#whats especially crazy is that its not even like. what we consider full time work

[dailypokemoncrochet]

You know actually it's really insane I've been able to put so much time into making all of these Pokemon. Yes talent and skill and all that but like. The physical amount of time. I've spent SO much time on these and it's weird being able to have actual timestamps for a lot of the more recent ones.

[fiendishartist2]

im not fucking around anymore. here's the full "Paul is Care" essay i've been working on:

“Alright. So there's uh, nothing out here, as far as I've seen. But actually, I think there is something out here. I just haven't seen it yet.”

In Petscop, the story is told between the lines. When you feel like you have a grasp on it, a single colour or date throws off everything you’ve built up. That’s why I like to look at Petscop in another way; not as a series of events, but an exploration of a single character: Paul.

Some people like to map everything out in a single timeline; when did Care go missing, when did the family get the game, when did Lina and Mike die. I think that every interpretation of Petscop has its own value, because Petscop means something different to everyone who watches it. But, when I look at Petscop, I don’t just see a series of events wrapped up in the mystery of Care’s disappearance. I see a video game used as a device to explore and understand the connection between the past and the present. I see the ways in which Paul Leskowitz is Carrie Mark.

I know that to some that notion might seem crazy; the broader discussion of Petscop is different to the niche ones held by crazy people in the tags of a Tumblr post . Obviously, this theory is personally significant and I hold it very near and dear to my heart. But, I want to share this theory in a way that makes sense to the general audience of Petscop because I genuinely believe you guys are missing out! So, keep an open mind and enter my Petscop mind-palace…

“...were signs along the way. Um, that I ignored. Because it would have been a completely ridiculous idea to me. Um. But when I found my room, it made, uh, well, I was shocked at first, but it made sense, especially considering where I found the game in the first place, um, that it would be tied, in some way, to me through you. Um. And I'm trying to think, when was the last time I saw any of you at all? It had to have been in like, 1999. I was a kid, I was a small kid. Tiny kid. Um. And after that, just, you know. But, it would make sense in the timeline.” (Petscop 11)

A lot of Petscop theories surround the actual textual proof found in the videos, so that’s where I’ll start. There’s many instances where Paul makes the connection between himself and Care, but one moment continues to stick with me. In Petscop 11, Paul finally enters the house and takes a look around. He’s on the phone with someone, presumably Belle. Paul goes up to the calendars and starts talking about Care, “Yeah, on that topic... I don't remember meeting this girl at all. Um, I don't remember knowing her at any point (…) Um, and I remember you saying that we were, that we, we are, um, exactly the same age.” (Petscop 11). He points out that he and Care share the same birthday, down to the year. We get further confirmation of this in Petscop 14, when Paul’s conversation with Jill that he had on his own birthday is superimposed onto Care’s. The next part though, is what really gets the theory started, “I do agree there's a resemblance. Um. Very strong resemblance between us.” (Petscop 11).

Faces are incredibly important in Petscop. Marvin thought Care and Mike could be rebirthed into Lina because they had similar features, and Care had to be given Mike’s eyebrows specifically to change her room. So, for Paul and Care to have such similar facial features that someone else pointed out the resemblance is significant.

They also happen to share the name “Leskowitz”, which is both Anna and Lina’s last name. We know this because his Reddit account is “p_leskowitz”.

If he’s a Leskowitz, then that explains his complicated feelings towards “the family”. “The family” is a foreboding presence throughout Petscop. Their meddling isn’t outright malicious, but even Paul admits that he’s intimidated by them. And it makes sense, as “the family” (comprised of Anna and Jill) each have a major role in the core mystery of Petscop. Anna is the mother of Care and the wife of Marvin, while Jill is Marvin’s sister and the mother of both Rainer and Mike. To be a Leskowitz, Paul would need to be blood related to Anna or Lina in some way. Paul shows that he has this relation to the family in Petscop 22, when he’s talking to Belle about finding the windmill, “And, I don't th- and you don't have to worry about it, right, 'cause... 'cause you aren't, you aren't family, so you wouldn't... have a room, that's the thing.” (Petscop 22). In this context, Paul is asking Belle whether Jill has contacted her. When he tells her she doesn’t have a room, this is in reference to the Child Library explored in Petscop 3 and 7. This means that in order to be part of the Leskowitz-Mark family (and in our case, related to Care), you have to have a room in the Child Library, something both Paul and Care possess.

Paul being related to the family is also supported by his casual mention of meeting Rainer as a child, “‘Rainer’... I saw him at a birthday party once. All the older kids were down in the basement playing video games, to hide from everyone. He was down there, too. He was older than the rest of them, though.” (Petscop 11), and his confusion of not knowing Care, with the implication that if she was real, he would have met her through the family.

A rarely discussed aspect of Paul’s character is that he can’t tell his left from his right. When he’s doing the disc puzzle in Anna and Marvin’s room is Petscop 11, “Um, we can see what the room looks like in that recording, um, on the uh, right? ... Left? Left? Right ... side.” (Petscop 14) and before he even enters the house, “And, I mean, I still get confused about that. Because, I mean, well, I know it's always the top, but, um, I still have to think. I have to think.” (Petscop 11), we can clearly see that he has trouble with directions. In a similar fashion, Care is described as “dizzy”, most notably in the end credits of Petscop. She is also described as blind by Rainer in Petscop 17, “You were blind. At some point, your movements stopped making sense.” (Petscop 17). In the counsellor’s office, the counsellor says to Paul, “Are you right handed, or left handed? You don't know? Really?” (Petscop 22). I’ll get more into it later, but this sequence is presumably a real conversation that the game is recreating. If this scene is taken from Care’s real childhood, then it confirms that she also had problems with her lefts and rights.

Now, this is the base level of the theory. It’s easy to figure out that Paul is a Leskowitz, he literally calls them “the family”. And while I think the bits about faces and birthdays and directions are significant to this theory, I wanted to get all of the textual evidence out of the way so that I could get into the fun part of this essay: the subtext.

”Some things you can't rewrite.” (Petscop 14)

Petscop is nothing if not a collection of symbols and metaphors. Ask me what Petscop is all about on any given day and there’s a non-zero chance I will start explaining why the car is orange. While it is necessary to analyse Petscop as a real series of events, I think that another approach can be taken; what if we analysed Petscop as a series of events that are happening to Paul specifically? That the game is creating meaning by placing Paul specifically in these snippets of the past. By looking at each moment as “Why did the game make Paul do this?” instead of “What is happening in the game?”, we can see everything through a new lens.

First, I want to discuss colour. Colour plays a huge role in Petscop; almost every character is assigned their own colour. This is most often used to denote who is speaking in text, but it’s also used for other things like the tool. You are probably aware that Care’s colour is yellow, as all of her text is yellow. What you might not know is that Paul’s colour is red. Paul has exactly one instance in all of Petscop where he has coloured text and that is in Petscop 22, when he gives the counsellor his name. The calendars in the house are also colour coded, as the one showing 2017 is red.

One of my favourite moments in all of Petscop uses colour in a way that supports this theory perfectly. When Paul takes Care out of the rebirthing machine, she has been transformed into an Easter egg. A red and yellow striped Easter egg. I will get into this egg later on, but for now, I want to point out how Paul and Care’s colours have been used here. Of course, it’s significant just that they've been put together, but it's more than that. Care’s final form, the egg she has been placed in to keep her safe from all of the trauma she has suffered, that she will spend the rest of the series in, is painted a combination of her and Paul’s colours. In the same sequence, when Paul is playing the Needles Piano for Care B, the “wrong” notes he plays to turn her into the Easter Egg are all red. There’s a joke about eggs and transness in here somewhere.

Right after Care’s rebirth into the egg, Paul places her in the locker with the purple egg and the “new life” letter. If we abide by the established colour theory, this second egg would be Belle’s/Tiara’s egg. By putting them together, alongside the letter, it symbolises Care and Belle’s transfer to Lina’s care; this can also be supported by the ending of Petscop. In the final scene of the soundtrack, Belle recounts when she and Paul were adopted, “There is Boss waiting for her son. Pall do you remember being born. Smuggled away driving to your new house. Boss in driver seat me in back.” (Petscop Soundtrack). “Do you remember being born” is a question posed over and over again throughout Petscop. It’s meant to be a reference to rebirthing, but here it’s Paul being asked if he remembers being born, not Care; you can also connect this to the “new life” letter, making it apparent Belle is asking if he remembers when he was given his “new life” with her and “Boss”. There’s also the implication of the wording “smuggled away”, implying that there was something stopping Paul from being taken to his new home. Paul and Care’s final scenes parallel each other; Care is placed with Belle’s/Tiara’s egg with the “new life” letter, while Paul is taken back to “Boss” by Belle. Care and Paul are both asked if they “remember being born”.

Another, smaller piece of colour theory in Petscop comes from the board games in the counsellor’s office. The board game “Accident” features red and yellow puzzle pieces that fit together, but are broken apart. Remember that Care’s colour is yellow, so assume that she symbolises the yellow piece; Paul’s colour is red, so assume that he symbolises the red piece. The red piece is bigger and fits into the smaller yellow piece, like it’s missing the beginning of it. The yellow piece comes before the red piece, as if it adds context to the red piece. When we think of this in terms of Care and Paul, we can see that Care is the “missing piece” of Paul; the small part of his past that adds the context that completes him. Paul’s piece is bigger because he’s been Paul for so much longer (if we interpret the counsellor’s office as a real event the way it is shown, then that could be the moment he changed. Or, if we consider Care’s rebirth into the egg as the moment Care turned into Paul, then that would be the moment instead), meanwhile Care’s piece is small because she was only a small part of his life.

Taking colour into account, we can get into the meat of the symbolism in Petscop. When we view the events of Petscop through our new lens, many things become significant. Paul is placed in the role of Care many times throughout the series; on Care’s birthday, in the counsellor's office, and in Rainer’s “you are Carrie Mark” monologue.

During the “strange situation” birthday scene, Paul carries around a yellow balloon, symbolising that he is standing in for Care. This is further cemented by Anna’s dialogue addressing Paul as if he is Care on the day she came home, “You made it. Happy birthday! (...) Why are you covering your face? (...) Of course I recognize you. Those eyes. That nose. That’s still you.” (Petscop 14).

