#i stopped taking all meds bc i had been taking meds for like 15 years | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

peterjakes · 1 year ago

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ian x mickey - 'forever meant nothing when we had nothing'

Ian Gallagher has resided to the fact that he's going to spent the rest of his life a fuck up, in a shitty diner job, with no future and a bipolar diagnosis following him wherever he goes.

Mickey Milkovich is likely to spend the next ten years locked up, for something that wasn't even his fault, as far away as from Ian Gallagher as he could be.

But things don't always go the way we expect, and maybe, just maybe, the two can find their way back to each other again.

so, I’ve been rewatching shameless and thought it would be interesting to write about if mickey had stayed in s6 (still in prison) bc I was distraught when I first watched it. sort of follows the s6 timeline but with some changes. some angst but an eventually happy ending - enjoy :)

also posted on ao3; https://archiveofourown.org/works/48106180/chapters/121304722

Ian Gallagher was an eighteen-year-old, bipolar, high-school dropout who spent most of his days wiping down greasy tables, wishing for something else. Ian had also just broken up with his criminal boyfriend, the boyfriend who was now facing 15 years in prison. Maybe criminal wasn’t the best way to describe Mickey, but you attempt to murder someone, you get called a criminal. Or at least that’s what Ian thought. The ex-boyfriend in question didn’t feel the same way. But fuck, this wasn’t about him.

It was early morning. The sun had started to flicker through the 10-year-old, dusty curtains covering the window. Ian could hear the commotion of his siblings ongoing downstairs. Debbie was arguing about something, was it with Fiona? Maybe Liam. Ian couldn’t be sure what exactly, their voices weren’t clear enough for Ian to make out. The sound of quick footsteps started to come up the stairs and Ian knew what was coming. Fiona. Wishing he could be swallowed up whole, Ian’s body pulled him further and further under his bedsheets until the heat started to rise. This wasn’t going to stop Fiona pulling the bedsheets off and forcing Ian out of bed. Not that she would do this, but still.

“Hey, sweetface. Time to get up.” Fiona’s voice was almost a whisper, but she must have heard Ian’s alarm go off and then quickly be shut down. Ian was awake, he was just not getting up. This was a regular thing. Fiona must have grown tired of the routine, but she didn’t show it. She was delicate, kind. But Ian knew. She was tiptoeing around him, like they all were. Have you taken your meds, Ian? How much sleep did you get last night? Why aren’t you eating? Better not be late for work! Ian couldn’t escape it. He got it, he knew they cared about him, but, Jesus, it was just constant.

Though her voice was quiet, it was fucking grating too. Fiona’s voice meant getting up. Getting up meant going to work. Going to work meant the never-ending cycle starting again. Was this it? Was this Ian’s life now? “Hm.” Ian pulled his covers further over his head, trying to block out the noise. He knew he’d have to get up eventually but was trying to prolong that for as long as possible.

“Ian, now. Come on.” Fiona’s voice was firmer now, like she wasn’t going to take no for an answer. And she never did, not once in her entirety of looking after her siblings. She was fucking stubborn; Ian knew that much. Ian thought he was stubborn too once. Maybe he still was, but everything just felt so different now. It was always a losing battle for Ian, every single day. He just didn’t have the energy to fight, he didn’t have the energy for anything anymore. How sad was that.

“I’m-I’m coming.” Ian’s muffled voice escaped from the covers, he slowly pushed them away and stared at the ceiling. He knew he had to get up, try to move, but he just couldn’t do it. His body just wouldn’t let him, even if he wanted to. This happened almost every morning. He was much slower now; his meds had fucked him up. They seemed to fuck everything up. His brain. His body. Mickey. Shit, no. Ian wasn’t going to do that, wasn’t going to go down that road. Nope. The thought of those baby blue eyes gave Ian the kick up the ass he needed, and he managed to sit up, rubbing the excess from his eyes.

Fiona sighed, moving closer to Ian’s bed. He could smell her perfume, it was ripe this morning, like everything else. “Leave in 20, okay?” Fiona’s voice was softer again, she lingered for a moment, as if she wanted to say something else but decided against it. Ian knew what she was doing, she did it almost every time he walked into a room. Every time Ian was slacking at the diner, every time he spent too long in the bathroom, every time he was taking his meds. God, it was insufferable, he couldn’t fucking breathe. It was bad enough feeling like a zombie every minute of the day; Ian didn’t need Fiona’s worried eyes on him whenever she thought Ian wasn’t paying attention. Fiona cared, Ian knew that, but he didn’t need her to keep surveillance on him. He was an adult, he was taking his meds, he was going to work. He wasn’t running away, he wasn’t stealing babies, flushing his meds. Ian was being a fucking constructive member of society, just like she wanted.

Every day was the same. Ian would wake. He’d take his meds. Go to work. Come home. Shower. Bed. And repeat. It was endless, a never-ending cycle. Ian saw no way out. This was his life now, what he had to live with. It wouldn’t get better than this and he knew it. He’d come to accept it. The way the Gallaghers always accepted it. There was fuck all they could do about it. And there was fuck all Ian could do. After everything, there was a part of Ian that believed he deserved it. This was as good as it was gonna get for Ian. No point even trying, Ian knew that.

Ian didn’t hate his job, and as Fiona so kindly loved to remind him, he should be grateful. But working at Patsy’s wasn’t the dream. Ian wasn’t so sure what that dream was exactly, but it sure wasn’t busting tables at some diner. Ian didn’t have those feelings of aspiration anymore. That kid that was stupid enough to believe he’d get in West Point and have a great fucking life, that kid was long gone. It was tedious, but Ian didn’t think he could truly handle anymore excitement. His meds made him drowsy, made him weak, tired. This was just how he felt now. Like a robot. Ian was like a zombified robot. Shit.

Svetlana hadn’t been to see Ian at work, or bribe him, for a good few weeks. It wasn’t that Ian wanted her to, in truth, Ian couldn’t think of anything worse. It was a reminder, a constant one. Yev was one too. He looked so much like him, too much. The way he furrowed his dark eyebrows, the little quirk in his smile, the chubbiness in his face. At one point, no one knew exactly whether Yev was even his. But there was no doubt now. He was growing up so fast, and Mickey, he was missing it. He was missing so much, all because of Ian. Shit.

