#sry this got whiny its fine. i was annoying for crying in front of everyone NFNFJFN even tho i wasnt trying to. obviously. i hate crying in | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nomairuins · 16 days ago

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tangentially prev i literally used to get stressed out when i was a kid bc like i knew animals had different lifespans than people and id lie awake and id be like . if a deer was born in the wild at the same moment as me itd probably be dead by now . and id get so stressed out abt it

#Tanrentially related to rhis is i used to just get so stressed out as a kid bc i was like . one day there will be no more ppl born in 2005 #and there will never be New people who were born in 2005 or any other year the number only ever goes down once the years done. this was a #big fear for younger me For some reason. it was this and the like. ok. so #two things. 1. i used to just space out and truly forget i was human and be fully one with a universe and then id despair when i remembered #that i was avtually just a little girl and a real person and i existed. bc id zoom out and it all seemed so inconsequential and it was #lovely. i say 'used to' this still happens just not the same way #and rhe other thing is Id get incredibly freaked out bc id like. id be doing something like. nothing. passing time or reading or whatever #but then id have a moment of clarity and id be like. If i forget this moment tomorrow did it ever actually happen. and id think of how many #moments r just gone from my life bc i dont remember them like. that was a big fear for me as a kid was id just be sitting somewhere and id #be like. this moment is real right now because im living it but if i forget about it than it never actually happened because im not like.#being observed. its just me and if i dont remember it than it never really happened. and this happened so often that it felt like a chain of #myself thinking that exact same thought and just like. looking back and seeing all those moments Kind of thing. but anyways basically i dont #think either of those early fears and terrors have anything to do with my current day psyche so we dont need to talk abt it 👍 except that #we like. have. bc i talked abt it... but whateverrr not my business !#its kinda funny tho i remember like. trying to talk to my dad abt my like Deeply held fear that i wasnt real unless i was being observed #and his response was basically like. That sounds crazy. dont say stuff like that it makes you sound crazy . DJFNJFNGG #and then later was shocked when i didnt go to him for mental health help and its like ... well ... + just yelling at me whenever i cried in #front of him to either 'tell him why i was upset or hed guve me something to cry about'#and its like. well tbh father i dont actually want to explain that im being groomed online rn in the car with the entire family here #including The baby and the 6 year old . but ok . thats cool. and obviously id cry more from being yelled at #sry this got whiny its fine. i was annoying for crying in front of everyone NFNFJFN even tho i wasnt trying to. obviously. i hate crying in #front of ppl

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