#i feel like i need to cry but it wont happen
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#uuuggggh#my brain feels like its full of water#i feel like i need to cry but it wont happen#i do not remember the last time i like. actually cried more than a few tears#my bodys auto response is just to shut it off whenever i try i hate that lmfao#brain just feels bad and idk what to do about it#i nearly cried earlier bc i let myself think about writing for too long.#i hate that i cant even look at my docs rn without wanting to cry#i feel so guilty for not working on anything#or for thinking i might not ever.#I've highly considered deleting my a03. or at least purging a decent amount of it#idk i just. i dont feel like anything I've made is wroth it.#its all cringey bs that plenty of people have made the effort to tell me how much they hate it so like#i cant really bring myself to be happy looking at any of it anymore.#im gonna take a nap i guess and just see if i can get my brain out of this funk#vent
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merlin being so overwhelmed by everything he’s been put under, crumbling under the weight of destiny and being pulled in so many different directions he’s being torn apart, going to the one person who can offer him the most comfort out of everyone, his best friend, his other half. arthur who doesn’t realize whats happening until he turns and sees merlin’s desolate expression and tear filled eyes. merlin going “i know you are king (or prince) and you refuse to call me your friend, but you are mine and i really, really need my friend right now.” and before arthur can manage a word, merlin is stumbling forward into arthur’s arms and pulling him into a desperate hug, muffling his sobs as best he can but arthur can still feel the tears soaking his shoulder. arthur not asking any questions and just wrapping his arms around merlin while he breaks down.
#bbc merlin#merlin emrys#arthur pendragon#platonic or romantic merthur#both fit#merlin shouldve gotten the chance to break down in front of arthur at least once#merlin was always there for arthur when he was feeling down#merlin always picked up the pieces#arthur shouldve been able to return the favor#i need arthur seeing this extremely vulnerable merlin who is weighed down by something arthur doesnt truly understand#but he is stil lthere for merlin#they were friends even if they (mostly) refused to admit it and i feel like they shouldve had moments like these#like yeah these moments happened when arthur was breaking down but i wouldve loved to see it from merlin#arthur noticing that merlin has so much going on that arthur has no idea how to help or fix or how to protect him from it#being so helpless that all he can do is wrap merlin in his arms and let him cry#merlin doesnt ever tell him why he broke down. when he finally pulls away he wont meet arthurs eye and is wiping away his tears#then he apologizes and leaves#fanfiction#fanfic#fic idea#prompts#head canon#headcanon#hc#angst 😋
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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Since writing the affirmations and starting manifestation again, I've actually been in a much better headspace. It's crazy how things align, and you end up where you need to be, especially through pain
#txt#have been reading the affirmations every day twice a day sometimes#doing my intentions and manifesting what i wsnt#which is mainly independence#also a good relationship with my ex from here#mainly stuff for me tho#and the full moon on Wednesday which is in scorpio which is his sun sign#will be a big release and maybe i can let go a bit or a lot lol#i need to move on and focus on myself and what i want in life and doing it all on my own#with support obviously but ive never been fully independent and im so ready for the blessings and the open doors#i dont know if ill truly ever be over him but i have to try for my own sanity at this point#i dont want to manifest anything selfish like him coming back to me because it probably wont happen anyway lmao#i hope i dont sound crazy lmao but coming back into my spiritual journey is definitely what i need#connecting with myself and my purpose feels like the only thing i can do rn#have a driving lesson tomorrow but in all honesty i could just go do the test and pass cause ive been driving forever and im good at it#just need to practice certain things but im nearly there! so close i can feel it and see it#anyway i hope i can keep this energy up and continue to head in a positive direction because it feels really good#if i need to cry about him and the loss then i will but im not going to dwell on it too much#i just need to take it as a lesson and let it go :)#cause at the end of the day i really did lead myself here whether it was his choice to end it or not#blah
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God I'm so fucking annoyed how come she gets to treat me however she likes and then gets to say she didn't mean it?????
