#what does yoga do to your body and brain

[magpiepills]

Plow

Rating: EXPLICIT 18+ MDNI

Pairing: Joel Miller x f reader

Word count: 900ish

Summary: Joel’s neighbor does yoga and he has a new appreciation of the practice.

Warnings: SMUT, voyeurism, pervert Joel, creep Joel, male masturbation, PIV, fingering, spit as lube, reader is able to do yoga and wears activity appropriate clothing.

A word from the author: come get your creepy Joel jerk off fic!

Read Part 2 Here

Read Part 3 Here

He stopped in his tracks the first time he noticed that the little window at the landing on his staircase looked right over your privacy fence and into your backyard. He might or have noticed at all if you hadn’t been outside, splayed over your purple yoga mat, twisted into a pretzel with your legs wide open and your tits threatening to spill out of that little stretchy top you wore.

He looked around, sure that someone saw him, knew what he was seeing, heard his brain telling him to look away and saw him watching anyway.

Joel was a practical man. He was honest and good and upright. He took pride in it.

That didn’t stop his hand from sliding over his jeans to palm his rapidly hardening cock. Didn’t stop him from zeroing in on the way the snug fabric highlighted the point of your nipples, or oh god how it molded to the cleft of your cunt.

He tore his hungry gaze away long enough to flick off the lights, hoping to watch just a little more in secret before he swore to himself that he would do the right thing and go downstairs and put you out of his mind.

It was only seconds before he was back in place at the window, ducking to the side to stay out of sight should you look up. In that time you’d switched positions. He watched as you slowly stretched your legs and spine, lifting your pert ass into the air.

Joel’s heart raced. He let himself believe that you were offering yourself to him. He imagined tearing open the fabric of those fucking pants and finding your bare pussy underneath, he let his mind paint a picture of your slick and swollen lips, your tight little asshole, all on display just for him, ready for him to devour or destroy.

He unbuttoned his jeans, belt buckle clacking against the floor as they fell around his ankles. He left his boxers on and told himself it was ok, that looking was free, that he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

He was hard as a rock.

He watched as you moved through your poses, breath hitched as he daydreamed of fucking you in each one.

You were so limber, bending like a willow switch, your movements so smooth and deliberate. He was transfixed by the graceful motion of your body and soon his boxers joined his jeans on the floor. His hand moved slowly against his length. His palm contoured to the underside of his cock and slid down to cup his balls before going back up to roll over the thick, weeping head.

Joel wondered how else you might stretch.

Did you ever touch yourself? Did you slip your fingers inside? How many? How many of his could you take in that little hole? Would you be loud? Scream his name? He would start with one, if he ever got the chance. He would feel how wet you got and he would spread your wetness over your clit again and again, dipping back for more of your dripping arousal, getting you close to coming then adding a second to make you moan and clench.

His fist moved faster around his cock, he spat into his hand to aid the glide, but he didn’t dare look down to watch, didn’t risk missing a moment of you. You were a goddamn minx.

He would add a third finger, he decided. He would wait until your first orgasm washed away, leaving you limp and pliant on your little mat. You’d think he was finished with you, but he would just dive back in, licking and sucking at your pussy, mixing his saliva with your wet release, and sucking your clit between his lips, feeling it throb as he tongued it, making your back arch off the mat when he split you with three thick, rough fingers.

Joel was close. Too close. He didn’t want to come yet.

He squeezed the base of his cock and took a few deep breaths. He looked at your pretty face, you looked dewy and serene, practically glowing. He imagined your pretty face covered in his cum.

You seemed to be winding down, stretching your body out, arms over your head, tits lifted and begging for his hands and his mouth.

Joel pumped his turgid member, closing in on his orgasm as you laid on your back, arms over your head, legs spread wide and bent at the knee, opening up your hips just for him, he was sure. Every deep breath you took lifted your chest and dropped your knees a little further.

How easy it would be to fold you in half and fill you up with his aching cock. He could pull that little top down, lick those little nipples you were hiding, use your top as a handle to fuck you hard and deep, hammering into you.

Joel’s vision tunneled, the house, the fence, the grass and sky all fell away until it was just you, mere yards away, practicing your yoga in the privacy and seclusion of your yard, while Joel splattered his tshirt and spilled cum down his thick knuckles to the image of you in his mind, stuffed full of cock, rubbing your little clit furiously with your manicured fingers, wedding ring shining in the sunlight as he squeezed your tits and filled you to the brim.

None the wiser to what had just transpired on the other side of the fence, you checked your watch, sipped from your water bottle, rolled up your mat and went back inside. Joel was left alone with his stains and his shame and checked his own watch, making a

Mental note so he could be waiting at the same time tomorrow, tissues and lotion handy.

[prettieinpink]

ESTABLISHING YOUR ROUTINE

A routine is essential for us to become the best versions of ourselves, but for us to fully commit to a routine, it has to be aligned with our needs and values.

hehe trying out a different aesthetic 😚😚

FIGURE OUT WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE DAILY. This isn’t what your to-do list currently looks like, but rather how you want your to-list to look like. If you can’t think of anything right now, carry a small notebook or open your notes app during the day to take notes of anything you may want to add to your routine.

BREAK THOSE TASKS INTO SMALLER ONES. This helps us to see more clearly in our routine and helps to make our tasks or goals easier to achieve. E.g. Avoid saying ‘study time’ but say flashcards and re-reading notes.

SET GOALS. This can be daily, weekly, monthly and so on. Just have those little habits in your routines that help you advance to reach your goals. This also helps with our motivation throughout the day.

STRUCTURE YOUR DAY EFFICENTLY. If you have a day where there are no urgent or important tasks to be done, use it to take notes on how you feel throughout. Document the times when you feel the most productive, energised, social and tired. Using this information, divide your tasks into the times that suit each other.

ALLOW FOR FREE TIME BLOCKS IN YOUR DAY. One, for just allowing some time for your brain and body to just chill. Two, just so if anything comes up, you have a free window of time to do it.

TEST YOUR ROUTINE AND MAKE ADJUSTMENTS. Throughout the day, ask yourself; ‘how does my routine make me feel?’ and ‘What tasks do I dread, and what do I look the most forward to?’ If need to be, make any changes.

BE CONSISTENT. This is the only way for a routine to be solid in your life, to do them at the same time every day. This tip sounds mundane, but you can always change it up a little. E.g. Listen to different podcasts or audiobooks every time you go out for your walks.

PREPARE FOR YOUR ROUTINE. Allow your environment to encourage anything you want to add to your routine, for example, if you want to do yoga in the morning, leave your yoga mat in front of your bed where you can see it.

INCLUDE BREAKS, FOOD AND EXERCISE. Resting, eating well and moderate exercise help us to be more productive in the day, and to complete our tasks to higher standards.

KEEP TRACK OF YOUR PROGRESS. See which habits you’re more inclined to do, and which ones you usually avoid. Sometimes, some habits just aren’t meant for us, and that’s okay.

FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR NOT COMMITTING. It’s okay, you’re going to have days when your routine is the least ideal. Don’t beat yourself up for it, instead try to at least accomplish one task that’s a part of your routine.

MAKE IT ENJOYABLE. Your routine isn’t something to punish you, but rather something that helps you to keep an orderly life. It should be something that you’re at least willing to do.

Some ways to make it fun: Listen to music while you do tasks, romanticise your routine as much as possible, include rewards for anything productive and try to involve your loved ones.

[badkitty3000]

Physical Fitness

Five has been distant lately, but you discover all he needs is a good workout to get his mind back on you again

Words: 2800

Warnings: Smut, Daddy kink, masturbation

☂️Requests open!☂️

Link to my Number Five Fanfiction Master List

Five doesn’t always give you his utmost attention when he gets home. Some days he’s bursting through the door, pissed off about one thing or another, already in mid-sentence while he rants about the lack of brain cells in whoever was annoying him that day. So, you listen quietly, with an amused expression that you try and hide from him until he calms down enough for you to speak. Usually, all it takes is a soft kiss, a scratch down his back with your nails, and maybe even a stiff drink and he’s back to being putty in your hands.

You don’t care if he stomps around the kitchen, slamming cupboard doors and rattling the glasses inside. Or if he’s so worked up, he can’t sit still and he paces back and forth in the living room while muttering various curse words under his breath. You don’t mind because his anger is never aimed at you, and you are also the only one who can dare to try and calm him down without fear of bodily harm.

No, those things don’t bother you. What does bother you is when he outright ignores you. Those times when he hurries through the door, waves a hasty hello without even glancing up, and shuts himself away in his office. When you try and go to him, knocking hesitantly on the door and cracking it open, he’ll look up momentarily from whatever he’s doing, give you a brief smile, and he’s back at it again. On those days, you’ve learned to just let him be. But it still doesn’t make you any less irritated.

He knows it pisses you off. So, later, when you’ve gone to bed before him and you’re feigning sleep, he’ll slip in behind you and pull you close. He’ll whisper how much he loves you and place kisses along your shoulder and neck until you can’t take it anymore and you’re pushing back against him, having forgotten what you were mad about in the first place.

Those days used to be few and far between, but lately, it’s become a habit. Every day these past two weeks, it’s been one quick peck on the cheek or brief hug, before he’s back at his “research” and ignoring you behind closed doors. You’ve tried talking to him, and he says he’ll make an effort but so far you haven’t seen anything change. You know you have a solid relationship and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, but you’re not sure why he’s acting like this. Probably just because he’s an oblivious man wrapped up in his own world, but still, it’s making you worry.

When you are stressed, you usually throw yourself into some kind of physical activity. For a while it was kickboxing, and then it was tennis. Lately, it’s been yoga. It seems to work well for relaxing your mind while also getting a bit of a workout. Tonight you think about going to the studio that you usually frequent, but decide you’re too lazy and you’ll just do your own routine at home.

Five is still not home, but you aren’t going to wait for him. Not like it would matter anyway. You change into your sports bra and black leggings, pull your hair back in a ponytail, and fill up your water bottle. Once you are set up in the living room, with the lights dimmed and relaxing music playing, you begin with a few stretches and then move into some more advanced poses.

Your workout is an hour long and about 30 minutes in you have a nice sheen of sweat covering your body and you’re feeling good. The next half is more about cooling down and resetting your mind. As you are getting into position for the next pose, you hear Five open and close the door to the house, and his footsteps walking towards the room you’re in. You don’t stop what you’re doing. Your time is valuable too, and if he can’t be bothered to stop what he’s doing lately, then why should you?

You sense Five walk into the room just as you are bending over in downward facing dog, your hands on the floor in front of you and your ass in the air. You can’t see his face, but when you look through your legs, you can see that he has stopped in the doorway. Then you watch as his polished black dress shoes cross over one another and he leans into the door frame. When you stand up and look over your shoulder you see him casually watching you with a wolfish grin.

“Please, don’t let me stop you,” he says, gesturing with his hand for you to continue. His shirt sleeves are uncuffed and rolled up his forearms as he crosses his arms over his chest in an air of superiority.

You roll your eyes, but you’re smiling. “Is this what I have to do to get your attention these days? Bend over in tight pants?”

“It doesn’t hurt.”

You huff, turning away from him. “Well, I’m going to finish my workout, so either sit there quietly or go back to your office.”

“Alright, I will,” you hear him say as you get back to your routine.

Assuming he was talking about the latter of your two suggestions, you’re caught off guard when you see him cross over and sit down in one of the armchairs facing you.

“What are you doing?”

He shrugs with a smirk. “Sitting here quietly.”

Not really wanting to indulge him in whatever he’s up to, you turn away again with a loud sigh and move into another pose. There’s a few more minutes of balancing with your butt on display in Five’s direction, but he doesn’t say anything. Then you move onto the ground on your stomach, pushing the top half of your body up with your arms and looking towards the ceiling.

“So, what’s that one called?”

You sigh again. “Cobra. I thought you were supposed to be quiet.”

When you turn around again, your mouth opens in a partial gape as you watch Five in his chair. He is sitting with his legs splayed and his hand on the very prominent bulge in his crotch, eyeing you up like a hungry predator.

“I got your cobra right here, honey,” he says with a smile, and you can see he’s trying not to laugh at his stupid innuendo.

You try to hold in your own giggle but you can’t and you shake your head. “You’re disgusting.”

With another smart-ass grin, he pulls his tie off, discarding it on the floor. “No. Whipping out my dick and jerking off while watching you would be disgusting.”

Before you can make a comment, he starts doing exactly that; unbuckling his belt and unzipping the fly to his pants. He pushes them down far enough to expose his fully hard cock and he gives it a long stroke with his hand, all while keeping his eyes on you.

You should be disgusted. Or annoyed, at the very least. But, fuck, he looks hot sitting there with his sleeves rolled up and his hair flopping onto his forehead; thick cock in his hand. Your breath speeds up just a little and you swallow the pool of saliva that has collected in your mouth.

You clear your throat and flip your ponytail over your shoulder with a sly grin. “Well…you do what you want, I guess. I’m going to finish this workout.”

As you turn away, you decide you’re going to give him as good of a show as you can come up with. You get down on the ground in child’s pose, making sure to spread your knees out wide and push your ass back towards your heels while you splay your arms out in front of you in supplication. You can’t see him, but the thought of what he is doing while watching you is getting you wet and creating a damp spot in the crotch of your pants.

You are slow and deliberate with your movements, and you are back on your hands and knees, only this time you turn to face him. His breathing is louder as he shamelessly works his fist over his cock, running his thumb over the head and jerking his hips up. You can hear the wet slapping noises as his fingers spread the continuous flow of pre-cum over his shaft and he picks up the pace. One side of his mouth turns up as you look at him but he doesn’t slow his movements.

“Fuck, baby, keep going,” he breathes out.

With a breathy laugh you get back to it, pushing your ass up and arching your neck back in a cow pose. It gives him a nice view of your tits in your skimpy sports bra and you hear him let out a quiet grunt while he vigorously pleasures himself. When you flip around and push your hips towards the sky, legs spread wide in a bridge pose, you hear him moan softly.

Turning back over and staying on your hands and knees, you look up at him with wide, pleading eyes and start to crawl slowly towards him. His breath hitches in his throat when you stop between his legs, wetting your plump pink lips with your tongue and gazing up through a fan of dark lashes. Five lets out a long groan when you reach up and place your hand around his, guiding him as he slowly pumps his cock up and down.

