#tw bad poetry lol

[cipher-the-sidhe]

Sight has become a lot like holding your breath to me

Yes, I can see

More or less

It’s harder in certain circumstances-

The afternoon light is like the pressure of the deep, or cold water shock response-

And not forever.

And the longer I do it

The longer I do it

The longer I

Do

It

The more it burns

Until I think it might kill me

[fluffydice]

TW Abuse

Aren feels guilt over clinging to his abuse, because he’s looked up to his Pops for so long as a role model, as someone who he should aspire to be.

But then he interacts with a toddler, or a little kid, or even people his own age. He can’t help but think about how fragile they are, how easy their skin would give way to bruises and blood, and he wonders how you could have something so precious and vulnerable, one that looks up to you with adoration and unadulterated trust, and tear it to shreds.

And he knows it was wrong, but he still tries to convince his friends otherwise. Because if they agree, that means it’s something he has to let go. He doesn’t have to look it in the eyes and ask questions that he won’t ever get an answer to.

[i-may-be-an-emu]

the birds are awake and the sun’ll soon rise

I’ve spent my rest time lying awake with tired eyes

so much to do and it’s already day

I wish I could just rewire my brain to do what I say

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

'"tryna squeeze into my True Religion denim, mmm, mmm, mmm"'

since i can't eat cheeseburgers normal-sty-le anymore,

i figured you might've given me an accidental

invisible

(helping) hand in pocket, hand in glove....

all that: your absolute shine, your absolution,

a pavlovian sugar pill to cure my ill.

or is too much lack thereof even for a quarter, baby?

good g-d alive, you're a jumping, stumb-l-ing case of light....

blood, cum, blue jeans:

all-american boyhood, g-dhood.

when pushing, undoing buttons reveals me food,

it makes sense i'd put two and two together, babe.

basically, the thing about 'nuts' is right, g-d damn it!

sleep in jeans enough and it does start to feel pretty good.

- ellie revenge

[its-coming-up-lavender]

Grief is so hard and so heavy. When we first meet, it feels like all our arms will ever hold for the rest of forever. And it is, in a sense. Once we pick it up, we never really set it down, not fully. And I don’t think that it gets lighter. I think that we somehow get stronger. And there are lots of metaphors for grief. That's just one of them. Another one I like to use is that it feels like you're in the grave with them, like Lazarus, like yourself, waiting for someone to raise you from the dead, to raise you both. And I’ve learned a lot about crawling out of the grave, more than I would’ve ever wanted to, like how emptiness is actually quite heavy or how to pretend like you feel half alive. But I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that some days, we inexplicably end up back in it. And it sucks because we just spent months clawing our way through the bugs and the earth. Because our soldier hands have finally reached the surface. Because the sun is finally caressing our hell-fresh faces. Because for the first time in months, we feel like we can finally breathe. And then suddenly, we’re right back in the terrible thick of it. Those days make it feel like I’m Sisyphus, and grave dirt is my rock. Like I’m Prometheus, and the darkness is my eagle. But then it's Monday. Which is to say that J died on a Sunday. And that day is now a memory that’s fuzzy around the edges, single snapshots I know are connected, but I couldn’t tell you how. I remember my mother standing in the bedroom, not knowing what to say and family and phone calls and making my bed because I didn’t know what to do with my hands. I remember joking, trying to joke, trying to do whatever I could to make sense of that impossible day. I remember checking my phone and reading and rereading the messages, a mixed bag of congratulations on surviving another year and condolences that my best friend didn't. I remember not knowing how to respond to any of them, so I didn't. I remember being surrounded by so many people doing nothing. But extending love and kindness to me and never feeling more alone. The world was ending, and I was alone. I thought the day would go on forever, but it didn't. It ended, as all things do. Sunday was over, and my first day without him was done, and suddenly, it was Monday. And everything was different but also exactly the same. It was Monday, and my best friend was dead. I was so heavy when I woke up that first Monday. So heavy and confused. I thought the world had ended. It surely felt like it had. But it hadn’t. Because the world couldn't have ended on a Sunday. Not if it was Monday. It was Monday, and my best friend was dead. But the world wasn't ending. Sunday should have been our demise, but it wasn't. Because just as sure as we have Sundays, we will always have Mondays. I've taken comfort in knowing that we will always have Mondays. The feeling never stops, but I think that's okay because you only feel that way because there was love first. And as much as what I felt on that first Monday hurts, as much as it suffocates, and as much as it consumes. I'll take the hurt and the suffocation and the consumption because the love I felt first will always, always be worth it. Mondays will always be worth it. Sure, if I loved less, it wouldn’t hurt this bad. But I don't want to live in a world where I have to love less, where I was loved less. So I'll take the pain. I'll take the grave days. I'll take the rock. I'll take the eagle. I'll take apocalyptic, earth-shaking Tuesdays. I'll take every last wretched bit because shit, what a miracle it is to love so bad it hurts this big. I hold that love, his love for me and my love for him, a love that is now our love, in the cage of my ribs. While I'm in the cage of his grave. And I dig. It's Sunday, and I dig. I dig. And then It's Monday.

[theshalesky]

memories are weird. all i can grasp is a vague feeling days not even tainted, just days i remember listening to music. the constant struggle not like a shadow, just a part of life what we know is our only reality. and why wouldn't i hate myself? i did think a lot about being broken. was i broken? no, of course not - i had never shattered. the world seemed clear, i had no doubts: me a small and fragile bird the others so much stronger. i was only real during the holidays. what happened inside my mind these days? locked away in stories maybe just enough curiosity to balance it all out i lived, hated myself, i loved existing. it bothers me not to know how dark my world actually was. my inner child won't tell me. memories are weird.

[monomorphilogical]

Flesh and blood

teenaged body barely survived at fifteen

out by sixteen or dead in the scene

back then I couldn't see the forest for the trees

there was no use in begging please

they smelled the flesh and bit the meat

everybody knows a dog's gotta eat

now my love's a wound that refuses to close

through the lockjaw that wanted me most

you're not special for your dog teeth

my skin's already scar-tissued underneath

and I'd tell you about it if you'll listen to what I say

if it didn't make me some wet-teethed prey

now you want to do it to me too

but I want to know if I can I do it to you

'cause we both suffer from the same disease

starving animals on our knees

my body polluted in the shadowed moonlight

and you're thinking about it day and night

shaking like you're starving and wasting away

— eager for it like a city stray

I know you're an animal and you can't help yourself

the curse of man when the clock strikes twelve

and your pretty mouth will fill with a genesis flood

there's a haunt in your hunger for my blood

mispronounced devotion starts aching in your bones

the hand only wants to hold what it owns

laying there with your head down at the foot of my bed

while I'm grinding my teeth filled up with dread

my back's against the wall and I've got a lit cigarette

the sharp of my nails curled like a threat

you and I are not that far apart

in the same bed with the same hand to rabbit-heart

your love and your hunger go hand in hand

I carry my hunger in my haunt so I understand

though I try to keep my teeth hidden away

you went ahead and put yours on display

all fever-hot and cross-eyed

you're all over me and I've got nowhere to hide

bite too hard and I'll have no choice but to bite through

'cause I'm just as much of a dog as you

but I'd still bare my neck if you could handle it

dead in the scene with my throat slit

[do-rey-me]

you are the world.

