you! I know my sister. She would never marry for anything but the deepest love.”

Naran jammed her eyes shut to tamp down the rage bubbling inside her, so she misjudged her step and tripped over her slipper along the flagstone. Just in time, the prince grabbed her forearm with both hands to steady her, but the commotion caused the entire parade to stop and stare at the crown princess now supported by the prince and the little princess.

“Are you all right?” whispered Hyungwon.

“Fine, my lord,” Naran insisted and shook her arm free of him. “Thank you.”

“Sister?” asked the small, sweet voice beside her.

Naran soothed her sister’s braid and thumbed at the girl’s freckled cheek. “You know me. Just clumsy.”

Saran raised an eyebrow. “You’re never clumsy. You’re the most careful person I know.”

The crown princess huffed lightly and nodded ahead. “We’re falling behind, you know. Mother will be cross.”

The trio picked up speed, with Naran leading the charge, and they rejoined the party in time for a stop in the back of the Great Hall to view the mammoth white and gold stupa, the cultural centerpiece around which the whole palace revolved. Even the emperor seemed impressed with its magnificence, and, satisfied, the royal families convened in the palace dining room.

The room itself was large, with the 20-person table swimming in the center of the red and green walls. Long tapestries counteracted the stone floors while dozens of candles warmed the shadows. Windows high up in an inset in the ceiling let the sunset shine like a chandelier down upon them, but since it was fading fast, servants rushed in from every corner with more candelabras to conquer the oncoming evening.

The khan left the head of the table empty to sit across from the emperor and his wife did the same with the empress, and while Naran was glad she didn’t have to sit next to the prince, she was seated across from him, the expectation of conversation clear. Luckily, Saran was to her right, and she reached under the table to squeeze her sister’s hand.

“Seriously, are you okay?” Saran whispered.

She patted the back of Saran’s hand and replied, “I just missed you so much. Did you miss me?”

“If I had known you would actually come back engaged, I would have stowed away in your trunk! I can’t believe you.”

“Oh hush, it wasn’t at all like you’re thinking. The whole trip was extremely tedious, and the actual proposal happened so fast, I don’t even really remember accepting. You didn’t miss much.”

“Liar,” hissed Saran. “If you’re trying to make me feel better, it’s not working. I know you, Naran. You’re harder to move than Mother. You never do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I went to the silly party, didn’t I? I didn’t want to do that either, but sometimes life doesn’t give you a choice.”

Saran put her glass down and stared hard at her big sister. “Are you telling me you’re being forced to marry the prince?”

There was so much concern—no, outright fear—in the little princess’s face that Naran immediately backpedaled. The last thing in the world she wanted was her innocent sister fearing her own fate when Saran was a huge part of why the crown princess took the deal with Hyungwon in the first place.

“Don’t trouble yourself, my little fox,” Naran said with a genuine smile. She tugged Saran’s braid again and returned her attention to her wine. “Our future is safe and secure, and that makes me happy.”

At this, the girl beamed. “And you’re in love and will make the prettiest babies! You have to let me hold them all.”

Instead of screaming, Naran downed her goblet of wine.

“He’s so handsome,” continued her sister as she stared with her cheek in her hand across the table.

Naran scoffed. “Oh, you just like him because he complimented you.”

“He complimented you, too!” the girl reminded.

“Exactly. Shouldn’t that tell you something about him?”

Saran sneered at her sister, and Naran returned it as though she didn’t have a decade of maturity on the girl.

The next thing she knew, there was an elbow in her side as Queen Jigme hissed, “Quit prattling on with your sister. You’re neglecting your husband.”

With none of her own wine left to drown out her next scream, Naran swiped her sister’s and drained it.

“Hey! That’s mine!”

“Sorry, I got our glasses confused,” lied the crown princess.

Thankfully, the first course was served before conversation with the prince became unavoidable, and with most everyone travel-weary, the party was only too eager to eat in happy silence. With so many choice distractions available, Naran kept her focus low, but she was lying if she said her ears didn’t perk every time the prince offered a kindness to her family or a witty remark. No matter how much nudging her mother did, she could not steer her daughter into lively conversation. The only thing Naran wanted to do was lie in her room and stare out the window at the stars she knew she’d never see the same way again.

Instead, after dinner, the group continued their palace tour, and with good food in their bellies, the emperor and empress seemed more engaged than the princess had ever seen them. They complimented every room and much of the art, which the queen was only too happy to offer up as wedding presents as well. Surprisingly, the khan set a lively pace through each wing, and Naran wondered where the man found the reserves considering he’d been mostly confined to the palace for the last two years. He looked every bit the lord who controlled one of the largest empires in the realms despite the cane and wrinkles like drapes.

When at last they’d finished touring the palace, the Goryeons were shown to their rooms, which, happily, were far enough away from Naran’s own that she felt like she was free again. Even when Saran came bounding into her sister’s room unannounced, it seemed, for a moment, that nothing at all had changed.

“So,” asked the teenage princess, who was draped across the furs on her sister’s bed, “have you two kissed yet?”

“Sarangerel!”

“You can tell me! Who will I tell?”

“I know your mouth, little fox. Any news I had for you would reach the other side of Urga within the hour.”

Saran rolled her eyes. “If you’re engaged, you must have though, right?”

The crown princess tossed a pillow on top of her sister and sighed. “It’s really not like that.”

“I don’t believe it. Prince Hyungwon is far too handsome not to kiss.”

“You marry him then!” said Naran with a laugh, and her sister flopped onto her back with a groan, clutching the pillow to her chest.

“If only I were a few years older... But, sister, I’m very serious about this. What if he’s not a good kisser? What if the rest of your life is just filled with bad, wet kisses that leave you all slobbery?”

“I’m going to throw you out, you know,” Naran warned.

“I worry about that kind of thing though,” her sister admitted. At first, Naran thought she’d misheard her because Saran’s face was buried in the pillow, but as soon as she put it together, she joined her sister on the bed and rubbed her arm as the girl continued, “If I don’t know what I’m doing, how could I expect my husband? What if we’re both terrible at everything so we stay terrible at it because we don’t know better? Will we be doomed forever to a miserable, boring, slobbery life?”

Always a romantic, Saran’s fantasies were evidently catching up to the more adult parts of love and relationships, and it gutted her big sister to know she would be abandoning her to society without a guide. It made Naran more determined than ever to give every bit of what was left of her heart to her sister.

She propped herself up on her arm and stared down fondly at Saran. “Nobody said your husband has to be your first kiss…”

Saran bolted up on the bed, criss-crossing her legs and leaning forward so hard she almost tumbled into her sister. “Are you saying Prince Hyungwon won’t be yours?”

Naran simply shook her head lightly, and when Saran’s eyes continued to widen, she raised a finger and jabbed it at her little sister’s puffy cheek. “I mean it, this better never leave the room. Swear it.”

“I swear it,” said the girl. “But don’t you think Prince Hyungwon will be mad about that?”

“It’s really none of his business, but I dare say I wouldn’t be his first kiss either. Not with a face like his…”

“I knew it! You are in love with him.”

“Psh! I may have some appreciation for his natural… endowments… But that doesn’t mean I’m in love with him. I’m realistic, Saran. And either way, it’s not something I have to worry about particularly with him.”

Saran raised her eyebrows again. “Why’s that?”

The crown princess worried she might betray something, and that was the absolute last memory she wanted to make with her sister with such little time left for them to be their simplest selves, so Naran sneered and lobbed another pillow at the girl. “Because I’m too busy chaining you up in the dungeon to keep you from blabbing all my secrets to the whole palace!”

And just like that, the natural order of things was righted. After a good tussle and more than enough laughter, Saran sat back, and through gulps for air, she asked, “Can I sleep in here with you tonight? I mean, since we’re not really going to have a chance to do that anymore…”

Naran grinned from ear to ear. “I would love that.”

Once tucked in, Saran quickly fell into her soft little snores, but as tired as the crown princess was, sleep eluded her. Naran thought about how few days she had left in her homeland and more importantly, how few she had left of her freedom. She thought of her sister alone in this palace without a bed she could dive into and confess all her fears for her future. She thought of her eagle soaring over the steppe searching for its companion and finding only ghosts. She thought of how happy everyone was to watch her leave all of that behind her.

Eventually, there was no point in the pretense of staying in bed any longer. Her limbs were as restless as her mind, so Naran took to prowling the halls. The few servants who were still awake checked relentlessly on her at first, but after she rebuffed them enough times, they let her wander in peace.

Midnight turned into morning though the sun was still hours from rising. Instead, as she leaned against the terrace railing overlooking the sleepy tent city, the only thing that rose was the princess’s anger. She had no power over anyone in the palace anymore, so with no other options, she planned to take it out on the one person who was as trapped as she was.

It was in the heaviest part of the night when Naran broke into the prince’s chambers without heed for decorum. Though the servants had done their jobs, stoking the fire in his hearth throughout the night, a chill still bit her skin upon entry. Hyungwon was adrift in a sea of quilts and furs, everything but the moon-white of his face swallowed up in coziness. His thick lips were parted for his shallow breaths, and his long black hair fringed across his eyes.

His nose was no doubt ice-cold, and Naran had the strangest flash of it pressed against the back of her neck as he curled into her from behind, a surreal reminder of the inescapable future that loomed mere days ahead of her.

With a little indignation and maybe more anxiety than she cared to admit, the princess tossed a pillow onto Hyungwon’s bed and said, “Wake up, my lord.”

