#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and

[tommygettingwrittenoff]

i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.

[wolvesofinnistrad]

Now on AO3 here (with slightly better editing)

Tommy spots him off to the side just after they start playing. He gives Evan a nod and gets one back, and he's confused. Because Eddie has told him he doesn't like basketball, and Evan kind of let it slip he only came last time because he wanted to see him.

Oh.

He loses the ball in his distraction, then tries to shake it off. "Get it together Kinard," he whispers to himself.

A few moments later he's got the ball again, perfect shot lined up, and he glances at Evan, almost showing off a little and the little fucker winks at him.

He misses the shot by a mile, his team is a little frustrated but all Tommy can hear is the beat of his own heart thudding in his ears.

This boy is gonna kill him.

He really thought it was just gonna be a little fling. Something fun and new and wild. If he's honest he hasn't even dated That many guys himself, and certainly no one like Evan. Not someone that blushes at every word he says, that treats each kiss like the last breath of air, that looks at him like he's so experienced and put together and...

Someone runs into him and he almost falls over. He hears Evan laugh, and its such a good laugh. He's so very very screwed.

Tommy manages to make it through the game, losing badly, but he finds that he really doesn't care that much today. Not when that blinding smile like sunshine is laser focused on him postgame. Not when he hears a stuttered "h-hey Tommy," from Buck that literally makes him wanna drag that boy into a kiss right here.

But Evan isn't ready for that he doesn't think. Fuck does he want it though.

"Hey Evan. What're you doing here?" He asks as he grabs his things, uses a towel to wipe the sweat off his brow and arms.

Evan is staring at him, following the towel and he tests an idea, running it down his legs, then rucking up his shirt and doing his abs. Evan honest to God licks his lips and exhales shakily and that makes Tommy nearly pop a boner right there.

He presses in closer, watches as much as hears the intake of breath from Evan. "I... i just wanted to see you..." Evan says and fuck he's blushing. The kid is honest to god blushing and his eyes are darting all over, to Tommy's face, his lips, his body.

"Well that's good. I've been wanting to see you too." His hand comes up of its own accord, about to grab him, but then he remembers where they are and just punches Evan's arm. Well, he was aiming for his arm but he hit his chest. And fuck if that wasn't solid muscle he just hit.

Evan actually moans a bit and slaps a hand over his own mouth, looking around to make sure no one else heard.

But Tommy heard.

"Wanna walk me to my car?" He asks, and Evan nods, following along. Once they get there he goes and opens the back door and tosses his bag in, but then he goes to the passenger aide and opens it.

"I, uh, I drove here," Evan says, uncertain.

Tommy looks at him, eyes trailing up and down his body. "I know. Get in."

Evan complies readily, scrambling into the seat in his haste and fuck if that doesnt make Tommy wanna ravage him right here. Not yet though.

Soon.

Once they're both inside the car the tension is palpable. He looks over, seeing that flush still high in Evan's cheeks. He places a hand on the man's thigh, his thick muscular thigh, and then moves in, swallowing down the gasp Evan lets out as he kisses him.

Its so good. Fuck its too good. At some point his other hand has come up to tangle in Evan's hair, he has curls, how did he not notice the curls before. Hes just about to try going for Evan's neck when he feels a soft pressure against his chest and immediately he shuts himself down, pulls away, panting.

He stares at Evan, trying to see if he pushed too far, he wasnt trying to he just got carried away. Hes about to say that when Evan simply goes "Fuck..."

That makes Tommy laugh. Evan is even redder than before and when he looks down well, the side of his hand is touching something that definitely wasn't there when he first put his hand on Evan's thigh.

Evan's eyes flick down and he groans. "Wow you, uh, you're," he trails off, but Tommy knows, he's tenting his basketball shorts. Its not embarassing at all though because he doesn't mind Evan knowing how much he does it for him even if they haven't gotten that far yet.

"Yeah, i am. Because of you. Is that okay?" He asks, making sure.

Evan laughs, a nervous but somehow giddy thing. "Its new. But yeah, yeah that's... I didn't even think about like, that being a thing yet."

"Theres a lot of new 'things' to get used to when dating a man Evan."

"Yeah im starting to see that."

He catches his eyes, lettting the moment linger. "And is it okay?"

Evan reaches over and kisses him again, this time softer, more like the first one. "Yeah, it is," he says as he presses their foreheads together. Then he's pulling away. "Now i need to go before i do something very embarassing and very public."

