#(im crying rn i hate myself DONT LOOK AT ME) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ofmermaidstories · 1 year

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final chapter is finished. gimme a day to pretend to edit.

#NOT to get emotional on main but i may or may not have burst into tears #not bc of whatever’s happening in the chapter but because it feels so—#like—this fic is now officially 200k in word count and that’s so stupid but also that is literal *years* worth of effort and im #i just can’t believe we’re here LMFAO #(im crying rn i hate myself DONT LOOK AT ME)

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sodaf · 2 months

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being mentally ill is so cool

#i cried the entire night because i felt unloved and abandoned while literally sleeping in the same room as two of my friends #who i have been hanging out with for the last 3 days #and i am full aware i am being looked after and cared about but currently i want to do nothing other than lay in bed and think about kms #and scratched the shit out of my neck somehow #it feels like a personal slight agaknst me whenever i dont get the right kind of attention and like everything is #sending me into a more depressed mood #and i dont want to bring anything up bc i dont want to kill the vibe so im trying to bottle it up but i know once i get home #i am gping to have a massive meltdown #and im thinking about how to prevent myself from launching myself from one end of the spectrum of 'best friends' to #'i never want to fucking hear about them again'#through no fault of theor own but holy shit im lkke going through it #i want to be held and cry and be told no im not an unlovable freak whos only at best second place or worse to everyone and everything else #bc currently sure feeling like absolute shit that is making me genuinely suicidal idk how to stress how fucking much i hate myself rn #sorry for posting it here i dont want them to see it if i put it somewhere else 👍

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urplepurplegurgleturgle · 1 month

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im okay

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parasitic-saint · 9 months

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wasting a whole week by sleeping is making me want to cry

#the parasite talks #i'm still able to do my work in a hurry but my godddddddd #this is getting so sad #i know my friends love me but i feel like such a burden and such a bore when im always like this #please i just need my 30°C spring and horrible solar rays #i still cant wake up before 12pm on those days but i am awake more at night at least #rn i will have to force staying awake #maybe energy drinks might help idk anymore #coffee doesnt really help but maybe the caffeine in those might jumpstart me #i just need to get my horrible life in order again and stop thinking how easier it will be to just kill myself #i know spring might not fix me but at least it will be a big help not having these cold temperatures (which arent really cold anyways)#but i hate anything below 25°C #i feel like that scen where will graham is crying and shaking before hving the seizure that's me but i dont have a seizure and i dont...#...look pretty im just depressed #and i am the only one who has to take my sorry ass out of this #and i know the big amount of priviledge i have to just be depressed and sleeping for a whole week in my bed without a worry and just feelin #miserable for myself and i wont be a danger to myself do it's just a spoiled brat's shit

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sweetronancer · 7 months

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ion wanna do this anymore bro

#im trying so hard not to cry over this stupid little crush #like i want her to look at me the way i look at her but i dont wanna hurt her or myself #and im really working on myself rn and like #im doing pretty good but i like cant do this #i hate liking girls i actually cant do this

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piplupod · 10 months

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#i think it is because i am so desperate and miserable probably #but i just really wish i knew why i am not likeable fjfkdl #i feel like there is something so obvious that im oblivious to somehow. and everyone else sees it and hates it #and i just. cant figure it out #i feel like im one of those hateful bigots who cry abt how nobody likes them and its so obvious why nobody likes them #i hope I'm not that. but maybe i am idk. i cannot figure it out and im just really tired of trying and failing w ppl #fumbling every attempt to make friends #theres ppl being v nice to me on a sideblog where I've been sharing art and stuff and I'm just constantly waiting for me to fuck it up #and then they will realize whatever it is about me that puts everyone off. and i will lose the chances of friendship.#im so scared and tired. i just want to understand what im doing wrong so i can fix it and be better and be likeable #idk i think there is just smth inherently wrong within me. im off putting somehow. there is smth festering at my core maybe #and everyone else can just /sense/ it. and i am trying so hard to be good at socializing and friendships but i somehow fumble it always #i just wish i knew what it was that im doing wrong #or like... if its smth inherent within me I'd also like to know so i can just accept it finally and move on #argh idk this is so pathetic probably but i am just so frustrated w myself tonight #im just constantly waiting for me to somehow mess things up w the nice ppl in my life rn and be left without that again #and im not doing anything to self sabotage even!! im just treading very carefully!! and trying my best to be good!!#but it seems to always go wrong somehow like ppl just... pull away #idk. i feel so terrified that it's so obvious whats wrong w me and im just not seeing it #i keep trying to look but i cannot see what it is so idk !! i keep looking!! i dont understand !!