The prince barely stirred but for a drowsy, dismissive wave.

“I said wake up,” Naran demanded louder, this time shucking the fur coverlet off the bed.

Hyungwon growled, his lips pulling into a snarl as he tugged the rest of the blankets up to his neck.

“If you don’t get up this instant, I’ll let my eagle into your chamber.”

He sat up at that, rubbing his eye with the back of his hand. His hair fuzzed upward from the electricity lingering in the blankets from the cold, dry night air. It would have been cute like a boy’s were it not for the way his robe split open across his toned chest. They might have been betrothed, but, at this, Naran felt like she was prying, so she turned toward the fire.

“What’s so urgent?” Hyungwon mumbled. “Am I sleep-blind or is it still dark outside?”

“It is dark, my lord.”

“Then why on earth am I awake at this ungodly hour?”

“Because I wish you to be,” Naran said.

The prince let out a frustrated sigh that morphed almost instantly into a yawn. “Couldn’t you just wait to be mad at me until after breakfast?”

“No. Now, get up. We’re going to look at the stars.”

“I don’t know what you’ve heard,” Hyungwon grumbled as he collapsed petulantly onto the bed with his back now to her, “but we have stars in Goryeo, too, Princess.”

“Not like this you don’t, and you’re going to see them before we can’t again.”

Groaning all the way, the prince rolled out of bed, wrapped himself in a blanket, and shuffled down the hall with his fiancée at his side. They garnered a few looks from the servants again, and Naran was certain the gossip would make its way to her mother by daybreak, but for now, she didn’t care.

She led Hyungwon to the same patio she’d been to earlier. They lingered under the overhang for a moment as the princess gathered her many thoughts. She had spent hours trying to cobble together exactly what she wanted to say to the man exactly the way in which she wanted to say it, but now that he was beside her, she’d forgotten damn near everything but the raw emotions.

“You’re right,” he said after a minute of peering at the horizon, “the stars are beautiful.”

His words jarred Naran awake. She gestured to the wide-open terrace beyond them, and again with a sigh, Hyungwon followed her onto it. The princess looked up while, beside her, she heard a gentle gasp.

“Oh.”

Beyond the palace walls, there wasn’t a candle to be seen, only the vast canvas of heaven and flickering starlight. It was a moonless night, and a pennant of peach and vanilla arced above the kingdom from one end of the mountains ringing the city to the other. There were as many stars dappling it as there were grains of sand in the Gobi, each one twinkling impishly at the unexpected couple.

“Mm. Okay, yes,” the prince continued, “this is better. I’ve never seen such an enormous sky.”

“Sometimes, it feels like you’re the only one looking at it,” Naran confessed, “like it’s all yours and no one else could ever possibly understand its beauty.”

Hyungwon opened his mouth but stopped himself before any words came out. Instead, they stared upward for a long while as the occasional flare of light streaked beyond the mountains.

“It is rather romantic,” he conceded.

At this, Naran scowled. “If you try to make this something it isn’t, I swear, I shall call for my eagle.”

Hyungwon laughed, dispelling any ambiance she thought he might be building. “Why do you keep threatening me with a bird?”

Naran stifled her own reluctant laugh as she answered, “I take it you’ve never seen a golden eagle in action?”

“I haven’t. Are they scary?”

This time, the princess had no hope of keeping in her laughter. “There’s not much they can’t kill. They have claws like razors and beaks like scythes, and they always have the advantage, flying down like a falling star and with just as much force.”

Hyungwon’s eyes bugged. “And you have one as a pet?”

“Not as a pet,” she corrected. “As an ally. My grandfather’s people use them to hunt in the mountains. My father never cared to learn, nor did he have the time, but I loved my grandfather’s stories of his own eagle, and I begged him to teach me. Girls aren’t supposed to hunt with them, but he taught me anyway. I raised her and rode with her every day for six years. This trip was my first time away from her. My mother said now is as good a time as any to break the bond between us seeing as she is due to be released back to the wild anyway. We do not tame these creatures so much as befriend them for a while.”

Just as I am to be tamed, Naran added bitterly to herself.

“I’m sorry. That must be very hard,” said Hyungwon.

“At least I always anticipated that part. She will be happier with no restrictions and no master. She will be where she belongs.”

Their eyes met and a beat passed before he added, “But she will miss you just as you miss her.”

Don’t cry, Naran, she warned. Not in front of him.

“Will you be the one to set her free?” asked the prince.

“It’s only right. Then we can part with clear hearts.”

“Would you—” Hyungwon stopped himself and rephrased, “Could I meet her before you do?”

The princess closed her eyes. Waves of unfamiliar emotion crashed over her in ways she couldn’t have fathomed, and they threatened to suck her down if she didn’t pull away quickly.

“I can have one of the servants take you to the falconry room if you’d like to see them, but I think it’s best if we keep certain boundaries up between us.”

It was clear from the fall at the corner of Prince Hyungwon’s full lips that he was disappointed with her answer, but he nodded like he understood. “As my lady wishes. You may name them.”

Naran wasn’t ready for him to be so agreeable, and it made it very hard to guard against him. “We’ll leave it at that for now, I think.”

Time passed in silence with just the thrum of the wind across the plains between them. If the prince was uncomfortable, he certainly didn’t show it. Only the princess shifted and twitched and gnawed on her lip. She had brought the man out here to gain some control, but instead, she felt… Well, she wasn’t sure what it was because she hadn’t really felt it before, but she didn’t know what to do or what to say, and her head was preoccupied solely with the fact that her future husband was standing right beside her under the same stars, ones he had just named as romantic. That, more than anything, didn’t sit well.

Eyes still on the sky, Hyungwon asked, “Have you lived in Urga your whole life?”

“Except for our winter travels, yes, as did my father, though my grandfather was born in Kipchak. My mother was born in Ladakh. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Though I hear it’s called something else now.”

Naran felt the prince’s gaze slide from the sky to her profile, and she felt the smallest blip of triumph.

“I have,” Hyungwon said carefully.

“I guess that is the way with empires, isn’t it?” she continued. “What you are one moment, you might not be the next. Maybe it wouldn’t matter if I married you or not. I might have become Goryeon either way.”

The prince faced her fully now. Only the torchlight at the base of the palace brought warmth to his features. “We’ve talked about this, Princess Narangerel. It is not my intent to change who you are.”

“I’m not trying to start a fight,” she insisted, but he squinted and she flashed another brief grin. “Well, maybe a little, but really, I’m just thinking out loud. Even this city has grown up from nothing. It wasn’t here two generations ago, but what was once tufts of grass now serves as the capital of one of the largest kingdoms in the realms. The world is always changing. I just never thought I’d be at the center of that change.”

“For me, that has always been inescapable.”

“So here we are. A woman who always expected to fade into obscurity and a man who has only ever lived in the spotlight. How did we end up here?”

“A twist of Fate?” the prince suggested.

“A test,” Naran added solemnly.

Hyungwon gripped the railing and squeezed.

“Failure isn’t an option anymore,” she continued. “I’ve disappointed everyone my whole life, but it was okay—it was even expected. The moment you emerge into the world a female, it’s a letdown. I learned how to use those low expectations to my advantage. I learned how to get out of things, how to slip under noses, and how to disappear in a crowded room.”

The prince turned then, his hip leaning on the railing as he faced her.

“I saw you,” he said.

The princess stared back.

“I wish you hadn’t. Your pretty promises aside, we share the spotlight now, and obscurity will never be an option for me ever again, nor will it be for our children.”

“Are you telling me this to make me feel guiltier?” Hyungwon asked.

“I’m telling you this so you understand.”

“Understand what?”

Naran steadied her expression until it was as cold as the night air and as resolute as the darkness.

“Why I can never forgive you.”

With that, the princess turned back into the palace, the bewildered prince trudging behind on her heels.

[silverwings22]

Caught in the Crosshairs: Chapter 50: I Can Still Feel You- Collin Raye

Series warnings: Smut, mind control, canon typical violence, childhood trauma, language, chronic illness

Chapter warnings: fight between family, teenage angst, PTSD, chronic pain/phantom pains, mentions of torture

Translations: Cyare: beloved darasuum: eternity/forever cyar'ika: sweetheart

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Cyare,

You've been at the Temple a long time. I can't keep track of the days I've spent going between the mid-levels and this damn hotel room. I keep hoping you'll be there when I come back, but you're not. 

You overdid it on Skako. Of course you did, there was someone in trouble. This Echo guy. 

This isn't about him, though. This is about you. On that mission, you called me the best man in the galaxy. I can't explain what that feels like, to hear from your pretty mouth. But I can show you, because I've always been better at action than words. 

I've been hunting for the perfect ring to put on your hand. I finally found this silversmith, she's pretty damn talented. She's finishing up the details today, and I'm going to pick it up. When you get out of the Temple, I'm going to finally ask you to marry me. 

Fuck, I'm nervous. I shouldn't be, you suggested it first. I know what you're going to say. I know you want this as much as I do. But still… I keep thinking about those holo movies you like. The big proposal, the one every sappy romantic dreams about going off without a hitch. You're the kind of girl that dreams about that kind of thing. 

How do I go about it? I don't have a last name to give you. I don't have much of shit except a Firepuncher and a smart mouth. You deserve the galaxy. I have a toothpick. 

Miria Halcyon, will you marry me? That feels too simple. 