#have u considered not constantly comparing me to ur abusive husband who hit u??????#since i was like 8 its really fucking weird#like who in their right mind tells their child theyre naturally destructive just like their father and then says ohhhhh but i didnt mean it#are u fucking insane#doesnt help that i look like him too everyone tells me that#and now she acts like me raising my voice once means she needs to walk on eggshells around me wtf#what about how u treated me from ages 13-16#freak#i cant believe this shes treating me like im some scary stranger as if shes not the one with full financial control and that im this horribl#person go kill yourself omgjdjsjsjwjwwhwhhw#fuck u#last year was the worst year of my life and that was wholy bc of u you showed me what place i really have in this family and that it was not#hing. how is sveryrone so ready to throw me away??#yet everyone else gets to say shes sooo proetctive and loving fuck off you wouldnt even tell them youre treating me badly diedie diediediedi#i want to cut so bad bro#but i promised myself i wont so#i mean i dont even have any way of gettibg blades so whatver#just remembered her reaction to me cutting#nothing. yeah absolutely no reaction. i thought the worat thing that could happen was her gettjbg mad at me again but no#i realised there was somwthing worse. she just straight up doesnt care#useless mother#im fine w u treating me like shit ive accepeted it that i have no place in anyone's life unlesss i hive into this but at least#at least stop trying to confront me like this#just let me rot in peace#i really dont want to do this anymore#any time now she'll ask me if i was pretending to cry so i wpuldnt have to go out w her now#as if that isnt insulting#and then she'll say i wasnt trying to be rude!!! as if she hasnt always treated me like none of my feelings r real. i only ever overeact. ok
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its when ur current depression becomes an equal rival to the worst year of ur life that its truly over
#vent#looping the same song i did when i was like 16 for the first time since i was 16. its over.#i hate this like actjally. like actually. but when u say ur depressed and want to kill urself over everything it doesnt feel as serious whe#ots actuslly gotten really bad. and then no one seems to notice . and u wont ask for help or attention and thus cannot and will not blame#anyone for not giving u any. so ur best comfort is just fuckinfn. x reader fics. instesd of anyttingelse#sigh. lying. im sure people uave noticed but we all knoe no ones going to actjally do anything. i wont reach out and neither will u. notrll#i dont know. fuckass purgatory of wanting to isolate and wanting to be checked on and not feeling cared for bjt knkwing its on U etc etc#my personal and constant hell#and like what cluld anyone reallydo. idk. wharever. i hate myself i hate evrrything in my life i hope a truck hits me#dentist on friday. wish i didnt get anxiety spikes everytime i had to get a cleaning. me and my fuckass dental hygiene and weak teeth#just keep crying and feeling abxious and self loathing all thetime. and then u feel so fucking stupid bc everyone around u has it way harde#and jts like what is my probprm. my life should be so so easy so why is this happening to me menrwlly and emotjoanlly#ihate this. i hate mysrlfnsoabd i hate my life i hate my brain i need to die i neeed to fall putof a window#and dont get me starteddon my envious jealouzpathetic nature. seeing people being smarter and successful and happy and w friends#icant do this dawg. hope i die
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working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do
#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me#like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that#and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already#bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back#and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess#but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because.#idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise#and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help#and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out#and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao#and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw#like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way#and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt#and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years#to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad#she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it#long ass tag story sorry
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should i make a soukoku fan manga just because a silly joke at wnd of a animatic gave me too many ideas.....
#look if you know you know/jjj#i dont gatekeep its the im in love with a monster soukoku one#at the end chuuya tortures dazai by cutting bandages near him and im just. i got ideas okay#so. dazai asks chuuya to ses his scars. this happens before things start and manga starts where chuuya sabout to cut one#then you get the exposition and how chuuya has let dazai see his vulnerability and chuuya wont let this suisidle idiot go from some scars#so then gets consents again and the bandages are cut. little by little. going up dazais arm as he panics and panics and#tada! pamic attack!! chuuya stops as soon as he notices and gets a cloth to cover dazais arm as he trys to comfort him#this is where it gets a little confusing. other plot happens and defedently a few days to a week passez#dont know full details but it leads to dazai wanting to try again and chuuya reluctantly agreeing. as long as they try something#aka dazai gets blindfolded (fully. this is like when there 17-18) and chuuya gently unravels them this time so they can be reravled if need#before starts theres some banter but its clear theyre both nervous. so when chuuya finally starts. its super tense#and then chuuya starts kissing the scars. each one. slowky as dazai is unravled. amd difhsjf its soft#no teasing remarks. just gentle messages amd soft touches mutterd to the skin and oh god it makes dazai cry#as soon as chuuya notices he stops but dazai tells him to keep going. so he dose#this comic could be interpreted as smutty but how it ends to me is more soft words and cuddles at the end. a soft nice end#just smth to feel good and fluffy and cry to cause fuckkkk is soft
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Me, the other night: "I may be going through a fuck of a life situation, but it could always be worse if I broke a flower pot in the shower again."
