#I can’t get rid of my mental disorders

[animatedtext]

[nayatarot777]

Lilith in Taurus/2nd House

this is intuitive astrology. meaning that i’m making these notes based on what i intuitively pick up about this astrological point being merged with these signs. take it with a grain of salt and understand that you might not relate to everything that i get from your placement 🖤

Astrology Masterlist

taurus is all about the physical realm, as it’s an earth sign. taurus energy is related to your physical senses, your physical appearance in terms of aesthetics, food, personal income + money - security, basically. everything that you need on a basic level to feel secure and comfortable as a person.

therefore, the experience of having lilith in taurus is one that includes people shaming you for wanting to feel comfortable and secure. people shaming your aesthetic, shaming you for wanting to look good, for wanting to make money, for wanting to enjoy the literal basic luxuries of life - even down to the food that you eat.

people made you feel ashamed for wanting to savour things - like the meals that you had. this placement will have people not liking when you seem comfortable and content. it’s hater energy to the fullest degree, coming from people who feel like they can’t relax and enjoy the simple joys of life themselves. so why should you, right?🙄

^ you ever had a parent (or anyone else for that matter) not enjoy you sleeping, eating, lounging around, and relaxing? no matter how much you may have worked hard for that entire week or month or few months even - as soon as they see you relaxing, it’s a problem. this is why. your lilith energy is a reflection of what they feel like they don’t have for themselves. they don’t have peace so they try to disturb yours.

your peace triggers people fr. when people can tell that you’re content in a situation or with life in general, they’ll bring some bs your way to disrupt that. of course these are usually people who are always in chaotic situations or who are just chaotic people mentally + emotionally themselves. they get jealous of you being the opposite (or at least seeming that way).

lilith in taurus/2nd house can also bring shame around food. it always reminds me of secret eating habits. i have lilith in taurus and i don’t like to eat in front of people. and this is all due to the fact that my father (i call him my sperm donor 🙃) would try to make me feel like i’m being greedy when i ate anything that i enjoyed. even if it was a regular portion of something. mind you, he’d get the munchies and eat everything in the house - even food that i bought myself for me or my little sister or brother. you see how no matter what lilith placement you have, people project what they know about themselves onto you, related to the energy of that sign or house?

lilith in taurus can definitely indicate eating disorders. a cycle between not eating anywhere near enough (basically starving yourself) to eating too much in one go - also known as binge eating.

you were also shamed for wanting things. maybe even accused of being ‘spoiled’. and you’re looking at these people who accuse you of that like “spoiled where? 🤨”. it’s because these toxic ass people didn’t want us to have the basic necessities of life. especially if you have toxic parents. you needing the basics is needing “too much” for these people. this may be why you feel like you can’t ever really truly enjoy what you have now. because there’s a subconscious belief that you “shouldn’t” have whatever you have. or that you don’t deserve it or some bs like that.

^ this can definitely pertain to money too. you may want money but when you get it, you blow it all too quickly on things that you’re not entirely happy with buying. it’s because you don’t know how to handle having money and feeling like you deserve that money. so you get rid of it as quickly as possible. remember what i said about being shamed for holding onto things that you enjoyed? for savouring the fact that you have something? now you feel like you can’t even enjoy what you have, so you cycle and blow through possessions and spending money. because you don’t feel right just enjoying the feeling of having it because of this shame.

people view you as someone who already has “too much” - even if you don’t have enough. they view you as someone who has ‘too much’ money, ‘too much’ beauty (as taurus is ruled by the planet venus), ‘too much’ peace, ‘too much’ stability. ‘too much’ power with your money, beauty, and your voice.

^ a lot of people with lilith in taurus/2nd house have really nice voices. you may experience people mistaking your regular tone or your friendly tone as a flirty or seductive tone. shit’s annoying.

taurus also rules your physical body. people will be jealous of this. doesn’t matter if you don’t fit into the standard of beauty when it comes to your body type. your body is attractive no matter what size, what shape, etc. if you’re a woman especially, you may have noticed how other women’s energy switches up when you wear something that shows your shape or your body more visibly. bitches be HATING. your body, your face, your aesthetic, your voice, your hair - everything to do with your appearance is a force to be reckoned with. which leads me to my next point:

people don’t like when we make ourselves look good. this placement always gives me the energy of people accusing us of “doing too much” when we wear makeup, or when we wear certain outfits. just when we dress up. because, again, we’re already perceived as people who have “too much” beauty. if you ever meet anyone like that, then FUCK THEM. they’re wanting to shame you just because they feel like they could never reach your level of beauty, and you’re making it harder for them to compete in their imaginary competition with you (unbeknownst to you) by making yourself more beautiful??? girl…👀

men who are intimidated by your beauty will also try to say slick shit about your clothes, your hair, or something about your physical appearance. you know when insecure men feel like you’re out of their league, so they have to try to “humble” you by negging you or some shit? they assume that you’re used to people treating you like you’re the prettiest/most attractive person in the room, so they have to be the one person who tries to bring you down because they’ve ASSUMED that you usually get put up on a pedestal. a pedestal that makes you unreachable to them.

^ you’ll probably experience this from women too who are in competition with you, but when it comes from men, it’s because they’re attracted to you but they feel like you wouldn’t be attracted to them. it’s coming from that perceived rejection that insecure men can never handle correctly 😂

your ability to dress in the way that you wanted to and to have the aesthetic that you wanted was also suppressed. that may be why you’re never happy with the clothes that you have. because they don’t actually resonate with you.

lilith in this sign/house denotes a very dark aesthetic, or one that just rebels against the ‘normal’ way of dressing and doing your makeup (or lack thereof) or your hair. so when you don’t embrace that, you’re going to have an issue with the way that you look. a dissatisfaction more than anything.

^ anybody else experience being treated like you were the biggest ‘slut’ for even showing a tiny bit of skin? you could wear a crop top and people will look at you like you stepped out of the house butt naked.

lilith in taurus or the 2nd house always reminds me of sex workers too. people who use their sexuality to gain personal income. or people who use a sexual aesthetic to make money. think of certain types of instagram models, dominatrix work (especially financial dominatrixes), strippers, etc. i feel like lilith in scorpio/8th house is more of an indication of sex work that involves actually having sex with clients for money (like prostitution). whereas lilith in taurus/2nd house is moreso using the aesthetics and image of being sexual to make money. i hope that makes sense 😂

[stemms]

It’s absolutely baffling to me that some people romanticise BPD, genuinely want to have it, and even fake it. It’s not some cute yandere-like obsessive disorder, it’s known as one of the most painful disorders For A Reason.

It makes you despise your fp who makes your life worth living every time you split, it gives you hallucinations, it makes you question your identity to the point of practically Forgetting who you truly are, it makes you utterly depressed, the reason why you have it in the first place is because you’ve been subjected to severe child abuse, it makes it incredibly easy to trigger you, it forces you to become jealous and possessive of your fp to an unhealthy extent (which also makes you feel extremely guilty as a bonus), whenever you split, it makes you want to genuinely end your life because even the smallest inconvenience feels like a Tragedy™, it gives you mood swings, it makes it practically impossible for people to handle you, it causes you to indulge into dangerous behaviour, it makes you have zero self-worth, which isn’t a good mix with suicidal thoughts, and finally, many people would think that you’re dangerous and abusive just because you’re mentally ill, so you’ll probably have to keep your BPD a secret.

This isn’t your manic pixie dream girl disorder and there’s nothing quirky, fun, or aesthetic about it. If I could get rid of my BPD, I would have done so a long time ago, but it’s untreatable. I have to accept the idea that some people would abandon me just because I’m high-maintenance and simply Too Much, I’ll always feel like I’m a burden for asking people to respect my boundaries, most people will see me as a monster because the society can’t be Normal about the Cluster B disorders, I’ll always have to deal with severe mood swings, jealousy, and the devaluation cycle, as well as the guilt following after, and so much more…

[laxatives4eva]

I feel like I don’t deserve to even think in my head that I have an ed.

