#the peace i feel during this time
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On average, what is the total MONTHLY amount that you spend on dining out*?
*(This doesn't only count going out to restaurants, but also stuff like picking up fast food to bring home, getting a coffee on the way to work, getting a premade sandwich from a grocery store deli during lunch, buying a quick snack from a convenience store or food cart whilst walking somewhere, ordering a pizza or any other food to be delivered to your home, etc.)
*(If you often dine out in groups/as a household: calculate and divide the costs so that you get a Per Person average. This is for YOU individually, NOT the total household/group costs)
(I'm sure polls similar to this have been made before (very common topic), I just haven't personally seen one that I can remember, so, I was curious to do my own! I was discussing this with a group of people today and it was very interesting to see how widely the number varied between individuals. :0c )
(Reblog for bigger sample size if you can, and feel free to explain your answer in tags if there's anything extra to add!)
#polls#tumblr polls#I'm mostly in the 0/1 - 25$ category. Maybe the rare month is a bit over $25 if there's something specific going on like birthday.#Which I'm NEVER eating in an actual restaurant (erm... covid... plus I just hate restaurant environments. i would rather pickup#the food and bring it home to a peaceful quiet environment that I control lol). But more typically like stopping by a grocery store deli#section or something. I don't have coffee that much. And I can't eat fast food much due to my health issues/diet restriction stuff#so if I'm out like coming back from an appointment and I start feeling really sick and weak. I know that a hamburger will just#blow up my system and cause nausea or something. So I try to pick the breadiest most#neutral looking turkey sandwich at the safeway deli to eat during the hour ride home or whatever lol#I actually kind of wish I could do stuff like get food more often vecause it would take the burden of cooking everything off of me#but.. alas... Money... and Health Things... T o T#I still wouldn't do it ALL the time but like... once a week instead of once a month or something.. or maybe turning into a coffee#person.. I do love drinks A LOT .. i am a drink person who will have 5 different drinks sipping on at all times#But i just have to make them all myself mostly lol#And I cant really have too much coffee since it will make me sick. so like.. teas and juice mostly#When I inevitably become a millionaire by never using social media never networking and only finishing one#sculpture every 5 months which I dont even post about or sell - then I shall... get more drinks..#I will somehow wean my body onto coffee and drink one a day solely for the ritual of it#Though even then... I would still probably just like.. buy the mateirals to make it at home or something#Like if you had a million dollars you could just buy a kitchen grade ice cream machine and other stuff to make your own milkshakes and#coffees and smoothies and bubble teas. Genuinely I think even if I were a BILLIONAIRE I would still look at playing likr $8 for a single#coffee and go .. uh.... I could just buy the equipment to make this and then save that money. PLUS. its in my house now so no need to#have to leave. I can make my own drinks in the comfort of home. .. ideal..#Like no matter how rich I ever got I would still have the lingering scroogey stinginess. like i am NOT paying for that. I will jus#make it myself. Especially if it was an Everyday thing. Anythign thats part of my routine I try to optimize and make as efficient as#possible... ANYWAY.. In an IDEAL world I would get treats. but probably not that much. as on a daily basis it would start to get#to me and I would just save up to buy kitchen machinery if I was rich lol
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Small detour of what I usually post, but I absolutely wish (other) clown the best of luck during these confusing and almost hopeless times- nobody knows how to deal with such amount of attention in such short amount of time- a blessing and a curse to behold
#Seeing their posts absolutely shattered me#I may never be able to relate to how he’s going through rn but at least I can relate to the fear of living in absolute fear#the fear of unable to be yourself in your own home with creative and personal freedom#The fear of being terrified that the thing that gives you the most innocent happiness will be heavily demonized and threatened#The fear of getting caught doing something you love and being yourself with your found identity#The fear of destruction#I relate heavily to this and to feel you are going to be caught doing anything that isn’t a crime hurts#I wish him safety and love during these stressful days#He’s brought so much joy to my life that I must keep private irl too#Whatever he decides for the fandom I will fully support it#I will still continue posting of course unless he wishes otherwise#If he sees this (which I doubt) hey other clown lmao- you are loved and not alone#It may be scary but you are not alone- you will never be alone#There will always be people out there who love you and there will always be those who are not even worth giving time of day#The internet is both a blessing and a cruel cruel unforgiving place#I hope it doesn’t deter you from doing what you love and hold dear#I hope you have anyone you can be with online or in irl that can give you the comfort you need#You deserve peace and security#Do what you feel is best#Welcome home