Ian didn’t want to think about it. It was done. It was better this way, much better. Ian had meant what he said. Ian could just about deal with Fiona’s constant worrying, his younger siblings watching his every move, but something he couldn’t bare was Mickey. He couldn’t bare how sad Mickey’s eyes turned when he found him that day waiting for him. Couldn’t bare how his voiced cracked when he realised what Ian was doing. Couldn’t bare seeing the back of Mickey’s dark head, turning away from Ian.

That didn’t stop Ian from thinking about him though. About that smile, the one where his teeth would shine through. About those stupid jokes he would make, knowing they’d make Ian howl. About how soft he was with Ian; about the way his finger would caress from Ian’s fingertips up until his collarbone. About how much he-No. Ian wasn’t thinking about Mickey, not at all.

Ian spent most of his day washing the dishes, which was fine by him. Not talking to anyone was bliss. The rest of his co-workers just seemed to ignore him, they only spoke to him if he needed to pick up some plates or if they asked about Fiona. The rest of the time, it was just him. Fiona was usually too busy for a long chat, not that she’d get anything out of Ian. This was how Ian liked it. He didn’t believe he actually had the capacity to do anything more. His head always felt so fried, frazzled. He moved slow, sometimes too slow.

It was later in the day. Ian had been on an early shift, but had spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping, or at least trying to sleep. He probably only got an hour or so in but couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed. It wasn’t that his bed was super comfortable, or that he was too sleepy, he just couldn’t move. There was no point even trying once Debbie got home, making racket downstairs, Ian wondered how anyone ever got any sleep. Deciding he couldn’t stare at the ceiling for the rest of the evening, Ian climbed out of bed and grabbed his phone.

Ian started to aimlessly flick through his phone, something he often did to occupy himself in the late evenings after a shift. He was tired, he could feel the heaviness of his eyes but that didn’t stop him staring at the bright screen. Leaning against the bedframe, Ian had managed to get round to looking at some photos on the phone. And oh, there it was. Ian had forgotten it even exist, being buried far away in his phone memories.

It was a photo, an old one. Ian’s hair was much shorter, his freckles more visible, but he looked healthy, broader. Not the skinny lump that was currently occupying his bed. He was smiling too, a big, wide, bright smile. A smile he hadn’t seen in a long time. And there he was. Mickey. His shoulder was pushed against Ian’s, all slouched, as if he didn’t care they were skin to skin. He was frowning, his eyebrows furrowed, but his mouth wasn’t, there was a hint of a smile. Only a hint, though. The edge of his mouth quirked. It was one his things, the things Mickey did that drove Ian absolutely insane back then. The way his mouth formed, into not quite a smile, something he only saved for Ian. Or at least he had.

Ian remembered that day, it was…special, he guessed. It was after Mickey had decided to headbutt Jimmy’s dad. Ian just remembered them running, running, and running. And then laughing, like they couldn’t control themselves. Mickey had touched Ian, in public. He’d touched him the way teenage boys did, playfully, with no fear, no anguish. Ian felt like something changed between the two of them that day, he could feel it in his brain, in his bones, in his heart. God, Ian replayed those moments over and over in his head. He thought about the way Mickey’s laughter echoed the alleyway, the way their arms bumped into each other, the way Ian couldn’t help but grin at the dark-haired idiot running in front of him.

Fuck. Ian didn’t know why he still had the photo. It was old, it was an Ian and Mickey that didn’t exist anymore. Ian couldn’t remember the last time he felt that happy, that elated, that hopeful. Ian didn’t make a big thing of deleting any memories of Mickey, he just hadn’t thought about it. He didn’t like how it made him feel. Like an asshole. Like the pile of shit that he was. Shit. Why was he doing this to himself? Tormenting himself like this? It was pointless. It didn’t change anything.

Ian’s finger hovered over the little trash can at the bottom of the screen. It hovered for way too long. But no. Ian couldn’t do it. He wasn’t going to do it. He wasn’t going to think about it. Backing out of his photos, Ian tapped onto his messages app. There was one person who could make some of these unwanted feelings go away. One person who always knew how to make him feel better, boost him up, telling him to stop being a prick. Lip was at college, actually doing something with his life. The complete opposite to Ian. He’d actually made it out, he was going somewhere. Ian didn’t like to bother him, pull him back into the Gallagher madness but…shit, he needed him. He needed his big brother. What a baby he was.

Mickey Milkovich was exactly where everyone had always thought he would be. Where they all predicted he’d end up. He never was going to exceed any of their expectations. Mickey had done exactly what he was always going to do. Mickey Milkovich was in prison. He was going to be in prison for a good few years. All of because of Ian-fucking-Gallagher.

It was true that technically it wasn’t Ian’s fault. Ian hadn’t asked Mickey to drug Sammie and chuck her in that crate. But Ian hadn’t asked Mickey to punch that cop. He hadn’t asked Mickey to fuck with Kash. But Mickey had done it anyway. For Ian? Maybe. Yes, for Ian. That was why Mickey was sitting in the mould-ridden cell with the quiet roommate and realising how fucked he was. Mickey was always going to do it for Ian, even now, knowing Ian didn’t want anything to do with Mickey. Mickey was a fuck-up. A criminal. Worthless. Mickey always knew this was true. He was stupid enough to believe for a while that maybe it didn’t have to be that way. But now? Well, now even Ian believed it. So, what was the fucking point?

The bright orange jumpsuit didn’t fit his body right, there was just something that felt off. Mickey didn’t like it, the way it gapped over his legs. But whatever. It didn’t matter how it looked or how it felt. Time had slowed down for Mickey, more this time than ever. This wasn’t his first rodeo; he knew how it went. All those years spent in juvie taught Mickey there were certain ways of doing things. Ways to not get your ass beat every single day. Ways to make the time go quicker. Ways to stay under the radar. Ways to make life easier for yourself. Mickey knew

Ian was Mickey’s last visitor. Of course, it had to be, it just had to be him. Mickey was hopeful, at least for a while, that Ian hadn’t meant what he said. That one day, he’d go and see Ian sitting there, waiting for him. But that didn’t happen. There wasn’t a happy ending, not for Mickey. There never was going to be a happy ending, after everything, Mickey should have known that. Someone like Mickey, someone who had grown up beaten and bruised, who never thought he’d ever have anything good; he was always going to end up there.

But Ian was good. Ian was so good. Too good. Ian had loved Mickey before Mickey even knew what that meant. Ian had waited for Mickey. Ian had held Mickey in a way Mickey didn’t think even existed. Looked at him in a way you only saw in the movies. But Mickey had fucked that up. He’d ruined it. He’d ruined them.