“Do you want to fuck me, Daddy?” you ask as sweetly and innocently as possible.

Five lets out a growl through gritted teeth as he thrusts his hips up into the tight fist around his dick.

“Yes. Fuck, yes, I want to fuck you.”

You lean forward and run the flat of your tongue up the underside of his shaft, from base to tip, keeping your eyes on him until he closes his and leans his head back with a whine.

When you pull back, taking your hand with you, he looks back down at you with a deep crease between his dark brows as you start tracing one finger over the top of his thigh and sticking out your bottom lip.

“Five, I want nothing more than to feel your big, thick cock inside of me right now, but here’s the thing. Unless you get that gorgeous, brilliant head out of your ass and start making an effort to acknowledge me around here, I’m afraid that cobra of yours is going to get mighty lonely. Understand?”

Five lets out a disbelieving laugh. “You can’t be serious.”

You pout some more and then back away, shaking your head. “Sorry, baby. I’m very serious.”

Before you let him respond, your back is turned to him again and you’re bending over in an upside-down V shape while running a hand slowly over one ass cheek and down the back of your thigh.

“Fuck…” you hear him moan under his breath and you know you’ve got him. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice sounding just a tad on the pitiful side. “I will make an effort to pay attention to you more.”

You look at him through your legs again, watching him pout with his dick in his hand, and you smile. “No more slinking into your office the minute you get home and ignoring me?”

“No, I promise. No more.”

You love that he’s practically begging you now, desperate and panting as you tease him with your tight, round ass in front of his face. You press back a little more to accentuate it.

“Alright then, as long as you promise. Now, what was it that you wanted to do to me?”

In a literal flash, Five is behind you, pants falling to the ground and his hands on your hips, tugging you backward. You shriek as he slams his pelvis into your backside, his solid cock pushing between your clothed legs. He yanks you back up to standing with a hand wrapped around your ponytail, his breath hot on your neck as his low and deadly voice buzzes over your skin.

“On your hands and knees. Daddy’s going to fuck you now.”

With a pathetic moan that is partly due to the fact that you can’t help yourself when it comes to his demands, you drop to the floor on your hands and knees. He’s behind you again, tugging at the waistband of your pants and pulling them down your thighs. When you feel his fingers slip in between your legs, your body instinctively reacts by pressing backward onto his hand.

“Five…” you whine, your head hanging down as he pushes his fingers inside you. “Please…”

“What’s wrong sweetheart? I thought you wanted more attention from me.”

You thrust your hips back and forth, fucking his fingers while you moan and gasp like some kind of feral creature. When he pulls his hand away, you feel his wet fingers on your back as he pushes your torso towards the ground. He’s teasing you with his cock, rubbing his leaking head against your clit and through your folds until you can’t stand it anymore.

“Five!” you cry, your face pushed against the floor.

“Let me hear you, darling. Tell me what you want.”

“Fuck me! Please!”

Five doesn’t hesitate for a second, slipping inside of you, pushing all of the way in until his hips are flush with your ass. He grips your waist tightly, holding you there while you squirm against him.

“Fuuuck…” he groans. “You know exactly how Daddy likes it.”

After a strong slap to your ass, Five starts fucking you hard and deep, driving into you with enough force that your body is propelled forward and you know you’re going to have rug burn on your arms and knees. But it doesn’t matter, because everything he is doing is exactly right. Each time he pounds into you, and you feel his thick cock filling you up, you cry out from how good it feels. Your pussy is soaking wet and throbbing with each thrust and you’re not sure how much more you can take.

He's breathing loud and hard behind you, a loud grunt accompanying each snap of his hips, hands firmly clutching your body; holding you steady while he pumps inside of you.

“Oh shit, you’re such a good girl for me, sweetheart. I want to feel you come on my cock,” he rasps.

With one expert move of his hand around the front of you, his fingers finding your clit and pressing into it hard, you yell out.

“Oh, god, Five! Yesss….oh fffuckk…I…I…oh shh…”

Your orgasm hits you hard and your fingers claw into the carpet beneath you, your knuckles white, and your body spasming uncontrollably against his. You continue moaning his name while he pounds into you a few more times before swearing loudly and exploding inside of you. You both stay like that, the muscles in your bodies tight and locked into position as your cries and whines soften and then subside. Soon, there is nothing but the ragged sound of your heavy breathing, and you feel him start to soften and pull out.

You both collapse onto the floor on your backs, chests heaving and shiny with sweat. When you look over at Five, you smile and then start laughing breathily.

“What’s so funny?” he smirks, turning his head to the side to look at you while he reaches down to pull up his pants.

You begin to pull up your own as you grin back at him. “You. If I had known all I needed to do to get your attention was stick my ass in your face, I would have done that weeks ago.”

Five chuckles and moves over next to you, propping his head up with one hand. He pushes a damp piece of hair off your face. “It definitely doesn’t hurt for you to do that, and I will always pay attention when that luscious ass is in my face. But I should have listened to you before. I’m sorry if you’ve felt ignored.”

“I just like spending time with you. I don’t mind you going off and doing whatever it is you do in there, but maybe sometimes include me too? You don’t have to shut me out of everything.”

He nods. “You’re right. And like I said, I promise I will stop from here on out.”

He leans down and kisses you while you run a hand through his soft hair. “I’m not sure why or how I love you as much as I do,” you sigh.

“Me either. But, god, am I glad you do.”

[amphitriteswife]

📝✂️Ror/ Snv characters as Students📝✂️

Qin shin huang:

🪭 never listens to the teacher. Like ever. He just does a lot of shit and the teacher is fed up with him so they let it slide

🪭 He’s the type of student to never study or show up and still pass with ease. No one knows how, not even the teachers.

🪭’ Qin you have had like 43 periods of missed lesson and it’s not even the second semester. How the hell did u even pass my test’ ‘Sir, i am literally God’s chosen emperor’

🪭 If you’re partnered up with him, prepare to take the lead cause bro either doesn’t know shit or he aint even present to begin with

🪭Even though he doesn’t do much for projects, he still buts whatever you need for it as a way to repay you. Including if he gets food or drinks, he’s paying for them too.

🪭Has very random subjects. Mainly cause they have China in them, including Chinese.

🪭 ‘Alright, what subjects do you wish to choose to take exams from?’ ‘China’

🪭 Violates dress codes. You need to dress in uniform? He’ll wear the most lavish suit you have ever laid your eyes upon. The school has a gala and you need to dress fancy? He’ll pull up w the most casual and basic outfit ever.

🪭 If he’s actually present, which is a rare sight, he’s usually loud. Mainly cause he has lots of friends and basically knows everyone since you can get along with him greatly.

🪭 complains about a lot of subjects. Math? He hates it. Biology? It gives him big brain moment and he doesn’t get it. Literature? Not Chinese? He don’t want anything to do with it.

🪭 ‘Ma’am i’m innocent, why does thou must bestows such suffering upon me?’ ‘Qin i just asked you if you could read page 34 out loud’

🪭 popular with girls. U know how bro rizzed up Alvitr? Yeah he does that with other girls too. He’s one of the popular dudes so it’s not like it’s hard either💀

🪭He’s a kpop stan. You can’t prove me otherwise. He listens to BTS, Straykidz, Ateez, KAI, EXO, Tri.be, Itzy and a lot more.

🪭 has lots of friends to the point he almost knows the whole school. Even the new comers.

🪭He a player actually. You know how bro had like idk 39291819101 concubines? Yeah that doesn’t change here either. ‘Hannah? She was In February. Mao mao? She’s so last week’

🪭Throws house parties. The extravagant ones too. Big house, a pool, big garden, many floors. You name it. Funny thing is: it aint even the main house.

🪭won the vote for: ‘Who will most likely become a stripper at the end of the school year?’ In the year books. Most think it’s not even cause he needs money but because he’ll do it for fun

🪭 passed out during the School Gala cause he heard someone say that Sushi is Japanese.

🪭doesn’t eat cafeterias food. ‘I, Qin Shi Huang, refuse to eat this….stuff…I have my own glorious food. You’ll never catch him eat anything that isn’t Asian food.

🪭Bothers ppl during lectures. As in he turns and just stares. He’ll either smile or just keep staring to annoy you.

🪭 always goes to school functions, yet ends up being the one yall wait for to go back. He just disappears when yall arrive and spawns back 34 min late.

🪭Has started a campaign for trips to China

🪭 Had a lot of baby momma’s. He a cool dad and rich enough for it. Lowkey knows how to be a dad too

Poseidon:

🔱 he’s in the school’s swimming team and even won awards for it.

🔱 straight A+ student. He a boring one okay. He dont party, doesn’t even hang out after school. Straight home and learning.

🔱 You’ll only catch him drinking water during breaks and eating nutritious. He actually enjoys salad’s. Especially when it’s middle eastern ones. Does he know what’s in it? He thinks. But he dont care. If it healthy and it bussing it works for him.

🔱 ‘My body is a temple’ ahh student. It wouldn’t be surprising if his ass did Yoga or some meditation.

🔱 only goes to school trips if it’s on the beach or it’s for a grade. He the type of person that actually does the assignment instead of having fun.

🔱 he doesn’t have many friends and usually sticks to his brothers or has his earphones in. He’s the one that’s usually silent during that time too

🔱 He’s the honor graduate. Didn’t give a speech tho. He just grabbed the diploma and dipped. He did grab some food that was prepared

🔱 actually has a gf??🤨 like legit, and she’s the captain of the swimming team. He lowkey simps but he’s Poseidon so you probably will never notice.

🔱 was at a house party once. ONCE. Bro got wasted. He didn’t know punch contained alcohol, bro thought it was lemonade. Ate too much with alcohol in his system. I think yall can guess that it didn’t end well for em😭

🔱 He wears casual clothes, sometimes blazers. He doesn’t like yoga pants cause they look ‘lanky’ not even during Yoga

🔱 He takes notes during classes. Like every class. Every moment. He either writes them or types it on his laptop. Only shared with ppl likes. It’s always organized too.

🔱 if you’re partnered up with him, it can go two ways. He’s either doing only his part and leaves you to fend for yourself. Or he helps (rare sight) with the difficult parts.

🔱 he prefers communicating in the chat document. That way he can be home and still communicate if he needs to, he doesn’t like calling cause his brothers are loud asf, and he wouldn’t talk until necessary.

🔱 supports the school library. Mostly because it’s quiet and he likes quiet, but also because he wants to read a lot and it’s an excuse to not go home. He usually studies there too.

🔱 goes to waterparks during school breaks and posts pics on insta. Insta only too. No snap, no facebook, no bereal, no nothing. Even if he does have it, he doesn’t want others to know.

🔱 surprisingly has discord. But it’s only to play games. He curses ppl out in voice chat.

🔱 would either never have kids or ends up being a teenage dad. Dw tho, his gf can support him if he ends up being a stay at home husband.

🔱 models for extra money. Mostly tight clothes cause they gotta use that body for good advertisement.

🔱 he also hits the gym regularly, so he posts pics about him at the gym too.

🔱 has an onlyfans?????

Loki:

🎭 probably sees the school therapist. Every month too. They give him candy.

🎭 Actually likes literature, art, music and surprisingly p.e🤨 he likes p.e cause he can get his mind off things and look good

🎭 probably has or is in an emo phase. He has his ear pierced and wears black cargo pants. Might even have some tattoo’s.

🎭 He either annoys ppl or is very quiet. Although ppl are mostly scared when he’s quiet cause he unpredictable.

🎭 He probably goes out for walks with his earphones in after school. Like y’know when it’s raining a lil and you can smell the grass n all while you listen to music? Yeah that’s his nostalgic experience.

🎭 He writes poems in his free times or spents a lot of time in the atelier.

🎭 Had a very messy break up with sigyn and it was the hot topic in the school. It was in the school’s newspaper and everything. Even the teachers knew

🎭 he listens to a lot of music. Mostly during making art or writing. He mostly listens to: Mitsuki, Chase Atlantic, Beach Weather, The Weekend, Tylor the Creator and The Neighborhood.

🎭He either hates or loves school trips. Even if he hates the school trip he still goes, mainly because Sigyn goes. But he won’t talk to her though. Cause he too scared.

🎭 He takes aesthetically pleasing pictures of different things. He has a nature page, a dark royal one and a school one. All of em are on insta though.

🎭 he does sometimes go to parties, but he either spends a lot of time with his friends and gets wasted or goes home early.

🎭He’s friends with Hercules and Ares. Who are mostly concerned for his well being.

🎭 he also might have gotten into heavy metal and vkei. His ass might may have since it cause Sigyn likes it.

🎭 if you pared with him you, he either does stuff ir leaves it and does it on the last moment before tge deadline. His ass likes working alone. Secretly prays to be put w Sigyn

🎭 Legit had a mental breakdown in class once. I think bro is used to having em.

🎭 Got voted to be one of those pissy teachers later on in life in the year book.

That’s all for now💀 might make a part two w more characters.

⭐️tag list⭐️ @miss-seanymph-pani @tinyy-tea-cup @heldril @nicasdreamer @monstertreden @riseofamoonycake @imperfectbloodmoon @salmonpoki @snowmantita @rukia-writes @swallowtail-lotus @brokensenseofhumor @bromeliae

[hanasnx]

fratboy!anakin headcanons

part: 3 | part 1 ⟹ part 2

minors dni 18+

word count: 0.8k | character(s): anakin skywalker x gn!reader

notes: do not give anyone road head it is so dangerous.

warnings: no use of y/n, mention of reader being shorter than anakin, mentions of copping feels, drug use mention (weed, acid, shrooms) and mention of sex on acid, mention of road head, mention of twitter porn links.

☥ If you sound interested in meditating and yoga, he’d ask if you wanted to join him on the basis he’s “really good at it.”

Sits quietly in meditation with a curated playlist of music and lit incense. Cop feels while he directs your body in poses.

He usually does both in the morning to stretch and center himself and get ready for his day, using a daily YouTube video from “Yoga with Adrienne.”

It’s not that you’re bad at it or know the poses by name but when he sees you putting pressure on your knee incorrectly, he comes up behind you real close and moves your body for you. Puts his big hands on your hips and pulls you back into him, and acts all innocent when you call him on it. He knows what he’s doing.

Showering you with compliments. “Lookin’ good, baby, you sure you haven’t done this before?”

and “I see you closing up here. lemme relax you.” beginning to massage your thighs, sliding up to your ass— as if it isn’t intimate enough already.