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It's the modernization it's the mechanization it's the way the old world has to die for the new world to be born and by killing gortash you've slowed it down but you haven't stopped it because ideas can't be stopped and the industrial world that will destroy your way of life is coming and you can't stop it by killing him any more than the luddites could stop it by smashing up a few factory machines
#enver gortash#bg3#Sorry I'm obsessed with turning points#Where we all stare into the looming future and have to decide whether to fight back or let it wash over us or even welcome it#Times and places where we can see the world change#And I think this is one of those points for faerun (or at least bg3s version of faerun)#But God. Yeah. Turning points. Times and places where you can see the new world beginning to take shape#fascinating!#So many of my dnd campaigns are about it#My current one about the creation and development of the administrative and bureaucratic state and how that changes a country#Another about border countries between an expansionist empire and the sea who've had peace but now feel the empire's eyes upon them#Yet another set in a monarchy surrounded by other monarchies that have undergone revolutions (some successful some not)#God just thinking about this and gortash is making me want a campaign set during the industrial revolution
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- Yuma... Someday, once again, we will... -
Rank 55: Yuma Jet!!
#This is the last time we see Astral in the manga#and the first time I saw this scene I felt a terrible sense of void#and even after having reread this ending so many times I can still feel that feeling of hollowness in my heart#seeing him like this makes my heart weep#At first I didn't even notice that Astral's body was slowly becoming stone#when I then noticed it I became even more despaired about him than before#Astral's fate is a tragedy with a promise of hope#the hope of Yuma living a wonderful life and of being able to see him again#And the fact that he smiles#he keeps thinking about Yuma even in his last moments#thinking about a future where they will meet again#I also can't stop thinking about how Astral is holding Yuma's tears close to him#the tears that Yuma had shed for him during their goodbye#Yuma is Astral's last thought before he became stone#I think I already said that millions of time but I will say this again: I really need to hug Astral#I want him to be safe and happy#I just can't watch his expression of peace and don't be heartbroken about him#I care about him so much#astral zexal#astral yugioh#zexal#yugioh zexal#yu gi oh zexal#ygo zexal#zexal manga#zexal manga spoiler#(I think this is the scene with more editing)#(I basically deleted the entire background and then put the frames to make this post coherent with the other)#(It was a little difficult and it's not perfect but I'm happy with the result!)#(If you've come this far: hi! Thank you for looking at my post!)
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I’m genuinely so sad for Liam’s family (especially his young son) and the other one direction members but I am also sad for the people who’ve recently come forward with stories of experiencing predatory behavior from him and how they will most likely be blamed and shamed for coming forward
Everyone deserved better in this situation
#liam payne#one direction#like I’m mourning the fact that I grew up with him#and now he’s just gone#I’m also mourning who I thought he was or could be#and I’m mourning the person he could’ve become if he’d had better support during his time in the band#he spoke extensively about his addiction while in the band and how he was left to his own devices when he should’ve been in treatment#I’m mourning the peace his victims deserve#I’m mourning for the son who lost his father#it’s okay to have hard feelings about this#but don’t go blaming his victims or his family for any of it
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This Alenoaheather AU is bringing me an unholy amount of serotonin and I love it- I’m still just now discovering it and I wish I knew about it sooner😭😭 But question if I may!
So, by the time Noah gets eliminated, where would you say his relationship lies with Alejandro and Heather? Like, does he leave the competition like, “You both tried to play each other, but I ended up playing the both of you, L” Like does he just think that Alejandro and Heather only romantically like each other, and he was just their attempt at emotionally manipulating one another, or does he at least have an idea that they potentially may feel romantically towards him? Honestly I’m just curious about how his elimination would play out between the three of them-
I'm glad other people are enjoying this AU as much as I am. Me and Perp are slowly spreading our Alenoaheather propaganda and it's working.
