#Batfamily and cooking

[momo-minomo]

Batfam Cooking/Eating Habits

I know that the fandom has, for some reason, settled on the idea that Alfred and Jason are the only Waynes that can cook and the rest are health disasters but honestly the comics doesn't really support that (with the exception of Bruce and maybe Cass lol) and I have serious doubts that Alfred would let ANY of his kids go through life without basic life skills. So based on comics and my own thoughts and feelings, here's how I figure everyone's kitchen skills would be.

Bruce: He follows a VERY strict diet to maintain his peak physical condition but will break it for special occasions or feeding his kids takeout on patrol. As for cooking, for the most part Bruce is an utter disaster in the kitchen. He's had Alfred by his side his entire life so most of the time his attempts at cooking went extremely badly, even if it was something as simple as a damn sandwich as Tim can attest to here:

After Alfred's death he does eventually learns to make a few specific, simple things really well like the omelette he made for Clark here. As you can see, though, he's still pretty helpless in the kitchen with anything beyond the very basics, even dishwashers lol

Dick: Our flippiest boy is not the hopeless cereal-addicted kitchen disaster that fandom assumes he is. In fact, Tim was surprised at how good Dick is with all the "domestic skills" like cleaning, laundry, and cooking. Dick has cooked multiple times in the comics, especially for dates or Tim. He is constantly trying to feed his baby brother in general so he's cooked him pasta and soup for sure and just showed up with takeout or donuts a bunch.

Jason: I love the headcanon that Jason is a foodie and a really good cook even though I admit there's not much evidence for it in the comics. No evidence against it, either. Jason definitely loves to eat good food and doesn't bother with a strict diet like Batman and he loves a good burger. Considering his past, though, I think it's very in character that he'd learn to cook really well from Alfred so he's always self-sufficient. Since I don't have any comic snapshots of him cooking, here's Jason's eternal love for burgers instead!

Tim: His relationship with food seems kind of complicated to me. Tim on his own will eat super healthy so he remains in top shape for the job. What we see him eating, though, are things like plain salads, kale chips, and scrambled egg whites. Considering his extremely active life he should be eating more protein and larger portions but he often leaves them unfinished. As a young Robin it didn't seem like he got fed much at home, either, since you see Dick trying to feed him at every opportunity and he was always hungry if Alfred or Dick offered to cook or buy food for him.

When Tim is with other people, the YJ crew, his friends, Dick, Spoiler, etc he's far more willing to eat. Dick pulls out donuts and Tim is rubbing his hands together in anticipation. Dick brought a thermos of soup on patrol for himself but immediately hands it to Tim when he shows up and Tim downs it. So my HC is that Tim will eat as a necessity but doesn't really like to do it by himself. He's a social eater. He'll spend an entire afternoon eating a boring but healthy meal because he has to but if a friend or sibling show up he'll happily eat a full meal with them and even junk food.

As for Tim and cooking, we actually know he can and is pretty good at it! In comics he's cooked with Dick, learned to make chicken soup with his stepmom Dana when Steph was sick. We also see in the comics that Tim has prepared a full breakfast spread for when Jason shows up to a pre-arranged meeting to ask for information. Jason asks if the waffles are Alfred's recipe (apparently Alfred's one culinary sin is paste-like waffles lol) and is happy to sit down and munch when Tim assures him they aren't. He's also made pancakes for Steph and the family after patrol, a father's day dinner for Bruce, and a cake for Bernard! So Tim is a really good cook that doesn't really bother for just himself much. He prefers to go all out cooking for other people.

Cass: I don't know as much about Cass as I do the others (I need to read her stuff soon!) but I know she has terrible table manners and likes to sneak into her siblings and close friends apartments to eat their food, use their showers, and sleep. She has her own place, but she much prefers the homes and food of her loved ones. She also apparently didn't even blink at Alfred breaking into her home to stock her shelves with food, do laundry, and clean lol. With this I figure Cass doesn't really cook at all and just does take out, easy to eat meals that can be eaten cold or microwaved, and mooching off her loved ones' cooking and pantries!

