#your experiences are very valid

[aurorasandsad-prose]

I could kill men who invalidate women's experiences. Such is my rage.

[bonefall]

the worst parent poll made me realize just how many ppl in the fandom are willing to jump straight into abuse apologia. bc on one hand you have ppl dumbing down crow's abuse to "him just being mean" and on the other end you have ppl saying that curlfeather didnt abuse frostpaw because she sacrificed herself and frost + her siblings love her so she couldnt possibly be an abuser. truly mindboggling stuff take these serious topics away from the fandom asap.

Part of me feels like it's because many in this fandom have a feeling that if a character's actions are abusive, it means you're "not allowed" to like them. Like there's an impulse where if you liked a character, it MUST mean they weren't THAT bad, because you'd personally never like "an abuser."

As if it reflects poorly on your own morality, as a person, that you connected with An Abuser. Understood them, even. Even if it was just a character.

If it's immoral to Like Abusive Characters, of course your reaction is going to end up being abuse apologia. To enjoy something isn't logical, it's emotional, so you will get defensive about it when questioned. When you do, it's not going to be based on logic because you didn't reason yourself into that position in the first place. It's an attack on you as a person.

I feel like that's often the root of abuse apologia in this fandom, and sometimes the world at large; "If I admit that this character/person IS abusive, it means I was doing something bad by liking them, so I have to prove to everyone else that they weren't or it means I'm bad too."

And to that I say... That's a BAD impulse! Grow up and admit you resonated with a character that did a bad thing! If that's an uncomfortable thought, sit with it!

Sometimes abusers are likeable! They usually DO think they're justified in their actions, or doing it for "a good reason," or were just too preoccupied to care. MOST of the time, people who commit abusive actions are also hurt or traumatized in some way. You might even empathize with them. None of this means their actions have to be excused or downplayed.

"Abusers" aren't a type of goddamn yokai, they're people just like you and me. You don't help victims of abuse by putting the people who hurt us in an "untouchable" category.

In fact, all it does is make you less likely to recognize your own controlling behavior. You're capable of abuse. People you love are capable of it, too. People who love YOU can still hurt you.

In spite of how often people regurgitate "It's Ok To Like A Character As Long As You're Critical Of Their Actions," every day it is proven to me further and further that no one who says it actually understands what that means.

All that said; I think it's no contest which one's a worse parent, imo.

They both mistreated their children, but Curlfeather did it through manipulation without verbal or physical abuse. She politically groomed her into a position of power so that she could use her as a pawn. It can be argued if this counts as child abuse-- but it's firmly still under the broad category childhood maltreatment, which is damaging.

(though anon I'm with you 100% at seeing RED when "but she sacrificed herself" is used as an excuse. Curlfeather's death does NOT CHANGE what she did to Frostpaw in life. I think it's a valid point to bring up when comparing her to another terrible parent for judgement purposes, such as in the context of this poll, but I really hate the implication that redemption deaths "make up" for maltreatment.)

Crowfeather, meanwhile, is textually responsible for putting Breezepaw through verbal AND physical abuse, as well as child neglect. His motivations include embarrassment from a hurt ego, revenge on his ex, and being sad because of a dead girlfriend. This abuse drives Breezepelt towards radicalization in the Dark Forest.

You could argue Curlfeather is a worse person for Reedwhisker's murder, but as a parent? It's not even a question to me. Crowfeather's one of the worst dads in WC.

[blakbonnet]

can I also just - so everytime I've come across a piece of Ed art where his skin is too light, I've sent an anon ask or DM to the artist - explaining very politely why they should redo the piece and the history of racism in this fandom. And every single time (except one asshole), artists have reacted well to this and understood my point, and some have even reposted the piece after correcting their mistake.

Idk that makes me happy, to have the freedom to say that and not have to deal with butthurt artists. Most people are kind, but you have to start from a place of trying to educate and idk not start a witchhunt, if you truly genuinely want them to do better.

[thepoisonroom]

'I flirted with the idea that instead of being trans that I was just a cross-dresser (a quirk, I thought, that could be quietly folded into an otherwise average life) and that my dysphoria was sexual in nature, and sexual only. And if my feelings were only sexual, then, I wondered, perhaps I wasn’t actually trans.

