#which is DEPRESSING im DEPRESSED
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SO close to a true breaking point with work wow
#nothing in particular this morning just the realization that#any little thing could just make me like. burst into tears#im so goddamn tired#i started feeling burnt out in november#and its only gotten worse lately#and only VERY recently. like this week. has anything started to change#but bruh the damage is fucking done#im exhausted and hate doing the work im doing and the clients we work with#but the worst part is that the work just drains me of energy and creativity#i dont want to do anything when im homr#it makes me want to cancel plans and just spend my few sacred days off lying around to recover#which is DEPRESSING im DEPRESSED#i want to have fun and enjoy myself but yall it is hard rn and im Suffering#i want to lie down for 72 hours straight
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i'm ready to try
#This drawing is kind of personal to me#I recently graduated (CUM LAUDE WOOOO!!!!) and its like. not to get depressing#but when i was younger i was never sure whether i would make it to this point#When i was going through what i consider to still be like. the worst time of my entire life#This fictional character was there for me and she was something for me to latch onto and cope with#eGem helped me a lot with being able to process my emotions at the time but also helped me to reflect on myself#which i think is a big reason as to why I'm really happy with where i am with myself right now#I'm going off to uni next school year to study astronomy!!! which!!!#Im also doing because of eGem!!! She ignited this kind of childlike wonder for space for me#I love doing math and physics and whilst Im still a bit scared because. honestly i don't know whether this is what i want to do with my lif#I think i'll be okay either way#either way i wanted to draw egem again even if i haven't done so in a while because its like#i think i wouldnt be who i am without her. i think i'd be a lot worse off#so like. thank you empires smp thank you geminitay thank you egem This drawing is me expressing my gratitude#AND THANK YOU AUTISM!#empires smp#empires smp s1#empiresblr#esmp#geminitay#art#fanart#alice.art#mcyt#mcytblr#song is andromeda by weyes blood... obv.. you guys know me by now :oP
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a glass sun 1/2
#my art#my stuff#this is really fucking long so im gonna have to break it up into multiple reblogs#(howling) WAUGHHHHHHH#i love aishang by xiaoshiguniang#i love to implicate my alma mater in my art about being gay in the shittiest most conservative corner of singaporean society#by some terrible trick of fate i ended up in the conservative chinese christian cishet circuit from primary school to end of hs#obviously i am not most of these things but there i was. Depressed#and there i was after that at Liberal Arts College. the 4 years i spent there were a clusterfuck#but like a good and outrageous and lively clusterfuck#and i graduated in may this year and when i came back it was for the first time in 10 months. it was like. what da hell#like i love being here in specific ways but there is also the pain of being seen as something you're not constantly#can i blame them? i ask myself this every day. for most of my ex classmates and relatives i Am the only not cis person they know#idk my lottery number was bad this corner of society really is that bad#and so its like. idk dawg anyway i aint offering solutions but u get it like it fucks with your head to be misgendered either which way 24/#but to leave them behind would be to leave the only people who knew me for the first 19 years behind. and thats a lot of my life#i am 23!!!!!! ough#anyway. whatever. if u liked it i have a ko-fi#reblogos appreciated
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Who's the "real" me?
+ some references for the Rise-related things I included <3
#im reaaaally happy with this one hehe i had fun putting the stuff from different things shes had/worn#i feel like ppl overlook the massive identity crisis & the accompanying depression & internal conflict rise is going through during the gam#like shes trying to figure out who she is seperate from her idol image (which she constantly still clings to despite her insistance that sh#s done with it bc she does still crave that recognition and attention she got from that position. she literally breaks down crying when her#manager tells her kanami has taken her acting role and is more-or-less set to take her spot now)#and then she also struggles with finding what she wants to do with herself now that she doesnt have showbiz to worry about#i think she kinda unintentionally uses the investigation as an anchor for her to hold onto#something to keep her busy in the absence of the hustling idol life#and then she also like. again she keeps clinging to the idol image and the associated bubbly-ness and bold flirtation#because thats the ''her'' ppl liked#i dont think the way she acts during the game is ENTIRELY an act theres definitely a lot of her true self in it too#but she does have a lot of moments where she leans more heavily into the bubbly & flirty cutie act#her sl shows that for all that she wanted to retire from showbiz she isnt really ready just yet#bc she did actually enjoy being an idol. she did enjoy being able to reach out to people in this way & to finally have ppl like & accept he#the problem is she doesnt know who ''she'' is at this point#im rambling but u get my point. yeah. yeah#rise..............#rise kujikawa#persona#persona 4#p4#art#my art#xanders art#digital art#fan art
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zenos, but he's getting spammed by his weirdly tech savvy great-grandfather.