It's been established that Noah's elimination in this AU will take place at some point in the early post-merge game, probably either China or the Serengeti (though Niagara Falls might work too. We haven't exactly touched on how each challenge can/will play out since this whole concept has been put on the backburner), which gives his dynamic with Heather and Alejandro time to blossom from the initial double fake dating ploy into something more genuine.
Well before his elimination, Noah's been caught in his double-crossing ways; or to be more accurate triple-crossing, since Noah initially decided to play along with both Heather and Alejandro's schemes with the intention of throwing them both under the bus (or at least reaping all of the benefits for himself). But, by the time his ploy is figured out, the three of them have developed genuine feelings for each other.
As such, Heather and Alejandro are hesitant to have him eliminated; sure Noah somehow managing to pull the wool over their eyes for as long as he did was infuriating, but it was also impressive. Like recognises like, and the two biggest schemers in the game can appreciate when they've been outplayed, aggravating as it is, especially when the person who bested them essentially used their own trickery against them. Also, though the two of them would never admit it, both Heather and Alejandro know that they'd honestly miss Noah's caustic company.
Of course, at this point in the competition Heather and Alejandro are still deep in their "rivalry" phase, so it takes the two of them a very convoluted and overcomplicated conversation to figure out that they both share the same sentiment concerning a certain cynic- since every encounter they have with each other is practically a game of backhanded compliments and dancing around the true meaning of their words. It takes even longer for them to come to an agreement, given how stubborn the both of them can be, but eventually they manage to co-operate.
Which is what leads to The Confrontation, the point in the story where the two fake dating plots merge into Heather and Alejandro putting aside their differences to rule the game together, utilizing Noah as their shared right hand man since he's shown a knack for strategy and subterfuge. After all, why would they want to get rid of the one person on the jet who's able to go toe-to-toe with them in terms of scheming, when they can instead keep him around as an accomplice?
At least, that's the excuse they both use. But the two of them internally can't deny that, even if it was all pretend, Noah wasn't a bad "boyfriend" by any means, and they genuinely enjoy his company. In turn, Noah's accepted that neither Heather nor Alejandro are as insufferable as he initially assumed, and that playing along with their grand plots is actually really fun. (And maybe he also likes the two of them, but Noah would never admit that.)
But there's a a whole cast's worth of people on the jet who the trio also have to consider in their plans; it would be super suspicious of all three of them if the flirting and Aleheather's animosity suddenly ceased. No matter how oblivious the rest of the competitors are, a sudden public change in their dynamic would be the equivalent of waving a huge red flag and screaming "hey, we're in an alliance, vote us out!" Very counterintuitive to their goal of winning the competition.
So the three of them resolve to act as they have been during challenges, and sneak off to the confessional when it's most convenient/feasible to do so, where they can plot and scheme away from the rest of the cast.
This means that, at least to everyone else in the game, Noah's still in this weird grey area where he's actively flirting with both Heather and Alejandro. Or, well, "flirting", since I imagine most of the advances would be initiated by the other party and Noah would play the part of the blushing damsel- or more accurately the begrudging but highly amused recipient, since I just can't conceptualise snarky, stoic Noah being the type to get flustered easily.
I imagine The Confrontation would happen somewhere around London timeline wise (it just feels like the most appropriate place to have a major shift in the plot happen, for obvious reasons), which would give the initial fake dating aspect of the AU time to run it's course without getting stale, and allow the three of them to establish their dynamic as a trio before the merge hits. It'd give Alenoaheather around five or six episodes worth of time to grow closer as a trio (from Greece's Pieces to Niagara Brawls, at least) and have their feelings grow and develop at a natural pace, to the point where they acknowledge that, perhaps, not all of the romantic tension between them is fake.
And then, of course, the Fake Cheating Arc happens. Noah's elimination is the catalyst for this section of the plot, which Perp and myself touched on pretty heavily in one of our reblog chains, and at this point in the story Alenoaheather are in a sort of vague kind-of-dating situation; the three of them know there's feelings there, but they're all more invested in the competition (and their manipulation of such) than trying to figure out what exactly is going on between them. Plus, World Tour takes place in 2010- concepts like polyamory weren't exactly common knowledge back then, so the three of them wouldn't have any basis of comparison for what their dynamic is/would be.