The first time Ian had left, Mickey hadn’t gone after him. He hadn’t told him what he really felt, whatever the fuck that actually was. It was hard for Mickey, trying to put that into words. But he’d done, he’d actually done it. Mickey was never truly sure what love was, or how it was supposed to feel. Growing up around an asshole of a dad like Terry does that to you. But the way Ian made him feel, how could it be anything else? He made him feel free. Ian was the first person, the first time Mickey actually felt that he actually loved something that didn’t make him feel guilty, didn’t make him feel worthless or sad.

But that didn’t matter, not anymore. That love had been snatched away from him. He couldn’t love Ian now; he wasn’t allowed to. Ian didn’t want him. Ian didn’t love Mickey back. Ian didn’t wanna visit Mickey. Couldn’t stand the sight of him. Didn’t care about it. Had to be paid to even visit him. When Mickey asked if he’d wait for him, Ian had said yes. But that ‘yes’ had an entirely different meaning. Mickey knew he didn’t mean it, just as Ian knew. Mickey knew even asking that question was fucking desperate. The only time Ian had actually wanted to visit was the first, but that seemed so long ago. He must have been feeling guilty, that was the only real reason he would visit. It was awkward but lasted longer than his last visit. There was no Svet or Yev as a buffer. Just the two of them, as it should have been. Ian was far skinnier than Mickey remembered him being. His hair was a mess too. Bags under his eyes. And he seemed so dazed. At least this confirmed he was taking his meds, doing what he was supposed to do. But this didn’t make anything any easier.

The next time Ian visited; it was different. Like he’d remembered what happened between the two, remembered what he’d said. He couldn’t look Mickey in the eye, didn’t seem to listen to anything he said and just seemed to be generally somewhere else. Ian had been there at the sentencing too. Mickey had asked him to come, and he did. Mickey could spot that red hair a mile away. He couldn’t help himself, couldn’t help sneaking glances to the boy sat at the back of the room. Ian didn’t look in Mickey’s direction. Not once. Too painful. Well, shit, it was painful for Mickey too. 15 years, that’s a long fucking time. The realisation finally hit Mickey afterwards, back in his cell, knowing that this was his fate. He’d be in his thirties by the time he’d get out, if that day ever came. Mandy was gone. His brothers, his cousins, they’d be gone too. And Ian? Asking him to wait was a dumb fucking idea. Ian was going to have a life of his own, without Mickey and there was nothing he could do about it.

Regardless of everything, Ian Gallagher was a fucking asshole. He was a giant prick. A dickhead.

It was him, who supposedly fucked with Mandy. Him, who came searching for the gun. Him, who ran to Mickey when he had nowhere else to go. Him, who visited him in juvie. Him, who waited with Mandy when he got out. Him, who didn’t want him to go back for Frank. Him, who spent all summer looking at Mickey in a way Mickey never could have imagined. Him, who waited for Mickey. Him, who left because of Mickey. Him, who had kissed Mickey like he’d never kissed him before in that club. Him, who had teased him in ways that made Mickey’s lip curl. Him, who gave him that ultimatum at Yev’s christening. Him, who had fought against his homophobic piece of trash of a father. Him, who had come back to Mickey, only to be taken away again. Him, who made their little family complete. Him, who thought Mickey wouldn’t come back to him. Him, who made Mickey fall in love with him. Him, who’d taken that all away.

Mickey hadn’t thought about it before, but it seemed almost every memory Mickey had growing up, Ian-fucking-Gallagher was there. It hadn’t started like that. Before Ian, those memories Mickey had existed, but they were filled with anger, hatred, red. They were filled with a woman, dark hair, a small smile and loving hands. Then Terry. Just Terry. But now? He couldn’t escape him. Little league. 5th grade. His older brother. The essays. Mandy. The Kash ‘n’ Grab. The gun. Pizza Bagels. The summer air. High school bleachers. The alleyway. The gunshot wound. The movie. Terry. That stupid fucking suit. The club. That tank top. The alibi. Fuck, the list went on. Mickey could spend all night thinking about it. Not that he was going to do that, definitely not going to do that. Not after that last visit. Ian had made it pretty fucking clear, and Mickey wasn’t going to embarrass himself anymore. He wasn’t gonna pine over Ian. He wasn’t pathetic. Wasn’t desperate. No matter how much it hurt.

It was late, and for where he was, Mickey thought it seemed pretty quiet. His cellmate kept himself to himself, which suited Mickey fine. He didn’t want any hassle, couldn’t handle it. Not today. He was tired, his brain was wired, all these thoughts kept circling around and around. He kept seeing him, he just wouldn’t go away. Mickey didn’t want him to. Watching him leave the last time, fuck, it hurt. Mickey knew it would, but he didn’t imagine he would ever feel this way. After the buzzer, after everyone had left, visitors, the rest of the fuckers locked up, he had just sat there. The fat fuck of a guard had wobbled over to him, howling abuse, forcing him out of his seat. But all Mickey saw was the back of Ian, walking away from him. Likely forever. Jesus, he was being dramatic. He had to snap out of it. It was just…stupid. It was done. Ian didn’t love him. Didn’t want him. And nothing Mickey could do would change that.

It still hurt, though. Thinking back to that day, the day when his name finally popped up on the screen. When he heard his voice for the first time in days. Hey, Mick. Mickey had fucking ran, sprinted over there. He had no clue what Ian was going to do, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to see him, he missed him so much. Felt like he fucked it. There wasn’t an expectation that he had actually fucked it. Those few days apart, they’d changed everything. Ian couldn’t look at Mickey the same, and he didn’t want to. Those bullshit excuses he came up with, they broke Mickey’s heart. And then the fucking realisation hit him. Ian didn’t want Mickey anymore. He didn’t want him there looking out for him, looking after him, loving him. The one thing Mickey thought he might actually be good at, the thing he tried so hard to do. And it was fucking pointless. It was over, he’d lost the one good thing in his life. And Ian wasn’t going to let him back in. That was it.