as you lay dying in a hospital bed

we take a moment to breathe in

(we do not know this is a dangerous thing yet)

the air free of the chemicals and beeping and rushing we have grown accustomed to

we try and eat something that is not bland

the shops are closed

as you are dying, the world is dying with you.

when we had first arrived, the staff had thought i was old

they had me sign paperwork and give medical information for your stay as your next of kin

they looked in my eyes and saw my future

(Apollo was God of prophecy and medicine both)

knew i would command your fate into the ground

knew i would not condemn you to that terror of cremation

your family arrives

(black birds following armies, knowing that a feast will be served)

they always do, for matters they consider important

first arrives your sister

(i forget which one)

she is kind to me, of course

she dances around the obvious, of course

she is surprised that my mother and stepfather are there,

although she tries to hide it

at some point, there is a meeting around whether or not

you would want to have donated yourself to help others

(why is that information not already available?)

i don’t know for certain what you would say, but i tell them to do it anyway

(forgive me, for not asking)

(forgive me, for not saying hello)

(forgive me, for waiting until i was grown to talk)

your sister tries to give you your Last Rites while my family is away

the Priest, the Doctors, they all tell her no

she tries anyway

(i understand, she is trying to help)

(i understand, she does not know you)

your Mother arrives.

(so does her husband and my uncle)

i don the armor ive been welding for my (your) life (death)

I greet her with respect, we go through the motions of grief before death

(i do not give her my True Name, i do not eat of her food, i do not give her any debts)

(i am a changeling child, i know her kind well)

i prepare myself for real battles to begin.

the rest of the players trickle in

the family

your friends

(your friends go through your house, giving most to me. neither side asks, so no debt is owed)

(i do not have to go myself)

(it is one less battle to fight)

my mother becomes my second-in-command easily, as if she never even stopped

she is water, flowing and changing

she is rock, steady and tethering

here is how the war is fought

in uncomfortable hospital chairs, we talk, your family and i

your mother takes charge on her side

i take charge on mine

we are outnumbered, but we have legal power over your decisions

and their time is running out.

as per the rules set long ago, we must remain respectful. polite.

they are your family. they raised you. you are their precious son.

(you were born out of wedlock. you abandoned the faith. you raised a queer.)

my mother abandoned you. my stepfather must hate you. your friends are irrelevant.

(you were my mother’s best friend. you got my stepfather to branch out. your friends built a boat to burn for you)

but me? i am your child. you are my precious father, my world, who i am losing.

so when i tell them that you would want to be buried without a box, to feed the earth and let the worms eat your flesh?

they cannot oppose me directly.

most of your family ignores your brother, my uncle

they can’t understand the words he says so they think him infantile

when they aren’t ignoring him, they are Handling him

they tell him you are dying in little words

“Pete isn’t going to be around anymore soon”

they say in falsetto tones

they do not let him grieve. they do not let him love.

i do not let the rage boil under my skin

i do not let myself mourn that with your passing he will be taken away as well

it will not help him. it will not help you.

i often can’t understand what my uncle says either, but that’s not new

the wind likes to play tricks on me, tying words into knots before they reach my ears

i am one of the few that treats him like the eldest child he will soon be

he is one of the few that treats me like the child i shall still be for two years yet

so between battles, sitting amongst the corpses of words, we sit in silence,

and we draw

your death is scheduled

it has to be, to harvest what they can from you, to save who they can

there is ceremony to what comes after

they bring the body up, and we walk down the hall with it

doctors and nurses line the halls, giving respect to what we have lost

giving respect to what you have given that will save others

the only sound the whole way is my uncle’s sobs

i don’t know if he hates that it was a child, your child, who was the one comforting him

and so the world ends.

the funeral seems dull in comparison to the honor walk

sure, your family made a scene,

but my mother took the narrative back

and anyway.

by that point the fight was over

your wishes were respected

i had won.

the next day,

we went home.

and we didn’t come out.

and so the world ends.

[lemonnbug]

poem under the cut

My Father Died Again Today

They carried him off while I was still asleep, shuffling and scuffling to get him out the door and loaded onto the truck, taken to the dump.

They took him off the hat rack, tossed him in my room and complained when I put him back. It doesn't feel like him anymore, though.

They put him in trash bags and gave him away. Buried him deep in cardboard boxes and shoved him in the back of closets, hidden where I can't see him. My father died again today, same as he did yesterday, and the day before.

A poem titled My Father Died Again Today where I describe every time someone gets rid of or changes something that was my dad's or reminded me of him

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Hc for Halsin, Astarion, Will, Gortash, (& maybe Damon and Raphael) caring for a loved one with chronic illness or like an illness that keeps them bedbound for an extended time

A/N: Oh Nonnie, do I feel this ask lol. Chronic fatigue sucks, mainly because so few people don’t understand it goes beyond being just ‘tired’. There’s brain fog, stomach issues, and body pains– so I tried to touch on each of these symptom types for each character response. However you’re doing, whether you’re in a flare or not, I want you to know your illness is not your fault. You didn't ask for this. Don’t feel guilty for having to take care of yourself. You’re worth it. I promise. 

Also, this is unrelated but it’s lowkey funny that the week after I got diagnosed with a weird anemia, I write an answer for an ask about chronic fatigue. lol

TW: Mention of Chronic Fatigue/Pain, Brief Mentions of Sex 

🤕 BG3 Men Caring for a Gender Neutral! Loved One With Chronic Illness 🤕

Astarion: 

Worries. Like A LOT.

Tells you not to be so dramatic about it but will literally sprint towards you if he even hears you sigh.

He asks Karlach to carry you. 

Steals somebody’s cart/chariot if she refuses and instead makes her and Shadowheart take turns pulling that. (Jokes on him, they do it because they’re your friend, not his lol.) 

Has you come on missions because he feels more secure knowing you’re right behind him, and he can keep looking after you. Astarion makes sure to always sneak ahead so you never walk unknowingly into any danger 

Will give you massages if you’re in pain frequently, especially shoulder rubs, as he loves the view it gives him of your pretty neck. 

Speaking of necks, feeding is a huge no-no. At least, until you start feeling a bit better. And then he’ll only allow himself a taste. Gods knows you need all your strength, and he would feel terribly guilty to take what little you have from you. 

Lowkey appreciates the bags under your eyes and the way you can look like death incarnate, because well, then he doesn’t stand out as much. He also finds it strangely alluring, how you can look so fragile yet be so strong. It inspires him to find that balance within himself if he’s being honest. 

If you have trouble ‘performing’ due to your illness, he’s not upset at all! (He’s actually quite relieved.) 

Loves finding other ways you can be intimate together, like going to a spa and sharing a bath. Or finding a highly-rated inn and cuddling under some luxurious silk sheets. 

Turns out that after a lifetime of being forced to do things, Astarions is more than happy to spend his time doing nothing with you. 

Wyll: 

Is so sweet and tender when he speaks to you.

He’s literally Prince Charming, which makes you his Sleeping Beauty. 

On your good days, he’ll have you stand on his feet as he twirls you around, finding this the best way to ‘dance’ with you, given your current stamina. 

Requests for you to stay back at camp and rest while he and a few of the others handle the more taxing and dangerous missions. Gifts you some books and journals of his to keep you occupied in the meantime.

When he comes back to camp, the first thing he does is check on you. If you’re awake, he’ll make sure your needs are met before tending to his own. Doesn’t matter if Wyll’s starving and covered in guts, if you need a drink or an extra blanket, just say the word and he will fetch it immediately.  

