#venting to myself

[nakedtherapy]

“Admit you’re afraid, and we’ll work on it” I say to myself.

[flavorlessbeans]

Venting about my birthday

I just realized its not to long until my birthday. I guess I'm not that excited? Idk, birthdays have been really disappointing the last few years so I suppose I just sort of don't care anymore. It's just boring i guess, last year they gave me pocky and a frog plush/puppet that sings the ABC's and nobody even watched me open it. I didn't mind and I'm grateful but I just can't help but be disappointed, my little sister and my older sister had me make their cakes and they went places and got at least average or more expensive gifts- I just got some stuff from Wal-Mart. Even my friend group started celebrating my older sisters birthday like a month before it started and mines less then two weeks away and nobody even mentioned it. Am I just not as important? Sorry

[ibelieveinfairytales606]

Ya know… tumblr sure is testing my patience with all of the new advertising I’m seeing. Beautiful Bots on the daily I can somewhat tolerate, but being forced out of the app onto another cite is filling me with so much rage.

[golden-eyeddemon]

Sooooo...

I'm planning to move into a van and give vanlife a go.

Rent is too expensive for the damp, mouldy, pest-infested flat that I am currently renting, and the landlords do not give a shit about the tenants here. The general of cost of living here in the UK is too much and it gets worse every day, with warm spaces having to be created and food banks running on empty because we cannot afford to live.

I was absolutely against vanlife at first due to personal stuff, but now I'm all for it and the things I was worried about before aren't as scary to me now.

Yes, I know vanlife is absolutely not the beaches, gloriously sunny, pi, no problems crap that Instagrammers and most YouTubers sell. It's hard work, it's cramped, hard to find work sometimes, can be lonely, and repairs can be expensive, but it's nowhere near as expensive as renting a flat or living in a house and paying money to people who don't give a shit about the people at the bottom.

This is a new chapter in my life and I'm going to enjoy it and exist instead of being trapped and barely getting by.

[agentorange50]

Fuck you!!!

My mind is so damn wild, I fucking hate it. It loves to play tricks on me, I fall asleep and see the craziest shit, I even saw me taking my own life last night, was amazing. Then I get to see all of the beautiful things in my life that I had at one point, then watch it all get stripped away again. My depression and anxiety are way too big for this shit, just kill me now. I would try to kill myself again but every time I try somehow I get stopped, fuck life. This shit is getting old,I need to get away.

I really can’t wait to take my trip to England, maybe that will clear my fucking mind and get this shit out of there, all I want now is death.

[mokalite]

Fuck. Here. We go. AGAIN...

I can think of you.

I may not be able to cope with it and I understand that.

But, thinking about you still hurts me a lot.

My chest hurts so much but now I feel like I can’t cry anymore. Maybe it’s becuase I already have too many times.

Or maybe it’s just that I got so use to this pain that I can’t cry anymore while I think about you.

[gardenndoll]

😥

my dad is what caused my internal fear of me pushing everyone away or being abandoned. I’m sorry that I ask for validation so much or start being scared something is wrong. I’m honestly just so petrified to lose the only good man in my life the only good constant I’ve had. I’ve never cared so deeply about anyone like I do you. I would do anything for you. And I know me needing to be validated drives u away Cus u feel like I should already know from when you tell me before. Or feel like I don’t listen or believe you when you say it. I promise I do and I work on it it’s just hard Cus my brain is wired in defense scared mode. It’s exhausting for me and I hate myself for it because even though I’m being unreasonable in thinking I can’t keep it from engulfing my mind. God I wish I could just have a normal mind

[nihilism-or-go-home]

I used to steal food from my local CVS poor, I used to snatch food from cabinets, and when I leave a friends house take any food I can poor. 

And I am writing it down because I just don’t think it’s understood that my mental health and my poverty are important to anyone. 

Because I can’t starve anymore, I’m to resolved, and I can’t die from hunger because I am resourceful.  But you might not give a shit because I seem fine but I battle hunger everyday, I couldn’t afford to eat if I didn’t work in a kitchen. And this shit is good now. I used to sit in highschool with no money for food because my mom was to lazy to sign up for the free food program. I didn’t get breakfast because sometimes all we had in the fridge was a handle of vodka, and old sauces. I used to work for money to eat and I used to go to friends house because that’s where I’d get my only meal of the day. I lived life under 1000 calories a day. 

