#K-12 textbooks

[memoriallibrarytmc]

What’s Here Wednesday: Collection Discovery, K-12 Textbooks

Textbooks for K-12 can be tricky to get ahold of, but Collection Discovery has a set of featured K-12 Textbooks that you can borrow! Even better, many of these titles are the Teacher’s Editions, which means that they’ll include additional information to help you make the most of the book that you’re using. Textbooks can be a great way to see how a specific unit on a topic is structured, or get ideas for questions you can ask in class. Textbooks are available on all levels, and subject areas (math, ELA, science, etc).

[interpolationz]

two days into college, i'm only taking two courses, and this is the most homework i've ever had

like i think it might be more than everything i've ever been assigned put together

[lavendermunson]

dancing with our hands tied — eddie munson

୨ৎ ˙ ˖

summary Eddie seems to live in constant hell except when he is with you.

tags +18. eventual smut. friends to best friends to lovers. angst. pining. no upside down. slight chrissy x eddie and jealous reader. fingering. p in v without protection; be smart irl. no use of y/n, eddie calls reader peach. lose of virginity.

tw eddie has an older brother who punches him. slight mentions of blood and violence. alcohol. mention of drugs. if i forgot anything lmk!

w.c 7.6 k

a/n hey people! it’s the first time i write something like this. the fic is divided in tiny chapters that are titled by the lines of taylor’s song (see title) i hope it’s easy to understand and let me know if you like the format ♡ enjoy!

I. First sight, we love without reason.

It came to you as a surprise, really. The moment he sat down on the nearest seat to start the tutoring lesson. The secret is Eddie has always been good at English, it’s a thing among others that he kept as a secret. You weren’t sure why he would hide it, even lie about it.

You and Eddie became friends easily. But you wish the relationship had more meaning, you weren’t friends just school friends. The worst kind of friend you could be with someone as cool and pretty as Eddie.

One day, in the early morning of a cloudy Thursday Eddie attended school with a black eye. He rushed past you mumbling a kind Hey and going his way. You said hi back but it was too late, he was gone.

You missed him the rest of the day, he didn’t show up to class. His friends were alone at lunch. There was no sign of Eddie until later, tutoring sessions.

He slumps on the chair next to you, taking a deep breath and scratching his scalp nervously. His hands were shaking as he started to scribble on your textbook.

Your mind wasn’t focused on the textbook once, you looked longingly at the maroon-tinted bruise on his eye. A cut, maybe 12 hours old, rested on the bridge of his nose.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting” you whispered “I can’t keep my eyes off…your… are you okay, Eddie?” you pointed your finger at his eye, and he turned his head to look at you.

“Yeah, no don’t worry” he sighs, shifting uncomfortably in the wooden chair and taking a deep look at your face.

Your mouth has formed a pout and your brows are furrowed, Eddie tried to read your mind and he succeeded. You were worried.

“My stupid older brother, he comes in unexpectedly, and when I tried to kick him out of the trailer he punched me”

“Oh, I’m so sorry Eddie” You lean your head to the side, his face looks better from this angle.

He looks tired, the punch looks like it hurts a lot, more if it came from a person of his own bloodline.

“You know what, we can study another time and you can go rest” Your hands are quick to close the textbook, gathering all your stuff as Eddie’s body comes closer to you.

He takes your wrist on his hand, with a little more pressure than intended. When your mouth leans to the side he realizes he is hurting you (not too much, but still he didn’t mean it).

“No, I'm sorry” he drops your hand on your lap, delicately “We can study, I'm fine. Please I need the money”

“I know, I will pay you. But I can’t sit here and I can't focus knowing you are in pain or your mind is somewhere else” You smile at him, and he nods.

“Thanks…I'm having a really bad day. I cannot thank you enough, tomorrow we can study double I promise”

“Don’t worry, I got you” You head out of the library beside him “Take care of that, it looks like it’s going to stay there for a while”

He giggles at your comment, you are not sure why. You pay him for today and he smiles at you.

“Thank you, Peach”

He didn’t talk about his family much, he wasn’t entirely sure if there was something interesting to talk about. His mom left a few years ago, along with his older brother, leaving little Eddie and Uncle Wayne alone.

You knew Wayne from one of Eddie’s stories he told you about. He loves the man like he is his own father, but he is in a lot of debt with him.

Wayne takes care of Eddie as if he’s his own child. He surely loves Eddie like that. He works most of the day and night leaving his nephew alone in the trailer park.

One of those cold and lonely nights Eddie’s brother came to visit him at the trailer park only seeking some money. He was out of luck, and so was Eddie, when his furious brother came in and punched him in the face. Not once, but twice.

Eddie’s head and face hurt the rest of the night. He unfortunately overslept and didn’t get a chance to start school properly so he chose to show up just to the tutoring sessions. He needed the cash, you needed help.

II. Picture of your face in an invisible locket.

A week has passed since Eddie’s brother came to town. You’ve grown closer to Eddie than before.

You hang out after school now that tutoring lessons are over, he invites you to Hellfire Club to watch the campaigns and you sit there watching the whole thing unravel. He had a great imagination, and a wonderful mind full of creative stories and riddles. The kids enjoy his company as much as you do.

He talked about his problems at home with you, trying to get the ugly feeling out of his chest. You listened to him buying him a cup of ice cream and enjoying the wonderful summer breeze.

“I enjoy being with you,” he said “You are a great friend, Peach”

You smiled at him. He smiled at you. His dimples showed up for the first time since you’ve known him, a simple gesture that knocked some sense on you, you had a crush on him.

“Me too, Eds”

Your relationship with Eddie has evolved, not only do you have pet names for each other but it seems like you are best friends. It’s been some weeks since the first time he offered to tutor you and you accepted immediately.

You’ve always liked Eddie, he is his true self every time and he is proud of it.

You admire it.

People at school used to call him awful names, it was always like that until he met Chrissy. The popular kids are the ones that make more fun of him as if it wasn’t exhausting for them to be assholes and jerks nine hours a day. They have toned their jokes down knowing that the queen of Hawkins has a soft place for Eddie and he is more than happy hanging out with her sometimes.

That made your heart ache, it was a dreadful feeling.

After spending some time with Eddie you went home. Still under that lavender haze of accepting that you had a crush on him for a while. It was embarrassing to you only because you were so, so obsessed with him.

His face. His hands. His scent. His hair. Realizing everything about him made you crazy was scary, he only had eyes for one person who was the most perfect cheerleader in the history of high school.

To distract your mind from all the lousy thoughts you took a shower, it was quick, you needed to brush off the sweat and release some tension with a thorough massage on your scalp. The lavender shampoo lingered in the air, relaxing every inch of your body.

After the shower, it was time to eat some dinner. Instead of making a complicated meal you decided to heat some leftovers from yesterday and enjoy your evening eating and dancing in the kitchen with some of your old records playing upbeat songs to cheer you up.

A knock on your door makes you jump after finishing dinner. No one used to come by at this hour, not when your dad was out of town.

You get close to the door and look through the peephole to see who’s interrupting your godly moment. It was Eddie.

A gasp falls out of your mouth and you open the door as quickly as possible. You meet Eddie’s trembling body standing in front of you, his lip is bleeding and his eyes are watering.

“God, Eds…” you whisper, he leans closer to you, wrapping his hands around your neck and hugging you.

You didn’t say anything else, just mirrored his movements and wrapped his waist with your arms. Taking a few steps back and leading him in, you close the door with your foot and he stands there, still not letting you go.

You rub his back as he tries to ease his breath.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know where else to go so I-” he takes a step back breaking contact with you, his head falls as his eyes look at his feet.

“He, he did this to you again?” he broke contact so fast you decided to stay in your place, careful not to overwhelm him with unwanted touches.

“Yeah, shit shit, sorry I should've called. My mind sort of blacked out and the only thing I could remember was your street and the color of your house, the one with the weird birdhouse…”

“Eds, it’s okay” you interrupt “Let me help you, alright? let me clean your wound and make you some hot chocolate”

He nods, walking with you to the bathroom and past your bedroom. You are quick to find the first aid kit, taking some rubbing alcohol and gauze to clean Eddie’s cut. He hisses at the stingy feeling in his mouth, you apologize and he encourages you to continue.

And there you are, with the boy that you like so much. He leans on the counter closing his eyes and allowing himself to feel at peace with you around him.

You stand between his legs, his inner thighs rubbing the exposed skin of your thighs. The ungodly thoughts need to go away so you blink pretty fast, focusing, it’s not the moment nor the place nor the person.

You finish up cleaning his wound and placing a band aid over it to avoid any sort of discomfort while it heals.

“It’s ready” Eddie opens his eyes, finding you in front of him. So close. The white light in the bathroom makes you look like an angel.

“Thank you, peach” he squeezes your cheek slightly. Neither of you move from where you stand, so close to each other but so far at the same time.

“It’s nothing, let’s make you some chocolate”

“Wait, I'm not really hungry. I need to clear my mind and feel at peace for a bit, ‘m just gonna go back to my place to rest but again… thank you” he stands up straight and you step back, missing the heat of his body.

“No! you can’t go back, it's dangerous. My dad is out of town, you can stay here”

His head leans down to one side, he looks at you concerned.

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course. Anything for my best friend” you say. It’s the first time you call him like that. It’s the first time anybody has called him like that.

“Thank you, again, thank you”

“No problem, let me get you some fresh clothes”

You get Eddie some of your oversized clothes that only get out of your closet on rainy days. You give him some space to change and freshen up in the bathroom, getting him a new toothbrush and a towel so he can wash his face.

When he gets out you offer him the guest room, he immediately denies it and asks if he can sleep with you. You shake your head and show him a gentle smile.

“Is this okay? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or bother you” he asks while you get the bed ready to sleep.

“It’s okay, Eds. I get that you don’t want to be alone, do not worry”

You get in bed, he drops his body beside you. Both of you rest your head on the pillows while looking at the ceiling.

“You can stay here in the morning if you don’t want to go to school, I do have to go and hand in this paper I’ve been working on”

“Thank you, I owe you one,” he says, crossing his arms in front of his chest and letting out a sigh.

“You don’t, I’m happy to help you” You look at him, but he doesn’t look back. “Goodnight, Eds”

“Goodnight, sweetheart”

The pet name falls from his lips so beautifully.

You close your eyes with a smile plastered on your face, aware that the heat of your cheeks is present leaving a pink tint.

You are thankful it’s dark and Eddie is about to fall asleep so he won’t notice.

When you fall asleep Eddie does too. It takes him a couple of seconds to get into a deep sleep, he hasn’t slept like this in weeks, all thanks to the torture of his stupid brother and the constant thought of him coming back to punch him.

He feels safe around you and he is more than grateful to be your friend.

III. ‘Cause it’s gravity, keeping you with me.

Eddie has been staying over at your house multiple times, Your dad is out of town and you appreciate the company, his company. Sometimes he comes with you right after school, other times after he hangs out with Chrissy. You are not sure of what kind of relationship they have but it still hurts your heart every time he laughs at something she says.

You are thankful for having him over. The nights consist of movies, old tv shows, watching the commercials on the tv, and listing in your head what to buy next for these reunions.

The last slice of pizza remains in the box, it should be cold and washy but

Eddie is fine with it. He watches you from the corner of his eye, your gaze glued to him.

“Sorry, did you want the last slice?” His voice snaps you out of your thoughts into reality.

“Huh? No, no you have it”

“Sure?”

“I hate it when the pizza is cold” Your mouth falls to the side, and you look at the slice with disgust.

“Bummer, I’ll have this baby for myself”

He raises his hand with the slice between his fingers, his head falls to the back and he takes a bite of the tip of the slice. You watch him in awe, not really thinking about how weird it is to watch Eddie eat, but your eyes can never leave his face. His mouth opens and his jaw tightens when he takes a bite, and another, and another until he finishes it.

“Don’t know why you pushed this aside, it was so good”

The corner of his mouth is full of tomato sauce and cheese grease, you laugh at him shaking your head.

“You have something… there” you point with your finger, Eddie furrows his brows and leans his head to the side looking like a confused puppy.

“Where? Here?” He wipes his mouth and smiles victorious, although it is the opposite side.

“No, here”

You get closer to him. His body is fully turned to the left so you sit in front of him kneeling.

He watches you getting close, he takes a deep breath as his Adam’s apple bobs as a result of his own nerves. You are too close, you’ve never been this close –just once when he hugged you – not even when you two are sleeping in your bed.

As you take the napkin to clean his face you get the opportunity to get closer, you wipe his mouth slowly and pinch his chin between your fingers. You breathe and he is mixing up, the room feels suddenly too hot.

Eddie wants to give in, he gets his head closer. He doesn't care about anything, just you. The only source of light is the TV which gives a shadow of multiple colors on your face, it’s adorable. Your body, your naked thighs, your pretty face so close. He is about to kiss you until you speak.

Shit.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Shoot”

“How do you punch someone?” you ask, he shakes his head confused shaking off the thoughts he had earlier. He was so close to kissing you, but he couldn’t. You are his best friend.

“Wow,” Eddie laughs, grinning “Who do you want to punch, exactly?”

