#i have 3 pills left from 8 months ago i keep saving them for just incase
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blackcurrant-juice · 15 days ago
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how can i convince the school psychiatrist to give me more antidepressants
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janitorjuliann · 8 months ago
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just doing a little thought process for my homegame lmao
OH I PUBLISHED THIS INSTEAD OF SAVING TO DRAFTS. big cw for suicide discussion bc my man Diego is not going so hot right now!!
1. diego is gonna kill himself
2. julio is dead. the boy he helped raise, his cousin, his little brother. the man he promised his parents to look after. the reason he's alive at all, the reason he has purpose in his life. dead on a mission that was deeply personal to diego, a mission they didn't even finish
3. diego is gonna kill himself
4. julio wouldn't want him to. julio worked so hard to stop exactly that, months ago, was so happy any time diego smiled, any time he seemed like he was glad to be alive
5. julio can't want anything anymore, because he's dead
6. diego is gonna kill himself
7. but he has to tell julio's parents first. he has to take care of his body. he has to make sure his parents are alright, he has to apologise to them, he has to do the right thing and sit with them through the grief of their only son, dead. and then...
8. what are they going to do if diego is dead, too? he isn't their son, but they love him. what would it be like, to lose two children in one day, one by their own hand?
9. what is ramona going to do? it was just days ago that she came to diego and told him she didn't know how to go on, asked how someone can live with the crushing weight of guilt and helplessness and regret, and didn't diego tell her that you just have to keep living? that if you give up, you lose the chance to lift the weight off someone else?
10. what is nico going to do? if he couldn't save his friend from bleeding out in front of him, and then hours later another friend is gone? they loved each other, once. how can he make his friend helpless like that again?
11. diego is... struggling
12. if he'd just made the right fucking choice. if he'd gone to julio as soon as he was brought back to consciousness. if he'd planned for turrets like he almost did. if he hadn't gotten them involved in fucking ShotSec business, if he hadn't gotten into the business in the first place. if he'd just fucking quit when his husband begged him to.
13. if he'd left with Ben, and gone back home. the both of them going to Julio's parents together, not him alone half-dead with self-loathing and pills, but a couple ready for a new start. would Julio have ever started doing vigilante work? would it have gone better?
14. would he still be exactly where he is now?
15. diego is gonna... keep moving. there are things he needs to do. and after those things are done... well. he can make that decision when it's done.
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ruluxe · 4 years ago
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First Line Tag Game III
Hey hey hey tagged by @gaytaiga this time, tysm my dude! (ALSO tagging you back if you want to list more!!)
Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!
This will likely be more finished works than wips because I deleted wattpad all other writing accounts that had wips a long time ago. I might throw in some excerpts from my unfished webcomic series though!
Tagging anyone else who wants to do this again, so make sure if you do it to tag me! 
1.  Pollution  — Character Bible Series [Christian Cavanaugh/Luca Braun wip]: The brain's ability to remember and conveniently forget is a peculiar thing. It often represses the bad memories, trauma's strange like that. Someone could live an entire lifetime without remembering anything yet the slightest sensation could trigger the worst memory locked away in the darkest depths of the psyche and worlds could come crashing down. [2019, Original Work]
2.  Pollution — Character Bible Series [Benjamin Keller/Parker Madison/Oz Hellsinger wip]: His skin is sticky beneath the mask; mouth and nose obstructed but his eyes are not. Still, it serves its purpose of concealing his identity-- or at least Benji hopes it does. The heat from his breath rises while beads of sweat swim down his brows and into his eyes so he can’t stop blinking rapidly. The contact in his right eye starts to shift and his vision is blurred momentarily before he's able to blink it back into place. Someone beside Benji urges him to hurry up. [2018-2019, Original Work]
3. (I Found You) In a Melody [galahau/abandoned]: The ivory beneath his fingertips is cool and smooth, making the stroking motion of his fingers waltzing across keys as easy of an action as breathing. Mellow notes flood the lounge as the cello kicks in, and Galahad’s eyes slide shut so he can tune into the music; the slow rattle of the snare or the bass drum kicking in at the perfect intervals, the taper of the cymbals and the resonating pluck of the cello strings. The sharps are chiming off the airwaves like dewdrops and finally the soft-silk flow of the lounge singer’s voice is the finishing touch to round off the harmony. [2015, Gangsta.]
4. Binding Patience [galahau]: Perhaps anyone with impatience wouldn't waste the time, but Hausen has all the time in the world when the end result is Galahad trembling on his knees at the edge of the bed, arms and hands bound in intricate patterns of rope behind his back, tethered and wound thick around his ankles like cast iron fetters. [2015, Gangsta.]
5. Radio Silence [galahau]: There's an audible click as the playback device ejects Doug's tag, and despite Galahad doing his best to clean off the blood, his eye still catches laces of it tarnishing the shineless metal. [2015, Gangsta.]
6. Turnabout’s Fair Play [Worick Arcangelo, character study]:  It starts with him splayed out and down on his knees, covered in the grime and filth of Ergastulum still clinging to his bruised and broken skin. He should have known better than to leave the sanctity of home by himself, but it’s getting harder and harder to look Nicolas in the face when all he sees is the shadow of his family’s blood splattered across it. [2015, Gangsta.]
7. The Aftermath [XS/1029]: Long after the chaos dies down and everyone’s left the hospital, Squalo’s not supposed to leave his bed but it doesn’t stop him from sauntering off to Xanxus’s private room. He suspects to find the other propped up against the many embroidered satin pillows he demanded from Lussuria with his brows drawn pensively, a miserable scowl on his face despite him supposed to be at peace in slumber. [2015, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!]
8. The End of Things [8059/yamagoku]: It starts with a kiss, slow and sensual, warm like the rising sun and just as bright. Yamamoto's pretty sure this will be the most memorable kiss of his life, knows it'll be the best kiss of his life, with the spicy smoke lingering off Gokudera's tongue etched into his brain; that's something he'll never forget. [2015, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!]
9.  Pyrexia [aokise]: When Kise wakes, it's to a throbbing headache and dull pain behind the eyes. His throat is burning raw and his joints ache, his muscles ache, everything is sore. He groans, feeling the heat of a fever spread through his skin like the heat of an unforgiving July sun is bearing down on him. [2015, Kuroko no Basuke]
10. Once. [deliyang]: He doesn't think before he moves, he just does. It's with snap-quick reflexes that he rips his gun from it's holster and aims it at the men in front of them. And Erica. Erica's there too... but it's not really Erica, is it. Things are never once what they seem. [2015, Alter End Series, Gangsta.]
11. Lightweight [D18/dinohiba]: It's quarter to four in the morning when Dino hears the scrape of metal against metal, the dragged out clinking of the keys against the lock. He's a little irritated, if he's being totally honest. It's not unusual for Kyoya to come home at this hour but it isn't unusual for Kyoya to not keep in contact during the day and explain himself or his whereabouts either. But perhaps there's a good reason as to why he's arriving home at four in the morning. In their line of work it's not like it isn't possible, but it had better be good if it's going to keep him in Dino's good graces. [2015, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!]
12. Mood  — Permanent Petals Epilogue [8059/yamagoku]: It isn’t that Gokudera wakes up in bad moods, in fact for the last few years waking up has been as pleasant as getting a full night’s sleep; no more shadowed insomnia plaguing the soft pale underneath his eyes, no more jittery and short cut patience – he is currently very content with his sleeping arrangements in this moment and all other moments that have passed and ones he has to look forward to in the future. [2015, Permanent Petals Gift Fic, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!]
13. Domestic [deliyang]: The house smells of eggs and rice, the heady aroma of rich-brewed coffee clings to the air. With an appreciative inhale, Delico’s lips slide into a smile easy as he makes his way downstairs.
14. : Advice [aokaga/abandoned]: Kagami isn't fond of days like these, no practise or games to keep him busy and the lack of a distraction leaves his mind to wander to thoughts that end up leaving a bad taste in his mouth.Aomine has been avoiding him lately, he's been distant and more acerbic than usual and Kagami can't bring himself to ask Aomine what the problem is. [2015, Open Spaces Series, Kuroko no Basuke]
15. When Time Stands Still [8059/yamagoku]: Sometimes you sit there for hours, your expression blank and your limbs numb and everything around you is eerily quiet but you can’t turn the volume down on the static noise that buzzes frenetically inside your head. You grit your teeth, you cover your ears but that can’t stop the sound. You get drunk, you take pills — despite your hatred for all things medicinal — but no amount of haze can muffle the shrillness. [2015, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!]
16. Broken [imahana]: It ends with Hanamiya on his knees, scuffed and scabbed and bloody and Imayoshi can’t be sorry for choosing the blacktop that’s as cracked and overused as Hanamiya is. There’s something about having him out here in the open, stripped of his clothing and dignity that sets Imayoshi’s skin on fire, gets him hot and irritated and he needs Hanamiya’s raw vulnerability to ease the itch whenever he gets it. [2014, Kuroko no Basuke]
17. Living the Dream [sourin]: Sousuke's shoulder aches and the near scalding hot water does little to soothe the pain. He's an idiot, he knows without a certain redhead having to tell him this, but determination is something that's bred into him and he just doesn't seem to know when to quit. He grits his teeth through the blinding white when he moves his shoulder just slightly and it jars him with enough force to make him nauseous. It makes him angry, makes him wish for a time machine so he can go back and do things differently. [2014, Free!]
18. Youth [S80]: It begins with standing on a ledge, too high to come off from for it's your only salvation now that you no longer have the resolve to live. But it's when the no-good boy with the large, round eyes saves you and tells you there is hope that you begin to believe. It's the smell of the baseball diamond, the warm sun and the air of dirt and sweat and perseverance that make you feel like you're where you should be. It's the fleeting feelings when you dash from base to base and slide in to home plate that make this age in time seem like an eternal stretch that you never want to leave. [2014, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!]
19. Rewind > Pause > Play [aokaga]: They had been fighting all day. Stupid, trivial, bickering arguments that had mounted into several, major shouting matches which in turn, had nearly lead to the end of their relationship. The months prior to this, Daiki thinks, should have been a warning of what was to come. [2014, 2021 REVISED, Kuroko no Basuke]
20. The Sidelines [aokaga]: Everyone thinks because you're stubborn that must make you dense. Everyone thinks because you're so self centered that all you see is you. Perhaps that were true in the later years of your Teikou run, perhaps that were true until you met him. You're curious about that enigmatic red head that has managed to surpass Kise and Midorima. You're intrigued of Tetsu's new light. When you find him out on the court that day, it isn't just coincidence. You need to know what this guy is all about. So you offer up a game of one-on-one. [2014, Kuroko no Basuke]
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wevegottogetaway · 4 years ago
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Whirlwind Part III - Sirocco
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DAY 3
As Aella sits in the campus refectory, her mind is still reeling from her fight with Harry the day before. She fins herself pushing peas around her plate as though the therapeutic movement could help her instill some order among her thoughts. Or just quiet them altogether. Someone like you. The cringeworthy words have been playing on an unfaltering loop since their author lashed them out to her face without a care. Someone like you. She desperately wants to tune it out, but it's like the record is trapped under the broken turntable needle and launched in endless revolution. Someone like y-
A pea is about to fall over her plate from the pushing, when she's greeted by a rowdy Dazzler and a quiet Tigger. The two form quite the complementary duo she notes, their polar dispositions counterbalancing each other in the most endearing way.
"Hiya, dear Aella. I believe it's story time for you!" Daz exclaims after jumping on the seat across from her, a large smile lighting up his face. Aella wonders for a second if it's not stapled to his skin instead; she's never seen Dazzler sport any other expression than pure elation. His singular request stops her musings in confusion, however.
"Story time?" She inquires with a perplexed frown.
"Love, you have no idea how badly my ears want to be graced with the very details of how you whipped Rex's sodding arse." His enthusiasm for such a mundane thing truly amazes her. And admittedly, she quite envies him and his talent for finding happiness in the smallest things.
"Ah yes, the highlight of my week," is all she acknowledges.
"Mine too, had I been there to witness it. That's why I need the next best thing: an exhaustive report of the whole scene." Dazzler explains, tailgating his answer with a suggestive double-nudge of his eyebrows.
"Well, it's nothing much really." She says looking down at her plate. But once she brings her eyes back to her two companions, she realizes they won't waver until she parts with the story. "Let's just say my uncle taught me a thing or two about pressure points, and that knowledge came in handy a couple nights ago." Aella refrains from giving out the full transcript of what really transpired despite Dazzler's request. She doesn't like bragging about such things. Even if Rex's mortified expression did bring her considerable satisfaction, she still hates the fact that she had to get physical with her peer for her to be respected. Besides, she has an inkling Dazzler's imagination is perfectly operational to fill in the blanks.
"Fuckin' hell, I'm gonna dream about this tonight!" True to his words, there's a childlike wondrous gleam in Dazzler's eyes, making his aversion for Rex almost tangible. And Aella can't help but rejoice in knowing she's not alone in her rancor against the jackass. "So you got him good?"
"Sent him to his knees." Her voice is still leveled, though her own delight at the memory is betrayed at the corner of her lips.
"Oh Aella, you are my new favorite person!" Dazzler's jubilation earns him a smile but the sentiment is quickly washed off her face and replaced by a heavy sigh.
"Yeah well, I wish your mate Harry shared the feeling." Aella says dejectedly, the peas once again holding more interest to her battered brain.
"Ah...so it's not all rainbows and unicorns between you two then?"
The question makes her scoff in exasperation."Try like...tornados and trolls. I mean, does the guy even know how to smile?" Aella doesn't want to get worked up about it, but the fact that she has likely 5 more weeks to spend as Harry's partner is quite a hard pill to swallow if he proves to be the prick she thinks he is.
"Hey now come on, he's been trough a lot recently. He's actually a pretty sound guy." The remark sobers Aella's anger for a moment as she remembers the very reason behind her presence at Top Gun. She knows how loss can shatter parts of the soul that makes us who we are, leaving only but time to glue back the pieces. To some extent she understands the void that Harry must be aching to fill, but her compassion for his pain is short lived. Grieve doesn't give anyone the right to act like a senseless prick. Aella can deal with his sullen attitude but in no way she'll ever put up with blatant disrespect for her mere identity.
"Well, sorry if I don't take your word for it, but all I've seen from him is the same cold and sexist shit I've dealt with since I enlisted." She says, moving on from absentmindedly poking the peas to forcefully stabbing them into a green mess.
"Hang on, Harry may have a stick up his arse from time to time, but sexist? That doesn't sound like him." Dazzler is quick to defend his friend. Of course, she interiorly sighs though she has to admit his disbelief over Harry's allegedly misogynistic behavior seems rather earnest.
"Well, you didn't hear him yesterday. Or seen the look in his eyes."
"Aella, I really thi-"
"Just forget it, okay. I'm use to it and I'll deal with it like I always have." While Dazzler seems to be adamant about his friend's righteousness, Aella doesn't want to here much of it. She just wants to move on, like she'd planned all along. The two men across from her exchange a quick look at her rebuttal and it hits them then, how different it is for Aella to be a navy pilot compared to their own journey. "Besides, I didn't come here to complain. I came to be a better pilot" she asserts in response to their sympathetic glance. It resembled pity too much for her to lay in it.
"Right." Is all Dazzler can muster as opposed to his partner who finally decides to speak up.
"I'm sorry you have to go through that Aella." In truth, she's never really cared for those apologies much since they most never come from the people who actually have apologizing to do. Nonetheless she can't deny how heartwarming it is to hear the sweetness and sincerity of both young men sharing their lunch with her. They can't do much about her situation but at least she now feels supported.