This next dialogue from Anna is particularly interesting to me; she doesn’t just tell Paul that she’s happy Care is home safe or ask him where she’s been, but instead she says this, “I sure hope you’ve realised by now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve changed. You aren’t lost. Stop wandering and come home.” (Petscop 14). When we talk about Petscop, we have the urge to deny any supernatural involvement in the story. Whether through AI or predictive programming or alternate timelines, we want Petscop to be plausible. Understandable. Easy to digest. But, we often forget that Paul poses the question of a literal “ghost in the machine” in the first few episodes. I want to consider this quote– Anna talking to her child who has been “lost” for many years– as an act of this ghost. The game is talking back to Paul, telling him that no matter how much he has changed, he still has the same eyes, the same nose that made him Carrie Mark. And we know how important eyes and noses are in Petscop. Also as a side note, consider how Anna didn’t specify eyebrows; we know that Care’s lack of eyebrows is in some way due to Marvin, but when she tells Paul she recognises his eyes and nose, she doesn’t add on eyebrows. Paul said it himself in Petscop 7, “Um, and why am I doing that? Well, because eyebrows seem to be important.” (Petscop 7). I like to think that she couldn’t have said that Paul has the same eyebrows because, since Marvin isn’t in the picture anymore, he wouldn’t have any reason to pluck them.

Another scene that mixes up Paul and Care is the counsellor's office. When Paul finally enters the “girl wall” in Petscop 22, he is placed into a school’s counsellor’s office. Again, they talk to Paul as if he is Care, apologising for taking him out of class and saying he needs to “catch up”, implying that he’s missed a significant amount of school. As they start to play Graverobber (Jesus Christ, Rainer), the counsellor is confused about Paul’s name; they ask him if they have the wrong name written down, as his save file is currently “Strange Situation” and when they called out the name on file, Paul didn’t respond. Now, the connection here is a little more nuanced, but it still comes to a conclusion that I think greatly supports the theory. “Strange situation” is in reference to the Mary Ainsworth Strange Situation Experiment, a test in which an infant is deliberately separated from their mother to test their level of attachment. This is a very base level understanding of this concept, but when applied to this specific scene, it becomes apparent that this “strange situation” is another reference to Care. Care was separated from her mother for about half a year, only returning during the birthday party scene; the counsellor’s scene was accessible once Paul started using the “Strange Situation” file. Care stopped recognising the name she used before the seperation, considering herself to be “Strange Situation” instead. She has literally stopped recognising the name Care, and picks out her own name (which in the game Paul sets to his own).

Also consider the implication of the “girl wall”. At first, it’s an absurd joke, meant to lighten the mood using the same roundabout humour the rest of the series has. But, the counsellor asking if they have the wrong name, listing Paul as “Strange Situation” instead of his name, combined with the fact that when Paul is placed in front of the girl wall, he can’t walk away from it, it becomes a bit of an analogy; The game keeps forcefully showing Paul the word “GiRL” over and over and when he finally enters the “girl-world” as Strange Situation, he is called the wrong name and once again placed in Care’s shoes.

Let’s revisit the “ghost in the machine” idea. In Petscop 17, we are shown a past recording of Petscop; we never find out who was playing at this time, but it’s easy to assume Paul is the one watching the recording. The footage is less interesting than the dialogue, but it is notable that it’s a recording of the player running backwards in a very deliberate pattern. The actually relevant part of this sequence is Rainer’s monologue; in particular, the way he frames it, “You are a girl named Carrie Mark, and you were born on November 12th, 1992. You have a mommy named Anna, a daddy named Marvin, an auntie named Jill, an uncle named Thomas, a cousin named Daniel, ......I know what you must be thinking. Have these statements always been true? Or have I cursed you? Is there such a thing? A curse that changes your past?” (Petscop 17). There’s something about the forcefulness of this dialogue, “You are Carrie Mark,” as if Rainer is trying to make it so just by saying it. The inclusion of the birthday is also notable; we have been shown time and time again that Paul and Care share a birthday, and that this is an important part of both of their characters. So, when Rainer asks if these statements have always been true, or if it’s “a curse that changes your past”, we’re meant to interpret it as such: some of the statements are true, but the “you” being addressed is not currently “a girl named Carrie Mark”. Rainer casts a spell to make the player retrace their steps and although he might not be playing, the use of the word “you” and present tense language makes the statement pointed towards Paul. There’s something to be said about Rainer’s position in all of this; he isn’t the only tangible “ghost” in Petscop (Marvin and Tiara fit Paul’s definition established in Petscop 6), but he’s the only one to be fully dead. It truly feels, in this moment, like Petscop– like Rainer�� is talking directly to Paul. The “curse that changes your past” is the part that ties it all together. This past that Paul doesn’t fully remember, where Anna and Marvin have a daughter named Care, where someone in his family went missing for months– by learning about this through the game, Rainer is essentially changing Paul’s version of the past. Your memory and physical evidence are all you have of the past; when your memory tells you one thing, but physical evidence tells you another, what version of your past is true?

“You’re the Newmaker. You can turn Care NLM into Care A, and close the loop.” (Petscop 9)

Finally, I want to explain why this theory is supportive of the themes of Petscop. Of course, there’s the obvious link between rebirth and the change from Care to Paul. But, there’s also themes of blood family versus chosen family, breaking the cycle of abuse, and of healing from your past. I want to provide an explanation of each of these themes and how the “Paul is Care” theory fits into them.

Let’s begin with the family point, since I already expanded on the family’s role in Petscop earlier. There’s a story behind the scenes in this series; the conflict between the chosen family versus the blood family. Anna and Jill against Belle and Lina. Anna and Jill are restrictive– they take over the channel and block certain things from the audience. Paul admits that he’s intimidated by them, and he’s concerned when he thinks Jill could be in contact with Belle. When we get the only dialogue from Jill, Paul is hostile and aggressive with her, something we don’t see from him otherwise. Alternately, Anna comes off as dismissive in most of her dialogue; when Care shows up at the birthday party, Anna treats her like no time has passed, like they haven’t been searching for her for months. We don’t get direct contact between Anna and Paul (except for a phone call in Petscop 11 that you could interpret as being with Anna), but the way she talks to the player through Care during the birthday party is still dismissive, “I sure hope you’ve realised by now. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been gone. It doesn’t matter how much you’ve changed. You aren’t lost. Stop wandering and come home.” (Petscop 14). There’s a level of distance between Paul and the family, which is evident from the name alone; Paul identifies himself as part of the family, but he still calls them “the family” as opposed to “my family”. When you pair that with the fact that he calls them all by their first names instead of any term of endearment (like how Rainer calls her “Auntie Jill” in his spell), it paints a clear picture: Paul does not want to be part of this family.

In direct contrast, Belle is shown a significant amount of affection from Paul. Not only is he on the phone with her for a good handful of the episodes, but Belle also has a familial connection to Paul. In Petscop 2, Paul is talking to Belle and he says “When you come home next month, and uh, hopefully you're feeling a little more enthusiastic about that now, we can investigate this together, and maybe you'll find stuff that I can't find here.” (Petscop 2). I think the casual use of the word ‘home’ to describe where Belle is staying implies a certain closeness, maybe even that they live in the same household. That’s not the part of this line that is important to me, however. Take a look at Belle’s final speech at the end of Petscop; Belle says “I could not wait too be your friend,” and Paul responds, “Family”, to which Belle says, “We can investigate this together.” (Petscop Soundtrack). After distancing himself from the family, as well as directly telling her she’s not part of the family (following it up with “Uhh... I didn't- I didn't mean it that way,” (Petscop 22), implying they have a similar connection that she’s defending), Paul calls Belle family. She states that they’re friends and Paul corrects her by telling her that they’re not just friends, but family. The most gut wrenching part of this dialogue is the use of ‘we can investigate this together’. It’s like a ward, a promise that Belle is making to Paul. He doesn’t have to go through this alone, she’s promising to be there for him. She’s going to investigate this with him, like he asked her to in the second episode. Paul doesn’t call his blood relatives family, but he tells Belle that they are his family; her and the “Boss”.

How does this connect to Care? It’s not hard evidence, but when you take this theme of family into account, it makes more sense for Paul to have a strained relationship with the family if we apply Care’s story to him. Think about it; Paul was ‘smuggled away driving too [his] new house’ and he hasn’t seen the family since he was a child, and Care’s egg was (metaphorically) placed with Belle’s and the New Life Letter when she would have been around 5, since that’s the age she was when she was kidnapped. Care went through an extremely traumatic event in a toxic environment– why wouldn’t someone step in and take her out of that family? To me, this theory extends the same closure Paul gets at the end of Petscop to Care; it tells us that even after everything she went through, she finds people who love and take care of her.

Abuse is a huge focus in Petscop, both as a plot point and a major theme. Rainer’s main motivation is to expose Marvin’s abuse of both Mike and Care to the family– whether or not that’s successful is not important. Because years after Rainer’s attempt, Paul is back doing the exact same; although, his playthrough of Petscop is less of an expose and more of an attempt at solving the mystery. Now, I think it’s a little pedantic, but in this context, I think the “cycle of abuse” in Petscop refers less to a generational cycle, but a continuous cycle that happens every time Petscop is played. Care is stuck in this version of the past that Rainer has created, forced to live through it as many years as Petscop is left on. Paul doesn’t continue this cycle though; as far as we know, Paul is the only person to reach the good ending of the game, where he’s rebirthed Care into the egg and reconnected with Belle and ‘Boss’. Paul is the only person who could understand what Care needed, because it’s exactly what he needed.

Care’s trauma is replayed for us throughout Petscop. Every knowable aspect of it is shown, leaving behind a raw feeling; like somehow, Paul and Rainer have made a spectacle of her abuse. But, I don’t think that’s entirely true. Rainer, although he is bitter and vengeful, is ultimately the person who finds the truth about Care and Mike and (if we are to believe him) is also the one who found Care at the school. In the beginning, it’s obvious that Paul is playing the game to see the mystery and is slowly engulfed by it throughout the rest of the series. When the game tells him that, “Marvin picks up tool hurts me when playstation on,” (Petscop 3), Paul proceeds anyway. The same happens when Care is caught in her room; Paul sees what is obviously a child being kidnapped and continues to solve the puzzle anyway. He picks the flower, catching Care NLM, and leads Marvin to the house. Paul follows through on everything he can to ‘solve’ the mystery of Carrie Mark, but in the end, he defies what the game has told him to do and saves Care. He does what Rainer couldn’t do: he breaks the cycle of abuse in the Mark-Leskowitz family. It’s kind of poetic, the idea that the person Care grew to be is the same person who confronts and lays to rest her trauma. The fact that playing his own theme would be the key to changing Care into the egg (a symbol of birth and potential) is beautiful.

