#journaling which ive done consistently for a few years now

[skunkes]

[goober1475]

An Odyssey in Time (pt.1)

On a boiling night in late June I woke up in a cold sweat and sporting a parched throat. Water, I needed some water. Reaching for the metal flask I swore in frustration when I found it empty. I would have to get up at...01:03 A.M. in the morning...in the dark, to get water. Great.

Sauntering into the kitchen with a sleepy look on my face, I moved to turn on the countertop lights. Flickering, buzzing and then growing silent, a warm glow which barely shed light on a quarter of the room illuminated my face. A gaunt pale visage stared back at me from my window. After surveying my appearance for a moment, I moved to the fridge.

Knowing the heat I wouldn't be able to sleep for a while, so I searched for a snack like a blind mole. Focaccia and hummus would do.

After refilling my bottle and taking a sip I cringed in disgust.Although fresh, the water tasted rancid. Even my dehydrated organs churned in discomfort. I had consistently forgotten to wash my water bottle, causing the contents itself to go bad. Screwing my face up in displeasure, I poured the water out and let the bottle soak in some soapy water for a while.

I busied my hands while waiting by refilling the water filter, watching the liquid slowly drip into the second compartment.

Leaning back on the counter, I barely registered the pain digging into my hip caused by a corner of the work top. Staring at the water dripping and focusing on the gentle hum of the lights, I closed my eyes in thought.

Exams for the year were finished, projects complete, extracurriculars over and all but one of my papers for the year published.

For some unexplainable reason it still felt like I hadn't done enough. I had started slacking with my art, was that it? It didn't feel like it. Oh well. It was only the end of my first year in University and considering everyone else I had done rather well.

There was a sinfully pleasurable feeling to learning. It was as if I was Eve accepting the apple of knowledge from Lucifer. His deceptive promises and great praises luring me further and further away from others. The act of displaying my prowess in a multitude of areas felt better than any alcohol. The congratulations I received from my professors after winning an academic prize or reading my own work in a journal could be beaten by no high. I was sure of this. The water had stopped dripping from the filter's first compartment.

Slowly walking back to my room, I precariously balanced my snack and water bottle with one hand an opened my bedroom door with the other. I stumbled over my latest paper strewn over the floor. I hoped to have it published in a medieval journal but was yet to proofread.

Might as well reread it now.

I gathered the papers together and sidled over to my already cramped desk. A half finished set of watercolours, stacks of paper and a few piles of books were neatly stacked in any available spaces. Settling down into my chair, I started to work through the essay.

It was on King Baldwin IV and his ruling of Jerusalem, discussing whether or not his rule was successful or not.

It was 02:00 A.M. by the time I had finished reading and I fell back onto my bed exhausted. I stayed on top of the covers and basked in the momentary cool breeze coming from my window as I drifted off.

Dreams of crusades and beautiful walled cities dominated my dreams. I was a knight and was travelling to Jerusalem on a dirt road. A great battle was to take place and I had been called to fight.

Sword secured at my hip, I quietly surveyed the landscape. A warm blue sky inhabited by a swelteringly hot sun which burned the back of my exposed neck contained not a cloud. Great hills as barren as the sky above loomed over me. The only manmade object was a sign pointing my way. My horse trudged on and I gave her a pat in sympathy. she snorted unimpressed.

The great city finally came into view, its presence seemed to swallow up the previously intimidating land in its shadow. it truly looked like the seat of God.

I woke up before reaching the gates but had gotten close enough to catch sight of a figure swathed in pure whites robes watching me from the battlements. Just as I bowed my head in respect to the person who looked too holy to be human, the edges of my vision blurred. A bright sun creeped in through my eyelids as I creased my brow in frustration.

[preciadosbass]

11/8/24 [PARAGRAPH 3 & 4!!! — draft from sunday. key & significant photo/s at end]

woke up at 10:20 and made myself breakfast. i ate it outside with boris in the sun and tried my best to be productive while being on my phone [e.g, make a fursona/oc/journal entry etc.] but failed miserably. i just scrolled on tiktok and saved a few videos i could use for outfit inspiration. i went back inside after 30+ minutes, got dressed [skinless shirt, dark cargo jorts + matching bracelets consisting of spiked cuffs and band bracelets, motorbike socks] and looked up a couple can tab bracelet tutorials. i know that i don’t have enough for the particular design i want to make, but i’m getting there. my dad’s sister, my aunt, has multiple pepsis a day and has been collecting can tabs for me.

i went back next door with my sister after giving up on the bracelet for the moment and saying goodbye to boris. when i arrived i just sat on my own while my sister went on the swings. a group of girls my age walked past and laughed at me and after a few minutes i got called over with the other kids to make a keyring. i honestly much preferred that but i think the staff thought i was a part of the actual camp anyways so i don’t think i had much choice either way. i picked out a star shaped template and a blue floral sticker to go on it. i stuck it on, but couldn’t cut around the star completely — so i put it in my bag for another time at home where i can use one of those tiny knives to carve all the imperfections out.

once id done i went back over to the bouncy castle. this time round, only 8 people were allowed on it at a time and this younger girl was being really bratty about it, as in acting like she owned the place, which was odd, because yesterday it was fine and nothing bad happened. but kids are just like that. she kept on going around to people and launching herself onto them, she also decided to boot me over and over again on my bruised shin which was fun 😭. i tried telling her we don’t even know eachother and ive just been sitting there but she didn’t care. she kicked me and almost everyone else off using her sister that was my age so i got off and just sat beside it while people watching.

the same member of staff from the keyrings sat next to me and just exclaimed ‘panic! at the disco?’ — reffering to my panic! band bracelet. i nodded and she started speaking about liking that type of music too. more when she was younger, but she’s still into it, she said. she took out her phone and started asking me if i’ve been to see any live bands. i told her about me seeing the mcr + fall out boy tributes, pierce the veil, cavalera conspiracy, and my upcoming concerts. [slipknot, falling in reverse, possibly the tributes again but idk was its the day before fir]. she started speaking about how she has family in scotland and therefor goes to festivals there a lot and then casually says she’s seen fall out boy 4+ TIMES??? i literally could’ve curled up and died right there and then after hearing that come out of her mouth.

she also spoke to me about seeing slipknot 20 years ago, and then she showed me one of her friends instagram pages. then she came out with that that friend, has another friend, who is the sibling of someone from PIERCE THE VEIL?? WHAT THE FUCK. i was so taken aback but she unfortunately couldn’t remember what their name was because they were told years ago now — and she couldn’t find pictures of them together despite trying as the friend is a concert photographer and it’s importable to sort through the thousands of photos.

i out of interest asked if she’d seen linkin park and she said she did at milton keynes in 2008?? with jayZ?? RAAA. i got told that everyone was leaving in 30 minutes so i stayed speaking to her until people started loading themselves onto their coach and i set off for home. it was really cool speaking to that woman and its a shame i’ll probably never see her again or get to know any more info. although it was awesome meeting someone like me that was quite a lot older. when i got home i fussed boris on the driveway and had a 20 minute nap before leaving for my other aunts house [6pm]. i said goodbye to boris, and on the way to the car, my dad showed me this injured butterfly. it was a shame because it looked so young. i held it and then placed it onto a bush before leaving. [photo at end]

since the concert, i’ve been listening to the setlist on repeat. so i obviously did even more on the way to my aunts, although the drive is really short. once i got there i stayed in the living room for a bit and greeted the family of mine that was there. there was only my grandad, his fiancé, my aunt + uncle, and one of my cousins girlfriends there. that cousin in question is on holiday, the other moved out, and the other also moved out. i didn’t really know what to speak about and my parents sparked a conversation between the others anyway so i went to see what my sister was up to. she was playing fnaf security breach so i watched her.