Will recite poetry to you on the bad pain nights when you cannot sleep because everything aches too much. He knows his voice won’t stop the pain, but he hopes it provides a soothing atmosphere to just rest in, even if sleep cannot find you.

Is always so tender and gentle in his lovemaking, that it’s rarely an issue for you. However, on the nights that it is, don’t feel bad at all. Wyll adores you for much more than your body. He loves your mind, your heart, and your soul. Just being near you, knowing you love him back is more than enough. 

Halsin: 

Is always prepared with some medicinal herbs or a healing spell. 

He’s a natural caretaker, and you are no exception. However, when it comes to you, Halsin does approach the act a little bit differently. 

It’s much more personal when he makes you health potions or casts spells to heal you, you can see it in his eyes. In a way, it’s as if your pain has become his pain, and he needs the relief just as much as you. 

As long as you give your consent, Halsin prefers to have you touching him. Be it laying on top of his chest, or seated on his lap, he always wants his skin against yours, as if his touch alone could shield you from your illness. You find it rather sweet of him.

He pleads for you to stay behind in camp, or the grove- somewhere that is not the center of the action. He wishes for you to remain out of the fray, fearful that in your condition, fighters with less honor than he would take advantage of your vulnerability. 

If you need to be in a house with a room, and not camped out in the woods, he understands, although it may frustrate him a bit. He believes nature is the perfect healing environment, but he also trusts that you know your illness better than anyone. After all, you’ve managed it all these years. So instead, he simply brings nature to you. 

Haslin decorates your bedroom with plants, trees, and succulents. If you’re allergic, he enchants them to reduce their pollen production. 

Halsin understands he is rather large in the ‘down there’ department. If you cannot have traditional sex with him, it’s not a surprise to him. He knows more than one way to please his partner. He’s very giving and seems to get off on your pleasure more than his own at times. 

Halsin thinks you are one of the most beautiful gifts of nature. Your illness is just another part of you, and because it’s a part of you, he thinks it’s beautiful as well. You may resent it, but Halsin could never separate that part from you and hate it. He simply loves the whole of you too much to do that. 

Dammon:

Oh my god, he’s such a sweetheart.

But also a low-key tease. 

He has no issues getting or reaching things for you, but he does have a mischievous side, so be prepared for him to hold your things hostage, in exchange for a kiss or two. 

Has a habit of finding you curled up in bed on your worst pain/fatigue days and peppering you with kisses, and won’t stop until you laugh. 

Forges special mobility aids! Do you need help walking? Pfft. Not a problem. Dammon’s an incredible blacksmith, and he can make you armor that helps stabilize you. You know those really cool joint support braces you can get on Etsy and stuff? Yeah, he makes you DOZENS of them, all in different metals and designs, to match your mood/outfit for the day. 

While on the road, or in the grove, he always ensures you’re armed with some sort of easily gripped knife or sword, just in case anyone attacks. He does his best to keep you close, never walking too far ahead or behind, but you having that extra layer of protection makes him feel all the more reassured. 

He's not a fighter, but years of working in the forge have made his arms and back strong. He swears he will do everything he can to protect you, that no harm will come to you so long as you stay close. 

Is so relieved when you make it to the city at last. He’s so grateful that he can finally provide a real room and bed for you. He feels as if the entire journey has been worth it now that you’ll be able to rest and heal as you need, in the kind of safe and stable conditions you deserve.  

Comes in from a long, sweaty day of working in the forge, but immediately sets his sights on taking care of you. Draws a bath but insists you bathe first, as the water won’t be full of grime and ash after he bathes. 

Is always surprised and very flattered when you tug him in with you, still touched by your affection for him, as if you’ve just met for the first time. Dammon’s still a little shocked that out of everyone, you chose him. (Ironically, you feel the same. You’re a perfect match!) 

Insists on taking the lead during more intimate moments, and to make sure you just lay back and let him do all the work, introduces soft silk ties for your hands and ankles for whenever you feel like indulging in that kink with him. 

Gortash: 

Spoils you rotten. 

No, really.

Part of the highlight of being a Lord, soon-to-be Duke, is that he has the power to make all the other people do things for him. And no task is too costly or requires too much manpower so long as it means you’re taken care of. 

Buys the most lavish sheets and sleep sets for you. He wants you to be comfortable, the both of you deserve nothing but the best, after all. 

Assigns around-the-clock healers to you 24/7. They are always in your home, on-call, awaiting your request for relief. He wants every measure of treatment and remedy explored. If there’s a spell or herb that can reduce your pain, then you shall have it. 

Enjoys any downtime he has with you. Has his staff put a special chaise lounge in his office so you can visit him when he’s working. 

Gortash is so used to putting up fronts for everyone else, that it’s nice to let his guard down around you. You don’t judge him, or think less of him for his ambitions. Other people would run if they learned the truth, but not you. No, you’re so much more special than that. 

Of course, whenever you go out, you have your own guards and steel watch keeping you safe from anyone who’d wish to harm either you or him. All the other Lords and Ladies of Baldur’s Gate don’t dare say a mean word about you or your abilities, lest they wish to face the wrath of a peeved Gortash. 

As an inventor, Gortash invents the very first automatic, steampunk-esque wheelchair for you. It’s powered in the same way his Steel Watch is, and it is uniquely one-of-a-kind, tailor-made just for you. 

You know how in the game it’s hinted that Gortash basically stole and fucked his way into the high society of Baldur’s Gate? That many of the widowed Ladies gifted him lavish presents (like the deeds to their house?!) in response to whatever ‘relationship’ he had with them? Yeah. The man knows what he’s doing. And he does it well.

Your fitness level is no concern to him. The both of you will enjoy yourselves. He learns how to play the erogenous zones of your body perfectly, and in the event you’re too exhausted to play his, he has some, shall we say, special toys, he’s created just for himself. Course, should you ever ask, he’s more than willing to share them with you. ;)

Raphael: 

Switches between pampering you to badgering you about it.

When he’s feeling particularly generous, he makes a point to overindulge you, making sure you’re aware of how unselfish he’s being at the time. 

He’ll make sure you have not only whatever you need, but also, anything you should want. As a devil, he does have some magic up his sleeve, ready to take care of various aches and pains that you feel. 

Ensures no other beings in the House of Hope lay a finger on you. No, that’s a privilege for him and him alone. 

Of course, such benevolence from him comes at a price, so don’t expect the luxury to come freely, without strings attached. 

After he feels you’ve rested enough, he switches from being overly doting to being more curt, and even a bit cruel. 

You honestly don’t expect him to let you lounge all day, do you? Surely there’s a way you could make yourself useful to him. Your attention, your company, your body… there must be something of interest to him at the moment. Of course, Raphael won’t tell you outright what he wants, you have to figure it out for yourself each and every time. 

More than anything Raphael loves your adoration, your attention. Just sit with him in his office as he reads over the various contracts he has binding any number of sorry souls. Ask him questions, praise him. Tell him you think he’s brilliant… Darling just worship him. 

And after his ego’s been satisfied, he’ll go back to worshiping you. Relationships are all give and take after all. 

(And don’t worry if you’re too tired or in too much pain to perform well in bed. He’s certainly no good at it either lol.)