"Thank you Tigger." She replies in genuine gratitude, her smile shyly returning. "At least I have you both on my side."
"You've got Harry too, Aella. You don't know it yet, and he may not either, but he's on your side too." His gaze is heavy on her, the statement coming out in a solemn tone as if it was murmured by a prophesier.
"Don't hold your breath Daz."
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DAY 6
"Ready?"
Although she knows they were bound to communicate at some point, Aella is startled when the sound of Harry's filtered voice echoes through her headset. After checking that her straps are tightly locked, she mutters a faint 'yeah' in response and wills her brain to stop overthinking the upcoming mission. It is to no avail though. The oxygen inflating her lungs is saturated with awkwardness and reticence, making her second-guess every choice she's made in the past few months. They can still make it, right? This tension didn't stop them from succeeding the last time after all... Alas, her mind won't let be duped by her feeble encouragements and for the first time in her life, Aella is dreading flying. She doesn't have the time to dwell on it however, as the roar of the F-14's afterburners fills the cockpit and before she knows it, the sky is welcoming them back.
"Alright, let's kick the tires and light the fires." Harry murmurs as the runway keeps dwindling away from their vision, and Aella remembers him whispering the same line before their first venture. She makes no comment though, many pilots come up with little habits and small routines of their own to help them reach the headspace suited for flying. Some disregard it as superstitious gibberish, but in Aella's opinion it can save precious seconds in dire moments. And in the Navy worlds, every second counts.
As Commander Berks laid it out moments ago, this assignment slightly differs from the last one. The level of difficulty is tuned up a bit by the accrued competition: this time all 8 units are flying simultaneously as they battle for a single target towed by Berks himself. The task in meant to improve both aim and awareness as they are still being chased by the other instructors throughout the task. All in all though, it is the same 'target without getting targeted' acrobatics they are all familiar with.
"I've got my eyes on the target, can you read the positions please?" Harry suddenly inquires. The mission has run smoothly so far with few interactions between the two. It seems that's about to change however, as they get in the thick of it.
"Target at reach in 3 miles abeam, 5° on your left, lower, flying South." Aella starts reading her radar at her copilot's request. "Bogey one mile ahead at your ten. I think it's Rex, tailing target at 900 knots closure."
"Shit." Harry curses. Though Aella remains quiet, none of them are thrilled to realize Rex and his radar intercept officer Kurt (or the Zodiac as per his callsign) are ahead of the game.
"You've also got contact 2 miles behind, flying your speed." Aella adds in a poised manner. "Hold on, there's two of them."
"Are they closing in on us?"
"No. Looks like someone's got Rogers on their ass."
Harry briefly smiles. "Good." Whoever might that be, it means one less competitor trying for the target and one less instructor on their case for the time being. That's a win-win in his book.
"Careful though. He might turn on us next." She warns in anticipation.
"Not if I win this mission first." Harry retorts in confidence. His partner wishes she had the same optimism but there is an odd feeling festering in the pit of her stomach.
For a hot minute, there is but the consistent whirring of the engine disturbing the otherwise eery silence permeating the air. Harry seems to be slowly yet surely catching up on Rex and more importantly Berks, when the latter suddenly swerves upwards in unexpected fashion.
"Berks' barrel-rolling." Aella immediately calls the change in movement, the peaceful flow they were reveling in, already coming to an end. "New angle, 2 o'clock high." Harry slightly reduces his speed as Berks executes a vertical U-turn, effectively putting him out of Rex's range and at a higher altitude.
"I see that. I need to get ahead of Rex, can you call the speeds please?" He's trying to determine his best course of action in order to recover his advance on Berks before his opponent does.
"Target going 700 knots, Rex 630 and we're flying 650." Aella answers quickly although she has a plan forming in her brain as always. She's not as forceful as she was during their first operation, already apprehensive of her partner's reaction. "Listen Harry, if you do a J-turn you'll overshoot past Rex right on Berks' tail."
Admittedly her plan is once again on the daring side of the spectrum, so part of her knows Harry won't gleefully jump on board at the mere suggestion. And sure enough he proves her right as soon as the last word is out of her lips.
"Do a Herbst maneuver?! Are you batshit crazy?! That's not even in the program."
She refrains from rolling eyes since they ought to be scanning the data on her flight system at all times. "Fuck the program, you don't end up at Top Gun playing by the book. We can win this mission now, just trust me." She almost cringes at the last words, knowing they were uttered more for the form than their meaning. God knows they are lightyears from trusting each other.
"Jesus, this isn't free-style flying Aella for fuck's sake, this is air-combat." Harry doesn't care that he's letting all his frustration out. Knows he shouldn't be having 'land-talk' whilst they're up in the air on a mission (there will be plenty of time to tell her off once they've landed) but his mind is completely overladen.
"That's right, and you're fighting like a 6 year-old girl. Stop pulling hair and grow up!" Whoever said 'don't fight fire with fire' was obviously never launched at supersonic speed in 25 tons of steel with a person they despise a great deal. Reason seems to have been forgotten on the tarmac by both acolytes as they keep arguing ten-thousand feet above grounds.
"You're delusional, have you even ever done one?!"
"I'll guide you through it, trust m-"
"No! No fucking way, it's too dangerous." His tone is adamant, once again leaving Aella no room for discussion. She hates that he has the final word when it comes to flying, but alas he's the one in control of the aircraft.
"Urgh!" She cries out in irritation before mumbling under her breath "fucking coward."
Harry tries to ignore the silent dig taken at his expense as he focuses back on the problem at hand. His jaw is clenching so hard underneath the helmet, he can almost hear the sound of his teeth grinding. He is in the middle of regulating his breathing when Aella speaks up again bringing his heartbeat back into tizzy.
"Great, now we got Rogers on our case. Congrats."
"Fuck." He doesn't even register her passive-aggressive jab, more so preoccupied with the new threat charging after them.
She'd been right. She knew Rogers would be coming for them next if they didn't change tactics. Now all she can do is calling positions and silently cursing the stars for putting her on Harry's path. "800 knots closure, he's coming at your six."
"I'm well aware Aella, thanks." His voice overpowering the loud beeping noise echoing through the cockpit. They're about to be figuratively shot but not so figuratively eliminated from the competition, as Rogers is one second away from locking in on them and firing.
"He's not budging, you need to bug the fuck out." She discloses her input even though she feels like no matter what she suggests, he's gonna opt the other way.
"Like hell! The target's not bugging out." Harry quips back, once again confirming her assumption.
"You won't get the goddamn target if you're down." In a different world - and let's face it, in a different life - she might applaud his resilience, but in this universe she loathes his stubbornness, especially since she's the one enduring its wrath.
"Fucking hell, just call the bloody positions. I can't let Rex win this mission." Or any other for that matter, is what he thinks. A sentiment that, any other day, Aella would reciprocate but she's given up for the day. If he doesn't want her opinion, fine. Let him get shot, that'll teach him.
"I told you, he's in the fucking saddle, at your six. Closing on 800 knots. 850. 900."
She knows it before she hear it then: another ear-splitting beeping erupts within the cabin, dramatically informing Harry of their defeat. Rogers took the shot, it was over.
"Dammit!"
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As soon as Aella steps back on solid grounds, she's overcome with a lingering sense of déjà-vu. The horizon incessantly spiraling in her vision surely doesn't help quell the dreadful sensation, though she doesn't dwell much on her lack of visual focus. No, her mind is completely consumed by the urge to rip Harry a new one. And she doesn't usually indulge in those urges. Seldom lets her resentment out in the open, for fear of appearing too "emotional" for some people's taste; and because quite frankly, she has better things to do. But this is killing her from the inside. Cutting right into the flesh of her dreams and strangling the part of herself that only bows to freedom. This is the other half of her unit dismissing her talent on the basis of her gender. And that she can't take in, much less bottle up and store away in a sealed chest at the bottom of her mind.
"For fuck sake Harry, you're supposed to be my partner!" Aella cries out to him.
He doesn't want to make a scene any more than she does, but likewise has tremendous difficulty keeping his rage all in. As Aella chases after him, he keeps stomping away from their shared TomCat. He doesn't think he's capable of facing her without loosing his shit. "That's a two way street Aella, and I don't reckon flying us both to the grave is part of 'the partner's' job description." The air quotes he uses at the mention of the word partner does nothing to assuage Aella's already blazing fury. She thinks he couldn't be more obnoxious in that moment if he tried.
"That's because you don't listen to me!"
"Damn right I don't!" He shouts back while spinning around to finally face her. "And you can thank me for still being alive because of it." Aella feels like she might implode like a pressure cooker forgotten on the fire. The audacity...the insolence... Each word he breathes out is wracking one by one every single nerve ending of hers. He's so full of himself, she wonders how she could fit in the cockpit without his human-size ego crushing her. She might have joked about having to find a 3-seats Tomcat for their next mission to fit them all, if the situation weren't so seriously heart-rending for her.
"You. Are. Such an asshole! Why am I even here? Huh! Why am I even sitting in that fucking aircraft with you?" She's about a wit away from yielding to the pressure boiling in her chest; still Harry is relentless in his comebacks too.
"Funny, I was wondering the same thing." He knows he's being harsh but his mind won't give in. Won't let him cut out a fragment of trust to share with her rule-breaking mentality. Not after what happened with Fox.
"You're despicable. I can't believe I actually hoped you'd be a decent guy. But god no! Mr Styles is too precious to be paired with a woman, so why should he give her the time of day? And why did he have to be partnered with a lady in the first place, yeah? All they can do is sit pretty or unleash their crazy, imma right?" She realizes how close she's gotten to him during her diatribe and has half the mind to push at his chest but somehow she doubts it would make him budge much. Once again she finds herself inches away from his stiff stature, as she fervently tells him off. "Dammit, you're just like the others, it makes me sick."
That's the final stroke for Harry. She can deem him as stuck-up as she pleases but he won't have her repeatedly question his integrity. "I don't fucking care that you're a woman, alright! Christ, you care about it more than I do!" Admittedly, he's had a couple sneak-peaks at her mistreatment and while he sure does feel for her struggle, sometimes she's too in her head about it to see good from bad. And he's tired of being at the wrong end of it.
"What's that supposed to mean?" She questions half-offended and half confused, as she can't fathom any sense to the statement.
"It means, I know some guys don't treat you right because you're a woman; but I never did, and I'm sick of you accusing me of it anyway." His eyes are sharp when they connect with hers, compelling and brutally honest, yet they send a chill down to her toes. "But you know what? The world is unfair. Tough love, darling. You have to prove yourself more than us but think for a minute who's against you and who's on your side, because it seems to me that you waste a lot of energy fighting the wrong persons." He's the one who delivered the words, yet Aella is the one out of breath. For a hard second, all she does is frown as a dizzying silence takes over the heated exchange. Their staring hasn't relented, in fact Harry's eyes are agitatedly seeking question-less answers in hers in a mirrored frown.
When Aella finally speaks up, her voice is hardly louder than a whisper and that's how she knows she has Harry's full attention. "You don't know the first thing about being a woman." She notices him gulping as if preparing for the sobering speech he knows is coming, so she indulges. "You don't know what it is to live in a men's world and not be man. You don't know how it feels to be stationed at the same base for months and still be treated like a stranger. You don't know how it feels to work twice as hard if not more, to get one iota of the same recognition men do. You don't know what it is to be picked last by your superior for any given promotion even though you know you've got the best stats of the whole squadron." Though she's kept a reasonable volume, she pauses to regain her countenance over the ever-growing pain in her voice. "And you sure as hell don't know what it is to be your only ally."
Her harpooned gaze never unhooked from its two emerald preys, and for once Aella feels like he's listening. So on she goes. "Today, up there, I had more balls than you did. Tough love, you said? Well same goes for you, Harry. Because no matter what, you're stuck with me. I'm your copilot and you may hate it but you can't do anything about it. So, please do yourself a favor and grow a pair when you need to, because I sure can't "prove myself" if I'm flying with a coward."
Aella is quite satisfied with her tirade, almost certain she's had the last word once again but one look at Harry's face is enough to make her doubt that. Though he's been towering over her smaller frame for a bit, he looks downright threatening now with flaring nostrils and figurative smoke steaming out of his ears.
"You don't know what you're talking about either. You fly as recklessly as your arrogance will let you. That's dangerous, thoughtless and most of all, selfish." She's starting to recoil, having taken one step backward, but Harry barely registers her uneasiness. She's the one gulping the wounding words now. "I should be ashamed of flying with you and your crazy decisions." Ouch "Oh and one more thing. Don't you dare call me a coward ever again, understood?"
She doesn't give him the satisfaction of a nod but his spiteful prose successfully rendered her speechless. And Aella is not one to relinquish her self-assurance or fold under any man's intimidating number. But somehow this feels different. Harry is not a halfwit who can't handle women's ascent into the Navy world. No, Harry just plainly hates her guts, regardless of her sex. And that hurts more than she'd ever expect to. So much so, she can't bear to look at his chiseled features anymore and recoils a step further away from his hurtful disposition.
It's only then, Harry finally picks up on her shrinking form and bruised spirit. He didn't want to go this far. Didn't intend on carving her confidence right out of her chest, but now that he sees the anguish embedded in her delicate traits, he fears he might get sick on the spot. He's had the most strenuous past few months, staggering from loss and numbness to longing and grief, but this had to top all pains: he didn't know who he was anymore. When had he turned into such a inconsiderate prick? Self-loathing took over his sense, the feeling unwelcome yet familiar, and all Harry could do was turn around and run away from the crime scene.
And run away from Aella.
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warningimmental · 4 years ago
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You made your choice. It's not to be a mother so....... Congratulations you're free!!!. Your Wish came true.
Yes this is public so people can see.#TRUTH
***See below as im not repeating again and again.***
My side of life.
P.s
Yeah I'll be fine. I always am in the end.
( Heres what needs to be said and has been said so not to repeat myself. From in PMs )
Sad thing is she knows ill forgive her just like I forgave dad and EVERYONE and EVERYTHING else. I care so no one else has to. I'm the one who picked up the pieces of everything but was tormented daily. She wonders why I was the way I was it was due to parenting and fobbing me off to anyone who would take me.
Anne and Bob should of kept me. They couldn't have kids they could of had me though. (neighbours I adopted as grandparents no blood but love ) My father was a shit most of my life my mother was everyones mother bar mine. They kept me quite with gadgets and as long as I went to school fed and watered job done.
Favourite quote was "it's your fault" and dads was "your making me ill"
Christ for someone who knows everyone elses business she never saw what was happening to her own daughter.
29 years im done. Sick of being a leighton.
I said Stockholm syndrome I loved my captives just happened to be the people I called mum and dad....
I still love them both but what I was "known as normal" was not remotely normal.
Eg. I was appendicitis and born 8 months in mum had no clue and I was "hiding" behind her ribs. It's medically impossible.
Not to mention lived in New York every other year from age of 6 months till I was 13. Dad would take me over and over and over mum came ONCE for my 13th.
I have no memories of New York. It's kind of a huge thing and place to have been wiped out of a memory.
Now im clear-minded im having pseudoseizures because my subconscious doesn't want me to remember what happened.
What mother would let a new born or toddler a child that can't speak fly to the other side of the world to only be with men. My dad and my fucked up uncle who sends stuff to "favourite" niece
I've tried so hard to get better and it's not even my family who acknowledged it.
There's so much you don't know.
She used to have me go in the house before her in case dad had killed himself so id find him first from the ages of 7 onwards. When dad past I went behind the curtain first. So I kept the is see him first. On 29th April 2018
I was always on eggshells she would say people die of lack of breath so EVERY NIGHT id check on mum and dad every hour. She would hold her breath to screw with me. Then say im not dead go to bed.