[prlssprfctn]

Imagine in the beginning, before Red Hood's goons figure out that he is a baby, they think he is a single dad of a bunch of kids, instead. And it is not like they are wrong, since he does parent all kids of Crime Alley, but they mean not them. They mean Bats, instead.

No one is sure how old Red Hood is. But they saw a single white streak of the hair once, so he is... old, right? And these Batkids, they always hang around him, whining and asking for something - surely, it is his kids? Right? That gotta be it.

Red Hood: Now, back to- Sorry, I need to take a call. Goons: Sure, sir. Red Hood: What... Oh my god, Red. What do you mean, you don't know how to wash the carpet without- Spoiled brat. Okay, listen to me, you first need to get a really hot water... Goons: That's definitely his son being in troubles.

(It was Tim, who accidentally ruined Alfred's favourite carpet. He was in big troubles that day.)

Robin, appearing on the doorstep of Red Hood's den: Scram. I am here to see Hood. Goons, staring at little Damian: Hm-m. Red Hood, pushing them away: Bad day? (Damian wordlessly raising his arms to be picked up by Jason) Okay. It is fine. Goons: Hm-m-M.

Nightwing, whining: You are so boring. Why don't you want to play Twister with us this Sunday? Red Hood, rolling his eyes: Shut up. Goons, overhearing the conversation: Kids, am I right? Red Hood: Huh?

Goons, watching Batman and Red Hood shouting on each other on the rooftop: Hey, do we think Batman is also his kid?.. Goons: (thoughtful pause) Red Hood, completely pissed off by his dad in the meanwhile: I am TIRED of you. Go back to your stupid ass CAVE and think about your behaviour. I don't want to see you AGAIN. Batman: But- Red Hood: OUT OF MY TURF. NOW!!! Goons, staring at Batman, who walks away sulkily: ...HM-M.

Red Hood, staring at the "Best Dad" merch, given him by his goons on his birthday: I am confused. Do they mean kids from Alley, or they view themselves as my kids... What does it mean? Uh. Whatever. It is kinda sweet. Red Hood, on the next day: Thanks, guys. Very thoughtful of you! Goons, high-fiving each other: Sure, boss!

[roppiepop]

Who’s coming to the cookout?

[batfam-stuff-posts-0]

Jason is cooking

Dick: Any chance that’s for me?

Jason: It’s for Tim. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need him on my side against Bruce.

Damian: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

[superbat-love]

Batman Appreciation Post #13

Batman Cooks

Batman Master Collection

[qweenofurheart]

sequel to this

bonus:

[wow-thisismylifeiguess]

I wholly and solidly believe that Bruce can cook. You don’t travel the world the way he did without being able to cook yourself some basic meals when you either can’t go out and get something or don’t currently have the money for it.

So yes, Bruce can cook. Does he cook the most amazing meals in the world? No. But can he cook something edible or something that doesn’t taste like straight up sludge and muck? Absolutely.

I imagine his kids constantly rib on him that he lacks basic survival skills because even if he’s Batman, he’s still a rich kid. And then Bruce sighs and tells Alfred that he’ll handle dinner tonight. The kids all prepare themselves to either not eat for the night or grab some take out, but they still arrive at the dinner table, *just* out of curiosity.

It’s not extravagant. It’s a pot of pasta, a tiny bit over cooked, and meatballs. He even added a tossed salad as a side. They stare at it like it’s going to eat *them*.

Bruce, sits down and makes a plate for himself. Takes a bite. They watch him, waiting for any kind of reaction that it’s bad. Bruce just takes another bite.

Tim, “Fuck it. It can’t kill me.”

He takes a seat and makes his own plate. Takes a bite. His eyes go wide and Dick has 911 ready to dial.

Dick, “Are you okay?”

