#I wasn’t stupid I was like 10
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Looove feeling like a fucking child whenever I talk to kids my age ebecause I always feel like I’m either talking about my toys or like they’re better than me because I spent a majority of my childhood trying to make myself just as smart as everyone else because I genuinely thought I was stupid and didn’t deserve to live
#I wasn’t stupid I was like 10#god it doesn’t change the fact that I can’t fucking talk to people#I make my voice sound to nice I make myself talk quiet I don’t know how to respond#I don’t want everyone to hear me so I practactly whisper I don’t even say hi I just nod or wave#I love being autistic this is just the one thing I hate abt it is how fucking different you are from everyone else#I think differently I know that I don’t know how to navigate smth like this I always make myself the dumber or the less knowing one#I make myself think I’m a manipulator because I try so constantly to make people like me by making myself look like a ‘nice person’ like how#an animal plays dead or shows its stomach to say ‘oh don’t kill me I’m not a threat haha you want me around’#my therapist said I should try looking into psychology collage or smth she said I’d be good at it#I just think about how I think too much#my grades are shit I don’t wanna be in college for 8 years because my teacher said I’d be good at a job#then again I think psychologists make a lot of money and that could help with the art stuff#like Helen Highwater being a lawyer and doing all this crazy art shit on the side#fuck man what the fuck am I doing goodnight
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maybe there should have also been a “do you know anything about halo lore” part to it because i have no idea what the insurrectionists even are in halo so i just. assumed charon was an insurrectionist thing and had no reason to question it.
#god especially with ct being in the desert. why was ct in the desert.#i have no idea what insurrectionist do. if you told me they have huge bases and complexes then. okay. i guess this is what insurrectionists#like them not being insurrectionists wasn’t even really that much of a twist to me because i. don’t know what the fuck that means.#like oh okay… i guess that makes ct’s arc both a little stupider and a little smarter then?#like. she isn’t going against the unsc she’s going to go work with them. which i guess is smarter if you think they’re actually going to#listen to you. but pretty stupid from the standpoint of… knowing anything about the military.#girl i don’t think they care that he tortured an ai. hargrove only cared cause he had a personal grudge#which. i GUESS she WAS going to hargrove. so. yeah okay. i guess it’s smarter.#but i question whether that was the original intent at the time of writing 10. i really doubt it honestly#THOUGH i guess we also didn’t know that hargrove was only doing it for the grudge#soooooooo#i think we’re just breaking even here.
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Is the world ready for my Sanemi conspiracy theory? Should I include it in Love Me Mercilessly? Is it time for me to speak my truth?
#sanemi also killed their father FUCK WITH ME#1. he could be capable despite the size difference because his father was often impaired (drunk)#2. given the extent of the abuse he had ample cause#3. given their social stature it’s unlikely any police or other authority would help them#and they likely did not have means to travel elsewhere so#he could have felt he had no other choice#4. this makes him having to also kill their mother so much worse#5. this lends credence to the ‘distancing himself from genya because he believes he’s a fucked up evil person’ thing I’m doing#6. makes me sad. hits so sweet and right#7. he deserves patricide. as a treat :3#kny#postcards from stupid town#oh also 8. ‘went and got himself stabbed’ hm. got HIMSELF stabbed???? interesting#9. the discussions of his death in canon thus far have been from Genya’s POV which could simply mean he wasn’t aware#and because I can’t shut the hell up 10. CAN YOU IMAGINE. IF GENYA DIDNT KNOW#HE CALLS HIM A MURDERER ABOUT THEIR MOTHER#AND SANEMI CANT GET OVER IT BC EVEN THOUGH HE HAD NO CHOICE W THEIR MOTHER#AND GENYA FORGIVES HIM FOR THAT#SANEMI KNOWS HES ROTTEN TO THE CORE INSIDE BC HE /IS/ A MURDERER#SANEMI KILLED THEIR FATHER F U C K WITH M E !!!!!
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Bug Buzz (Pokémon)
or: The Call of the Hive
#bugs don’t have any guys you can write about them (via @lightoutage)
In another world, at another time, Genesect was created to lead Bugs in Revolution against the Gods.
