#can i blame them? i ask myself this every day. for most of my ex classmates and relatives i Am the only not cis person they know

[corpsentry]

a glass sun 1/2

[andrealvsbooks]

Until I Found You

“We both knew that this marriage was only on paper and the birth of Xaden is the same for me, just an obligation. I can't love a child who only reminds me of 10 ten years of lack of freedom. I must go and be happy, with the man I love and the baby I carry in my womb from him."

- Recovered Correspondence to Fen Riorson from his ex-wife, Eleanor Winters.

Shortly after Xaden saves Violet from torture and many cadets go to Aretia, Xaden arrives at a village razed by the Venin and discovers a girl who looks like her mother in the rubble.

English isn’t my first language, so if you see any mistakes or things that look weird please tell me so I can fix them.

Chapter 1

-Why? -Fen Riorson asks his wife as he looks out the window.

His voice sounded rough from all the time he had spent in silence since his wife had revealed her secret affair and pregnancy to him that morning. And there they both were at that moment, in his office, not knowing what to say, while his wife, Eleanor, just stared straight ahead with her usual expressionless expression as she stroked her belly.

-Does it matter, Fen? -asked the woman indifferently.

-Of course it matters, Eleanor! My wife has been cheating on me for I don't know how long and she hasn't even bothered to prevent a pregnancy! That was your intention, to mock me? Congratulations, you've succeeded! -Fen shouts angrily.

-Don't you dare say that, I've spent ten years of my life forgetting my feelings, giving everything to a husband and a child I don't love, counting every damn day for it to be over. Did you ever ask me how I felt? Of course you didn't. So don't you dare blame me for after almost 10 years finding love and prioritizing myself -Eleanor said calmly, as if they were talking about the weather, just as her mother had taught her since she was a little girl.

-Eleanor...I...love you.

-But I don't, and it's time you understood that a marriage is meaningless if the love is one-sided. I just...wish you could find what I found and know what love is, because this isn't -Eleanor said, her voice soft. 

-What about Xaden? I know you don't love him, but he... he adores you, Eleanor. What will I tell him when you leave next week?

-He's smart, tell him the truth, -she said coldly.

-Don't leave on his birthday, please Eleanor, I beg you, don't do this to him, he's just a boy and he's your son too- Fen pleads.

-That child is not my son, it's just a simple duty that I had no choice but to fulfill, nothing else, don't make me repeat it again. Now, if you will excuse me, I am in a hurry -said his wife with annoyance.

-Of course Eleanor, I'm sure your lover will want to know about our conversation  -said the duke sarcastically. 

-Exactly, dear husband -said his wife in a mocking tone before leaving, closing the door tightly on his way out.

And as the woman walked through the corridors she heard in her still-husband's office the glass of probably his whiskey bottles breaking.

                       ---------------------------------

March 6 was the day Fen Riorson would remember most, not only because it was the day his beloved son was born, but also because on that day his wife became a cold woman. 

From the first moment Fen was fascinated by Eleanor, and for the first few months of their marriage, even though Fen knew she did not love him, he tried to have a good relationship and for an arranged marriage that was wonderful. 

But when Eleanor stayed those pregnant attempts at a nice relationship disappeared, giving way to a cold Eleanor, as if she were an empty shell while Fen tried futilely to make her happy. The news of the pregnancy was for the young wife as if someone had poured cold water on her, although that was the purpose of the marriage. 

The birth of Xaden only reinforced that behavior, refusing to touch him when he was born and ignoring his presence. Fen thought he just needed time. He was dead wrong. 

So there they were 10 years later in the gardens of Riorson House, very early in the morning so that the Duchess's farewell would not be a spectacle. 

-You could stay until tomorrow-suggested Fen once again. 

-I don't think Xaden is too sad that I'm not here on his birthday, I haven't been with him for a long time. 

Fen just nods which surprises the woman:

-You won't insist anymore, you? Fen Riorson, resigned?

-I'm tired of fighting for what is not possible, just please go now, I don't want some servant to see you leave and Xaden to find out through gossip," said Fen looking at the horizon.

Without another word they headed for the small carriage Eleanor had chosen to go unnoticed. 

-Where will you go? -asked Fen. 

-It is enough for you to know that it is a small village in Poromiel. 

-Eleanor, you know perfectly well that the venin... -mentioned the duke worried. 

-I know how to take care of myself Fen, besides Éber knows that place very well -interrupted Eleanor referring to her lover. 

-I guess there's no point in trying to change your mind.

-No, it doesn't -agrees the woman as she climbs into the carriage. 

-Then I wish you have a good trip, my dear wife -Fen said with a sad smile. 

-Be happy Fen -Eleanor said goodbye with an exceptional true smile. 

That day a boy spent his saddest birthday to date, a man lost his beloved and a woman began to taste freedom together with her future child and the only man she had ever loved. 

Neither had any idea of all the misfortunes that would occur years later and the destinies would cross.

If anyone has any ideas for a one shot or multi chapter fanfics that are from Harry Potter, the chronicles of Narnia or the empyre saga, I'll be happy if you leave them in my question box to try to write them.

[choiseungcheolprincess]

Toxic// Park Seonghwa Smut

Ex-Boyfriend!SeonghwaxBlackFem!Reader

Summary: The universe has a sick sense of humor. One of your best friend’s exes awakes from the depths of hell and then your ex-boyfriend Park Seonghwa appears a few days later

Words: 2.3k

You know what’s toxic? That ex that the universe keeps bringing back. For example, a year ago my now ex-boyfriend broke up. We kind of lost that spark and communication. I don’t know how it slipped through our fingers. Anyway Park Seonghwa one of the most popular people on campus just so happens to be my ex, and the universe has a sick sense of humor. Now rumor has it that he moved on and I’m happy for him. I guess, but here’s the thing he’s been dating this girl for maybe five months now, yet he always seems to reappear in my life. 3 months ago we bumped into each other at a bar and flirted, and he fucked me in the bathroom of the bar then in the back seat of his car. We didn’t see each other after that night. Until my best friend Erica had spent the night with her ex-girlfriend. While she was telling me how her nights away went.  I groaned. 

“No-no-no” running my hand over my face. She stopped talking and looked at me confused.

”What are you talking about?” I sighed. 

“Every time one of your exes appears, my exes appear,” I said she laughed and shook her head snickering. I threw a pillow at her as she was walking towards the kitchen. I followed her.

“It’s not funny Erica! I’m serious. Remember three months ago an hour after you left me and went somewhere with Nichola? Seonghwa appeared and things happened.” 

“Well, you can’t blame that on me!” She almost shouted laughing. 

“No, I can’t blame that on you but the universe has a sick way of thinking since you almost indulge in your exes, mine just appears” She took a bite of her toast and then shrugged 

“Let’s hope you won’t see him tonight” I threw a piece of bread at her. 

“If Hongjoong is planning it, he’d be there” I muttered. 

The night came, Erica and I got ready. Then walked to Hongjoong’s place. We entered the house together, but I lost Erica within a few seconds of being there. Walking into the party seeing Jongho and Mingi playing beer pong with San and Wooyoung I walked over to them. Stepping through the crowd I bumped into someone,

"Oh shit I'm so sorry," I said loudly so they can hear me

"Y/n?!" I heard a familiar voice say I look up I looked up to see Park Seonghwa my ex-boyfriend with his arm wrapped around some girl.

"Seonghwa! Hey, how are you?" I asked looking over at Wooyoung who was facing me. Hoping he can save me from this awkward moment.

"I've been good! This is my girlfriend Amber." He said, she waved and smiled. I waved back. Why is he introducing me like I'm his friend? We are far from friends.  Before I could introduce myself he said "This is my Ex-girlfriend Y/n" 

My eyes widened now I'd never been put in a position like this ever in my life. I don't have an issue with her knowing about me being his ex, but it's the way he said it. Like some intent behind the statement I just stood there shocked.

"Y/n!" I heard a yell and turned my head in the direction it came from seeing it was Wooyoung who then came over and grabbed me pulling me away from the weird encounter.

"What was that about?"

"I don't know"

Looking behind me, eyes meeting he smiled and winked at me then continued doing whatever he was doing. The whole time I couldn't stop thinking about him. I expect to see him here. Jongho handed me a drink and I graciously took it. Deciding that maybe after tonight I may not see him again and I'm okay with that. I was too busy dancing with Yunho and Mingi and kind of drunk having the time of my life when it hit me that I had to use the bathroom. 

“Everything okay?” Mingi asked I nodded and told him that I’d be back I just had to go to the bathroom. I walked away climbed the stairs walking to the bathroom, avoiding bumping into the bodies crowding the hallway once I got into the bathroom and went to close the door a foot stopped the door from closing.

“Uh excuse me,” I said opening the door to reveal Seonghwa standing there with a smirk on his face. 

“What could you possibly want? You wanna watch me use the bathroom because that’s the reason I came in here.” I said before backing up to close the door, but he pushed through and walked in closing the door and locking it behind him. 

“How you been baby?” He asked grabbing my hips and trapping me between him and the sink. My eyes narrowed as I pushed him away. 

“Been better, now get out” I said glaring, he grinned stepping closer to me. I put my hand up stopping him in his tracks. 

“Isn’t your girlfriend somewhere looking for you? Why don’t you go find her” 

“Why should I when the person I’m looking for is right in front of me” I groaned. 

“Last time was a mistake, never happening again you need to get over it, I’m not the side piece especially not for you,” I said opening the door again, but this time to find another bathroom, Luckily for me I remembered that Jongho had a bathroom in his room. When I was finished in the bathroom I left Jongho’s room and walked through the house when someone grabbed me and pulled me into a room. 

“You hurt my feelings” I rolled my eyes. Folding my arms across my chest. 

“Maybe you should go tell Amber how much your feelings are hurt,” I said. He leaned in feeling his breath on my lips. He stepped closer, making me back up he stepped closer. I kept backing up until I hit the wall. 

“Tell me you don’t miss me..and I’ll walk away,” He whispered fitting his face in my neck I didn’t say anything. My heart was racing, He placed a kiss on my neck. 

“Seonghwa..” I whispered he hummed hands on my hips. His fingers dug into my skin. Making me whimper at the sweet pain. 

“She’s nothing like you baby girl. Will never be able to make me feel the way I feel when I’m with you.” I snapped out of the trance he put me under. 