#sketch#wip#ffxiv#zenos yae galvus#garlean communicators but some of them are just really sturdy flip phones#man's just trying to train in peace before his phone starts exploding#this is also spawned from me remembering how tech savvy zenos himself is implied to be lol#he can probably drive- he can pilot- and we've seen him fix/salvage one of the machines before-- im giving him a phone#but it's also just one of those “zenos is a self made prodigy” kind of things that I really enjoy#which makes the decision of dropping the old model of the garlean reaper in Ala Mhigo kinda funny to me#we really mightve just stolen this man's depression fixer-upper#(but also a little sad because it makes me think that he's tried --a lot-- of things trying to make himself happy and it just never worked)#theres probably a lot of things he knows how to do but just doesnt bother with them anymore
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I got. thoughts. about valens and voices in imperial roman history. but I also got a lot of thoughts about uhhhhhh choosing your brother for co ruling the Fratricide Foundation Story Empire. many thoughts about themistius' oration too
Brotherly Love, Themistius (trans. Peter Heather & David Moncur)
⭐ places I’m at! bsky / pixiv / pillowfort /cohost / cara.app / insta
#it's also the Incest-Cannibalism Empire but that's a discussion for a different blog#all of the heavy hitters were Incest Empires btw. that's a feature of Empire across all of time. not always Cannibalism tho. TRAGIC.#but rome specifically being the Fratricide&Stuprum Empire is funny AND makes parts of this speech feel. uh. UHHHHH.#feels like you're trying to overwrite history and while you succeeded ONCE the uncle-nephew antagonism with a body count#somehow feels worse????? feels worse. i dont like anything that happened to valentinian 2#anyway. as a result: i personally will be including the bigamy accusations against valentinian into my belief system#stuprum babyyyyy! a requirement for every emperor! valens is lacking here so valentinian has to pick up the slack#valens will be giving me an opening to fire shots at figures in christianity i dislike which is honestly better than scandalous sex#later roman empire tag#komiks tag#brother emperors tag#IF. you missed my brother emperors posting. the head in hands thing here is meant to be a little bit offputting on account of#valentinian being valens' imperial maker. that's a life in your hands. overtures of fratricide. etc. you get the point#whatever other subtext you want to apply to it from the subtext spice cabinet. im not picky. this was a quick comic i did#to shake off the depression cobwebs lmao. eventually i'll style guide this era and do comics with more intentional thought later
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sometimes i think about how nendo, kaido, saiki, (and sometimes kuboyasu but usually only when associated with them) are canonically the losers of PK and people actively dislike them, talk bad about them, make rumors about them, etc.
#which is crazy because theyre known to be besties with teruhashi and hairo#literally like. the most popular people at school ?#which like. i also get that this is even part of the reason saiki is disliked#but people dislike and even straught up bully him even before he and teru are known to be friends#but nobody ever thinks 'hey maybe theyre chill!' since the most loved people in school love them?#im so sorry saiki lmao#idk i just feel like people dont talk enough about the fact that even though he tries his fucking best to be so average and unnoticed-#he still gets fucking BULLIED ? like that is so depressing lol#anime onlys dont get to see it as much</3#saiki k#tdlosk#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#kaido shun#nendo riki#meows post
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lady amber my beloved
#mine#rote#fitz and the fool#amber i would die for u#this was going to be a fools quest beloved but unfortunately the short hair was rlly bad so shdhsdbd#au in which everything is the same but beloved kept their beautiful long locks#honestly fools quest is simultaneously the hardest and funniest rote book to read#like on the one hand everything is awful. on the other hand people hve told fitz hes cringe for being depressed like 5 times its so funny#also when fool said ash made a convincing girl and fitz said 'you would know' FITZ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i screamed girl ur so funny#anyway . this drawing gave me so much grief i drew it last week and only this evening had time 2 colour it ooooaug#moving tomorrow good lord !!! im not convinced i can get everything in the car but my mum says we can so.....i believe her i guess#im so stresed. also i think my printer is just going to be like. raw dogging it in th car bc we dont hve a box big enough so KJBKSDJBK#anyway hve a nice evening!