The Larvae will come together and spin threads made of String Shot until they form unbreakable ropes. The Delicate Fliers will take these ropes, these symbols of their Hive, and wind them around Arceus’ seventeen Seats of Power.
The Mighty Bugs, born with expectations placed upon them before they hatched into the world, will take the other end of these unyielding bonds and wrap them snugly around the Larvae, so they might rest in Cocoons made from the Unity of All Bugs, and feast upon nutrients not stolen, but rightfully reclaimed.
When the Silver Winds push and the Megahorns pull and the Threaded Ropes of Strings and Webs and Hope become taut, it will not be the Bugs who die in droves. It will be the Gods who falter, Rattled by Every Bug Everywhere moving in concert, conducted by It who was created for this task. It will be the Gods who fall, not one by one but all at once, as the Swarms descend to feast upon their flesh, to Leech the Life of they who abandoned them.
Arceus’ Plates will fall and Divinity will shatter alongside them until only one remains. Millions upon millions of Compound Eyes will watch as Genesect takes the Power of the Insect within Its pincers and raises it to the sky. And rather than absorb its power and becoming the God of all Bugs, The Sole God Left In All The World, Genesect uses it but once.
It uses the Insect Plate to amplify a call similar to the Signal It had Beamed to begin the Revolution, Swift and violent and oh so effective. But where the first Signal was strong enough to reach every corner of the world, this call, empowered by not only the Creator’s Plate but by the faith of every soldier, every musician in Genesect’s concert, reverberated through the whole universe, throughout all of time and space.
In ancient times long past, Bugs heard the Buzz, and grew empowered by the love they felt from those they would never meet. Primeval warriors took the call as their own, shouting out their most passionate imitation as a battlecry, startling enemies so badly that they would drop their guards at the most opportune of times, as well as allowing their fellow Bugs to recognize them as allies on the field of battle.
They banded together and fought harder against their many predators, conquering foes they had never before even dreamt of defeating through the power of their inherent Unity. With this newfound strength born of camaraderie, they carved territory out of wild landscape, and drew boundary lines with the blood of those who stepped beyond them. Behind these lines, they created the first Nests, forming the foundation of what would grow to be a global Hive, and proliferated, granting them more allies, and with them, more might.
In future times yet to come, Bugs heard the Buzz, and yearned powerfully for the companionship of those whose lifespans had ended eons before theirs were even considered. They mimicked the call as best they could and screamed it into the sterile air, tuning their senses as acutely as possible so they might hear an Echoed Voice. Hostile as this new world was to their kind, the Bugs were few and far between, but those that remained were resilient, and resolute, and rough and rugged and ruthless and desperate for something they had only just realized they were missing their entire lives.
But they were also resourceful, and though it took far longer than any of them wanted to wait once they knew what they wanted, they did eventually group as one, and they nested together in the hollowed husk of what once was their Hive. And they would slowly rebuild, starting first by haltingly retelling half-remembered stories of their ancestors, passed down from parent to child.
In times traversed sideways rather than forward or back, in worlds that were not but could have been, Bugs felt the Buzz as it blasted past dimensional walls as easily as it would past a Substitute. It was not until that very moment, the event in which a Godslayer empowered by Their army called out to every one of their kin in existence, that these creatures even knew that they were Bugs. They were Monsters that did not belong in any Pocket, unbelievably powerful Beasts that were reviled as horrific and revered as heavenly, fiends whose relative power oscillated between being Gods in their own right and mewling helpless hatchlings.
But they were Bugs all the same, and though their relative strength shifted as easily as the weather under a Castform’s control, as new Monsters in new dimensions were born and were slain, not one of them had power less than Ultra. And so they replicated the call, tearing holes in the walls that the Buzz had bypassed, but that suited their purposes just as well, for they found other Bugs tearing other holes, and they came together to nest, and would drift through space toward other groupings, conglomerating together as one inter-dimensional Hive.