“I met someone”

Your news hit Eddie in the chest. He shouldn’t be feeling like this but he is… jealous?

“He told me to go to this party with him… and a friend told me I should be prepared for everything”

“Everything? Like if he wants to get in your pants you’d punch him?”

“Only if he is a real jerk and thinks he is too smart”

Eddie nods, he takes your hands in his standing up from the couch. You follow him.

“Alright, pay attention”

He drops one of your hands and takes your dominant hand in his, the cold rings on his fingers keep you from falling apart from his touch.

“The secret is in your hips and shoulders, that’s where the power comes from okay?”

“Yeah, but please don’t teach me how to kill someone. I just want to throw a little punch if needed”

“I know, peach” he laughs “Stand up like this” His stance looks professional, maybe he has done this before. Maybe to protect himself from his older brother.

“First things first, your stance gives you balance so you don’t fall to the floor and break your nose too y’know?”

“Am I going to break his nose?” you ask, a little scared of what you are getting yourself into.

“No! ‘M just saying. You don’t have a lot of strength to do that, don’t worry”

“Like this?” You mimic his stance, feeling a little awkward.

"Exactly. Now, focus on your fist” He hasn’t dropped your hand yet “Curl your fingers in, and tuck your thumb under them. This way, you won't hurt your hand when you punch”

“Why do I feel like I shouldn't be learning this?”

“You are fine, watch” Your hands form a perfect fist, Eddie holds it in his hands and tries to set you up on the perfect stance. Your knuckles turn a bit white as you focus on the lesson “See? Perfect”

“I got it”

"Now punch me,” he says, he is serious.

“What?”

“C’mon I’ve taken the worst punches, bet yours will feel light as a feather” he grins. Inside he feels dumb for aching your touch so much even if it means taking a hit “Twist your body and extend your arm in a straight line, then go straight to my cheek” his fingertip touches his cheek “Not my nose! Please” he remarks, but at the same time he is encouraging you.

“Alright,” you do as he says, swinging your arm back and forth. Your fist comes into contact with his cheek and he groans in pain, his head falls to one side.

“Jesus H. Christ!” he caresses his cheek with the palm of his hand “I underestimated you” A chuckle falls from his lips, and you are covering your mouth with your hands surprised. Your eyes are glassy.

“No, no don’t cry I’m fine”

“I’m so sorry Eddie. I thought- fuck, I didn’t see that coming! I am so fucking-sorry, sorry” you cry, your cheeks glow red as embarrassment washes over you.

“No, don’t” he is still laughing “Oh god, come here”

Eddie opens his arms and wraps them around your shoulders. This is the second time you hug him, and this time it feels different. One of his hands rubs your back to calm you down as you keep murmuring sorry. He keeps thinking you are the most adorable thing on the planet.

“Do we count this as tutoring? Am I getting cash for getting punched in the face?” he chuckles.

You bury your face in his chest, hugging his body tightly. He feels you trying to get closer.

“Yeah, yeah if you want”

“I'm joking, peach, you did good!”

You smile at the praise, although he can’t see it.

“Thank you for teaching me”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. It was a pleasure” he breaks the hug, and his hands come to rest on your arms. He is not giving up touching you “I hope whoever you punch… you do it harder than this one” he smiles.

As you watch his face, hypnotized, you smile back.

“I will, only if he is a jerk…”

“Or thinks he is too smart, gotcha” he interrupts, filling up the rest of the sentence “But you know if someone bothers you, you can call me and I will kick his ass right?”

“I’m a big girl, Eds. I can take care of myself”

“That I see! ‘M just offering, You did good honey” He pinches your cheek, and the new pet name hits right above your stomach where your anxiety rests. He has never called you that before, you feel the heat on your cheeks.

“We- uhm, we should sleep is getting late” You watch the clock, it is 3 am already.

“Oh shit, yeah. Let’s go”

IV. I’m a mess but i’m the mess that you wanted.

Watching Eddie kissing Chrissy was a punch on the tits. His hands are on her waist, she grabs his jacket getting closer. Their mouths were glued to each other. You were sure this was the night, this was the night you would tell Eddie your feelings, but instead, you decided to meet up with the guy you told him about. Ignoring your feelings for Eddie.

Nothing ever comes out as you wish, after punching the guy for trying to touch your ass after he didn’t even know you were in his math class, you punched him. Your hand hurts, but it was worth it.

You try to find Eddie but he isn’t around. Ignoring the feeling in your chest, you decide to fill the guilt and the secrets with alcohol.

After a lot of refills, the living room’s bottles are empty so you make your way around the house to find more. That’s when you find Eddie, you take your sixth? seventh? Cup of the night and walk to him.

“Eds!”

Your voice is like honey to him, he didn’t want to be here but as soon as Chrissy mentioned you were coming with “the guy” he wanted to be there. She was nowhere to be seen after spending some time with him.

“I did it! I punched him!” you mumble, proud of your achievement and so, so drunk.

“Fuck, I missed it?”

“Yeah, I have been looking for you everywhere to tell you” You lie, you’ve seen him multiple times and ignored him. It was a decision that sober you took. Drunk you is a little more insistent “I didn't think you were coming”

“Chrissy wanted to be here, I'm just keeping her company… was, she left” he looks around, but she is still somewhere else.

Her name rings in your ears, your stomach crumbles.

“Well, let’s get drunk!”

Deep down Eddie is grateful that the guy you were meeting up with fucked up everything and now you are with him. Chrissy is nowhere to be seen and you seem like you need someone to watch you. Take care of yourself.

You are so drunk, your whole body feels light and your head is in the clouds. Maybe you are a little bit high too.

“Can we find somewhere more quiet? I wanna smoke” Eddie finds himself screaming, the music getting louder with the minutes.

“Sure, let’s go”

You hold a red solo cup with something in it, enough to make you more tipsy. You follow Eddie outside, to the porch. The night is hot and Eddie realizes your dress is too short. He takes a deep breath, looking at your thighs as you take a sip from the cup.

Eddie lights a cigarette and takes a peek at the party from outside, The window leaves a space so the warm light of the house hits your face. The night at your house, the one when he almost kisses you comes back to his head. A side of your face lit up by the chaos inside, yet you look so peaceful, so beautiful.

“I need more of this. I- shit I forgot the n-name” you slur your words again, taking a step forward. Eddie takes your wrist in his hand, stopping you.

“What the fuuuuck?” you say.

“I think that’s enough for today, let’s go home”

Your whole body is on fire, all of your insides begging for more alcohol.

“Home? What? I didn’t know we lived together!”

“C’mon, peach. You know what I mean” Eddie’s cigarette bounces on his mouth, his voice is firm and his free hand comes to cup your waist.

“No, no. Let’s go dance here” You take his hand, the alcohol makes you bold. He follows you to the living room after dropping his cigarette.

The music is too loud, you empty the cup you had and throw it away.

“I’ll be right back, need to take a piss'” Eddie says, disappearing. You don’t hear him.

His “girlfriend” is still ignoring him, but he remembers what she said. She got mad because he was looking for you, and she got jealous too. Chrissy wanted all the attention but Eddie was giving it to you.

He stopped eating lunch with her, he was with you instead. Talking about random tv commercials that you thought were clever, it was some of an inside joke.

As he comes back from the bathroom he hears a crowd cheering, he is so done with this party, tired of the happy sappy music playing over and over, and the smell of sweat and alcohol makes him sick. He makes an effort to find you and he does.

There you are, standing on the table dancing. You were dancing, making some sexual moves that all the guys were screaming. Your hips move as the music gets to your ears, the whole room electrified by this little show.

Eddie’s face goes beet red, he can’t take this. He isn’t enjoying this.

Jealousy takes over him and he grabs your hand, yanking you down and letting you fall on his shoulder.

He carries you away from the table, a hand comes behind your back and he places his palm on your ass in an attempt to stop your dress from going up. You feel the cold of his rings again, your whole body lights up in anger as he carries you outside.

“Let me down! Eddie, I'm not joking!”

“Whine for as long as you want, I’m taking you home”

“Eddie please, I'm going to throw up”

He gives up, he lets you down and you pick up your breath. You place a hand on your belly trying to steady yourself and make the nausea go away.

“I need a moment… just give me a–”

“No! I know you will go back inside. You can’t even walk by yourself”

“Yes, I can! Don’t- don’t try to babysit me” you bicker.

He lets out a deep sigh, he is not letting you go back and you know it.

He wants to protect you, but more, he wants you to be with him and not dancing and showing off for anybody else. Yes, he was jealous and it was time to admit it. His feelings for Chrissy were never as intense as what he feels when he is with you.

“Sweetheart-”

“Don’t call me that!” you scream, his eyes open wide.

“Please just-”

He tries to hug you but you don’t let him.

“I'm not your sweetheart! The other day you called me like that too and I- what are you doing to me?”

“I don’t- fuck, what are you talking about?” Eddie is confused, you are acting like you don’t want him around, and that hurts him.

“I- I like you, Eddie! I fucking like you so bad but you… You don’t and I know it!” you have no time to breathe, the alcohol encourages you to confess your feelings.

“Peach-”

“No! No, I- I like you since that first day of tutoring… I’ve liked you since then and you don’t know how fucking hard it is to oh- sleep with you and you- almost fucking kissed me and I panicked. This, you, her- it’s too much ah- go away!” you cry out, your head is spinning and you can feel your temples aching.

This wasn’t planned, future you will kill you for this. But right now in the heat of the moment, you let Eddie know how you feel. Your whole body aches and your heart is shattered.

“I know you like her! Just- I don't want to talk to you right now!”

A salty taste lingers in your mouth, your tears. Your arms ache from the sudden cold breeze as the night gets darker. It’s maybe two or three in the morning. You are drunk and high. Eddie’s brain seems to stop working.

He is quiet, looking at the grass under his feet. It hurts seeing you like this.

“Fuck!” you turn around and start walking, thinking you can walk home from here knowing it’s impossible.

“Hey! Let me take you home”

You stop.

“Please, I won't stay. I’ll drop you off and go to my trailer- you can’t get home by yourself” he is right.

You don’t move. Too heartbroken to say everything else or even turn around to see him. You are ashamed, he can’t even look you in the eyes.

He sees you waiting for him and he asks you to follow him to his van.

The ride home is long and torturous. He didn’t reciprocate your feelings, but you don’t blame him. Who could fall for a mess like you?

You fall asleep in the passenger seat of his van, he opens the door carefully and carries you to your bed. He wants to change your clothes but he knows it is not okay, he does peek at your naked thighs before covering your body with the sheets.

His calloused fingers move the hair off your face “I like you too, peach” He murmurs, leaning in to kiss your forehead before leaving. You can’t hear him of course, he knows it damn well.

V. Deep fears that the world would divide us.

The last time you talked to Eddie was two weeks ago. He didn’t know how to talk to you since that night, he didn’t know what to tell you. It is now summer break, you are in your bed facing the ceiling and letting the air from your window hit your sweaty body.

You were so bored. Without Eddie it feels like the world just turned gray, you regret everything you said that night. He never should’ve known.

He is now in his trailer, maybe with Chrissy. Your brain starts to think of a hundred scenarios. They could be spending time at the local pool, going to starcourt and eating ice cream, trying on some new clothes, or playing at the arcade.

You miss him. Your whole body aches without him by your side. Your bed feels so empty.

Tears start rolling down your cheeks, you are all alone in this gigantic house. It doesn’t feel like home, not without him.

You can’t pick a book and read it to kill time because every book you own is about romance.

You can’t watch movies without Eddie’s sudden comments.

You can’t even watch fucking commercials without him.

So you just let yourself on your bed, waiting for the sheets to swallow you whole.

Night came by after a nap, it was time to close the windows to stop the mosquitoes. It was time to eat so you headed down to the kitchen, the leftovers seem to always keep you company.

You wish he came back. Knocking at your door and getting in. Kissing you.

It doesn’t happen. To you. But it can happen to him.

You take your keys in your hands and head down to the trailer park, it isn’t that late so you go by yourself. With your clammy hands tapping on the steering wheel and a feeling of uncertainty.

It takes you from ten to fifteen minutes to get there and you park your car close to Eddie’s trailer. You’ve given him a ride home before, you know where he lives.

As you get closer to his trailer you hear screams. The door of his trailer opens suddenly and makes you jump. A tall and slightly old man comes out of the trailer, his white tank top is covered with some blood.

No, no, no. You mumble under your breath and run to the trailer. You find Eddie with a cut on his lip, his eye is purple already and his nose is bleeding.

“Eddie?” you whisper, he panics.

“No, no you can’t be here” he gets up from the floor and places his hands on your arms, pushing you out.

“Why? Please I just want to talk”

“You can’t be here! He- if he does something to you I’m never going to forgive myself Please just leave” his breath quickens, and his chest rises up and down. He is nervous, he is scared. The feelings are contagious.

“Come with me, please. Eds-”

“Just fucking leave! please please please, leave right now”

Nothing you do is going to convince him you should stay, as much as you want to. You hear screams of an angry man getting close to the trailer.

