#why isn’t this my real life
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thinking abt haechan being so dirty while fucking you this fine evening… 👤
i think he’d be so desperate to cum, not caring about the trail of wet kisses he leaves all over your upper body as he pounds into you. you can feel how your slick sticks to his thighs, how your slick gushes out your tight hole and around his cock.
“pretty baby,” he mumbles into your neck, “so fucking wet… my baby’s getting so dumb just by my cock.”
it’s true, you think. your mind filled with only thoughts of him as he thrusts into your wet hole. you can feel him panting into the junction of your neck, his whines harshly ringing in your ears.
one hand slips to your boob, wet from how he was fixated on kissing and marking your chest earlier. he squeezes, fingers teasing your hard nipple. his other hand finds your clit, messily rubbing at the wet nub as you moan out to him.
“hmm? need more? my baby needs more?”
you nod at him, drool slipping past your lips. he moves to look at you, his tongue reaching out to lick at your face, moaning out at your taste. he can feel you clench harshly around him, “gonna cum for me? cum for me so i can give what you want so bad.”
you whine out, the feeling of him being so close to you and the messiness of it all getting to your head as you cum around his cock. you can feel him twitching inside of you, and as much as you’d like him to stay inside of you, he pulls out.
he moves his body up over your chest, jerking himself off to the pretty sight of your face. you open your mouth for him as he cums all over you, marking you in such an intimate way. he moans out at the sight, his body buzzing with desire.
he moves to lick his own cum off of you, feeling his tongue move across your face. he then kisses you, and you can taste him on his tongue. you whine into the kiss, and he chuckles against you.
“god, you’d just let me do anything to you.”
#vals hard hours#haechan hard hours#haechan smut#nct smut#what just happened to me#why isn’t this my real life#GODDD PLEASE HES SOOOOOO#need him need him
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as a native chinese, i feel like some of yall are taking the gods in lego monkie kid a bit too seriously. i understand why it feels iffy to ship / make silly content of deities that people worship irl (eg. nezha, sun wukong) but it’s a phenomenon on chinese social media too. c-netizens ship the fictionalized versions of these gods, which the gods of lego monkie kid are. they aren’t the actual gods people worship; they’re slightly tweaked versions of the book characters, just like any other chinese adaptation or retelling of jttw (and such stories like fsyy) also, no, nezha isn’t a child, in lmk or jttw or sometimes irl. just because he’s often depicted in child form doesn’t make him an immortal child. eros / cupid is often depicted as a winged baby, and he has a wife and kids. it’s basically the same thing here. nothing in lmk suggests that nezha is a child (his voice, his appearance, his personality etc. all imply he is an adult), and while he’s described as youthful in jttw, he’s already 1700+ years old by then and gods can shapeshift. people only think he’s an immortal baby because that’s a popular depiction of him, since one of his prominent myths is set during his childhood. but as long as you’re talking about the god nezha (fictionalized or the religious figure) and not the human child nezha, then that’s an adult [edit: the last sentence couldve been worded better. i would summarize it as “immortal youth nezha is a valid depiction and is popularized by mythology, but adult god nezha exists too and they are NOT mutually exclusive”]
#i’m not even here for shipping discourse ie. “you can’t ship nezha w anyone cuz he’s a child!”#i dont ship him with anyone that’s never been my focus#i just dislike misinformation#if you understand that cupid and eros are adult gods despite often being depicted as babies then why don’t you understand this#and in case i need to clarify i hate pr*sh*pping i dont support it#the fact is that any lmk nezha ship simply isn’t a pr*sh*p because he’s a full grown man#never once in the show does he act or sound like a child so why is this such a widespread belief??#i’d get it if the show was about him as a child going on his killing spree#but lmk is clearly set millennia after that#also abt the “dont ship deities” thing i understand seeing non-cn fans treat chinese gods like fairytale characters is frustrating#but to me since lmk characters aren’t very accurate to their real life religious counterparts they are not the same ppl#like i see swk fanart and think “swk the lmk character” and not “swk the daoist god” yknow#but that’s only my opinion i wont say i’m totally right i won’t argue if you’re daoist or buddhist and find it offensive#lego monkie kid#lmk#jttw#journey to the west#lmk nezha#lmk swk#lmk sun wukong#age discourse#immortal child depictions of nezha do exist that doesn’t mean the god is always a child#and in FICTION. yknow SHOWS and STORIES. not worship. if the story says he’s an adult then that’s what he is#so like. statue of baby nezha = baby#statue of adult nezha = adult. it does not mean every single depiction of nezha is a child#don’t generalize things and do not infantalize him