Will you make me the happiest man in the galaxy? That sounds like you don't already. 

Will you be mine? Fuck, that sounds selfish and I promised you I'd do better. I'd be better. 

I'll try to think of what to say, now that the moment's almost here. But if I fumble it, I hope you'll understand. I want to do this right for you. 

Darasuum, 

Crosshair 

It was the kind of planet one almost expected a tumbleweed to roll across. Arid, covered in steep plateaus, and with a constantly brewing storm on the horizon, Miria felt a little prickle of discontent in her chest as she gathered up her things for the mission. 

Perhaps it was just the air aboard the Havoc Marauder. Things had been different since Echo left them, and it stung. The guys were shorter tempered with each other, and even Omega was starting to lash out in small ways. Miria wanted to comfort her, but what could she really say? She'd encouraged Echo to leave, and she wasn't sure Omega would forgive her that sin readily. So she held her tongue and busied herself with her bag, packing her saber and weapons before touching the sheaf of letters in her footlocker. 

It was silly to carry them all, wasn't it? She usually only took one, her favorite that she'd read to Aram and Irene on their trip to Thule. But loneliness and loss had a way of burrowing up her spine, and it took her a long time to talk herself out of wrapping them in duraplast to protect them. Instead, she tucked them back in her footlocker, next to Crosshair’s beside her bunk. If she just looked this direction and didn’t turn to where Echo’s hammock was missing, she could fool herself into believing they were both still on the ship somewhere. If she closed her eyes, maybe she’d hear Echo scolding someone for a broken regulation, and Crosshair’s sarcastic snicker that he was missing the point of Clone Force 99. 

She missed Crosshair, somehow even more now that Echo was gone. The loss of a second brother amplified the first. 

Her hands twitched, a sharp ache passing through them under the thick scarring. Argais had said it was the nerves reconnecting, a privilege and payment in one to feel again. It would eventually pass, the twinges getting fewer and further between as the Force did its work. For the time being, every change in atmospheric pressure or humidity was accompanied by a flash of agony as quick as the lightsaber that caused it. 

Idly, as she rubbed the offending hands against the fabric covering her thighs, she thought of Roland Durand touching his severed horn on Ord Mantell so many months ago. A small price to pay. 

"We're touching down." Omega said quietly from the bunkroom door. 

Miria nodded and stood, settling the rifle on her back. "Are you ready, little love?"

"I guess so." Omega let her pass and followed her out as the ramp opened, the three brothers ahead of them into the dry air. "What are we even doing?"

"Mining." Miria slowed her steps to let Omega catch up, sensing the heavy weight in the girl's Force signature. "I assume Cid purchased this mine with the plan to diversify her income, should the Empire come too close to Ord Mantell. And ipsuim is quite valuable when refined."

"And extremely volatile when raw." Tech interjected. "We must be cautious, or be caught in an explosion. It is much like a primed thermal detonator."

They made it to a mining tunnel door, and Miria examined the mechanism thoughtfully, while Hunter looked out at the storm in the distance and crouched to the ground briefly. “Is is moving towards us?”

“No. It’s moving away.” Hunter looked at Wrecker. "You and Omega keep lookout. We'll do the mining."

"We will need Wrecker in the mines." Tech adjusted his helmet. “Without Echo, we are a man down.”

"I can keep lookout." Omega offered.

"Not alone. Cid warned us about poachers in the area." Hunter shook his head. "And we need Miri's Force abilities in case of a cave-in."

Miria patted Omega's shoulder gently. "We'll be quick."

Omega sighed and nodded. "Okay…"

Miria followed Tech and Hunter into the tunnel. Once they were a good distance down and out of earshot of the door, the sergeant looked at her. "Has she said anything to you?"

"She doesn't need to, Hunter. I know what she's feeling." Miria shook her head. "She misses Echo. A part of her family is missing… a part of her heart. That is a wound that never truly heals." She would know, after all.

"Soldiers must adapt to change." Tech said stiffly. Hunter’s helmet jerked to him in what was probably a withering look. 

"She isn't a soldier, Tech. Try to show her some compassion." Miria sighed. "Are you picking anything up on the scanner?"

She loved Tech dearly, but sometimes she wanted to shake him by the shoulders. He missed Echo too, she knew he did. They'd been close since Skako. Tech was just very good at compartmentalizing and logically talking himself into shoving his emotional reaction into a box. Much like Crosshair, if she was honest. He'd hate the comparison. 

"I am not picking up a large deposit of ipsuim. It would seem Cid was deceived into purchasing an already depleted mine."

"We'll get what we can." Hunter grumbled, hoisting a canister. They had to transport the volatile mineral carefully, so Tech had designed it to be secure and mostly shock resistant. 

"There is a small reading coming from this direction." Tech led the way with his scanner beeping. "Up there."

Hunter looked up at the faintly glowing outcrop in the cavern wall, way above their heads. "Tech and I are too big to get up there and drill without falling. Miri?"

She reached for the drill, but winced the minute her fingers wrapped around the handle. They couldn't see her face, but the faint hiss of breath through her modulator caught Hunter’s attention. "What's wrong?"

Miria tucked the drill under her arm and rubbed her hands together. "I'm sorry. They… ache. In the climate." She muttered unhappily. "It's damp in here. Give me a moment, it'll pass. I can-"

"It is too risky to have you handle the ipsuim if your hands are compromised." Tech shook his head. "I did not know you were still experiencing side effects of your…" He paused, trying to think of a somewhat appropriate way to phrase this thought. 

"Torture?" Miria smiled faintly. "It's alright, Tech. I should be grateful to feel anything at all."

Hunter sighed. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"There were more important things to demand your attention. Like Omega."

Tech's index finger went into the air as he had an idea. "She would be ideal to reach the mineral deposit."

Hunter didn't like it, but he had little choice and hit his comm. "Omega, can you come down here? We need you."

Omega joined them only a few minutes later, a faintly sullen look in her eyes that Miria couldn’t help but wince at. The unfair situation and the onset of puberty were a combination more volatile than the ipsium… “Would you mind getting up there and drilling into the ipsium deposit?” Mira asked quietly. “Hunter or I can boost you up, but I’m afraid my hands just aren’t steady enough for the task.”

Omega nodded. “I can climb it. Just pass me the drill when I get up there.” 

Miria nodded and Hunter offered Omega a boost to get to the glowing mineral. Tech was scanning the area around it. “You must be extremely cautious when drilling into the fossilized quartz around the ipsium. The slightest friction could cause the mineral to become unstable.” He cautioned. 

“I know.” Omega grumbled, reaching down as she got into position. Miria passed the precision drill to Hunter, who handed it up to Omega. 

“Be careful.” The sergeant said softly. Miria hoped Omega recognized his words were out of concern for her safety and not him harping on her like she was incapable. Whatever she thought, Omega didn’t voice. Instead she just got carefully through the quartz like Tech had told her, and extracted a vial of the yellow ipsium into a rod. She disconnected it from the drill and handed it down to Hunter, who passed it to Miria with both hands. She carefully walked it to Tech, who put it in the canister with steady hands and passed her another empty vial. She dutifully handed it up the chain, watching Omega. 

The poor girl looked so silently angry as she worked. Nose scrunched in unspoken disgust, golden-brown eyes narrowed, lips pursed. 

That’s the same face Crosshair makes when he’s angry.

How curious, that her sunshine and sugar little Omega could remind her of the stubborn sniper. Then again,she knew no one in the galaxy as well as she’d once known Crosshair… and Omega was his little sister. The resemblance had to show itself eventually.

Once Omega had drained the deposit of its ipsium and Tech had packed it safely away, Miria held out her arms to give the girl a hand down. “Good work, sweetheart.” She said mildly. 

Usually, praise from her General made Omega beam. Today she just nodded silently. 

They headed back out of the mine, meeting up with Wrecker as he stood guard. “Good thing you finished up when you did. That storm looks like it’s changing direction.” The big clone nodded towards the roiling clouds and distant lightning.

Tech nodded. “The weather on this planet is highly irregular.”

Miria shook her head. “The last thing we need is to have that lightning hit the ipsium. Let’s-” She started to turn towards the Marauder when Hunter stiffened beside her. 

“The engine just came online.” He jumped ahead, running for where they’d parked the ship. 

Miria paled and raced after him, rounding the corner just as the Havoc Marauder took to the air just out of reach and rocketed into the distance. “No…” 

Hunter rounded on Wrecker. “You were supposed to be lookout! You let our ship get stolen!” 

“There wasn’t anybody there, I swear!” Wrecker yelped. 

“Clearly, there was.” Tech huffed, arms crossed. 

“You’re the one who parked the ship out of sight of the mine!” Wrecker was on the defensive, automatically worrying about catching hell for a mistake as if the GAR’s command still had the power to come down on him.

“There was no other suitable landing zone, Wrecker.”

“Enough.” Miria said sharply. “Bickering amongst ourselves doesn’t recover the Havoc Marauder.” 

“There’s got to be a way to get it back.” Omega swallowed hard, edging a little closer to Miria. 

The woman looked up as the wind started to pick up around them. “We need shelter from the storm first… then we can consider trying to find it.”

“There’s got to be a town or settlement nearby.” Hunter nodded. “Tech? Anything on the scanner?” 

Tech fiddled with his device for a moment. “I am picking up a spaceport. It is approximately forty klicks from the entrance of the mine.”

