#Jason Todd is not adopted

[wordingg]

Free Tire Removal Service

Note: I wrote this for the 40th Anniversary Jason Todd Exchange. This was my gift for G_of_Thorn.

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The first time Jason Todd stole the wheels off the Batmobile he was fifteen and it nearly cost him his life. You would think that he would know better than to do it again.

But, Jason wasn’t a fifteen year old kid helpless in the mean streets of Gotham’s seediest districts anymore. He was the big bad Red Hood and he wasn't afraid of the Bat or Two Face or even the Joker (especially the Joker). So, the first time he saw the Batmobile parked in HIS DISTRICT (the nerve, seriously) Jason didn’t hesitate to jack those big beautiful truck tires. Seriously, he didn’t even know they made them that big. He didn’t stick around to see what the Bat would do once he found his ride up on cinder blocks. He rolled those big ass tires all the way to the nearest chop shop, sold them for a mint (because really who was going to try and rip off the Red Hood) and took the money straight to Abuela Gutierrez. She could put the money to good use.

The second time he ran into the Batmobile it was in Tricorner. Not his usual stomping grounds, but he had a hot tip that Carmine Falcone was storing his heroine in a storage unit there and had made a short trip to the island to wire up a little c4 and blow the whole unit to kingdom come. On the way back, he happened to see something glossy black in a narrow alleyway behind a Thai restaurant that had him doing a u-turn on his bike. There she was, the Batmobile, so glossy black it looked like candy paint.

It wasn’t the Bowery, not even close to it. But, Jason ws burning with curiosity about whether the Bat had taken any precautions after his last tidy haul. Besides, he had a collapsible tire iron in his saddlebag.

(The bat had taken precautions and added alarms on all the tires. But, Jason was no amateur and he disabled them before removing all the tires and rolling them the two city blocks to the water's edge and pushing them in.)

The third time wasn’t even him. He was out of town handling a shipment of epi-pens, mifepristone and other needed medications being shipped in from Canada hush hush like through a friend of a friend. He had two clinics set up in the Bowery by then, but keeping them stocked with the real essentials was a pain in the ass that a little bit of smuggling could easily solve for him. Fuck tariffs anyway they could eat his entire ass.

When he came back to Gotham, everyone was talking about how four kids no older than thirteen were seen rolling tires almost as big as them away from crime alley, all of them wearing red hoodies. Jason was so proud he could have cried. There was real hope in the next generation.

He sent a cake and a metric ton of burritos to the houses of each kid and made an announcement to all his guys. Any bat vehicle parked in the bowery was fair game. If any bat tried to give any of his people trouble for fucking with their cars, bikes or fucking unicycles, they could rest assured that the Red Hood would have their back.

Jason had expected that to be the beginning of open season. He was spoiling for a fight, if he was honest. It was either the Bats or Carmine Falcone and honestly he wasn’t all that interested in trying to go up against Falcone yet. He had been funneling the money he made from drugs (only non-addictives), drag races, and gambling dens back into the community. He had set up homeless shelters, free childcare centers, clinics, and children’s homes all throughout the Bowery, all with good people who he knew could be trusted. Anything that was leftover went straight to families that needed it. The Bowery was big, but it was also close and everyone basically lived in everyone else’s pockets. They kept things insular and they took care of their own and it was never hard to ask a few abuelas or nanas about who in the community could use his help the most. Still, that didn’t leave a lot of money left over to invest in weapons or hiring outside goons to go throw themselves into the line of fire.

The bats were the next best thing. The only problem was that they weren’t biting.

Jason had gotten a visit from Batman early on in his campaign to take over the Bowery. It was a joke, honestly. Jason had just started to wage a bloody one man war against Black Mask to push him out of the Bowery. He didn’t have a gang yet, just a duffle bag full of impressive weaponry and a death wish. And one night there Batman was perching on his window all dark and foreboding. Instead of fucking off when Jason took a few pot shots at him, he just started droning on about how Jason was a criminal and if he didn’t stop with all the violence and bloodshed, he would be getting another visit from him and next time he wouldn’t be so nice.

Oh, so scared. /s

What a douchebag.

Jason didn’t pay him any mind. Partially because he already thought that Batman was a grandstanding jackass who only ever showed up if he could get a big front page piece written about him in the Gotham Gazette. Where was Batman when his dad was beating him? Or when his mom was passing out on street corners? It didn’t even have to be particularly his mom and dad. When had Batman ever helped anyone who lived in the Bowery, in the poorest part of the city, like him? Never, as far as he knew. Batman barely ever set foot in the Bowery. The rest of his reason was because he wanted Batman to pick a fight with him. It had been a while since Jason met someone he couldn't beat in a fair fight and he was looking forward to punching the Bat in the face.

Jason succeeded in not just pushing Black Mask out of Gotham, but actually spun his ass out so bad that he was lucky to own one shitty strip club and a bar out in the West End. Batman never showed up again. Jason mostly forgot about him and focused on his own shit.

Until now. Who knew that Jason could still be disappointed in Batman even after all these years?

Despite the open invitation to come fuck with him, no Batman ever showed his face in the Bowery. Batman and all of his associates weren’t seen in the Bowery for months after the kids stole his tires. It was a bummer. Most of his people seemed happy about it though. They were all patting themselves on the back for scaring off the big bad bat. So, Jason shrugged it off. At least it was good for morale.

Until finally one of them showed up.

A late night in May, under cold drizzling spring rain, Jason spotted a bright red spot of color shooting down the streets toward Otisburg, cutting right through the center of the Bowery. He followed it on the rooftops for a while before it pulled into what he thought was a locked underground garage and disappeared. Intrigued, Jason followed.

The garage was locked when he got to it, but he was able to enter the building it was built under and access the garage from there. Inside was a lot of garbage, a few abandoned cars and oh hello. A glossy red coupe with a definitely illegal tint on the windows. Not to mention a garishly obvious stylized R painted on the hood. Jesus. Way to keep a low profile.

