#which. okay yeah thats just a good thing to do but like
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Also. thought i was over him and then he opened the door for me when i had my hands full
#<3#like. i was grabbing bags of fabric for my sewing class and he was leaving to his car#and he deliberately paused. and waited for me#to open the door for me#which. okay yeah thats just a good thing to do but like#i had stalled with the doors to my back to listen to something my teacher was saying. and He Waited at the door.#so ^-^#and then later i walked out of a classroom he was trying to walk into and almost crashed into him 😞😞#this is about the i just think mcdavid is hot guy from the play. for hearty anon narrative following purposes
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Uhh post canon Barney
Man who has not had a break since the rescas and refuses to start now. Alyx and Gordon are hiding his gear as we speak while Kleiner distracts him.
I was sposed to do Alyx too but I blinked and it was 3 am so. Next time
Oh also I forgot to make a note but he does carry a sidearm
#no reposting#ok ramble time because i have some Thoughts#subject to change..#okay so like#Barney is a few things. imo. one he's s good leader and protector. two hes a creature of habit.#Barney has always kind of stuck in one area of work.. from security guard to civil protection officer to white forest sentry#hell even as a field commander during the uprising half of his combat is essentially point defense and backing Gordon up#which like yeah thats just gameplay stuff but this is an intentional reading of his character so just. shh#anyways#Barney never really stops being some kind of guard. the context in which he operates changes of course but its still the same general role#maybe its a subconscious attempt at maintaining normalcy. maybe its just all he feels hes good at. regardless its what he does.#and its what he continues to do.#that's what feels right to him thats whats natural to him so he might as well do it.#i think part of Barney's brain hasn't really caught up to the idea that things really are improving.#like he Knows it and he's happy about it but it doesn't feel natural after spending half of his life under the combine.#his body still thinks hes in danger#okay im eepy#half life fanart#barney calhoun#half life 2#half life furry au#half life
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What If Julius and Subaru both met when Julius was a commoner and Subaru got transported Sooner
fun stuff im sure !! but haah okay given julius was a kid when he was a commoner - yeah theyre both kids here!! not sure how old but definitely somewhere before the age of ten. and i think theyd be up to some shenanigans together im sure!! theyre both very mischevious kids (or from what little we know of little kid julius, given iirc tappei hasnt specified just How Much of a "delinquent" little kid julius is okay. but hes definitely the type to sneak out past curfew or something. stay up late reading too, probably. that sort of thing). and also subarus a kid and no way he ISNT missing home poor guy T^TT getting ripped away from home like that is bad enough at seventeen, getting ripped away from home when you are like. no more than eight or something is Bad. but luckily!! im assuming subaru gets found by the juukuliuses (julius's parents probably?) and thats how julius and subaru form their friendship / long-term yearning for each other (if you so desire that) (okay but no way subaru ISNT gonna form long-term yearning for julius flajsdlf). but yes i think julius and subaru would be silly happy kids together and julius's parents would be like oh no this other kid is so lost where is he from :(( but hes so loved by julius already too... well we got another kid under our roof now.
