#I don’t think to fix my normal
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sometimes it feels like stealing valor to say I’m chronically ill bc I don’t have One Big Thing wrong with me just a small cluster of chronic disorders, but sometimes I think about the fact that I need 2-3 specialists and a minimum of 4 daily medications to function enough to hold down a job and friendships and I just cannot believe people’s bodies and brains just… work.
#my neurologist gave me a referral to a pain specialist today bc after 6 years I’m still having a minimum of 8 migraines a month#and they can’t figure out why#they were like ‘do you have neck and jaw pain’ and I’m like ‘yes every day of my life sometimes my jaw pain is so bad I can’t chew’#and like. I know that’s not normal but to me I’ve lived with it for so long that just like#I believe that my body will always be in like 2-4 level pain#I’ve had this kind of pain since I was like 12/13 and everyone told me I was too young to have back and neck pain#so I just figured that everyone was in this kind of pain and every time I learn that’s not true I’m shocked and I never learn my lesson#tho I think part of it is that I’ve been living with my pain for so long it’s the background noise of my life and it’s just my normal#I don’t think to fix my normal#ren speaks
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Sooo, who likes mermaids/sirens? Anyway, I absolutely adore when reader and the dca are little kids.
With this, I’m planning on making cute little comics with them. I don’t plan on adding any romance (only platonic love) or making this a full-fledged storyline; they’re just kids who don’t fully understand the dangers of being friends :D Silly little adventures
#my art#fnaf dca#comic#dca#sirens#messy art#I’m practicing on making comics because I don’t normally make them#ough I love them so much#this might not be their guaranteed design I’m still thinking about it#sorry for low quality I’m not sure how to fix it#platonic love is my favorite
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I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I need but I’m glad I’ve got therapy tomorrow
#kinda… down#feeling sort of broken#and I appreciate all the help#but I feel ignored sometimes like my problems are boring#it’s be nice if someone wanted to help me fix them#it’s just my brain being fucked I know#because I sound so ungrateful and shitty and horrible#horrible enough that it’s like?? I don’t deserve nice things!!#but sometimes I say I’m sad and I get a pity like and told it’s ok#I say I feel lonely and unliked and people say ‘aw’#others might get a long discussion or an outpouring of ‘I like you!!’#and i think I’m just missing out on that because I can’t make connections deep enough#also I’m needy and confused and never really feel like I’m anything to anyone#and that people don’t actually like me#and that me constantly feeling like this makes them like me even less?#but I can’t help it :(#and I wish I knew how to not feel like that and be normal#I think I’m gonna take a little break because I’m in a really deep hole#i'm sorry im like this#and I’m a little bit afraid for myself#finnie shouts into the void
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why do you hate Joshua Graham or Honest Hearts so much?
This DLC and character represents a bigger issue with fandom spaces I have but particularly fallout fandom in general.
Fallout tends to tackle a lot of topics controversial and not. The first two games it’s heavy cause they are the most satirical and direct with how anti-war, nationalism and etc… they are. 3 loses this as it’s very clear once you play or learn about all the games that Todd and a bunch of guys at Bethesda just liked the 50s post apocalyptic aesthetic and refuse to actually critique the ideals of the time period like the earlier titles.
New Vegas is the game that really gets back into it a degree it almost seems like it’s taking too much on. There are things done exceedingly well while other things are done horribly wrong . I’ve made posts about it before and plan to make a big series of posts (it’s a lot of writing) but my biggest gripe is with Honest Hearts and all the gross and white savior esque depictions it has of indigenous peoples. The entirety if FNV does not do the injustices faced by indigenous people correctly on any count. My two biggest complaints are with the Khans and the tribes in Zion but I’ll talk about the former on a different post.