“I don’t miss you Seonghwa…You moved on remember. There’s a girl out there who is most likely looking for you. I’m not yours anymore, we’ve made that clear multiple times” He backed away listening to my words, and nodded allowing me to leave the room I left and walked to the living room finding Yunho looking for me. 

“Where did you go?” He asked 

“There was a line so I went to Jongho’s bathroom instead” He nodded and offered me another drink when I said I’d rather have water he nodded and guided me back to our friends.

    It was 1:00 when I got home and I was currently sitting on the couch in nothing but a shirt and underwear watching 'White Collar' and eating a burger and some fries Erica texted and said that she ran into her last situationship and wanted to have some fun with them. So I’m alone enjoying the quiet and the pretty man named Neal Caffery on my TV screen when my phone rang. Not paying attention to caller ID I answered.

"Open the door" Was all I got when I answered the phone I walked to the door opening it. There he was panting, hanging up the phone still looking at Seonghwa he stepped in I took a step back. He growled kicking the door closed grabbing me pushing my back against it kissing me. His kiss was rough and full of need. My mind clouded and the only thing that was on it was him. How much I missed him. How much my body craved him.

"Fuck, I miss you bunny" He groaned against my lips grinding against me. Biting his lip I pulled away panting.  Staring in his eyes they were filled with lust.

"Prove it," I said he grabbed my hand pulling me toward my bedroom.  I followed him eagerly, my heart pounding. When we reached my room he pushed me against the wall and kissed me passionately. His lips were soft and warm, and I felt my body melt into his. He pulled back to take my shirt off and kissed down my chest where his hands fondled my tits. Pinching and pulling at my nipples. I gasped when his lips wrapped my left nipple licking, sucking, and biting on it. He pulled away again taking me with him. I laid down on the bed legs spread awaiting him. He took me in eyes zoning in on my covered cunt. 

“I love how responsive your body is bunny,” He said kneeling on the bed taking a finger, and running over my cunt, I sighed. He leaned forward attaching his lips to my right nipple. He moved my underwear to the side and slid his fingers up and down my clit collecting my arousal. He kissed down my body and stopped at my thighs.

“So fucking gorgeous..” He muttered thrusting his fingers into me. I moaned out as he curled his fingers. He just groaned as he watched me grind down onto his fingers. 

“You missed this don’t you baby? Look at how you taking my fingers” He said his thumb circling my clit and fingers curling against my g-spot. He knows just what to do, how to manipulate my body just right. With trusting in and out of me and his thumb rubbing my clit I felt my stomach tighten. 

“Seonghwa, I’m gonna-” Before I could even finish he pulled away making me whimper at the loss. He just looked down at me biting his lip stripping out his clothes and getting back on the bed in between my legs, grabbing my hips and pulling me towards him. The tip of his cock running through my lips. 

“Fuck, baby you feel so good. Meant just for me. Nobody can fuck you as good as I can” He said sliding into me my back arched as I gasped out. He just smirked. I forgot how big he is. He started slowly, inch by inch until he was fully in me. He didn’t move until I grinded down on him, he started a gentle pace. 

“She doesn’t feel as you as you do Y/n..She doesn’t fuck me back like y-fuuck..you do” He groaned out slowly picking up speed. His lips wrapped around my nipple again before he pulled away lifting my legs and placing them on his shoulder changing the angle of his fucking me.

“Shit shit shit!” I moaned out my hands grabbing at his thigh. Hitting my spot over and over again. He slowed his pace down away making sure I felt every stroke from him. I couldn’t take it. 

“Seonghwa, please” I moaned he chuckled and then moaned when I tightened around him 

“You gonna cum bunny?” He moaned out picking up the pace again placing his thumb on my clit and rubbing it. 

“Yes, so fucking close,” I said my core tightening I was so close to the most earth-shattering orgasm ever. 

“Right there, just like that baby” I called out, I was riding on the fucking edge 

“Cum for me bunny” Was all it took to push me right over. He leaned down to kiss my neck. 

“Fuck you feel so good can you give me another one Y/n..” He said still thrusting into me I moaned legs shaking. Pushing him away he backed up confused. Until I pointed to the bed. He laid down and I straddled him. He placed his hands on my hips as I reached down lining him up and sinking on his big cock. 

“Oh shit” I moaned out. I slowly started to rock my hips back and forth. I looked down at him, watching how his face just contorted in pleasure. Leaning down to kiss him before I placed my feet firmly on the bed and started to bounce up and down. 

“Yeaah, bounce on my dick baby, just like that fuck” He said spanking me. I tighten around him. 

“Oh, you like that bunny? You like it when I spank you?” He said spanking me again and thrusting up into me. 

Yess, I like it, fuck!” I called out.  I kept going, riding him harder and harder until I felt my body start to shake and my orgasm come on strong. 

“Cum with me bunny,” He said leaning up to suck and bite my skin leaving marks anywhere he can. I screamed out in pleasure and collapsed on top of him. We both lay there, panting and exhausted.

“I broke up with her…” He said 

I gasped. "What did you just say?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper. "I broke up with her," he said again, his voice even softer. I looked at him in shock, my heart pounding in my chest.

“It’s not fair to her if all I’m thinking about is you if I’m in a relationship with a different person. I know we didn’t work out, but maybe, just maybe, we can try?” He said his eyes full of hope. I kissed him my heart pounding even harder. "Yes," I muttered against his lips. 

I laid my head on his chest once we pulled away. We laid there for a while before I said

“Uhh, I like cockwarming and all, but I think I would like to get cleaned up” He laughed before allowing me to get up, he followed me to the bathroom where we used the bathroom washed up, and went to bed.

[4ln-stay8]

Behind closed doors- part III

>summary: Han isn’t too happy to find out what his sister is doing lately

>author’s note: I don’t know how I feel about it but I thought the idea was nice ig… I can also take requests if you want to haha THIS IS THE LAST PART

>warning: fluff

>pairing: lee minho x han jisung's sister

On that night you and Jisung bonded again, healing the wounds you caused each other. You finally got your brother back after weeks of ignoring each other.

He made a plan to redeem himself and fix what he broken. Han was regretting the way he made the both of you feel.

Thats why, little to your knowledge, you were outside the JYPE company after weeks of refusing to go there, with some food Jisung asked you to bring. He told you he had dance practice today and that he forgot his snacks and he was feeling a bit edgy today.

To your surprise, the man you were meeting behind the dance studio door wasn’t your brother. It was your lover, well technically ex lover.

- Hi! you said with a little voice I am looking for Jisung!

- He is at the dorm today. He has a day off!

- Oh…. He didnt tell me…

- How are things between you? he asked with a voice so little you could barely hear it

- We are ok now. He is being nice lately. How about you two? Did everything go back to normal?

-Not really. It’s really awkward between us… He- I can see how guilty he feels about it all and I felt guilty too for a while. We forgave each other but I can still see the guilt in his eyes…

-Yeah he still feels guilty about it all. I see it too. But please don’t hold a grudge against him.

-I don’t. I don’t blame him as I would’ve probably done the same, but his guilt wont change the fact that I lost you!

-I am so sorry Min! I know you hate me, god I hate myself! But please, please try to work things put with him.

- Who said I hate you? God I love you way too much to even think about hating you!

-You do?

-Would it change anything if I would?

-It would change everything Min! You whispered softly

-I do! I love you so much I dressed your pillow in your shirt and hugged it every night before sleep! I love you so much that you are the only thing on my mind. I love so so much that I cannot even breathe without you being right by my side!

Without a second thought you dropped the bag of snack that you still had in your hand, along with your bag and ran straight into his arms, collapsing your lips on his.

He hold you so close and so tight as if he was scared you’d disappear. He kissed you back so passionately until you ran out of breath.

-I love you so so much too Min! You whispered between your breaths hugging him closer to you

Minho kissed you softly again and again and again until you heard giggles from the door. You slowly break away, turning to the door.

-I guess my plan worked? said a shy Han

-I don’t know, was your plan to get your sister to kiss me?

- I- it was supposed to get you back together… Didn’t it worked? You just kissed I thought-

- We did kiss Ji, but that doesn’t mean he will give me another chance.

- Thats not even a question jagiya! You’re all mine from now on! All mine only mine! said Minho kissing your temple

-Well then I guess your plan worked Ji!

- Are you ok with me dating your sister Hanjishi?

-I know I was a brat last time, but honestly I would rather have someone I trust date her than someone who will break her heart!

-Thank you Ji! You said running to hug him

-Just so you know Minho hyung, you hurt her and I’m going for your babies! said han with a serious tone

-I wouldn’t even dare to hurt her! And by the way, Im not letting you near Soonie Doognie or Dori ever again!

You laugh at the most important boys in your life. You were happy again! You made up with your brother, you got back together with the love of your life! Life was good again because your life was back into your arms!

Author’s note:

This is the last part. Its short but I didn’t feel the story the way I felt it at the start. I gave them the ending they deserved and I hope you guys like it even a little. Its not the best story and Im not the best writer, I can’t even call myself a writer lol, but I enjoyed writing it so I will continue to write stuff. My requests are open if you have any ideas you want to share, even if its a written story or a fake text scenario. I hope you guys liked it and you’ll hear from me soon

[pynkricee]

Permanent Red Stain: Part 3

(WARNING: TAGS: Slutty, Choso smut, bossy choso, sexy choso , 18+, Rough Sex. Unprotected sex, fluff)

KyiGo, is a woman in her 30's, divorced from her ex after 5 years of marriage, leaving her with a two year old daughter to raise. After a year of being single, trying to find self-love and her self-worth again, she finally wanted to step back out into the world and discover something worth wild. From understanding her hatred to understanding the person that it turned her into, she will always try and do what's best for her baby girl. Even if it meant sacrificing her happiness? Even if that may mean stepping into a new love she never imagined? Or breaking the cycle of being afraid to love again....

“So….what would you say to letting me take you out?” -Choso 

“So..Did you fuck her yet?”

“No…Gojo..’DAMNIT’! How many times are you going to fucking ask me that?” Satoru Gojo was the type that gave no fucks when it came to sexual emotion. He was pretty swift at personally turning his emotions off when it came to certain women. Probably because he was hurt so much, and most of it was due to the way he looked and how he carried himself. From my understanding and the little things he's said to be, Sato had a habit of keeping his guard up even if he felt like he was in a position to make the best out of a bad relationship. That was just him. He was waiting for the right one. 