Running out back to your car and driving home, the radio becomes an annoying background noise screeching. Your heart is beating so fast out of fear, and your hands are trembling.

You set yourself down on your bed once you get home. You are scared of what could happen to Eddie. You know he is in danger and you also know he doesn’t want to see you.

The tears come back, your eyes are blurry and the walls feel like they are closing in and are about to crush you. You cover yourself with the sheets, as some type of protection, just like when you were little and scared. Yes, you are scared now, so fucking scared. But there is nothing you can do now so you sleep, and you fall asleep crying, again.

VI. I'd kiss you as the lights went out.

The next day goes by quickly, it’s currently midnight and you are sitting in front of the tv watching a random documentary about dolphins. You’ve slept all day so sleep is not an option. A huge bucket of ice cream in your hands gives you a cold feeling of serenity.

A knock on the door makes you jump, the thing you’ve been waiting for.

You open it quickly, and Eddie is there. You look at him with sadness in your eyes, some of his wounds have healed since yesterday.

“Before you say anything… I am sorry, sweetheart” You don’t let him in, and he doesn’t take a step forward “I like you too. I like you so much. I tried to date Chrissy because I thought I could get my mind distracted by the fact that I'm crazy for you. "He licks his lips, he moves his hands in the air as he always does when he explains something or rambles about a thing he loves.

“I was scared to tell you, that night at the party I swear all I could think about was- fuck, I wanted to rip those clothes off of you and kiss every part of your body but I was fucking terrified” his chest rises up and down, his heart is bumping in his ribcage. “I didn’t want to say anything because 

I didn’t want to lose you, You are too good to me and I didn’t want you to be with someone like me-”

“You don’t get to make that choice for me” you interrupt, your own heart is beating so fast it could burst.

“I know, I know. That’s why I'm here… is it too late to hang out? Look, I slept all day and some little bird named Steve told me the sunrise at Lovers Lake looks awesome and I really just want to be with you” 

You look at him, he is standing at your door confessing his love to you and, weirdly, it doesn’t feel like a dream. It all feels too real, too peaceful.

“A date at midnight? Did you plan this because you look like you even showered”

He lets out a big laugh. You see those dimples you love so much.

“I- I wouldn’t see it as a date because I think we’ve had tons of them” he shakes his head, and his curls bounce with the movement. “Pretty please? Join me on this adventure”

“We must be connected by some kind of thread because I slept all day too” you chuckle, he laughs with you “Sure, I want to be with you. Let me change and I’ll be right back”

You head upstairs quickly as Eddie goes back to his van for something. 

With the quickest movements in the world, you manage to get yourself some pretty clothes, a tiny bit of makeup and fix your hair.

Running to the first floor to meet Eddie, your legs stop working as he stands up in your living room with a bouquet.

“You did have this prepared” You are smiling so wide your cheeks start to hurt, but you can stop it. After days of missing him, he is now here and everything feels right.

“I did. You look- you look beautiful” he looks at you from the bottom to the top, taking every detail of your figure. “I mean, you always look so beautiful I just-”

You come closer to him, he hands you the bouquet and you take it. 

“You are beautiful too, Eds”

Your fingers touch his cheeks, he feels the warmth and breathes in to take everything in. Your scent, your touch, the closeness. Your cheeks have a pink tint from blushing and it makes you look so pretty. He leans in and in a second, his lips are touching yours.

You gasp at the sudden feeling, your whole body electrifies. His hands come to rest on your lower back, keeping you close to him. Your hands travel to his shoulders as you stand on your tippy toes.

His lips trap your bottom lip, sucking in your taste. Your whole heart flutters as your head goes back to catch some air.

“I wanted to do that for so long” 

Goosebumps travel from your arms to your lips, missing him already.

“Me too” you bite your lip.

“C’mon, let’s go watch the sunrise sweetheart”

VII. Deep blue but you painted me golden.

The trip to Lovers Lake in the middle of the night resulted in love confessions and a heavy make out session, Eddie packed the back of his van with christmas lights, sheets, and blankets along with some pillows. 

You and Eddie sitting in front of each other, his lips crashing into yours as sweet as honey.

“So yeah- that time when you sat down and started tutoring me I fought so hard to pay attention but I just loved the sound of your voice” You take a sip of beer.

“It was hard to teach you when your confused face is just so adorable. 

Every pout you gave me was a kiss I wanted to give you” Eddie laughs.

“You can give me all the kisses you want now, I'm all yours”

Eddie’s breath hitches in his throat, his face glows pink and you let out a chuckle.

“Honey, I will” he takes a sip from his own beer, finishing it.

Alcohol makes both of you giddy, dozy, and dumb. Or maybe it’s just the love you have for each other.

“What time is it?” you murmur against his lips, his hands travel from your waist to the back of your head.

“I have- no idea” he stops, with his head leaned slightly back he watches you. Your lips are puffy and pink, his too. Both of you have a maroon tint on your cheeks. “It’s almost six, we have time” he peeks at the clock on his left hand. 

“Alright, c’mere” With your hands placed on his shoulders, you try to get closer to him. 

You kiss him. He is addicted to your taste already. 

This time the kiss is messy and uncoordinated. His teeth collide with yours, saliva drops from the corner of your mouth. 

With a firm hand caressing your back, Eddie helps you fall back with your body pressed against the sheets. Your head rests on a pillow as he gets comfortable on top of you.

You can feel the van getting hotter, a cloud of passion and love around you. Eddie makes a quick move with his knee as it presses against your hot core. 

Absent-mindedly you start to grind against his knee, feeling the combination of friction with his sloppy kisses sending chills through your spine.

His lips now travel all the way to your neck, he presses sweet wet kisses against your skin.

“Eddie-” you whisper, letting the air out of your lungs. “I want you”

You have been dreaming about this, he has been dreaming about this. 

This moment. This very golden moment is going to live in your head forever.

“Are you sure, sweetheart?” he murmurs against your collarbone, his lips tingling your skin.

“I’m sure, please”

He takes a break from the kisses, looking at your sweet face. 

“Have you ever…?” he asks.

“No,” you bite your lip nervously.

“I’ll take care of you, I promise”

You nod, and he returns to kissing your neck. One of his hands travels to your thighs, he gives a slight massage on them making his way closer to the heat between your legs. 

His cock gets hard against his pants as he feels the wet spot between your legs.

“You are so soaking wet, peach-”

With both hands, he takes off your panties, gently. He is so gentle with you. 

“And so, so pretty”

Eddie starts to rub your clit with his thumb, his circular motions make your toes curl. It’s a sensation you’ve never felt before. With his mouth pressed against your jaw two of his fingers get inside you slowly, the pain of it quickly goes away and turns into lust. His fingers move in and out, making sure not to hurt you and make you feel good. 

Your back curls and your thigh touches the bulge on his pants. 

“Eds, please”

“What do you want, princess? Say it”

“I want you to fuck me”

Your voice makes his heart flutter. He leans in to kiss you more as he curls your fingers inside you. 

“Oh god, Ed-Eddie” you mewl, your head too giddy to make up words.

“Good girl” his voice is now deeper, and his pupils dilate as his body perks up with electricity.

His fingers leave your pussy, you whine and he tells you not to worry. 

He is gentle on taking your clothes off, smiling after admiring every inch of you. He wets his lips with his tongue admiring your figure.

“You are so fucking beautiful, princess”

“You too, baby”

The mood has clearly changed, you are still so horny and whining for each other. But Eddie has decided to take his time to make you feel like the princess you are.

Your hands help him take his clothes off, you admire his bare chest and your eyes focus on his tattoos. When he takes his pants and boxers off it is inevitable for you to take a look.

Your mouth waters at the sight. Eddie caresses your cheek and leaves small kisses on your lips as he goes inside you. You feel his hot cock 

inside you, it twitches as you stretch and leave out a louder moan.

A grin shows up on Eddie’s face as he thrusts into you. Your nails scratch his back slightly. He feels his skin burn.

“Feeling good?”

“Yes, god yes”

He groans at the same time he increases the speed. Your moans get louder and he kisses your neck again, his bare chest meets yours and you whimper. He is moving on top of you, his cock inside you, and his chest rubs your nipples.

The tiny knot in your stomach untangles as chills go down your spine. You moan as your orgasm comes to you.

“You are such a good girl, go on cum for me”

His words are sweet, he keeps praising you as you finally come. 

“So so good baby, I’m going to-”

He moves back but your hands are quick to tangle around his neck, not letting him leave.

“Do it, baby. Cum all over me”

Your encouraging words get into Eddie’s head, his thrust becomes sloppier as he relaxes and he comes into you as requested.

The hot sticky combination of cum slides down your legs as Eddie hugs you and pulls you to him to the side. His back is now pressed against the dirty sheets, your head falls in his chest.

He kisses your forehead and runs his hand through your back. 

The sun starts to show up. 

Eddie leans forward to open the back doors of his van, he comes back to his place next to you as quickly as possible and hugs you harder.

The lake glows with a yellow tint, the water now shows a baby blue color. 

“I love you, sweetheart”

Surprised you turn your head to look at him, you give him a big smile.

“I love you too”

You stay there a couple of minutes, touching each other and loving each other.

there it is! my little baby. feedback is appreciated REBLOG TO SUPPORT THE AUTHOR! and DON’T throw a punch like it has been described!!!

tagging everyone who interacted, tysm 💕

@ali-r3n @witchwolflea @ghostlyfleur @littlegingerbat @live-love-be-unique @expiredcum21 @emma77645 @silent-stories @hellfirenacht @eddiemunson95 @tenthmoon

[dreamdolldeveloper]

back to basics

mostly free resources to help you learn the basics that i've gathered for myself so far that i think are cool

everyday

gcfglobal - about the internet, online safety and for kids, life skills like applying for jobs, career planning, resume writing, online learning, today's skills like 3d printing, photoshop, smartphone basics, microsoft office apps, and mac friendly. they have core skills like reading, math, science, language learning - some topics are sparse so hopefully they keep adding things on. great site to start off on learning.

handsonbanking - learn about finances. after highschool, credit, banking, investing, money management, debt, goal setting, loans, cars, small businesses, military, insurance, retirement, etc.

bbc - learning for all ages. primary to adult. arts, history, science, math, reading, english, french, all the way to functional and vocational skills for adults as well, great site!

education.ket - workplace essential skills

general education

mathsgenie - GCSE revision, grade 1-9, math stages 1-14, provides more resources! completely free.

khan academy - pre-k to college, life skills, test prep (sats, mcat, etc), get ready courses, AP, partner courses like NASA, etc. so much more!

aleks - k-12 + higher ed learning program. adapts to each student.

biology4kids - learn biology

cosmos4kids - learn astronomy basics

chem4kids - learn chemistry

physics4kids - learn physics

numbernut - math basics (arithmetic, fractions and decimals, roots and exponents, prealgebra)

education.ket - primary to adult. includes highschool equivalent test prep, the core skills. they have a free resource library and they sell workbooks. they have one on work-life essentials (high demand career sectors + soft skills)

youtube channels

the organic chemistry tutor

khanacademy

crashcourse

tabletclassmath

2minmaths

kevinmathscience

professor leonard

greenemath

mathantics

3blue1brown

literacy

readworks - reading comprehension, build background knowledge, grow your vocabulary, strengthen strategic reading

chompchomp - grammar knowledge

tutors

not the "free resource" part of this post but sometimes we forget we can be tutored especially as an adult. just because we don't have formal education does not mean we can't get 1:1 teaching! please do you research and don't be afraid to try out different tutors. and remember you're not dumb just because someone's teaching style doesn't match up with your learning style.

cambridge coaching - medical school, mba and business, law school, graduate, college academics, high school and college process, middle school and high school admissions

preply - language tutoring. affordable!

revolutionprep - math, science, english, history, computer science (ap, html/css, java, python c++), foreign languages (german, korean, french, italian, spanish, japanese, chinese, esl)

varsity tutors - k-5 subjects, ap, test prep, languages, math, science & engineering, coding, homeschool, college essays, essay editing, etc

chegg - biology, business, engineering/computer science, math, homework help, textbook support, rent and buying books

learn to be - k-12 subjects

for languages

lingq - app. created by steve kaufmann, a polygot (fluent in 20+ languages) an amazing language learning platform that compiles content in 20+ languages like podcasts, graded readers, story times, vlogs, radio, books, the feature to put in your own books! immersion, comprehensible input.

flexiclasses - option to study abroad, resources to learn, mandarin, cantonese, japanese, vietnamese, korean, italian, russian, taiwanese hokkien, shanghainese.

fluentin3months - bootcamp, consultation available, languages: spanish, french, korean, german, chinese, japanese, russian, italian.

fluenz - spanish immersion both online and in person - intensive.

pimsleur - not tutoring** online learning using apps and their method. up to 50 languages, free trial available.

incase time has passed since i last posted this, check on the original post (not the reblogs) to see if i updated link or added new resources. i think i want to add laguage resources at some point too but until then, happy learning!!

[glytrp]

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Touya Todoroki: Childhood Friends

headcanons

❥ Dabi as your childhood friend would have been your first bully back in K-12. (mostly K-8th. he mellowed out in hs).