except. julius's parents die in a flood. so i mean. Hypothetically.... either julisuba survive this one first try or subaru dies for the first time. which. ohh god. oh god. oh g -
#IM. IM JUST GONNA LEAVE ON THAT OMINOUS NOTE#yeah so i think this would turn into childhood friends to Possibly Mutual Pining but actually it might not be mutual if you wanna interpret#reinjuli a certain way. but then but THEN later it can become mutual if u so want#like when u know a person for such a long period of time u change over time. u know?? both you and the relationship u have with this person#has its alterations over time!! thats just how it b but if youre meant to be together youll stick it out <3#julisuba in every universe they befriend each other for good is#Bound to be together for the rest of their lives. To Me. they are soulmates to Me okay their relationship is important#regardless of what form it takes!!! they could grow to think of each other like brothers in an au like this if u so desire too!! which i#think would be really touching <3#yeah so. julisuba childhood friends au. shit goes haywire sometimes. its really awful bc subarus a kid so u can imagine the kind of fucked#stuff hes learning rn hahaha. or you can go the happier route and subaru doesnt learn about rbd until later </3#either way. julisuba real. subarus an eldritch horror. these are both crucial facts for every timeline#i think julius would probs be a bit better having a companion by his side from the very beginning throughout all of this for sure!!#and someone who Gets the jealousy / do i want to be with him or Be him ;-;#i have a fondness for reinjulisuba (THE MESSIEST LOVE TRIANGLE YOUVE EVER SEEN)#and ok if subarus an eldritch horror since childhood then he and reinhard are gonna have Even More in common#hooray for childhood joys and traumas!!!!!#also julisuba visit julius's parents graves :(( leave nice flowers there im sure#subaru-joshua hostility begins also. that sort of thing#rezero#re:zero#ask#natsuki subaru#julius juukulius
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how do you people study through extreme exhaustion? bc thats what always gets me during the exams & i cannot keep doing this forever
#the first time i had exams i kept going through pure desperation#bc i cared a lot more back then#but now i just dont see studying as important enough for that to work#redoing a year wont be fun but i know people the year below me & it wouldnt be bad either#anyways to pass this next exam i probably wont get any sleep#or maybe 2 hours#which i know is bad but since its only 2 exams this time im less worried about sleep & more about just getting through#so i need to know how to keep myself going#i have no available caffeine :( otherwise thatd be my first idea#but idk ive tried so many things#turning on the big light#movement breaks#short naps#sleeping a few hours & just getting up really early#music - which does help a lot but its not enough#mine#please no one ever taught me any of this i just keep guessing & hoping i get it right#like at school they do 'teach you to study' but really its just a few tips#mostly to take care of yourself & not pull all nighters#like okay. but what if i have to otherwise i will not pass? how do i manage that?#i never had to study before high school#& that combined with my horrible mental state at the time meant my grades went from really good to horrible#and yet somehow passing#but idk i dont want to be hanging on by a thread and just one mistake away from failing anymore#thats not fun#i think it was kinda good for me since i made peace with maybe failing & dont really care about that anymore? like if i fail thats okay too#but yeah anyway#im rambling so i dont have to start studying
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The Thoughts(c) are getting to me so I should probably go to bed but I have to say hmm maybe I should go to therapy
#teach says#not that im feeling at my lowest#im not im okay even if a bit frustrated#but i havent been to therapy in a while and the therapist ive had until now only focuses on issues related to childhood and family#they helped me so much and im grateful for that but ive kinda outgrown my problems at this point#which is good!#but i feel like i should look for someone that can help me put things in perspective in my adult and neurodivergent years#i clearly dont really know how to Feel stuff so i keep getting to a point every few months where all the negative emotions come together#and create the Final Breakdown (to the tune of the final countdown)#like now theres the dentist#the fact that i couldnt go on vacation#my friends live far#and then other stuff#and it doesnt matter if its big or small it will always combine like a megazord and come bite me in the ass#and then i become insufferable and i cry for a week straight without solving anything!!!!!!!#like bro i have zero free time i need to stay focused i cant just randomly cry in the office and not even know why!!!!!!!!!!!!#thats unprofessional as hell!!!!!!!!!!!#and i dont even know why im doing that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so yeah#except having zero free time also means having no time to go to therapy#much to thonk about
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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to be honest i think classic sonic as a separate guy sucks and it should have just been a one time thing in generations that they never tried again. sorry classic sonic enjoyers .