 Gojo, stood 6’2, blonde, blue eyes and he was a sweet soul. He mostly stayed to himself and worked everyday, every week.  He was the official type who liked his peace and so did I. That was probably one of the only things that we had in common. 

“Until you tell me that you fucked her….” Gojo was my boy and one of the only people that I actually associated myself with. Satoru was a soft man...and he tried to hide it with everything fiber in his being. Coming to the tattoo shop was a way I could tell that he released his steam from his everyday life.  Not that I could blame him for it because I used to be in the same position he was in emotionally. 

Preparing my ink needles for tomorrow's appointments, I decided to close up shop early tonight for my date I had scheduled with  KyiGo. With Gojo being my left hand man, my brother Yuji would come in tonight and clean up a few retouches I had scheduled. Next to Gojo, Yuji was clean and crips with his work, when he wasn't being a smart ass to all the women who came in. I swear at times the women just came in to fuck with us like we were the “New Blood” in the city. This wasn't motherfucking Vampire Diaries let alone Twilight. So if they weren't with their boyfriends on the weekends, all the local women were hanging out at our shop for the night. (If you get it then you get it. It got to the point to where it was fucking annoying.)  

Jumping down into my tattoo chair, almost knocking it off its hinges, Gojo was being too nosey for his own good. 

“You going to tell me what she looks like or am I gonna have to guess? You know I don't like guessing…” 

I sighed sucking in my bottom lip. Just thinking about what she looked like made my dick hard at times and if Gojo noticed my reaction at the slightest mention of her.  “I'm not going to tell you, but I can show you.” Unlocking my phone I handed it to him. I noticed his eyes glimmered and he became quiet. His light blue eyes looked my way with his light bangs slightly pulling a shadow over them. (I've never seen him look at me like this before. Ever. Kinda made me wonder if he knew this girl.) 

“Does she know you have a picture of her?” He asked, slightly hanging the phone over his fingers.

I sneered the side of my lip up, snatching my phone back from him, sliding it into my back pocket. 

“Of course she does. I actually sent it to her.” (A picture of her and her daughter I took for family-fun day.)

“She's beautiful…” He sighed leaning back in the chair. He turned his head lazily towards me with his arms spread out on the arm rest. He let out a small sigh from the corner of his mouth, throwing his leg around the chair. “Don't fuck this up..Cho.” He stood up patting me on the shoulder and walked over to his station. 

My throat all of a sudden became dry, as  at the drywall in front of me. 

I hope I don't fuck this up….

Yes. He finally had the balls to ask me out because lord knows I didn't have the courage right now. And of course, I said yes…

For the next week whenever I picked my daughter up from school, Choso and I were always caught having a conversation.

Whether if it was about the smallest things, even if it was him complimenting me on any changes I made to my appearance. I could have changed my earrings and he would tell me how pretty they were or how they complimented my skin tone. I noticed my body language started to get more relaxed around him as well. I wasn't as tense as I was from the first time I met him. 

And for him having my number…..

He did call me when  it came to my daughter. Luri was really a boy in a little girl's body so she was constantly hurting herself while she was at school. But that wasn't any different than it was then when she was at home. She was tough like any other child, but she had her moments when she would cry for me and he wouldn't hesitate to call me to come to the school if need be. 

Now when it comes to my ex husband, I don't talk about him. I don't think about him. I don't dream about him. I hardly breathe around him.  The only time I communicate with him is for the sake of my daughter and that was it. Anything else was pretty irrelevant. When it came down to our relationship..it was a toxic one. One that I felt like I was alone the whole time and I was the only one doing the work to make it work. I cried so many times thinking to myself that I was a failure and what I was doing wrong. (When in reality it was mainly all him. And it took me to let him go completely to realize that. ) Dealing with someone who couldn't take accountability and never wanted to talk about our issues, was mentally and emotionally draining.. it was over-stimulating in the worst way possible. I knew I wanted something better for myself. A life better for my daughter. I wanted her to see what it was like for someone to love her mother correctly that way in the back of her mind, she would only accept that love in return within her older years. That's all I wanted for my baby girl when that time came.  

Saturday night finally hit after a stressful week. It was 8pm. The stars were so bright tonight. Almost like it was a sign that this was the perfect time for our date. We decided to try something different than what we were used to. A coffee and croissant date. I thought it was the cutest idea when he texted and told me the night before. The plan was to meet up around 9pm at Castain Park downtown. This was an open park with a beautiful water fountain in the middle that stood about 20ft high. It was mainly a place where students from the university came to study during the day but at night, it was a ghost town area. 

After dropping off my daughter with my sister that night, I spent a good amount of time getting myself prepared for this date. I didn't tell my sister any details about Choso. Yes my sister Dhay and I were really close. We told each other everything even when I would come down to our sex lives, but I didn't include her in any of this yet. I wanted Choso to be all for me at the moment and me only. I wasn't ready to talk about him or introduce him to my family or even my best friend.  I just wasn't ready. 

I decided on keeping my look clean and simple for the night. Tight white long sleeve, black wide leg pant, black Dynasty Combats, and my fave black trench. The makeup was simple and sweet like honey. Mascara, a couple beauty moles added to the many I already had. A soft red lip with my fenty beauty gloss boom over it. I straightened the top of my hair so it covered some of my undercut, but not the fresh designs I had got cut in layers for tonight's date. I added a touch of my favorite Billie Ellish number 2 perfume. Not too much, but just enough to where he couldn't get enough. All in all, my prescription glasses finished the look. I was so nervous at this point that I could feel my whole body shaking as I stood in front of this 20ft fountain trying to keep warm plus keeping my damn nerves from being shot and walking off. This was the first date I've been on in a while, so you can understand my frustration. 

“Hello beautiful…” I felt a small tap on the back of my shoulder and I Instantaneously calmed down. My breathing became shallow and my heart skipped a beat. I turned around, making eye contact with choso.  “ I was hoping to make it here before you did.” He said with a slight smirk. (God this man was so beautiful.) Holding a coffee holder with what smells like two Chai lattes and two cinnamon rolls, this angel came prepared. He stood above me with his hair down today, the sides tagged behind his ears, bangs hanging softly over his eyes. A white leather jacket, with a thick black turtleneck sweater. (But not too thick that I couldn't see his build bulging through it.) Light black jeans that cuffed his ass perfectly, so perfectly I could see his print fighting for its life underneath too. Hell yeah baby….you could cut the sexual tension we had with a knife. He sported a pair of black yeezys but to top off his look with a couple of black metal rings and a pair of simple studs in his ear. I couldn't help but bite my bottom lip when I was standing in attention in his sight. I wasn't going to try to hide it. Neither was he as he licked his lips, blushing as he looked down to the ground. “ Hmmp..” that little sligh sound he always makes out the side of his mouth as he rubbed the edge of his bottom lip with his thumb. (I swear…at this point I could feel my body on fire. The things I felt in this moment, were about to push me on the verge of tears)

(…fucking intrusive thoughts…)

Taking the coffee holder out his hand, we started walking to a nearby bench to have a seat. “You look very handsome Choso.” My face turned red as we finally sat down. I handed him his latte and his cinnamon roll. “Thank you Angel Bean.” 

Angel Bean? That was a new one. But it was so cute so I couldn't complain. “So what made you pick Castain Park out of all places?” I asked as I slowly sipped my latte and brought it down from my lips, I could feel some about to drip down my chin, but before I could catch it Choso brushed his finger across my chin catching the access with his thumb, then slowly began rubbing it in his inner lip to taste. His gaze then shot up to me, sultry and low, licking his lips after. My panties were instantly wet. So wet that I knew if I weren't  wearing jeans, I'd definitely leave a permanent stain. 

He leaned back taking the sight in then sighed. “No one really comes here at night so I thought this would be the perfect place for us to get to know each other better.” He sipped his coffee, spreading his legs open.. his knee touching mine. “So how's Luri?”

“Luri?” He was really asking about my daughter. Wow! (Can you be mine now....?)

“Yes Luri”? He giggled. 

“She's fine. She's with my sister right now.”

“She's such a good kid. I really enjoy being around her.”

Those words…. Meant a lot to me. Best believe I didn't take those words lightly, but from him you could tell it was sincere. “Yes she is. She's a mommy's baby. She's my everything ..Cho.” I never really discussed my ex with Kamo. He knew very little details but that was something we both knew from body language to never touch. It was the past and it was going to stay there until it was safe to talk about. He looked at me and smiled and I gave him the warmest smile I could, as I enjoyed every bit of his company.  

We spent about another hour at the park walking and talking. At one point he grabbed my pinky wrapping around his. I couldn't help but smile. To be honest.. I haven't felt this in a long time. 

The feeling of slight comfort and protection. 

 She really….makes me feel like a normal person. I can't fuck this up. -(Choso)

“Would you like to come to my house for a little? Get you out of this cold weather and warm you up” He asked, rubbing his hands aggressively up and down my back, pulling me into his chest. God… It felt so good…

“Yes, I'd like that!” 

Entering his 2024 Honda Crosstour, the car I actually wanted for myself and baby girl, sat up in 17inch rims, was dressed in all black everything. Dark tinted windows and black leather seats. This was my dream car and it was so sexy, especially on him.  Dammit … this… this really couldn't be real, especially when he turned the Bluetooth on to Lloyd Swimming Pools. No.. so not . This couldn't be real, but the puddle that decides to drip into my underwear was. Everything was so seductive and quiet about him and it made me so nervous. 

The ride to his house was so tense we could have literally fucked in the car in the fifteen minute drive… 

It was about a fifteen minute car ride to his house. I didn't pay attention to where we were nor at that moment did I really care. All my little attention was solely on him. His sexy plump lips, his dark hair he went ahead and tied at the top of his head into a messy bun. The muscles that stiffened out his sweater as he opened the passenger door, taking off his leather jacket, while helping me out. He then took my hand walking me up to his pitch black door. I could literally feel my pussy throbbing between my legs just by standing next to him. 

Opening the door to his home he let me in first, following me after locking the door behind him. Flipping on a light switch the first thing I noticed was a large, and expensive, off-black stereo system that stood up against the wall  that he connected his phone to. It automatically started playing Neyo Say-it ….

