#tw sui thoughts mention

[hivnegative]

writing the sui note knowing i don't have the balls to actually fucking do it.

[willyouletmeloseonlosingdogs]

you know it's bad when you don't even want to listen to music anymore

[violetgtsfree]

“omg your rooms so messy.” if you think this is messy, have fun cleaning the mess of my d34d body in 2 months !

[tapiokauwu]

what I say: hehe

what I mean: I want to kms

[the-real-loser-otaku-girl]

Call me suicidal the way i want to die 24/7

[hmsdoodlin]

Do you think Heart is willing to throw away his entire life just so Mind can feel a semblance of shame?

All Heart wants to do is live, despite it all he wants to be seen and to be loved. But when he’s angry…. What if he just wants to make the others suffer? He’ll stare at his gun and contemplate suicide not only because he wants out, but because maybe it would make Mind feel a sliver of guilt. Heart would tear himself apart with gnashing teeth and violent tears just for the possibility that Mind would feel any semblance of regret for how he treated him.

Heart wants to ruin himself just so Mind can realize he was wrong. He’ll tear down everything if it means Mind feels regret for even a single day. Sometimes he wants to suffer out of spite, even if it only hurts him in the end.

I hate you so much for what you did to me I want you to feel sorry, I want you to realize that it’s all your fault I turned out this way.

I want to know you still love me.

[ilovewhimperingaudios]

[rottenpumpkin13]

TW

Has AGSZC ever attempted suicide? What happened if so?

Zack: He's thought about it, but never seriously—except sometimes, for half a second, when his exhaustion runs so deep that even his own mind turns against him. But he shakes it off, shuts it down before the thought can finish forming. It's insane. He wants to live. Who doesn't want to live? He has to live, for himself, for others, because that's the rule. He's the one who drags people out of the dark, the one who picks up the fallen and carries them forward. What kind of hypocrite would he be if he gave in? So he buries it, laughs louder, moves faster, keeps going, keeps going, keeps going, keeps going, keeps going, because the only way to stop Zack Fair is with a bullet to his chest.

Sephiroth: He learned early on that self-harm, injury, and death were not simply "bad" but incorrect; a deviation, a malfunction that needed correction, like a SOLDIER's poor form in training. The instinct to survive was hammered into him so thoroughly that any self-flagellating thoughts were instantly silenced, "pruned away" before they could take root. He did not allow himself the luxury of despair when he was younger. Despair, as Hojo put it, was weakness. Weakness meant failure. And he could not fail. He had to be alive—if not for himself, then for his comrades. If not for his comrades, then for Shinra. If his existence had to be endured, then so be it. Until the point he decided he would not live quietly.

Genesis: Not before his degradation, and once, only once during it. The thought of dying makes him ill, like his body actively rejects the idea the same way it would bad food. He wants to see every corner of the world, breathe in every experience, carve his name into history. Even at his lowest, when the weight of his own flaws drowns him, when the degradation had begun gnawing at his body and mind, he doesn't desire death, he desires a cure. To fight. To claw his way out of despair and make something of himself. His suffering is meant to be tragic, yes, but what's a tragedy without a brilliant, defiant climax?

Cloud: His thoughts are like waves, ebbing and flowing, coming and going without pattern or reason. Some days, he feels fine. Other days, the weight is unbearable, and the idea of opting out hums at the back of his mind like an old, familiar tune. He doesn't act on it, not really. But once, when he was younger— too young to understand what death meant beyond that's what happened to his father, Tifa's mother, and the dead the village mourned every year—he swallowed a handful of pills. It wasn't enough to die, not intentionally, but just to see what would happen. He spent the night curled around his stomach, sweating and shaking, before finally throwing up everything. He remembers sitting there, dazed, body aching, feeling so fucking stupid. He didn't want to die. He just wanted the thoughts to quiet down. They never really did. But he learned to let them pass.

Angeal: Angeal is different. He doesn't think of death in terms of desire, not like Genesis or Cloud. He thinks of it in terms of justice. Of honor. And honor means that taking his own life would be wrong. "A coward's escape," he tells himself over and over again, as if the words will rewire his brain into functioning like a proper person's should. But the thought lingers anyway, curling around the edges of his mind like rot creeping through wood. It comes in quiet moments. Staring down at his hands, wondering if they've done more harm than good. Watching his own reflection and seeing the face of a man who doesn't deserve to wear his father's sword. It comes when he hears the word monster and doesn't know anymore if it's talking about him or the things he kills.

He does not attempt to die. Not in the way others might expect. But he gives pieces of himself away, bit by bit, until there's hardly anything left. The sleepless nights, the guilt-ridden silences, the way he stands on rooftops and watches the streets below—not thinking of jumping, not exactly, but wondering what it would feel like to be pushed off.

And the thing is, he doesn't stop it. He doesn't fight it, because what would be so wrong about it? If he were to die naturally, if something out of his control—an illness, an accident—were to take him, would that be so bad? It would simply be the course of fate, an act of the Planet itself. And if someone were to kill him—if he gave them reason, if he deserved it—wouldn't that be right?

And so he sets the board. Moves the pieces. Waits. Until the day comes when he can finally place his sword in someone else's hands and let them make the choice he could never bring himself to.

[meowsticmarvels]

probably talked about this before but it is still crazy to me of phi's status as patient zero for radical-6. she is the host the virus first claims. her twin brother created the virus. she knows what it will do, knows what apocalypse will happen, but can't do anything about it. she begs diana to kill her, it's an act of mercy for both herself and the world, but diana cant do it. against her wishes she has to live she's the only character to get it at two separate instances - and she has the capacity to remember both of them. the virus's main symptom is suicidal ideation. a lot of this only happened because she had the idea to use the bomb to escape - delta forcing her to have blood on her hands as a result. there's definitely some degree of guilt involved. or what of the 3 months between ztd and april? the months she spends recovering, only to become a vessel for the next 45 years? this is the phi that ends up back at the end of vlr. the phi who unintentionally caused the very thing she swore to stop

[loozerboykisser]

“i want what’s best for you, please don’t kys” bitch killing myself is what’s best for me ✋😭

[frothingatthemaw]

god hopes you burn with it.