Like no I don’t I literally eat so much compared to other anas and when I purge I don’t always get every last bite out so there’s no way I have an ed.

Like yes I know it’s a mental thing but I can’t help but feel like I am making all of this up in my head as a coping mechanism. It has gotten in the way of so much and taken more than it has given back.

I physically can’t feel full without getting rid of it.

I spit food ppl give me.

I overestimate every calorie thinking about when I will burn it.

But I still tell myself I don’t have a problem. I don’t have dysphoria. My outlook on my weight is not disordered.

When will it be bad enough that I feel like I actually deserve. Deserve peace. Deserve recovery. Deserve to be comfortable with myself.

Hope someone can relate.

[victhesmallestclown]

@3therian is a rapist , pls read

DO NOT INTERACT WITH HIM. BLOCK AND REPORT HIM , PLS STAY SAFE

3therian is a rapist, a pro-contact zoophile , a racist , and fakes disorders. Do not interact with him. He is dangerously mentally ill and isn’t trying to get help.

He has raped animals, dead and alive.

Screenshots here.

Translation: “Yeah it was a fresh dead deer I found in the woods it was so good , then I tried to do it with a beta but I could only rub it on my boydick”

As you can see, 3therian has raped a deer and his pet betta fish. if you don’t see something wrong with this, gtfo. This is the fish

More evidence

TRANSLATION: “I didn’t try, I did . Felt good and I don’t regret it “

As you can see here, they’re an ableist aswell.

More evidence of supporting rape, AGAINST HUMANS.

Images they posted of his boyfriend exposing him, there is a lot of evidence here please read it

Stolen art. ONE PINTEREST IMAGE SEARCH AND I FOUND THE SAME THING POSTED BY THE ORIGINAL ARTIST.

These are Messages they sent me translation : “im jerking off to your cuts rn, I wish I had a pic of your face send me one bby” “no, speaking v slitting, how that wrist doing?”

Doggy kids blog is a bait account. Don’t go harassing them. I’m sorry doggy but you can’t say support this person, even if it’s for bait.

Everytime you send him asks he rapes his fish again. DONT INTERACT WITH HIM . Proof. Stop sending him asks

BLOCK 3THERIAN

Most therian aren’t like this pls believe me we are trying to get rid of this awful stereotype

[jihyoruri]

okay I NEED to talk abt this bc richgirlyn is literally me FORREAL 

so uhh not the analysis I thought I’d be doing but I need to. the other one will be later 

ok tw for eds I guess like this is the entire analysis 

disclaimer. this is all my interpretation as well as my experience. I’ve had an issues w eating since 8 (almost twins!) and it’s been literal years. this is just what I think based on what I’VE seen and done as a girl. I know men can have ed’s but I will be talking abt it from my standpoint, which is hashtag girl. everyone’s experience is different.

key: ana=anorexia, ed=eating disorder 

Ive never dealt with real bulimia so take whatever I say with a grain of salt

okay. here’s why richgirlyn having an ed, specifically how she develops ana as she gets older makes a lot of sense (Ive had a fixation on eds and the way they affect the mind for so long..)

i feel like people forget just how genuinely maddening have an eating disorder is.

most of the time in movies they’re there for laughs and portrayed as “oh she just kinda throws up!”  (heathers, the musical) or “oh she wants to be skinny so bad she js doesn’t eat!” (mean girls) (I love both of them btw they’re just what come to mind)

like that is not what they are like AT ALL

eating disorders are some of the most deadly mental illness there is and because it mostly affects teenage girls and women people literally treat it like something not that serious or a joke it’s actually insane how people do not gaf about it

so anyway.

I feel like if children have issues with food they always start out thinking of purging

it makes sense! if you don’t want calories, just get rid of them.

obviously, it doesn’t work that way, and purging doesn’t even actually work well LMAO most of the calories are absorbed unless u throw up like the second food enters ur mouth like it is not foolproof at all.

but to a child it makes sense. the food is gone so you can’t gain weight

and when you’re a kid your gag reflex is way more sensitive so it’s way easier to vomit. when you get older it’s so much harder

bulimia is not really possible long term for idols because of its side effects which are:

erosion of tooth enamel making them appear clear other than white

sunken in, bulging eyes

swollen cheeks

hair loss 

GERD

also for the fact it doesn’t really help much with not absorbing the calories + the fact that it affects the appearance, which idols need to be perfect, + the fact that it affects your voice, which idols need, and also throwing up is difficult 

much more common in idols is anorexia.

so! actually the side effects of ana aren’t as noticeable if you’re not restricting a lot! at about 700-800 calories max a day I didn’t experience hair loss or getting spots on my skin

It was mostly that I was just tired all the time and kind of irritable. i never experienced any physical effects other than losing weight (didn’t lose much muscle bc most of the cals were protein and I worked out everyday)

anyway

richgirlyn definitely likes control.

we can see how control has been taken from her time and time again— mostly by her dad, making all the decisions while she doesn’t get a say, and later, how her members and the people around her treat her.

eds are about control more than looks. It’s the one safety net, the one thing you can always be good at.

when everything around you is falling apart— you can control what you eat. it’s like an accomplishment. look how low I got the number! I’m so good at this! I’m so disciplined!

It’s like. “no one could ever get as low as me”. It makes you weirdly competitive 

and obviously there’s pressure to be skinny as a trainee. It’s what half of your self worth is based on. so if you can control that? and punish yourself (because as we’ve discussed richgirlyn does NAWT like herself that much) while you’re at it? It’s literally gold

she practices and practices, trying to be good enough, the best, and she doesn’t want to eat. eating is kind of like admitting defeat and saying you’re weak and giving in to the need to have food. 

oh and y’all don’t KNOW what mommy issues do with an ed like.

if losing weight makes someone PROUD? oh you KNOW you’re dropping to size 0 trust like it’s actually insane. I can’t even explain the real insanity that comes with an ed it makes you actually crazy. you start becoming afraid of certain numbers because they look bigger even if it’s not how it works. ex: it’s better to eat 98 cal than 50 because 98 feels “smaller” like it’s CRAZY. the state of mind you have when you’re doing that is really seriously not normal like I know it’s obvious but people don’t GET IT. you become very obsessive and cagey over it like if you eat over a certain limit you will literally either break down or get up and go work out until you think you’re back under and the guilt eats you up inside. richgirlyn is SAUR MEEEE FOR REAL

so ANYWAY richgirlyn having an ed makes sense. specifically ana.

she likes control, she wants something to feel proud about (along with her singing and dancing and rapping abilities), it’s something her mom’s PRAISED HER FOR so you already KNOW when her mom is like “wowww you’ve lost weight!” she is like I’m gonna get so much worse.

and also there has to be a part of her that wants someone to worry. i know she hates being seen as weak but I just know minjeong saying smth like “oh I wondered how u stay thin it’s cause u js don’t eat” made her feel so validated because it’s proof that she’s sick and she’s not okay and she’s not making it up.