(One of my all time favorite songs! Its almost like this man knew exactly what I liked when I needed it ..)

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him drop his jacket to the floor.

“Kyi. Go…” He softly whispered behind me, placing both of his hands around my waist, gripping me tight. His breathing started to get  heavier as his grip got even tighter. So tight I could feel his nails slightly dip into my skin.

As I turned around, looking him in his eyes as my body twisted in his grip. “Cho…so..” I said softly as my eyes met his. His eyes low, full of desire and power for me. The type of power a man has when you know he has you right where he wants you. And that's where he had me…

 He aggressively leaned in kissing my lips as I let my lips match the movement of his. The kiss was wet and nasty. Our tongues fighting each other as if they were fighting for their lives. “Choso…” I moaned in his mouth, my face pushed forcefully on top of his. My hands grabbed the back of his nape as the kiss reached a deep passion of aggression. He then threw my hands to the side, taking off my coat and throwing it to the ground as our lips were  still locked as we leaned back from each other but our tongue tips still touching.  Slowly moving his hands down my hip dips, he gripped his fingers under my ass, lifting me up, walking me through a dark hallway. I felt this intense rage throughout my whole body as he carried me. Lifting my shirt over my head, I threw it on the floor and started to get aggressive as I grabbed the side of his face forcing him to put his back against the wall. My mouth went for the right side of his neck, my tongue engulfing every inch of him, as the taste of him rolled up from his collar bone, right below his ear where I softly bit into him. 

“Fuuuuuuuckkk….” He moaned out loud still having a grip on me. With his moan I bit harder which caused him to spin me into the wall. I swear for a split moment he had slightly knocked me out but when I came to, his face was not only just worried in that instant but he didn't want it to stop. I could feel the wall dent in behind me as he used one leg to hold me up and used his other hand to tear my bra completely off. His beautiful low eyes stayed fixed on mine as he then carried me to the bedroom. 

“Are.. you okay? I didn't mean to hurt you..” He whispered heavily in my ear as he held me in his grip. 

“It's okay..” I whispered back. My voice was shaken with anticipation of what was to come next, as I wrapped my arms around his neck. 

Opening the door with one hand he quickly threw me on his bed, taking my underwear off with my pants and shoes. He flipped the light switch on and stood there quietly for a split second, sizing me up  while I laid completely naked on his bed. 

“You're so fucking beautiful KyiGo and don't ever let anyone ever tell you any different.” I could feel my pussy leaking all over his bed with those words that just came from his lips.  My nipples. hard for him. My mouth, watering for him. My mouth needed to taste him and every part of his body needed to feel him. My body was shaking uncontrollably.  My pussy throbbed to the point to where it felt like it had a heartbeat of its own. 

He began to undress, taking off his sweater and tossing it to the closet door. His body was amazing. Especially the tattoo that tied around his waist. His thick fingers started undoing his belt on his pants, to finally dropping his pants with his underwear to the floor. Stepping out of them he walked up, his dick slapping his inner thighs. His dick was huge and the grith was deliciously thick. My eyes widened with fear at first, but as I calmed down, I felt it was just enough to fill me the way I needed to be filled. I happened to notice he also had a tattoo of a dove right above his waistline. It was so delicate but it was perfect for his stature. I couldn't take my eyes off it as my breathing became heavy, feeling the touch of his cool hands spreading my legs apart. 

“Look at me…” He whispered in a soft tone, using one finger to lit my chin up, making full eye contact with him. While using his other hand to take his dick, rubbing it against my sobbing wet clit. 

“Yes..Cho..”

“Don't stop looking at me ..”

I nodded. Obeying every command he told me. Gripping the sheets above my head with that one hand, he swiftly interested himself in me with the other. 

“Shiiiiiiiit Choso!” I moaned loudly, arching my back as my breast set up straight to his face. In that instant he shot his arm under me thrusting in harder as he groaned steering up the side of his face as he groaned deeply. (God he was so sexy when he made that face.) He moved his grip up my back forcing me to release my arch so now my focus was back on him. My legs arched around his waist pulling him in deeper as my mouth connected back with his. He began to kiss me harder as he hit my spot, moving his throbbing penis in and out of me as my body began to shake with his movements. “You feel so fucking good Choso…”

“ Tell me…” He began to pant, his mouth open as he looked down into my eyes. “ Tell me what you want..” He asked as our bodies continued to rock together, shaking his bed more violently. “Tell me what you want so I can give it to you”

“I want you to fuck me Choso…!” He leaned over licking my top lip. His thrust slowed as he wrapped his arm under my leg, pulling them over his shoulder. We both let out a loud Gasp of pleasure as if felt like he was hitting past my g-spot as he sped up. My hips matching his pace the best way they could. “Please Don't ..fucking stop…” I was cut off by my own cry as he bent down placing his tongue in my mouth. Sweat dripped from his forehead to mine. 

“ Fuck baby you feel so good.” He placed his other hand down on my stomach to keep me from moving as my clit quickly rubbed up against him as he used his force to move upward. “ Cum for me baby… I need you to cum.” I could tell he was about to give out at any moment as I felt his body shaking. “Fuuuckkk KyiGo you're so wet for me….” I tried to press his body back with my hand but he wasn't fucking having that. He lowered his face to mine, our noses touching. “ Move your fucking hand..” He said in a sultry, sexy ass voice, that made me feel like I had no choice but to obey him. “Now.. be a good girl..” He started moaning loudly.. “ Cum for me..”

I couldn't hold it any longer. Gripping the sheets with both hands, my eyes began to roll in the back of my head. Biting my bottom lips hard I felt my orgasm finally burst from underneath me all over him. My body began to shake violently as he suddenly grabbed my hips, pressing his fingers deep into my sides. My eyes filled with tears and my lips trembled as my pussy started to leak on his dick that was still throbbing inside of me. 

“Choso… baby… Im cumming.." I cried out loud as one of my hands tightly gripped his arms, my nails digging into his skin. 

“Fuuuckk Kyi…Shit….” He groaned out loud as his hot cum shot inside of my wet cunt. My pussy was still milking him dry as his body shook above  mine.  

He finally dropped my legs to the bed, breathing heavily with an accomplished grin on his face. Our bodies began to twitch with one another as he then collapsed onto me, both of us breathing heavily. I wrapped my arms around him, placing a kiss on top of his head. 

Shit….

[lokisasylum]

All jokes and memes aside, lemme address something...

Because I can't have ya'll coming here preaching & crying about how much you love Jimin...while following many akgaes here on tumblr disguised as something else.

Now usually I don't like name-dropping because this does bring unwanted attention to said people. But it urks me the amount of my followers still following these akgaes, which I myself have had blocked (some even years before the pandemic started or going full Solo), due to how disgusting and shady these people were towards Jimin every single day.

The first two are: reflections/in/a\critical/eye & P*ppertaemint

Both are moots & also multi-stans (alot of their followers consist of sh*wols & ex*ls).

Both used to make hella shady posts about Jimin, from downplaying his talents & position in the group to even blaming him for overall shit.

Both now pretend to care about j*kook, make the occasional post about J*min for engagement but then use it as an excuse to CONSTANTLY drag PJMS in the following ones (i dunno what back-alley-dumpster-fire side of twitter/X they LIKE to hang out in, but notice how they ONLY have NEGATIVE things to say about PJMS in general while never actually sharing anything from JiminReport accounts where you see v-solos, jk-solos & even bl*nks being the most vile 24/7 unprovoked).

P*ppertaemint used to constantly compare and accuse JM of "copying" T**min, simultaneously setting him up for hate from other t**min stans.

A curious detail here is that both acc drag TK horribly, yet get likes from the same armys (and shippers) who get mad when pjms drag them during arguments with their solos (so its A-Okay for multistans to drag them to hell, but its a no-no when its internal lol).

Another account is: "cake//jerry"

This is a notorious troll acc & jm akgae who changes accounts when they get called out/exposed. (they once even admitted to creating their acc to hate on all members when they can).

Another acc who pretends to care about j*kook for engagement and validation, but can say the most vile things about JM while answering to Anons. An example of this is when JM dropped that pic with jk for his bday she wasted no time body-shaming him in the most disgusting matter which quickly got her ratioed.

she even shaded Jk for posting that pic of his back. Calling him a cheap copy of jin "who did it first years ago" (Fun Fact: jin wasn't the one who posted that photo of him shirtless. It was another member to show how wide his shoulders were. And I'm pretty sure it was around Spring Day era).

And last but not least: "beaut*ful//person//peach"

Oh booooy... where to start...

One or two years before the pandemic they were a fake ot7 acc, and a closet taekooker who gave free-passes to tkers and antis to drag JM through her Anon Asks. They even encouraged & laughed with them.

Eventually they got exposed and bullied off of tumblr before coming back half-way through the pandemic under a "new" version of their past-username. And now allegedly "cares" about j*kook, still acts shady towards JM & is also another account that LOVES to obsessively drag pjms.

Like I said before, I don't care who you follow aside from me. But don't come to my blog (with your cheap burner accounts) pretending you care about Jimin, shading other members and then laughing with these akgaes/antis through the back.

[facewithoutheart]

Thanks to @messofthejess & @forabeatofadrum for the tags and for everyone else who’s been tagging me lately ❤️❤️❤️ I’ve been an utter wreck these days so I’m taking a cue from @forabeatofadrum and sharing a bit from every fic that’s haunting me. It’s the WIP Night of the Fic-Dead.

A few tags up front for people who I think will care about one of the struggling WIPs: @ileadacharmedlife, @bazzybelle, @yellobb, @artsyunderstudy, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @raenestee, @thewholelemon & @bookish-bogwitch.

Clips under the break.

Fic commitment I need to get my act together on

From my unnamed COTTA, which is a pre-WWII fic that may or may not form a Captain America AU in future days:

I swipe under my nose, adding more red to already bloodied knuckles. “Really, Baz, I almost had ‘im.”

“Obviously,” Baz drawls, leaning into my space to dust off my hair, shoulders and chest. One hand lingers on my sternum, like he’s letting my weak heart prove it’s still beating.

I swat him away. “Quit your mother hennin’.”

“Be a better chicken and I will.”

Posted fics that need a new chapter

From the next chapter of All I Ever Wanted was the World, which I think about daily but never write:

“So what did you do to piss him off?”

