#too bad i can’t do shit now
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i have this one song that i have always imagined endo fucking me to and i’m kinda mad bc now every time i hear it i just get turned on
#like what if i just want to chill. and listen to music#and mind my business#too bad i can’t do shit now#sigh#unzips pants#venus beyond the grave — ♱#ahdhahdhahdagsffdjfjshdjd
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Do you sleep with socks on
this is such a random ask that I feel like i’m morally required to answer it lol
and the answer is- this ✨mysterious✨ museum curator obviously never sleeps soooo that answers your question :)
#ask#the hellsite answers#anonymous#hellsite hall of fame curator’s bullshit#shitpost#shit post#also I actually haven’t been sleeping and just have been spending every waking moment texting#because like if I wasn’t a ✨mystery✨on here i’d SCREAM FROM THE TOO OF MY LUNGS THAT I HAVE A WONDERFUL GIRLFRIEND NOW#AND AM TOO DISTRACTED TO DO ANYTHING ELSE BUT TALK WITH HER AND AAAHHH#but i’m a complete and total ✨mystery✨ so i’m totally not saying that ahahaha nope#mysterious museum curator tour guide barbie obviously isn’t saying that and totally can contain her excitement and be so so chill about this#hahaha of course#you know it’s bad when I can’t help but EMOTION POST ON MY HHOF BLOG AAAHHH#help y’all I have to chill#definitely delete this tags later oops#I can’t not post them tho or I might explode#but also#like I didn’t post the other day for the first time in like 4 months#like wtf#am too busyyyyyy aaaahhh#this is when someone needs to scream ‘go to sleep miss curator’ into the void bc I might need that oops#this is a mega shitpost wow
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Been having a rough couple of days. Send me asks?
#Long story short: I’m quitting my job! Yippee!! 🎉#Don’t wanna get TOO into it but I’m so fucking tired of being treated like shit and getting blamed for things completely out of my control#I’m done. I’ve BEEN done for months at this point#And now it’s at the point where my boss doesn’t think I’m doing my job right bc she keeps finding issues that again. Aren’t my fault#I’m sorry I can’t control everything for you! I don’t have that kind of power! I can’t make things magically happen the way you want!!#My other coworkers have been undergoing the same bullshit treatment so I know I’m not alone#But yeah I’m getting the hell out of dodge. My mental health has been sooooooo bad lately#I cannae. I’m going to end up dead in a ditch at this rate#Had the WORST panic attack of my life yesterday and my mom and I were both like. Yeah. It’s time for you to leave#Have fun running the department without me! Bye!! :)))))#Shima speaks#Vent#Anyway I’m a goddamn mess. Sorry. Lol!#I’m dreading going back to work on Monday I would literally rather claw my own eyeballs out#It SUCKS bc I know none of this is my fault but I still feel like shit anyway.#And I WANT to draw bc it’s the one thing that makes me happy but I just#Can’t. Right now. I’m not in a good emotional state#It feels like physical torture to sit down at my desk and put my pen to my tablet#Slams my head into the wall#I’m soooo tired girlies. I’m so over it#Anyway. Send me asks. Keep me company while I try not to have another breakdown. Tee hee <3
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Tomorrow Is Election Day And I Am So Fucking Stressed
#marzi speaks#marzivents#hi folks. i haven’t been making much art lately. apologies! i want to be#unfortunately shit is Stressful in both my little world (i’m starting to get overwhelmed with my meds and refills and driving)#and on a broader more societal scale (if trump gets re-elected shit is going to go so fucking bad oh my god)#PLUS we’re in the It Gets Dark At 6PM Zone now#i think i’ve lowkey been catastrophizing a bit with all that’s been going on#i should probs look into those psych referrals my doctor gave me#she offered them bc the almost-dying earlier this year was Traumatic and i was showing signs of anxiety/depression#but i think they’ll just be helpful in general#god though i hate being on prescriptions. it feels like there’s a constant timer hanging over my head#refill these pills before this time so you don’t have to miss a day. woops! the pharmacy’s out of stock on this