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[five-sparrows-two-pennies]

fish & planes

5 November 2024

They told her that there were other fish in the sea, and she responded headstrong and stubborn that she didn’t care - she wanted her fish. There was no other fish like it, and there never would be. She didn’t care about the other fish.

It seems God had to put her on a plane and get her to the other side of the world for her to realise that there really were other fish in the sea. And sure, none of them would ever be the same, but she realised that there were some pretty special fish out there.

And all of a sudden, unexpectedly, she found herself having permanently let go.

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21 October 2024

“Okay, that’s it,” he said. “You’ve got to tell me your secret.”

She smiled, flipping over the tiles to start a new game. “You can’t be afraid to break it up.”

“That - ” he trailed off, picking up the X that had led to his demise. “That actually makes a lot of sense.”

“When you get an X, and most of your tiles are already used up, you’re going to have to break up your words. An X isn’t something you tag on to the end of something else. It’s something you build your whole world around.

People know this, but they hesitate to break up something they’ve invested so much time on. They’re so close to the end. There must be a way that doesn’t require tearing apart something they’ve worked so hard for.

But there is no other way. Sometimes, the only way forward is to destroy everything you’ve built, otherwise you’ll just be stuck forever.”

She smiled at him once more, and said quietly, “That’s how you win.”

But he knew she wasn’t talking about Banagrams anymore.

- excerpts from a book I’ll never write

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Lago di Braies, Italy 🌍

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Mossy Boulder | Olympic National Forest

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coughing & fortitude

27 September 2024

It turns out I don’t have as much fortitude as I would have liked to think I did. Or faith, for that matter. These are difficult things to admit.

I feel like I’ve had just a handful of ‘normal’ days in the past two months, and only one where I felt like my usual happy-self. First, it was the stomach pain and digestive problems which lingered for a while after the heartbreak. Then, it was the worst PMS I’ve ever had (chills, headache, fatigue). And now, this. Neither of the first two broke me - they sucked but they didn’t push me further from God. I knew He would get me through them.

But when my body is covered in sweat in the middle of a cold night, strained from coughing incessantly; and when I am bent over the bathroom sink for the fourth time that night, my body aching with every cough; and when I am propped upright in a corner of the wall, wondering if the coughing will ever stop and if sleep will ever come, for the seventh night in a row, the thought crosses my mind: Is there a God out there and why won’t He answer my prayers? There was nothing I could do to make myself stop coughing and fall asleep. But I knew God could do that in a heartbeat. So why wasn’t He? For the first time, I felt like the Psalmist asking why God was so far away.

But the moment you turn against God, there’s nothing left. There’s nothing left to turn to. And I knew that the only thing that could help me in that moment was God. And I knew that nothing passes to me that has not passed through God’s permission first (Psalm 139:5). And I knew that if He did not withhold His Son from me, He wouldn’t withhold any good from me (Romans 8:32). And eventually, my breathing cleared and I fell asleep, understanding that every breath was a gift from Him.

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antihistamines & this broken side of life

23 September 2024

There are three types of people who get up before 6:30am on a public holiday: 1. The disciplined, who have trained themselves to do so. 2. The excited 10-year-olds, eager to start their birthday. 3. The too-sick-to-sleep, who know that lying there for any longer won't give them the sleep they long for. Never would I have anticipated that I'd fall into good old Category #3. I have to admit: though I never put such thoughts into words, I know a part of me was always a bit pleased that my hay fever was never bad enough to need to take antihistamines - I eat fairly healthy, exercise regularly, and sleep well. I look after my body, and those who do seem to have less severe symptoms. And I never gave much empathy for the people who did suffer from hay fever - after all, it wasn't like they were actually sick, or that their bodies were actually fighting some real pathogen. I gotta say, it hurt when I was shoved off my high horse. On Saturday, I woke up at 12:30am to a screaming headache. On Sunday, I woke up in the middle of the night once more, feeling like my throat was on fire. When I finally crawled out of bed, I was coughing over the sink so much, I was scared I'd throw up. This morning, seeing my clock read 2:30am, my throat somehow worse than the day before, voice hoarse, coughs racking my chest, and trying to fall back asleep while sitting upright with my back against the wall, I assure you: any ounce of pride I previously had was well and truly gone. I never imagined I'd be counting down the hours until I could take the next antihistamine. I wish I could be outside, sunshine on my skin, plans not cancelled. But hey, even though I didn't sleep all that well, at least I'm not as fatigued as I was those first few days of hay fever. And I know that there are many suffering much worse for much longer. So, I find myself at a familiar crossroad: I can sit around feeling sorry for myself, or I can make the most of this broken side of life.

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Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland

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@fishermansbay_garden

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Jagglish Horn, Switzerland (by Damian Markutt)

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Bridge of Ross, Clare, Ireland.

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the coyote den; mono lake, california

instagram - twitter - website

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The warm glow of sunset kisses the top of Devil’s Tower, standing tall against a pastel sky. Below, a field of frost-touched grass adds a layer of tranquility to this serene landscape.

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Gold Coast, Queensland

_harrrryy_