The house was toxic. For once in my life im actually sane.
She is not who you think she is.
If I've lost my mind it's because my environment sucked. I'm finally out. Sober can think clear and don't harm because I don't have to deal with the toxicity that I dealt with ALL my life.
If I told you everything you wouldn't believe me. Which is fine know one does because but it's true.
Always ask why or what causes someone to go off the rails and self destruct. I never felt safe, I was always told I was a mistake and everything was my fault. As long as I kept the family secrets mum was happy.
Dad was toxic. Mum the same. She wants drama so I finally said enough.
When I say mum knows everything I mean she saw it all and NEVER had it stop or put me safe. I can finally talk now dad is gone. I could write every TRUTH down and write a book. People would wonder how the hell did this girl cope and live to tell. I lived because I care about everything and everyone else. But im done now.
I doubt you'd believe me if im honest. My inbox is full of people defending her and my dad. If only they knew. its been a long time coming but im finally speaking out.
I know people don't understand but I don't want to burden with it. If You like my mum and dad id rather I let you keep the illusion. I know it's out there now that's enough.
If you want to see my life keep reading otherwise STOP HERE.
I'm fine and im safe finally. I just needed more as a child than fear of what should of been my safe place a home.
I don't want us to be strangers to the people who read this and thin sarahs lost it.
I don't want to cause a riff, I just couldn't not say it finally. Mum says always go to counselling but I couldn't. I couldn't tell anyone the truth about dad or mum. Or the truth on why I had to have a very intrusive operation due to assault by 3 at Halloween party. Mum now knows that. Dad was arrested for hitting the wrong lad. Dad and mum would have gone down for murder if I spoke out.
On the other hand there was also my home life in general. I was made to stay quiet about having a revolving door of strangers. Huge boozy parties after a night out. Mum and me being treat like muck on a shoe.
A abusive uncle who would have me and my cusion be "kissing cusions" .Every night when I was 15 to 26 I drank took sleeping pills and hid away in my room self destructive harm anything so not to deal.
I look like wolferrines attacked me because of the arguments or threats. Mum couldnt leave the house quick enough. I gave up on a career to care for my dad but I was always looked down on.
****** golden girl. left was I was guilt tripped saying "your still dads girl you won't leave me" while dad would cry. Every night.
Mum swears I was an appendicitis 8 months in term. I'd be handed to anyone and everyone. Every year or every other from birth id end up in america. Mum would say her holidays where when me and dad would leave. From 6 months old id always go back and forth to New York. I couldnt talk yet "apparently" begged to go with dad.
Mum would say after blazing rows im leaving.
Then just walk out the door. I was left with a highly angry father and confused were mum had gone and if she would come back for me. I'd stay up all night waiting. I'd hide crying and scream in a pillow so not to be to loud so dad didn't shout.
I was told my face doesn't fit. My nick name was ferret face or panda. I would hurt my self so not to hurt others. I wanted and trained to be a counsellor so one to understand what I did wrong and two and most importantly to be there for the people who needed support.
I went to rehab to be identified when found so my parents wouldn't have to. If it wasn't for craig I doubt if be here.
Craig saved my life. Mum has always put others before me or ignored it so it didn't exist.
Important in here (ears) none important (over your head)
I was terrified everyday of my life. I loved and do love my parents it's just I can't stay quite any longer.
Money or game consoles chocolate sweets where hush money. Dad would buy crates of spirits and beer and supple my / his pills so I was always foggy minded.
I'm finally sober clean and harm free my mind is the most composed it ever been.
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Mum is a star and has a heart of gold to others but from age 7 onwards everyone else came first.
I pride my self on protecting, comforting trying to be there and support everyone, hell even risked my life enough times to save some. because I never had it. No one to fight for me protect me.
I wanted parents love encouragement happy I archived or even tried. But it never came.
Even my graduation was ruined.
I wasn't allowed to get a job they made me be sick and have PTSD mum still to this day loves to make me jump. I have terrifying nightmares.
I'd hear conversations no child should hear because they either didn't notice I was there or care. When ***** killed him self when *** did when dad tried and I was left with a random man being told "your dads took to many sweets"
The same man who later tried it on with me sending dirty pictures or dads other "mates" who would try there luck. I gained a shit ton of weight 21 stone so NO guy would come near me because the strangers who would come to the house used to try and feel me up or perv if door was unlocked as I was a kid.
She saw everything but wouldn't believe it. Or me. I phone our ***** one night years ago because she said I could and she yelled at me because she had work. I was silently screaming for help.
It was only at dads funeral she saw and realised and was so genuinely sorry for not believing me the night I phoned.
I wish every single thing I've said and keep telling was a lie but it's not it's 25/26 years of fear.
I'm 29 now. For the first time in my life im not on eggshells. I have a safe home. I can lock the door and not fear.
I wish these were lies I swear!!!!! I do but there not.
Yet NO ONE will even consider it's the TRUTH.
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canid-slashclaw · 5 years ago
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The Outliers - A Guild Wars Love Story
Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9,  Chapters 10 and 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16 , Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20
Chapter 21
I was laying on the ground, helpless, with multiple stab wounds, several broken ribs, herniated disks in my lower back and a crushed foot. How I survived for as long as I did, I do not know. But I do know that my life was saved that day thanks to a family of humans.
They were a family of simple farmers who moonlighted as pallbearers for those who had fallen in battle. It was a father and son who first saw me. When they got to my unconscious body, they had assumed I had joined the rest in the Mists as well.
I could just barely make out the voice when the father, Eric, began poking and prodding me.
"Holy moley, dad. That's a big charr. Damn beast must'a put up a fight."
To their misfortune, my breath was still hot. "Wait a minute, son. That thing is still drawin' breath."
The father and son took me into their barn and made a makeshift bed for me to lie in. At the time I was still too out of it to even know where I was. I regained consciousness within a few days. When I did, let's just say my first interactions with them were less than hospitable.
"Hey, dad. Yuh think we can be sure those bonds are tight enough? I mean that thing looks awfully big and strong."
"Son. Our farm is on the verge of being foreclosed on. The Ebonguard will pay us a pretty penny for handing it over to them alive, especially considering its a legion officer."
"How can ya be so sure, dad?"
"Lookit the armor. Only charr officers wear that type. His intact hide will be worth a fair amount of gold."
I was finally coming around.
"Wh... where am I?"
"Humans? Bah! What's happening? Garr! My arms! Unbind me now!"
Heh. I am certain my bestial groans were more than enough to wet both their pants.
"Y... you talk?"
"Come closer and I'll tell you what I really want to say, human."
"Don't get close to him, son. He'll likely bite your face off."
I actually planned on going for the boy's skinny throat, but decided against it. The pain of a severely damaged foot persuaded me otherwise.
"We are only trying to help you, charr. If you behave nicely, we will provide your basic needs." The boy's father tried to reassure me.
"Nice is something my people aren't very good at. But killing mice like you is an entirely different matter altogether. Gah!"
My wounds were more extensive than I realized. Thus, there was little I could do but rely on their mercy even if their intentions were far from altruistic.
It was on the following day that I first saw her. She was the father's only daughter who looked to be no more than nineteen years old. Yes. I've studied humans long enough to pretty accurately tell how old they are.
Her features were delicate for a farmer's daughter. Her long, auburn hair hung past her thin waistline and her eyes were the softest blue I've ever seen in a human. In spite of her youth, she did have a mate at one time - a 'husband' humans like to call them - who had apparently been killed in a recent battle.
For the first week, she did not speak to me. However, she was responsible for changing my bedding and leaving meals for me to eat. One particular morning, I was stubbornly refusing to consume much of anything.
She stepped over me trying to coax me into nibbling on some puréed meat.
You've gotta eat something. It's been four days and you haven't touched anything we have given you." Her voiced sounded eerily soothing to me.
"Perhaps I am trying to starve myself to death. Get that crap away from me you little squeeker!" "Look. Keeping you alive is in our family's best financial interest. If you wish to be a pill and not help pay off our mortgage then I'll just have to find another way of getting you fed."
That girl poked me in a region that made even a hardened veteran like myself cringe with embarrassment. She reminded me that what went out could also go in.
"You wouldn't dare, human. Would you?"
"The hoses from the milking machine can easily be repurposed. Get my drift, furball?"
Against my pride, I acquiesced to her demands. Even though the food tasted like crap it did keep me nourished.
A month later, I was still laid up in the barn. Yet she was always there tending to my wounds and making sure my bedding was comfortable. It was during that time when she and I began conversing on more friendly terms. She told me of her husband's death as well as the pain of the loss she felt. I told her about our cubs and the two we had lost.
"So your people do not have marriages?"
"Not in the manner you humans do. Our people can commit to monogamous lifelong relationships, but such things are very uncommon."
"Do you love your mate?'
That was one question I could not honestly answer. Not that it would offend you at all, Siri.
"Briefly. But let's drop that subject, shall we?"
The girl knew she had hit a sore spot.
"I'm sorry to offend you, even if you are supposed to be nothing more than a vicious beast. At least that's what I've been taught to think of your people."
"There's more to my people than you can possibly understand, mouse. Bah! You're just a naive cub, anyway. Begone with you! I need some sleep."
In spite of my brusque demeanor, she seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me as a thinking, feeling creature.
"All this time, you never told me your name. Come to think of it, I never told you mine either. I'm Karla. Karla Longfield, what's yours?"
Reluctantly, I answered. "Crushblow... Centurion Ludrick Crushblow - Blood Legion. There now... satisfied?"
Every three days, she would replace my bindings with fresh gauze. The girl's patience with me was astounding considering how much of a hard time I had given her.
"Gah! That hurts! What are you trying to do to me, human? Torture me for information?"
"Well, if you held still while I debris those wounds, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad."
"You are just finding a legitimate excuse to torture an enemy combatant."
"Don't tempt me, charr. In fact, the next time I hear you complain, I'm going to shave the entire area around your wounds, bald! Got it?"
I growled and snarled at her and even tried to haphazardly lunge bite her, but she didn't seem to take me seriously. In fact, she gave me a hard yank on the tail. Strangely, that wound up hurting more than anything else.
The following week, some of my strength was beginning to return. However, my knee, my back and my right foot never completely healed properly, so I wound up relying on crutches to move around. Through it all, Karla was there helping me to build up the strength in my legs so I could eventually get around on my own without assistance.
Slowly, my condition started to improve. However, my progress was sidelined when I contracted a foul stomach ailment. For the next four days, just about everything I consumed exited though my other end roughly five hours after eating. When Karla found me the next morning, I was practically swimming in my own shit, but too weak to be able to cleanse myself.
"What in Lyssa's name?? My gods, that stench!"
"I'll bet you think this is funny. Just get me a bucket of some damn water, woman, so I can get myself clean."
"You can't do much of anything in your present condition."
She was right. The moment I tried to move, my guts felt like they were on fire. I was at her mercy whether I liked it or not.
Karla doused me with several buckets of cold water then began wiping down my fur with fresh linens. She paid special attention to my open sores making sure that any remaining fecal material had been cleaned out. Once she had cleaned and dried my fur, she began massaging my legs stating that it was to help with the circulation. Yet this time, there was something different in the way she massaged me, something even I felt but couldn't explain at the time.
"Karla. Why do you go out of your way to do all this for me? Tell me the real reason." That strange feeling inside of me began to grow.
"I... I don't know. It's for the money, okay? My family's farm needs the bounty from you in order for us to remain here. I've told you this before."
"I may not know human nuances or expressions that well, but even I know that you aren't telling me the whole truth. Please, tell me."
That was the first time that I can recall ever asking her 'please'.
"My father informed me a couple of days ago that he had contacted the Ebonguard. Instead of taking you prisoner outright, they decided to do a prisoner exchange with some legionnaires. Ten of our soldiers will be freed in exchange for you. This is scheduled to happen in the next three days. That is my other secret... satisfied now?"
I nodded but wasn't satisfied. She was still holding something back.
The following day was when it happened. She came into the barn with the intent of redressing my wounds and giving me my weekly cleansing. But when she entered, something about her scent smelled different. It smelt intoxicating and even erotic. I couldn't help but stare at her as the shafts of sunlight caused her long dress to turn translucent.
When I saw her small, curved form beneath those burlap garments, my body became aroused. As embarrassed I was to admit it at the time, I wanted to mate with that human.
"Okay, big fella. Time for a bath."
"No!" I shirked at the request fearing she would see my embarrassment.
I don't take no for an answer you stubborn furball! Let me get you out of those rags so I can bathe that matted fur of yours."
"Karla... please." She began peeling away my garments then worked her way towards removing my old dressings. The only thing I had left on me was a loincloth. I resisted her motion to have it removed. She, on the other hand, was undeterred.
"I need to clean you up everywhere. It's not like I haven't seen your sheathe before."
"Why are you looking at me that way?" Her gaze locked onto mine. She was - I could not believe the words that were coming to my head - beautiful. I wanted her, greatly.
"Oh. Ludrick."
My embarrassment was out. When she saw it she, at first, began massaging my inner thighs before finally working up the courage to touch that part of me that was the cause of my shame and delight.
"I never knew..." She grabbed hold of me even though it must have been painful in doing so due to my spines.
"Karla! Don't! It's not natural for you and me to do this."
"You and me. Yes. You know it to be true. You want it as much as I do! I want you!"
She pulled off her dress revealing her naked form. I had no time to react before she was upon me. My engorged member slid deeply into her canal as she winced in a crescendo of emotions.
"Ohhh. Gods!"
She moaned in sensuous pleasure and pain all at once. I knew my spines were tearing into her but my will had already given in to the desires of the flesh.
"I don't want to hurt you, Karla. My shaft was not meant for one such as you." I wrestled with the guilt that my anatomy was hurting her. Yet, she seemed to ignore the pain and focus only on the desire.
"I love you, Ludrick! I want to love you, as a woman should. Gaaahh!"
I released my fluid then waited for my member to subside before withdrawing from her. Her region was bloody from either our coupling or her monthly cycle. Which one it was, I could not tell. Perhaps it was a combination of both.
However, I swore that night that I would never hurt her in that manner again. Thus, I filed down my spines so that she would only experience pleasure from me. That is why I could never bear cubs. Once my ability to stimulate female ovulation was blunted, I had effectively become sterile.
Karla and I mated several more times that night and the following day. The only difference was I no longer was burdened with the guilt of my anatomy causing her pain. But in spite of my efforts, the greatest pain of all still remained.
"They are here to take you back, Ludrick. The soldiers will be here in the next ten minutes. I wish you didn't have to..."
"Karla... I know how you feel. I truly wish we could share our moments together longer. But a relationship such as ours would only bring pain and death if anyone were to find out about what we had between us."
She gave me what humans call a kiss on my muzzle. She also tried coaxing me into sticking my tongue into her mouth. I refused to do it as doing so might have caused her more discomfort. But the truth of the matter is, I very much wanted to do such.
"There is something I want you to have, Karla." I took one of my war medals then broke it in two, handing her one half while I kept the other.
"Keep this close to your heart and remember me. I will always wear my half close to mine. I will never forget you, Karla."
The father and son entered then helped me up. As I was heading from the barn and towards my future captors, Karla ran up to me and whispered in a voice so soft that only a charr could possibly hear.
"I will always love you, Ludrick Crushblow."
Those were the last words and the last time I ever saw her.
***
You see, Siri, inter-species love has happened before. I am living proof of that fact.
His former mate looked at him with a stare that could only be described as cathartic.
