M. C. || 24 || Australia || ✝ "Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." - Luke 12:6-7 (NIV)
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Schloss Schonbuhel / Austria (by Dominik Schenk).
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4 January 2025
"Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have."
- John Piper
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nightbirde & floating
27 December 2024
"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore, before you decide to be happy." - Nightbirde When I heard Jane Marczewski say these words on international television in 2021, I wasn't entirely sure what she meant. The words are simple to understand, but for a writer such as Jane, I imagined they held a lot more depth than the obvious. I knew she had a beautiful faith, and yet, I wondered if her words were encouraging an indulgence in the fleeting, temporary pleasures of this world - an attempt to distract and to drown out her pain and sorrows, which we know doesn't really work. I have been told over and over that it is only God who can satisfy, and I have repeated those words just as many times myself - even if only just to myself. But I believe, now, that there is a difference in wild escapism, and the simple enjoyment of pleasures. It's okay to find moments of real happiness when afflicted with great sorrows. It's okay to joke around with friends when there are more serious things to deal with. It's okay to jump into a pool and let the peacefulness of floating hold you for a moment. It's okay to intentionally seek out things that will bring you small comforts - it is not a slippery slope into idolatry and it is not a betrayal to God. To intentionally distract from pain is okay - sometimes a momentary reprieve is what we need in order to survive, to keep going. It doesn't mean you care any less about the things hurting your heart. Jane's words, I believe, express permission to be happy, when circumstances oblige you to be sad.
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9 December 2024
“I really like you, I do, but…” she trailed off.
“But what?” His voice was gentle but his fists clenched, nervous.
“You remind me too much of my best friend,” she said quietly.
“Most people would think that’s a good thing, but you look so” - he searched her eyes - “sad about it.”
“She’s my best friend, and I love her, and I am so happy for her, but…”
“But…?”
“Ever since we were kids, it’s just felt like her life was so easy, so sheltered, her family so whole. And I really am so happy for her - I am - but next to her ” - she looked away before continuing - “my life has always seemed extra heavy, extra messy, and extra broken.”
“I mean, everyone has their own problems at some point or another, no? She’s never shared about any problems at all?”
“Of course she has, and I don’t mean to be insensitive, but I would trade my problems for hers in a heartbeat. They would barely make me bat an eyelid.”
“Did they make her bat an eyelid?”
“I believe they did, yes. It was difficult for her.”
“I know that it doesn’t seem fair, but maybe you’ve been dealt a harder hand because you’re much stronger than the average person. It takes more to challenge you, to grow you.”
“I feel more like I’m breaking than growing right now,” she said, the tears threatening to fall.
It hurt him, that she didn’t feel she could lean on him. He could see the tears in her eyes, and he wished more than anything to be able to bear some of her pain. He was a little afraid to ask the next question, but it had to be asked: “I remind you of your best friend because I make you feel… broken?”
“I think that you are really lovely,” she said earnestly, meeting his eyes.
“That’s not what I asked,” he said quietly.
“When we were little, we used to play with the kids next door. They were around our age. It was really fun, until one day, my parents had a huge argument at home. It was loud. I have no doubt that our neighbours heard it all. The next day, the kids next door didn’t come out to play, even though they always did, and when we finally saw them a few days later, they completed avoided eye contact as their mum ushered them quickly into the car. Children can be pretty perceptive, you know. I knew that their parents had told them they were not allowed to play with us anymore - the kids from the messy family next door.” She paused and took a breath. “I feel, sometimes, that you are like the kid from the respectable family next door, and that our lives aren’t meant to merge.”
His heart fell. He was angry at the parents of the kids next door. He imagined the shame they made her feel, at something that was beyond her control; something that was not inherently shameful at all. He took her hand in one of his, and lifted her chin up to look at him with the other.
“Do you know what I would have done if I was the kid next door?” he said gently. “I would have hugged you and whispered to you that everything would be okay, no matter what my parents told me to do. Because that’s what you needed.”
The tears were falling from her eyes now, and he wiped them away with his thumb.
“I know that I have not suffered much. I know that a lot of things have come easily to me. I know that I have lived a relatively sheltered life,” he said. “But I also know that I will always be there to hold you, and to whisper to you that everything will be okay - if you will have me.”
- excerpts from a book I’ll never write
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“When we get into such trouble that we cannot help ourselves and feel our entire dependence on him, then he will reveal his power.” - Charles Spurgeon
2 December 2024
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leaven & buses
27 November 2024
For a week after the Passover, the Israelites were instructed to remove all leaven from their houses and eat bread made without yeast. When the Israelites were finally urged out of Egypt, they left in such a hurry that they had no time to anyway to add yeast to their bread even if they wanted to. (It is not difficult to imagine there were a few who had not removed the leaven from their homes.)
Sometimes, God arranges circumstances such that we don’t have a choice but to obey. And it feels very embarrassing when that happens. Because you know it’s something you should’ve done in the first place. For example, staying up late talking on the phone to a cute boy who you should not be talking to, especially for so long! So when his internet all of sudden cuts out and isn’t fixed for a few hours - forcing you to go to bed - others might think it a strange coincidence, but you know that it is God stepping in and nudging you to listen. You know it’s for the best, but it feels awfully embarrassing to be forced to listen.
In a similar way, I know I’ve been a little loose with my bed time. And I know I need to be more disciplined. I had to get to work by 8:30am this morning. I was already a little pressed for time but I wanted to water my sunflowers (because I didn’t yesterday). I figured I could catch the closer bus - I had five minutes to walk to the bus stop. But when I got to the main road, and the stream of cars just kept on flowing - a barrier between me and the bus stop - I knew I would be cutting it close.
The bus pulled up when I was still stuck on the island in the middle. I knew I would be late if I didn’t catch that particular bus. I also knew it would be better to be late than to risk my life crossing when there were so many cars. So, I began to accept that I would be late, and it would be a little humiliating and irresponsible, and it would be my own fault. I would sleep earlier from now on.
But the bus didn’t move. I realised - I hoped - still standing on the island, that the driver was waiting for me. The stream of cars temporarily gave way and I ran the rest of the way to the bus, ready to say an earnest thank you to the driver when I stepped on. I have watched bus drivers pull away even when they notice someone waiting on the island, anxious to catch the bus. I was grateful for this driver’s kindness, for God’s grace.
Needless to say, I have learnt my lesson. Somewhere between the desperation of staring at a bus a stone-throw away, and the embarrassment of holding up an entire bus full of people, was the resolve of bring more disciplined with my sleep schedule from now on.
I am thankful for the Lord’s discipline, and I am thankful for His grace.
It was 8:28am when I walked through the department door.
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