#that puts such a panic into me my god
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/slaps forehead/ nothing in the tags regarding the gig boner pics I did see which is why that one escaped flagging too. It all makes sense now
Anything that was remotely horny on main from back in the day was wiped out by nothing more than an ai machine.
And these people have long abandoned their blogs why would they have even tried to appeal any of it
#I’m upset it may seem mild and stupid but#it erased history and I don’t like that#it’s erased part of my own history and the muse fandom’s history#that puts such a panic into me my god#no wonder my grandma was so into preserving history and contributed so much to the local history museum#I get it#I GET IT SO MUCH#I mourn microcuts.net too and I wish so much that I had just been aware we could have lost it before it was lost#I would have saved EVERYTHING#ugh#remind me to back up my tumblr once my queue finishes posting
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head in my hands the final gintoki.
#on my shit -> just the fact that [if u can beat gintoki into submission u have him in submission voice] if u can. hm. substitute action.#[thinking about dying kitten sugi being so blatantly in love with him it gets the aro guy to panic response start talkin about#taking him on dates <- just for sugi to turn him down. really beautiful maneuver on his part.] if u can. hm.#[spends the next three hours trying to mathematically separate sugi from everyone else whos in love w gin but doesnt get reciprocated]#<- our special little princess#zura loved him just as long but zura's self sufficient. many clients love gintoki And need gintoki. tsukki..........................#tsukki theyre like matched Not Ready For That. gintoki ready to put that revelation off for forever in fact#[scrunching up my face and rushing past it] i think hijikata needs him but doesnt love him#sakamoto also loves gintoki but doesnt need him but Sort of in the same way as sugi that it makes gintoki somehow want to pursue him#sacchan.......... god bless. well he Was going to marry her#hm. so anyways i cant complete the joke please imagine it for me. you can get gintoki to start talking about taking u on dates#sopping wet gintoki posting
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🎸 happy uncneen pepinursteppermint wintereve 🍬 ❤️🔥
❤️🤘 + ft. how i think my styles would say HYH
#;careless watcher: turn your gaze upon this wretched thing.#thats the face tag because i love to laugh#thank g0d i am not in the field i'm in right now because i have to go through extensive therapy because now i can take insane#pictures of me with no remorse LeTSSSSSS GOOOooOOo#bc i nuked my blog i do think this post is between me and *apathetic spiteful kenny n fratboy fuckb0i clydvc* the G-MAN#but either way *rs doing the sexc raven voice and trying to badly conceal his identity and woo jk vc* usually i get...#~wined and dined~ before strange boys make themselves at home in my lap so god: take notes; i want honey walnut shrimp#not me in the goth edgy boy x basic jewish boy thotmn before ncu stan season ravenstanley beanie the jersey gold s#stan necklace and the sun moon earring and the big comfort nina stan earring and the eye dot sakdhlaskd can you tell i'm#using my fanfic to cope? helpsajdklj rip i have been wearing fake reading glasses and wearing the glass heart necklace#to microdose being both the boys at the same time when i am out in public so i can relax sdhk rip AGAIN its helping me thinks#but it goes against the letter spelling in sign language but i think rock on/ily peace and rock on ily is the style scribing HYH#either way its my birthday i was feeling euphoric or manic or insane or all three and now i have bangs and i am drinking#the peppermint beer to cope with my 13k fanfic and my 150+ page blog being deleted and losing all 100 followers on here#and all my fanfiction followers in a grand mal level panic attack :( so we all ( like 3 ppl ) have to cope with my weird face#and my lame gen x peace signs and gigantic scary foreboding eyeballs and strange behavior for tonight and tomorrow#where i will drinking to forget and rewriting remember fML but i am excited bc its gonna be extra good now even if its just#for me -- as it should be: but whoever is here and along for the ride pls know i'm thankful for you and my birthday tomorrow#is also yours: you mean everything to me...also i might make a holiday playlist just to laugh -- also should i pierce my nose?#peppermint stan era? i have been thinking about him a lot ( no nyquil i promise ) that and my eyebrow...many rstan thoughts#i am drafting their outfits at the moment and it is giving me so much Joy; they are so FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIONE LIKE MAAAANnN#its a spoiler but i am putting rm: relit ravenstan in the ~Save Rock: Fuck A Rockstar~ tanktop bc i love to laugh#you don't even need a match that man LIGHTS IT UUUP BITch#hOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO woO wW z AAAAh#he really is my MAAAN i love him so bad AND ohmyGOD jkyle in the bif columbia sweatshirt & 2014 messy tumblr girl bun?!??!#sCRUMDIDDLYUMpCIOUSSSSSSS HIT ME BABY /ONE/ /MORE/ /tImE/ KSDHskldh hOOOoooOoOo K.O. kNoCKAHWT#JERSEYKYLE CAN BEAT MY ASS ANYTIME FREE OF CHARGE: i will pay him in easy a bitcoin or target giftcards like his lil boytoys do ;)#EloHIM if you WWWWWWWWWWWWWILL and he won't call you lmaOOOOooO ( he is my problematique fave: he rlly is xx )#wASTE THEIR TIIIIiiIIIIIIIIIIIIME JERSEYpICKMECHOOSeM--#anywaYsss alexa play the pop punk cover of dancing queen ft me taylor swift half white girl swaying sipsy in the M0sh P1t <3