i had my phone out ready to record her getting jumpscared and i caught a video of her doing exactly that over moondrop. i’m surprised that i’ve never watched anyone play security breach before even though i was really excited when it came out. i don’t usually watch my sister play stuff unless it’s the last of us/the evil within/silent hill at 8:30 i stopped watching jay and went for a walk with my mum, dad, aunt, + grandads fiancé. [+ archie and my aunts dog, charlie.] we couldn’t be too long because charlie has bad diabetes and can’t do much now. we came across one of my aunts friends on our way, she accidentally called me he and didn’t correct herself which made me feel SO euphoric considering i’m not out.

she spoke about lifeguarding or something and once done, we went round to this field i used to always play in as a kid. i went in the park to spark some nostalgia and my dad pushed me on a swing for the first time since i was like 7. we walked for about 40 minutes. once i got back to my aunts i went on pinterest to look at some diys. i saved a photo example of how to make a can tab bracelet, a cardboard minecraft sword, a cardboard coffin shelf, a little fairy/elf house thing made up of pebbles, a cardboard direction sign, a bottlecap tortoise, and a number of other things i dont know how to explain. after i couldnt seem to find anything else, i watched my sister play fnaf a bit more. we had to leave so i stopped and got ready for home at 12.

i don’t really remember what i did when i got home, but it would’ve been the same as always. maybe a small nap, then obviously questions about boris, then i say goodnight to boris. i went to sleep at 3.

🗝️ — boris/my cat, archie/my family’s dog

have a good day/night O_o

[cassie-moore]

Well its time write out the feelings i just bottle in heart

Im trying to be better about letting them out

Transfer this to the new journal but then close it. Make it the last entry

I dont know how to start- just let it flow out. My first thought is how she can say WTAF when she just gets flown everywhere and handed everything. Most importantly, his time and attention

But then there’s me.. who am i to him. As if i dont sense a world of stuff spanning so many and then the back and forth ive been dealing with that same WTAF for over three years. Zero comfort from him. Earning three worlds full more than her…with zero reward. The absolutely adorable Phoenix and i think of Coconut and her love for pit bulls. Phi Phi just gone. Coconut the most cuddly and sweet would loveee to be curled up w him like she is me now. His recording studio, the red stairway, all the things, all this shit ive never gotten to share or quietly talk thru with him.

The man i remember - he thinks i dont know but somehow i do.

He has no idea how strong ive had to be and from what i hear she got more fun and i just see

“Gotta work 😈”

It feels like reward the lazy, and step on the quality - i pretend not to notice the jerky when he does stuff or the cryptic posts. But i am done receiving cryptics. Im so much better than this chick and he doesnt seem to even get it. Or how i am not just better, but also better for him.

Him.

I want real connection

I am real and quality. I deserve real. I deserve to be kissed. I deserve new friendships. I love flowers so much but he doesnt know how i am with nature or gardening or roses or tulips. Ive watched everyone get them from him and have songs written for them, ive watched her get flown to places and then pout when she doesnt get more out of him. Hell, i dont pout at all. Ive never pouted in my life.

Like today. Waking up to what i did and just pushing it down after saying to myself in the mirror, “it may be that same WTAF that she likes to always throw at him on the gram, but everything happens for a reason”

And the gram, his fans said she was prob told by him to slow her roll on the gram for a few weeks but the sec shes comfortable again, she bounces rt bk to her same posts that consist of her selfies and secret (that actually arent secret story messages to him🙄) It did. And here we are.

I want my man back. I dont know where he went. My work is amazing. I want to be able to share the music with him. I want real. I dont deserve to be tabled, im not some bet or gamble, im solid every which way and wonder… even in my brokenness. Which i save for the privacy of my little so called garden around my heart.

I deserve real.

And the shittiest part about it all before all this instagram scamming me of people pretending to be on his team and telling me to say the things i said combined w my humor bc they wanted to play w him. Had i just been able to go back and be smarter about the bullshit that comes in “Fandoms” (something i have never been a part of and have utterly ZERO experience with bc im not that kind of fan) … had i been able to go back to the beginning,

The Gerald back then would have understood. I want that Gerald back so fucking bad, i cant think about it or i start to get tears

[uncloseted]

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

[heartbreakgrill]

Circles; Harry Styles Pt. 2

“Remember Frankie? From World History? She has a baby now,” you remarked, voice like lyrics over the rhythm of your white tennis shoes and Harry’s leather boots stepping in time on the concrete bike path.

Leaves occasionally fell, crunching under your feet, sticks and stones on the path being kicked or broken away. The fall wind blew gently, waving strands of your air in front of your face. You had decided against lipgloss, luckily because your hair was so unruly. Harry’s curls, a beautiful feature of his which you always admired, were flopping with each step. You found your eyes trailing from his cheek to his hair consistently, simply admiring. He didn’t catch on much, his own focus glancing between you and the ground beneath his feet.

Lunch had been wonderful. He took to you the local pub, where you sat in the corner, knees bumping against each other after every movement. You shared a basket of fries, ate your own sandwiches and drinks. You caught up on everything: Your studies in London, who your friends were these days, the last boy who broke your heart. He told you about Louis and Niall, and only a little of Liam and Zayn. He explained the sketchiness of his management, the stress of touring, but his excitement on stage. You admitted to have listened to his two albums the night before and told him Little Thins became a quick favorite. You told him about your plan to move to New York when you finished University in order to delve into the world of international journalism.

After lunch, you didn’t want to leave one another, lingering in front of the door, still chatting, when you remembered the local bike trails. (“Gosh, I haven’t been there in forever.” “Same here.”)

So, now, you were strolling along, hands in pockets and elbows bumping somewhat. He replied to your comment about a forgotten classmate with, “God, its strange to think about people we know having children. Were only 19.”

You shrugged, “That’s normal around here, I guess. People settle down straight away, let go of their dreams for simpler, easier things.”

“I could’ve done that,” Harry spoke with a whispery tone. “Sometimes I wish I would’ve.”

You didn’t want to poke and prod at a comment that could turn into something bigger and moved on. “You’ve got money. Be happy.” Of course, this was a joke.

Harry laughed, “Money cant buy happiness.”

“Oh, I’m sure it could buy mine.” He glanced at you inquisitively. “Well, Im constantly stressed in London because of work and school. Its stressful and exhausting paying for my apartment and class and food and life.”

Harry frowned somewhat, “That’s part of the reason I hate it sometimes. I’m so lucky and undeserving of all I get just because I can sing and I’m attractive. You work so hard for what you have and you still struggle. It’s unfair.”

You retrieved your hand from your pocket and pushed him lightly, “I’m just confused as to who said you were attractive.”

He blushed deeply, his eyes downcast and shy. Suddenly he met your eyes and shrugged his shoulders. “You did say I was cute.”

Your own cheeks quickly turned red. “I’m gonna avoid my problems.” Your pace quickened and you began to walk away from Harry.

He giggled, emitting a grin on your face, and walked fast. Harry reached out and grabbed you around the waste, spinning you around in his arms. You caught yourself on his shoulders, feeling his warm breath combat the cold on your cheeks. He grinned cheekily down at you, eyebrows raised.

“I didn’t lie,” you unashamedly spoke. “Ive always thought you were cute. Hell, the only reason I came to the bakery so much was because of you.”