I had read about a book called The Man Who Would Be Queen, by a Northwestern University professor who believed that transwomen who were attracted to women were really confused fetishists, they wanted to be women to satisfy an autogynephilia. And though I first read about this book in the context of its debunkment and disparagement, I thought about the electricity of slipping on those tights, zipping up those boots, and a stream of guilt followed. Maybe this professor was right, and maybe I was only a fetishist. Not trans, just a misguided boy.

About a year later, on the Internet, I come across a transwoman who added a unique message to the crowd refuting this professor. Oh, I wish I remember who this woman was, and I wish even more that I could do better than paraphrase her, but I remember her saying something like this: “Well, of course I feel sexy putting on women’s clothing and having a woman’s body. If you feel comfortable in your body for the first time, won’t that probably mean it’ll be the first time you feel comfortable, too, with delighting in your body as a sexual thing?”'

-Casey Plett, Consciousness

[i-really-like-phrogs]

When someone else’s art is so good you physically can’t look at it because of artistic jealousy

[sleepingtimber]

It's funny to think that when I was a kid, people would say stuff like "they will grow out of it when they grow up" about younger alter/nonhumans. Because I'm an adult now and all I grew out of was hating myself for my alterhumanity. I love being alterhuman, I grew more comfortable with my identity as I got older, and I learned to love this part of me despite people thinking it was something to be outgrown or something shameful. I just think it's a little funny how wrong those people are and that I can be happy as I am while they wallow in negativity

[saturnniidae]

Trans!Hiccup later in life becoming more confident in himself and coming to terms with the fact knowing how to and doing things traditionally viewed as 'feminine' doesn't make him any less of a man my beloved.

He canonically knows how to sew. Like his attempted cover was he was 'making outfits' so why not? He definitely made his own armor, he probably makes his own clothes when he has the time. He said he wanted to he a 'bread making viking' (and yes i know it was a hasty lie but hear me out) so I'd like to think he knows at least how to bake and probably how to cook as well. And he enjoys these things and indulged in them when he's able to.

[dreamsaflame]

Man, seeing people dismiss Andor as a difficult entry point into Star Wars is so weird to me. I hadn't even watched Rogue One prior to Andor. All I knew going in was that Cassian survives the show. I had no idea who Mon or Saw were, or what was going on with the kyber crystal. The tie-fighter in ep4 came out of nowhere and scared me out of my seat because I didn't know to expect that kind of vessel. I didn't know what BBY was or why it kept showing up, what any of the separate factions Saw mentions were, or that the lack of aliens was purposeful. The only reason I knew the rebellion crest is by deduction––it clearly meant something, and this show is clearly about establishing the Rebellion.

I went into Andor completely ignorant about everything and I think that actually made me connect even more with the political commentary of the show? Like you take out the Jedi and the Force, and these are just regular people going through what we go through. I get that this takes away the "magic" of the franchise, but I think that's the whole point? You don't get to the all-guns-out part of the showdown without slogging through the exhaustion and paranoia and suffering first. And even if it's less SW-sy than other entries, Luthen getting out those lasers for the Fondor is made all the more impactful because you haven't seen anything like it so far. The lack of aliens makes the difference between Ferrix (a strong community with quite a few aliens) and the Empire itself (completely species-ist) even starker.

If you prefer more fun shows, that's completely fair, but saying Andor isn't beginner-friendly is like saying you can't enjoy Game of Thrones without being familiar with the War of the Roses. Andor doesn't hold your hand through the experience, but it does gives you everything you need to make your way through to the end. The rest of the knowledge is bonus.

[toytulini]

yall know women can also do misogyny, right? whether or not you say misogynistic shit, engage in misogynistic behavior, proliferate misogynistic policy and ideology, is not ACTUALLY dependent on YOUR gender, like, you know that, right? anyone is capable of enacting any bigotry, its just, some people may also be impacted by bigotry they perpetuate, some ppl may be more likely to know that they shouldnt engage in that shit, and be more likely to shut down that behavior where they have the power to do so? being a woman doesnt make you immune to perpetuating misogyny?

[giantkillerjack]

Uh-oh! You are like, SOOO awkward!!

You're so awkward that it is occasionally mildly uncomfortable for people!

You're so awkward that sometimes people are confused by you and then there are awkward silences!

You're so awkward ...... that ultimately no one is harmed!!

Oh damn!!! What a vile crime you have committed! What an unforgivable thing it is to make a fellow human briefly confused!