Hunter sighed. “Then we’d better start walking.” He nodded for tech to lead the way, following just behind. Wrecker trudged after him with the ipsium case, shoulders slumped as it became progressively more evident that they were all stuck in the situation because of him. 

When Hunter glanced back at the two girls, he was somewhat surprised to see Miria with her head down and one arm wrapped around herself as she walked next to Omega. His blonde little sister still looked frustrated and unhappy, but he didn’t know what was going on in his General’s head. That wasn’t happy body language, though. 

It felt like they’d been walking for hours when they got a respite from the sun and dry heat in the form of shade from the walls of the canyon they were passing through. “How much further?” Wrecker grumbled. 

“You will not like the answer.” Tech just said without looking back at him. 

“Havoc 4, this is Havoc 5. Do you copy?” Omega was working at her comm next to Miria, trying her damndest to call Echo. It wasn’t a terrible idea, if they’d had long-range comms available without the ship’s transmitter. 

Hunter sighed. “Omega… he’s too far away to pick up the signal.” 

Tech shrugged. “Even if he was not, he has disabled his communication device for the time being.”

Omega looked crushed. “Why would he disable his comm?”

“It is likely that whatever mission he is currently on is of a sensitive nature, and therefore he needed absolute radio silence.” 

Omega looked at Miria, who just shook her head. “I’m sorry, Omega. I don’t…” She paused, turning her head the direction they’d come. There was a powerful wave of emotion in the Force barrelling towards them. Primal fear and panic. “... Run. All of you, run!”

Hunter felt it too, a stampede of blue herbivorous creatures not unlike antelope barrelling right towards them. They were faster than the little group of humans, and the pushing and shoving creatures nearly knocked them under the thunderous hooves more than once. Miria had completely forgotten about the ipsium in her blind concern for her team, especially when Omega let out a squeak of pain as a hoof clipped her shoulder. Then she was airborn, Miria having scooped her up and taken a Force-jump up into a tangle of overhanging roots. Omega clung to her middle, eyes wide. “Hunter! The grappling hooks!” 

A split second later, a hook hit the root next to Miria’s arm. Hunter quickly hauled himself up the line, Tech right behind him. “You two okay?” Hunter looked over at Omega. 

“Where’s Wrecker?” Miria didn’t look away from the dust cloud and running animals, but breathing a sigh of relief when another hook landed next to her. She pulled herself up with Omega, sitting on the root now instead of dangling. “Oh thank goodness, you-” She started just as Wrecker reached them. 

Tech cut her off. “Where is the ipsium? You must protect the case!”

“What about protecting the me?!” Wrecker groaned. 

“We will all be killed if that explodes!” Tech insisted, and before Miria could stop him Wrecker groaned and threw himself back into the stampede and over the case. 

“Tech!” Miria hissed sharply. “Have you lost your mind?!” 

Tech just looked at her curiously as the herd below them passed, and he and Hunter descended the ropes. Miria jumped down and landed lightly, setting Omega on her feet. “Try not to drop it next time.” Tech was telling Wrecker. 

“Why don’t you carry it, if you’re such an expert?” Wrecker huffed. 

“Very well.” Tech shrugged and picked the canister up.

Miria walked over and checked over Wrecker quietly. “Are you hurt, dear?”

“Nah. I’m okay, Miri.” He patted her head gently. 

“The storm is getting closer.” Hunter looked up as the sun dimmed, clouds and dust whipped up by the heavy winds. 

“That would explain the stampede.” Tech said dryly. 

“We cannot be caught in a lightning storm with that ipsium.” Miria pulled Omega closer, trying to shield the girl’s face. “Is there anything on the scanners?”

Tech squinted in the darkness. “There should be a mining tunnel ahead somewhere."

"I see it!" Omega pointed. Hunter pulled her towards the door, and he and Wrecker got it open. Miria climbed up after them, helping Omega and reaching back for Tech when the genius tripped and the canister came off his back. All five of them watched in open horror as the wind caught it and dragged it into the roiling mass of dust and lightning.

It's going to explode. 

There was no saving it, but she could save Tech. The poor clone was lifted bodily off the ground and thrown into the tunnel with his siblings, Miria darting in behind them as the storm smashed the canister into the mountainside and the ipsium blew. The tunnel mouth caved in, trapping them inside. 

Miria was thrown flat on her face, everyone else groaning. "S-sound off…" She managed to grit out, sitting up on her elbows.

"We're all okay, Miri." Hunter assured her after a quick head count.

"Except that we are now trapped, and have lost the ipsium." Tech huffed, pulling off his helmet. 

"I guess that's my fault too?" Wrecker leaned over on a rock, reaching out to help Miria to her feet. 

"If you had been alert, our ship would not have been stolen and we would be on our way back to Ord Mantell with the mineral." Tech sniped back. 

"Knock it off, you two. The only way we're getting out of here is to dig." Hunter, ever pragmatic, got between them. 

Miria sighed and set her helmet on the ground, wiping her forehead with her sleeve. "Right. It'll take hours, even with the Force. Let's get started."

Hunter didn't like the downcast look in her eyes, but he wasn't sure what had her so upset. Usually she was pretty calm as long as they were all unharmed… 

She didn't say anything else, moving to start shifting rocks with him and the guys. Omega was working on something with her datapad, and they left her to it.

Hunter clocked the little crack in her breathing first and turned around. Omega was distraught looking. "The Marauder's transponder is offline…"

"It was likely disabled by the thief." Tech shrugged, looking around when everyone else stopped working.

"But how will we find it?!"

"First we need to get out of here. Then we'll worry about it." Hunter coaxed. He was hoping Tech would pick up his tone and drop it, but Tech was… well, Tech. Analytical, intelligent, and somewhat oblivious to emotionally fragile little girls who needed reassurance from her big brothers. 

"It is highly unlikely that the Marauder will be recovered, Omega."

"We can't just give up on it!" Omega squawked. "Miri, tell him!"

"We can acquire another ship. It is merely a mode of transportation." Tech adjusted his goggles. 

Omega's eyes watered up and she stomped her little foot in a near tantrum. "No! The Marauder is our home! It's bad enough we lost Echo, we can't lose our home too!"

Hunter held up his hands, trying to do damage control. "We didn't lose Echo. He's just… on another mission."

"He's not here! He's not with us, and we're supposed to be a squad!" Omega's voice echoed in the cavern.

Tech sighed. "This squad existed before Echo, and it will exist after. What is your issue?"

Omega hurled her datapad at him and picked up her gear bag. Miria reached out for her, eyes wide. "Sweetheart…"

"I want to be alone." Omega said quietly and slunk down the tunnel. 

Miria's hand fell back to her side and she sat down on a rock, head in her hands. Hunter gave Tech a dirty look. 

"What? I merely stated the truth."

"She knows the truth. That's why she's upset." The sergeant growled. 

Wrecker sat down by Miria. "... Miri? You okay?"

"... she's right, Wrecker." The woman whispered painfully. "It's our home… how is Crosshair supposed to ever come home if we haven't got one anymore?"

Hunter stiffened. "Miri…"

"Crosshair is even less likely to be recovered than the Marauder." Tech frowned. "Surely you're aware of that-"

"Just stop!" Miria looked up at him, tears in her eyes. The genius froze in his tracks. "I know what he said. I know what he did, Tech! I can't calculate the odds mathematically, but I know. Just let me have a little hope… please." She swallowed hard and forced her clenched fists open. "... I think I need to be alone as well."

She got up and beat a hasty retreat down the tunnel before she lost her temper with her friend. 

Hunter sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Fuck."

Omega had found herself a small alcove in the tunnel and laid down, turning off her lantern to sit with her thoughts in the dark. She was just starting to think of mediating, like Gungi and Miria had shown her, when she heard something land heavily nearby in the shadows. Before she could turn on the light, she heard a soft sob.

"Miri?" She blinked, fumbling the lantern on. 

Miria was huddled across the tunnel from her, head on her knees and crying quietly. The striped head popped up at her voice, red rimmed eyes wincing in the sudden light. "Oh… Omega. I'm s-sorry, dear. You wanted to be alone… I'll go farther down…"

"Why are you crying?" Omega crawled over to her, eyes wide. She'd seen Miria cry before, of course. Especially right after Kaller, when the poor woman had been little more than a Force-sensitive wet noodle haunting the ship between bouts of coughing up blood. But that had seemed a long time ago, and Miria had tried to be so strong lately…

Miria looked away. "... I shouted at Tech. I shouldn't have… he doesn't think the way I do. It wasn't fair to him…" She whispered. "To him, it's just a ship. He doesn't attach the same value to the irreplaceable things I do…"

"Irreplaceable things?" Omega slid up beside her.

"The memorial, Crosshair’s footlocker…" Miria wiped her eyes. "His dress uniform was still in it… he hated wearing the bloody thing, but he looked so handsome. I wish you could have seen it. He was wearing it the first time he ever kissed me… he'd probably have worn it on our wedding day too, you know. And… his letters. They were still on the ship. I thought about bringing them along today, but I told myself it was s-silly, and they'd get damaged…" She couldn't stop her eyes from overflowing again. "I know it's just sheets of flimsi and ink. But it was… the last pieces I had. The proof that those three years he was mine weren't all a dream. That he really did love me…"

Omega cuddled up close. "That's important, Miri. Tech's just… ugh. He acts like he doesn't even care!"

Miria put an arm around her, closing her eyes. "He cares, Omega. I know he does. He just… doesn't speak the same love language, I suppose…"

"Love language?" Omega peeped up. 