The last thing I want to talk about is the theme of healing. This concept is more nebulous; we don’t see much of Paul post-Petscop, but the final scene does always leave me feeling hopeful for him. I think the reconnection with Belle and ‘Boss’, alongside the reassurance that, “[they] can investigate this together,” shows that Paul is out of the mindset and environment Petscop put him in. I’ve always thought that throughout Petscop, we see a deterioration of Paul; in the beginning, he’s intrigued and confused, but we see him become more and more disturbed, irritable, and frustrated towards the end. This is first evident with the CD puzzle in the house, where Paul is so out of his depth and confused that he stops acting with the same calm rationality shown throughout the earlier episodes. Then, when Paul is messing about with the demo recordings, he stops speaking in the videos entirely. When Paul sees the final blacked out object, which are coordinates to the real life windmill, he is the most stuttery we’ve ever seen, “Hm. Y- y- yep, yep. Yep... yep. N- we would- we would have to find out how big... like, we'd have to find out how big a tile is..? One of the tiles..? Like, if we could- if we could figure out how big... one tile is, in... u- in, umm... Like, feet. Or... Uhh, yeah. Meters.” (Petscop 22). He’s frazzled and excited and a little bit scared, evidenced by how he talks about the family, “They didn't... I don't like talking to them. They intimidate me…” (Petscop 22). All of this changes by the end; Paul is no longer stuck playing the game and he’s free to return to the people who love him most. This freedom is summed up in a single image: the final one we see in Petscop. Paul’s chair is empty and the blue sky beyond the desk is brimming with hope.

All this to say, Paul choosing Belle and ‘Boss’ over the game as well as saving Care by doing what’s best for her instead of finishing the final puzzle, alongside his final scene where he is welcomed home by his real family, shows us an interpretation of Petscop that paints it not as a tragedy, but a story of chosen family, breaking the cycle of abuse, and healing trauma through connection.

Thank you so much for hearing me out.

Bye-bye!

[starshower1215]

AOT Veterans: Modern AU HCs

Hange would learn a lot about engineering and building stuff. They'd have the messiest garage full of tools for metal fabrication, welding, woodworking. They'd also have the oldest car to have ever existed, a comically unreliable one in fact, and perhaps one that they'd bought cheap and fixed up themself.

The oldest car and then a motorcycle they share with Mike. The motorcycle is probably old, too, though.

Erwin would work as a private investigator. He has the intelligence and intuition for such things, and I think he would truly enjoy the challenges of analyzing clues and fitting pieces of information together. He'd be able to utilize his ability to be one step ahead very thoroughly.

Hange probably went to university or is in university, studying something crazy cool like astrobiology. I think they would love astrobiology, actually, considering the incredible number of layers of science you'd need to learn to major in something so complicated.

Erwin loves to sit down with Hange and listen to them drone on and on about what they're learning. He is probably the only one who does, but he just loves the idea that they aren't alone on Earth, that life could be out there somewhere even if we don't see or know it yet. They love theorizing about aliens, wondering late at night if they have eyes or if they have senses that humans don't, if they can detect dark matter or not. The two of them can stay up the whole night like this.

In all universes, Levi works in a cafe. He likely didn't attend school, or didn't pay attention much because his family was in debt due to his mother's medical bills. He had bigger problems, but he does enjoy his life in a cafe.

Nanaba works as a hairdresser. She just really loves the feeling when she brings out an entirely new side of a person, or encourages them be more like themselves. She finds it to be a very caring job, and she loves when her customers leave the shop satisfied with a fresh new style.

She struggles with money a little bit because she gave up wealth in favor of pursuing something she likes.

Nanaba definitely does not accept help when it comes to finances, though, no matter how much her friends offer it to her. She's stubborn, and everyone knows it. So some days, Mike will invite her out to eat with him to spare her the trouble of dinner. It's a win-win, too, because he likes her a lot.

Levi only takes taxis. He doesn't like to drive or bike or take the bus, especially not the bus due to its unclean environment. He also carries sprayable hand sanitizer around, along with a tube of Lysol wipes. He offers Lysol wipes and hand sanitizer for free at his cafe because he always appreciates when they have such things available in public. They just sit on the counter, ready for usage.

Hange is always studying at Levi's cafe on the weekends. Sometimes they drag Nanaba along to sit there with them. Levi gives Nanaba a free muffin purely out of bias, then makes Hange pay for whatever they want to eat.

But he secretly gives them a discount.

Maybe Mike works as a health coach. Not sure where this one came from, but he has the motivation and the attitude for it. He's the therapy friend of the group, but with less emphasis on emotion and more emphasis on finding the solutions.

Mike always wears athletic clothes.

The five of them have a five-way dinner date type of thing, where they meet up at the end of every week, at one of their houses usually, to cook together, eat food, play music and games, watch movies, and just unwind and have a fun time. A lot of weeks, they'll make a party out of it. The five of them will invite the others: Nifa, Moblit, Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gelgar, and other obscure characters.

It is here that Levi, Petra, and Nanaba often don their matching sweatpants (there's another post about this)

The veterans may also get drunk, depending on who it is. It's a given for Gelgar, but Levi has shown preferences for tea.

Usually, they all sleep on the floor together, or split the house into the bedrooms and the sofas. Erwin and Mike are big, so they hog beds all to themselves. The rest of them make do; Nanaba and Eld make pillow forts on the carpet and camp there while Hange sprawls out to the side, and Levi and Petra stuff themselves into the crevices because they're small.

[aceofstars16]

Hey look, I'm posting the next chapter! (Which means I finished the rough draft of the rest of the fic, woohoo!)

I'll be trying to edit and post the last two chapters in the next week or so, but I wanted to post this one before the end of @stanuary so...enjoy!

Chapter 4: Alone Again Dipper and Stan are on their own again, but things quickly go wrong and Stan is faced with a choice.

Full fic below the cut (in case people don't want to use AO3)

Dipper’s hand gripped Stan’s tightly. Normally, Stan would’ve pulled away ages ago, but he didn’t care enough to do so now. Ford didn’t want him around. And even if it was an older version of his brother…it showed that it could happen. Ford could hate him. Something could come between their bond. And just the thought of that made Stan sick to his stomach. He didn’t even pay attention to where he was walking, he just mindlessly followed Dipper and wished he had never met the older version of Ford.

Stan didn’t realize Dipper had stopped until he bumped into his leg, jolting him back into the present. He shook his head, telling himself that none of his thoughts mattered. His Ford was dimensions away and he didn’t need to think about an older Ford. Especially when he so clearly didn’t care about Stan.

Glancing around, Stan saw that the streets were once again crowded, like they had been the day before. He found himself subconsciously gripping Dipper’s hand a little tighter. He didn’t care to repeat being separation from his grunkle. Opening his mouth, Stan was about to ask where they were heading when Dipper quickly dragged him to an alleyway at the corner of a building. The quick action set Stan’s nerves on edge. Dipper was clearly worried, and after everything that had happened in the past day, Stan felt his own worry growing. Adventures were fun, but he wouldn’t mind a few days were nothing crazy happened – though that seemed unlikely considering the way his life usually went.

“What’s wrong?” Stan asked quietly as Dipper glanced around the corner.

“Bounty hunter.” Dipper said quietly, a small frown on his face. Stan knew that look; it meant his grunkle was trying to figure out the best course of action.

“We could go on another road?” Stan suggested, glancing down the alley that they had stepped into, it hit another road but he didn’t know exactly where that road went…or where Dipper wanted to go. Anywhere is better than here. Stan thought, pushing aside the memory of older Ford.

Dipper glanced down the alleyway as well, still frowning. When he returned his gaze to Stan, his expression was wary. “This hunter tracks by scent…If we split up, and cover out scents, we can confuse him.”

Stan froze for a moment as the words registered. “Split up?”  

“It’ll only be for a little while.” Dipper looked out at the main street again. “You head back to the last alley. I’ll go the opposite direction and find another alley to go down. Stay at the end of yours and wait for me, don’t go onto the street.”

Anxiety tried to claw its way into Stan’s chest, but he fought it back, instead giving Dipper his best assured nod. It was a simple plan; he would see Dipper again in no time.

“Good. Now…” Dipper carefully opened a crate that was pushed up against the wall. Shaking his head, he closed it then tried another, this time pulling out two bags.

“Stealing?” Stan asked, a playful grin growing on his face. Dipper had chastised him when they first met about Stan’s affinity for stealing.

The smallest smile grew on the corner or Dipper’s mouth. “Borrowing.” Then he opened one of the bags and sniffed it. With a nod, he grabbed a few leaves out of it and rubbed them on his clothes. He offered the other bag to Stan and he followed suit, though he couldn’t help but scrunch up his nose at the smell. The leaves in his bag smelled a lot worse than whatever plant Dipper had used.

Once the bags were back in the crate, Dipper nodded. “That should do it.”

Stan sniffed his sleeve and made a face. “I smell like manure.”

Dipper let out a quiet chuckle. “Well at least it should keep Freglo from smelling you.” He glanced at the main road again, a worried wrinkle on his forehead. “Okay, you know the plan?”

Stan nodded. It wasn’t that complex of a plan after all, it was so simple a baby could do it.

Dipper nodded and took one step before pausing and looking at Stan. “One more thing…If I don’t meet you in the alley in ten minutes…go back to Ford and Mabel. You know how we got here, right?”

Just the mention of Ford made Stan freeze up. He didn’t want to see the older version of his brother again, no matter what happened. It was easier to ignore the hurt aching in his chest if he just pretended that version of Ford didn’t exist and he’d never met or talked to him.

“Stan?”

“I…” shoving down the aching in his chest, Stan nodded. “I’ll see you in a bit.”

Stan could feel Dipper’s gaze on him and he forced himself to meet his grunkle’s gaze and give a confident smile – despite not feeling anything of the sort. Dipper returned the smile, though his was strained, then he nodded and patted Stan’s head.

“See you in a bit.”

Then Dipper stepped out into the crowd and was gone. Stan was once again alone. But it would be fine. Taking a deep breath, he stepped out into the street as well, pushing his way in between aliens to make his way back to the previous alley, doing his best to look inconspicuous. He had just ducked into the alley Dipper had mentioned when he heard gunfire.  

Stan quickly ducked next to the wall and looked around, but after a moment, he realized the gun shots weren’t close enough to be aimed at him. Fear gripped his heart and he quickly looked out into the main street, the way Dipper had gone. He thought he saw some sort of scuffle and despite knowing Dipper wouldn’t approve, Stan raced towards the disturbance. Unfortunately, his speed was greatly hindered by the crowd, especially since most of the creatures seemed to be rushing away from the noise. 

When he reached the spot, the crowd was returning to normal. Stan looked around desperately, but he was too short. With a growl, he forced his way to a drain of some sort on the side of a building and climbed up, high enough so he could see above the crowd. He scanned the crowd, looking for his grunkle, despite knowing that finding him in the sea of aliens would be just about impossible.

Then he saw it, something that wasn’t quite right. A creature in all black, with a barbed tail. And it was carrying something onto its back. No, not something, someone.

Dipper.

Stan slid down to the ground, desperate to save his grunkle. But as the crowd swarmed around him, he realized it was pointless. The bounty hunter had a head start, and Stan could barely push his way through at a walking pace.