Mickey was lying flat on this piece of shit they called a bed. His head was tucked by the pillow, and he was staring up at the bottom of his cellmate’s mattress. Mickey knew Ian was bound to be at home. He was bound to be with the rest of the Gallaghers. Maybe he was tired, too. Hard day at work. Mickey knew he was still working at Patsy’s, and probably still hating it. Mickey could see why. He couldn’t think of anything worse than washing down tables and having to take orders from the oldest Gallagher sibling. Well, there were worse things. But those things only happened to people like Mickey, people who deserved it. Not Ian. Ian had to have something good. He may be a gigantic asshole, may have fucking destroyed Mickey, but Mickey couldn’t hate him. He just couldn’t. It was late, and the past few times he had actually visited, Ian had seemed so tired, sleepy. Maybe he was in bed too. Waiting for the world to turn dark so he could sleep. Waiting for the new day, just not waiting for Mickey.

Mickey’s fingers moved from the side of his until they found his chest. Pulling the jumpsuit away from his body, his index finger trailed across the writing tattooed on his chest. It fucking hurt. The tattoo did too. There was some dried blood that had stained the white tank Mickey wore under the jumpsuit. He dragged his finger across the words over and over again, until he had to close his eyes.

His mind kept falling into that trap, kept following where Mickey didn’t want it to go. Mickey couldn’t do it, couldn’t even attempt to sleep. He knew as soon as he closed his eyes, all he would see was that fucking redhead. More out of frustration than anything else, Mickey’s fist hit the wall. Nothing. He hit it again. And again. And again. The usual shouts from the cells down the block started up, but Mickey carried on. His cellmate didn’t make a peep, only rolled over, making the mattress creak. Mickey didn’t stop until the blood started to trickle down his arm. He watched it go, until a drip landed on his thigh. The ‘fuck’ on his fingers was barely visible, now covered in pure red. There was a slight crack in the wall, a tiny dent if anything. Mickey had hardly made a scratch. Fucking wall. Some of his blood had fallen into the small crack. Mickey moved his hand to try and grab it, but it just slipped away. Trying to wipe the colour off, he just smudge it. It was all red.

Red, it was all red. That’s all Mickey saw. It was all he was going to see. Red.

Somehow, Lip’s doom room seemed bigger than the room he had once shared with his younger brothers, the room Ian now alone shared with his two youngest siblings. Maybe it was the lack of bed’s squashed in, lack of overcrowding, the lack of any reminders of the South Side. But whatever, Ian didn’t care about that. He didn’t care about the size of his room, didn’t care about the fact that Ian would never be sitting where Lip sat, didn’t care that his brother felt so distance now, so different. Ian didn’t seem to care about anything now, couldn’t bring himself to do it. Nothing mattered that much, Ian didn’t matter.

Lip was sat by his desk, his eyes focused on the $150 laptop he’d managed to find. The screen’s brightness reflected on his face, but that didn’t seem to matter. Lip was tapping away, even with his brother sitting across from him on his bed. Ian was leaning back, his head against the wall and his eyes unfocused. He could see the blurry figure of his older brother, but everything else was dazed. Nothing seemed to occupy his mind, but for the first time in weeks, Ian didn’t mind that. He didn’t mind feeling exhausted. Didn’t mind that he struggled to move any quicker. He actually felt calm. Even if this moment of bliss was interrupted by Lip turning around, Ian didn’t care.

“So, you, uh, ended it? With Mickey, right?” Lip asked as he began to light a cigarette. Ian watched his older brother as he puffed out the smoke and moved across to offer it to him. Ian stared at it for a minute, before slowly nodding and taking the cigarette from his brother’s hand. He took a drag, inhaled the smoke and watched as the rest escaped from his mouth. Ian watched as the smoke glided up and up, until it had disappeared completely. He knew what he must have looked like in that moment. Knew Lip was closely watching him, eyebrows frowned.

“Yeah, I mean…it was before…” Ian tried to shrug it off. He didn’t want to talk about Mickey, not with Lip, not with anyone. Those moments when Mickey filled his brain, his mind, his head, those were for him and only for him.

“Yeah. But you, uh, visited him again?”

“Yeah…”

“Why?”

“Svetlana paid me.” Just saying it made Ian feel guilty, maybe not as guilty as he should be. But why else would he realistically visit Mickey? It just made things harder. He didn’t have anything to say to Mickey, nothing he could say would ever make things better. He knew that, and Mickey must know that too, at least now. Ian thought he’d made that clear. Drawn a line under it. But could he ever do that with Mickey?

“How much?”

Ian rolled his eyes, of course, Lip just cared about the fucking money, like that even mattered. It didn’t. Well, maybe, a little. Svetlana knew it was the only way she could get Mickey to see her. Wouldn’t without Ian. But Ian didn’t want to be involved in their shit, he had his own Mickey shit to deal with. “Don’t judge me.”

“I’m not. What happened?”

“Uh, he asked me to wait for him.” Ian scoffed; he couldn’t help himself. Ian didn’t think he’d actually ask him that, have the balls to. But of course, he did. It never crossed his mind, at least not that the time, that Mickey was desperate. He was desperate for any sign, even the smallest thing, from Ian that he hadn’t meant what he said before. That he was willing to try.

“What’d you say?”

“Yeah.” Ian shrugged, though not very convincingly. Ian knew he that, and Ian knew that Mickey did too. Ian saw how the shield had dropped and that vulnerable, softer side of Mickey came out when he asked if he’d wait. He saw the longing in Mickey’s eyes waiting for the answer. He saw how his eyes avoided Ian’s, became glossier, and distant when Ian answered. Ian saw how Mickey’s eyes took one last look at Ian before going back to his cell, and then disappeared forever. Ian saw what he had done to Mickey.

Lip saw it, knew it too. Lip knew what Ian was saying without having to speak the words. It was this thing they had; Lip wasn’t sure when it started. It just always seemed to be there. They had almost nine years just the three of them. Fiona, Lip and Ian. The three oldest Gallagher siblings grew closer, it was the only thing they could do. Fiona took charge, like she always did, which left Lip and Ian.

It was something unspoken, a little connection. Lip could always tell when something was up with Ian, when he was keeping something from him, when he was faltering. Which was why Lip hated himself so much after Ian’s diagnosis. Lip knew, deep down, he did, the moment he and Debbie found Ian in that club. He knew when Ian was staying up until crazy hours, going on runs for miles and miles, shouting all these ridiculous ideas. He knew when he stayed in Mickey’s bed for four days straight. He knew when Ian refused to go to the clinic. He knew all that time and didn’t make any real effort to help his baby brother. Ian, who Lip always looked out for. Ian, who Lip shared so much with. Ian, who Lip told everything.