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I think we should all disregard that these requests were from April C:
@sun-marie @kirikitsune
#fe fates#xander#camilla#september is drawing to a close and im SO excited bc september is my depression month#i can already feel my mood improving#though it might have helped that i went for like a 2 hour walk today ? which is why im drawing / posting so late#i say late as if i have a scheduled posting time or like i havent posted way later before#it just feels late to me#not actually taking reqs currently ! as said these are from april when i was taking reqs#im also excited someone super cool bought conquest and gets to experience the nohrian siblings bc i am truly nohrian scum#idk why but i like drawing camilla with dragon like slits in her eyes but then just ? no other nohrian sib gets those honors#except obviously corn who also deserves them
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“i feel like i’m faking my disorder until i remember i’m experiencing symptoms alone in my room where there’s no one to be faking for” …you mean you guys don’t have an imaginary audience that lives in your head and likes to make judgmental commentary??
#im faking for the audience <3#this is only kind of a joke#not really a joke at all#no clue which mental illness the audience belongs to#ro speaks#mental illness#anxiety#avpd#cptsd#what else do i have?#depression#doubt it’s the depression causing this tho#im just gonna tag the rest of the pds as well bc yall are cool#stpd#szpd#ppd#bpd#npd#aspd#hpd#dpd#ocpd
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stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!
wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end
#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh#some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2#recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person#and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety#like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that#my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms#UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child#so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had#a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time#which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem!#its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it#and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome'#instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems!#anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now!#house md#hilson#greg house#james wilson#stacy warner
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Sleeping on a sofa rn, anyone have a bed I can borrow 😉😋
#not the first time I'll spend a week on somebody else couch#friends moved away a while back so im at thier place rn#theyre nor rly my friends tho r they#theyre the guy who im sleeping withs friends#i dont have friends#which is fine ig#makes it easier when they go away ykno#im being depressing#and i have issues#mine#me#selfie#alternative#alt#blonde#glasses#girl#boy#couch surfing
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Happy
#house md#gregory house#james wilson#hilson#screencap#s03e22 “Resignation”#s04e11 “Frozen”#what an insult#before every conversation about happiness became depressing (which im sucker for as well)#“in a lavender shirt” line lives rent-free in my mind
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House's tendency to rationalize feelings away and being frustrated at himself for still feeling them. It's hurting me 😢
At the end of 05x04 Birthmarks he did a paternity test... And even after it turned out that John wasnt his father, he was still drinking his whiskey, because it didn't mean anything that John wasn't his biological father, because things are still the same.
He's still sad, he's still depressed. The dipshit of a man passing still made him sad. And the thought that he can't even rationalize it away as hatred upsets him. And so he drinks.
And to that Wilson said no one can choose their parents... Because House rejects John as his paternal figure and yet deep inside, House still called him his dad.
#i think everything he said at John's eulogy was real. he meant every word#of course if his mother wasnt there he would be a lot meaner#but he meant it.#house pushes people away because hes scared of being hurt#hes an asshole because nobody connects with an asshole and thus everyone is at arms length at best#and yet when people leave him he still mourns#his ducklings from season 3#wilson in season 5#and even that dipshit of a man john house#and idk its. it makes me sad#it just doesnt have to be this way#i want him to chase happiness and i want him to be happy#instead he just refuses it because happiness is associated with pain#because everyone leaves him in the end#im so sad#house md#gregory house#greg house#doctor house#not to say that people cant reject their parents and feel no remorse for their death#its just that house... that sensitive man#that depressed fearful man#he cant do that. because deep down he craves that connection#he wishes his father were better. he wishes he was the man his father wanted him to be#which makes it even more painful to observe
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Alright I love love love Skizz but why did people for FALSE & Skizz instead of False & H???? What???