Both characters of Daniel and Joshua are the most accurate depiction of white saviors I’ve seen and I hate how the DLC tries to justify and defend them. The DLC treats Joshua like this man who has repented for his past actions when he is just retracing his steps after his cruelty bit him in the ass. He was one of the worst parts of the Legion and it is all but explicitly stated that if you don’t force him to be non-violent he will turn the tribes of Zion into the legion 2.0. The Dead Horses and the Sorrows are horribly infantilized by both Daniel and Joshua who both use them for self serving purposes guised by religious duty. The White Legs are the horrible stereotype of violent and savage indigenous and I personally think a lot of their interlinking with Ulysses, his hair and Ulysses character in general are distasteful and very telling of how BIPOC or POC where involved.
But outside of the game it’s the weird obsession people have with these characters ideologies and trying to make them seem more interesting/philosophical than they are. Tumblr is an echo chamber and many fans of Fallout are not the people on this site. Many people are not educated in the issues these characters convey and how poorly they do or used these characters as a poor introduction for their takes. Contrary to what a lot of people believe in, fallout has a prediomeny white cis male fanbase. More importantly a large portion of the fanbase is white.
You can joke how FNV made you trans or see the numbers on post/fics or diverse headcanons but these are kiddy numbers compared to the millions that consume the franchise and aren’t in those more aware spaces or don’t engage in the spaces the same way someone like me does/has to. Their views shape a lot more than people realize and it’s exhausting to be in a space where people don’t correct the more subtle yet toxic aspects of it but also adopt them into some weird quirky view point on the characters or issues. Some people don’t realize and some people don’t care.
My main issue is just the idolizing of these sort of thing in this fandom space and people try to acts like a game like fallout whose tagline is “War never changes” and has never had a game not revolve around political or militaristic factions issues isn’t that deep or doesn’t relate to real issues. I think it’s mainly caused by how over powered you can become and how you can strong arm your way past these learning moments as majority of people who play this game do play it as a power fantasy where they can do so as they please (which of course, go ahead it’s fun) but never take in parallels or lessons in the story as if it was just another first person shooter.
Also like another personal gripe is Cazadores spawn like hell whenever I’m there and I have not found a mod that works to mod them out so I have to play Indigenous Racism the DLC while getting jumped by giant wasps WHILE helping Mormons. Like I cannot catch a break.
#I’m mostly silly or character headcanon focused on this blog#but sometimes I forget some people literally have never interacted with someone slightly outside of their ideologies or don’t learn about#philosophies that don’t pertain to their view point and actively block them out#and so I have like a meltdown and occasionally post about it cause like I see more people hate Danse for regurgitating BoS teachings than#hate Joshua Graham who helped found the legion participated in their practices and still has this weird bloodlust#like make it make sense why do you like this white man genuinly like outside of his aesthetic#I can say silly shit about them hit it’s always I think it’s surreal they even exist while others genuinely wish they did so they could fix#them and some of all don’t realize how quickly jokes lead people down rabbit holes and pipe lines cause ur not gonna see posts even pitying#that man in here#like when I defend Danse it is through the signs and events in game that show he is not stuck in his ways and possibly only adopted those#beliefs because of his tramatic events with super mutants and the bos being very anti anything not human#their are affinity reaction that concern this while Joshua like moans yes when killing the white legs and is always polishing his gun goon#pile like I’ve learned too much about him the Mormon faith and that dlc to be told I’m playing favorites he is not fixable or repentent#this fandom has one of the worst issues of he’s my fave so he can’t do wrong when some of this characters are literal unapologetic rapist#racists or individuals who condone or perpetuate like ideas and concepts like obviously I’m gonna not like them????!#like I still think it’s interest to dissect them and I try so hard to not be a hypocrite but sometimes it’s like the whole this is just a#fun thing for you but like be aware of what you are taking in and reflect like is so important fiction can slowly seep into your morals#I’m rambling and losing track of shit so imma stop here before I reach the tag limit but again dm and ask cause this is the stuff I will#blab about#horrible at normal conversation tho#fallout#fallout new vegas#joshua graham#honest hearts#ask#anon#fallout 3