"The only living proof I see is that I am truly surrounded by a bunch of perverted sickos. Like sire; like cub, I suppose. Why should that not surprise me? And to think I was stupid enough allow you to screw me all those years," Siri said in her characteristic deadpan tone.
"You are the only soul I have ever revealed this to. Do what you will with the information, Siri. The winds of change are blowing and soon they will become a gale that even you must eventually come to terms with."
"The only things I'm coming to terms with is that if any of this gets out, I'm ruined."
"Go ahead and try to kill us, then. I promise you a fight the likes of which would make you wish you had never even been born." Ludrick quietly raged.
"I cannot kill that which is already dead. All of you are dead to me! This conversation never happened. In fact, this whole night never happened. I am done here!"
"Then you will not bring harm to the human, Kaleb?"
Siri scowled at him as she headed towards the door. "Didn't you comprehend me the first time? When I said all, I meant all! That little runt is free to defile herself with that mouse all she wants. I'm done wasting my time with any of you. Goodbye!"
Within moments, Siri Blastfuze bounded out the door and into the night without ever turning to look back. Ludrick felt a sense of relief that he had not felt in twenty years. He knew that Siri would no longer pose a threat to his beloved daughter or Kaleb.
Amalthia. You and Kaleb deserve the chance that Karla and I were never given.
(All chapters have been posted to AO3. Chapter 21 is posted here.)
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rorywinslowpatch · 4 years ago
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My Story of COVID-19
We all have difficult days, weeks, months, even years. Keeping it simple, I can say my family and I had our fair share of hardships in 2019. My husband and I went into 2020 with hope that it could only go up from here. January and February were off to a good start. I was happy with my job and all the opportunities it was presenting to me. Life was finally going our way.
In early March, I was invited to attend a client event in Vail, Colorado. During this time, COVID-19 was a concern but there had only been a handful of cases confirmed in the United States. I had just returned from a conference in Miami, shaking hands with people from all around the world and thought, “If I didn’t get it there, I should feel safe going on this trip”. So, I went. I met some of the most genuine and intelligent people I’ve ever come across. Walking away from that event I knew I had friends I could call when I visited Philadelphia, DC, California, Florida, New York, even Brazil. It was truly the trip of a lifetime and I’ll always be thankful for such an incredible opportunity.
The week of March 9th. I had returned from Vail that Sunday and was back in the office on Monday. I was still exhausted from the amazing long weekend, sharing stories with my manager who had also attended the trip. It was about 4:00pm when I felt ‘off’. I remember explaining to my manager that I felt weird and my throat was sore when I had woken up and continued throughout the day. I asked if she minded if I left early to get some rest and come back ready to tackle it on Tuesday. Tuesday morning came and I still had this strange sore throat, it’s hard to explain, but I didn’t recognize this pain. I started to self-diagnose myself thinking…maybe its strep, allergies, weather change? I looked in my throat and saw some white spots so figured it was some sort of infection. I took a sick day and went over to Urgent Care. Reminder, COVID-19 had not hit the United States as hard as it had internationally. I walked in and felt immediately uncomfortable. It was packed and every single person was wearing a mask. I walked up to sign in and immediately took note to everything I touched – the counter, the pen, the paper work. After I was signed in the nurse let me know it would be about 2 hours, she wasn’t wrong. I struggled to find a spot to sit while keeping a fair distance from the other coughing patients. As I sat there I remember listing out the COVID-19 symptoms in my head to make myself feel safe – fever (nope), cough (not really), shortness of breath (nope), nausea (maybe it was a very long hangover from the trip?). I even got joking texts from my coworkers – “make sure you don’t have the rona”. As my mind spun out of control, I finally heard my name called. We do a strep test, negative. We then do a strep culture (I guess it’s more accurate), negative. The doctor said I definitely have Tonsilitis which is an infection in your throat from a virus, can be any virus. I asked the doctor if he thinks it could be the COVID-19 virus. His response, “No, because you haven’t left the United States”. Feww, I felt a sense of relief. He prescribed some antibiotics and I was on my way. On Wednesday I woke up with the same sore throat with an additional symptom, fatigue. I slept from 9pm on Tuesday to 10pm on Wednesday and then 11pm on Wednesday to 7am on Thursday. In the last two days I had slept 33 hours with brief moments to go to the bathroom and drink water. When I woke up on Thursday, I felt rested and my sore throat had gone away so I figured it was some sort of infection I had fought off and was on the mend. I went to work as we had our CRO in town and wanted to at least show my face. We had a happy hour after work for a colleagues work anniversary. As I walked into the bar I was told someone from the Vail trip had tested positive for COVID-19. I remember the gut wrenching feeling and the amount of exhaustion that suddenly flooded my body. I immediately panicked and called my sister in-law crying on the curb outside. She was trying to calm me down and said to just call the Urgent Care back that I had visited a couple days earlier and see if they knew where I could get tested. There, began the downward spiral of searching for information – WHERE COULD SOMEONE POSSIBLY GET TESTED. At the time, we didn’t have the testing resources we have now. Every new number I was given gave me another number to call, which resulted in a lot of frustration and worry as my symptoms got worse. I remember crying to my husband with the panic and unknown of COVID-19. I slowly learned no one had access to the test unless you walked into a select few hospitals in Georgia. I called around and found one that did, Emory Saint Joseph’s Hospital. On Friday, I walked right up to the front desk and said nervously, “I came in contact with someone that tested positive for COVID-19 and I have some of the symptoms.” She immediately told me to back up 3-steps and to wait for my blue suit. I was then asked to sit on a separate side of the waiting room as they moved others farther away from me. You could tell everyone was thinking the same thing. Maybe 2 minutes later they escorted me to a room by myself where the nurse asked me questions through a window – I verbally had to give my social security, insurance, and physical address. I spent the next 6 hours in the room having various tests done. First, they had to test me for the flu to rule it out (negative). They then performed two tests for COVID-19 - one swab in the nose and one in the throat. They then had to x-ray my chest to make sure I wasn’t developing pneumonia. Each time someone came into the room they had a very thorough process: sanitize their hands, put on a new blue suit, 2 layers of gloves, sanitize again, a medical mask, glasses, the plastic face shield. There were roughly 30 minutes in between each test and during that time many nurses would walk by my room labeled with a big red paper and black X, marking it was for a COVID-19 patient. As if, I didn’t feel like an alien already. I will say the doctors and nurses at Emory Saint Joseph’s Hospital made me feel as comfortable as they possibly could and were amazing describing each step of the process. As I left the room the doctor goes, “You’ll get a call in about 3-5 days with the results, but I doubt you test positive”. It was 12 days. During those 12 days of waiting, I found myself gaining more symptoms, which then came more anxiety and fear. I wrote down my symptoms each day in case the doctors needed me to recall anything. I kept all of these in my notepad on my phone, but I’ll save everyone some time and skip the details.
As the days went on more people from the trip were getting positive results. I think the actual ratio ended up being 70% of the people on the trip. During those 12 days, every moment was different. One day you feel worse than the day before and then the next you feel like you’re finally making progress. With those new symptoms, came defeat. It wasn’t until day 5 (after being tested) that my deep chest cough developed. I had some ‘dry cough’ on the first couple days, but nothing like this. It took 3 days to finally get a doctor to prescribe an inhaler without seeing me in person. They also sent over what I call ‘the miracle drug’, Tessalon Perles also known as Benzonatate. It was the tiniest pill I had ever seen. I immediately called my mom (which I was doing probably twice a day at this point) to see what it was. She encouraged me to take them as it would help with the coughing fits. IT WORKED, after 2 days of taking it the fits had subsided and I was slowly starting to have ‘proactive coughs’. Over the next few days I took a combination the ‘miracle drug’, mucinex-D, elderberry syrup, and a liter of water. As the coughing subsided, another symptom returned, fatigue. This wasn’t like the tiredness I was feeling before but more exhaustion. The smallest tasks were completely wiping me out – the dishes, vacuuming, folding laundry, etc.
March 18th. I remember this moment as if it was yesterday. If you aren’t someone that is open to faith, stop here.
I was having one of my defeated days and couldn’t see the light at the end. My husband was out on the porch talking to his mom. I felt the need to clear my head but couldn’t walk more than 10 minutes without having to take a break so I decided to drive around instead. I was driving down one of my favorite roads in Atlanta, bopping my head to the music because I didn’t have the lung capacity to sing along. Realizing why I wasn’t singing, I started to cry. I pulled over in one of the neighborhoods and completely let it out. I was crying, snot everywhere, and of course I couldn’t find those stupid napkins you are supposed to leave in your glovebox. I took a moment to settle my breath and started to talk. At the time, I want to think I knew Who I was speaking to. I had just started to go to church about 8 months ago for the first time in my life. To be fair, I was still skeptic but open to the idea of a higher power. I started rambling in my car at the end of some random person’s driveway. I was saying it all – how scared I was, the unknown, the lack of control, frustration of not having my results, worry of job security, everything came out. Then, all of a sudden, I found myself praying for the first time. I prayed for guidance..support…anything that would give me some sort of relief. I looked at the time and realized I had been talking to myself for over an hour. I started up the car and made my way back to our place. I walked in and my husband asked where I had been but only shared that I had taken a drive to clear my head. The next few days I wasn’t feeling any new symptoms just the constant struggle to breathe normally and exhaustion with simple tasks. Tuesday morning I got the call. It rang and I knew what they were about to tell me. At this point, I was out of the woods and whatever the results were, I had overcome the worst of it. It was positive.
Jump to a few weeks later. Georgia slowly started opening up but we still weren’t back in our offices. I had done some research and heard about how intravascular plasma was saving patients that were severely ill with COVID-19. Atlanta Blood Services was a local platelet donation center that opening their seats to recovered COVID-19 patients to donate their plasma. I immediately signed up and they got me in 2 days later. They had a round of questions and tests they needed to do before I could donate. I sat down with the research technician and they walked me through the questions – how did you get it, date of last symptom, etc. They then tested me again for COVID-19 to make sure I wasn’t still contagious, it came back negative. They then took a sample of blood from my left arm to test for the antibodies, which came back positive. They then guided me to the donation chair and I sat there for about 2 hours. I couldn’t help but watch the tubes take the blood out of my arm, recycle it inside this very noisy machine, push this yellow type liquid into these bags hanging above my chair (the plasma), and then the machine pushes the red blood back into my body. It was truly amazing seeing what medicine was doing to defeat this pandemic. I continue to go back every two weeks to donate my plasma.  
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Now, fully recovered, I look back and am thankful this happened to me. I am thankful I didn’t develop phenomena. I am thankful of the person I found within myself. I am thankful I found my faith when I needed it the most. The world has a funny way of making you realize your purpose on earth. COVID-19 led me to my faith, which allowed me to see what I want my future to be. I wake up every day with a positive attitude, thankful to see what the future has in store for me, striving to have an open mind and heart. I found myself with the wrong priorities before and made it a goal to push myself to find what I love to do every day – at home and at work. I started this story with the idea that 2020 was worse than 2019. I move forward with 2020 with a new outlook and perspective. I couldn’t be more grateful for where this bumpy road has led me. Thank you, for opening my eyes.
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gotatext · 6 years ago
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claws my way out of the dirt like the goblin i am ..... hello thots, its nora, once again bringing you a revamped version of a muse i played yonks ago n some of u may have even written against... here is her pinterest.....
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this is margaret greta, she’s a whole can of trauma spaghetti plastered over with a toothy grin and a lot of dad jokes. the only reason she’s in gifford really is bcos shes been put there as part of a witness protection program cos lots of police r monitoring livingstone so its deemed relatively safe.... haha... anyway she changes major all the time. she started off doing fine art but since then she’s done modules in architecture, film, bio-chemistry and is now dabbling in medicine. 
CIS-FEMALE — ever hear people say GRETA O’DRISCOLL looks a lot like DIANA SILVERS? I think SHE is about 21, so it doesn’t really work. The MEDICINE major is a SOPHOMORE that is from DEADWOOD, SOUTH DAKOTA. They can be +CHARMING, but they can also be -EVASIVE. I think GEE might be SHEEP. They are living in YATES. ( nora. 23. gmt. she/her )
this bitch is the most restless creature u ever seen. before she came to livingstone, she’d lived in 8 different cities in 3 years. 
was adopted as an infant. had two foster moms and two older sisters so always surrounded by women. lived in a boarding house, very much like the one in 20th century women, with lodgers coming in and out all the time, mostly artsy young women because her gay moms were both high school teachers trying to set up their own arts collective. one of her moms left when she was 4, n she doesn’t really remember her.
while living with entirely women made her super into catlin moran and the guilty feminist, as a teenager she often let boys walk all over her bc she just craved male attention jst bcos she’d never really experienced it. saw it as something aspirational, like sitting in the back of chad’s second-hand truck while he drove you to macdonalds and offered you and his five friends with identical haircuts weed was the height of being cool to greta, she wanted to be their dream girl, even if it meant compromising her beliefs
bubbly bitch but also massive snake. metaphorically and literally, always shedding her skin. loyal to few, ruled by none, out for herself, babey!! every place she goes, she becomes a new character, someone who’s a figment of her imagination, as if each city is repertory theatre and she’s a character actress, so as a result som ppl think she’s called rita, some ppl know her as margot, she just flicks through identities like nobodies business.
goes through phases of being intensely feminist and tweeting “men are trash i don’t need them” before flipping into being lonely and needy n wanting male attention again. tends to gravitate towards men who are just pieces of shit tbh like her friends are always like hun.... pick a nice boy..... but no.... she’ll go for the boxer with several arrest records for gbh or the small-town drug dealer just trying to hook her onto pills for a little extra cash, or the reformed sinner who thinks he’s being protective by reading all her texts and always knowing where she is..... n she always finds a way to spin it so that they Just Care About Her and aren’t a p.o.s 
left school at 18 n didn’t go to uni, moved in w her boyfriend of the time instead, but soon got bored, n then went backpacking around the states making money in the casinos by being a shot girl (yeehaw) and trying to make it as a mysterious 1920s widow with a smoky voice, a dark secret n a heart of gold, looking for love in the big city. all she found was producers and acting agents who’d promise her stardom n actually just fuck her in a motel n then ignore her calls.
