#A more or less exact description of what I see in my close environment... What is yours?

[just-whatever-ig]

I really enjoyed our last poem, so here I am writing yet another one for you @hikime

There is a sound in my ears

A distant song

A feeble melody

dresses and colorful ribbons

a market

laughter

But Alas! you are gone

An engine took your place

Why do you leave me

You were a charm to my ears

Now you are nothing less than

A memory between the rustling branches of a tree

[bilgisticallykosher]

Don't Jump To Conclusions

TS g/t one-shots

I'm in a Sanders Sides g/t server, and sometimes we take scenarios and write on them. I've written a fair amount of stuff on there, myself, and I decided to collect my stuff, and clean it up. This was partially written by @borrowedblue and @andtheyreonfire

Happy birthday, Vel!

Masterpost | AO3

My Discord, not to be confused with the above g/t Sanders Sides one.

Word count: 3,300

Warnings: Spiders! Spider, anyway. Sentient beings sold as pets, attempting restriction of said beings, mentions of bites, implied past abuse/bad treatment.

-----

Virgil was out shopping. Not for groceries or clothing; he was at a pet store, shopping for supplies for his, let's say, pets. Okay, technically they weren't pets. They were research at the lab he worked at, but he still liked them, even when they did try to bite and attack and hiss at him. His descriptions of such had led people to believe that he worked with cats, but he didn't. 

He worked with spiders. 

Well, a lot of bugs, but he liked the spiders the best. His lab observed their behaviors both individually and in groups to catalog a variety of information. As part of their observations, they needed to keep the spiders in their ideal environment, which included as close to the exact blend of earth as they could get. Unfortunately, they'd run out of their supply today. Fortunately, that sort of stuff was widely available. Unfortunately, they used a very specific brand. Fortunately, they found some in a pet store pretty locally. Unfortunately, Virgil was the one who lived nearest to it, so he was stuck going in and getting it on his way home. What a drag, he had to actually interact with people. 

When he got there, he could see why this was the store that had it. It was certainly… well-stocked. Which, really, was just another way to say "huge." It was like the Home Depot of pet stores; no employees in sight, and aisles in need of some serious maps. But whatever. He at least knew which sections to go past. When he finally got to the specialty mix of dirt, near the back of the store, he grabbed it with an 'Ah-hah!' Then, after his elation had faded, he took in his surroundings a bit more. He looked to his left, and noticed the rescue. 

It wasn't odd for a pet store to have a rescue in it. And despite his surly exterior, well, Virgil wasn't immune to cute fluffy animals. Maybe he just so happened to need to walk back to the registers while passing it by. And maybe while he was walking that way, he'd take a little look. You know. While he was there. 

So, path decided, nodding to himself, he strolled over, bag of soil in hand, and prepared to look at the puppies and kittens. Then he stopped and blinked. There were certainly puppies and kittens, and even a bird there, but there were also some different manner of pets. 

He saw fairies, tiny mers, and all manner of little magical creatures. He walked through the display of cages and terrariums, when one in particular caught his eye. He stared at the sign plastered on the seemingly empty glass case.

CAUTION: I BITE! 

"What the-" he squinted, leaning closer to see if there was anything actually in there. He thought he saw something moving underneath the front of the fake log, and then all of a sudden-

-there it was right in front of him. 

He flinched and took a half step back on instinct, despite the fact that it's in a freaking terrarium, genius, and he took in the creature. It was partly human, but had multiple eyes, and its back half was an abdomen, black with dark blue bands, and had multiple legs. 

A drider. 

It was reared up on its back legs, and it was bearing its (he squinted closer to be certain, and sure enough its human half had freaking fangs), and was generally acting very aggressive.

He thought it- they were trying to puff themself up, emphasizing their eight (eight!!!) limbs, six on the bottom, plus their arms. Their multiple eyes were narrowed, directly at him. They were snarling. 

And Virgil couldn't possibly help but to walk towards the terrarium, warning sign be damned. He sees the spider-person pause, some of the aggression draining out, before they rear back again, seemingly trying to be more intimidating than before. Virgil smirked, fascinated, and sank down into a crouch. He really took in the shape and look of their eyes, and his own eyes widened in response. 

Jumping spider, he realizes, and then, Well, duh, they jumped at you, moron, of course they're a jumpy. He tilted his head a few times, trying to really see the details of the drider, while he had the chance. 

"Woah," Virgil whispered. "You're so cool looking." He watched as they frowned and clicked their mouthparts (didn't look completely like typical chelicara) idly, running their pedipalps over them. They seemed to hesitate, lowering down, and stared at him in a more placated manner. 

Honestly, they were pretty cute. "How far can you jump?" Virgil asked, taking in the size of the enclosure. The creature was watching his gaze like, well, someone who had plenty of eyes, then finally, they spoke up. 

"Far beneath my limit in this facsimile of a proper environment," they crossed a pair of human arms and one set of spider legs. They seemed distrustful, gaze still not fully on him. As though they were apprehensive about his reaction, like it was going to be negative? 

"I'll bet," Virgil responded instead, and he nodded a little as his smile fell into a grimace. "This thing has gotta really suck, huh?" He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, eyes still flitting over the spider creature's form every so often. They raised an eyebrow. 

"Indeed." Yeah, there was no way they were used to having a normal conversation. They seemed less wary now, but they didn't seem to be holding back their speech at all. Virgil really admired that. He liked that attitude, and that he was the one getting it out of them, and, well, he liked a lot about them. He had...a dangerous thought. 

"What if," Virgil bit his lip, "what if you got out?" The spider huffed, rolling their (well, some of their) eyes. 

"Then I would be able to jump further," they replied, voice clearly dry despite their size difference. 

"No, no," his smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. "I mean. What if you," Virgil hesitated meaningfully, being sure to emphasize the words. "Got, out." The creature's limbs uncrossed. Virgil saw as comprehension dawned. 

"I am," their words were chosen carefully, he noticed. They had been throughout this entire interaction. "Not allowed to leave my enclosure." Their eyes raked over the human's form. 

"What if I got you out?" The spider person chittered, nervousness written on their face. 

"Theft is not an encouraged activity," they eventually settled on. Virgil snorted and muttered 'be gay, do crime' under his breath. "No, I meant like. Maybe, I could, sort of." He paused, breathed in, breathed out, and tried to look as serious as possible. "Take you home? With an adoption fee and everything?"

"I," the drider swallowed visibly, and of course they didn't trust him, they just met him and he doesn't even know their name, or anything, and he didn't introduce himself- "I am unable to survive in the wild on my own," they finished succinctly. 

Virgil hadn't meant that. They might be a drider, but they were clearly still human, especially after the conversation they'd been having, so, was it wrong that he wanted to take them home? He knew that everyone here was raised to live in a home, with a human taking care of them, just like the pets they adopted out beside them. So, maybe they wouldn't mind if he took them home? But, he guessed that their non-answer gave him his answer, then. That kinda sucked. 

"My name's Virgil," he blurted out before he forgot again. "He/him." They stared at each other for a moment. "Uh, what's your name?" He saw them startle, "I mean, y'know, only if you don't mind."

"My name is Logan." They said, voice even, still, but maybe a little less cautious, he thinks? "I… am also male?" And Virgil couldn't help but smirk again at his confused tone. It was sort of adorably endearing. His eyes drifted towards the sign again. 

"So," he smirked a little more. "You actually ever bite anyone before?" Logan rolled (all of) his eyes. 

"Of course," he pointed to the sign. "Otherwise, it would not be stated on my tank." He sounded almost a little proud. He went on, clarifying despite not being asked to. Virgil was not complaining. "Two separate humans, not to mention the time a child opened my tank after wandering away from his parents." His pedipalps whisked over his face, "I jumped just under my potential that day, unfortunately." He didn't sound sorry at all. Virgil's mouth twitched dangerously. "I landed right on his head."

Virgil burst out laughing. Several people in the store turned around to see what the commotion was about. A volunteer in particular hesitated, before starting to come over to the pair. Logan looked smug, Virgil wiped a tear from his eye. 

"Hello, sir, may I help you with anything?" The voice came suddenly from over his shoulder. He just barely suppressed a flinch. 

"Ah!" Couldn't suppress the scream, though.

"You two seem to be getting along!" The volunteer said. "Do you have any questions about him?" The tone of the question was clearly an underlying 'Would you please take him?'

Virgil gave a look towards Logan's direction. He looked back at Virgil. Maybe, Virgil thought, not as hesitant as before.