Miria nodded with a sad smile. "The way love reaches you best, and how you show it."

"I don't get it." Omega scrunched her nose, and Miria couldn't help but see Crosshair in her face again. And Mayrin, too.

"Well… for example, Hunter always makes sure you get a little extra Mantell mix. And he keeps every drawing you've ever made him in his footlocker." Miria finally calmed herself. "His language is gifts. And… Wrecker’s is touch. That's why he loves hugs. Echo’s is words of affirmation, when he cares about someone he always has something kind to say. And when you tell him what you think of him, it means a lot to him."

"Does Tech even have a love language? He doesn't like hugs, he makes whatever he needs before anyone can get him things, and he doesn't seem impressed when I talk…" Omega wilted. 

Miria put a hand on her head. "Have you ever noticed that he likes to spend time with you? Teaching you, or just letting you hang out while he's working? His is quality time. Tech just… he feels it. It's just a difference of expression… I usually try to understand those differences, but today was a little more than I could take, between how upset you are and my own feelings. I owe him an apology, once I'm equipped to give it…"

Omega sighed. "I guess…" She looked up at Miria again. "... did Crosshair have one?"

The woman nodded. "Crosshair and I spoke the same language… acts of service. He was terrible at saying what he felt… but he could show me. And maybe it was how the Temple raised me, but that was what I did too. It's why I always get up first to make caf, even though I don't drink it. To show my love. It's not just romantic love these languages are for."

Omega frowned quietly, leaning her head on Miria's shoulder. "You think that's why he saved us and AZI on Kamino?"

"I do." Miria smiled faintly. 

Omega nodded and sat up, looking across the tunnel. "Something is glowing…"

Miria followed her over, and they found a crack in the rock face. Omega retrieved the drill and started breaking it open, finally making a big enough hole to get through. Omega wiggled through first. "What do you see, Omega?" Miria called from outside. 

"There's a bunch of the mineral deposits in here!"

Miria stuck her head in the hole curiously. "Oh my… we could use some of this to blast out of the cave in… could you reach it to extract any?"

"I think so. Can you come hold me up?"

Miria nodded and clambered through, sitting on a ledge and letting Omega climb on her shoulders to start drilling. "This is oddly familiar." She smiled. 

"Yeah?"

"During the war, we were under bombardment over Ansion. We had a hull breach, and we couldn't land as long as the turrets below were firing. I was on the bridge and I heard Crosshair say "Wrecker, hold my legs. I feel the urge to shoot someone." Then when I looked over, Wrecker was dangling him upside down out of the hole in the hull to shoot the droids manning the turrets."

Omega smiled. "Scare you?"

"At first. But he did clear out the turrets for us to land to repair the ship." Miria held still as Omega started drilling. It was a fond memory despite the danger they'd been in. Crosshair had laughed at the look on her face when Wrecker pulled him back in. 

"Keep standing there with your mouth open, cyar'ika, and you'll end up with something in it." The sniper’s smirk was audible even under his helmet, putting his rifle back on his back.

"Cross, you could have fallen!"

"Nah. Wrecker wouldn't drop me." His arm looped around her waist as they came down for a bumpy landing, keeping her secure. "I'm fine."

"You're so reckless sometimes."

"And that's why you like me. Isn't it?" 

"I quite a bit more than like you, darling."

His voice dropped low, barely audible through the blaster fire and sounds of his brothers moving to start repairs as quickly as possible. "Then when we're back in hyperspace, you won't mind taking me up on the offer to fill that pretty little mouth."

She glanced up at movement above her and Omega, spotting Tech leaning in. "Are you two aware that you are surrounded by a significant vein of ipsium? The slightest miscalculation could end both of your lives."

"Then you'd better not distract us." Omega grumbled, still not quite forgiving him for earlier. Miria held tightly to the girl's ankles on her own shoulders and nodded minutely. 

Tech frowned, tapping at his datapad. "This vein appears to be significantly more pure than what we discovered in Cid's mine. It would be practical to extract as much as possible."

"Do you trust me to do it?" Omega paused to look at him. 

"I know you are perfectly capable of the task." Tech cocked his head to the side, as if he didn't understand why she thought he'd doubt her. Then again, he might not have. 

"Then get the vials from my sachel." Omega nodded, carefully filling the one currently in the drill. "We'll have enough to get out of here and still take some to Cid."

"Clever girl." Miria smiled. 

Tech nodded and collected the vials, passing them one by one to Omega as she worked and trying to secure the full ones in the bag without jostling them. 

"This is the last vial, Omega." He finally reported. 

The girl nodded, adjusting her weight on Miria to lean out for a slightly out of the way outcropping. Miria braced as best she could, shoulders straining. Her hands were aching again from holding Omega so tightly. "A little further, dear?"

"A little to the right. My right. Almost got it-" Omega mumbled. 

"Careful, your foot is on my paldron." Miria cautioned. The metal was under her cowl, a misstep would make her slip. 

Before she could correct herself, the fabric slipped on the metal. Omega lurched backwards, dragging Miria over the edge of the ledge she was sitting on. 

"Omega!" Tech scrambled onto the narrow ledge, trying to grab his sister's hand as she clung to the rock face with Miria now hanging from her foot. 

Omega tried to reach him, but her arms couldn't hold both her and Miria, and they went plummeting into the dark with twin screams. 

"Omega! Miria!"

Miria pulled Omega down to get chest and curled around her, both of them cannonballing into the frigid water of an aqueduct. A half second later, Tech plunged in beside them and all three were swept up in the current. 

I doubt this was the kind of quality time Tech would have in mind. Miria's mind was whirling as they were battered left and right, locking limbs to stay together. 

Beside her, Tech spotted bubbles being dragged under. "Hold your breath!"

They all sucked in a desperate gasp before the rapids dragged them down, through progressively narrow passageways that nearly brained them on the rocks at either side. Then they were airborne, spat out by a waterfall and falling again into a deep pool. Miria glanced down at the glowing mineral deposit below before Omega tugged her arm and they surfaced, wheezing. 

"Th-there's a shore…" Miria coughed. "Swim that way…."

She, Omega, and Tech dragged themselves to a pebbled beach and collapsed in the shallows on their backs. "... are either of you hurt…?" Miria finally sputtered. 

"No…" Omega groaned. 

"N-negative…" Tech looked about as unhappy as his sister. 

Miria rolled her head to look at Omega. "... for the record, near drowning is not my language. Despite how often it seems to happen to you and I."

Omega sat up, rubbing her head. Tech followed suit, his comm hissing until he cleared the water from the mic. "Fffffsst- ech? Tech, do you copy?" Hunter sounded about ready to rip the mine apart with his bare hands. 

Tech coughed another mouthful of water. "Affirmative. I am with Omega and Miri. We took… an underwater detour."

"Where are you?"

"That is a good question. Stand by."

Miria got to her feet and wrang her hair out, wandering towards the cave wall. Omega and Tech followed, spreading out to look for a route out of an otherwise damp tomb.

"There's light over here." Omega called.

Miria and Tech joined her, leaning down to examine the credit-sized hole she'd discovered. "Well spotted, Omega." Miria patted her back. 

"I will instruct Hunter and Wrecker to retrieve our gear and meet us down here." Tech offered, backing up to speak into his comm. 

Omega shot a grumpy look at his back. Miria patted her hair. "I know you're frustrated with him, dear. But try to find a common language." She whispered. 

"You could just order him to not be a jerk…"

"That's not how family works, sweetheart. And we are a family before we're anything else." 

Tech rejoined them and they sat at the water's edge to wait for the others. "Once they join us, we will have a way out of the mine." He said firmly.

"We still have no ship, no way off the planet, and we can't even call Echo for help…" Omega pulled her knees up. 

"We do not need help. We will think of a solution, as we always do." 

Omega scrunched up a little tighter, glancing at Miria. The general only gave her an encouraging nod. Omega needed to say what she was feeling if she and Tech were ever going to reach common ground. 

"... everything is changing. First Echo, now the ship." Omega finally whispered. "I hate it."

"Soldiers often deal with change. It is a fundamental part of life… I do not understand your aversion to it." Tech frowned. 

"She's not a soldier, Tech." Miria murmured. 

"And we're a family, aren't we?" Omega piped up, looking at him. 

"... of course we are." Tech blinked, looking a little flustered.

"Then why don't you act like it?!" The girl's demanding question filled the cavern. Miria sat with the weight of the words. She heard the desperation in them, one she'd felt so many times since Kaller. 

Can't you show me that you love me in a way I can understand? 

Tech seemed to reflect for a long moment before choosing his words carefully. "Echo… chose another path. As did Crosshair. I have to respect those decisions, even if they can be difficult to understand… I admit I may process thoughts differently than you do… but it does not mean I feel any less than you."

Omega frowned, thinking over his words for a while. "So you do miss Echo?"

"Yes. I miss them both." Tech glanced at Miria. "If I could have made the choices for them, they would both be here now… and if they chose to return, I would be happy to have them back. I am sorry that was… not apparent. I thought it was obvious."

Miria smiled sadly. "What did you tell me? We can't help with what you don't say."

He nodded. "You are correct. It was never my intention to upset either of you."

"I'm sorry that I snapped at you." Miria said kindly. "It was… a lot to process, as you said." 