TW domestic violence, TW gun, her watershed moment came when she met luke in sioux falls while she was playing bass for a country n blues band. he was a few years older and had a car, and they kind of went from seeing each other to being that super intense couple who are just necking all the time. 
they got engaged like 3 months after they met n rented a flat together, much to her family’s annoyance but she was 19 so there wasn’t much they could do. their relationship was super super intense though, often really heightened and when they fought it could become quite violent, but she’d pass it off as just him being really passionate. 
one of their fights got really heated and greta threatened him with the gun he kept in the glove box of his vauxhall corsa, but the safety was off and she accidentally shot him. she pleaded self defence in the trial n cos of the amount of times she’d been hospitalised for various concussions n things like ‘fallling down the stairs’ the police were like yea... pretty watertight evidence that he was a bastard who [chicago voice] had it coming..... also this happened in 2017, he was mixed race and greta is white so naturally the police totally took her side. she’s now under witness protection, rehoused in livingstone as a sports-scholarship student, due to the amount of police involvement in the area, it would mean should one of luke’s family members try to track her down, she’d be relatively safe
 massive sports fanatic. plays tennis. on the cheer team. was a track superstar in her high school. honestly just that sporty bitch, you’ll see her doing lines at a party at half four and then on your way to your 9am lecture you see her running across the park like a fresh fucking daisy who is this bitch
pretty easy to get along with (provided you don’t anger, provoke or question her too much) because she WANTS your character to be enthralled by her and will do whatever it takes to win them over. she wants everyone to love her
is That Girl who always knows where the parties are, and is always there, on the sofa, talking about institutionalised racism and trying to coerce you into a game of beer pong that she’ll definitely win. doesn’t really have one solid group of friends, just kind of on good terms with everyone and social butterflies about
has changed her major so many times. decision? who is she. currently studying medicine, but doesn’t rlly enjoy it. she’s very unmotivated and lazy and probably wouldn’t ahve bothered going to uni if she hadn’t been placed in one by a witness protection program. will probably change on to history or gender studies soon n just make up the extra credits by volunteering
 massive feminist. low key quite scared of powerful men bcos of her ex. wants to start a female only lesbian commune bc she misses her childhood in a south dakota boarding house and has endless support for women. honestly annoyed that she is attracted to men, would so be 100% gay if it was a choice. cuffs her jeans and can’t drive. is That bisexual. skateboards. wears backwards caps.  i hate her
plays bass guitar, has a teal green fender and it is her BABY. it’s covered in stickers about saving the planet and ending fracking and going vegan. she’s in an all-female punk band w agnes (n mayb jade i think) n they play gigs every now n then in grotty club basements full of druggy sweaty college kids
PERSONALITY: easy-going, sociable, observant, blunt, amiable, nihilistic, self-serving, laid back, independent, unmotivated, charming, lazy, impulsive, alluring. ESTP and a leo
LIKES: art, music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy,  cowboy chic culture, DC comics, arcade games, candyfloss, deep red lipstick, marijuana, dogs, karaoke, Kate Moss, late-night strolls, zip-lining, chemistry, suspenders, cigarettes, herbal tea, gallows humour, cold coffee, long showers, brown eyes, tchaikovsky, dr. seuss, boiler house DJ sets, magnolias, decorative lamps, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.
DISLIKES: bananas, coffee, Woody Allen, mental mathematics, children, Trump, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, Wes Anderson films, spoken word poetry, the general mentality of cheerleading squads (despite being on one)
aesthetics:
a bubble of pink gum on chapped lips, mom jeans, a beaten up pair of adidas, denim jackets, strawberry laces, knee-highs, chapped lips, peeling sticky plasters, split knuckles, bruises you try to cover with concealer, stick and poke tattoos, hot coffee, sleep caught in your eyes on a lazy afternoon, kissing girls, cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, leonine arch of your back and that stellar smile that says ‘you have no idea who you’re dealing with’, a rucksack permanently packed for the move, a streak of red across your lips, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your mom wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, his name scrawled in rage across the pages of a diary, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes. 
wanted plots: since greta literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships, and girls from the cheer team who she’s like, weirdly intimate with like the shower together but its not a Thing cos the other girls straight, and I want like, fellow medicine students who are like?? how is this bitch still passing?? i swear she goes out every night?? she works part time at a fast food restaurant, i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry. ppl she did a few modules with before changing course and somehow sort of remaining in touch with, like she did a few art modules, a bit of film, n some architecture before switching to medicine, though she’ll probs switch course again soon. ppl who she runs track with. someone she’s trying to make a zine with. here’s a list of plots on her old blog if u want any of them w her.
would love plots of any type, throw them all at me please, i cnt wait to interact w all of u. like this if u want me to message you about connections / plots! xo
full biography if u can be bothered
trigger warnings: drugs, domestic abuse, gun.
you never meant for it to happen. you’d heard the stories, of girls who let their man walk all over them, and thought to yourself “i’ll never be one of those girls…” the kind that eat low-fat yoghurt and drink slim fast to shred a few extra pounds because he said she was getting round in the tummy, or the ones who spent their evenings tied to a kitchen sink drinking wine while him and the boys played poker, wishing god, if only I could get out of here. not you, not you raised by strong women, four bright shining beacons. single mother with her hard-as-nails attitude and her stony glares, elder sisters (twins) one ginger, one blonde, one doctor, one lawyer, both determined to take a bullet to the brain and a hammer to the patriarchy before they let a man touch them without asking. you were always so inferior, so insecure and small, like a bird (like a sparrow) with blonde plaits down your back sucking tropicana whilst your busom buds sucked dick, their lips permanently ripe with stories of their sexual exploits, fake tan and glittered nails whilst you sat in the unbroken egg of virginity wondering what it was like to be loved. one day you found out.
lily milligan’s parents gone and a free house for the night, bottles of ouzo and tequila swiped from your mother’s liquor cabinet thinking she wouldn’t know (she always knew) your legs, hardened from pep squad, slut dropping on a kitchen table because the boys thought it would be fun to get the quiet girl drunk. you’d never had a sip before that night. band t-shirts, denim shorts and the split soles of rotten converse that you refuse to let go of, you still clutched with both hands to your youth, but in a tube top now (borrowed from alice carmichael who had a sister in college) and a short tennis skirt, your feet not in trainers but in thigh-high boots. uncomfy as hell but lily said you needed to look sexy. you didn’t know if you wanted to be sexy. you didn’t know what kind of girl you were, if you were even a girl at all. but robbie looked at you like he knew exactly who you were, like he knew you better than you knew yourself, and his lips had the pink cupid’s bow of a movie star, and his hair was dark locks, curling like a mane. his hands were soft, and suddenly on your waist, and after three more shots his lips were on yours and his name was the only sound in your head and on your lips as you lost it in lily’s college sister’s bedroom beneath the glare of a T-Pain poster. you bled for what seemed like hours, his hand still in yours, kissing on the sofa as truth tellers and dare devils continued to spin a bottle of unprecedented youth. you thought it was love. robbie was the one. he loved you, you knew it, how else could someone be so soft? but soon he grew bored, scrunched up your paper heart and set it alight. then came the tears, the hatred, the ‘fuck robbie, in fact, fuck all boys.’ and that you did.
you were known for being easy. any boy could be yours for a night, as long as he promised to love you for those few short breaths and pants before you cried yourself to sleep. you felt poisoned, but poisonous as well, as if by ensnaring these young boys you were gaining power over them, and not the other way around. soon it started to work. they’d want more, but you’d deny them it, sick of sucking off silly schoolboys, they’d call you a tease, a vixen. maybe you were, but you couldn’t help but want older men. you got the history teacher first time, him bending you over his desk to sneak a hand up your tennis skirt as the after-school clubs carried on next door, unawares. love didn’t exist, not for you. it was nothing but a game for pretty young girls to play, bubble gum in their canines and a hand tugging at the hem of their cheer skirt.
there was so much anger inside of your small body, ‘beware of boys and their hook-like words’. hockey helped. there was something formidable about the feeling of a stick like a weapon in your hands and the thwack it made against thighs in the heat of a scrum - “slipped, sorry!” - you’d utter with a snakeskin smile, millicent quinn knowing that you’d hit her on purpose because she shagged robbie at that party last week. she couldn’t prove it, cobbled acne on her forehead turning green with disgust. ben came into your life like a car crash. two years your senior, with a baseball jacket and shoulders like a god. he became your personal hero. on the pitch, he was lethal. together, you could bring anyone to their ruin. each day after last period he’d be waiting in his car. you’d leap into his arms like a girl-half starved, love me, love me, love me, your heated kisses the envy of every junior girl. he was yours for three blissful years, utterly yours, and you were his, his star-spangled girl, and he was your knight - you were both the same, playing games, always difficult to predict. it was a shock to all when he proposed, high-school sweethearts find love in south dakota.
the engagement was a bittersweet affair; three months – you barely out of your gingham print skirts and into a graduation gown, him, a surly quarterback towering above your sisters, cigarette at his lips and a scowl like a fart in a lift. they hated him. so did you. but you were eighteen and in love, and he fitted the cookie cutter mould. everyone wanted him, and you had him. you had him and you were happy, happy, happy, and he loved you. he said he’d give you the world, anything you wanted hand-picked and given to you. instead, he gave you a jack russell terrier and a flat you couldn’t swing a cat in, wallpaper peeling like the rotten bits inside of you, the bits that only he knew. and you got tireder and tireder of the sad excuse of a life he’d picked out for you, him out doing god knows what to pay the bills, and you dancing on tables to pave your way to stardom, and this was love, this was real, until the shine wore off and your fresh-faced, dimple-cheeked cheerleader facade faded and the ugliness started to reveal itself, the whining, the petulance, the sharp-tempered cruelty, the mind games, the need to always win, win, win. he was dull, he was boring, he was nothing like the boy the girls had said he was and no chiselled six pack could hide his lack of anything remotely interesting, your patience wearing thin until it snapped like rubber, a rucksack on your back, running shoes on your feet and the joint bank account emptied into your eighth grade birthday wallet.
you built your small fortunes working the casinos of sioux falls, a crimson dress and an attitude to match. bookish archie with his little dipper freckles was fun for a month, before he became just as dull and dreary as the rest. a three hour bus and you were in minneapolis, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fresh meat ready for the pickings. a hostel here, a friendly co-worker’s sofa there as you made what you could by taking off your clothes and shaking your ass like you were back in pep squad, doing what you did best. you met your fair share of creeps, and soon it was back on the road to escape a wide-eyed stalker and a restless itch for more. milwaukee, chicago, you made the roads your own. log cabins and lodgings, and the occasional motel, a beaten up pick up truck purchased at a scrap merchants – you got a few miles out of it before it bit the dust, and when you finally set it alight after nights spent lounging across the driver’s seat, a parka tucked over you as a duvet, you were sad to see it go. you’re nomadic by fault, never attaching to place, people or things, creating a new personality in every place you go like a character actress; each town is a different repertory theatre, and you’re the star. a compulsive liar, you even fib about your own name, to some you’re ellen, nineteen, bookish, a law student who likes smoking and cosmos. to someone else you’re rita, you’re twenty five and look young for your age, like smoking, comics and fucking in public places.
in the bright lights of michigan, you found charlie, sweet charlie, too good for you, though you let him spoil you while he thought you were the small town girl of his dreams. next came abigail, who was fun until the jealously kicked in, and then luke, gorgeous luke, dangerous, exciting, who despite his temper, despite the fights, despite bruises down your spine and your teeth marks on his arms, loved you with the strength of a wild fire. there was destruction in your wishbones, a savageness from the field, from the pitch and now somehow in his arms, you were godly. he was cruel, he was careless, and he refused to fall at your feet like so many other boys had, which only you made you want him all the more. you were rage incarnate. you hated him so fiercely you thought you might kill him, so he played the only card you wouldn’t predict; proposed.
the house you shared was a backstreet flat in detroit, you making your name as a downtown singer while he footed the bill with pills. they had a drug for anything these days, to dull the senses, to pick them up, to drive you to insanity or pull you out of the madness hole. the two of you lived like criminals on the run (you never told him that you were, living out your days as the enigma he wanted you to be), you with your voice like caramel and fishnet legs. you were his and his alone until his hand was at your throat and the gun was in your hands screaming at him to stop, stop, stop, until a bullet stoppered his brain, crimson staining linoleum as you cast yourself out like lucifer. self defence was decreed the moment they saw your violet neck, black tears and headlight eyes and mind screaming red, red, red like the pom-poms you shook so willingly in school and the insides of his skull. you were gone, and “you” was born, renamed “greta”, boxed, shipped-out, and next-day delivered to livingstone where under witness protection you were a student, blank slate, fresh-faced in a place where no one knew your name, doing what you always did and starting again.
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diegoalvesisgod · 7 years ago
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Extra Angsty Prompts part 2
Disclaimer: All are mine, free for grabs. All genres mixed in this one. Please let me know if you write them, I'd love to read them.
1: I’m the suicidal guy who’s moved into your apartment, you’re the ghost that won’t let me kill myself. Like… I cut my veins, the bleeding mysteriously stops and the wounds close on their own. I try to take the pills, turns out someone switched them for vitamin C. I want to jump out of the window, the windows won’t open. I go to my car to poison myself with carbon monoxide, guess what, the car won’t start. I’m really at the point now where I want to meet you and see what’s your problem with me not existing anymore.
2: There’s a raid on our village and we’re hiding from the soldiers, you’re hurt but you keep saying it’s going to be fine, I know it’s not, but if I go out, I’m dead as well.
3: We’re being held in neighboring cells, I’ve never seen you but you started talking to me one night when you heard me sobbing, and now you’re practically keeping me alive, I’d be dead without you.
4: We’re being held in neighboring cells and I can hear you screaming all the time, geez, what are they doing to you?
5: We’re being held in cells opposite to each other, and we spend hours just stretching our hands through the bars because if we try really hard, then our fingers will just barely touch.
6: We’re being held captive in one room, but we’re both tied up and blindfolded, so I only know your voice, but your presence is really helping me.
7: We’re on the run, you took a bullet and you insist I take it out and stitch up the wound because you think I know how to do it, but I’m a medicine drop-out, I left after three months and I never even held a needle in my hand, God help me.
8: We were literally standing at the altar when police stormed in and arrested you, now they’re telling me you would kill me right after the wedding, what the hell are they talking about?
9: We are both about to be executed, you kept calming me down on the way to the execution and you told me you’d get me through it, but now we arrived and we found out you’re going to be executed first, I can’t, I can’t see you die, I’m sorry for making it even more difficult for you, but I can’t do this.
10: You’re being held captive by the bad guys who really need your blood to get cure for the virus that’s killing them, I’m supposed to be the one drawing your blood and preparing the cure and I’ve grown really fond of you, now I need to figure out how to keep you alive because… well, you need blood to live.
11: We’re on the plane that’s been hijacked, you’re insisting that you’re going to save us, now I know you’re basically a superhero, but I still don’t think it’s a good idea.
12: You were kidnapped and the kidnapper buried you alive, I have about two hours to find you and save you and I’m freaking out.
13: We’re prostitutes, you left with a customer like three hours ago and I can’t reach you, damn, I knew there was something off about that guy!
14: We’re being held captive and just as I thought up a great escape plan, the villain hurt you and you can’t walk now, I swear he knew what I was up to and he knew I wouldn’t escape without you.
15: The villain poisoned you and let me watch you die (yes, literally GoT Ellaria-Tyene style).
16: My father is having you executed, the only way to save you is to turn against my own family and overthrow my father, but the thing is I love my father, I also love you, what do I do now?
17: I loved you, but then we became enemies, now I’m sitting at your death bed and you wanted me to forgive you, but I couldn’t, finally I made up my mind and said I forgave you but you were already gone, how am I going to live with myself now?
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bpdsafespace · 7 years ago
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list of all of the things going wrong in my life right now (this is insanely long and dramatic and dumb because it’s almost thanksgiving and i know i should be thankful but maybe it’ll make me feel better to write all of this out):
1. get denied my first choice nursing school even with a 3.55 undergrad GPA and a 3.78 science GPA and now i have to wait another year to apply to that one again and other ones and won’t get into one until 2019 if i even get into one at all meaning i won’t graduate until like 2021 (programs are 1-2 years depending on which one i get into) meaning i’ll be 27 at the earliest until i get to do what i want to do and actually i want to go to grad school and be a nurse practitioner so i’ll be like fuckin 30 and that’s insane to me like how tf am i ever going to have time to date and start a family when school will be consuming my life until then??? so it’s either i give up my dream or deal with the consequences of my dream and it sounds so lose/lose
2. i’m STILL in love with my ex who broke up with me nearly 3 years ago for another prettier more perfect girl and i literally Cannot Get Over It No Matter What i haven’t been attracted to literally anyone in my league since and i haven’t dated anyone since and it SUCKS i miss dating so much but nobody likes me and the very few people who potentially could i only see as friends
3. my best friend is my ex’s ex that he left me for. this sounds bad but it really isn’t well actually it is but she is truly the best friend to me right now and it’s sick i hate it so much but i love her so much it’s so fucking hard.