Still, Jason was so pumped to finally get a chance to take another pot shot at the Bats that he didn’t just take the tires off. No, he also removed the suicide doors, the bucket seats, and was under the hood working on detaching and lifting out the engine with a chain tossed over a metal support beam in the ceiling when the boy wonder himself finally came back.

“Hey! HEY!” Robin shouted, sprinting at Jason from somewhere in the dark garage, his voice sounding a lot more frantic the closer he got. “OH MY GOD! What have you done to MY CAR?!” he screeched by the time he came to a sliding stop a few feet away from the car itself. Jason had carefully placed each piece he removed from the car beside it so it looked like a halo of car parts surrounding the chassis up on cinder blocks.

“Oh, well look who it is!” Jason sang as he popped up from under the hood holding an adjustable wrench in his hand. “If it isn’t the bird brained idiot who parked his car in my territory. How’s it going, bird brained idiot? Catch any ne’er do wells today?”

“How did you do all this? The seats? THE STEREO?!” Robin bemoaned, going from one item on the ground to the next like he didn’t know where to look.

“Oh my god,” Jason sighed, rolling his eyes so hard he thought he might have seen his brain for a second. He dropped the radiator to the ground with a loud clang and walked over to where the chain hooked around the engine was hanging from a beam in the ceiling and gave it a testing pull. It was still attached in a few spots, since he wasn’t actually ready to take it out yet. But, he could probably pull off his big coup de grace well enough. He had the core strength for it.

“HEY ASSHOLE” Jason shouted and Robin’s head popped up, his face a comic masterpiece of crestfallen and confused.

Once Jason had his attention, he gave a powerful pull on the chain and the whole front of the car lifted off the ground for one brief glorious moment before with a horrendous sound of wrenching metal and torn vinyl piping the last few bits and bobs connecting the engine to the rest of the car gave out and the whole thing ripped free of the chassis, dropping the car back onto the front cinder blocks with a loud clang.

Robin wailed a distraught “NO STOP WHAT ARE YOU-” but froze as his car came crashing down to Earth with an ear shattering bang.

Jason guided the engine block down off the chain and onto the dirty garage floor and then dusted his hands off on his jeans. Robin was still frozen in shock, his hand still half raised toward his car. Jason tapped his adjustable wrench on Robin’s shoulder as he went by him.

“Stay out of the Bowery, twerp,” he said brightly and then strolled out of the garage humming a merry tune.

-----

Jason was exceedingly pleased with how well pranking Robin had gone, but he assumed that would be the end of it for the bats for a while. Batman had obviously gotten the message loud and clear and Jason would eat his own shoe if Robin so much as saw the word Bowery in a book and didn’t shudder in terror. Surely, they had the message now that no bat was safe in the Bowery and he wouldn’t have to worry about seeing any more after that.

Except that Jason developed a shadow just a few days after his run in with Robin.

Once the sun went down and Jason put his helmet on, he could feel that he was being followed. He couldn’t see whoever was following him, but he could feel them. Like a breath on the back of your neck or a sense of foreboding, he knew he was being followed everywhere by unblinking eyes as soon as he donned the Red Hood.

It took a week before Jason finally admitted that he wouldn’t be able to catch whoever it was who was watching them. No amount of turning around or taking strange turns or changing up his routine could shake the feeling of being watched. But, he could at least let them know that he knew he was being watched.

He was on top of his own apartment building, sitting between planters full of cherry tomato and pepper plants still small in their big five gallon pots when he called out, “I know you’re there! You could at least come out and say hello!”

He wasn’t wearing his helmet. It was the end of his night, so he had taken it off and was dragging on a cigarette before heading inside. But, he was still armed and in his body armor and it had been an easy night, except for the constant eyes always putting him on edge. If this was likely to work, he didn’t see why he shouldn’t try it then. Not that he was actually expecting ‘asking nicely’ to work.

So, imagine his surprise when a thin dark figure separated itself from the shadows at the far end of the roof and stepped toward him.

Jason startled so hard he almost dropped his cigarette over the side of the roof. Almost.

“Whoa! Ah, okay, hi hello. I really didn’t think that would work,” Jason stumbled over his words.

The shadow tilted its head at him and oh look it had little bat ears. Guess that answered that.

“You broke Robin’s car,” the shadow said in halting uncertain speech. They also had the voice of a young girl.

“I didn’t break his car, I just disassembled it. He can put it back together,” Jason said with a wry grin. He was tempted to take another drag of his cigarette but wanted to be ready if she lunged at him.

“You stole Batman’s tires,” the little shadow added, stalking closer but staying at the edges of the roof.

“Okay, I did do that. Multiple times, even,” Jason said, his grin turning smug as he remembered the satisfied feeling he had each time he rolled those tires away from that shining black monster of a vehicle.

“Can’t steal my tires,” the little shadow said, it’s voice lilting up in a teasing tone.

“Oho,” Jason laughed, some of the tension bleeding out of his body. He wasn’t sure he could take such a sneaky shadow in a fair fight, but if she just wanted to play, then that was fine with him. “Pretty confident, huh? What makes you say that?”

“Don’t drive,” she said with such a perfectly innocent shrug that it made Jason bray out a loud uncontrolled laugh.

“You got me there!” he said, once he caught his breath. “But, bats and birds still aren’t allowed in the Bowery. I’ll figure something out,” Jason said with a dangerous grin. “I’m the Red Hood, by the way. Don’t think we’ve been properly introduced,” he added with a genteel little sketch of a bow.

“You’re Jason Todd,” the little shadow said confidently and Jason was so shocked he almost fell over. But, luckily he was leaning against the low wall around the roof, so he didn’t. That would have been embarrassing. 

“I’m Black Bat,” she said, holding out one slim hand encased completely in ink black kevlar.

