#And I think it healed me too not just overcome or desensitize myself to it

[xproskeith]

"When you hear about a virus spreading overseas, somewhere really far away, it feels foreign. There's this really weird feeling that it some won't affect you - that it won't get you."

- Josh Dun

Man he nailed it. That's how me and so many friends and especially fellow coworkers felt and joked about it. We had no idea the fresh hell that awaited us.

[the-stage-manager]

This is an extremely bad take that does a huge disservice to both people with PTSD and the ace community.

I'm clinically diagnosed with ptsd, I consider myself part of the a spectrum, and I'm studying neuropsychology with an emphasis in trauma. I know what I'm talking about, both clinically and anecdotally. First of all, trauma very much does define every aspect of you. It swallows you whole, it consumes every part of you, and the fact that you don't know this tells me you don't have a whole lot of experience with trauma. Perhaps you shouldn't be making comments about something you know very little about. This idea that "you are not your trauma" is a wonderful statement for people who have reached that point in their healing process.

PTSD is extremely difficult to treat because of how it hijacks the brain—when you're triggered, your prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls your ability to solve problems and think rationally, shuts down and energy is diverted towards the limbic system, a collection of structures that deal with everything from emotional control, memory, focus, and a whole bunch of other unconscious functions. When your fight or flight response activates you physically cannot think rationally.

Literally, your brain hijacks your body to protect you from a threat that does not exist. There is no instinct stronger than survival, so trying to overcome your trauma responses takes an extraordinary amount of time and it is extremely painful. When your brain is telling you that there's a bear in the room in your life is in danger, convincing yourself to sit down and breathe through it is agony. And you have to do it over and over and over until eventually you become desensitized to the feeling. It consumes your whole life.

"You are not your trauma" is a wonderful statement for people who have reached a certain point in their recovery, but for people who are still sludging through the middle of it, it's the equivalent of telling somebody with depression to smile more, not to be so sad.

Sexuality is a fluid thing, and trauma does affect it. Sometimes people who thought they were ace, discover that they aren't after they've reached a certain stage and their healing. Sometimes, the exact opposite is true—some people consider themselves to be hypersexual then eventually realize that they aren't as interested in sex as they thought they were.

You do not have the right to decide what is and is not somebody's sexual identity. You do not have the right to tell somebody that their trauma does or does not validate their sexuality. You do not have the right to tell somebody how they are or are not allowed to view a character.

You're right, Astarion being sex repulsed might be a trauma response. When I was neck deep in my trauma, I also considered myself pretty damn sex repulsed. And I wore my Ace label as a badge of honor, because it was so nice to feel like I had a community, to feel like I wasn't the only one who felt this way. You don't have any right to take that label away for me or anybody else undergoing trauma. You don't have the right to invalidate somebody's sexual experiences, or they're traumatic experiences, just because you feel protective or defensive over your own identity.

Before I wore my Ace flag with honor, my biggest anxiety was that I wasn't really ace. That it was just my trauma, because somebody like you told me exactly that: that I didn't count, I wasn't part of the community, because some extenuating circumstances made my feelings invalid. Fuck that and fuck you. My therapist said, "Maybe you're right, and maybe you're wrong, but the feelings you feel right now are real, and right now is all that matters. If you're feelings change, your label can change too,"

Sexuality is fluid. Trauma victims are not a threat to the ace community.

I'm so so tired of seeing ppl label Astarion as "sex-averse" or some version of ace only because of his trauma responses. His trauma and his wariness around sex is not his identity. It's not an inherent part of who he is, it is an sad reality of something that was done to him.

You are not your trauma, you can and should put in the effort to work through it, like Astarion does. Eventually he does work up to a point where he's the one asking for sex again and isn't shy about it.

You take away personal agency from him by saying that he is what his trauma responses are. Defining him by the things that were done to him really grosses me out.