Omega scooted over in between her and Tech, reaching out her arms. Both adults leaned in, Tech a little more hesitant than Miria, but eventually accepted a loose hug from Omega. He wasn't much of a cuddler, per se, but this wasn't so bad. They had almost died, after all. 

Miria giggled quietly. Oh, Tech had his moments where the resemblance to Crosshair was obvious to everyone but him. 

They sat in silence until the waterfall spat out a displeased Hunter and Wrecker. "Have a nice swim, boys?"

"Your helmets are full of water." Hunter huffed.

"So are my socks." Omega grinned. 

They clambered out of the water and passed the three original aqueduct explorers their gear. Tech carefully set an ipsium vial on a rock near the hole Omega had found. "Get clear."

Everyone crouched behind a rock and Wrecker made an unhappy noise. "How come Tech gets to blow it up?!"

"If the shot is not precise, it could cause another cave in." Tech huffed. 

Omega giggled a little and tucked herself between Hunter and Miria. 

Tech took the shot with care, and it paid off in a blown out cave wall and no exploded Bad Batchers. Once the aftershocks stopped, they stepped out into the sun. 

"The spaceport is just down the cliffside." Tech looked through his binocs.

"Hopefully there'll be some food." Wrecker grinned. 

"There's only one way to find out." Miria shrugged. 

They started towards the settlement, Hunter walking even to Miria near the back of the pack. "Those two make up?"

"They've come to an understanding, I think." She nodded. "I'm sorry about that outburst earlier."

"You had a lot on your mind."

"I shouldn't have taken it out on Tech… it's not his fault. It's no one's fault, really. There's just… things aboard the Marauder I can't replace."

Hunter nodded. "The letters."

"And the memories… Omega's right. It is our home." She shook her head quietly. "When I decided I'd leave the Jedi… it didn't feel like leaving home. It felt like coming back, because I was going to stay with you all. And when the Temple fell… I still had that ship, and the people in it."

He patted her arm. "I know. We'll figure something out."

She nodded. "We always do."

The spaceport was abandoned, and as Hunter examined the equipment left behind it seemed like it had been that way for a while. 

"So we came all this way for nothing?" Wrecker groaned.

"I can craft a long range transmitter with this." Tech gestured to the communications array that had been left behind. 

Miria nodded. "Let's get to work then. We'll see if anything here is worth scavenging while Tech does that… after I dump the water from my boots."

Omega sat beside her on the ground and they both wrang out their socks. "The swim wasn't so bad."

"It certainly woke me up." Miria smiled. "I'm glad to see your optimistic attitude has returned."

"Well, it was pretty cool to learn five new languages." Omega grinned. 

Miria chuckled. "Which do you think is your own?"

"I dunno. They all make pretty good sense to me… maybe it just matters depending on who I'm talking to." She took Miria's helmet and started squeezing water from the padding helpfully. An act of service for her favorite big sister. 

"I have gotten the communication array functional." Tech called.

"Let's hope Cid has the inclination to be helpful today." Miria shook her head. 

The trandoshan, it seemed, did not when they got her on the holo. "I've got a lot going on over here. You guys are going to have to figure it out on your own."

"Wait a minute, Cid. You sent us here." Hunter grumbled. 

"And you had a ship when I did."

"Cid! You have to help us." Omega protested, tiny hands on her hips. 

"We did assist you getting your parlor back from Roland Durand, and with Mellegi-" Tech started. 

Miria just narrowed her eyes, and crossed tightly over her chest. "Reconsider, dear." Her voice wasn't exactly threatening, but it sounded a lot more like a Mandalorian than a Jedi at the moment. Even with the Coruscanti accent.

"Alright, alright. I'll see what I can do. Gimme a few days."

Hunter practically growled. "We don't have the supplies for-"

Cid hung up. 

Wrecker groaned. "Now what do we do?"

"We figure it out, like we always do." Omega looked at Tech, and he couldn't help but smile a little.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary243

5/17-18/24

friday - saturday

one more day then one day off.

worked on 3 songs today! very happy with that and the pace i'm on rn for completion. everything is sounding a lot better and the snares + bass and guitar-y sounds + synths are all really cooperating now. i think finally the "sound" of the record is like, becoming coherent, getting put down, the atmosphere and location has finally appeared in a way it hadn't before. so that is super awesome and cool. very happy about that.

that is 13 out of 32. gosh!!!

too tired to write a lot, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately. keep my thoughts to myself a bit, see what comes out later.

but i do need to write. i need to get to work on finding shorter poem-ish things i've written, or fragments i like, and work them out into something to submit to my friend, beside that longer stranger thing i did, which i really do like but it could be too long or something.

one thing, is that reading the impossible at work, this book is so strange, very odd feeling for bataille, it is maybe the most indebted to de sade his writing has ever felt to me, though also written in such odd fragments, as if at the limit (lol) of illness and consciousness, which feels like the point, very important point to reach and evoke, the characters are all in funny relation and at blurry distances, love animates and desire too, but it's all in this void, this constant rattling in the chest, reaching and failing and expecting, and by expecting something surfaces or one de-surfaces, one plunges, the plunge here is accurate but only in small measure i think, or odd measure would be the better word, it is never full, complete, it is always in progress and progress is... to what, it's mounting and falling apart, consummation is instead redirected, wolves chase their tales in medieval forests in the 20th century, history haunts and is dissolved by the bile of the mad.

which is to say i am liking it a lot, curiously written thing though, the oscillation between the philosophical - thought-forming moments and the plot, or rather, each abandons itself to the other, the story does move and there is a story, the story though is almost non-narrative, beyond delivery even, the protagonist for the first section of this book (i cannot tell if this character remains the center or not honestly, entering certain later chapters (perhaps i am stupidddd)), is so bedridden and away from action, that you get his fantasies of what takes place which is truthfully not what occurs, and upon uncovering what occurs, he is still bedridden. this is so curious, he is so ill, the novel's existence is some kind of sputum almost.

anyhow, i am glad to get thoughts out on this book, helps solidify it in memory. i am about half of the way through the book, it will end and then what... maybe i stick with bataille, bring his essays to work next. or do i got back to gary indiana?? who knowsss. i know i will quit soon. worried about the potential for my reading to dissipate. would be sad for me. but i can't keep myself there, it wears on me horribly, honest. i do not like psychology as an apparatus, and i think the way health is spoken of generally can be freaky, if one thinks about all the assumptions it develops (though, it is hard to discard it. i feel guilty for that) and with the admission of guilt, i will say, a rather obvious thing i guess, but i really have not been doing well with this job, i am doing well at it but my internal life is getting to be a fucking mess and i hate it. i don't know how it does this to me but it's really hellish spending a lot of my days in an actual state of being triggered by the insects at home and then at work barely existing at all. i snuff myself and when i return to, i am just frazzled and maybe even losing it a little more than i know.

the other day, i swear, i saw a couple ants in the bedroom, i killed them, on the wall in their place, there were over 10!! i killed them all. 2 returned. i killed them. i have seen no ants since, it resembled a dream, where you look away, and see your object of horror returned multifold. it was too narrative, it really does not feel real though maybe insects just have that about them. they are occasionally, or frequently maybe, holes in the 'real' we imagine. especially regarding cleanliness.

i wonder about if i have ocd somewhat often these days. though, do i even believe that these diagnoses should be treated as real and that any pathologizing of myself can do me any good? obviously not, but... it remains inside me. horrible.

anyway, anyway, anyway what. i dunno, i really just nneed to sleep so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[orifu]

good evening my beloved chatters. its time for another episode of orifu v doccy who. this time we're tackling those first two episodes of season 1

yes, i missed wild blue yonder, the giggle and the church on ruby road. maybe ill get back to them.

anyway. to address what i said last time about the new tardis interior, i was entirely wrong. the new interior only sucks when its in apple store mode. they put in the colour and it can look gorgeous, even if its a single colour. love seeing it change.

now, in a moment for the show that i will only call "unique" the first two episodes were dropped at midnight today. im not gonna point fingers at who did what here nor am i going to speculate about disney or whatever. this is about the content of the episodes, not the whatever else. personally im ok staying up til 2am for the stuff.

space babies. that sure was an episode. i think the plot was a very interesting concept, even if its execution felt a little lackluster. the babies themselves looked fine but sounded mostly... off... but that's not really a problem.

i recognise im a mega genius but it feels like the whole thing with the bogeyman was just trying to delay the reveal of it all being mucus. it was pretty obvious pretty early on. i do like the idea of the rogue machine trying to raise the babies through bringing stories to life.

overall i think the episode was really solid. not the best but what you'd expect from doctor who. the visuals were a whole other story though -- you can really tell where the budget is going. i think this episode to me is like a 7/10. its for sure the prelude to something greater.

the devil's chord. jinkx's character is so good. i just love the camp and the whole attitude and it just works so well idk. the way she plays maestro is incredible and i love their whole character. they really carry the episode.

i dont know anything about the beatles so i cant speak to that aspect of the episode. the plot is interesting, leaning more into the fantasy aspect that neo who seeks to explore. maestro being part of the toymaker's legions is a great explanation for their presence. and, of course, more rtd foreshadowing.

i know this is gonna be controversial but being meta with the music is a really cool idea i think. the doctor who theme being played in universe like 3 times or something, ruby playing her own theme (i think) and the doctor breaking the fourth wall (the incidental music!) were executed well imo.