"Well," Virgil pulled his gaze away, "maybe just a few."

~~~~~

Logan watched the human- Virgil- as the volunteer led him away, and he found himself repressing a pout. He'd been… nice. Pleasant. Tolerable. 

Okay, so Logan had enjoyed his company, and his conversation. It had been quite some time since that had happened with a human. In fact, it had been quite some time since any conversation at all had happened with a human. They never spoke to him directly. Every human he'd ever known had spoken over him, both literally and figuratively. Especially here, where they spoke instead to the volunteers and his general caretakers. 

He exhaled. Perhaps his standards for 'good conversation' had just slipped considerably. As well as his standards for 'acceptable human.' After all, there he was, discussing taking Logan into his home, with someone all-too-anxious to never see him again. Nice or not, he had to be cautious. He seemed like he cared about his opinion, but that was the thing about humans; they were good at seeming. 

He gave up on trying to listen into their conversation. They were far away, and it only seemed to pertain to what supplies he would need if he took him. At the very least, the volunteer was doing their job of explaining his needs. He skittered into the fake log that was in his environment as he considered his future. 

This was not the first time he'd met someone excited to see him, eager to adopt him. It had happened, once before. He'd been much younger then, much more innocent, much happier, much more eager to go into a home with a human family. 

That eagerness and happiness had lasted about a week. 

And, well, that's why he was with a rescue now. 

He considered Virgil. He spoke to him, yes, was interested, but he was still larger; Logan surmised he could easily fit in his hands, probably even only one. He had more legs, and more eyes, and could jump, and had venomous fangs (barely, to a human), but he was still the one with the disadvantage. A severe one. He shuddered from memories he'd considered long in the past. Apparently, they were still with him in the present. 

Likely, he would not get an opinion on who he went home with, anyway. It was why he made it a point to be so aggressive with everyone who came over to him. But Virgil… Well, he supposed he would see, and soon. The two humans were walking towards his enclosure again, this time Virgil had a large bag of items relevant to Logan’s care. 

He poked his head back out, eyes roving over his figure. Virgil smiled at him, one corner of his mouth tugged further up than the other. He turned to the volunteer. 

"Could you, I mean, if there's maybe…" he made a gesture with his empty hand, seemingly unable to finish his thought. "I kinda wanna," he lost his momentum again. He inhaled and exhaled a few times. "Could I just have a minute with him," he rushed out. The volunteer made some sort of face, but nodded, and left. Virgil took a step forward, and Logan met him (as much as he could from within his glass case) halfway, stepping out from his log. He was certainly more willing to be out in the open with only Virgil there. He returned a tiny, if uneasy smile of his own. 

Virgil crouched down again. "Have you really been here for most of your life? Around humans?" Logan blinked. That took some time. 

"Yes," he admitted. "I was abducted too young to learn any survival instincts." He couldn't say why he so willingly told him his past, but Virgil wanted to know, and Logan knew what that thirst for knowledge was like. "How did you know?" He wasn't accusatory, merely curious, undoubtedly as Virgil had been. 

"Volunteer told me," Virgil made a slight face, and Logan wondered what else he'd been told about his past. He was about to ask, but Virgil continued. "Said you'd been waiting here for way too long." There was a look on his face that Logan had only seen on childrens' face moments before a tantrum. 

He believed that Virgil was sad, but he couldn't figure out why. "That you'd been rescued from a bad situation." Ah. "Uh, listen." Virgil brought a hand up, and Logan flinched, but it was only to awkwardly scratch at his cheek. 

He looked at Logan intensely. "I know we've only known each other for a bit, and I totally understand if your answer's no, but." He looked pained. "Um." Virgil coughed into his hand, likely a gesture to fill the silence rather than a violent expulsion of the contents in his throat. "Would you? Like me? To uh? Take you home? Er- fuck." Virgil groaned, clearly frustrated by his own ineloquence. "Would you like to live with me? I could offer you a bigger space than what you've got here, take care of you- that water looks too old to be healthy- and you can decline if you want. I just- yeah," he finished, slumping over with hunched shoulders from the effort. 

Logan considered it. He considered it for a while. He considered the short time that he'd spent with the human, and made his decision. At the very least, Virgil wouldn’t be that cruel compared to his...other options. Logan nodded. The smallest of smiles flitted up onto his mouth, and that was apparently what Virgil was waiting for. He offered him a 'be right back', and went to grab an employee. Logan took in his cage one last time, hope was rapidly raising in him.

Meanwhile, Virgil was paying for his purchases as well as Logan's adoption fee. When he came back, it was with the volunteer, who was carrying a smaller containment box meant for transportation, and something else in the other hand. 

Logan's habitat was opened, and suddenly, the volunteer's hand plunged into his tank, startling Logan out of his thoughts and immediately put him on the opposition, fangs bared and ready. It didn't matter, though. The volunteer was wearing thick rubber gloves, preventing any form of retaliation on the part of the drider, and he was grabbed roughly around the middle. He hated being held, nobody knew how to properly hold him; he wasn't a human infant, why did they insist on holding him that way? Unable to resist, Logan squirmed in the grip of the human, receiving a light squeeze and a pained look from Virgil for his efforts. 

“Now, just to get him all ready for you,” the volunteer chirped, bringing a bundle of rope into view. Logan’s eyes widened, and he started struggling anew.

As if he hadn’t moved a muscle, Logan felt his arms being pinned and bound behind his back, knotted tightly. Logan couldn't move his upper arms. The volunteer had just grabbed a few of his legs between two fingers, Logan was kicking and still trying to bite, when-

“The hell are you doing?” Virgil asked in a tone that was, quite frankly, utterly terrifying. It made Logan shudder, before almost instinctively he stopped his efforts to escape. Was this Virgil's true nature, then? 

"Oh, this is just standard procedure for all dangerous creatures," the volunteer responded. And Logan's head snapped up to the two. His internal organs seemed to quiver, as much as he knew that wasn't possible. Virgil had been upset at the volunteer? "Just for everybody's safety." 

"Well then," his unending glare at purely the volunteer seemed to confirm who his ire was directed at. "I guess you'll have to untie him, because I don't think he's a danger to me at all." The volunteer stared back, and understandably backed down. 

"Well, you're his new owner, so!" And Logan remained untied, minus his upper arms, and placed in the transportation  carrier. Virgil paid the adoption fee, and took Logan by the handle, and he felt a thrill of freedom, combined with an atypical bout of anxiety. 

"Hey," Virgil started, as they were walking out of the store. "There's some more stuff on the shelves that I could get you,"  Virgil rolled his shoulder. "It's not, like, required equipment or anything, but some of it looked like it could be kind of cool?" Logan squinted. 

"Why would cold items be preferable to own?" Virgil smirked and then bit his lip. 

"No, I mean, like." He mulled it over, tilting his head. "Nea- no." He exhaled some air out his nose. "Fun? Awesome?" Ah. 

"I suppose, if you wanted to look, I would not be opposed." Virgil smiled, and for the next half hour, Logan was treated to a trip around some of the aisles. Virgil held up his cage, letting him look at some of the items made for a drider's physical and mental engagement. He let Logan decide entirely what he did and did not want to buy, even though he was sure it was difficult for him to keep lifting the transport box, in addition to being a tedious way to shop. His favorites were a little him-sized version of a 'Rubick's Cube,' as well as a better version of the log cave that he'd grown accustomed to in the store. 

He paid when he got up front, and they made their way to his car, placing his other purchases in the back. He put Logan on the seat next to him, 'passenger seat,' Logan vaguely recalled. He was about to buckle him in. 

"Alright, sit tight," Logan was about to ask what that meant when Virgil gasped. "Holy shit, I forgot about the rope." He dropped to the ground, crouched again, and opened the top of his carrier. He carefully took his fingers and untied the ropes, immediately freeing his arms. Logan rubbed around his wrists on instinct, "I'm sorry! Does it hurt? Are you okay?" Logan looked up at Virgil's earnest, open face, full of concern for Logan, and thought of how he'd treated him this entire time, how hopeful and excited he'd been. 

"Yes," Logan smiled. "I think I will be."

-----

In my mind he kinda looks like this, and check out that cool size comparison chart at the bottom!

My favorite line from the original: I guess there's like normal things there like cats and dogs and birds and like maybe magical-y things like, winged cats and winged dogs and winged birds.

Taglist

@callboxkat @katelynn-a-fan @dwbh888 @royal-stormcloud @thefivecalls @awkwardjester @ollyollyoxinfree @intruxiety @brain-deadx0 @the-grounded-raven @just-your-typical-trans-guy @grouptalekindnesssoul @the-hoely-bleach @anvil527up @fanficloverinthesun @demoniccheese83  @thatgaydemigodnerd @aceawkwardunicorn @lookingforaplacetosleep @mirinda03 @robinwritesshitposts @averykedavra @potatsanderssides @hekking-happy-nonsense @enby-ralsei @star-crossed-shipper  @a-fandom-trashdump @thefluffyotter33 @somehow-i-got-an-account @cottonwoolsocks @idontcareaboutcanon   @starlight-era @kieraelieson  @snowdice @callboxkat @10moonymhrivertam @just-some-gt-trash @evoodo123 @idont-freaking-know

[bespokeprovocateur]

4-Tier Survival.

The tiers are as follows:

TIER ONE: This is your everyday carry (EDC) on person. You should have this with you 24/7 or as close to 24/7 as possible. Basically, if you have pants on, you should have these items with you.

TIER TWO: This is your EDC bag. You should have this with you or within reach 24/7. Take it with you to work, the grocery store, running to the gas station, etc. If you walk out the door of your house, it should be with you.

TIER THREE: This is your 72 hour kit, bug out bag, SHTF bag, or any of those other catchy names for them. At a minimum you need one. If you only have the funds for one, so be it. But, eventually I would suggest having one for the house, the vehicle and possibly at work if you have the space to store one.

TIER FOUR: This is for long term preparedness. This is long-term food and water storage and procurement methods. Always prepare your home to shelter-in-place first. Then, if you have a secondary bug out location, prepare it. Depending on the disaster or emergency you may or may not be able to bug out. On the other hand, you may be forced to evacuate or bug out.

TIER ONE: On-person EDC

Blades/Tools

Quality folding knife of your choice.

Quality multi-tool.

Lock picks/Bogota

Small compass.

Pen and small notepad

Small survival whistle.

Cotton bandana.

P-38 can opener.

Cell Phone.

Cordage

550 Cord. There are lots of different, creative ways to carry. There are bracelets, key fobs, zipper pulls, belts, even lacing your boots/shoes with it. Learn how to braid your own items.

Fire

Small brand name lighter

Small firesteel.

Tinder. Could be a magnesium rod, dryer lint, or any brand of quick tinder that is out on the market now, you should know what works.

Firearm

Light

Small flashlight.

Keychain LED light.

USB Drive

I use my USB drive to store all types of important documents and other information I run across and want to save. I have encrypted my USB drive in case it falls into the wrong hands. (I strongly suggest doing this.) Also, save the information under nondescript names. In other words, don’t save the file as: “Insurance Papers” or “Social Security Cards”, etc.

Birth/Marriage Certificates

Social Security Cards

Driver’s License

Insurance Policies/Cards

Vehicle Registrations/Insurance

Medical/Shot Record

Recent Check Stubs/Bank Statements

Stocks/Bonds

Property Description

Another option/addition to this is online file storage. There are many places available on the internet to store files on a remote server and be able to access from any computer or cell phone with internet access.

TIER TWO: EDC Bag
Tier two is going to contain pretty much everything from tier one except bigger and better.

Blades/Tools

Quality fixed blade knife of your choice. Again make sure it is sharp.

Sharpening stone.

Quality multi-tool. I would look at one to complement the one from tier one. A little larger and possibly features that the other does not have. I personally wouldn’t want the exact same model from tier one. Look at the ones that have the screwdriver possibilities.

Small entry bar or pry bar.

Larger more reliable compass. Possibly a GPS system if you are so inclined. If you are in a large urban environment, I would have a city map in my EDC bag.

Pens and notepad again. Plenty of pens and permanent markers.

P-51 can opener.(A scaled-up version of the P-38.)

Cell Phone/Communications

This is where I would keep a wall charger for my cell phone.

I would also think about one of the emergency chargers that run off of batteries at this point.

I also carry a pay-as-you go phone in my EDC bag. On some occasions when one service is down, others are still up and running. It’s a cheap insurance policy.

Radio of some sort. Depends on your location and abilities.

Cordage

I would carry no less than 25 feet of 550 cord in my EDC bag. The more the better. Again, options here, braid it to take up less space, key fobs, I’ve seen some braided water bottle carriers.

I would toss in some duct tape and electrical tape here. You can take it off of the cardboard roll and roll it onto itself and it takes up very little room.

Possibly some wire, picture hanging wire works well.

Possibly some zip ties. Various sizes as you see fit.

I also have a couple of carabiners clipped to my bag.

Fire

Another cheap lighter.

Larger firesteel.

More tinder. Personally I prefer the magnesium, but whatever you are comfortable with.

Firearm

I would however warrant the carrying of at least two spare magazines for the handgun in tier one.

First-Aid

Basic first aid kit.

Package of quick slotting agent.

Basic EMT shears.

Basic pain relievers, fever reducers, upset stomach tablets etc.

Small bottle of hand sanitizer.

Baby wipes.

Food

I always carry a couple of energy or meal replacement bars in my bag. If nothing else, I may have to work through lunch and need a snack.

Some people will toss a freeze-dried meal or MRE if they have room.

A small pack of hard candy.

Light

I personally prefer a headlamp at this stage. You can use a headlamp as a flashlight; you can’t use a flashlight as a headlamp.

Extra batteries. On the subject of batteries, do your best to acquire electronic items that use the same size of battery.

Another keychain light. I have one attached to the inside of my bag to aid in finding items inside in low-light situations.

Some people carry chemical light sticks in their EDC bag. I have found battery operated light sticks that also have a small flashlight in one end I prefer to carry.

Shelter

I keep a packable rain jacket at all times and depending on the weather a packable pair of rain pants.

I also keep a couple of “survival” blankets in my bag.

I keep a couple of contractor style garbage bags as well.

Water

I have a stainless steel water bottle that stays in my pack at all times. If I am traveling longer than my normal commute, I will toss in a small collapsible water container.

Ziploc bags.

Two-part chemical water purifier.

Filtering drinking straw.

Toss in a couple of standard coffee filters to filter sediment if needed.

Now, bear in mind, my EDC bag is not for long-term survival. I feel like I could sustain myself for several days if I needed to with the contents of my pack. However, that is not its intended use. All of the tiers are designed to sustain you until you can “make it” to the next tier.

TIER THREE: Larger rucksack or backpack

A lot of people would call this the 72 hour kit. However, I feel that in this stage of the game, you should be able to carry enough to survive indefinitely.

Blades/Tools

Quality fixed blade knife. If you want you can double up from tier two. Depends on your requirements. Remember, two is one, one is none.

Small quality folding shovel.

Quality hatchet.

Small machete.

Some type of saw or saw blades. .

Tools for forced entry if warranted. Pry bars, bolt cutters, etc.

Tool kit. Depends on your location and environment. At the bare minimum carry enough tools to repair anything that you are depending on in a survival situation.

Cell Phone/Communications

Depending on the level of the disaster cell phones may or may or may not be working.

Again, depending on your location and abilities, depends on the type of communications you should carry.

One thing I have not seen widely talked about is two way radios. Obviously this would be if more than one person is in your party. However, now you start talking about batteries and chargers.

Cordage

At least 100 feet of 550 cord.

Depending on your environment, climbing rope, harness and gear may be warranted.

Tape, electrical and duct.

Zip ties, various sizes

Wire, picture wire.

Carabiners, various sizes.

Fire

Cheap lighter.

Firesteel.

Tinder.

Camp stove. Small, lightweight, portable. A lot of good information about this out there. Pay special attention to the type of fuel that the stove you select uses.

Firearm

This depends on the type of situation you are in. I will list the types of firearms I would have, not necessarily carry, and reasons why. If this is a true bug out situation obviously the adults in your party could carry at least one, more than likely two, long guns.

We have already discussed a handgun.

“Modern Sporting Rifle”. Be it an AR based platform, an AK-47, Mini-14 etc. I personally like the AR platform. However, A’s can be a bit finicky if not properly cleaned and maintained. Something you may not be able to do well in a TEOTWAWKI situation. So, I would grab an AK-47. Whatever your budget and preference lead you to.

.22 caliber rifle. There are many options, I personally recommend the Ruger 10-22. There are several collapsible stocks available. This is for hunting small game.

Home defense shotgun. I would suggest a 12 gauge. The options and setups are endless. You can go as mild or as wild as your budget and imagination allow. This is not something I would necessarily always grab. However, this is something I feel that no home should be without. The sound of a shell racking into the chamber of a pump shotgun is a sound that will deter most people without even firing a shot.

Extra magazines and ammunition.

First-Aid

More advanced first aid kit. There are pre-made ones on the market or come up with your own.

Quick clotting agent.

EMT Shears.

Pain relievers, fever reducers, upset stomach pills, etc.

A week’s supply of any prescription medications.

Any supply of antibiotics or narcotics that you can procure.

Knowledge of natural/herbal remedies. Here is a great area where knowledge can help you a lot longer than supplies can.

Food

If you want to put in a three day supply of freeze-dried meals or MRE’s. Go for it. But here is where procuring your own food will come in handy.

I would suggest some type of mess style kit for cooking. Again, your choice.

Fishing kit. Fishing line, assortment of hooks, sinkers and artificial bait if desired.

Fishing “yo-yo” traps. Can be set and left alone to catch fish while you are doing some other task. I feel these are a necessity. They are light and take up little room.

Snare kit. I would suggest several pre-made snares and supplies to create more.

Traps. Connibear style traps, an assortment of sizes. 4-6 is all you should need.

Frog gigs. Could also be used for spearing fish, depending on your location.

You also have a firearm for taking small or large game.

Knowledge of wild edibles in your area or bug out location.

Light

Again, I would suggest a headlamp and extra batteries.

Use your discretion for what else you may want/need.

Shelter

Two changes of clothes. One for warm weather and one for cool/cold weather. Again depending on your environment.

I would suggest at least 3 pair of underwear and 6 pair of socks.

Packable rain gear.

Quality bivy style shelter or tarp.

Quality sleeping bag. Again, do some research. See what fits your needs and budget.

Sleeping pad if wanted.

Possibly a pocket style hammock.

Water

Stainless steel water bottle.

Chemical water treatment.

Water filter/purifier. Again, look at your budget and needs.

Coffee filters for straining out sediment.

Collapsible water storage.

TIER FOUR: Long term preparedness.
Even though this is the largest of all the tiers, I will probably go into the least amount of detail. There are many great sources of information concerning long term preparedness, SurvivalBlog.com being one of the best, if not the best, in my opinion.

Blades/Tools

Obviously any blade or tool previously discussed. Except full size versions.

An ax, saws, shovels, garden hoes, rakes, etc.

Possibly a plow, seeder, etc, for planting a garden.

Variety of hand tools.

Automotive tools, carpentry tools, etc.

Sewing machine, needles, thread, clothing patterns, etc.

Begin thinking of ways you can use your tools and knowledge to develop a skill that can be used for trade or barter.

Communication

Short wave radios, ham radios, etc.

Two way radios.

Cordage

Large amounts of any cordage or supplies under cordage already discussed.

Fire

Cast iron stove.

Fireplace.

Begin thinking now about how you will be heating your home in the winter. Think about how you will be cooking your meals. Also, think about how you will get fuel for your fire.

Firearms

We discussed in tier three the types of firearms I felt were needed.

Begin thinking about amount of ammo you can and are willing to stockpile.

Begin thinking about reloading your own ammunition. Begin thinking about stockpiling supplies. This can be turned into great bartering items.

First Aid

Begin developing a large first aid supply. Think about what you will need to do without a doctor present. Suture kits, surgical kit, trauma kit, etc. There will be no running to the emergency room.

Begin thinking about dental supplies. Again, there will possibly be no dentists to go to.

Again, knowledge is key in this situation. There are some good books about this type of thing. Take a first aid class, learn CPR. Learn as much as you possibly can.

Study about and begin stockpiling medications.

Food

There are many more articles to be written and read on this subject alone.

Start developing a small reserve of foods that you eat on a regular basis that have a long shelf life. Start with a week; go to a month, then three months, then a year, then longer.

Begin thinking now about storage. A year’s supply of food for your family will take up a considerable amount of space.

Expand on the amount of items you have from tier three. Increase the number of traps and snares you have.

Think about obtaining a variety of seeds to plant in your garden.

Again, there is a vast amount of information to be found on this subject alone. The main thing I want you to understand is this is doable, on any income. Start small and work your way up to larger quantities.

Do not get yourself into a financial burden by going out and buying a year’s supply of food at one time.

Light

Begin obtaining lanterns, fuel, mantles, etc.

Begin thinking about candles and candle making.

If you are so inclined, begin thinking about solar panels for your home or shelter location.

Shelter

Begin making those small repairs to your home. Things that may be fairly quickly and easily fixed now may not be so easily fixed later. I’m not talking kitchen remodeling; I’m talking leaky faucets, broken windows, drafty doors, etc.

Think about having a metal roof installed if you don’t have one already.

This is the time to think about a secondary survival location. A remote, rural location. Think of this as an investment. It could be used now as a vacation spot. Use it later as a retirement home.

Water

Begin storing water. Think not only about drinking, but also cooking and cleaning.

Again, start small. Begin with a few days worth; then weeks and months.

Start thinking about long-term procurement and storage. Gutters that empty into water storage, etc. Think also about purification on a large scale.

Miscellaneous Things to Thing About

Sit down and make a list of normal, everyday things that you do around your house, cleaning, washing, “personal” business, entertainment, etc.

[nightswithkookmin]

JIKOOK DYNAMICS: JIMIN'S LOVE LANGUAGE

PREFACE

In my previous post, I shared my thoughts on what I think is Jikook's love language, specifically Jungkook's; and how in my estimation Jimin is the only member within BTS that speaks it, comes close to speaking it and most importantly makes the effort to speak it.

In this post, I attempt to outline what I think is Jimin's love language and show the various ways I feel JK speaks it or comes close to speaking it more so than the others in BTS.

Now I have to state for the record that I do not know or purport to know Jimin or Jungkook or any of these members herein mentioned in any way special and personal other than through the content we all consume on them.

Nor do I intend to be malicious or disrespectful towards them with this post, to intend to strip away their individuality for the sake of shipping symmetry.

Thus, I reiterate, everything I express in here is my thoughts, my observations and my opinion and I pray you treat it as such.

Let the records show, also that, I will bug spray any fake woke wannabe edgy shipper with a Tuktukker complex that takes my words out of context, misconstrue it to suit their own agenda and then turn around to call me out for it. In the name of Jesus, I will avada kedabra your ass. Seriously.

JIMIN

I've always been fascinated by Jimin. By the person he is. And although I do not have a comprehensive understanding of this man's inner workings, he's got to be the most complex and frankly interesting character I've come across in all my shipping years.

His duality is confusing and coupled with his Libra energy, his character and personality can be and is quite often misconstrued and misinterpreted within the shipping community.

He is friendly, cute, funny, beautiful and ship compatible with anyone.

Very often, I find, most people cannot tell his personality from his idol self slash persona or even his love language from his affectionate nature; thus resulting in these bizzare fallacies and ridiculous assumptions about him such as: he is a flirt, hoe, clingy, homewrecker, attention seeker and a plethora of slurs and sobriquet that's defamatory and slanderous at best- its ridiculous.

I get that not everyone likes him and as such wouldn't hesitate to filter his words and actions through arbitrary metrics to arrive at conclusions that profits them and does nothing but help them make sense of their hate- Y'all don't love yourselves enough.

Not to say he is my bias therefore he is perfect. That would be a blunder. He has his shortcomings, he is human after all. What I'm saying is most people don't get him and as such read him wrong?

What's more discombobulating, is the stan who swears up and down they know Jimin well enough but don't see him treating JK any different from the rest of the boys in BTS therefore Jikook isn't real- insert shook pikachu face.

Then there are those stans with genuine shipping concerns about the love dynamics between the two:

Those that feel JM gives more to JK than he receives back. That he is more supportive of JK than JK is of him. Very often, these people would bring up the issue of JK not promoting Promise when it first came out as evidence of this- it's been years let it go.

JK not being as vocal and open about his feelings and interest in JM the way Jimin is and has been about JK is also another area of concern for these stans. If you try to explain to them its because JK is/was shy they will kick- your- ass. Hell, I will kick your ass too. I'll explain later.

Some people also- I know I have at one point- have described JK's interest in and descriptions of JM as a bit shallow and vain compared to how the other members speak of Jimin.

To them, the other members usually talk about how smart and intelligent JM is, how kind and nurturing he is. How much of himself he gives to them. That the way the members talk about Jimin often helps give us a glimpse into the real Park Jimin as distinct from the persona we see on the screens.

But then there is JK: JM hyung is sexy. He has pretty eyes. 'I want you.' Then he proceeds to drool over the Jibooty, squeeze them legs shut tight while struggling to sit through a Jimin solo dance without popping boners left right left around Jimin- Bless him.

I mean, dude nearly snapped his neck trying to catch a glimpse of the Ji-abs in the middle of a performance? Damn.

To be fair, the other members don't talk like this about Jimin and sexualise Jimin as often as JK does because, they don't want to screw Jimin's brains out? Cough, cough. Hashtag save Jimin from JK. Lol

If JK is sexually attracted to Jimin, how else do you expect him to express that? Never mind that he's done some of these things subconsciously at times. You know what...

Y'all need to give this man a break!

[RANT]

He was a hormonal teen- he is still relatively pretty young. It's ridiculous to expect and demand such high level of maturity from a 16/17 year old experiencing a nonplatonic love for the first time in his life and more so in an unforgiving and invasive environment such as that in which he found himself.

Jk and Jimin found each other before they found themselves and it's unreasonable to think that that didn't have a toll on their relationship dynamics. They are human.

They are each growing and maturing at different paces. Their relationship has suffered through its growing pains; Certainly, one person is going to appear lacking in one or two areas in one way shape or form and at any given point in their love journey. That doesn't make them less real.

Again, their careers and the pursuit of it haven't exactly given them the space, time or normalcy to explore what they are and who they are in a functional way, in my opinion.

Everything is moving fast in their world, everything is highly exaggerated and highly scrutinized. Kpop is not exactly a healthy space to foster a healthy relationship and it would be a miracle if any of them should come out unscathed.