There’s a part of you that wants to keep dangling yourself out of his reach. “Ani, I don’t think we should be doing this.”

When he speaks, his lips murmur against the back of your head, warm breath washing over your neck. “It’s okay, it’s just yoga; you’re so tense.”

☥ He doesn’t sleep much. Nightmares aren’t an uncommon occurrence, but he suffers from a case of insomnia for a number of other reasons. So his time is spent doing other things. He has the graveyard shift at his job which tires him out enough for an hour or two long power nap until he can get to class or the gym or hockey practice.

☥ Extremely disciplined despite your preconceived notions. He sticks to a schedule: a healthy diet; takes his job seriously (even if he believes he’s the best person there and should move on to better things); committing to hockey and its demands; and has a brain that processes things like homework in a record time you’re envious of.

☥ Does smoke weed occasionally for “spirituality.” He’s done acid and shrooms for the same reason. All three being low on the risk factor of drug use, which is one of the reasons he was comfortable trying them out.

He wants to take a tab with you and fuck. All of your senses heightened, and inhibitions lowered. It’s mind-blowing. He wants to blow your mind and your back out.

☥ Has gotten road head from you before. It only made him drive faster.

☥ Plays Minecraft with you and you have a server together. (Named after your ship name. He doesn’t tell you that.)

☥ Movie nights where you swap your favorites. You show him Pride and Prejudice (2005) and he shows you Tron: Legacy (2010).

☥ Sends you Twitter porn links captioned; “us💕”

[rederiswrites]

I want to talk about my health journey over this last year, improving my function and getting better with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. But talking about chronic illness is so incredibly difficult. Look at the backlash people get for saying that exercise and sunshine and regular sleep really DO help depression. What I have to say is in many ways the same thing! It's an incredibly delicate issue, and very often, talking about solutions you can implement yourself sounds like blaming people for their own suffering. On the other hand, if all you hear is the conventional medical line that there's nothing but some medicine that sort of helps, that's where you're stuck. I was stuck.

I didn't want to hear that learning to fucking relax was going to be a huge component of my journey. That sounded like exactly the same shit the people who said "have you tried yoga" and the doctors who told me it was all in my head were saying! It's not, really. Not at all. It's missing far too many critical components. But uh....learning to relax is in fact incredibly important.

For example, yes, the pain is in my head. Pain is ALWAYS in our heads!! That is where the brain decides to interpret data received from the nerves as pain! It is ALWAYS heavily influenced by factors well beyond the objective experience. Science has thoroughly demonstrated that we can feel pain without an injury--indeed, that we can feel pain when the sensory input wasn't even on our body! And in the inverse, we can have injuries and not experience pain. Pain is not nearly as reliable a signal of injury as we believe it to be.

And yes! Yoga might help! It helps a lot of people! But if you go and do yoga with, say, a teacher who is not trauma-informed, or without at least some understanding of what your nervous system is up to, or the strains and trouble points in your body, you'll get little benefit and might experience harm.

The nervous system is our body's OS, in a very real sense, and for me as for many people, addressing that turns out to be really important to healing. But the nervous system isn't really designed to be user serviceable! So if it's being overreactive, constantly on high alert, keeping you in a stress response that physically blocks healing, feeling pain where there's really only a light and innocuous pressure, or maybe just a runaway inflammatory response that, like a highway traffic jam, is literally just creating itself-- well, fixing that is hardly a matter of just "oh silly goose you should stop that! It's all in my head!" But there are ways. Mindfulness techniques. Visualization. Meditation. I almost mistyped medication but it's actually true--a lot of the time fibro and ME/CFS patients get treated with antidepressants! It does help, for a while, but it doesn't change the underlying problem much.

For me, while I've tried and gotten benefit from some of those--actually, come to think, ALL of those things--pure information is my medicine of choice. Just exposing myself over and over to the message that you can get better, that people have, that there's nothing detectable mechanically wrong with me, to the science of physiology and the nervous system and pain. Books, TED talks, youtube videos, research papers, articles...

And most importantly, I had to commit. I had to reach a point where I said, I will do whatever it takes. No comfort, no habit, is more important than getting better, and I believe I can get better. No doctor ever told me that--I had to find survivors who had recovered online, largely by accident. Once I believed I could get better, working to achieve that goal became vastly easier. So I radically changed my diet. I restructured my days massively. I spent hundreds of hours consuming information that reinforced my hope and commitment and my understanding of the problems. I worked incredibly hard to get my sleep under control, and it's an ongoing process but there has been progress.

Today, I got out of bed before the second alarm that tells me to get off my phone and get up. Because getting up wasn't so crushingly hard. I didn't have a perfect night's sleep, but it was enough. Yesterday, and the day before, I worked steadily through the day, I accomplished my goals, and I didn't end the day crushingly drained OR bubbling with adrenaline from pushing myself beyond my normal limits. I don't need to recover, today. Because I didn't do more than I could sustainably do, and yet I made progress. I did laundry. Had great conversations. Planted three dozen tulips. Pulled weeds. Attended a webinar and learned how my state legislature works. Took care of the chickens. Ate a really healthy lunch that I enjoyed, and made the family a really healthy, delicious dinner. Caught up on the news with the family and then read a thought-provoking book. Made beads.

I still have a long way to climb on this spiral staircase. Probably the cold weather and midwinter will really challenge my ability to regulate myself and stay functional. I still have to incorporate regular exercise as a critical pillar of ongoing good health. I'm still struggling to find resources on meditation and mindfulness practice that I resonate with. (Three books in on that subject, one of which was interesting but annoying, two of which I actually quit in exasperation.) But I do really feel like I'm making progress that's not just luck or the usual fluctuation of symptoms. I am, in quiet ways, doing Pretty Okay. And that's a lot, when you've been bedbound.

[sailorkamino]

Hi! Could you write some headcannons for tbb x body insecure or plus sized reader?

body insecurities [bad batch]

relationships: gn!reader x bad batch

warnings: weight insecurities, echo has body dysmorphia, diet culture, an older sibling being a parental figure, autistic tech struggling w/ emotions, past body shaming

a/n: i love writing for tech but i struggle with his dialogue, if you're a bad batch writer pls send me some tips to making him sound in character <3

crosshair

• great at reading body language so he can tell when you need comfort even if you don't verbalize it

• he might seem annoyed but that's just his rbf, if he didn't care he wouldn't ask

• the type to be angry when he's worried

• it's eaiser to threaten you then admit he cares

• he'll say stuff like "take a risk like that again and i'll shoot you" or "drink some water dumb ass, i'm not your baby sitter"

• his first reaction is to fight the problem

• "did someone tell you that shit?"

• once he realizes he doesn't need to commit murder he's not leaving you along until you talk

• cross is the best listener and i will die on this hill

• he can seem dismissive of your insecurities but he does care, he just thinks you're wrong lmao

• brutally honest so any praise from him means a lot

echo

• the most empathetic boyfriend part 1

• def has suffered from body dysmorphia so he understands

• but also baffled cuz you're perfect to him

• he's very serious about your mental health so he wants to his a conversation about this

• the most genleman to ever gentleman, he will shower you in love!!

• lots of cuddling and sweet words

• hope you don't have any plans cuz you're not allowed to leave his arms until you feel better

• if you want to eat better that's great! but none of these unhealthy diets you see on the holonet

• no he'll research the best diet/exercise plan for you personally to make sure you're safe <3

• you've helped so much with his confidence he's determined to return the favor

hunter

• instantly knows when something's bothering you

• as the oldest he was forced into a parental role at a young age so he has a lot of expierence with comforting

• will give you a worried dad look until you tell him what's wrong

• he might get a little pushy if you aren't opening up

• he doesn't mean to but worrying about his loved ones is like his default setting

• [protective mode activated] did someone say something? cross will probably help get rid of a body if he asks-

• blames himself for your doubt

• secretly reads/watches romance stories so he'll probably drop some cheesy lines from them

• shows your tummy lots of love, like using it as a pillow while you stroke his hair or sneaking a hand under your top, lulled by your breaths

• cuddles with skin to skin contact are very intimate to hunter cuz of his higtened senses so this is very special privilege

• if it'll give you confidence he offers to work out with you, using the holonet he tries to find 'fun' exercises you can both enjoy (yoga, zumba, etc.)

tech

• he'll get frustrated because he doesn't understand your pov

• he's told you that you're attractive and healthy, why are you still upset?

• hunter has always told him "you can't make others see things the way you do" and it's infuriating for him

• tech is a fixer so he feels helpless when he can't just fix your insecurities

• he'll encourage you to talk to one of his more emotionally intelligent brothers which you take as rejection

• when your eyes fill with tears he panics even more

• "perhaps i should get hunter-" "i don't want your brothers, i want you tech"

• he's quiet for a moment before awkwardly opening his arms, "physical touch causes the brain to release oxytocin, a bonding hormone that strengthens social bonds in mammals. would you like a hug?"

• he's always found you attractive but never voiced it, now he makes sure to tell you every time

• get ready for blunt but 100% genuine compliments like "your chest is distracting in that shirt"

wrecker

• the most empathetic boyfriend part 2

• king of emotional intelligence

• will pick you up and hold you like you're a doll, laughs if you call yourself 'heavy'

• everyone is kind of small to wrecker (even his brothers) so to him you're practically a baby tooka

• but still he takes your feelings seriously

• cadet wrecker was definitely body shamed by regs so he knows how it feels

• showers you with affection 24/7 so it's hard to feel insecure around this guy

• will fight anyone who makes you feel bad >:(

• like hunter, he also offers to work out with you (not just cuz he loves showing off-)

• loves active games, like just dance or wii sports

• is up for any activity has long as you're involved tbh

[majaurukalo]

People are so quick to judge disabled people who have unhealthy habits, like drinking, smoking (cigarettes or weed) and such.

I smoke and drink a lot of coffee and sometimes a glass or two of booze even when I’m at home alone.

But I also have chronic pain and anxiety and I’m not always comfortable in my body and the whole world, especially when it’s inaccessible and when I’m surrounded by ableist people, scares me.

Cigarettes help me to relax, to be less nervous. Coffee helps me to stay more awake, to give my body that boost it needs. Alcohol helps me to ease my nerves, especially when I’m out with friends and I know I’ll be in pain more than usual.

I try to balance all this stuff but the thing is, it’s not like I have healthy alternatives to all my issues. Meds aren’t healthy either.

Yoga? No, it doesn’t help. Meditation neither.

My chronic pain and anxiety are only the cherry on the top of all the other life issues I encounter like everybody else. So I have to manage more stuff than a healthy/able-bodied person.

It’s not easy. What’s easy is fall into unhealthy coping mechanisms that someone who doesn’t understand this life is so ready to judge, to scowl at and admonish us that “we shouldn’t smoke/drink alcohol/yada yada in our circumstances”.

But also, I’m not a kid. I can smoke, drink coffee and booze like any normal person.

It’s my body and I’ll put into it whatever I want.

I’m not saying everybody should do it. Be careful when drinking/smoking. It’s better if nobody does that but it is what it is. Just, use your brain, that’s what I’m saying.

And if you are able-bodied and see a disabled person smoking/drinking and want to comment… Don’t.

[al-the-remix]

Give me some TRUST 🥵

Okay this one was inspired by 1) Oliver's band tattoos on his upper forearm (which I know people love to argue back and forth about wether in the queer community they actually mean fisting--it's individual, sometime they do sometimes they don't--in this fic it does for Buck 😌) and 2) one of my favourite possessions Bert Herman's TRUST: The Hand Book

This is the updated 1991 version but it's still dated in some respects, so although it might not have all the most up to date medical terminology it's still a) a super important historical document and b) the only book I've personally found that really captures the spiritual element of not just fisting, but queer sex and kink/fetish communities that you get from speaking to one and other but not necessarily documented in writing. I think about that "My heart is yours if you can reach it" quote all the time.

All that to say, I'm a little bit of a "Tommy's a bit of a hippy" truther, it might of taken a while, but once he got out of the army and left the 118 and went to therapy and started having healthy relationships with men and started doing yoga and became a Plant (*cough* leather) Daddy, I can see this approach to not just sex but also the body appealing to him. Something about the intensity of the act but also the required mindfulness of it.

Anyway, as soon as he see's Buck's tattoo for the first time, he's like "I'm taking that man inside me up to the elbow if it's the last thing I do" lol (Buck is of course on board).

Tommy squeezed Evan’s forearm softly, his fingers stretching halfway around the breadth of him. Evan grinned and flexed, corded muscles jumping under Tommy’s hand like piano wires. Tommy liked him like this, a little cocky, a lot pleased with himself, it made a warm syrupy feeling pool in his gut.  "You think you can get that deep in me too?" Tommy mused, he tried to make it sound casual but the hitch in his breath gave it away.  “I don’t know…” Evan said, twisting his arm around clenching his fist so Tommy could watch the tendons in his wrist pluck at his skin. “Do you think you can take it?” Tommy’s mouth went suddenly dry. It had admittedly been a while.  His gaze lifted to Evan’s face and there was a knowing glimmer in his eyes that made the syrupy feeling turn molten. Tommy pulled him in by his grip on Buck’s forearm till he was settled between Tommy’s thighs, till he was close enough that Tommy could see the flecks of green in his eyes. He smoothed his hands up Evan’s arms and over his shoulders, digging his fingers into the muscles there. He was so big everywhere that sometimes it took Tommy’s breath away.  “I want you to make me.” Ten years ago he would have been embarrassed by how fucked up he sounded already, voice ragged like he’d been chewing on glass. There was an Evan shaped hole inside him that had been growing ever since Evan had walked across wet tarmac to shake Tommy’s hand and nothing quite felt like enough.  Evan’s gaze zig-zagged across his face like he was stitching together some truth about Tommy in that big beautiful brain of his, one that hadn’t come together until now.  His hand on Tommy’s jaw was heavy, pulling him into a lingering kiss. Tommy arched against him, moaning into his mouth loud enough to be glad they weren’t at Evan’s place. Thick arms anchored themselves around his waist, Evan’s tongue, always impatient and a little sloppy, pushing inside, right where Tommy needed him.  When they parted Evan’s mouth was pink and slick, voice husky enough to rival Tommy’s own.  “I know what you want,” he said, stroking his hand down the side of Tommy’s neck to his shoulder, pushing him down onto the mattress, broad palm and spindly fingers spread wide across his chest. “I see you.”