it's a bit of a weird contradiction how maestro destroying earth before ruby was born not affecting her while the butterfly did (is that what that tardis setting thing did?) but whatev. the whole music video at the end of the episode was unexpected but honestly just really cool. i did appreciate maestro's singing too and i feel it worked better than the doctor singing in the church on ruby road.

honestly i love how wlw is like mentioned twice in the episode but just as a normal thing. somehow to me that makes maestro mentioning the sad lesbian music just funnier that itd otherwise be. i think rep that doesnt go "wow look at me" works best as it does here. and yes, as a girl in red head, i do love lesbian heartbreak music.

even if this episode's plot was really simple in concept it doesnt feel dragged out like space babies and is overall a lot more entertaining. and, of course, more building up of whatever russell's cooking up. i think this episode is like an 8/10 for me. excited for more!

conclusion? ig? next week is moffat's episode boom. ive heard this is doctor lite (but im not sure) and apparently the whole episode is about the doctor stepping on a mine and not being able to move. i would be entirely unexcited if it werent moffat writing this episode.

doctor who clearly has a lot of threads at play between mrs flood, the whole toymaker stuff, the 14th doctor, the one who waits, the master, etc, etc, etc. i hope we manage to get a satisfying ending instead of a classic rtd deus ex machina.

i presumably have a lot more thoughts i have already forgotten or havent thunk yet. if you want to know more of my opinions, watch harbo wholmes' eventual review. we tend to agree a lot. until next week, i guess that's it. how do i end one of these posts again

[youareinlovetv]

when i posted this on halloween, i was mostly just joking. i just thought it would be funny to make a post based on that 600k notes post.

but i honestly didnt expect this post to blow up like it did. and it’s crazy. tons of blogs came together to get notes for me. fandoms were united. my phone almost blew up from the crazy amount of notifications i was getting.

which was all fine and well. i treated this like a joke still. until i started getting asks. a lot of asks. from people making sure i was taking care of myself. and as the days went by, they were getting increasingly desperate. and it made me realize that people genuinely care about me. the fact that all of these people sent me asks because THEY CARED about me made me sit back and realize a lot of things.

i thought about it and yeah. a lot of people care. everyone that put notes on this post. my discord friends. my parents. my siblings. my family.

but today, something happened that almost made me tear up.

i’ve been out of school for about a week because i’ve had really bad mental health problems (long story). i’ve gotten no assignments done and i’ve just. really been struggling. school makes me feel awful every day because i never feel included. but i got a text today.

it was from my friend. she asked if i was okay. she texted two more times later today saying she was worried and just wanted to make sure i was okay. and i almost teared up.

for months i’ve felt like i didn’t belong in that school. people kept excluding me or treating me differently. it seemed like i was being treated like everyone else but in reality i was being manipulated and used as a joke. that i was just some autistic fat gay little 9th grader. won’t get too much into it but the whole school tested me badly.

but that one text made me realize that. at least ONE person cared for me. ONE. one person from school who likes me for who i am. who resided that there’s a person behind the joke. so she reached out.

i will 100% start to take care of myself, one day at a time. you all wanted me to do this, so, i am. because now i feel way less alone than i have.

and to anyone out there battling depression, anxiety, PTSD, or any other mental illness, or even just struggling right now; it may sound cliche but you are not alone. reach out to someone. i promise that they’ll try to help. if you have no one to reach out to, ask someone on tumblr. or me. (maybe not me though because i’m like 14)

point is, there are people that care for you. don’t push yourself away. it’ll make things worse. i love you. <3

i’ll be posting about my progress and my journey with the tag #tom tries, so be on the lookout for that! i’ll be turning off reblogs in a few days just because it’ll get annoying if people keep reblogging this lol. i’ve already seen people complain about this post taking over their dashboard.

so yeah, that’s it! again, thank you all so so much. i love you all, and i PROMISE that i’ll try to get better and overcome my depression. thank you. <3

i’ve been inspired by the person who said if they got 666k notes they would practice self care. so ya know what? i’ve been in a spiral of depression for months so if this post gets 1 MILLION notes by the end of 2023, i will start taking care of myself and actually try to battle my depression and live my life. (this is never going to get 1m notes yall HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA)

[bennuma-crossing]

2.5

To make sure Emri had time to eat, Faver didn’t want to hurry on his way to fetch Acker. Besides, he was certain Rinna wanted to talk to him, and he needed to check on everyone. At least, he intended to go around to each tent that had sick people in it, make sure the helpers and relatives of the sick were tending to the illness as he’d instructed, and personally look over the people who were worst off. He wished he was capable of always checking each and every single one himself, but there were too many. If he even tried to tend to everyone personally, he’d never manage to do anything else – including sleep.

Some of the sickest people had gotten worse, but not as much as he’d expected, and others of the worst off had, marvelously, not gotten worse at all since the last time he’d checked on them. They didn’t seem to have improved – yet – but a day ago he’d had every reason to think that most of these would have died by now. The way things had been going with the progression of the illness, and the few who had died previously… it had to be on account of the new medicine that no more had died today, even if some remained on the point of it. He wasn’t sure if they’d all still be alive by the morning, but he believed their chances were far better now than they had been before.

Rinna appeared to be pleased at Faver’s assessment of things; he’d want to think it was only that she’d be as glad as him for the same reasons, but she made some comment about Emri having been walking around all the sick people earlier, that sounded like Rinna had been concerned… about what? Did she really think Emri would have… interfered with the treatment of the sick people in some negative way? She didn’t say so outright, but she certainly sounded skeptical and cautious in a way that Faver felt was unwarranted.

Faver pulled Rinna aside, just out of the tents. “You’re sounding paranoid, like Remal. What’s wrong with Emri checking up on those who are ill? She’s assisting me, and like any apprentice of mine, it’s reasonable for her to look in on my patients, especially since there are too many for me to be always checking on all of them myself. She’s helping, and I don’t see any reason why you or Remal or anyone else should think that she isn’t!”

Rinna pursed her lips and crossed her arms over her chest, taking up a stance that was remarkably similar to what Brylin did when she didn’t intend to give an inch of ground. The look didn’t sit as well on her, though.

“Aron told me,” she said, in a very unsympathetic tone, “that you were displeased about Remal being assigned to keep an eye on our visitor.”

Faver took up a stubborn posture as well, and adopted a lecturing tone. With some people, it was important to let them know you wouldn’t simply be walked over, even when you were cooperating with them. “You know Remal. He’s the sort of person who tends to get in the way more than help, when it comes to my sort of work – especially with the sullen way he’s been acting towards almost everyone. Emri hasn’t done anything to harm anyone, and I don’t like seeing people act antagonistic towards someone who is sincerely trying to help all of us. I don’t like for you or any of the other leaders to encourage anyone – especially Remal – to be even more suspicious in this situation. It does no good for any helper of mine to be getting intimidated and startled at every turn, who I need to be focused on the work that needs to be done. Besides, it’s no way to treat a guest, and she’s done nothing to deserve unkind treatment.”

Feeling somewhat relieved that Rinna wasn’t interrupting him, but continued listening, Faver went on. He had a right to lodge complaints and express his concerns, after all. “You know it’s not good for Remal, either, don’t you? I worry that he’s already more paranoid and negative than is good for him. The strain of it, combined with this attitude he’s had of being overprotective not only towards his own relations, but this entire camp of people? It’s too much stress for him to be taking on, and I hate to see anyone encourage it!”

Faver huffed, and Rinna raised an eyebrow with a look as though questioning whether he was finished. Having relaxed his stance somewhat while talking, Faver straightened up and fixed Rinna with one of his most serious looks, raising an eyebrow himself in what he thought was a challenging manner, daring her to refute anything he’d just said.

Rinna sighed, put a hand to the side of her head, and offered a small smile. “Encouragement? We hardly gave him any encouragement at all. We only thought that if he appeared to be wary of a stranger, it’d be useful if he were assigned to report back to us about anything he might notice or find out.”

Faver relaxed a little, but still gave Rinna a serious look. “In that case, when you ask him to report to you, would you encourage him to look on the positive side a little bit? I don’t want him making an occupation out of suspicion, paranoia, and fear. It’s one thing to gather information, and quite another to assume the worst by default and go looking for it.”

Rinna folded her arms again, but looked down this time. “I know you like to always look for the best in everyone, but… you know pretty much everyone in camp has good reason to be less trusting than they used to be. Remal’s not the only one who feels that way, although… you may be right in thinking he’s taken it farther than most. The Leaders’ Circle has… gotten a lot of complaints about him. He tries to help everyone, but is always on alert and can’t calm down, so he acts stern and impatient with everyone and gets on the nerves of a lot of people, stressing out everyone who is already on edge. Remember how he upset that whole village on their market day? All he had to do was let Hin ask if they’d accept having our camp set up nearby and trade with them, but he reacted threateningly to a routine challenge, and would have gotten into a fight if Hin hadn’t dragged him off immediately.”

Faver smiled a little, and chuckled.

“It wasn’t funny at all!” Rinna protested sternly, with a glare at Faver.

“Not that part, no, but what Jambry did to handle the situation afterwards, that was funny.”

“I shudder to think of it. That old guy is a piece of work, no doubt.”

“It was hilarious, and it worked.”

Scowling, Rinna waved a hand dismissively. “Never mind that. The point is, many of us think that Remal needs to be kept busy so that he’ll bother less people, but there’s only a handful of people who can put up with him and who he might listen to.”