Tim takes another bite. They all sit and stare and wait.

Tim, “Damn.”

Bruce, “Hm?”

Tim, “You tricked me. Alfred made this, didn’t he? You’re passing his food off as yours.”

Bruce smiles.

Bruce, “While I appreciate the compliment, I can assure you that Alfred had no hand in this. Besides, he’s a much better cook than I am. I just know the basics.”

The others all join in, spaghetti and meatballs on their plates. They all begrudgingly take a bite. And yeah. Tim’s right. It’s good. Not winning any awards, but it’s good home cooked food.

[magnoliasandarson]

Hunger

The reason Jason always has enough food to feed his siblings is that he has food insecurity from being homeless.

I keep seeing those cutesy stories where he cooks for the Batkids, and the thought just hit me. He always has enough now because he didn't then.

He remembers dumpster diving for rotten food. He had been fighting the effects of chronic malnutrition until they dumped him in the Lazarus Pit. Jason Todd feeds everyone, because no one fed him.

[justiceiscalling]

wild opinion i know people will hate me for: i strongly dislike alfred pennyworth. i know what you’re thinking, “how could you hate him! alfred does no wrong!!!”

(loud incorrect buzzer) WRONG. omg, alfred can only do wrong in my mind. he is such a fucking enabler and then he wants to play devils advocate. recently, before starting ‘what the future holds’ i reread robin 1993—specifically tim’s birthday arc.

if you don’t know what that is i’ll tell you. on tim’s sixteenth someone delivers a package which is a holographic message from a future-alfred essentially telling him someone in the batfam is, like, evil, and trusting him to figure it out. eventually it’s revealed that the message was a test, part of bruce’s training, and ‘future’ alfred was actually just current alfred. it was a really good read, i believe it was issues #116-120.

point is, alfred WILLING sided with bruce on that shit. alfred was not held at gun point, his life was not under any threat, he was asked to assist and he. did. that. shit.

and after he had the audacity to be apologetic! ‘i’m so sorry master tim’ like no tf ur not???? like u did this, you allowed him to feel like everything was HIS responsibility and like he couldn’t trust anyone. which is just so fucked up on another level. he watched tim isolate himself and beat himself up over trying to solve this and he?? just?? let?? it?? happen???

and some how he can do no wrong?????

when tim first became robin, who gave him the suit? i’m pretty sure it was alfred. yes, tim was a relentless little kid—but that’s just that. he was a fucking kid, no older than thirteen. alfred gave him the suit. sure, it was to save bruce, but why did it have to be him? why couldn’t he call dick or superman or, hell, go out there himself? why’d it have to be the nosy ass neighbor?

also when bruce and dick used to beat the shit out of each other alfred didn’t do anything. he lowkey just let it happen. like how much is bruce paying bro for him to let that slide?

ALSO ALSO i would love someone to correct me on this, PLEASE tell me i’m wrong, but wasn’t alfred the one who put up the good soldier memorial? everyone hates on bruce (who, in a lot of ways, is a bad father) for that memorial being up but it was alfred. and i get he was but jason wasn’t just robin, he was so much more. and most importantly, he was a son. i know things were rocky for him and bruce but, god, that’s his son! like what the genuine fuck, yk?

and maybe this is only in some iterations but alfred literally influenced bruce to train to be a vigilante. he trained him when he was young, after his parents deaths. and yes, he was another one of those relentless kids, but there were things alfred could’ve tried to stop him from doing this.

what i’m trying to say is, im so fucking tired of this ‘saint alfred’ BS. he’s in the wrong! maybe not all of the time but a lot of the time. and i don’t know if that ‘jason loves alfred the most!’ thing is fanon or canon but either way i hate it. if you’re going to make bruce a bad dad, if you’re making jason and bruce’s relationship rocky, then alfred can’t be the exception. he should be held accountable as much as bruce.