Then Dipper’s last instructions echoed in Stan’s mind. Find Ford and Mabel. It was the last thing Stan wanted to do. But…what else could he do? He couldn’t just leave Dipper to the bounty hunters. But what if Ford doesn’t want to help? Gritting his teeth, Stan shook his head. Even if Ford didn’t want to help, Mabel would. Stan could always count on Mabel.

Swallowing hard, Stan looked around and found the alley he had been in before he heard the gunfire. From there he could figure out his way back to the storage room…hopefully.

-----

“Where are Dipper and Stan?!?”

Panic gripped Mabel as she looked around the room but Ford was the only one there. Had Dipper and Stan gone to get supplies?

“They left.” Ford said quietly, not making eye contact with Mabel as he put a barrel in front of the door.

“What? Why?” Mabel tried to stand up but her whole body was weak and Ford quickly moved to put a hand on her shoulder to keep her from moving any more.

“Dipper saw a bounty hunter when he was getting medicine. He took Stan with him to…” Ford trailed off and shook his head.

“But they’re coming back?” They wouldn’t just leave without saying goodbye, right?

“I…no…I believe Dipper was hoping that the bounty hunters were only after him and Stan, and that by leaving, they wouldn’t come looking for us.” As he spoke, Ford kept his gaze on the ground.

“But…we just found each other!” Mabel tried fighting back the fear and betrayal growing in her chest, but it was a losing battle. “Why didn’t you wake me up so we could go with them?”

Ford grimaced but shook his head. “You’re still recovering, Mabel. You...” a shadow passed over Ford’s face as he glanced at her leg. “Your leg was badly injured and your body needs time to heal. Moving around would only put more strain on it.”

“But I feel fine!” Mabel said, despite knowing it wasn’t true. She was exhausted and she could barely sit up. Her leg ached and it was hard to focus.

One look from Ford, and Mabel could see that he didn’t believe her. But instead of responding, he reached out and felt her forehead, his hand cooler than she thought it should’ve been.

“You still have a slight fever,” Ford said quietly, as if talking to himself.

“I’m okay…really! I just-” Mabel’s voice caught and she swallowed hard, but that didn’t stop the tears from forming in her eyes. “We just found Dipper and Stan…I know it wasn’t…our Stan and Dipper but-” Her voice broke again as tears fell.

“I know…I…I’m sorry, Mabel…” Ford said quietly.

“How…how long ago did they leave? Could…could we catch up to them?” It was a flimsy hope, but Mabel had to know. If there was still a chance to find them…to have at least one Dipper in her life again, she’d do anything to get him back.

Shaking his head, Ford sighed. “It wasn’t too long ago but if the crowds are anything like the other day, there is no way we could find them. Plus, you need to rest your leg.”

“You could carry me?” Mabel couldn’t help but suggest, after all he had carried her in the past.

Ford pursed his lips. “I could…but we wouldn’t find them. And you need more rest.”

“I can rest later.” Sure, she was exhausted, but she could handle being tired if it meant getting to be with Dipper and Stan.

“Mabel…”

A hurried knock interrupted Ford and he quickly glanced up at the door, his hand going to his holster. He stood quickly and inched towards the door, gun at the ready.

“Who’s there?” Ford called out in a low voice. Mabel recognized it as his “trying not to sound like himself” voice.

There was silence for a moment, then a muffled voice responded. And although Mabel couldn’t quite make out what was said, Ford froze. A moment later, he pushed the barrel aside and opened the door to reveal a very welcome sight to Mabel.

Little Stan.

-----

Pain. That was the first thing Dipper was aware of. Slowly, more of his senses came to life. He was lying on something hard, his arms were tied behind his back, and he was chained to the wall. His whole body ached too, and his head felt fuzzy.

Forcing himself to listen, Dipper didn’t hear anything that gave the indication of immediate danger. As such, he opened his eyes, only to see a wall. Carefully sitting up, he looked around to find that he was in a room. A tiny room with no windows and only one door.

Slowly, the memory of what had happened came back to him. Dipper had seen Freglo, and had pulled out his gun when he realized the bounty hunter had seen him. But he’d only gotten off a few shots when something had struck him. Unbeknownst to him, Freglo was working with a different bounty hunter, one Dipper had only seen for a moment before he blacked out. Gardon. The hunter had a barbed tail, not unlike a scorpion. It was known to knock any creature out, though, thankfully it didn’t kill, as was evident by Dipper being alive and…somewhat well.

“I say we just take the bounty on this one!”

A muffled voice came through the door, but Dipper couldn’t make out who it was.

“There’s a bigger bounty if we capture the rest. I ain’t sharing just his bounty.” Freglo. The scenting bounty hunter had a distinct lilt to his voice that Dipper could make out even through the door.

“Then why don’t you move your lazy tail and track them?” Another voice, though it sounded different than the first one. Were there more than two bounty hunters?

But the question faded in Dipper's mind a the words registered. He already knew the hunters would be on the lookout for Stan. It had been known for a little while that Dipper was no longer alone. But something about the way they were talking made Dipper think that they knew about Ford and Mabel as well. And if they did…Dread pooled in his gut.

He wanted to do something, to dissuade the bounty hunters from looking for them. But he knew bounty hunters. If Dipper tried to convince them that Ford and Mabel weren’t in this dimension, it would only assure them that they were. All he could do was hope that Stan had found Mabel and Ford and that they had already left this dimension. Sure, then he would be doomed, but if the rest of his family was safe…it would be worth it.

-----

“Stanley?” The name slipped out of Ford’s mouth before he could think. He had expected to never see this or any version of his brother again, but here he was. Stan looked at him for a second, emotions flickering across his face so fast that Ford couldn’t quite tell what he was thinking. But as Stan looked away, it was clear he still believed Ford didn’t want him around, which simultaneously saddened and frustrated Ford.

“Stan!” Mabel’s voice came from further in the room and Stan’s face brightened a little.

Swallowing down any of his own uncomfortable emotions, Ford glanced ouside, but didn’t see Dipper anywhere. Unease grew in his gut and he quickly closed the door.

“Where…where’s Dipper?”

Ford turned to see worry etched on Mabel’s face.

“He…bounty hunters.” Stan said, and even from his position at the door, Ford saw him swallow hard.

Ford had expected as much, what with Stan returning so quickly, but it still didn’t stop his chest from constricting as he saw Mabel’s eyes grow wide.

“What?!?”

“I…I want to rescue him but…” Stan glanced at Ford for a moment, uncertainty in his gaze. “I need help…”

“We’ll help!” Mabel jumped to her feet, only to sway and immediately sit down again, wincing a little at the pain. But instead of paying any attention to her own wounds, Mabel looked at Ford, anxiety and desperation clouding her gaze. “Right, Grunkle Ford?”

Stan stared at the wall, as if he didn’t want to know Ford’s response. It hurt, seeing how quickly Stan had gone from seemingly grateful to have Ford back, to not even wanting to look at him. But Ford tried not to think of that as he looked at Mabel and nodded.

“Of course.”

“Really?” This time Stan did look at Ford, surprised.

Ford pushed aside all of the reasoning why they shouldn’t try to save Dipper. After all, it would be a risk, a big one. But he couldn’t force himself to do what he should do to keep Mabel and Stan safe. Because he knew, if he did, Mabel – and Stan – would never forgive him. And he wasn’t quite sure he could live with that.

“Really.”

A small smile grew on Stan’s mouth, one directed at Ford.

Returning the smile, Ford pushed the barrel back in front of the door, resolution growing in his chest as he looked at Mabel and Stan. “But we’ll need a plan.”

[578memorylane]

watched the pmoon anniversary stream. ramblings are below if you care about that

DON QUIXOTE MANAGER OF LA MANCHA LAND YIPPEE YIPPEE YIPPEE....animations look super cool and i love how they change based on the other bloodfiends in the party. must pull on aesthetics alone though im sure she'll be super powerful. must complete the lamanchaland quartet

not sure how i feel about the dispenser change. i do think people are a little too quick to doompost about it - all in all, waiting one week to dispense new ids is not a huge deal and is still leagues more generous than most gachas. but i also understand people being frustrated about it. its one of those things i think we have to see an official announcement on before we come to conclusions. as a whole as long as this doesnt spiral into greedier decisions i think i can live with it

intervallo reruns are cool! its neat that they'll be adding additional ego and announcers too. obviously its nothing new story wise but its pretty standard for a live service game and gives them more time to work on new stuff. and if the rewards are the same it means more tickets heheheheheh

WALPURGISNACHT theme is...full stop office? did not expect this tbh but its a welcome surprise, i like giving the spotlight to less popular characters. i do wish we got a different ego instead of der freischutz though. i love der bro but we just got two ego for an aberration of him + outis magic bullet id...yesod gets all the luck. i want my magical girls ego

very interested in the new intervallos. i wonder if we'll get sweeper IDs? maybe new lcb IDs for the lcb regular checkup? man we havent gotten lcb IDs since season 1...that's crazy...

i am very afraid for next railway that's all i will say for now

ARKNIGHTS COLLAB IS MENTAL...i dont play arknights and dont plan to but the fact they scored a collab is pretty awesome, especially considering the games are friendly fandoms? true limited ego is a bummer but not surprising considering licensing is an issue with things like this. probably not a must pull for me but depends on the designs. also im curious how they will justify this in canon (if it even is canon).

pmoon. pmoon if you are reading this. PLEASE make an online merch store. pmoon i would spend an unreasonable amount of money on it. i need that lcb zip up hoodie. pmoon please. PLEASE. I NEED OFFICIAL PROJECT MOON MERCHANDISE. PLEA

reducing the amount of 00 ids is a bummer and a lot more of a negative to me, i hope they reconsider it. i understand they may be less fun to design from a gameplay perspective but i think they are important to keeping the game f2p/low spender friendly. like i am a low spender (usually just buying bp) and i almost never pull on banners with just 000s/ego unless it has something i really want on it. so i dont really know if it will really increase profits? it depends what the future banner schedule will look like

identity skins are interesting? not sure how to interpret it tbh. feels like it would be kind of hard to implement with things like multi coin attacks and aoes? but i guess thats why its more of a stretch goal.

overall pretty banger stream 8/10 i love the city i live in

[blossombriefs]

Legendary | Chapter Eight

Guiding us through the beautiful fields, The Grand Elder had two towering Namekian guards lead us to where we'd stay for the next while. Despite being quite close to The Grand Elder's home, we were secluded from the villages. With their direction, we were led to a white, domed, capsule-shaped house with a small garden outside. It was decorated with blue-leaved trees and various rock decorations dotted around in different shapes and sizes. The path in the garden led the way to an arched doorframe that welcomed the pair of us. I smiled to myself, the building looked quaint. After we took in the outside of the house, the guards gave us a password to use in Namekian that would allow the door to open for us and let us in and out. The guards bowed, their given instructions completed.