“Mostly just Hin, I think. Isn’t that why Hin has been taking him on the longer, more roundabout scouting trips most of the time? So he’d be in and around camp as little as possible.”

Rinna looked back at Faver. “That may make things easier on most, but it’s not the best thing for Hin, and also… Hin has reported that it doesn’t help change anything. He says it’s because it allows Remal too much time to think on his own, and that he’s stuck thinking all the same things over and over and isn’t actually working through any of it. He thinks Remal needs something different to occupy his mind, instead of just working himself to death. Many of the Leaders, as well as Elders who’ve been consulted, think the same, and wanted to take the opportunity to give him a different sort of assignment as soon as one presented itself. Besides, it’s doubtful that Remal would simply stop acting suspicious and prickly, so we might as well put it to constructive use. I don’t think Hin is the only person Remal listens to, either. There’s also you.”

“He doesn’t listen to me. Not without arguing over it, anyway.”

“That’s better than most. Actually, I’ve realized there seems to be one person he doesn’t argue with, and that’s Nina. Now, Aron and I were thinking earlier, that Emri probably needs more time to get to know you and others, before she’d be willing to volunteer much information about subjects she’s avoided so far. She seems to respond well to Nina, though.”

“So you want to drag my daughter into this little scheme of yours?”

“I wouldn’t put it like that, but if she’s around, Remal might be less argumentative with you, and Emri might talk to her more. We want Nina and some of the other children who often help with foraging while minding the flocks, along with some of the older people who do the same and are good at teaching others, to have a lesson on identifying the new plants. You’re convinced these medicines of Emri’s are helping, so we’re going to want a lot more of those plants, which means teaching more people to recognize them.”

“So if you want me to have Nina around to work with Emri, does that mean I can send Remal off to get him out of my way?”

“How about sending him with Emri and Nina, out gathering plants.”

Faver sighed. “I suppose that might be practical… especially if an additional adult goes along.”

“Good. We’ll coordinate with you tomorrow about getting a group together for an herbs lesson. I think that tomorrow evening, after part of the camp is moved, would be a good time. Then, when the herders take the flocks across the river on the following day, they will know what to look for.”

“Alright.” Resignedly, Faver shrugged and continued on to the last tent, where he had stationed Acker. Rinna followed along. Hin was there with his boys, so Faver took the opportunity to check up on them. Hallen and Zaneth were sound asleep, so Faver inquired quietly about them. Hin said that Safia had been doing better after eating and having a bit of rest, so her mother had taken her to get cleaned up and to bed. Eloisa had briefly returned with a snack for supper and had also verified to Hin that Safia hadn’t any recent insect bites. After seeing that her sons weren’t any worse, she went back to stay with Safia.

Acker nodded to Faver and then pointed out to him where the boys had been bitten numerous times. He avoided waking them, so Faver didn’t look them over completely, instead trusting to Acker’s assessment. Faver had seen some of it earlier, but hadn’t noticed the full extent of it. He asked Hin if he’d seen it before the last trip the boys had taken.

“No.” Hin replied sadly. “After their previous trip fetching water at the old spot, I didn’t check them over myself. They said that they had hardly been bitten at all.”

“Well, they were fibbing to say so. Maybe they were just trying to be tough, and maybe they didn’t want to worry you. These bites all look like they came from that previous trip, or earlier. Since Safia didn’t get any bites on the last trip to the new location, that place should be relatively safe for others to go to.”

“I agree.” Hin said. “I believe a couple of our more experienced scouts already left earlier, so that they can bring back more water for everyone who will be staying here after the rest of the camp moves tomorrow.”

Faver nodded. “We’re going to make more of that poultice for the insect bites. We may need to prioritize applying it to people who have been bitten but haven’t gotten sick yet, but I want these two boys to be treated with it as well. I’ll probably have someone do that later tonight.” Faver then motioned for Acker to join him. “Come with me. We’re going to teach you to make the new medicines.”

As he and Acker started back to the work tent, Faver could hear Rinna whisper to Hin. She was probably going to take him aside for a private chat, too. Some people were never finished strategising.

[meeverywheresblog]

Aging

Hi. It's me again. I remembered today this account randomly when I thought that I would love to write down what I think about life. I know I said I'd post here weekly or daily and that never happened. I completely forgot about this account and I never wanted to write down any thoughts. However, here are we now.

I wanted to update me since I realized now that I have a remembering issue. I don't know how my brain works but I don't remember promising myself to post here or anything. I remember finding this account at some point but I thought I never posted again.

Since I want to buy a new notebook to write down my feelings and thoughts but I don't have time/money to do since, I have decided to use this account now.

A quick update to myself so I would never forget:

I moved out a new apartment during the same year. I believe I moved out in Oct or Sep not sure. It is way better than the first 2 apartments I used to live in.

I couldn't find love since people are very sexual and weird over there.

I touched the grass and lived the moment since I have double my salary now when I decided to resign from the company I used to work at. I bought new clothes, I dyed my hair in a way that makes me look like a cool version of me which is not true. I am not that cool.

I go to new places, I stopped violin courses and I didn't go to the gym or signed for dancing classes.

The only things that happened to me in my own brain and the new thoughts that are controlling me are:

I don't want to work my relationship with my family. I feel like it's now seriously over. I don't miss my mom, I don't want to see her. I even don't remember her on a daily basis unless she sent me a msg. We have a crowded month in the work so we decided to have only 1 day off and the whole plan got changed and we still have 2 day off. I'm still leaving my mom under the impression that I have 1 day off so we won't meet. I don't know why would like to meet her. I don't have things that I want to share. However, I will meet Aunt Hala today and I think about talking to her about these stuff. Not sure what will happen.

I stopped talking to one of the closest friends to me. I won't share her name here in case we won't talk again only bec I would like to know if in months I opened this account again will remember her? or will we be friends again? not sure what will happen and Ill leave it to future me to live the moment.

I'm now 22 and in 8 months I will be 23. For some reason I became more aware of my age even though when I wrote down now that Im 22 it felt like Im so young. However, that is not happening inside my head. I feel like Im so old and every day i spend in bed rotting I feel like I wasted a day. Im not sure what happened that resulted in me feeling like that however its not normal bec i just bought the iphone i was dreaming of, a new TV and became more able to use the money to live my own lifestyle after realizing that I was the problem not the money itself.

Im more into having a routine with fixed schedules and I now love waking up at 7 AM. I learned how to cycle (im not that good yet).

I came to realize that now I not that strong. Now I am weaker and changing my lifestyle didn't make me strong but instead made me realize that im a very very sensitive person. I have a lot of flows and now i have a lot of brand new feelings that im not used to. i downloaded a book about self love and I was impressed since i have always judged people who did so. I didn't finish the book of course which is expected from me however I knew that i don't face my feelings and I tend to try to remove them completely if they are -ve feelings. I don't like feeling jealous and I tend to think low of me if i did so. I now don't have the courage to confess or confront people. In all my phases in life i used to think whether it is the best or worst version of me and now I don't know. I think Im most confused person ever and i don't even know yet what id like to do with my life. ill try to brag about my life to my aunt today only to seek for validation and see if she can help me enhance the quality of my life. if i didn't have the time or the courage to do so, then im completely alone as well. i am lost in my own thoughts and I don't know what to do. i hope life will at some time be better and easy for me which is a very hard thing to do in Egypt.

The best thing worth to mention is: I finally feel a slight happiness in my life which is not always the case but it is a brand new feeling. thanks to me for at least trying :)

[five-sparrows-two-pennies]

apples & blankets

6 December 2023

I woke up yesterday morning feeling awful. I've really pushed myself too hard this time, I thought, expecting this to be an extreme case of exercise fatigue. I thought about staying home, but staying home from over-exercising seemed a poorly excuse, so, feverish and fatigued as I was, I made my way to work, each small step feeling like a mammoth task. I've felt like this before from exercise the night prior, but this time was just far worse - I reasoned it was because it was also the start of my cycle. It took me around 45 minutes to get to work, and another 20 minutes sitting at my desk before realising that no, this was not going to work. I needed to go home. The return home was awful, I was so tired. I had no appetite but was simultaneously hungry, and forced down a banana as I walked to the station. The rest of yesterday was spent bed-ridden - I was too tired to do anything but lie in bed and try to sleep, shivering under my blankets even though it was a warm day. I felt my body really needed food - especially since my muscles were recovering from exercise the night before, and because it was the time of the month - but even as my stomach rumbled, the last thing I wanted to do was eat. I managed to force down a few bites of leftover shepherd's pie. I don't think I have ever felt so awful, nor so frail. I will never take good health for granted ever again, I thought, thinking about those with long-term illnesses who must feel like this on a regular basis. At around 4pm, I decided I should eat an apple. 10 minutes later, I was throwing up over the sink. I don't think I've vomited since I was a young child - I didn't think my body would do it. But it did, and it was disgusting. I felt better after throwing up, and I also realised that I had caught gastro - it seemed to be going around at church. Last night, I had plain congee for dinner. It tasted surprisingly good. I slept for around 12 hours, I think. I'm still quite tired today, and my stomach still feels funny, but I'm feeling better than yesterday. This seems like poor timing. We have a Christmas party at work tomorrow, which I offered to miss so that I could attend to our patients. As soon as we heard that patients were booked on that day, I knew the right thing to do was offer to stay back. But now that I'm out with gastro, someone else will have to miss the party. I reminded of something I thought about often when I was younger: that in suffering, if nothing else at all, at least you gain some empathy.