❥ probably pulled your hair during recess, made fun of you when you cried, followed you around, called you names. a big fucking meanie.

❥ in middle and high school, got pulled out of class a lot. ditched damn near any period he could get away with. sometimes dragged you along.

❥ as you both got older and closer, he’d end up crashing at your place and vice versa when he didn’t want to be around his crowd.

❥ hated talking about his family.

❥ still an asshole in high school, but you’re both glued to the hip.

❥ he damn near scares off every guy you talk to so dating is impossible.

❥ goes through your diary when you aren’t there and uses it to tease you later, especially if any of the entries are about him.

❥ the only thing that manages to convince him to get his diploma and not flunk all his classes is you tutoring him.

❥ senior year, you’re both about to graduate. dabi just needs to pass his last math class to be able to walk the stage and you agree to help obviously. bonus: dabi pretending he ain’t staring at your tits instead of the damn textbooks.

❥ yes he smokes, and yes, you hate it.

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Erum Salam at The Guardian:

The wave of book bans sweeping the US, typically reserved for works of fiction deemed controversial, has hit textbooks used in public schools, marking the next step in Republicans’ war on education. The board of trustees for the Cypress Fairbanks independent school district in Houston voted 6-1 earlier this month to redact certain chapters in science textbooks, including those about vaccines, human growth, diversity and climate change. The motion to remove the chapters was made by the board’s vice-president, Natalie Blasingame, and almost unanimously supported. Blasingame, who has served on the board since 2021, did not give a specific explanation for the decision, but said the subjects go beyond what the state requires to teach and creates “a perception that humans are bad”. Last year, the Republican-controlled state board approved textbooks for the schools’ science curriculums, rejecting several books on climate, so the local school district’s censorship of these textbooks is even more restrictive.

Education experts say the move could have far-reaching consequences, prompting similar decisions to omit information in other subjects, and by public school districts across the country. The board’s decision drew the ire of local parents and education groups. Bryan Henry, a local parent and founder of the non-partisan group Cypress Families for Public Schools, said he was concerned about the precedent this decision sets. “Will trustees at the local school board level be able to just delete chapters about civil rights because they just mentioned the history of same-sex marriage?” Henry, 37, said. “It’s really kind of alarming what this could mean for ideological influence and control over what is taught in schools.” Henry describes Cypress, a sprawling suburb of Houston with a population of nearly 200,000, as an increasingly diverse community with a loud minority of political extremists.

“A lot of Republicans in the Cy-Fair area, who are very conservative but are pro-public education, are having to now grapple with the fact that [the] governor, state representatives – they’re really not pro-public education,” he said. “And so people are struggling with how to reconcile that, because they don’t want to vote for Democrats.” Henry added this “level of oversight, micromanagement and interference” was “scary.” The Texas Freedom to Read Project, an organization that fights book bans, swiftly condemned the decision. “To ban entire chapters of textbooks and withhold that information from students is not only unconstitutional, but it is taking away their access to real-life ideas that exist in this world,” said Laney Hawes, co-founder of the group. “Access to a diverse and wide range of information is what prepares students to navigate this world successfully. When we ban books and limit students’ ability to access ideas, we are closing doors to their futures.”

[...] PEN America found 3,362 instances of individual books banned in public K–12 schools for the 2022-23 academic year – a 33% increase from last year, with Florida and Texas leading the way. These books mostly include novels with themes of race or sexuality, not core academic material.

Meehan said the censorships of textbooks is “a further escalation of this movement”. “Texas is no stranger to book bans or censoring other educational content areas or materials. The idea that we’re redacting chapters from state-approved textbooks is almost unheard of. It’s so outlandish,” Meehan said. Book bans have become a core element of platforms of well funded far-right politicians, who have tried to win a larger presence on school boards across the US. “I’m almost worried about a concerning trend where far-right Republican candidates are replacing moderate Republicans on school boards, not because citizens believe they are better suited for the job, but because rightwing billionaires and Pacs [political action committees] are starting to pour money into these local elections,” said David DeMatthews, an education professor at the University of Texas at Austin, who previously worked as a public school teacher and district administrator.

Public school textbooks are the next battleground item in the right-wing’s dangerous and censorious book-banning crusade in schools.

[fatherfigurefusion]

Danganronpa: Another Iteration (or a talent-shift AU for DRA)

Haruhiko Kobashikawa, Ultimate Surgeon

The protagonist, and 1/3 of the three "brain cells".

Comes from a family of field medics.

Ending up garnering lots of attention from the media for performing flawless surgeries at the age of five.

Would much draw attention away from the whole "medical prodigy" thing, but would lay down his life to save people (savior complex protag, my beloved).

Is a bit too into the anatomy parts of medical textbooks.

Mikako Kurokawa, Ultimate Pilot

Was groomed from a young age to be an unstoppable war machine.

Was told from a young age that "actions speak louder than words", resulting in her not talking much.

Doesn't really open up to anybody, not even her servant/adoptive brother.

People are often unnerved by the pale six-foot-one girl with noticeable muscles underneath her uniform, and rightfully so.

Yuki Maeda, Ultimate Exorcist

Has powers straight out of an isekai/shounen manga, and the underdog protagonist energy to match.

In spite of his title, Yuki actually specializes more in being a spiritual medium and summoning/communicating with the spirits themselves.

Is headmates with Utsuro, a far colder spirit in charge of the actual exorcisms, who finds just about any other activity "boring".

Has an awful and traumatic past that lead to both his attachment towards the dead and his alter.

Rei Mekaru, Ultimate Lucky Student

Primary trial saboteur.

Okay, I have two different prompts for a Lucky Student Rei.

First prompt, essentially Teruko Tawaki (right down to the backstory), but she doesn't need to get backstabbed for her to turn her back on others.

Second prompt: the Nagito-esque Rei I outlined here.

Either way, a total menace.

Teruya Otori, Ultimate Professor

One of Haruhiko's supports and 1/3 of the "brain cells".

Highly-intelligent and would drop tons of obscure trivia in a conversation, to the point that you would leave knowing a whole lot of stuff.

Father was the principal/dean of a K-12 school, and decided to hire his genius son to teach people.

He especially loves teaching grade-schoolers, but that kind of leaks into his interactions with his classmates (they all have at least one gold star/lollipop).

Akane Taira, Ultimate Merchant

Classic rags-to-riches backstory, with her going from a door-to-door saleswoman to a street vendor to the founder of a popular market chain.

Perfect customer service voice that she only ever lets go of when angry.

Seems docile and polite, but would punch a Karen.

Basically Akane, but even more girlboss.

Yamato Kisaragi, Ultimate Butler

Has a FuyuPeko-esque relationship with Mikako (minus the romance).

The Kisaragis have been working under the Kurokawas for generations to come.

Instead of Love Live! references, he makes Black Butler and Hayate the Combat Butler references in his dialogue.

Always seems to appear out of nowhere and know exactly what you want/need. Even Mikako is unnerved by this.

Kiyoka Maki, Ultimate Inventor

Specializes in creating weapons (primarily artillery).

Has the potential to make a nuclear bomb, but would rather spend all day doing typical teen girl stuff.

Greatly prefers fixing up old technology, rather than inventing new products.

Gets really dirty by the end of inventing stuff (blame her hyper-focus), and hates it.

Kinji Uehara, Ultimate Sniper

Was adopted by an Italian mercenary group, resulting in him becoming an assassin from a young age.

Is still highly-religious, believing that the lifestyle he has lived has condemned him to a life in hell.

Has a protective attitude towards children, has struck up a friendship with Teruya because of it.

Keeps a distance from the rest of his classmates, not wanting anyone to know the truth behind what he does.

Ayame Hatano, Ultimate Priestess

Can confidently lead sermons, but can barely handle herself in normal conversations.

Regularly goes on tangents regarding her religion, which can veer into some unnerving territory.

Is commonly seen as an upright maternal figure, which always throws people for a loop when they see how she really is.

Due to her talent, she is nowhere near the workaholic she is in canon, and she often encourages her classmates to take little breaks.

Tsurugi Kinjo, Ultimate Sprinter

Still has his strong sense of justice, but it isn't filtered through the black-and-white insanity of the police force. More like a shonen protagonist.

Would gladly sacrifice his life, if it means his peers would survive and/or be avenged. Who knows where that mentality would lead, when in a killing game?

Juu was a former Olympian, who Tsurugi looks up to and seeks to surpass.

Carries the burden of a promise made between him and his posthumous best friend.

Satsuki Iranami, Ultimate Police Officer

Haruhiko's other support, and 1/3 of the "brain cells".

Was born to a prestigious legal family, but was unable to live up to their standards, with Keisuke being the only one willing to give her a chance.

Is more of a Peralta-type cop, rather than a Santiago-type.

Probably owns a prop flag gun that says "GOTCHA!" or "BANG!".

Mitsuhiro "Mitchie" Higa, Ultimate Clown

Fandom's treatment of Mitch be like. /hj

Would have a more sanitized personality, for the sake of the kids.

Imagine Mitchie taking clowning as serious as canon!Mitch takes soccer.

Hates mimes and any other circus performances with a burning passion. Would start the clown uprising.

Kizuna Tomori, Ultimate Soccer Player

Would have a lot of issues with having a "gross" or "boyish" talent, thanks to Minako.

Would compensate for this with her hyper-girly personality.

Is highly competitive, and would do whatever it takes to win and get ahead in life.

Very Arei Nageishi-core.

Kakeru Yamaguchi, Ultimate Cheerleader

In contrast to the American-style cheerleader Kizuna is, Kakeru would be an oendan-leader.

Midori would be more athletic in this universe (although she still has her illness), and Kakeru cheers her at every event, like the good big brother that he is.

Big body = big lungs = loud shouts. Has a very hoarse and raspy voice outside of sporting events, because of it.

Is quiet to save up his voice for his cheers, and loves tea and cough drops.

Kanata Inori, Ultimate Lawyer

Her parents were murdered, when she was a baby, and she was taken in by the lawyer that prosecuted against and exposed the true murderer.

Her naturally polite and optimistic personality has made her the mascot of sorts for the Ando law firm.

Prime example of "A lawyer doesn't cry, until it's all over".

Could be considered an honorary member of the "brain cells", but she isn't a part of the polycule.

[quakerjoe]

I managed to click on a real piece of shit. Naturally I replied:

"You skipped biology and science classes, didn't you? Or did they just not have them when you went? Science has made many discoveries since your old 1950's era textbooks. Of them, that the subject of gender is a broad spectrum and actually NOT as simple as you seem to believe it is. I'd cite you some sources, but honestly, mate; I don't believe for an instant you'd bother reading about it. You seem like just another JK Rowling sort of mouthpiece who has zero interest in looking beyond what you're comfortable with.

Let me clue you in on one tiny point in regards to this topic- The GOP's policies are, across the board, predatory and hurtful to whomever they target. Do you know who the target of this stupid bill was? FIVE trans kids participating in K-12 sports across the entire US of F'n A and its territories, dude. Even if you have ZERO compassion for less than one percent of the nation's population (All the trans citizens in the US), doesn't it bother you that with ALL of the other fuckery going on, with all of the other ACTUAL emergencies and priorities that need addressing, that the government (specifically the pedophile-enriched, sexual predator ridden, scam-artist faction that the GOP has become) went after FIVE children?

Your attitude, kid, is why we can't have nice things. We could be working on universal health care. We could be working on paid family leave. We could be doing something about our failing infrastructure or (not that people like you believe in it) the climate change crisis. We could be working on wealth inequality since the min. wage hasn't gone up since W's administration.

But you want to giggle at AOC for pointing out how the GOP wants to become a bunch of pedo-crotch checkers because this hasn't affected you in some way yet so you feel free to laugh about it? That's your attitude toward this? It is with so many of your ilk until it's YOUR child. Grow the feck up, kid. Try actually using the internet to research transgenderism, what it really entails, and whether it really deserves the scorn you're radiating when there are so many more important things to tend to right now. Don't just be one of those couch commando types until you've done your research; it really does make you look a bit like an asshole, and even cis-gender, hetero men like myself can see through your cloud of cluelessness having a good chuckle over targeting and victimizing people you know nothing about.

It IS an odd subject to the inexperienced, unread mind. Have you ever even had a conversation with a trans person? A gay person? I doubt you'd give any of them a second glance or the time of day. You seem more apt to let loos your dog(s) on them and assault them. Would you go so far as to beat the shit out of gay/trans people, just because you "don't get it"?

Too many people are put off by trans people because all they understand about them is their own belief that trans people insist that they're something than they really are. You know- like fucking CHRISTIANS in 'Murica do EVERY DAY. They think because they wear a gold cross around their neck or go to church for their weekly Sunday Circle-jerk to talk about a book that NONE of them have read and worship a guy that NONE of them respect or would listen to today because he's brown skinned and totally a commie-socialist hippie. Still, we have to listen to THEIR crap because of some notion behind freedom of religion means being given license to be a total hypocrite.