[lains-reality]

hi :) i hope you’re having a wonderful day

you’re literally the only blogger i trust when it comes to non-duality, and your advice has been the one i’ve been most easily able to apply/understand. I hope this doesn’t come off as a vent, but it probably will just because this question is so complicated and problem riddled, and tbh idek if you’re actually going to respond, but yea. it’s like star wars you’re my obi wan kenobi! my last hope lol

basically i’ve put my life on hold and procrastinated everything i’ve needed to do. (TW: death?? health problems/sa?) I went through a really bad year, last year. the human character i identify with (non-dualistic terms, bc ik this character isn’t me?) was sa’d in the beginning of the year. really traumatic. i dropped out of school, i couldn’t go out of the house because i feared for my life. i became super paranoid. i reported it and filed charges, but the justice system is fucked so.

anyways, after because the amount of stress i was experiencing, i became very ill. my biological father wished death on me, and i believed it at the time, because my sibling wished for me to get raped, and then it happened. i can see now, how my belief may or may not have been the cause of what happened. i then got cancer. the doctors couldn’t figure it out for months, and even ridiculed me- saying how i relied on google.

i finally went to a specialist who was immediately concerned, and then confirmed my suspicions. i was sort of friends with a blogger on here who got into the void and manifested their dream life. they went into the void for me and affirmed that i no longer had cancer, and that i could tap/wake up in the void. the next day, the huge lump/tumor on my neck was gone. all of my ailments- trouble breathing, patchy and rough skin ceased. i literally told my mother what happened which made her start believing in the power of “manifestation”.

because of the paranoia, and then cancer- i didn’t go to school my last 2 years of school. i switched to online, but never felt the need to complete my classes because i knew i would get into the void. i’ve gotten into the void, both by waking up/tapping into it but i haven’t been able to change my awareness, or “manifest” bc i was just mumbo jumbing words or poetry. i didn’t apply to university, because i thought i’d enter the void before then and revise my school grades + make it so i got into the university of my choice.

now, i have a week left before i have to finish my classes- which i have 7 of them, and so many assignments. i have to move out in the middle of august because i lied to my parents and said i got into university, because i thought i would’ve already changed things with the void by now. my life was fucked, then i fucked my life. after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now, yet i haven’t. i don’t know what i’m doing wrong, because i was able to show myself the truth of reality (as lester levinson said).

i am really stressing because now everything is falling down on itself. i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go, yet it’s so hard when teachers are bombarding me with messages how i have to finish the classes, or how i have to move out soon. i know this is probably ego driven, but i feel as if i can’t see a way through because of how attached i am to this. my health has also been abnormal, which makes me fear that the cancer has returned. what should i do?? im kinda freaking out.

anyways, i am so sorry if this came across trauma dumping/venting. i am just at a point where i do not even know where to begin to conceptualize this into understanding. this took a lot of courage to type, as im a bit afraid still- that people who hurt me from last year will see this (even though i know they won’t, but still). i totally understand if you wish not to post this or answer it, as it is very long and limiting. thank you though! i hope you have a wonderful week:)

this was quite difficult to answer as i've never been through so much turmoil all at once. i hope this answer helps and you'll continue taking care of yourself! (i'm sorry i linked way too much lol just don't read it all at once!)

firstly i want you to rest.

you've been through a lot and you've also been putting off a lot to get into the void. stopping life for manifestation is common it seems, its not healthy either. so much pressure is coming from time. you put all your expectations on a method, and i'm gonna guess that you also put so much onto your mind to get you into the void.

practically: your biological father sounds abusive and so does your sibling, i would be more careful around him. idk if your not around him anymore, it sounds like it? but you need to plan accordingly for your lie. are you gonna tell your parents or ?

theres a massive chance you'll just go crazy trying to figure out all these moving parts, so i suggest do what you can and leave the rest. do the minimum to keep you safe, then figure out the rest as it comes. do whatever you need to do, just remember to not take on too much at once.

ask for breaks on work at school for medical reasons, maybe think about jobs, etc. you see how much more could come into the picture? but this is all the body-mind can do. its easy to treat it as god, but its not god.

"but i feel as if i can’t see a way through"

You fail to do the works of God, because you take the body to be God. - Ada B. [4dbarbie]

take a look at these meditations:

butter meditation

peace meditation

surrender meditation

un-identification exercise

crying meditation

i'd like you pick one of these exercises:

feel all the shit. feel bad. just do it. let all the bad feelings out. put on sad music and fucking cry. cry it all out.

let yourself rest, with no problems. if a thought or feeling comes in just let it, because its not a problem remember? :) just put on some calming music or visualise a calming place. and let yourself have some time with nothing. no conditions. no perfection. no obligations. no 'have to' 'should' 'must'. let that go for this time

feel as if you've died. feel as if you've been completely forgiven, feel as if there was a powerful white light that washed you away of all the crap. really feel as if the divine came down, hugged you and said 'i love you and forgive you'. its all over. finally its all done. you can rest. (i suggest kickstarting this with imagery or music, its hard to generate feeling such grace on you own. i saw a jesus holding a baby lamb picture that made me burst out in tears and realised that all i wanted was just to be, no obligations. i imagined waking up in a heaven, in a gaint flowerfield. do what you want)

one time i did the 1st and 3rd exercises (i made it up on the spot) and it was worth it. the next few days felt much better. its like an exercise in rebirth. let yourself be reborn.

some days you'll just do one or all 3. pick what ever feels right in what ever order. but i suggest that 'feel as if you've died' or 'no problems' comes last! the whole point is to let the painful emotion pass through and settle in a neutral or grateful place.

"after discovering non-duality i gained hope that i would be able to turn things around by now"

here's the problem, you went into a philosophy intending to manifest. yes,, (1) you can do that (2) its okay, AS LONG AS YOU DONT MISS THE POINT. the point being that there is no person! the character is a character, not you. manifestation is just another concept, you can use it as long as you understand that its not real. thats why i shared the BOOKS, you need to READ.

"i try to forget my problems, and don’t give them life by letting go"

don't force yourself to forget (don't say you're not forcing it, otherwise you never would of wrote "TRY"). just let them be. deal with it when it comes up. the mind'll want to make a bazillion plans and stress. if you can make plans without spiriling, then do it. if you can't, don't. there will probably be some things you need to plan and thats okay. but everything else, leave it.

you haven't actually let it go, you're here in my inbox. you do not need to force letting it go. you naturally let it go by realising who you are in relation to it all. if you think you're the body-mind then its impossible to let go, because its your life and it involves you and if you let it go to shit, you might die!! - says the mind. but if you're Self, then this is not you. all those stories mean nothing compared to Infinity, Absolute Perfection and Love!

the Self is who you truly are. Self is still underneath it all, it is all. its imagining itself being a human. the character is the wave, YOU are the ocean. ultimately this is about realising all the identities, images and roles that "you've" taken on and used as reference are not you. how can a story be you? how can the past be you? are you the past? are you currently living in the past? you can be if you keep bringing it into the now.

when you stop using the past as a reference point, how much more posibilities come up now?

this is because the mind only knows what it knows. it cannot know anything more than what it knows right now. it can't access infinite intelligence. that's why it'll try to project into the future, and make plans. but it doesn't truly know. all it does is give suggestions based off the past. it is a combination of identity based off feelings, thoughts and memories that is collected and turned into a habit.

the past, memories, feelings, thoughts, identifies, roles etc all pass through you. they all come up like waves and then leave on THEIR OWN. if you hold onto these (which the character wants to do, it thinks thats all it is) it'll be painful when they are threatened in some way. a simple remark of "oh you look xxx" can be so painful for some characters because they based their whole life on a singular identity that WILL go.