Jason took her hand and shook it firmly. She squeezed his hand just as strongly back. “You’re scary as hell, but don’t think I won’t find a way to get the best of you,” he said.

“Good luck,” she tittered and then was gone almost before he could blink.

-----

Jason pondered for a good long while how to catch the Black Bat. If she didn’t drive, then his current method of fucking with the bats was out. He considered just fighting her, as that was normally his go to for dealing with people who didn't listen to him. But, he also liked her and even if she was scary as hell she was also tiny and sounded feminine. He was not ignorant of the optics of a huge tank of a guy like him fighting a girl as tiny as her. That tossed out most of the physical stuff and put him back in prank territory. Something he didn’t have much experience with, if he was honest with himself. So, off to YouTube he went.

There were a staggering array of options when it came to pranking someone, Jason found out. Jason would never admit it, but he lost hour upon hour looking up all the different kinds of pranks people played on each other. A lot of them weren’t options because they were either too mean or required you to live with the person, but finally he settled on one he thought a young girl would probably appreciate. Buying the crafts was a fun experience in ribbing, but Mrs. Cotilla who ran the dollar store was nice enough not to give him too hard of a time for all the weird shit he was buying.

Then, all he had to do was wait for her to show up. Or, for him to feel her eyes on the back of his head and call her down, more than likely.

So again imagine his surprise when he felt eyes on his back but also heard footsteps. Was she getting sloppy? Or was she trying to give him a chance? If that was the case he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Reaching into the pouch on his hip where he had been keeping his secret ammo just for her, Jason whirled as fast as he could and chucked the pouch at where he had heard her coming up on him as hard as he could.

The first thing he saw was an explosion of red and black glitter as his glitter bomb collided with something. The second thing he realized was that the thing his bomb had collided with was not a young girl all in black but a young girl all in eggplant purple who was gaping at him while she was covered head to toe in red glitter.

“DID YOU JUST GLITTER BOMB ME!” she shrieked holding her arms out at her side.

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLACK BAT!” he shouted back, holding his hands out palms up.

“Glitter! For me?” Black Bat called, her voice all excitement and teasing as she separated herself from the shadow of a water tank and jumped as light as a cat to stand beside the girl in purple. She picked up the glitter bomb from the ground and gasped in delight as she squeezed it and it rained more sparkling plastic pieces.

Jason pressed a hand to his chest and tried to slow his beating heart. “Shit. Yes,” he gasped, taking a deep breath. “I told you I was gonna get you somehow!” he shouted once he realized that she was there and the glitter trap had finally been sprung.

“You didn’t get her though! You got me!” purple girl shouted, trying to brush the glitter off of her front and only succeeding in grinding it into the fabric more. “God dammit! And it had to be red?”

“Never would have got me,” Black Bat said, tossing the glitter bomb to the ground once it was no longer making little puffs of red sparkles when she squeezed it.

“I’ve still got plenty more of these things. I’ll get you. You’ll see,” Jason blustered, putting his hands on his hips.

“I want the glitter,” Black Bat said, holding her hand out and putting her other hand on her hip mirroring Jason. “Give.”

“What? Fuck. No,” he said, confused and on the backfoot. “Why would I give you the glitter? Hell no.” But she just kept standing there with her hand out looking tiny and threatening. And, Jason had made them for her. And, there was no way in hell he was going to hit her with one of these things. She could at least enjoy his hard work, he guessed. “Goddammit,” he spit and handed her the pouch full of glitter bombs.

She hummed happily as she pawed through the pouch, sending up more little poofs of red glitter dust before selecting a glitter bomb. She weighed it in her hand, tossing it up and down and then whipped it at Jason as hard as a baseball pitcher nailing him square in the forehead. Luckily the glitter bombs were just made of cotton balls, red and black glitter and burlap so he didn’t feel anything but a rain of glitter sprinkle down his face and chest.

“Jesus fuck,” he groaned, not even bothering to try and get the dust off. He knew from experience that it would take days for it to leave his skin and hair.

“Avenged,” Black Bat said to the purple girl.

“That’s why you’re my actual best friend,” purple girl sang.

“This is my friend,” Black Bat said to Jason, gesturing at purple girl with the pouch of glitter bombs she still held in her hand.

“Spoiler,” Purple girl added.

“Spoiler for what?” Jason asked, his nose wrinkling as he frowned and tried to shake glitter out of his bangs.

“No, like, my name is Spoiler. Like, I spoil all your evil plans! Get it?”

“Seriously?” he turned to Black Bat. “You guys let her go out with a name like that?”

“Hey! Like you have any room to talk! You’re not even wearing a hood right now that’s a fucking domino!”

“Hey, this isn’t feedback hour, okay? My name is ironic,” Jason spat back.

“YOU STARTED IT!” purple girl shouted back.

“Hey,” Black Bat interrupted them, poking Jason in the side which gave him a little start because okay when did she get so close. “Spoiler has a bike.”

“Huh? Uh, yeah. Why does that matter?” purple girl asked looking confused.

Jason was also confused for a second before the clouds parted and God smiled down on his poor bedazzled ass and he realized what Black Bat was getting at.

“Did you park it in the Bowery?” he asked with what he knew had to be a truly unhinged looking grin.

“Uh. Yeah? Why?” purple girl answered, but she wouldn’t get an answer. Jason was already sprinting off the roof toward the road scanning for any hint of purple he could see. This girl had a theme and he doubted that her bike had escaped it’s eggplant grasp.

What followed was probably the most fun and chaos Jason had had since ever probably. He was methodically grappling across the Bowery looking for Spoiler’s bike while being chased by a frantic Spoiler who had at some point gotten Jason’s bag of glitter bombs so he was being spiked with them every time she got too close. Black Bat was also zipping along beside them, sometimes helping Jason, sometimes helping Spoiler and just generally being a force of uncertainty.