[royjamierot]

Roy and Jamie sharing a cold peach on their front steps on a hot summer day. (On the intimacy of sharing fruit)

this has been in my inbox foreverrr thank you for sending it because ive been thinking about it literally constantly. i wrote this and im so tired so im sorry if it's terrible hope you enjoy though!

Roy doesn't know how he ended up here, staring at Jamie, who's laughing with him on his front stoop. They had finished with practice, and grabbed some fruit from Roy's kitchen before walking outside to enjoy the weather as it cooled in the evening. They were talking about Jamie's stint on Lust Conquers All, and now Jamie is laughing at a comment Roy made about one of his costars.

"You know, people still come up to me to tell me they think me and Amy shoulda gotten married," Jamie and Roy both laugh at the absurdity. "I don't think I even have her number. I don't know her last name."

"The yoga mums always said that. They're always going on and on about how you and Amy just clicked. I never understood any of that shit, they told me it was- what is that dumb fucking-"

"Body science?" Jamie finishes for him smugly.

"Body science." Roy growls. "I don't understand what the fuck that means."

"Well, I'm fucking fit right?" Roy sees Jamie extend his arms in a questioning movement, and for a moment Roy doesn't realize Jamie is looking for a response. Roy glares at him. He doesn't answer seriously, too afraid of revealing something he shouldn't.

"You know what I think of your looks." Roy says, and Jamie laughs. It's a fucking lovely sight. Jamie's laugh is loud and unabashed, just like the man it belongs to. Roy feels his own lips lilt without his permission. Roy looks down at the soft peach in his hands, and murmurs something about Jamie's ugly hair. He doesn't mean it. He knows he doesn't.

"Everyone thinks I'm fit, you're just contrarian." Jamie nudges him, his eyebrows raised, and Roy looks back up at him. The sun catches his eyes and Roy notices flecks of yellow he's never seen before. He freezes slightly, something in Roy's body taken off guard. The skin of the peach is molded under the pressure of his hand tensing.

"Big word for a prat like you." Roy snipes back, hand relaxing, the marks from his grip left behind in the ripe fruit.

"Fuck off." Jamie says it offhandedly, without hesitation, and he fucking smiles too. Roy wonders when they got to the point that they both know he doesn't mean it.

"Anyways, body science. No matter what your dark-ages gecko brain tells you, I'm fit as fuck, and so was Amy. That's body science. Two fit people existing in the same room." Jamie illustrates his point with a nod at the end of his sentence, and a half serious look, like he's really educating Roy on something.

"That cannot be it." Roy almost laughs at the absurdity.

"Nah, it is mate. Isaac explained it to me." Jamie assures.

"I've heard Isaac talk about it and he did not fucking say that."

"Okay maybe that's my explanation of it, but that's what body science is on a show like Lust Conquers All. The whole show is based on body science."

"Do you mean sexual tension?"

"No, that's different, I have that with everyone." Jamie grins at him, and Roy rolls his eyes.

"You're a right twat." Roy says.

"You still have me around." Jamie tells him, like they're not sitting around hanging around even though their practice has been done for over an hour.

"I'm not sure why." He says it, but he does know why.

"Who would you take your anger out on every morning?"

"Some other dickhead who deserved it."

"Aw, don't say that, I thought we had something special." Jamie makes eyes at him that would look somehow more in place on a puppy, but also somehow fit Jamie.

Roy just looks at him, and shakes his head. Jamie takes a bite of his own peach, undented and orange and ripe.

He takes a big bite out of the side of the peach, and Roy watches him chew for a moment before he notices everything about Jamie and has to look away.

"Fuck, that's good." Jamie basically fucking moans and Roy isn't a strong enough man to not look back.

The juice of the peach drips down Jamie's well sculpted jaw as he takes another bite. It almost drips off entirely but instead falls on his jawline. Roy's fingers crave to reach out and wipe it off. They don't. Instead, he runs his fingers over the indents in his own fruit.

Jamie takes another bite, and notices Roy just watching him.

"This peach is fucking lush, you should have yours." Jamie advises through a mouthful. It does nothing to help the situation on his chin and his lips, suddenly shiny and sticky with the juice of the fruit. Roy can't find it within himself to look away, or to stop holding his own peach too tightly, damaging the skin ever so slightly.

It takes him aback, how much he notices the juice on his face.

Jamie hums after his bite is finished. Roy looks away when Jamie almost catches him staring. He looks down at the peach in his hand and the marks he's made in it. Holding it up to his lips, he takes a bit. His face scrunches. It's too soft, and slightly sour.

"Mine's no good. Overripe." He turns the peach over in his hands, the deep marks from little pressure making sense. The fruit is almost mush in his hands. He sets it on the concrete knowing he can't eat anymore.

"Shit. Try mine." Jamie holds his peach out, and Roy can't look at it. Why would he? Jamie is right here in front of him.

"I'm not eating your half eaten scraps."

"No, you don't get it, it's the best peach I've had in my life, you gotta try it." Jamie insists, shiny juice still coating his lips and chin. Roy wants to lick it off.

His brain goes fuzzy, the way it does when his body overrides his ever working mind, and does something stupid. There's one thought in his head, and it's Jamie.

"Okay." Roy murmurs. His hands move of their own accord, and one finds itself cupping Jamie's chin, pulling him closer to Roy. Jamie goes with his hand.

"Tell me to fuck off again. Tell me you don't want this." Roy tells Jamie, their breath mingling from their few inches of space, their noses almost bumping.

"I want this." Jamie says, and Roy is gone. He kisses Jamie like he's trying to consume him whole, trying to taste him. He bites Jamie's bottom lip like it's the fruit itself. Jamie smiles against him. It's so good he doesn't think the fruit could possibly be better. His thumb rubs Jamie's chin, and he pulls away. Jamie instinctively chases him, and Roy smiles.

Roy's thumb collects the dripping juice from Jamie's chin, and he tastes it.

"Mm. Good."

Jamie stares at him, shaky grin occupying his face, and he holds up the peach.

"Try it." Roy takes a bite, and it's good but he was right. It's not comparable to the taste of Jamie.

"Good. Not you though." He murmers though half lidded eyes, diving in for another kiss.

[honeytonedhottie]

so you're my only hope and i really wish for your advice. it's humiliating to say my story but i really need help. so i was misdiagnosed with schizofrenia (i 100% know i'm healthy) i need to lie that i have schizofrenia because my mother needs money. and here comes my desires : revision and desired age/grade level and maaany more. i have no responsibilities literally zero! the way i manifest is i walk around my room and viseualise, affirm and overall manifest which is fun but the thing is do you think i should build healthy day routine instead of just pacing around my room all day long? could you provide me a routine? thank you for help because yall are saving me for real. it could be even self care habits to do every day anything to avoid pacing around

thank you for coming to me 💗 and im so sorry about ur story. im so happy that you know the law because you deserve all of ur desires and more!! 💗

so to build a healthy routine and schedule for urself. doing so builds discipline. im gonna give u some healthy habits, a morning and evening routine, and resources for those things. a good place to start tho is making a weekly agenda that changes with the week, something to switch things up every week. just make one 💗💗💗

—healthy habits🩰⊹ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ♡̴ ⋆⁺₊⋆

♡ moving ur body/pilates - i personally do pilates and i recommend it to literally everybody. but the basic idea is to move around (and that does not mean pacing in ur bedroom) i mean get ur blood flowing and get moving. it doesn’t have to be pilates it can be running, a sport, dancing, yoga etc

here’s a link to one of the pilates workouts that i recommend if ur a beginner : 

♡ get a hobby - some hobby recommendations: if u are good at writing try poetry, try teaching urself how to draw or paint or sculpt, learn how to dance, learn how to play an instrument, learn a sport, learn languages, become a good cook, write stories, start a blog, learn to sew or crotchet, learn tech, read lots of books, watch/listen to lots of podcasts. literally just get busy 

♡ meditating and journaling - this is so good not only for ur mental health but it can also improve focus and keep u grounded. keep a journal or start meditating every day

here’s a link to a guided meditation for self love : 

♡ self care - i LOVE self care. literally practice self care every single day. take care of ur nails, skin, hair, lashes EVERYTHING. be super intentional with ur self care bcuz it tells our brains that we are worthy of effort and it’ll LITERALLY make u feel like a princess. 

♡ manifesting - you mentioned that u wanted to do some revision so something that i recommend for revising is using SATS. or state akin to sleep. once ur in state akin to sleep go back in ur mind and revise whatever u want. or just do SATS before bed every night. this is such a powerful manifesting tool

♡ sleep - aim to get between eight to ten hours of sleep a night. you’ll look better, feel better, and your physical and mental health will just skyrocket 

—morning🌸⊹ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ♡̴ ⋆⁺₊⋆

♡̴ first thing in the morning, fix ur bed 

♡ open the blinds/windows if the sun is out, this all depends on what time u wake up but if the sun isn’t out just skip this step 

♡ stretch for a couple minutes 

♡ write down at least three things that ur grateful for (don’t write down what u aren’t grateful for AT THAT MOMENT, literally just write down three things that ur grateful for right then and there) 

♡ brush ur teeth and use a tongue scraper 

♡ have a glass of water with some lemon slices 

♡ take a warm shower and moisturize 

♡ skincare routine 

♡ put on an outfit that makes u feel pretty 

♡ if u get nauseous when u eat breakfast then try eating something light, but if that doesn’t work then listen to ur body and just skip breakfast. if that’s not the case tho eat a balanced breakfast 

THEN GET TO WORK ON YOUR AGENDA THAT I MENTIONED IN THE BEGINNING<3 

—evening🍥⊹ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ♡̴ ⋆⁺₊⋆

♡ take a warm shower and moisturize 

♡ 30-60 minutes of self care and pampering 

♡ make a yummy dinner that’s nourishing 

♡ read for 20 minutes or watch something that enriches u 

♡ evening yoga 

♡ drink water 15 minutes before bed 

THEN GO TO SLEEP AND HAVE SWEET DREAMS <3 

this is just an idea, or a basic guideline to follow if u need it. customize it to ur specific needs and day-to-day life. im so excited for all ur desires to manifest cuz u deserve it! mwah 💗💗💗

[pattybbee]

Sunday

11:43 am

I have been in a roller coaster. The other day I was at the peak but yesterday I woke up in the pit. It was the feeling of misery again. Fear. Insecurity. Emotional Trauma. And I really, really just don’t want to be here anymore. In this place, in this neighborhood. I fought this feeling hard as I tried to fall asleep. I fought with what I knew I was worth. Repeating to myself over and over that I am above this suffering. I succeeded for the night. But I woke up as the same, demotivated girl that I have been while I was in the said state I’ve been trying to escape. The sun is bright outside. It’s a beautiful Sun-day. Yet I’ve been refusing to wake up since 7:25 am. I have abandoned my morning workout. Abandoned my Sunday morning freedom, to stroll this neighborhood. It was already 11 when I finally decided to have a beautiful day—on the outside. Because we all know that most days, I can make daily life look aesthetically pleasing.

I made my refrigerator stock of rice, some green beans for lunch, coffee and warmed up a pastry to start my day.

Which person should I be today? Which personality am I deploying?

A very tricky feature that’s built in me is my multiple personalities. The struggle is…they’re not friends. They have different interests and different methods to go around things. This feature isn’t bad because it allows me to understand people who are different than me, very deeply. My mind is open, and nonjudgmental…to others. But to myself? Very judgmental. One personality won’t let the other be. It’s an episode of Split every time and the personalities are fighting for their turn for the spotlight in this body.

I just want to finally come undone, have a mental breakdown and cry. I’m pretty sure it’s the Pisces in me. Having my Venus in Pisces, the love, romance and financial department of my life is a wreck. Exalted in theory but a wreck in execution. I just want to process a heartbreak sometimes but my Moon in Leo, and Sun in Capricorn are judging my Venus in Pisces for that need. Leo asks why? “Have you seen you? Why would you be sad over insignificant people? You are the loss.” Capricorn says, “It’s not even worth it. Not worth the time. Not worth the thought. If you pull up to the receipts, you can see that you’ve been at a disadvantage. So just cut the losses because really, the only thing that you’ve lost was money for spending time with people who didn’t see your value. You will be richer if you invest in yourself instead." By the way, I have my Mars in Cancer, and she will eventually want to wish a certain person a horrible outcome. She probably even caused this nostalgia in the first place! But for now, she’s retreated in her shell, sleeping sadly with my kitty cat babies, after wreaking havoc in my head.  My Sagittarius Rising just wants to get out of here honestly. Just let karma run its course. Just want to go to the gym, do sunset yoga by the river and be productive. And maybe that’s the only comfort my Venus in Pisces can seek solace from. Do Venusian things to escape. Maybe start writing again, start cooking, make videos or watch slow living vlogs to calm myself with the daydream that that’s me if I had it my way—my Piscean way.

Most of my personality is tough. And they usually take the wheel. And because of it, I couldn’t feel things as it happens. It’s very delayed because my pride won’t let me. In certain matters of the heart, my mind could never accept what has been done to me. My heart could get all beaten and blue, and my brain will still say no one broke it. It’s not heartbreaking, rather it’s just disappointing.

 What most of my friends say is... “You are in your head too much”. And that’s true. I predominantly operate in my head and not in my feelings. That personality doesn’t get to be in the spotlight too much. And when it does, it gets judged. I don’t hate my other personality traits however, because they’re not wrong. They are all for me. To back me up and to soothe me. Yet the irony of it all is that it’s always Me against Me. But even if sometimes they don’t sync, that’s okay because by the end of the day all I have is me and my multiple versions. At some point they will all have to agree.

[ryuichirou]

I had a dream I was in a classroom with a bunch of twst characters and I have to squeeze their asses, so I grab Rook’s butt and I am greeted with a handful of the dumpiest dump truck of an ass to ever exist!

Then I get go get a handful of Trey’s ass, and it is a gloriously muscular butt!

I thought you might get a kick out of my brain headcanoning twst butts, and, honestly, I just needed someone else to know this information.

The dreams our Anons are having are honestly something else. But this is what twst does to people’s minds, so I can’t blame you, Anon 🫠 Everything is twst boys’ butts, and nothing hurts. You’ve also picked such good characters to grab butts of, well, not safety-wise, but butt-wise. Good taste.