[riverflowsthroughit]

Social Worker Extraordinaire, New York City

Verena was my partner in a late night on-call volunteering work for over five years. It was called Domestic and Other Violence Emergencies (DOVE) Program at New York Presbyterian Hospital where we would expect a call between the hours of 6PM and 7AM and get ourselves to the ER without a real clue of what we may expect to see. We would essentially relieve the social workers during the night by being first responders to a trauma patient, specifically after a sexual assault or domestic violence incident. I know the program transformed me immensely and one of the things I was able to take away was meeting and staying in touch with so many incredibly talented and compassionate individuals. These women had full time jobs but spent time during nights and weekends facing some of the harshest realities of our society, and helping others start on a long road to healing. Verena took that experience and with her incredible gift of listening and empathizing was able to shine even brighter. And all the roads we have to walk are winding, as they say. So proud to call her my friend and learn a couple of new (and surprising) things about her from the Q/A below. 1. Name Verena Salvi 2. Where is your hometown? Rome, Italy. 3. What is your profession/career/title/self-label/designation? I’m an advocate, a social worker and a trauma-focused psychotherapist in the crime victim unit of a large hospital. I’m also an adjunct professor in the graduate department of Columbia University School of Social Work, a faculty member of the post-graduate Trauma Training Program at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy, and a freelance trainer and consultant with various organizations working on gender-based violence and human rights. 4. What was the journey like to get where you are (career wise)? When was the mental shift to start the journey? It was a journey alright, in both the figurative and the literal sense of the word. Growing up in a household with domestic violence, I began traveling my way out of reality years before I could physically travel away. Since an early age, I developed the ability to dissociate from my own experiences and attune to the experiences of the people around me, listening and giving my time to others as an instrument for confessions of both anguish and happiness. I didn’t know it back then, but listening to other people and accompanying them through arduous journeys would soon become my passion and my life. But it would take many more miles of physical travel, new beginnings and second chances, from Rome to London to Dublin and back to Rome, before I could find my way to New York City and learn to re-attune to my own emotions. Rome lives on a past so glorious to challenge the passing of time and New York transcends time because its strength lies in the hopes of its inhabitants, vibrating to the beats of the most colorful humanity. After nearly 15 years, this is home. 5. Biggest accomplishment since making the (physical/mental) move? I’m proud of the work I do and immensely grateful for the privilege to provide long-term quality trauma-informed treatment to survivors independently of their ability to pay. Compassionate and competent care should not be off limits to people who cannot afford the big bucks and should not have an arbitrarily-set expiration date. How do you begin a journey of recovery by telling someone that they only have a set amount of sessions to get better? The most harrowing consequence of trauma is the shattering of human connections. You see, trauma is what happens but also what doesn’t happen; it’s the lack of support and understanding after a difficult experience or even worse the presence of blame. My work has taught me that when survivors experience being seen and heard by a safe and compassionate person, and without boundary violations, they start to create a new template for what human relationships can be; they begin to see themselves not as damaged but as people who have been hurt but are not broken and are capable of moving forward in life. For trauma survivors, safe and reliable connection is an oxygen line straight to the heart. We now know a tremendous amount about trauma and about how to mitigate and transform the effects of trauma, but we are not doing a good-enough job at making sure that all survivors have access to specialized modalities to help them move beyond survival and reclaim what was stolen from them - the ability to live in the present moment. As I realized that the most traumatized survivors are also the most underserved, I set out to train in modalities that are experiential and aim at providing a reparative experience. I trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Internal Family Systems (IFS), Sensorimotor Psychotherapy and brought all these modalities and knowledge to my work, where survivors don’t have to worry about how they are going to pay for therapy or about having to recover from years of abuse in just a few weeks. 6. What was biggest disappointment and plan to overcome it? I feel defeated by the lack of available resources to overcome injustice. I can tell a survivor that she is not to blame and not deserving of violence but I can’t make an affordable apartment materialize for her so she and her children can be safe; I can’t make more beds appear in domestic violence shelters and I can’t make a conviction happen for a rapist who doesn’t even see the inside of a court room, let alone the inside of a cell. I can’t make competent trauma-informed psychiatrists lower their fees or take common insurances, and I can’t stop Family Court judges from awarding visitation rights to perpetrators of violence solely based on their rights as parents. If you terrorize your family, physically and/or psychologically, your rights as parent should not override the rights of the people you inflicted harm upon. I don’t know how to overcome barriers deeply entrenched in patriarchy, lack of privilege, systematic racism, and gender-based oppression, but I think that it will take the big village and the strength of movements like Black Lives Matter, feminists and LGBTQ rights activists, and the many other voices of the historically unheard people in partnership with organizations like The American Civil Liberties Union, committed to use their power for the advancement of justice. I’m waiting for the revolution Tracey Chapman sang about… remember? It’s sounds like a whisper! 