#you are not batman

[jkriordanverse]

I once again have to remind all of you sleep deprived mfs to GO. TO. FUCKING. SLEEP. YOU. ARE. NOT. BATMAN.

@finnslay @isthataraccoon @inmyheaddd (you three are the only one ik so far who does not have a proper sleep schedule) + ALL MY MOOTS + EVERYONE ON TUMBLR + EVERYONE IN THE WORLD

[jacocoon]

I forgive you Joker, U are a good boy

[bats-and-the-birds]

Situation where Clark has formed a tentative working relationship with Batman, but somewhere in that time, Batman acquired Robin and, naturally, didn't tell him.

Clark finds out about Robin's existence when a ten year old Dick Grayson in full Robin gear breaks into his apartment at two in the morning and shakes him awake because Batman's missing and Alfred's away and Bruce taught him that, in the case of emergency, Superman was one of the only people he could trust. Bruce just didn't think to tell Clark that he was, by all means, his son's emergency contact.

Clark: -wakes up to a small boy that he's never seen or heard of before in a cape and a mask with lenses that reflect light like a cat's perched on the edge of his bed in a pitch black room-

Dick, calmly: Hey, Batman's -- stop screaming -- Batman's missing. I need help.

[gothamitee]

What will you be tonight? That’s the question

[dragonpyre]

Au where Jason is under the impression Talia told Bruce Jason was alive and just moves back to Gotham to get back to the life he missed. GED, college, part time job, etc. Runs into one of the bats at a coffee shop one day and is confused why they just fainted

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[arunneronthird]

he will use every chance he gets to be a drama queen and if he doesnt have one he will create one

[emotional-piece-of-meat]

Duke spent all his childhood and most of his teenage years in a middle class family, so I like to think that he carried these habits into his rich life as well.

Example 1:

Duke: who the fuck is wasting our water? Do you know how expensive the bill will be next month?

Tim: Do you know that even if we had opened all the taps in the manor, Bruce would still have no problem paying for them for at least the next ninety years?

Duke, closing the faucet: yeah, what's your point?

Example 2:

Duke: It's literally a rip-off! Six dollars for a fucking yogourt?! Nah, let's go Cass, bet I can find an analog for three.

Cass, handing him the hundred dollar bill that Bruce gave them to buy two yogourts (he didn't know the price and just hoped that it was enough): ?

Duke, dragging her out of the store: It's a principle now, let's go.

Example 3:

Dick, accidentally dropping his phone: oopsie-

Duke, without thinking: of course, go on and break it. We are all billionaires here, aren't we?

Dick, pretty much confused: well, technically…

Duke: I see you, victim of capitalism.

He also constantly turns off the lights when someone leaves the room for more than 0,5 seconds, because it pisses him off.

[p0isonives]

conner kent has INCREDIBLE self control, cause if i came back from being dead to find out Tim Drake tried to clone me 99 times because he missed me so much, i’d immediately make him my bride

[ravenlilyrose]

Bruce is at a gala, okay, and he’s talking to a woman.

Random woman: “And we found out that we’re having another child!”

Bruce: *absolutely cackling inside, because this is about to be the funniest thing he’s done in weeks*

Brucie: “That’s wonderful! Where are they? Can I meet them? How old are they?”

Now Brucie is standing there, scanning the room for children with a huge grin on his face, while all of the random rich people stand around like ‘who’s going to explain to the adorable, well-meaning idiot that most people know they’re going to have children a few months before the children are born.’

And worse, who’s going to have to break the news to him that he can’t meet the kid today?

Because this man… this man has acquired all of his children with zero premeditation. Yes, he does have a bio kid, but that one showed up on his doorstep as a preteen. He did even less acquiring with that one than with the others.

Bruce has a blast acting out his disappointment, and has to turn some so that he can no longer see Tim and Cass leaning against each other and laughing, because otherwise he’s going to start laughing.

[spocks-husband]

In Bruce's phone, he keeps the contact photos for all his kids as their baby pictures (or the closest approximation that he has).

Dick's is a photo of him when he'd first designed his Robin costumes, smiling ear to ear as he proudly showed off his first hand-sewn prototype.

Jason's is a picture Alfred got of the boy sitting on Bruce's shoulders while they went over a case.

Tim is him fast asleep in the middle of taking notes on his first real mission (he wanted to impress Bruce really bad).