Does any of that sound like you, kid, or are you better than all of that right-wing, hate on minorities, led by sex offenders, kind of crap? If I'm off in how I've receiving you, the I do apologize but I couldn't even get to the two minute mark before you gave me the distinct impression that you not only have no idea what you're talking about but that you have ZERO respect for women, trans people and it's only a small just to assume you hate gays too. Maybe you hate black people as well. Perhaps you want to also kill all the Muslims? I mean, why stop with only one topic you clearly know nothing about nor do you wish to, given the amount of clear contempt and disrespect you've shown in under two minutes.

Seriously. Good luck being a human."

[maths-screaming]

A Hypothesis as to Why My 80s/90s K-12 Math Ed Sucked

K so today is "going down the line until someone has a spare set of tens they can loan you" subtraction. AKA problems like "300 - 214" or "4000 - 738."

As usual, I'm doing these with the unit blocks because the primary school textbook told me to:

I'm also doing these with the blocks because I am historically terrible at problems that involve multiple "borrow" steps. Specifically, I can never remember when to borrow and when not.

My fifth-grade teacher once told me I'd make "a terrible banker" because "you borrow too much money!" I think he meant this as a joke. As a kid, I felt weirdly insulted; as an adult and a teacher, I wonder why he didn't do a single thing to help me stop "borrowing too much."

That specific teacher aside (he was legit bad at most aspects of teaching), using unit cubes for multiple-borrow borrowing also has me wondering: Was 80s/90s math education bad because we thought we were imitating good math education?

When the Common Core standards first dropped, the Internet was awash in examples of number lines, "counting on," and other CPA-esque methods of teaching primary math. A lot of these examples got pushback from their posters, who didn't grasp that there are many ways of thinking about numbers.

A friend of mine, a marine biologist, replied: "What most people don't get is that these Common Core examples are how people who are good at math think about math."

(Said friend was very good at math and regularly surrounded by people who are good at math, so I believe her.)

When I was taught basic math, we were deprived of concrete manipulables and even pictorial representations almost immediately. If we demonstrated that we understood what a number symbol stood for (7 = "that's a seven" *holds up seven fingers*), we were deemed "too advanced" for concrete or pictorial representations.

By the time we got to the borrow-ad-infinitum-minus-one type subtraction, most of us had had concrete tools withheld for at least two years (first and second grade) and sometimes 4-5 years.

People who are good at math can look at a problem like 4000 - 1228 and get an accurate answer fairly quickly in their heads. There are no manipulables involved and there may be no jotting answers down, either.

I'm no historian of math education, but I wonder if the prevailing hypothesis was "if people good at math can do this invisibly, then to make kids good at math we should make them do it invisibly too, and as soon as possible."

Anyway I still suck at borrowing repeatedly, so back to the clicky blocks it is for me.

[thelesbianthespianposts]

“Patriotic Education"

(From Trump’s executive order “Ending Radical Indoctrination in K-12 Schooling”)

“The purpose of the textbooks went beyond facts; the commissioners hoped “to instill in [schoolchildren’s] hearts and minds a greater love of Virginia and a perpetuation of her ideals“. The textbook commission wanted their selected authors to capture the genteel tradition of the Old Dominion known as the Virginia spirit. While the commission never explicitly defined it, one member emphasized the “generous and kindly traits in the Virginia spirit”. I understood. The commission wanted to create educated Christian ladies and gentlemen, who looked at history from a positive point of view without being boastful. The commission told the authors to emphasize Virginia’s right to succeed and above all avoid critiquing slavery. “is the matter of slavery, presented in the very ablest and best light?” they asked. The commissioners directed that the textbook authors “not give the impression that slavery was the cause of the war.“

While the books created an imaginary past, the legislator set its eyes firmly on present difficulties. In 1954, while the authors wrote, the Supreme Court issued his landmark decision in Brown versus the Board of Education, outline School segregation, the Democratic Byrd machines reaction was to lead not only Virginia, but the entire white south in a massive resistance campaign against integration the textbook treatment of the Civil War offered contemporary lessons to all Virginia’s children – Black and white.”

-Robert E. Lee and Me, by Ty Seidule

[laylawatermelon]

The K-Drama Of It All

Hello! My hyper fixation has (very unhealthily) latched onto this show so I'm gonna be analyzing.

First of all, I am a veteran in these spaces.

Very shy in real life I am an avid observer in all my fandoms but TRUST I know what's up at all times because of it.

This first analysis will be of the phenomenon of how they playing in my face with the classic K-Drama tropes and cinematic choices.

Let us begin.

Now we all agree that The Bear is a cinematic masterpiece right? Right.

I have been consuming media across all mediums since I was a kid.

I quite literally spent most of my life watching behind the scenes, in front of the scenes, and in between the scenes.

I'm also an aspiring filmmaker and screenwriter. As such I analyze stuff I like more.

I try to understand why they are the way they are.

Now that we got all the fluff out of the way let's get down to the nitty gritty.

*stands on soapbox*

Page 1 of 10000 ehem

In this this essay I will -!

Fr tho. Let's look at this from a K-Drama perspective.

I've spent about 10-12/13 years watching them. And luckily got into it during the golden era.

I literally watched She Was Pretty air (among others). Ex, Strong Woman, Descendants of the Sun (never watched; controversy+ bad attention span), School 2013.

So you know I'm (somewhat) of an og.

I'm those shows it's very formulaic.

This can extend to other Asian dramas but I'm going to try to stick to K-Dramas.

For example, the 10 ep rule. Must have a kiss or kiss in that episode. (Before is fine)

Now they're getting a little willy nilly and getting down in the first EP but I can argue they was down bad back then as well. Just more angsty longing looks.

(which tbf Sydcarm does all the time but it's 99% Carm though)

In KDramas there's something common in the cinematography that I'd call the halo of light. Almost all the time there are some form of beauty shots with them beautifully lit where they're together, the way they look at each other etc.

Which ironically they do with these two a lot on the show.

I know the show is gorgeous but you can't just explain away some of the choices.

I have watched and read a lot of discussions so this will be influenced by a lot of people. I will mention when I got the help from (if i can find it).

Now I just want to say I think this.

These following trope have been here since the dawn of K-Drama time.

Enjoy my infodump.

Firstly let's discuss this here:

1. The Meet Cute/Halo Effect

We've all been screaming to the void about the classic meet cute that happens with Carmy's life and him being constantly bombarded with noise and chaos.

Stylistically this wouldn't be a typical formula for K-Dramas as it leans more into Kmovie style (which valid The Bear was originally a movie) I think it's as textbook as it comes.

Now the original script (which I have read) had a story of different tone. Very Chicago and chaotic but still...

In this iteration of the script idk what the actors were on but JAW looked at the script and chemistry test and was like hmm yes.

A dramatic romcom. I see.

For her she's an ambitious woman who has (maybe a tiny crush) admiration for him cause like he's literally who she wants to be.

Young, talented and successful. He's made a name in their industry so of course she wants to work under him.

But he he's playing the male lead in an early K-Drama with the classic *she enters* and it's like the second coming out Christ being lit from behind her.

The classic 'I can't believe I never noticed how beautiful she is' in all dramas (and romcoms honestly).

You can also compare it to the corny slightly funny moments in slow motion when they miss each other/do the angsty look.

Like this.

Good old kdrama tropes.

What's interesting is that in their scene they do the opposite of what a K-Drama would usually do. They cut the music and let it become calm.

You get to breathe and relax and so does he. He feels at peace.

In K-Dramas, osts are a kind of a life line so they would most likely blare it when he has that realization.

And then at every other romantic moment after.

Another way that it could be is by using very like calm music (still the ost but still).

They do use this with having mostly romantic music in their scenes but it's usually quiet and a bit hard to hear or understand (unless you're analyzing like many of the wonderful people on this app).

Now you can argue her warm lighting in each scene from the finale and introduction represents his hope/life/good change being given back to him in the form of her (but if that's not the most romantic thing I ever heard).

Now for the flashback in the panic attack scene you could argue the blue tone he sees her in, as it usually represents some kind of sadness/distance/professionalism in this show, it can also represent his piercing blue eyes remembering her in the only shade they know how.

Good God that color grading is nuts. His eyes *ARE* the color Blue.

Now I want to talk a bit more about shot composition, color grading and color choices.

In a few interviews I've seen and read the editors, directors and others were quite serious about the shots and music they used were very much on purpose.

I mean come on.

Also Announcement from a novel/screenwriter:

EHEM

WE DON'T EVER INCLUDE NOTHING THAT CAN BE MISINTERPRETED IN SCRIPTS!

AND THE DIRECTOR WOULD DEFINITELY CUT IT IF IT WASN'T HOW HE ENVISIONED IT!

(/hj)

The most telling scenes is the beginning of omlette and the end of the episode before it.

The director had chose to show her tattoo that represents loss in a deep blue lighting which was actually in a similar lighting that Carmy and Claire were bathed in afterwards.

The quora search says it means pain, heartbreak, and emotional turmoil.

It also lines up with the rest of the shots with him preparing dinner with Claire and her being alone.

I believe this kind of represents the emotional cheating (?) going on between them as he practically abandoned her (and their child, The Bear).

(which is a wild choice for platonic coworkers)

As I've said before blue lighting is usually representative of sadness, coldness etc.

In the scene personally even without connecting it to shipping or everything the message came clear to me.

Suffocation.

He was quite literally being suffocated as in the last scene her body was on his as he stared in the distance blankly.

Honestly that shot was kind of heartbreaking because it feels like coercion in a warped way.

He feels like he should be happy, he should participate in these acts, he should be doing well.

He's fulfilling his family's wish.

So why isn't he happy?

That's my writer kicking in but that's what I got from it.

🥲 (gimme a sec i gotta cry)

But the same blue tone was used in his panic attack as the camera zoomed in.

Now the ironic part was that they used warm lighting for the scenes with Claire, but it's not that unusual.

Warm lighting has always been used to also represent a time period in the past in addition to good/warm times.

What's ironic is what's literally colored in what should represent good times isn't working.

He's remembering his family in those same tones. The past isn't helping.

But the future does.

Enter Sydney in blue.

Now blue usually represents sadness (or calm) but it's also used in futuristic scenes.

*They benefit from the cold clinical look i guess🤷🏾‍♀️*

Then he becomes calm.

I can also say that their kitchen scenes in early season 2 are blue coded but it has a calm feeling not a distant feeling. It ironically feel warm and calming despite the cool tone.

This appears in a couple other scenes in the show when he's showing her the work done in the early season.

But color wise it's usually warm tones with them as the color kind of transitions in that scene. It's half half.

His view is warm because he thinks she's good with what he did and hers is cold because he ditched her so yeah.

Now shot wise let's discuss because it's a bit obvious.

The staff head mentioned loving close ups to show the characters emotion but also to convey a sense of what's not being said.

An example of his uncertainty with Claire is the car scene. In most of his shots it's extremely close to her and gives off an awkward vibe.

But when you go to her perspective, she's more open and his shots show background and more of his character, also reflecting their relationship with each other,

This persists with the kitchen scene as well.

When I rewatch it it has that same quality. It's a bit more pulled out (obviously as they literally spent the night together so anyone would feel closer) but there's still an awkward/dreamlike feel like when its on her like she's not quite based in reality.

Or in Carmy's self sabotaging view, too good to be true.

In comparison to Sydney, the shots with her are almost always wide and open.

We see it with them as early in season one with the outside scene where he's staring her down and gets her to open up.

You can argue that almost all of their shots are as equals, or in the same frame with an openness that have/represents when they're communicating with each other. (I'm def writing about their communication)

Sydney's character is ironically what a male lead would be like and Carmy would be more of the female archetype.

Which I really appreciate now that I think about it.

The male lead is usually very successful/good at what they do, hesitant to share but when they do you feel it and know it's sincere. They're usually more bumbly with expressing when they're emotional but when they do its like a huge release. And when they love it's very obvious and excessive at times.

In comparison, Carmy is very expressive, sensitive and aware. He's devoted (Claire sorry but you don't quite count) to things he's passionate about, willing to communicate and has traits of sensitivity.

His eyes and body tells what he's feeling almost immediately. (Also JAW is just an incredible actor)

In Kdrama land their roles would be switched. Hell I can argue some American dramas as well.

Back on topic though.

The Halo Effect is there. Like all the time.

To my next point-

2. The She Looks Away, I Look At Her

Now you may argue this is very Disney Rapunzel, all that coded.

You will also be correct.

I am a Disney (more Nick honestly) kid.

This too applies to the K-Drama world nay I would say it originated there (it did not).

Do you know how many shows I can name where the male lead is just hopelessly in awe as he stared at the female lead because she just insulted him and he wants to tell her he loves her in every way.

Ring ring.

I heard The Bear calling. Yeah imma need you to clock out on this gaslighting.

time to fangirl

Look at the gif sets!

But honestly, it's a common way to show that the character cares and wants a person without outright saying it.

You understand the vibes almost instantly.

He likes her. He wants more.

She likes him. She wants more.

3. Matching Clothes

This one is a simple one but we all know how common it is in K-Dramas to have a matching something.

A good example of a recent show is Extraordinary Attorney Woo, and how they almost always matched even if he was in casual clothing and she was in office clothes.