Why, if *I* were ever briefly confused and kind of uncomfortable as a result, I'd be devastated.... by the absolute net zero change in my happiness and health! - From which I might never recover!! Yes indeed! No punishment can ever be enough for you!!

So you better absolutely hate yourself for it.

Better be SO MEAN to yourself about every single missed social cue so you don't forget your horrible crime! Meaner than you'd ever dream of being to someone else for the same thing! This is YOUR responsibility!

You need to show the world that you KNOW you are bad by punishing yourself constantly! After all, think of all the people who BENEFIT from you punishing yourself! - No, really! Think about it! Think about who benefits from your pain.

Think of alllllll the definitely-good people that your definitely-necessary self-torment definitely helps! I mean, you can't just cut off their definitely-life-sustaining supply of your suffering, right?? Sure, everyone else has a breaking point, but you're probably the only person in human history who doesn't, right? Best not to question it probably. Sure, it's a symptom that billions of people with trauma have had, but who knows? You could be a one-in-seven-billion exception. Anything's possible!

Instead, better just accept that idea that bullies carry like guns in holsters - the idea that people who have trouble with social cues deserve to suffer. Better carry on the burden they placed on you until you drop. Aid the cause of the callous by enforcing shame and suffering upon yourself extra hard; try your best to do their work for them. They're very busy.

Better not recognize that you need patience and kindness to heal from your trauma. Better not find out that it was trauma rather than personal weakness filling your head with self-hating thoughts. Better not find out it wasn't your fault.

Better not find out that awkwardness is not inherently harmful or unkind, and, in fact, the people who act like it is *are the ones enacting harm and being cruel.*

Better not get righteously angry when you realize just how much unnecessary damage this has done to you. After all, if you get mad, you might realize you deserve better. You might even feel brave enough to DEMAND better! You might build boundaries that keep you safe! You might make other people think they deserve to feel safe too! And we obviously can't be having that, so...

Better not show yourself even a little kindness a little bit at a time.

Better not make a habit out of it after all that practice.

Better not get confident.

Especially if you can't first wipe out every trace of awkward. (And you probably never will. Because people who experience absolute social certainty at all times tend to be insufferable assholes that enforce the status quo. And you just don't have the stock portfolio for that.)

Better not be confident and awkward because then you might confuse and delight people

- you might accidentally end up making other people feel less shame for their social difficulties

- you might make isolated, traumatized, and shy people feel like they deserve to be included in social situations

- you might even make them feel they can be themselves around you

- you might start loving the effect you have on a room

- you might enjoy conversations more

- you might forgive yourself and bounce back from shame more easily and frequently

- you might come to enjoy some of those moments of harmless confusion you cause because NOBODY expects the Confident Awkward, and that can genuinely be an advantage in social situations

- you might stop apologizing so much.

- you might find that socializing is like a video game: it requires practice but also a safe space for it to be fun and positive.

Or if you can't become assertive and confident, better not remain awkward and shy and quiet, and then love and forgive yourself anyway!

Why, it would be carnage!!

In either scenario, you run the risk of finding out that it's not your fault that safe spaces full of kind people can be really hard to find, create, and nurture. You could end up building a skillset that helps you do those things if you're not careful!

If you start giving yourself even the tiniest amount of grace at a time, you will find that you've accessed a gateway drug with extreme long-term side effects:

- You might realize that it was never your fault that it took so long to like yourself.

- You might realize that you were always worth talking to, even when you didn't like yourself and communication felt impossibly difficult.

- You might realize that you'll still be worth talking to even if communication becomes harder as you age and/or experience disability.

- You might come to know that you deserve to be heard even on bad days when words come slow and blurry.

You might discover that you were always deserving of kindness, first and foremost from yourself.

So. As you can see, it's FAR too much of a risk to start granting your awkward self free pardons for your many heinous and harmless crimes. Better to just leave it there.

[moonilit]

sometimes reading Kory’s talk about love and how her culture normalizes poly relationships and love is separate from marriage as in yeah sometimes you marry for politics but doesn’t mean you ‘love’ that other person or they you and thats OK is so weird because, you don’t even need to go to space for that?? Its already somewhere on earth??

[the-moogle-of-your-nightmares]

one thing i really deeply wish is that i'd had access as a kid to the plural community and information that are more easily available today, instead of my first experience with plural community which both took it seriously and was nonjudgmental having been 10's era tul/pa.info lmao

[shiningstarr15]

Alright I’ve seen enough takes on this and while I understand everyone’s viewpoint and validate it I want to give mine bc mine is probably a very niche perspective.

