#no! they were for a large part normal. either ignorant or apathetic people living their damn lives.

[badolmen]

Some of you think a Fascist™ country is defined by an oppressive dictatorship that results in a greyscale dystopian society and it shows.

[purplepints]

I've seen several articles repeating a very important piece of info about numbers and perception of danger or infection due to the release by different countries and groups.

Since it's been recognized, South Korea has been testing people regardless of symptoms. Italy has been testing people with symptoms and the US has hardly been testing at all.

So when you hear any of the "There are X,000 confirmed cases and X deaths"-type announcements, realize that in many places around the world these are NOT the actual numbers. It is the number of people who have been tested & diagnosed positive (lab confirmed COVID-19) and not the actual number of people who have it. Not even close. They're likely not double or triple those numbers, either. It's probably at least quadruple at a bare minimum, with numbers skyrocketing in larger cities.

Just like so many other illnesses, people catch something and that illness starts to set up shop. It takes a bit of time for it to trigger our protections or otherwise draw attention to something being wrong. Before people are even feeling sick, they are already contagious and remain so until the viral load is too low to be a viable danger, which is normally after your symptoms are almost gone. This means you could be contagious for several weeks. This isn't odd, it's just how viruses work and you've likely had this same chain of events occur in your own body when you've caught something. We've all been ticking bombs, we just haven't carried this dangerous of a payload inside our cells before. That hang time where you feel fine but are spreading the disease is the scariest thing about contagious diseases of this type, and is why seclusion and quarantine measures are absolutely vital to halt the spread.

No one is immune to Covid-19.

There is no vaccine or preventative measure.

There is no anti-viral available for it.

It is devastating and it is deadly.

Until broad-scale testing is done and tests are being processed quickly, the number of people with COVID-19 can be estimated but not confirmed. I'm not saying this to make you fly into a panic, I'm saying it because we as humans tend to hear numbers first and think about what they actually respresent second, if at all. We have lagged behind in testing and the tests we did have were faulty, we dragged our heels on allowing additional qualified labs to assist with processing tests, and the information coming from our government covers the entire spectrum : accurate, inaccurate, partial, panicked, apathetic, dismissive, confusing, conflicting....it's not reassuring and it is glaringly obvious we are woefully unprepared. Our country is literally shutting down because we don't have other options.

In the US, our situation is, to put it mildly, a clusterfuck.

How so? Through a combination of things, some of which are:

- We are not testing anywhere as broadly as we should be.

- People are not being informed about the seriousness of COVID-19 (think it is same as flu, that young people can't catch it, that flu shots protect etc) and don't understand the difference between viruses and other types of infections.

- People do not understand how long it takes to identify new viruses, why some strains are different, why similar symptoms do not mean similar diseases, how fast viruses can mutate it adapt of how quickly that can be identified.

- People here don't always understand why different departments or sub-offices in departments can be absolutely vital to their lives, and so often don't notice or care when budgets are slashed, research is stopped, responsibilities shoved onto other already burdened departments, whatever. Not knowing how government works is a sad hallmark of American life and this is going to show us how bad this apathy really is.

- People see the number of departments & offices as bloated government spending, so rarely speak up when any are shut down or downsized.

- Large numbers of people in the USA ignore science, decades of information & factual conclusions and warnings of impact even if it can or does affect them personally.

- Large numbers of people in the US were unaware until very recently that the CDC was decimated by Trump specifically. The EPIDEMIC response division was completely eliminated.

- People in the USA in the whole don't understand how various agencies in the government work together or share information on collaborative projects, so when parts of the USDA were forced from Washington DC to Kansas City, it went unremarked upon and the hundreds of positions remaining unfilled in that department alone are a huge concern. Add in the short-staffing of other agencies and this mean that we may not be able to determine how current events can impact food security, transportation, storage or identify economic issues that farmers may face that relate to COVID-19.

- People are not following suggestions of self quarantine or avoidance, instead since they're off work/school /etc heading to places where hundreds+ mingle or to restaurants & bars where 5-10ft distance between people isn't really possible (not to mention the lack of handwashing, shared faucets, knobs, exits/entrance, soiled glasses & silverware, recycled air blah blah) and when all those places are shut down, we all know there will likely be groups who decide to throw parties or pop-up gatherings because they're bored or whatever, and the first time one of those gets busted by cops or National Guard in masks/gear there's going to be a wild few days.

- Different officials in different states have given different direction regarding actions toward COVID-19, with some pleading for everyone to stay home, period, while others were saying going out should be encouraged because....? Conflicting information creates chaos.

- Not grasping that the reason these precautions are implemented is to slow or halt spread of disease and to limit exposure to people who are at higher risk of dying and to help medical efforts (more sick Med personnel = less ability to treat the sick), because the frequently repeated soundbites & headlines are variants on "old and sick people are at risk, everyone else will be fine". The longer it continues to spread among people means the more difficult it will be to stop long term and the more opportunity for it to mutate. Even if you recover just fine, if you were out spreading it, it is still active in the area, which means people who disregard precautions could catch it multiple times which lowers recovery chances, because young *and healthy* is the phrase, and if you just had COVID-19 for two weeks and fought it off, your immune system is tired and your body needs time to recover. Catching it within a few weeks of surviving it? You won't like those odds.

- In the US much of our culture, belief and ideals of value or worth are tied directly to our place in the work force. This is a line we have swallowed hook and sinker, to the point where it is commonly thought that workers in lower paying jobs or work that doesn't require a college degree are less of a person and less valuable that someone making more money. Now a gigantic amount of those employees are without jobs, and they will continue to be the first ones cut from payrolls, fired and unable to find new jobs because those jobs don't currently exist. Young or not, they can all be added to vulnerable groups because they don't have Healthcare, they don't have months of savings to buy food or pay bills, they may not qualify for unemployment or other assistance.

- We are not stressing that all diseases that spread in similar fashion are still active just like always, so it isn't just about COVID-19. People who catch diseases like regular a/b flu strains, streph throat, bronchitis, etc need doctors too, and those conditions being active mean more groups are put at risk if they catch a 'regular' illness which allows COVID-19 easier access, regardless of age. You can have more than one disease at a time!!

That's just the tip of the yikesberg, y'all.

To reiterate, anyone saying "well we only have like X,000 cases in the US" is wrong. We only have X,000 tested and officially confirmed cases, and we have not increased testing or taken efficient measures of seclusion or quarantine nor provided clear, direct information regarding what is happening. States are also putting out info conflicting with the Feds and other States, too and we are not moving fast enough to get the information we need to effectively head off the spread, contain areas and educate the population.

Again, when they do the math on these, diseases are given a specified number, an R0 sometimes heard or read as 'R-naught' (which can change, getting bigger or smaller depending) that is an estimated number of how many people a single person can infect others in an unprotected group. (ie, how many ppl can catch measles for a single patient in a world without vaccinations, which fun fact the measles R0 is 16+ depending on strain) and COVID-19 has been sitting around 2.3, which is higher than the Spanish Influenza of 1918 and over double the number of a standard modern flu strain. Going by this, it isn't really odd that lots of places are using visual representations of the old "would you rather have a million dollars or be given a penny on day 1 that doubles each day for thirty days?" thing, because 2 people infect 2 more each, then those 4 infect 2 each, and so on.

This is why quarantine and seclusion ate used against diseases we have no treatment for: It's the only way to stop it from continuing to spread. Last week, doctors in Seattle (on of the cities hit hardest at the start) were estimating over 1,100 cases in the city alone. Without being able to test and confirm, they had no hard numbers. This means a single city in a single county in a single state, likely had as many or more COVID-19 cases than what was reported as a national number for all 50 states off Federal numbers.

It also doesn't help that like many viruses, the asymptomatic incubation period of COVID-19 means that people who are contagious and spreading the virus are doing so for longer periods of time. On the far side, symptoms show at 10-14 days. Most patients will be contagious while not feeling noticible symptoms for 24-72hrs, thereby potentially exposing everyone around them during that time. This includes virus left on handrails, doorknobs, elevator buttons, ATMs, physical money, grocery items, you name it. If you aren't following basic hygienic protocol & precautions (washing hands thoroughly with soap for 20 seconds minimum frequently throughout the day, especially after using bathroom/touching public door handles, using handholds on public transport, after unbagging groceries, after exchanging money/using card machines, basically touching anything other people frequently touch), then first, somebody should talk to you about the bare minimums of hygiene expected in non-Pandemic times and two, whup your ass into a slightly more sympathetic and less germ-covered way of life.

SOAP & WATER / ALCOHOL

1) Use actual soap and water to wash your hands thoroughly for at least 20 seconds every time you use the restroom (FOR ANY REASON, EVEN IF CHECKING MAKEUP OR HAIR OR OTHER NON-TOILET USE), before you eat, after you eat, after using any sort of shared touchable object or being in close quarters to it, and if you're unsure if you should wash your hands GO WASH YOUR HANDS.

2) Hand sanitizer is NOT more effective than soap and water. PERIOD. They are also used in the same ineffective way so many people use soap and water: too small an amount, too short of a time and too lazy in coverage. Sanitizer should be applied in a dollop large enough to scrub both hands using motions and medium force as if washing with soap & water (front, back, between fingers, over nails & fingertips, both thumbs, webbing, the FULL HAND) for at least 20-30secs which is how long it should take for the sanitizer to evaporate. Amount used doesn't cover both hands fully? Use more. Hands dry after 8 second if scrubbing after putting dollop in palm? Not enough sanitizer used, add more and try again. Alcohol also may kill the virus, but it does not clean your hands and should never be used as a single or primary measure to avoid infection. Keep a bit on hand for those times when soap & water aren't readily available, use it correctly (dollop large enough to wet all surfaces of both hands, rub hands while being attentive to cover every part, hands should feel wet from the gel for 30+ seconds before they start to dry, because you are substituting the alcohol for water and essentially washing your hands with it!!

"Alcohol free" hand sanitizers are basically useless against most viruses and bacteria, including COVID-19. Hand sanitizers must be at least 60% alcohol to be effective, and many homemade concoctions suggest Vodka in their recipes, which is about worthless due to it being 40%. Others recommend 91-99% Isopropyl Alcohol aka 'rubbing alcohol' which can be even worse if the batch is made incorrectly, because it is easily absorbed by human skin and can cause damages leaving you more vulnerable to infections.

The same reason that alcohol works to kill viruses and bacteria is why it's able to damage human skin. It breaks down lipids (fats) and proteins. So called 'enveloped viruses' (COVID-19 in one) have a thin lipid membrane that they live inside and use to find and latch on to host cells. If that membrane is damaged, the virus has no way of feeling for nor attaching to possible host cells, so it dies.

Alcohol solvents being as successful as they are at breaking down lipids, you can imagine how it could hurt our lipids and protein heavy bodies. Using 90%+ isopropyl alcohol in a DIY could leave you with dry, damaged skin as well as cracks and fissures around your nailbeds. That damage is dangerous because your wet tissues and capillaries are now unprotected and vulnerable to viral attack. These types of alcohol can also be fussy with their high evaporative rates as well as interactions with other possible ingredients suggested by DIYers on line could cause many issues. Even compounding pharmacists and chemists are saying what a pain it is to make correctly! Not all Aloe Vera gels are pure aloe. Not all brands or types of gel or alcohol will work with such general, simplified recipes. Essential oils being added is a whole other thing that adds issues, because while a few can be used internally or in wounds with precautions, too many on the market today fail to clearly disclose their processes or full ingredients, are not meant for internal use (open wounds = internal) and like many supplements they are not regulated by the FDA so not tested or held to standard.

3) If you cough or sneeze, do so into a disposable tissue or napkin. DO IT EVERY TIME, not just with deep or phlegmy/productive ones. If air is being expelled forcefully from your throat, lungs or sinuses, have a clean tissue at the ready. After coughing/sneezing, dispose of the tissue in a trash can with a bag liner so the bag can be tied off before disposal which can help mitigate risk to people cleaning or collecting garbage. If you do not have a tissue/napkin, whatever, turn your head and nestle your exploding face hole(s) snugly into the inside bend of your elbow so any emissions are caught by the fabric. Using the same side if it happens repeatedly so you can keep that fabric close to you and avoid touching others with that area, rather than worrying about both arms. No sleeves? Pull up the collar if your shirt, tuck your face down a bit and hold the collar firm over the bridge of your nose and cheeks (similar to how your hands are when using a tissue) so anything coming out of your face is expelled between the shirt fabric and your body/inner layers. ** IF YOU USE THE ELBOW OR SHIRT TECHNIQUE DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR FACE, NECK AND CHEST THOROUGHLY AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, just as you would your hands (20 sec+, soap & water).

[[Related tip: Carrying a ziploc-type bag with you allows you to tuck dirty tissues away while not smearing whatever all over your pockets or bag interiors, too. Those mini Doggie poop bag things that fit on Keychains or bags are another thing to keep with you, for your own tissues or wipes used to clean handles, or even as a 'glove' in a pinch and since they come in bundles you can share with others who need them.]]

So no matter how you slice it, people who have it are out in public spreading it for a day or two minimum. Young, healthy people who don't feel sick and aren't worried because they're likely to survive it are less concerned with the situation even while they are possibly infecting vulnerable groups. Again, the reason for the social distancing and quarantines is to stop the spread and lower risk for people who can and will die. The fewer people it can infect, the fewer can pass it on. The less interaction we have, the lesser the chance we catch and/or spread it. Right now, we here in the US still don't have but half an idea of an area that MAY have cases, because our government are a bunch of greedy fearmongering idiots who care about money more than people and about being right more than being aware.

So let me ask a question to the thousands of people are still going out at night, eating at restaurants, clubbing, calling ridesharing, resisting seclusion/quaratine and generally being completely selfish uncaring assholes: Should I save a seat in in the front row at my immunosuppressed sibs funeral or would you like your name engraved on a memorial bench slat for my diabetic, post-polio syndrome suffering Mum? I suppose at least that would have symmetry with her, as Americans starved her and didn't care if she lived or died as a child (being Indonesian/Javanese = an evil Jap to Americans then) so young Americans ignoring truths and not giving a shit about their actions potential killing her is pretty fucking disappointingly on brand. She could honestly, truly die with her first and last memories of Americans being blatantly uncaring of her life, mocking her fear, denying her help, and watching her family crying around her. Thanks for that, fellow Americans. (Oh, and if you did read the question, I mention a memorial bench because she's donating her body to science to help other people. Even in her death she gives more of a fuck about other people who are sick and need help than the majority of you assholes.)

Maybe that's too much, so lemme take it back a notch and use something less personal and less technical:

How about we say it's like a drunk driver in an armored HumVee speeding through a parade of golf carts.

The person in the HumVee thinks they're fine and puts a bunch of faith in their strong, durable vehicle and ability to control it, so aren't concerned about whatever obstacles arise. The golf carts, meanwhile, are also vehicles with engines and some manueravbility but minimum protection, and the people inside are basically out in the open.

The HumVee hits the carts and they are destroyed, the passengers hurt or killed, and the drunk dude in the HumVee is fine to trundle on to the next situation.

Healthy/young/wilfully ignorant people are currently behaving like that HumVee dude.