Somehow it doesn’t feel right explaining. I’m sure we both come off wrong with it, but I don’t like speaking for other people. “Ask him.”

“Not really that interested.” Niamh pushes off where she’s been leaning against the counter. “Do you use those or are they purely for show?”

I glance at where her gaze falls. “My arms?”

“Don’t be stupid.”

From the next chapter of On Love’s Light Wings, that I never think about except to wince when I remember it exists unfinished:

My arms come up, pushing under the back of his shirt to feel his bare skin. There are moles here. I never touched them… when he was alive…

Last time…

He’s doing that thing. That thing with his chin. I’m a puddle. I’m his; I don’t even care that he’s not my Simon…

From Santa Baby, which I fucking swear I am trying but I actively hate this concept:

“It’s hardly a problem–” Shepard argues.

“What prob–”

“Shhhh,” Simon shushes me.

I drop my jaw. “Ex-cuse–”

“Shepard,” Simon whines, “I can’t just…”

“Did you just shush–”

“He’s a complete stranger.”

I scoff. “Hardly.”

From the next chapter of boulders turn into sand, which I have started and restarted and restarted and… you get the point:

My fists grip the back of his shirt, wrinkling his silk and I told myself I wouldn’t do this; I told myself this was a line I’d never cross. That I’d never take one night from Baz at the cost of our friendship.

But then he whispers, “Please, please,” against my lips and maybe I’m not taking anything.

Maybe I’m giving.

Other shit that buzzes around my head but never makes it to paper:

when your heart goes, my Padam Padam-inspired sequel to blame it on the spray which would cover sexy club dancing, Lamb, Baz biting Simon, and maybe some weird bond shit if I ever managed to clear my plate of unfinished stuff to write this just to see if I can.

The Real Ending, my The Real Tragedy sequel where we find out if Simon found Baz but, more importantly, whether Natasha can truly accept her son, which is why I haven’t written it. Because boooring.

Bad Wolf/Blue Lace, which I’ve decided if I ever finish it should be my last fic in the fandom. My insanely dramatic reverse Open Sesame moment where I lure you all in with cracky bullshit and then leave on the most personal note I can.

Baz Baby or Two Roommates and a Baby which, at this point, I’m only interested in writing so I can sneak in some kinky shit as a gift.

[alovelyfox]

Chapter 10: Oh Hamburgers

Please note there are mentions of implied drug use and implied domestic threats in this chapter, so reader discretion is advised.

Is Y/N a Whole Foods disguised as a beautiful girl? That’s the only explanation Kyle can think of as to why so many of his South Park friends are suddenly appearing back in his life after he met her. He knows it’s probably all a big coincidence, but even if it is true, he can’t blame them. She has a magnetism around her that draws people in, one he himself fell prey to earlier that day. He knew it was impossible to control himself when he’s around her, yet did it anyway. But… she didn’t pull away when he asked her not to stop what she was doing, and that single thought fills him with an inexplicable feeling of hope that he hasn’t felt since he started killing.

However, he has no room in his head to think about these feelings right now , instead his mind is darting between asking what the hell Butters is doing here, or how the hell Y/N seems to know him. Deciding that the first question was less awkward to put forward, he does, and Butters sighs.

“Well, I was just telling Y/N over here that my boyfriend and I broke up, so I came here for a fresh start.”

This didn’t really come as a shock to Kyle. He had sort of always assumed that Butters wasn’t the straightest guy, especially when he got sent to that conversion camp and gave an impassioned speech about bi-curiosity that would rival one of Kyle’s own.

“Ex-boyfriend in South Park? Anyone I would know?”

“You sure would know him, it was Eric!”

“E-Eric Cartman?”

This did come as a shock. It came like a slap in the face actually. Kyle didn’t even know they were dating, much less that they’d broken up. Sure, he’d lost contact with most of South Park years ago when he moved, but this was big news, and he feels like it still should’ve reached him somehow. Even if someone like Ike had to pigeon carry it over.

The revelation of his mortal enemy’s recent love life stuns Kyle into disturbed silence, so Y/N clears her throat and smiles at Butters.

“Well Butters, it's a pleasure to meet you. We should have lunch together sometime.”

“Going out with some friends sounds a helluva lot better than eating a ham & cheese sandwich at my desk, how about today? ” he asks, and Y/N nods, before dragging a still shocked Kyle away to his office, setting him down in his desk chair and leaving him to rethink his life choices at how Eric Fucking Cartman has had more romantic experiences than him.

…

Sienna’s was Y/N’s choice, the familiar ambience relaxing a tense Kyle. The three of them are huddled together in a booth overcrowded with food, while Butters catches his friend up on all the things that went on in South Park in his 7 year absence.

“Tweek and Craig are still going strong. I actually think they’ll be engaged soon, if Tweek can stay still long enough for Craig to ask. Oh, and Clyde…”

Kyle absent-mindedly nods along to what Butters is saying, wondering when he’s gonna get to Cartman. Sure, it’s nice to hear what his old friends were up to, but he can’t deny that the only thing he wants to know is whether or not his former adversary’s life has gone down the shitter like he expected. He knows he shouldn’t compare or whatever, but the verification that years of tormenting had come back to bite Cartman in the ass is something Kyle didn’t realize he needed until his name was mentioned. Realizing that Butters could talk about Tolkien and Nicole’s kids for hours, he tries to delicately plant the idea of talking about his ex into his mind, but accidentally drops it like a bomb.

“So Butters, why the hell did you date Cartman?”

Butters nervously drops the fry he's eating and turns his gaze down towards the food, while Y/N kicks Kyle under the table for being so rude.

“Ow. Sorry dude, I just meant-”

“No, it’s alright. I don’t even know myself. But all of you fellers left, so it was just him & I stuck together. He was pretty sour about it, ya know? Everyone leaving? That’s probably why he clung to me so much. And well, I know it sounds cliché, but he started growing nicer the more he felt he needed me, and one thing led to another… We ended up living together in my parents house, but money was tight, since Eric never had a steady job and I didn’t make enough as a waiter at Denny’s to support both of us. Plus, I had always wanted to move to this city, but Eric was firmly against it. ‘Too many minorities’ he would say when I brought it up. So when I saw this job opportunity as a secretary, I figured, ‘Screw Eric, I wanna do what I wanna do!’. So I broke up with him, hopped on a plane, and here I am!”

“And Cartman was just… fine with that?”

“I think so. We both know it's for the best. In fact, he kept making funny jokes when I broke up with him about how he was gonna come find me, bring me back to South Park, and keep me trapped in his secret bomb shelter until I learnt to love him again. Silly old Eric.”

“Oh my god Butters,” Kyle says, dumbfounded at how lightly he took Cartman’s threats. “Please tell me you haven’t seen him since he said that.”

“Nope! The only people I know in the city right now are you and Y/N unfortunately.”

“Actually, Wendy and Stan are also living here now too,” Y/N informs him joyfully, and a big grin emerges on his face.

“Oh gee, that’s great! Now if Kenny could come back from god knows where and Eric could get over his fear of other races, we could reunite the whole gang!”

Kyle’s mouth falls agape as the realization hits him that Cartman could move here to be closer to Butters. Eric Cartman, the guy who made his entire childhood miserable, who inspired so many of Kyle’s insecurities that he thought he would never like himself ever again. Until Y/N.

Fuck. What happens if Y/N meets him?

Kyle knows that Y/N is pure-hearted, and would never fall for Cartman’s lies and deceptions. But… if he managed to turn her against him, Kyle doesn’t know if he’d be able to control himself. He swore he would only kill for the necessity of it, but with someone like Cartman in the picture, who can rile Kyle’s anger up in a way no one else can… Or even worse, if he managed to find out about what Kyle’s been doing in his free time… Let's just say he wouldn’t let it slide.

He can’t manage another word for the rest of lunch, sulking in silence over the possibility of Cartman returning to his life, while Butters and Y/N continue with their introduction to each other. She keeps sneaking glances at Kyle every time there’s a lull in the conversation, but she eventually sighs when she realizes he's going to be no help, and leaves him to wallow in his own self-pity.

…

After they all return back to the firm, Y/N pulls Kyle into his office and shuts the door behind her, forcing him into his chair before sitting down opposite him.

“Alright, what’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t ‘nothing’ me. You were acting really weird that whole lunch, super sad for no reason. So something’s gotta be up, tell me.”

“You noticed? Sorry.”

“Of course I noticed. I didn’t mind talking with Butters since he’s really friendly, but I would’ve liked a distraction from you when he started talking about how he got grounded by his parents for making all the aspiring athletes of South Park and Tom Brady drink his ‘creamy goo’. Which, by the way, what the fuck is up with your town?”

Kyle lets out a small laugh, but remembers who told Butters to do that in the first place, and a somber expression crosses his face. Y/N notices, and gets up from where she’s sitting and kneels down in front of Kyle’s chair, taking his hands in hers.

“Kyle, you know you can tell me anything, right?” she exclaims softly, and the look of pleading for him to be honest with her breaks the last wall in his heart.

He pours out his entire history with Cartman, all the bickering and fighting, along with the constant taunting of his deepest insecurities. Y/N listens carefully to every word, never interrupting, just taking it all in. He finally sighs, and turns his head to the side to avoid her gentle eyes.

“I just… I don’t like who I am when I’m with him. I turn angry and volatile, pretty much the worst version of myself. And I would hate for you to ever see me like that.”

“Kyle,” she whispers, clutching his hand closer to her chest, looking up at him with her affectionate gaze. “Did I ever tell you about the time my best friend got arrested?"

He shakes his head, and she continues.

"Yeah. I had grown up with this girl for most of my life. I knew everything about her, how smart and funny and talented she was, all her passions and dreams. I thought she would be destined for big things, but during our teenage years, she got peer pressured into taking drugs, and eventually became addicted. It was so painful, seeing her turn into the shell of who she once was. Everyone had given up on her when she turned 18, yet I still had hope. I was on my year abroad when she told me she got pregnant, and wanted my help delivering the baby. She had realized that this drug-addled monster wasn't who she is. It had been forced out of her by her 'friends', and it wasn't who she wanted her child to define her as. So, I came back, she got clean, and stayed that way."

She suddenly stops, switching her eyes to the floor.

"But some people didn't like that. And she was found with traces of cocaine in her room despite the fact she hadn't touched the shit for months. But no one believed her, since finding the drugs already fit with the image they had of her in their mind. They refused to let what they thought they knew go, and she ended up in jail."