Most of you can't change because you are so desperate TO change... but there is nothing to want to change. Things just are. Don't work with changing self, just realize who self actually is. [4dbarbie]

this is not a forcing thing, its just a rememberance. its done out of love, passion, a desire to just be free! with no ties to whatever identity! its takes courage, not convincing or denial.

Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did? What are changes in your psyche, do you feel more confident, do you feel like you could take on the world? Don't you love Vanessa now that you know that she always was a choice? Even if she wasn't the greatest, what's so wrong with her? She is just somebody, she just lives a life. Things are only so serious when you're identified with her, you get scared, you get hurt, you feel stuck. But when you know that she can't hinder you? That she was never you? Don't you just want to laugh and hug her? [4dbarbie]

are you sure you're reading books and posts? a lot of this is already answered. your case is just more to deal with, but the point is still the same: you are not the body and mind, see what would happen if you questioned them.

just KEEP IT SIMPLE!

i'd like to leave you with this.

Once a young woman came to Hafiz and said, “What is the sign of someone knowing God?” And Hafiz became very quiet and stood in silence for nearly a minute. Lovingly looking deep into the young woman's eyes, he then softly spoke: “My dear, they have dropped the knife. The person who knows God has dropped the cruel knife so often used upon their tender self and others.” [source]

some extra resources

eft - health fear

eft - afraid to feel

we cannot practice letting go

heart of an emotion

i want to wake up with everything

hafiz - love's victory (PLEASE WATCH IT)

trust yourself

"You think you're doing it all for nothing, that's why you don't do it. But is freedom from pain really nothing? At least you are, for once in your life, sighing from relief from all this never-ending sense of doing."

health anon

apply

"All the process requires is letting go of thinking you are Vanessa."

behaviour

letting thoughts and emotions pass

challenge yourself

stories

everything brings you back to your Self

you've been through a lot and i'm glad you still are full of love! otherwise you never would've tried in the first place to change anything. use that love, take any anger and turn it into love for freedom! for Self! i know you can do it!!

also: the feeling of bad health coming back is a sign to me. you've put so much on hold: your healing from the sa, the healing from your family, the lying, LIFE in general. you can't keep doing that. turn inwards. the fear won't consume you.

[niyoriix]

Bleach captains w/ Elysia S/O

TW: Cussing, suggestive(kinda??) OOC lol

Males only (no idea how to write for woman, even though I am one😞 also I didn't add some ALL of them since I had no CLUE how to write for them,I'll try to next time tho!!)

Shunsui

•Yall get along AMAZINGLY.

•Loves you so much, incredibly grateful that your his S/O.

•Loves your hair, it's so silky smooth and healthy, plays with it every chance he gets lol

•has probably written the most corny ass poetry about you 😭

•loves when you massage his head, makes him at peace.

•honestly just being with you is enough to make him feel incredibly peaceful.

•Kind of weird but, he likes how you smell.

•sometimes panics a little when he can't find you (nanao has to make him calm down by telling him you're just shopping lmao😭 he just needs to know your safe😞)

•Loves laying on your lap

Jushiro

•COUPLE GOALS OMG

•loves you sm😞

•Everyone loves you both, like match made in heaven🙏

•he sometimes gets rlly sad cuz he knows he won't be able to stay by your side for much longer due to his sickness, so he tries his best to always be with you.

•Acts like a total lost puppy without you.

•Like wandering around the garden with you and having mini tea dates with you.

•he sometimes feels bad when you have to take care of him, so you have to comfort him and tell him it's fine.

•Loves getting his hair combed by you, he finds it so soothing since your really soft with it.

•gives you the strangest but rlly thoughtfull gifts

•adores when you read to him.

Byakuya

• This is so Grumpy X sunshine coded lol

• tries to keep PDA to a minimum.

• Tea dates somewhat often

• gives you luxurious gifts ALOT

• readings/chatting dates are very often as well, this man can't get enough of your voice.

• he rlly loves it when you cook for him.

• and he's loves getting compliments from you, he's gets a whole ass ego boost.

• Loves seeing you with rukia, makes him shed a tear.

Mayuri

• when you guys got together people were incredibly concerned for you, also very jealous of Mayuri lmao

• Most likely has tried to experiment on you at least once.

• likes having you sit on his lap while he works, sometimes searching for validation from you.

•hes absolutely loves how you compliment him.

•he let's you paint his face with his face paint sometimes.

• builds you a lot of mini gadgets (for praise)

Shinji

•Most of the time he tries to flirt with you, you Normally the flirt back and it gets him red instead of you lol

• has done stuff to try and get you mad since you always look happy(he's just a curious lil guy)

•COMB HIS HAIR PLEASE..he LOVES it

•pink x yellow perfect match honestly

•gives you his hiori randomly (showing his dominance LMFAO)

•When you guys sleep together he fucking drools on you 😭 but he looks rlly cute sleeping so you let it slide..

•says a lot of stupidly cringy jokes

•but he does have good jokes DW

Gin

•This sly little bastard.. mf would be all up on you😭

•Randomly hugs you.

•Has you sit on his lap while he does his work

•Dirty jokes 24/7

•cant keep his hands to himself.

•likes cupping your face in his hands while staring into your eyes.

•lays on your lap when he's out of energy or he just finished his work

•play with his hair please!!

•kisses on your face till your ass red as a tomato.

Aizen (captain)

• he actually does genuinely love you, he knows your not naive and that you have your own secrets, he's okay with that.

•when you guys are both away and don't have time to see each other he'll send gin to check on you.

•He very often pats your head for comfort

•running his fingers through your long pink hair is so soothing for him.

•you both read books and have tea dates

•very thoughtful gifts

•He feels very comfortable being with you.

•but he knows he'll have to leave soon..

Urahara

• enamored with your existence.

•He absolutely adores you, he's such a simp.

•He let's you wear his hat

•praise him,compliment him, do anything around this man and he's putty in your hands.

•(those 2 kids I forgot the name of) they probably call you Mom or smth

•has made you multiple inventions just for the sake of being praised.

•Loves when you sit on his lap and yap to him about your day.

•Cuddles 24/7

•Kissies always, random hugs always, pats on the back always, random words of encouragement always.

Toshiro

•Loves you alot.

•Kinda insecure about his height since your much taller than him(please comfort him🙏)

•makes ice sculptures of you from time to time(he never shows you them due to his embarrassment..)

• he's actually gotten a lot more confident about his height since you guys started dating, you compliment his height and never joke about his height, he loves that.

•he tries to keep his composure but just can't,your just so pretty and cute..he always has to stop himself from getting to red.

•Kisses on your hands always👏👏

•loves how understanding you are and how patient you are with him.

•gets so embarrassed when you call him suga-suga or toshi-toshi.

•Best naps ever warm+cold perfection

This was SOOOO OOC 😭 also took awhile to make-

[ensignsimp]

Headcanons for how the TOS boys (separately ofc- unless youre willing to do poly mcspirk x reader lol 👀) react to walking into his bedroom to find his fem!s/o sitting on their bed wearing nothing but a ribbon she’s tied around herself so he can unwrap her like a present, as a sort of birthday gift to him.