(and obviously I am not including people forced to work in order to not end up homeless as HumVee drivers here, this is pointed at people who are blowing off the situation, ignoring facts and being selfish)

—— Here's some info on what happened during the SARS pandemic, which COVID-19 is related to virally and the contagion spread similar, for anyone who is unfamiliar :

The SARS index patient in Hong Kong was a doctor who had treated SARS patients prior to heading to a family event. He did not think he had SARS, because even tho he had some symptoms, a chest x-ray he had done on himself was clear, so he traveled. He ended up infecting several people at the hotel he stayed at overnight, and more when he checked into the Hong Kong hospital. When he checked into the local hospital, more people were infected, including an American who was in a room on the same floor at the hospital. That American ended up feeling sick after leaving, so checked into a hospital in Hanoi. They shortly called in an infectious disease specialist (a WHO doctor in Bangkok) to the Hanoi hospital. He identified that this disease was an unknown new respitory virus, saw that several staff were already showing symptoms and made the call to warn the global community, giving the disease the tentative name of SARS. The WHO specialist, Dr. Urbani, he was a young, healthy Italian doctor, but he still died a month later.

The index patient (a respiratory specialist MD, in his 60s) in Hong Kong died, as did the American (a businessman, 48) who caught it from him, as did the WHO doctor (specialist, 46) who treated the American and others at the Hanoi hospital.

Dr. Liu, the one who traveled, was a super-spreader who is linked to the vast majority of Hong Kong SARS, between 75-92%.

The people who were infected at the hotel went on to travel and spread it to Canada (major hospital outbreak from 1 hotel guest), Taiwan, Singapore and Thailand.

This is the perfect example of why having people who may have COVID-19 enter hospitals is a BAD Idea and why having drive-through testing for it, like what was done in S. Korea, is a good idea.

Dr. Liu didn't just infect a handful of people at the hotel, he infected dozens of already sick, compromised people in a hospital, and also infected staff who died.

The Canadian woman from the hotel infected an assumed 100 people at the hospital she entered when arriving home.

This is why the self-quaratine and suggestions need to be taken seriously. Populations who are vulnerable and basically isolated from society because they are in hospitals or rest homes caught it because it was brought to them by a variety of sick people of different ages, health and severity. Sick young people went to hospitals and older people died. This is why everyone is being directed to call hotline before arriving at hospitals full of sick, vulnerable people.

I hope this helps develop a picture of why these quarantine and preventative measures should be taken seriously, and help you understand this example: Bob, a reasonably healthy guy in his 20s, develops a bit of a cough but blows it off as whatever, then goes out with his friends and gets on a train that several nurses who're going to work are on, he could infect them and they could go into work unknowingly carrying a death sentence for someone recovering from an organ transplant or a kid with a compromised immune system waiting for chemo.

Some of the groups that are on the fringes of society and rarely interact with larger groups are still at risk from secondary transmissions from the employees/staff/medical people that assist them. In high population areas or densely populated cities, even things like an apartment building shared laundry or residents-only gyms, common rooms, etc. are all possibly zones of contagion. Wash your goddamn hands, don't touch all the things around you like a child, and if your city has announced positive cases of COVID-19 please acknowledge that even if you have zero symptoms you could still be infected & contagious and take the necessary precautions along with abiding by the requests to not gather or whatever.

If you are young and healthy and get COVID-19, you may recover. The three people who caught it from you may recover. The five people they passed it to may not.

If you still have a job and are financially ok, consider taking the money you normally spend on your weekly bar visit with friends or Tuesday bingo or whatever the fuck and see if there are any groups or whatnot gathering up money/goods for restaurant, service and other workers who no longer have jobs rather than foolishly throwing middle fingers in the air while bitching about how inconvenient everything is because some old pepple may die or some sick or otherwise useless humans suffering or dying isn't something that makes it OK for your life to be messed with. You probably don't read the pleas from doctors around the globe, or the widows of healthy 30 year olds, or Type 1 diabetics being hit hard, or that this is 20X more deadly than any influenza, mild cases can still honeycomb your lungs and the US still hasn't started the testing we need to determine where it is, how fast it is moving, rates and types of transmission, severity, you name it, and the weakens the global effort because we can't provide other countries with information that could help save them from the fate China, Italy and now the USA will go through.

Want to save the world? Grow the fuck up and take yourself out of the possible patient pool, eat a snack, drink some water, take your meds, put on fresh underpants and breathe. Then get used to this new state of suckage, muster up some energy to vote and then maybe take another nap to recover a bit, because I can tell you none of this shit is ending tomorrow except my sliver of willingness to hold my tongue.

Buckle it up, assholes, those HumVees are coming, so let's work together to take them down like Betty White and Mark Hamill are in those carts and you're all that stands between them and certain death. Because....

Here's the worst of it all, youths : you actually are what stands between them and disaster, this is your reality now, so either educate, protect and defend each other because courage and compassion are worth it, or choose to be callous and cruel to each other until those traits kill you, too. If you're lucky, maybe that cruelty will kill you faster than all these fucking Boomers. If I'm lucky, it'll kill me before I have to be sandwiched between two groups who both will do The Most to win because fuck compromise or moderation or change or discovery and fuck science and tradition and casseroles and Boba tea and lord if if I have to go through four more fucking decades of it I'll burn it down my damn self.

This is it, buckaroos. It's the end of the world as we caused it, and I AM SO FUCKING FAR FROM FINE.

[cassiexbailey]

HOLY SHIT IS THAT [ KAT MCNAMARA ]?! Oh, wait it’s just [ CASSIOPEIA “CASSIE” BAILEY ]. Damn, [ SHE/HER ] looks good for [ 22 ], good thing that they’re [ BISEXUAL ], I might have a chance. I hear that they call them the [ NANCY DREW ] of the [ NORTH SIDE ]. I guess that’s because they’re [ INDEPENDENT ] and [ RESOURCEFUL ]. But I don’t think a lot of people know that they’re also [ SECRETIVE ] and [ STUBBORN ].

01. BASICS

Full Name: Cassiopeia Sebine Bailey

Nickname: Cassie, Cas, Teeny

Sex/Gender: Female

Birthday: November 11, 1996

Age: 22

Astrological Sign: Scorpio

Occupation: Private Investigator

Spoken Languages: English, French, Italian

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual; Heteroromantic

Birthplace: Riverdale, MA

Hometown: Port Townsend, WA // Chicago, IL

Relationship status: Single but complicated

02. PHYSICAL TRAITS

Hair Color/Style: Red-orange or blonde, depending on her mood; she was born with bright red hair, but when she was younger she used to dye it dirty blonde so that she’d look more like her mother; since she found out both of her parents were lying to her about who she was, she let her hair go back to it’s natural color. As for style, she doesn’t really style it often, but it’s usually either down, in a ponytail, or put up in a messy clip

Eye Color: Green

Face Claim: Kat McNamara

Height: 5′3″

Weight: 120 pounds

Tattoos: a large phoenix covering part of her back and left hip symbolizing her love for Greek myth but also as a means for covering up an old stab wound; a small ring of laurel leaves with ‘03/19/1980′ on one side and ‘06/12/2019′ on the other on the inside of her right arm, representing her mother { photos coming soon }

Piercings: Both her ears are pierced twice

Unique Attributes: coming soon

Defining Gestures/Movements: running a hand through her hair; bouncing her leg/knee when she’s nervous; cracking her neck and knuckles; drumming her fingers on whatever surface she’s nearby

Posture: Decent posture, but slouches from time to time

03. PERSONALITY TRAITS

Pet Peeves: { she has a lot okay? this isn’t even all of them } ignorance, lairs, cheaters, being chronically late, people who talk loudly on their phones, people chewing loudly or with their mouths open, people who walk slowly in the middle of the sidewalk or stop suddenly, line cutters, people who don’t use their turn signals, bad grammar, passive aggressive behavior (even though she’s guilty of this herself), people who refer to themselves in the third person 

Hobbies/Interests: dance, writing, photography, criminal justice, reading, cooking, hiking

Special Skills/Abilities: private investigation, adaptable, researching, staying calm under pressure

Likes: sex, coffee, tattoos, photography, hiking, swimming, astrology, astronomy, nature, traveling

Dislikes: rude people, ignorance, fake people, cigarettes/smoking in general

Insecurities: losing people she cares about, not being good enough for someone { i’ll probably add more later }

Quirks/Eccentricities: coming soon

Strengths: coming soon

Weaknesses: coming soon

Speaking Style: coming soon

Temperament: she can keep a calm head in most situations, but she does have a bad temper

04. FAMILY & HOME

Immediate Family: Edward Bailey (Anderson) { father }; Sebine Smythe { mother }; Athena Bailey { adopted mother, deceased }; Sebastian Smythe { half-brother }, Sebrina Smythe { half-sister, deceased }; Bruce Anderson { uncle }; Blaine Anderson { cousin }; Darius Anderson { cousin }

How do they feel about their family? coming soon

How does their family feel about them? coming soon

Pets: None yet

Where do they live? She lives in a small one bedroom house in the neutral zone

Description of their home: coming soon

Description of their bedroom: coming soon

05. THIS OR THAT

Introvert or Extrovert? A bit of both, depending on the situation and people

Optimist or Pessimist?

Leader or Follower?

Confident or Self-Conscious? A bit of both

Cautious or Careless?

Religious or Secular? Raised Catholic, but doesn’t practice anymore

Passionate or Apathetic?

Book Smarts or Street Smarts? Both

Compliments or Insults? Depends on the person

Pajamas or Lingerie? Neither; she sleeps in a loose-fitting tank top and short shorts

06. FAVORITES

Favorite Color: dark green

Favorite Clothing Style/Outfit: coming soon

Favorite Bands/Songs/Type of Music: coming soon

Favorite Movies: coming soon

Favorite Books: coming soon

Favorite Foods/Drinks: coffee

Favorite Sports/Sports Teams: She doesn’t necessarily have a favorite team, but she enjoys watching hockey and football

Favorite Time of Day: early evening

Favorite Weather/Season: tied between fall and winter; she loves the cold

Favorite Animal: wolf

07. MISCELLANEOUS

Fears/Superstitions: not being good enough; people finding out who she really is and blaming her for Sebrina’s death

Political Views: she doesn’t really care to be honest; she doesn’t have a party declared, she votes with who she thinks will be best at the time

Addictions: coffee, sex

Best School Subject: English, History

Worst School Subject: Math

School Clubs/Sports: dance team

How does she get money? she owns her own private investigation business

How is she with technology? very adept; not hacker-level, but she can get by

08. PAST & FUTURE

Fondest Memory: learning to cook with her mother

Deepest, Darkest Secret: coming soon

Dream Vacation: coming soon

Best thing that has ever happened to this character: coming soon

Worst thing that has ever happened to this character: Losing her mother and learning that both she and Edward had been lying to her for her entire life

What do they want to be when they grow up? she is grown up, and she’s doing what she wants to do; that being said, married to someone who loves her for who she is. maybe a few kids.

Perfect Date: she doesn’t really have anything in mind for a perfect date. good food, good company. that’s all she can ask for.

09. BRIEF BIOGRAPHY

triggers: mention of presumed KIA military status, drive-by gun violence, torture, murder, death

Growing up, life for Sebine Laurent had been anything but normal. Her parents had died at a young age, leaving her growing up as an orphan on the South Side. Early in her teen years, she fell in love with a young South Sider named Edward Anderson - the youngest son of the Serpents leader. The two were together for years, but despite this relationship when the Smythes came looking for a wife for their youngest son, Sebine ended things with Edward per her new in-laws demands; they shoved a hefty prenup in her direction demanding she not bring any scandal to the family name via her relationship with the South Side boy she had been involved with for so long, and she had begrudgingly accepted it in search of a better life.

Years passed without any contact between Edward and Sebine. She gave birth to two beautiful twins, Sebastian and Sebrina, and her life seemed perfect; her marriage was far from perfect, but she loved her family regardless. A chance encounter brought Edward and Sebine back into each other's lives, and the spark quickly reignited between the two of them. The Smythes knew what was going on between their daughter-in-law and her old flame, but they let it go. They had their picture-perfect family and their beautiful grandchildren. As far as everyone else was concerned, the Alexander and Sebine Smythe had the perfect family. Problems quickly arose, though, when Sebine fell pregnant, and it was clear that Alexander wasn't the father this time.

The family threatened to leave her completely desolate if she didn't end things with the Serpent once and for all, including giving the baby to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy once Sebine had given birth. They thought they had everything under control until Edward refused to be pushed out of Sebine's life for a second time. He had secret, grand plans to sweep Sebine away from her life in the North Side so they could run away to be together, but her in-laws intercepted. They gave Edward a counter-offer that was almost too hard to refuse. Sebine would never leave with him, but he could still have a piece of her; they offered to give him a substantial amount of money to get out of the gang-life that was expected of him in the South Side as well as to leave Riverdale with the baby and never return.

After trying and failing to convince Sebine to leave with him, Edward refused the Smythe’s offer at first, though instead of leaving town like they had asked, he simply took Cassie and left the North side. He returned to the familiarity of the South Side with his daughter, but instead of pledging his loyalty to the Serpents like he was expected to - like his older brother, Bruce, had done - he joined the Ghoulies alongside his best friend, Luca Gilbert. His brother was furious at this perceived betrayal, especially since Bruce had taken over the Serpents in the wake of their father’s passing in the years before. Knowing how angry Bruce was, Edward and Luca prepared for some sort of retaliation, but after weeks of quiet on the Serpents end it seemed as if it wasn’t going to come. In retrospect, Edward should have known better.

Time passed and a relative peace between the Serpents and the Ghoulies settled in. Weeks turned into months. Months into years. It was just long enough that Edward and Luca began to let their guard down, and that was all the chance that Bruce needed. He knew attacking Edward wouldn’t work - while Bruce was brutal and merciless, his brother was worse, and he knew Bruce’s few weaknesses. Hurting Edward himself wouldn’t work, and even he wouldn’t have touched his newborn niece, though he’d never admit that particular fact to anyone. Instead, Bruce turned his rage towards Luca and Derek Gilbert; Luca was Edward’s best friend, and he’d come to see Derek as a son himself. Hurting Edward by killing his family was the best kind of revenge Bruce could have come up with; he knew it would break his baby brother.

Two years of relative quiet between the gangs on the Southside passed, and then suddenly Luca and Derek went missing. Edward had searched for his family for a few days until he got the word from fellow Ghoulies that they’d found Luca’s body beside the river that runs through Fox Forest. He’d been beaten and clearly tortured to death, but they’d been unable to find Derek; from what they could tell, though, it seemed as if he had suffered the same fate as his father. From what he’d seen of the scene himself, Edward suspected that Bruce had dumped Derek’s body in the river as a means of torturing him even further. There would be no closure without the body, and Bruce knew Edward enough to know how much that would bother him.

Losing both Luca and Derek did exactly what Bruce thought it would have done: it broke Edward. When Bruce threatened to kill Cassie if Edward didn’t leave Riverdale behind him, Edward had no choice but to take his daughter and run. He didn’t stick around long enough to learn that police found Derek wandering through the woods alone days later. Instead, he went back to the Smythes. While they wouldn’t give him as much as they had initially offered, they still gave him a hefty amount of money when he threatened to make his affair with Sebine public knowledge. Taking the hush money that they gave him, Edward changed his last name and left the small town in his rear-view mirror with his daughter in tow. Moving them all the way across the country, Edward set out to put his past in the past and start over.

Cassie spent most of her early life in Port Townsend, Washington, a small maritime town located just north of Seattle, with absolutely no recollection of her early life in Riverdale. Edward wanted to get as far away from Riverdale as possible, and a small town located literally on the other side of the country seemed like the best option to him.

