#AND it'll get you right in the feels
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IM GOING TO PUNCH A HOLE IN SOMEONES CAR
#WHAT THE FUCK MAN#caps#you're not evil dont worry I love you#BUT WHAT THE FUCK. I feel like sisyphus now#if I just blow my nose again it'll be clear right. right guys. if I get the mucus out I can breathe#IM GONNA BE ILLL IM SO ANGRY
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tarpit site.
#personal#delete later#for context a tweet i made in the middle of the night blew the fuck up and brought the attention of anime fans who've been#harassing and hassling me about my big factual blunder for an entire day straight#âok i'll apologizeâ âbro it's not that serious.â#âyou're right it's not that seriousâ âwhy won't you just admit that you're wrong and apologize!â#i'm not going crazy right. i feel like i'm getting manipulated into thinking i must've been wrong#it's crazy how twitter hate will trick you into believing saying something someone else disagrees with is a moral failing#sorry i haven't seen frieren i guess but what's it to you. i wasn't making a claim or statement#also because nobody has gotten this in the original post i wasn't talking about the quality of animation i'm talking about solid drawing#which is a very specific principle of animation. dandandan has really good solid drawing wherein all the characters are animated#with realistic and proportional 3d depth. newsflash but trigger doesn't prioritize solid drawing in their animation and that's fine#it's an aesthetic choice and has ties to production limits. none of this is a big deal. this is all so stupid lol#i've dealt with worse and more annoying weebs though it's fine i'll put on my clown nose twitter needs their stupid guy for the day#oh btw at the end of the day this doesn't matter. it'll be over by tomorrow. all that's happening is petty angry emotions.#so please don't involve yourself by jumping into the argument and prolonging this shit#i'm about to go on a date with tulli after being apart for a month this is the furtherest thing from my mind rn
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Okay but it's super interesting how
Din = Power = Ganondorf
Naryu = Wisdom = Zelda
Farore = Courage = Link.
Because Din, in the hylian creation myth, created the physical world. Naryu then created the laws - gravity, time, etc. And Farore finally created life - plants and people.
Din created the body, naryu the mind, Farore the soul.
And the triforce and its wielders so perfectly reflect that.
Ganon is physical power, he is big and intimidating and he breaks things. He is cunning and determined, but that's not what he focuses on. He is might makes right.
Zelda is wisdom and cleverness. She is stall tactics and information and team work. She is a powerful mage with a spine of steel, but that's not how she'll win. She is the pen being mightier than the sword.
Link is courage and persistence. He is the wild card sneaking behind enemy ranks, always moving, plunging into terrifying situations head first. He's a phenomenal fighter with a keen wit, but that's not what will get him through his challenges. He is bravery not being the absence of fear but the triumph over it.
They sit in perfect parallels to each other.
And ganon is reborn through his body - his resurrection is immortality. No matter how low he is cast, as long as he has a body he can claw his way back. He can cling to his power, build it ever higher.
Zelda is reborn through the magic of her bloodline. It's the accumulated knowledge handed down for generations, the unique power she must master, the skills she must develop to survive and get her kingdom out the other side intact. Even her name, the knowledge of herself, is handed down from all the way from the very first. Her ancestors knowledge of her future presence, her stability, is what gives her the edge.
Link is reborn in spirit. He is not bound by flesh or blood. Just like his wanderlust soul he can reappear in any time or place. His variation, his unpredictability, is exactly how he fights. It's what makes him so hard to pin down.
Ganons need to build strength means he can't chase after link. Links impulsiveness means zelda can outwit him. Zeldas stationary predictability means she's an easy target for ganon.
But the other direction?
Fire melts ice, ice redirects lightning, lightning burns fire.
And that's the very essence of the triforce.
