#it has helped me tremendously.
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Fuck you Young Royals for forcing me to go through this painful process while patient notes keep piling.
I hate you. Except I don’t. ❤️🩹
#this explains why i ‘never had a favorite show’#didn’t know my own taste (pun intended) so i pretended to like things i didn’t actually like#this show is a good one#it has helped me tremendously.#and this process has helped me tremendously in the journey to finding inner peace ❤️🩹#and it helps me get rid of absolutist thinking. which is harmful for the surgeon per their role in society.#i recognize that i do not have to like every single character in a show for it to be my favorite show#i just have to like the main couple#also a shoutout FU to omar (affectionate)#i love you king ❤️🩹#(like fuck you to simon’s sister for real.#it makes me incredibly uncomfortable that she only felt the need to sincerely apologize to simon#after she had felt slighted by her loved one.#oh and her autism and adhd isn’t a fucking excuse#my co-resident is one of the kindest men i’ve ever met and he just recently discovered he had ADHD.#he’s dealing with that while in residency to provide for his family.#just because life is difficult he keeps going.#and look at Simon!!!#same mother and father and upbringing.#and i don’t even need to get into wille’s own selflessness.#nah for real. FUCK. HER.)#thank you for coming to my Ted talk.#you can see yourself out. 🎤#young royals#wilmon
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Heartbroken reminder that Egwene is 17 when she gets taken by the Seanchan, spends two months in captivity being tortured, used as a weapon and dehumanized. When she gets back to the Tower, she immediately passes a test that's not at all traumatic, nearly gets killed by a Grey Man and is sent on a secret mission to hunt murderers completely unsupervised. During this period of wandering, lacking direction, she naturally gets angrier and erratic, but Nyn and Elayne mostly treat it as childish rebellion against Nyn's authority, with Elayne slapping Egwene because she was mean to Nyn. When the girls eventually get captured because they are not equipped at all to hunt the Black Ajah, Egwene becomes so terrified of being taken again that she keeps on resisting the sisters long past it is sensible, earning a brutal beating from the sisters who throw her back into a cell, beaten to a pulp, with no hope for help this time.
Clearly, Egwene has no PTSD whatsoever.
#egwene al'vere#The wheel of time#Wot book spoilers#The Great Hunt#The Dragon Reborn#Remblai#wot book journey#I think about it all the time#About how early in the books she gets to experience something so horribly traumatic and to receive little support afterwards#None from the Tower#None from her mentors#And little from her friends because they have their own stuff going#And even if the books don't give as much room to Egwene's trauma as Rand's it's always here#Her prime reaction to someone trying to subdue her will be extremely violent#She would rather die than let that happen again#It's beyond me how she managed to rebuild herself after this and mostly on her own#The Wise Ones helped tremendously here#Because she had a strict routine#She was far away from everything and everyone that could remind her of what happened#Being a Dreamwalker has also little to do with the OP so it allowed her to regain control without interacting with the OP#I love her arc from very early on tbh#It's not about Egwene being unbreakable#It's about Egwene living with a pain that could destroy her#That's something she shares with Rand as well
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ART WRAPPED ON BEETLE AND THE HOLLOWBONES 2, BEETLE AND THE CHIMERA CARNIVAL
#beetle and the hollowbones#after an unavoidable year and a half of publisher delay and two and a half years of insane work#at over 350 pages PAINTED#with the lifesaving help of my friends#and through in my personal life tremendous growth and tremendous literal real world peril#not to get too TOO personal!!#but she has in fact been there for me all along into the happiest year of my life last year and probably this year#i am so excited for you to see this and most of all for kids to read it
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Can you please write something with zhongli? Probably a failed escape attempt?
So I have FINALLY finished this and just need to proofread and fix details/any errors I catch. It will be posted within the next little while whenever I'm done with said final edits (or possibly morning if I finish at some weird early hour).