That, and the three of them are all fairly emotionally closed off, so getting them to admit genuine feelings for each other and show vulnerableness to anyone would be like pulling teeth. As it stands, they're fairly content to continue acting as a Trickster Trio, contented to leave whatever's going on between them unlabelled for the time being in favour of focusing their time and energy on winning the million. There's an unspoken understanding between the three of them; what they have is special, inconceptual and indescribable by mere words... which is mostly just an excuse for the three of them not to breach the subject, since they have the collective emotional intelligence of a spork.
That doesn't mean they don't love each other. Because they do, even if some of them (Heather and Alejandro) aren't exactly familiar with concepts like "unconditional love" and "loyalty/compassion for someone besides yourself" and "lowering your emotional walls and being the most genuine version of yourself in front of the people who care about you". It's a steep learning curve, but they're doing their best.
But that's besides the point; at this point in the plot, the trio are essentially a throuple in all but name at the point of Noah's elimination.
That's why his suggestion of playing off of his "cheating" is initially met with hesitance on Aleheather's part- they don't want the one person on the jet (besides each other) they actually care about to risk his reputation, but they also know that it's a strategically sound idea. There's a conflict of interest between their desire to win the competition by any means necessary, and the budding sense of empathy they've both began to develop as a result of their situationship.
Of course, they eventually agree to his plan, and then the whole Cheating Arc plays out as it's been explored previously.
Which means Noah's actual elimination ceremony is a very tense affair.
He's intentionally playing himself up as kind of a scumbag during it, since he wants both Heather and Alejandro to appear as sympathetic as possible to the remaining competitors, so the three of them stage an altercation during that day's challenge where Noah's caught out in his "cheating", and consequently "admits" that he's been playing the two of them and it's all ingenuine on his part, to direct the majority vote against him. It'd kill two birds with one stone that way; Noah gets himself eliminated without having to do much out of the ordinary, since he's already kind of an asshole so all he really has to do is play up that aspect of himself a little and lie about manipulating his partners, meanwhile Heather and Alejandro can reap the benefits of whatever brownie points they gain from being his "victims" by using their own manipulative prowess to adopt the role of the ex-villains, redeemed by their shared heartbreak. Or something equally melodramatic.
Noah doesn't really care about the specifics of it, he'll be long gone before his partners can start playing up their "betrayal and heartbreak", and then soon enough one of them will win the competition. And spoil him rotten with their money.
So, during the actual ceremony, Noah becomes persona non grata. No one wants to sit anywhere near him on the benches, and the remaining cast members form a protective wall between him and a distraught Heather, who sniffles back quiet tears every time her eyes wander too close to the cynic's slouching, impassive frame, and Alejandro who's sat eerily still and taut with disgraced fury, who's fiery green eyes haven't strayed from the burning glare he's shooting towards the bookworm.
Not that Noah's a stranger to receiving glares; the rest of the cast are also shooting him some downright murderous looks. Though he is impressed by his partners' acting abilities. He's also physically biting back pearls of laughter- the gritting of his teeth only serves to make him look unapologetically indignant, and thus more irredeemable in the eyes of their company- because every time Alejandro knows that no one's focus is on him, he sends his cerebral partner a cheeky wink and a smirk. The smug bastard.
Unsurprisingly, the vote is fairly unanimous. Chris doesn't even bother trying to raise suspense or tension by counting the votes, since the result is inevitable. That, and the atmosphere is already so tense and dramatic, the host is revelling in it. Chris even goes so far as complimenting Noah for outshining Duncan's cheating fiasco, showing the audience "what real relationship drama looks like", and maybe even congratulating Noah on almost being as heartless as he is.
He's escorted to the Drop of Shame, parachute backpack in tow, but before he can take the plunge he glances back at his audience. A raging sea of hostility greets him, but within the depths of animosity two shining beacons of light greet him. Alejandro and Heather shoot him a fleeting wave, the ghosts of smiles flickering across their features before they continue their flawless acts, but it's enough to reassure Noah that everything will be fine.
(Spoiler alert, things don't end up being fine for Noah.)