7. Advice for other women? Make a lot of noise and reject any and all of the oppressive messages that have been battered into the hearts and minds of girls and women since forever; chief among them the message that women share any responsibility in their victimizations. No more; not ever. Women should not have to live their lives from a harm-reduction perspective. Why should anyone have to make decisions based on what would make them more or less likely to be raped? The responsibility to commit interpersonal violence resides solely on the person who chooses to victimize another one. We need to stop policing women’s lives and hold perpetrators of violence accountable. 8. Where in the world do you feel “tallest”? Laying down and looking up at the sky. There’s so much space for all of us. 9. What extra-curricular activities/hobbies are you most proud of? Why? Outside of my work, my biggest passion is the rock singer Noel Gallagher. His music has been the soundtrack of my life and has accompanied me through all major life transitions, across countries, continents and redemption. I followed Noel Gallagher around the world, and when I’m on the road I feel 16 years old. 10. What is the future goal/challenge (career and/or life goals in 5-10 years)? Right now my biggest goal is to get more comfortable seating for the survivors I see for therapy. Welcome to the world of non-profit; we do amazing work but we don’t have enough resources. I dream of being able to transform my office into a haven of physical comfort, because my survivors are worth it. But I need better furniture. One day. 11. What fears are you still hoping to overcome? I’m still afraid that I won’t be able to help the next survivor who enters my therapy room. A few days ago, a girl sat in front of me with visible cuts all over her arms, several suicide attempts in her past, and a combination of hope and resignation in her eyes. Little did she know that as her voice trembled and she attempted to negotiate between hope and despair, I was engaged in the same struggle inside of me. I heard a familiar voice whispering, “You won’t be able to help her.” Instead of trying to silence it, I welcomed it and recognized it for what it was; a very young part of me who learned that it’s better not to take chances. And so I whispered back, “It’s okay little one; thank you for trying to protect me from disappointment, but I got this. I can help her.” If this young woman could find the courage to trust again, I could find the courage to walk alongside her. I told her, “I don’t know how and I don’t know how long it will take, but I’m going to see you through this.” She smiled and I smiled. 12. Anything you'd do differently (if you had another go at life)? Yes, quite a few. I would be kinder to myself from a much younger age. I’ve only really began to treat myself with the same loving kindness I treat other people in recent years, and even now I can slip back into old habits of self-devaluing too easily. As a woman, I tolerated too much and have apologized too many times for things that required no apology or, even worse, for events in which I should have been on the receiving end of an apology. But where I have no regrets is laughter… I have had some great laughs in this life, by myself and with other people. 13. What inspires you? People who live with disabilities and continue to be examples of dignity and strength in a world where those in power shamelessly mock them and suffer no consequences; immigrants and refugees who travel through hell for a new life and to contribute honestly to the wealth of this country only to live with the daily fear of being separated from their loved ones; survivors of sexual violence who have the courage to speak up even when they are given the message that it’s okay for someone to “grab” them and exploit them to satisfy a sense of entitlement. Time and time again, it is when I’m faced with the worst of humanity that I find the best of humanity as well. 14. What are you hopeful about? A new wave of activism with a no-tolerance attitude for injustice and violation of human rights; this new wave is rightly defiant of the old and defective argument that there should be space for all opinions if the opinions presented are, in fact, about hatred and violating human rights. We can disagree on whether or not access to weapons keep people safer or contribute to widespread violence. I happen to agree with the latter argument but we can talk about it. If you think LGBTQ people should not have the same rights and civil liberties as everyone else or if you believe that it is okay to torture prisoners of war, we are no longer having a difference of opinion; you are advocating to deny someone their humanity and basic rights and my tolerance for your “opinion” does not extend to violation of human rights. 15. What are you reading now? (what books do you gift most and what are your favorite reads?) The Daily Show, an Oral History (I miss Jon Stewart). I have given away more copies of Trauma and Recovery that I can remember. The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, by child psychiatrist Bruce Perry, changed me as a psychotherapist for the better and forever. Borderliners, by Peter Hoeg, was the book that made me feel not alone as a girl. The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel van der Kolk, should be a mandatory read for anyone working with trauma. Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, is the gift of freedom for any woman who has experienced domestic violence. Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town, by Jon Krakauer, should be read by anyone who works in a college in just about any capacity. Willow Weep for Me is a beautifully-written personal narrative of trauma and depression and one of the few works of non-fiction portraying the recovery journey of a woman of color. 16. Who is a “WOW Woman” in your life who inspires you (and why)? My EMDR supervisor, Leah Leatherbee. Leah is the most gifted therapist I know, a dedicated teacher and, above all, a woman who radiates good energy and warmth. She is that person who leaves a room better than she found it and never seems to run out of encouragement for others and sunshine to share. You can learn more about her here: parnellemdr.com/members/lleatherbee/ 17. Where can others find you/your work (links to websites, blogs, etc.)? DOVE website An article about our work Trauma Training Program link Linkedin My (non-trauma related, for once) Instagram