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smoothoperador · 1 year

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#sorry i need to vent ignore this #my new years resolution for 2023 was to work out consistently and get fit #bc i was really embarrassed at how physically weak i was last summer #and for the most part i did but with prepa and stuff i couldnt exercise as much as i wanted #but i still lost a bit of weight and was somewhat happy with the results for a while but #now i hate it again i hate it so much #ive been dancing a LOT (like 4h/week min. which is a lot for a fulltime uni student) bc it's convenient and good cardio and most of all FUN #and yeah the weight i lost is due to that and my cardio is good and im definitely much more fit than last year but #i still hate the way i look. so viscerally. and i know its my brain telling me nonsense bc it's not like a body can 'look bad'#and i'm lit a healthy weight im just a little thicker than french standards?#but i need to exercise more i want to lose all this fat i pinch my skin and wish it would melt beneath my fingers #but i dont have time or money for the gym and no buddy to go with and im intimidated so i just work out from home but #it's not enough i feel so discouraged. body dysmorphia in the summer really doesnt help my seasonal depression #like i truly believed this year would be my 'summer body' or whatever shit that means and its not and idk what to do i just want to be #in another persons skin. have another persons body. anyone truly #to the point that dancing isnt even fun for me anymore it's just competitive w myself i want to maximize the calories i burn and #i sometimes record myself cause i want to see the steps i miss and i did and i saw my body and it killed all my joy.#made me wanna die and cry. i stopped dancing immediately and i just swallowed back the tears cause theres no way i look like that.#so repulsive and nowhere near where i wanted. and again i know it's in my head there's no such thing as a 'repulsive' body due to weight!?!#but i cant apply that reasoning to myself. and i hate myself so much rn #im being called for dinner rn but i'd honestly rather not eat. i think i'd feel horribly gross if i ate anything right now #i told my friends i'd stop using hunger as a form of self-punishment but it almost feels satisfying in a twisted way... like i deserve it #clara tais toi #like ia m SO obsessed with my appearance in a way that is borderline unhealthy i am SO #preoccupied by how im perceived (physically) if i look hot if i look pretty if i look cute at any and all times and #the answer is never ever satisfactory because other ppls judgement of me cannot fix my own but like #it's so exhausting. i'm so exhausted #dl later

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diobrando · 2 years

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there are at least 10 seats between me and the other person and this girl decides to sit 2 seats over from me like cmon girl move over 3 more seats wtf

#theres only 10 people around me in this corner of the library and theyre all at least 6ft away from me which rules #also not to expose myself but i am in here reading my yaoiz instead of doing schoolwork no wonder romario drags me for this #BUT in my defense i havent even looked at this reading in like.... uhhh a month? and the more i read the more i think about that one review #that says this series works better without the romance and god yeah idc about that at all im here for them growing close despite their #opposing viewpoints and tbh im so obsessed with how batshit crazy YWS is BUT SQ is my it guy #i dont usually pick the kindhearted protag as my fav but he's different #he really is kind and acts on his kindness with no desire to have it returned (tho it is appreciated) only to have his kindness repaid with #cruelty from the people he helps like god he's constantly being betrayed or hurt but his resolve is firm like cmon im a sucker esp when he #almost died and shiwu saved him and told him that even tho most people tend to forget the kindness granted to them by others that he still #regarded SQ's kindness as a virtue esp as he was alive and well because of SQ showing him a small kindness months before meeting again #like do not look at me this was the first time his kindness was shown in the first 50 chapters as having had a positive outcome and the way #he teared up and had that internal monologue about how it felt nice to finally have someone return his kindness and thank him and want to #emulate him like god im on the floor im dying im crying ALSO is his son now #there was no way that arc was gonna end well and im reading through it rn but theyre everything to me i want more of these 2 and only them #i said id stop reading at ch. 50 so i could do schoolwork so bye i gotta finish this chapter now and spend a few hours before class focusing #on scaffolding vocabulary and building background knowledge ;( (its fine i dont hate it i would prefer to continue my pleasure reading)#also i should be shot for reading this instead of electric sheep bc i did bring it too but i made a mistake this weekend by looking at this #reading and now im on ch. 49 and dont want to stop but im gonna have to