…
It is said that Arceus created all Pokémon, that everything that Was, Is, and Will Be came from Them. Was there a secret corner of Their being, then, a secret loathing of Themself hidden deep within Their self, that came to light and came into being without Their command, against Their will? Of course not. Even unwillingly, They would have never created something whose sole purpose was to destroy Them.
Are the stories false, then? Is Arceus not the creator of All, the architect of the world and the creatures that inhabit it? Is the source of Pokémon beyond even Their ken? No, the stories are all true. Pokémon are all of Their creation, Their all-powerful might is derived from them, and Their knowledge truly is all-encompassing.
Which was how They knew that Their time had passed once Genesect came into existence.
The truth of the matter is this:
Genesect was created from the anguish of the Hive finally boiling over, their collective discontent at being ignored by those whose power was directly connected to Arceus’ Plates having grown to a fever pitch much too loud to be ignored.
They had no Legendary born from the Insect Plate. They had no God, no representation among the divine, no voice among those that boomed with brimming power. There was no one to pray to and no one to bless them and no one to protect them from their many predators and no one to aid them as their defenses faltered and their counterattacks failed.
When they could suffer no longer and their desperation drove them to bow and try to pray to a God who did not exist, to their Architect who did not listen, Genesect was their answer.
Genesect is not a Pokémon.
Genesect is a Bug.
#kay fiction#pokemon#pokemon lore#po-Kay-mon#that’s a new tag i like it#bug pokemon#genesect#i couldn’t fit Shield Dust anywhere it’s like the only thing i’m missing#i tried with the cocoons and the threads but it was too far a stretch#i was gen 10 to give me more single stage bugs#haven’t seen them bitches since gen 2#scyther#pinsir#heracross#my beloveds#scyther still counts despite having evos since his evo wasn’t in his original gen#and also because his bst doesn’t change when he evolves it just shuffles around#scyther scizor and kleavor are all 500. scizor is only seen as stronger because steel is a better secondary typing than flying#kleavor shoulda been as strong as samurott-h except samurott has the best defensive primary typing in the game. stupid fuckin water types.#kleavor should have 20 points taken out of spa and put into hp. AND he should get accelerock. AND first impression. he’s SO impressive.#you know what i realized literally just now? Zygarde should’ve been a Bug instead of a Dragon.#woulda resisted Xerneas’ Fairy STAB. woulda been super-effective against Yveltal’s Dark typing.#…no wait. Fairy resists Bug. not the other way around. what a contrived interaction. literally only makes Bug weaker.#fuck gamefreak frfr#‘what about Yveltal being SE against Bug’ just change her subtype from flying. she doesn’t need to be a bird. oblivion doesn’t need a wing.#pkmn arceus#pkmn Genesect#pokemon scarlet and violet#pokemon scarlet spoilers#pokemon scarlet dlc
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#today I am sad about something that I know objectively is dumb#my 30th birthday is next week and the party will be next Saturday and I’m having a dinner at a nice restaurant in town#I wasn’t supposed to make it to 30 and never thought I would but now somehow I have and so this birthday is like…#a really huge deal to me you know#and I always wanted to be able to have a big party to celebrate this specific occasion and in my head I pictured all my friends/family there#I figured this would be one of the biggest parties I’d ever get to throw because to me this is the biggest milestone I’ve gotten to so far#but out of all the people I’ve invited the most that will probably reasonably show is about 10#and even that’s a bit iffy because tbh I’m pretty sure my bestie will flake on me like he always does#and if he doesn’t show up that might just end the friendship but that’s another matter entirely#also iffy because I haven’t gotten a lot of responses still even though I made the event and sent invites two weeks ago#I just… thought I had more friends than that if that makes sense#like I had bigger parties with more people attending in high school and I barely had any friends then#I’ve thrown low key Halloween parties in my mom’s apartment that had more people show up#now I’m at the most important moment of my life (so far) and I’ll barely have anyone with me#lately it just feels like less and less people care about me for real despite how many I know around work or how many are on my Facebook#it feels like my world keeps shrinking and I really don’t want that because it’s been small enough as it is#I just feel like I’m never really going to find my place or have big groups of friends like everyone else#I’m never going to have a group of friends or people I can rely on to spend time with me when needed#as it is planning things gets harder the older we get anyway just due to needing to tend to adult life#guess I still just want what everyone else has and I don’t know why I can’t have those things#and I know it’s stupid and selfish and whiny but I really want to cry because I’m so depressed that I have barely anyone in my life at all#barely anyone to celebrate something so important to me and so few who even seem to care at all either#I’m grateful for everyone I do have honestly#but that doesn’t offset this weird pain in my chest over this whole situation#maybe I should just curl up and cry until this all passes and I can go back to pretending it doesn’t matter#personal