Of course this is all just an idea I'm spewing out. Nothing in this AU is set in concrete and it's always open to peer review or change. That's the beauty of public AUs; you can do whatever you want with them!
#is this anything? i just got home from work and sort of typed this out in an exhausted haze#me when i see the word “alenoaheather”: 🏃♂️💨#to be fair i did take a break in the middle of writing this to read kijo's newest fic (it's also alenoaheather and it's INCREDIBLE)#uhhhhh#honestly now i kind of want to make an off-shoot of this au where noah really IS that much of a dick--#and IS playing with their feelings and hits the fortnite Take The L dance during his elimination#“L + Ratio + RIP Bozo + I never loved either of you. Peace ✌”#but for this au. yeah. they love each other so much. it's disgusting#i think me and perp touched on it a little but they do have a situationship going on pre-elimination#it's untitled because the 2000s were awful for any relationship that wasn't straight and monogamous#these three are rediscovering polyamory like a group of cavemen reinventing the wheel. it'll take them a while to fully figure out--#but what they've got going on works for the time being!#need to gather The Council and make us all have a brainrot session over this AU at some point#total drama#td alejandro#td heather#td noah#alenoaheather#fake dating au#silly ideas#long post#replies
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btw i made a post sometime here about being in a restaurant or something and hearing teenage dream and thinking of larry stylinson because of that one video of them singing it
anyway like two days ago i went BACK to that restaurant and they played just the way you are AND viva la vida
it actually made me feel like i was going insane
#ask me anything#one direction#1 direction#1d#liam payne#MY HEART HAS BEEN ACTUALLY RIPPED OUT#rest in peace liam#zayn malik#niall horan#harry styles#louis tomlinson#larry stylinson#also ive begun to read the most popular larry fics#so far i have read walk that mile and young and beautiful#and like inbetween nights where i can read them i have to go to school and stuff#but now i feel like im in a constant state of death#idk how this happens 😭 these make me feel insane and rip me apart#anyway i loved walk that mile and i loved y&b#i just wish they were longer 😔#just the way you are#teenage dream#viva la vida#coldplay#katy perry#bruno mars#i would actually sell my life or my right arm to go back and be able to experience being a 1d fan during like 2010-2013#i would give anything#i want to see it happen in real time instead of watching videos knowing it all happened one million years ago practically a different plane#then again its given me this weird sense of time#like if i didnt know better i could almost trick myself into thinking that thats them now
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Bonus:
2.22 (46) / 2.24 (48) / 2.25 (49) / 2.35 (59) / 2.39 (63)
#like servant like sultana huh? but this time it's *Mahidevran* who apparently mirrors Gülşah as we see her rule later. both got these#positions so unexpectedly - it should've probably been someone else but it's them and they're *thrilled* as they can finally achieve what#they've always wanted through these promotions: to command power over these so despised people that have disrespected them; that they've#been embarrassed by; that have even taken their most cherished away; for Gülşah it's something more general/all-encompassing opposed by#many people while for Mahidevran it's something more specific opposed by a single person but both *feel* that same drive to seek#accountability and justice to the point of enacting revenge anyway. they both ultimately get carried away by that pull. they both operate#by letting people know they're in charge through pulling rank as an absolute lecturing that precise tradition and order that puts them#above brazenly issuing orders to discredit and/or outright punish those who've offended them: it's one person Mahi/Gülşah have a particular#beef with during their rules (Daye/Hürrem respectively) but Gülşah didn't show any resentment of Daye until that point thus Daye is more#the cumulative power Gülşah is starting to lord above while Hü is that exact hurt for Mahi bringing it all back to the general vs. personal#there're other notable differences here like in their speeches about order/tradition because quite a part of Mahi actually believes in#the good these traditions can bring and their necessity as much as she resents their restrictive ruthlessness but Gülşah doesn't believe in#any tradition really she just mirrors what she's seen and known her entire life using it just for her goals no more no less;#for Gülşah all will be okay only when they do what she says because she's so understandably insecure about her authority over *everyone*#while for Mahi all will be fine only when the order is kept in general including there being no unrest among the concubines#(hence peace; another pre-Manisa to post-Manisa transitional point perhaps?); they both want 2 certain ağas to “understand” but while they#say they do without much/any question for Mahi no matter how much they dislike it they are almost forced to by Gülşah and they don't hide#not their dislike but *disregard*; even Gülşah's short rule is telling of her position: SS dismissing her is completely out of her control#she's removed before even doing all that much - another symbolic reminder of how little agency she has - while SS dismissed Mahi because#she truly screwed up a lot in spite of her being framed this is the one time she was given *all* the agency; they both encounter the person#they're replaced with but with Gülşah it happens immediately to highlight the out-of-reach suddenness while with Mahi it happens afterwards#as a result almost. I included the bonus parallels because while Mahi didn't rule the harem then it was almost a set-up for that with a S2B#bent to it while Gülşah as treasurer highlights that this is indeed a harem within the harem; it's Mustafa's harem now as a preparation for#Manisa while also being a culmination of Gülşah's own arc (I kind of like that in spite of their relations being brought back to normal#Gülşah still doesn't have that many scenes with Mahi or in general compared to S01; it adds to this little rule's culminative feel)#also Mahi looking carefully through the concubines to truly pick who she thinks is best while Gülşah is just ecstatic to make calls at all!#magnificent century#muhteşem yüzyıl#mahidevran sultan#gulsah hatun
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am i the only one who sensed some jilted lover vibes from jensen?