I’m very sure her being well off has completely fucked with the idea of her being “allowed” to feel negative emotions. like “I’m rich, I shouldn’t be sad” but with any negative emotion.

and I know she was getting better until she got put in le sserafim I just KNOW especially CURRENTLY?

the stress of her members disliking her makes her feel worse abt her self making her want more control and also there’s this very fucked up part of it where it’s like. the less I eat and the less space I take up the more they’ll like me, they won’t hurt me if they think I’m sick and fragile and GODDD that’s so her. she wants to be strong so bad but sometimes.

anyway it’s 1 am this isn’t a great analysis maybe I’ll circle back to this but I needed to talk about it

I love richgirlyn she’s witerwally me 

-🎏

It’s crazy that everything you just said is so correct like completely correct when it comes to richgirl!yn’s problems.

and because this has been going on since she was ten it’s just a normal routine for her all that girl does is try her best to become better, and because she knows that her image is something that her mother actually pays attention about her, so it’s rlly important to her.

even now that she’s an idol she doesn’t talk to her mom but there’s times when her mom will call her and be like “you look a little different.” and then she’s completely back in that cycle

[cylidae]

Howdy. So I’ve noticed a ton of anti-recovery take surrounding the DID community - specifically fakeclaimers, so let’s talk about it. Sit down, get comfy, I promise this will only take… a while.

1. If you love having DID, you’re faking it.

I understand where this mentality comes from. It’s a mental illness, so it makes sense to assume everybody would want to get rid of it. Don’t get me wrong - if your DID comes with no problems for you, you don’t have it. It is a dehabilitating condition by nature. But let’s look at it this way.

You are stuck with this mental illness. You can take therapy to improve it, but you can never “cure” it (at least as far as we know now.) So why are we so opposed to people finding bits of happiness where they can? If this is inescapable, why can’t people find bits they enjoy?

No, it’s not good to romanticize it. That’s not what I’m saying. If you are pretending it is 100% ok, you’re making it harder for other people to get help by pretending it’s “fun.” But if you love your headmates, the community DID brings you, the different way of thinking you have? That’s a good thing! You’re learning to cope. Don’t bash people for that.

2. If you’re open about your DID, you’re faking it.

I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate this one. It set my recovery so far back. The internet made me believe that seeking out help was something people with DID never did. It trained me to see telling people as proof I’m faking. This just isn’t true.

DID is a disorder made to hide itself, yes, but not from others. From the person who has it. I’ve seen people say that DID inherently comes with shame for having it, but this isn’t part of the diagnostic criteria. We haven’t done enough research to really be able to tell if it’s the stigmatization or disorder itself that comes with shame.

But you know what really doesn’t help? Shaming people for asking for help. As if finding a place you feel safe enough to share means that you’re faking it.

3. If you use certain terms, you’re faking it.

This is completely untrue. Plural spaces use different terms. Using “split” and “headmate” doesn’t mean you’re faking. It means that you are engaged within plural communities, and therefore picked up their lingo. That’s literally it. Internet terms all start somewhere. You pick up terms from who you’re around. People seek out people similar to them. People similar to them use these terms. That’s literally it.

4. If you have fictives, you’re faking it.

Most people seem to believe fictives are a thing to some extent, but they’re ridiculously picky with how you have them. Too many? Faking. From a media they don’t like? Faking. Present in a “cringe” way? Faking. Seeking out things about the media they come from or people who share the same source media? Faking. From something that came out recently? Faking. I’ll just make a mini list within the list for these.

-There is no evidence that there is an upper limit to how many fictives a person can have or that they’re any rarer than brainmade alters. Anybody who says this is pulling it out of their ass.

-“Cringe” sources are one of my least favorite mentalities. People are constantly like “well I believe in fictives but really? Dream SMP?” If it’s too popular, you’re trendhopping. Too niche and it’s “Now they’re going for X?!?” There is no winning. They say they believe in fictives, but you have to be the most insanely specific fictive possible to be real in their eyes.

-I’ve seen a lot of people get pissy over cringe presentation. A lot of this is very transphobic. Such as a character from something who is a man, but is transfem within the system (happens way more with transfem alters, not sure why) or using unconventional pronouns. Being “cringy” does not mean you’re faking. And this should go without saying, but for the love of fucking god, being trans is not cringy.

-People often get a lot of flack for seeking sourcemates or engaging with their source. People call it roleplaying. It’s only a connection to your past though. It’s like wanting to see a childhood friend or watching old home video tapes. Anybody who says that alters aren’t actually connected to their sources is,again, pulling it out of their ass.

-I see a lot of “this jsut came out! How can they have an alter already?” Studies on how long it takes please? I’ve only had one split that ever took longer than a week. I feel like a broken record, but again, anybody who claims that there’s an amount of time to develop alters is pulling it out of their ass.

Shut the fuck up about fictives already. These people clearly think they’re invalid, but claim “they’re real, but not in literally every situation imaginable where they could exist.”

5. If you have healthy system communication/are functional, you’re faking it.

Untrue. Some systems just naturally have less barriers than others and some spend years breaking them down. Perpetuating the notion that recovering and learning to be more functional is “faking” is so insanely harmful. It tells people that they can’t make progress or be open about said progress, because making improvements to the way they live is faking a disorder.

6. If you’re X age, you’re faking.

I see a lot of “you’re a teenager! You can’t have DID!” Yes, you can. It develops in very early childhood (eight years old maximum. Teenagers rarely get diagnosed, true, but it’s possible to have the disorder has a teen. Everybody with the disorder did have it as a teen.

And before you say “Well you’ll never know you have it unless you’re diagnosed-“ give me proof. With every other disorder I have seen people be correct in their self speculation. Why is it so different for DID? Obviously without a formal diagnosis, you have no right to speak for the community or say you 100% have it, but self speculation doesn’t inherently mean you’re faking.

I also see “you’re this old and still faking?” So I ask, if being young means you’re faking and being old means you’re faking, what age am I allowed to just exist?

I need everybody to collectively shut up about all this bullshit. Sources or bust. And don’t say the excuse of “well it’s under-researched so we don’t have good sources yet-“ then don’t make fucking claims. You don’t know these people. Stop accusing them of faking. It’s very tiring.

[kkkkkkkked]

ranting

lately I ve been really confused about my feelings. I mean I definitely feel myself better rn than I used to and this is actually terrifying if it makes sense. Ive never lived a day without ana in my head, it’s almost like i got used to being sick, being a little bit different from my homies. n now when I feel much better I am so afraid of changing, I don’t even know why?!? it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. it was easier before, I was just a teenage girl with some “girl problems” (all that romanticised shit), but now I am an adult…. I should graduate from uni, get relationship and start working, I can’t say that i am just a kid anymore… I am utterly horrified of the future, but I know it’s going to be great and I know that I can make it even better if only I will accept the change. I guess it’s finally a time to take a responsibility for my life and stop being afraid of everything! I know that I can’t just get rid of my fucked up mentality, but at least now I finally feel like I can fight it. something is changing, I don’t know if it will make me happier, but I know that I don’t want to spend my best years struggling with my disorders! I am still not okay, I am still starving myself, I am still under control of my unhealthy habits, but one day I wont.

I think my fear of changing is like a real example of my disorder disordering.

omg guys I wrote it and immediately thought “I should get worse”

fighting guys…. fighting

[aita-irl]

AITA For Distancing Myself From Someone Without A Filter?

So I used to be friends with someone who I’ll call Alex. I’ve known Alex for six years and they haven’t always been the nicest. First year, they said I beat up a second grader (I didn’t tell him to bang his head against the fire hydrant, how was that my fault).

Second year, they mocked me and discouraged their sibling from hanging out with me (also occurred first year).

Third year they calmed down so I became friends with them after my first ever friend moved away.

Fourth year they were consistently rude to everyone and bullied a kid with a mental disability and everyone was like “why do you hang out with Alex? They’re horrible” and the popular girls we re saying this, too, that’s how bad it was. Same in fourth and fifth year.

Fifth year was when I snapped. Alex got way worse. They told our Indian friends that their food stank and spread rumors about everyone. When I scolded them for it, they claimed “oh, it’s my ADHD, I can’t help it, the medicine makes me moody, I have no filter, etc.” I felt bad hearing this, so I stopped complaining. Then it became their excuse for everything. They made comments about our other friends’ food and religions. They had to be the absolute center of everything. I got stuck with Alex for most projects, and anything involving pictures or a video, it had to be them. They threw fits if it wasn’t.