Me, today, waking up with a swollen and painful mouth infection:
#im in too much pain to find a better react#im so fucking tired#when will life stop throwing me multiple curveballs?? i dont even know how to juggle!!#im just getting hit in the face with each curveball. and it feels like it today too holy shit#im in the middle of teeth alignments for treating my tmj pain idk how im gonna go thru another root canal#my first root canal was only preceeded by hot/cold sensitivity. it never got swollen or hot#im so exhausted man. at least the regular dentist can see me today and hopefully give me antibiotics#im on immunosuppressants so i was crying this morning like damn im gonna have to go to the er for this i wont survive the weekend#im so upset tho it took me forever to fill my last prescription. so dont jinx it but i might still need to keep that er plan on hold#the good thing ab that tho is my back mri is tomorrow which is at the local er so i can do the mri and walk right over if needed#i just dont understand how this could happen i brush and floss after everything i eat or drink (so at least 3 times a day. thoroughly.)#bad genetics and stress strikes again i guess#vent#Cori.exe#Post.exe#god and i spent the last 2 days stress picking my face too so i look ROUGH right now#everything sucks lol#its right over where my wisdom tooth would have been too so like. way back there. im gonna be drinking soup for weeks#rip coris jaw. never had a chance
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my hands FUCKING HURTTTTT
#and my left pinky keeps lockin and it hurts so bad and idk what to dooo#i have genuinely been in constant pain for over a year now#but its not THAT bad i think its like a normal amount of pain like i think if i talked about it to my mom shed be like ok so what#and id be like nothin ig just complainin and then id go to my room and cry#i need to call the doctor i should anyways cause i NEED to be on antidepressants or SOMETHING but i genuinely cant get myself to call#and my mom wont help me so ig whenever i manage to call thats when itll happen im pretty sure im gonna die before then#im so sad and my head hurts and my heart hurts and my HANDS hurt my brain hurts and i see people in the dark and i always feel like im bein#followed n touched and i hear murmurin and random fuckin sounds that make NO sense#I HEAR EGGS BREAKIN!! some kinda fuckin fuzz?? static?? sometimes i hear people SCREAM and it wakes me up like i feel it in my ears#ive been so chill about it though#but theres people in my house and i am scared of them cause i know they want to hurt me and my mom is. makin things worse#shes tryna be nice n chill now i think cause she feels guilty about how bad she upset me but honestly that could be wishful thinkin maybe#she just doesnt care and is just in a good mood.#i been havin violent thoughts n made genuine suicide plans and im watchin myself do all this with detached concern#ill be out anywhere n see shit n be like i wonder if id die i wonder if i could die#im havin a bad time#i feel like i dont even really exist#idk what to do#i feel completely paralyzed
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Being vague about it bc things can and will go wrong for me at the very last second but I might finally experience a Win tomorrow. 🧿🧿🧿
#talkys#im going to have to bust my ass again to remake all the money im gonna lose but this is#in fact one of the things i was saving for. and i do need it.#i hate having mental illness brain though bc im convinced im using up all my luck for the year already#like ive been begging for something good to happen every day and universe is like okay you get the One and thats it#wah ...we will see. i hope it leads to better things...i really really hope#i hope things get better for everyone in general i feel everyones been having an awful yr so far#anyway i might cry when it happens bc im still convinced it Wont bc things keep going bad for me#i really really want it....
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im going to rant
#i truly feel so alone right now and like nobody cares about me#i moved to an entirely new state and live alone and i dont know anyone#discord used to be full of friends but now everytime i tried talking in any of my servers im basically completely ignored#maybe ill get lucky and get a non verbal reaction in lieu of a response#and then i just tried telling someone hey you shouldnt use slurs because they are bad and offensive#and somehow everyone got mad at ME for not properly explaining why slurs are bad????#and then i kept asking for help someone plesse help me here if im doing bad why wont someone else explain#and then they say its just ‘your fault its all your fault you need to communicate better you started this you keep bringing it up’#but i said multiple times i was done and yet i kept getting pulled back in?$?#i tried talking in another server about it and then just got bitched at and blamed or ignored by people who i was convinced were my friends#but they werent treating me like a friend i felt like a criminal on trial#and i started crying and told them i was crying and then theyre like ‘its not that deep get over it’#and im like it IS that deep to me?? i feel like im going crazy?!#and ive been telling them this entire time how badly in strugglingand how alone i feel and then the election happened#and im like losing my fucking mind over here and NO ORN CARES#NO ONE FUCKING CARES#no one fucking cares about me#thats all this boils down to is not mattering#i dont know#i dont feel like i matter#im tired of being ignored and made to feel like its all my fault#is it my fault????#do i deserve this#do i need to stop talking??? nobod wants to talk to me#i feel like im going insane#i feel crazy#i feel alone and betrayed and abandoned and no one fucking asked if i was okay they just all…#nobody cares#nobody fucking cares#im one bad thing away from killing myself im so serious
