#(im crying rn i hate myself DONT LOOK AT ME) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

ofmermaidstories · 1 year ago

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final chapter is finished. gimme a day to pretend to edit.

#NOT to get emotional on main but i may or may not have burst into tears #not bc of whatever’s happening in the chapter but because it feels so—#like—this fic is now officially 200k in word count and that’s so stupid but also that is literal *years* worth of effort and im #i just can’t believe we’re here LMFAO #(im crying rn i hate myself DONT LOOK AT ME)

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sodaf · 5 months ago

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being mentally ill is so cool

#i cried the entire night because i felt unloved and abandoned while literally sleeping in the same room as two of my friends #who i have been hanging out with for the last 3 days #and i am full aware i am being looked after and cared about but currently i want to do nothing other than lay in bed and think about kms #and scratched the shit out of my neck somehow #it feels like a personal slight agaknst me whenever i dont get the right kind of attention and like everything is #sending me into a more depressed mood #and i dont want to bring anything up bc i dont want to kill the vibe so im trying to bottle it up but i know once i get home #i am gping to have a massive meltdown #and im thinking about how to prevent myself from launching myself from one end of the spectrum of 'best friends' to #'i never want to fucking hear about them again'#through no fault of theor own but holy shit im lkke going through it #i want to be held and cry and be told no im not an unlovable freak whos only at best second place or worse to everyone and everything else #bc currently sure feeling like absolute shit that is making me genuinely suicidal idk how to stress how fucking much i hate myself rn #sorry for posting it here i dont want them to see it if i put it somewhere else 👍

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orcelito · 2 months ago

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God, this is fucking crazy

So i only have 3 more classes to take, but it'll cost the same to take 3 classes as 4 classes. So I've been thinking about taking a 4th class just for the hell of it. Something fun and/or easy.

Out of curiosity, I looked up orchestras. I was in it in my first year, but I haven't consistently played since 2016. But I still dream about being in an orchestra again. I *miss it*. So I was like. Well, what if *that* was my 4th class next semester? What If?

I looked it up. This week is the last week they're doing auditions for it. There was only one more spot free after today. And that's *tomorrow evening*.

I haven't really played my violin much in YEARS. I'm so out of practice. But apparently they don't reject anyone outright. Auditions are just for placement. So worst case scenario, I get placed in an orchestra at a lower skill level than I was at my prime. It'd still be an orchestra.

It's crazy short notice, but I don't think I'd forgive myself if I passed it up. Bc I have just one more semester before I graduate. One last opportunity to be in a school orchestra. And if I didn't do this, I'd be left with that What If forever.

So. Crazy short notice, but I have a violin audition tomorrow!!! Hahahaha

#speculation nation #im literally shaking with nerves rn but i want this so so so badly #i remember. how to play. my arms are just so much stiffer than they used to be. and my nails. man im gonna have to trim my fucking nails #at least my left hand. kinda sucks bc i like the polish i have on rn but u cant have any long nail at all for violin.#i need to play two scales of my choosing. ascending and descending in three octaves.#recommended for violin is A C or E-flat major. of course i know A and C but i'd have to look up E-flat. never did much with flats in school #then again i have that One Two Three and a Half rhythm Down. thats how id often warm myself up.#start with the base G string and just do a scale up and down (one octave). go up to the next note. do it again.#again and again until i started running out of room on the E string. & if i was Real motivated maybe id start shifting to continue.#so all id need to do is find the E flat and id be good. it all follows the same pattern.#the harder challenge will be the solo or etude. 2-3 minutes in length. only *one day* to prepare.#i have NO IDEA what id even play. i'll look in my old sheet music to see if theres anything that might work #simple enough for me to relearn on such short notice. and interesting enough to be played solo #(since i was always in orchestras it's not always the best for solo playing. tho i was also first violin section a lot #which is Basically the same as playing solo lmaooo)#if i cant find anything i do have a few sheet music books i could look in. id hate to play smth too simple #but better simple and Right than trying to do something above my current skill level.#which IRKS ME bc once upon a time i was the 4th best violinist in my high school. out of nearly 2k students.#but thats what happens when u go years without consistent practice :p ur arm gets Stiff.#im. still nervous but also thinking about the music is making me EXCITED.#it's going to be a wild time prepping for this thing but itll be over in like 5 mins and i dont even have to worry about Passing #so long as i *do it* i should get into something. i just need to push myself. do it. get out there. *play your violin*#i already cried in a public bathroom for 10 mins today and im feeling emotional Again.#not quite crying emotional tho thankfully. just. i feel like i need to climb onto a rooftop and SCREAM!!!! but like in a good way.#so so so nervous but itll be so so so worth it. i could be in an orchestra again. finally. finally finally finally.#and i STILL NEED TO FINISH THIS ASSIGNMENT.....!!!! hfkahfks today has been. a DAY.#just. keeps going through my head. i could be in an orchestra again. i could be in an orchestra again. at least one more time.