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just finished shido’s palace in persona 5…………..devastated beyond repair
#the fact that your confidant maxes out with akechi in the final moments of his life#as you tell him you kept his glove and his word#“i was such a fool” top 10 most gut wrenching last words right alongside sayaka miki’s#characters of justice…..characters who pursue their own blind justice and get corrupted along the way……..#you have my heart#the va delivered like the rent was DUE#watching him slowly break down as his sanity chipped away bit by bit in real time was so fucking heartbreaking#“why does someone like you have things i don’t?” stop it before i cry really hard (i did cry very hard)#miserably failed in not crying#if he isn’t alive i’m going to fucking end it all i KNOW he’s alive it couldn’t have ended like this (<- delusion)#p5
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Amy Dunne Character Analysis
Disclaimer
This analysis will be of Amy’s character from both the book and the movie, although the 2014 movie adaption takes greater precedence with only some additional details and quotes included from the book as it does delve deeper into Amy’s psyche and add further characterization. Thus some traits may be accentuated further than they are in the movie, not being completely faithful to either story. It’s an analysis of Amy in her totality across mediums, of course being entirely my opinion. There are of course adaptational differences but I will not include the major ones from the books (ex. her relationship with Hillary Hand). This is an analysis focusing primarily on Amy’s neuroses she demonstrates and the childhood links to them, it doesn’t cover in-depth the events nor themes of Gone Girl.
Amy Elliott Dunne, the ever enigmatic dual protagonist- antagonist of Gone Girl is one of the most iconic female villains in modern memory, and one of the paragons of the “good for her” trope in media, is, frankly, one of my favorite characters of all time. As such I have been dying to write a full analysis examining her neuroses and characterization. Beneath the cultural perception of just another “crazy psycho” for girls to claim “she did no wrong” or “she just like me fr!”, lies a fascinating character who is masterfully written and developed by Gillian Flynn, as well as perfectly portrayed by Rosamund Pike. Amy Dunne is a character with a deep, complex psychology that I will do my best to thoroughly explore in this analysis.
From Amy’s childhood we first see the emergence of a literal high ego ideal, Amazing Amy. Of course this is the children’s book series created by her parents with a fictionalized version of Amy being the eponymous protagonist. This was a version of herself that rectified her own personal failures. Amazing Amy became a prodigy at cello, when Amy quit at 10, Amazing Amy made varsity volleyball, Amy got cut freshman year. Even in the (at time) final book in the series, Amazing Amy got married, a task Amy had not yet done. The entire book series revolved around Amy always making the most virtuous, the most selfless, the most perfect decisions.
>”With me, regular, flawed, real Amy, jealous, as always, of the golden child.”
An interesting detail in the book that is omitted from the movie is Marybeth’s numerous miscarriages and stillbirths (which totaled 7). All of these girls were named Hope, until Amy was born. Amy expresses her jealousy towards them, as they were always seen as perfect without ever living; meanwhile Amy herself has to live life everyday knowing that she will never truly live up to the Hopes. That she has to try everyday to be the best she can be. Her very birth was mired in the expectation of a perfect child; given that she was practically a gift from the heavens to her parents.
This sets up Amy’s perfectionism, as the childhood experience of never living up to a projected ideal led her to want to be perfect (and as we’ll later see, the expectation that everyone else is too), to live life always through the gaze of another. Evidently this leads to a loss of one’s inner essence, one’s individuality and sense of self.
>“-I’d never really felt like a person, because I was always a product” (Book Quote)
Amy’s obsession with personas can be seen as emerging from this, as she adapts a personality depending on who she’s interacting with, as to always be the most appealing she can, she is Amazing Amy after all.