like, if jason loved alfred so much and saw him as a grandfather, why isn’t he pissed at alfred for not killing the joker. sure he wanted bruce to do it but after bruce didn’t, why didn’t alfred take it into his own hands? alfred has no problems with killing people who deserve it. he was a soldier for crying out loud!

if jason and alfred are as close as fanon claims then jason should be beefing with alfred as much as he does with bruce for not avenging him.

okay, this turned into a rant about jason and alfred’s annoying fanon relationship but you get my point.

i don’t hate alfred, i hate fanon alfred and i hate this fandom and how they love to hold bruce accountable for wrongs that lowkey could be alfred’s fault too. and i also hate that’s it’s so hard to dislike alfred because people will yell at you for it. in my fics i try to keep him as out of it as i can because god forbid i make him how he is in the comics.

alfred is a flawed character—just like bruce and jason and tim and dick and damian and duke—and that’s okay! it’s better when they’re not so one dimensional, it makes them way more interesting as a character and also allows fanon to create perfect character development over the span of long ass fics that i love to binge.

thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[laffynit]

SAT in two weeks ☹️☹️

Yeah it’s another panel redraw

[bruciemilf]

Bruce who has no idea how terrifying he actually is.

Tim one day decides that his boredom overrides his siblings' need for peace and quiet. So, like the little agent of chaos he is, he brings up the dreaded question.

"In your unbiased opinion, who's the strongest in the family?"

Immediately all of them go, "Cass." She's smiling shyly about it, but there's a silver of assured confidence in there.n

Tim sighs. Fine. Too easy. " Okay, maybe that narrows it down. Who's most dangerous? I vote Dick."

Dick doesn't even need to think about it. "Aw, thanks, Timmy! I think I'm gonna go with Ja--" Damian's holding a dangerously sharp pencil to his windpipe. "Dami. Of course it's Damian."

Jason scoffs, "Clearly, it's me. That's like, my whole thing remember? I'm the violent robin--"

"Todd, we all know you gave stickers and cartoon bandages to every Rogue you had to arrest. You had gumball smoke bombs." Jason's 100% turning red and Tim is so gonna tease later.

"Besides, both you and Grayson are wrong."

Damian? Giving someone else credit? That, they have to hear. "Who is it, then?"

"It's Baba, obviously."

Jason breaks in a fit of laughter, alongside them. "Oh come on! Bruce? Bruce, who bakes awful vegan cupcakes for the PTA? He literally starts crying everytime we watch Toy Story 3."

"Because the unethical treatment within prison complexes and unfair labor laws forced upon inamtes parallels gets to him! Nevertheless. Baba could defeat mother. What makes you think he'd have a hard time with you?"

Dick snorts, " I think you're being a bit biased,--"

Damian throws a batarang at Bruce, slicing through the air with a quickness.

Their dad is reading reports, but not only does he evade it, sends it back with venomous speed. Right next to Damian's cheek. A purposeful missed shot.

Later, after they recovered from that whiplash, they ask Bruce the same question, and he of course goes with the most logical answer, " Alfred. But I think any of you could defeat me easily."

That doesn't make them feel better at all.

[prlssprfctn]

I think we don't talk nearly enough about this part of UTRH. I think we don't give nearly as much thought to this moment as we should. Because this declaration ("I am no one's son") is not dramatics, not another hyperbolised, theatrical line Jason loves to throw at his opponent. This is a desperate acceptance.

Because in a way, before his death, Jason's journey essentially was about finding a family; a parent, who cares, who loves. All he did as a Robin, he did it for love. He took the cape not because he was seeking revenge, not because of the necessity or a sense of rightness — first and foremost, he took the mantle for love. I said that once or twice there, but it is my favourite way to simplify the whole thing: Robin gave Jason magic, and magic in its core (for him) was safety and loving dad.

So, in a way, Jason (as a Greek character, if you squint) had his own journey from the beginning; a one that seemed fulfilled, once Bruce took him in. And then shit hit the fan, and he lost that in a way. That is where he goes in an adventure to find his mother, to become someone's son again. He finds his mother, he finds Sheila — except, everything goes wrong again, and she turns her back on him.