Jason eventually found the bike parked down near the water but before he could do more than plant his butt on it, Black Bat was flinging him off it. But, for his trouble, she had given him the bag of glitter bombs. So, Jason got to chase Spoiler back across the Bowery pelting her with as many glitter bombs as she had hit him with.

Once both Spoiler and Jason were laying flat on their backs exhausted on a rooftop near Otisburg, Black Bat sat down on Jason’s chest and showed him his pouch filled with all the glitter bombs they must have lost as they chased each other up and down the Bowery. He had no idea how Black Bat had had time to gather them all back up and put them back in the pouch while still chasing the two of them, but she had.

“Now me,” she said with finality and plunked the bag down between the two of them.

So, Red Hood and Spoiler took turns tossing red glitter bombs at Black Bat while she performed what Jason guessed was probably a dance from Swan Lake with all the fluttering of hands. By the time the sun was starting to peak over the edge of the water, turning it into a diaspora of glitter itself, they were all completely covered with a metric ton of glitter.

“Fun,” Black Bat sighed happily, turning her arms in the warm morning daylight and watching them sparkle.

“Yeah. You two are cool,” Jason agreed. He was exhausted. Chasing those two girls all across the city was a tougher workout than any fight he’d ever had. “You can hang with me. But, no boys!” he added loudly.

Spoiler barked a laugh. “No boys allowed!” she agreed. “Only hot girls and homicidal crime bosses.”

“Amen,” Jason said.

-----

Jason was added to a group chat titled ‘two girls and a criminal’ by the next morning. He was more than a little tickled by the name and was glad that one of them had thought to open up a line of communication. That way they could let him know when they were flying through his district and he could warn them about any skeevy shit he heard about through his own channels. He also put the word out with his gang that purple girl and the little shadow were cool and not included in his Fuck Batman five point plan.

Even if that was the intention they mostly just sent memes to him and he mostly just sent pics of his tomatoes and the kids in his after school group, which they fawned over appreciatively anyway.

Spoiler came by irregularly, usually while chasing a case. Despite acting wild and fun in person, she was surprisingly no nonsense about her cases. Most of which were about hustling the other gangs still messing with the lower income areas of Gotham that weren’t under his protection, so Jason was more than happy to feed her whatever information she wanted. Even if he could tell that half the info she was fishing for wasn’t for herself. He didn’t know if it was for Batman or someone else that she was gathering intel and he didn’t particularly care. He trusted Spoiler enough to deal with her regardless.

Black Bat showed up all the time. He wasn’t really sure what her deal was, but she was fun and scary smart and the kids in the Bowery immediately fell in love with her. If the kids liked her, then that was good enough for him. Their asshole radar was honed as sharp as scalpels, so their positive assessment was worth its weight in gold to him.

Plus, she always came along with him to get greasy chili dogs at the hot dog stand outside Papi’s Strip Club which made her a hit with not just him but all the girls and customers there. Within a few months she was as good as any Bowery native, born and raised, as far as the people on the street were concerned.

And then one night at the end of summer Black Bat and Spoiler showed up together, which always spelled trouble, with one more kid in tow.

The three of them landed on Jason’s roof, their feet making hardly any sound on the sunbaked bitumen. Somehow Robin looked smaller and slighter than both the girls, though that might have been because of how they stood in front of him with their backs straight and their shoulders thrown back while he seemed ready to fold in on himself any moment.

“Hey, I thought we said only hot girls and crime bosses,” Jason said mildly, stubbing his cigarette out on the sole of his boot before slowly hauling himself out of the folding chair he had been lounging in.

He didn’t really mind them bringing Robin along. They both mentioned him pretty often, so it wasn’t hard to figure out the three of them were pretty tight. He had figured that it wouldn’t be long before they brought him into their little cadre of crime fighters and criminal.

“Robin basically counts as a girl,” Spoiler quipped, though not a muscle in her body relaxed and her feet remained planted firmly like she was waiting to take a hit.

“Hey,” Robin said weakly from behind her. “In my defense, I don’t even want to be here,” the last bit mostly directed at Jason.

“Robin is good,” Black Bat said, her body language loose and easy. Though for her she could be doing the splits and still be ready for anything. “And, we need him.”

“Oh yeah?” Jason drawled. “What for?”

“For the prank to end all pranks,” Spoiler added with a shark toothed grin that Jason could see even under her full face mask.

“We’ll need his brains,” Black Bat added with a solemn nod.

Jason snorted. “Well then, you kids have come to the right place!” Jason said with a grand sweep of his arm. “As my feathered friend there can tell you, I am the king of pranks! Did you ever put your car back together, by the way?”

“Yes,” Robin snapped out, looking alive for the first time since they dropped down. “No thanks to you.”

“I knew you could do it, kid,” Jason said with a wink that made Robin look so wrong footed and flustered that he almost laughed again. “So, what do you have in mind,” he asked Spoiler.

“We’re going to prank the most untouchable of us all,” she said with a solemn expression. Jason frowned, expecting her to say Batman. He wasn’t above pranking Batman, but he kept so far out of the Bowery lately that he expected he would have to go pretty far afield to get him. Though, if the kids helped him maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. “Nightwing!” Spoiler finished.

“Nightwing?” Jason repeated, totally lost. That definitely wasn’t what he was suspecting. “That guy from Bludhaven? Why him? I thought for sure you were gonna say Batman.”

Spoiler snorted. “Bats has to be the easiest guy in the world to prank. One time I put mouthwash in his mug instead of coffee and I swear he drank from it three times before he poured it out.”

“Last week I put glow in the dark hello kitty stickers all over the back of his cape and he did a whole patrol like that,” Tim chipped in.

“Whipped cream. Up nose,” Black Bat added with a snort and a mime of shooting a can of something up her own nose.