During lunch one day, Alex sighed and was like “it’s so annoying repeating myself for you”, and I just got up and left the table. The reason why I was so offended is because I have a very minor hearing disorder. I don’t need any equipment or anything, but I need to be in the front half of the classroom or ask people to repeat themselves. I’ve always felt bad about asking people to repeat themselves more than once, so the comment struck home. I thought that given their excuse with their ADHD, they would be understanding of someone else’s disability, but apparently not.

The thing is, our table had thirteen of us on it. When I left, five came with me, and six went to a different table. We were all that fed up with Alex. Then they sent me texts and sent people after me calling me “a fake friend” and “not respecting that they can’t help what they say”. At one point, when they wouldn’t leave me alone, I told her that no disability gave anyone any reason to be mean to others. I mean, plenty of people with much more serious disabilities than theirs at least apologize when they upset someone.

So AITA for ditching someone who can’t keep their mouth shut?

Also: they’re sitting at my table again and I don’t know how to get rid of them. . . Oh well

[dragonmistressivy]

I hate how one of the only things i want to do on this tour is will be too exhausted to go see. It being the colosseum. We are seeing the Vatican in the morning then exploring rome and then see the colosseum in the afternoon. My legs are still in pain for yesterday and will be in more pain tomorrow. Also people kept deadnaming and misgendering me today so much. Also at dinner(they actually had something i would eat) two girls were talking about home and one was sad about not seeing her boyfriend and her family. Somehow the topic of walking in on someone having sex at school came up in their conversation. It is was uncomfortable. Also why can’t i have a bf or a gf. Also they were both so pretty. My dysphoria was hitting me like s truck so hard. I will never have a cis girl’s life or even any sort of childhood or teen years. I have burned my life away. If only i had known that i was a trans girl at 11. I had even realized i wasn’t a guy but i didn’t hate myself yet or know what life is wanted instead. I buried those thoughts until late march last year and i hate it. I could have had a girl teen years and actually gone to school dances, had sleepovers(tho probably not because of my stupid failing body), actually felt rigjt in my skin, wear cute clothes, wear makeup, learn how to be a girl as i grow up, have a closer to what i want body. I will never have that all because i didn’t realize i could do anything about it. I was literally going to a children’s hospital for my cerebral palsy and the area for like trans health was like 15-20 feet away. I was literally in walking distance away from a decent life. I will never have a decent life nor a life at all. I want to die it all tight now but can’t. I would be destroying other peoples’ lives and making everyone’s trip miserable. I am a selfish bitch i just want to die. Why can’t i have been normal and average. I literally wish i was the most average girl in existence. I can’t stand being unique. It brings me so much mental pain. I will never be happy. I just can’t i am far past the point of being happy. I was only happy as a child because i knpwn nothing and my body hadn’t been turned into a monster by puberty. Why can’t i just be a kid forever. I need it. I don’t want to turn 18 in a few months. It would be so so ironic to commit on my birthday for multiple reasons. One because that is the day i came into this world(against my will and without my consent). And another because that week is national suicide prevention week and that month is national suicide prevention month. I probably will not commit on that day but it would be so ironic if i did. Also a girl who was in our group for free time today told me how i am strong for being life because a lot of people “unfortunately die young”. I think she clocked me immediately. Also it is sort of obvious that she has an eating disorder and is very depressed. Apparently she was in my calculus class. I did not know that. I should have talked to her at some point during the school year. She is friendly. I wish i could change my past in so many ways. All i see are my failures and mistakes and flaws. I don’t see positive stuff in my life i know there is some but i can’t physically care because of all the overwhelming problems and flaws. I am a failure of a human. I wish i had died in the womb or at least was a designer baby which either would have been nice. I hate existence. I hate my existence. It is pain and misery and only suffering. I can’t be happy. I wish i could just take someone’s life. Preferably someone who is like 11 or 12 so i could just make up the years i could have easily had if only i had just known. Also i want to be cured of cerebral palsy but that isn’t possible unfortunately and probably won’t be in my lifetime. Also how the fuck are girls do hairless. I hate having body hair how the fuck do they have literally none. I have tried multiple things to get rid of it and they are either way too painful and don’t get rid of all the hair or don’t work. It also doesn’t help i can barely use my right side.

I hate being disabled and trans. Please just end my misery. I want to be euthanized so i can die peacefully and not painfully knowing i will 100% die, not alone, and knowing it will be less destructive to everyone around me but unfortunately in the state i life i would have to be terminally ill and they probably still won’t because “i am young and have a life ahead of me”. I am literally in pain 24/7, suffer from so many issues that can’t be fixed, am literally unable to be happy in my life, and will just end myself one day so i would rather it be by a doctor’s hands who know what they are doing than my own hands where i might just disable myself even more. If only my bio mom never did drugs. If only. I would not be suffering. Everything wrong with me is all because of her doing drugs because that led to all the bad things happening. I want out i didn’t consent to suffer 24/7. My legs feel like they will fall off from the pain, my back feels like it is going to break from all the pain, my right arm is so fucking sore, my eyes hurt, my nose hurts(probably from so many people smoking and vaping), my ears are ringing(have had tinnitus for years), i have a massive headache which feels like my head will implode, and i feels most of those 24/7 and Tylenol only helps so much and i can’t take it 24/7 and i didn’t bring any with me because i didn’t think it would be so much more painful than usual. I want to go home but can’t unless i get very hurt or get very sick which i don’t want either. Even if i go home now my mom will have to come home too which will ruin the trip for her. I don’t want to have wasted like 16k. I am a waste. I only waste, waste, and waste. I am the definition of wasteful and useless. My life is a joke. Actually it isn’t because jokes have meaning. My life has no meaning. I exist just to suffer. Why do i have to suffer 24/7. I only don’t suffer when i am asleep and only sometimes. I sleep so light and i am exhausted all the time and the few dreams i have are just so weird and bring me pain from how boring my life is. I hate my existence.

Please just end me whoever or whatever is out there. I will do anything for it and i mean anything

[eshayteaparty]

Eat Me Away

This is a poem I made about my eating disorder. It's more of a vent than something saying I'm getting better, because I'm not, and I don't think I need help but I've accepted that I'm getting it. My mum makes me feel bad. This is not to shame my mum. This is how everything makes me feel.

TW: Anorexia, body dysmorphia, references to weight, jaundice, feeding tubes, psych wards, death.

Transparent teeth,

Pearly white bones.

I want them poking through my skin

Before I leave myself alone.

Clicky cold metal

Uneven scales

Off and on the back a thousand times

To calculate what it entails.

My hair is limp and mousy

My eyes are faded jade

My ends are split and scraggly

Like I’m just a mangy stray

Out of water out of steam

Eyes fall to the floor

I still can’t see my ladyhood

I’ll suck my stomach in some more.

1.2, 1.6, 1.8, 2k.

My mind tells me I shouldn't meet that number every single day

In protein carbs and sugar every mouthful makes me want to spit

My mind torments yet my lament expression’s something I know I’ll regret.

Ticking by

Smaller size

Pointy hips, yet touching thighs

Channel power

Every hour

Every night so I won’t sour

Crunches 

Situps

Bleary eyes

Chin up

No friends to help just mum who yelps that one day I won’t get up.

More food

Less sleep

Reverse it all to keep it neat

Seeing special nurses just to not use the utilities.

My counselors can’t help me

My mum makes me feel worse for wear.

Every time we talk about this

I feel my cheeks go damp with tears.

The same places they always fall

In tracks that don’t last but hold the same pull

Weigh me to the ground 

Make me want to be empty, never full.

I half my breakfast

Half my lunch

Cut out snacks

No time for brunch

If I felt I’d had too much that day i’d turn down all

With flow or crunch.