It is because False gets overlooked even in a False centric poll. This is a pattern. Also sorry for using your ask as a vent post lol.
I love Skizz and his energy, I think he's awesome with people, he is certainly good at the whole "duo thing" buuuut this is not a Skizz duo poll. Or even a Hermitcraft duo poll. It is a False duo poll. I think people voted for Skizz because of Skizz, not False, or even Skizz-False. Like yeah it was funny when Skizz held False hostage in the charity event. But are people voting for moments like that or do they just like Skizz in general?
This was also what I was trying to see with the False MCC poll— 17 is of course iconic as a whole, and especially for Grian, and I would definitely rank it very high in a Hermit MCC poll (possibly right behind Blue9, sorry Orange10). But False had better performances in 29 and 10, and 9 had better chemistry than 17 because she didn't really get spoken over in 9. Or 10 and 29. (Whereas in 17 it was a Thing enough for Pete to mention it afterwards apparently.) 17 has cool False moments of course— SG the one I remember the most— but people don't really bring that up. So did people vote for 17 in a False centric poll because they liked False's performance in 17 and overall team chemistry (things related to and influenced by False) or because they like 17 in general?
It is not that deep but also seeing False's diminishing relevance in the mainstream HC fandom over the years is kinda... disappointing. Someone who's never watched a hermit on MCCReddit will mention False Supremacy. HBomb's chat loves False. Like I don't even know what happened?? False has been posting regularly, always have, she does her builds and collabs and pranks and infrastructure, she won the first event of the season, outsiders love her, and...? Like don't we love our slay cool #girlboss queen of hearts? Or does she need a different fanon archetype now? The mischievous prankster? The silly wet cat? The healer type who loves animals and gives them stupid names? The competitive warrior? Would you still love me when I'm no longer the designated girlboss of the group or whatever
Like ok yeah this is me being bitchy and a gatekeeper and False isn't even the most underrated hermit and she gets her share of love in fanart and stuff but yeah I've noticed the decline. You've got Redditors mentioning Empires people in the crossover in response to someone asking about Empires but not mentioning one hermit who was actually also in Empires. You've got people talking about "Hermitgals" but they replace False and Stress with Lizzie. You've got the fallout of Demise 2. You've got Redditors talking about Rendoc in relation to Ren like his only relevance is being Doc's friend/collab buddy when False exists and she's his favourite hermit. And you've got the False duo poll. Won't even go into the view counts/ sub counts because that's depressing for what feels like at least a third of the hermits (Cubfan you deserve way more). Doesn't feel good.
Back in 2020/21 she got shat on and her achievements ignored by some DSMP fans and now the same thing is happening but it's worse because it's from some HC fans. The call is coming from inside the house. And once again False isn't even the most overlooked hermit. For example Iskall STILL gets horrific hate comments about how he doesn't "deserve" to be a hermit because he plays VH more.
Hermitcraft is popular. I wish the other third of it is more popular.
#salt#negativity#ill be honest this is one of the reasons (aka the main reason) i dont feel as invested in mcyt as a whole anymore#which means i need to get off the fandom and just watch vids for my enjoyment but its sooo everywhere#the view counts the comments blah blah blah#and im sitting here like Okay I am the problem for not contributing to the view count and not chatting enough and making more propaganda#and making more fanfic and more posts and talking more to spread it like it's me i am the problem it's me#like obviously not but idk. stats are depressing. comparison is depressing#went on socialblade once. never again#i'm evil for whining about people not caring and then also caring less myself. idk skill issue#also doesnt help that mcyt is a fast moving fandom and i dont have that much time anymore#ask box#answered#long post
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"From triumph to failure is but one step."