Honestly it’s a good question. I think we’ve had this conversation with Katsu several times, but every time it ends with “Yana gives everyone flat asses anyway :( “. Still, let’s fantasize a little bit…

Riddle – an almost nonexistent butt. It’s kiiiind of there, but barely. It’s obviously quite small, but surprisingly? Also quite soft. It’s a very cute butt, but he would hate it if you said that to him.

Ace – eh, just a regular butt? Nothing too special. If google isn’t lying to me, basketball mostly activates the muscles of your upper body, so while Ace is very toned in general, he has more “meat” up there.

Now, someone who does track and field  would have his glutes muuuch more developed. What I’m saying is that Deuce has a very nice butt. It’s not too big, but it’s definitely bigger than Ace’s.

Trey’s butt isn’t super huge but it’s noticeable. It’s round and a little soft, but there’s still probably some muscles there lol

Cater is someone who wouldn’t have a big and noticeable butt, but on some photos it would look big enough for him to write a cringy description for it when he posts the picture on magicam lol

Leona – probably a noticeable round butt. Soft when he sleeps, hard as rock when he’s awakened because someone just touched his butt.

Jack – once again, track and field! He probably has the biggest butt, it’s super meaty and impressive. And the tail just brings more attention to it lol

Ruggie – bones 😔 Feed him more

Azul – as someone who owns a beautiful aniplex Azul figurine, I can say with certainty: the butt is flat   And Azul does a lot to keep it that way. It isn’t as boney as Ruggie though, of course, and is quite nicely toned and muscular. The muscles just aren’t as noticeable.

Jade and Floyd – hmmm, the tweel butts are big, but also not that perky. They have more “volume” in their chest region and also have wide shoulders, so the tweel butts don’t look as huge when you don’t look at them specifically to check them out. They do look nice in their dorm uniform pants though.

Kalim – a small one, not very impressive. For some reason, Jamil’s butt is bigger, even though Kalim eats more and exercises less often. Jamil also breaks the basketball rule, but maybe it’s because he also dances.

Vil – perfection I mean,,, Vil’s butt looks exactly how he wants it to look, not an inch smaller or bigger. In general, he has a noticeable, but not big butt. It looks round, is soft, but also super muscular. He could break a magic pen with his cheeks if he had nothing better to do. I like to call Vil’s butt a “yoga butt” lol

Rook – bigger than one would expect, definitely bigger than Vil’s. He spends a lot of time hiding in bushes, so his leg muscles are something else lol as we also know from Yana’s words, Rook is heavier than Trey, so there is some beefcakey bullshit going on under his robes. It’s honestly a testament to his amazing hiding skills that no one in NRC has noticed his butt yet.

Epel – small, but actually quite bouncy butt. Not a lot bigger than Riddle’s…

Idia – Bones… the bone king himself 😭 and yet, his butt gets nervously tighter adorably if you poke his cheek with your finger.

Ortho – he also barely has a butt. A small and hard robo-butt. Tragic. Maybe his niisan will build a nice one for him if he asks! Idia definitely spends more time thinking about thighs than butts lol

Silver – a gorgeous butt. Round, squishable, he has strong muscles and yet he’s usually very relaxed and soft. Lilia is proud of Silver’s butt, as if he has anything to do with the way it looks.

Sebek – a big and meaty boy. Heavy. Not as big as Jack, but pretty close. Sebek definitely killed someone with the sheer strengths his butt once because he wasn’t careful while turning. But it’s completely their fault! It’s definitely not as soft as one would expect it to be….

Lilia – it’s as if…as if it’s not even there. He used to have a bigger butt when he was younger; these days it’s just… flat lol but Lilia knows his angles and poses, so he can trick you into thinking that he has a cute butt if he wanted to!

Malleus – another quite gorgeous one. It’s a butt that no one ever sees, but it’s also quite legendary. And, in contrast to Sebek, it’s quite softer than one would expect it to be. Also quite pale and tender.

[successfullyadhd]

My son is ADHD and suffers very badly from second hand embarrassment. He can not even watch a tv show or movie with a character that does something embarrassing. I think it is the reason he is scared to try new things in fear of not being good at it and getting Embarrassed.

Do you have any suggestions for me to help him overcome this?

I’m so sorry that it’s 2024 and I somehow just saw this question from 2021. Whew. Awkward.

Anyway, I’m going to answer as if it’s still helpful because it might be! And if not to you, then maybe another person.

Two parts -

1) second hand embarrassment. I get this ALL the time and cannot watch certain shows because of it. The Office is a great example, where the humor is based on other people not understanding typical social cues. I cannot be in the room while someone is watching The Office. Or pretty much anything with Will Ferrell.

People with ADHD have incredible empathy, to the point where they deeply feel emotions of other people around them. Part of it is a defense mechanism - we get so many more negative reactions from our peers and adults at a young age than is typical that you start intensely studying non-verbal cues to recognize when something is about to go wrong. Watching this play out, even in a non-threatening situation like through a TV show, sparks up our fight-or-flight. The social cues are telling us to run even though it isn’t happening to us. The other reason is that our brains are wired to feel our own emotions more intensely than the average person. When we see other people going through a situation we find relatable or have experienced before (skirt tucked into your undies in public) the emotions we would be feeling in the same situation get brought up, even though it isn’t happening to us. Our brain and nervous system is recognizing a pattern and telling us what it *would* feel like if it were us, which then makes us understand how that person is most likely feeling.

And for this, I have no suggestions 🙃 if I knew how to stop second hand embarrassment, I would share. But I would say it could be a strength, because empathy and shared human experiences help you be a better person, and make lasting friendships. (As long as those friends don’t watch The Office. Or Parks and Rec.)

2) not trying new things - this one is also common among the ADHD crowd. ADHD people have a tendency to be perfectionists - we can see exactly how something should go and as soon as we have an idea, our brain has already sprinted ahead to the finish line and made a diagram of the exact way to get there. But there is a disconnect between our ideas - often ambitious, lofty and enthusiastic - and the experience needed to make it happen. For example, I love embroidery. I daydream about the incredible designs I would love to make - but when I try to do it, I don’t have the skill needed to make it come to life. If I kept at it, tried and practiced and messed it up and tried it again, I would have already been the best embroidery artist the world has seen. But the experience of the perfect imagine in my brain not being translated into what my skill is capable of doing is frustrating, and I quickly become uninterested.

It can be intimidating to try new things and feeling like unless you have innate talent, you aren’t going to be successful and you will look dumb. (And even people with innate talent need practice to hone their skills.)

To encourage trying new things, I would suggest starting small in a space where he is free to fail repeatedly over and over again. When I go to a yoga class and the teacher introduces some complicated move that my body isn’t ready for, I’ll sometimes take a water break or pause in the previous movement and look around with envy at all the other people successfully doing it. I wait it out and then go on with the movements when I’m back in comfortable territory. But when I get home, I’ll practice the move by myself over and over again until I’m ready to do it in front of other people without the humiliation of struggling in front of my peers.

The other thing that helps is low pressure and low stakes situations. I am not athletic by any stretch of the imagination and I can remember so many situations in grade school (or middle school!) gym class where we would need to do some athletic feat in front of 30 other kids. I would try to get out of it and the teacher would pressure me, and the other kids would say “it’s not that hard, just do it.” And I would feel so embarrassed and flustered by the attention I would make an attempt (and utterly fail) to hit the ball and then run to the back of the line as other kids laughed. And you can bet I never, ever tried to do any of those things again because even revisiting the memory of the first attempt made me feel nauseous. But looking back, if I could have had a one-on-one situation where someone patient and kind worked with me, I would have tried so many more things. Pressure would make me double down on refusing, quiet offering would make me feel safe enough to try it.

Also, another idea would be to give him options of things he can try on his own with minimal teaching/interference. Like if someone had introduced cross country skiing, or rock climbing, or some other sport where there wasn’t a whole team relying on me, and I could practice independently to get better, I might have found an athletic side after all. Other things in the category would be: hands on crafts - leather working, bead making, drawing, etc. computer programming/video game building. Writing. Cooking. Growing a plant or a garden. Things that you can fail at over and over without it being a public display. (Whether the scrutiny is real or imagined, it will dampen the mood) And if he wants to throw away his art work without showing you, or won’t let you see his first clay sculpture or whatever - let him. Let him keep it to himself until he’s ready. I remember adults - teachers, coaches, whoever - asking to see my -insert whatever here- and me being embarrassed because I knew it wasn’t good. And then them complimenting me and encouraging me, and me being more embarrassed because I knew that objectively the thing wasn’t good and they were being kind. They were doing all the right things but I just wanted to keep it to myself until I felt confident enough to share my progress.

I hope this helps! Good luck! It’s been three years since you submitted this so I’m sure life looks different for your family today but maybe this is something that still comes up.

[nourishandthrive]

Morning Routine for a Productive Day

Starting your day with an intentional morning routine can set the tone for a productive and positive day. Here’s a guide to creating a morning routine that boosts your energy, focus, and overall well-being.

Wake Up Early

Consistency: Try to wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends, to regulate your body clock.

Natural Light: Open your curtains or step outside to get some natural light, which helps wake you up and improve your mood.

Waking up early gives you more time to start your day without rushing and sets a calm and steady pace for the day ahead.

Hydrate First Thing

Drink Water: Start your day with a glass of water to rehydrate after a night's sleep.

Add Lemon: Consider adding a slice of lemon for a refreshing boost of vitamin C.

Hydrating first thing in the morning kickstarts your metabolism and helps you feel more awake and energized.

Practice Mindfulness or Meditation

Set Aside 5-10 Minutes: Find a quiet space to sit and focus on your breathing or practice a guided meditation.

Use an App: Apps like Headspace or Calm can provide guided sessions to help you get started.

Mindfulness or meditation can reduce stress, increase focus, and promote a positive mindset for the day.

Move Your Body

Exercise Routine: Incorporate a short workout, such as yoga, stretching, or a quick cardio session.

Go for a Walk: A brisk walk outside can also be a great way to get your body moving.

Morning exercise boosts your energy levels, improves mood, and enhances concentration throughout the day.

Eat a Nutritious Breakfast

Balanced Meal: Include a mix of protein, healthy fats, and complex carbohydrates, such as eggs with avocado on whole-grain toast or a smoothie with fruits, vegetables, and protein powder.

Avoid Sugary Foods: Steer clear of sugary cereals or pastries that can cause energy crashes later.

A nutritious breakfast fuels your body and brain, providing the energy and nutrients needed to start your day strong.

Plan Your Day

Make a To-Do List: Write down your top priorities and tasks for the day.

Set Goals: Identify three main goals you want to achieve by the end of the day.

Planning your day helps you stay organized, focused, and productive, reducing the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed.

Practice Gratitude

Journal: Spend a few minutes writing down three things you’re grateful for.

Reflect: Take a moment to reflect on the positive aspects of your life.

Practicing gratitude can improve your mood, increase resilience, and set a positive tone for the day.

Sample Morning Routine

6:00 AM: Wake up and drink a glass of water with lemon.

6:10 AM: Spend 10 minutes meditating or practicing mindfulness.

6:20 AM: Engage in 20-30 minutes of exercise, such as yoga or a morning jog.

6:50 AM: Prepare and eat a nutritious breakfast.

7:15 AM: Plan your day by writing down tasks and setting goals.

7:30 AM: Journal three things you’re grateful for and reflect on positive thoughts.

7:45 AM: Begin your day feeling energized and focused.

Final Thoughts

A well-structured morning routine can transform your day, enhancing productivity and promoting a sense of well-being. Customize your routine to fit your lifestyle and preferences, and make it a habit to start each day with intention and positivity.

What does your morning routine look like? Share your tips and experiences in the comments below! Let’s inspire each other to create productive and fulfilling mornings.

[chickensarentcheap]

Lost and Found- Chapter 21

Fandom: Extraction

Warnings: angst, some profanity, dialogue centric

*Includes Extraction 1 and 2 canon mentions

Tagging: @tragiclyhip @munstysmind @themaradwrites @secretaryunpaid @youflickedtooharddamnit @asirensrage @thebejeweledwatercat @residentdormouse @kmc1989 @karimac @arrthurpendragon @ninjasawakenedmystar @ocappreciationtag @occommunity @theesirenteller

My tag list is OPEN. Please let me know if you want to be added :)

Link to Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43179357/chapters/128385061

****

She lingers on the threshold between the master bedroom and living area, quietly watching him as he works, eyes narrowed and brow furrowed as he inspects the contents of the open supply case in front of him. Mere minutes past six in the morning and he’s already been up for more than an hour; she had felt the shifting and dipping of the mattress underneath her as he slipped from the warm confines of their bed, followed by the brief, soft kiss that had been pressed to her forehead.

Sleep is a rare commodity as both brain and body make the seemingly smooth and effortless transition to ‘work Tyler’; the one that’s used to the stress and the long, sleepless nights and is intensely focused and disciplined. Knowing his habits, he likely put in a rigorous and near-punishing workout: extremely heavy lifting, a sweat-drenched run on the treadmill, and a mind-boosting and energy-centering yoga routine to finish it off.

“I hope you realize…” She leans against the doorframe, taking in the still damp hair, well-worn and faded jeans, scuffed combat boots, and simple cotton long-sleeved black tee. “...I’m going to steal that shirt.”

He briefly glances over his shoulder, his smile a striking and almost unnerving contrast to the darkness in his eyes. And he can’t help but admire her, his future wife with her hair thrown into a messy bun and her tiny body clad in nothing but one of the plaid button-downs he’d brought to New York City. It’s enormous on her, the fabric falling well below her knees, the sleeves rolled up several times in order to see her hands.

“Why do I get the sneaky suspicion that most of my side of the closet will migrate to yours?”

“Because it’s not your first rodeo. How many hoodies and t-shirts did you lose to me that year in The Kimberley?”

“Way too many to count, that’s for sure.”

“I was thinking…” She wanders into the living area, briefly stopping to pour herself tea from a freshly brewed carafe before joining him. “... about how we should do it sooner. Rather than later.”

A smirk plays on the corners of his mouth. “Are we talking about butt stuff or…?”

Esme scowls. “What’s wrong with you?”

“You mean right now or in general?”

“We did THAT twelve hours ago. I know you have short-term memory issues, but Jesus…”

“So we’re NOT talking about that. We’re talking about…”

“Marriage.” She focuses on those enormous, strong hands in order to quell her nervousness; their calloused skin, their various scars, and their misshapen knuckles. She knows the various kinds of torture they can inflict, both in the name of violence and vengeance and in creating the most intense and overwhelming sexual pleasure she’s ever experienced in her life. “Me and you. Us. Tying the knot.”

