#like... 5 different antidepressants

[briarmae]

So, I have autism. One aspect of autism and/ or adhd is RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. It's used to describe a type of emotional disregulation.

I accidentally made a relatively popular post (for me). (It currently has 2,900 notes. My next most popular post has 100.) 2,900 notes, and of them, only about 12 people who responded were negative and/ or confused. I was CONSUMED with feelings of anger, anxiety, rejection, and sadness about those 12 people. 12 out of 2900.

RSD is ridiculous.

But my psychiatrist added a new antidepressant, and suddenly those feelings are blunted, and I can let go of things that cause me anxiety. But I can still experience joy, etc. It's like... my emotions are less overwhelming, but I can still feel them? I hope I'm describing it well enough.

Is this how *normal people feel?

(*Normal, of course, is relative. In this case, it refers to people who are neurotypical and/ or do not suffer from mental illness.)

[vjola]

my antidepressants are going to run out by the time i speak to the doctor for my medication review hee hee hoo hoo that should be fun!

[megofwands]

cymbalta dreams are CRAZY

[dinosaurcharcuterie]

Went to a different pharmacist for my vitamin D3 supplements because I was short on time but still value my bone density. They only had the gel caps from the slightly more expensive brand, and they took ages to find. I vaguely remembered not liking them, but couldn't recall why. Well, I didn't have to divide them and I'd survived taking them last time, so fuck it, gel cap me up.

As I was paying, the second pharmacist comes out laughing and shows she also found them as gummies. Gummy vitamins aren't a thing here, and they didn't remember why they got ordered. I shrug and say probably someone who struggles to swallow pills.

Do I want them instead of my gel caps?

I eyed the massive jar of gummies, remembered my overflowing desk and politely declined.

To get to the point:

The Vigantolvit gel caps are a fucking pain to get out of their deep and tiny blister packs. Literally. They cut under your fingernails if you try and press them out without pre-piercing the overly sturdy foil on the other end. They roll. Everywhere. Off the table, on the table into partitions of your medibox that you definitely didn't place it in. And they're smaller than mini m&ms, which, yeah, sure, make them easy to swallow, but which also means they're nigh impossible to pick up if your fine motor skills are not fully online for the day.

Tl;dr: I should have taken the fucking vitamin gummies.

[mrfoox]

Yeah I've ordered home every other day for two weeks soon :/ no I'm not doing so well

[devotedlystrangewizard]

that point when u cant stop doing things you like doing not because of executive dysfunction but just because youve been pushed past your breaking point and now everything but your special interests bothers you ahaha

[mynqzo]

this guy (me) got off their antidepressants officially baby. they were prescribed to me by a doctor at the ER I went to for stomach problems early this year because they said I 'look a bit sad' and knew I had sleeping issues. started taking them and was not informed of side effects or what would happen if i went off them cold turkey - which i did a month later!

i had the worst month of my life after that, having the worst pain ever, cluster headache, shakiness, etc, and i thought i was going crazy until i researched the reasons for this myself, and begged the doctors to help me of course lmao (thrice).

since then i have been tapering my medication for 5 to 6 months now and got to the point three days ago where the next step was to get off them entirely. and believe it or not, the withdrawal symptoms, while still awful, are not as bad as they were at the beginning of the year so yipee!

idk i just wanted to share this because i am 1. struggling and 2. proud of myself nonetheless and have my fingers crossed most of these pains will clear within a week or so!

the worst thing is that (and this is just a ramble) that this medication was misprescribed to me. i had anxiety yes, but this was not something they (the docter) asked about or i think cared for? like i said, i went there because i had a stomach virus and left with medication for something completely different because they apparently believed my vibe was too sad. this should have never happened if they didn't rush to prescribe me something to keep them out of their hair. huff. sigh even.

[scientia-rex]

Do you have thoughts about dealing with your ADHD without medication? I'm in Europe where the laws are different and its haaaaard to access meds. (Immigration is very bad for consistent health care)

Yeah, I mean, caffeine. Caffeine in the mornings and propranolol if I overdo it or have too much caffeine after 1pm. Caffeine has a variable half-life depending on your genetics, so for some people they can have caffeine within about 4-5 hours of trying to sleep and for me if I have it within 9 hours of when I want to sleep I'm a little fucked. (5-9 hours is a relatively typical range for half-life.) Caffeine has active metabolites, which means that as your body processes it to break it down it creates different molecules which are still stimulants, so it's not as simple as "caffeine in, break it down, inert molecule out." You also need to be aware that your brain WILL develop tolerance, so taking drug holidays where you have a chaotic, disorganized day will help when you go back to work.

Another alternative is Strattera, generic name atomoxetine, which gets marketed as a "non-stimulant" ADHD medication. In my opinion it does still have stimulant qualities and the classification has more to do with legal status than medical reality. However, it does have a tendency to cause nausea, so I usually start people low (10mg) and ramp up to 80-100mg, which is target range for efficacy for most people. It doesn't seem as effective as the stimulants but it also doesn't have the legal implications of the stimulants.

Wellbutrin, generic name bupropion, is an antidepressant, but it's not the same as SSRIs or SNRIs--it has its own combination of effects on neurotransmitters that makes it a cousin rather than a sibling drug. It can be used (off-label) for ADHD.

In terms of other things I do to help myself cope, setting and maintaining a sleep schedule is critical. I definitely always feel like I'm being asked to wake up at the equivalent of 3am for other people. This means I need to make sure I go to bed and get up at consistent times, including days off. Bed needs to be for sleeping and intimacy and not for being activated--not for reading, not for hanging out. "Sleep hygiene" is about training your brain that when you go to bed, you go to sleep. The bedroom needs to be quiet, cool, and dark. You can Google sleep hygiene for more information on that.

Learning how to learn was critical for surviving med school. I didn't struggle that much with the material even in grad school, though I was more miserable overall in grad school. The sheer volume meant I couldn't just read everything once and figure enough would stick; I had to read, listen, watch, and eventually I figured out that I really needed to draw pictures and make myself flash cards if I wanted to actually force my brain to retain anything. Making sure I was physically comfortable, including that I was fed, hydrated, and didn't have to pee, was also part of the process. Getting there involved lots of tears and failing multiple tests.

Cleaning can't be an all or nothing proposition or nothing ever gets cleaned. When I start cleaning, I just grab whatever I'm walking by that catches my attention. Fuck doing whole tasks at a time consistently. Move those three bowls to the sink, in the kitchen realize I need to take out the recycling, take out the recycling and realize on the way back in that I have a load of laundry to start, start the laundry and realize I need to pee, while I'm in the bathroom realize I need to clean the counter, clean the counter and realize I need to take out the bathroom trash, take out the bathroom trash and realize I still didn't pee, continue until I'm too tired and then sit down and have a snack and a nap. My house is still a black hole but it's infinitely better than my apartments when I was younger.

Accepting that you can't do things the neurotypical way is a big part of it. Giving up on how things "should" be and recognizing what you can do and how you can do it is critical. I will never stop crashing into things so I've bought rounded furniture that hurts less when I crash into it. I'm slowly designing a life and a home where I'm playing to my strengths, and although it's a work in process, I'm slowly becoming happier.

[homunculus-argument]

if you have medication resistant depression i highly recommend tms (transcranial magnetic stimulation). if youve tried a lot of medications already, your insurance may even cover it. it's an 8 week course of daily non-invasive treatments, im on day 18 & it's already been life-changing for me. you go to your nearest tms clinic & sit with a magnet on your head for 20 minutes 5 days a week. it's mildly uncomfortable but it's so worth it. this isnt a scam or an ad, i just want you to know about tms because it's basically a miracle for people like us who dont respond to antidepressants.

i did the genetic testing too & i tried the recommended meds, they still didnt work for me. it might be different for you but if youve already tried a bunch with no results i wouldnt get your hopes up... antidepressants have about a 28% chance of working first try, & that number goes down with every new antidepressant you try. tms has a 60-70% success rate, which isnt perfect, but it's far better than medication with exponentially decreases in odds of working. some people need two or three rounds of treatment to get the full effect, but believe me, it is absolutely worth it & will make you feel cured.

Yeah, that's been up on the table, but we've also been talking about electroshock therapy. The reason why we're tweaking through antidepressants now is because they want to first make sure that there's no medication combos that would work better before resorting to alternative treatments. Nobody involved seems to be entirely sure why they're so reluctant to try something that might work better, but electricity and magnet therapy are on the table, but as a last resort. I'm down to humour them with the antidepressant trials first, it's not like they'd get me any worse.

[youling-the-ghost]

sfth incorrect quotes pt.5 because who needs a normal hobby anyway (the generator I used)

Luke: That's a nice arguement, Sam. Why don't you back it up with a source? Sam: My source is that I made it the fuck up! Luke: How high are you? Tom: Mm, I don’t know how to say it in feet. Sam: No, he's asking what drugs are you on. Tom: Oh, antidepressants, why? AJ: Where the devil is Tom? Luke: Well, it is raining outside… Maybe he melted? Sam: Shall I look outside for a tiny, ill-fitting hat?

Sam: If bees can be fish and boys can be girls, then why can't my dad love me? Tom: I thought I was going to have to yell at you, but now I think I should hug you.

Luke walking into the kitchen and seeing all their limes peeled: Tom, I love you but, what the h-e-double FUCK. Tom, sipping coffee happily: I love you too :) Sam, after sneaking into AJ’s bedroom: Hey, wake up! AJ, half awake: Huh!? Sam: I just murdered your entire family! AJ: …But I live alone. Sam: Huh? Then who are these people in your house??? AJ: There’s people in my house? Sam: Well not anymore! Dumb bitch! You could’ve died! You’re welcome! AJ: They… well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? Tom: Um, murder??? Sam: Adventuring! Luke: Tuesday. Luke: You can de-escalate literally any situation by asking ‘are we about to kiss?’ Luke: Doesn't work with getting out of speeding tickets, though. Luke: How do tall people people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you? Tom: Luke, it's four o'clock in the morning. Luke: So, you can't sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket? Tom: Sam gets offended by everything. Sam: What did you say about me?!? Tom: Tom: Case in point. Luke: wow you and Tom are home early from the movies. What happened? AJ: We got kicked out because Tom wouldn't stop yelling diving scores as people jumped off the titanic. Tom: That last guy had a solid 8, I'm telling you! Sam: The best part of an oreo is the cookie part, not the frosting. Deal with it. Tom: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side. Luke: YO SOCRATES! IT'S A FUCKING COOKIE! Sam: What are your three best qualities? Luke: I’m hot, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends. Sam: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. AJ: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. Luke: A realist sees a freight train. Tom: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks. Tom: Luke! Have you no dignity? Luke: Of course not! How long have we known eachother? Tom: AJ? What are you doing here? AJ, wearing a hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and holding a gatorade: My best. Luke: A stake to the heart won't kill a vampire if their tits are big enough. AJ: Yeah, you just catch it. Tom: Nah nah nah, deflects it. Stake? Just bounces right off. Done. Back to doing hot girl shit. Sam: Then I just use a spear instead. Luke: You are trying so hard to kill a vampire with big bazongas, and for what? Why would you do that to the ecosystem? Tom, cowering in fear: What do you want from me?! Sam, standing in front of Tom: *bites into the whole KitKat bar like a heathen* Tom, crying: Please...stop...

Tom: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob. AJ: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test! Sam: Ok, AJ, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918? AJ: 1917. Sam: ...You're ready. Luke: Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products! Luke: *sprays hairspray in his mouth* Luke: Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very good. Tom: Sam just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then he reached down and untied my shoe. Luke: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Sam. Sam: I hate myself. Luke: Alright, square up. *AJ is considering cancelling plans, and Tom and Sam are advising him on what to do* Tom: Just don't go. Sam: Say you’re ill! Tom: Pretend to break your leg. Sam: Really break your leg! AJ: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset? Luke: No, I said "AJ, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset. AJ: You fuckers don’t know about my knife stick. It’s a knife taped to a stick and it’s the ultimate weapon. Tom: Spear. AJ: BLOCKED. Sam: Quacking in my boobs over this Sam: QUAKING* Sam: BOOTS* FUCKER.

+ Bonus message from the programmer of the generator:

Congratulations! You've stumbled upon a secret message from me (the programmer of this generator): Remember to drink water. And also take your meds if you have those and are supposed to take them. Also, have a nice day if that's a possibility. I hope y'all are doing great, and remember: Happy pride month! Always respect eachother's pronouns! (sadly it's no longer pride month but that that doesn't mean that we shouldn't continue to respect each other's pronouns)

[pleaseeeimjustagirl]

♡Weekly Chronicles♡

Hey babes! I've missed you guysss I am so happy I had an amazing trip it was so nice. I went to a convention in Maryland for 5 days it was so nice. I definitely left with a lot of knowledge so many amazing people spoke at the lectures<3 and I'm sorry I missed the weekly affirmations for this week.

♡Education♡

I applied for all my classes for next semester before my trip. I’m low-key excited about the classes I have coming up. Lot of different courses since I'm almost done with my major required classes now I need to fill the rest of my credits with electives. I have an art class next semester just for fun. I can't wait to meet the people in my classes. I have to take this math class I am not excited for at all I hate math lol so every time I update you girliesss on this class I'll probably be complaining lol.

♡Mental♡

Interacting with different people this past week has been very good for me mentally. It brought me back to pre-quarantine Khadija who was such a big extrovert. After covid, I started to have mild social anxiety so this was needed. I dealt with a little insecurities while on my trip interacting with so many beautiful women I started to doubt my looks comparison is the thief of joy, I practiced a lot of the methods my therapist recommended like canceling one negative thought with two positive thoughts. I realized I was all in my head for no reason. I love watching Leo Skepi when I am feeling this way he always gets me together. I highly recommend him if you are dealing with a lack of discipline, self-confidence, or just need someone to get you together with tough love he is that guyyy. Side noteee I missed my antidepressant dose twice in a row because of traveling back to New York and it low-key made me hazy like it was super weird but I took it today. 

♡Physical♡

While I was away I ate super bad! The event was an African-focused event so the food there wasn’t healthy at all. I was going to stick to my diet while on my trip but I decided I'm on a trip let me relax and I don't regret it at all. But I am seeing the consequences of my food choices now I am soooo bloated lol. So I am starting a cleanse tomorrow for the next 14 days I already prepped my ginger shot for the morning I want to flush my system out completely going into the new year. I don't recommend cleanses especially to my babes that have dealt with ED’s always consult your doctors before starting anything. I just do what works for me. 

♡Hobbies♡

Now that I am back I can get back to being consistent with my Italian, pilates, and weight lifting. I was so sad I could not lift I feel like I'm low-key obsessed with lifting lol it feels so good and I've been seeing results, especially in my lower body. While I was gone I didn't have any time to do my hobbies they had us in lectures and events constantly. I practiced my Italian once which I'm happy about. I plan on starting jewelry making next week I'm super excited it was one of my favorite hobbies when I was in middle school. I used to make earrings and bracelets. 

♡Plans For The Weekend♡

My birthday is Sunday, December 31st! I am turning 21 yay! I am super excited I don't have anything planned for my birthday. I am going to have a mini celebration with my family and watch the ball drop my siblings bought me presents so I'm excited to open everything. I'm starting my cleanse so I'll be working out and taking good care of my body internally and externally so I'll be off social media this weekend and focused on my mental and physical health. I plan on creating my vision board and listing my goals this year. My dad is ordering my camera I used to have a YouTube channel but I took a break to work on my self-improvement journey I do plan on getting back on my YouTube grind soon lol so look out for that coming out in 2024! 

This week's little journal entrieee a lot happened this week and I'm excited to see what this new year brings babesss. Comment your plans this weekend and how did your week go?

[trixree]

he is RISEN baby girl

hello hello! yes i'm alive, just very mentally ill. things are on the up and up and i have mega brainrot right now so i decided to try and get back on the "being a person" horse. you may see i've just posted some poolverine smut to AO3 here.

if you've sent me messages during my year hiatus (especially regarding commissions) I love and appreciate you and will be responding SOON, i PROMISE!

long ramble about where i'm at/life update below the cut.

May of 2023, I graduated with my masters. yaaay woo but also booo because it didn't help me get a job at all! i finally landed a paying gig in September of 2023 after sending out quite literally hundreds of applications. i only had two interviews total and a mountain of auto-rejections to show for it and it took an immense toll on my mental health. It started what was (in hindsight) a year of a prolonged downward spiral.

i already really struggled with self worth and turns out riding the merry-go-round of job hunting rejection cranked my depression up to new heights. for the first time in a long time, i found myself so low as to be entertaining thoughts of suicide. my eating disorder peaked the hardest it has since high school. i had also moved out of my parents house and in with my partner May of 2023 and was readjusting to being out of a traumatic environment. i had panic attacks anytime he came into a room too quietly and surprised me for months. I found myself isolated from most of my friends (partly because of my own communication death-spiral depression paralysis) and also because i moved to a different city than all of them to live with my partner again (0 complaints there, i love the city i live in and love my home with my partner and our bird children. however i miss my fucking friends, and the loneliness compounded the Despair Arc i was having.) My fucking health insurance changed because my previous policy holder retired and i lost some medications for a period of time, stressing my body in bad ways. a really bad spell of migraines compounded things chemically for the worst.

i borrowed some money to return to my therapist and my doc recently upped my antidepressant dose, and I can tell that both of those things but ESPECIALLY that last one there has helped already. My partner, closest friends, and even some coworkers have said I seem much better, too. I'm hopeful about it. Optimistic, even!

i did get a job working for a behavioral health nonprofit that provides outpatient psychiatric services in administration. It pays in fucking sheckles and pennies (nonprofits be like) and psych is a challenging environment to say the least. it was another 6-month fight to hammer out disability accommodations with HR. my body is a machine that consumes paid leave. as any of you that have danced an accommdations dance can probably attest, it sucks so goddamn bad. i had basically round after round of requests for my doctors to fill out paperwork that amounted to "will they get better? Are you sure? Alright, please estimate how often this person will need this accommodation in hours per week." of course it took an immense mental health toll, too. i kick ass at what i do and i do it chronically understaffed but it's really hard to feel secure anywhere when you're constantly missing work due to uncontrollable Body Bad Times (migraine, explosive diarrhea, uncontrollable vomiting, my three horsemen). especially if someone has a grudge, and someone did, which added extra layers of complexity.

i'll be honest, it's good to have something to get out of bed to go do 5/7 days of the week (i was going stir crazy without employment) but i'm running myself ragged and barely making it financially. not only was this body i have NOT built for an 8-5, i have less than 15$ to my name right now to show for it and i keep having to borrow money from my family for medication. but i truly love the people i work with and feel like i get to do good for my community where i'm at, and that's something folks!

speaking of health, i kind of got my gut stuff figured out? not really. but also yes! i don't have a diagnosis of any kind but i have a treatment that's WORKING for the constant nausea i was always blogging about last year. my GI put me on domperidone before meals and oh my god, total fucking game changer. no longer am i burping up half-digested food and walking around with 24/7 debilitating nausea AND my appetite even kicks in when i take the damn pills!!! the only down side is that domperidone is not FDA approved in the USofA because of sudden cardiac failure or what the fuck ever so i have to pay out of pocket for all of it. that's a good 150$ per month on top of all my other medication, so that's a bummer. but god, to have something that works!!! it's been so nice. no sudden heart failure yet, fingers crossed.

i have really bad executive dysfunction when it comes to responding to messages (i currently have 100+ unread text messages from friends and family) but i'm challenging myself to work through my backlog of messages in the coming days, so stay tuned if you've DM'd me in the last year. thank you for thinking of me and i appreciate you endlessly.

as for commissions, my life is just too unpredictable for me to be as consistent with those as i'd wanted to be. as much as having the bonus income was really amazing, i just feel like i'm too flakey and unreliable to deliver on that regularly and that's just a shitty thing to do to someone. (please check your DMs if this describes an interaction we had with me.)

i'm sorry if this decision is disappointing to anyone, but i think i'm going to stick to having a kofi live if folks feel inclined to show appreciation for any fic i post and maybe taking a comm very very rarely, once in a blue moon when circumstances allow. I do want to honor anyone that messaged me about a comm during my year hiatus. Please check your DMs. for my casual reader: none of my current projects on AO3 are abandoned. i've never stopped working on them this past year, even if it has only been in my notes app. i really want to start posting more regularly again. i miss the outlet immensely. I think it's good for me, creatively and for a sense of community. i hope you all understand and thank you. thanks for still being here.

[dykeiism]

whenever i see people talking about the purpose of mental health diagnoses, three reasons usually come up:

to encourage self-understanding

to concisely describe treatment options to professionals

to gain access to resources and accomodations

but it's hard for me to agree with any of these. given the harm associated with diagnosis, especially diagnosis of a personality disorder, i'm finding it increasingly difficult to justify diagnosing any mental disorder at all. below the cut is a breakdown of each of these three reasons, and why i believe that none of them hold up to criticism.

(1) to encourage self-understanding.

diagnostic criteria are so rigid that they discourage self-understanding. they fragment the human experience, categorizing it into easily digestible groups of "symptoms" rather than understanding a person's struggles holistically. this is why we have a phenomenon of people thinking, "well, my anxiety tells me this, but my depression tells me that" and "i'm having an intrusive thought but can't tell if it's coming from my ocd, ptsd, or bpd." diagnosis misleads patients into believing that, much like one might cough due to either pollen in the lungs or a respiratory illness, one might feel anxious due to either their generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis or their post-traumatic stress disorder diagnosis. a more accurate understanding of the human mind would necessarily involve doing away with the pathology of gad versus ptsd, and instead being able to understand that the anxiety might simply result from a combination of previous negative experiences, a naturally sensitive personality, and underdeveloped emotion regulation skills. a diagnosis is a description of a pattern of thoughts and behaviours; nothing more. my mental health conditions don't cause me to think or behave a certain way. rather, my thoughts and behaviours are similar to the thoughts and behaviours of other people who have also been deemed mentally sick. this makes it possible for doctors to use a certain diagnosis as a shorthand to describe my personality and skills (i refuse to call such things "symptoms") to other doctors. it does not mean that i have a sickness that causes me to think and act in certain way.

why would i want to understand myself through the lens of a psychiatrist, anyways? psychiatry is a deeply individual solution to systemic problems. we're living in a world that evolution could not prepare us for, yet we are told that there's something wrong with our brains if we're unable to adapt to these unprecedented living conditions. i refuse to believe that my brain is sick unless somebody has looked at my brain and can tell me where the sickness is. we must not forget that we're dealing with the discipline that understood homosexuality and hysteria as mental illnesses, and that initially understood autism to be a form of schizophrenia.

(2) to concisely describe treatment options to professionals

imagine, if you will, someone with post-traumatic stress disorder. all you know about them is that they have ptsd. now, recommend a treatment method for them!

nobody can give a good treatment recommendation based on that diagnosis alone. more information is needed: is the patient dealing with persistent general anxiety, sudden panic attacks, or a phobia? does the patient have compulsions? is the patient aggressive, anxious, or depressive? depending on the answers, the ideal treatment plan will be quite different.

now let's consider borderline personality disorder. there are 4 types of bpd and there are 256 possible ways to combine the 5 symptoms required for diagnosis (there are 9 symptoms in total). the personalities, cognitive abilities, and struggles of people diagnosed with bpd are quite diverse, and they will all require varying types and degrees of professional intervention. that being said, bpd is almost always treated with dbt and a few medication options including antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers, and anticonvulsants. there are so many other disorders that are treated with dbt and the same drugs. so why make bpd, bipolar, ptsd, cptsd, and depression their own diagnoses? what reason is there, other than to fragment our struggles and generate stigma?

my wish for the future of psychiatry is that, instead of being diagnosed with a disorder that is simultaneously very specific yet inexplicably vague, patients will be told "your struggles are related to trauma and emotional dysregulation. i recommend that you take an antidepressant and attend dialectical behavioural therapy sessions," or "your struggles are related to catastrophization and unhelpful behaviours, i recommend that you engage in cognitive behavioural therapy."

(3) to gain access to resources and accommodations

there are better ways to do this. i don't think anyone should be turned away from the accommodations that they need. however, if resources are scarce and must be gatekept, then a simple interview or quotient test will be sufficient in determining the level of need.

[aitadjcrazytimes]

Hi, I saw your tags:

I was wondering. Um. Would you be comfortable sharing what other symptoms you have?

I've had memory problems for years but every time I look them up I just get stuff like alzheimers and car crashes and stuff, which doesnt apply. Idk

I was wondering if this might be me also. I'll talk to a doctor, of course, but. Just wondering what the general vibe is

Sure! Though, be aware, if you Can get evaluated for your symptoms you probably should, at least to make sure it isn't degenerative.

Via-a-vis the ABI (That's Acquired Brain Injury), part of the reason it took so long to diagnose is because

I already have a different diagnosis of cEDS (Classical Ehlers Danlos Syndrome) that explained several of my other symptoms

I have GAD and PTSD due to living in a very abusive and dangerous environment up until about 5 months ago, and

At least two of my family members are autistic, so it was just kind of vaguely assumed that any weirdness regarding my sensory processing and so on was because of that.

So! To summarize (and I put this below a cut because it gets Long).

Chiari Malformation is when you have a defect in the base of your skull that puts pressure on your cerebellum, causing part of it to go into your spinal column. Many people with this condition don't experience any symptoms, but that is not always the case, and even with no symptoms, it does place you at a much higher risk for a brain injury. With a Chiari Malformation, even a mild concussion can cause serious damage.

I have had several concussions, with one of them knocking me out for several minutes when I was very young. So. Here we are.

Regarding treatments for Chiari, most of what can be done is simply treating the symptoms. Unless there is concern about the condition getting worse (more memory loss, paralysis, etc.), patients will likely be referred elsewhere to discuss pain management, because from my understanding, the only effective treatment for Chiari is a decompression surgery, which will remove part of your skull to take pressure off the brain. It's not terribly risky as brain surgeries go, but the best brain surgery is, of course, no brain surgery.

Re my Physical symptoms:

I get headaches very frequently, and often very severely. They have been categorized as migraines in the past, because they come with severe light and sound sensitivity, and they tend to knock me out for hours. That said, they don't meet all the criteria for a migraine, including having no aura to speak of. They are often triggered by strain and jostling my head--by coughing, sneezing, vomiting, jumping, or anything that would cause motion sickness.

I have poor balance. I have found that walking with a cane helps, but physical therapy doesn't do all that much (because it's in my brain and not my muscles).

I also struggle with chronic fatigue. Getting out of bed is a real struggle most days, as is getting anything done outside of simply going to work and then coming home--although I recently went on an antidepressant, which has helped a bit.

Insomnia! I have trouble sleeping. It comes and goes, sometimes I get several days worth of restful sleep, but sometimes I get only a few hours worth of sleep over the course of a week.

Shooting and burning pain in back of skull, neck, spine, shoulders, and chest. Be careful with this one, because this can also be a result of a heart issue. That said, I've had my heart checked out, and that's all good, which is why they checked the brain in the first place.

As for my cognitive symptoms, it's a bit fuzzier, because like I said before, I have PTSD, I have the ABI, I have GAD, several of my family members are somewhere on the autism spectrum, and now my therapist is also having me evaluated for OSDD. So, your mileage may vary. But essentially:

Memory loss. Some of it is retrograde, and I have found that I'll forget significant events and people. Most of it is anterograde, or short term--so, forgetting what a conversation is about while I'm in the middle of a sentence, and either having to improvise and try to make a guess as to what I was talking about, or having to have my conversation partner walk back what we were talking about to explain what we were doing. I have to have a very detailed and elaborate task tracker at work in order to stay on top of things, or I would simply forget it all. I also have the experience of feeling like all of my memories are stories that were told to me. So, I rarely experience a memory as a thing that happened to me, complete with sights and sounds and feelings and sensations and so on, but more like a story that someone told to me once. So, a vague recollection of events and the order in which they happened. This makes it difficult to differentiate between my own memories and stories that other people have told me. It has happened a few times that I have told a story of something that happened to me, only to find out that it actually happened to the person I was talking to instead, and I just got confused.

I'm not sure what to call this one, but I get EXTREMELY easily distracted from processing audio, especially in an environment with more than one thing happening. If I am having a verbal conversation with someone in a restaurant, and someone comes and sits at the table next to us and starts talking, I become almost incapable of conversation. If I'm talking to someone and someone turns on the TV in the next room, I become almost incapable of conversation. If music is playing, I lose track of the conversation. I forget everything I was saying. I won't be able to understand what other people are saying. Spending time in loud, busy, or crowded environments is not that distressing by itself, but I will not be able to hold a conversation.

Aphasia and Verbal Processing. It is incredibly difficult for me to put words together in a way that is coherent. It is significantly easier through writing, because I can look things up and take my time with it. But in vocal conversation, I will frequently have verbal shutdowns where I cannot find a word, and all of my language processing shuts down while I try to comprehend what I was talking about. This often leads to...

Fuzziness/Blurriness. I typically call this "going fuzzy". Generally it involves a verbal shutdown to an extent, where my brain has reached capacity with processing information, and is deciding to simply wipe everything and start over. Think of it like restarting a really old computer. Sometimes it doesn't take too terribly long--a few moments. Sometimes it takes more than half an hour. It depends. This is often accompanied by...

The Buzzing™--It happens for me at the base of the skull, where the injury is. It feels like a tuning fork fused to the inside of my skull. It is completely maddening. My ears ring, and it sounds like a high pitched whining noise. I become very on edge, it's incredibly anxiety inducing, and very overwhelming. I don't know if this is a common symptom you will be able to find under brain injuries, but it's Extremely not fun! I have found that it can be lessened somewhat with massaging the area.

The Voices™: I have heard voices ever since I was a kid. (Schizophrenia has already been ruled out.) Sometimes, it Is an actual auditory hallucination. I recently had an experience where I was grocery shopping and kept flinching because it sounded like someone was shouting my name directly into my ear. Other times, I've heard people whispering or knocking on my walls. These typically occur during or following a stressful situation. HOWEVER, I also experience The Voices™ in my daily life outside of stressful situations. In these situations, it is never auditory, more just a thing that occurs in my own head. I have, in the past, had the experience of talking more or less constantly to one or several distinct people in my head. Nowadays, it feels more like experiencing multiple trains of thought or multiple sets of emotions which feel distinct from "mine". Or feeling like a background voice in my head while someone else does things for me.

Per my therapist, I have recently begun categorizing them as different people to see if that helps. And it does sometimes! And sometimes it does not. It is a process. But that's where I am with that.

There's more to it, but I don't really have the capacity to talk about it much more than I have at the moment.

If you want to see what my experience with this is like... I mean. I did write an entire fanfiction about a character with several of my symptoms recently. You likely won't have the context for what is going on re the character and the situation unless you are into Red vs. Blue, but just in case it helps to see a recounting of it, here:

The Fanfiction That Helped Me Realize I Had Brain Damage™. Have fun!

[hopskip-andajump]

Meowdy! Welcome to my blog :3

I go by Skip and Atlas ! :3

I use He / Him, They / Them, Star / Starself , and Chirp / Chirpself pronouns, I really like it when people use these interchangeably so please do that!!

I am a polytherian , plantkin , and otherkin! my theriotypes / kintypes are

Black Maincoon Cat

Black Tipped Reef Shark

Red Tailed Hawk

Serval

Bat

Russian Blue Cat

Mountain Lion

Sacabambaspis

Cerberus

Gargoyle

Miros Bird ( Rainworld )

Slugcat ( Rainworld )

Lantern Mouse ( Rainworld )

Rainwing ( WOF )

Amaryllis flower

I am an artist and have been for about 7-8 years :3 I don't have comms open yet but I plan on opening them soon!! here's some examples of my art!

I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), Anxiety, and Depression (but I am currently in recovery!!)

Heres my straw page for a tldr ^-^

I POST GORE AND SUGGESTIVE CONTENT !! PLEASE BE CAREFUL ON MY PAGE

AMAZING SILLY PEOPLE !!