But there were some things Lip didn’t understand about Ian, even now. He was fucking confusing, particularly about Mickey. “Why’d you go see him, Ian? Even with Svetlana paying you…”

“We broke up. I didn’t…couldn’t deal with the way he looked at me. Like I was so…broken. I’m not, okay? Things changed. And I…all he wanted was to take care of me. Like I’m so sick I can’t do anything myself. Like I need to be fixed. That’s not…I didn’t want that..for me or him.” Hearing those words escape his lips, Ian wasn’t sure how that made him feel. It was more or less what Ian had told Mickey. I don’t want you sitting around, worrying, watching me, waiting for me… Too much is wrong with me, and you can’t do anything about that…You can’t fix me….I don’t need to be fixed… That self-loathing Ian felt, it was fucking with everything. But Ian had meant what he’d said. Him and Mickey…they didn’t work anymore. It had nothing to do with anyone else. Just Ian. Nothing Monica said. Nothing she did. Things had changed too much between them. And Ian, he didn’t need Mickey anymore. He had to let him go. He could survive without him. Ian had to think like this, otherwise what was the point?

“Serious? You dumped him ‘cos of that?” Lip frowned, putting out the cigarette and closing down the laptop.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Lip tapped his finger on his desk before turning around to face his brother, like he was thinking about what he was about to say. Lip was always more of a talk shit, think later kinda guy. Ian thought he must actually want Ian to listen this time, follow his words and understand. “Own your shit, Ian.” Oh, Ian didn’t expect that. God, he’d got so use to everyone being so quiet, so delicate with him, that he’d forgotten how cut-throat the Gallagher’s could be. How cut-throat his brother was. He’d actually missed this, being treated like a fucking normal person. Lip was watching all of these thoughts process through Ian’s mind, saw how he almost lit up, saw how his brother, Ian, was back, even for just a minute. “You think Mick wanted to end it?”

“No.” Ian answered, his voice so small, it almost didn’t exist.

“So, you did it for you.” Lip raised his eyebrow, and gave his younger brother a small smile, as if he knew. Of course he fucking did, fucking Lip.

“Asshole.”

Lip sighed, “You’re allowed to be selfish, okay?” Ian was misunderstanding. Lip wasn’t berating him, wasn’t giving him a telling off, wasn’t telling him what he did was wrong. That was Ian’s business, whether Lip agreed or not. Shit, Lip had made so majorly fucked up decisions in past week, let alone past few years. And Ian had been there for all of them. And didn’t give a fuck, mostly. The topic of Karen could still be a little bit touchy on a bad day. All Lip wanted was for Ian to admit why. He was allowed to be selfish. He was having a bitch of a time, but maybe, just maybe, he’d come out of it, eventually. And he’d realise.

“I was an asshole, but it was the right thing to do.”

“OK.”

“I don’t know why I went, to get it over with, I guess.” Ian said this, as if it was nothing. As if he was getting rid of something like an old pair of pants or an empty cartoon or juice. No emotion. Nonchalant. Lip knew Ian was being completely truthful, not his brother and certainly not to himself. It was like his thoughts and feelings were still there, but there was some kind of wall blocking them from coming out. Lip knew the meds Ian was taking would fuck with him for a bit, but it would have to get better eventually. His brother would have to come back to him eventually. Surely? But maybe not. Lip wasn’t stupid. Fuck, he hated seeing his brother like this. That cheesy grin, the glow he seemed to exude, it didn’t exist anymore. Ian was just grey. All the time.

“I..just…don’t get it.”

“What d’you mean?” Ian sighed, Lip wasn’t going to stop, that much was clear. Ian didn’t know what he was trying to say. Was Ian such an asshole that Lip Gallagher, who at one time, fucking despised Mickey, was on his side? They didn’t hate each other now, maybe. The Gallaghers, they’d all got use to have Mickey around. Like family. And then Ian took that away from them. Away from himself. Away from Mickey. Yeah, he was an asshole.

“Look, I never really got you two together…but, you know, he tried…when shit hit the fan.” Shit hit the fan. Yeah, it did a whole lot more than that, Lip. Fuck’s sake.

“Sometimes that’s not enough.” Ian said, his voice almost a whisper. Mickey tried. Yes, Ian knew that. But that didn’t change anything. It didn’t change the way Mickey looked at him, the shift between them, how everything seemed to feel so different. It wasn’t just Mickey who looked at him like that, it was everyone. Every single one of his siblings, even Liam. But it was Mickey who hurt the most. Mickey who Ian thought could look past that. But he couldn’t, no one could. Breaking up with Mickey, that was the only way Ian could gain back some control. But fuck, was it worth it?

“Guess not.”

“Yeah.”

“Gonna visit him again?”

“Should I?” Ian asked, almost laughing. Why would Lip want him to visit Mickey? Shit, he never liked him.

“Not up to me, little brother.”

Ian didn’t know what Lip was getting at. Did he want him to visit Mickey? Hammer the final nail in the coffin? It wasn’t as if Ian hadn’t thought about Mickey, like there was something unfinished. He wished he didn’t. Not much filled Ian’s brain these days, he couldn’t let anything even if he wanted to. But Mickey…sometimes he’d creep in when Ian would least expect it. Ian would be washing some dirty dishes and he’d just randomly pop into Ian’s mind. Or just before bed, something would remind Ian of him, and then he wouldn’t leave, not until Ian woke up in the morning. This wasn’t all the time; Ian didn’t think he’d be able to handle that. But when Mickey did appear in his thoughts, he lingered. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, the hole that Ian felt constantly, the tiredness, the nothingness, it would slip away. Sometimes it would be quick and appear almost immediately again. But it would go. Ian knew this wasn’t healthy and he knew this wasn’t going to fix anything. But he couldn’t help it. Damn that blue-eyed, dark-haired, short-ass fucker. And yet, he had no idea. No idea what the single thought of him was doing to Ian. Ian knew there was no point overthinking it, he knew this wouldn’t and couldn’t change anything. But…maybe Lip was right. He had to put an end to it.

Fuck. Ian was gonna have to visit Mickey again, wasn’t he?

#gallavich #Ian x mickey #mickey x ian #gallavich fic #Ian x mickey fic #mickey x ian fic #shameless #gallavich fanfic #Ian x mickey fanfic #mickey x ian fanfic #shameless fic #shameless fanfic #gallavich fanfiction #shameless fanfiction #Ian gallagher #mickey milkovich #mine #my writing #forever meant nothing when we had nothing

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cavvyiswriting · 11 months ago

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unprompted writing bc im hyperfixating about fallout new vegas

Can read it below the break, spoilers for many major quests.