Tommy laughs and pulls him in to another kiss, whispering in his ear "if it wasn't for me wanting to make your first time special I'd have already been blowing you right here." Maybe its too much too soon, but he feels like he has to say it.

Evan stares at him for a moment and Tommy tenses, worried he just fucked that up. Then he laughs. "You have no idea how much I wanna take you up on that but... I have a history of fucking things up when I fall into bed too fast. So as much as its literally killing me," he looks at his own crotch, Tommy thinks he might see a twitch that actually makes his mouth dry, "is it okay if we go slow?"

Tommy nods, sitting back in his seat, no longer crowding the younger man. "We can go as slow as you like. I get it." He looks at Evan again and smiles. "I better go take a shower, I reek." Then, laughing as he adjusts himself a bit, "a very cold shower."

Evan looks uncertain, Tommy raises an eyebrow in question and then the man blurts out "i think you smell great." He blushes even more after that and Tommy smirks.

"Oh yeah? All sweaty and gross?"

Evan seems to pause, like hes struggling with whether to say this or not. "I..."

Tommy gives him a warm, welcoming smile. "Evan dont be embarassed you can say what you wanna say."

Evan looks at him and some of the uncertainty seems to clear. "I always kinda thought it smelled nice. Like sweat and just... that't weird I'm sorry." It almost looks like he might flee and Tommy grabs his hand.

"Hey look at me." Evan does. "First of all, that isn't actually uncommon. A lot of guys are into that." He pauses to let that sink in. "Me included."

Evan looks scandalized, but also a bit turned on. "Really?" He says, his voice a bit strangled.

Tommy just chuckles. "Yeah, really. I think you'll find what guys like with each other might be a little different than what you've thought you were, I'll say 'allowed' to like with women?" He says, not sure hoe to phrase it.

Evan smiles really broadly at that, still shy, but relieved too. He leans in for another kiss and Tommy sinks into it. If Evan inhales a bit deeper before he pulls away well Tommy isn't going to call him on it.

"I better go. I, uh, I'll call you later?" Evan says, his pupils are blown wide and fuck if Tommy doesnt need that shower stat.

"Yeah. I'll be waiting," he says and he doesn't even care if he sounds like a fucking teenager again because this boy has got a hold on him.

Evan takes two tries to open the door because he wont drag his eyes away from Tommy, which is adorable.

"Bye Tommy," Evan says as he gets out and lingers by the door.

"See you later kid," he says, watching Evan turn around and walk off. And if Tommy stares through his rearview mirror for way longer than normal no one has to know.

[try-set-me-on-fire]

Oh I'm such a wimp I don't even wanna think about bad things happening 🫣 But I keep coming back to touch starved, secret caretaking and cry into chest, if you want to talk about any of them?

Well secret caretaking would be kind of a fluffy one! Buck is a pretty stubborn guy when it comes to taking care of himself and asking others for help related to that, so it would be Eddie quietly doing things to make his life easier/nicer while he’s having a tough time. A lot of him being sappy while making sure his ice packs always get back in the freezer, etc.

Haven’t figured out the other two so I’ll just start typing shit out under the cut

Cry into chest…. Not sure what to do about this one…. Maybe I’ll make Eddie cry about something…. Family problems? A nightmare? Buck got hurt and he’s worried? Chris is sick and he’s worried? Or maybe nothing at all has happened but he still is just caught up in an overwhelming feeling of nonspecific worry and frustrated about it because he thought he was past this, The Breakdown ™ was so long ago at this point and like he knows making progress doesn’t mean he magically doesn’t have anxiety anymore and he can have set backs and that’s okay, but he’d been getting better at recognizing when panic like this is coming on and what might trigger it, he’s upset that this blindsided him. Yeah I like that I think I’ll turn that into something…

Touch starved might be another Eddie one. Maybe lawsuit era, maybe post shooting where Ana is there and touches him but he just wants buck, maybe breakdown era where he doesnt see buck anymore and misses him so much but doesnt know how to ask for it, maybe just a general him getting in his head about what kind of touch he’s allowed to have? Like he and Buck casually touched and hugged more in the first season or two they were in and then got a little more distant and that could be characterized as like… in the early days Buck is a friend, its fine to pal around with your friends, but then uh oh the emotions are getting really intense now and you’re not supposed to want to touch your friends this much! Danger! What would the guys on his baseball team have said? What would his dad say? In other words Eddie Diaz Fights The Forces Of Internalized Homophobia. OR I might repurpose and finish this snippet (that I think I’ve already posted before??) about Buck coming back to the Diaz house for the first time after the tsunami

They’re in the locker room, shift over by a good ten minutes, when Eddie puts a hand on his arm. Buck, carefully, doesn’t startle or say this is the second time you’ve touched me in three months out loud.

