#thank god for my psychiatrist
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So, I have autism. One aspect of autism and/ or adhd is RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's used to describe a type of emotional disregulation.
I accidentally made a relatively popular post (for me). (It currently has 2,900 notes. My next most popular post has 100.) 2,900 notes, and of them, only about 12 people who responded were negative and/ or confused. I was CONSUMED with feelings of anger, anxiety, rejection, and sadness about those 12 people. 12 out of 2900.
RSD is ridiculous.
But my psychiatrist added a new antidepressant, and suddenly those feelings are blunted, and I can let go of things that cause me anxiety. But I can still experience joy, etc. It's like... my emotions are less overwhelming, but I can still feel them? I hope I'm describing it well enough.
Is this how *normal people feel?
(*Normal, of course, is relative. In this case, it refers to people who are neurotypical and/ or do not suffer from mental illness.)
#autism#adult autism#late diagnosis#actually autistic#actually neurodivergent#mdd#major depressive disorder#treatment resistant depression#social anxiety#anxiety#generalized anxiety disorder#rsd#rejection sensitive dysphoria#i'm on sooooo many meds#i'm on soooooo many antidepressants#antidepressants#another one!#like... 5 different antidepressants#that's a lot#i was on zoloft for 10 YEARS#only to find out i have a gene mutation that made it not work right#thank god for my psychiatrist#i can feel happiness again#depression#nuerodiversity#mental illness#mental health#neurodivergent
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Sigh. I wanna do creative stuff but I really drained myself today
#got rly overwhelmed with some feelings i didnt realize i had while i was coming home from work#and been kinda out if it since#forgot i had a psych appointment and my psychiatrist had to call me#thank god he does tho#or id have missed it#i wanna draw but im so so tired#maybe it's time to lean into the traditional stuff ive been playing with#idk thiugh we'll see#might just watch pokemon vids or read nosleep stories
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killer should know about dumb video game meta stuff ike i-frames and animation cancels and critting amd breaking out of bounds and use it to his advantage in fights. maybe he learned it from chara in something new as a silly little thing to try out because theyre already teaching him all this bullshit on killing so whos to say a video game character cant learn a player's cheats?? he's already interacted and collaborated with a player before i think its fair he knows tricks on how to cheat undertale's fighting system
everything's all fine and dandy in a fight against killer (no it isn't) until you see him glitching around and somehow phasing through your attacks. he looks ridiculous but it gets the job done
#i have no idea if any of these mechanics are actually IN undertale#theyre just some ones i came up with in games i play#i mean if they don't exist in the ut fighting just like. pretend they do idk????#i just think it would be cool if killer could do that. he fights dirty and when i mean dirty i mean totally cheating#SANS UNDERTALE CHEATS WHY CANT HE!!!! but he gets to cheat in a more game breaking way#when you fight killer there is no YOUR turn and HIS turn its ALWAYS his turn. and youre just helplessly attacking during it#guys in this one im not talking about meta awareness im talking about loser META strats. most effective tactics available#stage 4 chara wins ahh acting like a goddamn sweaty gamer. because what am i supposed to interpret with chara wins????#chara wins means NOTHING to me??? i can only assume that it means killer either acts like chara or fully listens to whatever chara wans#boo boo boring im a VIDEO GAME PLAYER not a goddamn psychiatrist. i will always choose the more fun option#killer becoming like chara/player is infinitely more cool than him and all the psychological stuff going on in stage 4 to b obeying orders#yeahhhh like sure there probably IS a bunch of crazy stuff in stage 4 related to psychology but also#unga booga character act like YOU cool idea. besides stage 4 is almost never elaborated on#so to me that's up to personal interpretation. everything is personal interpretation if not brought up#i say as i make the most ridiculous unfathomable headcanons for the mtt just because the topics aren't mentioned#I HAVE FREE WILL I HAVE FREE WILL MY MIND HAS FREEDOM I CAN POST ANYTHING I THINK ABOUT#ok thank god because i hate having to worry about my posts#ok i dont have anything left to say about this hc so im bringing up SOMETHING NEW (haha)#killer reminds me of I'm High!!! by maretu. except replace all mentions of a girl with w a person for chara#and somehow manage to work around the mentions of love and romance. because i really really dont wanna make killer into a kid diddler#but aside from the mentions of love and specific gende??? i think it fits!!#ugh so many songs fit killer ITS NOT FAIR!!!! i can NEVER find songs for horror.... am i not looking hard enough ☹️☹️☹️#im hard#actually i found a song that fits horror lets GOOOO maretu coming in clutch with NAMIDA ‼️‼️#dokuhaku does too :3 maretu my glorious king how many great songs of yours fit the murder time trio#killer sans#murder time trio#sans au#utmv#tricule hc
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Been flying through making poses today, and here's one of my favorites so far...
(if you're thinking "Morri, is that another "suitor tucking Fallon's hair behind her ear" pose?" then the answer would be yes. Sorry.)
#pose wip#delete later#I really really hope I can get at least ONE more RTQ post out before the end of the year.#that would make me SO happy. like that's my only goal for the rest of the year.#and now it looks like it might actually be possible???#THANK GOD for my new psychiatrist lmao.#the more I think about it this pose is SUPER similar to the one where Hermes put the flower in Fallon's hair.#but idc. it's CUTE okay?#let me enjoy my babies in peace
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i took a break from kinktober writing to crochet a sweater (my first wearable project, im very excited) and i'm listening to the throne of glass audiobook while i do it (IT'S REALLY GOOD IM ANNOYED I DIDNT START ON THE SERIES SOONER??????)