“Jesus,” Jason said, not sure if he should be impressed by their savagery or sympathetic for Batman.

“Nightwing is the real get. He’s the oldest of us and the only one who’s graduated to having his own city to protect and everything. And he’s not beaten down and exhausted like Bats yet. We’ve all tried to get him, but it’s like he has eyes on the back of his head! It’s ridiculous!” Spoiler complained, waving her arms around in frustration.

“He’s a nice guy, though! He’s like my big brother,” Robin added hesitantly. “So, like, we don’t want to go too hard on him.”

“Yes go hard,” Black Bat added.

Jason snorted.

“You’re our ace in the hole,” Spoiler hissed. “You got all of us-”

“Not me,” Black Bat interrupted.

“All of us MORTALS,” Spoiler corrected herself with a haughty glance at a pleased looking Black Bat. “With you we can finally get his ass!”

Jason made a show of thinking about it for a second. There were plenty of reasons not to do it. For one, Jason had negative interest in anything happening outside of Gotham. For another, he knew next to nothing about this Nightwing guy. For third, it might not be wise to make enemies of some unknown mask, even if the other Bat kids were down for it.

But, who was he kidding. He knew he was in from the second they asked.

“I’m in,” he said finally, eliciting a whoop of delight from Spoiler, a little hopping dance from Black Bat and a begrudging look of satisfaction from Robin. “Let’s get to planning. I’ll make pancakes.”

-----

They eventually decided on a multi-prong approach. The girls wanted to go hard on this guy, so they decided to each play to their strengths. Each of them would go after this guy with a prank they felt was the best match for their skills with Jason as the unexpected coup de grace.

They all jumped in the back of one of Jason’s shit cars and rode together for the quick one hour drive on the interstate into Bludhaven. Once they were there, they all jumped on a comm together and then took off in different directions. The game was on.

Jason went straight to his objective. His job was going to take the longest, but he was more than confident he could get it done in time. After the kids piled out, Jason took the car deeper into the city. Bludhaven really was a shithole, even by Bowery standards. At least the Bowery had character and history. Bludhaven was all strip malls and square cheaply built office buildings piled up beside shitty hipster bars stacked beside gaudy department stores. Nothing was much older than thirty years old, yet everything looked run down and dirty. The sidewalks were miniscule, with no room for kids to ride bikes or even walk or cross the streets. Jason drove for over thirty minutes before he saw a single grocery store. Seriously. These people should eat their elected representatives for breakfast.

Eventually he reached the small security door that Robin had marked on the map for him. He pulled his shitty truck up to the alley and hopped out. Just like Robin had advised him, there was a keypad beside the door and entering in the code caused the door to lift up and in like a garage door rather than a normal door. Jason raised his eyebrows behind his domino mask. Swanky. He grabbed his toolbox and welding kit from the back of the truck before heading down the narrow ramp hidden behind the door.

At the bottom of the ramp he pushed through swinging plastic sheeting and found himself in a hidden garage with a bunch of tools and junk strewn around but the crown was definitely the gleaming glossy dark blue bike siting square in the center.

“Hello, baby. I am going to do some truly terrible things to you,” Jason sang.

As Jason got down to work, the earpiece he was wearing crackled to life and the plan finally began.

Tim was the first leg of the plan because, as the girls had assured Jason, he was by far the best liar of all of them. He would get Nightwing to where they needed him to be.

“A great night for patrol, don’t you think?” Nightwing was saying, grunting like he was stretching or climbing over the comms.

“A perfect night,” Robin agreed. “Spoiler’s hot tip is over on Baltic Avenue. Let’s head over and pick out a good spot to stake out.”

Robin and Nightwing kept up a friendly chatter as they ran the rooftops to get to the fake lookout spot that Spoiler had ‘tipped Robin off about’. Jason worked away as he listened, happily disconnecting transmission lines and removing brake pads.

Once they got to Baltic Avenue, Steph’s leg of the plan took over. Robin led Nightwing easy as could be to the roof of an old multiplex. They both laid down on their bellies and pulled out binoculars to keep an eye on a boarded up office building across the street. Robin really was an excellent liar. Jason couldn’t find a hint of deceit in his voice and he already knew he was lying. Maybe Nightwing knew him better, but if he thought anything was off he wasn't giving any hints either.

After letting them lay there and get comfortable for a few minutes, Jason heard a bit of metallic banging and then Spoiler called out “YOU’VE YEE’ED YOUR LAST HAW, PARTNER!” which made Jason laugh so hard that he almost choked on his own spit.

From the other comms he heard a similar guffaw of startled laughter before the sound of something going Shoom! A deep hollow sound came faintly over the comm. There was a wet splat sound and then Nightwing shouting “OH MY GOD” and a much lower, “Dammit Steph,” from Robin. Which Jason took to mean that she had succeeded in nailing them both with her t-shirt canon loaded with hand towels soaked in purple fabric paint.

Nightwing burst out into laughter and the sound of slapping came over the call, so Jason figured he was trying to brush the paint off his suit. But, since it was fabric paint, he was only going to make it worse. That shit was never going to come out.

“Haha, Spoiler! How- Were you there the whole time?” Nightwing laughed, sounding way too pleased for this prank to be working correctly.

“YOU HAVE BEEN BETRAYED!” Spoiler continued to shout. There was a clatter as she tossed her t-shirt canon aside. “BUT THE BETRAYAL DOESN’T STOP HERE!”

“Haha, what the fuck,” Jason heard Nightwing say quietly to himself.

“HARK!” Spoiler shouted. “THE HARBINGER OF YOUR DEMISE!”

At that the sound of absolute chaos took over the comms, the volume getting so loud that the audio started clipping. Jason heard a shout of “CASS!” and “No! It’s in my mouth!” and “AH! NOT ME!” in beats and snatches. He guessed they didn’t care much about secret identities anymore. Not that he cared. They probably already knew his social security number and the last time he had his flu shot.

Jason would have taken his time to really soak in the truly glorious amount of chaos Black Bat was causing, but the fact that she was out lobbing yellow glitter bombs designed by the great Red Hood himself meant that the last part of the plan was in motion. Black Bat's job was to drive Nightwing (and possibly Robin if Nightwing hadn’t yet realized he was untrustworthy yet) to the garage Jason was hiding in, in the hopes of outrunning her on his bike.

Which meant that Jason only had a few minutes tops to put the final touches on his part of the plan. Luckily, in case it wasn’t already evident, Jason was fast as fuck with a wrench and a welding torch and he was very nearly done.

He was just stepping back and wiping sweat from his brow to admire his work when he heard Nightwing and Robin crash down into the alley outside the fake security door. Black Bat and Spoiler were right on their asses, their cackling laughter echoing strangely as they were picked up by multiple mics on the call. Jason took up a spot behind the bike, his arms crossed over his chest in a way he knew made the muscles in his biceps bulge impressively.

Nightwing and Robin scrambled down the ramp into the garage and Nightwing skidded to a halt three or four feet into the garage when he saw Jason and what was left of his bike. Robin almost ran into the back of him, but was able to stop himself and lean around Nightwing with a demonically pleased grin stretching his little gremlin face.

“May I present to you,” Jason said with aplomb. “The Night Cycle!” and here he swept a hand out to indicate the motorcycle that he had masterfully converted into a motorized unicycle. Still a motorcycle, technically! But now more suited to clowns with an adrenaline addiction than to a vigilante.

“Oh my god,” Robin laughed lowly, walking slowly around Nightwing so that he could circle the bike and admire it from all sides.

“Oh My God!” Nightwing exclaimed, sounding a lot more distressed than Robin had.

And now Jason finally took a second to look at Nightwing. He looked ridiculous, splattered all over with pastel purple paint which was covered again with shimmering primary yellow glitter. But, under all of that, he was also probably the fittest guy Jason had ever seen wearing a skin tight kevlar suit of all black accented in bright sky blue with thick dark wavy hair and the kind of jaw and mouth that Jason thought only movie stars from black and white films had.

Excuse me, why did these children not inform him that their ‘brother’ was a walking sexual awakening on legs? They were truly menaces.

Black Bat and Spoiler were by then sprinting into the garage and not bothering to skid to a stop before slamming into Nightwing’s back, who by the power of a core so shredded you could probably grate cheese on those abs, held himself still under their combined weight. They popped up around him to take in Jason’s masterpiece and their reactions were the butter to his toast.

Spoiler screamed in laughter and fell to the ground on her back, laughing so hard it sounded painful. Black Bat was bouncing on the balls of her feet, her grin spread so wide Jason could see it even under her full face mask.

“I want to ride,” Black Bat said, bouncing over to Jason.

“No!” Nightwing exclaimed, speaking for the first time since he saw his new bike. “Wait, no, please! That has to be so dangerous.”

“Aw, let the little lady take it for a spin,” Jason said, holding a hand out to Black Bat to help her up onto the unicycle. Which she took but didn’t use at all as she hopped up.

“Yeehaw. Motherfuckers,” she said before gunning the engine so hard even Jason lunged to stop her from smacking her face full force into the concrete floor. But, she just leaned forward and shot out of the garage full speed up the ramp, screaming all the way.

“Shit, wait!” Spoiler shouted, sprinting after her. Robin was tight on her heels, leaving Jason and Nightwing alone in the garage staring at each other.

“Are you … the Red Hood?” Nightwing asked slowly, moving to put his hands on how hips and then to cross them and then giving up and letting them hang free.

“Yep. That’s me,” Jason said awkwardly.

“How’d they rope you into this?” Nightwing asked, frowning around at the remnants of his bike. He was taking the destruction of his property surprisingly well.

“We’re buds,” Jason answered easily.

“Buds?” Nightwing asked, sounding really stumped, his head popping up to pin Jason with an unreadable look.

“Yep,” Jason said, popping the p on the word. “I failed to prank Black Bat and it was the beginning of the end. I’m one of them now, I guess.” What he just said sunk in a second after he said it and Jason rushed on to add, “A chaos goblin, I mean! Not a bat. Fucking perish the thought.”

Nightwing laughed, a real laugh not a fake or nervous one and Jason’s already battered sexual orientation took another hard hit. Good to know that all the bats were a menace in their own right.

“Well, I guess I should say welcome to the team. Of goblins, I mean,” Nightwing said, sticking out a hand.

Jason took it and Nightwing squeezed his hand tightly on the shake. Jason’s sexuality trembled. “I didn’t know you were a part of the team,” Jason said, resolutely keeping his eyes on Nightwing’s pleasantly smiling face.

“I’m the founding member,” he replied with a toothy grin.

“Oh,” Jason said intelligently, finally letting go of Nightwing’s hand.

“Anyway, why don’t you help me wrangle the rest of the goblins? They’re bound to have wracked up enough property damage for one night anyway,” Nightwing suggested, jerking a thumb over his shoulder back toward the ramp.

“Oh. Yeah. We can take my truck,” Jason grunted, following Nightwing out of the garage.

“Cool,” Nightwing smiled.

Jason’s sexual orientation crumbled with a sigh.

[dickgraysonmybeloved]

Bruce, High on pain killers: I hate to tell you this, but one of you is adopted

The Batfam: …

Dick: .. only one?

[prlssprfctn]

To this day, I think the crack-au with Jason joining Bruce Wayne alike competition for fun and accidentally winning, and this becoming a reason why the whole Batfamily finds out that Jason is alive in the first place, is the funniest version of a fix-it scenario.