+ the usual
I love when I can include paper sketches in the process gif. It's very satisfying to see it progress from a very vague imagining of what was in my head to the finished project.
+ version without text
My favorite sketch was definitely the one where I actually put in words what it's supposed to convey. I wouldn't usually write that down, cause it's all in my head, but it was useful to do so when sending it to other people. I'll go into it more but here it is just as a teaser:
Lmao first of all, I like how I was teasing "Spanish GP" art, but as per usual, it's just thinly veiled au art. IM SORRY, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN MAKING GENERAL POSTERS, THAT'S NO FUN! So instead you will get weirdly relevant matador au art. I like it a lot though, I was really shocked I was able to draw 3 different Fernandos, I mean even drawing one figure takes a lot out of me, but this was weirdly easy?? I think it's just the effect of not being burnt out anymore, and actually being able to draw with more ease makes me feel like a god.
Okay, so the text: "Fight or Flight?" I'll be honest, I don't even remember why I chose it, literally came to me in a vision 😭 But I think it's fitting with the narrative of this piece. Is it better to keep going on, keep fighting, or better to finally give up, and flee? Not that I even remotely think he should give up, but I feel like sometimes I can sense him pondering this very question. That was the big fear before he announced that he re-signed. Keep fighting and maybe, just maybe, you'll get the chance to finally go up against the bull again. Or accept it's an uphill battle and the fighting is going to keep getting more and more strenous, and maybe it's time to put down the sword. SORRY THIS IS SO ANGSTY FOR WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE "yayyyy home race!!!" Please forgive me <3
I. Renault
At some point, someone pointed out to me that I had drawn all other iterations of matador Fernando with a sword, except for Renault Fernando, and that ended up feeling very poignant to me. In a bull fighting match, they really only pull out the sword at the last minute to deliver the killing blow. So I think it's important to never draw this Fernando with a sword, because it shows the unfailing confidence and stability he has at that point. He only needs to pull out the sword at the end, as a formality almost, there's no reason for him to keep his guard up at all times.
II. Ferrari
Meanwhile this Fernando, he's considering his sword like he hasn't had to in the past. He's checking the sharpness, making sure in advance he can do what needs to be done. He's on guard, he feels like he needs to keep up his defenses at all times because he doesn't have that same amount of trust and stability anymore. He knows though he will be up against the (red) bull, at least that's never in question. At least there's the assurance he'll get the chance to fight.
III. Aston
Oh, Aston Fernando....He doesn't know whether to take up his sword or finally put it down for the last time. While at least Ferrari Fernando knows he's on constant guard against the bull, this Fernando doesn't even have that assurance anymore. He feels like he can never put down the sword, just in case he gets the chance to strike the killing blow on the bull, which feels like it's growing more and more unlikely.
Spanish flag: ? Lmao this was meant to be something to celebrate Fernando's home race and it turned very introspective whoops. Also got the Napoleon quote in there hahaha, can't escape it!! Shame though there is no French gp anymore, if so I'd probably draw an unhinged thing for it :,(
#woooo yeah totally a spanish gp poster sure sure.....#idk i cant pretend to be relevant. i just wanted to draw matadors bcs it was spain gp wknd#maybe next year ill draw him as the prince of asturias#very proud of the narrative of this though#I do think it's very relavant to the story of his career and his relationship to the spanish gp#see i even downloaded a special font! sdjkglr#also do let me know which is your fav Nando on this poster!!!! <3#even tho the aston nando is lowkey the reason behind this whole poster. im super smitten with renault nando#i wonder which fernando would be 'freeze'#also i swear one day im gonna accidentally stab myself with the big ass sword i use to take ref pics for matador au#HOPE THIS ISNT TOO SAD EVEN THO I KNOW IT IS!!!#i mean it was never really supposed to be triumphant. more just *heavy thoughts*#but the lacklustre results and the fact that i feel like i havent even seen nando that much this wknd fueled the depressing read more#i am not immune to being overly dramatic and angsty </3#hey you never know man maybe this will work as reverse psychology and he'll do well in a couple hours!! we'll see...#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.art.#matador au#2024 spanish gp#fa14
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