#burcon#cockles#thoughts#at the start of the panel and through a few particular interactions he seemed very standoffish#he was giving a little bitter and hurt and perhaps even resentful - maybe he only learned of misha's gf#at this con too! maybe it was news to him. on top of not seeing misha for months i can understand#if he was feeling a bit neglected and out of the loop. there's also the matter of misha's gf not being#in a poly thing with jensen and dee like vicki was ie. what she has with misha is seperate so i'm sure#that's another difficult thing to deal with knowing their time together is strictly separate#i've no doubt he wants misha to have a partner and be happy but there's an adjustment period#letting new people into your life and whoever misha's partner is now or in the future is going to#affect jensen on a personal level and moreover his relationship with misha. it's all very intriguing#and while i like what little i've seen and heard about this woman for misha i just think no matter who#she is it's going to take a toll on jensen's relationship w misha. i thought it was plain to see on jensen's face#during their panel: numerous moments where he was giving a poker face that wasn't covering a laugh#but instead like he was trying to smooth out his bitterness. or so my eyes and brain and heart tell me.#just various moments where things looked uncomfortable and jensen making off-colour jokes that didn't land#and which furthermore were barbed and snarky - not in their usual banter way but like he was lashing out#and using the excuse of chaotic panel convo to explain away his comedic pitfalls. but again maybe i'm#looking to much into it? idk. there are some lovely moments! fun and caring moments - but they#mainly came from misha's direction ngl. it seemed like misha was trying hard to keep the peace#while jensen was just running his mouth on comments and jokes that kept not landing - for me#everyone on my dash is loving their dynamic this panel - and i want to feel that love! it is possible that#learning misha has a gf has skewed my perception a little like i'm putting context onto moments#i otherwise wouldn't. but i also think i would've laughed and generally felt better watching their panel#if that was the case. idk. whatever the reason i do think something was OFF between them on stage#and it was coming from jensen from the start. misha picked up on it partway though but things felt#a little strained throughout. like jensen wasn't looking at misha as much as usual or reaching out for him#misha tried to salvage and not react to things. but both their answers to the last Q were passive aggressive af#and when they left the stage together they weren't close or touching or chatting like they usually are...
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You know, I wonder how Fingolfin's people were holding on while on Ice, like, spiritually. (not the royal family, their people) I think that, after few years, at least some of them were treating the Ice as a Valar punishment for Alqualonde.
When they came to Beleriand, the Moon rised for the first time, not to mention the Sun. They could see it as being forgiven. And of course there was Fingon rescuing Maedhros with eagle's help, which solidified the belief for them.
it suprisingly didn't make things between Feanorian and Fingolfin's people worse during Long Peace. It absolutely broke the Noldor after Nirnaeth, when everyone blamed Feanorians lack of repenting to the Valar for losing the battle.