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I’m just here as your friendly neighborhood podcast listener and current layabout with not much going on.
I’ve seen a few things about Eddie and the community turning on him quickly. I think a lot of things people aren’t remembering or realizing is just how prevalent the satanic panic was, and is, in the US.
Now there’s no chance that everyone in Hawkins hated Eddie and believed the satanic stuff. I mean, look at everyone in Hellfire. I guarantee parents were wary at first but then Eddie shows up like a goofball or has a string of ma’am’s and sir’s and they realize he’s just a kid with a lot attached to his name from a lot of terrible circumstances.
Anyways. A good thing to listen to is the You’re Wrong About podcast. Specifically these episodes.
Very first one of the podcast:
And then these two both have multiple parts to them, the first one is actually about the book that kind of jumpstarted the whole panic to begin with.
This also has multiple parts. This one is about someone getting seduced by a ‘satanic cult’.
These would have been books that while not everyone would have had one in their home, anyone who was devout or at the least religious, would have bought or read their own copy.
Basically all I’m getting at is that Eddie would have had a lot going against him. I know that a lot of people didn’t want to read Flight of Icarus but Eddie’s character is built on a very shaky foundation. The town dogpiling when the ‘Queen Bee’ gets killed, especially if they’ve already decided that he is a satanist? It was only a matter of time.
#Eddie Munson#Writing#also#Eddie doesn’t help his case by acting out#that’s not me blaming him because literally why join the bastards?#when no matter what you do they’re never going to accept you#so stick your tongue out and make horns at them because it’s gonna get you laugh#do you think he ever thought any of those things would happen to him?#god no#if he’d had even a bit of foresight into the events that would unfold I guarantee he would put his head down#or finally just dropped out#why would he willingly stick around a bunch of townies with no more sense between them than two rocks#I have a lot of feelings about this#because the satanic panic is like a really big thing in the US#was a big part of my childhood#I remember hearing about it all through high school and I graduated in 08#so it hasn’t gone anywhere#it’s just mutated
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shoutout 2 this person in my class who i can tell wants 2 talk 2 me really bad but instead of doing that whenever she has the chance she'll talk 2 whoever else is around and ignore me entirely unless im mentioned by name
#bruh lmao#so awkward. say something you dingus lol#ik you wanna talk 2 me so bite the bullet already#gyatt#spacie spoinks#literally. she was having a conversation with my partner for the project im doing. and like#heres the thing#if im not invited into conversation i usually dont participate#im like a vampire like that#and so like. after they're done conversating she'll just kind of. stand there. this has happened twice now#like dude sdkfjshlkdfj#im not upset by this behavior i have very awful social patterns as well and have been thru this (i am autistic)#am i gonna hafta say something. lol#probably#''hey bro whats up with you. i dont mean like how are you doing. i mean like. whats wrong with you.''#cant say that its not funny when you say it irl only when the ppl you're talking with know you're not being mean 😭#also like. this person has been staring at me lol#which like. makes me flustered so whenever she's around i panic and my face fucking turns red its god awful#for awhile it made uhh. my paranoia get really bad im ngl!!#its already bad when it comes 2 being around strangers but this like made it REALLY bad for a few weeks#im more calm now tho. rational brain won over and im chillin#i gotta work up the courage 2 say something b4 the semester is over or this is gonna bother me for the rest of my life sfkjsdhflkjs#i dont wanna put her on the spot#the only time i see her is when im in class#and . doing that interaction in front of ppl. i dont wanna embarrass her ksjfskjd
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ANDREW GARFIELD & FLORENCE PUGH
at the Valentino Womenswear Spring/Summer 2024 show as part of Paris Fashion Week on October 01, 2023 in Paris, France.