I can’t see what she does.

I can’t see what her friends do.

I can’t see my white skin- cutting

off my blood- now a yellow hue.

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

You won’t tell me what they say.

I see NO such changes

Yet you won’t go away.

Go away.

I’m fine.

Leave me alone.

I’m taking my time.

It’s more than anorexia.

It’s my own thoughts, on my own mind.

Not a disease,

Or an anomaly,

I’m the one telling you, but instead you see

A monster to get rid of

When that monster happens to be me. 

Let me talk.

Even if my cheeks flush hot.

Let me speak

Even if I rasp or squeak.

It’s easier to write this down

Then get it out in time at therapy.

I want to be skinnier.

I want my curves, but the desire to be thinner

Overwhelms any goodness I had left inside

You and I both wonder

If your true daughter has died.

Where has she gone?

Under the surface, or bobbing along?

Barely surviving, shouts hit her like stones.

Sending her under the sea of her own

Mentality.

Reality.

She made it for herself, but how?

Influence? A personality?

It was her own eyes

That once looked into yours in dazzled surprise.

When you held her, for the first time, 

you didn’t think, ‘I want her to be light’.

But she wants others to say that she is

When they squeeze her that tight.

A baby girl

Again

Whom you threaten with her own demise.

Scare with feeding tubes and others in her youth

Deprived unfairly of a life.

A psych ward of crazies

Because she didn’t eat.

Because you made her think

She could be dead and off her feet in a matter of weeks.

It makes her want less.

It causes her stress.

More so than togs in the summer, or a dress.

She yearns for support.

Not fights that warp

What she has into something far greater than a phobia of going on life support.

Calories that are all forced.

What’s scarier?

Dying, or eating?

Extra snacking, of course.

She’s quiet at school.

She’s quiet at home.

Day in and day out.

But she doesn’t want to be alone.

She wants to feel loved.

She wants to be held.

She wants to eat normally.

She wants to feel well.

This girl is me.

This disorder is we.

You want to help.

Treat this gently.

Not with unease, like porcelain,

Like I’ll slip away, unjustifiably.

But comfort me 

And I’ll find solace in you

As I did when I was a baby.

I don’t know whether or not  my face

Could be possibly any wetter.

You make me feel so guilty for this.

But I want to be better.

I’m sorry.

[ina-nis]

It was good to have the professional reassurance, validation and (sort of) confirmation that what I’m dealing with is, indeed, AvPD. Now I know what to do when seeking help.

If not that, it’s definitely some personality disorder and the main issues are definitely these baseline avoidant behaviours, that are hard to pinpoint, all things considered; a unshakable feeling of emptiness because of the deep loneliness I feel; and an inescapable disconnection from other people, even when I’m able to connect, everything stays in the realm of shallowness.

The avoidance is so ingrained, it doesn’t feel like avoidance anymore. Haven’t felt like avoidance for a long time.

I give myself opportunities to be spontaneous and let go of the overcontrol that feels so grounding and familiar, but I can’t let go of avoidance. It feels like it’s inherent to me. Makes things really hard, and it’s hard to argue against it either.

For example, the whole “I could desensitize myself and get exposed to triggers so that they lessen their influence over me with time” and my answer to that is “actually, it’s much better to spend my energy around people I enjoy, instead of trying to fix connections with people I dislike.” It makes sense, and it’s avoidance. It’s the right thing to do, and yet, it’s the wrong thing. Since I’m doing all this on my own, it’s understandable that I (or rather, my brain), would go for a much simpler solution as a form of harm reduction, if at all possible.

“It’s better to be alone than in bad company” is a form of avoidance too. It’s impossible to be rid of “bad companies” at all, for as long as one lives around people, there will be bad actors and persons you will not like for whatever reasons. You cannot always “escape”, it’s not always the best course of action either.

Another point: most, if not all, of the skills I have learned to deal with stress (in general, from anxiety to triggers and more), now feel like avoidance too.

I can see myself and my behaviours with a clean mind now and all these old things that helped me get here are, perhaps, hindering my progress. I can’t move further, I can’t move past my current issues. Maybe I lack the skills required for that. What helped before, now obstructs my recovery, I believe.

A lot of the skills I know, a lot of the things I use, have to do with emotional regulation - and you can probably imagine what that means for someone with too much self-control issues and avoidant tendencies: sure, I let myself “feel” my emotions when I have to feel them, but I am quick to go back to my baseline neutrality, “it’s pointless” and “there’s no use getting worked over something like this” and “I can just let go” and “I can use my time/energy for better things” and “I can just focus on something else that’s under my control” and so on...

All those are good things to do, are good exercises to improve your mental health, and they all have helped me tremendously in recovering from a bunch of disorders.

But looking at it all from an avoidant perspective changes everything.

Ultimately, I avoid my feelings, I avoid unbearable situations, I avoid things out of my control, I avoid things that feel pointless, I avoid discomfort, I avoid uncertainty, and much more.

All that means... dialectically, I’m doing all the right things: I’m focusing on the good and in all things under my control, I’m shifting my attention and energy into things that are good for me while I try to deal with the ones that might not be as good, I take the challenges as they come knowing I can simply walk away if I have to.

By doing all the right things, perhaps, I’m only enabling avoidance further.

This is really tricky considering the goal of treatment for many mental disorders is to achieve exactly this: some degree of functioning and being able to live life as it is, with suffering and all.

It makes me frustrated and fearful of the prospect of treatments for myself in the future because... obviously, focusing on all the good things in my life and strengthening areas under my control don’t address avoidance, therefore don’t decrease suffering.

I feel like this problem became way too complex, even for me, even though I spent most of my time researching and trying to find answers.

It’s not going to be as simple as showing up to social gatherings regularly and trying to hit on people using apps - if that worked I wouldn’t be here writing walls of text on a journal on Tumblr, from all places - I don’t know what the answer is or what else I’m supposed to do, but I’m pretty sure my current skillset is doing more damage than helping.

That is in textbooks and self-help articles, that’s in the mouths of trained professionals, that’s the thing supposed to help you.

But if you have a problem like this disorder, it all serves as a fuel. You avoid more, and you function better, you call it something else but not avoidance. You have no issues whatsoever.

[taughtdefense]

after his near death experience in between 4x08 & 4x09, ethan struggles with finding a sense of normalcy, & finding healthier ways to deal with his trauma. despite being a member of miyagi-do, internally-wise, he's essentially constantly thrown off balance throughout s5. he feels like he doesn't "fit anywhere" anymore, & tries to act like everything is okay on the surface level.

i hope you guys are prepared to read everything & have some snacks ready, because this is very long.

part one: ethan & the "Silver Voice"

something that is rather prevalent for his character arc in season 5 is the fact that he starts hearing silver’s voice in his head. this applies to @opponentcompel's silver specifically, or, to a lesser extent, my own version of silver ( npc ). this development is something that started a few days after he was released from the hospital ( timeline wise, he is released at the near end of 5x03, after being in the hospital from "4.08 point 5" until then ). that's approximately a week or two he spent in the hospital recovering, then he jump-started his healing with his powers.

please note that i'm guesstimating that recovery time of a week or two, because there's no way it takes one day for miguel to get to mexico by bus ( which takes maybe like ~7-10 hours irl ), for johnny to realize where miguel took off to, or for robby & johnny to drive down to mexico, find miguel on their own, then drive back to/return to the valley that same day, returning early in the morning. all of that can’t just happen in one/two days, in my opinion.

canon ck timeline /negative.

anyway….

the fact that ethan hears silver's voice in his head is a real occurrence that is found in people who have PTSD.