“I thought you wanted to wait. A couple years at least. Put it off until we all got adjusted to living together again and being a family and all that.”

“I guess I just got thinking about it and how it wouldn’t really matter, would it? If we got adjusted and used to things AFTER we got married? I mean, if we’re living together and we’re a team when it comes to raising Millie, it’s as good as already being married. so…”

“And just when were you thinking about all this? We only decided to tie the knot yesterday.”

“Well, I had a bit of time on my hands…”

“Does this have anything to do with the talk we had last night? You being a little paranoid that me taking the time to work on my shit somehow means I don’t want to also work on us?”

“Maybe…”

“I already told you; one has nothing to do with the other. I can do BOTH. It’s not ‘either or’.”

“It just might be a lot, you know? Trying to handle both. Dealing with what happened five years ago and between then and now and trying to play house with me and raise Millie and…”

“And getting married and being a newlywed would somehow be easier? Not put so much on my plate?”

“Maybe not easier, but….” She chews on the inside of her cheek as he stares at her pointedly, then heaves a sigh of exasperation. “Okay, so maybe I’m just a little bit neurotic and…”

“Just a ‘little bit’?’

“A LOT neurotic. At times. And I guess I’m just worried that if we don’t really lock things down BEFORE dealing with everything else, it’ll somehow make it easier for you to walk away and leave us and…”

“I’m not going to walk away. There’s nothing that you could possibly do or say that would make that happen. I’m all in. I told you that. You trust me, yeah?”

“It’s not about not trusting you. I have ALWAYS trusted you. It’s more about things being too heavy and complicated for you to handle and needing a way out.”

“I’m not that guy anymore.”

“It’s going to be hard, Tyler. Unpacking all our baggage and coming to terms with what happened. With what I did. It’s not going to be simple; accepting it all and moving on from it. And I wouldn’t blame you if it was too much and you left and…”

“Where the hell am I going to? It’s my house.”

“You know what I mean. It’s a lot easier to throw in the towel when there’s nothing really holding you down. And I know it’s just a ring and a piece of paper, but it’s like a guarantee. An insurance policy, even. It makes it harder to give up when it’s much more serious and permanent.”

“I think you’re reading into this too much. What we talked about last night.”

“I just worry that you won’t want to work as hard without that tie to me. At getting past things. At forgiving me.”

“I HAVE forgiven you.”

“Have you? Have you really?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. I would have left the same day I got here, as soon as I found out you were the one who hired me. You think I would have stuck around if I hated you?”

“Well, at first, you could have stuck around out of some sense of obligation. Millie being yours and all…”

“I’m not sure ‘obligation’ is the right word, but yeah, her existence does play a huge part in why I hung around. Obviously. But it’s not the only thing that kept me here.”

“You stayed because…”

“Because I love you. I’ve always loved you. I spent five years hoping you’d just come wandering back into my life. That you’d show up out of nowhere, just like when we first met. I stayed here in New York for you. Simple as that. I stayed for YOU.”

Both lower lip and chin tremble as tears brim in her eyes. “It is way too early in the morning for this. Tyler Rake. Making me cry like this.”

“I’m not trying to make you cry. I’m trying to make you realize that I’m not going anywhere. You don’t need an ‘insurance policy’ or a ‘guarantee’ or whatever you want to call it to keep me around. I’m here, aren’t I?”

“I have a hard time understanding it, I guess. The fact you ARE here. That you choose to be here. That it’s not just because you were hired to do a job.”

“It stopped being a job the second I saw you. Do you really think I see it that way? That this is just another gig? This is far beyond being just a payday. The minute I saw you and then met Millie…”

“I just feel like you’ve been too…I don’t know...accomodating, maybe? Too forgiving?”

“What do you want me to be like?”

Esme shrugs. “I guess I was expecting something different. Something a little more…volatile.”

“I’d never be that way with you. Ever. Doesn’t matter how bad things get. It would never happen.”

“I expected more, I guess. More anger. More bitterness. Maybe even making me get down on my hands and knees and grovel at your feet.”

“Well, if you want to get down on your knees, I’ve got something else you can do other than grovel.”

“Regardless of what you think, a blowjob does not solve every problem.”

“Maybe not EVERY problem, but a hell of a lot of them. I bet we’d come close to achieving world peace if more people got on their knees and…”

“I appreciate the attempts at piggish humour to get me to loosen up a bit, but I’m trying to have a serious conversation with you. A totally random one, mind you. But still…”

“I don’t what it is you want from me,” he admits, and turns back to the supply case. Checking the selection of magazines and filling those running low on ammunition. “What more you need me to say. Or do. I’ve been pretty open about it; all the shit I’m still holding onto and the fact I still love you and never got over you. I haven’t held anything back.”

“Like I said, I was expecting more. Something different. You’ve just been so…calm.”

“I’ve had my moments. Especially during our talk the first night here. Things got a little heated from what I remember.”’

“That was still calm. For you, anyway.”

“What is it you want to hear? What exactly do you want from me? Do you want me to completely freak out? Totally lose my shit on you? Bust up my hotel room? Put holes in the walls? Is that the kind of reaction you want?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I’m glad you never got like that. But I’m also a little weirded out, I suppose. That you didn’t go off the rails more than you did. I thought seeing Millie and realizing she was yours…”

“Seeing Millie and realizing she IS mine is what stopped me from going totally off the rails. Made me realize you had other reasons; for staying under the radar. I’m not exactly well-liked. Not in this circle, anyway. I’ve pissed off a lot of people. Burnt a lot of bridges. There’s quite a long list of people who wouldn’t mind getting revenge. I just figured maybe that’s why you kept her a secret. That maybe you were worried if word got out that I had a kid, they’d make her a target.”

“I never once thought about any of that. You weren’t the issue, Tyler. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was never about you. I mean, it WAS. But not like that.”

“I wouldn’t have blamed you. If you’d thought that. It’s pretty reasonable; not wanting trouble to show up on your doorstep. You wanted to protect your daughter.”

“OUR daughter,” she gently corrects. “She’s OUR daughter. And I never felt like I had to protect her from you. Or because of you. It was all me. I didn’t want you to turn us away. That’s what I was afraid of. That you wouldn’t want her because of me.”

“I would have wanted her. And I would have wanted you, too. I’ve only wanted you for the last five years.”

“I didn’t know that. No one ever talked about it. Your personal life. Nik never mentioned how you were doing outside of your firefighting and your reno business and doing the odd job here and there for her. And to be honest, I was scared to ask. I didn’t want to hear that you found someone else. That you’d moved on. And I know that sounds selfish as fuck, but…”

“Want to hear selfish as fuck?” Filling the last clip, he snaps it into its holding spot and then turns to face her. Arms crossed over his chest as he leans back against the edge of the table. “I used to hope that you were dead. Not because I was angry at you and felt you deserved it. Because I would have rathered you permanently gone than with someone else.”

She blinks, taken back by his honesty.

“I could handle you being dead, but not with another guy. Now who’s the selfish one? What kind of person even thinks like that? How messed up does someone have to be to come up with something so fucking twisted?”

“You’re a human being. You were hurt. And when we’re hurt, we don’t exactly think properly. We don’t…”

“It wasn’t because I was hurt. Or angry. It was because I didn’t want you with anyone else. Because all I could think was how if I couldn’t have you, I didn’t want anyone else to either.”

“I felt the same way. Every time I thought of you with someone. It fucking killed me inside. To even go down that road. I didn’t want you with anyone else. Which is pretty messed up considering I’m the one who left you.”

“We both have our issues. We always have. It’s never been one hundred percent healthy. I mean, look how we met. WHERE we met.”

.“Doesn’t mean it’s wrong, though. Us. I’ve never felt it was wrong. Have you?”

“I’ve never regretted a single thing. I’d take that bullet to the neck a million times over if it meant I got to be with you.”

“Don’t say that, Tyler. Don’t even think it. Because I don’t deserve it. That kind of devotion. I don’t…”

“I think the problem is that you WANT me to be angry. Or angrier than I am. You WANT me to totally lose my shit on you. You want me to yell and scream and tear things apart and make you feel like complete and utter shit.”

“It’s not that I want it. It’s just that…”

“You think you deserve it.”

She nods.

“You don’t. You don’t deserve that. Especially knowing the truth. About WHY you left. Yeah, there were a thousand different ways you could have handled it. You could have stayed; we could have found a way to get you out of that mess. We could have gone so far underground that they never would have found us. While Nik dealt with things. But like you said, when you’re scared, you don’t exactly think right.”

“I hurt you. Taking off like I did. Not even giving you a proper explanation. And then keeping Millie from me…”

“You’re not a bad person, Esme. You’re a good person who made a bad decision. A couple of them, actually.”

“And I deserve more. From you.”

“You’re angry because I’m NOT? Because I’m not living up to your standards of how angry I should be? Why do I need to treat you like that? Make you feel like crap? Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t even bother. Because you’re already doing a damn good job. When it comes to shit-talking yourself.”

“But I deserve that. I deserve to feel that way. To have YOU make me feel that way.”

“I don’t hate you. I could NEVER hate you. I love you too fucking much. And besides, no one could ever hate you the way you hate yourself. For what you did.”

“I can’t make peace with it. Especially when it comes to keeping Millie from you. I can’t…”

“I need you to. I need you to stop with it; all that hate and that guilt and that regret you’re carrying around. Because THAT’S what’s going to kill us. If you’re going to spend the rest of your life hating yourself and beating yourself up over it, it’s going to fuck US up. And I don’t want that. That’s the last thing I want.”

“You know….” She swipes at her escaping tears with the back of her hand. “...there’s something slightly disturbing around this changing of the guard stuff.”

Tyler arches a quizzical brow.

“When YOU’RE the one being the most rational and logical? Well, it’s kind of unnerving.”

He grins. “Smart ass.”

“I don’t know HOW to get rid of it. I’ve carried it for so long that it’s become a part of me. Where do I even start? When it comes to letting it go?”

“Well, the first thing is to believe me when I tell you that I love you. That I always have. That I don’t hate you, and I definitely wouldn’t have turned you away. I spent five years wondering where you were. What you were doing. If you were even alive. I never forgot about you. Or got over you. I probably never would have. And I don’t know why that’s so hard for you to accept.”

“I guess I don’t feel I deserve that. Someone loving me that much.”

“Why? Why do you feel like I don’t deserve it?”

“I don’t know,” she admits. “I just…do.”

“It isn’t just about what happened five years ago, is it.” It’s a statement, not a question. “That’s not the only thing going on here. It’s not just you hating yourself because of what you did.”

“What do you mean? What…?”

“You expect me to be like Mark. You expect me to react the same way he would.”

“You’re nothing like him. I would NEVER compare you to him. I would never…”

“But that’s what you’re used to, yeah? The way he treated you. You even grew up with a mom that didn’t give a fuck about you. Two people that you should have been able to trust and should have loved you no matter what turned out to be fucking assholes. So because I say ‘I love you’, I’m expected to turn out the same way.”

“I don’t expect that at all. I just think you being angry at me is and showing it is a normal reaction and…”

“But it’s not normal. Not the way you want me to show it, at least. You want me to freak out and destroy shit and make you feel like garbage. And maybe the Tyler five years ago would have acted that way; maybe he would have tried to burn everything to the fucking ground. But I’m not him anymore. And I’m definitely NOT Mark.”

“I know you’re not him. You’re not even close to being anywhere like him.”

“But you want me to be. And I’m sorry, but that’s fucked up. I mean, I get it; I understand why you are the way you are. But it’s still messed up.”

“You get used to it, I suppose. The way you’re treated. You believe everything someone tells you. About how terrible and repulsive you are and how you deserve the things they do to you. I’m not who I was; before he ever walked into my life. Sometimes I don’t even know who I am. That Esme? She’s long gone. He killed her.”

“No. He didn’t. Because the Esme I know? She’s the strongest person I’ve ever met. Everything that you’ve been through, everything that you’ve done? You staying on that bridge and putting your ass on the line for some guy you barely knew? And then all that you did in the hospital? For MONTHS? That’s real bravery. You’re a far braver and stronger person than I am.”

“That’s not true, and you know it. Everything YOU’VE been through?”

“Who got me through the worst of it? Who was the one that stuck around and shoved their fingers in my neck to stop me from bleeding to death? And who fought like hell to get me the best care in the hospital? Who stuck during all that shit afterwards? All that therapy and me being a grumpy fucking asshole?”

“In all fairness….” She manages a shaky smile. “...you’re a grumpy fucking asshole regardless of what you’re going through.”

“You got used to it the first time. Think you can do it a second?”

“I think I can do it a million more times.”

“I’m never going to be like him, Esme. And maybe, in a way, it IS expected me. Considering what I do for a living and the things I’ve done to people. But that’s not who I am. Away from the job. That Tyler is someone completely different. And I think deep down, you know that.”

“Of course I do. I wouldn’t be with you if you were that other Tyler all the time. It’s what attracted me to you; you were different than anyone else I’d ever met on the job. You had all this kindness in your eyes and in your voice. All this humanity still left inside of you. And that’s what I liked. What I fell in love with.”

“You are the strongest person I have ever known. And that’s saying something considering the life I’ve led. And I’m sorry; for every disgusting, horrible he said and did to you. And that you ever believed you deserved any of that. But I’ll never be like him. No matter how ugly and hard things might get. He didn’t love you. He didn’t even LIKE you. You realize that, yeah?”

She nods.

“I love you. In a way I never thought I could love someone. And maybe one day, you’ll believe me. I don’t care how long it takes, but I really hope it happens.”

“It’s not that I don’t believe you. I KNOW you love me. I just don’t understand how you still can. After what I did.”

“Why do you love me? Look at the shit I’ve done. I’ve hurt people. I’ve KILLED people. Look what what I did to my ex. To my boy. Look at how much I hurt them. How can you love me knowing all that?”

“Because I know you’re a good man. With a huge heart. And I know how much damage it’s done to you; the choices that you’ve made. You have your regrets and your own guilt and…”

He stares at her pointedly.

“Oh…” A smile creeps across her face as the realization sets in. “Just like I have mine.”