one#so you’ll have to come back at another less convenient time. fail to do so and the medication goes on hold#which requires a phone call where you speak to a Robot that may not understand the nuances of ur situation#grrrgh it sucks so bad. thankfully i refilled my prednisone the other day and have like 3 months’ worth now#and that’s the one i really can’t afford to miss bc steroid withdrawals could really fuck me up#but uggghhh i hate it. so much. bc it looms over me always#i hate keeping track of when i’ve taken my pills too. i keep a checklist for every day#so i remember what i have to take and if i’ve taken it#but god it sucks. i’m at the point where it’s basically routine now so i do it automatically#but i know if i stop monitoring i’m gonna forget if i’ve taken my steroid one day#and either double dose or skip the day. and that’ll fuck me up pretty good#anyways. hoping hoping hoping this election goes well bc idk if i can take it if our country tis of thee elects the fucking fascist#this one’s fine to rb. i think many of us share this sentiment lmao
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#this is gonna get real ugly real fucking fast#maya now saying she has shit on louis too#and that there’s so much that she’s thinking about doing a story time#she comes for liam that’s one thing#but louis???? i will fight her#i swear to god#keep my mans name out your damn MOUTH#and you can carry on about believing the victim#i am a victim of SA#and this behaviour? is not fucking it#she’s flip flopped and her daddy is a lawyer and now she’s getting attention#and she’s gonna drag louis into this too because it’s easy to drag him into shit#if she said a single bad fucking word about harry people would go insane#same with Niall#people wouldn’t believe her!!!#but if she says something about louis#non Louies are absolutely gonna fucking believe her#this is gonna get so out of hand#because clout chasers can’t keep their mouths shut#they’ll take her down with a defamation lawsuit for sure#but until then#this is gonna be real nasty
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Everyone, remind me to not trust my dad’s relatives with food and parties because they can’t do even that much the right way. The peoples are so questionable 💀
#— ❥ kelrambles;#.text#also don’t get me started on my jobless cousin telling me she found 5 jobs FOR ME but they all seem just like… scam…#because girl why are you trusting instagram ads now to find yourself a job???? 😭💀#but her finding five jobs for me while she is jobless and with a kid to raise it’s what actually takes me out#albanian relatives feels WAAAAAAY too entitled to thing they shouldn’t be feeling entitled about#literally mind your fucking business???#you the same girl who called me immature when i had a breakdown from stress in the hardest moment of my life#and now you come to me acting like you didn’t project your entire being and existence on me???? bitch go away???#she narcissistic arrogant presumptuous bossy and stuck up as hell because picking only one bad trait felt too insulting to her#literally stop chasing after me and chase after your 4yo son????? 😭#anyways… some peoples needs a reality check and to be humbled so bad#she the same who tells me that i can’t talk back because i dropped out of school… like i wasn’t forced by our relatives to do that lmfao#she has regarded me with the heinous shits EVER since i was a kid but the bad one is always me when i talk back to her 🫥#get so much why diego doesn’t pull up to any family gathering and stays away from these peoples 🤭
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things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs
like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something