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parasitic-saint · 1 year ago

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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry

#the parasite talks #i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd #this is getting so sad #i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this #please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays #i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least #rn i will have to force staying awake #maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore #coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me #i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself #i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C #i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed #and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this #and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin #miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit

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mr-urple · 4 months ago

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im okay

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sweetronancer · 10 months ago

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ion wanna do this anymore bro

#im trying so hard not to cry over this stupid little crush #like i want her to look at me the way i look at her but i dont wanna hurt her or myself #and im really working on myself rn and like #im doing pretty good but i like cant do this #i hate liking girls i actually cant do this

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smoothoperador · 2 years ago

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#sorry i need to vent ignore this #my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit #bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer #and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted #but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but #now i hate it again i hate it so much #ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN #and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but #i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers #but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but #it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression #like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be #in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly #to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and #i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn #im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now #i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it #clara tais toi #like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO #preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and #the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like #it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted #dl later

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itsalwaysdark · 2 months ago

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tangentially prev i literally used to get stressed out when i was a kid bc like i knew animals had different lifespans than people and id lie awake and id be like . if a deer was born in the wild at the same moment as me itd probably be dead by now . and id get so stressed out abt it

#Tanrentially related to rhis is i used to just get so stressed out as a kid bc i was like . one day there will be no more ppl born in 2005 #and there will never be New people who were born in 2005 or any other year the number only ever goes down once the years done. this was a #big fear for younger me For some reason. it was this and the like. ok. so #two things. 1. i used to just space out and truly forget i was human and be fully one with a universe and then id despair when i remembered #that i was avtually just a little girl and a real person and i existed. bc id zoom out and it all seemed so inconsequential and it was #lovely. i say 'used to' this still happens just not the same way #and rhe other thing is Id get incredibly freaked out bc id like. id be doing something like. nothing. passing time or reading or whatever #but then id have a moment of clarity and id be like. If i forget this moment tomorrow did it ever actually happen. and id think of how many #moments r just gone from my life bc i dont remember them like. that was a big fear for me as a kid was id just be sitting somewhere and id #be like. this moment is real right now because im living it but if i forget about it than it never actually happened because im not like.#being observed. its just me and if i dont remember it than it never really happened. and this happened so often that it felt like a chain of #myself thinking that exact same thought and just like. looking back and seeing all those moments Kind of thing. but anyways basically i dont #think either of those early fears and terrors have anything to do with my current day psyche so we dont need to talk abt it 👍 except that #we like. have. bc i talked abt it... but whateverrr not my business !#its kinda funny tho i remember like. trying to talk to my dad abt my like Deeply held fear that i wasnt real unless i was being observed #and his response was basically like. That sounds crazy. dont say stuff like that it makes you sound crazy . DJFNJFNGG #and then later was shocked when i didnt go to him for mental health help and its like ... well ... + just yelling at me whenever i cried in #front of him to either 'tell him why i was upset or hed guve me something to cry about'#and its like. well tbh father i dont actually want to explain that im being groomed online rn in the car with the entire family here #including The baby and the 6 year old . but ok . thats cool. and obviously id cry more from being yelled at #sry this got whiny its fine. i was annoying for crying in front of everyone NFNFJFN even tho i wasnt trying to. obviously. i hate crying in #front of ppl

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thatdemiboymess · 5 months ago

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Desperately holding myself back from cutting my own hair by putting it in a ponytail (again) or just buzzing it all off (again) in a fit of desperation and hysteria because ideally I'd really like to get a cool haircut that I'd actually like. But also. I am losing my fucking mind. And every day I am forced to reckon with the fact that I'm probably not gonna get a chance to go outside and get it cut professionally any time soon and especially not before I seriously just can't take this anymore. Woe, I guess. As all things seem to be.