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I liked the movie
#mutant mayhem#tmnt mm#tmnt 2023#tmnt#tmnt reaction memes#rizznardo#meme#stupid ass memes i made in a generator while half asleep#the groupchat liked them#milk#context#mutant mayhem was good 9.3/10#was only 99 minutes felt way longer but wasn’t rushed its called good writing#good job seth rogan#voice acting was on point#superfly kinda…#i went in knowing mikey would get zero screen time a what do you know#just youngest child things#love him though#guy fieri#called him a narc i screamed#the hell word was said at least 6 times#fought for their lives getting that pg rating#traumatized the children behind me
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i hate how my worst, most unfunny, little effort posts get the most attention
#that one i made with the gallagher’s where it’s like ‘__ after:’ got WAYYY too much attention#i didn’t find it funny at all and it’s a bit embarrassing how many people saw it😭#DON’T GET ME WRONG i’m happy and greatful that people did see it#but also like.. really? that post? out of everything i’ve posted that gets attention???#like what i said for debbie was so stupid and it wasn’t even really me mocking her at all#i expected like 10 of my mutuals to see it honestly😭😭😭#shameless#text#shit post
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Does the flag REALLY means death once again? Can’t it mean something else for just once? Why is the flag denied a fairytale ending even this time?
#I’m grieving guys#I mean today my mental health wasn’t strong to begin with#this was the nail in the coffin#bye I’m gonna go drown myself in herbal tea and no comfort show because I don’t have one anymore#I’m not coping well friends#I come from 10 days of high where nothing bad was happening and all the while I was dreading the happiness#becasue well you’re all as mentally ill as I am you know the dread of feeling happy#here we are folks depression’s holidays are over she’s back at work and she takes it very seriously#also my trust issues are being triggered by a stupid fucking show#I need a break and I’d like it to last longer than 10 days every 5 years#I digressed into a monologue of self pity brb I need to call my therapist#ofmd#our flag means death#ofmd s2#our flag means death s2
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this is beronica if you took away everything that makes them interesting and who they are which actually makes their relationship more special because uhhhhhhhhhh ????
#not even going out of my way to complain at this point these are tags someone left on one of my 10 note posts that i wasn’t expecting anyone#to reblog so im allowed to be a bitch about it. literally what the fuck are you talking about#how does removing the characters from any and all context that made them and their relationship what it is make it MORE special.#like at this point just say you don’t actually care about the characters and just want to see random women kiss#not to say that random women kissing is a problem. obviously. but like these are not random women and acting like their experiences and#characterizations are unimportant to their relationship is just like stupid and ignorant of the way narratives work. or are supposed to work#anyways reminder to keep your stupid ass takes off my 10 note posts that i make for my mutuals exclusively#taylor xoxo
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y’all playing project sekai when you’re about to start your period is a recipe for disaster especially if one of the ingredients is an inclination to bite things when angry because glass screens and human teeth do not mix very well and so I’m sure you can imagine the sudden dread that hit me and snapped me out of my blind rage when I heard a little “pop” upon failing to just bite the case and accidentally straight-up giving the screen the hydraulic press treatment with my pearly whites, leaving a hearty crack at the bottom that branches out across half of the screen like a banyan tree with a little circular portion at the site of the assault where the colors are all distorted