When it comes to the relationship between Gregory and Vanessa, I do view them as siblings. And no not in the umbrella way, not in the “this is the only thing that makes the most sense” sort of way, I mean they have sibling energy period. And I’ll tell you why.

Bc I do not view them as being immediate found family. At all. They have too much trauma both independently and with each other. I don’t even think they’d like each other very much at first. I feel like their initial relationship would be more of a ”you saved me so I’ll return the favor by helping you out” way.

Personally. I don’t think relationships with strong bonds should immediately go into something romantic or familial (maybe it’s cuz I’m raging aroace and very platonic/queerplatonic bc I know that’s an unpopular opinion) but in my eyes, you NEED TO BUILD A FRIENDSHIP FIRST. and I think that’s exactly what they’re gonna do.

They’re gonna slowly and gradually form a friendship, one that most people would think is strange and unusual bc it’s an adult and a child but let’s be fr neither of them are what you’d consider “typical” (yes I personally hc them both being ND. Again, this is my opinion). I also don’t think they don’t really give af what people think. So why would they bother putting a label that they don’t really agree with on them? No imo they won’t do that unless they truly do mean it.

Again, this could very well be projecting. But I am personally someone that doesn’t like being given a “sister” label unless it’s actually meant. Maybe it’s my extreme sibling complex. But I don’t think I’m wrong for feeling that way. And imo, I think overtime they would view each other in the way best friends view each other as siblings. I don’t even think there would even need to be anything legal. But if there was, she would be a legal guardian at best. Bc it still gives the freedom to identify how they choose. And to me, it’s very similar to Lilo and Nani from “Lilo and Stitch.”

Bc I think two things can be true at the same time. Vanessa can be a caregiver, and have some responsibilities when it comes to making sure Gregory is ok and kept safe. But also, she herself needs someone to take care of her. Bc she can’t. And while I do like the idea of Freddy taking care of them both, I also like them taking care of each other.

She definitely has aspects that could be seen as maternal, but I don’t view her as essentially parental. She simply isn’t ready. There’s too much trauma and a bit of emotional immaturity (again not a bad thing, she’s very childlike imo). I think she sees him more equal than that. Not someone that is helpless and needs to be watched 24/7. But someone that needs a little guidance every now and then. And that’s where I think looking up to her in an older sibling kinda way comes in.

She’s like a combined playmate and caregiver. An equal partner but also someone that takes on the worst of the burden so he doesn’t have to. Even though he will do so anyway bc he cares that much about her.

So yea, that’s my take on their relationship. Again, it’s just my opinion, and I understand people not agreeing and wanting something else for them. But this is how I choose to view them, and I don’t think that it’s wrong ❤️

[pshiftcultureis]

Pshifter culture is getting the most interaction from the community from anon stuff like this blog because the wider the community hates you for whatever reasons

.

[woodswake]

sometimes i think, in marginalized communities (maybe especially disability communities) people fall into a trap of viewing things as... not exactly a competition, but resenting others who are also suffering because they are suffering less, or suffering differently

and that experience itself is very common to have happen, and nothing is wrong about feeling that way! we can all be a little mean and petty in private sometimes as a treat

i think though it causes problems when people take that feeling and extrapolate it out to "and therefore the other people aren't really suffering at all"/"and therefore the other people shouldn't get to complain at all"

like, to me there is a big difference between "hey, you know you are relatively privileged in (not appearing visibly disabled/being nd but having been labelled gifted/being read as white or straight or cis/being trans but not transfem/etc. etc.)" - which is true and an important reminder!!

and "how dare you complain about the experiences you had with that version of being marginalized" or dismissing that there might be particular unique aspects of that aspect of being marginalized that make things difficult

like, i would never argue that as someone who is non-aligned nb and read as a cis woman, i am MORE marginalized than a transfem person who doesn't "pass". but i would say it is reasonable for me to point out frustrations and hardships about that position - both those we have in common (e.g. people equating sex and gender) and those that are unique to my situation (feeling invisibilized by binarist phrasing/thinking, frustration with knowing that even if i had infinite money and resources i could never be read by default as my real gender, etc.)

[braceletofteeth]

If you want to be happy, I hope it comes true.

I hope you will be happy too.