"The Grand Elder will expect you both at his home for a meal in a few hours. Please take this time to settle in and make yourselves at home."

We headed inside together, Broly gasping as he took in the inside. I was struck by its simple yet elegant decor and design. We decided to take a small tour of the house, noticing how strikingly spotless it was - almost as if it had never been lived in before. Walls were light grey, carpets were cream, and earthy-toned furnishings accented the room. The interior was bathed in a soft, ambient light that warmed the entire space. The bathroom was compact yet luxurious, the fixtures gleamed and the shelves were full of soft, fluffy towels. The spacious shower promised relaxation after our long journey and would prove to be perfect after any training we'd both endure on Namek. 

The bedroom was equally as gorgeous, proving to be a tranquil retreat. In the corner of the room was a large, comfortable bed adorned with fresh white linen and plump pillows. The small balcony had breathtaking views over the green and blue surroundings. Taking a step onto it, I inhaled the fresh air as I admired the gardens below.

Finally, the main living room had a cosy seating arrangement. Plush cushions arranged around a low coffee table for dining and a small couch was in the corner, decorated with lovely woven blankets featuring traditional Namekian designs. I settled back on one of the spaces on the couch, swinging my feet up before letting out a relaxed sigh. Having been hosted by The Grand Elder and his people, I felt so grateful. I felt an undeniable peace within these walls, despite the looming danger we anticipated.

Broly paced in the living space in front of me, his brows furrowed with his finger on his lip as he was clearly deep in thought, "Do you think the Grand Elder knows why we're here? Do you think he saw who's going to attack Namek?"

I shrugged, I had only considered the possibility briefly. "It's hard to say in all honesty. If he sent that distress signal, I'd assume he must have an idea of what's coming."

Broly nodded, his expression serious, "We need to be prepared for anything. I know you probably wouldn't mind but I'd love it if you could help train me. You're strong and smart. I'd love to learn how to be more of a soldier."

I observed his determination, I was admittedly impressed as his request elected his sincere desire to grow stronger and keep his strength more under control. His openness to learn from me felt like a testament to his trust. It was touching. With a simple nod, I acknowledged his request. I understood how important it is to hone your skills, especially when we are facing potential danger together.

"I'd be honoured to help you train, Broly," I replied, meeting his gaze with a reassuring smile. "We'll start with the basics and work our way up. Your rage is a huge factor. It terrifies even me. You're so soft and gentle with me but when you're angry you go crazy. I can try and help with that. Remember, strength isn't just physical. It's about strategy. adaptability and resilience too. I'll focus on all aspects to ensure you're prepared."

Broly's expression softened into a grateful smile, a sense of relief clear in his eyes. "Thank you, Flora. I know I have lots to learn, but with your guidance, I believe I can become a better protector and a better warrior."

We started off discussing training schedules and techniques, and the closeness between us was more and more evident. Despite how uncertain the future head, we found solace in a shared determination. We have to protect Namek and it's people. Our discussions went on for hours. We planned to train in Namek's fields for an outdoor training space. They stretched for miles are weren't close to the villages so it was safe just in case Broly went a little out of control again.

As one of Namek's suns began to dip under the horizon, a warm orange glow was briefly cast over the landscape. We both knew it was time to head to The Grand Elder's home for dinner. Once we had showered we both got ready, changing into the garments the Namekians had provided us. Broly dressed in a black dress shirt and pants and I was given a white dress with a black corseted waist. I had never worn a dress before. Looking at myself in the mirror, I smiled gently. I felt pretty. I helped Broly button up his shirt, looking up at him as I made sure he looked presentable. It was hard for him to leave Ba's ear behind, it was going to be cleaned while we were out. I stepped outside, looking up to Broly to catch a relaxed level of anticipation behind his eyes. 

"I've never been to something like this before," he trailed as he shuffled his feet in the fluffy grass below.

"Neither have I," I replied, approaching him slowly.

Together, we walked along a short path and up the hill that led to The Grand Elder's home. The air was filled with a gentle hum from the Namekian wildlife and the soft rustle of leaves in the evening breeze. The towering trees cast long shadows over the path as we quickly approached the tall standing stone building. We were greeted by the two warriors who had shown us to the home, ushering us inside. I looked around in amazement as the entrance was decorated with soft lighting and intricate carvings, Namek's rich history was all documented through these impressive designs immortalised in the stone. As we followed them both up some stairs we were led inside the grand dining room. Broly stayed close by my side as we were greeted by the head of the long, polished, wooden dining table that was set before us, The Grand Elder. The table was decorated beautifully with small statues and candles, each seat had it's own fine china and cutlery arrangement. As always, I felt calm,

"Welcome, my wonderful guests," The Grand Elder said, his deep voice echoing in the sheer size of the dining room. "Please, take your seats at each side of me. Dinner will be served shortly."

As we settled into our chairs, the table would gradually fill up with more guests from the Namekian council who were invited along with us. The chatter was loud as gradually the table was laid out with plenty of freshly cooked dishes. Plates were piled high with native fruits and vegetables, steaming bowls of fragrant soups and platters of seasoned dishes added more colour to the room. Wine sourced from local vineyards was poured into everyone's glasses, everyone clinking glasses as the festivities continued. Broly took a sip, pursing his lips and flaring his nostrils upon his first taste. 

Throughout the meal I found that the conversation between The Grand Elder and I. Broly listened along, nodding as he filled his mouth with food and continued sipping from his glass. The Grand Elder was incredibly interested in the stories of how Broly and I crossed paths, our fight with Frieza's men and our brief journey through the stars before receiving his signal. When given the chance, Broly touched on his story too. He shared about his banishment to Vampa with his father, and the years he spent in solitude clearly reflected on him.

"May I ask my young boy, do you know what happened to your father?" The Grand Elder questioned. Sighing, Broly clenched his fork tightly as he looked down at his plate.

"I don't know," he responded. "One minute he was there, the next he wasn't."

The Grand Elder nodded, resting a hand on Broly's firm shoulder. I looked on, contemplating the mystery. I hoped it was something we would find out the answer to along our journey, for his sake more than anyone else's. He cleared his throat before issuing a response, "Just know your father would be proud of the strong man you are today."

He looked to me next, the discussion moving on. He placed a firm hand on my shoulder too. "My army is built of the finest kinds of warriors. Some of them exhibit unfathomable strength to protect our people."

His head turned to Broly, "But where would we be if we didn't also have guardians to overlook the planet's wellbeing?"

"My Namekian army is formed of warriors and guardians. The two roles cannot work in harmony without trust and understanding. I don't think I need to educate you both on that."

I looked across the table to see Broly smiling back over to me, I couldn't help but return it. I felt like an idiot for how wide my lips held my grin. His cheeks were warmed with a slight blush as he took another swig from his wine glass. The Grand Elder leaned towards me next, his lips near enough to touch my ear as he made a simple request.

"When the meal is over, would you mind staying behind? We have much to discuss."

Next Chapter Chapter List

[mademoiselle-cookie]

The Green lost

And I have mixed feelings about it.

1. First, good.

In-universe, bc having the good guys teams being eliminated first is so bittersweet and I love this shit. No one is free of sin, everyone did something wrong and fucked-up at some point, but each team has its thing : the Red are the crazy one, the Blue the bad guy one and the Green are the kind one. It's the group who's leader has forbidden to burn stuff bc it's not nice, who chose to help a team even after they destroy their stuff in the most cowardly and spiteful way, who still had principles in this nightmare of an island. They had really strong members with exp in this kind of situations. And they lost. Wonderful.

Out-of-universe, bc whatever shit the admins have in mind, the player can leave now. Etoiles was starting to get tired of Minecraft and it was taking up a lot of his time. Taking a week's break and getting away from the drama will be good for the team (especially Bagi, poor girl got harassed a lot. I love you Bagi)

2. Wasted potential.

If the event was really for pvp, and the team members had been able to be present earlier, the Greens would have been the strongest. And now we will never have the opportunity to see the full extent of their strength and talent.

BUT ABOVE ALL, their team dynamic. The players weren't that used to playing together, so it was an opportunity to see them exchange more, create or explore their relationships more… The creation of a found family is super interesting!

Seeing the friendship between Roier and Etoiles, two fighters who absolutely want to fight but still have honor (what an idea to put them in the same team) with the added dynamic of a knight and his leader to protect (Mario and Peach lol), Forever very intelligent and strategist who calls himself the mother of the team, Elquackity the traitor who did not show his true potential (except when he voluntarily gave victory to the Red on the 2nd day), Ironmouse who had a very touching and interesting moment with Etoiles about their chronic illness… is something I wanted to see develop. And it will never happened.

3. It was a foregone conclusion.

The competition with the punishment of being eliminated for the loser was announced a few hours before said competition. The day when many Green players are normally not there, where the leader and strongest and most present member on the server had another more important event at the same time. You're not going to make me believe that any of the admins didn't know that this tournament existed, or that Etoiles, a Smash player, would ignore it despite its great importance. The competition could have taken place on Saturday instead of shutting down the server, or it could have been closed for another day, or the admins could have warned the players that something important would happen on Sunday so they could have tried to work something out.

I ask everyone watching Green's POV, did you even have hope that they would win? Well not me. I love them, I think they're the best, but I had no illusions. They were going to lose. The tie was impossible, the event would have been pointless otherwise, and the victory too because the clues indicate very clearly that the Blue are the cursed team. The Greens could not, and should not, win.

It sucks to be a Green Team fan.

4. I'm afraid of what's next.

I'm hoping for two scenarios now that the Greens have been "terminated":

They die and players can do other things until the end of the event. That would be great but unlikely. QSMP is not going to exclude several of its players like that, that would be unfair. There aren't that many of them already.

The Greens are sent elsewhere. That would be giga top. This would promise interesting and different content (and perhaps allow players who want blood to obtain satisfaction) in addition to making the threat of Purgatory credible. The players are inaccessible to others - even considered dead - and must suffer because of some thing that the eye has invented.

See my vision: Cellbit mourning his dead husband, while Roier is having the time of his life in whatever hell the Eye send the Green. That will be so perfect.

But that would require a lot of preparation, while the admins are not even sure that the players will stay or that they will like these new changes.

What I really don't want to happen but is very, very likely:

The Greens are redistributed among the other teams. Lost their new team dynamic, lost everything they had started to create, they now have to adapt to a new group, who were once their enemies and who have at one time or another done a nasty deed to them, and fght their former comrades. They will also have to obey a new leader whom they did not elect. You can think what you want about Etoiles but he was chosen, and him as leader allowed a certain dynamic that would not be possible with other people and another leader. And that would ruin the danger and credibility of Purgatory which threatens people's lives and then leaves them alive and in the company of their friends.