#and thats not to say that i think all of the more recent classic sonic media is bad. sonic mania is good. sonic superstars is okay.#and the comics and animations are cute#but is it really worth it . i think the concept of classic sonic being from an alternate dimension#and certain characters being considered ''classic only'' characters kinda sucks. i dont like it.#and recently they seem to have dropped that idea and switched to ''yeah this is totally the same timeline as everything else''#which i dont like either. i dont like them going back and inserting more stuff into the area of the timeline#that we already passed over 20 years ago just to appeal to people who wont touch anything with modern sonic in it#its like theres no winning . maybe they should just stop with the classic sonic . leave him alone#if they think they have to keep making classic sonic stuff or theyll die though why does it have to be canon#why cant it just be a silly fun side thing that they dont take super seriously#also theres nothing stopping them from making 2d games that still use the modern designs like the advance trilogy or sonic rush#i think making games like that more often would be a better compromise than whatever theyre doing with classic sonic
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ppl who like making friends solely with one-note cardboard boxes who will hang out with them when it's convenient and never open up about who they are as people and what their lives are like dni
#the salt just caught up with me and now im pissed#hi welcome to what i like to call a friendly reminder that hanging out with someone just because its convenient is kind of shitty#and a less friendly reminder that talking about yourself to connect with people is an autistic trait#and an even less friendly reminder that not telling someone if theyve done you wrong and then proceeding to blow up on them is ALSO SHITTY#ESPECIALLY. WHEN. THEY THINK. YOU'RE ON GOOD TERMS. BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE IT AND THEY CAN'T READ YOU.#IM REALLY FUCKING MAD#I THINK I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE.#the people who actually somewhat knew me and hung out with me and were on good terms with me think the same#so like BLEH MYEH :PPPPPPPPP#like okay youre entitled to your opinions but sometimes you need to keep those to yourself#did u see me insulting u to ur face#nope i have not done even once#and thats on getting better communication skills instead of lashing out at someone for trying to fit in with your own vibes#like yeah oversharing is my deal. anybody who sees me here knows that#i bond by being open with people about who i am and what i like in the hopes that theyll do the same#if u think im just around for gaming and making silly jokes u would be wrong.#but of course nobody told me people weren't there to bond like that which in my opinion shouldnt be on me#and once again i am outcasted over something honestly kind of fucking stupid#some of the jokes i made were stupid yes but thats solely because i severely misjudged the vibes#and checks notes oh yeah nobody pulled me up for it even once.#okay so let me get this straight you barely know me and have been making assumptions about me since day one#pretty much let me believe you liked me for two whole weeks instead of asking me about things or cutting me off#and im the one who gets treated like im in the wrong? okay#this miscommunication was not my fault in the slightest and i KNOW that#if you hadve just talked to me things would be fine but theyre NOT.#if you hadve just looked at my gosh darn profile and seen im the queerest fucker around making gay and homophobic type jokes maybe you woul#have had half the mind to ask me if i could stop making those jokes!!!!!!!!!#i am not transphobic!!!!!!! I AM TRANS!! I WAS MAKING A MOCKERY OF SOME TRANSPHOBIC CULTURE I HATE!!!!#i mightve vented on main ONE TIME under the guise of a silly joke but oh my god guess what?? that was an attempt to see if anybody related.#you never liked me in the first place dont lie to yourself
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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girls who have all their lives struggled with worthiness and have spent a solid decade convinced that they were undeserving of love fighting desperately to be good enough to be loved in any capacity by anyone at all, constantly failing constantly being left behind, when someone they dearly care for and genuinely trust just Very Casually tells them that they are easy to love