#i had like 13000 words of it done#then my computer auto updated and didnt autosave#when i tell you i was on the fucking verge of tears#BUT i had a portion saved in evernote which helped tremendously#this is the second time Word has done this to me so im gonna go look thru settings or something
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@freakarus, you were part of the addams family ever since the day gomez challenged you to duel when you first entered their house. now you're in the family portraits. but here are some headcanons from the addamses:
i. morticia adores eddie. whenever eddie comes around, she makes everyone wear clothes with holes in them to make him feel more comfortable around them. whenever she gets the chance, she always gifts him either antique rings or creates more chains so that he could wear however he likes. at least once, she let eddie be head of the seance. she's also indulging him with old diaries from their ancestors that would give him ideas for his games. she found it fascinating that there is someone else interested in both dungeons and dragons, but she didn't mean the game. she would listen to his stories and would make the entire family participate in d&d campaigns.
ii. gomez thinks of eddie as his son. he's even telling others (relatives and acquaintances) that eddie was his son for a while and no one saw him before because he's that great of a stalker. he makes sure to treat him the same way he treats all his children. he engages in games he deems fun and that brings them together, but of course without actually harming eddie. one time he basically dragged a tailor to make the same costumes for all his male children : pubert, pugsley and eddie. gomez also likes to smoke and he frequently smokes with eddie. while not sure how we.ed is, he doesn't mind eddie consuming anything in a safe environment. gomez is okay with his cigars, but every now and then does try other substances with eddie.
iii. pugsley adores him. he's a little leech that caught on eddie. to pugsley, eddie is a hero. he's so cool and confident in his eyes. whenever eddie's around the house, pugsley is always behind a corner, admiring him. even though, most of the time, he does barge in just to talk to eddie. he's also a big hugger. he hugs eddie a lot and tells him he'll miss him everytime he leaves the house. he learned more about d&d rules because of eddie and hopes one day he'll make eddie proud. pugsley also likes to show eddie what bombs he had created in order to impress him. one time, he was afraid eddie wouldn't come back, so he locked eddie in one of the rooms just so that he'll spend the night.
iv. pubert is small, probably around eight or ten. the blue eyed blond addams anomaly does like eddie, too. he's very similar to pugsley to a degree, but unlike pugsley, he has more confidence. pubert has no problem trying to steal eddie from wednesday whenever he sees fit and he likes to make his brother jealous. one time, pubert asked eddie how can he become more like eddie. he's currently growing his hair so that he can have a similar hairstyle to eddie.
v. wednesday i think forgot they are friends. to her, eddie is just family. and she would both kill and die for her family. whilst she may appear the most distant from the whole family, she cares about him a lot. if someone bullies eddie, wednesday is there to avenge her brother. she enjoys torturing him when it comes with his love life. she likes to play tricks on him, without actually harming him of course, but it'd good to keep him on his toes. same applies to her brothers, after all. whenever the family announces a vacation / trip, she's first to let eddie know he has no other choice than to come. because she sees him as her older brother, she literally goes to him about anything and everything. at this point, she knows where he's at by smell. at some point along the way, she felt comfortable enough to be physically close to him or touch him, which is just wow!!!! meaning if she wants him to go somewhere, she just grabs his arm and drags him. she also likes to poke him for some reason. and to end this because it gets too long, when she brought him home, she didn't expect him to stick around. but he did. and now she doesn't know a life without him. so even if he comes back wrong in any of your verses, she'll be looking out for him. she'll make sure he wouldn't hurt others just because she knows he wouldn't have harmed them before. even if it's just her eddie's memory that she's not willing to let go of, she. will. be. there.