"We saw you from across the bar and really dig your vibe."
#andrew garfield#florence pugh#we saw you from across the bar and really dig your vibe#just for fun#bi panic#i'd love to anyway#hyperventilating#they're so hot#hmmm many thoughts#my pussy is throbbing#judge me idc#sexy dreams#whoever decided to put andrew garfield in light pink deserves to be kissed#he looks so perfect in these earthy tones#why is he so cute and so hot at the same time#pink coat#pink#god i need to [redacted] with him so much#valentino womenswear spring/summer 2024 show#paris fashion week 2023#fashion show#valentino#paris#peter parker#spider man#the amazing spider man#tasm#tasm peter parker#andrew peter parker#sincericida
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Make Use Of Me (chapter 1, preview)
Dec. 7 EDIT: ONCE MORE, WITH BRAVERY THIS TIME. No more chickening out. You can read this thing FOR REAL now. Sorry for being weird, and now....sorry if this wasn't worth it. XD
O-OK...here goes....
First thing's first: I am not expecting a lotta people to read this. I'm not asking people to read this. At this point, I'm making this mostly as a passion project, and if anyone enjoys it, it'll be a really cool bonus. My writing style isn't gonna be for everyone, and the characters I write aren't the most....popular characters in the CRK X Reader community, and I imagine this isn't really something a lotta fans'll be demanding more of.
This is LONG. This one chapter is 56 pages long. I am a VERY wordy writer,
So......why'm I posting this preview? Well....partially as an interest gauge for people who WOULD wanna read it, but...mostly as a motivator. As something to remind myself of whenever I get lazy. After all....I can't quit after I made the first chapter public, right? By doing that, I put myself out there...And, hey, I even tagged it, so, if by the off chance, someone did read it, I'm basically promising them more eventually.....
But, again, I'm not forcing anyone to read this.
Not only is it long, but.....This first chapter is probably my least-favorite thing I've ever written. By posting this chapter by itself, I'm testing to see if it does its job of making people wanna read the rest, cuz....right now, I'm not so sure how well it succeeds at that.....
This is the boring part of the story. It's a bunch of setup, and me jumping through hoop after hoop after hoop to just get everything started. I know setup is important and all, but....I'm already a very wordy writer, so....oof....There is some interesting stuff that happens, but it takes a while to get there.
I-I....kinda hate it, actually. The only reason I didn't scrap it is that I didn't realize I hated it until I was about halfway through it and the "good part" hadn't started yet. And I still spent a month writing the thing, so....I finished it.
I'm tagging this...as an experiment. If you wanna read this, go ahead. W-well, read my tags first, THEN go ahead. XD
All I can really say in this chapter's defense is that....I do try my best to salvage it. It's just setup, but I TRIED to make it interesting. And everything that seems like it didn't go anywhere, will later. This isn't the whole story, it's just the beginning of what's gonna be a BIG story. Anything that seems weird in this chapter, gets explored in the other chapters. This does set up a bunch of stuff that becomes important later (The friend character shows up later, the Colosseum becomes relevant later). This chapter is boring, but I tried not to make any of it pointless.