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little collection of screencaps of my adorable stockman boyfriend <3
#egan is unironically one of my favorite russell characters#i don’t care what logic or propriety dictates#if he rode up on his horse right now i’d go with him#like yeah he’s sort of obsessive and jealous and possessive and isolated and all that#but he’s also??? kind-hearted and loving and gentle and patient and in touch with his emotions?#also lonely and definitely touch starved which i could fix#but yeah i think he has no flaws and i love him#that sweater is knitted from the yarn of 100% boyfriend material#anytime he’s tired of riding his horse i know something else he can ri—#anyway#i need to post my egan headcanons#i wrote a bunch one day but never published them#i think about him way too much to be considered normal#he’s just so CUTE AND COZY AND SWEET AND LONELY AND hhmmmhggghh#okay done now#the silver brumby#egan#the man#russell crowe#low quality screencaps of a high quality man
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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it’s so funny how sometimes you’ll be like I’m an evil person and I shouldn’t let myself exist and then you have to battle and win the mind thoughts to be normal again and then it’s fine. until the next time
#star’s thoughts#I don’t know how people think normally but my ex made it very clear that it’s not the way I have been doing things#like not to sound like the joker#sorry#I’m simply tired of the way things work in here 🧠#there is smthn weird with me that’s very hard to fix and also very difficult to live with
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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Me earlier: what if when they scan my tiddies they see a angry little gnome in there whose been causing all my various Ailments and they kick him out and then I dont suck anymore
#my right wrist got better but my wrists have been continuing to flare#today I got a lot done and felt almost normal#I was like ‘wow im having to walk across the mall and I don’t feel like im dying :)’#I think no longer having shoes with sole aeration is helping with some things#but like god what if there was something wrong with me that they could fucking fix#instead of just being like *shrug* idk man that’s your life (now)
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today is such a weird day
like i can’t stop crying every time i’m alone with my thoughts and for basically the first time ever i just really want to get stupidly drunk
which i won’t do, but i want to and technically i could. but its a bad idea so i won’t lol bc i need to study but i don’t want to either
and i havent even properly done my hair today. i think i’m gonna go on the balcony for some fresh air i think. i just want to feel important for once
#moi#i’m gonna blame my period#but it hasnt actually started so maybe its innocent idk#i also havent rly eaten very well so that could be notable too lmao#i’m so tired of everything#but not tired enough to sleep so fuck uwu#anyway i think a hug from a comfort character and a long nice info dumping session would fix half of my problems#and cause a few other ones maybe bc i don’t normally like hugs#but i crave one anyway#._.#maybe i should’ve posted this on my vent blog instead
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what is your most wacky ship??? i'm really curious
hmmmm . hmmmmmmmmmmm. probably gojo/higuruma…… just because they haven’t interacted at all :0 i just know in my heart that gojo would Love him <3 higu is literally just a blend between geto and nanami so. yeah. gojo is falling so fast and higuruma would just treat him very decently i think …….
OH AND . haibara/geto is popular in some corners of the jp fandom i think but !! i love them lots :(( they’re so underrated.
#i think kissing a dilf could fix gojo#but yeahhhh i don’t think my ships r That wacky. i just tend to go for dynamics that ppl don’t see in a shippy way :3#i’m sure lots of ppl see sukugo and gojoken as super wacky and that’s fine i just . Don’t. they’re Normal to me#they’re so gooddddd T_T#WAIT GOJO/IJICHI MIGHT BE THE WACKIEST#i mean not Really but like… yeah. i could see ppl giving me side eye for that one pdjkd#ask tag ✩
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Some of you think a Fascist™ country is defined by an oppressive dictatorship that results in a greyscale dystopian society and it shows.