“You wanna come over,” Eddie says, theoretically a question but presented more like a statement, and Buck should probably feel more annoyed at that except for the fact that there’s a less than zero chance he’d ever say no.

“Yeah,” he says, unnecessarily. “Sure. You want me to grab food?”

So, 40 minutes later, he’s in front of the Diaz house holding a few greasy boxes and worrying that somehow everyone’s taste in pizza has changed since the last time they did this. Eddie’s taste, probably, at nearly years old, has settled such that the most garlic-y option Buck can find is still a safe bet, but Chris is just a kid, getting bigger every day, changing all the time. Three months is an age to an eight year old, maybe pepperoni is disgusting now, embarrassing, food for babies.

So. Buck is standing on the porch, holding the boxes, biting his tongue not to cry wondering what all he might have missed when Eddie pulls into the driveway in his new big truck. He bites down harder because he doesn’t know what he’s allowed anymore, if it would be okay for him to laugh and say what the fuck are you hauling around that you need this much car, Diaz.

Sorry Eddie I will never pass up the opportunity to rage on you for your poor choice of car for city driving

[nagdabbit]

MY GIRLFRIEND'S COMMENTARY WHILE WATCHING HER FIRST AEW PPV

"my entire fitness goal is hook's shoulder-waist ratio, but with taz's extremely dense neck."

"the funniest thing about wrestling is that this fucking company is trying to make something called a stadium stampede sound both cool, AND serious."

gf: "if you cry listening to a crowd sing judas again, im divorcing you." me: "so that means youre gonna marry me." gf: "i've been bamboozled."

about brian cage: "this man is a huge dork. like, literally, i could fit me in him."

"i dunno what it is, but i would die to protect mr. hangman. he hunk, but he also baby."

thoughtfully, "i bet i could just catch you out of the air like that. i mean, i can squat you, i could probably even curl you like that, too."

because she is deeply in wrestling twitter now: "HOOK! babe, look, its hook! hook hive, rise up!"

"what i love about this feud is that all these men are fuckin' idiots. no brain cells, just shoes and fwiendship."

"what do you mean their tag team isn't just the wild boys, wtf? missed opportunity."

"those kicks are ugly, but i would steal them, too, honestly." *thirty seconds of silence layer* "for you, babe. i'd steal them for you, i mean."

"jon, no, the germs, jon, jesus christ, please dont drink that jon you dumbass."

"i love eddie, but i'm pretty sure we should never hang out. too much extremely new york energy, we would get arrested in like ten minutes. possibly less."

"diorsday device is the funniest shit ive ever fucking heard, how goddamn sad is that."

"max caster is gonna get murdered, but i love him."

"i wish bowens and his extremely attractive boyfriend the best in life."

"colt cabana and tay conti are tied for best smile in wrestling, but tay wins because i dont want colt to kick me in the face."

"penta is the only joker i formally recognize."

"today i found out that some people don't like stu and uno, and to them i say get entirely fucked."

after rush came out and i lost my entire shit: "i don't fully understand yet, but i support you." *one minute later* "oooooooooooohh. okay, yeah."

gf: "i enjoy that cody is pushing ogogo by being a dumb bitch with this america schtick." me: "you gonna say that when cody wins?" gf: "...fuck."

"ogogo got that guy ritchie movie ass music you love to see it."

"you were right about cody and i fuckin' hate it."

"aw yeah, its big boi season."

about miro: "i'm very gay, but the thing is, men with extremely jacked traps just do something to me."

"lance changed changed the color of his extensions and i appreciate that." *thirty seconds later* "are those... three crosses? tattooed on his back? jesus doesnt like murder, i don't think he likes murderhawks, either."

"britt baker is the only dentist i want in my mouth. no, wait, don't type that one!"

"oh, fuck, shidas getting teary i'm gonna fuckin cry, oh fuck, i get it now, i'm so sorry i made fun of you, i love her."

"oh fuck, shida knee me directly in the face."

"britt scares me. like the blood drip details on her gear are really cool, but i would legit believe its real blood from her."