You're supposed to get a telepathy feel from them. Like they're on the same wavelength.

In ships/shows they usually subconsciously brainwash you into details of a relationship by having them wear or have something that reminds you of them.

In wardrobe, clothing is meticulously planned to match characters financial situation and express their personality. The clothes tell the story.

And the story usually is we go together. Real bad.

So yeah, sure in this scene/episode they were more in tune and tandem and as time went on they became more disjointed.

Granted they do work in a place with uniforms but I digress.

And lastly my third point part II-

Same But Different

If this were a kdrama there'd be like 0.00% chance that they WOULDN'T happen.

First they're the main leads so duh, and second the way that they parallel each other is insane.

There are many edits and examples of them directly mirroring each other in certain situations.

Scrubbing the floors when feeling lonely seemingly in the exact same spot, stressing in the freezer, saying stuff at the same time and their weird telepathy and answering each other's - sandwiches (that's what I was gonna say).

(sorry)

And if any of you say work wife I will rage cause let me catch my man laying under a table like that!!!

Sparta!

But for real, yes there's intimacy and friendship and all that but I ain't everr look at my friends of either gender like that.

If did I probably had feelings and just kept em in. And did the Carmy puppy eyes (TM).

And yes we are aware Carmy is emotionally constipated like a coke bottle filled with mentos with a tight cap on and his lack of a social life coupled with his (many) different mental illnesses/difficulties.

So he probably doesn't even recognize or even want to recognize them as such and honestly as a 4 lifer

I'm really sad but I don't think he'll confess in the next season.

I'm making a post about it but I'm also uncertain about it lasting more than three seasons as thematically and the way it was intended to be a movie I feel kind of uncertain.

It can extend to 4 but it was intended and the way it's narratively been flowing its exactly like a 3 act structure just spread out (like butter).

The next season is after the dark of night aka main character loses everything.

This season was fun and games - quite literally him having amusement and such. (Training Arc!!) It ended with his demise I'd say.

Now there's no where to go but up.

I'm not saying that it's impossible, but a 4th season would likely be more aimed toward getting a star or maintaining a star etc and family ties and such.

That'd be most likely when, if any, outwardly romantic contact should happen.

But they might surprise me.

Butt honestly in KDrama land there's no way the set up isn't romantic even if it was just a chef or professional focused show.

I'd say it'd be standard honestly for ones focused on career with a dash of romance.

Ex. Miss Hammurabi (best example)

The Good Doctor (Japanese Version)

There's probably more but I exclusively watch romance so 🤷🏾‍♀️.

In Conclusion,

Yes. They are end game.

I also wanna say how odd it is that this ship is attacked by fans of the show and non fans alike because I've literally grew up in the age of Rise of The Brave Tangled Guardians.

There's nothing more random than that time period.

They all dated each other!

Like my guy there's a Tony the Tiger x Grinch fic and don't even get me started on the Onceler selfcest as different flavors of himself (/j i love stuff like this)!

My point is it's not that unusual for the two leads to be shipped. Same gender or not.

I also have years of teenage brain rot developed from eating movies for breakfast so I know more than you! (/hj) I'm obviously right!

I will be discussing some more of this in length at a later date.

But I rest my case.

I will retreat into my cave until next time.

[theaawalker]

melodies in bloom. [crybaby x y/n]

Pairing: CryBaby x fem!reader Song Inspo: We Fell in Love in October by girl in red Word Count: 1,728 Summary: Your return to K-12 Academy brings a mix of nostalgia and apprehension, amplified by the enigmatic presence of CryBaby, whose haunting music and mysterious aura seemed to mirror the school's unsettling undercurrents. As they gravitate towards each other amidst the eerie backdrop, you sense that CryBaby holds secrets that could unravel both the school's mysteries and their own intertwined fates. Warnings: extreme fluff Masterlist: see fandoms (pc-friendly)

The sun blazed overhead, casting a golden hue over the school grounds as Y/N strolled through the courtyard of K-12 Academy. It was a new semester, but for Y/N, everything felt familiar yet filled with untapped possibilities. She adjusted the strap of her backpack, the weight of her textbooks a discomforting reminder of the academic challenges ahead.

Returning to K-12 felt like stepping back into a suffocating routine.

"Fleur!" Y/N called out, spotting her fiery-haired friend chatting animatedly with Angelita under the shade of a cherry blossom tree. Fleur turned, a mischievous grin spreading across her face as she hurried over to Y/N.

"Hey, Y/N! Ready to tackle this new year head-on?" Fleur exclaimed, her enthusiasm contagious even in the face of Y/N's skepticism.

Y/N smirked, tossing her hair defiantly. "Sure, let's see what kind of chaos K-12 throws at us this time."

Angelita looked up from her sketchbook, her hazel eyes observing the duo with quiet amusement. "At least we can count on it being eventful."

As they walked towards the school building, Y/N couldn't help but notice the familiar faces of Celeste and Magnolia sitting under the oak tree, their usual air of sophistication and drama already in full swing.

"Did you hear CryBaby's back?" Magnolia whispered excitedly as Y/N approached.

Y/N raised an eyebrow, genuinely intrigued despite herself. "Already? I wonder what she's been up to."

Celeste rolled her eyes, stirring her salad with practiced nonchalance. "Who knows. She's always been a bit... unpredictable."

Y/N nodded, silently agreeing. CryBaby—Melanie Martinez—had always intrigued her with her unique style and the aura of mystery that surrounded her. Y/N admired CryBaby's individuality and rebellious spirit, qualities she found herself drawn to amidst the conformity of K-12.

Later that afternoon, curiosity got the best of Y/N as she found herself standing outside the music room. She could hear the faint strains of a piano and CryBaby's haunting voice drifting through the closed door. Intrigued, Y/N pushed it open quietly.

Inside, CryBaby stood by the piano, completely absorbed in the music as she poured her heart into each note. Y/N leaned against the doorframe, captivated by the raw emotion in CryBaby's voice. The song was a melancholic melody that echoed Y/N's own feelings of restlessness and longing.

CryBaby finished the song, her eyes fluttering open as she turned towards Y/N, a surprised yet gentle smile playing on her lips.

"Oh, hey," CryBaby greeted softly, her voice tinged with curiosity.

Y/N smirked, her usual spunk coming to the forefront. "Hey there. Didn't mean to crash your solo performance, but damn, CryBaby, you've got some serious talent."

CryBaby chuckled, a hint of amusement in her eyes. "Thanks. I guess I just needed to blow off some steam."

They fell into easy conversation, discussing music, art, and their shared disdain for the stifling atmosphere at K-12 Academy. Y/N found herself opening up to CryBaby in ways she hadn't with anyone else, drawn to the authenticity and defiance that defined her.

In the dimly lit music room's corner, Y/N and CryBaby found themselves surrounded by a hushed atmosphere, broken only by the soft strains of a piano melody CryBaby was playing. The room seemed to shrink around them, cocooning them in a world of their own.

CryBaby's fingers moved effortlessly over the keys, each note carrying a hauntingly beautiful quality that filled the air with melancholy and longing. Y/N leaned against the wall, her gaze fixed on CryBaby, captivated by the raw emotion pouring out through the music.

"You have such a gift," Y/N murmured softly, breaking the silence that hung between them. CryBaby paused, her fingers hovering over the keys as she turned towards Y/N, a faint smile playing on her lips.

"Thank you," she replied, her voice a gentle whisper that echoed through the room. Y/N stepped closer, drawn to CryBaby's vulnerability and the unspoken connection that seemed to bind them together.

"It's like your music tells stories that words alone can't express," Y/N continued, her eyes searching CryBaby's face.

CryBaby's gaze softened, her eyes reflecting a mixture of gratitude and understanding. "Sometimes, music is the only way I know how to make sense of everything," she confessed, tracing the piano keys.

They stood in the quiet embrace of the music room, the weight of unspoken words hanging between them like a delicate melody waiting to be resolved. Y/N reached out tentatively, her fingertips brushing against CryBaby's hand. The touch sent a jolt of electricity through Y/N, a silent acknowledgment of the emotions stirring within her.

CryBaby turned towards Y/N, her hand instinctively intertwining with Y/N's, their fingers interlocking in a silent promise of solidarity and understanding. In that moment, amidst the echoes of piano keys and the warmth of their joined hands, Y/N knew that their bond was something beyond words—a harmony that resonated deep within their souls.

And as the music continued to play, filling the room with its bittersweet melody, Y/N and CryBaby found solace in the quiet communion of their shared passion and unspoken desires.

She turned to CryBaby, a playful glint in her eyes.

"You know, CryBaby," Y/N began teasingly, nudging her shoulder gently. "You're not as mysterious as you think you are."

CryBaby raised an eyebrow, a smirk tugging at her lips. "Oh, really? And here I thought I had everyone fooled."

Y/N chuckled, the sound echoing through the quiet night. "Nah, I see right through you. Underneath that mysterious exterior, there's a softie who secretly loves cheesy romance movies."

CryBaby laughed, a genuine, unrestrained sound that made Y/N's heart skip a beat. Their eyes found each other naturally, fingers intertwining as they sat in the comfortable silence of the pastel parlor. Y/N felt a sense of ease and belonging she hadn't felt since she left home.

From that moment, Y/N and CryBaby's bond deepened, their unspoken feelings hanging in the air like a shared secret. An unsaid promise. To navigate the challenges of school life together, supporting each other's dreams and finding solace in their rebellious spirits.

Just then, a sharp feedback played in the school speakers. It must've went on for five minutes, way too long for Y/N and CryBaby to have to cover their ears.

"Attention, K-12 students," the Principal's raspy voice arose, "all must report to the grand auditorium for a final orientation before the hour. Any children who object will be sentenced to six weeks detention! ...That is all." So much for rebellious spirits.

As they walked hand in hand through the corridors of K-12, Y/N couldn't help but ponder how this semester would play out. Cruel professors. Power-abusing principals. Bratty boys. Cutthroat girls. Ghouls in ballrooms, snakes in covers, melodies of death, and worse. Despite the dissonance of their surroundings, she knew that her connection with CryBaby was a melody of its own—a vibrant tune that resonated with the beauty of two souls unafraid to defy expectations and embrace their true selves.

And amidst the chaos of K-12's relentless drama, Y/N knew that their bond was a testament to the power of authenticity and the magic of unexpected connections, even in that academic hell.

• ♧ • ♧ • ♧ • ♧ • ♧ • ♧ • ♧ • ♧ • ♧ • ♧ •

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[venusloveslobotomies]

Kyle + Kenny first hang out

Kyle

Walking into your lab, you can’t help but internally cringe, remembering that awkward first moment when you spoke to Kyle Broflovski. And now you were fated to spend every lab with him for the rest of the year. You weren’t sure whether to cry or jump for joy.

You dropped your books at the bench with Kyle and he looked up from his notes.

“Hi Y/N. Did you finish all the pre-notes yet? I’m still catching up.”

“Almost! I wasn’t able to concentrate last night.” You replied before mentally backtracking. Yeah, not able to concentrate cause you were going through every scenario of this class.

“Oh, how come?” He seemed genuinely curious but you stuttered your response.

“Oh, uhhh. Loud neighbours. Gave me a headache, y’know.” He nodded in response, continuing to bounce his gaze between you, his textbook and his notes.

The instructor began, “Alright listen up, we’re doing a rundown of our syllabus for this semester and then we’re starting off with a histological stain. So, take out your books and we’ll write out our syllabus.”

You and Kyle took notes quietly next to each other before getting up and moving the stools to get your bench ready for the sample and slides.

“Alright you’re gonna need to take your sample and immerse it in the solution. This is going to preserve your sample permanently and keep it as life-like as possible.”

Kyle began performing the first step for the both of you. You couldn’t help but admire his careful work and the look of concentration on his face. It wasn’t a difficult prac by any means, but he was a perfectionist. The way his eyes squinted slightly and his mouth stayed slightly open in a frozen expression of effort was somehow beautiful. When he looked at you, once completing the fixation, you snapped abruptly from your stupor and quickly darted your eyes to the instructions.

“Uhmm, uhh. Ok, we now have to get the ethanol and dehydrate our sample.” You ignored Kyle’s (embarrassed) smile in the background. You poured the ethanol over your sample and took it to the instructor to have it saved while it dehydrated until the next class.

“Ok everyone! Once you’re done with the first step of embedding your sample, just continue filling our your notes for the prac until noon, then you can all go.”

You returned the bench and got back to filling out your notes.

“So, uhh. Do you want to maybe catch up on the pre-notes together, We can meet at the coffee shop around the corner? Or just go after this class? If you don’t have another class, I mean.” You looked at Kyle and noticed how shaky his voice had become.

“Oh! Yeah! I like that place. I don’t have another class after this.”

“Ok, it’s a date! Well… no! Not a date! Just uhh-“

“I know what you mean.” You giggled and watched the pink grow on his cheeks. You both finished up your notes and when the clock hit 12, you packed up your books and walked out of class together.

Kenny

hey Y/N, what time do you wanna catch up? i havent got anything on tonight.