Wrapped Up TOS HCs: Kirk, Spock, McCoy

A/N: Just in time for Valentine's Day.

A/N+: Next you'll wanna pop out of a cake for their birthdays.

TW: Mature Content

Prompt: Wrapped up Valentine Day Gift for our favorite boys.

James T. Kirk

When you said that you have a surprise for him this Valentine's he was nervous but excited.

He had tried to make each Valentine's Day special, one year he even surprised you in bed by wearing a very sexy pair of yellow lingerie.

But this year you were going to surprise him!

He practically runs to your shared quarters and has to hold himself back as he knocks on the doors.

When he walks in and sees you sitting on his bed, wrapped up in a thick red ribbon with a comically large tag that reads: To Kirk

He can't help but chuckle slightly. His face is bright red. This has always been a bit of a fantasy for him.

He's pulling at his collar and stuttering slightly.

"You, you - This is quite a surprise."

He saunters up to you trying to be seductive but you can tell he's just too excited.

He gently pulls at the ribbon wrapped around your torso.

You feel his breath tickle your ear as he leans in and whispers.

"I can't wait to unwrap you."

S'Chn T'Gai Spock

When you said that you have a surprise for him this Valentine's he was skeptical.

He had tried to understand the meaning of the holiday but to show such affection openly was not what Vulcans did. So he often would give you a bouquet of flowers and read some kind of sentimental poetry when you were alone.

However, at the end of his shift, he is curious about what you have planned.

He walks a few paces faster than normal back to your shared quarters. He even skips a little.

When he walks in and sees you sitting on his bed. His face flushes the same shade of green as the ribbon you're wrapped in.

He tries to keep his composure but you look so tempting to him. He isn't used to this sudden feeling.

He gasps slightly as you slyly shift your position to a more sultry pose.

"My wife, are you in the stages of your pon farr?"

You giggle and gesture for him to come closer.

He willingly approaches and reaches his hands out to you. He runs his fingers over your exposed skin and silk thread.

He then gently cups your face feeling your want and desire for him. You see him, just briefly, crack a small smile.

"I shall be as gentle as I can, however, I can not guarantee you will go blemished."

Leonard McCoy

When you said that you have a surprise for him this Valentine's he was suspicious.

He had tried to do something nice for Valentine's Day before but it never seemed to go as planned.

He was curious and enjoyed the idea of you surprising him.

He seems to be in a better mood through most of his shift. He expects something quiet like a nice candlelit meal and dancing.

He's completely gobsmacked when he walks into your shared quarters.

He feels like a teenager seeing a (beautiful boy / gorgeous girl / perfect partner) in their bed for the first time.

He clamps his hand over his mouth because it is about to fall on the floor.

"I didn't know you'd go all out, aren't I just the luckiest man alive."

You giggle and puff your chest out tempting him to pull the bow.

He skips the bow and gently cups your face, giving you a strong sweet kiss.

His other hand trails down the ribbon and pulls at it slightly teasing you.

"I feel bad not getting you anything, but I'll show you how much I appreciate you."

Extra Holiday Special:

Quad

They were confused when you said that you had a surprise for them.

You had them scratching their heads all day.

On the turbolift ride down to your shared quarters the three of them talked about what you might have planned.

Kirk seems to be excited while McCoy and Spock are still trying to figure out what you've done.

They find their quarters empty until they hear music coming from the bedroom.

When they see you Kirk and McCoy are completely shocked, while Spock raises an eyebrow.

Kirk quickly goes from shock to excitement.

McCoy is still trying to process what is going on.

And Spock is still holding his cold stone exterior complemented by a bright green blush.

"You naughty (boy, girl, thing)."

"Who gets to unwrap them first?"

"This is quite a display ashal-veh."

The three basically fight over who gets what, it's kind of cute.

Spock leads the charge by approaching you first.

Kirk practically rips his own shirt off.

McCoy is trying to pick a fight with Spock on who gets to go first.

"Best gift I've ever received."

"Next time, he'll want us to do this."

"I am not opposed to such an idea."

[zukishaylupo]

New intro post, you can see our old intro posts by looking for "intro post" as a tag on our blog.

Hello, this is our blog for alterhuman/nonhuman and plural things mainly. This was originally made for my fictionkin/ockin; Zuki Shay Hara-Lupo. Who is a noncanon MHA/BNHA being/creature.

Here's a bit more info on my canon for Zuki Shay Hara-Lupo. It was divergent from the manga and anime. If you want to know more about my canon, send in an ask, or you can see some things on my original intro posts. The only thing I will mention here is that UA was a college instead of a high school, so my class and I were all 18 at the start of the first year at UA.

In this life, the body is currently 19, so keep that in mind. We don't mind minors interacting. Just know I (the host) am more hesitant to interact with minors myself.

We try and make sure our posts are all tagged well, especially for tw or cw, if you see a post of ours that doesn't have a tw or cw that needs to be tagged tagged, then let us know and we'll fix it.

We will not answer/post any donation asks if you want to know why you should be able to find the posts we made about it by using the tag "no donation asks."

We will block for any reason. Especially when it comes to hate.

This is an endo safe space. We will not judge systems/plural beings for their origins. If you don't like this, leave.

We are also disabled, both in this life and in my (the host) life as Zuki, so that will also be on our blog. [In this life for all the ones after this]. We are autistic and ADHD for sure. We have a learning disability and depression as well diagnosed. We believe we might have OCD and PTSD but are not sure yet. I know we have some form of anxiety, but it's not diagnosed. We all (alters) experience these disabilities so yeah.

Because of our disabilities, we need a service dog in this life. [I also had one as Zuki]. We will likely post more about the service dog when we finally get our stuff together and do more about it.

- Shay (They/it/xe/ze/hx/he) | Host of Enby Creature Plurals (placeholder name for our plurality for now)

Some userboxes. 3 were made by me, and 4 were made by https://www.tumblr.com/kthecritter?source=share.

Tags that are for specific things;

# howling and barking at the moon - poems/poetry

# howling into the past - past life/kin memories good

# barking into the past - past life/kin memories bad

# woof woof reblog - rebloging alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or adding alterhuman/nonhuman stuff in my reblog

# other reblog - rebloging without alterhuman/nonhuman stuff

# confused howling - questioning system/plural stuff, including origin and alters

# disabled pup - disability things

# meowing in confusion - idk this is just for when I am confused about something

# little pup - sfw age regression things when pup is used to refer to me

# little kitten - sfw age regression things when kitten/kit is used to refer to me

# howling barking and meowing - talking about stuff tag, idk lol

# tri beta noises sfw - sfw misceverse stuff

# tri beta noises nsfw - nsfw misceverse stuff

# multi noises - system/plural things

# multi reblog - system/plural reblogs

# 💚🩵🐾🪶 - Shay/Zuki Shay Lupo | host and MHA/BNHA kin put together, lol

# 🌊🔷️🌟🎨 - Lakey | alter

# 😺🤎🍓🥓 - Declan (The cat face changes based on mood of post) | alter

# 🐈🐈‍⬛🍗🥛 - Lynix | alter

# 🐺🦾🦿🤖 - Oynx Afton (the middle two are supposed to just represent animatronic shit) | no idea whether this is a kin or an alter, lol