"Auditory Verbal Hallucinations (AVHs) are commonly associated with psychosis but are also reported in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Hearing voices after the experience of stress has been conceptualized as a dissociative experience."

ethan hearing silver's voice is a trauma response brought on by his PTSD from the event. he can't just ignore the fact that he almost died, alone & terrified for minutes before robby found him. he can’t just ignore the fact that he actually, clinically died two separate times, either. if you’re curious, it was once in the ambulance to the hospital ( he was resuscitated by the paramedic ), then the second time while on the operating room table. these two times are canon, & he is severely psychologically impacted by it, even post season 5.

as i mentioned in this headcanon, ethan confronting silver can be viewed by other people in-universe as a suicide attempt. he was more than willing to let himself die because he thinks he "deserved the punishment".

the development of his AVH is piled on top of his paranoid anxiety/personality disorder… which forms after the same event, too, but it should be noted the voice of silver doesn't correlate with his PPD. ( an explanation of what PPD is linked here, if you’re curious. please note that the bullet point of "Have persistent suspicions, without justified reason, that their spouses or romantic partners are being unfaithful." DOES NOT apply to ethan. )

he hears the voice of silver in every episode of s5. this is non-negotiable for interactions going forward, & i may mention it once or twice in from this point on. at first, ethan assumes that it's the work of his Creators ( which is semi-true, because they KNOW that he's traumatized ), & tries to push the voice out of his head.

he tries everything he can think of, short of killing "the source" ( silver ), but nothing works. ethan doubts that killing silver would even rid him of the voice. OBVIOUSLY, i wouldn’t have him kill terry, of course for plot reasons. but does he think about it occasionally when the Silver Voice gets bad? yes. but he very heavily internalizes these thoughts throughout s5. he decidedly doesn’t want his friends/family or robby to think he’s mentally slipping. ( even if wade, vanessa & damiana can sort of just Tell. )

part 1.5: the effects of ethan’s near-death experiences on himself & my version(s) of the canon characters/my ocs

ethan tries to pretend like everything is fine around his friends/family, because he doesn’t want them to worry. his efforts of trying to make sure that his friends don’t notice him suffering has the opposite effect, though:

wade & vanessa become increasingly more worried about ethan’s mental state with every s5 episode that passes, practically every scene they're in ( all three of them are in the episodes, trust me ).

his friend group ( my ocs & my versions of the canon ck characters ) start really looking out for ethan because they're worried about his mental, physical & emotional states in a near-constant way. both the adults & teens worry over him. they never want to see him get hospitalized, if they can help it.

they even ask ethan to put a sort of tracking app on his phone, so they can have his location to make sure he isn't hurt somewhere, or someplace where he isn't supposed to be. the group also implements what demetri calls a "buddy system", because that's what it is. it basically means that ethan should never be left to his own devices if out in public, & needs to be "babysat". ethan, because he’s ethan, complains & refers to the buddy system as a prison sentence. he knows they're making sure that he's never put in that life-threatening ever situation again, though. he commends them for that & their efforts in keeping him safe, he doesn’t condemn them.

part two: ethan & coping with his trauma / a tiny blurb: aka "How Did He End Up Here?", & "How Is He Throughout Season 5?"

the "silver voice" ( as i call it ) starts rearing its ugly head if ethan makes a mistake, no matter how small or big it might be. it also comes around if he accidentally hurts one of his friends. this especially applies to the secondary example. whenever ethan starts hearing the silver voice, he will essentially go catatonic & nonverbal in an attempt to cope, or reflexively mentally "fight back" against the voice, assuming its persistent enough in his head while reacting to a specific instance that either just happened, or happened in the past ( "failing" to prevent miguel’s accident at the school, "failing" to realize that robby was going to join ck/not doing "more" to prevent it from happening [even if that is a huge turning point for robby’s character/s4 as a whole, & erasing that won’t work storyline wise] ).

it doesn't matter what day of the week it is, or what time of day. the voice is present enough in ethan’s psyche to impact moments in his life. the silver voice mostly just taunts him & calls more attention to his "failures", like accidentally hurting chase during a friendly sparring match prior to 5x07.

ethan begins to lash out at his friends in s5, especially near the end of the season when the cracks in his mental health start to really show. this cracking unearths a lot of his genuine anger at silver, kreese, & the whole valley-wide karate war as a whole. he’s fed up during season 5. he hadn’t been angry in season 3 like sam was about miguel’s accident, because he’d been TRYING to not let himself get to that point. this is because walker!him in his deadpool universe getting angry = mass destruction of property & mass human casualties, including injuries & loss of life. he was trying to be Better.

( robby getting thrown into juvie by daniel ? VERY different story. he literally moves out of the larusso household without telling anyone, not even sam when it happens, or robby during one of his juvie visits. ethan’s feelings towards daniel switch pretty drastically during s3. there’s a lot of anger & tension towards him, even if he was only trying to help robby get a lighter sentence… but ethan is a teenager, & his friend/crush got put into juvie for an accident, of course he’d feel betrayed by mr. larusso. )

but in s5, his rage is palpable. he's furious over the fact that silver was the "cause" of everything ( for kreese & silver turning the students of cobra kai into miniature versions of themselves, for making them play solider because they're Old Men who can't let go of a 30 year old grudge. robby joining cobra kai, & ethan firsthand witnessing him choose cobra kai, was the main contributing factor to ethan just kind of losing his mind.

another - albeit smaller - factor of ethan finally having Enough of the evil karate senseis terrorizing the Valley & seemingly getting away with it… was stingray's hospitalization the morning after prom. ethan found out that happened unintentionally, when he physically brushed stingray's hand during a visit while stingray was comatose, just after getting beaten. ethan saw his final memory before passing out. he saw that entire stingray & silver scene play out, like he was right next to him, unable to breathe or move.

this enraged mindset only escalates further when daniel is beaten up by silver in season 5, unintentionally, perhaps, semi-paralleling his own run-in with silver. but whereas daniel went to mend a bridge with stingray & found silver, ethan willingly went after silver for both stingray's brutal beating, & the bridges robby's betrayal burned with his miyagi-do ( or eagle fang ) friends. ethan himself included.

but that ^ hc is gonna be expanded on at later date. back to this one...

with this unearthing of ethan’s rage, comes a "sudden" surge of his genuine knowledge/strength in martial arts - whereas prior he'd been pretending to be weak/not as trained in marital arts, despite his legacy status of being wade & vanessa’s son. he stops holding back so much, especially during any fights. whereas someone like emma might attempt to de-escalate the situation verbally, ethan is pretty much ready to throw himself headfirst into battle.

which kind of brings me to my next point.

part three: ethan & co-dependency towards robby throughout season 5, formed as a byproduct of shared/collective trauma ( defined as "experiencing a traumatic event together" )

with ethan nearly dying in the back room of the old cobra kai dojo & robby walking in on that, i genuinely think that ethrobby have shared trauma. not to mention all of the drama/big group fights that happens throughout the show, with the school fight is another big reason why i think they have shared trauma. the show pulls no punches, & for any of them to just walk away without severe impacts on their mental health is very unrealistic. sam’s ptsd storyline throughout s3-s4 was great.

"Strong links between psychotic symptoms, including AVHs (Auditory Verbal Hallucinations), and dissociative experiences have been demonstrated in a number of studies, in both clinical and non-clinical populations (see Moskowitz, Barker-Collo, & Ellson, 2004 for review). Allen, Coyne, and Console (1997) argued that dissociative detachment deprives individuals of “internal and external anchors”."

personally, i interpret "internal & external anchors" as a means to ground oneself to reality, or to "pull" oneself out of a nightmare/PTSD flashback. that is just my own interpretation, though.

during season 5, ethan's quote — unquote "external anchor" is @taughtpain . robby is who grounds him to reality, as well as any thread set post season 5, too. i don't think he'd ever disclose that fact to him, even if he does let him know about the silver voice in his head… or if robby somehow finds out about it on his own. the ‘external anchor’ part is Very Obvious to everyone else in their friend group ( potentially robby himself recognizes this, @mads? ).

as of the posting of this headcanon, i don’t think he’d tell robby or his other partners ( my miguel, my tory or mads’s sam ) about the silver voice, mostly due to internalized fears of rejection/the stigmatization of mental health disorders. he wants to avoid ‘losing’ his fiancés + fiancées at any cost possible.