#silm#silmarillion#not my best post but I think it's an interesting worldbuiding concept#there would be a lot of 'why me?' and 'why did it happen to us?" on the Ice#and sure the main problem is always Feanor#but unless you're Fingolfin you can't plan to personally beat him up to make you feel better about your situation#and there would be a lot of guilt about Alqualonde at least in Fingon's group who actively helped with kinslaying#a lot of rationalizations and redirections would happen#I'm just saying it's a potent ground for some religious feelings to emerge#tolkien didn't put religion as an institution in his works#one of his best ideas#but everyone seems to agree that religion as in spirit of catholicism is very much there#so. one more difference between Noldor fractions that was hush hush hushed during the Long Peace#but exploded in everyone's faces when Morgoth attacked for real this time#anyway#have a nice day everyone
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the women of the wilson family
#us presidents#presidents#woodrow wilson#this was before woodrow got remarried as you can see because ellen is here❤️#i feel like no one here talks about ellen ever. i know edith exist but you have to remember#for some time ellen was indeed alive during woodrow's presidential term#and plus eleanor named her first born daughter after her so#remember her everyone❤️ ellen and edith coexisting forever will be true peace
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does anyone just have a strong, lingering intuitive feeling lately ???? or is it just me 😭
#luna.txt#i just cannot shake it!#i feel like prob all the intense astrological happenings rn are making me feel this way#its not a good intuitive feeling either. but i feel peace with it?#but im still left feeling very weird about it. i dont know how to describe it#this feeling actually started during the last eclipse but kinda fizzled#but now its back. strong. and i can't seem to ignore it this time ugh!!#anyway i hope u guys are doing well regardless!! how are the eclipse and retrograde treating everyone?
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#definitely not feeling my best lately#the end of the semester is always hard#bc understandably im tired#but have to study more than during the semester for the upcoming finals#but really it's more than that#ive been trying to make peace with who i am academically but it seems impossible#i can't fit in anywhere#not with the ~great~ students bc im not good enough#not with the indifferent students bc i study all the time#and there's this prof who thinks im deliberately downplaying my skills#which is both frustrating and painful bc im literally giving it my best already#im just not that smart!!#you know i was positively excellent back in school#and now im average#not bc im not trying#im doing my absolute best!#what else am i supposed to do?#so now it feels like befriending my lab partner was a mistake#i adore her but she's so brilliant and i feel like im dragging her down with me#it also feels like asking my favorite professor to be my thesis supervisor was a mistake too#bc i adore him as well and he thinks way too highly of me#and i am so going to let him down#oof#txt
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"When you hear about a virus spreading overseas, somewhere really far away, it feels foreign. There's this really weird feeling that it some won't affect you - that it won't get you."
- Josh Dun
Man he nailed it. That's how me and so many friends and especially fellow coworkers felt and joked about it. We had no idea the fresh hell that awaited us.
#twenty one pilots#josh dun#The Only Band In The World#Skeith reads The Only Band In The World#Man that hit home and just got me thinking of the before times and then during it#We truly had no idea#Even when we first started getting patients#I had no idea#Then it started happening#People started dying non stop#Like suddenly they would#I wasn't even in icu yet#I legitimately had PTSD for a while to the overhead beep That happened before a code blue or rapid response was called#Didn't figure that out til I off handedly mentioned the experience to my army buddy who suffers with PTSD#And he told me yeah dude that's what I feel with my PTSD when a trigger hits#I have since overcome it#But I think I did so by moving to icu and becoming our primary first responder to rapids and codes#I fixed myself by throwing myself headlong into it#And I think it healed me too not just overcome or desensitize myself to it#Being there to help and support former coworkers from the floor and bring them peace and comfort#But also all the people I did help and save#For all those I couldn't back then#Anyway not me getting emotional about all this#Hi everyone welcome to the skeith lore dump#You've unlocked part of The Tragic Backstory lmao#Anyway sorry don't read these tags
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no really there is a special kind of academic grief when your classes are fascinating, they present interesting challenges, your homework is stimulating, fun to do, and you feel good when you get it done, your classmates are kind and fun and have so much interesting shit to say.
but you're wayyy busy spending your time 50% trying to be the best potted plant your parents have ever owned 50% blasting your brain with endless stimulation lest you start crying and hitting yourself because you had an unpleasant thought.