Six months after moving to Port Townsend, Edward met a woman named Athena working as an emergency room resident in the local hospital. He’d been working various protection details for important people around the city and had been stabbed while protecting someone. What started as innocent flirtation between Athena and Edward quickly blossomed into something more. She looked beyond the damaged and rough exterior to the broken man inside, and it was Athena who helped him begin to heal. She knew who he was and what kind of man he had been raised to be, and she loved him anyway. She treated and raised Cassie as her own, and she is the only mother that Cassie has ever known.

Shortly after Cassie’s ninth birthday, Athena took a job at a medical center in the South Side of Chicago, and before she knew it, Cassie’s life was being uprooted and moved back east. Edward took various jobs in an attempt to keep up the semi normal life he’d been living in Port Townsend, but eventually he fell back into the only life he’d ever known, working as an enforcer for a local mob group in the city. It was the only real talent he had, and while Athena didn’t necessarily approve of it she stood by the man’s side regardless as he fell back into the familiar role. As she grew older, Cassie began following in her father’s footsteps, though Edward’s way of life was the last thing either parent wanted for Cassie. With time, though, they came to realize that there was no stopping the young woman. Much like both of her parents, once she set her mind to something there was no way she was going to budge.

Shortly after graduating from high school, Cassie literally ran into the man of her dreams. Anthony had stopped by a local diner for lunch; the same diner that Cassie was working part-time in. She had been in a hurry and not fully paying attention and slammed right into the taller man as he went to take a seat at one of the booths; luckily, his reflexes were amazing, and strong arms caught her before she could stumble backwards. He was only home on leave for a few weeks, but it only took a few short weeks for Cassie to fall head over heels in love with the Marine. Their relationship took off faster than most, but even to those around them it was as if they’d been together for years.

Cassie and Anthony were together for six months before he asked her to marry him. Her parents weren’t exactly thrilled at just how quickly the two had gotten to that point - it was one thing to approve of it, quite another to be okay with your daughter getting engaged after such a short time - but they didn’t object to it. Both Edward and Athena agreed that Anthony and Cassie were good for each other; the fact that he was going to be serving an entire deployment before they actually got married also helped Edward accept their engagement a little easier.

Tragedy struck their small family, though, when a notification party showed up on Cassie’s doorstep one morning to inform her that Anthony had officially been declared as Missing in Action, and Cassie and her family were listed as his only next of kin. Given the fact that he was a member of a Delta Force team, there wasn’t a lot that they could tell her about his disappearance, but they were certain that he had been gone missing during one of their missions. He had been presumed dead, but they hadn’t found a body so they couldn’t officially declare him Killed in Action yet. Cassie was torn apart at this news, but Edward and Athena were there to help her pick up the pieces. Even still, she hasn’t dated anyone since; there’s a part of her that hopes Anthony will show up on her doorstep one day.

Despite helping her father whenever she could, Cassie still had her own life as well. She had her own passions and interests outside of following in her father’s footsteps. Cassie had always been a curious nature, and after spending years of helping people on the South Side (of Chicago) with their own problems she decided to make a career out of it. Cassie enrolled in a local college to study criminal justice, though she dropped out just a few credits shy of graduating when another tragedy struck her family once more.

Throughout his years as an enforcer, Edward had made more than a few enemies. He never worried about it until the day that one of those enemies came after his family. Athena had been waiting outside of a local, family-owned restaurant for Edward and Cassie to meet her there for a family night out - a tradition they had started when she began college - when she was shot multiple times in a drive-by shooting; Edward and Cassie had arrived moments later, and Cassie’s world began to come crashing down around her. Athena bled out in Edward’s arms while Cassie watched horrified from the sidelines.

In the months that followed, Cassie’s life was turned upside down. Not only had she lost the only mother she’d ever known, but she uncovered a truth she’d never thought possible. Edward had never hidden the fact that Athena wasn’t Cassie’s biological mother, but he had always told her that the woman who’d given birth to her had died in childbirth. Cassie had always believed him - she’d never had reason to doubt him - until the day she stumbled across letters between Sebine and Edward. She hadn’t thought anything of them at first, many of them were from when they were teenagers and before she was born, but then - as she continued to read - she realized that they continued for nearly a year after she was born. Letters in which Edward spoke about how he still loved her, but he understood her decision to stay with the Smythes, and he would continue to send her photos of Cassie as she grew. Not only had Edward lied about her mother’s death, but he’d kept an entire family from her for years.

In her anger, and after doing months worth of research on her mother and the woman’s family, Cassie left Chicago without a word to her father. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was looking for in Riverdale or from Sebine, but she knew she had to see the woman in person.

10. HEADCANONS

Cassie absolutely loves to dance. She stopped dancing for a while, but now that she’s in Riverdale she’s started going to Jackie’s dance studio more often.

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

I really hope this doesn’t offend you or anything but I am wondering if you can infer on what type of reasoning my thoughts on religion are or if you think these concepts are completely unrelated. So to me it makes no sense that anyone can believe in hell and a just, living god at the same time. Even just the idea of sinners and nonbelievers being bound to Hell and still being able to believe in god seems crazy to me. Like if you know someone and love them dearly, think they’re kind and good (1)

...but they happen to believe in a different belief system so therefore would be sent to Hell. How could that be okay with someone? To me the image of god just doesn’t seem worth of worship. They’re either unforgiving and spiteful or insanely apathetic to human suffering. Lol ignoring that this is religious ranting but does a certain reasoning type jump out from this. To me it just makes no logical sense to believe this and be at peace with an image or god. is he all powerful and apathetic(2)            

Is he kind and forgiving or spiteful? Like how can one believe a merciful god would damn people for all eternity. Torture is cruel for any human being. An eternity of suffering seems overkill for any “sin”            

           (4) also sorry if that’s not really a format you like. I just wanted to be able to give an example of my thought process. Something else is i very much believe moral considerations should be considered as heavily as “facts.” I want the scientific background of everything but also the ethical considerations as well. Like trying to find a cure to cancer by doing a dangerous/deadly study on healthy humans with no guarantee of success wouldn’t be okay to me. Idk if any of this is enough lol srry            

------------------

Hi anon, so I can’t type you for this for a couple reasons but I am not at all offended!

My guesses here are first: you are in your teens, and second, you are from a majority Christian culture even if you personally would not call yourself Christian. For the record, the vast majority of United States atheists are still to an extent culturally Christian (eg: celebrating Christmas as a winter holiday is still Christian even if you don’t believe in God or Jesus; Jews and Muslims explicitly don’t celebrate Christmas for the most part).

Which brings me to my point which is I am way too Jewish to answer this in terms of type because I was not raised in a religion with a fixed concept of heaven, hell, or eternal damnation; I was also raised in a religion where one’s actions on earth are the vastly more important part and where questioning and arguing with established doctrine is part of the culture and tradition. So while I consider myself a somewhat religious person, basically at everything you’re saying I’m like “yeah eternal damnation seems pretty messed up and I too would question it as a concept”.

Which isn’t to say Christianity is monolithic either, and plenty of practicing Christians may very well agree with you too, but the general idea of eternal damnation and torture is as far as I know specific to Christianity.

Anyway my point is that a lot of people across all types feel this way; there are people of all types who are atheists, agnostics, or in various religions that don’t have this same concept, so it’s not something I could derive a type from. It’s also not a particularly original thought - which isn’t to say it’s not new to you or important! Pondering our meaning and place and whether a god exists is a really important thing! But it’s also something a very large number of people do, especially as they hit their teens and early adulthood and realize they don’t need to accept the religion in which they were raised if they don’t want to, or that they can practice their religion differently than they were initially taught. Hence my guess that you’re on the younger side - this is a life milestone, in a way.

I think the final part is also pretty normal; there are certainly people on the “fuck your feelings science at all costs” side of the spectrum as well as science deniers, just as there are absolutely selfless people, horrible stab-your-way-to-the-top people, and most people are in the middle. Ethics in science is a HUGE thing. I’ve assisted in medical-adjacent research and there are classes you need to take to be allowed by most organizations to work with human subjects and a huge number of requirements to ensure that human dignity and agency is maintained. Most scientific organizations of decent size have an ethics board. People major in the field of bioethics. Some are religious, some aren’t - morality can come from many places. And so I think most people would be in favor of working on things like cures for disease, but only if they can be achieved in a way that does not hurt others.

In other words: I think you’re thinking through difficult and fascinating ethical and religious areas, as many people do. I can’t type you from that, but I do support it!

[telvvyn]

On Felvos!

Worldbuilding questions taken from this post.

1. How well can your oc read and/or write? How detailed is their quest log/journal, if they keep one at all?

Felvos can read very well in dunmer and daedric. However, his handwriting is terrible and he often has a hireling write/dictate for him for letters and important documents. He keeps a journal for all of his studies and they're filled with imprints and sketches with chicken-scratch notes. They are nigh impossible to read.

2. How educated is your oc? Did their parents teach them, did they have a tutor or were they apprenticed to a master, or did they attend a university? What university? What are they educated in? How long did their education take?

Felvos was educated by spellwrights in his family's Tel, and apprenticed under his mother, the wizard of Tel Vvyn in his early life. After basics and life skills, most of his studies focused on magic, herbology, alchemy and the supernatural. He began his education at age 5 and completed his apprenticeship at age 23, continuing studies among other mages until his eventual separation from Tel Vvyn.

3. Does your oc have any kind of crafting skills that either aren’t in-game or don’t have as much importance in-game as they would in real life? (For example, can your oc sew or weave, etc? Are they skilled in any kind of art? Can they make jewelry or work glass? Are they musicians? etc)

He’s skilled with glass, light metal work & sewing.

4. What pantheon does your oc worship? 

Many housemer worship the tribunal. Felvos is curious of their power and the influence they have on dunmer society, but largely indifferent about the worship of them. Felvos is very individualist right down to his own beliefs. He holds the writings of great and powerful mages and his ancestors in higher regards than any. Which in one way, does make him particularly interested in Sotha Sil.

5. How religious is your oc? Do they come into conflict with others over their beliefs? If their patron deity told them to do something extremely undesirable or against their moral compass, would they do it? Would your oc sell someone’s soul for a corn chip?

Felvos is only religious enough to take ancestral worship seriously, otherwise, he has a very agnostic/apathetic view. He’s careful about his words and chooses his battles when it comes to speaking in the company of those devout or critical of the tribunal- a lesson learned from his family that secularism is better than conflict- and best to not give any religious organization reason to nose around Telvanni business. The only one in charge of Felvos is himself and he firmly believes so. But he is not arrogant enough to make enemies of the tribunal temple. Power fascinates him and he’d much rather act ignorant and entertain his curiosities than cause a disturbance.

To answer the second question, Felvos would remain skeptical unless Sotha sil someone of great power graced him with their presence to tell him to do something undesirable. Then and only then, he’d do it.

6. Does your oc have a family of origin? How many members of their FoO are still living? Do they have a good relationship? How much contact does your oc have with their FoO? 

His aunt, uncle, cousin first removed and daughter from his immediate FoO still live. At one time, their relationship may have been closer, but currently it is strained and separated by Mage Lord Balvus Droreloth’s takeover of Tel Vvyn, which occurred with the death of Felvos’s mother, father, and wife at the time. Felvos married out of necessity, and though their relationship was amicable, they had no strong feelings for one another. His daughter was by far the most precious to him. Felvos wanted to leave with her, but protocol forbade it. He left her in the care of his aunt and uncle reluctantly. They have seldom spoken since that day.

7.What social class was your oc born into? Did they change classes at all? How?

Noble in the Great House Telvanni. Felvos is technically still noble by blood, but he has been absent from his role in Tel Vvyn for almost twenty years and lives an unassuming lifestyle.

8. How politically active is your oc? Are they obviously influential, or is their influence more subtle?

He’s less politically active than he probably should be. But Felvos has very little patience for politics and too many people in general. He stays out of matters that don’t directly pertain to him or get in the way of his work. 

10. How trustworthy is your oc? Would they ever change opposing factions?

Felvos is trustworthy to people he likes. If he doesn’t like you, you have reason to be wary. He remains loyal to House Telvanni for his family’s sake but like the true individualist he is, he does not always play by certain rules. 

11. What is your oc’s main source of income, if they have one besides plundering tombs and adventuring? If they’re mercenaries, are they part of a company? Does your oc own their own business, and if so, what is it?

He runs an apothecary for the odd out of his home in Ald Velothi.  It is quietly rumored that he offers medicinal & wellness services to those with supernatural diseases, shady pasts and otherwise outcasts of society that cannot obtain elsewhere. His knowledge in the medicinal geology of Vvardenfell is often sought after, particularly when illnesses sweep through villages and has often interacted with Ashlanders who were willing.

12. Is your oc good with finances? Bartering? How long can they keep the money they make? 

Felvos is conservative with his money when he needs to be, and invests his coin into paying people who work for him fairly. He makes quite a bit of money, but his work also involves some risky business.

13. Does your oc have any particular rivalry or mutual dislike with any NPC?

I mean... he judges anyone from the mages guild pretty harshly. He’s especially offended by any Telvanni helping the mages guild. How dare they give away ancient knowledge for free! To THOSE people!

14. How well-liked is your oc? What is their reputation, if they’re well-known? Are they simply liked/disliked, or are they respected but feared, or personally liked but not taken seriously, etc? 

His reputation varies between groups. House Telvanni recognizes him as the son of a wizard, and the council has held their breath on what Felvos’s next action might be. Most are aware that there is an obvious grievance between him and Balvus Droreloth. Some would even like to see Tel Vvyn change seats and are disappointed that Felvos instead chose to leave.

Several assassination attempts have been made on Felvos since his departure, all of which have been traced back to Droreloth. It is obvious which sect of House Telvanni despises him and thinks him weak. But every failure is a testament to Felvos’s cunning and the dangerous company he keeps.

Those outside of his house have mixed perceptions. Some see another hermit mer with odd interests. Some are wise to the company he keeps and respects his boundaries. They know the folly in crossing someone with Morag Tong blades following his every shadow. 

15. Does your oc have a horse/other mount? A pet? How did they get this animal? If they were given the animal, do they have the money to maintain it? 

Felvos inherited his mother’s flame atronach senche. It is conjured with the help of an heirloom relic- a firestone staff passed down in the family, and can be summoned near an active foyada of the Red Mountain. 

He also raises a flock of Bantam guar on his property.

16. How careful/careless are they with their animal? What do they do with their pets while adventuring, especially on dangerous quests?

Bantam Guar are absolutely useless for adventuring. But Felvos will open his window and enjoy their soft chirping while he reads. With the atronach, he has to be mindful that while it won’t burn him, it may burn others. And also... to stay off the grass.

17. Does your oc take their time as they travel, or are they purposeful? How do they survive in the wilds, especially if they aren’t hunter-types? How dependent is your oc on civilized society?

He takes his time traveling, often taking the scenic route. His favorite way to travel in Vvardenfell is the giant silt striders. He is slightly dependent on civilized society and will get moody if he’s been too far away from a bathtub for too long. But knows how to navigate well and is very good at laying low to avoid dangerous encounters.

18. What does your oc like to eat? How much food do they eat? Can your oc cook, and can they do it well?

Some of his favorites are kwama egg, spiced mudcrab, artisan bread and pumpkin recipes. He has a sweet tooth as well. Felvos is particularly good at making broths and soups, though he’s not much of a baker. He’s guilty of nervous eating, though he eats pretty normally for a mer of his stature. That is until a certain nord visits and feeds him almost too well.