>”I’m not sure, exactly, how to be Dead Amy. I’m trying to figure out what that means for me, what I become for the next few months. Anyone, I suppose, except people I’ve already been: Amazing Amy. Preppy ’80s Girl. Ultimate-Frisbee Granola and Blushing Ingenue and Witty Hepburnian Sophisticate. Brainy Ironic Girl and Boho Babe (the latest version of Frisbee Granola). Cool Girl and Loved Wife and Unloved Wife and Vengeful Scorned Wife. Diary Amy.” (Book Quote)
This general attitude leads to people trying to impress her as she places herself as someone special and especially someone to keep around. She entices both the characters and viewers of the film through her manufactured charisma and enchantment. However, we’ll see this dramatically backfire in her relationship with Nick, just you wait!
For now we can focus on the beginning of their relationship as well as what I believe to be Amy’s view on romance.
I believe that Amy has an impossibly high standard of love, one that stems from her perfectionism and general inability to let down her guise of being amazing. Not to mention how her parents were a perfect match, Amy even referring to them as soul-mates.
>”They have no harsh edges with each other, no spiny conflicts, they ride through life like conjoined jellyfish—expanding and contracting instinctively, filling each other’s spaces liquidly. Making it look easy, the soul-mate thing.” (Book Quote)
In her childhood it’s implied that she was into romance novels, specifically Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, which obviously contributes to the idealization of romance, of a literal scripted love.
>”You were an alienated teen and only Elizabeth Bennet understood you”
I think this little quote is incredibly indicative; it establishes a sense of alienation, of Amy never quite fitting in and blending with others.
>”So many lessons and opportunities and advantages, and they never taught me how to be happy. I remember always being baffled by other children. I would be at a birthday party and watch the other kids giggling and making faces, and I would try to do that too, but I wouldn’t understand why. I would sit there with the tight elastic thread of the birthday hat parting the pudge of my underchin, with the grainy frosting of the cake bluing my teeth, and I would try to figure out why it was fun.” (Book Quote)
Back to the topic of romance, through these stories it allowed her to imagine her perfect romance: if Amy could find that one person that truly understood her, beyond the illusion, that then would constitute a perfect union of love. She does deep down (whether consciously or not) want to be loved for who she is; not the idealized, palatable, literal marketed version of herself. Thus she holds trust as a premium, expecting that if she does the Herculean task of unspooling and revealing herself to another, that the other person would love her no matter what.
>”Can you imagine, finally showing your true self to your spouse, your soul mate, and having him not like you?” (Book Quote)
However all of this culminates in an impossibly high standard of a lover, of a practically divine mythical love; where one loves totally and absolutely. Of course where this neurosis is most demonstrated is in Nick and Amy’s relationship.
Amy comments that after meeting Nick she finally felt like a person as he brought out a side of herself that hadn’t been seen, in her own words “a lightness and an ease”, something that Amy enjoyed. In her eyes they had the perfect relationship in the beginning, Nick was her compliment with the witty banter, with their inside jokes, and charm.
However this doesn’t just vanquish her childhood neuroses, through her desire to be seen as perfect, she modifies herself to be a “cool girl” for Nick, complying endlessly to standards to maintain this perception.
>” When I met Nick Dunne, I knew he wanted a cool girl and for him, I’ll admit, I was willing to try.”
Amy essentially became Nick’s image of a perfect girl, witty, fun, and most of all easy-going and forgiving.
Yet one cannot live forever in images and ideas; and as such, the real, true Amy emerged. The Amy that cares too much, that’s hard to get along with, that is a controlling perfectionist. She also tests Nick through the treasure hunts, weaving in little details about their relationship as to challenge Nick and hope that he remembers the things they do together as deeply as she does. Combined with the 2008 recession and declining health of Nick’s mother (the consequences of which will be explored later). As well as Nick’s growing dissatisfaction in the relationship (evidenced by his worsening performances in the treasure hunts, the cheating, using her for sex and ignoring her otherwise, etc). The illusion both Nick and Amy were living in crumbled; they couldn’t possibly sustain their relationship as they were both striving to fulfill reciprocating images for the other.