Downandcrafty - My irl best friend!! He's been a huge source of support for me and it is so skrungle

Kidwhomhasahat |alt 1 and alt 2| - one of my mutuals and a huge source of inspiration for me!! Plus she is very very silly :33

Lordoftablecloths - one of my mutuals ^w^ he is very cool and swag

Thef0llyofman - a fellow tourney kid and another one of my inspos!!

Sparklecarehospital - a comic I've been hyperfixating over :3 go check it out! It's very well written.

Tgcg - i think I spelt it wrong but amazing art!! Very pleasing to the eyes ^w^

Nikovolt |alt| - another moot and just a general silly person!

Scene-royaltylolz - very silly moot and a very kind person!!!

Sponseredbywalmart - one of my moots, very silly

Red-rat-ryu - my beautiful amazing partner ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Kr1ck3ts-d3n - my other beautiful amazing partner :3 ❤️❤️

Potato-in-dirt - one of my irl friends !! Shark buddies ....

makothedorito - one of my moots ive known the longest ! Pelting her with bricks :3 /vvpos

PLEASE INTERACT: alterhumans / alterhuman allies , artists , lgbtqia individuals / lgbtqia allies , neurodivergents , DOATK / MWM / mashup tournament enjoyers , NON-PROBLEMATIC Homestucks , non-problematic people :33

DO NOT INTERACT: Racists, Zoophiles , Homophobes / Terfs , Cringe Culture participaters , Proshippers , People prone to drama , generally shitty people

PAGE RULES:

Please keep like spam down to 5 posts or less ! It can be fairly annoying if I receive a shit ton of notifs ( Mutuals are exempt from this to a point )

If you like my art, reblog it ! Likes are nice, but reblogs can help more people see my art. I spend a lot of time and effort making my art and if it doesn't travel , it means that effort went to waste

DO NOT USE SHE / HER FOR ME FOR THE LOVE OF GAIA . I am a trans man and those ARE NOT MY PRONOUNS .

Please don't use it / it's for me. I know a lot of other alterhumans use those but I feel very uncomfortable when they're used for me .

Please use my preferred names UNLESS WE KNOW EACH OTHER AND YOU HAVE A NICKNAME FOR ME .

Please don't use nicknames for me unless we are mutuals

Please don't dm me unless we are mutuals

DO NOT MAKE SUI / SH JOKES! I have personally experienced both of those and they are a huge negative trigger for me . I am currently recovering and thinking too much about those things have lead me to mental breakdowns .

If I don't respond to an ask / message / comment, do not spam me please . My antidepressants make me very tired and I sleep alot because of it , so I might not get back to you immediately .

If you violate my dni or break my page rules I'm blocking you /srs

I am part of a system ! This blog is mostly used by Skip (the host), but sometimes other alters might pop in as well. Both of the ones that openly communicate type differently than I do (one types in a sort of "uwu speak' kind of fashion, and the other may replace Es with 3s), so please let them be if that happens!

Blogs for other alters ; Nep /\/\ Jolt ( One doesn't have one due to complications )

My sign offs for each of my alters are;

Skip ( Me ) - ⭐ - info above :3

Mozart - 🎸 - He / They - Doesn't front much due to complications with his source , he prefers to talk in a more " uwu " sort of way ??? idk how to describe it , but if he needs to ( or forgets lmao ) he'll talk more normally

Nepeta - ♌ - She / Kit / Any with a She / Kit preference - nonverbal , but loves to talk through other means ! Kits fairly hyper and loves talking about quadrents :3

Jolt - 📺 - She / They / Chip / Glitch - Milf energy . She talks very smoothly and uses " darling " alot . Doesn't know much about her past and struggles with remembering things . The few things she does remember are fairly traumatizing for her , so please don't bring them up !

Cirus / Lamb - 🔻- He / They - Former cult leader turned god of death . He is fairly fond of cats as his spouse was one . He's very much determined to keep the body healthy . Loves talking to people :3

Davepeta - 🍎 - She / He / They / It / Any - Whimsy lil fucker with BAADD memory . Would follow anyone who gives it apple slices . fairly new .

Jaspers / Frigglish - 🐈‍⬛ - He / Any - Also fairly new . Says whatever hes thinking . Very kind and loves talking to people :3

We love meeting doubles and alters from the same source !!!!

Here's where I got the teeth dividers!

And here's the moon dividers :3

[bonni]

since the prozac generation is getting older now and this has officially happened to me i just wanted to remind everyone that up to 1 out of 3 individuals who stay on one SSRI medication for an extended period of time will experience antidepressant treatment tachyphylaxis, in which you develop tolerance-like effects associated with the SSRI you're taking and it stops working. so if you've been on one medication for over 5 years (it took 8 years for me) and it feels like it's not doing shit for you anymore, that might not just be a feeling! you should talk to your psychiatrist about tapering off and maybe trying a new antidepressant medication from a different family (or you can just become a stoner like i did)