“What about the muffins?” He mused.

“Harry, a girl gets sick of eating muffins every single Saturday for 2 years in a row.”

He chuckled, squeezing your waist gently. But, then, his eyes fell slightly, his lips molding into a frown. His grip loosened and he almost stepped back. But, he didn’t. “Do you wanna go on a date tomorrow? With me?”

“I’d really like it if you could get Niall’s number for me, but I guess you’ll do,” you whipped your head around in exclamation.

He scoffed, laughing loudly, before pulling you against his chest. You just stood there, hugging each other lightly, though you were shivering in the breeze. Soon after, he walked you home and even kissed your cheek prior to leaving. You giddily walked up to your bedroom, bare of much decoration because of your schooling situation. You closed the door and leant against like a heartsick teenager. You felt the same way you did two years ago, head over innocent heels for some stupid boy. You didn’t know if this would work, given your future career and his present one. You didn’t know what his favorite color was, but he did telll you his favorite way to drink tea. You didn’t know who his childhood cartoon crush was, but you knew that when he looked at you, your stomach was in flames.

You didn’t know what you would regret in the future, as no one does. So you decided to jump.

-

Harry had definitely gone on Pinterest.

When you opened your door (only knowing he would be arriving at the time he did because you spent the entire afternoon, night, and morning texting one another) you immediately smelled the sweet fragrance of men’s cologne. It was nice, slightly overwhelming, but nice nonetheless. He held a bouquet of red roses, your favorite because you told him you were a fan of cliches. He wore a jade green button-up, short-sleeve dress shirt. It was obviously new, given away by the fact that there were creases in his sleeves. (His favorite color was ocean blue, by the way, and yours was the color of his shirt.) In his other hand was a picnic basket, which he held up to you after he handed off the roses.

“It’s freezing outside, Harry,” you giggled whilst motioning him to step inside. He did, following you into the kitchen.

You set the roses up in a vase as he replied, “I know. But its okay because I have a really nice idea.”

“Okay, I trust you,” you spoke reassuringly. You turned towards him from your spot by the counter.

Harry’s eyes trailed over your figure, clad in a long-sleeve, ocean blue wrap top tucked into a pair of blue jeans which stopped just above your black ankle boots. Gold jewelry dangled above the neckline and from your ears, your hair tied up in a low messy bun which took too much effort. “You look lovely, by the way.”

“You, too,” you grinned, meeting his eyes. “Guess we both thought of impressing one another.”

“I went to three different stores to find this,” he spoke as you began to lead him back to the front door.

“Uh, me, too. Don’t act so special,” you grabbed your coat off the rack and slipped your arms through it. Harry laughed.

You bid farewell to your parents, who were watching television in the living room. They gushed over Harry, about to ask him a million questions when you said, “Dinner reservations, sorry, got to go!”

You grabbed his hand and pulled him out the door. You didn’t let go, and neither did he, but he had to in order to open your door. You hadn’t expected this and hesitantly slid into the passenger seat. “Thanks.” You told him once he started the car.

After a few moments of adjustable, comfortable silence, you piped up again, “So, where exactly are we going?”

“You’ll see.”

You arrived to a park two towns over after half an hour. It was massive, with lookout spots all over the hills. He parked in one with the trunk of his mum’s car facing out over the countryside. He opened your door for you, again, and led you to the back of the car.

“Okay, Ted Bundy,” you giggled lightly, walking ahead of him.

“Oh, please, I dont want to kill you,” he scoffed, popping the trunk. “At least not until the nights over.”

“Why not?” You held his eyes, not yet looking to the trunk.

He shrugged, “Because I have to get a goodnight kiss first.”

He left you stunned, cheeks red and eyes wide. Harry sat down in the trunk, leaning back against the pillows and blankets decorating the small space. You grinned at him, as he was awaiting your reaction. He leant a hand and helped you settle next to him. You both crossed your legs in order for him to set the picnic basket down. He shut the trunk, the heater cranked up and the radio playing.

“Were wasting so much gas,” you laughed, shedding your coat.

Harry took it from you, folded it, and set it on the folded down back seats. He took off his own, “Dont worry about it. I’m rich, remember?”

You tossed your head back with a loud laugh. The hours flew by from there on: He had made finger sandwiches, which you ate with liberation, and homemade lemonade packaged in a thermos. His mother helped him melt chocolate and cover strawberries in it. He had even made a mini cake at the bakery and packaged it all nicely for you two to share. You talked about everything you hadn’t already discussed: Music, books, television, his supporting act on tour, your favorite professors. You told him about your dumb job waitressing, about the lady who had tipped you one-hundred euros.

Once you were done, you helped him pack up the trash. He set the picnic basket in the front seat before shutting off the car. The sunroof was closed, but the stars were visible through it. He laid down on the blankets, head smushing the pillows. You sat there for a moment, feeling slightly awkward, before he motioned for you to lay down, too.

You cleared your throat, face hot and body stiff, before doing so. There were barely a few inches between you, but Harry made sure there were none. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders and tugged you into him. You took the liberation to lean your head on his chest and lay your arm across his stomach. No words were exchanged, but they didn’t need to be. Everything that you could learn had probably already been said: Deeper stories, moments, could be exchanged later. A bond was now established and you already knew what was coming.

For now, you could only enjoy the moments that he was here: His hand in yours when he drove you home; hand in yours as you led him to the front door; lazily smiling down at you; a gentle, comforting hug; his eyes flickering between yours, your lips; his breath fanning closer until he stole his goodnight kiss.

“Guess you can kill me now.”

TAG LIST: @mantlereid , @boxofteenageideas , @dinosaursandsocks @ashhdaniellee95 @heartbreakcity @sadhwstudent

[eternaleve]

Watching A Broken Frame music videos for the first time!

Carrying on with my Depeche Mode video rewatch project with the vids for A Broken Frame (first post is found here https://eternaleve.tumblr.com/post/624649762286780416/ive-spent-the-course-of-covid-lockdown-cycling)

I looked through my vinyl and found I did not steal my mother’s Depeche Mode singles from this album (I only stole all her Elvis Costello and Joy Division and a bunch of Japan singles which I suspect she snuck to me in hopes of making me like them) but they are all mysteriously gone. My abusive stepdad recently moved out and I have thoughts about what property he took, but this just seems petty. 

Anyway, let’s talk about A Broken Frame! Vince Clarke left the band to go and be the Paul McCartney of 80s electronic music, forming Yazoo and Erasure. Apparently he did not like success and touring and stuff, which is far because it’s a lot of pressure, so he’s out and Alan Wilder is in after responding to an ad in Melody Maker. Remember music journalism? He joined as a tour keyboardist and appears in the videos for the album, but didn’t contribute to the album.

 A Broken Frame was released eleven months after Speak & Spell, which doesn’t seem to be enough time to me for a band to create another whole album's worth of material. It just seems that a band spends a few years perfecting their sound and a selection of songs, and then a record label says, ‘Great! Now do the same thing, but in a much shorter timeframe, under much more stress, and in snatched moments between being shuttled from gig venue to gig venue!’. I understand there’s a ~hype train~ that music acts have to follow, because bands can slip out of notice so fricking quickly, but the pressure does not seem set up to maintain the mental and emotional well-being of people. I’m sure nothing like that will happen in the history of this bad though!

This album cover is considered one of the world’s greatest photographs for a reason. It’s stark and beautiful and has echoes of socialist realism and is just a really striking image. I don’t know who has final say over art direction in the band but whoever does has a great eye for images. The picture is taken over by Duxford and as I’m from the Midlands I have been to Duxford on a hundred school trips (it has a big air centre with WW2 planes and things and bits of the Berlin Wall), so I’ve probably been past this field an uncountable number of times without even realising it.