#ra speaks#personal#politics#‘don’t vote a fascist into power this fall!’ buddy I hate to break it to you but there ARE fascists in power. like a lot.#we have a lot of democratically elected fascists at every level of government. voting in a Not Fascist (we totally swear pinky promise)#into power won’t fix the fact that the majority of legislative power comes from career politicians with no term limits who will do#everything in their power to retain their power.#do you think all the ‘acceptable’ Germans in Germany were suffering sadly and powerlessly under the Reich?#no! they were for a large part normal. either ignorant or apathetic people living their damn lives.#Hitler didn’t come into power and suddenly they lived in a dystopian hellscape brainwashed into the nazi cult#their lives went on. as long as their status quo was maintained what did they care about their disappearing neighbors#who were ‘undesirables’ anyway???#don’t twist my fucking words nowhere does this rant say don’t vote at all ever.#this rant says don’t fucking kid yourself even if we elected a goddamn saint to be president they would still be stonewalled by the rest#of our fascist government if not outright killed for having the audacity to not protect the interests of the rich and powerful.#fascism isn’t a one person problem and there isn’t a one person solution.
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Sometimes I wish I had more people interested in my creations, but then I get hit by thoughts like “Imagine the outrage you’d be faced with if your Avatar Suiren AU was more popular. This is the fandom that still cannot ‘forgive’ Korra for SOMETHING THAT WAS DONE TO HER, calling her the worst Avatar for losing the connection to her past lives (which came about because she HAD RAAVA LITERALLY RIPPED OUR OF HER) and acting like that is somehow a worse offence than, say, inaction leading to genocide. The hate you’d get for intentionally making Suiren the last Avatar would be IMMEASURABLE” and go “… actually, I’m glad that for the most part it’s just @katkastrofa and I–”
(Though then again… would it even be an AU by yours truly if it didn’t contain at least one cancellable offence? 😁)
#don’t even try to tell me I’m wrong#also Suiren is even less like Aang than Korra is. she wouldn’t stand a chance in this fandom#everyone knows most people in this fandom can’t handle angry brown girls#and Suiren is honestly on a whole different level#so yeah#I’m glad it’s not a well known thing#but her biggest offence would of course be letting go of Raava#and thus also losing the connection to her past lives and ending the Avatar cycle#her next incarnation will not be the Avatar. they’ll be just a normal EK kid#and that is the biggest crime an Avatar could ever commit#deciding to spare future generations of the burden#the Avatar should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one person#and every Avatar we know of was stuck in an endless cycle of fixing their predecessors’ mistakes#nobody deserves that. especially not a child. and the Avatars ARE discovered as children for the most part#even at 16 like Roku Kyoshi and Kuruk is still way too young for having the fate of the world on your shoulders#I’d argue any age is too young#the world can’t depend on one person to solve their problems#the avatar is ultimately human. they make mistakes. they’re biased. they can be corrupted#and not a single generation goes by without at least one world-scale threat. nothing any avatar does is every enough. it’s a thankless job#no era of peace has ever lasted long. that has to be something worked for by the world at large#ending the cycle is the correct move because then the world will not be looking to the Avatar for every issue#and will actually start sorting shit out themselves. that’s my (very correct) view of it. at least#but again. this fandom will not be able to handle that. because they care about a bunch of long dead ghosts more than living characters#I’m sorry but sparing at least one kid of the trauma that comes with being the Avatar makes losing the past lives connection worth it#to me at least. and it’s not like breaking the connection erases them from ever existing like Greater Lord Rukkhadevata. they’re remembered#just can’t be accessed anymore. and that’s okay. they deserve to rest#(forgive me for the Genshin Impact reference it was the only thing I could think of. it was a brief phase I don’t play it anymore)#anyway. idk where this rant/meta just came from. I apparently have A Lot of thoughts about this AU that aren’t limited to Kuviren smut lmao#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness
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Chat I think I need a psychiatrist