When I was 16 I had an internship at a music store and every monday night I would work with them at an open mic till midnight or one in the morning because they would buy me a fucking burger poor. But until that time I’d cry in the bathroom because when I didn’t have food I felt like a freak. 

My mom never bought me clothes, I worked for everything I wore, down to the shoelaces. My mom stole a tv, and a lamp, and my bedframe. And I took her boots too, and for a while that’s all I knew. I wouldn’t get a haircut unless my grandmother was in town, and you best believe I knew how to get my friends hand-me-downs. I don’t think I paid for a pair of jeans in highschool because a friend of mine got fat and his mother gave them to me. While my friends were getting cars, my mom was telling me to get out. While my friends were going to college, my ass was behind the counter where they got their coffee. 

It’s hard to not be bitter, and it’s hard to not sound shitty. But the way I dress, the things I have now, my bike, my house, my bed and it’s covers, my education and even me. Every detail was done with my bare hands. 

And you know what? I see dead people in my nightmares,and I never get happy anymore,and my mood shifts like mountains over cliffs and I can’t afford the prescriptions to fix it. And I still have all this shit, and my mom was never there, and my grandparents are gone, and I have built this all alone. So I’m sorry for you situation, and if you know me, you know I will never shame you, or try and top you. I don’t believe in better or worse. And I'm not either.

And this is an open letter…

But until you step in my shoes and realize you can’t move because your standing knee deep in shit… don’t tell me I can’t handle it.  

[marioatwlink]

we’ll.... thats depressing...

One thing gets taken care of, more things pop up, reminders of past mistakes, nothing I can do, I should of ate something like 4 hours ago..... yeah I’m having an off night it seems.

I’m finding it harder and harder to hold on.... I'm trying to remain positive but crap just keeps piling on top of me and its hard to breath sometime. I’m still holding out for the light at the end of the tunnel... but right now all I see is darkness around me. I’m at the point where I'm not fully sure I can make it out... or will I just be consumed by the darkness once again and be thrown back to a state of pure depression and anxiety..

I just have to keep trying I suppose... but I'm feeling very lost and confused right now....

[agentorange50]

Whatever.

Damn, sometimes I wonder why the hell im still here. I really get depressed too much, I’m useless, I’m worthless, I’ll never be good enough. I still think I should just end it all and relax in the eternal void where all the pain and worries will go away. Not like I have a reason to stay here.

[mokalite]

It hurts living with it, but it hurts me so much more trying to forget it.

[messyspace]

I’m trying to gain the courage to paint this shell wax burner thing but I’m afraid I’m going to ruin it >_< what if I fuck it up and make it ugly and I hate it then I’ll hate myself and it will be a huge thing argh

[soulbloomatrix]

I’m aching to rip out the chords that are still in my circuitry from the hauntings that plagued my psyche- The fears no longer feel present and I know their place in my life have no purpose anymore- But the obsessive worry and comparison have made a home in me, and I keep finding myself firing off the thought pathways that keep those wires connected to me. You, her, me, us. It’s just you and me now. Solid, and whole-managing to put back our broken pieces- when will my brain catch up to the amazing reality that surrounds me? I cannot wait until the day I can wake up and be free from thoughts of her. Please come soon.

Emotional leftovers that need to be thrown in the trash

[asgardianequestrian]

Yesterday we finished our jump lesson in the clinic with an outside instructor with just walking over a pole because I could not get anything else out of Earnie - as soon as she saw a pole she would bolt, taking out jumps and she was just getting worse as the lesson went on. We couldn't even trot over the poles. I literally left the lesson in tears (im no good with my emotions anyway plus im not in a good frame of mind anyway atm due to lack of sleep and exam pressure, usual shit). So on the way to the yard this morning I decided that I wasn't happy with how we left the lesson and rather than her scheduled day off I rode her. I set out 4 trotting poles, a pole with wings either side in place of a jump and a pole a stride after the 'jump' pole to act as a stopping point. This is an exercise we've done with my uni instructor when we started to work on her jumping. I warmed her up, brought her round in trot to the poles and do you want to know what the little sod did? She did it perfectly. Trotted nicely over the poles and halted, as asked, in front of the 'stop' pole.. Did it a couple of times and she even trotted over a small jump.. I couldn't believe it Why couldn't she have been like that in the clinic yesterday😐 bloody horses