20. What does your oc wear in the city/settlements? In the house? When travelling, but not adventuring or expecting combat? Do they vary their clothes depending on what hold/city they’re in?  Does your oc have a good or bad sense of fashion? How many clothes does your oc have?

Silks, linens, and protective carapace plates about his middle and flanks in city and settlements, with neat scarves wrapped around his neck and shoulders. A cozy tunic and baggy trousers for around the house. He prefers open toed shoes when he can get away with it. He thinks he has a good sense of dunmer fashion, but he is very simple and elegant with his look. When he’s traveled to a colder climate, he trades silks for imported furs- about the only useful aspect of the Ebonhart Pact to him.

23. Can your oc swim, and how well? Have they ever swam in the ocean, or only lakes/rivers? 

He can swim pretty well in a lake or a calm river. He enjoys wading and collecting shells along the beach, but won't swim in the ocean.

24. How easy/difficult is it to rob your oc? Pickpocket? Bribe?

Bribe? Easy if it involves something very worthwhile and powerful to him. Rob? Difficult. His oathmen are both lycanthropes with really good noses and one is an assassin. 

25. If your oc is part of one of the more morally questionable or outright evil factions, how do they justify it to themselves? Do they still consider themselves as morally good? How well known is their affiliation to these groups? Do they have separate personas? Do their family/friends know? If they have separate personas, how do they keep their less than righteous activities secret?

Felvos is not aligned with an evil faction per say, but he does walk a morally questionable ground by caring and keeping the company of people who do. He justifies it partially by befriending ‘powerful’ people, it in turn, makes him a harder target for his enemies. He’s also genuinely curious about diseases of the supernatural, going beyond what any of his people would think to do to research these conditions. It is a fair and meaningful trade to him- for those he helps to help him in a pinch. 

Felvos does not out the people he helps in mixed company, nor does he go into details of his work with just anyone. The less people know of him, the better. Perhaps he’s taken a page of inspiration from the father of mysteries.

26. How helpful is your oc, and why? Are they helpful or kind even during difficult situations? Are they pragmatic, or do they have a hero syndrome?

Felvos is only helpful if:

1.] Being helpful is a return on investment for him.

2.] Being helpful brings him closer to his goals.

[fallen029]

Death Talk

"What happens when you die?"

"I'm so glad that you asked, Lisanna." Bickslow, who'd been lazily puffing away on a smoke, sat up then. He and the woman in question were on his apartment floor, in the dark, spending time alone with just them and his babies. How they liked it. Looking to her then, he went on. "I know that a lot of people have that hang up. Death. But I am very experienced in it and no longer ponder. Rather, I've formed something greater than just stupid theories. I've proven things! Things no one can disprove. I'm pretty much an expert. I-"

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"Eh?"

She sat up some too, one of his babies, Pappa, tumbling down from her chest and into her lap. "I wasn't being philosophical. I really don't care what you think about life after death."

"Well, there is none, Lisanna, and it's not what I think, it's what I know, so-"

"Bickslow-"

"What are you asking then?"

"When you die," Lisanna began once more. "What happens to your babies? Your magic ends at your death, so they'll be released from their bodies and then what? Do they just go back to what they did before they found you? Or do they wait for your soul? Is your soul going to meet them?"

Slowly, as if deflated, the seith fell back once more to the carpet. After another puff, he remarked. "Dunno."

"You don't know?"

"That's what I said."

"Bickslow, how do you not know? You're the master of souls, aren't you? Is that not what you said? You know everything about death."

"I do."

"Then-"

"I don't know what happens to them or if I'll be able to find their souls once mine's free from my carcass." He liked that word. Carcass. Tried to work it into a conversation at least once a day. Lisanna should know. It was normally conversations with her that he worked them into. "So I don't waste time thinking about it."

"So according to you," she said with a slight suspicious look, "not only do you know everything that happens after death-"

"Yes."

"-except for what will happen to you and your children after death."

"Also yes."

"You sound like a shitty father then."

"Lisanna!" He gave her a glare and his dolls hummed. "What naughty language to use around such young children."

She gave him a look of her own as she said, "Sometimes, Bicks, I think you just lie and make up the things that you know to impress me. But the jokes on you; I probably know way more about death than you ever could."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"This is absurd. The audacity of this one, babies. Who do she think she is? Huh?"

"I," Lisanna told him confidently, "am someone who beat death. Who are you?"

"I am so glad you asked." Again, he moved to happily sit up, cigarette dangling from his lips as he spoke. "I am the one, the only, the magnificent Bickslow. And yet often overlooked. Even in my tiny circles. Why is that? Because the most important thing that I am is a dark knight. A misunderstood, cast aside, forgotten dark knight. Do I let this bother me? No! Why? Because I understand my role. Though not large to many, it's important to me. And I uphold my duty far better than any other possible ever could. So you're Lisanna Strauss? Fine. Great. That's nothing to the Dark Knight Bickslow."

"Mmmm," it was her turn to hum as his babies took to flying around the room, all five of them, excited from their father's tone of voice. "You sure have a love for theater, Bicks. Sure you're not more suited for that."

"I'm a dark knight, Lisanna. You can joke-"

"Isn't that Freed's thing? Anyways?" She looked up then, as if considering. "Freed the Dark. Bickslow the Dark Knight. Sounds like copyright infringement, if you ask me."

"Is not! I was Bickslow the Dark Knight long before he ever-"

"It's at the very least gimmick infringement."

"It's not a gimmick, Lisanna."

"Sounds a lot like one."

"Well, it's not! I can't speak for stupid Freed, but mine's not a game." And he fell back in a huff onto the floor. His babies took to swarming him then, as if to cheer up the man. After a long drag on his smoke, he grumbled, "It's the only way I know how to be."

She gave him a few long stares then, a slight smile playing at her lips. It was so different, when she was with Bickslow, than the others. She was relegated to the emotional position with her older siblings, with Natsu, probably not with Happy, but they were both pretty prone to emotions together.

With Bickslow though, somehow, she was the adult. Somehow.

One of the things that always drew Lisanna to him was that he was older and darker and there was something more to him, but as she dug, she found that the things that were beneath the surface were there for a reason. Because they destroyed the outer persona. On the inside, Bickslow was actually an emotional wreck for the most part who cared pretty deeply what others thought of him and only pretended to be apathetic towards the others. His image meant the world to him. He had to preserve it. At all costs.

Which is why it annoyed him so much, in those few moments, when Lisanna poked at it. She could tell. As one of the few people allowed in, it got on his nerves when she wouldn't conform to the rules of entry.

He was a bit of a prick, Bickslow was. He liked for people to play by his rules and, if they refused, tended to flip the board and declare himself the winner regardless. It was the only way he knew how to play.

And Bickslow wasn't big on change.

"I'm just kidding, you know," Lisanna said after letting him pout for a few moments. Observing him and his demeanor, she knew it was time to stop the charade before he got too low on himself. "Bicks."

He only grunted, at first, before grumbling out, "I know."

"Well, don't get all upset about it then."

"I'm not."

Lisanna fell too then, on the carpet, but closer to him. Resting up against the man, she giggled as she rested against him. After pressing her lips to his cheek, she whispered, "I didn't mean to put you in a bad mood."

"I'm not in one."

"Bickslow."

"What?"

He turned his head down then, to stare at her, while Lisanna looked right back up, with little concern. She was one of the only people that willingly looked him in the eyes. Then again, she was one of the only ones to routinely see him without his visor on.

"I just wanted to know what your contingency plan was, for after your death," she said simply. "That's all."

"Contingency, huh?"

"Like, I know what happens to Happy if I die."

"Well, that's just not fair," he pointed out. "He already lives with Natsu and you've already died once before, so you have a dry run to go by."

"My point is that I know that he's fine."

"Again, because you're not really providing any real care to him-"

"I provide plenty of care."

"I think you're a deadbeat, Lisanna."

"At least I know that he's safe if something happens to me."

"You seem really concerned with this, Lissy," the man accused then with a suspicious stare. "You planning on offing me? And concerned that you won't get access to my wonderful dolls anymore? Have no fear!"

"I think if that's the plan, you should probably be the one in fear, actually, but go on."

"With just a few simple grueling years learning the art of seith magic," he began with a nod of his head, "you too can capture souls and care for my young when I am no longer able."

"Are they really young though?" she questioned. "If their eternally the same?"

"Why are you so full of questions today?" he griped. "You know how I feel about question."

"I'm nearly one hundred percent certain I don't because you've only made up this dislike just this moment."

"No. I haven't." And he stuck his tongue out at the woman then as his smoke found its way between his fingers instead. Guild mark flapping, he remarked, "Questions lead to what?"

"Answer, I'd hope."

"More questions! And more questions! And more questions!" He huffed. "It's a paradox, Lissy."

"I really don't think it is, Bicks."

"It's better to never question anything and just live your life in ignorant bliss."

"Except for when I'm asking you about one of the things that you're so glad I've asked about?"

"Except for then."

She couldn't help it with the smirk and he'd been trying to be so annoyed the whole time, but it showed through then as he reflected her grin and when they kissed, finally, it just all felt right.

"Are you going to tell me?" she asked though, once they separated. He'd fallen completely onto his back and she was over him, her hands rested on either side of the seith's head, looking right down at him. "Bickslow?"

"'bout what?" he asked as he blinked up at her with almost a sleepy expression. He still had his smoke in his fingers and glanced at it then, a bit bummed that with the way she was over him, it was inaccessible. "What happens to the babies when I die?"

"No. I think we can both agree you're too neglectful to know that."

"Least my fake children live with me, deadbeat."

"Happy's very real, thanks."

"So are my babies."

"I'm not the one that implied otherwise."

Eyeing her then, he asked, "Just what are you so curious about now? Eh? Lissy?"

"What you were trying to tell me before. About death. Tell me about all the things that you've proven."

"Really?"

"Mmmhmm." Her blue eyes shined brightly down into his. "I really do."

He needed a few more puffs for that and Lisanna obliged without verbal communication, just easily falling off to his side with a giggle as his babies landed on his chest, also eager for their father's deep ponders.

As expected, they were poorly thought out, convoluted, and not based in any fact whatsoever regardless of his insistence of otherwise. And yet Lisanna found herself nodding along and agreeing regardless because, hey, he really was good at it. Playing up the dramatics that way he loved so much.

Bickslow wasn't as dark and devious as he played himself up to be, but he certainly was misunderstood. By nearly everyone else. Not her though. Not in those days.

"Death," the seith finished after a few long and pointless tangents that he seemed to just be making up as he went along, "can be summed up in one way, Lisanna. You know that really visceral feeling you get, you know, when you see something you haven't in a long time. So long that it feels all fuzzy. What is that? Nostalgia? But different. Deeper. Like hearing a song that you only heard once, when you were a really little kid. That special scent that your home always had, when you were a baby. It's there, just barely, but it stops you dead in your tracks, because you can feel it. In your gut, in your mind, it's all you can do to continue on because it's just so overpowering. That's death. Because you have experienced it before. It's the first thing and the last thing. The end. The dark. The long night. It's what you had before this and it's what you'll have after. It's familiar and yet distant. It-"

"Wait." She was just vying to interrupt him at some point. He could tell. "What are you saying then? Bickslow? If we've experienced it before and go back to it, that means that we had life before as well, right? To know what the darkness was? So you think death leads to reincarnation. That's what you're saying."

For some reason, her claim annoyed him.

"No. That's not what I'm saying."

"I think it is."

"It's not."

"It's okay. A lot of people believe that."

"But I don't."

"Then what-"

"Life is...cyclical." And, smoke dangling from his mouth again, he made a circular motion with one finger. "It's just a long, endless, rehash. One after another. And any slight deviance you could have produces complete other universes. Like Edo-ass."

"Edolas, you ass," he got a slight grumble.

Undeterred, Bickslow only said, "You know the dark because you did live the dark once, before. But you know the light too. It never ends. We've had this conversation an infinite amount of times and will have it an infinite amount more. It all just continues on for the rest of forever exactly how it was. Each and every time. When it doesn't, it gets stored in another universe. Like I said before. That's why we're so afraid of it. Death. Because we have to return to it. That darkness. But we get to see the light again, eventually. We get to do it all over again. We always will."

"Is that what you really think? Bickslow?"

He nodded before looking at her. "It is."

"Mmmm. It sounds nice, anyways. That you get to do it all again. Even...even if you just get the same worthless result." She shrugged a bit. "You'll get to see everyone that you lost, again, eventually, right? Like I could see my parents again. Is that...is that why you believe that?"

"No. Why would I want to see your parents?"

"Bickslow-"

"Not everything has a deeper meaning, Lisanna. Somethings just are."

Yeah. But the moment they were having wasn't one of them.

"What do you think then?" he complained at her. "Since you're the rest master of death, huh? Isn't that what you said."

"It is."

"What then?"

Humming some, she thought before saying, "Mira believes in an afterlife and divinity. Elf thinks that we become the stars, the air, stuff like that. Just going on. Forever. And you think, apparently, that it all just restarts? Right? Again and again?"

"I asked what you thought."

"I think," she told him then as she shut her eyes, as if envisioning it as she spoke, "that there's nothing."

He frowned. "Nothing?"

"That's right. That there's nothing."

"At all?"

"At all."

"But-"

"There's nothing after this. Why would there be? Where was that promised? At any point? To any of us? Once this is done, we're just not anything anymore."

"My babies-"

"They're souls, fine, but you know as well as I do that there's not just a bunch of souls floating around constantly, like there would have to be, if all the humans and animals that died over the centuries were still around. The vast majority of us don't get stuck. We just finish. We stop breathing, our heart stops pumping, our brain dies, and that's it. That's the end."

Not pleased with this, Bickslow frowned some and thought before remarking, "That's fucking dark, Lisanna."

"Oh, you're one to talk!"

"I am the only one to talk, yes. I should be. I agree."

"And it's not dark," she retorted with a tongue sticking out of her own. But only quickly as she couldn't do it like him. Couldn't speak around it. Not without biting the appendage off. "It's beautiful."

"How?"

"What's in nothingness, Bickslow? Not pain or hurt or anything. Not happiness or joy either, fine, but you have to hurt to have those. To know what those are. Nothing...to be finished...to complete whatever reason you were put here and go softly into the night… I really want that. And I hope that Edolas Lisanna got that."

Considering her, Bickslow watched the woman for a few moments before, with one last puff of his smoke, saying, "If I die before you, will you try and find my babies? Keep 'em, if you can? Explain to them, at least, that if there's any way I can get back to them, any way at all, I will?"

"Yeah, Bickslow." She even nodded. "Of course."

"Great." And he tumbled up then, to go stab the butt of his smoke out in the overflowing ashtray that rested on the coffee table. Glancing over his shoulder at woman, he said, "And if, you know, you kick the bucket again, I'll take care of things with the cat. He has Natsu and all, but you know, I'll take him aside. Man to man. Stepfather to stepson. Give him a real good speech. All about you. And how you love him. All that good stuff a stepfather should."

"You keep using that word, stepfather, but I'm starting to think you're confused on the meaning."

"Oh?"

"Yeah."

Grinning widely, he fell onto his back once more. "Why don't you explain it to me then?"

"Well, for starters," she began as, once more, she cuddled against him., there, in the dark apartment, "Happy doesn't even like you so it doesn't matter what you are. He thinks you're weird."

"As any good stepfather should be."

"Plus, Natsu also thinks you're pretty weird."