For the future: I'm aiming for five chapters. Chapters 2 and 3 will be a series of smaller vignettes that take place over the course of a few years, chapter 4 will be the climax, and chapter 5 will be something of an epilogue. After that, there will be two endings to choose from (which will make sense when we get there).
This probably won't be my favorite thing I've ever written, but it will be the most ambitious thing I've ever, and probably will ever, write. I haven't written something like this before, and it's all to flesh out this story and make it believable.
Right now, I.....I want to finish this. I'll probably still be writing this in February at the rate I'm going, but...at this point, I've put too much into it to give up on it. However, I'm STILL not completely ruling out the idea of my motivation dying before then. It COULD happen. So, what I'm planning to do is...setting a short-term goal of finishing chapter 3. After I do that, I'll post the first three chapters on AO3 together, and work on the rest. That way, even if I don't finish it, I'll at least have it over half done, and chapter 3 will end on a somewhat high note.
So, yyyyeah....Not a lotta people will read this preview. Overly wordy writing style + boring setup part of story + 56 pages long + assumed lack of interest for X Readers of this character (At least, I haven't SEEN many simps for her, m-maybe I'm wrong, I might be, I-I haven't checked any tags cuz I've been nervous, b-but it doesn't make my writing any better. In that case, this is my first time writing her so I'm trying super hard to do her justice >//////<)
I-if you wanna read this, and see if this first chapter does a good job of making you wanna read the better chapters, then...Go ahead.....
Some notes:
-This is still not the final draft. It's finalized enough for me to share, but I'm still not considering it finished. Even tho I'm working on chapter 3 right now, I STILL go back and edit this, even very recently. So, chances are, even if the story is finalized, small details and sentences are still subject to change. I know for a fact that there are still SOME placeholder bits in here that will change after I get some stuff cleared up. Recently, I even considered chopping off an entire section to make it shorter. I decided not to, but hey, it could still happen. I don't wanna waste anyone's time. The first chapter of a story, even if it's boring, is still very important, and I wanna make sure it's the best version of itself.
(A-and yes, this means that I've finished chapter 2 as well. The reason I'm not sharing it is that, unlike chapter 1, it was finished VERY recently, so I might still need to give myself time to edit it. From what I have, tho, I do like it a LOT more than chapter 1. There are some parts of chapter 2 that I'm legit proud of.)
-Even tho this first chapter is completely clean, I-I should mention that....this fic is for adults. The full version, at least. Chapters 3 and 4 are gonna contain some light N/S/F/W moments (the "fade to black" variety, so nothing explicit) and there'll be other slightly racey comments here and there. Just a heads-up. I'm gonna be uncomfy with minors reading this.
Th-that's all? I-I think that's all.......O-OK, so......h-here goes..... E-enjoy....