"The absence of anchors is proposed to increase an individual's sense of feeling disconnected from the world, interpersonal relationships, and within their intrapersonal self, resulting in a sense of confusion and disorientation, and critically, in an impairment in reality-testing."

ethan’s co-dependency towards robby is wildly rooted in the their shared trauma. he loves robby to pieces - he’s not obsessed with him. it is not a stockholm syndrome situation. i want to make that distinction very clear. in practically every shot of season 5 that robby is in, ethan is right next to robby, or in the background someplace, watching over him, or physically holding his hand. he feels compelled to be near him because he is his ‘anchor’ - or someone who tethers him to reality - & his boyfriend. robby makes the silver voice less severe. he’s allowed to be clingy with robby because he saved his life.

"In this way, Moskowitz and Corstens (2007) proposed that for individuals hearing voices when exposed to high levels of stress, AVHs should be conceptualised as dissociative experiences. Similarly, Longden, Madill, and Waterman (2012) proposed that voices could be conceptualised as dissociated or ‘disowned components of the self’, arising from the failure to integrate adverse and traumatic sensory and psychological experiences into the context of the self. Hallucinatory experiences might therefore reflect directly or indirectly dissociated traumatic content (e.g., the voice of an abuser) impinging on conscious awareness (e.g. Anketell et al., 2010), rather than a psychotic symptom."

ethan hears the silver voice a lot. if he was counting the amounts, he’d have surely gone past 10 times per episode, typically not per scene, because that would be too many times to calculate. especially depending on the context of the episode’s plot-line. with 10 episodes per season, that’s ( at the very LEAST ) a minimum of 100 pieces of dialogue the Silver Voice says to ethan. he feels physically sick ( or a little violent ) when silver even looks in his general direction during the sekai taikai qualifying matches in 5x08. he wants to fucking run out of the dojo. he doesn’t, although it’s obvious by his facial expressions he’s uncomfortable.

is that a lot of silver dialogue running around in ethan’s head? yes. i’m fully aware of it. but ethan’s severely traumatized, he’s an eldritch being. he doesn’t know how to properly cope with anything that happened to him in the past, & the Silver Voice isn’t ( mostly ) meant to appear during his happy moments. he’s not really genuinely happy or calm during s5. he starts to get his bloodlust up, the desire for revenge. he can’t just sweep his trauma under the rug.

if ethan is away from robby for a prolonged period of time ( ex: a few weeks for whatever reason ), the silver voice can & does routinely say nasty things to him about everything that happened in between 4x08 & 4x09.

some examples of the voice include, but are not limited to:

the miguel+johnny+robby trip to & back from mexico, because ethan was recovering in the hospital

the miguel+robby+johnny apartment fight because my johnny kept him away intentionally ( something that REALLY pissed him off )

when robby confronts silver with tory, the rest of the ck students & sensei kim present in 5x09.

while ethan doesn’t at all feel ‘insecure’ with his romantic relationship, or doubts his faithfulness ( or anything like that ), the silver voice reminds him that if robby was more like ‘him’… specifically: both real-life silver or kreese, he may have put ethan out of his misery. it’s what his creators firmly believe, so they kind of put that thought in ethan’s head.

in an attempt to completely halt the silver voice from making more of a worse impact on his already somewhat fragile impacted psychological state, ethan feels the need to constantly be surrounded by his friends, family or robby. just being around them will typically lessen the voice, or quiet it completely. i’ll admit, he was clingy before his near death experience, but after? that clinginess becomes a bit amped up in its severity. my muses might make a joke out of it with robby, or sam, or everyone else, but they’re all aware that he’s clearly traumatized - understandably so. his friends are ready to help him out with whatever he needs, whenever he needs it.

by the way, his clinginess doesn’t just extend to robby, even if he’s the main person ethan will naturally gravitate towards. for example, if you see ethan w/ his hand on hawk’s shoulder during 5x09, please don’t call him out on it. he’s anxious enough already, & he will react negatively.

part four: closing thoughts ( aka: how the Silver Voice impacts him throughout post season 5 )

post season 5 & with silver’s arrest + ck takedown, the voice no longer comes around nearly as often. there are moments when he can hear it, & that can be deliberating on ethan. sometimes, he’ll just freeze up, his breathing will get heavy, he’ll have a small panic attack, then calm down enough to continue on with his activities. the nightmares are the worst part: they usually involve seeing robby get hurt, where he’s just out of reach from ethan. but the silver voice is no longer consistently whispering in his ear, like it had been in every episode of season 5. he’s healing… or trying to start healing, anyway.

for season 6, i think that the silver voice will once again become MORE of an issue for ethan. if/when terry gets out of jail because he’s Rich, & starts enacting his revenge on the miyagi-fangs, the silver voice will make its return.

ok, i think that’s everything for now! if you’ve read this far, i thank you from the bottom of my heart! :). i hope this made sense & it wasn’t just me making a fool out of myself! if i think of anything else, there will be a part two to this headcanon… or maybe a part three when season 6 drops. let me know if you have any questions or comments! thanks again for reading!

-bows & exits-

[seasickzig]

OCD

BEFORE READING: If you have OCD please be careful reading this! OCD is a very persuadable disorder, and it is possible you adopt some of my obsessions or compulsions! I also talk in depth about my fear of spiders, so if you have arachnophobia, please be careful!

I was diagnosed with OCD during my full psych eval. I have many subtypes of OCD, but the one in my medical records says I specifically have tic related OCD. Tic related OCD is slightly different than traditional OCD, as many of my compulsions are not caused by obsessive or intrusive thoughts, they are caused by bodily sensations, much like my premonitory urge from Tourette’s syndrome. I do still have intrusive and obsessive thoughts, and they do sometimes correlate with a compulsion.

DSM5 criteria for OCD consists of 2 categories of obsessions, and 2 categories of compulsions.

Obsessions

1) Repetitive thoughts or urges that are unwanted and persistent. They are often based on things people fear. They may have intrusive thoughts/feelings about incest, pedophilia, murder, self harm, robbery, offending people, contamination, being followed/watched, etc. These are not things that people “secretly want,” it is based on the things we are the most afraid of.

2) Attempts to ignore or neutralized the thoughts/feelings with an action (compulsion). Ignoring the thought/feeling can cause it to build and become harder to ignore, but it is a recommended therapy technique. Preforming the compulsion is thought to alleviate the anxiety caused by the thought, which either doesn’t work at all, or only works for a short period of time.

Compulsions

1) Repetitive behaviors or mental acts that you believe will get rid of the obsessive thought/feeling. Things like hand washing, light switch flipping, checking, counting, praying, repeating words/phrases, and more.

2) Sometimes compulsions don’t make sense with the obsessive thought/feeling. For an example of a correlating obsession and compulsion, someone might fear that their house will be broken into, so they check the doors and windows multiple times per day. A compulsion that does not correlate with its obsession would be someone fearing that their house will catch on fire, so they collect bottle caps.

My obsessions and compulsions!

Most of my compulsions are checking and counting. Most of my obsessions are relationship, contamination, and the tic related obsessions, which don’t have a thought or fear associated. I also have obsessive thoughts regarding spiders.

For relationship OCD, I often worry that my loved ones are mad at me or don’t love me anymore. I get checking compulsions where I will ask if they are mad at me repeatedly. I used to have worse compulsions where I felt the need to test their love for me, but I don’t have those anymore after therapy.