See You (Jan 1982, No 6 UK charts)

I like how it looks like fuzzy felt. It feels very, very different from the singles art from the last album, I guess to indicate a clear difference in direction? Maybe? This is the first single for the band written by Martin Gore and starting his reign as songwriter.

All the music videos for this album were directed by Julien Temple and are Not Liked by the band. I generally quite like Julien Temple’s work and watched a lot of it as a teen (stepdad being hugely into the Pistols), so I am intrigued to say the least how these will turn out to be.

This does give me a bit of a nostalgia kick for an old-fashioned style train station. It’s pretty much what my home station used to look like before everything was privatised, bought out by Virgin, turned bright red and full of commuters. I like how the station sparks to the beat of the music and that someone okayed an actual spending budget for this time around.

YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE STATION THE PHOTOBOOTH IS HAUNTED

Not going to lie, this looks 100% like my Dad’s first ever passport photo. I like the addition of the bowtie. It adds a real ‘First Communion’ vibe to the whole look. The nose stud… well, I had a nose stud at the exact same period of my life. Same age too, I think, only mine stayed around a lot longer when it definitely should not have done.

It was at that moment he knew he had made a grave mistake in confronting the ‘Telephone Box Killer’ on his own.

Insert a standard ‘Original Selfie’ joke here. The use of the photobooth gives a cute little through line in the video, as well as giving other band members a chance to be present. I remember using photobooths to take fun photos, before they started costing so much goddamned money and put them only in the most inconvenient places. I still have a bunch that I keep in my purse.

… And now everyone’s working an office job? To show the passage of time? Or because it’s now a bit with music, so we’re showing the use of keyboards through office equipment that sort of requires you to make similar hand movements?

Something, something, statement about technology? The photobooth theme was fine! It was cute! It said something about the regret and passage of time from teen to young adult romance! Why are there now a lot of calculators?

Just in case you forgot - the single’s out now. Wink, wink.

But let’s go back and check in with our corporate overlords. Bob, how are you doing on the spyware floor?

… is this Julien Temple? Is it a music video within a music video? Did he put himself in the video? Could this part not have been done by a member of the band? Like, y’know, that new one who was clearly added in partly through this video?

I like the main core storyline of the video - thinking about a past relationship and then happening to run into them again unexpectedly - but I can see why this is perhaps not well thought of. Next one!

The Meaning of Love (April 82, No 12 UK charts)

This reminds me a lot of the cover for the first Adrian Mole book which was published the same year. It does not match the first single at all or the album, but I guess the album art was yet to be done? Or maybe two different departments handled them, because I would have gone with a different single cover if I knew that one of the greatest photographs of all time was in the wings for the album.

Reader, my heart dropped. I knew we were in for some deeply 80s bullshit. And, like, not good 80s bullshit.

This is the lounge act in the cruiseship of my nightmares

Martin Gore there looking like 99% of the lesbians on the DIY punk scene.

What the fuck is going on?

What, and I must reiterate, the fuck is going on? Are those pies? Pie eyes? Pie eye glasses? What does it mean?

Now’s not the time for your science homework, it’s time to film a music video.

Great, I know what image will be repeating in my night terrors tonight. Martin Gore’s face earnestly singing at me from the depths of a paramecium.

THIS JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE. THERE IS NO SITUATION ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET MADE BETTER WITH PUPPETS.

No, my night paralysis nightmare will be Dave Gahan’s face turning into a fucking pie over and over and over again.

Oh, I see, the Meaning of Love is that your wife will turn into a bitter harpy that won’t let you live your dream and also your life is ruined because she keeps letting the puppets sleep in the bed.

I guess the video has a sort of XTC vibe? It does remind me of the video of ‘Making Plans for Nigel’, which I do like, but also this video is fucking awful should be seen to be believed. I liked the band’s awkward choreography which was four men showing how much they did not want to be doing any of this.

Leave In Silence (August 82, No 18)

The font is nice. That’s about all there is to say for this. It doesn’t match the other two singles. I’m not saying everything has to be matchy-matchy, but it is nice to have visual similarity and consistency. This looks like the record label gave up on trying.

Okay, so we’ve got the album art sorted and starting out with a - I guess you could call it ‘low rural farming vocalisation’, and neither of these two things match the other singles or music videos, which have had a very poppy, teen girl, Smash Hits vibe. 

This week on The Generation Game, you could win a stainless steel bowl, a cuddly toy, and the lead singer of Depeche Mode!

This video started with a group of people vocalising while pouring out grain and looking very plaguecore, now we’re all playing around on a conveyor belt because I think Julien Temple has run out of ideas and is being artsy and surreal and weird to cover that up.

Ladies and gentleman, I’m sad to say that ‘The Fanciest Little Cowboy’ competition will not be running this year due to a lack of other contestants. This is a very fancy Little Cowboy though.

…. I…. what? 

I have seen many bad, bad, bad cursed images in my time, but this is going straight up to the top. What the fuck does this say about the song? The band? The image the record label is trying to project? This pointless weird imagery for the sake of being pointless and weird.

It’s okay, Jess. Bright Red Martin Gore can’t really hurt you. Only haunt you.

And now spacehoppers. Because of course spacehoppers!

The players from Pathologic show up to make a cameo appearance, matching nothing in the video, and seeming wildly out of place with everything else. Pick a theme or story, Julien! It is EITHER the Generation Game OR a terrifying children’s show OR guttural Soviet inspired plaguecore. You can pick one! Not all of them!

The Blue Man Group really had a rough start. The wheat is… just there. Because I guess Julien Temple couldn’t think of how to organically weave it an advertisement for the album. So there’s just a bundle of wheat for no good reason.

By this point, same, mate. That is the only reaction I am having.

These videos were… not great. I think ‘See You’ is the best and most cohesive - it tells a cute little story that ties in with the themes of the song and provides an emotional resonance. And then things just go off the bloody chain a bit. They get weird and experimental in a way that does not work in selling the band or the song. They seem pretty disconnected from what a music video should be and Julien Temple seemed to just run out of ideas by ‘Leave In Silence’. C- Mr Temple, must try harder.

And then onto Construction Time Again! ... well, when I get round to it. In a few days maybe.

[vincent-frankenstein]

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half. 

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day. 

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too. 

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort 

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep. 

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it  as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

[mthrodrgns1315]

Here We Go...

Hyperemesis Gravidarum:

noun

persistent severe vomiting leading to weight loss and dehydration, as a condition occurring during pregnancy.

Most people by now know of Kate Middleton's multiple hospitalizations as a result of her severe Hyperemesis Gravidarum. We've heard of her sickness, her hospitalizations, her emergency IV fluids, etc. We also heard the media downplay it, which was absolutely heartbreaking for those of us in the general public who also suffered from it.

Like Princess Kate, I also suffered from it. Twice. They were the two worst experiences of my life (aside from losing my beloved cat and everything my little family owned in the Paradise, CA Camp Fire on November 8, 2018). Throwing up every 15 minutes like clockwork, all day and all night, unable to eat or drink anything, being hospitalized and requiring emergency IV fluids (a challenge in itself because I was so severely dehydrated that my veins collapsed), wishing for anything to make it stop, losing 30 pounds in two weeks, being starving but unable to eat. Every. Single. Day. For four straight months. Twice. And compared to most fellow HG sufferers, I had it easy!