One of the biggest parts of her character is Amy’s elitism and entitlement, in which she thinks of herself as someone superior, someone that deserves to be loved absolutely for who she is, although only to people she considers worthy.
>”She’s easy to like. I’ve never understood why that’s considered a compliment—that just anyone could like you.” (Book Quote)
Once again this stems from her childhood, in a seemingly contradictory way, she also sees herself as special for being the one that survived from her mother’s attempts, as well as the fact that her birth was so tumultuous that she would be an only child. From this also stems her entitlement for love.
Amy actively looks down upon women she considers “average”, whom she sees as coming from mediocrity and continuously perpetuating that in their lives. She scoffs at them with her wealthy parents and NYC background until her marriage with Nick crumbles. Only then does she realize that she’s become the very woman she would previously disdain. A woman with a failing marriage, the loss of her previous wealth following the recession, and moving to a failed development in Missouri (What the hell’s in Missouri?) for Nick’s mother.
I truly believe this, combined with Nick’s infidelity, and most importantly the loss of her idyllic love culminated in the iconic Gone Girl plan.
>”Nick took and took from me until I no longer existed, that’s murder. Let the punishment fit the crime”.
Nick took Amy’s identity, her sense of self that she so generously revealed to him and rejected her. Implying that she would only be loved if played the role of the “cool girl”; stripping her of who she really was, losing herself in yet another persona. Although Amy admits she doesn’t really have a personality and lives through personas, she still has a semblance of self that she holds dear.
>”-made me realize that there was a Real Amy in there, and she was so much better, more interesting and complicated and challenging, than Cool Amy”. (Book Quote)
Worse yet, Nick had cheated on her with a “newer, younger, bouncer Cool Girl”, leaving Amy in the dust, surely damaging her pride.
But Amy truly fell in love with her idealized version of Nick, believing that she was responsible for shaping that version of Nick. That she deserved that man in his entirety, of course what gets Amy to come back to Nick is the Sharon Scheiber interview, in which he promises to make up with Amy in just the way that makes her think that Nick is the one person who gets her. He makes the little references to their inside jokes (2 fingers on the chin when they’re not bullshitting the other) and a reference to the end of the treasure hunt (always a contentious issue in their relationship). She’s reminded of who he was, that he was once perfect for her, who else could know how to appeal to her heart in just the right way? With the same passion and conviction she reverses the judgment on Nick, clawing her way back to him. She does so in an especially brutal manner, slashing Desi’s throat with a boxcutter right after he climaxes. Putting aside my enormous personal bias against Desi, he was technically an innocent man, taking a great risk in sheltering Amy. However it’s clear that Amy sees him as merely an asset and something to be disposed of once he serves his value, as another prop in her ever evolving masterplan; she did string him along for years through their letter correspondences. He was just another casualty in Amy’s search for idyllic love. She comes back dramatically, literally falling into Nick’s arms while still covered in Desi’s blood like a dress; fabricating an elaborate story about a love obsessed former boyfriend kidnapping and violating her. Despite the glaring holes in her whole story (If Amy’s marriage was as bad as she made it out to be, why did she go back to Nick so easily? How did she get access to a knife and kill him so seamlessly? Why didn’t Amy do anything when she discovered the stuff in Margo’s shed? etc), law enforcement, media, and the public all fully believe it, infatuated with the persona and narrative that Amy’s created for herself. In the end she traps Nick into the marriage and eventually, the family. The last shot of the film is a haunting recall to the beginning shot of the film, as Amy has both revealed and secured herself to be the master of the narrative, finally obtaining her perfect love, no matter what the cost may have been.
Conclusion
Through a constant demand in Amy’s childhood emerges a need for perfection, simultaneously bringing about a sense of superiority and entitlement. The use of personas and façades facilitate this, painting Amy as the most amazing cool girl for whomever she’s performing for, to feed her need to be seen as perfect and desirable. Yet there emerges a psychological detachment from others; as the need to perform inevitably leads to an internal hollowness. However underneath all these layers there also lies the true Amy who has the deep unconscious desire of wanting to be loved absolutely, to have a perfect union of love where she can reveal herself fully and be loved for who she is truly.
