#im medicated girls.... and the wellbutrin is not wellbutrining rn

[velarisdusk]

i took a break from kinktober writing to crochet a sweater (my first wearable project, im very excited) and i'm listening to the throne of glass audiobook while i do it (IT'S REALLY GOOD IM ANNOYED I DIDNT START ON THE SERIES SOONER??????)

BUT all this to say, i got the idea to - if this sweater goes well - make a velaris sweater :') with ramiel on it :') it's already a thing i know but ive wanted one since the first time i saw one on tiktok but i dont wanna buy clothes on tiktok bc im worried about wearing anything THAT cheap bc i have sensitive skin, and theyre WAY expensive on etsy, so i will make my own :D

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[malicemizer]

I feel like being a dick so, 1-100

Christ.

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Apple music.

is your room messy or clean?Messy always.

what color are your eyes?Dark brown!

do you like your name? why?Nova and Kai are cute but my birth name is gross

what is your relationship status? I have boyfriend

describe your personality in 3 words or lesswhat the fuck

what color hair do you have?black and red

what kind of car do you drive? color?i don’t own a car but i drive my parents black lexus & white camry

where do you shop?hot topic lol

how would you describe your style?“try hard visual kei”

favorite social media accountI hate social media but I use tumblr the most

what size bed do you have? twin :^(

any siblings?step brother & two half sisters

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?wherever my boyfriend lives bc i love that boy

favorite snapchat filter? uhhh my favorite one rn is the one w the leopard mask

favorite makeup brand(s)kvd, urban decay

how many times a week do you shower?this is a bad question

favorite tv show?breaking bad

shoe size?38 EU

how tall are you?154 cm

sandals or sneakers? i wear boots

do you go to the gym? ew no lol

describe your dream datei see my boyfriend, i take him to wherever he wants to eat cause he hasnt been to the states, we go back to my house and cuddle in bed and fall asleep together

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?nothing? i dont think

what color socks are you wearing? black

how many pillows do you sleep with?theres 2 on my bed atm

do you have a job? what do you do? I don’t but I’m getting my job at wendys back tomorrow lol

how many friends do you have? uhhhh depends what you consider friends but 4

whats the worst thing you have ever done? ... why would i admit that....

whats your favorite candle scent? pink sands by yankee candle

3 favorite boy namesakatsuki but thats all i can think of

3 favorite girl namesvalentina

favorite actor? uhhhhh ? i dont really have one does nagito count lol

favorite actress? used to be keke palmer and jennifer lawrence but they’re both :/

who is your celebrity crush?do i need to answer this

favorite movie? orphan!!

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I don’t really read but weedflower was my favorite as a kid

money or brains? neither i like my men poor and dumb as shit

do you have a nickname? what is it? nov, nob, tony nop, nop

how many times have you been to the hospital?I’ve been to the emergency room between 5 and 10 times (brain injury, infections, that time i got kicked out of school)

top 10 favorite songs24 ko cylinders (listening to it rn)the pledge (dir)tsuki no hime (kiryu)touseirinkakucageominouscoppelia

do you take any medications daily? nopeeee but i used to be on wellbutrin and abilify

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)really really oily it switched from being dry to oily when i was 15

what is your biggest fear? bees by farrr

how many kids do you want? none.

whats your go to hair style?straighten it and just let it do its thing

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) it’s average size for my area, kinda small in retrospect

who is your role model? kyo

what was the last compliment you received?i think venus called me a potato

what was the last text you sent?“I’d be a timid bad guy”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?i never really believed it

what is your dream car? porsche 911

opinion on smoking?i do it socially and its kinda hot

do you go to college? yep

what is your dream job? band member but one of the ones that dont talk

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? neither im a city dweller

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? no lol my hair is picky and hates them

do you have freckles? yes lmao and on my arms too its the mexican look

do you smile for pictures?rarely

how many pictures do you have on your phone? almost 18k

have you ever peed in the woods? probably a long time ago

do you still watch cartoons? tumblr ruined cartoons for me tbh

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?i used to work at wendys so they’re tainted for me but I prefer them (they’re best after like 5 minutes theyve been sitting there lol)

Favorite dipping sauce? ew none

what do you wear to bed? depends on my mood sometimes my outfit frm that day, normal pajamas, or nothing

have you ever won a spelling bee?nope but i placed in a japanese speech competition 2 years ago

what are your hobbies?i draw and play minecraft and guitar and thats pretty much it as of late

can you draw? yes lol i “can” but I’m not good

do you play an instrument?guitar and piano but I haven’t played piano in a while

what was the last concert you saw? black veil brides i think?

tea or coffee?both tbh

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?starbucks but we dont have dunkin in idaho

do you want to get married?ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what is your crush’s first and last initial?sk uwu

are you going to change your last name when you get married? “when” lol

what color looks best on you? red and black

do you miss anyone right now? yeah my boyfriend :(

do you sleep with your door open or closed?closed i always have my door closed

do you believe in ghosts?yes yes yes yes yes

what is your biggest pet peeve? when people accuse you of lying about something they have no proof you’ve lied about

last person you calledvenus

favorite ice cream flavor? cookie dough

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular ew wtf

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow is prettier

what shirt are you wearing? its just black

what is your phone background?kaya + yuuki and my boyfriend petting a sheep

are you outgoing or shy?a bit of both i love attention but im bad at interpersonal communication

do you like it when people play with your hair?ew god no dont touch my hair

do you like your neighbors? they’re alright one of them has a cute dog

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?usually at night when i take my makeup off

have you ever been high? yes many times lol

have you ever been drunk? only a few times but it’s spring break sooooo

last thing you ate? m&ms

favorite lyrics right nowi keep thinking specifically about the way kaya says “yami no naka” in coppelia (means “middle of the darkness”)

summer or winter? uhhhhh both but this winter sucked so im excited for summer

day or night? night, creeping into very early morning

dark, milk, or white chocolate? milk and white are best

favorite month? august cause birthday + boyfriends birthday

what is your zodiac signLeooooo

who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom cause i went to a movie that made me cry lol