#no proofreading so if it doesnt make sense its bc i wrote it as fast as i could#dude ur eddie has been there for my wednesday since exactly day 16#i was barely writing her and trying to understand weds#and you helped me tremendously#u and eddie have been my greatest christmas gift almost 2 years ago now#freakarus
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honestly every single day I wonder how I didn't realise earlier how gay I am. like yeah yeah I know the answer is repression and severe deep rooted internalised lesbophobia but how the actual fuck did I manage to repress that hard? that's got to have been enough hard work that it like, qualifies for being put on my CV
#anyway I've been finding more and more peace in myself lately#tomorrow marks a month since I cut my hair (right now it's probably a month almost on the minute since I booked the appointment actually)#and it feels... kind of unbelievable how much has happened internally for me in that month#I'm getting a little bit emotional about it now actually#everything just. feels so much more right. so much more peaceful. so much more real. so much more OKAY#it's an unimaginable spot to be in#like even now#also just... my mental health has tremendously improved from this alone#obviously realising i'm a lesbian didn't fix all my issues magically#but it definitely helped with like self perception and stuff#know the post tone is joking etc but the repression was honestly taking such a fucking toll on me and I didn't even realise#at the same time I know I couldn't have come to terms with it sooner. I think this was the only way it was ever going to go#I haven't been ready before it's as simple as that#z talks#not horse game
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it’s super nice to have a friend whose special interest is bugs and critters until it’s 2am and you’re convinced there’s a brown recluse in your shower and they’re ASLEEP
#ducky rambles#the anxiety spiral is spiraling#i just know he’s either gonna help tremendously#or give me three new things to worry about#like that time he taught about burrowing wasps that instriped the movie alien#sometimes he’ll show you a baby turtle#sometimes he’ll show you a rat snake#but regardless#you will bear witness to whatever critter this mf has snatched up
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The thing that gets me about this episode, in terms of starting to really build that close bond between Ellie and Joel, is that he failed her.
And then he said sorry.
He missed hearing a kid, Ellie had to step in, and Joel prioritized the enemy on the ground over checking in on Ellie. And he saw that mistake for what it was (I’d argue it’s normal to miss an enemy in this situation, but Joel’s used to Tess having his back and he now has a kid instead and if she has to step in at all, it’s a failure to him).
And when they finally get just a second to sit, he checks in. It’s awkward and hard for him and he’s buried this instinct so far down, but it’s a part of his makeup at this point, so he still tries.
And at the end of the try, he simply says sorry.
I wonder how many of the adults that failed Ellie ever apologized for it. We didn’t see Marlene apologize for leaving her in a military-ran orphanage and not checking in ever. it definitely could’ve happened in the bit we missed, but Marlene and Joel are very similar, in that they are laser focused when they have a cause or a job, so i don’t think she would’ve taken the time.
Especially not in the face of what Ellie could mean to the rest of the world. Marlene loves Ellie, only there’s a “but” because Ellie could save what’s left of humanity and that has to come first.
I’d be willing to bet that Joel is the first one to look at Ellie, apologize to her for how he perceived he failed her (and later apologize for what she has to go through so young), and mean it.
#tlou spoilers#tlou#THE PUN BOOK HELPED TREMENDOUSLY TOOOOO#this got me tho#ellie has seen joel beat a man to death to protect her#and has now also had him apologize for failing her#and for a girl who was left all on her own for so long that must be an overwhelming feeling#almost painful probably#this episode was real good at showing the push and pull of Joel too#he laughs at her dumb (AMAZING) jokes and asks her how she's doing and asks about her lift#but then pulls back almost immediately#turns his back to her or calls her cargo or physically moves away to try and create distsance#it doesn't work lol but he's trying#joel#ellie#also i looooove Marlene so this isn't a hit piece on her or anything#shes a great foil for joel and shes a great character#but she definitely didnt apologize to ellie
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I love you medicine. I love you drugs. I love you prescription medications. I love you antidepressants. I love you antipsychotics. I love you mood stabilizers. I love you anticonvulsants. I love you tranquilizers. I love you barbiturates. I love you hypnotics. I love you narcotics. I love you steroids. I love you antihistamines. I love you antibiotics. I love you blood thinners. I love you beta blockers. I love you every other drug that I've failed to mention. I love you drugs made in laboratories and with chemicals that we have created with our own hands.
I love you every single person on a prescription medication that you hate. I love you every single person on a prescription medication that you love. I love you every single person on a prescription medication that you'd rather live without. I love you every single person on a prescription medication that you're so thankful for helping you survive and/or function.
#From tha drafts#This is also coming from someone who has experienced extremely severe side effects from medication that has landed me in the ER#Trust me I know we have a long way to go with getting meds to work properly#But the help they currently provide me is still tremendous#This just isn't a post where I'm intending to go into the complexities of big pharma. Just wanna show some love to the things that make me#function and to the people who also use them to survive#cripple punk#cripplepunk#neuropunk#madpunk#mad pride
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it feels like i have no days off but thats partly my fault where all i do is work and try not to be full of depression swag
#had an out of body experience all morning a few days ago#i wanted to give up and lie down on the dirt cause my body didn’t feel real omgggggg thats kinda funny#im good now (read: bothered to go on tumblr)#and exercise is helping me tremendously i just need to not over do it haha#it makes me hungry tho so i am eating well! my hair loss rate has declined!