#It's little details spread across the games like this that just makes it work so WELL it's SO COOL#They're all great at all parts of the triforce but they CHOOSE to focus on the path most meaningful to them#And that's literally reflected in their unique cycles of reincarnation isn't that just AMAZING#And that's why the team up is so important! If they were all working against each other they'd be locked spinning their wheels#If zelda and ganon teamed up link would immediately die and if link and ganon teamed up zelda would instantly perish#It's the link zelda team up that means ganon is the one who kicks it#Also the elemental thing was cool but they do jump around a bit. Like wind is there half the time#In botk the gerudo have lightning and the goron have fire. Farosh still has lightning tho and dinraal fire#In ss lanaryu was the lightning and faron had water like its all over the place thematically. And that's when it's only 3!#Don't even get me started on the 5/7 lots notankyu#But that's the most common group and it's also thematically accurate#Fire being the only one able to self perpetuate with fuel. Can be banked up again. Ice compresses with time but needs the right environment#Lightning go boom đ you can feel the static in the air but you don't know when/where it'll strike and then it's all over#Like fr it's hilarious zelda and ganon are playing the long game and link runs past eats all the pieces and while ganons yelling after him#Zelda checkmates his king. And nobody can prove she wasn't cheating because nobody was looking lmao#Ah the duality of metaphors#ANYWAY isn't that so neat???#Reason no.372 why rhoam was a terrible king he didn't just screw up he did it âšthematicallyâš#If link had been allowed to run off and get dirty and if zelda was allowed to study her interest (like post kingdom fall FOR EXAMPLE)#They'd have won (like aoc) but nooooooo. I've already made a post (or 3) about it lmao I'll be quiet now#loz#legend of zelda#botw#triforce#loz link#the legend of zelda#zelda#loz botw#ganondorf#loz ganon
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Look, the bottom line is this. You're gonna be wrong and fuck up sometimes, that's just how being human works. No matter what you mean or how much you care, sometimes, you're gonna do something or say something that hurts someone or perpetuates bigotry you don't believe in.
The goal isn't to do no wrong, that's an impossible standard. The mark of "a good person" isn't that they always do good, it's that they're willing to admit when they've failed, done wrong, made a mistake, and they're willing to course-correct when they do.
It's important that you're trying. It's okay to be the bad guy. You don't need to get defensive, you don't need to stake your identity in "person who never does that kind of wrong." You just gotta be able to say "Fuck, my bad, I'm sorry," accept that your behavior didn't reflect your beliefs, and change your behavior so that it better represents who you mean to be.
The less time you spend lingering on whether it feels like people believe you are who you say you are, the more time you can spend getting better at being that person.
Some people will try to tear you down when you make mistakes, they'll try to pigeonhole you as a "bad person," someone whose very existence is defined by doing harm. This isn't your problem, and it's not your responsibility to prove anything to them. They don't have to believe you, and you don't have to appease them. So long as you're willing to accept when you *do* hurt someone, intentional or not, and you're willng to put in the effort to make reparations and change, you'll never "be a bad person."
Let yourself fuck up. All you have to do is course-correct when you notice your actions' impact have strayed from your intentions. The right people will notice that effort, and they'll be proud of you. And perhaps most importantly of all, they'll let you make that effort. Anyone who tells you it's too late to change, to discourage you from improving, or stop you from trying, is not your frend. You don't have to impress them. Ignore them, and let yourself change.