#ngl it was extremely hard in the first few weeks like socially and regarding the working environment#(2000 students in a building that's Not That Big is awful i wanted to rip my ears off)#but i deeply miss having FUN during exams#listen. is it fun to be at 8am sharp in the exam hall? no.#was it a fun feeling last year to hang the whole trajectory of my life and education on 5 exams? no.#but they were fun i was having a good time i really liked constructing my point throughout the paper#i'm dogshit at it but it doesn't matter the point was that i was having fun and practicing and improving#now i work half an hour out of four being extremely slow at making the worst plan i've ever made in my life#and then the lethargy takes me and i sleep standing straight in my chair the whole three hours that i have left#awful#the whole point of picking a cursus with a lot of classes and a lot of homework was to escape my parents#that since they value academics and my dad went to the same cursus when he was young therefore they'd know it takes a lot of work#that they'd leave me alone and they wouldn't keep feeding into the fucking compulsions or whatever the fuck they are#but NO no again it's clear that no matter how much time i spend with them how much i center my whole life around them and their routine#it's never enough it's never enough to earn myself some peace#their way is the objective Good and Comfortable way to live and deviating from it must mean i'm wicked and sad and i'm failing and them too#no matter how clear i have tried my best to be on the many occasions i've told them THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE AND DO FOR YOUR SAKE#i was more independant when i was younger and everybody told me it was wrong it was weird i was just a wittle baby who needed mommy#i didn't earn this independance#now i'm trying my best to please them and comply with what they want. except what they tell me they want they don't want apparently.#and it doesn't earn me any independance either#broadcasting my misery#vent
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Recent things.. mostly just writing screenshots lol
#There's a water problem in the apartment so thats been taking most of my attention lol.. the way maintenance happens here is just#this big long vague wait with no clear communication. You just send in a request to the apartment building and then you might hear from the#any weekday from 8am - 4pm any time after that. Sometimes it's quick but sometimes its like days before you hear anything. So then#you just have to be operating under the assumption that at any time during working hours you might get a call or a knock at the door#Like if you were expecting company at any time for a week straight ghjhj.. ANYWAY.. I've been working on making a little discord#server thing for the game maybe for playtesters to communicate in initially i guess but then also after it's out or... something like that.#no idea how all of that works. but you hear about people doing it. or something... Still not entirely sold on the idea since I'm not really#a big user of discord format speaking (like little chats and stuff) but.. again idk.. seems like.. common.. for things...(< socially odd#hermit fumbling through trying to imitate what '''normal''' people do/enjoy/desire lol..). Since I think my biggest issue is I am very bad#at socializing and thus marketing since a lot of that is social. The type to just google ''what do people do about games once they've#made them'' and just go after whatever the top 10 things apparently are hjbjhbjh... But like I said. still unsure it will be utilized. it#all feels very awkward to me. then again most things do. But that's what the ''overall progress'' screenshot is from. the little channel#where I've been posting updates to myself lol. Also ''coding'' in that being used very lightly consdering it's ren'py and I'm only using#the very bare bones most basic functionality of it lol. Extremely intense highly daunting master level coding such as ''if x then y''. gbjh#slacked on writing a lot due to the evil maintenance and such things... and just general... appointments... events... aughhhhhh#I think it's Goose Time here or something because nearly every day I hear big V shaped rows of geese flying by like multiple#times a day and they're so pretty and neat to watch. They've really inspired me somehow. Today it was rainy and gray skied and high winds#and cold (some of my favorite most beautiful weather) and I went out to check the mail and like 6 or 7 rows of geese fluttered#by in the air. I felt like that meme image of that guy that looks kind of weird (william dafoe??) and its like black and white and#he's looking up at something almost teary eyed wide eyed in awe.. The goose... those are my goose.. the universe sent those gooses just#for me and the high speed winds blowing my coat open and chilling my face... a tender platonic kiss from the world is often delivered#by way of chilly weather and bird formations.. peace and love on planet earth truly..#OH and of course.. boy with boy!!!! shout out to those little mcdonalds toy animal plushies from like 2006 or something. I found the#gray cat one and was like.. hrmm.. I have one of those as well (a real life gray cat). surely they're friends now.
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