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PSA: I am still writing The Serpent’s House (I swear I am not lying I have just had much Life happening lately, check tags for more detail) and a new chapter is with my betas now and will be coming soon I promise. For real this time. Please believe me.
Sorry for vanishing and also being the worst for leaving anyone who is still reading this goshdarned fic on a cliffhanger for six months :) If you’ve stuck around: oh god, please let me buy you several beverages of your choice for your patience.
#I am based in Edinburgh now#if anyone’s in the area give me a shout! I love friends#and I am doing my master’s full time and have a part time job and I really enjoy both but it is A Lot#also I have the Loveliest Ever Partner (hands down no contest)#(if you’re reading this: hi my darling <3)#and all of this is good but it is also time consuming#however I swear I have not forgotten this fic#it genuinely keeps me up at night#and to everyone who has left comments encouraging me to keep going: I love you very much and you have helped my motivation tremendously#that is mostly all for now#also my pronouns changed!#that’s another life update huh#anyway! Hope Uses They/Them!#okay Now that’s all for now I think#if you read all this I owe you additional beverages of choice#hope talks about writing#the serpent’s house
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anyway after the test, going to return the books that due at the library, print out some docs that i have to post and going to get tickets to watch past lives on saturday 👍🏽 and after all that i am still going out to watch a movie with a friend and grab some din din
#i haven't really left the house for the past 10 weeks except for work trips because of my leg (which hasn't healed completely)#but i bought an ankle brace which has tremendously helped me so finally going out after a month just inside my room
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From @hexenjagd
It is a gentle gesture. With a turn of her wrist she cups his chin, cradling his head within her welcoming palm and holding him there. Her fingers fitted to the shape of his jaw perfectly as she delicately tilted his head her way.
A gentle urging for him to turn her way and face her. A beckoning.
"Come now, raise your head. Lift your gaze and meet mine." it was a command, gentle in intent-- uttered through a half whisper.
"I've rarely seen such success in many an era. You rose from nothing. Hardly able to stand or even give me your name, narrowly avoiding the embrace of death, from embers to flame. Look at you. You've come so far-- transformed. Whole and beautiful. Now, raise your head with pride. You have survived."
There’s little else to see. Nothing worth a look upon the grotto’s ridged arching walls, reverberating the whisper of rain outside past the faceless bushes. Still his gaze remains downcast, absorbed by earth-sunk stones. Every so often a stray glance dares peek through black strands to briefly settle upon some corner of her contours, reaffirming him with the glimpse of boots, of a hand or the ends of her ebony locks that she is indeed still beside him. But neither stare lasts, none dare remain, he simply cannot bring himself to fully look at her.
How many times has he thought back to the distant days spent inside that tent? Thought about all the things he could have told her if he could speak the way he can today. With a solid dominion over the language they shared, understanding him would have proven much simpler. Restlessly deterred by the suffocating hold of his ignorance, so much more could have been said had he been free of it from the start. When solitude struck low, he knows he wished he had more to remember her by. Wished that and more.
And yet, is this moment not weaved from the same thread of impossible opportunity? The same wishfulness as those dreams, the sort that visited him when exhaustion got the better of him. What is this silence then, Cayin? Has she returned, made her way back to you against all probability, so you could fall quiet beside her again?
This is your chance to say what you could not.
Her touch settles under his jaw, mindful, deliberate. It doesn’t bear the same warmth it once did, but then neither did her hand in those liar dreams. Scarred bearer of comforts, it still shapes a feeling of shelter truer than any walls, as does her velvety voice, first bringer of speech to his ears. At last she brings him to look upon her, truly and sincerely. So much more vivid than any product of the mind, yet perfumed in a strange bittersweetness. Perhaps because this isn't how he imagined it. Perhaps because his eyes do not lie, and they tell clearly that the two of them are changed, so very changed since then.
But where the proof of time roots him in this indecision he cannot explain, she responds in opposite: acknowledging it in a most celebratory manner, all in recognition towards him, towards what he is today in relation to what she knew him as. In this praise, in this short tale worthy of being preserved as an epigraph in a book, she welcomes him.