4. she’s usually away at school 3 hours away but right now she’s home for thanksgiving so i keep creeping on the snapmap to see if she could be with my ex (they’re still friends but she reassured me that they’re not going to date or hook up plus she always talks about other guys yet i’m still paranoid because if i was her why tf not hook up with him?? like you get to have sex and not be attached?? and i feel like he’d def hook up with her) and she’s never with him on the snapmap but this is making me crazy i have no idea what i’m going to do when she’s home for an entire month during winter break
5. i saw his name on her caller ID when i went to a show with her and i can’t stop thinking about it, i don’t talk to either one of them on the phone so what the fuck were they talking about she’d totally tell me if i asked her because she’s never been anything but upfront and honest with me but i’m too scared to ask her because i looked over her shoulder to see her phone and it was 2 days ago now and i literally know it’s not like they were confessing their love for each other maybe she just had a question for him she didn’t want to text i don’t know but it bothers me so fucking much that they’re friends but i can’t be like “you guys aren’t allowed to be friends” like my jealousy is insane i just want them both to like me the best it’s ridiculous so i told her i was fine with them being friends even though i regret that but i kinda don’t regret it because it’s not like she’d stop being friends with him for me and she shouldn’t have to
6. she’s his #1 best friend on snapchat and he hardly uses snapchat and is second to last in my best friends and isn’t even on her best friends so she showed me that he isn’t on her best friends to ease my mind the other day and i see that they have a 3 day streak and i’m upset even though my streak with him is 69 days because when i told her originally that she was his #1 best friend (she’s my #1 best friend so it shows the grimace emoji next to his name) she laughed and was like “i probably send him my mass snaps but he sends me a pic of his dog like once a month so that doesn’t even make sense that i’m his best friend” so why TF do y’all have a 3 day streak now?? obviously he does respond to you now??? am i supposed to yell at her over this?? no because i’m insane HOW DO I STOP BEING SO JEALOUS OVER EVERYTHING PLEASE MAKE IT STOP
7. back to her being my only friend right now, i got in a huge fight with one of my friends i’ve been friends with for like 10 years because he never responds to my snapchats and i’m really sad right so i feel like he isn’t being there for me during this shitty time as much as he should be but my other best friend (my ex’s ex) IS ALWAYS there which sucks because i really don’t want her to be my best friend so i’m trying to be closer to my old best friends but apparently they don’t want to be as close to me as i want to be with them because we only speak when i’m with them. so my friend gets really mad at me because i’m expecting too much apparently and starts yelling at me basically saying that i don’t deserve to be sad and that i’ve gotten everything handed to me in my life (which is ENTIRELY UNTRUE) because my parents paid for my first degree which i understand is crazy privileged but the thing is my parents chose a cheap school for me like i wasn’t allowed to go to an actual good school and they’re literally not even rich they just have been saving since the day i was born because they grew up poor as hell and neither one of them went to college and they wanted better for me and i’m so appreciative of them for it but the thing is now i have to struggle and paid over $10,000 for nursing school pre-reqs out of my own. damn. pocket. because i didn’t fucking get what i wanted to do right the first time and now their money for me is running out and i have to take out loans and i feel SO BAD they wasted their really hard earned money on me it literally makes me wanna die thinking about it. so basically i can’t vent to my friends because i’m being overdramatic and they don’t want to hear it
8. i had a job interview for a seemingly horrible position that is going to help me get into nursing school and is also a change of pace and i really want to get out of my current job because i work with 16 year olds (i’m 23, old AF, i know) and i feel like i’m not growing at all i’m literally at a standstill i’ve been working this job for 7 years so if i don’t get the new one i’ll be devastated but if i do get it i’ll still be devastated cause it’ll be my first full time job plus 1.5 hours transportation times 2 coming back and i may have to work four 10 hour shifts because i have a day of school so i’ll have to be away from home for 13 hours meaning even if i got on the train as early as 7 am (they’re acting like i’d get to pick my schedule), i wouldn’t be home until 8 pm 4 days a week how much does that fucking suck man i wouldn’t even be able to eat dinner with my family
9. i will definitely get drug tested for said job because it’s in a hospital and today is day 1 of not smoking (i smoke almost every day but usually just at night to sleep) and this is literally the worst time for me to not be able to smoke because i’m sad and stressed and just wanna Chill but i literally can’t because i have no idea when i’ll be drug tested, i already interviewed on monday so i was pushing it by smoking yesterday (i applied thursday so i had no idea i’d even get an interview that soon which is why i didn’t stop smoking earlier)
10. it’s fucking november which means winter is coming so my depression is only going to get worse and worse
11. i fucked up my birth control last month so i started bleeding a week before i was supposed to and then when i stopped my pills for my period week i didn’t bleed so i didn’t want to start the new pack right away because it technically wasn’t after my period like i had a gap week so i stopped taking them for 2 weeks and my hormones are CRAAAAZZZYYYY BAAADDD i literally just started a pack right now because i can’t fucking take them anymore so my cycle is going to be massively fucked up this month but i literally couldn’t wait another 2 weeks and now my stomach hurts
12. i have bpd and my psychiatrist copay is $65 and no therapist has ever worked out for me so i’ve wasted a lot of (MY OWN) money on therapists and i’m so over it i can’t afford it so it really sucks to deal with this illness on my own.
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cutiecrates · 5 years ago
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Cutie Reviews: Kawaii Box July 19
Here we are guys, the Kawaii Box I’ll be reviewing tonight. I’ve had these pictures ready since Sunday but I blame my birthday and the delivery issues for the Lucky Treat as to why it took me almost a week...
Let’s hope the next one is quicker :D
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Word of the month: Ryokou - Trip
“Create the best summer vacation ever with this month’s selection of kawaii goodies!“
Happy Day Pill Organizer & Kawaii Candy Wrapper Hairclips
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For a summer holiday it can come in handy to have some little necessities with you, especially if they’re really cute ones. Both items are available in other designs/colors on Blippo.com.
First up is this little pill box, featuring a ball chain you can attach to a bag or purse, or even pants or belt loops for easy access to your vitamins or essential medication. I think you could even pack other tiny items, like a handy place to hold small jewelry, ear/nose plugs, contacts (maybe), little hair accessories, etc.
I’ve gotten a few other pill box containers, but they really do come in handy. Not only can I pack the above items, but I’ve also started taking vitamins these past two years, I also have an antibiotic I’m on right now, and I try to keep ibuprofen and stomach medicines on hand for me or others. Because I have a couple it also saves me room in my bed-side table.
So yeah, I’ve been making good use of them. 
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Hair care and accessories can also be a necessity, clips provide an easy and quick method of getting hair out of the face. They also look adorable~
These clips are made to resemble wrapped candies or sweets, with a clear resin or plastic on front decorated with various items and a painted back, along with a vibrant semi-translucent clip. The clip quality is nice with little spiked pieces to weave through the hair and securely hold it, and the charm itself isn’t loose or flimsy.
I love their original hair clips (except for those neon nightmare ribbons from a few months ago), and these are very sweet and fun. The candy theme and colorful mix of vibrant and pastels makes them perfect not only for summer, but any occasion!
Aiko Headphone Case
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Next up is this adorable Aiko-chan case for... I assume earbuds? It says headphone but I don’t think they would fit in there. Anyway, it features a double-sided image and an attachable pink metal piece so that you can connect this to various items, or you could even loop something else through the strap if you wanted.
The inside is a basic black, with a half-mesh piece on one of the sides. It’s compact but you could definitely fit some decent things in here besides earbuds; like everything I listed above, a hand sanitizier, small makeup items, toothpicks or ear cleaners, mints, candy, a mini notepad or sticky note set, etc.
This is really cute, but I kinda wish the design was more... summery? Like using the one from the booklet cover, which is what they usually do.
Hello Kitty Mermaid Plushie
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Now this is what I’m talking about- although... this would have been a better match for the previous months box, with the mermaid items don’t you agree?
This is from a brand or company called Nakajima, and is part of a Sanrio Characters line. It’s officially worth or costs 20 Sanrio points, and I’m pretty sure its based on the much larger Hello Kitty mermaid plushies. I’ve seen a handful of them though so this could just be another catfish in the sea ;3 She has a light pink piece of tulle on her head adorned by a glittery felt star, with the same tulle around the top of the chest, and her tail is light purple with a shimmery, glittery hot pink semi-translucent fin. By the corner of her eye are two stitched stars in matching colors.
The plush is soft in the paws, but the head is more firm, with the tail just slightly softer. She’s well made and she even has a ball chain, so I could attach her to things as well if I wanted and bring her with me~
Icy Pastel Popsicle Pen
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As usual we got a fun pen, and these never fail to please when it comes to fun, cuteness, and theme matching. So this month we have a multicolored pastel popsicle-shaped piece attached to the nubbin’ of a pen lid. The pen itself is a plain, thin white tube and there is a fine tip; and as usual it’s available in a few other colors. I love popsicles too, so I made sure to add it to the other pens I enjoy using. 
There isn’t really much to say about the pen quality wise, other than the fact it needs a few minutes to dry. The pen can hold a line for a long time (as in, you don’t need to force flowage) and it can dot and write very easy and smooth.
Tiny Party Sparkly Stickers
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As usual we also get adorable stickers, and this month we have a set of adorable, glittery, pastel items perfect for not only a fun party during summer or a get-together with friends, but also add a sweet touch to various items- like letters, notes, photo albums, picture frames, etc.
The stickers are “barely puffy“ to give them a 3D look, and what I think is adorable is on the upper corner, where it lists this:
Calories: ???
Enjoyment: 110%
Happiness: 100%
I really like all of the stickers but I think my most favorite are the candy containers, the unicorn cupcake or ice cream, and the jelly desserts.
Happy Nikukyu Polar Bear Gummies
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We’ve gotten gummies like these before from Kawaii Box, and in a few other boxes, but usually they are cat or dog themed. To cool down from the warm summer weather, we’re invited to enjoy these chilling polar bear paw gummies, which as you can see are filled with a creamy gel. The bag is re-sealable and the entire bag is 102 calories- which I don’t really think is too bad. If you ate the whole bag it’d be a nice little snack.
I usually like these gummies, and they’ve never been filled before so this was a fun change. I also love soda flavors, and these are very yummy. The cooling effect lasts for a few minutes and is very soothing, it isn’t harsh or minty at all.
Korean DIY Kawaii Bracelet Set
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Fun for a rainy day or just a bout of boredom or some time to yourself, we have this cute and colorful jewelry set. It consists of several colorful charms in various shapes and sizes, and it has a long bundled up stretchy string.
I pulled out the more “random charms“ to show you guys, and there was several that I only had one of, like that heart, the flower, the big, that big rose. I had multiple of the heels, but I thought they were so random and cute I couldn’t help but include them. I also noticed a lot of spare little bits of plastic I can’t do anything with, and there was one or two pieces with extra plastic I’ll need to remove before use.
However... I actually kind of like how they look in the little jar, I’m a bit hesitant about using them. I might just leave them as is. But I’ll probably use a couple pieces.
Korean DIY Kawaii Cupcake Set
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I’ve done a couple of kits like this before, they’re a lot of fun and I love to see how different they are between each one. I do wish we could have a little more variety kit wise, but because they differ it’s not that bad. Plus there are color variations so you can have a lot of fun making these, then re-using them for re-ment or dolls, or just cutesy displays later.
So as you can see we have two frostings, along with 3 cupcake liners and 3 glasses, and four bottles of deco bits: Styrofoam balls, glittery green stars, fruits and random other canes, and various glittery bits.
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Here are 3 I did, including 1 cupcake and 2 drinks. I’ve gone ahead and did another cupcake sometime after this pic, but I still have 2 pieces left over and a little bit of the “frosting“, which is a lot like glue in terms of consistency and feel. When you finish, it has a smooth and puffy texture, but it hardens over time and loses the squishiness.
I believe there would be enough to finish the last 2 pieces, but I’m unsure. The cupcake isn’t entirely frosting, I used spare bits to fill the bottom, a squirt of blue frosting, then filled it in white.
It’s very fun, but I will warn you, from the experience I’ve had with these types of things you definitely want tweezers to use. It will make the job loads easier and less-messy.
♥ Cutie Ranking ♥
Content - 5 out of 5: The items are well-made and really sweet, I like them all.
Theme - 2.5 out of 5: I felt like this could have been a lot better, I want to say at least half of the box was summery vacation themed
Total Rank: 8 out of 10 Cuties. I liked the items a lot, but I didn’t feel excited or super-thrilled with the box either. It was just good, not great or fantastic though, but you can’t please everyone and I still really liked it. The items are cute and colorful, and fun and practical. I can’t help but wonder what Augusts’ box will be like though, since both this one and the June one are both falling short on summer expectations. We’ll just have to wait to find out!
♥Cutie Scale ♥
1. Polar Bear Paw Gummies - These were delicious, I’d recommend them if you ever see them
2. Kawaii Hairclips - As I said above, I love the unique hair accessories we get from Blippo/Kawaii Box, I especially love these ones inspired by food items :3 I’ve worn them a couple of times and I really, really like them.
3. Popsicle Pen - It’s so cute, I just wish the pens tube wasn’t so plain. It’s a little boring, but I can understand the design choice.
4. Sparkly Stickers - I probably won’t use these because of how much I like them. Unless I just find the perfect place for them that is~
5. Pill Organizer - It’s very fun and I love the use of black as a pop of color to the soft pastels. It’s been easy to use and it came in handy freeing up space.
6. Hello Kitty Mermaid - It’s very cute and I’m obsessed with Hello Kitty, I don’t have a mermaid hello kitty, unless you count the large dress-up hello kitty doll I have, who was mermaid themed when I bought her.
7. DIY Bracelet Kit - Same as below, but I’m less-likely to actually touch it right now. I love looking at all the pieces~
8. DIY Cupcake Set - It’s very cute and fun, and relaxing too. But I’ve been there done that. 
9. Aiko Case - It’s very cute and small, I won’t be using them for earbuds or headphones but I know I can find a use for it in my bed-side table or purse. I still wish they used the design from the front though...
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julianmatthews-yt · 7 years ago
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Trigger warnings: Talks of suicide, overdose, self harming, bulling, scars, beating, blood, violence, depression
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Mun note: The way I envision this SP to play out like a documentary. Lots of cuts and photos. Light background music. So keep that in mind when reading this.*Italic a is voice over, over pictures or video. I’ll try my best to as detailed as I can.
The video opened up with Julian in his normal room like every other video he’s made but with not loud intro. “Hey guys, uhm....as you can tell this video is a lot different then all of my videos. I’ve always wanted to be every transparent with you guys. I’ve always be honest and open with you guys.....besides this one big thing in my life and that’s because......all of my life that’s that got me beatin up and attacked.” he paused for moment. “And I’m tired of being the victim...This video will explain it all and I hope it’ll help other.” The video faded out to black
Julian sat up on a stool in front of a backdrop. “This is very strange.” he said looking around. Pictures of his past started fading into view. Staring from the most current picture and going back; soft music playing in the background “My name is Julian Jackson Matthews. I was born on the 14th of February 27 years ago, 5 mins before my sister Kayla. I grew up in a smaller then small town and I have 2 beautiful kids. At this current moment I have almost 16 million subscribers on YouTube.” There was a pause as a picture for his and his sister’s first birthday came into view. Both of them wearing “Birthday Girl” hats. “And I am transgender..”