Neither one of them went searching for this love thingy nor were they even experienced enough to look at their relationship beyond the convenience of it and the excitement of it- The orgasms were enough reason for them, I think.

I get uncomfortable when some Jikookers, out of good intentions, claim Jikook knew what they were doing, should have known therefore could have known the consequences of them coupling up in a group like BTS before entering into their relationship- let me stop you right there!

While this assumption may seem like a compliment to them it also perpetuates the adultification of early days Jikook which I find disturbing.

They were teens not grown adults when they fell in love. We can't expect and demand such level of maturity from them at that age as cool as that would have made them.

They don't need to be cool to be real. They don't need to be mature to be real.

Jikook is real regardless of whether they were thoughtful or not thoughtful about the consequences of them choosing to date in a group setting, or a homophobic society at the onset of their relationship.

It's ridiculous to dismiss what they are now on the grounds that S.K is a homophobic society or that dating a coworker is not inconsequential.

People date their coworkers all the time and there are gay couples in S.K.

Jikook were too young to comprehend the consequences of dating because which teen worries about all of that before popping one off for the lord? On which planet, sir/ma'am??Were they thinking with their 'ducks?' I believe so. But again, that doesn't make them any less real.

From what I can tell anyway, 2018 was the year Jikook had anything resembling a serious thoughtful contemplation of the status of their relationship- Well, 2018 and this later half of 2020 as some of you might have already noticed. More on this later.

But yes, this adultification of early days Jikook is absurd and needs to stop. And what's equally disturbing is the infantilization of the adult day Jikook- you can't expect Jikook dynamics to remain the same throughout the years. That's bizzare.

Don't expect them to be their same jeonlous, Jimlous, possessive selves. They are growing. They are evolving as individuals and as a pair.

I side eye the fuck out of these fake woke shippers and 'grown ups' who filter Jikook interactions through adult lens and tag moments like Jimlous and Jeonlous as toxic and unhealthy without taking into context where they were at in their love journey or even their age. What y'all think this is? Fiction? Get the fuck outta here.

Jikook have had to learn and grow on the Job and around their job and learn to love eachother under the scrutiny of severe cameras and weird Ahjummas. Leave them the fuck alone or I swear I will petrify your ass for an entire comeback season. Lol

[Rant over]

All that being said, I get it. The way JK talks about Jimin isn't exactly special or unique from the way the other's speak about Jimin. But it isn't exactly superficial either...

And yes, it's quite unsettling that he doesn't describe Jimin in a way that gives meaningful insight into Jimin's personality as distinct from the others', given as he has exclusive access to Jimin more so than any of the members- we have a lot to unpack today, don't we?

Then on the other hand, there are those who think the exact opposite and see JK as the one who gives more to their relationship. That JK takes their relationship more seriously than Jimin does. They see Jimin as a bit wishy-washy when it comes to his commitment to their relationship- this breaks my heart.

Often, such people will cite Jimin's flirty nature, his lack of boundaries with others amongst other things, to prove their point...

Grab a seat, this discussion is going to be a long one. Smiley face.

JIMIN'S LOVE LANGUAGE

Jimin first got on my alt-ship radar in Rookie King when he was given an opportunity to air any and all of his grievances accumulated over the years against any member or staff of BigHit but instead chose to use that opportunity to talk about JK and how JK's actions had been hurting him.

Prior to this, he was just my bias and I would casually ship him with Suga, V, RM and basically all the members- except JK. I just couldn't ship JK with anyone.

Back then, I had a vague sense of JM's personality but felt I knew enough about him to theorize on his love language and JK was the last person I thought of as capable of meeting those emotional needs of Jimin's.

Rookie King changed my mind.

Jimin wasn't just trying to squash his differences with JK, he was trying to get closer to him. To get emotionally intimate with him- this is one of the things that sparked my interest in their dynamics.

Because it wasn't as if they weren't close. They were. They had a skinship between them. Skinship, or lack of physical boundaries as I like to call it, is one of the means through which BTS achieve intimacy amongst them.

Jikook had that between them at the time, they went everywhere together, woke each other up- they were close.

Yet Jimin felt they weren't close enough. That there was a wall between them. Now, I see a lot of people misinterpret this period in the Jikook timeline as that Jimin was crushing hard on JK. He wasn't. In my opinion.

You see, Jimin was the last person to Join the band. This was bound to have an effect on his relationship dynamics with the rest of the members as he had missed out on two years worth of emotional connection and camaraderie with them.

He had had only one year to bond and get to know the others away from the cameras and in a way that could help him develop a sense of belongingness within the group.

Within this one year, he had school, voice training, and other activities that possibly got in the way of him truly building an intimate connection with the others.

He is the only member out of the seven whose intimacy journey got captured on camera. He had to foster a connection with the others with the cameras around.

But building a connection with people even in a platonic sense is quite an intimate and private process. It takes vulnerability, honesty, a willingness to submit and subject oneself to varying degrees of humiliation, a sacrifice of the self, ego and pride in a way that just strips you naked- metaphorically speaking.

And in Jimin's case, he had to go through this stage and process openly and with the cameras around- the second hand embarrassment I get from watching early days Park Jimin!

He literally had to be the clown of the group, the hufflepuff, the clingy one, the flirty one, the one with the abs, the loud and chatty one as well as all the tasteless epithets people now weaponize against him.

I believe, all he was trying to do at this stage was breach the barriers he felt existed between him and the others as the newcomer of the group so he didn't feel like an outsider.

That is his first love language- the need to belong. He has a strong desire to feel connected with people. He cares about people and connection. He's reiterated this throughout the years and even more loudly in the recent Japan interviews.

He wanted to be part of BTS both physically and emotionally. He wanted to fit in, to belong with them, to be accepted and viewed as one of the boys- BTS.

You could see this in the way he had adopted the mannerisms of the group- the skinship, the love language of the group if you will.

It is why when Suga complained about him not liking him as much, Jimin immediately drew closer to him and wrapped his hands around him, initiating skinship between them to show he liked him.

Jimin tried to speak the groups love language so he could bond with them but he also began to infuse his own love language.

If you've seen his relationship with his father you'd understand that Jimin expresses his love through giving, nurturing etc. It is how his primary care givers showed him love and so how he also shows and conveys his love.

The members have talked about how he would encourage them to talk, to open up, how he would listen to them, be there for them and give them gifts- the birthday gift exchange culture in BTS didn't exist until Jimin arrived in BTS.

What I'm trying to say is, Jimin has a distinct way of showing love that is unique from how everyone else in the group expresses their love. That, there is also an established love parlance within BTS that everyone speaks and that is skinship.

So when Jimin does skinship with any member he is not acting 'clingy' he is just speaking the love language that the group understands. But when Jimin nurtures and acts supportive and what not, he is speaking his own unique love language.

Now I have talked extensively about how Jimin expresses his in my last post so I will be focusing mainly on how he receives loves or what gestures he interprets as love.

And since there is a general consensus that VMin have an emotional connection, I will be referencing their relationship a lot for comparisons sake.

Tae is the only member Jimin got to spend the most time with around predebut without the intrusion of the cameras. This i feel allowed Tae room to strip back and be fully vulnerable with Jimin without reservation as is required of intimacy- which was not the case for Jikook hence JK shying away from interacting with JM in front of the cameras.

Jikook wasn't accorded the luxury of privacy VMin had to build their bond. Jikook had to build their bond with the camera's trailing them. How many times have we seen JK give death stares to the camera people for invading his me time with Jimin?

Not to be psychoanalytic but I feel, this is what induced the exhibitionist tendencies we see in them- or perhaps I'm wrong and this is just them being extra. Bless them.

Within the one year JM was trying to connect with JK through skinship, JK was also only coming around to understanding what skinship meant to him. They were evolving at different paces.

JK has the most walls in BTS. He wasn't just physically closed off to skinship in the early days forcing Tae to strip him naked in the bathroom, he was emotionally closed off too.

He is still pretty much emotionally closed off- he likes to put up walls. He had his own room at the dorm, does his own laundry, barely keeps in touch with the others or pick up the damn phone when they call etc.

Jk barely partakes in the group's established way of life except for perhaps the skinship. In my opinion.

It took JK a while to understand this culture of skinship though. And the members, all of them, had to push his boundaries further back in order to connect with him.

For instance, Jin pinching his nipples to wake him up, Tae doing- well, all of it. Go watch Taekook sexual tension edits, I dare you. You'll understand.

These members had three years off camera with JK to build a connection with him and even they were met with some resistance from JK.

All Jimin had was a year with JK. I feel Jimin lowkey coveted what the others had with JK and perhaps wanted to have that with him too. Why? Because of his need to belong and connect with people. Watching JK's dynamics with the others probably made him feel left out.

I also understand how this could have been overwhelming for young JK who was having both his physical boundaries and emotional boundaries breached at the same time by this person whom he he'd known for only a year.

That's just one of the major differences between Jikook and Taekook: while Tae was busy breaching the physical walls between him and JK, Jimin was attempting emotional heist on him. Bravo Jimin, Bravo.

So do I think at this point in 2013 that Jikook were falling in love or had fallen in love? NO. But what I took from that moment was that Jimin wanted and needed to feel a sense of belongingness with JK.

Mind you I said he wanted to belong, not owned. Freedom is a component of Jimin's love language. In as much as he wants to be kept he wants to be set free- To be be given the room and freedom to explore options and take risks without judgement and without sanctions.

This need is often misconstrued as him being noncommittal.

His need for freedom, I believe, stems from his being raised in a conservative home with parents that directed and dictated every facet of his life and wouldn't even allow him to pursue his passions until later. It took a while for his father to give him the go ahead to pursue his dream- which is performing on stage.

This is why I said in my last post that Jimin has a need to be in control of the decision making in a relationship. Being able to do as he pleases is important to him. Being able to control his own narrative is important to him. And the only person in BTS that permits him to have such authority over him is JK.

Now, I know you are going to say 'but JK is a bit possessive yadda yadda yadda'.

Listen, Jimin's need for freedom is inextricably linked with his fear of judgment and repercussion. What this means is, although he wants his freedom he is often afraid of what will happen if he should go for it.

As such, very often he wouldn't do anything without permission. Especially if he feels it's going to land him in trouble.

I fist noticed this in the 2014 Jikook bangtan bomb when he said he was starting to take a liking to JK but then right after he asked if JK was ok with that. Suga have also said, Jimin doesn't go out of his way to do things that makes people hate him- See this is why he needs JK. He could use some rebellion in his life.

However, this fear of sanctions often makes him complacent to and an accomplice in toxic behavioural patterns.

For instance, until recently, he would enable JK and encourage his acts of jealousy and possessiveness and even incite them at times. He would hold on to the thorns if it means keeping the rose.

But I see him asserting himself and demanding space within their relationship at times but when he does and JK withdraws he would act clingy around JK.

It is what Manila was about, what August 2019 was about and what April/May 2020 was about. I know some of y'all don't agree with my analysis on these moments, but I'm gonna have to stand by it.

Jimin is all about the balance of scales. The balance of needs and wants. The balance of fears and desires. It's just the Libra in him. Give him too much freedom and he will feel unwanted, hold on too tight and he would feel suffocated.

'I value my relationship. Spending time with my friends is gold' remember this shade?

Jimin's fear of Judgment comes from being a perfectionist and also being raised in a conservative home with a lot of expectations of him to be the model son as the elder male.

Thus, he instinctively gravitates towards people who are less judgy or have too much expectations of him.

Also, because he believes he has to work hard to achieve the things he wwants he wants to be loved, it would mean a lot to him if he didn't have to work hard to have someone love him.

It makes sense then that he would gravitate towards JK.

Jk embodies all of Jimin's wildest desires. I call this the allure of the Golden Maknae. Jk doesn't conform. He doesn't care about people's opinions of him and lives his life on his own terms- something Jimin is striving for.

No member in BTS is as free spirited, or as rebellious as JK is. When Suga told him not to get a tattoo because the fans would hate it- he's gotten it anyway hasn't he?

The best part, JK fell all on his own. And you damn right. he fell hard.

Still on the subject of fears, another fear I feel Jimin has that speaks to his love language is the fear of being a burden.

It is why he gives and gives and keeps giving. He'd rather give than receive. Which by the way, JK is the only member I have seen Jimin demand back what he gives him. Emotionally speaking.

Because he gives a lot of himself, he burns out quickly and feels emotionally drained quite often.

He has admitted himself that he used to drink by himself in his room whenever he felt drained. I assume he drank by himself because he didn't want to be a burden to others. Aka JK.

You see, JK is an empath. He feels people's pain as if they were his own. You just have to see him tear up while watching JM cry to understand what I mean by this. Jimin is a nurturer, he knows what it feels like to listen to someone's pain.

And if Tae is the one he goes to when it becomes overbearing then what does he need JK for? Glad you asked!

What JK offers Jimin is nourishment. A safe space for him to heal and reboot. JK replenishes Jimin. It is why he constantly wants to be around him.

Jk has been a canvas in their love dynamics from day one. They've both had to negotiate their needs and wants to make their relationship work. Which is something I find unique about their dynamics and why I believe they are real.

JK's lack of experience in dating, meant he had gone into their relationship without any preconceived notions of love. He's had to learn to love Jimin the way Jimin wants to be loved.

Coming from the background he's coming from, and having been denied his ambitions for such a long time, I see why Jimin would be drawn to people that are quite ambitious.

And even though, JK wasn't this person at first, Jimin has had to hype him up to the task. He pushes JK to be more ambitious.

When it comes to JK, I feel it's more about his potential to be everything Jimin wants in a partner and JK seems more than happy to comply with this.

Because of Jimin's duality and as a natural nurturer, I feel Jimin would also be attracted to someone emotionally open to recieving his love but not too emotionally dependent on him- the balance of scales I mentioned earlier.

It is why VMin wouldn't work, in my opinion. Tae is too emotionally dependent on Jimin. He ends up taking too much than he gives. On the other hand, Suga isn't emotionally dependent enough.

Again, for a man who's battled insecurity for years, it's safe to assume security, certainty and stability are an intricate part of his love language.

He seeks validation of these needs through the most random of things. In my opinion. He wants to be the one that knows JK the best. It matters to him if their clothes match, if their hair colors match, if JK meets his eyes in the middle of a serious comeback interview, if he checks all of JK's answers- hell, dude be whispering sweet empty nothings in JK's ears most times, talking about they are destined to be together and shit. You are me, I am you. Shit.

As annoying as some of these behaviors may be, JK is very considerate and tolerant of them and consideration is another one of Jimin's love language. This goes back to having been denied his dreams by his father. That denial flowed from a lack of consideration of his needs.

And as much as emotionally connected he is with Tae, Tae barely takes his feelings into consideration. And you see this in the letter Tae's written to Jimin. Or even in the dumpling incident where Tae put his want above Jimin's.

Not to mention the moments, JM have had to walk out of rooms because- Tae won't stop playing with JK's dam hair! Lol. They are cute.

People take from Jimin without reservation. But Jk is considerate as Jimin is of JK's needs.

Jk wasn't the 'exhibitionist' in that pair. He's a very private individual from what I can tell.

That PDA, that exhibitionism we see in them, that's all Park Jimin. He kinky. Dude freaky as fuck- we ain't mad at that. Bless him.

He enjoys public displays of affection. It's how he receives love. But PDA is not JK's love language, in my opinion. Yet he goes out of his way to show his affections for JM openly.

The best example I can give of this is Rosebowl.

JK understands that in order to be intimate with JM he has to allow himself to be influenced by him.

And Jimin understands that, as much as he wants to be close to JK that he doesn't have to rush him or force him into giving him the things he need from their relationship.

They are both very considerate of each other's needs, as random and ridiculous as those needs may be and cater to them in a way that is uniquely them.

Take the New Jersey live 2019 for example. Jimin seemed exhausted. Didn't want to be on another Live that night but JK clearly wanted to be seen on a Live together with him so he was there.

Another instance is the rock bison incident, where JM exchanged his toy for JK's just to make JK happy.

CONCLUSION

Listen, Jimin is in love with Jk no matter how imperfect you think he is.

No matter how much you think JK sucks at expressing his feelings for JM, Jimin loves him. No matter how close JM is with the other members, aka VMin, Yoonmin, Minimoni and the others; no matter the lack of emotional and physical boundaries between him and the others he will always fall back on Jk because none of those relationships fulfill him as much as JK does.

Jimin's constant need to be around JK could only mean there is some he gets from JK, a sense of fulfillment he gets that he doesn't get from any other member.

Keep supporting Jikook.

Signed,

GOLDY

[kaibutsushidousha]

Which servant did you choose when playing Extra? Also, I'm curios to know if you think there are any other servants that would be interesting to see if they were summoned by Hakuno in Extra? Or maybe servants tht would be compatible with them other than Nero Tamamo Nameless

I went with Tamamo in the first playthrough and then Nero. I’ll save Nameless for Record because hopefully the game will be playable there. CCC was at least good enough to make me play all Servant routes.

As for other potential Servants for Hakuno, we already know compatibility got them with either Nero, Tamamo or Nameless, 3 anti-heroes. The former two being people fully dedicated to their close personal connections (even if in Nero’s case she feels a close personal connection to all Roman people) in almost complete disregard to morality or external circumstance. The latter is a wholly kindhearted person forced to kill others to survive. The parallels with Hakuno are pretty clear, especially with Nameless. So, running along with this line, we get:

Billy the Kid

This is one of weaker picks because I feel like it overlaps with Nameless a bit too much, as a sorta decent person turned brutal murder by the violent environment of their era. But like Hakuno and unlike Nameless, Billy is completely open about he considers himself an evil person. Normally I’d think a self-proclaimed evil partner (I’m thinking Drake or Moriarty) would encourage Hakuno’s worst habits, but I think Billy can work because we’ve already seen him on Lostbelt 1 taking this role of someone who makes the harsher, crueler calls for a kind and naive Master who still isn’t ready for it. Despite parroting Hakuno’s “I’m evil, actually”, I believe he wouldn’t encourage Hakuno to deny their own good nature. Instead he would encourage them to be rootin’, be tootin’, and by God be shootin’, but most importantly, be kind.

Miyamoto Musashi 

Same reasoning as Billy. The two had an entire conversation about in Anastasia. Also this one overlaps with Nero even harder than Billy overlaps with Nameless.

Yan Qing

Same reasoning as Billy and Musashi, this time without any real evidence. 

*Okita is another candidate for this same reasoning but I’ll keep her out of the list because her dynamic with Hakuno would be too much of a repeat of her dynamic with Kanata.

Dr. Jekyll

Another person trying really poorly to cope with a murder they’ve committed, but completely unlike Hakuno, Jekyll desperately tries to deny his evilness by framing as a separate side of himself completely alien to the gentleman doctor. I’ll admit I picked this one just for the potential Hakuno has to help Jekyll grow instead of the other way around.

Arjuna

The anti-Jekyll. Identical to Hakuno on how their characters are defined by committing war crimes once and never getting over it. Anyways, they are both actually really good people and have stubborn enough personalities to force each other acknowledge the good in themselves.

Ashwattaman

Fitting with how Yuga Kshehtra plays it itself as a CCC sequel, Pepe is a character designed to be extremely similar to Hakuno. So much so that I consider Ashwattaman to compatible with Hakuno for the exact same reasons he’s compatible with Pepe. Ash is a man who choose to embrace his flaws as hard as possible to maintain his grasp on his identity. He identifies as rage itself and aims to be the angry voice of indignation for those who feels like they don’t have the right to be angry. He’s there just to support people resigned to the cruelty fate forced upon them, and Hakuno is just as ripe of a partner for that as Pepe, so let him yell at Hakuno’s enemies in their stead.

Nagao Kagetora

Like Jekyll, I’m picking Kagetora just for Hakuno’s potential to support her, not the opposite. Kagetora’s backstory can easily be framed as a darker take on Hakuno’s character arc. They were both forced into situations where killing was necessary, but instinctively knew that killing is wrong. Hakuno pursued this dilemma incessantly for the first half their game until they found a satisfactory answer. Kagetora, on the other hand, just asked her family questions and got responded with a “You don’t have to understand, just follow this moral code to a T and you can look human enough even you don’t have a clue what being human is about”. Hakuno’s struggles to rationalize his own morality would clash heard with Kagetora’s whole deal and force her to make attempts to genuinely understand who she is and how she’s supposed to behave.

Nezha

Nezha is the best I can get in terms of a polar opposite to Hakuno. Hakuno sees themself as an evil person while remaining so concerned about the blood in their hands that it composes their entire character motivation. Nezha seems himself as a good and virtuous hero while constantly suggestion every problem in front of him should be solved with violence. Like with his self-proclaimed father above, the dynamic would a lot about Hakuno forcing their Servant to question things they were ok with not understanding, but I think the relationship here would be more balanced than it was with Kagetora.

Nightingale

You probably knew this was coming. I’ve talked about it before. Pairing Hakuno with unambiguously good people is not the best, yeah, but this is a valid exception because she’s my favorite Servant a character directly connected to CCC’s development background and themes, a solid match to Hakuno’s description of an ideal person, and someone exactly as self-destructive as they are. She’s easily my first pick for an additional Hakuno Servant and is only not the first on this list because I didn’t want to open with the odd one out.

Sakamoto Ryouma

Another match to Hakuno’s CCC description of the ideal person. The self-destructiveness is also there, but in a weirder and less direct way than it is with Nightingale. Again, I shouldn’t be assigning them unambiguously good people, but Ryouma is balanced by Oryou’s chaotic energy and the second half of this list already devolved into “characters I like a lot”, so why not.

On the subject of characters I like a lot, Arash fits just as well as Nightingale and Ryouma, but like Okita, he’s off because the dynamic would be too much of a repeat of his dynamic with Elsa.

[katehuntington]

Title: In Bad Waters - part two Word count: ±1550 words Episode summary: Still in possession of the Winchesters’ belongings, Zoë meets up with the hunters on her next case. When it turns out to be a little more complicated than anticipated, she accepts their help in order to make an important deadline. Part two summary: Zoë wakes up from another horrific flashback and tries to put the pieces together. Episode warnings: Dark! NSFW, 18+ only! Descriptions of domestic violence/child abuse. Drug use/addiction. Angst, gore, violence, character death. Description of blood, injury and medical procedures/resuscitation. Swearing, alcoholism. Supernatural creatures/entities, mentions of demon possession. Descriptions of torture and murder, drowning. Illegal/criminal practices. Mentions of nightmares and flashbacks. Author’s note: Beta’d by @winchest09​​, @kittenofdoomage​​ & @girl-with-a-fandom-fettish​​. Thanks, girls!

Supernatural: The Sullivan Series Masterlist

S1E02 “In Bad Waters” Masterlist

     Paragould, Arkansas      November 25th, 2005 - Present day

     Gasping for air Zoë bolts upright in her bed. Breathing heavily, she stares at the wall in front of her, her eyes wide. It takes a moment before it settles in what just happened. Chill, take a breath, it was just another vision. 

     She swallows thickly, fighting the panic that got triggered. Closing her eyes, she inhales and lets the air slip from her lips, counting the seconds as she does so, waiting until her heart slows down. Exhausted she falls back on her pillow, worn out by the terrible night’s sleep. Fuck, that was worse than a bad trip. She feels like she just got out of a car crash; beat, sore, and confused. The restless dream has covered her skin in a thin layer of sweat and yet she feels stone cold. 

     A gaze at the clock on the cabinet informs her of the time, it’s 7:15 in the morning. She huffs, and she had hoped to sleep in. The familiar migraine pushes itself to the foreground and she squints; wonderful, just what she needed. 

With her eyes still half closed, she does her best to ignore the golden morning light coming from the tall windows. After throwing her legs over the side of the king size bed, she walks over to the luxurious bathroom; time to freshen up and at least come across as respectable again. 

     Every time she wakes up from one of these damn things, she’s unprepared for the blinding pains and black spots, even though she has experienced them plenty of times before. She's not really sure why she's still surprised by the effects, the aftermath has been very consistent so far. 

     Without looking at the faucet - her eyes narrowed to shut out the beams coming from the ceiling lamp - the huntress turns it on, the hot water steaming up the large mirror. She takes off her shirt and shorts and quickly finds comfort under the warm shower. As soon as the droplets hit her skin, a feeling of relief and relaxation washes over her. 

     Now that she’s getting back to her old self again, the tiredness sets in. How long did she sleep, an hour or two, maybe? After an exhausting eight hour drive - including a quick shower stop to get rid of the smell she was still carrying with her after her previous case - she finally arrived in Paragould. She checked into the first four star hotel she could find, got out of her clothes, and crashed on the bed. 

     As the warm water cleanses her, Zoë starts to take out the details of the images that she just saw during her sleep. It was the same dream she had the night before, the setting identical. She concentrates and brings back the memories she has been playing over and over in her head.

     “- that’s good news for the locals down there, let’s see if Brian can give us some positive news about the weather.”      “Well Julia, that I can. Looks like it’s going to be another sunny day in Greene County tomorrow. Clear blue skies, a mild, refreshing breeze from the southwest and a temperature of, brace yourself, 83° average, which is rather warm for this time of the year. Even when we look further up this week, it seems like this mild weather just keeps on going. Great circumstances for September and fall isn’t coming to Arkansas any time soon.”