>disclaimer for tumblr lol, this is not me trying to claim Amy was innocent I am fully aware that she’s a terribly entitled and narcissistic person but she can still be complex and have relatable desires & be a person even if she’s massively fucked up!!
#amy dunne#gone girl#gillian flynn#I love Amy Dunne so much#my little meow meow#analysis#character analysis#final draft of the analysis me thinks!!#unless I rewrite the conclusion which is very likely :P#I want to write one comparing the book to the movie#and speak on those said adaptional differences#my gone girl brainrot is terminal#(no I never referenced her typology in this whatttttt…..)#this doesn’t have much commentary into real life stuff (I am e5 ni base I can’t speak on such matters)#this is just a -why Amy is fucked up and the way she is- analysis#Also I don’t care if Amy isn’t actually that much of a she just like me fr character. I’ve said it okay and I’m a teenage girl (checkmate)#also b4 anyone comes for me & is like Amy literally says she doesn't believe in unconditional love#so then y would she crave it/doesn't that disprove ur point#well 1. she's unreliable as FUCK 2. note my use of unconscious!!#also fun fact. in one of the first drafts of the novel#her parents were (quote unquote) relationship experts that focused the idea of a perfect couple (another quote unquote)#& wrote a book called the undivided child: how to raise a perfectly whole being#which is just. lmao#the excerpts from that early draft r so fascinating
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Y’all don’t understand like…all I can do is think of hades and rina all I can do is talk about Hadina, all I can do is eat sleep and breathe in their relationship and the love they feel for each other like y’all don’t understand
(I’m bout the cry yall.. why can’t they be canon 😿 and why can’t hades be real)
#disney villains#disney hades#I’ve literally been posting all day but still#I need something to do#Hercules hades#hercules 1997#Hercules oc#hades Hercules#I need to get a life#but what is a 15 year old that most likely has autism to do??#yea…having internet access was not a good idea 💀#oc x canon#self ship rambles#self ship#poc selfshipper#bipoc selfship#💙hadina⭐️#🖇pumpkinzz bs selfships💗#😿 why isn’t be real#i 💙 blue men#WHY CANT THE BLUE MEN IN MY LIFE BE REAL TF#YALL IM ACTUALLY ABOUT TO CRY FR#OVER SOME FICTIONAL BLUE ASS CHARACTER#WHAT AM I DOING
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what if at the end of the hunger games Katniss Everdeen says “Katniss Everdeen, what a joke,” and cuts and bleaches her hair in President Snows honour
#bazinga#what a joke#Yeah I took my own shot at the peacemaker Twitter meme#And no I didn’t used a young Sheldon version#It was the first one I found#what if young sheldon in the finale of his show says throws his dc shirts away#and became overweight in his dad's honor#And why did I post it on tumblr??#Bc I can do theses hashtag things#Also HIIIIII RIVER#I’m willing talking about your hyperfixation#AREN’T YOU HAPPY????!!!/sar#I’m partially basing this off of some certain real life events#Ik she isn’t Katniss but she played her and is associated with her#I wanna extend these hashtags lmao#Peacemaker#Peacemaker what a joke#the hunger games#katniss everdeen#president snow#twitter#prepare to be harassed with more stuff like this when I think of it#Byeeeeeeeeee
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Little chat before I close my eyes:
My next request is dbf!Miguel (hi snails doodles!) and I got really nervous about it mostly because I have daddy issues and was internalizing it BUT! I saw @mybvalentine 's dbf!Mig series and now I am both inspired and healed.