# 🟤🐺🐾🌕 - Phalen Lupe (supposed to represent werecanine/werewolf) | either kin or alter

# 🗣💚🦮🥦 - Shirley | alter

# 🐺🌠😇😈 - Vesper Lucian (supposed to represent fallen angel) | now we are kinda thinking this is an alter

# 🩵🦴🐾🪽 - Cyan Lupo | RWBY kin

# 🐲🐉🔥💛 - Dragon | alter with a placeholder name for now

# ❓️⁉️❔️🤔 - ? (don't know who the fuck this person is, think they are an alter though?)

# 💬🗣❓️❔️- When confused who is fronting

[lady-rafael]

Mental health rant under neath the cut

Tw:

Idk generally bad thoughts no privacy dublde standards

I can't deal with this shit no more fucki can't deal with this shit to many double standers just cuz I was born with a vagina man to many double standers and no one irl to this shit about ngl online freinds are banger but can't shake there shoulders for emphasis lol my brothers get away with anything for having dicks idk if jts the teen age hormones menstruation or me just over reacting but I'm angry and cmat deal with this shit sobbing rn but here's no privacy in this damm house I have no rooms even tho my brothers tho can't lock no doors no ii dropped a quikt over my self put the ac on and hope I don't get a heat stroke I'm already fasting tho to the cult known as islam some Muslims are nice and shit but I don't want to be in this cult where I can't even be bisexual in peace but I prefer not be stoned to death even tho that would mean I die and I don't have to deal with this shit but fuck I can't day before I tell my family to fuck off eat ass telll them u shouldn't children amd send them a pic of my kissing a women that would be funny but goddam I can't deal with the fact my brothers and steal my shit be bifchy hurt me whatever and if I complain I get the same damm response

Brothers are just like that

Fuck the best I get is my nice aunt saying they should be nicer I can't deal with my mother's telling me weather she disciples them or not there gonna be like that mo birth giver this sis your fualt I'm a bit bitchy at times but I'm fine amd our westerners magic or some shit or are there boys women in discise no matter what I do they arnt gonna take me seriously fuck once I told my mother I tried to kill me self (it was bout something stupid lol) she went on and on about that would ruin there reputation and shit fuck amd the thing is I'm self aware his shit is wrong but fuck I'm a supposed to do about it I'm here sobbing under a quilt having a heat stroke but the thing I ain't making a single noise beacuse I masterd the art of crying silent I hold my breath then I take a breath quickly so nothing goes out fuck I wanna draw but I can't beacuse my brothers lost my coulers reasonable I still have more then enough to draw beacuse it was a big set with 2 hundred coukers but jt a gift and my maybe autistic ass can deal with so many of them missing I want my set back I want my fans sharpener and fancy eraser back I lost one couler man ONE YET THERES still so many missing my brothers call me so many names yet they go off scott free I have afew online freid s one I vent to but he made the mistake kf being born a boy and I'm a girl so no I can't talk to him fuck and I have no privacy my mom says no privacy till marriage but maybe thags my fault for being bad with technology I changed changed my accounts to my on only a matter of time till my brothers complain to mum about it but my acount was made by brother but I forgot that so I have have find out how to change that if possible amd my conversations are spied by my brothers its so unfair maybe its just a hormonsbut I can't dealcwih this shit why is everything my fault I have half mind mind cut of my breasts and vagina and did I mention I can't run bescuse my chest is developing and I lady shouldn't run and shit while my brother can go fuck of and play football I understand that thers ba dpeople who want ogle at breats and I understand I'm developing my chest a bit earlier then other but dose that mean the little child hood I have should be takes from me should I filch from my mother while my brothers don't why do I have so many more rules that others don't I can't deal with this man I can't I'm so depressed I'm not even writing poetry like usual why are my hobby cringe and weird but when my brothers do it it's different and cool my one escapism famfictions where no matter how much shit tommy goes throw he eventually gets his found family and a happy ending but why don't I!!! Its unfair I go throw dukble the hurt none the fluff my brothers constantly shit on it why are you reading GAY fanfictions when jts gen GEN only reason they think it's gay is because they can't read the tags and think the fact

Tommy innt talks to tubbo

Means tommy is violently fucking him il admit I read original smut time to time but get it right I would never read shut about real people even if it's about the characters my brothers also fuckin gread fanics one of my brother lotions to narouto fnafics the other used to write jojo fan fics prob still dose maybe but I was the only one he felt safe and comfortable enough to show what changed! Now he shots on the fact I write and read i would never think about showing him what I write he tales my things and gets no consequences I'm younger and a bit weaker so I can't even hit him if i do he hits my harder then I scolded this is so fucking unfair i just what someone who o cam show my things who I can love maybe I read to much fanfics of happy endings but lord i wish I could get a time skip to my happy ending skip my hurt I could spend this time writing my storys next chapter but gods I don't want to do anything nowadays I know the reason I want to into the sport club is so I can spend less time at my home call it escapism if you want but gods I don't know man i just don't wanna do this I wanna leave every one is my family sucks but I still love them and that's why it hurts I don't wanna do any of this I don't want to be Muslim I don't wanna be in the closet I don't want to hide hiw fuckimg feminist I am my brothers will proudly say

They hate Indians and there racist they will be say there transphobic homophobic racist sexsist abalist etc my fucking freind is a gay trans man who's autist I'm freinds with a Indian online I think women are fucking sexy I belive everyone deserves rights I don't agree with anything of them I almost wish I was worse all those bad things just so i cam fit in I get so jealous when I read fanfics of loving sibling dynamics now a days why can't I have that Why it's just so unfair I don't wanna do this I don't wanna do this gods I'm blaming this on my peiord but before I leave why the fuck is that so tabbo man why half the population dose it so why do I have to hide it man why are man's so macho when they can't handle the thought that i bleed of my vagina I can't deal with this bullshit man I can't being a women sucks i wanna kiss a girl fuck boy kisser I wanna be a girl kisser women are sexy and oh did i mention what a fucked up relationship I have with my body i once got sick as fuck and my mother said that atleast I'm losing so much weight beacuse of this like mom that's not a good thing I like the compliments I get but it's not worth being hungry and I'm still fat it's so unfair i can't deal with this shit no one fuckinb knows I'm crying bescuse I'm crying so silently when I want to scream so bad rn I'm natursly a scream Cryer but I had to master being silent gods I don't wanna live like this

Peace out yall love your self drink water

I'm gonna go kill my self/jkjk

[devil-doll13]

Inspired by @rottent33th and her OCs to create my own! I hope you all like her lol this is kind of a WIP I just wanted to get my ideas down.

Abigail Williams 🖤

Name: Abigail Williams

Meaning: ‘Joy of the Father’

Alias(es): Abby, The Witch (I only call her this for convenience but that’s basically what she is lol)

Pronouns: She/Her

Age: 23

D.O.B: November 1st

Zodiac Sign: Scorpio

Sexual Orientation: Bisexual

Current Residence: Unknown

Occupation: N/A

Appearance Description: She is a young woman with pale skin, long wavy black hair reaching down to her hips, and green eyes. On the slimmer side, a little angular and bony.

Style: Black dresses. Black boots. Lace. Fishnets. Chokers. Silver Jewellery. Dark Makeup. On lazy/hot days band tees and black jeans/shorts/leggings.