#diary time sorry this is kinda :// im just like. REELING#'damn shocked you into silence' GENUINELY YEAH 😭😭😭#like okay. okay. okay. okay. cool. take a belief ive held onto my entire life and flip it on its head with no effort at all. yeah thats fin#it feels SO silly to say im like Shaky bc of this but i have a whole ass complex built around it ive worked thru sm in therapy for years no#but this is one of the only things left that still (consistently) REALLY fucks me up and that i cant get through my head#and not for lack of trying its a work in progress if u will but. god.#genuinely one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me i think this is going to live with me for the rest of my life#or at least for the next decade#u know when someone says smth or tells u smth and u just Never Forget It like its too meaningful for you to let go of?#whether good or bad?#this is obviously Very Good which is strange in of itself but also holy shit. holy shit. holy shit#and idk i try to surface level be. Like This? silly goofy kind etc? but to hear that from someone who knows me PRETTY damn well#and who i have sm respect for and put sm trust in#like okay. okay. okay .okay. okay. okay. yeah. sure. yeah. mmhmm. alright. cool. okay.yeah. alright.#one million explosions#alyalyoxenfree#cant decide if i want him to see this or not#thats always a weird moment of someone saying something genuinely life-changing and then its like oh shit#do i suddenly dump all this baggage on you for the sole purpose of making you understand how meaningful this is to me#or do i do. Not That. and simply carry on forever changed for the better
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#so#on one of the various post threads about hbomberguy and the plagiarisms#i added a bit about luke stephens and his apology#because its a very good response and a good apology#and then someone tags it with ''i know the last addition is well meaning but the guys literally a nazi''#and like okay i want to take this accusation seriously#BUT#they dont say anything else and dont even say it on the post#like im sorry but you cant just say that guys a nazi with no evidence provided whatsoever#like at least write the accusations out so i can follow up on it and check it#id prefer actual evidence but i can deal with the accusations i know how to search for stuff#but when i try to look it up#i cant find anything substantial#like i found someone saying he went to bat for jk rowling and okay yeah thats a shitty thing to do#like im a british trans person trust me i know how bad jk rowling and her actions are#but that does not a nazi make#instead i get sidetracked by a reddit thread debating his apology#where theres a bunch of people saying stuff akin to ''yeah it sounds genuine but its clearly PR''or''once a plagiarist always a plagiarist''#which are completely useless responses because okay so no one can ever becpme a better person#and you are always going to hold the actions of a 19 year old - who has disavowed who he was at 19 - against him for the rest of his life#thats incredibly unhelpful of you#also the guy was reportedly raised in an alt right repressive christian household so like#i can see what he might be that person he was at 19 and no that does not excuse his actions but if hes put the effort in for the past six#years to unlearn all of that and attempt to be a better person? then we should give him the benefit of the doubt#there were also other people throwing accusations around with either no evidence or nothing substantive#and a couple of plagiarism accusations where one is maybe the most substantive#apparently he plagiarised joseph anderson in his six hour long the last of us review#but nobody actually expanded on said apparent plagiarism#so that accusation is kinda dead in the water because even if its true your specific accusation is baseless#and so im just left with no reason to trust any of said accusations because seemingly no one is willing to show any proof at all
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YWoOUCH! <- silly guys when they get hurt
#tw vent#in the tags of coursee#but yeah idk the last two days have been uhm yyyyyeeahh#idk hanging out with friends yesterday was definitely good and fun but ig ive been feeling uhm especially annoying/lacking lately? idk how#to describe the feeling by ya- its whatever i can pull through that kicking a screaming and believing things will turn out okay#as i do- but like UHM my leg and back pain has just been horrid the last few days like woow i have never ever dealt with pain like this#i cannot sit for long i cant bend over i was barely able to get through work today- and like some days are better than others but shit#it makes being motivated really hard which just makes my negative emotions worse cause making things and keeping up with my space is like#how i cope with stuff#but drawing makes my pain worse and i currently dont have the ramge of motion to do any chores thatd make me.feel better#augh#anywho idk- but thats why ive been having trouble responding to folks lately#ill be back in up and running orded sooon hopefully#sorry to be negative on dash this will be my only vent post about this <3 peace and love everyone#andychatters#vent
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How come when people talk about like tryna support people who are in a very rough place mentally they always give the usual you're not alone I'm there for you but never actually make any effort to be there - no reaching out, no desire to even wanna talk - like it's just bullshitting cause they know it would sound too obviously mean to be like oh your not okay? Well too bad don't bother me with that shit I don't care enough about you.