#lauro yabber 🗣️#miguel o’hara x reader#dbf!miguel#i’ve started writing it already btw#i still haven’t looked up dance terms#i haven’t taken ballet in YEARS#but I play piano so I can pull from real life 😈#the request scared me at first because i was like eugh I would never get with my dbf#but then I thought well what if he was miguel….#SOLD#mybv really helped A LOT THO#those fics were hot and I need to reblog them with comments#like please reassure me while you’re in my [SIRENS]#but when you think about it…isn’t daddy issues why I like mig so much?#NAHHH!!! 😭#ok like 5% of the reason#i also want him to bend me in half#ok goodnight y’all 😭
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the thing about taking advice from anyone on tiktok or instagram including catholic and christian type influencers, parenting advice, relationship advice, etc, or internalizing any stories of horrible relationships and betrayal people tell on those platforms, or reading about all the ways interpersonal relationships can end horribly and be cycled through extremely quickly on those platforms is that you are necessarily then consuming the thoughts and experiences of someone who is willing to put their face and name on a public social media platform to talk at you. and like 1% of those people have a good reason for doing so and the other 99% are completely unhinged. so everything you’re consuming has first gone through the filter of "is this person weird and insane enough to make Instagram reels of themselves crying?" and if the answer is yes maybe their advice doesn’t apply to your life because you’re a normal person who would not do that.
#i don’t know if this makes sense but it’s something i was thinking about today#not that i really live my life according to Instagram reel advice but as a human being when i see something stated as fact i naturally seek#out the parts of it I believe or compare it to my current worldview#and when that person seems to have a lot of “clout” for discussing spiritual things….idk sometimes I’m like wait is this true? should i#believe this? and other times I’m like well is this a real pattern of behavior that can be observed in many people from different walks of#life including my own? this thing that all men do or all women do or the way all couples will eventually behave#this makes it sound like i am constantly on social media consuming hours of content which im really not#I’ll be on a train and scroll a little bit and something gets stuck in my craw#but with me I’m always like am i rationalizing this away because i don’t want it to resonate?#and I think in the case of anything on social media the answer can almost always be no#because im like wait. why would i take advice from someone who has a public Instagram account#im not saying a stopped clock isn’t right twice a day but really how much of my perspective and life experiences can they share in#when we have this totally totally mismatched worldview#(i mean this also applies to basically anyone offering any type of life advice who isn’t catholic about that)#(but when they are Catholics doing this that gives me slightly more pause for obvious reasons I’m like we are on the same team though?)#(and we are but only kind of and i do not have to listen to you because being an Instagram influencer is still cringe in 99% of cases.)
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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This might be too niche for the non Afro Latinos but miles reaction to Miguel rejecting him wasn’t just about the spider thing and I felt it when Miles called him Tío and got that reaction.
#I can’t articulate it well#but as an Afro Latino#miguel and Jessica upholding the system that miles isn’t being allowed into speaks to me#the ease with which peter and Gwen agreed to their plan spoke to me#Margo and Hobie being the main ones helping him SPOKE TO ME#astv spoilers#ALSO IM NOT SSYING MIGUEL IS RACIST#im saying that the parallels are paralleling#mfs who can see Spiderverse as a coming out arc but wanna act confused Abt this pls s#and i wanna make my thoughts clear like I don’t think Miguel Gwen or Peter are racist or meant to be#like my point is that they fit that narrative role in the story when u relate it to real life#for example rio obviously thinks whatveer miles is going through is race related#that’s why she makes that speech#so following that narrative#Miguel Gwen and Peter fill specific roles there#so do Morgan and hobie#pls pls pls don’t be scared of the word racist and use critical thought here#im not saying it’s them actually being racist like duh#but im saying that It is very relatable and I personally believe that it’s intentional
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thinking about killing eve again. thinking about eve. and her inhabitions and how she was so repressed and unfulfilled and her only true escape from that was her extensive research into female assassins and through that and getting fired and then rehired she meets villanelle and they basically bring out the worst in each other obvi but that’s also kinda their best selves because all villanelle wants is to be understood and that’s also what eve wants but she denies and denies and denies and she basically keeps denying everything until it’s too late and she’s left alone, again, screaming out in the water.