#I can no longer ignore it. there must be something clinically wrong with me#and if there’s not.#I might just break down for good#because what the fuck is this#one panic attack- one near panic attack- severe (and mostly baseless) paranoia while I’m home alone at night (but not every time- and it’s-#-never predictable)#random weeks here and there that I Do Not Feel like Myself#and I can’t always describe what exactly that means#but it usually turns into some form of apathy paired with self loathing (which comes with thoughts of self harm and/or suicide)#but then sometimes im fine?#and there’s never a clear trigger or stressor#I mean I know my hormones play into it- but I don’t think it should cause stuff this drastic- and it’s also not pms#pmdd** not pms#and I went to therapy for the self harm and suicide stuff and I mean it worked for that- but now I feel like I’m worse off than before#and maybe it’s just because the most glaring issue is gone now so all the other shit is coming up#but I’ve never had a panic attack before (I think I maybe had one once when I was like 7 and very scared of the dark) but this isn’t-#-normal for me#anyways.#vent tw#I really just need a diagnosis for something. even if no one can fix it I just really want to know for certain if there actually is#something wrong with me. or if I’m just really bad at handling life somehow??#bruh I dunno
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grabs my computer screen and starts shaking it how to cure gender dysphoria HOW TO CURE GENDER DYSPHORIA
#kidding theres no way to fix it when it’s like this#everything i’d normally do to alleviate it makes it worse when it’s this bad#because it’s like wow look at you trying so embarrassingly hard to not look disgusting and failing miserably#i had to cancel my plans yesterday and today because girl i can’t go outside when i feel like this i can’t even get out of bed#looking at myself makes me want to VOMIT why do i look like this#i look back on old pictures of myself and try to work out what was different back then so i can replicate it#but people say i look exactly the same in those photos as i do now#and i remember taking those old photos and feeling ugly and dysphoric back then too#if i lean back into my more cis look i’ll get gendered correctly again which i want#but i don’t like playing cis man it’s not who i am and it makes me feel weird and gross#i just hate what i look like no matter what i do to my appearance#every single part of my physical self makes me feel really ill and anxious and bad and guilty#there’s not a single bit of me i can stand to look at when i feel like this#i feel like everyone who has ever seen me thinks i’m disgusting and ugly and horrible to look at#and i want to like hide forever but i can’t#it’s so hard to function like this#i hate everything about me so much#someone affirm my stupid dumb ass gender right fucking now i’m going to die
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SORRY BUT IM JUST TOO PRETTY TO BE UPSET
#like you genuinely think god doesn’t love me#I don’t even BELIEVE and I get to look like this AND IM OLD#I lol randomly all the time about it honestly#like if I just do a HEH to myself it’s because I remembered#im literally pretty lol and such an asshole#and like just for being honest mind you#not a making shit up asshole not a violent asshole not a malecious asshole just like a normal oh that hurt your feelings why why WHY DID IT#you fucking know why it did and that also why I said it cause IT TRUE you dumb cow#you MADE PEOPLE and you care about screens over all else like like like hfksbekfkgjevdb die the death you deserve#me? PRETTY AND LUCKY ME??? imma die in my sleep like a mf princess#actually they got some quantum chip now I think it possible you could die body wise but your brain forever could think it alive because chip#I don’t understand it lol it was scary to listen to the man explain it actually and then I was like oh maybe that why aliens arecoming more#i am rambling in the tags like a heathen#it’s fine#it’s not 11pm or anything#tomorrow won’t be a long ass day or anything#CHRISTMAS IS IN A WEEK#we better go see the mf lights#im getting my car inspected tomorrow and im nervous about it#is $500 enough monies for things they would need to fix for it to pass lmao cause#if not i gotta use a credit card and i hate doing that with them#also they usually just make it do a pass and then make me come back to fix the things later cause they know where i work lol#and also i am loyal as shit#and also the lesbians i know who not approve of my trans-woman-are-just-men stance which isn’t illegal to have lol biology isn’t illegal#yet
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