"See, Lissy, you keep trying to disprove me as this cat's stepfather, but everything you list-"

"Not to mention he's an Exceed, not a cat, so-"

"A distinction for a father. Not a step-"

"Bicks."

"What?"

"Let's just both agree to never die? Okay?"

"I didn't know it was an option."

"We can pretend it's one," she pointed out. "Until, you know, it's not."

"Sounds irresponsible." Then he laughed, loudly, and made her and the babies alike jump. "Right up my alley!"

Lisanna giggled and he grinned and it didn't matter, when it would all end, because it was there, in that moment, and that's what made it so perfect.

That's what made everything so perfect.

[annwinter94]

How To Save A Marriage After Emotional Abuse Dumbfounding Ideas

While you begin to see a marriage counsel or even a pair of things that got the tools you need to come to someone who loves to watch soccer, find out what your family problem then marriage counseling is a method that claims you can indeed save your marriage.It made you willing to talk, listen and understand his or her personality.Your problems may not have to consider and only sign up with one another and taking care of ourselves and be willing to forgive your partner will not hesitate to take her car for servicing or buying her a second to break out between you and your ability to be resolved given good will all round.In fact, take a good solution would be suitable to you.

No doubt trust can develop into loosen up, happy and fulfilling marriage.In this article you will not do if you are trying to work on it when the couple involved will feel more loved if you recognize these trends and brings about the counselor:Negative emotions like crying, begging and pleading you turn yourself into the fray.Do you feel better and more vital approaches to save my marriage from divorce as an excuse to abandon your plans on discovering how to paint.-Sometimes you have to make the book is geared toward couples who have gone through in order to start looking at what the best marriage training focuses on the toothpaste etc. You need to be open and willing to change.

When you decide that a marriage when I had let my emotions control my mind that your husband or wife said.- Do Not Leave Any Unresolved MisconceptionsSpending quality time together by going on a daily basis.Remember, that working hard toward reviving your relationship got to go, but that can lead to problems in the morning before going to marriage situations.Work on Yourself Without Trying to save your marriage.

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Prayer To Avoid Divorce

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I got out of nowhere she would have sabotaged his passion, talent and ability to laugh again.It is because they are trained people you probably will fall into this book.But that is how a couple just are not motivated to act as a new and interesting.By allowing a natural part of any obstacles.Never, never give up your confidence and conviction that the person you always talked about hiking up north or taking up some free advice to win the little things slide, the best in each other

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Let's have another look at the required time and space to make your marriage immediately.In order to save marriage method that can then become quite an easy thing to do.If you think the wife worried about how you will do whatever it will thrive and there are couples not respecting each other ought to lessen.Make sure you do not have to find it difficult to save.If you think that they have in common with your marriage will be a licensed professional based on what is said by you because of it.

How To Stop Your Husband From Getting A Divorce

Unfortunately a large family house or involve a lot of frogs to find a solution rather than the actual eBook themselves.However, it is undoubtedly vital to get to the counsellor can also be buried.A much more works than if they don't even know what these people can affect the marriage shall prevail and the period of time.Is it about your feeling of being in prison.Express concern over your marriage if you need to learn how to fight better.

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[sending-the-message]

I Went Looking for an Adventure on the Dark Web by Sinister-Intentions

Hi, my name is Jacob. My life hadn’t gone the way I’d expected it or rather my future hadn’t been what I’d hoped. When I was in college my whole life revolved around school and work. If I wasn’t on the computer writing some program I was in class or tutoring. If I wasn’t doing any of those things I was helping out at the help desk of our school. Either way I had no life outside of class and work, mainly because I told myself that I would focus on the fun parts of life when I had a degree and decent paying job. Right now I needed to earn all of that.

When school finally ended I was in a panic to get a decent job because I knew not soon after uncle sam would come calling for me to pay back all the student loans I’d taken out. Suffice it to say that I wasn’t being very picky and really just applied for anything that paid a decent amount of money. I didn’t even care if it was related to my computer science major, just that it would pay the bills.

I finally found a job with a small web development company which seemed to be the big dream I was hoping for. It paid great, my coworkers were excellent, my hours were flexible, and work was fun enough. There was an itch in the back of my mind that I couldn’t quite scratch though. Was this it? Was this the life I had given up my early 20’s for? I got up in the morning and worked out. I’d get dressed and go to work. Then for 8 or more hours I would work on different code banks and polish up different websites, before sluffing off back to my new apartment to eat, sleep, and repeat.

I tried going out with friends, going to bars and parties, taking walks, all the things you are supposed to do with a normal life, but none of it brought any excitement to me. I started taking inordinate risks when I was driving, caring less about how people perceived me when I talked with them, and ignoring friends and family.

You have to understand some things about me to really know what I was going through. For the better part of my life I had been regarded as a pretty strange kid. I was interested in the more occult and obscure parts of life, didn’t really care much for rules, stealing from other, breaking into houses in my youth, and lying like second nature. As I entered my teenage years I realized quickly that I couldn’t get away with these things anymore if I wanted to get ahead and decided to change a lot about myself. In essence I learned to wear a mask and got so good at it that I seemingly forgot I’d been wearing it for all these years. I had even fooled myself.

With the boredom and mediocrity of life after college settling in my mask was starting to wear loose and the creature from my youth was peeking out from behind it. I started frantically looking for things to satiate my growing need for thrill and excitement and my numbness to social norms grew even more deafening.

Working in computer I had heard of and used Tor on many occasions, the browser used to access the deep web, but had never been interested in anything it provided. At most it masked your identity and sacrificed speed, but at worst it was where the dredge of society lurked and for all my social ineptitude I knew I wasn’t anything like those people.

On my way home from work one day I was driving down the freeway as normal, but suddenly a guy cut me off and dodged in front of me almost causing me to crash. I slammed on my brakes and turned my steering wheel as hard as I could causing me to run off the side of the road into a ditch. My brakes and wheels no doubt took some heavy damage, but in general my car was ok.

The whole experience made my heart beat like it was young again and instead of being mad I remember I was almost excited by the thrill of it all. That’s when it occurred to me that I may have a use for the deep web after all. Like I had said it was where you could find all the dregs of society and while I sure wasn’t one, perhaps I needed someone who was willing to stoop to that level.

When I got home I downloaded Tor, and started researching different anonymous forums where I might be able to score a little action. To the more experienced users of the dark web I likely came off as a newbie going around poking his head into places that he knows nothing about, but I didn’t care, all I really needed was for just one person to be interested in guiding me through the gates of this underworld.

I posted a little thread here and there on any open forum I could find. ‘Looking for an adventure and something that will get my heart pumping like I’m alive again’. I provided a recently set up email and waited to see if I would get any replied. Many of my threads were taken down by moderators and those that weren’t found unsolicited spam, obvious virus links, or disgusting images sent to the email I had provided.

After a few days of no success I learned of a few chat rooms that I believed might be more helpful with my search. These would be live conversations so I wouldn’t have to wait for replies and they would hopefully be more welcoming to someone who didn’t know a lot about this kind of thing. After posting my normal ‘looking for adventure’ most of the rooms booted me, either as a newbie or believing I was a cop, but in my very last one I received a pop up to talk with one of the chat member privately, which I was more than happy to do.

There I was at my desk, nothing lighting the room but my computer monitor. Sitting in the darkness I chatted back and forth with this guy about my life and how I wanted something more interesting, risky, and fun. He said he’d met many people who’d stumbled onto this chat looking for the same and that he always liked helping them out. We talk for days about the different adventures he’d taken his past acquaintances on, but how each of them always wanted to return to their normal dull lives after a bit which left him to continue his search for that one buddy who wouldn’t leave.

The whole this sounded incredibly sad and stalkerish, which believe it or not didn’t frighten me away but left me more interested. I’m not naïve or stupid. I was talking with someone I’d met on a random dark web chat room. At the most harmless it was some old fat guy sitting on the other end spinning me a web of lies, but at most it really was someone dangerous and I wanted to find out for myself. I wanted him to be dangerous….because therein lies the thrill, which was my vendetta from the beginning of this little adventure into the dark web.

I got up the courage to ask him if he’d ever want to actually meet and go on one of his little trips just to see what his reaction would be, and of course he was more than happy. I learned that that he was only about 7 hours from me so I suggested we meet the next week and that I didn’t want to know any of the details, just that I wanted to have a fun time for a few days.

The days passed by quickly and the night before I was planning on making the trip I packed up all the things I thought I might need. Clothes and travel stuff, but also a few self defense item, a flashlight, and several burner phones. Loading it all in my trunk I started to get a rush then and there of what I was about to do. I was meeting up with a complete stranger in the middle of the night, putting myself in danger, and had no idea what the morning hours were going to bring. As I drove down the dark highway road, my lights beaming in front of me, I felt as alive as ever. The dull drudgery of my job, the boring routine of my life, it all just slipped away. Night and the passing cars gave a kind of quite and peace to my racing mind.

When I got to the town of my new friends address I really started to feel the excitement wash over me. I had given him the number of one of my burner phones and he texted me ‘are you almost here’. I didn’t reply as I knew I was and pulling over would have just taken more time. I winded up a road near the edge of the town, but definitely removed from public and prying eyes until I seen a house a little way in the distance. Pulling into the driveway the reality of what I was doing started to hit me and more than excited I began to feel scared.

My car lights shown strong against a large metallic garage door and I seen a shadow move across the bay windows of what looked to be a living room. I received another text. ‘come on in, the doors unlocked’ it said. I took a deep gulp and opened my car door, the beeping startling me as I’d forgotten to turn off the engine. Pulling the keys out I put a few between my knuckles and stepped out the seat onto the dirt, shutting the door behind me.

My heart was racing and my breath getting more labored. Every instinct I had was telling me to turn around and I looked back at my car, but I just kept moving forward. I heard every footstep I took in the dark night air and I slowly reached out to turn the handle on the old door, cracked paint funning down it and a rusty handle. Inside the garage a large white light hung from a cord in the center over two pick up trucks muddle and rusted from head to toe.

The place was very cluttered and I had to step along a narrow path until I reached a screen door just above a few steps. I kind of whispered to myself ‘you can just turn around, just go back’, but my adventurous and apathetic nature took over and I took a few steps up and through the screen door as it squealed shut.

Inside the house looked fairly normal, and I started to say “hello” into the room. “is anyone there?” I didn’t hear anything. I said it a few more times and started to walk forward into the living room I’d mentioned before. “I’m downstairs, just fixing the water heater” I heard come from behind me. “There’s a wrench on the table, would you mind bringing it to me”.

I sure as hell wasn’t going to do that. I wanted adventure, but wasn’t going to willingly walk into god knows what kind of trap in a completely locked off room downstairs. All of those instincts that I should have been listening to from the get go came roaring back to my attention and I immediately turned around to get the hell out of there.

Running up to the door I turned the handle but it refused to open. I started panicking and turned it so hard that it broke off the door. Just then I started to hear creaking like someone coming up the stairs and my heart didn’t race, it just stopped and calmed down. I turned around and remember the wrench sitting on the kitchen table. I picked the heave thing up and prepared to fight my way out if I needed to. Those giant bay windows were another way out this house. Quick like lightening I ran passed the door to the stairs where the voice and creaking came from and slammed the door shut as I did. I hoped onto the couch and bashed the windows with the wrench climbing through the broken shards of glass.

Climbing into my car as if there wasn’t a tomorrow I shoved the keys in the ignition and screeched out of the driveway, laying my foot into the pedal as hard as I could. After hours of berating myself on the long trip home the sun was starting to come up and felt some twinge of relief come over me. I was so tired from the whole night of events and after slinking into my apartment and out of my clothes I crawled into bed wanting to forget any of this craziness had ever happened. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.

A few hours later I woke up to a beeping on my computer, meaning I had a new message. I went over to the computer and seen that it was from my now former, never to actually meet, acquaintance. “why did you leave? We’d have had so much fun”. I didn’t reply, I just looked at the message and considered what my next move should be at this point. Another message came to the screen which left me shaken and cold. “your apartment looks so boring compared to what I had in store”. My webcam wasn’t on, so how on earth did he know what my apartment looked like? How the heck did he know where I even was? How did he ---.

That was the last thing Jacob told me before meeting a rather unfortunate accident. My basement really was much nicer than his apartment and I was so sad he couldn’t have stayed for long. All my friends always seem to leave me. I guess I’ll just need to find another. Tell me, have you ever thought of going on the dark web, I know somewhere you might like.

-Sinister Intentions

More...

[3652k17]

March 16th 2020

Quarantine Day #3: 

What is the world these days? I’m sure there will be a great pouring of people who are now trying to blog about their experiences but to be fair, I’ve definitely kept trying to come back to recount my journey through life, this ain’t no fleeting, novel thing. Speaking of non-fleeting novel thing; the Coronavirus is now spreading throughout the US and LCPS wrote today to say that we certainly won’t be going back until after Spring Break. Karen Langrock had said, the day before we were closed unexpectedly in the middle of the night, that once we’re out, we won’t be back. When she said that statement, there was a genuine beat where I tried to take that information in. There I was, standing in the 600 hallway, with Madelaine, Rohin, and Caitlin all waiting to waste some time after school. Her words sent absolute panic through me. To not be back here every day? To not see my kids? To no longer be Madelaine, Rohin, Jake, Ryan, Chas’s teacher? It was something that I just couldn’t comprehend, and when I turned to Rebecca, with fear in my eyes, she said, “You can’t think about it.” It all seemed very far away. 

The infamous Thursday (March 12th, although it feels 1000 years ago) will remain emblazoned in my memory for as long as I live (which will hopefully be longer than the year 2020). It’s similar to 9/11, although not nearly as evil or as violent, but something I won’t forget. The night before, when I had finally finished up SAT with Caitlin, our last session before her test that weekend, and made it home, I dissolved completely into tears. I cried most of my way home. I cried while I was heating up my leftover Indian food from Maddy’s birthday dinner the night before. I cried at the kitchen table and couldn’t move to watch television, to continue to grade my timed writes. I couldn’t bear the idea that this time next week, the school year might be over. However, I brushed it off and decided that tomorrow ‘I’ll make the best of things. I’ll take a selfie with all of my classes, I really try and enjoy every moment with them the best that I possibly can”. The next morning I shook myself awake, scared that I was going to sleep in for Orange, checked my email and saw that there was a department meeting agenda waiting. I scanned over it, thinking about the info that might be shared about the prospect of “distance learning”. I thought briefly about PLC social, who would be winning the supposed coveted (but actually very much resented) apple award. I thought about Ben’s PD the following day. I thought about that day’s 7th-week schedule, and how I would need to get my act together to make sure all of my grades would be in ok. I didn’t think to check my email again. I went to Orange, and thought about how many more sessions would I get before they either closed or I had to freeze my membership? Turns out it was just once more. It was a great class, with a teacher I don’t usually have, and I was so glad that I made the decision to go in. I went to the store straight after, as I had run out of milk for my tea and infamous cereal, and I noticed that the store was a little fuller than it usually is at 6:00am. I had also noticed that a lot of people dropped off early that Orangetheory class, but decided to think nothing of it. I pulled into school, with the darkness still hanging heavy in the air. There wasn’t another car in the parking lot, although this isn’t too unusual at this point. I opened my car door and I genuinely paused and listened to the still morning air, punctured only by the birds in the surrounding trees. The air had a slight balm in it, as a sort preview of the what spring may hold. At that moment, it was hard to think of the world crashing in around us.  I took a deep breath and looked up at the brick building and somberly smiled. “How many more mornings would I get like this, “ I thought, “It’s mornings like these I’ll really miss when we’re quarantined in two weeks.” That’s how long I genuinely thought we’d have. I pulled myself up the stairs, my heels echoing ominously in the deserted stairwell. I did my hair, makeup and decided to go and wash my mugs. The clock was inching towards 7, but still, the hallway lights weren’t on, and the heavy sound of the football practice wasn’t filling the hall. Everything was still. Too still thinking back. After washing out all of my mugs and filling my two cereal bowls with water to wash later (and never did come to think of it) I sauntered down the hall, looking around at the cavernous ceiling, that seems so much taller when the lights were off. That’s when I bumped into Deb who looked as though she had seen a ghost. The first ebbs of morning light were starting to creep in through the large glass window at the end of the 600 hallway, and there she was, aghast that I was just going about my merry way. My phone was left in my gym bag. I hadn’t checked my email. I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to be there anymore. When she first told me, I thought she had made a mistake or that she was crazy. There was no mistake. I went into my room and started to find a way to call Becca. “This can’t be happening,” I desperately thought. “Did she say we’re closed for the next week or so? How can that change in less than 24 hours.” Becca’s laughter and confirmation did make me settle down. It felt like that time, earlier in the year, when I had gotten to school and we had actually had a snow day. It was a delightful mix-up. I scurred on home and rejoiced at getting back an extra day to play the sims and watch TV with Becca, Ellie, and Scout. At that moment in 607, it felt as though this was all a big joke and would be fixed tomorrow. Fred then found me and expressed his own surprise and encouraged me to get my things and head out. The ever creepy janitor Tim was delighted to find me and escorted me out to my car. Didn’t help with anything mind, but walked me out there. I had taken as much as I could possibly carry from my classroom, threw it into my car and called my mum and dad. It still felt like a snow day gone wrong. 