And then the journey ends. And Jason is back after many years.

And that's what he gets out of it. Accepts bitterly.

He is no one's son. And he hadn't been anyone's since Catherine Todd died.

[mointeen]

I just got this idea during class but, Taking the whole “Lazarus water is crack to ghosts”-

Okay here me out, in the ghost zone there’s barely any food or water that isn’t bland ectoplasm from the environment, sure it’s made of emotions of the living and dead but that’s just like different flavors of water. And ghosts are TIRED of it, like how are you gonna gain ghost powers but no different foods.

Sure ghosts can eat human food but they can’t taste or process it, just feels like chewing paste. But after an accident with a natural portal spewing out ecto-water into a random dimension, Ghosts find out that if you leave it to rot nearby humans, it changes flavor!!!

But not just any flavor, ALCOHOL!!!!! too bad a couple of ghosts forgot what era they left their pit in the mountains.

[unacknowledgeable]

SK!Reader hanging with Gordon

Something fun for the Brain worms while I’m writing rn lol

Gordon: How was your sleepover with Babs? She didn't really tell me much when she got home, haha 

y/n: What? I'm not friends with Barbara, I'm friends with you??

Gordon: ‘BLUESCREENING’ Oh god I befriended another 8 year old??

y/n: Tf do you mean another???

(thus proceeds the conversation of Reader explaining how Barbara is Dicks, Cass, or Stephs friend, not theirs, and Gordon having an ‘if I had a nickel’ Dr. Doof moment)

[gothamite-rambler]

Jason Todd giving an inspirational speech

Red Hood: Look if you had... one shot... or one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted, that one moment... Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?

Red Robin: Is he quoting the lyrics to an Eminem song?

Nightwing: He memorized it for if he ever had to give a speech.

Red Hood: I knew this man who was in a heated battle, his palms were sweaty, his knees weak, arms heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti!

Wally: This is a good speech.

Nightwing: Oh my God.

Red Hood: He was nervous, but on the surface he looked calm and ready to drop bombs, metaphorically speaking, but he keeps on forgetting-

Red Robin: Would you stop quoting the song?!

Red Hood: I'm getting to the best part!

[confessedlyfannish]

DP x DC Prompt

Batman grunts a greeting at the boy Selena has introduced as "Danny" as if it's totally normal for a kid to be hanging out on a rooftop with her, kicking his legs out above the edge as if he's not 20 stories up.

Selena shares an equally amused glance with Danny that has Batman scowling harder than his usual as the boy gets up, stretching out from his hunch to reveal a 6 foot 2 build not unlike Jason's.

"Wow, spot on," Danny whistles, grinning at Selena. "I owe you a twenty."

"Darling," Selena purrs, hand finding purchase on his upper bicep. "I never exaggerate."

"Looks like Catwoman's got a new scratching post, B," Nightwing cackles in his comm, which is probably why Batman finds himself gritting out a--

"Little young for you, isn't he?"

The kid--in a hoodie and jeans, seriously, where did Selena find this guy--stares at him incredulously before his mouth stretches into an uncomfortably wide grin, revealing fairly sharp canines. He strides forward.

"What can I say, Mr. The Batman," he says, placing a hand on the man's shoulder. He must be around the same age as Dick. "I've got a thing for powerful women in black."

"See you for dinner tomorrow Lena," he says, hand lifted in farewell as he heads for the edge. He pushes himself over the wall with one hand, dropping over.

Batman clocks Selena's lack of alarm and doesn't flinch. Thirteen seconds later, there's no resounding thud when Danny's body would've met the pavement and she's still smirking at him.

"No metas in Gotham," he growls.

Selena throws her head back and laughs. "If I see any, I'll be sure to call. Now," she kisses his cheek, "I better go. I've got a date tomorrow."