“You love me. Even all the messy, fucked up pieces. Despite all the shit I’ve done, you still think I’m a decent person. Capable of doing good things. You don’t see me like some monster that’s beyond forgiveness. That’s got blood all over his hands.”

“Because you’re not that person. You’ve done those things, but they don’t define you.”

“And your mistakes and your issues and whatever you’ve got going on? They don’t define YOU. I don’t see you the way you see yourself. I could NEVER see you like that. And yeah, I’m hurt and I’m angry. I’ve got some bitterness. But the good things I feel? Towards you? They’re way stronger than any of that.”

She finally moves closer; standing between his legs and placing her hands on his hips and her forehead against his chest. “I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to hold onto all of this…stuff.”

Dropping a kiss on the top of her head, he repeatedly runs his hands over her arms and back. “We’ve got some shit to deal with. But we can do that as a team. Help each other. Stronger together than we are apart, remember?”

She smiles up at him. “I remember.”

Smoothing wayward strands of hair away from the side of her face, he places a kiss on the tip of her nose. “Neither of us is alone in this. Not anymore. We just gotta remember that. That we don’t have to go through it by ourselves.”

“It’s going to take some time. To get used to NOT doing it all alone.”

“We got used to it five years ago. We’ll get used to it again. And if you really do want to get married sooner and it’s for the right reasons? I’m good with it.”

Her hands slide up the bottom of his shirt; index fingers hooking in his belt loops, as she leans her body against his. “I want to marry you because I love you. I always have. I never stopped, you know. I never stopped wanting you or missing or wishing that things could have been married. I want to be your wife; I want us to raise Millie and have more babies and grow old and gray and spoil grandkids together. Are those the right reasons?”

“Those definitely are.”

“We lost five years, Tyler. And there’s no way of getting them back. I don’t want to wait. It’s not like I need or really even want anything big or fancy. That’s just who I am. I’m perfectly fine with just heading to the nearest courthouse and doing it in front of Millie and a couple of witnesses.”

“I don’t want you to regret it. Doing things that way.”

“I just want to marry you. I don’t care how that happens. Or where. But you have to want that, too. I don’t want you just going along with it just to make me happy.”

“If there were a way of making it happen, I’d marry you right now. If it was better timing and under better circumstances…”

“Maybe once we get to Australia? And spend a couple of days getting settled? Maybe then?”

“As soon as we get home, we can talk about it. Make plans. Sound good?”

“I like hearing you call it that. Home. Like I’m somehow already part of it.”

“You’ve always been part of it. We bought the place together. Had tons of plans for it. Things just didn’t happen when we thought they would. Doesn’t mean they won’t now.”

“You know, for such a huge man and such a badass, you really are a big sap.”

“That is a mean, horrible thing to say to your future husband.”

“There’s nothing wrong with being a sap.”

“There’s something very wrong with it. I’m not supposed to be a sap. Haven’t you heard? I’m a bit of a legend now.”

“Oh, really? Is that a legend in your own mind or…?”

Initially frowning, he causes her to squeal when he aggressively slaps a palm against her ass, enjoying the sound of her giggle when he pinches both cheeks through the fabric of her pyjama pants. And when both hands settle at the small of her back, she once more leans against him, both arms circling his waist.

“It’s going to be okay,” he assures her. “Everything’s going to work itself out. As long as we put the work in. And as long as we stick together.”

“Lord knows we’ve been through worse.”

“That’s the understatement of the century. All I know is that I’m all in. No matter how rough it gets. You can’t get rid of me that easy.”

“Who says I want to? I hate to break it to you, but you’re stuck with me. For a really long time.”

“Yeah?” With a hand on the small of her back, he uses gentle fingertips to push hair away from the sides of her face and out of her eyes. “Well, I can think of worse ways to spend the second half of my life.” Placing a palm on the nape of her neck, he pulls her into him, fingers kneading at the tense muscles as she rests her head against him. “It really IS going to be alright.”

“I’m scared,” she admits. “About tomorrow.”

“I’d be worried if you weren’t. I’m a little…unnerved…myself.”

“Okay, now that doesn’t fill me with the utmost confidence,” she teases. “When the mercenary is having second thoughts, that’s not a good sign.”

“No second thoughts. I’m not questioning whether or not I should have ever come here. I would have taken the job whether it was you involved or not. Just…”

“It’s just personal. Very personal.”

Tyler nods. “I’m having a hard time.; separating those two sides of me. The merc side and the one that’s just a normal guy, worried about his family.”

“Maybe it was better if I didn’t call you. If I’d just gone with someone else…”

“Don’t say that. Don’t EVER say that. You did the right thing. As much as a kick in the balls it was to see my secret kid walk into the room…”

“I don’t want to fight. If we start talking about it, we’re going to fight and I don’t…”

“All I’m saying is that despite everything dropped on me, you did the right thing. By having Nik reach out. If you hadn’t have and I found out about all this later, THEN I would have completely lost my shit. If you’d hired someone else…”

“You were the only person on the list. Nik tried; to convince me to go with someone else.”

“Of course she did. ‘Cause hiring me meant I’d found out about the bullshit she’s pulling for the last five years.”

“She only did what I asked. And she fought me about it. All the time. Please don’t hate her, okay? I’m the one who brought her into all of this. I’m the one who asked for her help five years ago. I’m the one who put her right in the middle of this. And you know what? She’d do the same for you. If you needed that kind of help. You know she would.”

“It’s hard. Accepting it. That she lied all that time. She knew how bad off I was off and she could have ended it. All she had to tell me was that you were okay. And that it wasn’t my fault. That’s all she had to do.”

“If you’re going to hate anyone, it should be me.”

“Don’t start that again.”

“ I’m the one dragged her into it. Who dragged ALL of these people into it. I’m the one that fucked up, Tyler. So please don’t take this out on Nik or Yaz or anyone else. Because they were just trying to help. And if I’d never put them into the middle of all this…”

“You didn’t have much of a choice. You had a hell of a scare put into you. Like I said, I understand that part. And I swear if you apologize to me one more time for ‘dragging me’ into things…”

“It’s just such a mess. Alessio’s family? They are horrible, evil people. They aren’t going to just stop, you know. If we get out of the city, they will do whatever they can to find us. And they will. Eventually.”

“And then I deal with it. They catch up to us, I handle it.”

“You’re one man. You’re not invincible. And I just got you back: Millie just finally got her dad in her life. So if anything happens to you…”

“Nothing is going to happen to me. That’s something you don’t need to worry about.”

“You should know better than to tell ME…of all people…not to worry.”

“Then just trust me. I know what I’m doing. I’m not a rookie. If I say I can handle things and I have them under control, just take my word for it. Can you do that?”

“Depends. Can I still worry at the same time?”

“If you can manage both, I don’t see why not. I know how good you are at multitasking. I lived with you for a year.”

“And that was the best year of your life, buddy. Don’t deny it.”

“What’s there to deny? It’s the truth. It was a little…rough…at first. Getting used to you and your shit, but…”

“Me and my shit?” Esme laughs. “Who was the one who managed to get himself shot in the neck and nearly die and end up in hospital in Dubai? Do we really need to name names?”

“Technically, I was shot SIX times, but…”

“It was a little rough. Getting used to living with someone. Learning about their little quirks and what makes them tick and drives you absolutely insane about them. But I liked it. Being with you like that. We definitely had more good times than bad.”

“We were on a pretty good roll, weren’t we? When it came to things going good?”

“We were. And I’m sorry. That I screwed it up so badly. That was the last thing I wanted.”

“None of that matters now. Not when it comes to where we go from here. Might be a little hard getting used to you all over again…”

“You poor baby. My heart bleeds for you.”

“But…” Both hands find her ass, squeezing firmly as he pulls her tightly against him. “...I think I’ll manage.”

“I’m willing to put in the hard work if you are. We’ll just dig in our heels and take it one day at a time. Just ignore the rest of the world and concentrate on each other and Millie and what’s going on under our roof. Sound like a deal?”

Nodding, he covers her mouth with his in a long, soft kiss. “It’s a deal.”

******

They relax on the couch. Enjoying the last moments of silence before Millie and Abuela wake and Nik and the rest of the team begin arriving; anxious to arrange the final pieces of the puzzle. Tyler sits sideways, leaning back against the arm of the couch with one leg stretched out and the other dangling hanging over the edge. Esme content between his splayed thighs; resting back against him as she sips a tea and he keeps a lovingly yet protective hold on her. A forearm lying across her collarbone, and his free hand lightly placed on her stomach.

“She’ll be up soon,” Esme eyes the bedroom door over the rim of her mug. “And the havoc shall begin.”

“I mean, she’s been amazing with me. But I also haven’t been around her twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, for nearly five years, so…”

“Oh, just you wait. You haven’t had the full Millie experience yet. She’s been on her best behaviour; she adores you and she’s trying her best to butter you up and just reel you in. I think she’s worried you might be temporary; that you’ll leave as soon as the bad guys are dealt with. That scares her. She’s already really attached to you. She doesn’t want to lose you.”

“I guess I’ll have to prove to her that that’s not going to happen. Same way I’ll have to prove it to her mumma. Tell both of you as many times as I have to; that I’m not going anywhere and you’re both stuck with me.”

“What a horrible, miserable life to lead.” She teases, then tips her head back and smiles up at him.

“I have to admit, she CAN be a handful. I don’t where she finds the energy. I’m used to going days without sleep sometimes, but THAT girl? She can wear me out.”

“You know she gets that from you, right? The whole ‘not being able to sit still for longer than five minutes’ thing? And as far as being a handful, that’s definitely YOUR DNA.”

“You gotta be kidding me. She gets all the bad stuff from her mother.”

Giving a derisive snort, she playfully elbows him in the stomach. “You wish! She is all you! That is all Rake DNA inside of her. My genes didn’t stand a chance! Did I mention she can be extremely grumpy? Especially first thing in the morning? And that she’s insanely stubborn?”

“And you’re not stubborn? You’re the most stubborn person I’ve ever met.”

“Other than yourself, you mean. You are way worse than I am!”

“I don’t even come close. You are by far a million light years ahead of me. In the stubbornness department.”

“Whatever,” she grumbles, and then giggles when he lightly pinches her side and presses a kiss to her temple. And for several minutes, they sit in companionable silence; his eyes closed and his nose pressed against the side of her head as her nails repeatedly brushing along his forearm.

“What’cha thinking about?” Esme inquires, momentarily leaving his embrace in order to lean sideways and place her empty mug on the coffee table.

“You really want to know?”

“I wouldn’t have asked.”

“Christmas.”

She tilts her head back to look up at him, an eyebrow arched quizzically. “What?”

“I was thinking about Christmas. There were a couple of other things in there too, but it was mostly that. How we’re going to have to get a tree and decorations and stuff for outside and presents and…”

“Babe, it’s more than a month away. We haven’t even got to Thanksgiving yet.”

“Yeah, but that’s an easy holiday. Just eat a lot of food and pass out on the couch while watching footie. Now Christmas…”

“When did you get so interested in celebrating Christmas? You thought I was crazy for wanting go all out; when we lived in the little shack in The Kimberley.”

“Look where we lived. Who would want to celebrate Christmas in that place? And you got your holiday in the end; we got you a tree, I put lights up outside, you did up the inside…”

“And you bitched and moaned the entire time. But I do appreciate it; you putting in the effort to make ME happy.”

“I had my reasons. For not caring about Christmas. We talked about them. Extensively.”

“And what about now? Those reasons still exist.” ‘ “Yet, but much more important ones exist, too. I’ve got a family. I’ve got a soon-to-be wife and a little girl. And it’s her first Christmas. With me. With her dad. I just want it to be perfect. For her.”

Smiling, she presses a kiss to the side of his wrist. “You are so cute.”

Tyler scowls and then nips at her earlobe. “Shut up.”

“There is nothing with being called cute. Or sappy. Or adorable. You are all those things. But you’re also insanely hot and sexy and a total bad ass that can kill a man a hundred different ways with his bare hands.”

“It’s more like a hundred and fifty, but…”

“You are so many things rolled up into one. A total walking contradiction. People see how big you are and all the scars and the tattoos and that resting asshole you have going on ninety percent of the time and…”

“My WHAT?”

“Your resting asshole face. You don’t realize you’re doing it, but you have this very distinct ‘I’m going to rip your head off and shove it up your ass’ thing going on. And it happens to be extremely attractive and compelling, yet very terrifying and intimidating all at the same time.”

“You make absolutely zero sense.”

“People are scared of you. As soon as they look at you.”

“Millie wasn’t.”

“Millie isn’t scared of ANYONE.”

“You weren’t afraid of me. Were you?”

“I didn’t find anything to be afraid of. You had a nice smile. It’s soft. Gentle, even.”

“I never smiled at you.”

“You most certainly did. Maybe not that big, ‘crinkle the corner of eyes’ smile that you sometimes bust out, but it WAS a smile. When I was out on the porch with Lucy and I looked inside; you were watching me and when you realized I’d caught you, you gave this sweet, little smile.”

“You were imagining things.”

“I was not! I KNOW what I saw. It was a smile.”

“I do NOT have that kind of smile.”

“You do. And I saw it many times after that. In Dhaka, in the hospital when you were recovering, when we were living together…”

“You are so full of shit.”

“You can deny it all you want, but you do have a very distinct and very…likeable…side to you. It’s just that not everyone takes the time to notice it. What’s lying underneath all those scars and tattoos and all the rough edges. They don’t look past all of those things. Either that or you don’t LET them past them.”

“How did we go from talking about Christmas to talking about some weird smile you supposedly saw?”

“I knew you were different. As soon as I saw you. You weren’t like everyone else I’d ever come across on the job. And you especially weren’t like other mercenaries. You had a softness to you. A sadness, even. And humanity. A lot of humanity.”

“And you saw all of this standing in my kitchen in the outback?”

“I’m very observant.”

“You’re on drugs is what you are.”

“I know what I saw. I know what I experienced. Especially during those five days together. And you can deny it all you want, but you ARE different. Then the rest of them. And you let me see that. For some reason.”

“So, for argument's sake, say this stuff DOES exist. Say I do have this weird little smile, and I am different than anyone else and I let you see all of it. Guess it’s because I trusted you.”

“Which is odd, considering you don’t trust anyone. Or BARELY anyone, at least. And you certainly don’t trust them right off the bat.”

“Something must have told me I could. Maybe my instincts said you were good. And I’ve been living off those for years, and they haven’t led me wrong yet. Guess I listened to them.”