#her pain doesn’t seem to be too bad now that she’s got pain relief so idk what’s stopping her from sleeping#she won’t even lie down unless i’m sitting next to her. she just sits there staring out the window#her pupils are also taking up her entire eyes and have been all day#that’ll be a side effect of the medication and maybe the lack of sleep? but it won’t be making her feel any better#she can probably barely see at this point#like imagine you’ve been awake for 2 days after surgery and you’re in a lot of pain and haven’t eaten since before surgery#and are also on strong painkillers. and you also have no idea what’s wrong with you or why everyone’s doing things that hurt you#bruh your brain would be COOKED. there’s no way she has any idea what’s going on rn but she’s clearly feeling terrible#personal#like i think she’ll be ok in the long-term but she’s gotta somehow get through all these immediate issues#last time something like this happened she stopped drinking and never started again#not eating or sleeping don’t have workarounds as simple as putting water in her food#it really doesn’t help that there’s so much other shit going on rn#i’m doing a whole bunch of stuff with my phone and computer that’s taking a lot of work#but also my sister’s going on a long overseas trip that she’s leaving for tomorrow#so the combo of dad and sister coming and going constantly and also like 6 random deliveries for tech stuff in the last 2 days—#has the dogs really wound up. so georgie’s been howling at absolutely everything#and it’s rainy so my clothes aren’t trying and they’re hanging on a rack hooked on the hallway door so the door can’t close#which puts one less door between my room and the dogs so they’re waking me up every time anything happens#and i sleep during the day so that’s ALL THE TIME. i’ve had like 8 hrs of sleep between the last two afternoons#my sister always has so much random life stuff she wants to talk about and was getting really annoyed that i wasn’t very receptive#like ‘im about to go away for 3 months’ sorry i know its a big thing but i can’t just reschedule peach’s medical emergency
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absolutely loveeeee when i can’t sleep because i’m plagued with the feeling that i’m the worst person to walk this earth 🤭
#feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world <3 anyways#this is stupid but. i just need to get this shit out#getting bad grades on finals right after my friends do nothing to celebrate my birthday is so fun#that sounds so superficial but !!!! i’ve done something for. every. one. of. their. birthdays. over the last year#it just makes me sad because it confirms i AM and always will be the second choice friend#i feel like my fianc hates me all the time right now too but. that comes with the self deprecation me think#and to top it off my doctor says i’m f*t so 🥳 i hateeeeee myself#i just need to cry. sowwy#sitting in bed crying silently because i can’t do anything right <3
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#think I need to delete TikTok#been on the bad side and been getting pro life debaters on my fyp#finally decided to go up and say something cause I was getting so annoyed and upset#OH BOY that was a bad decision#never ever doing that again#and this is why I can’t go out and be around normal people#I can’t even talk to a stranger online#I’m literally shaking and bawling right now#it’s 5:43am and I meant to go to bed like 3 hours ago#wanted to post on TikTok and see if I could get any $$ cause I’m desperate#but nah that ain’t gonna happen cause people suck and I hate everyone and anything I make would be shit#and I can’t do anything right#basically I was trying to explain that mental health comes into play too… that abortion isn’t just black and white#I should have known before I even tried that first of all he’s a male and he wasn’t listening to anyone talk#I just have so many things I want to say but no one to say them#and it was a smaller live so I was like why not and fuck that fuck that fuck that nope#too mentally ill for that 🙃#gonna try and go to bed and calm down my heart#sorry I haven’t been posting or on much…. been struggling more than words could ever express#php helped and I felt a glimmer of hope for a day and a half and ever since it’s just been a downward nonstop spiral#love you all and hope you guys are doing okay 🫶#just needed to vent lol and since I have no friends y’all get to hear it 👌#shut up rosie
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Person A: Do you want a beer? I’m paying.
Person B, going through the restaurant’s menu: No. Ugh, where’s the good stuff?
Person A, half jokingly: I thought you were an alcoholic.
Person B: Exactly. I’d need at least, like, four beers — without food — to get slightly buzzed, and my stomach can’t fit over 2 beers in it. I’m small. I’ll have a rum, neat.