But I was promised that giving birth would be the end of it all. That, as soon as I held my little baby in my arms, as soon as I welcomed them into the world, it would all end. Like magic. Boom. Over. Done. And while the constant vomiting did end as soon as I gave birth, and while I was able to eat chicken nuggets (or everything for that matter, but chicken nuggets were my biggest craving) for my first postpartum meal, the magical end to it all was...not a lie, but definitely not as promised. I can't call it a lie, because Hyperemesis Gravidarum is researched so rarely and has been studied so little, that no doctor knows all the effects (short or long-term) of it yet.

For myself, and a very large majority of the women in the Hyperemesis Gravidarum survivor's group on Facebook, the after effects consist of regular and unexplainable nausea, gallbladder disease, PTSD, anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and eating disorders (overwhelmingly binge eating).

When I gave birth to my kids, I had dropped to my lowest weight ever: 135 lbs. Which is typically an ideal weight for my height, but I had been literally starved down to that weight. So although my weight was healthy, I did not, in ANY way, look healthy. My eyes were dark and sunken. My cheeks were hollow, my collar bones jutted out, I was anemic, etc. It's been seven years since my first HG pregnancy, and my relationship with food is anything but healthy now. In one year since having my youngest (now 5), I ballooned from 135 to 200 lbs. I have since been diagnosed with a binge eating disorder and have been struggling greatly to overcome it. My reactions to food are extremely unhealthy, because to my brain, survival mode has become permanent. There is a constant uncertainty on when I will be able to have my next meal, or if I will be able to keep down the one I've just finished. As a result, I eat as much as I can (until it is literally painful for me before I've even left the friggin table), as often as I can. I get highly defensive over my food, basically behaving much in the same way as a dog with resource guarding problems does. Because it's mine. MY food. If I don't eat it all right this very second, eat every single morsel, I will pay for it later. I will starve to death. I will throw it all up. I will, once again, end up in the hospital, being poked and prodded with thick needles as an entourage of nurses attempt multiple veins across my arms, hands, and fingers to administer IV fluids. Of course, none of this comes true anymore. I can no longer have kids. My OB/GYN saw to that when she "obliterated my tubes." Just picturing being pregnant again makes my entire body shake it scares me so much. I am absolutely terrified I will end up pregnant again through some freak accident of nature.

And even though I KNOW all this, even though the rational and logical side of my brain is more than well aware of these facts, the part that is still gripped by PTSD after all these years is what controls my actions regarding food in the end. My weight number continues to grow, as does my jeans size and waistline (and boobs, much to my dismay).

So here I am, doing a public journaling of sorts, hoping that having some public accountability will help me push through the mental issues in the aftermath of multiple HG pregnancies. My goal is to get down to my ideal weight of, ironically, 135 lbs (a healthy weight for my height), but this time, I will do it in a healthy way. I won't restrict my eating, doing fad diets or by starving myself (as I've, sadly, tried before). This time, I'm going to exercise, starting slowly and working on making it a daily habit rather than forcing it, and I will work on rationalizing through my anxiety and fear surrounding food, while also working to portion out my food better. My hope, is that I will become a healthier person, more mentally than physically. Because, to be honest, it isn't even really the weight that bothers me. Most people tell me I don't look 200 lbs (thanks to an hourglass figure that gains weight proportionately). It is the physical effects of that weight that bothers me: my knees always hurt, I am constantly tired, etc. But more importantly, it's the mental effects this eating disorder causes that really, truly bothers me. It is the main reason for my depression, for my anxiety. Because every time I binge, I feel terrible afterward. I am in literal physical pain, and I feel guilty; I've snapped at my kids who just wanted one tiny bite (just a little taste), I feel guilty for letting myself do it again, I feel physically exhausted and even more depressed, and I feel absolutely stupid for ignoring the rational part of my brain again and letting my trauma take over, I feel just generally...terrible.

I'm gonna try to post daily, working through my progress and (let's be real) setbacks, my thoughts and mental changes, my moments of logic, my downfalls, and my triumphs. I, in no way, expect this to be easy. I know this will be hard, but I made it through HG twice. I can do this too, eventually. And maybe I can help women in the same position I'm in along the way.

Well, now that I've rambled for a few pages, here I go.

[svetlanabelikova]

Journaling IV

content warning:

bodily functions 

weight talk

time for another update:

i had my super fun X-ray on monday (9.29.19) morning. it was weird. i stood on a weird platform, in a surgical gown, and had 3 dudes stand around and tell me weird ways to twist and bend my body so they could take the best pictures of my insides all while having to drink poison that had the consistency of chalk dissolved in white glue. it was wild. the assistant was nice. he stood around with me and we just talked a bit. he was awkward,,, i was awkward. it was both better and worse than the CT scan i got last year. worse by which, back then i just laid on a rolling table with a warm blanket on me and a pillow under my knees. i was alone in the room and the technician just told me what to do through a speaker system from the next room, or the machine talked to me through a little robot face on a screen whereas this was 3 strange men and i felt naked in that stupid surgical gown. i was glad i decided to wear leggings and they let me keep them on but still. i had to take off my bra (even tho it is a sports bra but whatever) and all my earrings, which i never take out, as well as the ring i’ve worn every second for the last like, 10 years. this ring means a lot to me in what it is, what it represents and what it carries so that didn’t help.  it was better in that i didn’t have to drink as much poison as last time. for the CT scan, they were looking more at my lower GI, so i had to drink 2 bottles worth of barium: 1 bottle 1 hour before my appointment, half a bottle half an hour before and the last half i had to chug right before i went in. they were trying to map out my entire GI system whereas this was watching my upper GI work in real time.  first i had to stand up and drink the thick barium mixture (and also basically medical grade Alke-seltzer to blow me up like a balloon animal-- and then i was told i had to just old my burps in or it would ruin the pictures so that was cool), which as i mentioned, was not great. i was never the kid in class that ate glue (i liked to pour it on my hand, let it dry then pretend to be shedding like a snake), but if i had to liken it to something, that would be it. it was so heavy in the cup, it was wild. but it wasn’t smooth like glue, it was gritty. there was no flavor to it other than you know, chemical-y. i had to gather a mouthful, fill my cheeks like a little gerbil, wait for the machine to get into place and the doctor to trigger the program by which he would say “ok swallow” and the machine would track the barium down my esophagus. i did that a couple times then they casually said “ok, turn around and look at the table behind you.” which i did, it was a lovely table. “now we are going to tip the table back and you will be laying on your stomach.” excuseth me?! they wouldn’t even let me get off the table while it tranformer-transformed into a bed, no i just had to ride that shit like it was a rodeo. it was upsetting, my vertigo went absolutely batshit and the fact that by this point, my stomach went ‘well hang on.... you haven’t given me anything in about 11 hours so i thought this was food but this is poison anD YOU ARE ON A ROLLERCOASTER?!’ and decided the time to rebel was at hand. i was so close to barfing, im not kidding. the assistant was handing me a pillow and he could see my face lose color as i nervously began to giggle and he grabbed the little barf bag. i was so close to forcing this assistant to have to re-sterilize this stupid table/bed but i kept it together and also i had literally nothing in my stomach other than poison so that was probably helpful. the last thing i ate was a couple spoonfuls of tuna out of the can and a hardboiled egg at like 2pm the day before.  next we come to a super fun moment which i will gloss over because it was the crowning weird moment of the day: while laying on my stomach and drinking from a cup of poison, i had to swallow a mouthful of said poison, hold my breath and then bare down, so they could look for hernias. i wish not to elaborate further i just would like to thank my personal goddess that i didn’t let anything slip out either end. after that, i was pretty much done. the bed *transformer noise* returned to an upright platform and the machine coffin lid was removed so i could get down. i all but ran back to the dressing room and got my jewelry and clothing back on. we had to drive home an hour and the entire time i was covered in a sheen of cold sweats, gripping my barf bag, but was fine. later than night i was less so. yesterday (10.2.19) i met again with rupinder. she went over all 4 tests i went through over the past 2 weeks: the blood tests- were all good. my vitamins levels are great, my iron is good, my blood sugars wonderful. the only things of note were as i mentioned, my b1 levels were high but it was b/c i take biotin vitamins and my white blood cells count was flagged as high, but i let her know that i happened to get sick with a headcold literally the day after i got my blood drawn. also my blood sugars showed that i am not pre-diabetic which is great. i am not even pre- pre-diabetic yet, just on the cusp which is great for someone with a family history and who has never really bothered with watching my sugar intake. urine & stool test- good. my body is absorbing vitamins and minerals just the way that it should and also i am not on any drugs *ok hand emoji* floroscopy test-  i have a very small hital hernia, but it is so small and has been of so little impact i a) have not noticed it at all and b) it has basically done no real damage yet. everything else looks great. i have some indication of acid reflux but it is either old scars or so mild it is happening and i don’t notice it. i do have to share my favorite line from the doctor’s notes from the floroscopy though:  "The visualized stomach, duodenum and proximal small bowel are grossly unremarkable." that is possibly the meanest thing a doctor has ever said to me: grossly unremarkable. he couldn’t have just said ‘normal’ or ‘nothing of note’, no he had to come from my whole life about my disgustingly boring bowels.  anyways, we talked about that for a bit and then did some math. during our first meeting she said she wanted me to lose 50lbs before surgery, but she recalculated along with all the new information from all these tests and gave me a new weight goal. rather than getting to 300lbs even , she has raise it to 315lbs. so from the original 50 lbs i needed to lose, now it is only like 29lbs. she cut it nearly in half and also told me that i will not have to wait the full 7 months originally required by the program. basically, i have to just hit 315 lbs, make an appointment with her, she will bring in the surgeon once she verifies my weight and then we will set the surgery 6 weeks from that date. 6 weeks. that’s it. it has been 2 weeks since i first met her and i’ve already lost like 5 or 6lbs. i could be at my goal weight before or by thanksgiving and be set up to have surgery at the beginning of 2020. i know that is still 2 and 1/2 months out but, that is so much sooner than the original 7 months.  i have a few more things i have to do before then of course. i need to get an EKG to check my heart, make sure there is not arrhythmia or anything, and i need another x-ray of my chest and lungs, mostly to check in on that spot on my lung (which i saw on the floroscopy x-rays. it is actually pretty dark and right near my heart,,,, which is worrying and my anxiety will definitely remember this) in case i need a biopsy or anything. also i have to see a dietitian and a therapist. but i can take those hurdles a little at a time rather than speedrunning it like i have been for the last 2 weeks.  just need to keep on course, keep the faith that this is the right choice even if it is the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my fucking life, and keep my eyes on the prize.              