#like this shit is tragic IF ONLY IT WAS WELL WRITTEN. my god#i haven’t even rewatched this show ever since the last episode aired how do i have all of this just stored away in my brain#eve is such a wasted character because she’s literally so interesting#and then they just kinda fuck it up because they couldn’t really commit to her and her desires#which is also reflected in the show through her character bc she denies and denies and denies until it’s too late#too late being villanelle ending up dead and villanelle was basically the personification of all of eve’s dark desires#like villanelle kinda fucked up her life and killed her best friend and hurt so many of the people eve loved#and eve still was in her orbit because. BECAUSE!!!!!#i’m literally ranting right now and i don’t even know why#like i could go on and on but none of u wanna hear that#like eve is alone in a mental sense in the start and she’s alone in a literal sense in the end#like lol. this isn’t even talking about the romantic aspects of it either#don’t even hit me with that their obsession went deeper than romance sit they wanted to fuck each other let’s get real#i kinda need a reboot of killing eve but with good writing all the way through#i dunno. i dunno why i’m even talking about this#like i’m gonna be 80 and still babbling about killing eve and toxic yuri madness in the nursery home#this show wasted literal years of my life i’m never gonna get back….#BLEGH. sick sick sick sick sick sick sick SICK#killing eve#my text
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i always thought i was a very typical enemies to lovers girlie but i think i just realized my actual taste in ships is the dynamic where the two are supposedly equal rivals/enemies who represent diametrically opposed themes (for the Aesthetic), but in actuality it’s just one of them yanking the other around on a chain while the other whines and rages and protests and ultimately makes an absolute spectacle of themselves
so uhhh. how did THAT happen and when and why
#L and light fit this dynamic bc my mental model of their conversations is like this#L shoots light a question mostly meant to fuck with him and it works bc light instantly starts running in around in circles in his brain#he’s like a circus performer juggling ten rings on a tightrope. obsessively constructing his answer based on what he imagines he looks like#in L's eyes. he's like... a peacock strutting around with his feathers out or some shit. so easily provoked. he's doing this to himself!!!#this is not even mentioning that L had light on a literal leash (that's what im calling the chain.) but anyways#i started shipping them in yotsuba arc and it was the moment where light did a thing in hunting down yotsuba and L was like hmm. good boy.#(me: having visions of light's brain shorting out in this moment (bc the praise kink shit is so real and personal to me))#but then he turns it into another test: you're so good you could replace me actually. and then light just calls him on it in front of the#whole task force with this big dramatic speech like he'd reached into L's brain and pulled the thoughts directly from his head#light is constantly performing at L's whims and he hates it ofc. he's under investigation; why wouldn't he? but secretly he's having the#time of his life bc he's a bit deranged and he likes showing off!!! to L!!!#out of all versions of light i think yotsuba!light felt most strongly about having Something To Prove. to everyone and to L specifically#at this point after the fake-memory kira shenanigans he's def not a normal strait-laced boy even if he's pretending very hard to be one#theres so much u can do w that dynamic imo. like it isnt just neutered kira vs L it's got its own flavor that can only exist at that time#especially if u also assume L realizes light has lost his memories and is kinda trying to manipulate him about it#anyways back to my original point. i can't believe it took an anthropomorphic tv man hitting the base versions of my tastes with deadly#precision for me to even realize what they were. im going insane about this. thank you anthropomorphic tv man. i guess#this is also why alastor + lucifer isn’t doing it for me i think. hating each other over power levels? or over charlie? boringgg#it’s gotta be more personal than that. they’re more evenly matched in how they feel about each other but it feels soulless#i need that raw gut churning angst lmaooo#this is also partly why i can’t get into angel + husk and im MAD about it. i think they’re the kind of ship i might’ve liked back when i#was 12 and losing it over sns (naruto) for the first time. but now i’m a diff type of person apparently