Damian is a polaroid he got from Talia of him when he was about a year old, teething on a mango seed as he sat on the floor of his mother's room.

Cass is entirely blacked out except for her big bright eyes that can be seen in the darkness-- Bruce thinks it's the cutest photo ever.

Even Babs has hers set to a photo of her with her first computer, grinning happy as she probably hacked into a federal database somewhere. He got that photo from Jim.

Likewise, of course, Alfred's (very bareboned) smartphone that he barely uses has Bruce's contact set with a photo of him playing in the snow as a little boy.

[bruciemilf]

Batman isn’t a mask; It’s a leash. In this essay I will—

[psychemochanight]

Dick is used to doing everything on the move, so he doesn't even notice that his behavior is not "normal".

When his mom was teaching him history, he was hanging upside down from the trapeze, trying to do a new routine.

When his dad was teaching him math, he was calculating the angles of his jumps and spins in the air.

Language? He practiced a new language on the trapeze with his parents, associating new words with the routines. If he made a mistake (either with routine or with language), they would start over so he could learn correctly.

He likes to read, but not while sitting. He usually reads while hanging upside down or swinging.

When Bruce receives the same message from his teachers for the fifth time in a row, saying that his son ward is "brilliant, a genius, but lazy", Bruce doesn't understand, since Dick always has his schoolwork done. How could he be lazy?

That is until he discovers that nine-year-old Dick is doing his homework while doing six other things at once, including practicing jumping routines, learning a new language and also planning a strategy to contain the Penguin.

Bruce: Chum, you have ADHD.

Dick: Why do you think that? *he says while hanging from the chandelier, with a math book in one hand and a device he just built that only he knows what it does in the other hand, until a second ago singing a song in a language Bruce didn't even know the little boy could speak*

[redsray]

the funniest part of any Robin meeting the JL is that every Robin is so distinctly different from the previous one in terms of personality and vibes that the league literally gets backlash. and like, I don't blame them. not to mention that they are non-meta children that dress as a traffic light and fight crime alongside batman in gotham on a nightly basis. i'd also be a bit concerned. Batman, literally The Night of Gotham personified in the League's eyes, coming into a JL meeting: This is Robin, my crime-fighting partner. 11-year-old Dick Grayson, dressed in the brightest primary colours possible, vaguely hidden murder behind those eyes, never stops moving even for a moment: Hi! Superman: That's a child. That's-- Bats that is a child. You let a child--? Batman, deadpan: You try to stop him. Would you rather he try and murder a grown man with a wire?

Batman: This is Robin. 12-year-old Jason Todd, with the biggest grin on his face, about 3 books in his hand, stars in his eyes and a distinct street-kid drawl: Hey!!! Green Lantern: That's ... that's a different child. What?? Jason: I stole his tires :) Batman: Tried to. Jason, stage whispering to the League: basically did. Green Lantern: that is a different kid, right?? I'm not seeing shit??

Batman: This is Robin. 14-year-old Tim Drake, bo staff clutched in his hand, a wary and tired expression on his face, more on the quiet side, the literal walking definition of don't judge a book by it's cover: hello Flash: Where do you even find these-- Tim: I found myself.

Batman: This is Robin. 17-year-old Stephanie Brown, literally blonde, with a shit-eating grin, eyes full of nothing but mischief and the most explosive personality you've ever seen: hiya!! Superman: I give up. Stephanie: I know, I have that amazing effect on people.

Batman: This is Robin. 13-year-old Damian Wayne, a literal wet cat that will hiss at you, has a sword, the most judgemental stare you'll get from a teenager, ready to jump anyone there: Green Lantern: WHY DOES HE HAVE A SWORD?! Batman: ... he came with the sword.

[thisiswhereikeepdcthings]

Justice League identity reveal where they don’t know who Batman is and one day a bunch of them walk in on him just casually eating yogurt in the cafeteria with his cowl off. A bunch of them recognize him, a couple don’t, and they’re all shocked.

Turns out Batman didn’t realize none of them knew who he was, since it had taken him all of ten minutes and three google searches to put everyone’s secret identities together and he just assumed they had all figured it out by this point. Or maybe he had meant to tell them and then just forgotten. Either way, he regularly interacts with half of them outside of hero stuff and hasn’t bothered with the whole separate persona thing with them in years. Shouldn’t they really have figured this out by now? So what if he forgot? This is clearly on them.

[dragonpyre]

Goonion rule #14. If given the chance; always fuck with Batman