[frownyalfred]

imagine you’re a young woman in Gotham set on revenge against your cheating ex boyfriend so you track down his expensive, souped up car to some club downtown and start beating the shit out of it with a baseball bat in the back alley. mid-process some guy comes up behind you and is like “nah don’t hit the windows, bodywork is way more expensive to repair” and starts giving you tips on how to destroy this man’s car in a way that will defy even the best insurance adjuster and luxury parts repair shop and when it’s all said and done and the stupid, expensive car is a broken piece of shit (just like the ex) you turn around. the man who’s been giving you advice is standing there, smoking, eyebrows slightly raised, very impressed. he’s kinda handsome, dressed up like he was in the club actually. you ask him if he works there. he snorts and says “something like that,” and heads back inside with a snarky two-fingered salute to you.

it turns out that man was Jason Todd, AKA Red Hood, current owner of the Iceberg Lounge.

[psychokatrixxxy]

Batfam AU

Damian was captured by some villain, and Dick just saved him.

Nightwing: Why didn't you send a distress signal? You could have gotten hurt. What if I didn't get here in time?

Robin: tt, stop your incessant nagging, Grayson. I can handle myself. Besides, I did send out a distress signal.

Nightwing: Really, cause I didn't get it, and neither did B.

Robin, realizing something: Ah, I believe I may have alerted someone else of my capture then...

Nightwing: who-

He's cut off as a red figure barrels through the window, shattering it.

Red Hood, guns cocked as he looks around the room: Who the fuck do I need to kill?

Robin, deadpan: Impeccable timing as always, Akhi.

[emotional-piece-of-meat]

"Bruce loves his children to infinity but sucks at communication" gotta be one of my favourite tropes.

What Bruce means: I miss you so much it hurts, you are a great hero, and I'm really glad that you still consider me as part of your life and share your thoughts with me.

What Bruce does: hums meaningfully in response to Dick's story.

What Bruce means: I'm sorry about everything that happened between us, I still love you and want to fix our relationship, I'm incredibly grateful that you don't avoid me.

What Bruce does: nods at Jason when sees him on the patrol.

What Bruce means: I deeply care about you, you are truly important to me, I worry about your health and I don't want you to repeat my mistakes, neglecting yourself for the sake of a mission.

What Bruce does: gives Tim a snack without any explanation.

What Bruce means: I'm very proud that, despite everything you were taught, you choose to be a good person and help people, you have a kind soul, and it's an honour to me to call you my son.

What Bruce does: gives Damian an intensive head pat.

Should I say that Cassie is a blessing?

They stare at each other's soul for a solid five minutes and it's basically a full ass conversation.

[zhelin-thames]

Tiny baby ghost

idea from Prompt for @silverblueglitter

part 2 and 3 are out Masterpost

The summoning circle glowed an eerie green, casting sharp shadows around the Justice League's meeting chamber. John Constantine, sleeves rolled up and cigarette dangling from his lips, muttered the last words of the incantation. The room held a tense silence, broken only by the faint hum of the magical energy.

When the green smoke cleared, instead of the imposing figure of the Ghost King they’d expected, a scrawny teenager in a black jumpsuit with white gloves and boots appeared, looking distinctly unimpressed.

“Seriously?!” Danny Phantom groaned, throwing up his hands. “It’s a school night!”

The room collectively blinked. Superman and Wonder Woman exchanged confused glances. Batman’s eyes narrowed behind his cowl, while the Batkids—perched around the room like chaotic gargoyles—leaned forward, intrigued.

“This… is the Ghost King?” Nightwing asked, his voice skeptical but amused.

“Ghost King?” Danny repeated, holding up a hand. “Nope. Wrong guy. Try again.”

“Clearly, this is a child,” Robin said flatly, stepping forward with his arms crossed. “Either the summoning ritual failed, or we’ve been deceived.”

“Who are you calling a child, mini-Nightmare?” Danny shot back, floating an inch off the ground to look taller. “I’m fifteen. How old are you, eight?”

“I am fourteen, you insufferable spirit,” Robin snapped, glaring daggers at him. “And you are woefully unqualified to speak to me in such a tone.”

Danny rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay, Robin Junior. Let me know when you grow a sense of humor.”

Red Hood, perched casually on a table nearby, barked out a laugh. “I like this kid already.”

Robin scowled. “You would.”

Red Hood swung his legs off the table, standing to his full height. “Alright, Casper, if you’re not the Ghost King, why’d this ritual grab you instead?”

“That’s a great question! Wish I knew!” Danny said, throwing up his hands.

Constantine frowned, stepping closer. “You’re definitely ghostly, mate, and half-alive by the looks of you.” His sharp gaze softened just slightly. “You’re a bloody halfa.”

Danny froze, eyes darting to the swirling green barrier still holding him in the circle (not really). “I’m a ghost. And yeah, I’m alive. What’s it to you?”

Batman loomed closer, his deep voice cutting through the room. “If you’re not the Ghost King, why does this summoning work?”

“Great question! Wish I knew!” Danny threw up his arms again, his ectoplasm glowing faintly in frustration. “I don’t even know who you are, and you’ve already ruined my night! or Maybe the universe hates me. That’d explain a lot!”

“Who even made this circle?” Red Hood asked, pointing at Constantine. “Did you check it? It’s glowing green. That’s ghost vibes, man.”

“Thanks for the observation, Red Hood,” Constantine said dryly. “What gave it away, the ectoplasm or the ghost?”

“You are in no position to demand answers,” Batman growled.

“Oh my god, you’re worse than my parents,” Danny muttered.

Before Batman could respond, the air grew colder. A heavy, oppressive presence filled the room as green flames erupted in the middle of the chamber. From the flames stepped Pariah Dark, fully armored and radiating raw power, his glowing eyes zeroing in on Danny.

The League tensed, weapons at the ready, but Pariah didn’t even look at them. Instead, his expression softened in a way that could only be described as paternal as he reached out and plucked Danny out of the circle like a child grabbing a stuffed animal.