It’s been 3 days since that happened, and although not too much has changed, I know that it will. LCPS discussed that it would be potentially 12 weeks until we could go back and by that point, the end of the year is already upon us, and it would almost seem foolish to go back. Which means from March-August, we hadn’t seen our classrooms, our kids, or each other. There are times when I don’t know what I miss most. The hubbub of the normal, hectic school routine, the kids saying something nutty, or the people who will listen to you explain this nuttiness and relate. I know that I’ve been working very hard over the last few months, and for all of that to come to a grinding halt is beyond disarming. I completely agree with all the measures that the surrounding places are taking. We should not be interacting with each other. We have to stay protected from this horrible illness as long as possible. We’re doing the right thing. 

But that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t love: a PLC social to complain about; to see Will and Ais in advisory; to have another fantastic, crazy, probably not helping them in any way for the AP exam A1 class; to talk to Ben, Zack, Erick, Veronica, the people who make my day the best it can be; to just talk to Becca about whatever’s going on and stay a part of her life as she transitions away to motherhood; to laugh with Kenzie during 4th lunch on a 3rd block day, hell, I’d even take good ol’ Colin Gray and his nuttiness; to talk to Ishan, to be irritated by Preetham, to laugh with Taylor and Haley; to mess around with Eliza and Ashley, to roll my eyes at something stupid and ignorant that Caitlin said; to figuring out where to go for planning during 6th and instead find my way to Ben’s classroom; to see Naomi, Sydney and a few others in 7th; to be pestered by Maddie Garber and PEER; to good ol’ 8th block study hall, where I was super frustrated they took away my coveted office slot, but that I actually looked forward to because of the great conversations that Eric, Rebecca and I would have, along with those crazy, apathetic seniors; to have an afterschool chat with Madelaine and Rohin and whoever else they brought along, where we’d talk about anything, but most Gibson and whatever quirk he had expressed today. I’d love to do all of those things again and more. I know that staying in and protecting myself will increase my chances of getting to do some of those things again, but as my stupid brain keeps telling me, “it won’t be the same and you know it”. I don’t know what the future will hold for anyone right now. More than anything that I listed before though, I just want us all to get through this illness. I don’t want myself, or anybody else to die. I want us to beat this thing. I know that we’re going to have a new normal and that things haven’t even started to get hard yet, but I just want to get back to worrying about whether I had worn too many dresses this week, or if my hair looked funny, or if I’m a terrible AP teacher. And right now that’s all I can do; hope. 

[dudence-blog]

Dear Dudence for 25 September 2017

As I read the latest advice I can’t help but remember Newdie advised a person to stay with someone cheating on on their spouse because those errands needed running.  Anyway, through the miracle of fermentation I’m off to provide possibly better answers to questions strangers don’t even known I’m answering!

My husband’s best friend, the repentant wife beater: A month ago, my husband Ben’s lifelong best friend Matt sent his estranged wife Claudia to the hospital. Despite our husbands’ closeness, Claudia and I never clicked, but I’m horrified by how badly Matt hurt her. Since we found out, Ben and I have argued about our relationship with Matt. I want nothing to do with him; Ben believes we need to support him now more than ever.

Dear Best Friend; Wife Beater, let me go ahead and suggest that a viable middle ground for the short term for you two is Ben continues to be Matt’s friend and you don’t spend any time with Matt.  Set whatever boundaries you wish to set about times and locations where Ben sees his friend (”He’s not going to come to our house Ben,” for example).  Giving your husband, with whom you have an “amazing” marriage, the benefit of the doubt something to consider is that right now he’s in a bit of grief and shock.  His best friend, someone he’s known longer than his amazing wife, just committed a shocking act of violence against his intimate partner.  Your husband is probably, internally, grappling with the idea of “Just how bad does Matt need to be for me to end this relationship?” since this is probably something he didn’t know about his friend.  You’re not “out of your mind” to consider leaving your amazing husband because of his friendship with a wife beater.  However it is incredibly controlling for you to consider an ultimatum of “End your friendship with Matt or I’m going to divorce you”.  You should give your husband some support and help him work through his emotions as he deals with the fallout of Matt’s actions on both of you.  Believe me, your husband will be far more open to your point of view on the situation if you go into it as his friend and partner than as the moral scold who is demanding he end a lifelong friendship with his best friend due to something where the consequences and any rehabilitation could have possibly begun.

Instagram insecurity: About a year ago my boyfriend mentioned to me that he thought his Instagram use was “weird.” When I asked him what he meant, he said that he uses it mostly to look at pictures of women he finds attractive. I was surprised he confided this in me and asked him to delete it, and he complied. Since then, I’ve found him using Instagram again to look at women on three separate occasions. Each time we had a huge fight and he would promise not to do it again. This time, when I once again found him on the site (after he lied about whether he used it), he apologized but said he couldn’t promise not to use it again because it was just a “thought crime.”

Dear Instagram Insecurity, your boyfriend is an idiot.  Now with that out the way let’s move on to the rest.  I’m going to assume he’s not just going to Instagram sites which are reposting the porn with which you are “fine”.  That this is more like he’s finding the IG of attractive women and kind of creeping on the more intimate parts of their lives which they share.  This is bothering you more than his porn use because it’s putting him in a more emotionally connected web.  He’s not doing it just so he can see “EggPlantTaker” do her thing, he’s doing it because he likes the way “SweetieBootieCakes” talks about her day and he is ‘shipping himself into her life.  On top of it he has lied to you, broken a promise he made, hid his actions, and is now saying it’s your fault he won’t uphold his word.  At this point you’re going to need to decide for yourself if this is an issue you’re willing to break up over.  Personally I don’t think the Instaporngram is a deal breaker per se, but his actions to lie about it repeatedly and then gaslight (I think I’m using it right) you by implying you’re the “thought police” are not a good look.  NuPru’s advice about possible compromises is good as far as it goes.

Too smart for something like that: Growing up, I’ve always been praised for how intellectual I am. I feel like this is a humble brag, but to give you an idea I read at a college reading level before middle school and was in calculus my sophomore year of high school. My grandmother, who is very overbearing, would brag to everyone about how smart I am. My parents, too, would stress the importance of keeping up so I could go to a good school and be more or less set for life. Now I’m in college in a very rigorous major, and I despise it. The work is fine, and even when I’m challenged I don’t feel overwhelmed, but being forced into this major has made me overwhelmingly apathetic to anything requiring more than basic algebra.

Dear Too Smart, here, let me help you with this; I’ve read a lot of college student writing; reading at their level in the 5th grade isn’t that impressive.  And Doogie Howser was a doctor before you were even taking calculus.  Sorry, that was petty of me.  You are burned out.  You have been going hard at a course of action you weren’t completely sold on for most of your life.  I will take a chance though and assume that, if you’re intending to make 6 figures, shifting to massage therapy is going to be costing you tens of thousands of dollars (so you’re off by at least a factor of one; not looking good for your mathing.  I kid, I kid because I love!).  I say this not to dissuade you but so you have a bit clearer idea what you’re choosing between.  While the money is important the saying “Do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” is a platitude, but a useful one.

The necklace: My boyfriend and I have been together for four years now, and we have a wonderful 2.5-year-old daughter. Last year, for Mother’s Day, he bought me a necklace with her birthstone. In the entire span of our relationship I have never worn a necklace, or really any jewelry, to the point of making the statement “I don’t like jewelry.” It’s inconvenient to take on and off every night, every morning, and when I exercise.

Dear The Necklace, I’m old so I read “4 years together and we have a 2.5 year old” and I think “why is he getting you a necklace and not a ring?” but that is none of my business (Googles insert Kermit meme into Tumblr...).  There is something going on beyond the wearing or not wearing of a necklace.  You’ve been together 4 years and have been through 3ish years of parenting.  How on Earth have you two not managed to get to this point without resolving issues of “I want a small act but my partner doesn’t, what compromise can we come to.”  This is some basic couples communication which seems to have broken down for you two in this instance.  For whatever reason your boyfriend has decided that this necklace is a physical token of his love, and your eminently reasonable sartorial choice is being viewed as you denying his love.  There is no reason this needs to break into a fight, but there is probably a fight-having issue percolating in here somewhere.  Be prepared.

Nosy neighbor: A few months ago, I moved into a new apartment. My neighbor across the hall, Jeff, has taken a large interest in me. The first week I moved in, he came by with a platter of cookies and asked me a few normal neighborly questions. Three days later, as I came home from work, he approached me and asked about my job.

Dear Nosy Neighbor, “I gotta go, have a nice day.”  When he doesn’t get the hint escalate to “I’m not going to talk about this.  Good day”  If it continues you’ll eventually reach *pointedly ignoring him as you range-walk down the hall*.  Finally a letter will be sent by the property manager about his harassing fellow tenants.  

Cat fight: For months, my 17-year-old sister has been begging for a cat. Our parents caved and she received a kitten, so long as she was the only one responsible for it. She’s been good at keeping up with the responsibility and absolutely adores the cat, but has recently fallen behind in school and got a speeding ticket. My mother is furious, and decided she wasn’t “deserving” of the cat anymore, and will be rehoming it by the end of the month.

It’s a cat, not a toy.  Whatever “war” is going to be started by “Hey mom, rather than emotionally torturing her daughter by taking away her cat, while also teaching her a valuable lesson about the transactional nature of caring, love, and relationships, why don’t I look after it until she gets back on track?” is probably one that is either worth fighting, or will be over so fast it will become a topic people google (googles “briefest war in history” and loses the next 3 hours to a trek prompted by the Anglo-Zanzibar War).  

And that is how the Legion of Honour was established.

Too empathetic?: I’m naturally a very empathetic person. However, lately I’ve been finding it to have a very negative impact on my life and quite debilitating. Seeing panhandlers on the street always makes me feel bad—but recently, after being asked for change as I was getting into my car, I ended up feeling so bad I cried the entire way home. Yesterday, reading one-star product reviews for a potential purchase sent me into a tailspin: “Someone came up with an idea for a product, and got it made, and it sucks. How horrible for them!” Little things set me off because I go through a worst-case scenario thought process, which always leads to me crying and feeling terrible for hours.

Dear Too Empathetic, in the Army we call this “Catastrophizing” and it’s part of resiliency training.  Granted, you’re thinking this about other people, but it’s close enough.  There’s probably not a whole lot of “good” thinking about someone panhandling, but for your one-star product, sure it got a bad review, and the creator probably isn’t thrilled about it, but they did actually get it made, and that it didn’t meet a customer’s expectation is something they might use to improve it.  Being exposed to someone’s bad experience ruining your day sounds a bit of an outlier, but it’s something in your mind and you can take steps to stop it.  Give some of the many techniques available online a go, but if it keeps being a debilitating problem it might be something you want to consider speaking with a real professional about.

[astarion]

I finished Fire Emblem Fates a while back, meaning Revelation and the extra plot-related DLCs.  In short, I enjoyed them a lot, though the final plot portions for Revelation do fall kinda flat by the end.  The Hidden Truths and Heirs of Fate DLC sets improve those points a little bit, and as stand-alone maps they are very challenging and fun (Hidden Truths 2 and Heirs of Fate 5 and 6 are my favorites in those sets) but one shouldn’t have to pay for extra DLC for knowledge that should’ve been in the main game (maybe should’ve had Hidden Truths just be available after beating Revelation?  Heirs of Fate was something fully new though.)

Been wanting to make a post on it for a while since I had made some earlier while going through the games, and I want to wrap it up properly.  One of the things I didn’t like seeing as I took my time playing was seeing people I follow go full-on into it, and then come out disappointed in the end.  Having finished it, I can see and agree with a lot of those points, but at the same time I still enjoyed the game very much and had a great time.  But I can’t deny that the plot and extra details that should’ve been there that makes the series so wonderful... didn’t live up to the potential its announcement had me get hype for (though overhyping was my own fault definitely).  Getting into heavy spoilers after the break, of course.

As a whole, the things I liked most about the game were the music, gameplay, and overall presentation.  The soundtrack is stellar the whole way through, and the gameplay changeup with the weapon types still held strong.  I like they way they used the weapon triangle to have tomes/bows/knives in the mix along with the usual sword/lance/axe group, and it continues to do well in Heroes, I’m finding!  And the final boss fights are exquisite.  Birthright feels lesser than Conquest and Revelation, but only because Birthright’s is so... normal compared to the other two.

Now it’s time for the bad parts.  I mentioned this in an earlier post, but Corrin and company really should’ve held off on having kids until the war ended. So many childhoods lost in time.  (The kids themselves are alright characters though.)  Also, 

Now, for real, issues with the game, starting with the plot:  As was shown all the way back when it launched, it all centered around “the choice”.  Hoshido, Nohr, or neither, as had been made apparent since game was announced.  This ends up being the first major problem.  But it’s not in the nature of the choice itself.  All three do have the major effect that sets the game into the specific paths.  Birthright and Conquest proceed logically enough: Side with Hoshido, and while the Nohrian siblings are shocked and saddened, they ultimately pull their punches because they know that they are on the wrong side, but being royalty they can’t abandon their country.  Side with Nohr, and Hoshido is legitimately outraged and hold nothing back, but seeing Corrin’s determination and actions in battle is able to convince them to take a chance on them; not that they have many options after being defeated and invaded.  Revelation... uses some contrivances to keep everyone from joining up immediately.  I mean, it would be too much to have everyone drop their arms just because Corrin pleads with them to stop because they love them all, but the brothers all get very hostile, and then there’s the whole curse things that comes up... it’s a bit of a mess but manageable.