#source: me#incorrect quotes#incorrect quotes ideas#incorrect quotes prompts#tw: drug mention#tw: drugs#i used to be so small when all i did was heroin and ketamine. since i started drinking (i only started drinking every night because the-#-opiate withdrawal was so fucking bad alcohol was the only thing that kept my legs from kicking all night long and my skin from feeling-#-like it was on cold wet fire somehow)#anyway. when all i did was opiates ™ i was like 45 kg and i’m 165 aka 5’5 like i looked like a sickly model#now it’s only been a month drinking and not doing morphine or some shit and i already gained 12 kg it’s insane i’m like almost 60 kg now#i’m queueing this for a month from now so hopefully it’ll have been 2 months when this gets posted#and like i say i’m an alcoholic cause i don’t think it’s normal to drink like 5 nights a week but i’m not chemically dependent on it like i-#-was with opiates like i’m sober half the time. ive never done surgery while drunk for instance. there was this one time i had just had 4-#-shots in the bathroom in secret cause i was having a panic attack and didn’t know what else to do but anyway.#and they asked me if i wanted to close up on a tubal ligation and i passed on the opportunity even though i was Fine bc idk i just didn’t-#-feel good ab it. which is more than i can say for my professor tbh#like some other medical intern said ‘wow it must be so hard having to be On Call 24/7. like i bet u can’t even drink’#and he said ‘oh come on surgeons have lives too. in fact i drank more than a few beers just a few hours ago lol’ and proceeded to cut-#-someone open#anyway. yeah. i don’t get drunk at work yk#felt like i had to make that clear
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I need to be put in a waffle iron or something
#i am. really stressed!!#i hate being online i keep losing friends#Majority of them did shitty stuff to me and it makes me so sad#I already have trust problems so when people come and say theyll always be here for me and then the next thing i know im blocked because i#Expressed my discomfort about something shitty they did it makes those trust issues even worse#We were pretty close and now i regret telling him shit because he could use it against me#And im starting to fall out with my “best friend” irl. Everything is making me sick#I can’t do this anymore I really want to disappear#There has to be something about me so repulsive to people#That i just turn them away#its gonna be like that for the rest of my life isnt it? I probably wont even get a partner in the future#I just don’t know why I fuck up every friendship so bad even if it wasnt. My fault#I shouldve kept my mouth shut even if i was uncomfortable#my last friendships ended like this too#I caused a huge server fight by saying I was uncomfy and I’m pretty sure everyone hates me now because of it#even though some said they werent#I am just really lonely and feel like a piece of shit#Because I am one#I don’t really know if I want to keep being here anymore#I genuinely think nobody likes me#Even when I was in school nobody liked me#I was the “weird girl”#I just wish I was normal and likeable and then maybe I’d have friends irl#I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I’ve considered suicide over it multiple times#I ruin everything#My friendships. My life. My parents marriage. My art. Everything.#I doubt anyone will read this or gaf so just. ignore me
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Currently feel like I’ve been hit by a truck, hope you all are faring better than me lol
#Bro I was so. SO fucking sick last night#It was legitimately awful. Like there was a point where I thought ‘dying would be better than this’#I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this sick#Emetophobia tw ahead—#But yeah I was throwing up like all night#And it was freezing inside the house so I was having like. MAJOR chills#I probably also had a fever at the time too fjdnndn#My body is so sore and achy it really does feel like I’ve been hit by a car#Just the combo of being in pain + being nauseous + having severe chills#And you know that feeling right before you throw up where you get the shivers so bad. IT WAS THE WORST. THE WORST!!!!!#I actually had to lie on my back for most of the night bc that helped curb the nausea a little#But ooough. The torture ladies and gents.#I still feel like shit but not nearly as bad as last night#Nausea’s gone now (thank GOD)#Hey do not get sick 0/10 do not recommend ever.#Shima speaks#Help I’m so achy and tired and sore and I just wanna sleep. My body will not let me tho 😭
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i feel like i’ve been WAITING for the other shoe to drop wrt people’s opinions about watcher for this very reason. not that i think the reaction is completely not understandable but the greater the parasocial relationship, the greater the fallout as soon as public opinion shifts. you don’t have a relationship with these people they’re just content creators, chill