For contamination OCD, I am constantly on the look out for mold and bugs, specifically maggots in my food. If I touch mold or clean it I have to wash myself multiple times in extremely hot water with multiple different kinds of soap, just in case one soap does better than the others. For bugs in my food, I am visually inspecting the whole process of making and eating the food. No bite is safe with OCD. I am extra vigilant outside, and won’t have drinks without lids.

For my OCD surrounding spiders, my worst obsession, I am always looking for spiders. I will have nightmares if I see one, even just a photo. I cannot get too close to a spider for catch and release, because I’m convinced it will bite and kill me, even though most spiders cannot kill a human. I also cannot kill spiders because my OCD makes me believe that, upon death, spiders release a pheromone that tells its family to come and eliminate the threat to their species. I know this isn’t real, and even the obsessive thought has a lot of flaws to it. For example, I can’t kill the spider with a shoe because then the family will find me by the shoe. I can’t kill the spider with a tissue because then the family will find the room the spider died in. Why the family can’t find the room if I kill the spider with a shoe, I have no idea. Ideally, someone else will catch and release the spider, so the spider puts a good word in to its fam.

I also have OCD around being followed or watched, by all sorts of things. Sometimes I feel like the government is following me, sometimes I feel like its a stalker, sometimes I feel like I’m being haunted by some supernatural creature. I actually believed I might have some sort of delusion disorder because of these, but I know they aren’t real, even though they feel real, and that is not what a delusion is. Compulsions for this feeling are taking odd routes, making sure I act uninteresting and unsuspecting, drawing the blinds and curtains, etc. I don’t talk about this a lot because I worry that it is real, and if I say anything then whatever is following me will become more active or persistent. I also have been invalidated when I bring it up, people often tell me I’m silly for thinking such things, that I’m not that interesting, that it’s very unlikely. This is an obsessive thought where checking compulsions Do Not help, and actually make the obsessive thought worse. At one point, a few years ago, it got really bad and I convinced myself that my whole family was working with the government to do experiments on me. I still haven’t learned how to tackle this specific one. I usually just have to wait until it goes away from my managing other stressors.

For tic related OCD, I need things to be done a certain way or certain amount of times. I pull on my car door handle three times to ensure it’s locked. I check the door lock by unlocking and re-locking the door three times (but wait, did I leave it locked or unlocked on accident after I last checked? I should check again). If I’m closing a drawer, door, cabinet, etc. and it doesn’t make the right noise as it closes, I have to re-open and try again until it makes the correct sound. I can’t step on cracks or my body feels uneven, and I have to step on a similar crack with my other foot on the same spot to even my body out (If I step on a crack with my right heel, I have to step on a similar crack with my left heel). I also count a lot, but that might overlap with my autism. I count how many steps I get in a square and end up with a kind of rhythm in my head that I try to stick to until I get to my destination.

Feel free to ask any questions or share your experiences!

[byakuyasdarling]

can’t deal with the fact people glorify anxiety,,, like yes the disorder that literally keeps me from normal functioning and is detrimental to my physical and mental health is so cutesy and so easy to live with and I can totally sleep at night and I don’t get massively painful ulcer flare-ups when I’m stressed (it is literally debilitating) panic attacks are quirky! /s

I don’t have repetitive thought cycles that make me constantly worry and exhaust me throughout the day from a whole other disorder that’s exasperated by my anxiety! It’s so pleasant in both of these ways! I love when people think me flapping my hands is so cutesy when it’s totally not a sign of distress for the most part /SARCASM

I have no clue why anyone would want to fake something I am so desperate to get rid of. Like this is not fun — especially when so many people close to me in my life atm have this strong image of me that I hate living up to.

Though I will say that most likely, even people who fake disorders do have something bad going on and is symptomatic of broader issues (there’s literally a term for this, I forgot) — so I’m not going to go haywire at confused and hurting children. Though their actions are ignorant and can romanticise what living with these things is actually like and diminish other people’s struggles — I’m fairly sure they’re too young and confused to properly process that and I doubt it’s malicious the majority of the time. You’re just going to further push them into boxes by harassing them.

[novawritesthingsss]

Memories.

Tw: Substance/Alcohol abuse

[ao3 link]

Great Gods and goddesses, Sunny was a mess. Their head throbbed in pain. One more sip turned into half of the bottle. Half of the bottle turned into a full one. One bottle turned into two. Two into seven. Kat wasn't going to be happy.

Sunny thought they had more self-control but they didn't! Kat won't allow them to drink ever again. It's over. They promised they wouldn't relapse. But they did, and they did hard. It was worse than they ever did. They never drank this much before. But the memories wouldn't stop. 

They felt someone touch her back. They flinched violently. “Sunny relax, it's just me…” It was Kat. They were screwed. They buried their hands into their faces “N-n-n-no…. Kat… I- Shit! F-fuck! I-I…. Didn't mean to! I- Uh-” Kat cut them off. “Sunny relax. I'm not mad. Just… disappointed. Can you look at me?” Sunny’s head stayed buried. “Can you at least turn to me?” Kat begged. Sunny turned their body to Kat. “Thanks”

Kat gently removed Sunny’s hands. She then tilted Sunny’s head so that Sunny was looking at her. “See? Not mad. Why did you… drink… all of this?” “The memories.” “The Memories?” Kat echoed. Sunny nodded. “It hurts-” “The memories or your head?” “Both.”

Kat handed Sunny some water and a pill. Sunny took it. “Sunny,” Kat called out. “You promised you would come to me if they hurt that bad.” Sunny’s expression turned into an even more guilty one. “I didn't want to bother you with my problems.” “Sunny…” “I know.”

“You know I wouldn't mind if you came.” Kat reminded. “I Know… I'm sorry.” Sunny said sorrowfully. “Apology accepted— but Sunny, I'm not allowing you to drink anymore after this.” “I know.”

“Now come here. I want to know what exactly the memories were. You normally don't drink this much…”

“I'll tell you.”

——

 Sunny jolted awake in a cold sweat. Their words, her their(?)death. It all came back too fast. She They wanted it to stop, they needed it to stop. They threw off the blanket, cringing at the sight of their breasts. “ You're gonna do it again aren't you?” The Voice again.

“Shut up…” Sunny replied.

“You know I'm right. You're lying to yourself and you know it.”

“I'm not lying! This is who I am!”

“You're a bad liar. Go on, drink me away. I dare you.”

“Shut up!”

Sunny exited their room. Maybe she They could just wash their face? Maybe that would calm them down?

“You know that wouldn't work. You're so stupid.”Sunny splashed water into their face, in the hope that it would relax them a bit. Then they made the mistake of looking at themself.

“Wow, you're ugly. What does Kat even see in you?”

“Stop. Please…”

“Pathetic. You could do better.

“You're a liar. She likes me.”

“How can you be so sure?

Sunny froze. The voice might be right, what if Kat didn't like them? What if Kat was just using them? 

“No that can’t be right.” Sunny thought.

“Now you're in denial.”

“No I'm not- can you please just shut up!”

“You can't get rid of me.”

Sunny exited the bathroom. It was time to use the last remaining opinion. Sunny pulled out a bunch of bottles of alcohol.

“You're weak.” “I know.”

——

“So you hear…voices… in your head? Kat questioned. “Correct,” Sunny replied. “Oh. Sunny…” Kat rubbed Sunny’s shoulders. The two were now in her room. It was currently 6:28 AM.

Sunny leaned more into Kat. Kat began to think of a solution. She thought it sounded a lot like something she looked into on her computer. “Sunny, that sounds like something that needs to be diagnosed.” Sunny hummed in confusion. “What do you mean?” Kat sat up more. “It might be like a mental disorder or something… and the way you're coping with it is… really bad.”

Sunny hummed again. “I see…”

“So will you consider getting diagnosed?” “Once we find out what it might be— yes.”