“I think from the moment I was able to have a real thought. Like real...awareness to myself is when I knew something was just not right with me.” “I think it was like 3 or 4 years old when I first fought my mother about wearing a dress.” He laughed. “I hated them. I hated that everything was pink in me room. I played with my brothers trucks and I kinda started tell me mum and dad that I was a boy. When I went in to preschool we were learning how to spell our names and I hated my name. So Kayla knew this and went to dance one day and met an older boy who’s name was Julian and that was just one more letter then Julia. So that’s now I decided I wanted to be called Julian. Because it was only one letter more and I didn’t have to learn now to spell a whole new bloody name.” He laughed. “Cause that’s how 5 year old minds work.” 
More pictures of a young Julian came up “My parents never exactly told me “No, you’re a girl.” or at least that I remember.” The green haired man shifted on the stool he sat on. “I was about 8 when my parents brought me to a therapist because at that point I’ve been consistent and I actually saved me head at that point. Which me mum was SOOO not happy about. That’s when I first heard the word Transgender and it like blew my mind. Because I thought something was wrong with me kinda. I knew I was born in the wrong body and this was something I could change. It would take a long time but I could change it. And that feeling was great so I burned every girly thing I could. Stole my brothers hand-me-downs and was happy! I started taking testosterone pills when it was about 12 or 13.....but I was becoming a “real boy”....but that’s also the time in life when kids get very mean....”
“Ever since I was very young kids would pick on me cause I was the girl who played with trucks and not doll but as I go older and my transition continued the worlds turned into fists. I’ll spare you the sob story of my life for now but from about 10 to now I’ve been constant beaten up for be transgender....and that is whats made me so fearful of the world. Because once people knew....they wanted to hurt me. Everyone I’ve ever told....besides Zac.”
It faded out to his twin sister “Everything good that happened to Julian happened when he needed it the most. YouTube, his kids, but most recent was getting a best friend that he always needed. Julian may not admit it and Zac probably doesn’t know it but he saved my brothers life the day he found him on the train. He honestly did....and I think just being there and being his best friend. Jules is just so much happier now having someone who knows him and accepts him and just loves him for the person he is.” Videos of Zac and Julian came up. From that one video he did to the random vlogs Julian did and Zac appeared in them. “Him and Zac are a very unlike pair but I think in a way they needed each other. He’s made Julian have a bit more of a back bone. Enough that I don’t think this video would have happened if it wasn’t for Zac.” Kayla smiled. “I don’t know what Zac as gotten from Julian but I like to think that everyone is just a little bit better for meeting him. Because when the world has shown him nothing but hatred for most of his life, he still does everything he can to be a good person and show kindness.” “Zac’s head his just gonna blow up from this.” Julian laughed. “Like....he’s cocky to start with. Lord knows what this is gonna do to him but yeah....when we met I called him a fuckwit and told him to fuck off and we’ve been friends ever since.” The man laughed shaking his head and he bit his lip. “I love him though...he’s more then my friend. He’s another brother. He’s my family....even if he doesn’t think of me that way. He’s still my family and someone I love and care for. Whenever he needs someone I’ll be there because he was there for me when I didn’t even know I needed him.”
“18 is the legal age to get a sex change operation and you be you ass I had it set for February 15th.” he laughed. I’ve been saving since I was 16 at that point because it’s a lot of money and....and growing up we didn’t have a lot of money. Like it was hard and I had to go without medication sometimes and I was old enough to get it but my body didn’t react well to the switch of hormones that happened sometime but I lived.” the scene cut from him on the stool to him standing in front of the back drop pacing. Kayla’s voice came from off camera, she spoke in Gaelic so the subtitles appeared on screen. “Are you okay?” “Yeah...” he said back before everything faded to black with a warning. WARNING: If you are sensitive to beating, scars, depression, self harming or talks of suicide, please skip ahead.  ((Next paragraph)) “I was beat up. Sometimes just left on the ground to die. I’ve been cut....whipped. Thrown in dumpsters and walls. Had glass bottles thrown at me and broken over my head. Broken bones. You name it it’s been done to me....so much that I started hurting myself.” Julian came back into view with his shirt off. His pale body did nothing to hide his scars that literally covered his body “So this right here is the surgery scar form my surgery on my chest and you kinda see this one here. It looks like a c-section scar to take out my ovary's and all the fun stuff in there. For the record my kids are mine. Save me eggs and got a sperm donor. Kayla carried them for me...anyway....um...all the other scars are from me or others. It was kinda hard not to fall into a depression when basically everyone in the world is trying to kill you or make you feel like death...” he said looking down at his own body. “I wanted to die....so much. I tried a few times but I luckily failed at killing myself. Actually I was in the hospital when Kayla went into labor with Luna because I over dose on my aint-depressions. And it was like 6 months after that that when I was at home...” he paused as tears welled up in his eye. “I-I was home.....with the kids....late. REALLY late and I tired to kill myself then. I....i cut my wist pretty bad and S-sam....”Julian sniffled letting tears roll down his face, voice braking as he spoke. “Sam came in....he saw the blood and just looked at me and said “Papa gots a boo boo. I’ll fix it.” and he did. And he he told me he love me and....and that’s kinda when it hit that I was the most selfish person on the planet. I had these two beautiful kids...that need me. And it doesn’t matter to them who are what I am...I’m their papa....and they need me....”He dried his face and showed his wrist that had Sam tattooed on one and Luna on the other on top of deeply scared skin. “I got them there to remind myself that hurting me is hurting them....”
Everything faded out and then to Julian on the stool, talking to someone off camera “I have a lot of good in my life...and I tend to forget that....I have my family, my subscribers.....Zac and Willow! She a new friend...I hope we’re friends. She such a lovely lady. Fucking smart too!” he laughed. “I’m fucking 27 years old and have just two friend. That is so sad. Dakota has tired....but for some reason we just do not click and I am so sorry about that cause he’s such a lovely man.” he laughed letting his hand drag down his face. “Like the dude handles Zac for fucks sake he’s gonna be awesome but...” Julian threw his hand up with a shrugged. “I don’t know....maybe he’ll watch this and become friends after this. I wanna be friends we just don’t click...with is very odd given who my best friend is. You know what this round two. Dakota we’re gonna go get some dr- Oooh wait...can he drink? How is he.....Fuck man. If he’s under 21 I am busting all the balls when I get home.” The man laughed and shook his head as he bit his lip. “We’ll see how shit goes after this video is posted.....I’m actually terrified of when this goes up. This is gonna change everything....and that’s just blood insane. One video that changes your whole life? I mean....that would be the first time that happen to me but still....” he sat there for a moment letting everything get quiet.
“The same day I left to come here to make this video, part to of a game called “A Normal Lost Phone” when up and that game is about a transgender girl name Samira or Sam.” Clips from the game came up and he talked. “Game starts of as her as a boy and you go along with the game and see her figure out that she trans and that she would never be accepted by her family. So she just runs.” Julian comes back on screen thinking for a moment. “And.....and I recorded it all and sent to my editor and I instantly called my mum sobbing. Because, first off I realized how lucky I am to have a family that accepted me from the start of who I am. And second that I am Sam...I played off the whole game like I wasn’t part of that world because of how scared I was. How scared I was that no one would accept me because how cruel I’ve seen people been. I have about 16 million people watching me. That a huge amount of people who can accept me or destroy me. This honestly is a something that can change my career and whole life....and that’s what’s scary about it....but I’m also not scared. I delayed putting it up for a few weeks but finally did I didn’t plan on making this video. I think the combination of that game just constantly being on my mind and the fact that I got jumped made me just snap and I had enough. I’ve checked the comments of that video, the part two because that’s when everything falls into place and you figure out whats going one....and the comments are nothing but positivist and that video has already help people who are trans come forward in my community...so I’m not afraid of what my community will think of me. It’s the world because I am on display for everyone 24/7. I’m one of the “big guys” on this platform so this is gonna go beyond YouTube....and that’s were my fear is. That outside of my little community and world everything is just gonna be destroyed and then find it’s way to my safe place which is my channel.”
The video cuts to moments of his comment section on the video he talked about and the positive coming from everyone before show him with his two older brother, sister and parents. Them all just laughing and talking as Julian’s voice came over. “I hope this helps people more. I hope I gave people a safer place to come to. A place where your not judge for being who you are and who you wanna be. No one should be ashamed for that....and it’s okay if your scared. I was too...” It came back to just Julian sitting and talking to the camera. “But I think you need to look around and look at the people who do love you for you and find comfort in them. And if you don’t have someone right there, you have me. You have this community. They don’t have to be right next to you or someone you see daily to make you feel loved and safe. Your safe here...and I will do everything in my power to make sure it stays safe. I’m always here. I’m always here to talk to you when you need it. I’ve always been an acting part of this community and I always will be. So please...remember that. But I promise you that good times will come to you. Please never ever give up on yourself because better days will come. I really do promise you that....even with all the shit that’s happen to me. I am happy....and I think things are just gonna get better for here. I.....I have hope....” Julian smiled and let out a heavy sigh with a big smile as everything faded out once more
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seekingcalmseas-blog · 7 years ago
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Brief History
I’ve really let this blog slide for some reason. I think part of it is that it’s hard to deal with everything and then write it all down.  My hope is that someone who needs to read what I write finds this and finds…..hope.
Hope is powerful.  Its there when nothing else seems to be within reach.
As someone who has ventured over the precipice and down into the depths of rock bottom, I know that it’s hard to find hope when everything is dark.  I started my rock bottom journey at 13/14, which I feel is pretty average since it’s about when high school starts and high school kids can be terrible. I wrote a list of every way I could end my life and looked at it often. 
I had a friend (who is no longer in my life but that’s another story) who kept inviting me to her youth group and I ran out of excuses, so I went.  I still say she saved my life.  Faith and friends were the light that helped my climb out of the depths.  When I was 16, I was still dealing with crippling depression every day (back then it mostly went unnoticed), but my friends held me together. 
January 2000, a very dear friend was killed in a car accident and it sent me reeling and falling back into rock bottom.  It felt like I couldn’t function.  I didn’t want to be on this planet and she did but I got to stay while she died.  It didn’t make any sense.  I still have my journals from those days - I keep them to remind me of just how far I’ve come.  I was ready to leave this life - I didn’t want to be here.  Instead of ending it all, I thought about my friends who loved me and how they would react to my leaving this Earth & I couldn’t do that to them or my parents. 
I chose hope every day.  Even if today was awful, I had to keep hoping that tomorrow would suck less.  It’s hard when you’re at rock bottom to think positively - ie tomorrow will be better.  It’s a lot easier to see it from the bottom up instead of the middle up or the top up.  You have to find hope wherever you can.  It’s hard, but I promise you it’s there.
At 18, I had a friend confide in me about her own battles and I finally talked to someone about mine.  Without her, I wouldn’t have found help.  She didn’t push me to get help, she merely stood with me while I came to grips with just how low I was.  That’s true friendship.  We’re still friends to this day - we don’t see each other too often anymore, but when we do, it’s like we just saw each other yesterday.  It’s a bond I reckon won’t ever fade.
Anyway, I got help.  I had an amazing doctor who cared about me.  He started me on antidepressants right away and gave me pills to help me sleep emphasizing that I would not be able to overdose on either of them.  I started seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with severe depression, anxiety and insomnia.  Keep in mind, this was over a decade ago so the stigma still ran high about mental issues.  It was hard.  It was not an easy or quick fix.  Often, the first couple of months are the worst because you think your medication should be the answer, the one thing missing from your health but it isn’t - I had to try 3 different medications before I found one that worked.  I ended up being severely allergic to one and was on another for 10 years before I decided it just wasn’t working anymore, then it took me nearly 3 months to come off it (including a super fun trip to the ER).  It’s a long process and getting help is just the beginning, but so worth it.  I promise.
At 28, I was mentally, emotionally and sexually abused by someone I “met” online and who lived 4000kms away from me (that’s about 2500 miles for you imperialists). I wish I could explain how he got that much control over me from so far away, but I really can’t. I have theories, but I may never know for sure. Anyway, he started controlling when I spent time with friends and family right up to when I slept. There are a lot of details I’m omitting because it’s not all that vital I share that part. I’ve been in therapy for 14 months now and it’s something I’ve learned – I don’t HAVE to share details because it’s enough that I know it happened. There are some people who know the details, but they are very much trusted. I was blessed with an amazing counselor at the women’s resource centre – by the way, if you need help from abuse of any kind, the women’s resource centres offer free counseling sessions (in Canada anyway) and can help. I highly recommend them. I did one on one counseling for about 8 months (1 session per week), then in March of this year I started a group therapy session. I’m an introvert so this was terrifying and now, I can’t imagine my life any other way. I’ve learned so much from these other women who went through the same fundamental issues I did (all different paths to the same craptacular ending) and we’ve become so close, I consider them my sisters. Life would be so difficult without them. I went in terrified but left sad because it was over. I used to be so jaded from counseling and now…it’s literally a life saver.
I’ve been single now for 19 months and I’m a much better person now than I was a year ago. Healing takes time and it isn’t done overnight or within one session. I chose to dive into the shitpile that was my life and deal with the disaster so I would be a better and healthier person. I’ve lost about 50 pounds in that year (I have a lung disease so can’t work out like your average adult – my lungs have the same capacity as an 85 year old who has smoked a pack of cigs their whole life (I’ve never smoked), so cardio is about nil). I smile more. My eyes light up more. I feel happier. Probably the happiest I’ve been in my whole life.
Hope is real. It’s there. You have to choose it every single day.
I suggest finding online support pages such To Write Love On Her Arms (founded by Jamie Tworkowski) and Always Keep Fighting (founded by Jared Padalecki). I follow both very closely. TWLOHA also has Facebook, Instagram and Twitter and they remind me that I matter. What I go through every day matters. And that I am needed here on this planet.
You are, too.