[juhlcho15-blog]

Top Guidelines Of Marvel

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A Review Of Marvel Future Fight

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[barbiecookies]

Do you script in present or future tense and what are some things that you have manifested through LOA? I'm trying to get into manifesting, but i feel I haven't quite mastered it yet.

Hey! This is gonna be a long ass post because I want to give you as much info as possible. So here we go!When I script I script in present or past tense as if it just happened or is currently happening. Don’t script in future tense because with LoA/manifesting you have to act as though its already happened or you already have it.When you script be as descriptive as possible. Describe how you felt/feel, what you are wearing, what the weather is like, everything you can. The first time I scripted, which was last week sometime i believe, i wrote 16 pages because i wanted to be as detailed as possible. Write all your scripts in a journal by hand so that its all in one place and is more authentic. Then when youre done let it go and let the universe do the rest. Thats the hardest part I have with manifesting. Letting go.Definitely go back and reread what you scripted occasionally and visualize it happening, but try not to obsess over it because then you start to put out the wrong energy and could manifest the opposite of what you want.I personally feel like i’ve manifested everything i currently have in my life at the moment. From my career to where i’m able to live. I made a post about this in the past, but in short about 5 or so years ago Erykah Badu wrote a tweet about manifesting and basically said write it down and watch it happen. I did and literally everything I wrote, which was just 3 things, has come to fruition. Now in the process I have worked hard and done what i can to help the universe help me, but opportunities were put in my path to help me get there.I dont think i ever mentioned what I wrote down because it was kind of personal. But I said I wanted to have a job/career that i loved and made enough money to efficiently care for myself and my son. I also wrote that I wanted to live more south in my county because its a more affluent area with better opportunities, especially education opportunities as far as schools go for my son.My current job ive been at for almost 4 years im making close to 6-figures and I really love my job and the owners really like me and value me as an employee. Im also able to care for myself and my son without having to live paycheck to paycheck.As far as where i live, i did move more south like 3 years ago and moved even more south 3 months ago to a more affluent area in my county and am able to maintain and still live below or within my means.I’ve always written down my intentions, which is a form of scripting, but i just learned recently about scripting and how you should be more detailed.I do feel as though the guy i am currently involved with is a manifestation of intentions i set the beginning of last year a few months before i met him. I wasnt very descriptive but just wrote down basic traits i wanted in a significant other and he is literally that plus more. Only thing is, which i wasnt detailed about, was feelings, emotions and commitment blah blah blah. But I rewrote my intentions and added more details and i do feel the dynamic of our relationship has changed lately. Also, i do refer to him as my husband, of course not to him, but its another way for me to speak what i want into existence. Literally everyone in my life refers to him as my husband too because I do so, and I feel like that is a way of manifesting as well. Might sound kinda crazy or delusional but whatever 🤷🏾‍♀️ Manifesting a specific person is another story, and online a lot of people say you cant do it, but i truly believe you can without messing with anyones free will. I’ll have to keep you updated on how that goes.So it’s important that you are detailed because the universe will troll you and give you want you want but in a form you may not want. If you want a specific mate be specific about their physical attributes too, cause the universe can bless you with all the non-physical characteristics but physically you have a baldheaded hobbit. LOL. If you’re wanting to manifest money and script or write intentions on how you will attain that money, just make sure you write something along the lines of no harm being done to anyone if you receive this money, that way nothing weird happens in the process.Anyway, I do watch a lot of youtube videos on it that gives me a better understanding. Mainly just 4 people who seem to be consistent and get results themselves. Their names are:Leeor AlexandraSam OzkuralKailyn BowmanAaron DoughtyLook them up and you’ll learn about signs that your intentions are coming to fruition and more about scripting and also letting go of the outcome. One of Sam Ozkural’s videos i want to share with you she talks about scripting and how she manifested something but wasnt descriptive about it and got it, but not in the form she actually wanted it.https://youtu.be/xgpCzUvu31AAlso, i just bought a book the dude im involved with suggested to me this past weekend, i found out hes starting to get into law of attraction too which is exciting!The name of the book is: Get What You Want- The art of making and manifesting your intentions by Tony BurroughsHope this info helped! If you have any questions let me know and I can try and answer them the best I can. Im no pro or master and am still learning and figuring stuff out myself but I do truly believe in this and feel it does work! Other things have manifested for me that i havent included cause this is already so long, but just trust the process and dont let anyone tell you that you can’t do it. You always can.