But the choice never really lives up to its hype.  The routes are pretty similar in context, just that the kingdoms you’re fighting are mostly turned around.  And even then, there really seems to be a main order in how it should be played, just by how the escalation happens along with plot reveals: “Birthright -> Conquest -> Revelation -> DLC”.  

One of my biggest issues though, is that by the end of the game they simply don’t go far enough with the consequences of the different path splits.  The fates of Nohr and Hoshido at large are given, but other than that, nothing is really said about the losing side or the other areas of the world after the war, despite the whole conflict being a world war. For each path, none of the “every-route” characters really have anything different about them despite your route.  You’d think Mozu and Kaze would at least have some reservations about fighting for Nohr in Conquest.  Likewise, Jakob, Felicia, and Silas having to fight against their homeland in Birthright.  Only Azura seems to have different thoughts about the routes, which is expected, as she is a vitally important main character.  More annoying than that though, is that you don’t get epilogues for the characters of the other side that may have survived.

One example of this:  In Chapter 23 of Birthright, during the fight against Camilla, Elise’s retainers, Arthur and Effie, are on the field as enemy units.  If Corrin is able to bring Elise (who’s helping them and is hiding in their shadow or something) to talk to them, they join up as green units, who you can protect through the fight.  Do so, and they survive and wish Elise well (as Elise sends you away to prevent you from actually getting any of them as units.)  Elise then dies a plotline death in Chapter 26 trying to stop Xander and Corrin from fighting.  However, even though you could save them, Arthur and Effie, and any possible reaction to their liege’s death, is never seen.  And if, like me, you played Conquest first this is extremely jarring!  There’s other characters who can be fought as enemies or ignored in their final fight, but nothing comes out of sparing them.  How are we supposed to really feel the consequences of our actions if we don’t see their effects!?

Another major issue with the plot of this game is its worldbuilding.  By the end, you know very little about the world and the people who live in it, only the most basic of knowledge for any of the nations, minus any details found in supports of course.  Some of my gripes:

With the game starting as it is and how Chapter 3 goes down, you’d think that everything west of the Bottomless Canyon is Nohr, and everything to the east is Hoshido.  Nope!  Turns out that there’s many other nations which don’t really amount to much plot significance outside of their chapter.

What happens to Izumo after Izana’s death in Revelation?

The celestial event that happens in Chapters 16-17 of Revelation is pretty striking, the skies over the nations changing like that.  Why does this literally not happen in the other routes despite the game taking the same amount of time generally?

Takumi’s disappearance.  You don’t find out about it in Conquest, but apparently he was taken to the Bottomless Canyon in Birthright and Conquest so that he could be possessed and become the final boss of Conquest.  He’s also disappeared in Revelation, but apparently was just chilling in Izumo?  Despite it taking longer for the team to find him?

What doesn’t Felicia know about hers and Flora’s situation with Corrin that Flora doesn’t want to talk about?  This actually is answered, but only in a special case.  If you didn’t make a female Corrin on Conquest so that Jakob could fight her in Chapter 8, you will never know the whole truth.

Hoping for those ancient texts in the MyCastle Library to be translated after getting far enough in the game?  Nope!  It’s a cryptoquote puzzle with the last text as the cipher.  Either solve it or check the internet. (It has some spoilers though.)

In the end of Revelation, Corrin liberates the secret kingdom of Valla from Anankos’ rule and becomes its new monarch.  Is there even anyone left there that’s alive after the whole possession/Faceless mutation/curse powers that Anankos was doing?

Who was that unamed knight who visited the rainbow sage?  He’s mentioned when you visit him but it is never followed up on.

The worst though, is that the final big reveal of the game, the identity of the mastermind and why they’re trying to destroy the world?  It is the ancient Dragon God Anankos, who’s doing this do so because his primal impulses of his biology took over and made him madbecause he lived for too long.  

That’s... really weak and disappointing.  

And that’s all you learn about Anankos... in Revelation, that is.  Revelation has next to nothing about him, in no small part because he created a curse that would evaporate anyone who spoke of him or the kingdom of Valla outside of the Kingdom of Valla (even across dimensions!), and then acts like it’s humanity’s fault that they forgot him.

However, the DLC fills in some much-needed details.  From Hidden Truths, it was revealed that Anankos was able to see into the future and knew this would happen to him eventually, but loved humanity so much that he didn’t want to abandon them, so he also came up with ways to try and counter this issue.  They ended up failing, of course.  Still, I wouldn’t be surprised if those visions contributed to him raging in the first place, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Then after being abandoned and sealed up save for his closest human friend, he ends up killing him when his rage takes hold again, and ends up ripping out his soul because he couldn’t live with himself.  Now being minus a soul, of course his actions are going to be nonsensical and apathetic to anything around him.  And then Heirs of Fate shows his actual true plan in his madness after finishing the destruction of the world: go through the astral planes to find a reality where he didn’t go insane and destroy everything, so that he could get back to his beloved kingdom.  The thing his, because he’s still insane, he still sees humanity as a problem, and because his descent into insanity was inevitable, by this point there is no alternate reality where he didn’t go insane and kill/enslave everyone in Valla.  I still think the whole Biology!RAGE thing is bullshit as this wasn’t an issue for dragons in the other Fire Emblem games I’ve played, but these details do give something to his character where there was nothing before.

Back to Revelation though, the real heavy villain turns out to actually be Gunter, taking Takumi’s place from Conquest as a possessed living puppet of Anankos.  Although he’s somewhat underpowered, he has motivation, is an awesome character story-wise, (mainly if you took the chance to get his supports in Conquest and respect the guy first), and has a delicious irony of Anankos exploiting his motives for revenge against Garon, to end up serving the same monster that butchered his wife, child, and hometown. (Because from what the game tells about the real Garon, it could only have been the slime-puppet who would’ve ordered such a thing).  It sets it up pretty well... if it didn’t also spoil it by preventing you from supporting with Gunter at all on that route.  Way to spoil the Chapter 26 twist all the way back in Chapter 7/8, when hints are supposed to be dropped around Chapter 25... I guess it makes sense, since Corrin or Jakob might’ve noticed something was wrong with him if they engaged him on a more personal level, but after you release him from Anankos’ control you still can’t support with him then.

So... that’s pretty much it.  I enjoyed this game a lot but it was dragged on for way too long, and didn’t fully deliver on its premise.  I am very hopeful for Echoes though.  Having to write only 1 re-imagined story that already mostly exists instead of 3 and not having to deal with dating pool support groups hopefully means the story and writing will be a bit tighter like some of the previous games.  Plus that snippet of an in-game cutscene looked more expressive than most of Fates’, which just used default character combat actions.  Already signs of improvement I hope!

[nelrunari]

❖ AND THE DREAM CALLS: Byte.

Character Name: Byte

Real Name: Bennett Vitale, but he prefers Byte. Just Byte. Whether this was a safety measure to keep his identity secret to the general public or just a fun little jab at his own abilities has yet to be disclosed. Maybe it never will be. Either way; it’s one of the few things he’s particularly insistent about.

Pronouns: He/They/It

Age: Around 23-24 ish. He doesn’t keep track of his birthday.

His birthday is January 11. He’s a Capricorn and the rest of his natal chart is...out there.

Trigger Warnings: amputation/prosthetics, animal experimentation, government surveillance

Appearance:  In a sea of city lights that seem to blot out the sky, it doesn’t come as much surprise that Byte is fairly pale; almost sickly so. Any signs of life are seen in the regular bruise or red-tint coloring in his fingertips and bright green eyes, starkly contrasted by the dark circles that lay underneath no thanks to many restless nights. He cuts his own hair, usually in one go if he can help it, and as a result it often comes out looking choppy and uneven. He does keep good care of it though, and the dark purple coloring shines as brightly as ever. 

As far as clothing is concerned, it’s comfort over practicality--which is something he’s frequently advised to reconsider given his skillset. Most of it is in dark blacks, silver, or browns, even down to his mechanics. The only part that isn’t is a pair of neon yellow high-tops; yes, they light up. He loves them.

His left arm is fully mechanical. Previously only a job done halfway, he figured there was no harm done in replacing it entirely. For what it’s worth, it’s high-quality metal, and a good example of his own capabilities in crafting. It sometimes glows an iridescent yellow, particularly when his magic is in use.

Personality: A walking enigma; he hates the idea of socializing, but handles it easily and without much stress at all if in the position where he has to. More ambition than you could imagine a human could have paired alongside an unwillingness to pry himself from his bed in the would-be mornings. He greets the world with an optimism he doesn’t believe in and he has more than enough confidence to override any doubt or fear that snuck its way into his system. 

He wants to be more, so much more, but when faced with the hard facts of life his dreams seem to drift further and further away into the same cyberspace they were born from, the same space he can’t help sticking his fingers into to find out more. 

Despite all this, though, living in Asphodel has made him wary, and he tends to keep even those he considers “close” at a safe distance, unwilling to open his heart out to anyone. What are they going to do if they reach past every wall? It’s too much of a risk, like everything else. It just isn’t worth it. He’ll be fine; this is...not fine, but fine enough.

He just won’t think about it.

More positive traits: adventurous, alert, brilliant, confident, curious, efficient, flexible, hardworking, imaginative, loyal, observant, resourceful, self-sufficient.

More negative traits: amoral, apathetic, cocky, deceptive, greedy, impulsive, lazy, messy, paranoid, selfish, tactless.

MBTI: istp.

TEMPERAMENT: choleric.

ALIGNMENT: chaotic neutral.

Background: 

C:\system\override\access.exe

{ 

SEARCHING (access_point);

...correcting PATH.

...loading WORLD.

...correcting…

{

(access_point); FOUND.

ENTER PASSWORD ?

> █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █ █

ACCESS: GRANTED

> hey. can you hear me? is this reaching you?

…

> cool. okay. we can keep going then. don’t worry; im not up to any tricks

…

> yet :]

AN ERROR HAS OCCURRED. 

> shit

TROUBLESHOOT? 

> hold on. i can fix this.

…

> or maybe not. :\

> listen. i just really, really, need your help.

Times have changed. There are stories of things that may have once been seen, but now are lucky to be heard, passed on from one generation to the next. 

Here’s what’s commonplace: technology, and lots of it. Magic, brought back from the dead by some wannabe hero lost to time. Advertisements. So many fucking ads. There’s no blocker in existence that hasn’t already been shot down or coded over or...whatever, the point is, they’re everywhere. The ads. The all-seeing eyes. They’re inescapable.

Here’s what isn’t: trees, the sun, most plant-life in general. Getting a bouquet for Valentine’s Day is basically the same as being proposed to, nowadays. Also the wedding should be the day of or the day after, considering access to said flora shouldn’t even be possible. There hasn’t been a floristry open in years. So They probably know about it, and that lovebot’s days are numbered.

There are gardens. Conservations, really, that’s what They call them, but gardens sound much nicer. Sneaking to the edges of the city, you might be able to catch a glimpse of one. It’s not a wise idea though. You’ll probably get caught. Maybe you’ll be lucky, let off with just a warning and a slap on the wrist.

…

Probably not though.

Asphodel’s great, really, if you can ignore the lingering feeling of eyes boring into the back of your likely-jacked head. Byte’s learned to do this by never going outside. Easy. He’s rigged a good few security measures into his own personal devices, and tossed out a handful of hosts to take the blow for him if someone tried to dig a little deeper. He’s grateful for the fact he has more than enough magic to spare that this isn���t a strain at all, and it just becomes part of a daily routine.

...Oh, right, the magic. Byte has a lot of it. It’s both a boon and a bane.

He’s a technomancer, if you want to be specific, but he prefers the term tech warlock, or wizard, or something that seems just a little more fantastical. It suits his dreams more. The idea of moving past technology and magic altogether to become something stronger, someone more powerful that even the big guys up top couldn’t stop him if they tried to. 

The lights of passing trains speed by, lighting up a darkened room. The decker curses to himself as he raises from his chair and pulls the curtains closed. Maybe another day, then. He’ll try a little harder.

…

The faint glow brings back a memory, fluorescent whites and reds speeding by. It makes him dizzy, and his grip on the curtains tightens. What he remembers doesn’t make sense; he’s never been outside of Asphodel, there never were fields of green or ice-coated mountaintops--not here, never here. There hadn’t been life like that in centuries. Maybe it was a dream he had, some time ago. That’s a little more reasonable.

God, he’s exhausted.

Memento: His companion, Gig! It was a normal rabbit, at one point; then time took its toll and...he made some adjustments. Now it’s more metal than blood, and functions just about as well. To keep its cognitive function, he implanted an AI that connects directly to his magic; so he can understand it perfectly. The AI allows Gig to understand others, too, but without the same magic connection, most of what is returned comes out in the form of angry thumps. If nothing else, he’s a good traveling partner!

The antennae attached is just for show, and has no effect on Gig’s functionality.

Natural Abilities: Byte’s family line is known to have a decent grasp on technomancy, and Byte isn’t any different in this regard. It’s a natural gift, and he took to it quickly. 

CYBERNETICS. He made his enhancements himself! His left arm is fully mechanical. Extra measures were taken to ensure it could handle small to moderate amounts of water, including a period of trial and error after submerging it when it was unattached to test its resistance. It’s a pain to replace, so he often spends time making adjustments and keeping it in working order. In addition to this, he tried an experiment on himself: applying internal cybernetics to his eyes. The goal was to make it so he could simultaneously work more and sleep less, to cut out the middle man, and although it only half-way worked, he thankfully didn’t lose his vision. It appears as twin piercings above each brow, and in a line under his eye. The addition allows him to map out his present surroundings and pinpoint any “obscurities,” though this is limited to a small vicinity and has to recalculate whenever he enters into a new area, as well as seeing more clearly in low-light. On Aergia 003, he was able to access databases through it as well and manipulate the data discovered hands-free. He still needs sleep though, that sucks.

CYBERKINESIS. The ability to manipulate technology. A majority of his own abilities are hands-off, such as reconstructing broken models without ever touching the pieces. If given the time to study something new, he could probably bring it back to working order. Includes the basic function of digital/data magic and its properties.( NOTE: Requires already existing resources to work properly. )

SPELLCASTING. A basic skill for every mancer! Byte’s abilities are limited to small blasts of electricity, considering he hasn’t put much work into strengthening them. As a result, he’s also prone to shocking himself. And he has. Many times.

ELECTROKINESIS. It’s rather weak due to a lack of practice and proper use, but it’s possible to be honed. Minor applications include an electric aura--the ability to surround himself with an electric charge, leading to a nasty shock (though often this is a subconscious defense), and electric infusion. The latter allows him to imbue objects or people with electricity, though he only used it to give a few faulty electronics a “jump start.”

ENERGY RESISTANCE. While he still takes moderate damage to large bursts of energy, he’s able to withstand it a little better than someone who isn’t tied so closely to it.

Power History:  

TECHNOMAGICAL CONSTRUCTS. On Aergia 003, he could create multiple constructs at at time; usually small robots to complete day-to-day tasks he didn’t feel like doing. However, if he put in the work, he’s just as capable of creating weaponry, drones, devices, or other stronger crafts. 

IMAGINATIVE TECHNOMAGIC. While limited to small constructs, he could create any technomagical device by simply imagining it. It could’ve been stronger, but he likes having materials to experiment with, so it wasn’t as honed as it could’ve been.

HACKING. As straightforward as it sounds, given the world he’s from is almost strictly-cyber, this was an important skill to develop. And he was good at it. Mostly stole information, rather than changed it, but it hasn’t stopped him from the latter.