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#im so so so so tired#i want good things happening to me#im tired of saying “well at least ---” or “it could be worse” bc i want it to be better#we all deserve that#it shouldn't be always this difficult or fucking unbearable#i know there are people who have it worse#but see???#i dont want to feel ungrateful for thinking “my life sucks in several ways” and being afraid of things getting worse because of that#i feel like if im ungrateful things will get worse#but they're pretty fucked up anyways lol#so whats the deal#anyways I'm in a bad mood#my grandma died and i miss her so much and i feel kinda numb like “it was expected” and ???#i want to cry my eyes out because of her but no#i guess my grief for my father's passing made me normalize a bit death idk#but it's not okay that my grandma died no matter her age#and im mad that the world keeps spinning#and im mad that im not better#and im mad because my fucking computer wont turn on when i need it the most#i wanted to writeeeee#to stop thinking#i also wanted to start considering the idea of playing dnd online but i guess i wont be able to for the foreseeable future#ugh im mad#i want to sleep forever bye
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Me when RitaOhio tells me I owe them $1200 and I have until the beginning of next month to pay it or I owe more or go to court
#HELLA SPAM WARNING IGNORE MY ASS im just ranting vvv#its just bc i live in ohio??#and im so fucking frustrated bc i already talked to them on the phone like a week or two ago and i was only supposed to owe about $500#and i was like damn but okay i can do thay#but i check the website this morning. and its saying i owe fucking $1200??? just from the past 2 years??#something similar happened to my bsf and my other friend but they weren't getting a specific tax taken out of their checks. but i AM.#im actually getting about 3x more taken out of my check from that tax than my best friend (we work together)#so??????? what the actual fuck??#i may gave to go to court and get the shit figured out bc i dont understand at all#i already pay a fuck ton out of each of my paycheck so what gives?? i paid my local taxes.#i hate taxes#apparently everyone hates ritaohio bc theyre super shady and do this kind of shit all the time to get more money#i need to stop crying. im working the drive thru rn and these customers have to deal with my sorrowful ass#somethings obviously wrong and im sure i wont actually have to pay that much but its just extremely stressful#i love ranting in the tags ❤️ i feel a little better but HFWIWJVDIAKSVEHIWIA FUCK YOUUUUU RITA OHIO!!!!!! >:(((🖕🖕🖕
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Feeling unloved in a way that says I should go to bed
#just feeling like people cant be bothered finishing or holding conversation with me#despite knowing that theres other stuff happening and notifications get lost all the time or maybe i made the conversion hard to continue#and reassurance will only make it worse bc its easy to say “no i care” but then your feed will sweep my posts away and you wont interact#and i know i feel like this bc i should sleep#but sometimes i always feel like this#and maybe im just falling into a depression episode again#or maybe i do just need sleep#im probably lonely#i habent seen my friends in over a month now im sure#oh and im crying now#this is going on for far too long
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vent tw, if you have depression please please just dont interact-
#ok so. to preface this for anyone with depression going past this point. im not gonna be nice. this isnt about you#this isnt about you in particular or how your secretly constantly a burden to everyone you love or how you just cant get it right#its not about having to deal with a person with depression but more how the social climate has made it so its so hard to deal with every#thing. thats all. if you read more do not blame me for feeling bad.#that was your only and last warning#okay so! now that hopefully all my homies with depression out there are ok- it is hard being surrounded by people with depression#sorry like. i am the only one in my imediate family without depression. and its. its hard a lot#like i care so much about these people and yet i cant help them because their either sad or tired or angry or numb most of the time#and i cant do anything. i cant do anything at all. and thats fucked!!!!! i think. sorry i am not one for curing mental illness but i really#really wish there was just a cure for depression so the people i care about could be happy and have energy and be ok#i dont want to constantly worry in the back of my head if what ill say next will lead them to going quiet and sad#or worry about how a few too many wrong moves and a hard time could push them off the edge. i know it wont happen.#but i worry about it constantly especially with the political climate#and i care for them so much and i just wish they could feel happy most of the time. just more than half is enough. more than half#gosh its gotten to the point a sertain tone of voice or someone saying their tired can make me feel bad#like bad enough i need to leave the room and go cry. everyone is alwase tired and i dont know what to do#i feel like a little kid being so sensitive by others emotions- but i cant help it. i cant help it when im surrounded#again this isnt a bash against anyone with depression. this is a bash against depression because of all the pain its given my loved ones#if i could fight depression as a just. thing i would mawl it alive. tooth and nail til all that was left was either bones. cartalige.#blood and flesh that hadent somehow made it into my stomach. and id keep it alive for a long as i could as i killed it#it would suffer 10 times the amount its made others suffer if i could. i can be a cruel bitch and i will if i ever got the chance.#and u h ya! sorry lil bit of silly moment i am just. sick of the tired. if i could id honestly never hear the phrase im tired again
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