"are you really crying about britt and the nice announcer man hugging?"

"hey, quick question, just real quick while ive got you here... why is the emo twink... like this?"

"darby's dad looks like my dad, and i'll never be okay with that."

"i like that darby just yeets himself around like that. he came in like a wrecking ball. a tiny, tiny wrecking ball."

"sting just tossing his son around the ring like that is very good, but, sir, that's bad parenting."

"the thing about sky and page is that these are the suburb guys i beat up at the beach on summer vacation. they have big "i robbed these guys at the pier" energy."

"damn, darby just feels his emotion with his entire face, doesnt he."

"okay explain the gambling thing and WHY it's a thing."

"orange rolling into the ring is so fucking good, that man is national treasure."

after me showing her the video of younger orange cassidy shitfaced and holding a fish for no reason: "i am shocked and appalled that you're only showing me this now."

after explaining the history of the jansport: "the range of this dumbass."

"i get that kenny is good and all, but his hair really fucks me up. it's upsettingly bad and i hope he knows that."

"pac is just. so much muscle. flippy beef man. a meateor." she did specify how to spell it for the joke because it was important.

"that man is a weeb, isnt he."

"something about a man breaking a hold by putting his hands in his pockets really gets me hype."

"fuck just murder omega and be done i hate this, put it on the beef man or the juicey boy already."

"babe, ill be right back i gotta murder this callis bitch."

screaming, "THAT'S MY FAVORITE REF, YOU UGLY FUCK!"

after kenny won: "i fucking hate wrestling, this is bullshit."

"holy fuck, babe, i forgot mark henry was a wrestle boy! i know him from the olympics!"

"hey, is mark henry bigger than large paul?"

"mjf is a dumb bitch and i love him."

"hey, quick question, who thought repelling down the stadium would look cool, they're so far away."

"there's wardlow, my sweet boy. this is cool now."

she laughed for a solid two minutes at tony schiavone saying, "here comes the little guy."

"i fuckin hate hager. kill him wardlow, kill that crispy maga ass bitch."

"okay what's with the chairs." *after a brief explanation of the chairshot heard round the world* "and, like, he can't just pick a new gimmick? it's been two years, bro. move on, shes not coming back."

"okay, i admit that this is great and i love it, kill that old man on the dancefloor."

upon learning this is technically the main event: "you mean it's over after this? theyre ending the show on THIS? not the triple threat match, this?"

"i just noticed mjf's bedazzled jeans, i'm not angry anymore, this is perfect."

"no, more wardlow. gimme the beef."

"christ, sammy guevara is kinda incredible and i'm fuckin angry about it. why cant inner circle be just sammy and santana and ortiz, fuck the other two."

"no, shut up! i refuse to sing along to this! whats wrong with you?! this is a bad song!"

[stellarstacey]

A buddie prompt: Buck being emotionally abused by everyone in the firefam and one they take it to far, they find a note taped to his locker with apologies and an explanation about the law suit and they all realize how much they messed up , when eddie goes to beg for forgiveness he doesnt get it for a few months (also and angry athena and maddie) pleasee i love your work

(This is a super hard prompt for me because I just love my firefam and I know that they would never intentionally hurt Buck...but here we go.)

Five days...five days and all he got was barked orders and stony stares. They weren't being down right mean but they were definitely standoffish and chilly. Buck hated it. He understood their frustration with the lawsuit but he had dropped it. The worst was Eddie... He was actually kinda being a dick. Hen and Chim just ignored him and Bobby gave him all the grunt work but Eddie...Eddie made sly comments. It was one comment that had pushed him over the edge.

"Damn, what I wouldn't do to have Lena back. She could work the jaws better than anyone." Eddie smirked at Chim as Buck tore open the door to the car with the jaws...

Fuck that hurt.

That night Buck called Lena up...they exchanged numbers at the smashing place. It was only temporary... Until things cool down.

--

Eddie walked into the locker room and froze when he saw Bosco at Buck's locker.

"What are you doing here?" Eddie asked as he frowned at her as she put tape over Buck's nameplate.

"Buck was nice enough to do a transfer with me since I live closer to this station." Lena shrugged and Eddie heard a gasp and turned to see a stunned Chim behind him.

"That's not funny." Eddie scoffed and Lena frowned at him.

"I'm being serious. He called me last night. We arranged it with our chiefs. Oh, he wanted me to give you guys this." Lena said handing them a envelope.