     She could hear it so clear in her dream, the six o'clock weather forecast of the local TV station, somewhere September this year. After some research she found Greene County, in the far north east of the State of Arkansas. Over 38.000 people live in this county, with Paragould as its metropolitan area with a population of almost 25.000. Besides the fact that it seemed obvious to take a look in the largest city first, for some reason when that name appeared on her computer screen, she just knew this was where she needed to go. 

     Zoë turns off the shower and steps on the warm rug outside the cabin, after which she grabs a clean towel from the drying frame. For a second she glances at the stitched bullet wound next to her bellybutton, an injury which she suffered almost two days ago; it’s healing fine. With a second towel folded around her head and the other tightened around her chest, she walks out into the main room. It is a lot better than the previous motel; the colors are fresh and the room spacious. The furniture dissipates class, an abstract painting on the wall that could have been a Picasso only adding to that. 

     Now that the bad headache finally starts to fade, she can face the sunrise outside. Even though the temperature isn’t as high as it would be during July or August, the forecast hints for a lovely autumn day, even this late in the year. It’s just now that Zoë sees the cemetery in the distance. She chuckles; she sure picked her spot. 

     As she scans her environment, her thoughts wander off to Sam. She’s not exactly sure why she can’t stop thinking about him, but she has a hunch. Her dreams, his dreams, their dreams. Zoë was quite surprised when Sam mentioned he has been having nightmares, it got even weirder when she learned that he dreams about bad things happening to people, and it became scary when she realized his dreams actually come true. Familiar? Just a little, but not entirely, though. Sam apparently sees things that are about to happen, while she herself sees what already has. Zoë can’t help but wonder how it’s possible that two complete strangers have these visions, not to mention the chances of those two people meeting. Think about it; what if they are not the only ones?     A sigh escapes from her lips; there was a time that she could barely picture seeing the past or the future to be possible. What a weird world they live in. 

     She turns around and gazes at her messy bed for a moment. It seems to invite her back in and she would gladly like to crawl under those warm covers again and sleep some more. Then again, what’s the use if she’s going to wake up an hour later with the exact same images in her head, feeling just as horrible as she did a moment ago? She needs to charge her battery, though, able to count the number of hours she slept last week on two hands. No human being can keep this up, and if she wants to make good time on this case, she needs to be awake. 

     Contemplating, Zoë glances at the suitcase, custom made to fit the saddle bag of her Harley. After pulling the towel from her head and drying her hair with it, she tosses it on the bed and walks over. The huntress picks up the case and lays it on the bed, taking out her neatly folded clothes until she sees the lining. She folds back the seam, exposing a small zipper. Staring at the hidden pocket, she bites her lip. The doctor she was meant to be says she’s out of her fucking mind, but let’s face facts here: she’s running out of fuel. Just one line, she tells herself, taking out the little zip bag, containing a pinkish powder. Just to kick start this day and get this job over with.

     It’s not cocaine, nor is it meth; she’s not that suicidal. But a dose of amphetamine sulphate, otherwise known as speed, will give her the rush she needs and help her focus, despite the sleep deprivation. 

     Having done this numerous times already, Zoë takes the small mirror from the back of her suitcase and lays it down on the side table. She crushed the crystals at home already, powder taking up less space. Carefully, she tips what she estimates to be half a gram onto the reflecting surface, closing the bag before taking a scalpel blade and a short straw from the same secret compartment, tearing it out of the plastic. Skillfully, she chops the small particles and sweeps them into a line of about three inches with the blade. Holding one side of her nose closed and placing the straw up her other nostril, she positions the tiny tube at the end of the line and chases it, inhaling the drug swiftly. Zoë kicks back her head and takes a deep breath, feeling the chemicals prick between her eyes as her sinus cavity absorbs the amphetamines. She sniffles and wipes her nose, getting to her feet to clean up. 

     It will take a moment for the drugs to kick in, but when it does, she knows she will feel unstoppable and sleep will be the last thing on her mind. Deep down she’s walking a dangerous path, but isn’t that all she does? She’s a hunter for fuck’s sake; life doesn’t get more dangerous than that. Honestly, she stopped caring a long time ago. Death is inevitable, and with her lifestyle it’s going to be sooner than later. She might as well live on the edge and have some sweet nose candy along the way.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to reblog my work or buy me coffee (Link in bio at the top of the page)

Read chapter three here

[ghost--facers]

S01E02 - Wendigo (Part Five)

A/N: Hey guys, I’m back! Wow, it has only been like two years! Hahaha. I finally found Supernatural again and I started binging and I just couldn’t get writing out of my head! So here it is: part five of the second episode of the Series One (Wendigo) imagine series I’m doing where I rewrite the reader into Supernatural. Feedback is appreciated and if you want to be tagged in the next part please let me know! I hope you like it x

Characters: Dean (eventual Dean x reader), Sam, Hailey (+ other characters from the episode)

Warnings: Swearing Word Count: 2695

Description: The reader continues to hunt the Wendigo with the Winchester Brothers.

----

Episode One

Wendigo : Part One    Part Two    Part Three   Part Four

----

“Alright. Listen up!” Sam begun, nudging past you as he walked into the centre of th

After making makeshift bombs for around 30 minutes, which would’ve probably taken less time if Dean hadn’t had to teach Haley how to do it several times, you began to move away from camp. You had managed to control your nerves, for now anyway, and had only grabbed onto Dean’s jacket once but as a sign of affection. The patience he had with Hailey was incredible and you couldn’t help but smile when he kept looking over and rolling his eyes a little. You shouldn’t really smile at that, but it made you feel a little special that you were able to do it and she couldn’t… although you kept thinking that maybe you should have pretended to not understand how to make a homemade bomb so he could spend more time with you.

“Don’t you fucking dare start liking him, [y/n].” You mumbled to yourself.

“What?” Sam spoke, turning around to face you. He had clearly heard you mumble… hopefully not any exact words otherwise he’d be able to predict immediately. 

“Oh, nothing. Just humming a song.” You lied, before jogging up so you could walk next to him. Hailey and her brother were all in front of you and you were all following Dean who was leading the way.

“This is tiring.” You smiled, trying to make the whole situation, which was becoming eerie, more lighthearted. No one responded, but you heard a few scoffs from some of them. You were hoping one of them was from Dean.

___

“Are we setting up camp soon or like….?” You asked, bending down a little.

You had been walking for quite a while now and you could tell because it was hard to see. The sun had gone to bed and everything was one hundred times more creepy. The leaves seemed to crunch underfoot at a higher volume and the wind whistled through the trees like it was the last time it could and it was making the most of it. You hated it. But you couldn’t turn back.

“Dean!” Sam shouted, causing you to stand back up and look over. 

Sam had taken over as lead a while ago but Dean didn’t join you at the back, unfortunately, and you couldn’t catch up with him because you weren’t fast enough.

“What is it?” You heard him reply, and ran over to sit next to him. You were nosy and wanted to know what was happening. Plus, you really didn’t want to be at the back anymore… it was getting too creepy.

“Shit.” Your murmured, looking around all the trees that each had a massive claw mark ripped into it which were covered in blood.

Sam then pushed you and Dean to the side, but quite unexpectedly so you freaked out a little bit but calmed down when you noticed who it was.

“You know, I was thinking that those claw prints are so clear and distinct… they were almost too easy to follow.” He whispered.

“Like… it’s a trap?” You answered, swivelling around to face both of them.

They didn’t have time to answer, as a growl surrounded all your ears and you whipped around in all possible angles to check if something was there. You hadn’t noticed you had backed up, trying to get closer to Dean, until you hit him.

“Sorry.” You muttered, still frantically looking around.

“Don’t be.” He replied, before grabbing your hand in his and giving it a little squeeze before releasing. 

It had only been for a second, but your heart couldn’t take it and your nervous stomach, that was making you feel ill, got overtaken by butterflies who were making you motion sick.

You looked at Dean who was searching around, for a shadow that had flittered past, and you felt comfortable in his presence; even if you were being chased by a Wendigo. 

However, your uncomfortableness soon reared its ugly head again as you heard a loud scream erupt from Hailey and a loud thud followed. 

You turned around quickly, searching around for Hailey, who was now sprawled across the floor, and directly next to her was a body. The butterflies had left, replaced again with pure dread, as you and Sam ran up to her to ask if she was okay.

As Sam lifted her from the ground, you turned your attention back towards Dean who was leaning over the body. It was Roy. The sickness rose. You didn’t like the man, but he didn’t deserve the fate he met.

“His neck is broken.” Dean softly spoke, drawing his attention to the forest canopy.

The snarls continued, growing louder, destroying the time for mourning.

“Okay, run, run! Go, go, go, go!” Dean screamed, giving you no time to think as he pushed you forward.

You were thankful for this though, your brain had given up. It wasn’t used to seeing all the death and pain that people had to endure. 

You, like everyone else, ran forward, not worrying about if your legs would suddenly collapse. Although you felt like they would. You heard someone’s legs actually do this, but didn’t turn around. You knew you would feel guilty about it later, but right now you were just focused on running. 

A little too fast though, as you suddenly crashed into someone or something. 

Your head burned and your body stung in every possible place. And then it went black. 

___

“Dean? Sam?” You whispered hoarsely. Your eyes began to burn as you opened, dust settling over the lids. “Dean? Sam?”

You couldn’t help but cry out as you saw the decrepit place you were being held. The rope bore into your skin, the dry air attacking your lungs. Where were you? What had happened? A low growl murmured through the underground pathway. Tears escaped your eyes, you were locked up, abandoned. You could even be dead, you didn’t know.

“Guys please.” You could only manage a whisper as you floated back into unconsciousness. 

___

“[Y/N], it’s okay sweetheart, we got you.”

You looked up at Dean smiling down at you. While the sky was a beautiful bright blue with not a single cloud in sight, you could only focus on the beauty put before you. Dean smiled down at you, a sense of concern glazing over his eyes. What a perfect moment it was, just you and Dean. Even if you had just fallen flat on the floor...

You closed your eyes, a smile plastered on your face - this moment could never be beaten. You slipped your hand into his, feeling the warmth of his palm and the tightness of his grip. You didn’t need to see his face to know he was sliming down at you, but you opened your eyes nonetheless.

“Sweetheart, it’s okay,” Dean assured, holding onto your waist, gripping you tight.

When your eyes opened you thought you’d see the young, bright face of an eighteen-year-old Dean, so fresh and full of life. What was actually looking down at you was the dirty, stern face of a much older Dean that had clearly been to the depths of Hell and back.

Tears streamed down as you recalled your situation, being close to death tied up underground by a Supernatural being. A Supernatural being you didn’t even know existed until yesterday. Mostly you were crying because you’d been found, and Dean was holding you tight as you went through this terrifying experience.

“My knight in shining armour.” You scoffed as he untied your wrists, allowing blood to flood to them again. “At least I know I’ve always got you to save me.”

Dean dropped the rope to the floor and grabbed your waist once again, looking down at your intently. You felt yourself blush as you looked back up at him. Hopefully, the dirt caked across your face would hide it. 

“Always, [Y/N].” He whispered, leaning down to kiss the top of your forehead. “Always.”

“Guys, come on,” Sam muttered, breaking the moment. It didn’t do anything to stop the swirling in your stomach though. “Let’s go find, Tommy.”

You spent a couple minutes adjusting to the environment, grabbing onto Dean for support, before you felt stable enough to pick up the pace and walk yourself. You trapsed through the underground corridors with Sam, Dean, Haley, and her brother by your side and soon enough you came across another body hanging and limp.

“No.” Haley gasped running towards the lifeless body in front of us. 

She grabbed hold of him, trying to hide the tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. You couldn’t look, you couldn’t imagine how she must be feeling. You lowered your head, suppressing tears of your own.

A sudden gasp brought your attention back to Tommy. He was awake. Breathing. Alive! The joy on Haley’s face was unimaginable, and everyone began clamouring toward him.

“Cut him down,” Haley spoke, holding onto her brother's face. 

You moved toward his and helped Sam with cutting the rope holding Tommy’s legs, lowering him to the ground, and removing the bindings on his feet.

“It’s okay. We’re gonna get you home.” Haley spoke as a smile of relief broke across Tommy’s face.

You looked at his face once more before glancing over at Dean. He was rummaging through some bags and pulled out two objects which looked like guns. A few weeks ago that would’ve surprised you but your facial expression now didn’t change.

“Check it out!” Dean spoke as he waved the guns, drawing everyone’s attention to him.

“Flare guns. Those will work.” Sam responded, a smile creeping onto his face.

“Let’s get going then.” You smiled back at Sam before looking over at Dean. You thought you saw him wink at you but maybe you were wrong… it was dark after all.

____

You began walking through the corridors once more, eyes alert for any movement. You were scared, you couldn’t deny it, but there was no way a Wendigo was gonna defeat you.

I’m not dying in a fucking cave, you thought to yourself, and even if I did, I’ll go down fighting.

“Looks like someone’s home for supper.” Dean scoffed, as a low rumble ran down the cave.

“We’ll never outrun it!” Haley exclaimed. For a girl who's just been through so much, her face was plagued with steely determination. 

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Dean asked Sam, with them exchanging glances between them. You knew at some point you’d be privy to their physic plans too and you couldn’t wait.

“I think so.” He responded, hiking up the flair even higher.

“Alright, listen to me. Stay with Sam. He’s gonna get you out of here.” Dean turned facing all of you.

“What are you gonna do?” Haley’s concern grew.

“Dean, you can’t face that thing alone.” You whispered, a tremor becoming more apparent.

He just looked at you, winked again, and ran out into another lane.

“He’s a fucking idiot.” You sighed as he screams out “It’s chow time, you freaking bastard”.

He continued screaming as you stayed by Sam’s side. You knew he was more than capable but it didn’t hurt any less and your mind couldn’t stop thinking about what would happen if he failed.

“All right, come on. Hurry!” Sam shouted, urging you guys to move into a different area. For once in your life, you were obedient and followed him.

You continued through the tunnel, hearing the growl of the beast rising. 

“Get out of here,” Sam spoke, nodding towards the exit of the cave.

“No!’ Haley replied.

“Come on.” You spoke. It hurt your heart to leave Sam but you knew they had a plan and that they’d be able to survive. They had to survive. “He’ll be fine, let’s go.”

Haley looked at you and you felt a sense of admiration from her as you looked back. You managed a weak smile as you lead them out of the cave and into the brightness.

You wished it was as easy as that but the Wendigo appeared from nowhere. The sound of its growls was deafening and it unnerved you to hear him chasing after you.

It’ll all be okay, you spoke to yourself as you listened to both the growls and the screams attacking you from all sides.

“Get behind me!” Sam spoke, as he covered you all with his width. You looked as the Wendigo closed in on you. 

Well, I guess I am dying in a cave you muttered shutting your eyes tight. What even was your life right now?

You opened your eyes to face your killer and its gargantuan frame glared back. The off-grey skin covered in sparse white hairs seemed only fitting for this crooked nose monster. It was horrific, everything about it. But you stared. There was no way you weren’t facing it in your last moments.

“Hey!” Dean screamed, causing it to turn around only to be greeted with flare. It burned inside of it, melting it to the ground as it cried out in agony. In the end, there was nothing left, just a heap of flames on the ground.

“Not bad, huh?” Dean smiled, plaguing the rest of you with a smile too.

“Not bad at all.” You grinned shaking your head at him.

____

You were sat at the steps on the information cabin at the Ridge, staring off into space. You’d just spoken to the local police about the 900-pound grizzly you’d faced that had terrorised your camp and killed a member of your group. It was complete shit, but as if the police force would actually believe you.

“Hey,” Dean whispered, saddling up beside you. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

“Don’t be. You’ve saved my life twice now.” You smirked up at him. “Whatever can I do to repay my knight in shining armour?”

“I could think of a few things.” He smirked back as you rested your head on his shoulder.

“Truly though, I am sorry.” He spoke, placing an arm around you. “I didn’t mean to be a dick and I hurt you.”

“It’s okay, Dean. I forgive you.” You replied, leaning into him. “Oh, and I heard what you called out when I ran to get Roy.” 

“I didn’t say anything.” You replied, blushing.

“Mhmm. You’re cute.” He laughed, although it came out as a whisper, almost as if he didn’t want you to hear.

A smile swarmed across your face.

You wanted to say more. About how much it meant to you to be back with them, how much you loved being around him, and what you actually felt about him, even if you didn’t know what it fully was yet. But you couldn’t, so you just closed your eyes, snuggled into him more and felt his arm tighten around you.

____

You watched Haley and her brother drive away in the back of an Ambulance with Tommy. You were perched in between Sam and Dean with a police blanket wrapped around you.

“Man, I hate camping,” Dean muttered, as you all watched the vehicle drive away. “Me too,” Sam replied.

“Me fucking three.” You sighed, wrapping the blanket tighter, the boys laughing as you did so.

“Hey, Sam, you know we’re going to find Dad right?” Dean spoke after listening to multiple sighs coming from Sam’s direction.

“Yeah, I know.” He responded. “But in the meantime, I’m driving.”

“Ooohh, this just got good.” You laughed. “Shotgun!”

“Wait, not fair.” Dean protested.

“Sorry Dean, but she did call shotgun.”

Dean fished into his pocket, producing the keys before throwing them over to Sam. He looked so heartbroken.

“Poor baby.” You said as you ruffled his hair and clamoured into the passenger seat.

You could see the worry radiating off of him as he got into the very back of the Impala and stretched his legs over the seat.

“It’s fine. It’s fine.” He tried to convince himself, closing his eyes as he did so.

You saw your window of opportunity and moved the blanket off you and draped it over him as he lied down.

“Goodnight little baby.” You whispered, hearing Sam laugh and Dean trying to cover his own amusement.

----

Tags: @shut-ur-face-and-get-in-the-car @jules12345678910 @anolympianhero @cra-zy-vib-es1999 @sherlock44 @for-a-brothers-love @puppies-make-me-extra-happy @dean-is-my-favorite @a-little-bit-of-everythin @dean-is-a-cutie @be-with-me-for-evermore @tbk28 @haveyoumetmeyet @that-was-scary @in-deans-arms @it-could-go-off @dean-is-my-superhero @kgbrenner @kingkenzieo @the-angels-stole-the-tardis @shizzybarnaclee @mellowlandrunaway2 @captainjacklynmarie

(Let me know if you want to be tagged in the next part!)

[hellomynameisbisexual]

How Do Bi Parents Come Out to Their Kids?

It’s not always straightforward.

By Lux Alptraum

As the author of multiple memoirs, psychotherapist Wendy C. Ortiz, M.F.T., is no stranger to personal disclosures. In her books, she’s told readers about her teenage sexual exploits and her struggles as a 20-something Angeleno, and she’s even provided lengthy descriptions of her dreams. But over the past few years, Ortiz has been navigating a different disclosure wholly unlike the ones that have shaped her literary career: coming out as bisexual to her young daughter.

“We’re still trying to find a way to explain it without opening a can of worms that we are not quite prepared for yet,” Ortiz tells SELF.

Ortiz’s nine-year-old daughter has always been aware that her parents are not straight—being raised in a household with two moms made that evident. But Ortiz’s bisexuality has been a more complicated identity to discuss, one that expands beyond her current relationship and encompasses a broader swath of who she is as a person. Over the past few years, she’s been experimenting with how to be open and honest with her daughter in an age-appropriate, accessible way that offers comfort and clarity rather than just creating more confusion. Though Ortiz and her family have started the conversation, it remains a work in progress.

She’s hardly the only parent to find herself in this situation.

There are a lot of reasons bi parents choose to come out. For many bi parents, sharing their identity can feel essential to providing their children with an open-minded understanding of the world around them. “I’ve always wanted to give my son what I didn’t have growing up,” Ellie W., 25, tells SELF. Her own religious upbringing didn’t include open conversations about sex and identity.

For others, being out about their identity can feel like a way of encouraging honest communication with their children. “I decided relatively early on in my then partner’s pregnancy that I wasn’t going to be secretive about stuff, because I had dealt with a lot of secretive approaches in my own family around all sorts of things. It was bad for me and also bad for the rest of the family,” Jerome C., 44, tells SELF.

And in a political environment that’s increasingly hostile to LGBTQ+ folk, some parents see informing their children about their bisexuality as an important part of preparing their kids for the future. “To be trans and bi is to be pretty visible,” Nola P., 36, tells SELF. “I wanted to make sure that they understood some of the things that might happen, and how it might affect our family directly.”

That sense of community, identity, and visibility is a big part of why some parents might feel driven to open up this discussion with their kids. Being open about your bi identity can help combat bisexual erasure and help kids understand bisexuality not just as an abstract concept but as the identity of someone they’re close to. It can also help create a sense of open dialogue that will serve kids later in life if they wind up identifying as queer.

“Parents might think in the back of their heads, Well, what if my child was bisexual? I would want them to feel like they could come out to me. So I should come out to them and be that role model that they deserve,” Dan Rice, M.Ed., executive director at the sex education organization Answer at Rutgers University, tells SELF.

Indeed, Mike F., 42, was prompted to come out to his teenage daughter after she came out to him first. “I don’t remember the exact conversation, but she made a joke about not being ‘exactly straight,’ and I said, ‘You and me both, baby girl.’ She paused, looked at me, and said, ‘Cool,’” he tells SELF.

Of course, there are a few reasons coming out as bisexual to your kids can be complicated. For one, bi parents who choose to broach this topic with their children run the risk of facing judgment from family members, friends, and community members who consider this disclosure to be TMI. On a popular podcast I listen to, a women’s health expert advised an audience member against coming out to her daughter as bi, saying that it was a discussion best reserved for older kids. The expert’s reasoning? The audience member’s young child wasn’t ready to hear about who her mommy liked to have sex with.

Um. While most of us would agree that frank discussions of adults’ sex lives aren’t an appropriate topic for children, coming out as bisexual to your kids in no way means giving them an extensive overview of everyone you’ve slept with (and how). “Being bi isn’t just about how you have sex and who you have sex with, it’s about how you understand desire and love and connection and community,” Cory Silverberg, an award-winning sex educator and author of Sex Is a Funny Word, tells SELF.

Though some parents might fret about the possibility of burdening their children with too much information at too young an age, Rice doesn’t think parents need to worry about having this conversation too soon. “It’s never too early,” he says. “What we’re explaining to children is love, and who we love and have a special love for. Children understand love.”

Then there’s the fact that starting the conversation can feel complicated and intimidating. A simple way in might be a casual disclosure during a discussion about different styles of relationships, something like, “Some people fall in love with people of a different gender, some people fall in love with people of their own gender, and some people, like me, can fall in love with people of any gender.”

It’s also key to keep in mind that your kid might not react with enthusiasm or even interest. “This could be a conversation that the parent might hope is longer, but maybe the kid isn’t interested, and it’s something to come back to,” says Ortiz, who in addition to navigating this on her own also works with many queer patients as a psychotherapist. Ortiz recommends mainly letting the child lead the discussion: Tie your disclosures to questions they’ve brought up about relationships or love or identity rather than forcing them to listen to a personal monologue that they’re not ready for or couldn’t care less about right now.

In Jerome’s case, he first discussed gender and sexuality with his son when the child was nine. “It was around that time that one of his cousins came out as transgender, so that gave me the opening,” he says. “I tried to make it ‘not a big deal,’ which meant that, in turn, he didn’t seem particularly fazed by anything I was saying or talking about.”

Above all, it’s important to remind your kid that having a bisexual parent doesn’t change things or mean that their life isn’t going to be the same. Even if this information is new to them, it doesn’t change who you are: a parent who loves them very much.

For many, this is bound to be an ongoing discussion, not a single conversation. The conversation you have with your kids about your sexual identity is likely to shift and expand over the years as your children get older and better able to understand more complex topics. Silverberg recommends using pop culture as an entry point to additional conversations. If you’re watching a Disney movie, for instance, you can remind your child that not all princesses marry princes: Some might marry other princesses, some might be happy with either option, and some might decide they’re not interested in marriage at all.

This can be especially useful for younger children. Ellie says her son is too young to understand sexual and romantic attraction, so she describes her own partners as “friends” but encourages him to observe diversity in the world around him. “He seems entirely [unbothered] by the idea that some children can have two mamas or two dadas or two mamas and one dada,” she says. “He found it quite amusing that there are infinite possibilities of how to make up a family.”

In Ortiz’s own home, the conversations about identity started around the time her daughter turned six. It was something, she tells me, that largely happened organically. When her daughter started talking about kids at school having crushes on each other, Ortiz and her partner gently brought up the idea that people can have crushes on someone the same gender as them as well as on people of different genders. Meanwhile, shows like the cartoon Steven Universe showcase queer relationships in a fun and casual way and have given the family an opportunity to talk about the wide variety of relationships humans might arrange ourselves in.

When Ortiz’s daughter stumbled on photos of Ortiz with an old boyfriend, Ortiz didn’t shy away from being honest about who that person was in her life. “In the last year we’ve approached the subject that I was once married to a man,” Ortiz says. “It’s like, ‘Oh, this is Mommy’s identity,’ versus her other mother who identifies as lesbian.”

As the years have passed, it’s become clear that the many conversations they’ve had about identity and relationships have had an impact on Ortiz’s daughter. When she talks about the future, Ortiz says, her daughter leaves the question of her own orientation open. “She will preface by saying, ‘And I might be with a girl or a boy.’” Thanks to her mothers’ openness about their own identities, she’s able to be confident that whomever her future relationships end up being with, she’ll have the support and love of her family. Which is, of course, what truly matters.

[nightslain]

Sin, I got a ?.. How do you know if a muse is right for you? I am trying to find a muse, but having some trouble. I feel like so many characters only sORt of work well with me? I feel like I'm better suited for villains, but not many of them are actually pretty soft deep down (like, super soft) and I feel like that's what I'm naturally inclined to play. So I have a hard time vibing with a muse really strongly. Might have to make an OC, hm. If you know some good soft villains, tell me, haha..

In my experience, the best way to learn is always to do. Finding a muse well suited to you and your style is never an exact, predictable science and largely depends upon pure experimentation and playing by ear; speaking from experience, I’ve had a total of 24 independent muses on tumblr, and of them all, only 11 actually remain to the present day. I was pretty sure of my dedication to all of them at the point of their inception, but actually writing with them proved a different story. Some I just couldn’t gel with or thoroughly enjoy, some just were too difficult or awkward to apply to a roleplay setting and others simply proved to be a lot duller to write than I imagined them. I know I am meant for a muse when writing them is as easy as it is enjoyable--it comes to me naturally and I am not constantly stressing over how to emulate their speech, their body language, their thoughts, their beliefs--so on and so forth. I find the more I’m constantly struggling with my portrayal, the less that muse is suited to me and my particular writing style. If I can’t understand or entirely grasp a character as an author, regardless of how much I like them, I tend to get frustrated or flat-out bored very quickly. Leon is my magnum opus in the sense I have never been this consistently excited and happy to play a muse before him, nor spent nearly as much time constantly developing him down to the ridiculously tiny details and relishing in doing so. In short, he just came easily to me! I connect with him, his story and his themes very closely and feel like I have a good, comfortable grasp on who he is as a character, at least in my mind’s eye (even if I’m sure there are others that still would obviously not agree with my characterisation or parts thereof, which is a given.)

Some of my old muses though? I couldn’t even figure out how to consistently write their dialogue after months of working with them and felt generally uncomfortable trying to actually get my portrayal written down. The process was always tedious, difficult and unsatisfying to slog through. I just couldn’t do it! And in some cases, I just didn’t actually like the muse enough to really put the time in to make it work when the muse didn’t come as naturally as some do. Some characters you just can’t connect with on any real level when you try to work with them on grounds as personal as breathing life into them as a writer. Its a labour of love, after all! And some muses we just don’t love that much even if the idea of them is tantalising. It’s often surprising how little you like some muses you thought you loved once you’re the one trying to emulate their personality!

So my first piece of more general advice would be the following...

Experiment with any muses you’ve been fancying regardless of whether you think they align with your current ‘vibe--you never know what you will gel with until you try it proper--but don’t officially bring those muses to tumblr etc. until you’ve had some solid practice with them first. I’ve wasted so much time making blogs and aesthetics for muses that didn’t even last a month for any number of reasons, and to me personally, it was generally a pretty embarrassing affair to constantly hype up friends and followers to get excited for a new muse, only to permanently abandon them shortly thereafter when I didn’t like writing them as much as I thought I would and wanted out. Tumblr also enforces a lot of pressure by creating an environment where you can end up feeling obligated to write, obligated to constantly create content, obligated to attract and engage a lot of followers and this all ends up being conducive to burn-out; plus in some cases, can contribute to wanting to just abandon your blog when it starts being a chore instead of a fun hobby--something I don’t think is good for anyone, let alone newer roleplayers in the current climate of the tumblr RPC.

I’d advise you start by roleplaying over discord with your friends or in servers with the muse you’re experimenting with to get a feel for their character and how well they suit your writing style, or if you even enjoy them in the first place. I also heavily endorse ooc discussion and plotting with others alongside actual IC interactions. This is a great, low-pressure environment for developing a taste for a muse, fleshing them out, learning your unique style of portraying them and naturally, if you actually do want to commit to that muse after all. Much of the development and decision making behind my newer muses all began and is still on-going on discord, which helps keep me in check and keep my muses fresh and exciting to write for!

As for your dilemma with the type of muses you’re looking to adopt, I feel like your struggle is coming from the fact you specifically want ‘soft villains’ which are in remarkably short supply simply because...well, villains are typically meant to be villainous, not soft. I very rarely see characters embodying both traits at once because the two generally don’t mix, and people trying to play blatantly evil characters while simultaneously making them soft and kind (even if not overtly) tends to just come across as woobifying your bad guy, depending on the context of the character. Conflicted villains do exist, angsty villains do exist, complex, multi-faceted villains do exist, but the defining trait of an antagonist remains the same; they are bad people purposefully doing bad things. Softness doesn’t often come into the equation for straight-laced villains unless they are a) a reluctant antagonist or b) a repentant antagonist. But in the latter case especially, they cease to really be a villain at the point they decide not to do villainous things and repent/pay for their wrongdoings. 

In my opinion, what you need is a compromise between the two in which you can have the best of both worlds, and one of the better ways to explore both dynamics in one entity is to explore characters that were not always inherently evil or villainous but are pushed there by extreme circumstances and become almost distinct entities from their old selves. Characters that have a past of kindness and philanthropy that are twisted into villains by circumstance, environment or life experiences, or vice versa, will allow you to have two distinct verses where you can explore either side of the coin in peace, at any given point in their path to villainy (or from it) that you desire. A good example that might be pertinent to you is Hector from the CV game Curse of Darkness. He begins as a villain serving under Dracula with his abilities as a Devil Forgemaster, only to grow reluctant in his duties and eventually abandons Dracula and the castle altogether, deciding it would be best if Dracula’s reign of terror was ended. He also forsakes his abilities as a Forgemaster and retreats into living a mundane human life until the events of Curse of Darkness, where he actually assumes the role of a Hero. A really good textbook example of a complex, conflicted villain who ends up repenting for his involvement in the bigger antagonist’s doings and becoming a good guy. Highly recommend you check out his game and read the accompanying manga if you haven’t already, as he might be just what you’re looking for.

Another option is to choose a character that has an alter-ego of sorts. In my case, I also run a duo-muse blog consisting of two vampiric muses. The first is Ayin, a God-figure who is cruel, ruthless, barbaric and, for lack of a better word, purely evil. The second is Carvel, a “clone” of Ayin who retains all of the former’s godly powers, but is trying to save the world from his true self and from other vampires Ayin created that prey on humans. He is a good man that wants to protect others and would put his own life on the line to do it. Naturally, this gives me a lot of room to play with both sides of the coin whenever I happen to feel like it, and my muse tends to fluctuate heavily on the daily between whether I want to write for a nastier muse or a gentler one.

Last of all? Maybe choose an antihero. A character that’s kind of a dick on the surface but isn’t actually a textbook villain, and will come through to do the right thing when push comes to shove. These are in much greater abundance in the media since they’re a pretty standard archetype and I think you won’t have much trouble singling out a muse that fits that description. Also gives a lot of wiggle-room to play with where characterisation is concerned!  (I’ve been watching a lot of Yu-Gi-Oh with my best friend and girlfriend lately and tbh Seto Kaiba is a prime example of a anti-hero in that he is so blatant about his distaste for the protagonists but always comes through to save their GD lives every single time.)

It’s a little beyond me to suggest characters for you to consider adopting as a muse since, naturally, I have no idea who you are as a person or what characters you already enjoy except maybe those from the Castlevania franchise (hence my one and only recommendation thus far of Hector.) But the best thing for you to do is just experiment with handfuls of muses from any franchise you enjoy, practice them with your friends, and eventually you’ll strike gold with the one you know is for you. Just keep searching and just keep trying.

[kyluxtrashpit]

TROS Review

Okay here is my extremely long (almost 4k words >.>) review of tros. And that’s without the 2k meta on redemption arcs I also have filed away lmao. First off: I am not leaving the kylux fandom. It’s not a good enough movie to warrant that. Second: I might make a post of things I wished we’d gotten later, but this is already WAY too long lmao. Warnings for spoilers, opinions, and general negativity

EXPLICIT RISE OF SKYWALKER SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT

So. I have watched the thing. I went in knowing the spoilers and oh boy, am I glad I did. Still, overall this movie was… not great lmao. It’s messy and the pacing is off and there are some very weird and straight up Bad moments, but I’m not actually upset about it anymore. It’s more like ‘there’s a lot to unpack here’ except we’re not going to unpack it or even throw away the whole thing, it’s just gonna become that one box that’s still packed and untouched from when you moved 3 years ago. It’s there, but you rarely think about it beyond the occasional ‘maybe I should finally unpack that? Nah, too much effort’

I see a lot of people writing fix it fic and that’s totally valid but tbh… I don’t think it’s worth the effort for me. I think I’m just going to pretend it never happened and write my kylux the way I always have. Maybe I’ll do something with tros at some point, maybe some mean!Hux + redeemed!Ben because I’m awful lmao but for now, it hasn’t changed my plans at all. Which is actually a good thing tbh

Anyway. I’ll start with the good simply because there’s less of it lmao. Best thing about the movie? Everyone in it is looking like a fucking snack. It’s great. These people have always been hot, but this movie really nailed that. Also the trio stuff was fun and felt genuine. I LOVED the hints that Finn is Force sensitive, and I liked him in this movie even though I wish he got more story/time. I enjoyed Rey at the beginning, but her actions and plotline made less and less sense as the movie went on. Kylo was fun; I had gotten worried after that interview that said he’s calm now but he wasn’t lmao, like at all, so that was good. Also I didn’t like how Hux died but I’m endlessly grateful Kylo wasn’t the one to kill him. That might’ve actually ruined the ship for me

The visuals were excellent (save that strobing near the beginning; I’m not epileptic, but I had to close my eyes because it was too much). Some of the jokes hit will, as did some of the emotional bits (Chewie’s “death” was very well-executed and Rey’s scream broke my heart). Weirdly enough, C-3PO is kind of the heart of the movie, which I did not expect at all. Lando’s appearances were too brief but good. I also loved D-O a lot and he’s very cute. I liked seeing a bunch of new planets and environments, however briefly. The acting was also really great throughout on most accounts. I really enjoyed 2 of the Hux scenes (when he’s sitting in that board meeting making a face like he’s mentally eviscerating everyone in the room and when he gets so excited to finally get to blow something up and then Kylo shuts him up with the Force BUT WITHOUT HARMING HIM!!!)

That’s kind of it tbh. The movie overall is really messy. I’ve seen people say it feels like a fever dream and it really does. I’ve seen descriptions of people dreaming the plot of tros and they’re less weird. The pacing in the first chunk is way too fast and there’s way too much to take in. Then things get weird in the middle. Then, well, that ending. It feels like it’s trying too hard to be liked. It’s ‘joke’, ‘reference to past movie’, ‘joke’, ‘reference to past movie’, ‘mention of hope without showing it’, etc. etc. on and on throughout it. Some of those are fun, but it got tiring very quickly. And it made it impossible for me to suspend disbelief long enough to actually get into it

I also saw a lot of reviews saying if you didn’t like tlj, you would like this one. That was not correct. I disliked this for many of same reasons I disliked tlj, but it also managed to hold tfa’s weaknesses as well. Honestly, tros feels like the worst aspects of tlj mixed with the worst aspects of tfa, mixed with way too much nostalgia and then blended up with a good heaping of mania and desperation to keep it going. It tried so hard, wanted to be liked so badly, and you can feel that watching it. It doesn’t feel genuine

It also feels like every single movie in the ST was actually from a different trilogy. None of the 3 connect to each other. You can’t say tros is a successor to tlj or tfa; it’s totally on a different path, which I’m honestly not sure how they managed that. As much as I felt tlj wasn’t a true continuation of tfa, tros feels like its own trilogy mashed into one movie. There wasn’t one consistent plot or character thread to follow between all 3 movies

I think bringing palpatine back was the first fundamental mistake. It didn’t fit. And after creating Kylo and Snoke to be very specifically Not Sith, why bring the Sith back all of a sudden? Palpatine has had his day and he didn’t need this. No one did. Much as he was creepy as hell and that was well done, it didn’t feel right to have him there. Also, I really don’t like the implication he procreated at any point skdfjskldjk

As for Rey… I know I’m in the minority here, but I never found here to be a good narrative foil for Kylo. The connection between the two doesn’t really interest me at all (and this was one of the reasons I didn’t like tlj). It worked better if they were related, which was the biggest reason I was a proponent of Rey Skywalker, but that didn’t happen. The commonalities they have are just: 1) can use the Force, 2) have been lonely. The contrasts are: 1) light vs dark (sort of; this is less explicit in tfa and I miss that greyer view of the Force) and 2) had a family vs didn’t. And that’s pretty much it. In order for 2 characters to contrast and hit the ‘complimentary opposites’ sweet spot, you need much, much more than that. Finn has and always will be a better foil for Kylo and it’s a damn shame they abandoned that in tlj and even more so in tros. I have more thoughts on her that I’ll get to later too

I did like Rey in the beginning, but the longer it went on, the less I could rationalize her actions. Why is she doing that? Why is she trying to ditch her friends all the time? Why does she heal the cave snake? Why does she stab Kylo when he’s just become a non-combatant? Why does she heal him after? Why is she trying to reach out to the spirits of past jedi? Why did she Do That after she wakes up in the end? Why did she then seem to not even care that Kylo died right after? None of this is explained. Show, don’t tell, is great, but you can’t just make massive leaps like that. I didn’t get it. None of this felt like the character I’ve gotten to know over the last few years, nor did it feel consistent within the movie itself

That said, I want to discount one complaint I’ve seen: I got no impression she’s exiling herself on Tatooine at the end. It’s very clear she’s just doing a quick funeral ritual for Luke and Leia. The Falcon is still there, ready for when she’s done. I don’t get where the ‘she’s all alone in the desert again forever and ever’ comes from because it’s clear she’s not. It’s just a private ceremony (plus obvious fanservice). That’s it

For Finn: I liked that his character got to be a lot cooler here. I’m sad that he didn’t get half the attention and plot he deserved, but at least he wasn’t treated as a joke and a coward. My tlj complaint for Finn was that he went through the exact same arc he did in tfa over again; here, he doesn’t. He’s clearly grown into himself. That I liked. But damn, he was supposed to be a main character and he really got sidelined hard. It’s also very clear finnrey was planned at some point but didn’t end up in the final cut. The tease with that felt cruel tbh. He deserved to get to tell Rey he loved her on screen

And Poe: Poe was okay in this one. He felt to me like a different character in tfa and tlj, but this one managed to mesh the two characterizations well. He’s a bit of a hothead who doesn’t think (tlj), but he also really cares about people and is trying his best to lead (tfa). That was very successfully done. However. Poe is the one character with the most backstory. He’s got novels, comics, all of it. Where in the fuck is this history of being a spice runner in all that??? Sketchy as hell to make your one Latino character being a drug runner but you know. It also felt like a HUGE retcon of the one character that actually has fully revealed backstory. Also his thing with Zori was just weird and forced and exhaustingly heterosexual. Completely pointless tbh

As I was rereading this, I realized I forgot Rose but really, that’s because she does pretty much nothing. She has very few lines, never comes along. It’s like they forgot she was there. Or just didn’t care. It was really sad and a huge disrespect to everything KMT has gone through. Both her and her character deserved more

For Hux: I liked the 2 scenes I mentioned above, but other than that I was disappointed. I said this on twitter already, but the biggest crime they committed was getting rid of his fanaticism. Tlj may have turned him into a joke, but at least he was still a zealot. Here, it’s clear he gave up his last fuck like a year ago. It’s 9 am and he’s had 6 glasses of wine because he’s lost the will to live and it’s all pointless. Might as well fuck around and give the Resistance info that might lead to the end of everything he’s worked for his entire life because nothing matters and at least Kylo will lose. That’s dumb and violently ooc. I get him being a traitor to Kylo, I am DOWN for that, but not to the FO. He cares about the FO. He is fanatically devoted to the FO. That was ridiculous and wildly out of character. Also the FO is just gone in favour of Palpatine’s fleet as soon as Hux dies? What happened to them? Are they still out there? Who even knows? WHAT A FUCKING WASTE

Also Pryde? Fuck that guy and fuck JJ/LF/Disney for thinking it’s okay to have an old imperial kill Hux. Especially since the visual dictionary today confirmed Pryde knew Brendol and our Hux had known him for years. The possible implications are gross as fuck. If anyone was going to kill Hux one on one, it should have been Finn (with a wonderful stormtrooper rebellion arc involved) for the sake of both characters. I’m personally going to choose to believe Hux was wearing a blaster proof vest (thank you, Delilah Dawson, for putting those into Black Spire as canon) and faked his death. He’s living in blissful exile with Millie now or rebuilding the actual FO and ready to take over as the Emperor he deserves to be

Oh and Leia’s scenes did feel weird. I appreciate them trying to incorporate her, but it didn’t quite work. I feel like having her be offscreen yet present would’ve worked better than most of what they used. Some worked better than others though. I also have some Thoughts about her death but I’m about to get into the second half of the movie stuff and I’ll cover that there

Now Kylo. My darling, sweet, disaster boy. So. Okay. I knew no matter what happened his end would be controversial. And I have a lot of feelings on redemption arcs that can be distilled into one thing: if they’re written well, I like them, no matter how much bad the character has done; however, they are almost never written well enough. One of the first things I said coming out of tfa back in 2015 is ‘that’s going to be a disappointing redemption arc in a few years’. It was never about what ending I wanted (I actually favour something more grey than simply ‘oh he’s good now’ or ‘dies evil’, but that was way too ambitious for them to attempt so I never bothered to hope for it), because I knew it was coming. So this didn’t really bother me beyond the fact that it was too sudden. I do blame that partially on tlj, because it took Kylo from conflicted and torn apart to ‘yeah, I’m in charge now’, but I still think this was not the way to do it. Anyway. I have a 2k word rant somewhere about redemption arcs and when they work and when they don’t that I never posted and this is the much, much shorter version of that

Also. Okay. One more thing on this. So I usually don’t like redemption arcs because they’re written badly, but my least favourite redemption arcs are those that end in death. The only one I can think of that actually worked was Vader’s, but it doesn’t work as well with Kylo. Why? Because redemption is about making amends, not being punished. It’s about choosing to stop doing bad shit and instead to do good things to make up for what you’ve done. In self-sacrifice, not only does it send the message that the only path to redemption is death, but also it means you do literally one thing and then die. That’s it. One good deed, die, you’re done. That’s too fucking easy. True redemption is waking up every single day, for the rest of your life, and continuing to choose to do good. You know that evil is easier, feels better; you’ve done it. But you’re making the choice to keep doing good and to make amends instead. And you do that for years. Decades, even. That is SO MUCH harder to do than just one good thing and then immediately dying without showing if that change is lasting or not. That is how redemption is achieved: in making that choice not once, but again and again and again. So yeah. I didn’t like that. Death redemptions aren’t convincing to me because one choice is easy; consistently making that choice over the rest of your life is much, much harder

End of point: if they were going to redeem Kylo, he needed to live and work to make up for his past mistakes in order to make it impactful. It’s a damn shame he didn’t

Also: having Leia die for the sake of a man, son or not? FUCK THAT. And, even worse, if we follow the movie’s logic: Leia died trying to reach and save her son. Which lead to… him dying anyway?! Which means Leia’s death is meaningless and she died for literally nothing. Fuck that. FUCK THAT. What the fuck. That’s bullshit

Again on the redemption: Kylo just… kills his good friends the KOR without a shred of hesitation? Also the KOR literally never speak? And Kylo says literally one word (‘ow’) after the redemption? I admit, it was fun watching him fight and also watching him get hurt. If I ignore the context of it, watching him crawl out of the pit, scrabbling on the ground, so hurt he can’t even stand up? Fuck. That was good shit tbh. Also those big, desperate puppy eyes. They’re even worse with him as Ben instead of Kylo. Bravo to Adam for playing such a convincing sad boy. I hate that his scar got healed though; I liked it

Now. The whole ending and the plot stuff. Rey being a palpatine is… okay. Fine. I don’t like it but whatever. Seems like an unnecessary excuse to bring him back. Also Luke and Leia knowing? How? Luke knew Rey for literally 1 day. And how would Leia know? And why not tell Rey, who was so desperate for answers to her past when they thought Palpatine was dead? It makes no sense. It’s just very unnecessary. Not to mention the line “you’re a palpatine” is not a thing any real human being would ever say, jfc that was clumsy and unrealistic dialogue. I don’t mind Rey going a bit dark for some time, but this was not the way to do it. Also I was really hoping for a resolution beyond ‘dark siders dead, light sider alive’ because the dichotomous nature of the Force MAKES NO SENSE. Balance is needed. Leaving the only Force user alive a light sider means something dark will come again for the sake of it – Rey should’ve gone grey and tbh tfa made me hope this trilogy would end with all surviving Force users grey. So that was disappointing

Now. The kiss. Straight up: I do not ship it. I don’t mind if other people do, but I do get touchy when they go out of their way to prove there’s nothing inherently problematic about it. I ship kylux; it’s problematic as hell. That’s a good part of why I like it. So I’m fine with r*ylo shippers as long as they do the same. Problem is: most don’t and go around insisting it’s actually the highest romance possible while leaning on incredibly misogynistic and racist tropes to prop up that argument rather than accept their ship has some questionable parts to it (like kyluxers do). It’s more a problem with the fandom for me than it is the ship in theory. Still, I don’t like it and that’s what matters for this

The fact of the matter is it felt extremely sudden and out of place. The entire first half of the movie is Kylo being an aggressive, creepy asshole to Rey. I can theoretically entertain the idea of Kylo having feelings for her (though I don’t), but I cannot see the other way around, not when Rey has so many kind, wonderful people around her. Which is why this feels so weird. There was not enough build to it. I saw a cam clip off reddit before I went in, so I had accepted it was happening but I expected a lot more lead up to it to make it not seem so sudden. None of that was there. There was no build up or reaching of understanding so it reads exactly like those versions of it I dislike: there is nothing wrong with a man berating you and insulting you and attacking you and you should love him for it. That is not enemies to lovers. That’s just abusive bullshit

And then the death. Both of them. Rey dies from… what exactly? It’s never shown at all. And same with Kylo. The leaks said it was Force exhaustion, which a) why? And b) that’s not clear in the damn movie. You need to explain things!!!! And also that means Leia, Luke, Kylo, and Rey all died (even if one didn’t stick) from using the Force too hard. Meanwhile Darth Maul survives getting cut in half and Palpatine survives falling down a shaft in a space station that explodes 2 minutes later (and, you know, all the wacky Force shit he did in this movie too). The fuck? It’s dumb. I hate it

Also the dyad thing was weird. I know the early leaks had it more explained, then the leaks said they cut it, but now it looks like they left in 3 lines of dialogue with it and cut the rest. Again, explanations people! This is not a thing in previous canon! Maybe in the EU, but that’s not canon anymore! The fuck!!!! The idea is dumb and forced to begin with, but the execution made it worse

And now for the final, largest criticism I have. A confession: I am not a star wars fan by nature. I’ve always liked them, but I preferred other sci-fi more. I’m more of an invasive species who forcibly carved my way into this fandom ecological niche because I really loved Kylo lmao. But if there is one thing star wars is defined by, I don’t think it’s love or family or any of those common themes people say. It’s hope. That’s the thing star wars does well. Even when things are darkest, it keeps the hope alive and it makes you feel that. Good will triumph. There is reason to believe in heroes, even when they stumble

This movie is not hopeful. Rogue One, a masterful tragedy, still manages a message of hope despite every single lead character dying. This one doesn’t. And tbh, I think tlj missed on this a bit too (a lot of talk about having hope, not a lot of showing us reasons to be hopeful), but it was still there. Tros does not feel hopeful. The Skywalkers are all dead. Rey has decided to download the legacy (why? No idea! The whole message was ‘don’t be afraid of who you are’ and she just then decided to become someone else? Makes no sense!!!). Anakin’s sacrifice meant nothing because Palpatine came back (and it is CRIMINAL we never got an Anakin and Kylo scene). Han and Leia’s and even Luke’s (a bit) deaths meant nothing because yeah, Kylo turned back in the end, but then he died anyway. They all gave their lives to save him and it was all for nothing. He’s still dead. Palpatine is gone and so is his fleet, but what about the FO fleet? Are they still out there? Are there brainwashed stormtroopers still trapped in its clutches (also, they were so close with Jannah and Finn to adding depth here, but nope, the stormtroopers are still cannon fodder in every fight scene even though they’re literally slaves!!!!)? Who knows!

This movie only feels conclusive in that so many characters we love are dead. That’s it. There’s more questions than answers and so much left unresolved. There’s no sense of hope in it. There’s barely a sense of victory. It’s not satisfying. Even the celebration at the end feels weird and like it’s trying to force you to be happy. The jedistormpilot hug was good, but the lesbian kiss was such a cheap attempt at trying to appease people calling for representation. The moment with Lando and Jannah at the end was probably the most hopeful part of the movie and neither of them are lead characters

Idk. I know this is pretty negative. But I didn’t really enjoy this movie. Some parts were fun, or funny, or exciting, or emotional. But overall? No. This was not a satisfying conclusion for any of these characters, either the new or the old. They missed. Hard. Not one character was truly done justice. And it’s disappointing. But it’s over now and I have no intentions of letting it dictate my fandom activities. I’m just going to pretend it didn’t happen and call it a day

[latefrequencies]

I just started listening to From Home and I am soooo excited, I've been really getting into noise lately and this is the sort of thing I want to make! How'd you make these noises? And also, do the numbered titles of the tracks hold any significance? Thanks for another awesome release Jude! :D

oh thank you!!!! people’s reception of that album has been much more positive than i would have expected (not that i expected people to hate that album outright but i rly only know two people who i knew for sure are into noise, and one of them is going to be in a noise band with me and the other is already a noise artist), so i’m very happy that people like the album as much as they do! also i’m going to put the answers to your questions under a cut if that’s okay, i’m going to basically answer Every Question Anyone Could Ever Have About This Album, including the ones you’ve asked directly:

so the equipment i used (outside of the non-musical items i used to produce the sounds) was the following: an iPad, GarageBand (which was run on the iPad), a bass guitar, this cord thing called an iRig that allows me to plug the bass into the iPad so i can use the amp simulator stuff, earbuds that had a microphone on them, and headphones that did not have a microphone on them. the headphones that didn’t have the microphone on them were important because, when you use earbuds or headphones that have a microphone on them and the microphone is too close to the earbuds themselves (which is the case with most if not all earbuds you get in stores), you record what you’re listening to along with what you’re recording on the track you’re recording. this might not be a problem if you’re just trying to get as much sound as possible, but that wasn’t what i was going for on this album.

i personally see all of the sounds on the album as being in one of five categories: musical synthesized sound, non-musical synthesized sound, bass feedback, intentionally-produced non-synthesized sound, and background sound. which is hella pretentious but let me break it down further:

musical synthesized sound: i used the synth settings in GarageBand to produce things that sounded musical (anytime there’s chords or a melody perceptible on any of the tracks)

non-musical synthesized sound: i used the synth settings to produce things that didn’t sound musical (mostly i used settings that are categorized under “sound effects”. a good example of a track featuring these would be track 4, “68454″, where there’s sort of a mechanical buzzing noise and a slamming noise that sound like they’re reacting to each other. those were both produced with GarageBand and weren’t actual sounds I recorded from my environment)

bass feedback: i plugged my bass, made some custom amp settings that were meant to make the feedback sound like ungodly loud and awful and just let it record. sometimes i did actually do things with the bass, such as touching the neck or body to produce generally non-musical sounds or touching the strings in a way that produced musical sounds in that each string is tuned to a note but where i wasn’t really playing a note on purpose (very audible on track 1, “593045″). anytime there’s the sound of something churning (for lack of a better description), that’s bass feedback (and I’ll get into how that works in a bit)

intentionally-produced non-synthesized sound: i took objects around me and made them make noises (”68454″ has this sort of crackling sound in the background that was produced by doing and undoing the velcro on a plush toy I had with me, there was a point at which i just recorded myself photocopying and putting together a zine and the low whining sound on “182495″ came from the photocopier and the scraping sort of sound on the same track came from me handling the paper afterwards because i recorded both processes on the same track)

background sound: i just plugged in the non-microphone headphones and let things happen. this picked up sounds intentionally 

a lot of the time, with the intentionally-produced sounds, i would try making them while listening to how they’d be recorded through the amp simulator and i messed with the settings to make it so that they’d be less recognizable or sound stranger or more discordant. a lot of the idea behind what i did was to take sounds that would have been normal and make them very abnormal. you don’t hear sounds like what you hear on that album in your everyday life. the world would be bloody chaos if everything sounded like that all the time. everyone would have to wear industrial-strength earplugs. it’d be awful. part of the concept was to take the familiar and make it as unfamiliar as possible. i presume you’ve looked at the album’s description, and if you have, then you’ll know the context in which it was made was one of really just a lot of unfamiliarity while also having with me individual things which were familiar, so that’s where the idea to make noise in that specific way came from.

now here’s where i get into the exact methods and if you don’t have access to GarageBand, this might be a bit useless for you, but if you’re using a program where you can use an amp simulator and it has the ability to let you simulate effects pedals, you’ll probably find a way to do the same as what i’m describing here.

the first thing i do with the amp settings is i turn the gain up real high (usually at maximum) and i put a fuzz pedal on it and turn everything on that up to the highest setting. sometimes i let there be a bit of variation (like sometimes the tone is a little bit down, sometimes the fuzz setting isn’t completely up, etc.) but those are the primary things i do. i choose the fuzz setting because that produces the most amount of additional noise while also distorting the sound (which is why i choose it over, say, overdrive)

i get the churning sound by turning both the knobs on the tremolo part of the amp way up. if what you’re working with allows you do to so, experiment with having the speed and depth be at different places, because i find that sometimes having them always be equal to each other or having them always be on maximum doesn’t get what i want for a particular track or moment. i’m not sure if screwing with the tremolo like that is the exact thing Sunn O))) are doing on all their albums but i bet it is and regardless it makes it sound just like Sunn O))) when i play a note and the amp is like that and I like sounding like things that i like.

other effects pedals i like include the phaser one, the vibe one (there’s a lot of fun to be had there since there’s different kinds of vibrations you can play with), the echo one (that can get you some REAL fucked up sounds if you play it right), and the chorus one.

where the synth is concerned, i use settings from the Alchemy Synth options (again, not very helpful if you’re not using GarageBand but what you’re using may have something equivalent to what i’m about to describe). the reason for this is that there’s all those knobs and that x- and y-axis thing you can control to get a really precise sound, and you can mess with those while you’re playing the note, meaning that the note will record the exact way you’re hearing it change. (i make that distinction because messing with something in real time with something from the amp settings doesn’t do that.) this was useful for getting strange sounds from the more musical sounding settings.

i think the reason the synth parts of the tracks are more emphasized than the non-synthesized sounds was because the synth was the stuff i had more control over. there was a lot of incidental sound (random things like me typing or drinking water got recorded, and i mentioned my housemates on the album credits because i did end up getting them recorded, not on purpose but because they were obviously in the same space as me and they were producing sounds so onto the tracks they went). i’ll probably do things differently as i work more with noise because there’s a world of potential where the non-synthesized sounds are concerned that i haven’t scratched upon at all yet. really the non-synth sounds on From Home were more like background things for the synth parts. or maybe i’m downplaying those parts too much. either way in the future i’ll be looking out for more naturally-occurring noises, i’m just describing the role they played in that particular album

really i just made the noises either by doing stuff with the synthesizer, recording whatever normal things i had or that were happening and processing them to hell and back, or plugging in my bass and letting fate take care of the rest.

also there is no significance to the number titles at all. i had just been titling files by the number track they were supposed to be on the album and then i went “this doesn’t look right” but i also had no interesting or intelligent things to call them, so i tried making keymashes for titles but they just looked wrong for some reason, so sticking solely to numbers for the keymashes somehow did the trick. chaos within intentional boundaries. i guess that’s a good descriptor for how i did the album really. 

anyway thank you for asking these things and i wish you the best in the world of noise and your exploration in the genre, frankly i’m excited to explore it too and if my work inspires somebody else to try out something like this, that’s honestly one of the most exciting things i can think of.

[nebulastep]

Sing Me a Song Chapter 4: Allegro Attack

Description: There has been progress made, but some characters have grown impatient with how slow gong it has been. Be careful what you wish for.

Notes: I had a lot of fun writing this one. After getting that one shot written down, this one came soon after. I hope you guys like it! As always, feedback is welcome, and let me know if you would like to be tagged!

Trigger warning: Pokemon related violence, some arguing.

Thomas had made some progress. Now, what to do with that progress he had no idea.

He now had Prince following at something of a distance wherever he went throughout the forest. (He still seemed to have issues with Foster though, who he would glare at for the most part. He still needed to figure out how to remedy that.) At night the young Pokemon would join Thomas and his companions for food and singing, but would stay a good distance away regardless.

I guess this is his territory. It would make sense that he would still be antsy. I still don't know why he is following me though.

Thomas looked back at Prince, who was currently watching from a nearby tree. He had been jumping from branch to branch, making a token attempt to blend into the leaves, but sticking out like a sore thumb, considering the white fur, and the big stick he was still carrying. Thomas smiled and waved. Princes eyes widened, and he turned his head away and closed his eyes, seemingly pouting, making Thomas chuckle.

He's so... extra. I haven't been around a Pokemon like this since...

Thomas looked down, frowned, turned around and started  walking forward again.

“I shouldn't be thinking about things like that! I should be focusing on the positives!” Thomas muttered to himself. “I have a good job now under a good friend, and I am in a beautiful environment doing that job with Pokemon that are fun to be around...”

It won't last. They will leave, too. They have to.

That particular thought made Thomas stop in his tracks. He shook his head harder, like he was trying to shake the thought out.

Whimper

Thomas looked to his left side at Foster, who was now seated looking at him with a worried expression. A paw on his right leg brought Thomas's attention to Pizza, whose head was cocked to the side.

Thomas offered a small smile and knelled on one knee and pet the two Pokemon in front of them. “I'm okay you guys! I'm just a little stressed is all!” Foster was smiling with her tongue out and leaning into the hand behind her ear, closing her eyes. Pizza leaned into the hand petting  her too, but continued to look up, causing Thomas to speak up again, “ Really! I'm fine! I just need the rest of this mission to go we-”

That's when, of course, screeching and yelling erupted from the tree behind him.

__

It became clear to Prince that Thomas had no idea where he was going.

Okay, maybe that was harsh, but that's what it felt like. He had been observing Thomas and his companions for the past several days, and they seemed no closer to finding his mother or the rest of his family. Thomas spend most of his time wandering the forest, looking at pieces of paper, and writing.

What he had learned was... well... more about the Pokemon and their human.

Pizza was a strange one. She was almost constantly tired, or at least acted like it. However, the Rattata always kept an eye on him. He thought at first that it was out of wanting to protect the human, but the rodent almost seemed relived whenever Prince came back into sight.

Prince also learned that the menace called Foster was... a little too friendly.  She had taken to calling him “singing puffball” since the first night he spent with Thomas, which... he still didn't know how to process. She kept barking at him when he is in his various watching spots, insisting that he “Come down and play!” or to “Look at this cool rock!” He had, more then once, shooed her away with his weapon whenever she attempted this. He was unsure whether she was doing this because Pizza told her to, but regardless, he was still suspicious. There was no way that being wanted to make amends that easily.

And Thomas … Thomas knew a lot more songs then the one he sang that first night, and that Thomas was a really good singer who seemed to belt tunes at any opportunity that was given.  He was also very giving and kind it seemed, since he kept giving out food.

He also seemed concerned with Prince's location, since he would occasionally turn in his direction, smile, and wave. It was the third time this happened that Prince couldn't help but feel a but put out. No matter what Prince did he couldn't blend in it seemed.

You never were good at that. Its why you're family always had to protect you. Especially your mother.

He didn't spend too much time brooding (not that he would admit to brooding)  because he heard Foster whimpering. Prince looked up to see Foster and Pizza next to Thomas looking at him.

Did they see something scary? Prince strained to listen as Thomas knelt down and started petting the Pokemon near him.

“I'm okay you guys! I'm just a little stressed is all!”

Prince cocked his head. Thomas seemed okay, judging by this angle at least. No one had attacked him. Why was he upset?

However, as Prince continued to watch, he felt... something like familiarity bubble up. A strong presence comforting you... sounded... nice...

This is not yours to have...

Prince shook his head and frowned deeply. He had to get home. And nothing would stop him.

Not even the Fearow that was swooping in at that exact moment

Prince's reflexes kicked in as he thrust his weapon in the the bird Pokemon's direction, which the bird narrowly missed. It flew away, screeching before lowering from the sky, flapping its huge wings.

Prince narrowly avoided losing balance, giving a loud yelp before regaining balance, jumping to an outstretched branch near the Fearow, and settling his feet into a battle stance

okay, I have limited ways of attacking here, and I am outmatched, but I might be able to take on this beast if I just-

“FOSTER! USE FLAMETHROWER!”

A geyser of flame shot from the right and below, causing the Fearow to fall from the sky. Before Prince could formulate a thought in response to what just happened, he heard Thomas shout again

“PIZZA! USE QUICK ATTACK!”

Prince looked over the side of the tree branch just in time for him to see a purple blur make contact with the Fearow that just hit the ground, knocking the bird Pokemon several feet away. The Fearow seemed, for now, temporarily stunned on the ground.

“Pizza! Stand by! I am going to inspect the Fearow and I need backup!” Thomas yelled, as he ran up to the downed Fearow.

Prince could only stare in shock, before he hopped down, bouncing slightly as he fell, to observe the scene.

...only to be tackled by an excitable fire dog, now perched over him with her paws and start talking nonstop, tail wagging.

“HeyareyouokayyouwerereallycooldidyouseehowIdiditwascoolhuhsowasPizzarightwowwe'vebeenneed-ingagoodfight-”

Prince proceeded to struggle and attempt to push Foster off, finally shouting “STOP PINNING ME, HELLHOUND!”

Foster paused her rambling to step off the Igglybuff under her.  Prince got up and dusted himself off, scowling. Foster tilted her head, frowning.

“Why are you so mean? I just saved you!”

“Well, I didn't ask for that! I could have taken care of myself, just like when you stole my weapon!”

Foster's fur puffed up on the back, as she started speaking with a growl. “Well excuse me for wanting to help out a part of the pack! I guess I was wrong for thinking that we could get along!”

“Oh like you have any good inten- wait, what was that about being a part of the pack?”

Foster tilted her head in the other direction.  She still seemed aggravated, but less ready to fight. More confused. “You joined the pack several days ago. I've been trying to make it easier on both of us but you never seemed to want to actually spend much time with me-”

Prince waved one paw in the air “Waitwaitwait. Hold on. What pack? When did I join a pack?”

Foster squinted at Prince. “You've been eating food with us, following us, singing with Thomas every night... how are you not part of the pack?”

Prince shook his head/body. As he spoke he started pacing, and occasionally looking at Foster when he wanted to emphasize. “In case you haven't noticed, Thomas knows something about my family, which I already belong to by the way. I have been following to see if you guys have any useful information regarding them, which you clearly haven't. I have been eating your food because... well... its good... so there.” He ended his oration by putting his paws on his “hips”.

“And the singing?”

“The singing? Well... I like that to!” He said with a huff, crossing his arms.

Foster rolled her eyes “Look, whatever you are here for, Thomas likes you a lot. I can sort of tell.”

“Oh please. If you are referring to the food he gave me, letting me sleep by the fire, he has shown himself to be something of a giving person.” Prince said, gesturing behind him

“That wasn't what I was talking-LOOK OUT!!!”

Before Prince could register that warning, he was, for the third time, surprised that day. This time by a Fearow picking him up by the talons and flying off.

Prince took three seconds to register what just happened before he started struggling hard. Somewhere in the middle of this struggle, he went to hit the Fearow with his improvised weapon. As he raised his arm, he realized that in the surprise of the attack caused him to drop his means of protection.

OH NO WHAT DO I DO I AM WITHOUT A WEAPON MY ARMS CANNOT REACH THE BEAST HOLDING ME WHAT DO I DO- wait, I know.

Prince grinned, closed his eyes, and started singing.

As he sang, he felt the Fearow struggling to stay aloft, before he, finally, felt the talons loosen.

HAHA! I AM A GENIUS!... wait, I'm going to fall now...

And he did.

[happiestholland-blog]

Coffee Shop: Chapter 1

Fuckboy Tom AU!! TomHollandxReader

Summary: You and Tom meet :-)

Word Count: 2643

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of sex

A/N: I couldn’t wait, so here’s Chapter 1 

(Y/H/C): your hair color

(Y/E/C): your eye color

Between your work as a personal assistant, working on movie sets, you spent your free time sketching and writing about the people you encountered in your local coffee shop, just a ten minute walk from your small apartment. Whenever you weren't on some movie set, you were usually here, hiding away in the corner, observing others, creating your own narratives of other people’s lives based on their appearances, how rushed they seemed, and what they wore. You found that this little hobby, with your personal assistant job, allowed for good practice and exposure for your dream to work in the movie industry, writing scripts and screenplays for huge movies, maybe direct your own short film. You were just getting prepared for a movie you’d be soon leaving in about three weeks for; your biggest job yet. You were hired for a new Marvel movie, though you had no idea for who exactly you’d be a personal assistant to. You heard that it was common within Marvel Studios; you didn’t always know exactly who you working with. Secrecy was huge. You even had to sign confidentiality contracts in order to be officially hired. You had issues with the people you dated in the past. To them, you were a damaged good, all because of an incident that happened to you that still struggle to talk about. For a no name dreaming to work big time, you felt pretty content; with your simple life in the city, in your cosy apartment, hobbies, traveling for work every so often. 

Today was no different. You sat in your usual spot by the window in the crowded coffee shop, people watching, sketching, as busy people bustled in and out of the store. As per usual, at this hour, the coffee shop was packed, every table filled with usual patrons. As you worked on a sketch of bearded man with a briefcase, you barely noticed the very attractive man who stood in front of you, until he spoke.

“Hello, this seat taken?” he asked in a British accent.

You look up, taken aback by the sudden distraction, and oh boy, was he a distraction. He had tousled brown curly hair and a warm look to him that was so welcoming. You sit there gaping at him, both surprised by the sudden interruption and his good looks, unrealizing of his question.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be a bother,” he said, wrongfully reading your expression. “The place is packed. I was just wondering if I could take a seat here,” he repeats, gesturing towards the chair sitting across the table from you, with your backpack and coat resting on it.

You shake your head out of your daze, waving your permission with your hand. He hands you your backpack, which you promptly place on the floor by your feet.

“Thank you,” he chuckled. “My name is Tom, and yours?”

“(Y/N),” you quip, a smile growing on your face.

He reaches his hand out for an amicable handshake. “It’s nice to meet you, (Y/N).”

Tom wasn’t about sitting and chatting about his life to an absolute stranger. In fact, his initial plan was to be in and out with the headache he had. But once he got there, the soft music with the chatter of people coming in and out of the busy coffee shop lulled his sharp headache to a dull ache. No one recognized him yet, and that in itself was a good sign that he wasn’t going to be mobbed by fans. Though the place was packed, it was only filled with soft chatter from the patrons sitting at tables and scattered sofas and loveseats placed around the warm environment. Every table was full, every seat taken except for one. The seat sat across from the pretty little number with her head bent over a tiny journal, her brows furrowed as she worked. She was a usual at this coffee shop, Tom had seen her in the few times he had dropped in. She was pretty in the best way, her long hair long and full, eyes large and focused. This in itself was inviting enough, and though it was only about ten in the morning, maybe he’d have a new partner to take up to his apartment that night, depending on how things went and how well he could charm her. “So whaddya working on there?” Tom asked, taking a sip of his coffee.

You smiled a private smile to yourself, before packing a few of your colored pencils away. “It’s kind of a private thing,” you replied with a smile, continuing to write a description of your latest sketch for a narrative for later.

Tom chuckled. “Don’t you know that’s only going to make me more intrigued? I’m sure whatever it is, it’s quite intriguing.”

You shrug, another smile growing across your face. “Hm, I don’t know, sharing my secrets with a stranger? I don’t think so.”

It was Tom’s turn to shrug with a smile. “Fair enough. Are you from around here? I’ve seen you a fair amount of times here.”

You nod, taking a sip from your coffee. “I live just a bit that way,” you say nonchalantly, gesturing in the general direction of your apartment building, though it was clearly visible from where you sat. “But I don’t believe I’ve seen you around here as much.”

Tom settles further in his seat. “Yeah, just decided to swing by. I live over that way too,” he pointed in the same general direction. “Had a headache earlier, decided to stop for a coffee, came in, had a bit of my fix, decided to hang for a bit.”

You smile. “Yeah, I get it. The atmosphere of this place, even when it’s busy, is pretty calming. It’s my favorite spot in the city.” You weren’t sure why you offered that last gratuitous bit, often you weren’t a fan of sharing your life story with a complete stranger, but here you were.

“I can see why. You’ve got a good view from here,” he replied.

Smiling, you glance out the window, studying the view like you were seeing it again for the first time. “Yeah, I really do,” you say softly.

Though Tom’s first and only mindset when talking to anyone of the opposite sex was to only bone them, with no strings attached and barely any information exchanged, he found that for the first time, real interest was sparked; something he hasn’t felt in a while. Alarms rang in his head, don’t let anyone in, don’t let them get close to him. The less they know, the less they felt attached to him. That was the rule of his game since his last relationship with the girl he can barely name to this day, since he came home after wrapping Homecoming. There was something about this little (Y/H/C) haired, (y/e/c) eyed girl bent over her notebook and her soft voice that was endearing to him.

You brushed the hair out of your eyes before loosely fastening your long hair into a bun in the back of your head with two of your pencils in lieu of a hair elastic, making Tom’s heart flutter a little. He barely knew anything about you, but somehow, his instinct is to do the exact opposite of his usual, which is kind of really alarming to him. He suddenly realizes that he’s more intrigued and his mind focuses on the sound of your soft gentle voice and melodic laugh, and he that he was in deep shit trouble.

He clears his throat. “Um, so what do you do for a living?”

You bite your lip slightly before taking another sip of your coffee. “I uh,” you hesitate, wondering how much of yourself you allow for this stranger to know. “Well, I just graduated from university, I’m currently working as a personal assistant for small time movies, you know, just getting exposure in the industry?”

Tom nods. “Yeah I get you.”

“And you?”, you ask.

It’s Tom’s turn to hesitate. A voice in his head urged him to just come out with exactly who he was, a big name actor, made famous by Marvel Cinematic Universe and his role as Spider-man, but an even louder voice told him that he should keep it under wraps, in fear of scaring you off or allowing you to know too much, as you obviously didn’t recognize him. “I actually work in the industry too, just an extra in a few movies.” There. That wasn’t a complete lie. And if she’s working small time, what are the odds of them running into each other? The odds were slim to nonexistent, especially since he was a huge movie star.

“Great, then we can learn a little bit from each other for our own careers,” you smiled, your hands fiddling with one of your colored pencils, flipping it through your fingers nimbly.

Tom nodded in agreement, sipping his coffee, a heavy yet comfortable silence settling over both of you.

As the morning shifted into noon, you found yourselves further intrigued by each other, quietly laughing in comfortable conversation, and making a deal to meet the following day at the same spot.

Following your first meeting in the coffee shop, Tom slunk back to his apartment, feeling thrilled at meeting you, but filled with heavy dread. Though you seemed smart and engaging and hot, Tom knew that meeting with you the next day allowed for more chances for someone, pretty much a stranger, to get closer to him than he ever would have wanted. It was terrifying. Unlocking the door to his apartment, he bustles in, hangs his coat over the back of his chair, and decides he’s going to get shit-faced drunk once again and probably-most likely, bring another woman home to remind him of his pact to himself to keep himself busy and distracted from you, from his fears. He pulled his phone out of his pocket. After thumbing his screen briefly, he called up his best mate, Harrison, and arranged for them to meet at his apartment, and then hit up a their bars.

You on the other hand, were exhilarated at your meeting, looking forward to the next day. You left a little bit after he did, around late afternoon, after making small talk with Ms. Phillips, the old owner of the coffee shop, kind of like a mother away from home, as you helped her stack coffee mugs and sweep up a little.

“So that young man,” Ms. Phillips asks suggestively. “He was handsome.”

You laugh politely. “Yeah he was. Just a little closed off is all.”

She nods with a small laugh. “Don’t be so surprised, after all, you just met. But be careful young lady, boys like that might have a side you never imagined.”

“I’ll be careful, Ms. Phillips,” you roll your eyes playfully. “I just think he makes nice conversation.” You stack one last mug and pick your backpack off a nearby table. “It was nice chatting with you, Ms. Phillips, but I should get going before it gets too late. I’ll see you tomorrow!”

She waves politely as you leave and you walk the block to your apartment building. You hit the elevator up button and step in as they glide humming to yourself.

“Hey!!! Hold that door!” a voice calls from the entrance to your building.

You instinctively jam your foot in the door of the elevator before it slid shut, and the blond boy jogs his way over to avoid keeping you waiting. Correction, the very cute blond boy.

“Thanks for grabbing the door,” he smiles, taking his place next to you. He has a similar accent to Tom’s, and his eyes are very blue.

“It was no problem,” you smile amicably. “Floor?” you ask, your hand hovering over the button panel.

“Fifth,” he replied curtly as you immediately hit the button. “Thank you,” he smiles.

“Are you new here?” You ask, obviously not recognizing him.

He shakes his head. “Nah, just visiting a friend.”

You both stood in silence, taking each other in on your way up before the elevator stops at your floor. “Well this is my stop,” you say, turning to wave, but this time, his foot catches the door.

“Maybe I’ll see you around?” the blond asked hopefully. “I didn’t catch your name, sorry about that.”

“It’s (y/n),” you smile. “And yours?”

“Harrison. Harrison Osterfield” he smiles, his foot still holding the elevator door open.

“Well, you know where to find me, Harrison,” you smile. “See you around.” and with that, you turn towards your apartment and settle for the night.

Tom opened his apartment door to a very happy looking Harrison. There was an unsettling satisfied smirk across his friend’s face that he knew Harrison rarely had across his face in Tom’s presence, especially in the wake of Tom’s recent behaviors and mishaps.

“So what’s got you so happy, mate?” Tom asked his friend while Harrison got situated at Tom’s kitchen table.

Harrison shrugged, not wanting to spill the beans on the pretty girl he had met just moments before. “I just met someone on her way up. I think I’m going to try to get to know her.”

Tom let out a little chuckle. “She got a name?”

“Well yeah, but I think I’m just gonna mums it until I know it can get somewhere,” Harrison replies breezily.

Tom nodded. He got that. He didn’t exactly want to tell Harrison about the girl he had met that morning in the coffee shop that got his whole head in a tizzy. “Listen mate, I just need to have some guy time, you know. Just hit a few bars, maybe.”