#I didn't manage to say it in the main text so you get it in the PS tag ramble#When you hurt someone by mistakeâ it's okay to feel bad and scared and want to make sure they understand you didn't mean it#But you need to set that aside for the moment. You need to let it be about the other person's hurt.#You can ask other people for support with your feelingsâ they don't make you a âbad personââ but they're not appropriate to put on the#hurt party. When you accept that you can fix your mistakes and that you're allowed to be upset toâ it gets less scary to make them#You know there's a protocol for thisâ and so long as you keep it together enough to follow itâ you can mitigate the harm and fix things.#Don't get defensive. As tumblr saysâ that's the devil talking. Defensive is never the right move when someone says you fucked up/hurt them#You can maintain that it was a mistakeâ but keep that part short and sweet. Let them be hurtâ let it be you that hurt them. It's hard but#I promise it'll make it better in the long run. People are more likely to forgive you if you let them be angry at you for hurting them.#It's normal to be upset when you hurt someone. It's normal to be upset when someone hurts you. These can and must coexist.#Let them be upset at youâ apologize sincerelyâ and no more than three to five times. Let it be about them. It can be about you#with othersâ and when they've cooled down and approached you with a willingness to hear your side of things.#Sometimes you'll have to just sit with the feeling of having been wrong or seen as a hurtful person. It sucksâ but i promise#it sucks so much worse when someone who hurt you is more focused on whether you hate them than if you're okay. Let them be upset#It'll be okay. I love you#mumblr#problemnyatic thoughts
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#this is one of my favorite pokĂ©mon of ALL time. this is one of those pokĂ©mon that#when it first came outâ i had such a Visceral reaction to. i couldn't get over this fucking dog. and i still can't#THEY CAN'T FUCKING SEE!!!!!! AHJGSAKDGASJGDSKCGAJVCKABCKB#i love it SO much it's so fucking. cute. it's so fucking cute. so happy to see that blue haired bitch in the sv dlc having one#DAS IST MEIN BABY. I LOVE IT. lord this is the best. gushing over this dog#while also listening to discO-zone for the first time in a Long time#which is one of my favorite albums of all time. right next to probably vylet pony's cutiemarks and the things that bind us#and burn pygmalion from the scary jokes#there you go. there's my music taste lain out flat. kinda all over the place but discO-zone is one of those that i've loved since i was#a real youngin. and i just rediscovered it last night and UUUUUUUGGHHHH IT'S SO GOOD#MUSIC!!!! AND DOGS. feeling GOOD this morning#by the time this postsâ it'll be like. two weeks later. but past me was feeling great when she posted this#about to start shiny hunting pawniard for a friend's birthday. technically getting eggs as i write this#wish me luuuuck..! it'll probably be his birthday by the time this posts. lemme check#oh yeah this is gonna post two days After his birthday. hopefully by the time this goes up i've already got the pawniard#HI FORGOT TO TAG THIS ONE#hisuian growlithe#hi from the future again lol his birthday was like a month ago by this point because i ended up queueing up this guy before all the gmax#forms. i totally forgot them. and this whole time i've been queuing them up and shoving them Above this guy. so it was even longer ago#that i queued this guy up at this point. teehee!
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Honestly the funniest thing about TDP to me is that Rayla for some reason always thinks Callum isn't 100% ride-or-die with her on any given situation. Seriously, she could decide she's jumping off a cliff and he'd do it too--oh wait.
I get that half of it is 'protecting' him but like. Girl he has been ready to die and kill for you since the first snake chain incident. It has not lightened up since. In fact its gotten worse. She's his special little guy and if anything happens to her he will kill everyone in the room and then himself. She physically cannot ever sacrifice herself for anyone because Callum WILL be following her straight into the afterlife in no less than a minute. I'm fully convinced he can and would go even further than Claudia and he'd barely have to think on it for five seconds before shrugging like "damn this sucks, can't believe I have to turn evil" "you literally don't have to--" "no I'm gonna"
And honestly I think that's peak teenagers first girlfriend behavior.