Worse, Etoiles ends up on the Red team. First, I want to see them lose (which should happen anyway since they're not the cursed team), and also because I don't trust the Red fanbase with Etoiles at all. Not even with an anti-atomic suit. There's a reason I hate Bolas, and it's not the cc's fault. (One day we'll have to talk about using a character played by an Algerian to be a literal white man's dog)

[aita-blorbos]

( 🍤 for tracking purposes. And this is a different POV from an earlier situation.)

Am I the jerk for confronting a shopkeeper over his scummy business practices?

Ugh. Can’t believe I’m doing this. But I’m hiding out from some monsters right now, and it’s better than doing nothing.

I (M, idk and idc. Young I guess?) used to be a part of this dumb kids show. I only participated because I was bored. Not because I wanted to teach kids or anything. Teaching lessons is so boring!!! Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. I had to work with my fellow toons and interact with kids and stuff. And I’m sure you can tell how I felt towards them all.

To tell you the truth, I actually liked it when people stopped showing up at our home, cuz’ then I didn’t have to be a part of the show anymore. The only problem was when toons started going crazy for no apparent reason. We called these guys Twisteds (this is relevant later.)

Out of all the toons, the one I probably dislike the most would be D (M, don’t care. 5 or 6?) D runs a supply shop which is all fun and dandy, but I noticed that he rarely had good stuff for sale. Just useless junk food and cheap trinkets.

It didn’t help that he only accepted VHS tapes. Those things are hard to get, man! And his prices were seriously inflated. After the umpteenth time of getting tapes just to find he had nothing good in stock, I knew something had to be done.

So as any rational toon would, I snuck into the back of D’s shop when he went on a scavenging mission. If he thinks he’s gonna get ME to work my butt off just to buy some junk he thought wrong! Anyways, I start ‘borrowing’ his extra tapes (he had boxes and boxes of the things!) when D shows up again.

He starts YELLING at me to drop the tapes, to which I said no. I told him that he was saving all of the good items for himself, and that his prices were unfair. I wish I could have taken a photo of his face!! The smug, proud D pushed off of his high horse. If I didn’t do it, then surely someone else would eventually.

Dangit. Going on a side tangent again. So I was messing with D, and he kept trying to snatch the tape out of my hand.

To further tease him (as “friends” do), I push a shelf, causing a big box to fall over. Surprise surprise, it’s full of tapes. But D stopped going after me at that point. He just. Froze. And kneeled down by the box of spilled tapes. As the others enter the room to see what the heck is going on, I’m briefly considering if what I did was too much.

That consideration was short lived, as D freaking twisted in front of our eyes!! Twisted? Twist-ified? I dunno!! But he turned into a monster, and beat the stuffing outta me!! This one girl and these twins who I tolerate (F, and both M. They’re both like 5) managed to calm D down, before another guy knocked him out. But not before me, and a few others, were seriously injured. Who knew an angry flower could pack such a punch?!

…I didn’t stick around much longer, especially when D started waking up. Everyone was glaring at me and refusing to even come near, so I knew I wasn’t welcome anymore. Fine by me. I never liked them anyways, and it didn’t help that they all took D’s side. I’ve been wandering the lower levels of our home in search of a place to stay, and now you’re all caught up. So am I really the jerk for messing with D in the first place? I still think he could have run his shop better.

Edit: quit asking what floor im on its not like im gonna tell you. Its also gotten hard to type so no nore edits

Edit 2: MY MOUGTH IS GON WHWRE IS MY MOUTH

[assblastergaster]

okay so in my absorbing this episode...i was initially disquieted by the abruptness of it all; i still am. i even decided i need to read the reddit discussions about it (don't ever do this)...but i think ive come to a conclusion that makes holistic sense to me

note: having read Simone's "exit interview" article (adult Lottie's actress)—i understand why some people feel like the adult timeline is sort of a mess that the actors don't really have a full grasp on. i find myself feeling that way too, at times, but also...isn't that the point? we KNOW what happens during the teen timeline by episode 1, so we know there's only so much that can happen. like Mari said, the wilderness is the "other version of reality" where these characters became themselves for the first time; in the beginning of the show, it's presented as if the adult timeline is the "good side" that hides the dark side. slowly, as the girls come into contact with each other, it becomes clear that this dichotomy is false—the wilderness as teenagers and their lives as adults are the same. it's what tai struggles with. it's what nat and travis struggles with. it is most certainly what lottie struggles with. the modern timeline is purposefully (imo) left less linear, less straightforward (which is a lot considering how obfuscated the wilderness timeline is); the survivors interacting with each other after 25 years is essentially the recreation of their time in the woods—they're trying to navigate real life situations in the same way they did back then, the way they survived. they working on the assumption that what they did back then will work now and it won't. it feels bizarre because it IS bizarre, especially to them. the wilderness has rules, but their lives haven't been following them for 2 decades. they're literally flying by the seats of their pants

all this to say: obviously we will get more on lottie's death, but it still somewhat makes sense thematically for right now. i think it very much has to do with the decision she makes at the very end of the trial. Lottie knows coach is innocent and she votes that way for a reason, so why the last second decision just because Shauna threatens her? she isn't afraid of shauna like the others are. this trial cemented that the wilderness essentially chose "wrong" for the antler queen, or perhaps that lottie realized she misinterpreted the wilderness' choice. realizing that shauna is the one who holds power cements that lottie is fully in for the ride—she will do whatever it takes to listen to the wilderness, even if it's not what she agrees with. ultimately, whoever she's apologizing too, and for whatever reason she's in that fuckass basement with ritual candles, i think they're all connected to this coach trial. this is when the wilderness dynamic will go from group of scared teens fighting to survive and going crazy enough to believe some pagan shit to a group of true believers forming a new society

TLDR; lottie choosing the side of the wilderness will have been the reason she's dead, and the adults (thus, seemingly, the plot) are fucking lost without the wilderness to self impose its rules on them.

[crookedfandomquill]

TOTNT 1938 is halfway done (grrr no whyyyyy), and I have many thoughts. I will share some of those thoughts with you this evening:

- I love that this season is so distinct from the first, without totally abandoning its roots; it leans a lot more into the action/comedy, but it’s still got a lot of dark folklore and is very character-centric.

- The intro sequence is amazeballs. It’s like the first season intro and the intro from Bad and Crazy had a beautiful, unhinged baby. I never skip it!

- I love that they got back almost the entire OG cast. I’ve missed them!

- I haven’t seen anyone comment on it so I gaslit myself into thinking I imagined it, but is Yeon’s hair a good bit darker? It’s leaning more auburn than the old bright orange, although it’s more orangey in direct light. I like it, I was just doubting myself.

- Everyone is clearly having so much fun with their roles, and that’s what I look for in performances. LDW especially, but that’s kind of a hallmark of his acting for me.

- It’s hysterical to me that the writers explained the end of season 1 FIRST THING. They were like “okay we gotta fix this immediately so people stick around.” Honestly in the absence of other information I had a different theory for why season 1 ended like it did, but this works too!

- The end of episode 1 was genius. Getting them all together on the train, everyone with different information and agendas… chef’s kiss, no notes.

- I’m glad they’re giving Rang so much to do! He’s getting his romance subplot, he has his bandit gang…

- Ghost!Rang was so fun, and a great opportunity for hijinx. I love that it allowed him to hear what Yeon was really thinking, and the sneezing thing was hilarious.

- One thing I was hoping for from this season was a more in-depth exploration of what it means to be a mountain god, and it looks like we’re getting it! The information we have so far on our three mountain gods casts a really interesting light on the first season and Lee Yeon’s whole character. The fact that they were chosen for the job as children by Taluipa… I’ve gone into that in a separate post.

- Hong Joo is my new problematic fave. I say problematic because the scene where she comes on to Yeon while he’s blind really gave me the ick, but in spite of her inability to take no as an answer she’s a really interesting and fun character. Flawed, strong, hot… just my cup of tea! My love for her feels similar to my love for Taluipa; part of me kind of hates her, but I respect her at the same time.

- I’m still waiting to be compelled by Moo Young, but I’ve never tended to attach strongly to stoic characters (at least until we get a full tragic backstory). I’m excited to see more from him.

- I’m interested to see how the broader plotline plays out, considering we’ve been told that nothing Yeon does in the past will make a difference.

- Will Yeon and Rang’s dad be making an appearance?? I don’t think we’ve been told that he died, and we’ve seen Yeon talking about how abusive he was during his childhood. I’d love to see them tie up that end.

- Everything with Mi Ho was absolute gold (pun intended). Yeon is 100% going to return home and start pestering Ji Ah for a baby.

- Yeon and Shin Joo are really doing the Lord’s work getting Rang’s mermaid romance off the ground. Very accurate portrayal of an older sibling’s reaction to the younger one being in a relationship; I’ve said and done all of those things with my brothers.

- I don’t know what I expected from 1938!Yeon; part of me thought modern!Yeon would transmigrate into his body from the time period, but the alternative is so much better. Coked-up, petty, grief-addled Lee Yeon is a treat to see, and I wonder how he’ll factor into the rest of the story, if he does at all. The fight between the two Lee Yeons was epic and hysterical.

- On the topic of 1938!Yeon: I notice that his hair is in the Goryeo mullet, which I guess just means he hasn’t cut it lately. But also: his black-gray ends are gone. So he’s not cutting his hair… but he’s dyeing his ends! I like to think it’s his sad emo look.

- Yeon choked up so much blood at the beginning of episode 6 that for a second I thought I was watching a Chinese xianxia lol

- I appreciate how Yeon and Shin Ju are both spending significant mental energy pining for their wives. But also: WHEN WILL SHIN JU GET HIS WEDDING RING BACK

I’m sure I’ve forgotten many thoughts. Perhaps I will reblog later with additions.

[lennoxlorian]

WRITING: GETTING THROUGH THE DRAFT

It’s been a couple of years since I’ve done NaNoWriMo and I am looking forward to jumping back into it full force this year. And as I start prepping with outlining, last minute research and setting up a special Scrivener file for the project, I remembered a post I wrote of the things I did that helped me smash NaNoWriMo the second time and wished I’d had these tips the first time around.

I found the post I wrote but over the years, (you can read that here) and since then I’ve gathered more practical tips to getting through NaNoWriMo. Remember, these tips are basically, to push through and get that first draft - which seems like the hardest part. How can you revise and edit something before you have something to even revise and edit, right? So, here are my original tips, plus some extras.

Set up a “Notes” file. This may seem like a weird tip. But I promise that it will be worth it at the end. The “Note” file can be a word document, pen and paper or even a Scrivener type program that has a notes section attached to the file. This will be a place where you will be jotting down every comment, note and idea you have as you write your novel. The purpose is to keep yourself from going back and falling into the downward spiral of self-editing/editing as you go. Because we know that it tends to lead to a novel in a perpetual unfinished state. My suggestion is to divide your notes into “Chapters”, “Parts”, “Page Number-Ranges” - depending on how you’re writing your novel and writing subsequent notes and ideas under that particular one. This helps you to find relevant information during the editing process.