[proposalessay254]

college essays writing

About me

How To Write The Best College Essay Ever!

How To Write The Best College Essay Ever! Before I may resolve my guilt, I had to broaden my perspective of the world in addition to my obligations to my fellow humans. I became desperately dedicated to my training because I noticed knowledge as the important thing to liberating myself from the chains of ignorance. While studying about cancer in class I promised myself that I would memorize each truth and absorb each detail in textbooks and on-line medical journals. The world I come from consists of underwear, nuclear bombs, and punk rockers. My world is inherently complex, mysterious, and anti-nihilist. I am David Phan, anyone who spends his weekends debating in a 3 piece go well with, different days immersed within the punk rock culture, and a few days writing opinionated blogs about underwear. Volunteering at a cancer therapy heart has helped me discover my path. When I see patients trapped in not only the hospital but also a moment in time by their ailments, I discuss to them. When my dad and mom finally revealed to me that my grandmother had been battling liver cancer, I was twelve and I was indignant--mostly with myself. They had needed to guard me--only six years old at the time--from the complex and morose idea of demise. Hurt that my dad and mom had deceived me and resentful of my own oblivion, I dedicated myself to stopping such blindness from resurfacing. And, as I write these items down, I notice a theme of youth/old age emerging. Note that I couldn’t come up with something for the final one, “knowledge,” which is fine. Take particular care to complete the Feelings and Needs Exercise, as it may be a robust essay-outlining device. Next, the creator used the Narrative Structure to give form to his essay. For six hours a day, 3 times per week, Ivana is surrounded by IV stands, empty partitions, and busy nurses that quietly yet constantly remind her of her breast most cancers. Her face is pale and tired, yet kind--not not like my grandmother’s. The theme of your essay is the thread that connects your beads. Imagine that each completely different a part of you is a bead and that a choose few will present up in your essay. They’re not the sort of beads you’d find on a store-purchased bracelet; they’re more like the hand-painted beads on a bracelet your little brother made for you. As with the Type A essay, complete the brainstorming exercises described firstly of this chapter. No matter which construction you choose, these workout routines assist. Although I’ve lived in the identical house in Cary, North Carolina for 10 years, I actually have found and carved houses and communities which might be filled with and enriched by tradition, artists, researchers, and intellectuals. Read her essay beneath, then I’ll share more about how yow will discover your individual thematic thread. I am a diehard Duke basketball fan, and I can establish all the Duke basketball fans at my highschool on one hand. I want only to smile and say hello to see her brighten up as life returns to her face. Upon our first assembly, she opened up about her two sons, her hometown, and her knitting group--no point out of her disease. Without even standing up, the three of us—Ivana, me, and my grandmother--had taken a stroll together. However, a simple stroll on a hiking path behind my home made me open my very own eyes to the truth. Over the years, every little thing--even honoring my grandmother--had become second to highschool and grades. And as I started to think about my future, I realized that what I learned in school would allow me to silence that which had silenced my grandmother. However, I was targeted not with learning itself, but with good grades and high check scores. I started to imagine that academic perfection could be the only approach to redeem myself in her eyes--to make up for what I had not done as a granddaughter. Gingerly, my grandma stood up from the couch in the lounge, and as if lured by the smell, sat by the silver bowl and dug her palms into the spiced cabbages. As her bony palms shredded the green lips, a look of dedication grew on her face. Though her withered palms now not displayed the swiftness and precision they once did, her face showed the aged rigor of knowledgeable. For the first time in years, the scent of garlic crammed the air and the rattling of the silver bowl resonated throughout the home.

[ghostfront]

my therapist wants me to try to start writing again, namely about my progress/recovery, and i hate writing about myself and have always been bad at keeping up with any kind of a journal or consistent blog or anything but i guess i should probably at least give it the old college try so here we are i guess

i don’t want all this shit on my main blog esp bc i barely ever even use tumblr anymore as it is so i’m just gonna dump it here. it doesn’t really matter since i doubt anyone will ever read this and i might as well just make notes in my phone instead but idk i kind of like the feeling that i’m talking to someone even if it’s just the nonspecific internet at large

i don’t really know where to start... which is the other reason i don’t write much these days. i never know where to start or what to write about. i used to write so much and that feels like such an alien concept to me because no matter what i do lately i feel like i have no imagination left in me. the only writing i do anymore is rp and i’m awful at that half the time too because once again, no ideas lmao why is my brain like this

i like my new therapist a lot honestly, i don’t think anyone could ever hold a torch to l but d is good too, in different ways. i guess it’s nice to take a different approach to things because i’ve been at this for god over ten years now and been through so many therapists and so many medications and hospitalizations and all this shit and clearly what i’ve been doing has only been marginally successful so far?

i’m sort of okay now, or on my way back to okay at least, but i had a pretty scary few weeks there that were the worst i’d been in... a really long time. i didn’t tell anyone just how bad it was because i didn’t want to admit it even to myself in all honesty. backsliding has been one of my biggest fears for a really long time. i really, really don’t want to end up in that place again

i do think getting on the esketamine has helped too, i think progress has been a little slower than last time but idk if that’s due to it being the nasal instead of the iv or if it’s just me and where i’m at but i’m trying to be patient. to celebrate the little things and keep taking everything just one day at a time

i got some good stuff done this past weekend. i got my car fixed, i cleaned the guinea pigs, i went to the store. not as much as i’d wanted but it’s better than nothing right? this weekend i want to go to the grocery store for real and get some laundry done. if i’m feeling really ambitious maybe i’ll go get a haircut finally lol

i have treatment tomorrow and i kind of don’t count those as real days bc i usually end up sleeping through most of the day but i hope it’s a good day anyways. or at least not a bad one.

idk how regularly i’ll use this but we’ll see how things go i guess. hopefully i can try and keep up with it at least a little? i used to make a lot of vent posts when i was doing really bad and then sometimes i would also read back through them later and it’d make me really sad to see how long i’d been feeling the same way and felt like nothing would ever change or get better... so i guess it might be nice to keep track of things when they’re going well, too, so i can remember that things can and will change and get better as long as i keep trying. or something along those lines idk. but that’s all for now i guess

[curaious-blog]

LOW SELF ESTEEM, EATING DISORDERS, AND TRAVELING

I don’t like my body.

I gained weight about 2-3 years ago and have been unable to get it off entirely. Instead, it’s been a constant rollercoaster and I’m dizzy and want to get off. I was able to lose some when I was consistently working out and “dieting” but not like in college when I could just skip a few meals and then be skinny (totally exaggerating but it was definitely easier).

I think I messed my body up. I must have done something to it’s inner workings and now it’s malfunctioning. Let me explain.

We must go back to childhood. I had precocious puberty, which basically means I was showing signs of puberty much earlier than I was supposed to. I remember being in and out of the doctor’s offices for them to fix it. Lots of injections/IVs/blood draws, but you get used to them. I actually creepily enjoyed getting shots and watching them draw my blood. No need to feel bad for me or anything though. I wasn’t sick, just a hormonal imbalance. I ended up actually having my period at a normal age. No problems there.

It’s not uncommon to gain weight once you hit puberty. I definitely did. I was a skinny kid but some time after puberty, I really started to pack on the pounds. I remember constantly being told by the pediatrician that I needed to lose weight. I also remember around age 13/14ish going on an “oatmeal diet”. I don’t know where I even got this idea. My parents never pushed me to lose weight or put me on any special diets. I don’t even think I ate that abnormally than anyone else but the fact remained, I needed to lose weight.