#tdp#the dragon prince#tdp rayla#tdp callum#text post#tdp season 5#rayllum#talk#funny#its so funny to me girl he would KILL EVERYONE FOR YOU (except ez)#HOW WERE YOU SURPRISED HE WAS SO DEAD SET ON HELPING YOUR PARENTS ITS CALLUM#not only that bestie you could put the blade to his throat & he would let you. he wouldnt even fight he'd just let you#he would go so feral for you. release his chains. free him.#he wouldnt say 'please let me kill for you' but he would dramaticaly get on 1 knee & say 'rayla i would kill for you if it came down to it'#as if he wouldnt just do that if someone pushed him enough. i want someone to push his buttons enough. set him off it'll b funny#absence did make the heart grow fonder but i think he overdozed a bit. like just a smidge. theres like way too much fondness now#also its great bc MMMMM how do those callum & viren/claudia parallels FEEL BOYS#WILL DO ANYTHING FOR FAMILY SO TRUE. and also communication issues BUT MOSTLY THE SACRIFICE#hes the number 1 rayla defender. he supports her rights AND her wrongs
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"She had us in just two words"
#epic the musical#epic the circe saga#circe#had to reupload cuz I hated how it looked on tumblr#half of my pigs lost just like that đ#itâs been so long since Iâve been active on tumblr that I forgot the right image size to upload#plus I'm still trying to get used to procreate#so every draw may look weirdly compressed for a while sorry bot that#anyways let me complain again how much I hate to paint cuz it always ruin my art#my lineart was hella cute but I donât feel it anymore#anyways is it obvious that I was inspired by wright barker's circe for this one?#except his colors are sweet demure and very mindful#meanwhile my colors are always on a 100 percent of saturation to make sure everyobdy's eyes will hurt when they look at it#i like to call it a medusa painting style#if you look directly at it it'll turn you to stone
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shep I was talking to my brother about dbhc xisuma as one does and mentioned that ask about not being able to puzzle xisuma's face together mentally and my brother joked that the reason you put the spoiler bars and such on his face is cause you cant draw his whole face yet đ
anyway I might have talked his ear off about dbhc idk tho lmao
LMAOO NOOOO!!! MY SECRET FINALLY IS OUT!!! /silly
#HEHE thats rly fun though i hope your brother is enjoying the osmosis XD#truthfully... drawing xisuma's face is still really difficult for me... bc he's always like. the character whose personality and character#like. comes from the fact that we never see his face? and so there's something about him that feels more... right when his face is just.#a mystery#but i DO have a facecanon for him. esp for dbhc bc its important. even if when i think Xisuma i don't think of his face the way i might whe#I think of other characters. that isn't the reason why I spoiler it though XD when we get the face reveal it'll be obvious enough. i hope#LMAO.#anyway#idk like#some of the first sketches i did of Xisuma's face will still be my favorites tbh#it's hard to capture the same energy of a rough sketch when you try to sharpen those soft edges into a clean picture yknow?#i HAVE gotten better at it though.... square-ish face but soft on the edges... kind blue eyes... hair always tied back tightly and neatly#idk. i think about him a LOT#especially lately but we knew this hehehe#i think he deserves to take the helmet off every once and a while and just. breathe and get out of his own head yknow#i think he gets better at it in s9 even if he only takes it off around people he really trusts (keralis and cleo)#not that doc hasnt seen him or that he distrusts doc but... well. that whole relationship is a work in progress since season 8 was. well#anyway im really and truly rambling <3#xisumas face is both an enigma to me and a soft sturdy shape in my brain... its hard to replicate consistently but those doodles are#just for me anyway =w= <3#(and a few select others. who Know. you know who you are)
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There are a lot of great moments and panels in HGSN but my absolute favourite would have to be
He's not trying to think rationally, he doesn't try to play dumb or brush it off. All he can think of is this echoing question and all he can feel is fear. It's kill or be killed, this is going to change his reality in a way he's not ready for and he cannot take that chance. He's just a boy, why can't he just be a boy for a little while longer?
#The Summer Hikaru Died#like I could feel my heart racing too#Have you ever been asked if you're gay by someone in school when it's just you two and you're scared for your life that you've been caught#and it'll spread round the school and you'll get suspended and your parents will find out and your reality will be shattered#And you were so careful it's not fair you've done everything right#WAH#Manga Talk#hikaru ga shinda natsu
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Hello! I just discovered your blog and I immediately became captivated by your webcomic, but I'm unsure where to read all of it. I know it's on Webtoons, but I can see it hasn't been updated for a while, and you still post about it.
Are your physical novels just prints of the webcomic? Are they a continuation? Is the story complete? Thanks in advance!
Hi there!
Glad you found me and are enjoying my comic!
It's only on webtoons, and the story is not complete yet! We're 2/3 of the way through right now. It's currently on hiatus, and it's scheduled to come back in about 2 months!