She takes a deep breath before looking up at Kyle.

"She and her unborn baby died in there, due to how the doctors thought she was still taking, and she didn't receive the proper treatment a pregnant woman needs. That's when I knew I wanted to become a human rights lawyer, to protect not only those who are innocent, but those who become innocent. But what I'm saying is, I believe that our past selves are better left there, in the past. The way you are right now is how I’ll always see you. You could never be ruined in my mind.”

He breathes deeply, trying to control the rapid beats of his heart as he fails to contain the blush spreading across his cheeks. Fuck, how does she know exactly what to say to make his insides glow?

She goes back to her seat, but rests both her arms on his desk and delicately places her head on top of them.

"So that girl is the reason why you were so upset over Gemma?" Kyle asks, and she nods.

"It's also why I said I would help Stan get Wendy back. I'd like to believe there's good in everyone, despite how their past might make it seem. But.. I don't wanna talk about them. Tell me more about South Park, and try to leave Eric Cartman out of it as much as possible. Unless he did something stupid.”

Kyle smirks, leaning back in his chair as he recounts the time Cartman thought he got his period because he was bleeding out of his ass, the anxiousness Kyle feels towards him slowly fading away with every one of Y/N’s soothing laughs.

[mrsgravity]

That night

April/23 3:02

‏"Then I screamed at him and told him to break up because I was in a blind spell of anger, and then after I sat alone in my room that night I thought I'll cry as usual but I found out I had no regrets at all. I was quiet this time and discovered that I would be eternally grateful to myself for taking that step .. and this was my tragic end to my story with him"

A moment of silence passed as he focused his gaze on you, you thought he would console you or say he was sorry or something. But instead he snorted and started laughing a little bit revealing his teeth.

"Well done strong woman. Can I think this was the boldest thing you've ever done?"

You blew your mouth into disbelief "Are you making fun of me for deciding to get rid of him?"

"No" He restored himself and returned to his quiet smile. "of course I don't make fun of you. I'm just glad you left him after all these problems, I would've thought you'd die of grief with him"

You smile and manage your look from him

"Hey, you know you deserve a hundred times better than him"

"I know" you sighed and decided to ask him the same question. "What about you? Always seems to me to be the kind that has a lot of past or one-nighters relationships?"

He smiled and put his hand on the wheel. "I was, two or three .. the last one couldn't bear me for more than two years"

"No blame" you whispered sarcastically and he raised his eyebrow with ego. "At least I don't give them a chance to hurt me ten times"

"Shut up"

You played with your fingers silently, waiting to find the right justification for making your ex cheat and treat you indifferently. And all you were doing was giving him another chance and forgiving him out of love because he was your first love.

"He hurt me"

After you go silence, he put his hand on your thigh and started to squeezing it. "You started your life again long time ago and that's the important"

You smile at him and look at his eyes, which have shone through your darkest days for you. He was always here for you, little moments with him made you forget all your sorrows and problems, just simple actions from him that had much bigger meanings.

He never hesitates to meet your requests and desires. He was a conservative person, but in your presence he opened for you the doors of his heart. Always made you feel special in this world.

"Then you came"

"Tell me that I was much better than him"

"I can never deny this Trent"

He smiled again but with a confident and cocky smile, he loves when you give him the advantage in everything because he wants to win you always. Always.

He sighed and returned his hand to the wheel, asking where you wanted to go. All you've done in the last hours is drive around the city with a silent journey because he knows you like to stay long in the car and drown in your imaginations through the window.

"We can go home and sleep a little bit because it's late, you almost forget you have training tomorrow"

"I got no problem"

He run his car and get back to driving. And all you thought about at that moment was how much you accepted this man's advantages and flaws. Always in love with him and his actions in a way that's almost an obsession.

Why not and he is the first one to find in your grief before your joys?. All you wanted was for this moment to last so long to satisfy from seeing him, even a little bit because you miss him even in his presence..

Just because he's Trent. He could always win your heart more every time and this is the most beautiful era of your life with him. And it may be forever.

[lurkingshan]

bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you-meme!

Tagged by @telomeke, thanks friend! I had to get through the weekend drama deluge before I could clear out some brain space to answer this one properly, because I never mess around when I'm talking Bad Buddy.

Name and whatever you want to share about yourself

Shan, she/her, I live in the US. I am a lifelong consumer of stories and both an avid reader and drama watcher. I write a lot of meta because when I enjoy a thing I love to dissect and unpack it, and I post on tumblr because I have the most fun when I do that with other people.

When did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

I watched Bad Buddy live when it was airing! I was not on tumblr then but I was lurking around fandom spaces and following the week to week discussions around the show, but not actively participating in them. After that my interest in bl as a genre only grew, so I created this blog about 9 months ago to start joining in the fun.

Favourite ship/s

Pat/Pran, of course. They are amongst my all time favorite couples that I've seen in any media, period. I will spice this up by also admitting Pa/Ink didn't do all that much for me. They were just a bit too underwritten for me; I am not someone that is wowed by side crumbs or enjoys filling in the gaps myself. But I am really looking forward to seeing Milk and Love headline their own show soon.

Favourite character/s

Going to take a stand here and throw my love Pat's way, because Pran is the character most in fandom seem to connect with. But I just love Pat. He's such a kind and loyal and devoted person at heart. He's a little bit of a himbo about his emotions, but he's also quite smart in his own way and he understands more than people realize. I love his easy acceptance of his own sexuality but also others around him. He has good instincts about people and it's no coincidence he ends up surrounded by such a good community of his own making. And I respect the hell out of his willingness to fight the constraints of filial piety to call his father on his bullshit. He is someone Pran can trust to stick with him through a lot of hard shit, and his easy forgiveness of Pran's more prickly attributes is crucial to their relationship health. For someone with such a healthy ego, Pat has no problem putting it aside for the man he loves. That's real strength, right there.

Favourite episode/s

Joining the pile on for Episode 11, my beloved. When I tell you I was sobbing the first time I watched it. Tears just pouring down my face from the moment Pat told Pran he understood they had to go back all the way through Pran's song for Pat and their return home. It's one of the most moving sequences I have ever seen in a romance, the way they came to the realization of what they were facing, chose each other anyway, and decided they were going to find a way to stay together, even if it couldn't be in exactly the way they hoped.

Favourite scene/s

Oh gosh, there are just so many. The aforementioned sequence in ep 11, both major rooftop scenes, that lone tear tracking down Pran's face at the end of episode 4, Pat confronting Ming. On the lighter side, there's also the brainstorming roleplay from ep 3, pretty much every courtship scene where they flirted via PPL, the FINGER LICK, the final episode wrestling match and sex acrobatics. Every scene between Pat and Pran was just aces.

One thing you would change about the show if you could

*cracks knuckles*

Okay, fam, just remember, you asked! Bad Buddy is one of my favorite shows of all time, but as I have discussed with @waitmyturtles at length, it is not perfect and I have some serious quibbles with it from a writing standpoint. My top 3:

Wai outing Pran and then Pran spending the whole episode apologizing to him. Nonsensical, infuriating, and the show didn’t do the work to make us understand Pran and Wai’s friendship enough to accept that. I still hate poor Jimmy's face to this day and I blame that on Aof.

Pat gets shot as the deus ex machina to resolve the Wai plot. Villain comes out of nowhere in the same episode, the whole situation is tonally discordant, no follow through and the injury is treated like he got a paper cut in the aftermath. It's just lazy writing. Honestly, send all of episode 9 to the trash heap.

Finale fake out. Aof undercut his own themes about the struggle of the closet and sublimation of your own needs in service of filial piety in order to play a prank on the audience. Dumb waste of half the finale’s run time that actively worked against the message he sought to deliver, and that ep 12 preview nearly ruined ep 11 for a lot of people. Luckily the second half of the finale was so strong it made up for it, but I maintain the fake out was a bad choice that I would definitely go back and change.

What are your some of your favorite fanworks made by other people?

I am a meta girlie at heart so I am always most excited reading deep dives. I cannot possibly remember all the good shit I have read on Bad Buddy, but I'll give a shoutout to the BBS (gender neutral) girlies keeping the meta alive to this day @telomeke @ranchthoughts @dudeyuri @dimplesandfierceeyes @chickenstrangers @miscellar @grapejuicegay. I am always so excited when I see new posts about this show on my dash and I had a great time clowning with you all on OS2.

What are your favourite fanworks you've made?

I wasn't here when the show was airing so I actually don't have a deep library of my own meta for this show (not that made it onto tumblr, anyway). But one of the fun things about being in bl fandom is we get to make connections across the shows we're all watching, so I'll give a shoutout to this post I did drawing a line between Pran and Jae Won of The Eighth Sense.

A song that makes you think of BBS (not in the show)

It's gotta be Same Page? by Tilly Birds. It's not actually played in the show, but Pat briefly references it when he's teasing Pran in their final scene together, and y'all, look at these lyrics:

Me missing you is missing Me missing you is missing along the way Me missing you is missing Me missing you is missing along the way Do you realize how much I am agonized? I only want to know If you and I are on the same page I really want to know if you have a change of heart Or is it just me thinking? Or is there something missing? Like how my feelings never reach you

Feels pretty appropriate for a long-distance couple with more separation ahead, doesn't it? It's fine, I am very normal about this.

Thanks again for tagging me, Tel, this was fun! I am adding @neuroticbookworm @blmpff @manogirl @invisiblegarters @slayerkitty @he-is-lightning-in-a-bottle in case you want to play, and anyone else I tagged above who hasn't done it yet, consider yourselves tagged!

[caffeinatedgoddess]

When You Name Your Demons....

**TW.....abuse**

This perfectly sums up this little writing exercise. Sometimes, you need to name your demon to exorcise it.

My demon? My abusive ex.

Just when I think I've healed from what he put me through, it comes back to haunt me. And sometimes, I summon that demon myself in a desire to see that he's getting what punishment I hope is coming to him for what he stripped me of (because karma's a bitch). Not my proudest moment, but sometimes the urge to know outweighs common sense. My hope is that asking some of the questions I never got to ask him will complete my healing. Because 10 years is long enough, for fuck's sake, and I don't want to waste another thought on him. And, maybe it's time to fully focus on my self-care. I readily provide Reiki healing to others but don't spend much time channeling it to myself. Maybe that's because I didn't want to fully heal until I was able to put these questions out into the ether. Maybe now that they are spoken, I can work on the true healing that I need.