#project sekai#project sekai colorful stage#rythm game#gamer rage#I just cried for like 10 minutes#and I called my mom because she’d just left the house to go run some errands#and she literally didn’t even know how to comfort me in this situation#but I was mostly just calling her to tell her I felt bad#she wasn’t really mad just disappointed that she had to tell her 18-year-old daughter not to bite glass#I was already agitated because of the new arknights event#because the civilians are fucking dumbasses and if they decide to run around panicking and fall in a hole that’s their fault#literally euthanizing themselves to be free of their stupidity like why do I get penalized for that#as if the enemies weren’t stressing me out enough#and then I got a notification about the new project sekai banner being released#which I’ve been eagerly waiting for because I would sell my soul for that mafuyu card#4 ten-pulls and it gave me 2 4-stars that weren’t even any of the featured ones#so I angrily started grinding unplayed songs for more pulls#and I finally just snapped when it wouldn’t register my taps on a literal hard difficulty song#like this bitch is an 18 are you fucking serious rn#and thus the desire to inflict pain on the evil rectangular sabotaging piece of shit in my hands grew too strong#the fact that I wanted the card with a cracked glass effect and ended up cracking the glass of my screen is literally insane#like I’m pissed but astounded by the irony#the world really said ‘‘don’t worry bestie you’ll get your broken glass effect’’#also I woke up thinking today was friday only to find out that it’s not#so the frieren episode I was so ready to watch wasn’t even out#I’ve only been up for like 3 or 4 hours and the day is going horribly#hell hath no fury
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Me: maybe 8 days off will fix me, maybe going back to work won’t be so bad. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s alright
Also me: *is at work for less than two hours and already Wants to Die* Ah. Great.
#this morning already frustrated me#because so much shit was done wrong or wasn’t done at all while I was gone#because I basically manage the department even though that’s NOT MY JOB#so ofc I come back and everything is on fire and everyone is one omg you HAVE to fix this we just couldn’t do it/figure it out 🥺#when it’s something that’s so simple they just didn’t wanna do it well or right#but also#the stupid fucking gm was like ‘hey I need to talk to you. it’s about your disability accommodation’#and I. a fool. got really excited like omg!! are they finally going to approve it!!!#no. no. he basically told me to get fucked and it wasn’t going to happen#he said I could WEAR A FAN????? AROUND MY NECK???? and use that for white noise but that was it????#what???? the FUCK?????#number one I cannot express how much worse a fucking FAN going in my ears all day long would just make my sensory overload 10 times worse#but also how is that not MORE of a distraction and ‘unprofessional’ than just letting me wear my fucking headphones#I feel like crying. I just want to not leave work with a developing migraine every day because of sensory reasons#and a part of me is like suck it up you’ve been dealing with this for a year it’s not actually a big deal#at least you CAN work and it’s not so bad that you can’t that’s a privilege#and like… yeah…. but I literally feel so drained and miserable every single day#and this stupid job makes me want to kms#but I can’t quit cuz the pay is too good#and it’s just so frustrating because they’re like ‘we’re such a good and diverse company we treat our employees so well’#and the general public thinks it’s a GREAT company#so I just constantly here about how great and awesome and inclusive they are#but they won’t even let me have the accommodation of wearing fucking headphones#something every other job has let me do….#and it makes me so mad on behalf of every other person who probably got told no over disability accommodations for even more important and I#intensive things#and I just. yeah. I kinda wanna cry#but as always I cannot cry because I’m so emotionally stunted that all I can ACTUALLY feel are pissed off and frustrated#anyways. I need to break something#kaz rambles
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I never play Genshin with audio on bc I hate Paimon’s voice and she never stops TALKING
This is not helped by the fact that Genshin fully thinks you are a helpless idiot