I'll explain why it's been so long if you're curious, but also for my followers who might also be wondering about it under the cut. Sorry, it's pretty much just me complaining haha
I took a month off I took 2 months to get the books printed I took a month to prepare my next comic and I took 2 months to write the rest of the series (I knew the character arcs I wanted, but not the time periods or mysteries!!!) I've been working on actual episodes since then
I had to take some time off because of some pretty extreme burnout due to the sheer amount of work it was to draw over 800 pages and write 6 complete stories in a year and a half... I was getting sick almost weekly due to the overwork, it was really really bad honestly. I was having to work 60+ hours every week just to keep up...
The nature of the comic itself is also difficult... Each of the arcs is a complete, self contained story which can be read (ideally) without context, and my arcs need to be about 10-13 episodes each... And since I have an exact number of episodes to work with, it's even harder.
It takes a ton of planning and a ton of refinement, and working week to week with no breaks I was forced to put out second or even first drafts, so I just wasn't happy with the work I was doing... And to do that for the rest of the series? I wouldn't be proud of the work I did.
Plus... To be entirely honest, webtoon has treated me quite badly IN MY OPINION... They deprioritized me before I launched (I had to beg for more promotion, I'm not exaggerating), they outright denied me the opportunity to even ask for a raise, I don't make any money on fast pass and they pay me less than my partner makes working at trader joes. My first editor left me completely hanging, my second editor (who I loved) was fired... And they told me I wouldn't get a third season before my first season even finished. So it was just repeatedly completely demoralizing.
I'm sorry it has taken so long, it'll have been 10 months by the time I come back. But I realized... I won't get promotion either way. I won't get more episodes either way. I won't get more money either way. So to finish everything, to make it feel good, to make it something I'm proud of, I chose to take longer to make it better.
I am fully aware I will lose a significant amount of my readership for this and it might genuinely affect my career moving forward. But it's what I had to do! So I'm sticking to my guns on it, and I'm confident long term it'll be worth it. It never could have been this good if I didn't take this much time.
#asks#steakandpeanutbuttersandwiches#I'm SO sorry youre new and you asked me such a benign question and I responded with... this... LMAO#I swear to god I tried to make it as short as possible#theres just a lot auauuaghkhgjk#basically. way too much work. not enough money.#so it either is gonna be good and take longer or be worse but come back faster#and I chose to take longer#so.#I'm really sorry and I wish that this decision didn't also come with the... pretty much guarantee that it will negatively impact my career.#I will lose readers. I will lose potential readers for my future work. it looks bad on me as a creator to take such a big break. etc. etc.#but it's good. it's so good. you have to trust me it's like the best stuff Ive ever written#it. ok well to be honest#it'll probably feel extremely simple and extremely natural#but it's been SO much work LMAO#I am not exaggerating I have written over 200 pages of scapped ideas to get to where it is#I'm sure it won't make sense why it took so long while reading but you gotta trust me LMAO#ideally it doesnt even 'feel' different right. cause its gotta be cohesive with the whole thing#but there is SO MUCH TO WRAP UP#THERES SO MUCH#and to make that feel natural in this little space oh my GOD it is so hard#ok omfg I'm doing it again I'm going on way too long again IM SO SORRY#YOURE NEW HERE AND IM DOING THIS IMMEDIATELy#this is like 90% for my followers who I know are curious about this and I'm just using you as a jumping off point to talk about it#cause I don't really like to make standalone posts very often#I likely will make some kind of official announcement about it when the date is extremely set in stone#right now I think it's still only tentatively scheduled so it could still change#and I'll say something more... refined and restrained... then.#but for now this is like. actually everything. I think#I'm sure I forgot something but whatever lmfao
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Alright, here we go again. I'm sorry that you all want to feel righteous and just but not voting or voting third party is only going to make everything worse. Of course the dems are fucked up politicians too but if you are going to just not vote for anyone bc of the genocide, then you are voting indirectly for that orange fucker to be back in office. And not only is he for the genocide in Palestine, he is for various other types of genocide and other egregious behaviors as we've seen.