BUT all this to say, i got the idea to - if this sweater goes well - make a velaris sweater :') with ramiel on it :') it's already a thing i know but ive wanted one since the first time i saw one on tiktok but i dont wanna buy clothes on tiktok bc im worried about wearing anything THAT cheap bc i have sensitive skin, and theyre WAY expensive on etsy, so i will make my own :D
#this has nothing to do with writing#sorry yall#i just had to tell someone#and no one ik irl likes acotar or crochets so like#yall get to deal with my ramblings about it#anyway kinktober days 1-17 are done#im sweating idk how im balancing everything rn#no sleep and hanging on by a thread?#5 classes this semester; 20+ hours a week at the lab; OVERSEEING INCOMPETENT PEOPLE AT LAB; PERSONAL EMOTIONAL TURMOIL#crocheting; writing; and somehow still managing to clean and cook and eat and shower and skincare and GOD#i know a lot of this is like...... normal stuff a person needs to do every day but like#im medicated girls.... and the wellbutrin is not wellbutrining rn#has not been for like weeks now#maybe i need to talk to my psychiatrist........#yikes oversharing now gonna go#i was gonna write but i simply do not feel like it#i am going to make my sweater and listen to tog thank you#this has been my daily pop in with you guys
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Hey it’s absolutely buckwild how quickly one little seed of an intrusive thought will have me fucking spiraling
#the kind of night once again where I’m like ‘maybe I should talk to my doctor about a mood stabilizer’#but I probably need to find an actual psychiatrist first and confirm the tentative cptsd diagnosis from my therapist#and that sounds like a 95% chance of being retraumatized at the very first appointment#so no fucking thanks#hoooooo my brain#this is god keeping me humble I swear
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it's just me and my mood swings against the world
#my extreme and rapid mood swings have been terrible these days but oh well 👍#thank god i have an appointment with my psychiatrist in over a week#rambles
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Took another day off. My manager is gonna murder me but what can I say. I love living on edge <- anxiety gone up by 60%
#i genuinely feel bad and I'm considering asking my psychiatrist to have a session tomorrow or today instead of next week#i have therapy tomorrow thank god bc this shit is killing me
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I don’t make enough money to have these many health problems so early in my life
My body needs to get its shit together or something
#i have inflamed tissue in my feet that won’t get better without orthotics#and my insurance won’t cover that at all#and then I have to pay almost a grand to stop my teeth from wearing down#thank god my psychiatrist is nice and switched my medication to something my insurance covers#that’s one good thing in this financial shitstorm that is living in the US
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boy why are you so problems
#can i pleasee just look at my words and images without being reminded of how i’m gods most pathetic creature#txt#thank god im seeing a psychiatrist soon
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I made my appointment. Got prescribed literal ketamine. Got home safe.
#mun;;#tbd;;#it all worked out. only almost missed one bus#caught it tho thank god (: it was scary#i didnt get my taco bell tho ):<#bc my stupid psychiatrist was busy on the phone and took too long and i didnt have time to wait on an order.
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thinking abt how i was very close to being an alcoholic
#mental health was shit and i went out a lot so i had access to alcohol#but now my parents and i are settled and they dont drink at all and i rarely go out so no alcohol#my psychiatrist called me up to check up on me#she made me realise how bad teenage alcholism can be but thank god im out that bad space#ask to tag#gaya.txt
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You know its bad when you mention your work frustrations to your psychiatrist and they, a layman in your discipline, say "wait how are you supposed to do that."
#that sounds incredibly unreasonable. you arent working overtime right????#jobs dont care about you you need to take care of yourself#my psychiatrist is very much a wham bam thank u maam medical relationship#he took 10 minutes without prompting to be like#lmao god...and i still ended up staying 2 hours over. but its prompting me to be more firm about boundaries at least#r talks
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wrote out a calendar for my next two weeks bc i am so overwhelmed and dysfunctional rn and even scheduled when i’m going to shower
#(now i just have to follow the schedule)#broke down and emailed my psychiatrist to make an appt for tuesday 🙏🏻🙏🏻 getting that vyvanse Rx thank god 🙏🏻🙏🏻
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,
making this one binary. no ghost agnosticism allowed. but explain the nuances in the tags if you want.
#Honestly#I think there is no real answer#We can search for things to prove and disprove both sides#but there is a thing such as perception blindness#and like the reason kids are the most reliable sources for ghost shit#is because they see with unclouded eyes#Having no beliefs that contradicted reality#they just see what was there#I was one of those kids#and i wrote and drew everything down and talked about it and went to the psychiatrist and had very deep conversations about the brain#so like your brain literally can only see what it can believe and comprehend#if its too much for you your brain will just autocorrect it into a different memory#im not even joking#so a lot of people have seen something and just flat out forgotten it because it was too much and your brain just noped it#because you saw something that#contradicted reality and you're old enough that your brain can dissect that and go no thank you oh my gods id rather lie to myself#so yeah besides that its a cultural thing and a mental capacity thing#and I believe in them#ive seen some shit#dbdjdhdhhf
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'it's okay to miss the people that hurt you' goddamn what a wild sentiment, it's almost like i've been dealing with the exact same thing since january, since before then
#i've also got characters im super fucking protective of#what a shocker i know#personal#i don't talk about this on here at all but god. christ. jesus.#remarkable how much i've said today that healing isn't linear#wish i could be happy they achieved a dream. once i would have been ecstatic for them. beyond over the moon#and yet even now sometimes i can't believe that we aren't in each other's lives anymore#it's still jarring to me#because i also never got closure#and that's something i've talked a lot about with my psychiatrist (wanda i love you)#idk man idk#there's so much swirling through me it really is all cycles#thank god i'm medicated and living with people who love me#thank god i'm incapable of bottling shit up honestly
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