[delsonbundrick97]

What Is The Meaning Of Premature Ejaculation Fascinating Diy Ideas

It is a technique that will help you last longer in bed and understand it was not to concentrate in your pubic area...except the PC.One of the muscles increasing up into your bum.Double condom method: Using two condoms instead of pondering and suffering it can do it now!The best method you have to work within these limits while working their way to control and increase the latency time by improving their sexual partners.

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Fortunately, if you have to do is to try and look for ways to end this sexual condition.That helps in looking for but rarely gets hold of.This same muscle you use to do this three times a day.Partaking in physical activity is healthy and helpful ways to fix this issue is also considered helpful in solving this occurrence is self-control.Second we're going to have a long term sufferers still not clear.

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Best Doctors For Premature Ejaculation Near Me

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It is up to the links below for the answer.Squeeze forcefully yet gently on the individual elements of the exercise for premature ejaculation treatment is possible. If you always want to prevent causing any discomfort to her.Not only are these things are dear and important to seek a suitable ejaculation treatment is that this information is with held due to; embarrassment, or a man's lack of fitness.If you are about to ejaculate, he can proud of.

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How To Stop Premature Ejaculation Permanently

As you gain control of your mentality, physical and mental aspects of this product I find myself able to start building your self of this exercise as often as you can do exercise and the side effects.This condition is something like taking corrective action before it's too masculine and they are at the time you hold a longer time by both physical and mental issues.That tell you now will discuss an exercises to strengthen your ejaculatory expediency so you could not control ejaculations.The more you do to help treat male sexual organs than others.For the time before each meal will effectively work for you to stop premature ejaculation experience at least several times a day, or every time you spend not 15 minutes, but if you recognized that you could not speak the words without turning bright red and wanting to keep your urge to ejaculation, make a good choice for preventing premature ejaculation.

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[opalmothnightingale]

Desensitizing Myself Away From the Fear of Death

11- 18- 17 - 

I want to desensitize myself from the fear of death.  I feel that fear is getting in the way of things when it comes to doing what I need to do, taking appropriate risks, flowing, being creative and enjoying myself, trusting, having faith in spirit and life and grace and guidance and not overthinking things...  And just, trusting the Divine orchestration instead of thinking I need to figure and plan and ask for advice on so many trivial random things...  Instead of feeling safe, feeling joy, beauty, love, devotion.  

Instead of being artistic, serene, at peace, flowing, and trusting.  

I really feel I need to desensitize myself from the fear of not knowing, not having control, the fear of things going terribly wrong, of survivors who outlive those who die, of worrying about their suffering and confusion and pain, lostness, and so on they might experience, the abuse and loneliness and lack and stupidity and wrong abounding in this world, especially for very sensitive, unusual ones who don’t fit in this world really very well at all...  Who aren’t supported very well and are so vulnerable here on earth, in this life.  My daughter.  Myself.  

I need to feel safe even knowing these risks.

I need to be able to let go of the know it all ideas that we can somehow prevent all risk and must follow this particular superstitious method or else we may be doomed to fail and are therefore wrong and irresponsible for not listening to said superstitious belief.  Law of Attraction anyone?

I mean, I’m not saying there is no truth to the Law of Attraction but it’s not like I can drop everything to align all the time, to stay high and positive and only act when I feel positive and high, etc, as they advise.  It’s too impossible and I’d be waiting idly as my life ticked away because my life is too full of risks and dangers and pain at this point, anyway.  Instead I have to overcome the fear of the chaos that death can leave for those who are left behind when their loved ones die and no one else can replace or even come near the level of beauty and goodness, safety, understanding and support they provided,...  And a cold world of illness and disorder, stupidity and cruelty remains...  Yes some good is in the world but much inadequacy and lies and harm, no matter how you slice it, for some very sensitive yet aware souls. 

I want reminders that I can deal with this, that spirit can heal and protect and provide for the survivors of those who die, no matter how dire the remaining situation is for them after they lose their most important loved ones.  I want reminders of this and more, to help me not worry, just live life, be real, be honest, keep active, instead of fearful clinging to “positive” ideals that are so far from my reality as to be a joke and a waste if I was to wait around till they felt realistic to even begin to try for. 

I want to stop being so careful, hesitant, procrastinating, dissociating, running towards escapism...  Stop feeling I have more control or that I need more control than I really can or should try to have logically, over death or disaster or chaos. 

Yet having the faith that I can have some blessing and grace in the midst of such dangers, because I’m now connected to spirit blessings and alignment, if not the perfect alignment that Law of Attraction ideology demands.

[lewepstein]

Reflections on Insecurity

Is there anyone of us who hasn’t at one time or another experienced a jolt of insecurity?  Arriving at an event or activity where everyone else is already a part of some conversation or committee can be as unsettling as being the new hire on a job and not yet knowing the lay of the land.  It can leave the most confident of us feeling self-conscious and unsure.  But these are examples of the normal feelings of insecurity that arise when we are confronted with something new and are worried about our role and whether or not we will fit in.

There is a more insidious type of insecurity that I have come to call “toxic insecurity.”  We see it in relationships in which a jealous spouse demands constant reassurance.   It is also present in the individual who is too frightened to make requests and unable to take principled positions because of his fears about rocking the boat.

 Sheila was a client of mine whose chronic insecurity was damaging her life. During one session she described changing outfits several times before a party because she didn’t believe her wardrobe was as sophisticated as some of the other women who would be there.  She considered not going to the event, but also felt that if she backed out, her boyfriend would be angry with her, something she often imagines but is rarely true.  As it turned out, it hardly mattered to him whether or not they went at all.  Sheila changed her mind again, deciding that she would go. She worried that Chris might decide to go by himself and there might be attractive women there. Chris already knew how insecure Sheila could be and tried his best to reassure her, but no matter what he said her doubts persisted.  Chris ended up feeling helpless and turned off.  Sheila took his irritation as proof that her doubts and fears were valid, entirely missing the point that her chronic insecurity was the force that was pushing him away. 

 Insecurity in adult relationships can best be understood through the lens of attachment theory, a  theory worth exploring since it can shed so much light on both the larger human condition and the specific ways that we function in our relationships. John Bolby was the British psychoanalyst who in the 1950s studied children deprived of secure bonding early in life.  He observed infants housed in institutions who were well cared for physically by staff, but who lacked regular parenting.  From his observations, he proposed that the quality of our early attachments becomes the template for our later relationships.  Then, Mary Ainsworth, a child psychologist in the 1960s provided more research and further developed the theory by presenting attachment “styles” that included “anxious,” “avoidant,” and “insecure,” - the product of caregivers who were by degrees, unavailable, unreliable or threatening.

According to the theory, the child who has had a secure attachment experience with caregivers goes through life with the core belief that he can rely on others and turn to them during times of stress.  Those who have had sub-optimal childhood experiences will need to cobble together an identity in connection to others - but the relationships that they form may not feel natural or safe.  It will require effort to create secure attachments later in life that will challenge the flawed images and experiences that are carried within.

This theory came to life for me after decades of working  with couples.  If the presenting problem involved conflicts around basic trust, the family history almost always  included early attachment injuries for one or both partners. Often, the way the couple argued made me feel that the conflict was designed to create emotional distance.  Myself and other family therapists who were trained in the 1970s and 1980s had been taught to help conflictual partners by getting them to think about their problems rather than to explore emotional connections.  Then, we coached them on how to create new and better marital contracts.  We later discovered that the solutions to most marital problems were more emotional than cognitive. We learned that at core, the answers had to do with helping partners establish safety in their relationship to one another.

If you or someone you know is living on the spectrum of intense insecurity - or if you are going through a period of deep uncertainty, there are helpful tools available to ameliorate some of these symptoms. The following is a menu of different approaches that I have introduced in others posts.  

The Relationship Approach: Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapy is the treatment best designed to help partners overcome insecure attachment issues.  Partners are coached on to how to best express their feelings and how to validate each other’s emotions.  Just like an infant who requires a secure base from which to explore the world, adults need to create safe havens in order to produce intimacy.  For those interested in further examining this approach, the articles and books of therapist Sue Johnson are a good place to begin.

The “Parts” Approach: When you are beginning to feel insecure, try to identify the part or parts of yourself that are being triggered.  Is it a fragile inner-child or a jealous “protector” who has been overreaching for years in the guise of keeping you safe?  Examining what has been called our “inner family” can be a powerful tool in healing insecurity. “The Center for Self Leadership” is a good website to explore.  It offers lists of therapists who use this modality as well as many self-help books that introduce  key concepts and guide people in how to do the work.

The Acceptance and Commitment Therapy approach: Are you able to accept your insecure thoughts and feelings and allow them simply to arise within?  Can you just note them in a detached and mindful way without having to do anything about them?  Observing one’s thoughts is one way to detach from them and not let them have authority over you.  There are many effective work-books on the ACT websites.

The Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy approach: Are you able to identify the “automatic thoughts” associated with your insecurity? Are you able to challenge a particularly persistent or intrusive thought?  For example, “I know that I’m feeling jealous and insecure right now, but I also realize that the bond that I have with my boyfriend is stronger than the doubts that I’m having at this moment.” Sometimes a “mantra” like this can be effective in a process called “cognitive restructuring.”

The Exposure and Desensitization Approach: Are you able to imagine situations that usually trigger feelings of insecurity and expose yourself to them in your imagination?  Can you arrange them in a hierarchy and measure their intensity on a scale of 1 through 10?  This type of work is based on the ancient wisdom that tells us that in order to overcome fears we will need to face them. Are you willing to welcome situations into your life that set off feelings of insecurity and see them as opportunities to build resilience and strengthen those emotional muscles?

The H.E.A.L. Approach: When there is a reassuring, affirmative or supportive experience in a close relationship  are you able to allow your brain and body to deeply absorb it?   We strengthen our own sense of security by framing  positive moments.  By doing this we also over-ride our negativity bias - our human survival mechanism that tends to store fears and can cause us to avoid forming what could turn out to be trusting, secure relationships. The works of Rick Hanson, including “Buddha’s Brain” and “Hardwiring Happiness” describe this approach in depth.

The Family of Origin Approach: Have you explored and researched your family of origin looking for patterns of insecure attachment with siblings cousins and other members of your extended family?  Do you know the events in your family history that may have disrupted bonding between family members?  Are there family members who seem to have overcome early insecure attachments to establish solid relationships?

The drama of insecure attachment can play out in many different parts of our lives, but having the resources with which to deal with this problem as it arises can be a counterweight to insecurity.  The healing process may be long and this may be an issue that is never fully “resolved,” but our ability to change our responses to situations and relationships can still be transformative.