6's eyes flutter open lazily, taking in the room around her, she recognizes that feeling. And the headache that follows. Last time she felt like this she was in Doc Mitchell's care.

This time the headache is from the Med-x, not a 9mm.

She rolls over over to see ED-E patiently waiting for her, hovering next to her bed like always. It's 2284, New Year's Day on the Strip. Or at least it would have been if they weren't dealing with a thousand issues at once. Refugees clogged the Strip and Freeside, the Followers were overwhelmed, and her army of Securitrons were trying to keep the peace.

She stands and puts on her clothes, leaving off her blackjack duster. And moseys on out into the penthouse meeting room, ED-E following closely behind.

Sitting at the table are some of her closest advisors, Arcade Gannon, in his Remnant Power Armor, and Veronica Santangelo, in her modified suit of T-45d. The leaders of many of the most powerful groups from throughout the Mojave also sit at the table: Raquel, the new elder of the Boomers; Elder Hardin, of the Brotherhood's Mojave Chapter; Marcus, mayor of Jacobstown; The King, from Freeside; Julie Farkas from the Followers; a delegate from each of the major towns, Goodsprings, Novac, Westside, and a representative each from the Three Families.

As always, she was late, and they were all screaming at each other by the time she arrived.

She takes her seat at the head of the table. And everyone falls silent, she looks tired, it's been a long 2 years.

The delegate from Goodsprings speaks up first, "Ma'am, what are you planning to do? We've already lost Primm and the majority of the I-15."

"Well, the Gun Runners pulled out weeks ago, so we've lost a huge potential store of weapons to help, didn't we?" Veronica's voice is low, trying to consider all possibilities.

She thinks back on what Ulysses had said to her in the Divide years ago, "Mojave'll be easy prey for them. They'll start emerging throughout the Mojave in time, might be years. Probably less. They breed fast, hunt in groups, more than enough to bring down the strongest in the Mojave."

Slowly, 6 stands up from her chair – robbed from Caesar after the Second Battle for Hoover Dam – and steps quietly over to the window, overlooking the west side of the Mojave, able to see everything from Goodsprings, Red Rock, and Jacobstown. And all the fires to the Southwest past Goodsprings. Where Primm used to be, that the Boomers turned into a smoking crater to stop the spread.

"The Khans had the right idea, leaving. It was the only way I'd be able to help them get away from what was coming."

6's voice cast a shadow of gloom and doubt over every representative.

"We're going to die here, in the Mojave. Nothing in the Big Empty can help us against what's gonna come crawling up outta the Divide."

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #writers #writing inspiration #fallout #fallout 1 #fallout 2 #fallout new vegas #fnv #fnv ocs #fnv oc #fnv courier #arcade fnv #veronica fnv #courier 6 #fallout writing #fallout: new vegas

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gymbrogaymersadfag · 2 months ago

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The way I stopped caring some gays treat me different now I’ve had a colossal “glow-up.” Like, you wanna party with me now? Oh you party with ppl u wanna fuck? We can play this game. I’ll let u snort my blow if u suck my dick, is that how you want things to be?? Get on your knees 😭😭😭

For context I think I was always so cute. Hair used to be thinner and I had a slight chubbiness that went nicely over my muscles and sometimes I looked like a borderline bara hunk. Super innocent face with amazing smile and luckily some really nice teeth. I could get laid with other cute guys pretty often, but when I’d go clubbing, the rudeness came out of no where for no reason from some gay ringleaders of various friend groups who didn’t want to be seen with me or in some cases for their friends to be seen with me.

I’ve worked on my hair for a couple years with finasteride and minoxidil and as long as it’s done nicely after a shower, it’s now as thick as it was when I was 15 - I’m 28. When I was 23, it was thin enough to see right to my scalp all over on a sunny day. For two years now I’ve been taking human growth hormone and a topical testosterone cream.

3 months ago, I started ozempic. Literally off the black market, but from a source I’ve trusted for other medications. I also cycle in some other peptides, similar meds to ozempic which all do various things as they target the pituitary gland to release different stuff in the body. (Melanotan 2, for example, makes me more tan and increases my libido. That one is illegal in the US and has random side effects on random people, so be careful before trying that one out.) Only two of my friends know I’m on ozempic. The fat has come off my body and the muscle I’ve been building with very regular gym workouts for 6+ years, 4-6x/week, is suddenly so obvious on me. I was soft all over but now I’ve got two bouncy pecs and a 6 pack I’ve never seen on myself even in my brief college twinky phase.

I might also add that I’ve been doing full service sex work since 2018, so like also 6 years. I’m just used to middle aged guys trading head with me, handing me a couple benjamins, and me driving home for the night. Sex is something I always just felt so natural partaking in, and I’ve enjoyed being a sex worker more than any other job, since my first full-time at 14 detassling in corn fields.

Going into gay raves the last month and a half, I can make out with pretty much any guy. It’s weird. I thought maybe I would feel more confident but it’s something else. Not confidence, not insecurity, but a secret third thing. I feel like some of these hot guys are like, just other clients. Like, ok you wanna fuck me?? Sure let’s do it. I’m just there. Yeah, I’m still enjoying myself. I’m being treated like I won something but I don’t feel like I’ve won something. And a lot of these guys didn’t give me the time of day 6 months ago. I remember which ones too, but they literally don’t remember me. Should I care??? It’s not even painful, it’s more just like “oh this whole game really is skin deep. I knew it all along, but didn’t realize the magnitude.”

The biggest crush I ever had has crippling self confidence issues that impacted the chance we had with each other even before this glow up of mine. Like I said I was always cute. I feel like I have less than zero chance with him now. He gets so anxious and nervous around me when we’re alone. He sometimes responds to my compliments of him with expressions of self hatred. He responds to my little flirts with great discomfort, so I stopped trying and made it clear I still enjoy him as a friend in the group and want him around in any context. This was months ago. I know he likes me. I know he jacks off at night thinking about me, a year and a half after the one passionate night we had. Sometimes I’ve gotten the impression that he doesn’t like standing next to me in pictures because he doesn’t like seeing our faces next to each other bc he doesn’t like his own face.

He’s gorgeous. I know I’m not the only one who thinks so. I think girls like his looks more than gay boys, I’ve had multiple instances where a girlfriend of mine hopefully asked me if he was straight. Loves his junk food and couch rotting and maybe oughtta start working out more just for his mental health, but physically I wouldn’t change a thing. He was a college athlete and I think he feels bad bc he was college-athlete-hot 5 years ago and had the opposite trajectory as me when it comes to technically-hot-body. He pushed me away so many times I’m at peace with the thought nothing may ever work out. But I still yearn to be his little spoon every night.

I blame these other skin-deep muscle gays

#gay

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emmawoodhaus · 7 months ago

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so today a patient came in with her glucose through the roof (she has type 2 diabetes). she had only come once before and had missed her last appointment.

our nurse gave me her vitals before I called her in, I saw the sugar levels and I got annoyed bc now I had to adjust her treatment and in primary care in public healthcare in México we don’t have like a lot of options, and also a lot of patients in the clinic where I work just seem to not care about their health and they don’t take care of themselves, they miss appointments, and just come back when something hurts or their children force them to go, so you know, I started making assumptions.

and also I thought maybe it was to the point where I had to send her to the hospital and it’s a lot of extra work and I was already behind my paperwork, the point is that I got annoyed and a little frustrated.

but I put my best customer service (or patient service??) smile and voice and called her in, I asked her how had she been doing, how was she feeling, and she said well apparently bad, the nurse told me my sugar is really high. I said well yeah it is, has something happened? have you changed some eating habits, did you miss some meds?

AND she told me she had to go to the US because TWO of her brothers got killed in a school shooting, they left home when they were 15 yo, and apparently they worked for the school (custodial staff she thinks) when it happened and sadly they passed away.

so of course she couldn’t come to the appointment and she finished her meds and couldn’t afford to buy them (meds are free in our clinic). we talked some more and she told me about them when they were in México, about the families they made in a new country, about finally meeting her nieces and nephews for the first time in such a sad and devastating circumstance

she was fine clinically and I just adjusted her treatment, and she left thanking me and saying she was glad I was her doctor bc I wasn’t mean and didn’t chastise her high levels.

but you know I felt like shit, I was just making assumptions and was worried about my fucking paperwork and about getting off work on fucking time

I wrote this as a reminder to myself mostly, because this is my first year as a real doctor (kind off), but if some other doctors or healthcare workers read this, just take a breath and stop thinking about the paperwork, all the extra work and just look the human being in front of you and talk to them, they have so much to say, and they trust us with their lives (literally)

we need to hear what patients have to say, even the patients we think they don’t care, because there’s got to be a reason why and it’s our job to find that reason.

#personal rant #I might delete this #but I don’t want to forget this #not when I’m just starting

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rhubarb4745 · 9 months ago

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i want to write an essay about being on psychiatric medication & the havoc it wreaked on my body rly bad but idk where to start or how to frame it. rly it was just so fucked up. i went on celexa when i was ten and had rly bad side effects. when i went to the psych ward when i was twelve they put me on lexapro and i was back in a week. then i ended up on antipsychotics even tho i wasn't manic/psychotic at all -- later i asked my mom why & she said it was bc i was operating in a way that was 'like you weren't living in reality' referring to my irrational responses to sexual abuse -- which, duh! when i was in 8th grade i was in a dissociative fugue state for more than a year. i was so outside my body it was terrifying. i felt like i was on drugs all the time. my mood stabilizers made me start lactating -- i was fourteen!!! i would soak thru my bras and tank tops. all my shit was stained. a few weeks ago i was texting w my best friend from that time & she reminded me about how during sleepovers i would convulse in my sleep. she often thought i was having seizures but it was just my meds. i would also do it while i was falling asleep. i had horrible restless leg syndrome, i remember this one night a boy i was sleeping on the couch with at my cousin's house almost called 911 because he thought i was dying. i was sick all the time; sometimes i would forget doses and puke or i would take them at the wrong time and puke or i wouldn't eat beforehand and i would puke or i would eat too much beforehand and i would puke. i forget exactly what i was on when i was 15-16 or so but as soon as i took them i would have to lay down or i would puke. i couldn't even sit up for ten minutes. i was never happy. they barely worked. i was on such high doses. when i stopped taking trazodone in high school my mom was also on it. i was taking double her dose every night and still couldn't sleep. i went off of everything when i was seventeen after i hyperventilated in my psychiatrist's office about how nothing had ever worked. we titrated off of everything really carefully and slowly. i had the WORST side effects. even the stuff he said would have no side effects for most people going off them absolutely tore my body up. i was in hell for months. when i came out the other side of the withdrawals i was happier than i had been in years. when we were driving i told my dad i could see the sunset again

#diary #idk it's so weird there is so much there #it was such a cloud over my life #and so extensive and long idk where to start #i was on so many meds and the side effects were so severe for me #like my doctors have been confused by it for years #it's something abt me #who knows !!

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literaphobe · 3 years ago

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(you don't have to answer if you don't want to) but i was curious how you found out you had adhd? esp since you mentioned being singaporean cause like i also grew up in sg and like barely anybody (gov, school, ect) mentioned adhd stuff growing up and tbh i feel like i only saw it in tv and stuff so im curious? also no yeah adhd is a struggle but i know you can do it you're like the sexiest girlboss blogger i know :DDDD