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pursuitofbrattiness-blog · 7 years ago
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Second
Things have been stressful but otherwise pretty decent lately. My bf and I celebrated our first anniversary together and now we are beginning to look for places come August 1st. I started therapy weekly for the time being. My first real appointment is on the 29th. It's crazy how long this journey has taken. I always thought when you're in a dire situation like needing mental help or being suicidal that they swooped in and actually took care of you. Luckily there have been no copay so far, but my bill from the emergency behavioral outreach and the hospital have totaled $2400+. I keep saying I was taken involuntarily and I was, but it's not like I didn't need the help. The bills are a sobering reminder of where I was versus where I need to be. Sometimes I sit back and think where did my life go? I'm 27 now and don't see a very promising future, except if you are thinking in terms of retail management. My poor choices have limited me so much in my future. I have a poor credit score and work a job $3 ish dollars over minimum wage, so in turn I live in a shit hole, drive a shitty car, and have an overall shitty life. I try not to be mad or have any resentment toward anyone. Who am I kidding? I did this all to myself. Everything. So therefore I am the only one who can help myself get out of it. I used to do so much. Martial arts, honors student, gifted writer, won the geography bee, etc etc. And then everything just kind of ... changed. Gradually. I remember when I started dating. My first bf and I are still very good friends to this day. We were together for like two years. That is, if I could find him. This was before everyone had cell phones. You actually had to work for it. Anyway he came out of the closet and left me. I was unhappy at first but soon came to realize that I would be even more unhappy in a sham relationship and if I truly do love him for who he is (which I still do, always.), then I should be happy with him trying to find his own happiness. I feel like my existence is made up of chapters and each chapter is named after the boy or man I chose to be with in that period of time. I used relationships as a way to identify myself for so long that I lost touch with who I really was as a person. I'm not sure if I've still even found that girl yet. Overall I had a pretty decent childhood. We were never rich, but my parents always made sure we had everything we needed. My older sister and I each received an LL Bean backpack when we started first grade and we were expected to maintain it and keep it throughout elementary school, we had chores, after school program, etc. I started going to camp when I was around 8 and continued until 17. I took martial arts and aspired to do something with my life. My parents pushed us a lot though, and it was sometimes hard on us girls. They expected us to socialize and play outside with the other kids. When I was like maybe 5 I met the neighbor kids. It was soon after that I knew about sex, knew what a blow job was, and just generally things a 5 year old shouldn't know. I would say that one of the single worst memories I have in my entire life is this: Couldn't have been more than 6 years old at the time. The neighbor boy asked if I wanted to see something. He wasn't even that much older than me. Maybe 7? 8? It's really kind of fuzzy after 20 years. Anyway, of course I wanted to see something. He led me into the back hall to the apartment building we lived in and pulled down his pants, exposing his penis. He said now you. I wasn't exactly sure what to do or say. I do remember what I was wearing though. Minnie Mouse romper thing. Light up sneakers. I did what he said. He asked if I had ever sucked dick before. No, I replied cautiously. He told me to close my eyes and open my mouth. I did so. Wider he says. I tightened my eyes abs opened as wide as I could. And that's when I tasted it. It tasted like cigarettes and laundry detergent. It was brief. I pulled away and opened my eyes. I saw my sister and his sister staring in through the glass on the door we went through. I didn't know what to think. Didn't get it. Stuff like that happened between the brother and the sister and I until they finally moved away. To this day I know I'm not completely heterosexual and know that this probably was the catalyst. I have always been ashamed. Always hid it. Never wanted to talk about it. Would leave the room and feel uncomfortable if a lesbian couple was featured on TV, for instance. Nowadays I suppose the society we live in would say that I'm absolutely silly for hiding it. I never found out why I have such a shame for it. I'm bisexual through and through, but I really do prefer the company of men. It's weird. Sexuality is a vast and diverse thing, and talking about my own experience makes me understand a little bit more. Other bad things happened that I don't want to divulge right now. But they were really bad. And had a really profound impact on who I am as a person. I became the girl that automatically equates sex with love. Not necessarily a bad thing definitely, but it's also hurt me quite a bit. Men can be cruel. I can be, too, however. My second boyfriend was the prime example of this. I was 16 and he was 21 and I took advantage pretty damn hard. I mean, who wouldnt? I also took his virginity so nowadays I think about what he did and it makes more sense to me, especially given what I went through. Anyway this dude was getting SSI and I met him thru my ex boyfriend (yes the gay one) and on the internet kind of. It was a mixture. Anyway this dude had cerebral palsy and was getting like 550 a month. Of course once we started dating it was ALL going to me. Dumb shit, too. Dinners, $45 blankets at hot topic, just stupid shit. I was a kid so I liked dumb shit. He liked fucking a kid because he was/is a sexual predator. Ugh I got so fat and gross. I started the depo shot when I was like 16.5 or 17 and gained so much weight. I ended up getting pregnant and yeah something bad happened so we wont really go into detail about that. I started smoking weed as much as I could and drinking to legit get fucked the fuck up. Like puke, drink, repeat. Binge drinking. Soon the relationship between palsy dude and I was growing sour. He was starting to become physically abusive, and using items and marriage proposals, and cheap fucking 1/10 diamond rings from walmart to try to lure me in. I dropped out of high school and almost joined the fucking military. I quit martial arts. I was legit becoming a shell. Crying out for any attention I could at home. My parents were too busy trying to repair their marriage. I get it now, mom and dad. I can't even imagine how you guys did it all and managed to save your marriage. I understand why it had to be done. I acted like a casualty of it for years. It finally dawned on me that they were trying to save it for ME. For my sis and I. I'm truly grateful now. They are still together and seem to be more in love than ever. Someday I will have something this healthy. Anyway the first time palsy dude (and yes that is what he will be referred to as. First bf is gay bf. Deal with it. He loves it.) was physical with me was after some brief altercation we had had. I called him stupid. He was driving his fuckin piece of shit Intrepid and stopped short at a stop sign. He looked me dead in the eyes and wrenched my windpipe with his good hand. Don't you ever fucking call me that again. He said through gritted teeth. His forehead turned red and he started breathing heavily through his nose before shoving me backwards and letting me go. Instantly my eyes welled up with tears and I think .02 seconds after that, he was sorry. He was always fuckin sorry. It continued to get worse. Shoving me into walls, kicking me when I was laying in the fetal position crying. Blaming me for what happened when I got pregnant. Blowing my fuckin cell phone up and running up my parents bill, always wanted to know where I was. So I apparently had gradually decided months ago the best course of action was to make him my life and quit my sport, quit school, join the military and make him and army husband. It all sounds so fuckin ridiculous now, but that's what my plan was. Til shit started going sour. My parents intervened after finding out I had missed about 90 days of school. Everyday before I left, I unhooked the phone so when the school called looking for me, the line was unreachable. I ended up in alternative school where I learned math easily from a computer, and graduated high school with like a 3.2 average or something. I went to school 7 am to 10 am and worked as much as I could for a drug store downtown. Once I got that job I found my independence and literally decided one day I did not need to be treated the way palsy dude saw fit. I was hanging out more and more with gay ex bf and his little sister, among them their friends, which in turn became my friends. A veritable menagerie of different scenes, culminating into the love for two things. Partying, and trying to find the means to do so. I had a job so I would buy weed and booze any chance I could get and share with everyone. A lot of times I would go to gay ex bfs dad's house after school and wait for him to come over so we could hang and party. Smoke maybe do some pills and drink. There was another reason I would go over there. Gay ex bfs dad was a heroin addict and I felt really bad for him because he was very kind and gave me a lot of advice and tried to help me in my future. I feel like I was making him hamburger helper everyday for at least a few months. Always with a couple slices of cheese on top. He used to ask for it, but then I would just routinely go into the fridge and see what I could make for us. Sometimes when he would eat, he would start to go to sleep so I would make sure he stayed awake and smoked his cigarette and ate and had a drink of water before he fell asleep again. Sometimes I would make sure the little sister would get to school at a decent time, although no one could ever control her after you dropped her off at the middle school. I always loved that about her. She always marched to the beat of her own drum. Anyway, I broke up with palsy dude. He had been living in a rooming house in my city to be closer to me. I told him i was done. He smashed a ceramic mug he had and sliced his wrists over and over. I was in awe and surely did not know what to say or do. He blocked the door and cried to me to reconsider. I had to call the cops. I went to my friends house after and my friends mother consoled me. My parents picked me up and took me home. He killed the hamster he bought me after that I'm pretty sure. He harassed me for weeks. Finally the day after my 18th birthday he called my cell. Not sure why but I answered. He sounded hysterical as usual. I heard wind blowing into the speaker which meant he was outside somewhere. What the fuck do you want I said. He replied, through gritted teeth I'm sure, I wanted to do this on your birthday. Now the sound I heard after I can only describe as dropping a heavy book in an empty room, on a wood floor. The phone hung up. I looked at my friends who I was with at the time and said something to the effect of I think this motherfucker shot himself. So I decide to call back. This dude fucking answers. When I ask him what happened he confirmed my fear of shooting himself. But miraculously he DIDN'T DIE. BECAUSE AFTER HE TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED I CALLED FUCKIN 911. I GUESSED THAT HE WAS AT HIS PARENTS, THAT WOULD BE THE ONLY PLACE HE WENT THAT DIDN'T HAVE THE SOUND OF THE CITY IN THE BACKGROUND. Oh how right i was and they jetted on over to put his face back together. So they did plastic surgery and looks 100% better now, which makes my story even more fucking unbelievable. I mean I haven't seen him IN PERSON for years, almost a decade actually, but his Facebook (yes I creep) makes him look completely normal. Here's the fuckin kicker. I had to get a restraining order on him. He still tried his damndest to contact me through any means possible. I was scared and just wanted it all to be over so I finally got the balls to tell him to leave me alone or face jail time. Needless to say he did. He's in an unhappy marriage and has a child. I only know this because he is a Facebook creep too and COULD NOT RESIST seeing what's up with my fine ass after all these years. Basically said gl with the kids and shitty marriage douche. Man that felt good.
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g5b3ysjw-blog · 5 years ago
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chimeperson23-blog · 5 years ago
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8 Red Flags I Know To Watch Out For After Being A Victim Of Financial Abuse
I’m in my thirties, and the first time I heard the term “financial abuse” was a little less than two years ago. After being divorced for a few years and working my way back up from financial rock bottom, it dawned on me that I’d never even considered what had happened to me as abuse — but it really was. I was familiar with the other forms of abuse that are often talked about, and I was taken advantage of and emotionally abused in my former relationship, for sure. But losing control of my money, my financial decisions, and my credit affected my life with long-lasting effects.
As this article from Bustle claims:
Women are far more likely to experience financial abuse than physical abuse by their partners. The organization Purple Purse explains that 99 percent of domestic abuse situations (which can happen in all kinds of relationships, including family relationships or friendships) are believed to involve financial control and coercion.
Looking back, I wish I had been more aware of the little red flags that started showing up in alarming displays — and I wish I’d known of others who had come forward with their stories so I would have known better.
I was only 22 years old when I started dating my ex-husband, Rob*. I knew him for a year or so before I began dating him, and while I had heard things through our group of friends, I was sure none of it was true once we began dating. Rob had a good job, a nice apartment, and was “adulting” much better than any of the rest of my friends at that time. He seemed caring and attentive, and I got caught up in our new relationship. I moved in with him within three months, which was my first big mistake.
Moving in with someone so fast (and so young) really opens your eyes quickly. I started to see little red flags — Rob was very good at getting what he wanted by bullshitting (it truly is an art) and wasn’t above lying to others or even stealing, though his definition of that was pretty loose. He would make friends with people, and I’d see them giving him “gifts” — either money or actual gifts (that he would then sell for cash). One such person was an older lady who lived in our apartment building. Despite all the ways my body was screaming at me that something seemed off, he laughed and insisted she just saw him as the grandson she never had and that she had no other family. I found out years later that she was handing him upwards of $400 a week, and he was addicted to pain pills. Rob knew how to target vulnerable people, but I didn’t realize yet that I was one of his victims.
At this point, we were a year in, and our relationship had started to lose that patina of newness. Our fights started to include insults, which quickly turned venomous — it was so unhealthy, yet had somehow become our norm. After every fight, Rob would apologize profusely; I moved out once, but he convinced me to come back by saying how much he loved me and was invested in our relationship. Around this time, he got injured at work and was on worker’s comp for nearly a year. This started a pattern in which he would get a job, then get injured again and go on disability. Rob also took control of our finances and started to nitpick how I spent money. I didn’t realize I was changing my behavior to avoid fights, but he was grooming me. Within two years, Rob proposed to me, and I found out I was pregnant a quick four months later. So much was happening that I couldn’t think straight.
I’ll admit I wasn’t sure that I should marry Rob — he had proposed somewhat unexpectedly, and I had lots of doubts. However, once I found out I was pregnant, I really committed to him and to our family. I felt stuck, like I had no other choice because he would be in my (and my son’s) life no matter what. Plus, my sister had gotten divorced and it seemed like such a dirty word at the time; she was struggling on her own. I know now that there are always other options (and being divorced is certainly not the worst of them).
Once I was pregnant, everything started to dissolve and roll downhill. It was at this time that he admitted he was addicted to pain medication; he only admitted it to me because he had stolen my insurance card from my wallet and had gotten caught by the DEA, who was investigating the doctor he was seeing. I was terrified because I thought I was going to go to jail for something I knew nothing about. The spiral of fear, shame, and embarrassment was indescribable. He convinced me to put a retainer for an attorney on my credit card so that no one would find out. The DEA were really only interested in the doctor, so the “problem” went away. Rob cried about his addiction and how much he needed my help. I vowed to stand by his side and help him through it as a team. A few months after my son was born, we married. He knew he had me now.
Rob started spending money as he wished despite many conversations where I explained there wasn’t enough. I wasn’t sure if it was on drugs or other things, but it started not to matter; my feelings fell on deaf ears. I was the only one working, the only one bringing in an income, and I was drowning trying to keep us afloat. When I had enough of it all, I would ask him to leave; Rob refused. He claimed renter’s rights and started to recite them when we would argue — I had included him on the lease, so whether he was actually paying for the apartment or not was a moot point. I wasn’t even sure if he was right, but I was too scared to push. I couldn’t do it with him, how would I do it without him, and with a new baby?
The biggest advantage he held over me was my shame and embarrassment — for being with him, his addiction, and not wanting to let on to my family what was really going on (or how unhappy I was). He had successfully isolated me from both my friends and my family, and I felt like telling them the truth was out of the question. When we would fight, he would grab my wallet and my credit cards and threaten to go “spend my money” — and what could I do then? When I would try to grab them back, he’d wave his arm up in the air and scream for me to “stop hitting him” in hopes our neighbors would hear. He had no limits — he excelled at pushing buttons, and in turn, perfected reacting calmly to make me even more irate (and question if I was the problem, like he would say I was, as he gaslighted me). He simply used my fear of admitting failure to keep ruining my life because he knew I was too afraid to leave. We were evicted from our apartment for failure to pay, and on my first Mother’s Day, I was busy unpacking boxes in my new home — my in-laws’ house. I watched as everything I had go to ruin — my savings, my credit score, and most of all, my pride.
My son was 4 months old when Rob announced he was going to rehab — he left a day later, and I was left figuring out how to pay for his needs there (my insurance paid for his stay, but I was responsible otherwise), rearranging my work schedule without letting on what was really happening at home (again, the shame), and most of all, taking care of my 4-month-old and simultaneously taking care of myself. At this time, piles of bills began to come in the mail — bills I didn’t recognize. It was then that I realized he had opened accounts in my name — even my engagement ring was bought in my name. I fell into a deep depression.
I felt betrayed, but mostly very stupid. Even recalling this, I’m not sure how I managed to look the other way so many times; sometimes it is more difficult to admit there’s something wrong than to pretend there isn’t a problem and brush it off. Denial is a powerful force. I also felt very hopeless — in fact, I wasn’t able to leave him. I was still too embarrassed to admit the truth to my family, and not sure how I would afford childcare on my own. People say “just leave,” but it’s not that simple with a young child. We were now living in an apartment I rented from a family member, so he again had it over my head — he refused to leave “his” apartment. He used me for a little bit longer until he met another woman; it wasn’t until he decided to leave me two years later that I was able to start rebuilding my life. I had to file bankruptcy and work slowly to get back to where I was, but there is hope — I have a better life today than I did then, and I am solely providing for my son.
From enduring all of this, here are the signs of financial abuse I now know to watch out for:
1. Your partner acts in ways that sabotage your career or your job. 2. Money is missing from your account(s). 3. Your partner pressures you to make certain financial choices, or sign documents you don’t want to sign. 4. Your partner scrutinizes and criticizes your spending, even while they spend freely (and carelessly). 5. Your partner expects you to bail them out of sticky situations. 6. They convince you to put everything in your name (apartment, house, car, etc.) because you have better credit (until they ruin it). 7. Your partner handles the mail and you never see what is coming in. 8. Your partner refuses to work; or alternately, refuses to let you work, holding control over you/the money.
I now know that I should have confided in my friends and family the minute something was off; keeping up a facade didn’t help anyone, and people that love you know when you’re unhappy anyway. I could have saved myself years of struggling if I had recognized the signs and spoken up. Keep an eye out for these signs of financial abuse to protect yourself — and your bank account.
*name has been changed
Karen works in the beauty industry by day and is a freelance writer by night. She loves goofing off with her son, good music, and a full glass of rosé.
Image via Unsplash
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Source: https://thefinancialdiet.com/8-red-flags-i-know-to-watch-out-for-after-being-a-victim-of-financial-abuse/
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