“Who dares summon my child?” Pariah rumbled, his deep voice shaking the room. He cradled Danny in one massive hand as though he were the most precious treasure in existence. Danny, for his part, just sighed and leaned against one of Pariah’s fingers.

“Dad, chill. They’re not trying to hurt me—” Danny shot a glare at Batman, “—yet.”

“‘Dad’?” Robin echoed, utterly baffled.

“They stressed him out,” Pariah continued as if Danny hadn’t spoken. “This is the third time in two weeks. Do you know how much sleep he’s lost? He has school!”

Pariah’s gaze darkened. “The third summoning this week,” he growled. “And for what? To disrupt his rest? His studies?”

“Studies?” Robin repeated incredulously. “This alleged ‘Ghost Prince’ is concerned with—”

“School,” Red Hood supplied helpfully, smirking. “That tracks. He’s just a kid.”

“I’M NOT JUST A KID!” Danny protested, his voice cracking slightly. Jason snorted.

Before anyone else could respond, Fright Knight materialized beside Pariah, his armor gleaming and his sword crackling with ghostly energy. He took one look at the summoning circle and grimaced.

“Shall I eliminate the offenders, my liege?” he asked Pariah, his grip tightening on his sword.

“No!” Danny yelped, waving his hands frantically. “No eliminating, no smiting! We talked about this, remember?”

Pariah sighed, his massive shoulders slumping. “They stressed you out,” he rumbled. “They should pay.”

“They’ll be fine,” Danny muttered. “Just… let me handle it, okay?”

“‘Fine,’ he says,” Red Hood muttered. “We’re seconds away from getting blasted into the afterlife.”

Robin's hand drifted toward his sword, his eyes darting between Pariah and Fright Knight. “This is absurd. We are the Justice League. Surely, we are not so easily—”

“Shut it, kid,” Consttantine interrupted. “Unless you want to test if we’re actually ‘fine.’”

Danny groaned. “Can we not do this right now?”

Wonder Woman stepped forward, her voice calm but firm. “We summoned you because we need the Ghost King’s aid to stop a catastrophic magical event threatening the world.”

“Then why not summon him?” Danny snapped. “I’m not the king!”

“Yet the ritual brought you,” Batman said, his voice a mix of curiosity and accusation.

Pariah’s gaze darkened. “The crown does not transfer unless challenged. And none shall dare challenge my son.”

Danny squirmed in his ghost-dad’s grip. “Okay, Dad, they get it. Can you not threaten to destroy the world for five minutes?”

Pariah huffed but gently set Danny down, though he remained close, a looming shadow of protective menace.

Constantine rubbed his temples, muttering something about “bloody teenagers” and “overprotective ghost tyrants.” Meanwhile, the Batkids exchanged glances, clearly plotting something.

Danny sighed. “Look, I’ll help you guys with your big, scary magical problem, but can we make it quick? I have a chem test tomorrow.”

[morganbritton132]

No Capes Batman AU where Jason is just like, ‘I’m meant to be a middle child. I’ve got middle child energy’ and then steals the neighbor kid. Not like they were using him anyways.

[spicy-apple-pie]

In his commitment to the bit of being Bruce's problem child, Jason has accidental outed Bruce as Batman to his son.

Prev / Index / Next

Commission Info / Kofi

[who-always-pays-their-taxes]

I understand the appeal of writer!Jason Todd while he’s the Redhood but I don’t think YOU understand the appeal of writer!Jason while he’s a pre-teen Robin. That young man writes a field report like it’s a mystery novel, and like what is Bruce even supposed to say “Hey, chum… while the pacing of the report was very intriguing, I need you to be LESS detailed about the color of the suspects ‘emerald green orbs.’” No, he won’t!! because Jason may be a bit annoying but it’s a vast improvement from Dick “What happens with the titans is between me, god, and the emergency room on 34th ave.” Grayson who used to just write “fixed it :)” on cases he completed.

[greystend]

Batman, panicked by how much the villain knows about him and Jason, decides to infiltrate the Red Hood's gang with his Matches Malone's identity

Jason *oh shit he found out* : wtf wtf wtf is this a joke ? Are you making fun of me ???

Matches!Bruce *oh fuck he's even more unhinged than planned* : ... I don't understand, boss ?

Jason, struggling to find his words in way his men won't understand : you really thought I wouldn't recognize my own fa- urgh I mean genito- wait that not- hum, the guy that raised me ???

Matches!Bruce *wait oh shit the OG Matches Malone had a kid ???* : wait... *I don't even know his name!!* chum, I had to make sure it's really you, I wasn't sure, you understand ?

And then their relationship get better

except Jason is "argh I hate you but also you kinda made the effort of meeting me in my turf and also you didn't say anything about the killing so perhaps..."

and Bruce is like,"Oh shit I accidentally adopted the Red Hood, and also it's my fault his real father is dead, except he doesn't know that and must think Matches just abandoned him one day without any explanation. Also I should really figure out his name at some point"

[mysticalarmand]

Clark: *Out of curiosity* How did all four of you even become Robin

Dick: My parents died in the circus

Jason: I stole Bruce's tyres off of the batmobile

Tim: I stalked him

Damian: I'm his only biological son and there's no refund button

[demonicsuffrage]

Dick, holding Tim close while hissing at the hundreds of people gathered outside the Manor who all want to adopt: Who the hell posted an 'Available for adoption' advertisement for Tim?!

Damian, actively printing more adverts: I have no idea

Jason, posting them all over town: Must have been Alfred

Tim, who had designed the ad in the first place: Just let it happen, Dick

Bruce, running in: Can I adopt him again

[supine-ly]

they’re looking for tim

[ky-landfill]

[gothamundernightlight]

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Clark (as a reporter): Mr. Wayne, have you ever thought of having more children?

Bruce: You mean, adopting?

Clark: Adopting. Abducting. However you got the last four.

Bruce: …