#if both parties are terrible regarding the genocide then you have to look at their other talking points#kamala harris is still less crooked than trump#she is the first step in moving forward#regardless of her shitty points on the genocide she is still a democrat and it'll be easier to get other dems/leftists into office#if you want things to change you have to vote for the lesser of the two evils#i know you all want to stew in your righteousness but that isn't going to get you where you want to be#there are other things that are also important like acknowledging climate change and being pro abortion and keeping lgbtq+ rights#and we all know how donald trump feels about those points#kfi txt#kamala harris#joe biden#donald trump#politics
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Me when the BuckTommy fics I read turn into Buddie fics
I'm as much of a Buddie shipper as the next guy. I've been here since DAY ONE. Me and my mom wait patiently each week for these gay firefighters to kiss.
Now I'm not saying cut Eddie out. In fact, I'm saying cut Tommy in. MORE POLY FIREFIGHTER FICS. Get my boy and boy and boy in there. Let them fuck.
#911 abc#bucktommy#buddie#buddie is ENDGAME FOR SURE#but in the meantime let's enjoy AND LET BUCK ENJOY HAVING A HOT BOYFRIEND#get in here with jealous eddie and give him TWO BOYFRIENDS#guys I feel like you're missing it#let Tommy RUIN these idiots by showing them gay they don't even KNOW about gay these silly boys#it'll be fun it'll be sexy what's better than 2 gay firefighters? I'll tell you right now it's THREE GAY FIREFIGHTERS#we've had our buddie fics for YEARS and we'll have them for YEARS to come let's enjoy Tommy while he's here LET THEM ALL KISS
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A lot of early concept stuff was expression/pose brainstorming - thereâs the classic six Webkinz emotions (which, I learned have been largely pared down to just four after a point! Since they got rid of Dr. Quackâs role, thereâs no more âsickâ expression and most âKinzâ tired and sad expressions are the same! >:0 Whatâs the point of having an easily editable puppet with the spaghetti code intact that you have to put an image there AnyWay and not make a slightly different expression!! Hâf) as well as the main Sakura poses - so if Iâm already making up expressions, why no go a little further! :D
One of the expressions I definitely needed up top was Mischievous - working with a cat, thatâs the only logical conclusion really. I think itâs funny that she swerves the compliment only to pay it right back as well lol
The ticklish expression is one Iâm still going back and forth on! Iâm half tempted to have it be somewhere between happy and angry - maybe a mood gradient, starting out just positive and slowly moving into âHey stop! >:0âł if itâs too many times in a row? Itâs a thought haha
Similarly so, messing with her ears - bothering your pets is a very important element of socialization (lol)
As seen above, Iâd reallyyy like to figure a way to have a dual-visual mood system - both the âKinz body language/expression/emotion and a more exact stat bar. Iâm still chewing on this idea a bit, no pun intended lol. That and click-and-drag with an actual image you can drag around your screen, hm and hm! Much to think about. Her face here turned out cute and funny haha, helped me push the expression more comedic
Much better :) Webkinz already has some well-known food dialogue, my favourite is probably âMmm to the mmmax!â haha
Each low-mood would have their own emotion tied to it, but what about somewhere in the middle? I like the idea of the âKinz getting bored if theyâre left alone for too long! And little paw taps, showing off her embroidered paw pad haha âȘ
#Doodles#Webkinz#Diamond#Ghostkinz#Ukadevlog#Diamond makes for an excellent concept art model#But y'already knew that haha she's featured a few times now! Plush or digital she's so cute#Of course these were made before her vectors! Had to start traditionally first and foremost!#All the bluesky stage so let's! see! what makes it to coding it lol#Some of these I even know how to do! :D The rest uhh we'll see :)#For now it's just the fun of Ideas >:3c Strong creative ideas cannot be fettered by realism! Lol#It'll be fun to see what makes it all the way to final! Heck I don't even know how much of what Actually Currently Finished will stay haha#I considered having the extra doodles under a cut but ehhh it's a cheat week it's fiiine it's not a big deal#How are we feeling on these mostly-unedited doodles haha - they're not too bad I think :)#The little intro in the first one haha - I went with my current in-game name even tho I use ''Willian'' for all my Ghosts this one included#It's a WillPlays but also not?? It's fine don't worry about it lol#Since pets are so centrally featured I gotta make sure they're good ahh#Smol actually came up with a great idea for face-clicks that aren't punches :3c So I'm gonna try that out sometime hehehe#It doesn't feel right to punch a 'Kinz! :'0 Bothering them is fine tho lol#So far I've thought up some ways to intentionally drop Happiness and Energy but I think Hunger would just have to be a waiting game#Maybe an activity of some kind? Not sure hmm#Anyway don't intentionally try to make your 'Kinz sick just to see the cute/sad blinking animations! That's mean!