Smiling, she wriggles around on the couch until she’s facing him, perching herself on her knees before wrapping her arms around his neck and pressing her body against his. “Your instincts are very wise. And they have very good taste.”

“I swear to God if this is where you call me ‘cute’ for a second time in only half an hour…”

“Actually…” fingernails lightly and loving scrape at the nape of his neck). “...this is where I tell you ‘I love you’ and say ‘thank you for being you’.”

“And now who’s being a sap?”

“Spare me your mouthy bullshit and just kiss me, okay?”

“I’ll get mouthy with you. In all the ways you like best.”

“You’re a pig. Remind me why I put up with you? Why I tolerate your bullshit?”

“Because of the things I can do with my mouth. And my dick.”

“Well, at least you know your strengths and your main selling features,” she teases, yelping when he pinches the sensitive area just below her ribs. And when one of his hands clamps down on her ass and pulls her even tighter against him, her initial laugh quickly transforms into a long, drawn-out sigh; his mouth covering hers laughs in a long, deep kiss that causes her toes to curl and her entire body to shudder.

*****

Her eyes remain closed when he pulls away; smiling when she feels him peck the tip of her nose and then dropping her head into the warm, safe place between neck and shoulder. Content and relaxed in the familiarity of him; the smell that lingers on both skin and clothes, the wall of solid muscle that she lies upon, the warmth that radiates from his body. And the way his hand sneaks up the back of her shirt and his fingers find the small of her back; able to feel the callouses as he repeatedly strokes smooth, pale skin.

“What else were you thinking about? You said ‘stuff’. That’s plural.”

“I don’t know if you want to hear about those things.”

“They have to do with tomorrow, don’t they.”

Nodding, Tyler presses a kiss to her brow. “Yeah…”

“I guess it’s better to talk about it now; we certainly won’t have time once we get out on the street. Is it something to do with the plan? How you’re going to get me out of here?”

“No. I’m confident about that; I’m not second-guessing it at all. I know I can get you out of here. Safely. And to the airport. That’s not what’s eating at me.”

Rolling onto her stomach, she places her forearm across his chest and then rests her chin upon it. “What IS eating at you?”

“Do you think we made the right choice? When it comes to Millie? And sending her with Alcott?”

“You agreed that it was way too dangerous; extracting and transporting Millie and me together. You didn’t even feel comfortable doing it. And when someone with your experience and your skill set admits to not feeling good about something…”

“This isn’t the mercenary side of me talking. This is the regular guy side. The DAD side.”

“And what’s it saying?”

“That it needs to know we did the right thing. That we made the right choice. It’s not like I don’t like the guy; he’s damn good at his job, and we’ve had a pretty decent working relationship. There haven’t been any issues. But this is my kid we’re talking about. My little girl. That I didn’t even know existed until four days ago. And I need to know that we made the right choice. By picking him to look after her.”

“I wouldn’t have talked you into it if I didn’t think he was the best person for the job. I trust him, Tyler. With not just my own life, but Millie’s. And believe me, I don’t trust many people when it comes to her. I don’t hand her over to just anyone. I know how much he loves her, and I also know that he’ll stop at nothing to keep her safe.”

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Just blindly trust someone like this. Especially with something so important. I just found out about her. I just became a dad again. And when I think about something happening to her…”

“She’ll be in great hands. Other than Nik and Yaz and maybe John, Alcott is the only one that I would one hundred percent trust with her. And seeing as the other three people will be busy doing their own thing and it’s a horrible idea to bring her with us…”

“I’ve already lost one kid. I don’t want to lose another one. Especially one I just found out about. I haven’t gotten a chance yet; to really get to know her. She doesn’t even know I’m her dad. What if…?”

“No. No. No,” she scolds, and places a palm over his mouth. “We are NOT playing that game. That is not a road we are going down. That leads to nowhere good. She’s going to be fine. She’s surrounded by people who love her and would do anything to protect her. These people are her family. They’re…”

His eyes darken; fingers curling around her wrist. Displaying more aggression than necessary as he pulls her hand away from his face. “I’M her family.”

“I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that they’ve known her all her life. Since she was just a little thing, still in my belly. I…”

“At least they got the opportunity. I wasn’t given a choice; whether I wanted to be there or not.”

“And I’ve apologized for that. Many, many, MANY times. And I don’t care if I have to apologize times more. You said it yourself; no one hates me for more than I hate myself.”

“I don’t want you hating yourself. And I don’t want you to keep apologizing. I don’t want either of those things.”

“Then tell me what I can do. Tell me what you want me to say. What you need me to do. Because whatever it is…”

“I want Millie to know. About me. That I’m her dad.”

“And we talked about that. We came to an agreement. That once we were in Australia and things settled and we got her into a routine, we’d sit down with her and…”

“No. That’s not soon enough. I want her to know NOW.”

“Tyler, with everything else that’s going on and everything she’s already been through…”

“Why are you underestimating her? Why aren’t you giving her the benefit of the doubt? When it comes to what she can and can’t handle. You said it yourself; how resilient she is.”

“Doesn’t mean I need to dump more things on her. I know she’s strong and tenacious but…”

“Is that how you see it? That you’re ‘dumping’ me on her?”

“No! Of course not! You’re taking everything I say totally out of context. It’s just big news, you know? It’s life-changing; finding how your dad’s been right under your nose for almost a week. She’s been asking about you…about her dad…for almost two years now. At least twice a week. But considering what she’s been through in the last five days…”

“None of that is my fault. What happened between you and Alessio. You took that job; knowing that Millie would be in direct contact with those people. You knew exactly who they were and what they were capable of, and YOU brought her into that. People talk about how I’d be the bad influence; a mercenary having a kid and putting a target on her back. Yet it wasn’t me; getting her mixed up in this bullshit.”

Esme sighs heavily. “I deserve that. And it’s not like I haven’t accepted the blame. You’re right; I took the job and I put her in harm’s way. But…”

“I came here because I needed to fix someone else’s mess. And I stayed because it WAS you. I could have easily said ‘fuck you’ and left. And a lot of guys probably would have. But I stuck around. Because I didn’t want anything happening to you. Or her. I agreed to put my own ass on the line so the two of you could live to see another day. So I think the least you could is hear me out. When it comes to why I want this.”

“ You’re right; it IS the least I can do. I don’t mean to lessen what you’re going through or how you’re feeling. It’s not intentional. I’m sorry, Tyler. I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve never wanted to.”

“You see how Millie loves me, yeah? I mean, she tells everyone she comes across. That she does. And she goes on and on about the things we do together; about going for pancakes and letting her watch that goddamn, fucking Bluey on my phone and how I didn’t let the bad guys hurt. She even talks about how we have the same favourite ice cream. And how good I am at tucking her in. She calls it a ‘Millie burrito’.”

“She adores you. She loves being with you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to her.”

“I hate that she tells people I’m just her mother’s boyfriend. And says I’m just here to keep you and her safe and kick some’ asses. And I especially hate it when she calls me by my first name.”

“I know it does. I know it hurts. I can see it in your eyes; every time she calls you Tyler.”

“I have to hold back. With my own kid. I can’t treat her the way I want to. I can’t LOVE her the way I want to. And that’s not fair, Esme. Not when I had to miss four years of her life. Through no fault of my own. It’s not fucking fair, and you know it.”

“You’re right. It isn’t. It isn’t fair. At all.”

“Everything you know about me. Everything you know I went through. Especially when it comes to losing my son and the horrible fucking choice I made. You knew what that did to me. What it STILL does me. And not only did you keep Millie a secret from me, now you’re keeping me a secret from HER.”

“I’m not…”

“We talked about it. About having a family. About how much you wanted to be a mum. And I was more than honest with you about how scared I was. You knew it fucking terrified me; the thought of being a dad again and fucking it all up a second time. But I was willing to do it. I WANTED to do it. With you. And now I get that second chance and I can’t do anything with it. I have a kid I can’t even claim.”

“Why didn’t you say all that right at the beginning? When we first talked about it? Why didn’t you just come right about how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking? We could have come to a different decision. A compromise. Had I known all this…”

“This is no compromise. Not when it comes to her. Not when it comes to MY kid. We have to tell her. It’s as simple as that.”

“For her benefit or yours? Because if you’re thinking solely of yourself, I’m sorry. I can’t agree. I love you. More than I ever thought I could love someone. But Millie comes first. She HAS to. She’s four years old, Tyler. She’s a baby still. And yeah, she’s strong and she’s resilient, but she’s still a little girl. A VERY little girl. And if you just want this because of how you’re feeling…”

“This isn’t just about me. When do I ever think of just myself? Be honest. When have I EVER been like that?”

“Never. You’re probably the most selfless person I’ve ever known. Selfless to a fault, even.”

“I know she’s been through a lot this past week. I’m not denying it. And it’s a hell of a thing she went through this morning. But do you see how she handled that? How quickly she bounced back? By the time she went to bed last night, it was almost like nothing ever happened. She was back to herself. She was bouncing around and telling jokes and fighting me on going to sleep. I mean, I had to read five stories for fuck sake. Before she’d even close her eyes.”

She manages a smile. “I told you she’s stubborn. She’s her father’s daughter.”

“But she’s also YOUR daughter. And all that strength? That bravery? That comes from her mother. You’re not giving her enough credit, Esme. I know she’s only four. But she’s resilient, and she’s smart, and she can handle way more than you think she can.”

“I just don’t want it being too much, you know? Emotionally. I don’t want it to be more than she can handle after everything else. And if I’m being totally honest? Selfishly speaking? It kind of scares of me. How she’s going to react.”

“You’re worried she’s going to be angry. At you.”

She struggles to hold back her tears. “I’m worried she’s going to hate me. For not telling her sooner. For not taking her to meet you before all of this.”

“Hey…” Tyler cradles her face in his palms. “...she’d never hate you. You’re her mum. Look how much she loves you. How much you love HER. You’ve always given her that; she’s always known how much you love her and how you would do anything for her. She’s happy, and she’s healthy, and she’s so fucking smart. She loves the world and everyone and everything in that. That’s because of YOU. How you’ve brought her up. How could she EVER hate you?”

“I lied to her. About you. She’s going to wonder why. She’s going to ask questions. A lot of them. I know her.”

“She’s got questions, and we’ve got answers. We don’t need to hide anything. There’s nothing for either of us to be ashamed of. There’s no deep, dark, dirty secret. The truth isn’t THAT ugly, Me. It isn’t. And I am one hundred percent sure she’ll understand; why you did what you did. And if she hears it from BOTH of us…”

“This is just such a mess. Had I not waited this long to tell her….”

“A little late now, don’t you think? It’s done. I’m here. And we are in one hell of a fucking mess.”

“I’m assuming you mean the job and not THIS.”

He nods.

“So what do we do? What’s the plan? When do you WANT to tell her?”

“As much as I want to tell her as soon as she gets up, I think we need to hold off. Until we get home. And then we do it ASAP. We don’t hold off. No waiting for things to settle or a routine to be put in place. We just do it. Everything else can come later.”

“And we’ll do it together?”

“Took us both to make the baby, yeah?”

“Well, I DID to all the hard work,” she chides. “You merely got your ten minutes of fun.”

“Excuse you? Ten minutes? I’ve been going more than ten minutes since I was sixteen years old. WAY more.”

“What do you want? A cookie? A cake? One that says ‘congratulations, you came inside of me’?”

He smirks. “You really ARE a smart ass.”

“You love my ass.”

“I do. Sometimes a little too much.”

She rests her forehead against his. “I am so sorry, Tyler.”

“For what? Having a great ass? For making me a simp for it?”

“I can’t believe you even know that word.”

“Your slang does eventually get to Australia, you know.”

“I meant I’m sorry for all of this. I’m sorry for leaving, and I’m sorry for not telling you about Millie. I’m sorry for not getting a hold of you a lot sooner; for not having the courage to just bring her to you. You deserved to know. That you were a dad again. You deserved to be there. Through everything. Especially when she was born. And I’m sorry I took all of that from you.”

“I don’t need to keep hearing ‘I’m sorry.’ I KNOW you are. I don’t doubt it for a second. What I need is for you just to let me go off. When I NEED to. You’re my person, Esme. You always have been. And don’t want that changing. So what I need is for you to just let me get all this shit out. And not take it personally when I do.”

“I can do that. It’s kind of hard, though; NOT taking it personally. I’m the one who did all this. Made such a mess of things.”

“And everything’s going to work out. We have been through a hell of a lot worse. If we can get through that THAT? I don’t think there’s much we can’t get past.”

“We need to get through tomorrow first. Before we can even start concentrating on what’s next. And if something goes wrong…”

“You just let me worry about all that, okay? That’s part of my job. Goes along with this whole bodyguard thing.”

“I have to say…” She once more leans her body against his, chin resting on his chest. “...you guard the body VERY well.”

“Is that what the kids call it these days? ‘Guarding the body’? I really need to brush up on my slang.”

“Millie will teach you. She’s four going on fourteen some days. She’ll have you saying ‘sus’ in no time.”

“What the hell does that mean? ‘Sus’?”

“Short for suspicious, I guess. I don’t know. And I don’t ask. She’s four; she doesn’t understand half of what she learns and repeats. Which is why you’re going to have to watch your mouth around her. Or she’s going to have the vocabulary of a drunken sailor by the time she starts school.”

“No one thinks anything of it in Australia. Kids throwing the word ‘fuck’ around.”

“I just rather she not be one of them. Just in case the Wicked Witch of the Mid-West ever does meet her.”

“You don’t want her telling her grandmother to go fuck herself?”

“What I want and what is acceptable are two entirely different things.”

“Just for you, I’ll be on my best behaviour.”

“For you, being on your best behaviour means not getting shot half a dozen times.”

“Well, lucky for you, that’s going to be all behind us. Once this is over, that’s it. I walk away. For good.”

“And you’ll be happy with that? Retiring? From this life anyway?”

“I will. I’ll have everything I need at home. Why risk losing that?”

Smiling, she pecks the tip of his chin. “That’s a very good answer.”

Using gentle fingertips to push strands of hair behind her ears, he cradles her face in his palms; eyes never leaving hers as the pads of his thumbs graze along the tops of her cheeks. “Everything’s gonna be okay. You just have to trust me.”

“I do,” she assures him, and once more lays her head upon his chest; releasing a sigh as she tucks her head under his chin. “With my life.”