#ready to see all the people coming out of the woodwork to say how they’ve never liked watcher/unsolved/etc#and act like it’s ‘cringe’ now that their fanbase feels ‘betrayed’#it’s great to have a fanbase but parasocial relationships will bite you in the ass every single time#it’s interesting too though because i’ve seen watcher have a LOT of support as they’ve tried to build something separate from buzzfeed#so this is the first time they’re getting real pushback about a decision they’ve made wrt shifting their platform/expanding their brand#so ig we’ll have to see how they react moving forward#but it’s soooo interesting to see how enthusiastically people dump on buzzfeed#AND how many people dump on youtube and how over the years so much of its functionality has been stripped away#how many ads you have to sit through. how much sponsored content there is now. etc#but when they try to do the same thing with youtube that they did with buzzfeed it’s like how dare you not lick their boots#because if you lick their boots and we lick their boots we can watch stuff for free#anyway.#even if you don’t any to say it’s a bad business decision. it’s not like there’s not precedent for it#1) the move away from buzzfeed was successful and 2) what about the dnd shows or whatever#don’t you guys watch those dnd shows that are ‘behind a paywall’#don’t you guys have netflix hulu disney hbo amazon etc ad nauseum that are actually owned by billion dollar corporations#don’t you guys get on your high horses about supporting independent artists all the time#it’s interesting that people will profess to be such big fans!!! and feel like they’re friends!!!!#but how dare they think their work might be worth paying for#idk. idk. it’s entitlement though#sorry for the rant i’m ALSO not trying to blindly defend a bunch of people i don’t know#but you guys are being soooo fucking annoying about it lol#anyway i’m still waiting to see what their response is going to be from here before jumping to conclusions#also to be fair i am biased to be lenient about decisions made by independent filmmakers vs big studios etc#like everybody freaking out about the ai art used in late night with the devil. who cares honestly#‘they should’ve paid a real artist!!’ idk maybe their budget didn’t cover that#i don’t want it to become the industry norm but at the end of the day i would rather see indie shit getting made then only seeing#the big studios (who don’t have equitable practices anyway!!) making shit#but that’s another conversation. just to be transparent about my viewpoint on this kind of thing#maybe controversial but also can’t we have nuance. for once.
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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someone pointed out something I did the other day that I didn’t really notice I do and then I was like….. yeah why do I do that and turns out it’s stimming. And apparently I do it. A lot.
#discovering behaviors that you’ve been doing your whole life that people found weird and annoying is stimming is fun!#… haha. ha.#person at work last night: is your shoulder feeling ok? I saw you kind of holding it#me who is constantly putting my left hand on my right shoulder: uhhhhhh…. no. I don’t know why I do that#me googling it about 30 mins laters: 🧍♀️#I mean on the one hand it’s nice that they’re adhd behaviors rather than like…. moral deficiencies I guess#but now I can’t unsee it#it’s an innocuous behavior that is going to make me super self conscious now#I’ve seen… very few (I can think of 2 on the top of my head) docs that I know or work with#that I’ve seen do stuff like this. but they’re both men and they’re both clearly hyperactive adhd#maybe other people are medicated or just better at masking#it’s nice to have a nice to a lot of the struggles of my entire life honestly#but it’s not like it makes it not a struggle or makes people mroe sympathetic#like my husband has the classic hyperactive adhd#and my forgetfulness and messiness drives him absolutely crazy#but his hyperactivity and emotional volatility drives ME crazy#and telling my mother about the diagnosis and what it means and she’s like#’oh I totally have that too!’ yeah maybe you do#but see it was YOU that told me I was a bad person for forgetting things#and YOU that said I was lazy and a slob for having difficulty keeping things organized#and YOU that would smack my hands when I’d pick at my nails and tell me it’s a disgusting hav#and YOU that STILL tells people that your physician daughter ‘gives up on everything!’#…….. do I have some bitterness to work out maybe#🤔#what was this about?#oh yeah anyway. I hope people don’t notice I do this shit#and if they do they don’t know what it means#….uh.#personal?
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I should not be this chronically exhausted both physically and mentally at this age.
#today I have been put thru the ringer and I am not ok#I’m tired of everyone and their momma istg#I wanna cry but also have no right to cry#I’m venting now in the tags just ignore me please#but FUCK#when do I get a break with this shit show I call my life#have no money yet whenever I’m sad I spend my savings to make me feel better#I hate my job and wanna call out but also know I can’t because it’ll reflect my rent check#Cali is too expensive and health insurance is a joke#kinda wanna sell all my funkos now because I’m over my bad spending habits#wanna go to school but that costs money#kinda wanna get a one way plane ticket and not tell anyone#and then there’s my mom crying her heart out because of her pos husband who wants to say mean vile things to her#hearing your mom cry is not a good feeling
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