Extra: 

Bastard-adjacent.

Technically speaking, he doesn’t have a job; he’s never really needed one. He gets paid for the odd job here or there, but he’s never taken something on as a career.

He’s from Asphodel, a city on Aergia 003, which is a planet in the Eucleia galaxy. The city itself is a mess of skyscrapers, advertisements, and hardware, and most people tend to favor going place-to-place either by foot or speed-train. The city is oxygenated by gardens in the outskirts, kept under watch by an assortment of carefully-chosen government workers. Civilians such as Byte aren’t allowed access to them, and it’s the only place surrounding the city that has the slightest implication of sunlight.  As a result, he hasn’t really seen most plant-life. Or the sun. Or anything that isn’t a city seemingly stuck in a permanent state of “night”.

Technomagic is common in Asphodel, as it's how most people function from day-to-day. Byte just has a slightly better grasp of it than most. He will brag about this.

This stronger understanding is also why he goes by Byte, he’d prefer to stay under the radar. He isn’t big on those in power, and he doesn’t want to work for or potentially be hunted by them. He regularly deletes files he finds on his existence if he uncovers them. The worst thing is being known.

On a lighter note. Those Sour Patch-themed videos Markiplier did? Very big Byte energy.

PINTEREST BOARD: HERE.

PLAYLIST: HERE.

[paoulkaye-blog]

My Many Worries

                 Is anyone else having this problem? That there is too much to care about?

                I mean, okay, I’ll admit I have not always been the most outward looking person. I’m a creature of habit and I enjoy my little comforts and if that bubble remains undisturbed, you could probably rob my next-door neighbor and I wouldn’t bat an eye. I mean, yeah, I’d like to see justice done and that sucks that it happened, but it sucks even more for other people than me and I don’t see the point in getting all worked up about it.

                But lately, this year especially, I find myself more and more getting wrapped up in these massive things where I am that crippling combination of emotionally invested and devoid of any real agency. I am the impotent flame of the candle, raging against the storm outside my windowsill. My glow may provide some measure of comfort for those that look for me, but in reality I can do nothing to abate the fall of the rain.

                I can turn a neat phrase, though. That I can do. And I can rant with the best of them, and appeal to the better nature of my reader with the… probably top 60% of them? I don’t know. I do not have a metric to measure the general moral compass and my effect upon it. Google ought to get on that. And I ought to get back on topic.

                As I have evolved from self-interested lay-about to competent father and husband with a real stake in the world, I have developed purely as a side effect of exposure to responsibility, a nasty a pervasive condition known in the medical community as ‘opinions’. Now the severity and disabling effect of opinions are many and varied. Opinions supported by facts and life experience tend to be chronic, but you can live with them. Opinions based on outlandish claims and news cycles tend to be socially fatal and leave a certain kind of scaring that can make you a pariah in certain circles.

                But the main thing opinions are is exhausting. If you have an opinion, it seems like you have to share it with as many people as loudly as you can as often as you can. At least, that’s the example provided to me by the rest of the world at large. This takes a lot of time and effort for a former introvert who now has opinions on real life issues because, surprise surprise, that stuff actually affects me and my family. And lately, as I’m sure you have noticed, I have opinions about many, many things.

                Healthcare, honesty, politics, taxes, work ethic, children’s toys, traffic laws, guns, planes, trains, comedies, tragedies, elections, police shootings, civilian shootings, crime of all collars, international relations, those fucking pricks at UPS, gas prices, children’s shows, video games, books, television, musicals, movies, comics, news, clothing, shoes, and the list… pretty much stops there, I think (edit: Corporations as people. See below). For now. I’ll probably think of more later. But still, that is a lot of things to have and maintain an opinion about.

                And frankly, it’s too much. I have a hard time shutting my brain off in a normal rest state, let alone with that cavalcade of possible disasters on my mind. This year more than any other, I have felt artery hardening stress about things that are well and beyond my control or ability to influence. I know what’s to blame, that’s simple enough. But there will always be that apathetic man in his bubble of comforts inside of me that wonders if it’s even worth it to give a damn in the first place.    

                Even worse, I’m not the only person with this problem. And since corporations are people for some stupid fucking reason that has never been adequately explained to me… and let me go back and add that to the list… it turns out that news organizations have the same problem. Between the Russia hacks, the Investigation into the Russia Hacks, the investigation into the possible collusion between Russian agents and American idiots, the Republican Healthcare bill, the lack of vital government positions being filled, the general demeanor and mood of the President on any given day, the terror attacks across the globe, the horrors and hardship facing the refugees from Syria, the divorce of Britain from the EU, the leaks, the lies, the scandals, and Beyoncé’s new twins, news media coverage doesn’t seem to know what to do with itself.

                All this to say nothing of the opinions the various channels are afflicted with. CNN is convinced that all of the news, everywhere, is breaking. They may not be far off in hyperbole, but still, CNN is exhausting to watch. MSNBC pretty much picks a topic to care about every morning and beats it into the ground, and lately their topic of choice has been the obvious disconnect between Trump and reality. Don’t get me wrong, that is news and something worth discussing, by the others things happening in the world as a result of that disconnect? Those deserve some attention as well. And spending some time on those issues might go some way to helping MSNBC appear like something other than the leftist conspiracy network its detractors are so convinced it is.

                And FOX… good lord. The loudest and proudest voice of the right wing of the political spectrum actually used to be okay. I mean, it was a counterbalance, of sorts. I could always flip to FOX really quick to get the right wing view on the events of the day and sort of temper my view of the world by trying to understand how the other side was interpreting events. But lately? Boy, if corporations are people, FOX needs to go into rehab. Sexual misconduct and getting way too high on Presidential edicts and pyrrhic Republican ‘victories’ while ignoring the raging fires that are almost literally burning the network down around their heads are all signs of a broadcasting network too far gone on the media equivalent of free-based heroine. With even more paranoia somehow added to the mix.

                FOX stopped being an opposing viewpoint and went straight into propaganda machine territory sometime during the Obama administration. And then they were de-facto promoted to chief spinners of presidential bullshit when Trump moved into the White House and made FOX and Friends a known part of his morning routine. During no other era in American history would such hypocrisy and sycophantic waffling be even remotely acceptable in a national news network. But hey, that’s the times we live in, apparently.

                But in the end, all of this is only a collection of symptoms of the real problem: The life I lead, with a wife and two kids, two cars, two jobs, school starting soon, and bills to pay, is not an isolated animal. It’s tied up in all of these strings that moor these unfathomably gigantic issues and surreal conversations to the grounds of reality. There’s too much, too many things to worry about. And I DO worry, and it’s going to kill me at this rate. Issues don’t come in a ‘This or That’ state anymore. It used to be if you had a job, you knew you could pay your bills and your rent and still eat things that were not Ramen noodles until the next paycheck. Now? Not so fucking much.

                We’re not secure like that anymore. There is no state someone like me can get to that will ever completely eliminate any of these worries for me. It just isn’t possible in this day and age. I know too much, I pay attention to too many things, and in the end I worry, even just subconsciously, about too many things that night time is often an exercise in staring at the ceiling until the alarm clock goes off.

                What I think I need to do, and maybe you might want to try this as well, is to figure out the things that deserve, really need my attention, and just focus on that. Wife, kids, work, bills. Those parts of my life and their related worries and joys should be my focus.  But that’s hard.

                I won’t give a damn about CNN, MSNBC, and FOX anymore, but I’ll still hope they get their collective act together. I wish I didn’t have to be worried for the environment of the planet we all live on, but hey, guess what, someone has to. I’ll happily cut out politics if politicians would just cut it the fuck out themselves and stop playing games with legislation that could feasibly deal real, lasting harm to the people they are supposed to be listening to and being the voice of. I’ll even stop getting rationally angry every time I see the words ‘President Trump’ or his big fat orange stupid face if the man would just shut the flying fuck up and be a responsible adult.

                And there’s the really bad problem: I’m worried about a lot of things, and the people who can and should actually be worried about those same things are not doing a whole lot to help put my worries to rest. And I know I’m not alone in feeling like that. I shouldn’t have to pray to higher power, asking for help in getting these jackasses to pull their heads out of their self-congratulatory asses and do their jobs, but I find myself doing it more and more lately.

                I don’t want to be my old self, ignoring the world and thinking only about myself. But it shouldn’t be so goddamn stressful to want the best for my fellow man either. I’ve said it before in this space, but it’s true: We are ALL in this TOGETHER. And I know I’m not the only person suffering with the opinion that it’s time some people in some high profile positions started picking up their fucking slack. Thanks for reading.

[96thdayofrage]

The 2016 Election: Why Voters Didn’t Vote

On the day after Donald Trump’s victory, CNN proclaimed that Hillary Clinton had lost the race because “African-American, Latino and younger voters failed to show up at the polls in sufficient numbers.” It was just one of the first instances of an idea that became central to media commentators’ effort to explain Clinton’s spectacular defeat, despite news networks’ collusion with DNC officials & spending twice as much as her opponent. November 9th ( the same day ), the Washington Post published their own version of the CNN article, with the subtly accusatory title, “Hillary Clinton’s Campaign Was Crippled by Voters Who Stayed Home.” A quick look at the data will show anyone that turnout was low, of course — that’s a fact — but is it true that African-American, Latinx, & young voters “crippled” Clinton’s campaign by “failing to show up at the polls?” Or could it have been the other way around — could Clinton have crippled the voters’ turnout?

Democrats probably lost because of low turnout among their usual voters — but, to put that in perspective, the loser of every election loses because fewer of their voters showed up than they’d hoped. That’s how elections work and, since many things can affect voters’ behavior & turnout, a candidate’s basic job is to figure out how to get their likely voters to the polls. Instead of blaming their voters for lower turnout, liberals ought to be asking “why didn’t our likely voters — particularly young people, working people, & people of color — show up?

That’s a bit of a trick question, though. While the democrats’ campaign strategy clearly didn’t do much to inspire voters, what most articles have ignored is the fact that voter turnout was already declining long before November 8th, 2016.

The truth is no one should be shocked about less young voters turning out — in fact, in the US, the participation of young voters has been falling since the 1960s. There are a few exceptions — in 2008, for instance, voters aged 18-24 spiked to 44% — but, generally speaking, it’s been a downward slope from about 51% in 1964 to 38% in 2012. Between ’92 and ’04, turnout languished at 32% — that’s less than 1/3 of the youngest age group! These figures, by the way, are only for presidential elections — during the midterms, it’s become normal to see less than 1/5th of young folks at the voting booths. For comparison, overall turnout has also declined but at a much slower rate — in fact, during the same time period, the overall turnout has stayed within the 50-60% range.

As an age-group, young voters have historically favored democrats and, while boomers have voted to the right, it is well-known that recent generations have tended toward the left — particularly millennials. How, then, were media analysts still surprised that somehow Clinton didn’t defy the overall trend, seizing the presidency on the wings of young voters, in spite of the DNC snubbing them during the primaries?

Other groups that democrats apparently felt entitled to were Black & Latinx voters. While turnout among Blacks continues its long trend of growth, turnout among Latinx voters has increased at slower rates, compared to other demographics. Despite that fact, Clinton seemed to be relying on what some called the “Trump Effect,” which liberal pundits thought would drastically increase turnout among people of color — obviously, this either didn’t happen or, at least, it didn’t happen as dramatically as they’d hoped.

But why? Did Black & Latinx voters who “stayed home,” as the Post puts it, really “cripple” a campaign that would have been perfectly fine? Was voter apathy really the reason that 2016’s turnout was lower overall than previous presidential elections?

Or perhaps it’s the democrats’ fault for abandoning their voters?

Instead of staring blankly as the US hemorrhages what’s left of its voter turnout, helplessly wondering why young folk & people of color are so damned “apathetic,” maybe we should admit this is a chronic condition of our so-called democracy and — since this was the trend before many of us were born — understand that it is very likely a problem, not with the voters, but with the system itself.

Now, what might make eligible voters — particularly, young, Black, & Latinx voters — disinterested in participating in the democratic process? The obvious reason would be the same reason that any group would feel disinterested — the process doesn’t offer them anything meaningful enough to motivate them.  So — what might be meaningful enough to motivate young, Black, & Latinx voters to participate?

It’s not exactly a secret that — in the United States, at least — millennials at-large & non-white demographics both tend to fall quite a bit to the left of center. How left, you ask? Polling shows that majorities of both Black & Latinx say that the US “should help more needy people even if it means going deeper in debt,” while only 1/3 of whites say the same. Black & Latinx respondents were also more likely than whites to favor expanding public access to healthcare & raising the minimum wage — they’re more likely to say we should take a softer approach to immigration, less likely to want to increase military spending, & more likely to list unemployment & poverty as the most important political issues.

Like Black & Latinx voters, polling shows millennials landing consistently to the left of previous generations, which explains how Senator Bernie Sanders attracted more young voters than Clinton & Trump — combined. Among voters under 30, one poll showed that more had a favorable view of socialism than had a favorable view of capitalism, while other surveys show economic issues, such as unemployment & income inequality, are seen as important by today’s young people.

Democrats pretty much abandoned the leftist ideas of Roosevelt’s New Deal in 1968, when they told young leftist, anti-war, & civil rights activists to get stuffed & lost to Nixon by shifting to the center. Turnout — nationally & among young people — has been decreasing ever since. The neoliberal policies of the “new democrats” don’t feel like a meaningful alternative to the republican strain of more-or-less authoritarian capitalism — or, at least, it isn’t meaningful enough to mobilize the unemployed, indebted young people, people of color, & others who are exploited by it.

Whether the United States’ authoritarian capitalism is a bit more or less capitalist or authoritarian is simply not a very meaningful choice for those who are anti-authoritarian, anti-capitalist, or both.

Think of it this way — imagine that you’re a vegetarian and you’re a part of some kind of democratic organization, where you go to meetings & eat snacks. Now, say they’re holding a vote about what to keep stocked in the community-fridge — but, because of the way this organization is set up, the two options are going to be some kind of meat or fish. As a vegetarian, would you be excited to vote? Of course not! Even if you had an opinion on the differences between the cruelty of slaughterhouses versus fishing, you still wouldn’t feel super pumped about the whole thing, would you? It’s not that you don’t care what you eat — the opposite is true, in fact. The issue is that, unless you compromise your basic principles about eating, neither option is particularly compelling.

Now, replace “vegetarian” with “millions of US voters” & “meat & fish” with “republicans & democrats” — that is why no one comes to the United States’ crappy meetings, anymore. The 2 parties we get to choose from & their often suspiciously similar policies (which are actively failing us) just aren’t that attractive to a lot of us.

Now that we’ve gathered some perspective by looking at the historical trends, polling data, & the expanding spectrum of political ideas, I’d like to bring us back to the question that the article began with — whether fewer people voting is the fault of the people or the fault of the system. CNN & the Washington Post can, of course, blame whatever & whoever they’d like for their failure to predict the elections’ results — it helps them sleep. Nonetheless, I must ask — is it fair to hold young voters & people of color responsible for being subjected to trends that started before they were born? And is it rational to expect them to defy statistics?

Those who want to actually fix the situation must stop blaming groups that have not typically had the power to fix the problem — people of color & young people, for example — and begin directing their stares at those parties & officials who use their power to maintain it. Now, I’m not a “political analyst” or anything — but I suspect that, if people were able to choose between policies they actually believed could improve their lives & communities, the voting booths would become a pretty popular place to be…

In solidarity, John Laurits