Success. When she puts it that way, it’s difficult to deny. Every need fulfilled has been followed by the search of the next, but to consider what has already been achieved is a pleasure of its own worth lingering in. She continues, calls him complete, calls him beautiful, names him survivor, like titles conferred by the sword that settles upon the head and shoulders of the newly knighted. Only he does not bow, as his head is called to rise. And rise it does, hesitantly, in spite of the knot tugging at his throat. Fists clench under their sleeves until the urge to shiver ceases, and they release, open hands rising to meet the one she placed under his chin.
“Not nothing.” He speaks in a quiet certainty. Claws grasp her fingers tenderly, delicately pulling her hand down and turning his wrists so his thumbs may rest on her palm. “I had you.”
#man... MAN...#this was going to be something short/relatively light but#there is so much weight behind this interaction. What she says here and the place of this conversation in their story#it's tremendous. I couldn't help it I had to describe it in more detail#so much so in fact that I was hesitant to write this because I'm still getting the hang of it again. This warrants some special writing#but I wanted to give it a shot anyways! I cannot pass up the chance to do this#You did beautiful work with your ask by the way. Absolutely lovely and it filled me with inspiration to continue it :]#the fact that Cayin has definitely thought back to everything he has learned... and lowkey wished she could see it#wondered what she would have said to him (when he thought her to be dead... which she kinda was but that's beside the point)#The way she acknowledges it here- going way beyond in the way she does it too! It means a lot to him and he hardly knows how to respond#he's learned to keep his composure much better#I could talk a lot about all of this but it's late over here! But you'll surely hear plenty more about it sooner or later ;y#hexenjagd#Elden Ring verse
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#feeling very. Bad lately#in a despondent 'there is no future at least not for me' kind of way#hard to feel optimistic about anything. if I think for more than five minutes about the more than immediate day to day future#I get lost in a fugue of scenarios that will never come to pass because I'm too willing and ready to just be a tool and not a person#to everyone in my life and somehow still pretend day in and day out that I'm actually living a life#I constantly feel like I'm sixteen years old and never got the guidebook for life beyond hs#don't have a job and can't find one without access to transportation and my hours would be severely limited by my caretaking duties#ostensibly I have all the free time in the world right and just absolutely no drive to do anything at all with it#except lay in bed and suffer anxiety over everyone else's problems and my limited/un-ability to solve all of them#logically I am aware this is ridiculous and self-sabotaging and also impossible and also NOT on me to fix#but I've never been any good at treating myself the way I feel the desire to treat everyone else. my problems aren't worth fixing etc#life is and just always has been something that happens to other people#and most days I'm fine with that. I can find some silly interest to lose myself in and not think about it.#I'm very good at disappearing somewhere else. I don't need to exprience anything. my brain is great at theater#but right now it's just nothing. and so reality crashing in on many sides at once is destroying me a bit#I've also got a migraine right now so that helps tremendously. obviously#maybe if I make dinner now before I become completely useless I can just go to sleep early#I know this'll pass. It is what it is. I'm just Tired. and wish everything were different. y'know.
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#so there’s a…possibility that I might be no longer posting art on my tumblr blog in the near future#posting has caused me to loose a tremendous amount of my confidence and enjoyment when it comes to art#LOSE**#it’s no longer just for fun and just a constant loop of ‘it’s not good enough’#and then a kick in the ass when that art piece does eventually crash and burn#and it also doesn’t help that the fandom most definitely has a style preference—#and unfortunately#my style is not like that style#so a good portion of the fandom isn’t very fond of it for that reason#I’m still thinking about the whole thing as it’s been something I used to look foward to#but now it’s just a lot of pressure more than excitement#right now I’m just trying to space out my drawings to give myself small breaks#but that still may not be enough.#we shall see! im not making the decision now nor is it gonna be extremely soon#but definitely something I’ve been thinking about lately
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it's finally over it's finally done thank god
#he finally blocked me#thank you#thank you for doing that and listening to me#god i hope you're doing better than me rn#it's gonna take a while to recover from this one but blocking me has helped tremendously#genuinely thank you
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