“Okay, mate, I’m down,” Harrison replied, his voice tinged with slight annoyance. He knew how this night was about to end. It usually involved Tom almost piss drunk, hitting it off with a girl, and Harrison returning home by himself, and Tom with a new lady friend. Although Tom’s main objective of the night was to get drunk and then laid promptly afterwards, you lingered on his mind. As soon as they got to their first bar of the night, this became evident to Harrison as Tom ignored the first girl who made a move on him.

“Hey mate what’s going on?” Harrison asked his friend as Tom sipped on his first beer of the night, which in itself was unlike him. He was usually almost on his ass drunk

Tom shrugged.

“You met someone didn’t ya, mate? Who is she?” Harrison pressed.

Tom shrugged again, once more failing to notice the suggestive stares directed towards him from the pretty brunette sitting a little ways away. “I don’t really know. Just some girl in the coffee shop that I met this morning.”

Harrison looked at his friend in shock. “This must have been some girl,” he replied, smiling. You must have been something if you got this kind of reaction out of Tom Holland of all people. “Has she got a name?”

“Don’t be dim. Of course she does.”

“So what is it?” Harrison asked, nudging his friend’s side.

“I don’t really want to talk about it. Got me feeling fucked up,” Tom said, keeping his eyes on his bottle.

“Some girl, then huh?” Harrison smiles, waggling his brows at Tom.

Tom shook his head, lifting his eyes from his drink, finally seeing the brunette girl sitting across the bar. “Maybe,” was his reply. In truth, he was terrified of you. Not for your soft eyes and gentle smile, but for how easily his guard came down when talking to you. That hasn’t happened with anyone for almost two years, and it was terrifying and exhilarating since he wrapped the filming for Spider-man. Getting with this girl sending him the flirty stares will remind him of why he does what he does. He needs this. He takes a large swig of his beer, guzzling it until it was empty, before ordering another, and making his way to the leggy brunette with the suggestive eyes.

[harmonic-psyche]

The Finalysis: Ask The Dreadnought Crew

Hellooo again, everyone!

I apologize that it took so long to finish this, compared to my previous Finalysis post of @askgoopi characters. But now that I did, let’s dive right in! Here are the Myers-Briggs personality types of 14 original characters from @askthedreadnoughtcrew:

If the terminology is confusing, see my MBTI Basics tag. Maybe I should have included that in past personality analysis posts. Also, I have not managed to make the pictures show up in high-res on my blog... Anyway, as in the previous Finalysis posts, I explain my reasoning for giving each character the type that I did below the break:

Atlas: Probably INTP.

Since Atlas "is pretty lazy and likes doing nothing," he is probably not a Te- or Fe-dominant, and probably lacks high Si. Te and Fe are known for leadership and motivating action, while Si is generally known for consistency and hard work. His high patience level makes Se unlikely — especially since he does not react to his surroundings, even when they are on fire. Se characteristically is very quick in reacting to the outside environment, whereas iNtuitors are often too stuck in their heads. On that note, his "most appropriate TV Tropes" include "Beware the Silly Ones" and "Brilliant But Lazy," which are both linked to Ne's eccentric cleverness.

Atlas’s dominant function is less clear than his tertiary. On the one hand, he is "The Anti-Nihilist," which shows exactly the kind of positive, hopeful individualist existentialism that often flows from Fi. On the other, his totally apathetic and non-reactive demeanor suggests Ti, whereas INFPs are often far more emotional and reactive. 

Breeze: Probably ENTP.

Ever since childhood, this neon yellow "nerd" programmer "[a]lways tried to bend the rules and find loopholes," showing Ne's nonconformism and Ti's love of logically deconstructing socially accepted rules. Both of those traits have continued and only increased through her love of hacking. NTPs are probably disproportionately common to programmers like her and hackers in particular. As a "Playful Hacker," Breeze shows mischievous Ne instead of serious Ni. Her "weaknesses" include that she "[e]xpects everything to go perfectly and doesn't have a backup plan in case something fails," showing her tendency to think in theoretical (N) instead of practical (S) terms. It also shows that she prefers logic (Ti) to logistics (Te). The "pride," love of "learning new things," and "[s]omewhat high" patience level that Breeze displays further support a Ne-dominant typing: _NTPs in particular show high pride, N-types are generally more fond of learning, and Se-types tend to have lower patience.

I first considered that Breeze could be an INTP because her Charahub calls her "sometimes gloomy," "[s]uspicious of anyone who she's never met," and "sometimes The Cracker," i.e., a "computer criminal." However, she smiles in most of the posts she appears in (as of 2018-08-09; contrast Ti-dominants like Ayjo and Malik), so she is an extraverted edgelord. Also, @askthedreadnoughtcrew said that "I don't think that The Cracker really describes her well - she's more of a Playful Hacker (she only hacks for fun, and almost never with malicious intents)" (PMs 2018-07-27). Even when I thought her an INTP, I noticed that Breeze is surprisingly social and optimistic: the glass is "half full," she is "close friends" with "everyone except for Weldon and Davan," and she "want[s] to get married[,] ... have kids, [and] raise a family." While the half-full/half-empty distinction probably shows a weak connection to personality type at most, an INTP typing cannot easily explain it or Breeze's wide friendship circle.

I next considered that Breeze could be an ENFP, since she seemed to show Fi when explaining that her crew is not under Giegue's authority: "I’ve heard that Giegue is a huge jerk. And we don’t take orders from jerks, hell no." However, this could stem from Ne's nonconformity and the influence of tertiary Fe. But the most powerful evidence against ENFP is her distrust of strangers (PMs 07-27):

"Breeze can be suspicious of strangers or others that she doesn't know well or at all, but once she feels close enough to someone and knows that they aren't a threat, she becomes a lot more relaxed and trusting of that person. She just takes a while to warm up to others."

E_F_ types are generally cheerful, friendly, and trusting even to strangers (see Iso and Manjula), and ENFPs are particularly infamous for over-trusting. I could not even try to explain Breeze's suspicion of strangers using an ENFP typing, since I have said that other characters (e.g. Spooks and Static) are ENFP largely because they are not suspicious of strangers (based on Bayesian logic). I apologize for the length of this explanation, but of all the @askthedreadnoughtcrew characters, Breeze confused me the most. Still, an ENTP typing can reconcile the ostensibly contradictory traits which confused me before. 

CJ: Seems like an ISTP.

When an anon asked what he was planning to pick up at the post office, CJ said "that's none of your business." That reply shows the independence, suspicion of others, and blunt rudeness common to ISTPs. The same blunt rudeness characterized his reply when Ryn asked for help finding Clay and Jaxter. After CJ said that he did not know and criticized Ryn's search strategy, CJ abruptly left without offering to help, which was "pretty rude." Both of these show the inferior Fe apathy for social norms. So does CJ's lack of concern that his loud music bothers his neighbor Lyra. All of these seem to indicate inferior Fe.

CJ's lack of eccentric, mischievous, or overtly intellectual tendencies shows no evidence for Ne, whereas his bluntness seems to indicate auxiliary Se. However, I have not seen a general description of CJ. I am inferring his personality only from his demeanor in a few scenes, so I have low confidence in calling him an ISTP.

Clay: Probably ISTJ.

Since Clay is "constantly, but not always, emotionless," he is almost certainly not a Feeling type. Usually he comes across as calm, quiet, and indifferent, indicating I_T_. His cynical pessimism (the "glass" is "100% empty") indicates the same. As a "Bookworm" whose favorite activity is reading and whose "favorite book" is "[a]ll of them," Clay is a nerd prefers to spend his time on calm (I__J) instead of more exciting (E__P) activities — although he does consider life "boring." Yet fear may be one of his most often-felt emotions (a common problem of inferior Ne), as he is "[u]sually too scared to stand up for anything" and would "have a panic attack" if he suddenly transitioned to our world.

That leaves ISTJ or INTJ, with his fear making the former more likely. As Ni-dominants, INTJs are generally driven by some kind of grand plan for the future. However, "Clay really doesn't know what he's going to do with his life, and he doesn't particularly care that much, either. He just prefers to travel around with his crew and not have to think about the future" (PMs with @askthedreadnoughtcrew 2018-07-29). Clay is then an ISTJ which, although an unsurprising type for a gieeg who is commanding a crew, is ironic since he initially set off into space to escape from the gieeg leadership.

Davan: Almost certainly ESTP.

Davan "dislikes boring stuff, [and] people who boss him around," which shows stereotypical Se impatience and rebelliousness. He is a "very irresponsible mook with a mysterious past that likes to party a lot." It is very unlikely for Te-dominants to be irresponsible as a trait, and even less likely for them to be indifferent about it. The hardest part of Clay's daily rituals is "keeping Davan under control" since the mook is an impulsive pyromaniac. Davan "likes Partying, Clay, [and] annoying Clay." When asked whether he likes parties, Davan was not available to answer — because he was at a party. Parties provide the intense sensory and social stimulation that Se craves, which is why Se-dominants are often stereotyped as party animals. Crude language and crude humor are common to Se-dominants, and Davan is so crude that others try to keep him away from Ryn. The "coolest people he knows" are "me, myself, and I," displaying the flippant narcissism common to stereotypical E_TPs.

However, Davan's Se-dominance is not always a burden to the crew. It once saved all of their lives. When the Dreadnought was about to crash into a huge asteroid, all of the Starmen froze — but Davan jumped in and steered the ship to safety. Heroism may seem unlikely from someone so narcissistic and "very irresponsible." But when an unexpected emergency happens and needs someone to act fast, impulsive and down-to-earth Se-dominants can be counted on to save the day. Maybe "heroism" is too strong a word, since Davan may have only acted to save his own skin. But the fact remains that without his action, the ship and its crew would not have survived.

Deimos: Probably ISTJ.

This poor fellow is "usually gloomy all the time and doesn't like talking to people," showing introversion. His attitude towards life and love is "*shrug,*" showing an indifference to idealism and to relationships which suggests low iNtuition and Feeling functions. Similarly, the "most appropriate TV Tropes" to describe Deimos are "Sour Outside, Sad Inside [and] The Eeyore" (although only "sometimes"). All of those show the cynicism common to I_T_ types. "He can somehow always find the exact supplies that the crew of the Dreadnought need," which either shows the apparent instinct that ISTPs have for being a mechanic (compare Ayjo and Beams) or the ISTJ's excellent memory for practical details.

Indifference seems more likely among ISTPs than ISTJs, but besides that, his traits primarily show ISTJ. Since he "dislikes Nova's short temper" as well as "Atlas' laziness and bad jokes," he seems to prefer to keep others in line. The "kind of student" he would be if he "were to attend school" is a constantly sad kid who "doesn't try and somehow still gets straight A's." ISTPs, unlike ISTJs are not known for academic success because of the impatient, non-systematic high Se. Most importantly, Deimos is "a hard worker" because he "is usually the one who keeps the other starmen in check and makes sure they’re doing what they’re supposed to be doing" (PMs with @askthedreadnoughtcrew 2018-07-27). Enforcing (J) rather than resisting (P) the rules, and a strong work ethic, are probably the most significant noticeable difference between ISTJ and ISTP.

Gemini: Seems like an ISFP.

"Everyone on the Dreadnought is just a little scared of" this badass noodle "tough fighter" who "wouldn't hesitate to beat someone up" even as a child. Even then, she wanted to become a fighter later in life. Since she cultivates a persona of fear, she is probably neither E_F_ nor __FJ. Those types usually try to befriend — or at least act friendly towards — everyone (contrast Ryn).

Outwardly, she has a cold demeanor, smiling in only 1 out of the 9 posts she appeared in (as of 2018-08-04; contrast Ryn's 12 out of 21). A colder outward demeanor is more common among introverts and those without high Fe. From that and her toughness, "other people assume" that "she's rude."Yet she has a few things in common with Ryn: the thing that "brings [her] the most joy" is "[k]nowing that she's being helpful," she "usually" acts "kind to others," and she considers "[e]veryone except Davan" important to her. Kindness and the desire to help others, without Fe's warmth, show strong Fi. Her toughness shows strong Se — especially her kind of toughness. She likes fighting, but not from a desire to harm others. In fact, her favorite sparring partner is Jaxter, who is her partner if ya know what I mean the most important person in her life. Those strongly support ISFP.

It is a bit harder to explain why she is "a bit self-centered" and enjoys "boasting" with an ISFP typing, since narcissism is linked most closely to _NTP types. Maybe Fi sometimes makes her focus too much on herself, and boasting comes from Se's competitive instinct? Although her pride and occasional self-centeredness lowers my confidence in ISFP, that still seems like the most likely type.

Jaxter: Probably INFP, maybe INTP.

Perhaps the most eccentric and quirky member of the crew, Jaxter "Likes [q]uiet places, video games, [and] fixing things." Those completely solitary places/activities strongly suggest that Jaxter is an introvert. An eccentric and quirky yet muted personality usually shows auxiliary Ne (compare Loris, Niiue, and Origen). Also, Jaxter "panics a lot and is very clumsy and awkward." Clumsiness suggests a low Sensing function (contrast Gemini's physical competence), and social awkwardness suggests low/no Fe, although those are both weak associations. "Sloth" is the "deadly sin that best represents" him, which shows that he does not have high Si because that usually produces a strong work ethic (contrast Deimos and Saral). These all suggest IN_P.

While it is not stated explicitly, Jaxter is emotionally sensitive. His tendencies to panic show a high reactivity to stressful stimuli, ones that may not affect less sensitive others. Contrast his screaming, horrified reaction to the engine almost exploding with Atlas (INTP) not reacting at all to the engine actually exploding. Hair-trigger stress and fear reactions usually imply low Ne, a high Feeling function, or both. This fear combines with his shyness and social awkwardness to produce social sensitivity: he withdraws from social situations more often than others out of fear. For example, Jaxter "used to be pretty intimidated by Gemini," probably even more than is normal for the crew. I_T_ types disproportionately withdraw from social situations too, but usually because of apathy and annoyance (contrast Calliope, Malik, and Marie). Therefore, while I thought him an _NTP at first partially from his resemblance to Doc Brown, he is more likely an INFP.

Jett: Seems like an ISTP.

This bug flying a badass, maximally edgy, spike-covered Lil UFO shows apathy to the concerns of others — especially his neighbor Lyra, who he said "is SO annoying" because she complained about him blasting loud music for the "eleventh" time. His dismissive apathy shows low Fe: even if a high-Fe-user did not care, they would probably at least act as if they cared. Also, when Jett's roommate CJ said that he was going to the post office, Jett's comment showed the blunt tone and independence-focused mindset common to ISTPs: "Well, go for it. It’s not like I’m gonna try to stop you or something." While I cannot type Jett with confidence since he has no Charahub entry and so few posts (as of 2018-08-09), current evidence suggests ISTP.

Lyra: Seems like an _STP.

Lyra is extremely straightforward about her motives for working as Morgandy's assistant: "I do it for the money." The concise and blunt (Se), honest description of focusing on rational self-interest (Ti) supports _STP, as she later shows by often complaining about insufficient pay. Lyra has no patience for Morgandy's language humor, whereas N-types are more likely to enjoy that kind of humor and high Fe-types would hesitate to be so rude. She is also very annoyed, and evidently pissed off, by her neighbors' loud music. If not for Morgandy insisting on asking "POLITELY," Lyra might tell her neighbors "to shove their speakers up their asses," showing the _STP's irritability, crudeness, and lack of concern for politeness or social norms. Even with Morgandy's insistence, Lyra angrily yelled at the neighbors who proceeded not to care.

I have not seen clear evidence of introversion or extraversion, unfortunately, so I cannot assign Lyra a specific type. All of Lyra's posts suggest _STP, but since I have not seen very many of them (or a Charahub entry), I cannot claim high confidence in that conclusion.

Morgandy: Probably ENFP.

As the only "[h]yperactive, cheerful, and childish" gieeg from her blog, Morgandy is a bit unusual. Ever since she was a child, Morgandy was "[u]ltra-hyper and very eager to do everything." Her "annoyingly childish and hyper" tendencies suggest E__P (compare Vivek), and so does her chosen profession as an entertainer. Extraverts are usually more energetic, and Perceivers more spontaneous. Both traits are important in entertainment. The fact that Morgandy "dislikes nothing really" rules out E_TP, matching the stereotype that ENFPs love everything and everyone (compare Spooks). However, Morgandy is not afraid to trash-talk her assistant or brag about her own superiority, unlike many Fe-types who hate to ever be rude.

Morgandy "doesn't like to fight," which is more common for F-types (with notable exceptions including Gemini and other badass SFPs). Morgandy prefers non-confrontational solutions to problems, whereas T-types are more direct and confrontational. Like many iNtuitors, she enjoys making incredibly dumb jokes by playing with language (compare Static). While I have not seen much of her on the blog, what I have seen makes ENFP very likely.

Nova: Seems like an ESTJ.

This "Final Starman who ... always tries to be the best that he can, but usually ends up making a mess ... is determined and will not stop at achieving a goal." That kind of strong-willed focus and determination are most common to high Te and Si users. He has low patience, especially for Atlas's laziness and Deimos's moping. STJs have the least tolerance for laziness: Te values hard work on a practical level, Si does on a moral level, and Te is the least afraid of confrontation. His dislike of "glum Deimos" shows the difference between his extraversion and Deimos' introversion. Extraverts gain energy and motivation from the social environment, so E_T_ types are usually more affected by others' moods. His "bad habits" include "[y]elling" (especially at Atlas), a common one for EST_ types (compare Goopi). That makes ESFJ unlikely: ESFJs usually try to act friendly, and even when they are aggressive, they are almost always passive-aggressive instead of straightforward.

Even though he does not eat, he enjoys cooking. The sensory, detail-oriented, highly formulaic activity is probably enjoyed more by strong Si-users (compare Saral). Also, he has a strong respect for authority. More specifically, Clay is his "role model" and "most important person in [his] life." Strong Si-users are more likely than any other type to intuitively trust authority figures (compare Pia).

An ESTJ typing admittedly has a hard time explaining why Nova has a "fear of nobody liking him," since that is seems more closely linked to Feeling types. Maybe it has to do with his extraversion? Also, it seems odd that he would "never" "dare to kill someone," but perhaps that comes from his Si principles. While ESTJ still explains most of his personality as shown in his Charahub and his posts so far, I do not think that I have seen enough posts to type him with high confidence.

Rynault ("Ryn"): Almost certainly ENFJ.

This "cheerful and optimistic" gieeg "likes helping others" since it "brings him the most joy" out of any activity. Altruism is most common, or at least most explicit, among Fe-dominants. From childhood, he has been "[v]ery eager and optimistic." As mentioned above while discussing Gemini, he smiles a lot. All of that shows the cheery demeanor and upbeat attitude most common to E_F_ types (compare Iso, Spooks, and Static). He stands up for his beliefs, but would never dare to kill anyone, showing Fe's claim to the moral high ground but also its squeamishness. The "most important person in [his] life" is "[e]veryone on the Dreadnought," showing the indiscriminate caring for everyone common to high-Fe types (compare Gabe, Manjula, Penini, Saral, and of course Iso). In contrast, many others (especially T-types) only care about those close to them, but care strongly about those people (contrast Gemini, Giegue, and J).

A natural leader who thinks quickly to do what is best for everyone, Ryn has taken the initiative as the "leader of the group" far more than me than one would expect for an introvert — especially considering that he is only "a 12 [!] year old." One of the main differences between ENFJs and INFJs is that the former are more likely to take the initiative and publicly lead. Ryn shows this tendency in the extreme. He is "smart but not nerdy" which completely rules out the IN__ types, although others often assume that he is a nerd. He has a "very high" patience level, suggesting high Ni or maybe high Si, and conversely "is kind of a klutz when it comes to sharp objects." Physical clumsiness is more common in N-types. While the evidence for his auxiliary Ni may not seem as strong as the evidence for his dominant Fe, Ryn's exceptional charisma is far more common among ENFJs than ESFJs. There is a reason that some people call ENFJs "The Cult Leader" type. While I do not expect Ryn to start a cult anytime soon, he arguably has the right skill set for it.

Weldon: Almost certainly ESTP.

Straight outta the 90s comes this hip dude with, like, a totally rad backwards hat and shades, bro. (Yes, that is how he talks, man.) He is a "huge jerk" (according to Davan and to Weldon's own Charahub) and a "douche" who "likes bragging about himself" and claims to be "too cool to ask for asks, dude." All of those show the callous narcissism associated with immature E_TP types whose Fe is not developed. He also "dislikes when people are better than him" and is "too competitive," combining his narcissism with the impulsive, competitive tendencies of high Se. I considered him an introvert at first because of his "laid-back" and "relaxed" voice and demeanor, but he "doesn't like being alone," which may be the clearest possible evidence of extraversion other than wearing a sign that says “I AM AN EXTRAVERT.”

Concluding Thoughts

That took me longer than I expected. But on the bright side, I realized that I have now completed 89 character analyses — of which I still have many to post. My goal of analyzing 100 characters, which I previously thought unrealistic, suddenly appears within striking distance.

Speaking of "within striking distance," I will probably publish my next Finalysis post in much less time than this one. Part of the reason this one took so long is that I could not make up my mind on whose to post next. Since posting the last one, I have spent time typing characters from this blog, @asktheapplechasers, @only-our-regrets (i.e. ComDis), and @take-a-melody. One of those will probably be featured in my next Finalysis post. If you have a preference for one of them — or a different blog — please feel free to shoot me a message! (Especially because I sometimes have questions about characters' personalities!)

[headfilledwithsmoke]

Expectations vs. Reality

I am currently sat watching the sun set at the end of a beer garden looking over a beautiful landscape of a river, fields and trees. It’s actually rather indescribable how calming this environment is, with only the gentle babble of a brook, the faint giggles of children past their bedtime and the quiet hum of birds signalling it’s probably close to being time for their companion’s bedtimes.

For some reason, maybe the events of the past few days, weeks, months or years I thought about writing about the unexplainable phenomenon of expectations and reality.

Now, some of you may be wondering what I’m talking about, thinking ‘My reality is fantastic, it lives up to all of my expectations and exceeds them!’. To you, I say you’re in the fortunate few. Others may say ‘My reality is exactly is exactly what I expected!’. To you, I’d say you’re lucky. A fair amount of people will probably say ‘well, reality doesn’t quite match my expectations, but that’s fine because my reality is a-okay!’. I wish I was you.

Unfortunately I am in the final of these (self identified) categories whereby I am constantly faced with reality never reaching my lofty expectations. To those of you who share this sentiment - I feel you.

I don’t think I ever considered this as a concept until I watched (arguably my favourite movie) (500) Days of Summer. For those who haven’t seen it, I will summarise in only one of the narrated opening lines of the film ‘now I must warn you up front, this is NOT a love story’. Foolishly, being the emotional sod that I am, I watched it. I will admit Ioved it, embraced it, sang along (eventually - great soundtrack!) with it. My mum even bought me a t-shirt of it with 499 hearts on and the 500th broken. With said description of the t-shirt, as you may expect, this ‘NOT a love story’ didn’t leave me feeling my best, as worst of all, I empathised with it. 

Now, people who know me may already have identified me as an emotionally charged, heart on my sleeve, go all in on it all kind of guy. I am also an over-thinker. This leads me to feeling every emotion that goes through the character Tom Hansen’s mind as Summer Finn gives him (possibly unknowingly) false hope. It all starts when, months after breaking up, Tom and Summer end up going to the same wedding and meet on the train to the venue. They awkwardly start to talk before enjoying one of the most relaxed experiences of the on-screen relationship so far. As they part ways post wedding, Summer invites Tom to a party, and this is where things start to fall apart.

What follows is one of my favourite and heart-wrenching movie scenes of all time. 

The scene starts with Tom excitedly walking the stairs to Summer’s apartment, with the narrator describing Tom’s inner monologue. Tom is excited at the prospect of what the evening could hold, filled with expectations following his experience at the wedding. However as Tom reaches the top floor the screen splits, and the labels ‘expectation’ and ‘reality’ adorn the bottom of each half. As the left hand scene unfolds, we see how the evening would have gone in Tom’s mind, from the thoughtful gift received with love, to her introducing him to all of her friends as a potential architect to their admiration. Sadly, what we see in the right hand of the screen is what actually happens. The lovingly chosen gift received with a friendly tap on the shoulder, him being mocked for his lack of a real career and then even him drinking a cocktail alone, watching from afar as Summer shows friends her engagement ring. As this happens, the left side disappears, as all expectations are thrown out and what’s left is the reality of what has happened.

I love this scene. I think it perfectly encapsulates what happens in life when you are an over-thinker, a sensationalist, a dreamer. I have had this happen to me many times in my life whereby the exceptions of what could be pale and are even in cases the polar opposite to what is the reality. I must admit this occurrence has mostly happened in (unsuccessful) romantic situations. However, as life has gone on and I have ended up in relationships, I have experienced this phenomenon time and time again, and it isn’t to my benefit. I find myself forever expecting something and getting something different. I even wrote a song with the lyrics:

‘And I find each day I wonder what comes next, desperately wanting something, but always getting nothing’

I know this may seem a tad dramatic, but it is how I feel at times. 

And I have realised that ’Tom Hansen’ and I not alone. Dan Mace, one of the most profound YouTube creators I have seen in some time, recently posted a video online where he describes this exact phenomenon. However, I truly believe that Dan finished the concept. In his video he presents that it is not just a competition between the two, it is in fact an equation, where:

I love this concept as it is fundamentally true. My happiness (more often than not) is directly related to my expectation of how something will go against the reality. That is to say, the more I (or anyone) expects of something, the lower the happiness value will be. Vice-versa, the lower the expectations of anything in life, the reality of it is ‘diluted’ less and therefore the happiness experienced is greater. I am endeavouring to take this concept and push it in to my day to day life. Simply put, don’t worry about the things that are coming, don’t put any expectation on them, as this will only serve to lessen the reality and the happiness attained.

The video Dan made is beautiful, as are his others and I thoroughly recommend checking them out. (Link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-4IdvwVdN8&frags=pl%2Cwn)

Remember, live in the moment, learn from, but don’t dwell on the past, and let the future come as it will.

All will be okay.

[perahn]

Codex Entry #6

… the darkness roils, lightning forking within it and splitting it into pieces. They ring around me, amorphous save for the reaching tendrils. Lightning flashes through them again, slow-arcing light congealing into masks and ribbons. One shape holds out a rose to the Silent. My tongue is silver and heavy in my mouth; I cannot warn him. He takes it, and the darkness surges forward and swallows him. The darkness spirals closer. A shape holds out a pebble to the Erratic. My hands are golden and heavy at the ends of my wrists; I cannot stop her. She takes it, and the darkness wraps itself around her. She’s gone. One shape holds out a potion to the Thirsty. My eyes are stone and heavy in their sockets; I cannot see whether she takes it. I hear laughter in the thunder, the darkness curling icy around me. The book is taken from my hands –