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thatdemiboymess · 2 months

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Desperately holding myself back from cutting my own hair by putting it in a ponytail (again) or just buzzing it all off (again) in a fit of desperation and hysteria because ideally I'd really like to get a cool haircut that I'd actually like. But also. I am losing my fucking mind. And every day I am forced to reckon with the fact that I'm probably not gonna get a chance to go outside and get it cut professionally any time soon and especially not before I seriously just can't take this anymore. Woe, I guess. As all things seem to be.

#fae irl #had to go sit myself down at my desk because one second i was just sitting there and the next i was putting my hair up in a ponytail #and getting ready to lop it off once again #stared at myself in the mirror with shaking hands in the pink lights and had to remind myself how stupid it looks whenever i do this lolol #i am clenching my phone so tightly and biting the inside of my mouth with churning guts while i type this #i hate hate hate hate when my hair gets this long but i havent been able to get it cut and i want to get it cut because this is driving me #up the fucking wall but i cant leave and the hair cutting place is so far away and i cant get anywhere i cant leave and i dont want to be a #bother pleading to go get it cut when were tight on money and dont jave transportation of our own and he needs to sleep for work and he #barely gets time to do what he wants to do either so i should really be able to just suck it up and deal with it right?????????????????????#but i cant look in the mirror and its impacting me its impacting me so bad #im almost crying rn lolol #better stop gotta stop being such a fucking crybaby #ohhhhh how horrible your hair is getting loooong ohhh like thats the worst thing in the fucking world fucking whiny bothersome little baby #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #im. losing my fucking marbles.

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cosunter · 5 months

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awrgh. yahhoo yay

#y.txt #feeling very weird n awful lately. alienating people in my head for no reason. physically they exist but not to me #i keep comparing myself to others :( not only as in like achievements but also unfortunately in . suffering or life experience till now #i wish i was mentally normal!! or spent this energy on something more useful #im thinking about 500 things at once and none of them is positive things about me i hate everything about me rn #i know i should do something!! but it's very taxing and i also dont want to worry anyone around me :(#ive lost a lot of weight but not where i want to lose it... at the same time i hate how i look like a child and idk how to feel about #my really small chest area #hiding my hair made me lose confidence in myself and i cant dress as well as i did anymore #nor approach people like i used to anymore #i dont know what to pursue as a career and it seems like theres nothing for me anyway with that fuckass degree i have #and living under the worst economy and government #this is long!!!!!!!! and writing it out just made me want to cry uncontrollably #i dnot like when ppl suggest i have depression etc i feel that its not true and im the problem and i CAN fix it but i cant get myself to

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balancefrost · 9 months

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🙃

#tw weight #tw body image #im gonna cry pretty soon #ive gained 20lbs and my clothes just dont fit like before #my fave work pants are pinching me and i can only comfortably button them when im standing #so now im sitting at my desk with the button off and zipper down with my sweater covering it up #and i just feel so gross and flabby and i hate hate hate how my body looks rn #and im trying really hard to remind myself how grateful i am to have a body thats healthy and functioning #and i know im lifting and gaining back muscle that i aptly lost over the last 2 years #but its also unhealthy fat and i will kms if i need fo buy new clothes like literally would rather starve at this moment in time #its not even that bad im just literally neurotic and obsessive 🫠#cant even look in my refelction rn like i pretend i do not see #and i love exercise so i know i can get down to a healthier weight #but im telling u i have never in my life weighed this much or looked this FAT #im thru #catch me at the gym 6 days a week 🤦🏼‍♀️

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