- k

hi kenny! i’m just finishing up my notes. you can come over around 7?

kool, whats ur coffee order?

- k

just vanilla cold brew, please! ill send you my address and just come whenever you want.

Something about meeting Kenny outside of school made you bounce your leg in anxiety. You’d never even spoken to him before this English class. And now this guy, who had a a reputation (even if it was all just rumors) of playing with girls’ hearts. He seemed chill enough though, if not a little jumpy.

Talk about jumpy, the way your heart bounced into your throat once the knock on your door came. You jumped up and opened the door. Kenny stood awkwardly outside, juggling two coffees and multiple paper bags.

“Let me help you!” You rushed forward to grab the coffees and he moved past you into the living room.

“Thanks. I was about to drop those!” He dropped the paper bags on the coffee table. You followed and placed the coffees down carefully.

“So, did you wanna talk through the slides while you write the notes?”

“Yeah, that works!” He offered you a blueberry muffin and you took it, gratefully. You took a bite while opening your laptop to pull up the notes he’d missed.

“Ok, so that class, we talked about the second part of ethical decision-making. That’s actions…”

“Jesus, I’m exhausted!” Kenny yawned and stretched, leaning back against the couch. You also rubbed your eyes, understanding his energy. “What time is it?”

“About 9:30!” You were surprised when you looked at your phone. Granted, you’d spent a good amount of time debating the actual points and then you’d spilled your coffee on the carpet and had to make a mad dash for the paper towels.

You were genuinely surprised at how articulate and intelligent Kenny was. He made good arguments and expressed them ever better. You reckoned he could win about any debate. He also seemed genuinely interested in your thoughts, again, a part of why your studying had dragged out so long.

“Hey, do you want pizza? I’ll buy.” You even surprised yourself with your question. He blushed a bit.

“Here? Now?”

“Well, yeah, if you want to. I’ll order it. It’s late for you to go home for dinner. I’m sorry I kept you so long.”

“No! You really helped me! I’d love to stay for pizza.” You smiled and clicked on the TV before looking through the nearby pizza places to decide which to call.

Waiting for the pizza, you realised how comfortable you were with Kenny. He was funny and smart and god, his smile was swoon-worthy. You couldn’t really blame other girls for getting sucked in by his charm.

“Hey, I have a stupid question.” He started, watching for your reaction, “What exactly have you heard about me?” Well, that definitely caught you off-guard.

“Uhhh… well. I guess that you’ve dated a lot. And that you’re a heartbreaker-” His loud, genuine laugh cut you off, startling you.

“I’ve dated two different girls. And they definitely weren’t the ones getting their hearts broken.” The last part lost his humorous tone and almost sounded… sad?

“Oh…” You flushed with embarrassment, “Sorry.”

“No, I figured. That’s why I asked. I know there’s rumors that go around about me. I just don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

Knocking on the door interrupted the serious moment and you stood to get the food.

It didn’t take too long for the mood to lighten back to soft banter and laughs as the two of you dug into the pizza. You could feel yourself getting tired though. Apparently Kenny was too, because halfway through a slice of pizza, he softly slumped sideways into you, with his head resting on your shoulder. You blushed and leaned your head back against the couch, slowly giving into the lull of sleep.

apologies, it took more than two hours, like i said 😭 i got caught up watching nausicaa.

again, thank you all for your support and love of my writing! makes me wanna happy cry 💕💕

[sniffanimal]

"Help, I'm an adult and I'm realizing I can't read or write as well as I should/would like to!"

Good news! Literacy is a skill that can be worked on, even once you're out of K-12 schooling! Here are some ways to get started with increasing your knowledge of grammar, reading comprehension, classics knowledge, and writing! Feel free to reblog with more ideas/options!

Go to the library. The brick and mortar building where all the books are. Get a library card (free), and ask a librarian to help you find books on whatever skill you want to work on! I recommend the physical building because the quiet environment, going to a specific place to learn, and access to books that may not be available digitally are all helpful!

Use Libby/Overdrive! These are apps you can use with your library card to check out ebooks. If you're used to reading fanfic on your phone, reading an ebook might be an easy transition! Many apps also have font and accessibility options that can help!

Khan Academy is a free site that has lots of different lessons on grammar and reading! They're geared towards k-12 students, but can be a good place to start if you feel they can help! I've only seen the math lessons personally, but it comes highly recommended!

Find a book you read in high school and read it again! Follow along with SparkNotes or another study guide (STILL reading the book) and think about how you feel about the book without the pressure of a grade. Did you find it more engaging? Did you notice anything new?

Read a lot! Read long form blog posts, news articles past the headlines, books, magazines, newsletters. Read your voter info pamphlets. Read the transcript of a video instead of watching it. Reading engages a different part of your brain than listening!

Start with just one book, hopefully one you already own, and take your time reading it. Keep it in your bag/pack everywhere you go. change your phone wallpaper to the cover of the book to remind you to pick it up instead of scrolling. Take all year to read it! Take your time! Just always have reading be an accessible option for you.

Practice writing more! Journal, write longer Tumblr posts than a pithy one-liner. Start a proper blog, like on dreamwidth or neocities! Write reviews of everything you read and watch and experience! Write fiction, poetry, your memoir! Don't worry about it being publishable or having an audience. Practice just sitting and writing full sentences for the joy of it.

Lastly, since I'm running out of ideas now, look into taking classes again! You don't have to pursue a degree to take English 101. Some colleges even let you Audit classes (where you take the class without receiving a grade or credit), which can be less stressful. Join a book club, or start one! Even try picking out an English textbook at the library and giving it a read.

It's never too late to learn to love reading again. And to get better at it, and even write works of your own. It's not shameful to be a bad reader/writer, but it can be fixed. Happy reading!

[radioregine]

wip snippet #1 [novella project 'dagmar']

context: this is from 'part 1: machinations' of my queer dark fantasy/horror novella. we're laying the foundation for the way our protag, 18-year-old zeke omezie-fumudoh, views her world and her girlhood and her one-sided attraction to authority figures

taglist [anyone wanting to be added/removed from this or other taglists for my work, pls shoot me an ask or dm! finally figured that is the best way for me personally to keep track of things] :

@s-pendragon7 @sshawthorne @kyuponstories @heartshapedgreen @halfbit

@juliebarnes

@agirlandherquill @leahnardo-da-veggie

--

I think he’s pretty in a ‘can I make out with your brain’ way.

He spent so much of the first years he had me trying to get me to Form Good Habits — and God, was I resistant to writing everything by hand (I write like a doctor, I type so much better), to doing the cartography assignments (a handmade map copied out of the textbook for Every. Single. Learning Unit), etc, etc.

Until end of 11th grade hit me with the realization that I only had one more year in which I'd be justified in hanging around him all the time. Just like that: I was leaning into everything I admire about him, and his mind, and all his quirks. My own Senior Sendoff (since Dodie’s not here but let's not dwell on that now).

The new block schedule means I get to bask in him more during his sessions. I, like all the other students, use the excess time to help him decorate his classroom and rearrange desks and all the things good pupils should do. I, like all the other students, get told ‘lovely job, dear’ — but I’m fairly certain I’m of a small, small population of people really honing in on the use of ‘dear’. It’s a pet name and I know it’s platonic but I love silly teacher crushes so much, it’s fun to imagine the pet names are meant as sweetly as I want them to be. The camp and melodrama and theatrics of it all. Performance. Girlhood as Drag and Cabaret.

I had a similar teacher pet name sitch when I took a supplemental history course on a whim last year. Miss Hendrix made me shudder every time she did roll call. She made me shudder just by existing. I loved studying her. She was a Young Teacher, bright and tiny and could've been in K-12 with me, she wasn't that far out of college. She had that … surfer blonde look. Peggy Lipton in the 60s. Or Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown. She was a history teacher that teased the hipsters among us about our old movie obsessions. Listen, I was failing that class 'cause I couldn't pay attention 'cause every time she called me 'honey' I thought I’d melt through the floor into the bottom of the earth.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Christina Buttons

Published: Dec 11, 2024

In interviews, I’ve often shared how I became a journalist after discovering the stories of detransitioners—stories that deeply resonated with my own struggles with mental health and identity. I’ve been very open about the severe mental health crises I faced in my youth and have frequently alluded to the "bad decisions" I made as a young adult. As my public profile grew, I was prepared for the inevitability that those bad decisions would become known. Now that they have, I want to use this moment to share my story in the hope that it can be instructive and bring attention to an issue I believe is preventing many from recovering from mental illness.

There’s been much speculation about the ongoing youth mental health crisis, particularly about why liberals—especially liberal girls—report the highest rates of mental illness. Some have suggested that locus of control plays a contributing role. Those with an external locus of control, who believe their lives are shaped by forces beyond their control, tend to be less mentally well and lean more liberal. In contrast, those with an internal locus of control, who believe they have agency over their lives, are generally mentally healthier and more likely to align with conservative values.

This idea resonates deeply with me and my own experiences, and I want to expand on it. I believe young people, especially liberals, are constantly bombarded with messages that reinforce an external locus of control. This concept is central to the book I am writing, where I lay out the origins of this mindset and the effect it has on people. A significant contributor is the brain disease model of mental illness. This biomedical model, which portrays mental illness as a medical condition, profoundly shaped my sense of self growing up and, I believe, continues to influence how many young people perceive themselves and their struggles.

The Brain Disease Model of Mental Illness

In the 1980s, psychiatry sought to establish itself as a legitimate branch of scientific medicine by adopting a biomedical model, which framed mental disorders as brain diseases. This approach offered a straightforward explanation: mental illnesses result from biological dysfunctions, such as chemical imbalances, and require medical treatment. One of the most influential narratives born from this model was the serotonin theory of depression, which claimed that depression was caused by low levels of serotonin in the brain.

Endorsed by professional organizations like the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), textbooks, and influential research papers, the brain disease model of mental disorders became a cornerstone of psychiatric practice and public understanding for 40 years. Pharmaceutical companies spent billions on advertising campaigns promoting psychotropic drugs as solutions to chemical imbalances. Public awareness initiatives claimed it would reduce stigma surrounding mental illness. As a result, surveys find that 80–90% of people believe depression is caused by a chemical imbalance.

However, this narrative was built more on marketing than science. Billions of dollars in neuroscience research over decades have failed to uncover clear and convincing evidence for a biological basis for mental disorders. The serotonin theory of depression, in particular, lacked substantial evidence and was debunked in 2022 by a systematic umbrella review. Despite this, there has been no major effort to correct public misconceptions or hold accountable those who promoted this idea without evidence.

The chemical imbalance theory remains the dominant cultural narrative about depression in the United States. Many states are now incorporating mental health education into K-12 curricula, but depending on how this education is conducted, it could cause more harm than good. For example, a Minnesota curriculum for middle and high school students, developed by the pharma-funded advocacy group National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), teaches that mental illnesses are "brain disorders," emphasizing that "Biology, not a character flaw, causes mental illness."

This is a vast oversimplification. While hereditary components and traits like neuroticism may predispose individuals to negative thinking or mental health challenges, they do not determine their fate. Yet, in my recent interviews with young adults in treatment for mental health crises, every one of them described their mental disorder as a chemical imbalance or brain condition. They attributed the actions that led them into treatment to their disorder, viewing it as a lifelong condition, which they lacked control over.

Given the ubiquity of the biomedical model, it should come as no surprise that mental disorders are among the leading causes of disability—costing the U.S. economy upwards of $280 billion annually. As of 2022, over one in five adults in the U.S.—59.3 million people—report a mental illness diagnosis. For adolescents aged 13–18, the rate is even higher, with an estimated 49.5%—nearly one in two—diagnosed.

The lead author of the 2022 systematic umbrella review, Joanna Moncrieff, stated that "telling people they have a brain abnormality, or some physical medical problem, is profoundly disempowering." She is absolutely right. Such messaging undermines a person’s sense of agency and is particularly harmful to young, developing minds.

As a teenager immersed in a mental health system rooted in the biomedical model, I internalized the belief that something was fundamentally wrong with my brain and that I lacked control over my behavior. My story is one of breaking free from the constraints of this medical framework, overcoming the mental health challenges it reinforced, and reclaiming a sense of personal agency over my life.

Tumultuous Teen Years

I received many diagnoses throughout my life, the most recent being Asperger's syndrome at age 30. While I remain skeptical of behaviorally-diagnosed conditions and mindful of confirmation bias, I can see, in hindsight, early signs from childhood that align with the traits ascribed to Asperger's. From a young age, my life was continually punctuated by one all-consuming interest after another. I struggled to make and maintain friendships, and spent most of my time alone and engaging in solitary activities like staring into puddles and overturning rocks to observe small life forms, catching tadpoles, arranging my toys in elaborate setups, and drawing.

I was rigid and found comfort in routines, rewatching the same VHS tapes or listening to the same cassettes on repeat. My eating habits were similarly fixed—I was a very picky eater, choosing the same plain foods every day. I was also particular about textures, always preferring soft, stretchy fabrics. Physically, I was clumsy and uncoordinated, and I was highly sensitive to my environment.