#fae irl #had to go sit myself down at my desk because one second i was just sitting there and the next i was putting my hair up in a ponytail #and getting ready to lop it off once again #stared at myself in the mirror with shaking hands in the pink lights and had to remind myself how stupid it looks whenever i do this lolol #i am clenching my phone so tightly and biting the inside of my mouth with churning guts while i type this #i hate hate hate hate when my hair gets this long but i havent been able to get it cut and i want to get it cut because this is driving me #up the fucking wall but i cant leave and the hair cutting place is so far away and i cant get anywhere i cant leave and i dont want to be a #bother pleading to go get it cut when were tight on money and dont jave transportation of our own and he needs to sleep for work and he #barely gets time to do what he wants to do either so i should really be able to just suck it up and deal with it right?????????????????????#but i cant look in the mirror and its impacting me its impacting me so bad #im almost crying rn lolol #better stop gotta stop being such a fucking crybaby #ohhhhh how horrible your hair is getting loooong ohhh like thats the worst thing in the fucking world fucking whiny bothersome little baby #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #im. losing my fucking marbles.

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cosunter · 8 months ago

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awrgh. yahhoo yay

#y.txt #feeling very weird n awful lately. alienating people in my head for no reason. physically they exist but not to me #i keep comparing myself to others :( not only as in like achievements but also unfortunately in . suffering or life experience till now #i wish i was mentally normal!! or spent this energy on something more useful #im thinking about 500 things at once and none of them is positive things about me i hate everything about me rn #i know i should do something!! but it's very taxing and i also dont want to worry anyone around me :(#ive lost a lot of weight but not where i want to lose it... at the same time i hate how i look like a child and idk how to feel about #my really small chest area #hiding my hair made me lose confidence in myself and i cant dress as well as i did anymore #nor approach people like i used to anymore #i dont know what to pursue as a career and it seems like theres nothing for me anyway with that fuckass degree i have #and living under the worst economy and government #this is long!!!!!!!! and writing it out just made me want to cry uncontrollably #i dnot like when ppl suggest i have depression etc i feel that its not true and im the problem and i CAN fix it but i cant get myself to

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balancefrost · 1 year ago

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🙃

#tw weight #tw body image #im gonna cry pretty soon #ive gained 20lbs and my clothes just dont fit like before #my fave work pants are pinching me and i can only comfortably button them when im standing #so now im sitting at my desk with the button off and zipper down with my sweater covering it up #and i just feel so gross and flabby and i hate hate hate how my body looks rn #and im trying really hard to remind myself how grateful i am to have a body thats healthy and functioning #and i know im lifting and gaining back muscle that i aptly lost over the last 2 years #but its also unhealthy fat and i will kms if i need fo buy new clothes like literally would rather starve at this moment in time #its not even that bad im just literally neurotic and obsessive 🫠#cant even look in my refelction rn like i pretend i do not see #and i love exercise so i know i can get down to a healthier weight #but im telling u i have never in my life weighed this much or looked this FAT #im thru #catch me at the gym 6 days a week 🤦🏼‍♀️

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nightfallsystem-moved · 1 year ago

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Tw vent in tags

#tw vent #tw self harm #vent #at any given moment im like ONE bad things away from cutting myself and five bad things away from trying to kms #i didnt find a rope this time .....#i dont know if i can get one idk where and a sad looking teenage boy buying one rope may bring up suspicion #god i look and act so much like i girl i might as well just get rid of myself #i get misgendered constantly so i bleed out until it hurts close to enough as the misgendering hurts #tw suicide #somehow no matter how deep i cut it wont help #man this has been my only effective coping mechanism for.... 3 years now #but its. ruining my life. and messy that too #if im a girl ill slit my throat #if people keep seeing me as a girl ill cut deep so i can watch myself die #wow i bet theyd be like she was such a nice daughter #i cant cut rn.... gonna cry i need to i need #i hate lifeeeee #why m i alive #i shouldve died from that wound. i wish i did. i should of let myself bleed instead of bandaging it i wish it cut off circulation to my hand #i wish the overdose killed me #im young enough it should take less painkillers but no i had to puke everything up .#wow. im like this at just 14 huh. wow im not gonna make it #not that i care. i wasnt meant for this world #i cant cut all i can do is bite myself until i get a headache from how hard im biting #i do NOT wanna live another day #plzzzz i hope i get hit by a train #plz im praying on my downfall let me out of this misery plz<3 #i feel worse and worae everyday. nothing can save me now #nothing real it doesnt even matter #tw derealization

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cloudd-nyne · 1 year ago

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#uuuggggh #my brain feels like its full of water #i feel like i need to cry but it wont happen #i do not remember the last time i like. actually cried more than a few tears #my bodys auto response is just to shut it off whenever i try i hate that lmfao #brain just feels bad and idk what to do about it #i nearly cried earlier bc i let myself think about writing for too long.#i hate that i cant even look at my docs rn without wanting to cry #i feel so guilty for not working on anything #or for thinking i might not ever.#I've highly considered deleting my a03. or at least purging a decent amount of it #idk i just. i dont feel like anything I've made is wroth it.#its all cringey bs that plenty of people have made the effort to tell me how much they hate it so like #i cant really bring myself to be happy looking at any of it anymore.#im gonna take a nap i guess and just see if i can get my brain out of this funk #vent

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little-mimikyuwu · 1 year ago

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#crying n shitting myself rn #im so fucking pissy about the new tmnt movie #it looks so bad???#they dont look like teens!!!#they look like 10yr olds #why is their faces so squished???#i hate the artstyle #the voice acting???#oh my god the little bit ive heard grates my god damn ears #it looks so like???#bad and cringy???#make them more adulty please #go back 2 the og vibes #also the baby versions of them make me wanna commit a hate crime #wheres the violence and murder and blood and hore #gore*#like listen #if youre gonna go more pg route #do what 2012 did #i love that fucking series #its fucking its mostly pg its got its moments the style bangs the voice acting bangs just #please #not this #not my oldest hyperfixation you cant do this 2 me #i rather go watch the movie(s)? show whatever it was w/ the female tmnt character over this shit #at least she kicks ass

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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 2 years ago

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I Fucked Up

#i was calling a friend on friday #we got to talking about the summer camp we both work at #and i knew what positions people would be offered even before offers were sent out #i mentioned that i knew where she worked and she said 'i know where im working i just dont know if im assistant director or not'#and i said that unfortunately shes not #after that the conversation kinda died and i was at work so i said bye #today she texted me that she was really upset that i just dropped that news and left #and i didnt know what she was talking about #she said the only thing she was looking forward to was being assistant director and i just dropped that news and left her as she was crying #i didnt realize she was crying! i didnt realize it had meant that much to her and it had affected her so negatively #otherwise i wouldnt have left. but i feel so bad now cuz i love her and i know shes not doing too well rn #so that was uhm not ideal #but then she texted something to the effect of #'its okay it helped me realize no matter how many people say they care ill always be alone at the end #so i should just start to be myself instead of a fake person that i hate made for other people #so uh... glad she's working on herself. not idead that this is how it happened #not great that i hurt someone i care so much about #ive been told that i dont think before i speak. perhaps this was one of those times #but goodness gracious i never thought i could fuck up this bad #i feel so bad... she gave no indication on that call that she was upset. i didnt hear her crying at all #i feel absolutely terrible and i really dont know how to fix this #she said its okay now but theres clearly a lot of negative feelings still there and trust needs to be earned back #fuck

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81folklore · 1 year ago

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heaven - PIASTRI - part 2

pairings: oscar piastri x private!secret!reader (fc: gracie abrams)

summary: a very sweet softlaunch ends pretty quickly

authors notes: first of all a huge thank you to everyone who has liked, reblogged and taken the time to read my works it means so much to me and im so so grateful!! next, this is something i made at 1am so please bear with me😭. i am working on the lando and charles stories i PROMISE but i want them to be special and i currently have zero thoughts about where to take them so it might be a while🫣 also i almost finished this when tumblr DELETED IT?? i want to cry😁 ALSO i started this at like 1am and i cant be asked to do tweets rn so insta smau it is

masterlist heaven masterlist

yourusername

liked by yourfriend2, user7 and 583 others

ahahah i love the beach and my friends

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yourfriend2: dont be fooled she called me crying after the fourth photo bcs she lost 5 games of uno in a row

yourusername: i called you in confidence and this is how you repay me??

user6: its fine we know how emotional uno can get😁

yourusername: ??

user7: im so single hahahahhaa (im dying inside)

user10: is it confirmed that this is oscar?

user9: im not being funny but oscar doesnt even follow her so i think yous are just reaching

user10: …they have the same dog??

yourfriend6: might aswell post his face at this point

yourusername: leave me aloneeee im having fun!!

oscarpiastri

liked by clementnovalak, paularon_ and 93,357 others

second part of the season incoming 😁👊 (after a very competitive round of uno)

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user7: ready to see you up on the podium🧡

user10: uno you say?

user3: right could they be more obvious😭

yourusername: its race week babyyy

*liked by oscarpiastri*

user17: literally what is happening why are all of the grid softlaunching😭

user8: and why does it always end in the hardest of launches

yourusername and oscarpiastri added to their stories

yourfriend2: 😭😭

yourusername: i am sick and tired i just want to POST him but softlaunches are so fun😔

yourfriend2: its really fun when everyone already knows?

yourusername: no but we are in too deep now☹️

user6: god you guys are insufferable

user23: JUST POST THE CUTE COUPLE PHOTOS ALREADY

user23: i lied please dont im so single it hurts

yourusername

liked by oscarpiastri, landonorris and 6,572 others

the world through my eyes☀️

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oscarpiastri: i love you sososo much

oscarpiastri: my favorite person in the entire world

yourusername: ur literally my sunshine🫶

yourfriend1: god you make me SICK

yourusername: ..okay😁 oscarpiastri i love youuu🤭

landonorris: i hate people in love (you guys are very cute)

user10: THE NOTE OH

user18: THE HARDEST OF LAUNCHES HAPPENED

user7: he is her world oh my lord

user63: and the fact that hes her sunshine too😭😭

user63: literally crying myself to sleep

oscarpiastri

liked by danielricciardo, yourusername and 143,572 others

my happiness

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yourusername: teheehee thats me🤭

yourusername: i LOVE YOUUU

yourusername: i didnt know you took photos of me like this☹️

oscarpiastri: of course your my favorite🧡

yourusername: oh could you get any cuter🫠

yourfriend4: thought you should know yn is currently jumping up and down and giggling while looking at this

user23: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO POST THESE?? I CANT HANDLE THIS??

user8: god really saw me sad and said ‘heres the happiest and best couple, wallow more’

user16: YOU GUYS ARE LITERALLY THE CUTEST?? THE NOTES?? THE POSTS??

user1: i cant stand people in love (i want to cry and drown in my tears)

yourusername: oh my god im so obsessed with you

oscarpiastri: i loooove youuu

oscarpiastri added to their story

yourusername: ahhhhh im so☹️

yourusername: osc☹️☹️ur literally the cutest thing to exist

yourusername: my boys🫶🫶

yoursusername: im so in love with you sunshine☀️

oscarpiastri: love you, thank you for showing me happiness🤍

#f1 instagram au #f1 smau #f1 social media au #f1 x reader #formula 1 insta au #formula 1 social media au #social media au #oscar piastri x reader #oscar piastri #★ private oscar #f1 insta au

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