Hen walked in with a frazzled Bobby.

"The chief just told me that Buck transfered?" Bobby asked in slight shock but Eddie was already tearing open the letter.

"Hey guys, I know you are probably annoyed about the whole transfer thing but I think we need to take a break from each other for a while. My whole life revolves around the 118 and I've come to realize how unhealthy that is. I need to be able to branch out. Figure out who I am apart from the 118. It's not healthy for my mental state to feel destroyed on the inside because I'm not included in a conversation or two. I've come to depend on you guys as a support system and not coworkers and that is not professional. Lena is great and I know she will have your backs in any situation. Buck." Eddie finished and glared down at the letter.

"What a fucking drama queen!" Eddie snarled throwing the letter to the floor and stomping out.

The whole shift Eddie was pissed while the rest of the team was sad and trying to figure out how to get Buck back. Eddie found himself after his shift at Lena's station... He saw Buck laughing with a young firefighter. The young guy had a hand on Buck's arm...oh hell no!

"Buckley!" Eddie called out and Buck winced and whispered something to the other firefigther before jogging over to Eddie.

"You shouldn't be here, man." Buck frowned and Eddie glared.

"I got your point, I was a dick. I'm sorry. Let's end whatever this is alright. Come back." Eddie crossed his arms.

Buck sighed. "I can't." Buck whispered.

Edie frowned. "What do you mean you can't?" Eddie asked feeling the bile rise.

"It's not healthy, man." Buck mumbled and Eddie scoffed.

"We're family." Eddie tried but Buck sighed.

"I thought we were at one time...hell I thought we were becoming something more..." Buck gestured between them causing Eddie to swallow a lump.

"But we aren't and I can't take one more hit. I gotta...I gotta breathe for a bit." Buck said and Eddie bit his lip.

"Do you want me to beg? I will fucking get on my knees, Evan." Eddie whispered and Buck fought back tears.

"This isn't a goodbye, Eddie. It's a see you later." Buck reassured and Eddie sighed as the alarm went off.

Buck gave him a look before rushing off.

--

5 months. That's how long Buck has been gone. Eddie hadn't seen his best friend in 5 months. Buck had made sure of it making sure their schedules always clashed and the worst was that Christopher got to see him all the time. Buck would go over when he wasn't working knowing that Eddie was. He got his Buck news for his kid. It sucked! Eddie was trying though...After two months of just fighting and anger Bobby had sent him to talk to a therapist...It took two sessions for him to come to terms with the fact that he was in love with his best friend. Eddie walked into the station on autopilot. He entered the locker room and threw off his shirt violently and shoved it roughly into his locker.

"Has that shirt personally offended you in some way?" A familiar amused voice called out from behind him.

Eddie froze before turning around to see Buck already in his uniform.

"Guess whose back, back again..." Buck started impersonating Enimen but Eddie shoved him against a locker and crashed his lips against Buck's.

He felt Buck tense for a second before he started kissing him back.

"If you ever even think about leaving me again, I will chain to my bed." Eddie growled as he kissed down Buck's neck.

Buck laughed. "You should know that threatening to chain me to your bed is actually a turn on." Buck laughed and Eddie sighed.

"Dios mio...I missed you mi amor." Eddie sighed into Buck's neck.

"I missed you too, älskling." Buck whispered and Eddie stared at him.

"Swedish?" Eddie asked in slight awe and Buck blushed.

"Yeah since your half Swedish I figured...I probably butchered it..." Eddie cut him off with a kiss.

(Well that was a bit more fluffy then you probably wanted sorry :/)

[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins

Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.

ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.

Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.

This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.

Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.

RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!

We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!

Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.

Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.

Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.

Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.

REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:

THE FIRST DATE RULES

Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.

This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.

For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.

My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)

Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.

Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.

Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)

Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.

BACK TO THE HOUSE

The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.

Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.

Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*

Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.

Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.

Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.

Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.

Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.

MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.

Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.

Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.

GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!

They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.

Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.

Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.

Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.

Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.

Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.

MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.

Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.

Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.

Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic

Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.

Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.

THE DATE

Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.

Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.

GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!

Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.

Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.

Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.

Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.

MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.

Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.

The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.

*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*

They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.

And lookie here: No match. So thats done.

Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.

Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.

We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.

Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.

MATCH CEREMONY

This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.

First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.

Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.

Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.

Casandra picks Kaylen.

Caroline picks Joey.

Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.

Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.

Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.

Hannah picks Michael.

Alicia picks Andre.

Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.

Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.

Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.

Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.

So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.

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from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins