#not bc im not trying
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#definitely not feeling my best lately#the end of the semester is always hard#bc understandably im tired#but have to study more than during the semester for the upcoming finals#but really it's more than that#ive been trying to make peace with who i am academically but it seems impossible#i can't fit in anywhere#not with the ~great~ students bc im not good enough#not with the indifferent students bc i study all the time#and there's this prof who thinks im deliberately downplaying my skills#which is both frustrating and painful bc im literally giving it my best already#im just not that smart!!#you know i was positively excellent back in school#and now im average#not bc im not trying#im doing my absolute best!#what else am i supposed to do?#so now it feels like befriending my lab partner was a mistake#i adore her but she's so brilliant and i feel like im dragging her down with me#it also feels like asking my favorite professor to be my thesis supervisor was a mistake too#bc i adore him as well and he thinks way too highly of me#and i am so going to let him down#oof#txt
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The way people demonize seagulls is actually unreal. Almost all of their natural habitat has been destroyed (almost all coastal areas have been developed, destroying natural sand dune ecosystems) and they're doing their best to adapt. They're literally just trying to survive. You're in their home. The vitriol some people have for these gorgeous sea birds just because they're not shy about snatching food if you're not cautious is insane
#im malding bc i read an article about some guy who beheaded a seagull for trying to steal his kids french fry#what the fuck is wrong with you
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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i am a being capable of immeasurable love and whimsy
#and also. am a ilittlel kitty :3#mine#cats#brain empy. felt tip cats ONLY#we were promised snow today n then they decided actually :) rain all day for u#i bought new wool for a cardigan today im SO excited its gna be so colourful#i was going to do some sort of Thing on the back like a heart or something but im still too scared to do colour changing stuff#maybe....maybe next time#i think i will try a patter w like. an actual grid with it first rather than just rawdog it#bc i . do not know what im doing :3
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i know people are not reading the posts of Palestinian's pleading for your attention I know for some they might even think they are repetitive or tiring but every single one of these people are risking their lives to come ask for your help that every single life is valuable and every person is a universe and I am begging you if you see this please donate what you can and help share these fundraisers as if you were doing it for your own loved ones please don't ignore this!
Save Dr. Farhat's family from genocide in Gaza (vetted) goal at 41%!
Help Heba and her 3 children survive and reunite with father (vetted) goal at 12%! URGENT FOR MEDICAL CARE!
Help me build a new future for my family. (donations protected) goal at 2%! LOW FUNDS!
Support Moomen family in Gaza (vetted) goal at 5%! LOW FUNDS! LAST DONATION 7 DAYS AGO!
Help me escape the Gaza war and start again (donations protected) goal at 0%! LOW FUNDS! LAST DONATION 1 MONTH AGO!
Help Hamdi and his family get out of Gaza (vetted by association) goal at 0%! LOW FUNDS! LAST DONATION 6 DAYS AGO!
Support a Family's Journey to Safety and Peace (vetted) goal at 10%! LAST DONATION 18 HOURS AGO!
Help Shima’s Family Find Safety in Gaza (donations protected) goal at 1%! LOW FUNDS!
Donate to help Mysolin's family from the war in Gaza (vetted) goal at 1%! LOW FUNDS! LAST DONATION 2 DAYS AGO!
SAVE my family from the war in Gaza - Rafah (vetted) goal at 23%!
Help me so I can get my life back (donations protected) goal at 0%! ONLY 5 EUROS RAISED! LAST DONATION 13 DAYS AGO!
Helping Mohammad and his family escape genocide (vetted) goal at 6%! LAST DONATION 14 HOURS AGO!
Help Save Ahmed Family From Gaza (vetted by association) goal at 16%! LAST DONATION 2 DAYS AGO!
Help me find shelter and work (vetted) goal at 65%! LAST DONATION 2 DAYS AGO!
Please Help Hani and His Family Safely Evacuate Gaza (vetted) goal at 10%! LAST DONATION 4 DAYS AGO!
Help Grandma Reem and her family live in Gaza (vetted) goal at 14%! LOW FUNDS!
Help Ahmed to save him and treat his teeth (vetted) goal at 6%!
These people have reached out in asks as of 22/11/24. All of this are vetted and/or donation protected!
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love when ppl defend the aggressive monetization of the internet with "what, do you just expect it to be free and them not make a profit???" like. yeah that would be really nice actually i would love that:)! thanks for asking
#yes i want things to be free like ??? that is not a weird desire#'but but it costs money to keep up' ok and? how is that my problem#the government has plenty of murder dollars they could reallocate a few to make internet services universal if they wanted#also these companies were perfectly capable of supporting themselves before the internet got drowned with ads so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#edit: muting notifs on this post bc new additions have kind of petered out#so no one feel bad about adding something someone else has said‚ it is not bothering me im just trying to keep my#notifs page cleanish lol#also since i saw some people are being redirected to read my tags: firstly hiiiiii this is a special secret message for you:3#secondly i have learned since making this that the reason they were able to support themselves previously was because#of investors bankrolling everything#and theyre now finally realizing that theyre never going to actually make a profit and arent as willing to invest#however thats just a minor correction and doesnt change my overall point#once again. so many murder dollars#so thats why im just adding it here in the tags rather than making an actual correction#anyways . love yall 💕#origibberish#bigger gibbers
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you said you were stuck in a time loop, which was fine. i feel like late-stage capitalism has us all in a time loop, ammiright? you came barging in at 5:33. in the morning. i hadn't even processed the idea of coffee.
but you had this look of utter panic in your eyes. terror like the ocean. you grabbed my cheeks. im in a time loop.
i don't know why in movies the first reaction is to deny it. when someone is panicking like that, it's not appropriate to ask them to calm down. it didn't matter if i believed it, what mattered was that you believed it so much that it was consuming you.
so here we are. i pour you some of the dark roast. "you look like utter and entire hell," i say.
you push your fingers into your eyes. "you always say that."
i try to think of something funny to say that i wouldn't have said on previous time loops, but jokes don't land without the proper timing (lol). "remind me to think -"
"-yeah, of a joke that only works in the future. and before you say anything, i know you're pissed i just stole your punchline." you bolt the coffee, which is wild. it's very hot. you don't seem to notice.
i blow on mine to cool it down. i both am very pissed at you and also i can't see you in this amount of panic without wanting to help. but i'm also not really sure what we are, not since i saw you kiss her like that, no offense. it just was like, kind of rude when you knew i liked you.
and besides. i'm just like, barely a person. i write omegaverse fanfiction. i love the concept of a time loop, but what the fuck am i gonna do? send an alpha in there? i open my mouth.
you point at me. "you're about to ask why me. and then say some disparaging shit about yourself. i'm just a nerd who plays dnd or something. that self-own is slightly different each time." you sigh. "i know you think you can't really help me. i don't know who can help me. i only came to you because you fucking believe me." you check your watch, sigh, and throw your head back. you cover your eyes with one hand. "i've come here on 26 separate revolutions," you say. "you have believed me every time. and yeah, i have no idea how you fit into this but i just -" you sigh again. "i just like fucking talking to someone about it."
"do you need more cof-" i start, but you're already holding the empty cup out. i frown at it. "you're not getting any more until you promise not to bolt this one like an animal."
you laugh a little and sit up, pushing your hair out of your face. "okay, that's new dialogue. but to be fair to you, i'm not usually this rude. i'm still pretty new at all of this." you check your watch again. another sigh. i guess you're cruising for a personal best in the Sigh Olympics.
i almost tell you im not an NPC but i've played enough video games to know i'm very much an NPC. i pour you another cup. "so what happens in the loop?"
"really bad explosion." you mutter into the mug. you put your elbows on the table (rude) and bury your face in your arms like an angsty teenager. one hand floats up while you talk, because evidently you literally can't talk without your hands. "i have to save the day and there's this bomb and i have no bomb training and it keeps moving, you know."
"do i die?"
you peek up from your arms. "yeah. bigtime. you keep trying to run or stay or do anything and you always super die."
"oh."
"to be fair, like, everyone dies in it though.... so you're in good company."
i hate that you make me laugh. i hate that being around you always feels tingly and strange, this electric tension between us. something that is evidently (given how you stuck your tongue down a stranger's throat literally 3 days ago) (well. 3 for me) super one-sided. i take a sip of my coffee and close my eyes.
i die today, i guess. a little spark of panic starts at the top of my hands and starts whipping up my wrists.
"shit," you say. you look at your watch and jump to your feet. "i have to go. if i can come back, i will. i am still trying to figure out when is best to do everything, you know? the order of stuff. maybe morning isn't good for us."
i look up at you and think about how you keep kissing me in the back of my car and in alleyways and in the dark. and i can never fucking get a read on you. and i also think about how incredibly panicked you look. how broken. how long have you been doing this? "i don't want to die," i say.
you glance downwards. "well, you're not really dead, you'll come back in the loop."
"but i will have died." my hands are shaking. i am trying really hard to stay calm.
you push your hands through your hair again. "i really have to go. i will have this discussion with the next version of you, though. it is like, something i am thinking about."
"but i don't get a next version," i say. i don't really have the language for this, because i haven't had 26 tries with you. i only have my memories: you, a week ago. drunk and telling me you loved me in my ear. you, kissing her anyway. you, months ago, throwing up on my birthday, whispering to me i ruin everything i touch, always, over and over. please don't ask. i can't ever fucking have that be you.
i run my finger along the rim of the mug. "i don't want to die in this one."
you seem baffled by this. "i get that but - time will reset, you'll be fine, you won't even remember we talked about this."
"but i know now." i stand up too. "i have to live the rest of this day knowing i could die. knowing i probably am going to."
"you could always die, to be fair."
i feel my hands get out of control. "earlier, you said i always say a different insult about myself. what if you're just going through different parallel universes and those are all just different - but real - versions of myself? what if you're not in a time loop, you're in a fucking universe loop?"
"if it helps, i've wondered this too. also, you're hot in all of them. if that helps."
i point at you. "no flirting. i'm trying to figure out if i die today."
"who's flirting?" you catch my wild hands and give me that long, perfect smile. like we're in this together. "i won't let ya die." you check your watch and sigh again. "well. maybe not this time."
i grit my teeth. you are so not making quips at me while i try to explain the existential dread i'm having. "does the time loop reset if i fucking kill you?"
"honestly i don't know how long it continues after i die, because i just wake up. it could be that the loop goes until the explosion for everyone, and we're all in the loop, or it could be that when i die, the loop restarts. when i die i wake up, is all."
i pull away from you and stalk into the kitchen and start doing all 3 of my dishes. "okay, first, you know i was joking. and secondly, this is exactly my point. you don't know if this is just a parallel universe. maybe in the ones where you died, the explosion happened and nobody reset and it's just you travelling." i have to stop and push the heel of my palm into my eyeball. "... how often have you died?"
i look at you. you look at me. you give me this very sad, halfway smile and a little what can ya do shrug. something in that action seems so old and weary that i want to burst into tears.
"i have to go," you say. "really. for real. there's this family of five i save from getting into a car crash. and i know it's like oh but we're all gonna die in the explosion anyway, what's the point. and..." you shrug again. "it matters to me, is all. at least i saved them for now. at least i saved anything."
you pad over to me and wrap me in a tight hug. you always seem so tall against me. i feel your cheek rest against the top of my head for a moment. for a second, it's just us, and the space is warm, and my heart is a little broken hare.
you leave me there, and i stand in my stupid badly lit kitchen with my stupid mugs. i think about you. i start texting my mom that she needs to get out of the city, but it feels pointless.
i don't know what to do. tomorrow is the same day for you. but i have to prepare to die in my today.
#warm up#prose#i just realized that there's a horror film in there about being someone NOT in a loop.#if i wanted to make it longer i'd have them come back like SUPER battered and hellish.#on round like 999#like halfway through lunch like - YOU . I LOVE U . IM SORRY . I RUINED IT BC I LOVE U CANT U SEE THAT#but like. yeah man what happens when someone else in control of ur destiny#what happens to all the versions of u that DO die...#i also wanted a pre-redemption time looper - this person#(who in my brain is they/them)#is absolutelyyyyyy toying with the narrator bc the time looper is caught up in like#an emo angsty '' i can't have what i want bc i ruin things'' self harm spiral#and like literally the way out of that spiral is to TRY bud.#but this is a person pre-redemption. still kind of an ass. still not really listening to her#still a little bit ignoring that they kissed someone 3 days ago#still KNOWS she likes them and DOES like her back. but is just too chickenshit still.#we're talkin that person we've ALL dated that's like ''i can't be with u anymore bc i am Too Broken and I Can't Stand Hurting U"#... i imagine they grow up tho. eventually.
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yeehaw, baby!
#if u know me u knew this was inevitable#kon el#conner kent#tim drake#timkon#im gonna ramble after the boring tags ok#dc comics#fanart#western au#superboy#OK !!!! ITS TIME#so kon. obvs is a cowboy here#definitely a bit of a magnet for trouble but not an outlaw#still not the sort of person the son of the drake family's supposed to be talking to but yk kon's gonna try anyway#on tims end it pretty much follows the same events as the comics bc if it aint broke dont fix it#<- in terms of the whole sneaking out at night to do his own secret detective work thing at least#i have a whole silly story for the rest of it but im not gonna get into it all here lmao#but yeah i love cowboys and actual cowboy history vv much so this probably wont be the last u see of this au ദ്��ി ˉ꒳ˉ )✧#for now this post's rlly just for goofing around with design ideas#my art
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i have such a love for characters who descend into madness or villainy out of deep, deep empathy. characters who fundamentally cannot cope with the cruel realities they find themselves in and blow up about it in spectacular fashion. fallen angel type characters with tears of outrage in their eyes. characters who break before they bend, and break so badly they splatter blood all over their noble ideals. every variation on it gets me so good
#getou suguru#kaneki ken#abyss twin#i know there are others who im not thinking of rn#feel free to reblog with more examples#aphelion.txt#tropes#WAIT I REMEMBERED MORE#jaina proudmoore#dimitri alexandre blaiddyd#phosphophyllite#i just spent like half an hour trying to find this on tv tropes but it must be. Too specific of a thing i have in mind bc#I just kept finding similar and related but too broad categories#despair event horizon. fallen hero. well intentioned extremist. etc etc etc#like specifically i'm talking about when the character's EMPATHY is the CRUX of the problem. sosooo crunchyjuicytasty#edit:#also just know that i am reading every tag on this post#and enthusiastically scribbling down the names i dont recognizr#so i can check out their series later#edit 2 wow this post blew up 🫡 godspeed fellow villain likers#the amount of people tagging this as 'me lmao' is concerning to me#wwx#how did i fucking forget this was also yllz era wwx
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"just as I did, in 1983."
you'd never know my favourite parts of the show are the fucked up insane bits when my first instinct is to draw the cheesiest thing imaginable
#my art#interview with the vampire#iwtv amc#iwtv#armand iwtv#daniel molloy#armand#armandaniel#devils minion#drew this before the finale but idk maybe this is during the unspecified amount of time between armands divorce and daniels press tour#the titian painting doesnt fit at ALL with the timeline btw#i THOUGHT it did bc i assumed 1508 was when armand was turned into a vampire BUT upon reflection thats more likely the year he was born#and even then the painting was made in like 1510 so fuck me i guess. also im foggy on when armand was taken to rome#idk man i havent read the books and i failed art history on two separate occasions i cannot endeavor for accuracy#anyway as much as i love 70s/80s devils minion i have equal love for old man daniel#his cynicism has been tempered by time... refined like a diamond... he dont gaf and bullies his loser vampire and its hilarious#like ''sure yeah fine all these old italian renaissance guys saw ur ethereal otherworldly beauty but literally anybody can see that''#''IM the only mf who gets to experience the incandescent joy of seeing you be a messy idiot''#sidenote trying to make armand look unflattering is impossible u can blame the show for casting the worlds most beautiful man
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11/20
#big day for doomed yaoi enjoyers#(me)#i’m never ever doing this again i was screaming every minute coloring this i literally cannot do hard light#biggest case of “trust the process” i’ve ever experienced in my life#also i was gonna originally do a gun instead of knife to keep it canon but i quickly learned i can’t in fact draw guns#a knife is more symbolic anyway. stabbed in the back. yk#(trying to comfort myself that i can’t draw firearms even after eight years of art)#i remember playing this scene for the first time and actually breaking down at 2am bc that betrayal STUNG#i actually had no remorse for akechi after that 😭😭 i actually felt like a sadist for enjoying beating his ass in shidos palace#akechi as a character was specifically designed to make me go through all five stages of grief within a matter of minutes#absolute rollercoaster of emotions#ANYWAY IM FINALLY FREE TIME TO NOT DO ART FOR THE NEXT FOUR MONTHS 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼#persona 5 royal#persona 5#p5#p5r#ren amamiya#akira kurusu#goro akechi#akechi goro#shuake#akeshu#lotus draws
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growing up!
#FALLS TO THE FLOOR!!!!#so shocking news: the silver artbook actually killed me a little. this is the first finished pic ive made since#wow isnt it crazy that 26 completed illustrations would kinda take it outta ya. bananas. i need to Not do a full bg again for a minute#i had the stupid thought like 'oohhgh i could do a series of silver and lilia as hes growing up!!' im HITTING ME!!! NO MORE SERIES!!!#I CAN DO NON-RELATED PICS OF THAT IF I MUST!!! THE PRESSURE OF A SERIES IS TOO TIRING RN!!!!#my life is a whirlwind i JUST moved and now might need to move again bc the nepotism might work and id make a ton more#im trying to sell my house and its going very poorly. im doing well at work. ID HAFTA MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY AGAIN#ID BE BACK NOOOORTH id go to pennsylvania <3 im from new york so the thought of being closer to my mom is rly nice#and i have friends there both from high school and ohiiiio and new england etc etc!!!! YAY!!!#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#lilia vanrouge#suntails#did u miss this. be honest. when i vanish for months at a time do u miss the rambling life updates. theyre who i am
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yes audiobooks do count. put exactly how many and if you had a reading goal this year in the tags <3
also reblog for sample size please!!!
#very curious bc im realizing i did Not read nearly as much as i would've liked this year#idk if these number ranges are the right way to break it down but well see#i only got through 5 this year i fear#trying to finish at least two more by the end of december tho tbh
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AU where Mostro Lounge launches it as an official sporting event, because Azul smelled the business opportunity (featuring @raven-at-the-writing-desk's Miss Raven with Jade)
(Continuation of the book 4 mystery)
Bonus of the nefarious opportunistic octopus:
#twisted wonderland#twst#my art#floyd leech#jade leech#azul ashengrotto#twst yuu#twst mc#oc#shiokawa mayu#floyd leech x yuu#floydmayu#ace and deuce bet on different players just to cover their bases#you can guess who picks who#grims on the shore with them#go go yuu go get that prize money#you have 1 cat mouth at home to feed#im trying so hard to resist pulling for mermaid fin floyd#bc jamils bday is coming up soon#i dont pull floyd normally but that groovy is so good#i put 1 ten pull in and got 3 jamils in it so im like#alright ALRIGHT ill stop#hes mad at me...
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yeah we might be brothers in christ but so were cain and abel so shut the fuck up before i decide to find a rock about it
#postscript;#if you try to tell me cain and abel were not brothers in christ shut up pls#i've studied theology for nearly a decade. i know more than you.#christ's harrowing of hell exists to retroactively turn all of humanity even before his existence into ''brothers'' in christ#because it is not a literal term it is an evangelist term. bc christianity in all denominations is evangelistic in nature#not being a christian is 1. a moral incorrect choice according to them and#2. not actually possible. everyone is judged as a christian everyone is fundamentally supposed to be christian#calling someone a brother in christ is just calling them christian.#so ergo according to doctrine cain and abel are in fact brothers in christ#but#and this is far more important than any of that#i was not trying to be perfectly accurate to the theological timeline of the tanakh vs torah vs old testament vs new testament vs apocrypha#i was trying to make a silly one line joke on the internet#and all you do when you try to go Well Actually They Werent is make yourself look stupid and pedantic.#so for the love of god stop it with needing to be right online im so bored and tired
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We all know the semi-canonical ‘all the Robins know to hide/duck inside of Batman’s cape, even as adults’ thing.
We also know that Danny ‘is LITERALLY a ghost’ Fenton sucks at remembering his own intangibility while ALSO forgetting to look ahead of him.
All I’m saying is, Danny Fenton (or Phantom, if you’d really like) would absolutely SLAM into Batman on accident while running on roof tops and Bruce ‘Brooding Instinct’ Wayne doesn’t even think twice about letting the kid hide and scanning around for danger before there’s a record scratch of ‘wait who tf is this?’ kicks in.
#dp x dc#dpxdc#dc x dp#dcxdp#danny phantom crossover#listen I’m just SAYING#my initial thought is Fenton bc dark hair and how most of the robins have had dark hair#Danny isn’t even necessarily running from danger. he just got into parkour and forgot how to stop his momentum#I mean you CAN have him running from something. give this an ACTUAL plot#but honestly I just think it’d be a fun little setup#Danny peaks out and. in panic. goes#hi we’re the council of the dead. we’ve been trying to contact you and yours about your extended warranty#*extended life warranty or what have you#Danny hasn’t even gotten death vibes from anyone yet so now he has to wing it#yeah hi… uh. Batman sir. if that’s your preferred moniker?#right so we’re basically the ghost irs and you owe death taxes?#yeah you know the saying. death and taxes. guarantees of life. haha.#which in this case means you owe money bc you aren’t dead yet. probably. idk I uh. JUST got the job .#anyways ohhhh hi yep you’re. red hood. yeah so. mm. yeah we definitely need to get you to the ghostly dmv#it’s the same as a regular dmv but people have actually been bored to death in there#(meanwhile Batman is like WAIT IS THIS SMALL CHILD DEAD?!)#(SURE WHATEVER IM RICH HOW DO I FIND A GHOST ACCOUNTANT AND MORE IMPORTANTLY DO YOU RESPECT GHOST ADOPTIONS?)
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