Did you ever tell them that you were the one who wouldn't let me speak to them? Did you tell them that I actually called, but you told me the only way I could talk to them was if I came back to you? Did you know the reason I changed my phone number and dropped off the face of your earth is because you would leave me a voice message almost daily? Begging me to come back and then in the very same breath call me the worst names and threaten me?

Have you told your friends, new and old, why it is that I left? Have you told them that for 15 years, you gaslit me, eroded my self-confidence, blamed me for everything that went wrong, and physically abused me? That despite your Christian faith, you treated me in a way that would make most people feel dirty and ashamed? Or do they only know the story where I ran off with another man who had brainwashed me? Did you leave out the part where you abused me for 15 years? Does it make you feel better that they don't know? If they knew, would you lose all the sympathy you've gotten?

Did you ever consider that the reason I left your faith was because you emotionally and mentally abused me on a daily basis, all while you professed your Christian faith? That maybe, just maybe, I questioned where God and Jesus were while I sat crying for help year after year, and it never came? Where was your God while I contemplated ending everything? Did you ever think that maybe I felt like I had to answer my own prayers because no one else was?

Have you ever given one second of thought to how badly you damaged me? How the constant control you exerted over me made me feel like I was in a prison? How my body never felt like my own (you even tried to control how I styled my hair and used the bathroom, for fuck's sake)? How the constant blame you put on me for the misfortune in your life wore me down? How I never once did anything to deserve the physical and mental abuse you put me through, yet every day I questioned what I did wrong in God's eyes to deserve what you dished out? Or have the past 10 years been all about you and how you were wronged in all of this (and don't even bring them into it - that is a whole different conversation between me and them if they ever choose)?

I walked away because you made me hate you. Your touch made me cringe because I never knew when it was going to turn into a mean-spirited pinch or worse. You made me not want anything to do with you or anything your life touched. I couldn't trust you to take care of my soul, because you made it clear your goal was to crush it. The only person who ever abused me in my life was you....and only you. According to your Christianity, you were supposed to protect me. Oh, you did a good job of protecting me from others. But no one was left to protect me from you. When I first left you, I turned to our Christian brothers and sisters for help. Guess what. Only one stepped forward to support me, but even her support was limited since her husband was friends with you. Not even the preacher offered help.

I'm stronger now. I'm a force to be reckoned with. I've learned how to replace putting up walls with creating clear boundaries. I've learned compassion for others and allow them to come to me with their troubles, all while maintaining my healthy boundaries. I've become 10 times the woman I once was because I have someone who loves me unconditionally and allows me to be me. Not the version of me that they wish I were. You wouldn't like this version of me because you wouldn't be able to control her. Hell, I don't think you could handle her. She'd be too much for you. Yes, you had a hand in building her, but that's only because she had to put back together the pieces that you shattered all by herself. And when she put those pieces back together, she didn't use glue. She filled the cracks with the purest of gold. Now that I'm finally done with you, it's time to polish away the tarnish and allow that gold to shine.

[winderlylandchime]

ugh, feelings. you ever feel like you’re failing according to a rubric you never wanted to be graded on?

so. when i was 15 i went on an international trip sponsored by a summer camp i had attended the year before. most kids had been going to this camp since they were old enough so i was definitely an outsider. these international trips were meant to be a gap year type thing before campers were old enough to be a counselor-in-training. a whole group of friends wanted to go to the destination i was going to and one of them didn’t get to go and the others in the group blamed me for taking her spot. anyway i loved traveling to our destination and the experiences i got to have but it was one of the hardest social experiences of my life. at age 15 i was four years into my struggle with trichotillomania (hairpulling disorder) and had no eyebrows and weird hair as a result. i was also deep into my first fandom and totally hyperfixated on it. *and* i had not yet learned how to mask those parts of myself that are odd and weird when around people incapable of loving me in my entirety.

needless to say, i was an outcast that entire summer. while across the globe from my home, my parents, and my friends. it really fucking sucked. i was also an outcast in school (except for my little group of friends) so maybe i shouldn’t have been surprised but i kind of hoped that i would be surrounded by people who would truly accept me. i wasn’t. i am still working to unlearn the toxic messages about myself and my worth that i was given by my peers, on this trip and in school, as a teen.

last year i got an email from the man who led this trip (to be very very fair he was only 24 at the time so i don’t totally blame him for the group dynamics that had such a lasting negative impact on me) and i was invited to join their annual (?) reunion “celebrating” 26 years since this trip. i wasn’t going to attend but i asked my spouse and some close friends and they said that i should attend and see what it’s like, that maybe these people are no longer the awful people they were as teens and it could be healing to see that. so i attended. it was an hour of my time on zoom and i could close out if i needed to.

i didn’t need to. everyone was… fine. most of them still live on the east coast. and they are all quite successful. they own their own homes (one of them is looking into getting a second home), they all have at least one kid, they’re all in (presumably) straight marriages. good for them. truly, no sarcasm meant at all.

it’s just that according to that rubric? i am failing. i was the weird kid who is not successful as an adult. it feels like shit.

according to my rubric? i’m a fucking success. and i think that’s what my spouse and my friends are looking at when they told me to attend.

i -

am in an incredible marriage with my long-time partner. we had to face obstacles to get where we are including a previous marriage (mine), a jealous ex (theirs), prop 8/doma, mental health struggles, chronic pain, addiction, and a fucking pandemic. our relationship is better than it has ever been

have nieces via my sisters-in-law and nephews via my oldest friend and other friends’ kids who all bring a ton of joy into my life

have two dogs and two cats whom i love and adore and make me smile every single day

have a job that i am so incredibly proud of. when i started graduate school, the job i have now was my goal and i fucking achieved it. not only that but

i am continuing to grow within my profession and within myself and i have received opportunities and recognition as a result of this and

what i do pays enough that i can support my spouse in a lower paying job that makes them happy and allows them to care for their health

i have interests and hobbies that bring me great joy including fandom stuff

i have friends who love me in my entirety, i no longer cut off or hide parts of myself to gain their acceptance and you know what? my friends are so cool and so beautiful and so intelligent and also weird and funny and wonderful

i really like the city i live in and the community i’ve created here even though it means i probably won’t own property anytime soon, if ever

if i had to be judged that’s the criteria i would want to be judged against. but over a one hour zoom call where everyone is talking about their kids and their houses, that’s not really possible to communicate. no one is mean or cruel like they were 27 years ago. but it feels like they are all looking at me and thinking that i’m not quite a success. and i’m looking at them thinking, i am really glad that i had the courage to pursue the life i really wanted rather than stay in a marriage where i would have been unhappy just to fit into some ideal that i was never ever going to truly fit into.

anyway we’re having our 27 year reunion on tuesday on zoom and i’m attending again. because you know what? i don’t actually know that they are all judging me as less of a success. maybe they have grown just a bit from when we were 15 and have realized that we each have different goals and values in life. maybe they are open to the idea that success doesn’t have to look just one way.

that’s tuesday. wednesday i’ll wake up and drive to meet a friend and go for a walk in protected wetlands overlooking the beach and then go eat overpriced salad. and she will remind me that the people who are actively in my life, who don’t just exist in a group chat and one hour on zoom per year, see me and love me and honor me in my entirety.

[trainer-aer]

Half a year of freedom - Life Update

05.14.2023

__

Today is officially 6 months to the day of when I got out of my abusive engagement and moved on with my life. It's also Mother's Day! I had a lovely brunch with my family in downtown Chicago for the occasion! I had the most delicious cinnamon roll and French toast!

The seasons are changing beautifully right now, something I didn't quite get to witness last year. I moved here about a year and a week ago to the day and by the time I got here, the seasons had already changed from spring to early summer. Not that summer or winter were very intense, but.

I've got my credit card paid off entirely aside from this month's expenses which will be pretty easily covered by my income. I didn't expect leaving an abusive relationship to come with such swift financial recovery, too.

My new apartment is fully unpacked and the other day I got the glass fronted ikea bookcase I've wanted for a few years now and got all my uranium glass and sea glass put out properly! Though, I've found probably over 3000 pieces of glass in the lake in the past few months so I may need a second cabinet soon, ha!

It's also really nice to not have to pick up after my ex anymore. I honestly don't think he'd have ever contributed to the house if I didn't ask him to and asking him was awful because he always made a huge deal about it claiming I was blaming him for not doing things or criticizing him. I couldn't say anything without it being taken the wrong way and analyzed to hell and back for subtext that just wasn't there. It got the the point where walking through my own life was like walking on eggshells trying not to piss him off somehow.

I hated how my home could never be clean with him around no matter how much time I spent cleaning every day. It was like I lived to serve this shitty guy and to build the life we had talked about wanting (found out later he had lied about wanting all of it, because of course he did - he was a pathological liar) and he didn't care and still found reasons to be angry at me for asking for help maintaining it. All he really wanted a servant he could abuse, not a life partner.

Because I have such a lovely home now, I'll be welcoming several friends from out of state this summer! @paintroller is coming on Wednesday and my best friend Aaron is coming in a month! And because I work at the aquarium now, I can take them to all of the cultural institutions for free as a soft benefit of working for one of the bigger ones in the city!

Speaking of my job, I love every second of it! It's so surreal having my dream job now and to be where I've wanted to be since I was 9 years old! It's amazing to work around some of the coolest animals on the planet every single day!

Every day I gain a little of myself back and every day I am so grateful I didn't marry that bastard.

[not-that-blog]

My DID is out of control for the first time since I was maybe 19¿ and it's nothing like it was then; not destructive or chaotic or life destroying...

Just so switchy and scared and detatched.

And I'm in one of the queerest and happiest relationships I've ever had and I should be better at communicating and admitting to myself and my partner how much I adore them.

And I talked to my cousin tonight and we were doing 'shadow work time' and talking and he's one of the few people I'm fully honest with because him and my housemate are the two people in this world I know will never judge or hate me for my dumbassery from mental illness and trauma as long as I keep recovering long term.

Those two are heaven sent when it comes to my sobriety especially.

Anyway, we were talking and it came out of my mouth how I'm honestly still afraid of being queer and every time I date someone and have to confront it again, I realise that everything that goes wrong I mentally read as a 'punishment from god' because growing up christian that is a lot of what I got told.