Height: 5,1ft

Eye Colour: Green

Hair Colour: Black

Notable Features: Eye-bags from lack of sleep, little scratches on her hands from cats. Also has numerous scars on her arms and some on her legs. A more notable scar is from a knife near her ribcage where her heart would be, faded with time. Her veins are dark and prominent. Twirls her hair as a habit. Smells like mist and petrichor.

Personality: An introvert. A little shy. Calm & quiet. Private and can be secretive. A gentle lady, can be very sweet towards those she cares about. Creative and passionate, can get stuck in her own head with her thoughts. Thinks a lot. Feels deeply but this isn’t entirely obvious, as she is generally subtle about it. Artistic, has a great appreciation for aesthetics. Sentimental with a love of the romantic and a flair for the dramatic at times. Enjoys dark humour, can be quite grim in general. A bit whimsical, prone to flights of fancy that may seem to come out of the blue. She has the capacity for intense love and attachment but isn’t sure if she can trust anyone that much anymore. Can be destructive, vindictive and revengeful at her absolute worst.

Likes: Cats, The Moon, The Night, Candles, Roses, Graveyards, Spiderwebs, Autumn, Forests, Snakes, Ravens/Crows, Bats, Thunderstorms, Cinnamon.

Dislikes: Alcohol, Sand, Peanut Butter, Extremely Hot Weather, Being In The City For Too Long, Religion/Priests, Gossip, Parrots, Large Crowds.

Hobbies: Drawing/Painting, Reading, Dancing, Writing Poetry, Collecting Bones, Cooking/Baking.

Rough Backstory

Tw: Death

The circumstances surrounding Abigail’s conception are still unclear, as no one knows who the father was, or how her mother got pregnant. What is known is that her mother Lucy gave birth in a local cemetery on the 1st of November, probably just after midnight. She had most likely died from a combination of malnourishment, injuries (from some kind of beating she’d apparently had) and the strain of giving birth, but the baby girl was healthy. Her cries alerted the elderly undertaker, who rescued her and got in contact with the rest of her family.

Named Abigail after her deceased grandmother, there seemed to be a black mark on the girl since the day she was born. Her mother was a dark secret of sorts, cast out and disowned for some grave sin that was never to be spoken of again. Abigail was similarly a black sheep, down to the colour of her hair, which was a pitch black. This was unheard of in the women of her family, all blondes and redheads. It must have come from her father, they said. (although he was never found out…) Still, her relatives were under obligation to take her in as their own.

Abigail was a quiet child, and whimsical in her ways. Not a bad one by any means, but very strange, with strange little habits. Mysterious, some might even say supernatural occurrences were common around her. She was already distant from the rest of her family, but this made it even more difficult for any of them to connect with her. Abigail also had a hard time making friends with other children, and so instead she spent her time alone.

As time passed, the mysterious happenings started to become more prevalent. More sinister. Someone would fall down a flight of stairs and break their neck, or become horribly sick and then suddenly feel well again, only to become sick yet again... (It was noticeable because she never became sick alongside them.) Doors and cabinets would slam shut and lock themselves, furniture would be set ablaze without warning, a deathly chill would follow her in a bad mood. Death, illness and misfortune seemed to follow her around wherever she went. This led to her having to move around to different relatives during different periods of her life. Some of the more superstitious ones held the belief that she was cursed, whether they said it aloud or not. No one could prove anything either way. Only one called an exorcist, and died soon after from an accident.

Around the time of puberty, the innocence of her childhood had been lost and she began to become more aware. She would think it all over and soon became very interested in the circumstances surrounding her mother as well. All she knew (because it was never spoken of, as a rule) was that whatever it was, it had apparently killed her Grandmother, the one whose name she shared. She learned to become secretive, not openly speaking about or showing what she would do in the past. Abigail would become very interested in the occult around this time, although she always had knowledge of such things deep inside, as if it was as easy as breathing. She remembered one time a blackbird she had been preserving had suddenly sprung to life, just after the death of her aunt. Then came back all the times she had spoken to the children up in the attic of an old house she once lived in, and how their names were etched on a gravestone from 1907. She did not think much of it as a child, but it had all begun to add up. Abigail realised then she was not a normal person at all.

All of this would culminate in a particularly horrific incident near her 18th birthday, and after this she would disappear altogether. Now she wanders all over America in search of shelter, a purpose, to know why she is the way she is, to find others like her. There is something off about her that people still pick up on, something otherworldly, so when she comes into town there is always a sense of foreboding and doom that comes with her…

Fun Facts

Her favourite book is Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë.

Her favourite film is Evil Dead

Her favourite bands are The Cure, Siouxsie & The Banshees, Type O Negative, Bathory and Mercyful Fate.

Her favourite colour is Black (No. 1) But she is partial to red, green and purple as well.

Her favourite foods are apples and pie. And apple pie lol

Her favourite drink is coffee

She doesn’t like anyone calling her Abby except someone she’s very close to. It feels too personal. And there’s really no one like that anyway.

She did not know her mother but still loves her despises anyone insulting her. Abigail will always believe she was a good person despite what anyone else said.

It’s most likely her mother was involved in a cult or a witch coven or some kind, at least from what she’s found out in her investigations.

As a child she was very attached to her dolly, and even today she secretly enjoys cuddling stuffed animals. She’d be mortified if anyone knew about this though. (The doll was given to her by the man who found her as a baby, but was stolen or lost at some point. She was devastated about this)

Is sentimental in general, and with things she has emotional attachment to she always takes very good care of. Any gift is treasured.

Has a small collection of animal bones in a box she’s been keeping since she was a child.

She likes dogs, (she likes most animals really) but they don’t like her. They seem to sense something off about her and will either become unusually aggressive or afraid, whining and cowering away. On the other hand, cats adore her and even the most antisocial ones will approach her for scritches and pets. The feeling is certainly mutual. She has an affinity for crows/ravens, bats, reptiles and frogs/toads as well.

She has undergone an exorcism before. It didn’t work. (It did leave her with some trauma though.)

Has a touch of insomnia. She’ll often wake up past midnight for no explainable reason, filled with some strange energy.

Her dreams are often vivid and intense, they are strange to the point where she would keep note of them in a diary to try and understand them. Not nightmares necessarily, but they really knock the breath out of her and leave her in a state. Sometimes the feeling is more euphoric, because they were wonderful dreams.

She is good at sewing and handicrafts, having been taught by one of her relatives as a child. Has made/modified some of her own clothes as well. Finds the process quite calming.

Due to her wanderings she isn’t employed, but she has her own ways of getting the money she needs generally. She’s never really had a stable home anyway so she’s used to it, although some part of her longs for a home to call her own.

She can drive and enjoys doing so, there’s something peaceful about it. She prefers it to taking public transport or hitchhiking.

As a child under the custody of her relatives she travelled mostly around the mid-west of America. The graveyard she was born in was located in north-central Massachusetts however.

Abigail doesn’t like big crowds, but that dislike seems to not matter when it comes to music. Her trips to larger cities often have her searching music venues and goth clubs to go dancing in. It’s something she’s always enjoyed.

Has a distinctive laugh, like a cackle. A little embarrassed/insecure about it.

Her name was inspired by Abigail Williams, one of the girls involved in the Salem Witch trials.

Her cousin, Judith Bell, is a hunter of the supernatural. She became one after an encounter with Abigail. (I’ll probably write a story about this one at some point! She’s sort of like her final girl)

(Credit to @decayedgrave for gif)