[tapiokauwu]

I don't crave death. I crave salvation.

But I know I won't reach it in my life, so I can only put my last hope in death.

[thebraindumpsofamadman]

Whats wrong babe, you haven't googled suicide methods and success rate statistics all day

[gremlinmodetweeker]

A Walk in the Woods

So, I had some struggles in my life. I've been homeless since about July 27th, but I've been staying at a friend's home. I'm on disability, so it's hard to make ends meet.

In the depths of my despair, I wrote about König's lonesome walks in the woods.

Edit: As of August 13th, I do nearly have a home now. However, I am still posting this because it reflects an important feeling and something I think about with König. I love writing him as goofy and awkward, but I think sometimes it's important to remember the reality of being a soldier.

TW: Suicide reference, ptsd, references to gore, warfare/active combat discussion, depression, mental illness

Story below Cut

A Walk in the Woods

König goes on long walks alone sometimes.

You might be tempted to come with him, but that would defeat the purpose of the walk, so he’d just have to have you tag along and take another walk later, most likely when you’re asleep.

Long walks in the woods help König calm down. He likes the silence of the forests. Sometimes, if he’s lucky, he’ll hear an owl hooting or see a bat fluttering by. He’s thankfully not the type that mosquitoes are attracted to, so bugs tend to leave him alone if he just gives himself a light spritz with bug spray. He thinks that long ago, his body adapted to the forests. Maybe it was because it was the place he felt most himself, maybe it was because it was where he was most alone. The forests never bothered answering his questions.

On these walks, König has the time to finally think about what’s been going on in his life. When he walks, he thinks about how long he has left to serve. Will he retire when he hits the golden age, or will he retire when his body gives out? Will he even make it to retirement? He doesn’t know. He wonders what will happen to you when he retires. He also doesn't know, which is worse. It frightens him terribly that he knows there’s nothing he can do to protect you from the reality of living with a partner in the military. He’s gotten to a point where he no longer sees warfare, but he does hostage rescues in dangerous cities in more dangerous countries. How long until there’s a chink in his armour?

When he walks he thinks about how he’ll divide his will. He needs to be prepared, as much as he wishes he could live forever. His mother made it until she was in her late nineties, his father just turned one hundred when he passed. He comes from longevity, but does he truly want to live that long? He’s done so much damage to his bodies throughout his years of service. His body could only go on for so much longer, and he didn’t know how long he could last.

When König was younger, he was brave and proud of taking after his grandfather by going into the Austrian Jagdkommando. He was revered by his younger siblings, and his parents had been nothing but proud of him for his decisions. He’d been a strong recruit and quickly risen the ranks to a prestigious title.

Now, as he walks through these lonely woods, he doesn’t quite know how much value his title holds anymore. What worth is a badge and a name if you spend most of your life looking at your partner through a phone, really? Is he even worthy of being a father if he has to spend months overseas? He’s missed so much of his loved ones' lives because of this godforsaken burden he carries. No amount of money could buy back the time he’s lost with his family.

And yet, still, he works. He trains in the barracks, readies his bodies for the next onslaught of bodies and screams when he is deployed into the next battlefield. He knows that when he comes home, he’ll have new nightmares to wake up screaming from. And who will be there to comfort him but you, frantically awoken by his thrashing and screaming as he shoots and kills all over again in his mind’s eye. He lives it over and over again every night. He will until he sleeps one final time. He’s trapped on lands you’ve never seen, lands he hopes you’ll never see in your lifetime. He’s seen so much carnage, there is so much blood on his hands and these same hands are the ones that hold you, cherish you, fuck you. He’s covered you in blood. 

His walks carry him deep into the forest. There, he finds a clearing where he’ll look up to see the sky. Some days it’s blue and wide as the sargasso sea, some days it’s swathed in a darkness only split by the twinkling eyes of the gods above. Every time he looks up, he hopes that someone somewhere will see him begging on his knees for forgiveness. He tells you he doesn’t pray anymore, but he prays every time he comes to this clearing. Not for himself, no he’s long since been sent to Hell. He prays for you because he’s afraid that he’ll drag you down with him.

When he comes home, he’ll smile and hug you tightly. You always ask about it, but he never tells you where he went. He keeps telling himself he’ll bring you some day, but he knows he never will. You’ve seen him weak, but he can’t bear to have you see him like this. He wants you to see him smile and laugh and hold his children up above his head and fill the air with the sounds of joy and youth. He’s a strong and powerful aurochs of a man. You may see him stumble when he goes out to the hardware store to fix the latest leak in the sink, but he wants you to see him as a reliable pillar of support.

He prays that you will never see him out in the woods alone. He’s terrified that one day, one fateful day, you’ll go into his clearing to find him way up high among the tree branches.

Story Masterlist

[pr1soners-d1lemma]

Still remember that one time a guy got mad at me for being sexually assaulted and took it as an insult to his masculinity or whatever

[antisocial-hatred]

when someone treats me slightly wrong so now i have to make them feel bad by literally committing suicide, but also why would i kill myself for them when they're obviously worth much less than me? but still they need to regret what they did? guilt-tripping isn't enough i want them to spend their whole life eaten up by intrusive thoughts wondering if they deserve anything after depriving the world of its most interesting creature