So when I missed pride last weekend and couldn't see my partner because I had/have a bacterial infection that was highly contagious and is now still left me with an ear infection and post infection lung issues… I still struggle to not blame myself for it feeling like I did something wrong to make some higher power mad.

And part of converting to Judaism was the 'These things are not punishments, they're just living organisms living' approach most people give me and that for the first time in my life I had people not blaming me and my queerness as a reason my first girlfriend and her sister died.

Or why I lost my babies. And may never be able to get pregnant.

Or telling me that I was abused as a kid because I was queer and it was a punishment for being 'inherently sinful' and that I somehow deserved the abuse because I didn't grow up to be a 'perfect christian housewife.'

I struggle to tell my partner that they're as amazing as they are and how much I genuinely love and want them, or ask the questions that I need to ask for the reassurance we probably both need at this point; because I has so much religious trauma from being raised christian that at 25, nearly 26, after years away from it; it still makes me feel like maybe I'm better off dead because I am so afraid of being punished for being gay and trans.

And he is honestly so fucking incredible and kind and patient and caring and strong and stubborn and I love them dearly.

I doubt my polyamory less than I doubt my queer.

Purely because that one feels less like I'm going to be hated for it.

No one threatened my life for being polyamorous.

No one made their kid homeless for dating me because of polyamory.

No one glassed someone because they stood up for me being polyamorous.

No one told me that my babies were dead because of my polyamory.

But being bi? Being trans?

I had a panic attack when Moose just called and told his father he's bi and dating a man when we were dating. I cried for months over the fact that went well. I still cry over it.

And he'd been told how I'd had an ex's father threaten to kill me after I came out as trans bc I 'turned their son gay'.

But I don't think I've told many people how I watched my first girlfriends sister get glassed to the face when she stood in front of two 13/14yr old teenage girls and a 45+ yr old drunk man who was furious about 'having a faggot dyke of a child who should've never been born in the first place.' and was definitely going to try and kill us.

It's my partners birthday.

In like 6-7hrs we're going to brunch.

And all I can think is how I keep trying to shove down this trauma as if it doesn't constantly make saying the words 'I love you' to them absolutely terrifying because I spend every second of my days fighting my OCD that my existence is not going to hurt them and I can not push them away because I'm scared of something horrifying happening when there's no evidence of that happening.

They have a supportive and loving family.

I have cut my toxic family off and am low contact with my mother.

I am safe and living out of home and I shouldn't still be this scared.

But I still can't really imagine myself getting old and I wish I could wrap myself in their arms more often and just hold them close because even holding their hand is usually enough to stop the spiral in my head because just the reassurance they're here and real and safe is helpful. (I have hallucinations and have been literally haunted by hallucinations of my ex girlfriend's death and her sisters since honestly hours about hearing she died and how. I sometimes have this fear that everything around me is a hallucination and I'm going to lose everyone because of it despite my hallucinations having not been that level of severity since I was like 7-9¿ish and had been awake for almost a week straight from panic attacks from how much traumatic shit was happening and it was like right as my parents started talking divorce and we were getting dragged out of bed to go to my grandmothers constantly which is where I was being SA'd so like; no safe home life, no safe school life, just night-terrors.... hallucinating a whole new world because I was that sleep deprived and fucked up wasn't the worst thing to happen but as an adult it's my biggest fear because now it would be life destroying when back then it was just another bad month.)

I don't know how to unpack this trauma anymore. Or what to do.

I just want to be able to love my partner without being afraid of losing them.

I want to be able to tell them how much I love them while sober. I don't want to get drunk to feel safe enough to love someone.

I don't want to be so scared of my own feelings that I accidentally numb myself because I'm still afraid me being queer will mean I'm a danger to my partner.

I just want to love him how he deserves to be loved.

[weirdandannoying]

It’s interesting the things you learn on tiktok. The other day I learned about the term monitoring spirit. Apparently they’re people you’re supposed to protect yourself from, like keep your deepest darkest secrets away from them, don’t tell them your future plans, don’t be around them or they’ll suck all your energy, etc. when you’re around someone that’s a monitoring spirit, it’s like you’re in a trance and you tell them secrets you haven’t even told your closest friends. It’s weird because prior to hearing it on tiktok, I never knew it was even a thing but it got me thinking about myself because some of the things listed as “signs” that someone is a monitoring spirit kind of reminded me of myself, except it sounds darker when explained on tiktok. Everyone on there makes it seem like people who have it must be avoided like the plague or else they’ll suck the life out of you. I got insecure about it because my friends always tell me that people feel comfortable around me, so that’s why strangers are always spilling their secrets to me after 2 minutes of meeting. Which is true, strangers tend to open up to me almost immediately. It’ll happen randomly too, like one time my friends and I were in an Uber on the way to some shitty bar in silver lake. The car ride was silent and we were 30 minutes away, my weird, awkward, ass wanted to fill the silence with small talk because I felt uncomfortable, so I asked the uber driver if she ever had a weird passenger before. This eventually led to a full on conversation about all her adventures as an Uber driver. She mentioned that she used to be a Lyft driver but they don’t really care about the safety of their workers and they didn’t get paid much. Then she pulled out a small knife from under her seat and said she always keeps it under her leg, especially when she’s working late at night because, “you never know.” I was actually really interested in the conversation even though I was drunk but that’s usually when I’m the most talkative. She then continues to tell me all the events in her life that lead her to where she’s at right now and by the end of the trip she felt like a close friend. When we arrived at the bar, we got out, I waved bye to her and she told me to be careful and to be safe, like a caring mother. My friends didn’t say a word the entire ride but once we were inside they said, “I think it’s cool you can just make friends with anyone in seconds and they’ll just tell you everything.” I didn’t know this about myself but after my friends said it to me numerous times I started to like that about myself. When my friends say it, it sounds positive but now I’m convincing myself it’s because I’m a monitoring spirit. I watched 20 videos about monitoring spirits because I was trying to convince myself that wasn’t me. Then they said monitoring spirits will keep up with all your social media. Watch your stories but never talk to you. They’re always watching and to be honest, I do that all the time. I get fascinated by people and tend to admire them from afar. Not only that, I lightly stalk all the men that made me cry before. I’m using the word lightly very lightly because sometimes i can make a habit out of things. The recent guy I stopped talking to gets checked on like twice a day or at least he used to. I stopped a week ago after reading his blog and it made me so sick to read. It was bullshit, obviously but I also really don’t blame him. Before him, I had a bf that I was with for all of my 20’s and every time we’d break up I’d get with someone else then they’d disappoint me and I’d just feel fucking miserable about my ex. I think everyone does this. So am I a monitoring spirit? I hope not. I need to get off of tiktok though, it’s making me nuts.

[knotgonnalye]

Lesbian radfem made the trauma from my fresh abuse worse.

I found radical feminism after dumping a very abuse ex and the trauma from being r@ped and was very confused about my sexuality. I thought I was bi and was told the most misogynistic slurs I have ever heard by lesbians and told it was "lesbophobic" to even defend myself. It was ongoing, I was in a radfem bi server and others would share the horrible things lesbians said about straight and bi women. Every online space where radfems gathered, I was never spared, I was an evil "bihet cumdumpster, cum brained, tainted by penis etc". That "there is no feminism without lesbianism" and to "get out of lesbian spaces" aka feminism cause only lesbians are the true feminists.

The straw that broke me was on ovarit and a radfem lesbian said basically just being around men, breathing the same air, just in the same room, "osa" women "absorb male energy and sexuality and lesbians can sense it". A bi woman argued this is just saying we are tainted by men like not being a virgin and the lesbian justified her stance. I just recently lost my father when I read that and was heavily mourning his passing.

(plus I was yelled at and berated ovarit admins for even asking for a bi only space)

Being in these spaces made me suicidal, hate myself, hate my body, be insanely hyper scared of any male, got sexually abused again this time by a woman, on top of freshly escaped a abusive relationship. I left all radfem groups, deleted my ovarit and left all radfem discords

After some healing (still in the process, day by day it's hard with my cPTSD) I'm straight and I feel so much more relief accepting being straight as normal and not a curse lesbians and lesbian influenced bisexuals made me to feel daily.

My unpopular take: lesbians were right. There is no feminism without lesbianism especially modern feminism. It's a Marxist cult which is destroying society. As a black women, 2nd wave feminism had a hand in the destruction of black America, influencing black women to "don't need no man", destroy the black nuclear family, created a baby mama matriarchal culture of where single mothers raised broken men(and women) and the demonization of black fathers, demonize marriage, demonize the nuclear family and even worse, planned Parenthood was run by a marxist racist Margaret Sanger who believed in destroying black people by aborting us in the womb, which in America, the most aborted unborn babies are black. So feminism supports the destruction of black people. Why would I take advice from a bunch of racist lesbian feminists who tell me I'm tainted because I like men?

Literally they proved to me they are the man hating feminazi that I thought wasn't real.

Take it or leave it but 2nd-4th(?) Wave feminism is absolutely Marxist filth. I know one may say my abusive ex is proof to "kill all men", but I love my father and maybe they just got daddy issues idk, plus it was a man who I was with who was so gentle with my abuse, flashbacks, was there when I wanted to off myself. Lesbian radfems encourage suicidal intentions by telling me I'm evil cause of my "osa". That I deserved my abuse cause I choose to be near men and deserve future abuse if I do it again, that I was looked at like shit in the sidewalk cause I said "I'm bi' and told I'm disgusting cause I dated men. It was lesbians feminists who made me feel worthless when I thought they "supported all women". They wanted "osa" women to worship them and their sexuality.

It's a Marxist cult. Modern qFeminism is Lesbian Marxism. A matriarchy is communism and it's beginning in the west.

It hates heterosexuality, hates the nuclear family, demonizes motherhood but worships the empty womb, practices sexual purity on women, blames women for their abuse, uses black women for their own agenda just like all woke ideologies.

I'm sure lesbians and other lesbian influenced feminists will twist everything l said like women usually do. , but I needed to get this off my chest and what better place is radbr, the garbage dump echo chamber that got me into this fucking mess.

Fuck modern feminism.

This is a lot. Ovarit is pretty tame, so I am not sure I believe you although I know many radfems are super weird and bigoted.