I recognise the tome, the pebble and the potion, of course, and the silver masks. The conjunction of rose, darkness, and the Silent is familiar, but I can’t remember the details, which suggests a long-ago and infrequent dream. All in all, this dream was far clearer than most I’ve had recently, which is a pleasant change… but I hardly needed divination to tell me we’re deeply embroiled in drow affairs and that I feel powerless.

I hadn’t expected to make use of the spells I learned during my last visit to the Arcane Library so soon, or to quite so dramatic an end. I have always doubted that Jarnath would render any further payment for the death of his target, given that, in smaller matters, he has twice promised what he could not deliver. I do consider myself somewhat in his debt for guiding us to Philock, but such qualms could be easily ignored. In any case, Sending to him requesting assurance that he could pay gained only the answer ‘not now’. I attempted to scry him (classically the signature spell of the experienced diviner; casting it gave me a satisfying sensation of legitimacy), using the blood from the ship as a focus. Not Jarnath’s blood, as it proved; Dwynnej’s text described the effect of casting with a mismatch between target and focus very accurately. Fortunately both subjects were in close proximity. It appeared that our erstwhile guide was being hunted by the drow whose blood had been shed. I’ve rarely seen fear carved so plainly into a face.

I believe the entire race is insane. Even their half-breed children inherit the madness.

I am getting ahead of myself.

It was decided that we would return to Skullport as quickly as possible – which meant from the Arcane Library, via their teleportation services, to the Enclave circle. I expected to be delayed there, and indeed we were; the new mistress of the Enclave, one Eshmira Abbar, summoned us to her office. (Aside: possibly a conjuration specialist, given her affinity for teleportation and the efreet that initially greeted us.)

My mind has been fossilising ever since I left home; a few more months out here and there will be nothing left rattling between my ears but a small coprolite. When I explained the circumstances of Metoth Zurn’s death, Eshmira Abbar asked if I were completely certain of what I’d seen. I missed the screamingly obvious cue – she was much less interested in the involvement of the drow than in my discretion regarding the exact circumstances of her promotion. I was able to reassure her on that point, once I understood her concern. A reputation for inconvenient hallucinations is much easier to work with than what the Academy thought of me after Khaizri…

And she promoted me to nishkir (Both a Red Wizard rank and a job description. The exact duties of the nishkir are difficult to define, although both ‘monster-hunters’ and ‘elite field operatives’ have been suggested. It can be said with certainty that it is a position of some authority, and considerable danger. Nishkiri usually work outside Thay and with little support, with the curious corollary that they are perhaps the least likely of all Red Wizards to die at the hands of their fellows. If one encounters a Red Wizard in an abandoned ruin, or halfway up a mountain, or deep underwater, or in any such hostile environment, one can probably greet them as nishkir without great risk of error). I understand her move, of course. I am not yet so stupid. It is both a bribe and a leash. If I should behave, if I should survive, she has gained a useful asset. If she believes my knowledge of Zurn’s demise renders me a liability, it would be the simplest matter in the world to assign me elsewhere, or to a task I have no chance of completing – even simpler than disposing of me herself. Nobody would be surprised at the death of an ill-trained and unready nishkir.

And that is exactly what I am. I was released from my apprenticeship barely a week before I left Thay, and only because Mistress Kharzura was as intrigued as I by my dreams of Skullport. Under other conditions, I would have remained by her side for several years more, gathering knowledge and strength, until we were both ready. I am – I was – a somewhat slow-witted and quiet alakir (A novice, more or less: a Red Wizard who has completed her training but not yet achieved any particular rank). Nothing less like the intensive and comprehensive training of a proper nishkir could be imagined.

And I am a diviner, to boot! Field work really is better left to the evokers and the conjurers – I did not even contribute greatly to the death of my predecessor! I was drained by rendering us all nondetectable, and everyone else proved more useful in that battle. It was Harper’s arrow which split the nishkir’s skull (how many times have I dreamt that arrow? I can almost feel it now). Me, a nishkir? It’s one of the poorest jests I’ve ever heard.

But it’s been made, and the only thing to do is prepare to survive the punchline.

After leaving the Enclave, we ran into Aunrae, a half-drow friend of Harper’s – at least, that is what he said she was. I admit I have no idea of his network or contacts, but I’ve never seen her before, and much of the encounter that followed remains inexplicable – or, at any rate, unexplained. She was demanding entrance to the house of the illithid Grotana (who still apparently believes that Katy is a pirate sorceress queen and the rest of us are her slaves, despite the many details obviously wrong with this).

Using Katy’s invitation as a pretext, then, we got Aunrae into the illithid’s home, whereupon she started demanding the location of a third party. The illithid was almost grovelling in fear – not quite the fearsome devourer of brains most texts depict – when the drow who had warned us away from Jarnath appeared.

A most confusing scene ensued. Harper was there to assist Aunrae. The drow, Valas Daevin, is her father, which was why she intended to kill him. I’ve rarely heard such purpose or such hatred in a mind. The half-drow slave of the illithid’s – also sired by Valas – interposed himself. Harper argued Aunrae out of killing Valas, further demonstrating exactly how dangerous he becomes the moment he opens his mouth.

He was there ostensibly to help her achieve her goals, as he says he is for me. However, in the crucial instant, he prevented her from killing her quarry - no. That’s inaccurate. He prevented her from attempting it. I am not certain of the relative power levels involved – I’ve seen the Gladiator in action, but both Valas and Aunrae are complete unknowns – but it is quite possible that, even if Harper, Shay, Katy and I had assisted Aunrae, she would still have failed and we would be dead. It is also possible that Valas would have been slain. Perhaps Harper had relevant information. If so, he did not share it.

The way he persuaded her also requires thought. There appeared to be something about the situation that resonated with him – “you’re not the only one with an asshole father”, and the implication that family was a limited commodity. Linked, perhaps, with whatever the full version of his ‘family business’ might be. Well. I hope that one day, I find the right questions or magic to learn more of that matter.

Valas Daevin gave us a location where he believed we might find Jarnath. As it turned out, he was entirely correct. It also appears that when I had Scried Jarnath, we witnessed not a lethal hunt, but drow foreplay.

Lovely.

We briefly made the acquaintance of the paramour in question – one Rylfein by name – before another drow came crashing through the window to demand the location of some money. Both appeared to match the description of the drow who burned down the Pick and Lantern, which demonstrates exactly how well-spent all our effort on the subject was. The latter also had a small companion clinging to his back – quite one of the oddest creatures I’ve ever seen. We mostly left the matter there, and were ambushed on our way back to the house by hirelings of the Mandible.

Despite their spell-caster summoning a Fomorian (an unusual feat, and certainly not a conventional choice; giants are not easily bound, as I understand it, and neither as biddable or as predictable as undead or fiends), our assailants were quickly subdued. The spell-caster is down in the cellar at present. Harper’s bindings appear secure – even disturbingly so. He would not have made the same errors Khaseth did.  

-

An old dream returned again last night – the Erratic and the Silent. The thing which accompanies the Erratic was once again shaped like a toad of stone, with burning eyes. Her chest was a wet, scarlet ruin. The Silent seized the thing and tried to tear it free, but he didn’t see how it had wrapped its claws around her heart. She screamed for mercy, but the Silent was inexorable, and slowly he got the thing away from her. It laughed wildly as he threw it away, kissing her heart and lavishing endearments upon it, while the Silent knelt beside the dying Erratic, blood dripping from the hole in his chest to the hole in hers.

I would gladly sacrifice clear warnings for cryptic guidance. It is maddening, to be so lost, to dream nothing that I do not already know with a waking mind… to feel the storm coming and have no idea how to weather it.

Enough.

Harper and I interrogated the spell-caster separately. I am uncertain exactly what methods Harper might have used, but she apparently told Harper that her ambush had been the Mandible’s audition process. False, according to my detect thoughts; she had been hired by the Mandible to kill us. She was quite indignant about the whole process, which was not without its amusement value. She was also poorly educated; she had a description of me, and still failed recognise a Red Wizard of Thay.

…I am rambling, committing all kinds of useless minutiae to this journal, which was originally intended to record only what was important – another symptom of how sloppy and stupid I am becoming. It may very well be that I eventually fall into so many poor habits that I would not survive returning home… but that seems a distant concern at present. Survive the scorpion in your mouth before worrying about the serpent at your boot, as Master Xobek used to say in Combat Applications…

Szass Tam’s balls, I hope Mistress Kharzura has killed him by the time I return…

Rambling. Again. What is wrong with me?

In the marketplace, we encountered the individuals who crashed through Jarnath’s window. The drow male – one Adinaun by name – has a proposition to discuss with us. The female – Twinkle – is patently not human, judging by her slitted pupils and tail. She may be fiendish in heritage, given how she could apparently see ‘Bob’ when Katy had not summoned him into visibility.

 We met with Tansia Neverember – given her name, a member of the same House as the current Open Lord of Waterdeep, or at least posing as one – of the Mandible. She shrugged off the attack upon us as a trifling matter. As Harper had expressed an interest in working with or for the Mandible, she also gave us a missive to deliver to one Malakuth Tabuirr at the temple of Vhaeraun.

I checked it for magic, at Harper’s request, and found none, but I did not have clairvoyance prepared to actually ascertain its contents. I will tomorrow.

We found Adinaun and Twinkle at the High Tide. On closer observation, their manner is very much that of master and slave – a very possessive master, for he’d performed something like a fatal peotomy on an overly familiar halfling. I don’t have enough for a full threat assessment of either of them as yet, but in brief: he appears to be extremely dangerous, armed with a ridiculous amount of weapons and with sufficient scars to denote an experienced survivalist. She appears to have unusual modes of perception, an ingenuous manner, and is enough of a spell-caster to purify their food and drink. Given her demonstrated proficiency with the lyre, I shall tentatively class her as a bard.

Adinaun claims to have worked with Jarnath on a heist. Unsurprisingly, Jarnath orchestrated events that placed him in possession of the entire amount of gold and saw him leave Adinaun for dead. Obviously, Adinaun is now seeking both revenge and the treasure. If we discover its hiding place, he offers fifty percent of the remaining gold. It’s a prospect not without its attraction, not least because Jarnath is an irritant, and – at least here, I will confess it – because Adinaun seems relatively straightforward and pleasant to deal with. Nonetheless, I believe we will need to discuss this matter further.

Shay and Harper released our captive spell-caster that evening, while Katy and I sat down for our first lesson. Eventually. I must have misspoken to some degree when I first explained the exercise, for we were at cross-purposes for some time. Even once I made myself clear and we sat down, it took some time before we got anywhere at all. She remains easily distracted and lacking in discipline, and the fact that Harper joined in did not help (aside: why did he? Simply to guard his wastet-le and be certain of what I was teaching? Or did he expect to make some use of it himself? Simply because it amused him?). Still, we made some progress.

If we continue at this rate, she may be able to safely cast a cantrip about the time my eyebrows turn entirely white.

Later, Katy came up to my room to ask some questions. I think it’s safe to assume her intention was as transparent as it seemed – she wished to ascertain the ties that bind Shay to her order and how they could be broken. As I told her, I have already offered to turn my attention to this matter should Shay wish it, but she has never stated her desire to leave. She is my wastet-le, not my slave; these choices are for her to make.  Katy made the point – a surprisingly insightful one – that Shay has been trained to accept and obey, not to question or to hold preferences. It may no longer be possible for her to want to leave.

I will have to think more on this, although I maintain that a) I will not force Shay to any such action against her will, and b) I will not aid Katy to storm the Long Death Monastery. It is patently suicidal, and I will not be the Red Wizard who breaks our treaty with the monks.

Katy’s motivation in this matter is less clear. It’s long been clear that she is emotionally driven (as is Harper, although it manifests differently), that she attaches primary importance to how she feels about people. It’s entirely reasonable that she should be attached to Shay – I am, and I am not controlled by emotions – and should wish to remove her from a situation that is both painful and not of her choosing. Nevertheless, she was quite insistent on the point. There is a significant difference between ‘Why don’t you just leave the Red Wizards, Khem?’ and ‘How can we get Shay free?’, which may or not be entirely attributable to Shay’s more personable demeanour… but I am speculating without sufficient evidence.

… I dreamed the Thirsty, carved from clouded blue ice. She bent her head to mine, frost to skin, and her thoughts flowed with the bitter cold that radiated from her. I saw her in the arena, small and fragile, a spider-webbing of cracks over her surface. She screamed defiance, both within her thoughts and in the voice of wind from the mountains. Deep under her ice, she began to fill with black smoke, boiling out from the cracks between her fingers, pouring from her eyes and her mouth. The ice could not hold it, and she burst apart. I bled from a thousand cuts, and she was gone – leaving only black smoke and ice, flesh and blood.

This, again. As if I didn’t already know.

Yesterday was an… interesting day. Productive, I hope, but it is so difficult to tell.

Shay was practising her alchemy. I gave her the recipe for hair and iris dye I found in the Arcane Library, and briefly apprised her of the questions Katy had asked. She seemed mildly surprised that Katy had brought it to me instead of her – which is fair, it’s never pleasant to be the subject of furtive discussion (which is, of course, why I informed her) – but she confirmed that Katy has brought this up with her as well. It is another reason I need to watch my student very carefully.

I cast clairvoyance for Harper to ascertain the contents of the letter we were to deliver to Malakuth Tabuirr. It read only ‘I know’. Not as informative as I could have hoped, but suggestive. On one hand, we have Tansia, who intimated her role as leader of the Mandible was to prevent severe upsets of the balance of power in Skullport. On the other, we have a known associate – probably worshipper, certainly patron – of the temple of Vhaeraun, as well as a quantity of Vhaeraunite drow crawling out of the mushrooms, who could support whatever ploy he might have in mind. Certainly at least one drow is plotting a move that will have repercussions for the powerscape of Waterdeep, to which Skullport is linked. At the moment, there is nothing to suggest that Jarnath has support among the other followers of his god, but it’s not impossible.

There are so many unknown quantities as to make me long for home, where I knew all my peers and how they thought, and the resources at their command, and their potential allies and enemies. Still, my initial training must be some help here, and it is… reassuring to have a better idea of our positioning. We are deeply entangled with others’ schemes, of course, but these players have always been on the field, their plans and the currents of their powers already in motion. Now that we are aware of them, we have a much better chance of negotiating them successfully.

We delivered the letter as instructed. I saw the drow who killed Metoth Zurn speaking with the priest there – after sufficient bribery, the priest stated his name was Ahmryr Yhauntyr (I am uncertain of the correct Common spelling), a courier and caravanner. Not particularly informative, but I wasn’t expecting to see him again at all. Nor did I wish to appear too curious; I have no desire to be destroyed as Zurn was. More of this shortly.

The priest to whom we gave the letter did not share his name – I consider it quite likely that he was Tabuirr himself, but I have no real evidence – and was pleased to share information about his deity to potential converts. So, despite being primarily a drow god, it seems Vhaeraun has no particular dislike for the worship of other races (but is that about preference, or only about power?). He would appear to have some agenda beyond the acquisition of wealth and patronage of thieves (freedom? From Lloth? They would appear to exist in opposition, if Jarnath’s hatred of spiders is indicative). He has been silent in the past, but has recently begun to speak to his priests again. I wonder about the time involved - whether Jarnath is a recent convert or lasted through the interregnum... if he deserted while the god was silent, and Valas did not, it might possibly explain the latter’s description of the former’s faith as ‘impure’...

Adinaun and Twinkle were also at the temple. That makes three Vhaearaunite drow in our immediate acquaintance – and one of whatever she might be.

When it appeared we would not gain anything further, we left the temple. Shay and Katy returned to the house, while Harper and I continued on to the Mandible. Tansia appeared reasonably content with the letter’s delivery, if somewhat less so with Harper’s insinuation that the death of the Tyrran high priestess might be a boon to the Mandible’s interests as well, and therefore Tansia should pay him for the assassination. Not so different to my desire to speak with Eshmira Abbar or Anishta Daraam about the matter, save that I am already a Red Wizard, and he is (as far as I know) still proving himself to the Mandible. In any case, she agreed – provided the matter was discreetly handled, and that she was given the priestess’s holy symbol as proof of death.

I suspect Harper has taken this approach because he believes, as I do, that trying to collect payment from Jarnath is unlikely to go smoothly. It’s a shrewd play, assuming Katy’s scruples on the proposed activity can be overcome. If they cannot, I doubt Harper will proceed at all. Where that might leave me – and Shay, for that matter – is another question entirely.

Well. I cast tongues on Harper, so he could understand the conversation at the Enclave – for the first time in his three visits there – and I made Mistress Eshmira aware that I had seen the drow who slew her predecessor at the temple of Vhaeraun, and of the meagre details I had gained. It’s hers to pursue, if she is interested in the involvement of the drow in Red Wizard affairs. If, on the other hand, she hired him herself… well, I might have been less than tactful, but I believe I made my position clear enough. I don’t intend to investigate this further myself, and I hardly care if she did have outside help; I don’t aspire to the Skullport Enclave.

She declined to discuss any Waterdhavian matters; it seems I must seek out Anishta Daraam.

After leaving the Enclave, Harper and I had the usual wrangle. He doesn’t understand why I would remain with my order ‘to be shat upon’; I didn’t understand why he would use that term to describe what had been a perfectly courteous conversation. I admit that the Red Wizard’s path is demanding, and my superiors rarely have my best interests at heart – but that’s as it has to be. The disagreement expanded onto other, only semi-related topics: why he insists on offering me his arm, and why I dislike touching others and resist being touched… which culminated in him insisting on walking three steps behind me the entire way back to the house.

I hated it, of course. There are few things more uncomfortable than someone at your back, where you can’t see them or what they’re doing – and every time I try to stress his position, or to pay him due respect as ahk-veleth, he does something like this… I was sorely tempted to polymorph myself into some winged creature and leave him behind entirely. But Skullport isn’t really safe, and if these unpleasant little games truly amuse him so much, I can let him mock me.

I have had considerable practice in the matter, after all, and he isn’t as vicious as most.

Shay had made a Thayan dessert when we returned. It’s almost disconcerting, how something so little can summon up all that I miss most of home. It’s a weakness, I suppose, to be longing so deeply for a place and time, instead of focusing on what I must do here, but the memories keep returning. The library, warm and cosy on a winter’s day, with the grey rain falling into the lake. The aromatic soups in the refectories, the chatter of my peers, the fierce pleasure of competition… Certainty. Sense. Knowing where I belonged, and seeing a clear path before me.

We discussed our options and choices for a time without reaching a conclusion, partially because we were distracted by the matter of Bob. I believe Katy sees, now, some of the ways in which it seeks to manipulate her, and that it has not always been honest with her. She was quite alarmed when she understood that it was always with her, listening, whether or not she has summoned or can see it, and she retired to bed so that we could discuss more freely. I appreciate the sentiment, although I doubt the creature’s so closely tethered to her that it cannot eavesdrop on a conversation happening downstairs. On the other hand, I’m not sure just how interested it is in anything beyond Katy. If I could identify it properly, perhaps I could get a better idea. Next time I’m in Waterdeep, perhaps…

After she left, I made Harper aware of the possibility that Katy had made a warlock pact with Bob, or whatever entity Bob answers to, and what that might entail. He seemed concerned, if somewhat overloaded with information. He also threatened me: he will not tolerate any attempt on my part to harm Katy, whatever might be asked of her by her putative patron. I was rather taken off-guard. She is not only one of the recurring, but my wastet-le, my student, and I take those responsibilities seriously. Even if I did not, I have clearly stated I do not wish to make an enemy of him: anyone with eyes can see how he values her, and I have never meddled with another’s wastet-le in any case.

It was not an auspicious start to the evening, and it got worse. Between that threat and the accusation of discourtesy, and the earlier irritants – including that Harper had received my letter, but didn’t know what to do about it, and apparently he didn’t comprehend that I was willing to answer his question but did not want to, which is not that fine a distinction! – my patience and defences were worn a great deal thinner than I had realised. When he made some remark about me loving him – quite mild fare, really – I lost control. I let him see exactly how much I disliked his innuendo, and I fled. Thankfully, I retained enough self-discipline to attempt to give the impression of an offended retreat, rather than a defeated rout, but I doubt he was fooled.

My peers would have laughed themselves sick at such a display, and then attempted to goad me further, into rash, self-destructive action. Harper… apologised, and promised to attempt to restrain himself (at which he was not entirely successful, but as I told him, I am reasonably convinced he doesn’t mean anything by it, and I have heard worse). I am certain he does not have the full tale – anyone from my Academy would be delighted to share it, of course, but I doubt he can reach so far as Thay, and we haven’t met anyone out here from home – which is some small comfort. What he will do with the information he does have, however, remains to be seen.

Well. After Harper had done with that subject, he poured me a drink, and he asked for the answer my letter had promised him. Mindful both of the way alcohol affects me, and of the fact he has indicated he finds me more agreeable when I’m drinking, I made judicious use of it while I explained to him exactly what an oneiric diviner is, how my dreams guide and alter my life, exactly who the recurring are – in short, exactly why he matters to me. There were several aspects of his reaction that I note here, in no particular order, for further thought/investigation.

- He never expressed doubt or mockery. The concept was unfamiliar to him – as most aspects of magical theory seem to be – but he has queried other things that I have told him I could do, and this is a more unusual and rarer manifestation of magic.

- He recognised the dream I related to him. I was not carefully monitoring his reaction while I was describing it – an oversight – but I did retain the impression it shook him profoundly. By that I can conclude, I think, that it relates to some aspect of the past he guards so well. I wonder if the other figures represented forces, abstractions, or people, and whether I dare ask him about it. The Silent has so often appeared with a hole or wound, and he has spoken of unpleasant memories…

- “It seems like a cruel thing to do to yourself.” Cruel? That’s not a usual reaction at all. Counter-productive, useless or insane, according to the non-oneiric diviners; impossible or insane, according to the ill-educated. But cruel? I assume he’s judging by his own measure – that is, such dreams are something he would not want for himself. Why would he not want additional warnings, knowledge, insight and guidance? I admit I have dreamed death or torment frequently – but it’s not real (unless and until it is) and it’s a small price to pay. Surely he wouldn’t be scared of that? Possibly linked: does he struggle with common nightmares? Is that why he sleeps so poorly? (If so, is it possible that some of the exercises Mistress Kharzura first set me would help him? I believe this may be worth pursuing.)

- He seemed to understand just how momentous – and staggering – it was to find the recurring in reality. I don’t know what to make of this, except that he has shown flashes of insight on other occasions. I just hadn’t anticipated just how disconcerting it would be to have him understand me that easily, particularly when we seem so often to be completely alien to each other.

- “How much did you see?” That, at least, was unmistakeable and completely understandable. He reacted almost exactly as I would have, if someone had told me they had witnessed some of my more difficult or painful moments. I tried to offer him some reassurance without speaking falsely – most of my dreams are highly allegorical, and difficult to comprehend without more context than I usually possess. I have seen a great deal… but I don’t necessarily know what it means, or where it fits. However, given that he recognised that dream, it seems logical that it referred to something in the past, and, probably, so do most of the other dreams in which the Silent was the masked ash-rabbit, or where the crowned vulture or the ocean-eyed serpent appeared.

- He disliked the idea of dreams in which he’d harmed me, saying that he felt at fault. He also asked how much control I had over my dreams, whether I could just stop them, or some of them, and expressed his wish that I did not dream of him that night. Perhaps I failed to make clear the precise ways that the dreams and reality interact – that it isn’t an exact correlation. There are warnings, there are allegories, there are possibilities. The number of dreams that directly portended something that later occurred is relatively small… In any case, why should he feel responsible for what the Silent does in my dreams? One could make an argument that he would prefer I was not experiencing oneiric fore-echoes of the moment when he does strike against me, but that doesn’t ring true. Mistress Kharzura would fault that conclusion – I have no strong evident or reasoning to support it – but I do not have to defend my reasoning at present, and as long as I don’t allow it to pull me off-guard, I may entertain it if I wish. 

- He asked if we could begin again, and held out his hand for me to take. The angle was exactly the same as when I dreamed it, but if that was truly the moment it presaged, everything else was different. I was terrified. Almost anything else would have been easier than giving him my hand - after all my training and so many dreams... but I conquered my fear, and no ill came out of it.

There is more I should write, I believe, but even the small amount of alcohol I consumed has rendered some aspects of the conversation unclear in my recollection. I will record that Harper began to offer me his assistance in reaching my bed – as far as I can tell – but stopped himself before he reached the end of the sentence, and offered to wake Shay instead. Perhaps he will genuinely try to avoid the innuendo. What a relief it would be, to let those memories rest…

Alcohol disordered my dreams, again, blurring ordinary memory and nightmare with divinatory dreaming, so that the Silent was Khaseth, and I was myself and that elven spell-caster. He did as Khaseth did and as he would have, and I did not escape him.

My hand is cramping, and I have been forced to resort to simpler ciphers in order to complete this entry more quickly. I can hear Katy’s voice from downstairs, enthusing over breakfast as usual; it is more than time I descended.

I am… somewhat anxious at the prospect of facing Harper again, having shared so much. I suspect, from elements of last night, that he may be equally ill-at-ease. It’s not a particularly comforting thought – but why should I expect or desire comfort?