#(Do it I made the blinking animation soooo hard so every time they blink it's like she's struggling to keep them open ahhh)#I had the idea to have a run-away system if they're mistreated but hmmm dunno yet not sure#It really is fun to think of a more in-depth pet system âȘ I really like the many many features Webkinz Classic has!#The wide selection of pets and items and the room and clothes customization and games and like - there's a lot on offer!!#But it does really feel like the Interactions With Your Online/Plush Pet have fallen wayyy to the wayside :(#There's only extremely sparse locations you can even talk /to/ your pet anymore :( Not just as them like an avatar#I remember chatting with Sugar every time I logged on - I have to join a specific timed event just to wish Embroidery good luck anymore#Getting to chat is a big big reason I'm excited for this <3 It's /fun/ to chat with your plush! It makes them more real <3
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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Hi, Matt. I see you're still mad about the predstrogen thing, given how you're very obviously taking it out on every trans woman on tumblr.
Glad to see you're handling it like a grown adult! For a while there, we were all worried you'd go on some huge tirade banning everyone who ever disagreed with you or something- wait, ohhhhhhh no ohh fuck man oh good heavens this just won't do
#problemnyatic thoughts#ohhhh you wanna GET me ohhh i'm jingling so bannably in front of you in my little jester hat oooooo right in front of everyone matt ohhhh#you gonna get me? you gonna do something about it punk?#Go on and confirm everyone's suspicions. Pull the pin on this one Mat it'll feel SOOOOOO good trust me#:3
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thinking about the person i could have been if i tried a little harder to find my own way
#probably the thing i am resenting my parents for right now is how good they were at convincing me#not to pursue any career paths other than the ones they laid out#every time i was like hey this seems interesting should i check it out? they would be so quick with the#do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it? to do it for your whole working life?#and obviously 8 yo 12 yo 14 yo 17 yo 18 yo me would get terrified and go no sorry and just not look into anything further#supposedly this is the safe option but everything i do feels meaningless#all of the jobs in this field seem meaningless#the job market in this field right now is dog shit and I'm fighting like hell for positions that just make me sad to think about#but every time i think hey what if i tried another thing#now my brain shuts me down with the do you care enough about it to stake your livelihood on it#your whole life on it#and the answer is no and it's gonna be no for a long time i bet#don't know if I'll ever find my way out of it#told my roommate's boyfriend about my general dispassion for pretty much everything in life#he asked me if I'm even a person#which feels very true#i feel like this path I've followed if i keep following it#I'm not going to be a person i can be proud of#i know it's really early in my life to say but#idk if it's nature or nurture or my own damn fault but all the ambition has been weaned out of me and I've been getting just surviving#i just wish i got told more you can be whatever you want to be :)#instead of whatever you'll do you'll be good at so do what makes money and push your hobbies to the side you can do them after you retire#your mom likes this and you're good at it so you'll like it too it'll make you money this is the best thing#the other thing is harder and doesn't make as much money don't do that you won't like it that much i bet#when i was younger#maybe I'd be struggling more but I'd be really happy and fulfilled#or maybe this is genuinely the best timeline and eggs who tried to pursue art hates it now#maybe I'd be really stupid at all the other things i gave a passing glance at#eggsistential speaks#tag rant
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