#fanfic preview#WARNING: UNFINISHED#THIS IS JUST THE FIRST CHAPTER#......AND ITS STILL A LONG READ#cookie run x reader#crk x reader#golden cheese cookie x reader#gender neutral reader#also contains a gender neutral 'friend' character you can do what you want with#basically i got inspired by that part in her bio that mentions how...#....shes always looking to add more loyal subjects#and it made me imagine the story of an outsider who gradually integrates into the kingdom and earns her approval#so its an underdog story basically#and there a LOT that the reader gets put through#reader is shy and socially awkward but can also be a bit more sarcastic than the other reader characters ive written#im aiming for a BIT more comedy than usual since its my first crk fic that doesnt take place in the humorless dark cacao kingdom XD#but yeah reader is a ball of anxiety#they get panic attacks later on#pre canon#VERY VERY VERY pre canon#takes place DECADES before canon#before um....the lost city became lost#its not virtual#no errors no avatars#just a technologically advanced city#power imbalance and god complex stuff all over the place cuz fghdhgfhdhfgh im weak for that part of her#also contains some themes of verbal abuse (from nameless characters toward reader)#and like i said it has some adult moments later on#contains a lot of time skips
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been able to keep both my fear and hype about totk in check by watching nothing but elden ring videos for weeks but now i read something on accident and my anxiety is going through the roof again
#ganondoodles talks#pls nintendy#dont do this#it was only a sentence with no clear spoilers or anything#but by god its put fear in my heart again#pls let totk be its own game#id even be willing to spoil myself on some stuff just to know my fear isnt based on truth#i hate that i feel like this#even if im better able to stop panic attacks before they happen#i still feel so silly for feeling so strongly about a game and its lore#but no matter what i try i cant help it#its been my thing of comfort for so long i wouldnt know what else i would focus on if i were to lose it#and it would be so much work - years of work- basically wasted#plus i would feel so bad having made people be interested only to abandon it before its even really started#the only thing giving me comfort if this was the case is knowing id just post all lore -concept art -drafts and scripts#as a sort of -this is what i had been working on for all these years- so at least the people who cared could get an idea of it#and in the unlikely case that it would be liked by alot of people#i would keep working on it despite it making no sense anymore#im rambling on trying to calm myself down#sorry#gotta be exhausting reading my anxious ass tags over and over#;__;
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.
#one of the things I have to be careful of this school year#is not putting all this pressure on myself to suddenly be wiser and more stable and more knowledgeable than I am right NOW#not to mention organized#my ambition with teaching has grown sooooo much as my teacher self has stabilized#like oh shoot. I want to be ACTUALLY good at this. not just getting by on personality or passion#but idk. that can just open up all sort of rabbit holes for me to fall down. where I panic about not knowing more or being a different kind#of teacher. like I just need to a) stay the course. b) make small changes to be more disciplined/try to teach writing/grammar a little bit#better. a little bit at a time.#because it’s already such an overwhelming job#also on a more profound level I need to keep remembering it’s not about me and asking God to guide me#because it’s like. there are just suddenly a lot of eyes turned my way#in terms of just being like ‘yeah you’re a Real Teacher now’#not that they’re even saying it. but the kids have accepted it. the student body has accepted it#(benefit of staying in the same place for 5 years)#and so it is a whole new pressure#but yeah. I think not giving in to it and just trying to chip away at being more organized and more in-depth and a better communicator#and assessor#(sp?) and just yeah all of it#just reflecting. and rambling.
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I want to take a bite out of someone's arm but I'm too shy
#it's ok to reblog this post and ignore the rant in the tags I don't mind at all /gen#hi guys#got another load of trauma from school#and I am not dealing with it well at all my legs have been shaking so badly for 4 hours now#had a panic attack so bad that my face went numb and the edges of my vision went black and my legs gave way#I hate my teacher she's horrible god I can't even go into it here there's so much#I'm tired of getting abused at school I've been to half a dozen schools and have not gotten traumatised at ONLY ONE OF THEM#I have no adults I can go to about this#whenever I try to talk with her and the head teacher about the situation and why I'm fucking terrified of her she acts so patient and kind#whenever I'm alone with her she will yell at me about everything I'm doing wrong and continue yelling even when I'm in tears#she will berate me and put me down and insult me directly#when she gives feedback she always puts effort into making it hurt#the language she uses for negative feedback is never what a teacher should say it's always personal and uses your weaknesses to hurt you#I get really bad intrusive thoughts about her hurting me physically because of how terrified I am of her#the worst part is she acts nice and sweet whenever she's not picking apart my weaknesses and being cruel about my disabilities#I felt so sick after that I haven't eaten since#vent tw#trauma tw#listen to my gibberish boy#ggod I hate this school