Keep moving forward. No matter what. Don’t worry about the details. Don’t worry about changing something, even if the scene seems really long, dialogue heavy or you are describing the heck out of the setting. Don’t waste time thinking about how to change a small detail. Chances are you will probably not end up using it anyway. Just make a note of it in your “Notes” file and keep pushing forward.

An outline helps - even if you consider yourself a “Pantser”. Not everyone has an outline. For me, I LOVE outlines and mine tend to get crazy detailed. But what I appreciate about having an outline is that it helps me to keep my story in the direction it needs to go. Mind you, even with an outline, sometimes I do get into a flow that deviates from my original outline (It’s the tiny, rebellious pantser inside of me!). And that’s okay! I do suggest, even as a pantser, that you create a simple action breakdown. You want to have a clear idea where your characters are headed. Even a little.

JUST WRITE. Simple as that. Moreover - and this is important - write as if no one will ever read it. Don’t get caught up with how you think your novel should sound or even how you want it to sound. Just write it because it will create a voice of its own. YOUR voice. And that’s pretty freaking awesome. Putting myself into that mindset took away all of the inhibitions and self-doubt that I had and it created much of my best work. So write those cheesy action scenes or embarrassing love scenes. At the very least, it’s good character/plot development, it will get it out of your system and you’ll realize, later, that those scenes weren’t even needed. No harm, no foul.

Over write. Though many of the tips I'm giving can be applied to writing your first draft, this particular one is mainly for NaNoWriMo. As much as we would like to sit in front of our computers everyday or 30 days and just write, the truth is that we have lives and responsibilities that oftentimes takes us away from writing more than we’d wish. Sometimes for a whole day! (Boo!) But life happens. So over write. Write more than your daily word target. Especially, when you have extra time. That way, you won’t get behind and you’ll probably reach your goal sooner than you thought.

Stick with it. If you get #PlotStuck, don’t give up. What helped me, was to write chronologically. Meaning, I forced myself to get through whatever writer’s block I thought I had. Even if it’s introducing a new character, object or location to get the juices flowing, again. Some may say to skip over it and come back to it later but that’s how I got into a habit of not finishing novels. For me, waiting to get over that barrier - whether it was taking a quick break or a walk or reading - got me through several of those hurdles. What I’ve learned is if you’re serious about writing, you have to get through it because writing is not easy and it won’t be the last time you’re Plot Stuck. Trust me.

These are some things that helped me write and finish my first drafts. They may not work for everyone so take what you can and leave what you can’t. These aren’t the only tips I have but just the ones I have at the moment. I’ll be sharing more of those tips when they come to me. Or if you have a different question about my writing or my process or the blog or even my first draft, just ask me!

[bunbunbillion]

not sure if i already did this before here, but consider this a formal introduction to the transfer of my twitter media thread to tumblr. and im starting it with a really special one!!!

Tonight............. i finished Super Lesbian Animal RPG by Bobby Schroeder (@ponett / @slarpg) with my friends. I shared the experience with two who had played the game already, and another who was as blind as me.

i will say without going into at all, but if you are a gay furry (especially trans) and love stuff like sonic, or MLP:FiM, or just gay fantasy in general, go play this game. It's REALLY GOOD! going in blind was a treat. That being said, here's my thots.................. theres a LOT!!!!!

i didn't actually find out about SLARPG until i began reading the sonic archie comics a year or so back. i needed a reading order and by GOD did I find one. not to start this post about slarpg with a ramble about sonic archie, but it was genuinely such a great read, and all the stuff on Thanks, Ken Penders ( @thankskenpenders ), made it all the more enjoyable! that ASIDE it's also how i saw the author of the blog, who i realized i was following already for awhile, was making her own game! and one so shamelessly gay and furry as well! i was INSTANTLY interested...

after the game came out, it took me awhile to get around to it. it wasn't until someone very close to me got really into it that i decided i'd commit the time. it took 20 hours of gay activity, but i started it having silly fun voice acting a bunch of animals with my friends, and ended with tears in my eyes and love in my heart.

the game is written in a way that just gels perfectly with me. everything is both very casual feeling, but also genuine. it's never really ashamed of what it is, and that's all i can ask for from a game with a name like Super Lesbian Animal RPG.

The characters are easily the highlight of the game, never once feeling like simple cutouts or stereotypes. Everyone is just a delight to read. My favorites were easily Melody, Allison, and the man himself Javis. Being a gay ADHD filled bunny with a love for hitting things with sticks and hammers, Allison especially spoke to me.

The world of SLARPG is only seen through a small vertical slice, with the vastness left to your mind, which works very well in its favor. Slowly as you explore the areas your presented, you learn more and more about the world just through your own intuition. Discover the races that live on the planet, where the characters all came from to get here, the power structures put into place, how magic has effected such a modernized world. It makes you want to learn so much more, really. I found myself really interested in the vague lore we get of the supposed Gods that make up the powers of the world, which I hope can be further expanded on one day.

As a Video Game(tm), id say it does exactly what it sets out to do. I'm an RPG Girl, i love Figuring Shit Out in them. I play them headfirst and love to make strategies for silly bosses especially. SLARPG is a RPGM VX Ace game that doesn't exactly do anything CRAZY, as much as it does use its platform incredibly well. It is a SOLID RPG, it sets out to have a concise and simple battle system, with a lot of fun tools to play with. Even if I recognize all the scripts being used, how they get used always felt great. There were very few slipups in the way the game was put together when i played too, which as an RPGM dev, is always impressive to see. I think my only point of contention while playing was the random encounters getting a bit monotonous near the final stretch of the game, and the bosses being a bit too easy for my liking, but otherwise, mwah great rpg!!

one of the BIGGEST highlights, outside of the writing, is the amazing art, and i really mean it!! EVERY character has an amazingly cute character portrait, and every single sprite is so full of life! the backgrounds/tilesets tend to take the cake though, some of the best I've seen in a game like this personally. The dungeons are incredibly visually striking, and every single character design sticks in my head as memorable. MAJOR props to Javis and all his boys too. god bless those freaks.

and finally, i can talk about the writing in specific. it is... special. and i mean that in the best way i can. the story is pretty simple. Melody Amaranth and her girlfriend Allison Goleta join their friends guild to go on adventures, and are granted magic by their mage using a forbidden ritual. From there, hijinks ensue, involving a sociopathic VHS headed cipher-like individual, the worlds most jerkish butch, and a proclaimed Goddess of Magic coming for YOU!!! Despite all that though, the story to me felt focused much more on the relationship between the protagonists. Especially Melody and Allison.

I'm not sure how much I could go into specifics from memory alone, but it is... really good, what they do with the two main girls. Exploring the ways relationships blossom and mend. It's never all drama, nor is it all flowers. It's very real feeling. I connected to it a lot, in ways I never thought I could. Recently, I've been re-exploring my sexuality, what I want in romance, if I can even FEEL romance. This game helped a lot. It helped me be a lot more honest about my feelings, and let myself open up a lot more.

It wasn't just Melody and Allison either, there's multiple other great relationships in the games story. They're ALL adorable, and ALL amazingly written. We see a perfect mix of childhood love, new love, and trained love, each one shown with both strain, and triumph. As a girl who longingly read countless yuri manga and scoured plenty of garbage yuri anime as a kid desperately looking for something I could see myself in... and then this game comes along not only with that amazing representation, but two of the main characters are like VOCALLY transgender!! they don't play around SHTI!! This game is like a cup of cold, refreshing, root beer. god BLESS!!!!!

im about done rambling now though. if you got this far reading and still havent played slarp, WHATRE U WAITING FOR!!! GO KISS SOME GIRLS!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!!!

ADDENDUM: THE MUSIC FUCKS HARD AND CRAZY STYLE I ALMOST FORGOT EVEN AS THE TUNES PLAY IN MY HEAD!! THIS SHIT IS SOME REAL VGM CLASSICS OF ALL TIME

[loveless-scribes]

✨🛒👀🥺🤩🎉🌞🎢

Oh, wow! That's a bunch! Thanks so much for sending the ask, let's dive right in! <3 ✨ Give you and your writing a compliment. Go on now. You know you deserve it. 😉 This is hard, especially right now because I'm really struggling with my writing. My ideas aren't clear and I feel like they don't line up with one another or that the tone shifts abruptly because the way I'm feeling has changed between one writing session and the next. I guess I hope that my writing makes people FEEL things. That's my main goal most of the time. And I think I'm pretty good at surprising people, too. So, to put that in compliment form I think I'm alright at conveying emotions and I have a knack for those plot twists. XD 🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc. I feel like I'm always writing about death even when I'm not planning to, it just kind of works its way back in there. Also, I guess another common theme would be the deep connections that people can form with one another, against all odds, against their better judgement, and sometimes even to their own detriment. I guess that's a hopeful theme in a way, people staying even when you're sure they'll walk away. Also, my protagonist needs to be a little messed up in the head. Anything else is hard and boring to write. I love writing crazy people and then humanizing them to the reader. 👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! Barring AM spoilers, and the Sukuna fic I teased about on my alt, I want to write a short story about a world where voluntary self-elimination is both legal and readily accessible. The idea's been floating around in my head for a while - what that would look like, what the logistics around it would be, how friends and family would react, the inevitable desensitization towards death. I do hope to get that one down sometime soon because I'm really inspired to write it. 🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels? I think I hinted at this already, but I love it when one character is sure the other is going to leave them, but they don't. Not even necessarily in a romantic sense. It could be a friendship, or a parent-child relationship or what have you. Just that feeling of, "I've gone too far, it's over" but it's not, because that person would never leave. Staying by each other's side whether or not they understand the full context. Not even necessarily needing the context to know that they're on your side. I guess that's why it's a recurring theme in LS's relationship.

🤩 Who is your favorite character to write? This used to be an easy "Levi, hands down - all day, every day." But lately, Slayte has become my favorite. Especially with her current struggles in the story, I just have a soft spot for her and the stuff she has to go through, I guess. She's also the character that most meets my "crazy protag" criteria, so there's that. 🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success? When people tell me I made them cry. It sounds mean, but there's no better feeling. That's when my inner critic has no choice but to shut up because OMG THEY SHED REAL TEARS. (I've defo cried, too, while writing AM so no worries.) 🌞 Do you have a preferred time of day to write? When everyone is either asleep or out of the house. Early mornings are the best, but work always gets in the way. I would be better able to answer this question if I wasn't so tired all the time. ^^

🎢 Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride? I think it's the Sukuna darkfic duology on my alt @azureashes. It's just so crazy and out there. Idk if I would consider AM a "wild ride" since it definitely has its wholesome and comforting moments. I actually think hurt/comfort is a huge theme in AM. Maybe we should add it to the tags. Thanks for the ask, Anon! <3

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I don't know what to TW this as, I don't think this is quite financial abuse but there's definite gaslighting mentioned here.