But the real trouble didn't begin until early adolescence, when my family moved to a new city and I started middle school. I was not socially successful and was teased by other kids. The rejection felt monumental, leading me to become increasingly self-critical and withdrawn. The noisy, chaotic areas where kids gathered were overwhelming, so I often sought refuge in teachers’ classrooms during breaks and lunch or found quiet, secluded spots to be alone. 

I began experiencing feelings of body dysmorphia, becoming hyperfocused on my flaws. I wore the same baggy black sweatshirt and stretchy blue jeans every day. I thought I was hideous and hid my face behind a wall of hair. I developed dermatillomania, compulsively picking at my scalp, as a way to self-comfort.

In class, I would repetitively draw the same figures and faces, retreating into a fantasy world—first Sailor Moon, then The Legend of Zelda, then Lord of the Rings—to escape from reality. Sometimes, I became so overwhelmed that I would get up and walk out of class, only to be sent to the counselor’s office. They recommended to my parents that I see a therapist. After school, I would go straight to my room and draw the curtains. I spent countless hours on the computer, teaching myself to code and designing websites dedicated to whatever my current interest was.

In 2002, when I was 13, my 7-year-old neighbor Danielle van Dam was raped and killed by our 49-year-old neighbor, David Westerfield. It was a big event in our community, and it deeply affected me. I followed the trial closely and collected the newspaper clippings about the case. I developed insomnia and obsessive-compulsive habits: walking around the house at night, checking the locks over and over, and washing my hands until they were raw. 

Entering highschool, my mental health further plummeted and my relationship with my parents deteriorated. I was 14 when I started carving up my body with knives and razor blades. My outward appearance started to reflect my darker inner world; I dyed my hair red and wore heavy eyeliner. I became anorexic, and at 5’8”, my lowest weight was under 100 pounds. My biceps showed brown discoloration from muscle wasting. I began feeling like it would be better if I died.

It was during a visit to the psychiatrist in 2003 that I received a diagnosis of major depressive disorder after a brief meeting reviewing a checklist of symptoms. This was the first time I heard depression described as a "chemical imbalance" in my brain. This explanation made me feel hopeless, as it implied that my brain was somehow defective—I was born with this condition, and had no power to change it. During that appointment, I made a long slice down my arm in the bathroom with a razor blade, resulting in an emergency room visit and my first stay in a psychiatric hospital.

In 2004, I was caught in a cycle of crises, repeatedly accessing emergency rooms, psychiatric hospitals, outpatient programs, and group homes. I received numerous diagnoses from different psychiatrists and was prescribed a range of high-dose psychotropic medications—including one that caused a life-threatening rash and another that required regular EKGs.

At every step, the idea that mental illness was a brain disease I suffered from, and would have for the rest of my life, was reinforced. The lexicon of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) shaped my worldview, and I became preoccupied with finding the "correct" diagnosis so that I could better understand myself. The way the adults in my life referred to me as "sick" and "mentally ill" and described my behavior as "out of control" influenced my self-perception, and I took on the role of a sick person. 

Due to my extensive absences from high school, I had an Individualized Education Program (IEP). As part of the evaluation process, they conducted psychological testing and classroom observations. The evaluator’s notes documented my monotone voice, "limited eye contact," "flat affect," instances of "stumbling while walking and almost falling," and that “test results indicate a large number of atypical perceptual experiences.” They also noted "social immaturity," "significant inflexibility in her thinking," "difficulty identifying feelings," "tendency to express emotions indirectly and impulsively," and that “when the teacher used humor in the classroom, Christina did not smile or appear to respond in the same manner as her peers.” 

I also received a near-perfect score on Raven’s Progressive Matrices, a nonverbal intelligence test that measures an individual’s ability to identify patterns—a result I later learned is common among individuals with Asperger’s. However, Asperger’s was largely viewed as a "boys' disorder" at the time and was not considered in my case. Instead, my IEP labeled my disability as “Emotionally Disturbed.”

As my behavior escalated and became increasingly risky, I began seeking out drugs and alcohol. Things took a drastic turn for the worse when an internet predator found me on Myspace and began grooming me. He was 47, and I was only 15. He had deceived me, and when I met him in person, he raped me. The emotional pain was so unbearable afterwards that I tried to hang myself.

From the emergency room, I was placed in another psychiatric hospital—but this time there was no going home afterward. It became clear to my parents that I needed a higher level of care than they could provide. After running away from two lower-security residential treatment facilities, flunking out of a wilderness program in Idaho, and several more psychiatric hospital stays, I arrived at my final destination: a lockdown psychiatric residential treatment center in Utah called Provo Canyon School, where I would live for a year.

While other kids were getting their learner’s permits, celebrating their sweet sixteens, and attending school dances, I was in treatment. It was an intense, highly structured behavior modification program with a level system I had to work through to achieve a high status. It wasn’t easy or enjoyable, but it was effective in helping me break free from the cycle of crisis so that I could safely return home. (This type of treatment is in decline—a topic I’m passionate about and have several upcoming articles addressing.)

As for my rapist, he served less than six months in jail. This type of crime carried lighter penalties 20 years ago. I later learned that he reoffended four years later with another underage girl. He's still on the sex offender registry.

Young Adulthood

Things were stable at home for a while, and I managed to complete my GED at 17, but my relationship with my parents remained strained. By 19, living at home was no longer an option, and I found myself on my own. A friend’s family offered me a temporary place to stay, but I didn't want to be a burden on them, so I quickly moved in with a boyfriend I had just met.

We had a roommate who eventually moved out, leaving me needing additional income to cover expenses. I began doing photoshoots, which were initially clothed. However, after I was let go from my job as a nanny, the shoots progressed to unclothed. My boyfriend at the time, who had stopped working, either encouraged it or didn’t discourage it. This period is difficult to recall, as I’ve tried hard to forget it.

When the relationship ended, he left the country, abandoning me with significant debt, unpaid rent, and lease-breaking fees from our apartment. Our former roommate, who was also on the lease, was forced to cover the apartment fees to protect her credit and threatened legal action against me, leaving me desperate to find money quickly.

I eventually agreed to meet with a representative from an agency that had been hounding me, which led to my decision to make adult films to pay off my debt. At the time, and for several months thereafter, I believed I had bipolar disorder. However, I later realized that the instability I felt stemmed from other factors, including heavy drinking. My behavior mirrored my sense of self-worth—I saw myself as a mentally ill, degenerate loser, and I acted accordingly.

I was purely in survival mode, with no one to call for help and without the kind of stability one typically needs to think about the future and consider how my choices would impact me later in life. I was also very naive, believing that the content would remain on obscure, paywalled websites, unaware that free porn sites were beginning to dominate the internet.

While I don’t judge others who have chosen to do sex work, I would strongly discourage anyone considering it, as my own experience was traumatic and soul-crushing. I decided to work with an agency because I thought it would be safer, but my last assignment proved otherwise. They sent me to a hotel room with a man with a camera who choked me, hurt me, and ignored my cries and pleas to stop. Even after that, the agency relentlessly pressured me to continue, but I was done. In three and a half weeks, I had made enough to pay off my debt. How the owners chose to distribute, repackage, and republish the content at later dates and under multiple titles was entirely beyond my control.

Getting Better

Afterwards, I worked as a freelance graphic artist, but I was still directionless, turning to dangerous combinations of drugs and alcohol. That changed when I was 22 and began working for an employer whose family became a surrogate family to me. He believed in me, saw potential I couldn’t see in myself, and encouraged me to go back to school. For the first time, someone expected more from me—he didn’t treat me like I was a sick person or try to take advantage of me.

He introduced me to science, which quickly became my all-consuming passion. He gave me books on skepticism and debunking pseudoscience, which I devoured, and we watched debates on atheism that taught me about argumentation and logical fallacies.

I used to feel like a passive witness to my own life, watching myself make one bad decision after another, driven by emotions and impulses I couldn’t control due to my underlying mental illness. I had never been taught to think critically or base my beliefs on evidence, like a scientist. Learning how to think critically—and applying those techniques to myself—was the turning point when everything began to change.

There’s a meme I like that says, “Anxiety is just conspiracy theories about yourself.” The key is learning to debunk those conspiracy theories and spot the logical fallacies in your own thinking. This mindset shift helped me immensely. I also discovered Stoic philosophy, which taught me that I could choose not to react to emotional triggers and that no one could disturb my inner peace unless I allowed it—something I wasn't even aware was possible.

I believe many mental health challenges stem from the belief that we lack control over our thoughts and emotions. The truth is, you can train your brain. The mind is like a muscle; just as you wouldn’t expect to transform your body in a single day at the gym, strengthening your mind takes consistent effort and hard work. If you stick with it, you get stronger every day.

Challenging my negative self-talk was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. After over a decade of habitual self-criticism, catastrophizing, and black-and-white thinking, breaking those thought patterns felt almost insurmountable. But this process—essentially cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in practice—was transformative. While a therapist trained in CBT can offer valuable guidance, real progress comes from consistently applying these strategies in your everyday life.

Through this work, I developed an internal locus of control and a sense of agency that had been missing for most of my life. For the first time, I no longer saw myself as mentally ill and destined for a life of failure: I felt like I was truly in charge of my thoughts, my actions, and my future.

Aftermath

I eventually reconnected with my family, and we’re very close now. While making friends became somewhat easier as I got older, maintaining those friendships remained a challenge. Throughout my twenties and early thirties, I still struggled with identity issues, which led to a somewhat unconventional life as I searched for direction. I moved frequently, even living in Switzerland at one point, changed my college major several times, changed my appearance often, worked as a caregiver for special needs children and adults, tagged along on tour with Alice Cooper, illustrated children’s books, and became a social justice meme-maker for a short time before undergoing a political realignment.

Clarity came at age 30, when I was assessed for and diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. This often presents differently in girls and can go undetected, as comorbidities tend to emerge around puberty, shifting the focus away from the underlying condition.

Hypersensitivity to light and sound, social difficulties, obsessive interests, repetitive behaviors, struggles with abstract thinking and executive functioning, auditory processing challenges, food intolerances, motor-balance issues, and possibly even the cerebellum abnormalities revealed in my MRI all finally seemed to fit into a cohesive narrative. However, I am now cautious not to let any diagnosis define my identity. Instead, I focus on accommodating myself to better manage the associated symptoms so that they don't interfere with the life I want.

Even after this revelation, my life still lacked purpose. It was only in recent years, after becoming a journalist, that I truly felt like I had found my calling. Journalism has given me a sense of accomplishment and self-worth. It’s an exciting career that allows me to leverage my strengths in research and writing, along with traits like hyper-focus, an obsessive drive to deeply understand topics, attention to detail, and the ability to work long hours without fatigue. It’s a profession where I can pursue my love of learning while helping others stay informed.

In my work with detransitioners, I conducted a survey revealing 85.7% reported that their healthcare providers, including doctors and therapists, described being transgender as a biological characteristic beyond their control—a medical condition necessitating treatment. Additionally, 49.2% recalled providers framing their transgender identity as a brain condition, using the phrase "male brain in a female body" and vice versa. This framing drew striking parallels to my own experience with the brain disease model of mental illness. Both present psychiatric conditions as innate and immutable traits, profoundly shaping young people's self-perception and undermining their sense of personal agency.

Learning about the history of psychiatry, combined with my personal experience, and the experiences of detransitioners, has really shaken my faith in the field, leading me to wonder if it deserves the outsized trust we place in it.

Diagnostic categories within the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) reflect the opinions of appointed experts rather than being grounded in consistently replicated scientific research. Psychiatric diagnoses are often unreliable because they are based on subjective criteria, such as self-reports from patients, behavioral observations, and clinician interpretation, all of which are susceptible to bias and error. Recent research has highlighted a significant amount of overlap within DSM-defined disorder categories, leading some researchers to conclude that psychiatric diagnosis is "scientifically meaningless." 

And yet, the DSM has become a globalizing force, spreading predominantly Western concepts of mental health to other cultures, often driven by the interests of pharmaceutical companies and professional organizations. This has contributed to the rise of diagnostic fads and diagnostic inflation, where increasingly broad criteria pathologize human behavior, labeling it as mental disorders. 

We have to consider how the DSM serves as a powerful cultural script, and influences how we express and communicate our distress. While there is some utility in classifying mental and emotional distress, diagnoses are often misunderstood as the cause of a person’s struggles, leading many to define themselves by these labels. This can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where belief in a diagnosis influences the manifestation of symptoms—even when the diagnosis is incorrect.

We need to step back from the brain disease model of mental illness and rethink how we understand life’s difficulties. Unwanted thoughts and emotions are not simply the result of abnormal brain chemistry requiring chemical correction. In many cases, they can be changed with effort and persistence—but that process begins by rejecting the idea that you lack the power to make those changes.

Mental illness should not be viewed as a permanent condition or a defining aspect of one's identity. Instead, it should be seen as something to work toward overcoming—to the extent it is possible. This perspective may not apply uniformly to all conditions, such as psychotic disorders, but in most cases, recovery even from serious mental illness is attainable. Believe you are sick, and you will be sick; believe you can get better, and you can.