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Teen Wolf Motel California
So many thoughts about Teen Wolf Motel California
#So like I’m well and truly stoned#But like Boyd#This is like a crazy thing to be the third thing we learn about Vernon Boyd#We know he’s lonely. We know he was/is in ROTC. We know that as a child a CHILD his sister went missing#And they don’t even give us all the information about that! That makes me so mad#And Scott#We’ve been fed hints that Scott feels like a failure for three episodes now#And the kind of vision he get is SO INTERESTING. This vision hasn’t happened yet and while it is something we know he worries about#It’s such a specific situation. Why not Matt? Or Gerard? Why Duecalion? The first two have actually threatened Melissa’s life before#The goal was totally for him to want to kill Deucalion#And there were only 3 more deaths predicted not 4#How much of that was Scott and much of it was the Darach?#And then they put that thought in my head and have Scott consistently throw himself at dangerous situations without further addressing this#Ever again#And Issac#Every other time we see him a panic response#it’s like fight or flight (I can’t remember if those are real or not but for the purpose of language and I’m high I’m using them?)#But this time he freezes#Why#and like the whole thing with Ethan too#Like that just makes really neat implications about whatever the fuck the twin wolf mega wolf thing means#Like who has control? Is it equal? Do they know where Ethan starts and Aidan begins?#But like also I’m high and I don’t think the writers thought this much about this shit before writing this episode#It just gives me so many worms in my brain they are eating my brain oh my god#Teen Wolf
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Homoerotically fixes your throat mic
#modern warfare#call of duty#blender renders#call of duty modern warfare#cod mwii#mwii#phillip graves#ship: high places#oc: jax#jackie ramirez#dont look at me im in my horn knee era#graves' gunship has seen some shit#ehhfjejcjdjcj GOD#they may or may not have gotten into the habit#of putting on each other's mics#well at first it was mainly jax that did it#graves injured his shoulder in urzikstan and jack was just like 'smh let me do it'#gay panic ensues#CoD OC
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hot new* Dragonstorm bug let's go
ended the intro cutscene to find myself randomly teleported into Primordus's lava, taking no damage. so I ran away and immediately burst into flames and just... started taking continuous damage, the fire overlay stuck on my screen. Just Permanently On Fire.
and then the grand twist: attacking Jormag finally put me out so I guess the dragons really do neutralize each other! wild
* DISCLAIMER: I have no idea if this bug is actually new, this is just the first time I've ever experienced it so it's new to ME specifically
#my posts#gw2#guild wars 2#weirdest bug i've had there in a while tBH#and definitely the funniest since that time Aurene put Scarlet in gay baby jail (she was dropped out of bounds at the very top of the cliff#wish i'd had the presence of mind to screenshot when i was at Primordus tho because that was ALSO really weird#like the cutscene ended and i was just ????? on where the heck i was because there was lava and fire everywhere#and i was NOWHERE near that area when it started#so i guess i just??? got teleported there???? for some reason????? it really caught me by surprise since like#i thought i'd start taking damage there hence why i ran away immediately in a blind panic but i only burst into flames AFTER#and you can see i didn't have an actual fire debuff either despite being visually burning and taking damage from it#god GW2 has weird bugs lmao. never change
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I’m sorry for going on a fandom posting spree for the third time within two months but I KEEP FORGETTING TO SHOW YOU THIS
they’re all on trial and varying levels of worried about it and also they’re all testifying at once. good luck lawyers
#i think that they like to stay together as much as possible when thrown into horrible situations#they’re literally a pack… they’re … they#show them a human and they PANIC they would NOT BE CALM AT ALL IN JAPANIFORNIA#yes this is octonauts isekai into ace attorney. what about it#get athena out here :(#octonauts#ace attorney#my fingers are trying to remember how to function like they used to#autofill and draw-type saving me but its takin a while#ohh god tags….#captain barnacles#kwazii octonauts#peso octonauts#tweak octonauts#dashi octonauts#professor inkling#shellington octonauts#octonauts tunip#i love how barn and ink have such long titles i can put them alone#and then. everyone else#ANYWAYS.. maybe last post till august. sobs#me when august is in 6 minutes >:)