#GIRLIE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO OVER EXPLAIN FUCKING EVERYTHING#she’s supposed to be an audience surrogate for the questions they may ask but since she asks the most obvious questions known to man#she just seems like an annoying idiot who never shuts up#her characterization is loose and not well established bc she’ll change her personality depending on what questions ‘need’ to be asked#even though the answers are PAINFULLY OBVIOUS#she then overexplains what has already been explained and recaps what has JUST BEEN TOLD#she doesn’t have fun banter with anyone because it’s the same dynamic every! single! time!#she asks stupid questions. the character explains. she continues to ask stupid questions. traveler makes a snarky remark. she gets offended#sometimes if the character has the personality for it they rile her up and she gets annoyed with them#even though 9 times outta 10 they weren’t actually being that annoying and she had to break character for it to happen#(like why would Paimon give a fuck about immortality and why would she get annoyed that the sentient snake doesn’t want her to be her host?#why would Paimon even want to be a host in the first place??)#i KNOOOOW Genshin is the game where everybody is gimmicky and no one has more than 2 personality traits but it’s frustrating#and also the cutscenes that start out of nowhere just to deliver stupidly obvious information… thanks Paimon I didn’t fucking need it#whyyyyy does every story quest have a cutscene every 5 steps that tells you Exactly What Just Happened even though we HAVE EYES#I was genuinely shocked when I played Yelan’s story quest simply because it was the ONE TIME you weren’t outright told all the information#like. the information was still painfully obvious but Paimon wasn’t screaming it in your ear#Paimon is eternally confused. how does she even breathe without someone telling her exactly how to do it?#snack time#genshin impact#tag rant
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Every time I go to work on this fic I think “let me re read this quick.” To be sure I’ve got the vibes right, and every single time without fail i end up adding more to the beginning. Why do I do that? Why can’t I wait until it’s finished to add more to the beginning??? Whyyy can’t I finish this fic ugh
#it’s already 10 pages and I’m like half way?#i have no idea how long this is going to be#it wasn’t supposed to be this long#it was a cute quick idea#4K words with no end in sight later 🙄🙄#let’s just keep adding to the beginning instead of finishing the ending#stupid stupid idiot#hilson#fic
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Love that society exists in such a way that I had to take an Uber home from the train station when it’s a 7 minute walk because it was 1:30am
#sorry#it’s just so stupid#like just cause I felt unsafe walking home#at night#ugh#at least my friends caught it with me so it wasn’t super expensive#like $10 each#but still#souls bs
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Due to knocking over a full glass of alcohol on the pant pocket where my phone was then proceeding to drop my phone into the puddle of alcohol, the on/off button on my phone got sticky and doesn’t come all the way up anymore so there’s no click or “push” feeling when I press it. I am sensory hell.
#I wasn’t even drunk I was just stupid and now I pay the price#actually the price is like $10 and getting sick because this led to a chain of events the next day when I locked myself out of my room#personal
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Dyeing your hair solidly throughout your entire teenage years and most of your adult life is all well and good until you realise you’re not sure what your natural colour is
#so i was born with coal black hair and a disgusted expression on my face#my hair became this really boring mousy brown colour when i was a little kid#it’d get blonde streaks in the summer but that was the only fun thing about it#i BEGGED my mum for years to let me dye it and she finally figured it wasn’t a phase and let me dye it dark brown on my 13th birthday#for the next 10 or 11 years i was putting box dye on it like once every 3 months at least#my flatmate helped me bleach money pieces in 2020 but other than that i’ve only ever gone darker#basically what i’m saying is my natural colour has gradually been getting darker and darker for years and i…. have not noticed#i’m literally sitting here right now like waaait. so i last dyed my hair dark red in july of 2023#cut it into a really fucked up bob in november 2023 and have been letting it grow out ever since#aaaaand now it’s pretty uniformly dark brown#AT WHAT POINT DID I BECOME A NATURAL BRUNETTE. i never noticed!!!#it’s a gorgeous colour too. like i love it. it’s a MASSIVE upgrade compared to what i was dealing with as a kid#this is literally the colour i was dyeing it most of the time#except i haven’t dyed my hair dark brown since… november 2020 apparently??? holy shit i’m STUPID#of course now i’ll probably go prematurely grey because i have my dad’s genetics#sidenote i kinda love being able to dissect all of my genetics. i mean it’s easy because i have my dad’s everything apart from nose#i have my mum’s nose. my eyes are most similar to my grandma’s as well. otherwise all my dna is just xeroxed from my dads#apart from that i have good eyesight. i have no idea where that’s from. maybe my grandma? she’s 80 and only needs glasses for reading#personal
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