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#really exhausted by the continuous internal gender struggle#I’m afab who enjoys feminity so why do I always feel like:#woman?#I feel sometimes like I’m half woman and half something else#not man just….not anything on the binary#I hate it because you have a bunch of shitty people who say:#on you just have internal misogyny#but I don’t feel discontent with the feminity I do possess#I just feel like it’s not all there is#I would prefer to be called they#but being called she isn’t upsetting and is easier to navigate the world with#and often enjoyable when I’m reaching for the celebration of feminity#if I could have a face that was perfectly androgynous#(in these sense that you could not tell agab when looking at it)#I would love it#and sometimes I wish I had a completely flat chest#and a deeper voice (like Cher!)#but neither can I say I hate my breasts or the face I do have#because frankly I think they’re very beautiful#and I love feeling beautiful#I’m just so frustrated and feel lonely#I feel like I’m not queer enough to be considered queer and still too queer for everyone else#to actually be open about how I feel about gender in real life#and I don’t feel comfortable being called trans#because I don’t feel like I’m transitioning genders#I just feel so frustrated#and lost
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the way I just got hit with 5 separate “your order has been shipped” emails while also waiting for my love island water bottle to arrive…. Customs fees are going to be the thing that ruins the bank account this month I fear
#kirke’s inner dialog#THIS IS WHY IM NOT ALLOVED TO PREORDER THINGS#THIS HAPPENS TOO OFTEN#IM FUCKED#I need my card taken away I fear#im not responsible enough for this#i shouldn’t be allowed access to my own money BECAUSE I DO SHIT LIKE THIS#never take financial advice from me#im 21 and as irresponsible as it gets#money isn’t real is my way of life AND THATS A BAD THING
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*2015 voice* i wish i had the chillness instead i got the mental illness
#evidence of life#tw for mental illnesses major distress illness symptoms that aren’t romanticized (lawl) suicide ableism i guess?#idk just a massive tw for what i’ve said in the notes / don’t read if descriptions of mental illnesses bother you etc#////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////#i literally had to mix rubbing alcohol into my body wash then put it all over my body except my hair to stop myself from committing suicide#i’m so serious if there’s one thing i don’t say with my convoluted levels irony it’s suicide whenever i say kms im 100% serious#suicide is literally a constant ideation for me and i just can’t teehee about it ever i think it’s because it is one of the few ways i feel#that i can take total control full autonomy#anyways isn’t crazy traumatic things will happen and we have to just keep going like im literally on tumblr after [redacted]…#also why is my psychosis so obsessed with break ins these days when i was doing my rubbing alcohol scrub it did the break in scenario#like miss girl literally nobody want us that bad take a seat…#anyways this day started out okayish and now it’s literally *burning building in the background*#i wanna try to at least make it possibly kind of better by going to watch the sunset but no promises kinda itching for more rubbing alcohol#anyways slayyyy respectfully i hope this scares off…who it usually does…#like bro i am not a manic pixie dream girl i am not a smol bean with anxiety not a depressed gloomy muse etc#i am [as described by men who thought that i was just another goth bitch with daddy issues that knew all the right moves to make me into#whatever they needed me to be and or thought i was being hyperbolic when i say i am insane in the head and the pussy (as above so below)]#‘crazy crazy’ ‘fucked up’ ‘not worth it [because i am crazy for real]’ ‘[in need for a dude who one course in psychology and thinks that and#his dick are enough to ‘cure me’ ‘weird’ ‘freak’ ‘looney’ (kinda love that one like so true) etc (bc i don’t want to talk abt this anymore)#edit: my temporary icon bothering more than it should rn ughhh bad end all around goodness
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my brother: probably is going through the worst thing he’s ever been through in his entire life
me: how can i make this about myself and my sadness
#i just#i have spent so much like sooooo much of my life waiting for my parents to get divorced#it never EVER occurred to me that one of my brothers would first or at all#i thought they both found the love of their lives and they broke the mold#the pattern and were truly healed from our family only to find out#(on accident i wasn’t supposed to hear) that there’s no breaking it and live isn’t real and#it’s so stupid like why am i sad? this isn’t my life#but like deep down i think it’s this dark fear that if my golden brother the nicest guy you’ll ever meet who practically raised me#and my other siblings can’t find a forever love what shot do i have#which is awful but it’s just so it’s such a weird thing to witness like i never saw this coming#i saw him choosing his wife over my family and cutting off communication to my parents or some other extreme but never this and#like it’s so stupid but i’m so sad and heartbroken for him#anyway#eris: text#eris: brother 1
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