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I didn’t go to sculpture again……
#please please please I have anxiety I have a mental illness#I can’t make myself go there it’s hell idk why I’m just so nervous every time I make myself feel sick#and then I get another excuse not to go becuase I literally feel like I’m gonna throw up#I’m not going to pass if I don’t start going there…….#and I cannot handle repeating a semester#I live in fear#and it doesn’t help that I have intermedia class later today which is my second greatest enemy and just as dreadful#banging head on the table#I need to be wrapped in a blanket and go to sleep forever#god even if I go there I’m never going to be able to come up to my prof and talk to him about my project I get physically I’ll at the#slightest suggestion from my friends that I should finally do it#everyone’s done it already#I will literally cry if anyone talks to me#the profs just intimidate me so badly I feel like they hate me#and everyone says they’re super nice but I can’t make myself believe ittttt they will eat me alive#but if I never go I won’t pass the class and repeating the semester will cost money#pleas I have the stupid project idea ready but I just can’t do it I’ve thought about just emailing them and doing it all through email but#I couldn’t do that either I’m just in panic mode instantly#so yeah I’m just venting not asking ppl for solutions 😶✌️ I just don’t want to text my friend again bc I’ve been putting way too much on#them#they do practically everything for me anyway bc I can’t do shit by myself#uh ok I just need to put this SOMEWHERE#I’m gonna curl up and draw metal or whatever#ugh I know I’m making things worse by not coming#but I can’t make myself I just cant I’m gonna have an anxiety attack ✌️#no one look at me#I being sensitive and vulnerable here
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hey god if you've created someone for me can you introduce me to them sooner? i kinda need them now
#like i know i know im sad and hurt but in my heart even the worst breakup friendship or otherwise can kill my hope#like i know this is gods plan for me this is my arc but god it's getting worse and harder everyday#i thought nothing could be worse than yesterday but i hadn't lived today them#then*#i need to talk to someone so bad oh god sl yesterday i had the exam right#and like i don't even know what happened i thought i was going to fail even after giving my 2000% studying#for like 10 hours a day for 15 days for this one exam#and i was panicking and shivering so bad that my heart felt like it would fly out of my chest it was beating so hard#and so fast it didn't even beat like that when i climb too many stairs#and i tried to deep breathe but nothing worked it was so scary like yeah i get stressed sometimes#but this was another level so scary i was nauseous too#and then i clicked submit and i got 82!!!#when i was so sure i was gonna fail because i was only sure about 54 marks answers and the passing was 50#and i got really happy and relieved and then i realized. oh. i don't have anyone to tell#like yeah i told my dad and he was like oh cool ofcourse you did very good#because he doesn't GET it that im not smart anymore and 10th cbse is not an accurate measure of intelligence#he wasn't even happy or surprised he was like well nice obviously#and that's it. i didn't have anyone else to tell#granted i hadn't even told anyone i was giving the exam. i mean i say anyone as if im swimming in friends#only have one. two if u stretch. and i didn't say. cause like idk doesn't really seems like anyone cares#and aah stupid emotional me before the exam i was feeling sad and trying not to panic (??? why??) and CRY in the car because i was thinking#that how my mom always drops me to exam centres and we talk i play music and when im getting out she says all the best beta#and the beta. wow i typed this and immediately have tears in my eyes now. i don't even understand why but#idk i made it up to be a little tradition in my head and i really wanted to call my mom and say mom pls can u say all the best#to me now bc i think ill fuck it up and im really scared and maybe if u give your blessing it'd be okay. but then i thought how embarrassin#it wld be if i failed. bc we don't have any kind of rship my mom and me. and then when she heard i passed from dad she didn't even call me#or anything. thank god i didn't do all that drama but fucking hell. this is all just for me right nobody cares not my parents#and it's too difficult im crumbling under the pressuee but i have to grit my teeth and do it or ill never be able to get out of this house#and i know ill find people when i do get out. but in the meantime. please god ji just one person idc who girl boy friend or love ANYONE#ik it's weak & ik i shld be enough on my own. but pls i just CAN'T.they dont even have to put up with me they just have to care a bit
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