#like i know there are people ive spoke to who put on the fake like youre not alone i care im here dont be sad#but if i reached out this minute being like hey i am very much not okay#they be liek ha yeah we all got problems pls dont complain to me cause then ill feel bad too and thats not fair on me boohoo#and like yeah im not tryna be a burden#but dont fucking lie to me and say your gonna be there when your not#if i am falling apart and wanna vent dont claim your okay with that and then get annoyed when i do#its like they never give a fuck#we only ever talk when they wanna and they never guve a fuck about anything i have to say anyway#its just straight onto whats going on in their lives#which especially sucks cause like their is literally never anything good going on in my life#like the only remotely positive things i have to talk about is the media i consume which they especially dont care about#like nothing actually good ever happens in my life#i have bad shit happening or nothing#and the nothing is usually just cause i havent spoke to anyone in person in over a week and im super lonely#this does not apply to people i speak to online cause i know yall cant help living in different countries#it would just be nice to have something in my life who genuinely cared about me and wanted to listen to me#and i dont think thats selfish to want cause i know if there was someone who cared that much about me id be obsessed with them#so it would be mutual
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I am baking cake at midnight and it is going to kill me <3
#it’s just gone in the oven which means at least 25 minutes and probably more like 45 bc I made a Lot#am also kiiiinda winging the recipe so my expectations are on the floor#this is. for a bake sale. pray for me#I’m gonna make the icing tonight and leave it in the fridge overnight I think for tomorrow morning#this has gone wrong at every available opportunity it was 100% not worth it#however! given the prices my friend wants to sell this at i May have turned this into like over £100 which isn’t bad#TWO CAKES. WHY AM I MAKING TWO CAKES#I’m procrastinating washing up the stuff I used to make the batter (hell) bc itssosososo messy and I just wanna shout abt stuff#primarily that I am once again so upset that I only get one more week of ice hockey before summer#there are two parts to this feeling: 1. I love ice hockey I’ve been having such a good time this past week while I’ve not had to stress#abt anything else. 2. gay. gay gay homosexual gay#like okay I’ve been worried abt whether this is an actual crush or I just convinced myself I like him bc pretty+queer#(because of course I can worry abt that). BUT yeah sorry no can confirm I like this dumb fuck this is so unfair#we talked a BUNCH last night and he’s just really cool.#ohhhh fuck I don’t think the oven was properly preheated bc I opened it for a while to fit the two tins in. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#anyway!! he’s really fun to talk to someone help like if he does turn out to be single I could in THEORY text him over summer. maybe.#his birthday will be coming up and my friend suggested that. I’m being insane but oh my god this is torture#I ALSO watched the newest dr who episode today and that did NOT HELP. one of the first things in a while that have given me like#this same specific feeling when I get into gay romantic media. the ‘reading gay shit on wattpad at age 14 feeling’ if you will#where there’s like this weight in the pit of my stomach. it’s NICE that doesn’t sound good but it is#is this what straight people get with romance all the time. I know I just don’t watch/read much anymore but also#there’s straight romance in literally everything so.#but yeah basically I need another month of fuck around time minimum when everyone’s in this city so I can get my shit together#ALSO. I ONLY HAVE A YEAR LEFT HERE. THATS TERRIFYING. a year is a long time but it’s also not this one disappeared and this is like.#WAY too early to even consider that but he’s gonna be here probably for a year after I leave and that could suck if anything does happen.#I guess in theory I’m taking a year before phd probably so I could work here. idk man anyway that one is actually insane of me I’m just gay#boy 😔. they shouldn’t be allowed to do this#on Wednesday he’ll be done with exams and so will my other friend who knows him well. so I will be able to 1. subtly see w her if girlfriend#2. potentially. MAYBE ask what she thinks I’m just trying to decide whether that’s too much to put on her. I think I’m being insane there#luke.txt
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weirdly rly motivated to work out today let's go
#well its not that weird i like exercise but ive just been finding it difficult the past week. but hyped this morning#gonna do this bike loop should be 1.5-2 hours. and then if i still have juice left when i get back ill do 40 mins of triceps too#one great thing abt getting into working out is that it becomes self motivating after a while. partly bc its associated w reward#either like literal reward (protein shake) or emotional (satisfaction + endorphin/neurotransmitter release)#but also bc some days i dont rly wanna and then ill think hm but my arms do look rly good today.. and then im like Well-#the health benefits of exercise and whatever are great but thats never been enough to push me to do it by itself#like lets be real. most of my drive comes from getting a kick out of feeling and looking strong...#nothing wrong w being a bit vain tho 😚 i think the most crucial thing if u wanna integrate exercise into ur life more is being honest-#abt what u wanna get out of it most. and adjusting ur attitude to it around that in a positive way#ur never gonna stick to an exercise routine if ur motivating urself w negativity and shame and talking urself down#or at least its never worked for me! maybe it does for some ppl tho lol#anyway im procrastinating now cuz i have to take the front wheel off my bike to carry it downstairs which is an annoying task#but just imagining a dyke seeing the bike grease on my hands and sweat on my arms and getting flustered... okay yeah im going now#.diaries
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