I live at home with my mum, and I'm an only child. She is my carer, as I am disabled, but she is verbally and emotionally abusive at times.

Medical professionals have determined that while one of my conditions may improve (which is not impacting my physical ability), my others will not, and she cannot accept that. She keeps saying if we rebuild my stamina, I could go out and do things every day, and this is not true, and even doing things every other day damages my body after a week.

Now, I do not need supervision all the time, I mostly need her when I leave the house or to cook meals if they need the stove or preparing, so she can go out when she likes - we eat dinner together anyway, with the same food - but I feel like she wants me to get better so she can do trips out and get me to pay for them.

I only say this because if we go out together, she makes me pay for everything, even if she's the one who asked (or begged me to go with her) because suddenly 'she's only there for me' and I must have forgotton that I wanted to go in the first place which is a load of bollocks unless that happens every single time, but it's really bugging me.

I know it seems like quite the accusation, but I'm really tired of it and have no way of truly escaping without becoming completely housebound and limited to unhealthy meals. My only hope is if I find a partner willing to give up their independent life, but it can be hard to do that when you have a parent hovering over your shoulder when not in the house. I got close once but he was abusive in all the ways, worse than her, but she has the same behaviours so that worries me, too.

(also she literally said recently that even if I got better enough that she could get a job and stop being my carer, she'd prefer to keep that quiet so she doesn't have to work as she feels done with that)

I don't really know what this is, I think I'm asking for reassurance that I'm not going crazy and that her behaviour is odd at least - I understand that to her, a full life is out and about every single day, but even if that was my ideal life, it's not healthy for me and there is nothing stopping her from doing those things without me, other than my money. And given I pay for 75% of the bills/shopping/rent, even for things that are not in my name, plus my own bills, she can afford to go out and spend a bit of money on these things (she spent £100 on a bird feeder last week then whined that she was skint and needed money from me, so maybe she just needs to prioritise, but still, not really the point).

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Please know that you're not going crazy and your concerns are valid.

While it sounds like your mom may be coming from a place of optimism by suggesting that your stamina could be improved, it's important for her to understand that it doesn't really work like that and she needs to digest the fact that your disability does have its limits, especially considering the damage it can potentially do to your body to ignore that.

It doesn't sound fair that she makes you pay for everything. It's understandable to be exhausted by this. Considering the circumstances it should really be her paying for these things, especially because they seem to largely be her ideas. Worst comes to worst perhaps splitting a bill (evenly, might I add), but you shouldn't be covering expenses every single time, that's simply unbalanced and exploitative.

Please let us know if there's anything we can to do help you in this situation. It doesn't sit right with me the idea that you're just stuck in this position and I wish there was something I could do.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[maryelizagreg]

Black and white

Wednesday Adam’s almost

They’re creepy and they’re spooky, I love the Osbourne’s,

Ozzy and the family, and stinky London subway

Bitter cold and it’s setting in

I can’t stop wanting to wear black lately

I need to bundle up in a huge burrito heated blanket inside a sauna

It’s so cold and I can’t tolerate it being Floridian

I need fire and underknit long layers

Layers upon layers

Like a Marie Antoinette dress and corsets bodice

And a fuzzy coat 🧥

I’m so cold

I want to be a ballet teacher

It’s always warm in the studio

Winter is a great time to stay in and cozy up

With candles

And play music or, listen to records,

Study, make pies and treats

Winter mood, doo doo doo doo doo

Christmas songs, and frank sinatra,

And decorate with lights,

Do your nails… and singing bowls and yoga

I had the chance to work at a detox facility in fort myers, I got the job but my parents would let me go. I tried to apply at new places here , but i didnt get a call back.

Social work is a hard field to work in… especially at in patient detoxes where many aren’t there on their own volition.

I’m thinking about visiting the temple of the universe.

I don’t know I just have an interest in it all

Homeopathic medicine

I met this guy starting a rehab

The plans fell through

I’m …. So lucky to be a part of it all

The… design community, the event industry, the people surrounding it as well

The people make the place truly

I… was lucky to go to Flagler,

Now I’m considering completing school at LMU

For the music major

Though we have full sail right here

And great program at ucf, the dean of the school of music may remember training me as a kid

I miss dance too, yoga, eh, I loved to dance, growing up. Ballet. Now I get to pass this on you know to the younger generations

Teaching about dance and music, the arts.

And Patrick, my king, he is a star- who will outshine anyone I’ve known. He doesn’t know it how special he is. But he is, a wonderful talent, that I think… the whole world would fall in love with. Just for who he is, so true.

My friends and family are amazing, I feel so lucky so blessed

Thanks giving in two weeks and

I don’t know I’m … I will sing them a song…

To help them know, how grateful I am

A personal show just for them

We’ve had a few

Home shows, it’s, very intimate to play for my family, like this….

I sing for my family friends as well…

I sang in Mexico,

I sang for my friends, I sang to them because I love them

I sing to my ex even,

I sing for everyone, all the time,

I sing in the bars, and the halfway decent performance makes its way around online, and shards to my grandparents and ,

I catch the eye of, people id normally never get the chance to meet, we connect, so quickly, thanks to the music breaking all the ice

It’s a wonderful tool and gift granted to those coping with insufferable diagnoses

It’s about more than just money it’s a home and a safe place for me to be

I never want to leave because I never felt so safe before

And… that safety and connection is so… wonderful

I’m blown away by every local trumpet player…

And the performances at Austin’s.., were just so perfect and real

In the blues an jazz stages I want to bring life to the room and soothe the soul

But it’s important to understand, it’s, also a party , a performance, it’s a wonderful celebration of human happiness, release your sorrow, forget about the nonsense and cutting loose to this crazy tunes

Having the time of your life. Fun, beautiful fun

There’s a couple other places I’m considering going for music that aren’t necessarily universities, idk what to call them. They’re not artist communes. But they have programs for musicians who just want some time studying it

[ear-worthy]

Songs My Ex Ruined Podcast: Our Memories Defined By Music

When someone says, "let's start a music podcast," that path can take multiple forks in the road. You can end up with a music podcast that's like a thousand others, only you think because you and your high school friend are on it, it's special. Or, your music podcast can be so arcane that only fans of 80s Hairband Grunge, quai-blue grass, jazz fusion, bubble gum rock will listen. 

Then you have bright, lively, clever, and outspoken music journalists who devise the most devious and awesomely ear worthy music podcast developed since Song Exploder. 

Here's the premise of the Songs My Ex Ruined podcast. It's a podcast about songs people can never listen to again because their terrible exes destroyed them forever. Now, that's inspired because of the anatomy of music, and how we consume it.

Consider that we may see a movie a few times (Star Wars, Harry Potter) and read an excellent book several times. But songs we can listen to thousands of times. Over and over and over. We ascribe songs to specific events in our lives. People remember the song playing when they kissed their first romantic partner, or when a boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them. Songs can enrage us, engage us, make us feel sorry for ourselves, or just force our bodies to move on a dance floor as if we're out of control.

So that's the emotional F5 tornado that Songs My Ex Ruined taps into every episode.

The podcast, which began in November 2022, just celebrated its 50th episode last week with guest Allison Wolfe, founding member of Bratmobile, a punk rock band from the 90s and early aughts.

What's so good about this podcast? Besides the premise. First, it's the co-hosts.

Courtney E. Smith is the editor of Eater Dallas. She's a journalist of 20 years who was born and raised in Texas, with bylines in Pitchfork, Wired, Esquire, Yahoo!, Salon, Refinery29, and more.

Melissa Locker is a writer (Time Magazine among others, for nine years), editor and producer. She is the co-founder of Nevermind Media, which produces this podcast. The podcast network specializes in music podcasts, and is an all women team.

Locker and Smith are experienced music journalists with an impressive depth of knowledge on artists, songs, trends, and reactions. The co-hosts work well together on the show like peanut butter and jelly, each complementing the other. They're funny, and they're perceptive. In the first episode with Avery Trufelman (great first guest, by the way) Trufelman explains a song by the group Grizzly Bear called "Yet Again" and relates the tempo and crescendo to an orgasm. 

The co-hosts point out that orgasm can be a wildly different experience for people based on a lot of factors. The co-hosts then describe one possible orgasm as "quietly beautiful, like an Edith Wharton novel." That's awesome. I believe even Ms. Wharton would laugh if she were alive today.

The November 8, 2023, episode with T.J. Alexander about her excursion into goth culture in college allows listeners to understand more about indoctrination into college life, especially for those from rural areas. She had started dating an older guy who was into goth music and who loved the band Type O Negative, especially the song "Love You to Death." Alexander explains how she outgrew her first boyfriend on campus and his ridiculous claims about the 1922 film Nosterfu and a Type O Negative album he claimed could be played perfectly in sync with the movie. Spoiler alert: He was full of shit.

In case you're wondering, it's not only women on the podcast as guests. On the December 7, 2023, episode with podcaster Ronald Young, Jr., he discusses his relationship with a younger woman who was crazy for rapper Lil' Wayne and would rap his lyrics incessantly everywhere. Other notable guests include musicians Marnie Stern, K. Flay, Sadie Dupuis, and Abigail Barlow; comedians Kyle Gordon, Ivy Le, and Gianmarco Soresi; authors Lane Moore, Nabil Ayers, and TJ Alexander; and podcaster Jane Marie. The show is using the occasion of its 50th episode to launch a newsletter and Patreon, where listeners can vie for a shot to tell their own stories about songs that were ruined for them. 

That's the beauty of this podcast. It's like renewable energy. You've never in danger of not having enough material. Everybody has a story to tell linking music to a breakup. Remember the 1981 single from The Greg Kihn Band, The Breakup Song, where Kihn celebrates the quality of breakup songs in rock's earlier times, as the narrator laments both his recent breakup and the fact that they don't write good breakup songs anymore Songs My Ex Ruined scores a big recommendation from me. First, it's terrific for music fans who get a listen to a wide variety of musical genres and artists, from Spice Girls to Justin Bieber, Modest Mouse to Magnapop. 

Second, the music is the launch point for deeper discussions of relationships -- sustaining them, ending them, and reinvigorating them.

Third, the co-hosts are a delight to listen to and are adept interviewers, handling episode guests with skill, sensitivity, humor, and curiosity.

Finally, the concept sparks our memories from months, years, or decades ago and how we felt at one point in our lives -- sad, disenchanted, confused, heartbroken, or relieved.