As I got a little older in 10th-11th grade, I did lose quite a bit of weight. I wasn’t really doing anything special except getting taller mostly (I’m 5’9). I did do track in 11th grade and I’m sure that helped me slim down some as well but no special diets.

Fast forward to freshman year of college. People talk about the freshman 15. Yeah I had that times 2. I blew up. I thought walking around campus was going to be a great exercise but they had potato bread in the cafeteria and I LOVE bread...well I did until I traveled around Europe...Anyway, I gained a lot of weight and here’s where the biggest problem began.

I was so upset and disgusted with myself. I had to do something about it and fast. So I started restricting my food intake. I started counting calories heavily. I still know calorie content of some foods from this period. I restricted most days to 500 calories and under. I knew what to buy and how much I could have to stay under. I have an entry in my journal praising myself for just having a fruit cup one day. I also fasted for 3 days once. I passed out briefly in my room and I almost passed out in a lab class once but I didn’t care because the weight was flying off. I lost about 50lbs. My high weight was over 190lbs and my lowest weight 138lbs. I would smile when people would ask me if I’m ok or if I’m eating because I knew I wasn’t and it was getting me results. This, of course, turned into a cycle. A restrict-binge cycle.

Basically, your body gets mad at you for not eating and then you get a strong, uncontrollable urge to eat and eat everything so that your body can preserve whatever it does have for the next “drought”. That’s at least what it felt like to me. This is not the full, accurate scientific explanation.

I was able to maintain a smaller weight but not for long. The bingeing was just too much. I couldn’t stop bingeing so I had to find a way to combat that too—purging. Ok pause.

I know. I know. That’s disgusting. Why would anyone voluntarily waste food and do something as gross as that? Ugh! First world problems.

I just quickly want to say that it’s never about the food. It’s always something deeper. Anywhere in the world people have coping mechanisms and they use what is in their environment.

So look. If you have never had an eating disorder, then you will never understand the desperation. I was sooo depressed. I hated myself. I literally wanted to die. That might seem extreme to other people, but it was my reality.

I was already dealing with low self esteem in other areas. I never felt like I was a pretty girl. I wasn’t popular in school. I was shy and awkward. I never knew how to have confidence in myself.

Moving along. Now the cycle was restrict-binge-purge, but I would purge even if I restricted. Very vicious cycle that eventually dwindled some over the years. Sometimes I would just restrict or binge or purge or any combination of the above. The weight was still fluctuating. I really did not know how to eat normally.

It’s probably been the last 3 years that have been the worst for me. At least before when I was depressed, I was also thin. Now I’m just fat and depressed. Fat to me at least. Everyday it switches. I can put something on or take a picture and feel good about myself even knowing I’m still bigger than I prefer. And then there are other days where I will look in the mirror and literally have a meltdown. It feels like no matter how much I work out and eat healthy, it just doesn’t want to come off. It’s like my body is punishing me for the years of abuse and honestly, I was very mean to it but I just want another chance!

I’ve been told I need to accept my body as is and that has been such a hard task. I know that it doesn’t mean you can’t change it to become better. But it does mean you should love it and treat it well. You don’t do horrendous things to it or talk bad to it. I logically know this but I can’t get my brain to accept it. It’s just really hard. I know that sounds childish but it is.

What does any of this have to do with travel? Well I was actually working out very consistently before we left. I was feeling really good about my REALLY SLOW progress. And even now that we’re traveling, we actually do get a lot of exercise in from all the walking, climbing stairs and hills, sweating profusely. We accidentally only eat one meal and usually a snack most days just due to us being busy and hot. I am going to try to do better with that. I can tell I’ve lost some weight while traveling but it doesn’t stop the insecurities.

The other day I cried (again, get used to it) while I was looking through my Santorini photos to post. I hated how I looked in ALL of them including the one I did post but it was still the best I could do. I got through it because the literal bigger picture is that I was in Santorini and that was amazing. I guess I could have not brought any attention to the dress with my caption about it freeloading through Europe, but I’m trying this acceptance and vulnerability thing out.

This is what I look like right now. That’s not going to change overnight and I don’t want to be posting ridiculous lies or lies by deception on my social media only to put the phone down and look at my real self in the mirror.

I just want to love my body. When you love your body you will want better for it, pour good things into it, do things that are good for it, talk to it with respect, and honor it. That is my dream relationship with my body.

[flightless-icarus]

june 3, 2020

so i moved to tumblr because i wasnt a fan of being on wattpad anymore, i worried it was making people uncomfortable or that i shouldnt be writing that sorta thing on a story website. im pretty familiar with tumblr too, so this is fine, and i can share this with my therapist as well. lots of people have journals on tumblr, and i dont expect this to be seen by anyone so its fine. i think. 

today wasnt a very good mental health day, which is why i decided to write (plus i had forgotten to write these past few days, thus the lapse in entries) im trying to be consistent with these though, so im hoping i can get back in the habit of writing, but some days literally nothing happens and i dont know what to put other than “worked on my comic, ate, slept, and nothing else”. my days are pretty bland. 

i worry that im wasting my life away, or at least my young life. im 7 years away from being 30, like? i know thats far away, but im ALREADY 23, 7 will go by pretty fast. i know a lot can happen in 7 years though. i dont know, im conflicted about it. as well as the fact that ive been super uncomfortable these past few days. whenever i get triggered regarding my sexual abuse/assaults i get these super overwhelming feelings and its hard to be touched anywhere around my hips or between my legs, even like. in a nonsexual way. like sitting on my feet or sitting with my legs together becomes next to impossible. even now with my computer in my lap, its making it squirm and itchy in the worst way possible. like im cringing and trying to move the laptop in a way that doesnt make me look weird since im not in a room. 

i had a little bit of a meltdown this morning, i posted chapter 2 of my comic on june 1st, but was too tired to write about it, and today, my mom comes to me and tells me that the overlays i did looked bad and i should change them and change something else, and i flipped out because i was already stressed over having to start chapter 3 today (and hardly got any done for the record, i need to either work hard tonight to get some done, or work in overdrive these next few days to get the chapter out by Sunday/Monday again, which im not excited for; im currently fighting a migraine, which is partly why im typing this so early instead of before bed. im trying to let my head decide if it wants to go into a whole migraine or not) then when i went in and fixed the panels, procreate (my drawing app) was giving me SO many issues and not letting me download my photos so i couldnt repost the comic for over an hour, and seeing that i woke up to 7.75 stars instead of the 10 stars ive had for several days made me super upset because i was sad that either the story got bad since i started writing more dialogue OR that people REALLY didnt like the textured overlay, and it really hit me in the motivation, but i need to push on. i cant miss this opportunity, even if i dont win (and i dont plan on winning, ive seen the other entries) but i feel like this is a good opportunity to get me on the right track of writing my official comic. 

and since i have a social media account with a large following (10.5k) ive been trying to provide resources and information for people protesting the BLM movement and between that and my comic, ive been strung really thin. i just feel super overwhelmed, like i was half-yelling at my mom this morning over the comic (though we jst talk aggressively a lot of the time) and i almost cried over it, and i dontknow if its because im PMSing or what but idk whats going on. 

todays been rough, i know that much. ive been sad and unmotivated but i know i need to push through and work. it is nice to know that ive drawn 120 things in 2 weeks, and that it IS possible. 

today was hard, i have a headache, and im gonna try to get back to work. im tired and depressed, and frankly i want to put a knife in my forehead, but whacking my stylus against my forehead is good enough.