essentially i had a breakdown when i was 15 and i was skipping school so much (i would go one day and skip the next for instance) for mental health reasons i was also addicted to spn at the time like i mean u know my hyperfixation and well i will say that while i would read spn fanfiction and go through the dash when i skipped school it was also not the reason i skipped school like it was just... id just get dressed for school and then something in me would stop halfway and id go back to be and i was getting so much detention and i was suspended multiple times (IN SCHOOL SUSPENSION IS SO BAD THEY MAKE U SIT OUT IN THE OPEN IN FRONT OF THE GENERAL OFFICE AND STUDY ALL DAY LIKE DAMN COOL I DONT EVEN GET TO LEARN THE TIME I COME TO SCHOOL EXCELLENT SYSTEM GUYS) and yeah i remember running to one of my mom's friends house (it was a 2 minute walk away) to sit nearby and secretly use the wifi bc my mom turned the wifi off at our house thinking it would somehow make me more well behaved and she took my phone away and locked it in her drawer so i learnt to pick locks and one time i hid it and she got mad and screamed and got violent etc she had like a friend install something on my computer so i couldn't use it and i just... found a way to remove it somehow anyway um i did not respond well to my freedom being restricted but the adhd diagnosis thing happened bc one day i broke down in a doctor's office bc i was so sick of lying to get doctors letters (sometimes i wouldn't even take the effort to go and just let them suspend me) and my father had stopped speaking to me and didn't visit me for ages as punishment for my school skipping ways (my parents r divorced) anyway lo and behold i begged for help i thought i was depressed and i got an appointment w a mental health person and i was diagnosed for adhd (which came as a shock to me) (in hindsight it should never have been a shock) and well my school was threatening to expel me but after they found out i had adhd my principal was like huh... what are u and i was like i got this thing called medication im gonna try and take it and i pinky promise i will try and come to school more and well a bunch of my family members got all up in hands and refused to believe i had adhd so they brainwashed my mom who believed i had adhd at first (the doctor told her i had it) to thinking adhd wasn't even real and i had this tutor who took a 5 minute adhd test ANSWERED IT FOR ME WITHOUT CONSULTING ME and claimed to my mom that he had proved i didn't have adhd to this day my mother still does not really acknowledge the fact that i have adhd and when my dad found out i got diagnosed he looked up stuff on adhd and began to claim "my adhd is worse than yours!" and years later brainwashed himself into thinking he got me adhd help (so i reminded him that i broke down in a doctors office and got a diagnosis that he wasn't even there for and he thankfully believed me bc he knows my long term memory is really fucking good)

also they put my sister on adhd meds and years later she confessed to me she didn't even think she needed help for adhd "i think i could have adhd but its nowhere near as bad as yours" and well . well. all i will say is that this is the very long version of "i had Problems in school that snowballed and exploded in my face because no one cared until it was too late"

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rebellum · 2 years ago

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Every once in a while I'm reminded that I'm like actually traumatized from being mentally ill and the helplessness I felt

Like I've been okay for maybe around a year now, actually good, I'm no longer disabled

But I still have rough nights like tonight where it's like I can't help but think about it and daydream scenarios where I tell people about how absolutely failed I feel I was from the people around me

Like I did what you're supposed to do in that situation- I told multiple trusted adults about my mental health issues. And my mum helped a lot, definitely, and she did her best, I don't fault her for that, but no one else did anything either

I wish I had gone behind my mums back earlier

At 17 I knew how anti-medicstion she was (or, thought she was, it was a whole situation where she's not actually anti medication and just felt like it was best to tell me that meds wouldn't help bc she wanted to help me to feel better, esp since in her opinion I wouldn't have gotten medication while under 18)

and finally went to a psychiatrist who of course was like "oh my god yes I will help you" because she realised if wasn't fucking okay or normal for a teen to hallucinate when they get anxious and have paranoia and be so desperate for death from depression

And im. Starting to realise by typing this out that I don't think my mum did really do her best, maybe. She still should have taken me to a doctor. When your 15 year old tells you they want to die and that they think aliens are after them and that almost every day they feel spiders crawling all over them, you take them to the fucking doctor, not hope it goes away because you had a simular mental health issue that went away in your early 20s

I was just in such desperate need of help and almost no one helped me. I went to my aunt and she was basically like wow that sucks. I told my acting instructor and she, to my absolute befuddlement, told me anxiety was actually good because without it people wouldn't do things like meet deadlines. No one fucking helped me and its been 13 years since the whole thing started happening that made me spend ages like 12-21ish in absolute agony. So I guess I just get into states like this sometimes where I can't help but feel terrible that at 12 years old I literally wrote a suicide note every single month but chickened out. For years I've thought like, that's fine, 12 is almost 13 and therefore basically a teenager, and many teens have rough times, so it's actually good that I got to have 11 years of childhood

But as I get older and more separate from my past self I realise that wasn't enough

That there are 15 year olds worried about normal teens things like if someone has a crush on them, and that adolescence is actually a part of childhood, and that it was robbed by me by my mental illness. I've so far bad to spend my early 20s where other people emotionally are at teens because I straight up fucking missed a big part of my development. Of course I'm traumatized. I don't even know how to deal with it though. This times where I can't help but imagine explaining it get farther apart, at least. I haven't had one like this in months.

I think I still feel helpless. I m no longer disabled but i still struggle and I still feel like I'm under control of some monster of mental illness. And I don't even know if it's normal or not! I don't know if everyone in their 20s feels helpless like they're on a raft in an ocean because they know what they need to do and how to do it but have to deal with the idea that their body just won't let them do it. I've been in uni since fall 2016 because of mental health issues making me drop my classes, and I'm supposed to have just one year left, and I plan on doing it, and I want to do it, but an outside force may stop me from completing it on time. And yeah maybe just everyone young feels this way, like some mercurial outside force is keeping them tethered. And maybe I'm just being a baby about it. Or maybe crying about it is also a normal and okay part of it and I'm not being stupid and oversensitive.

Tomorrow will be better, I suspect, today has just been a REALLY rough day for me

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maccreadysimp · 4 years ago

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breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

#mine #shameless #ian gallgher #gallavich #mickey milkovich #text post

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paradoxesofgalaxies · 3 years ago

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15 and 18? 💜

Thank you Sae 💜💜

15. When parts are working together in your life, what does that look like?

I'm not really sure, but I hope to find out!

18. What has your experience with therapy been like?

A lot lol. Only some of which i remember.

This might get long and possibly triggering so it's going below a cut.

So, yeah, this got really long with a litany of triggers so TW: emetophobia, xtrianity, rape, csa, victim blaming (most of these are briefly mentioned)

We saw a therapist for the first time when we were nine. Our parents had found out we'd been faking ill and forcing ourselves to vomit to get out of school bc of the bullying so we were taken to a therapist for awhile. I don't remember much, but I have mostly good vibes around this therapist. She played boggle with me and had me tear up phone books.

Around 12 or 13 i started seeing a therapist again for depression. And thus began the blur of therapists, xtrian "counselors", psychiatrists, and hospitalizations that occupied our teen years.

Most of those experiences were pretty bad. Because of our confusing mix of symptoms we got bounced around to different providers.

At 14, i started seeing a psychiatrist who i continued seeing until I was 19. She was lovely and warm and really tried to help me. Looking back, i think she may have suspected that a trauma disorder was the root problem, but, at the time, we denied any trauma. However, over the years, she kept coming back to the question of csa as she said all my symptoms lined up but we had no memory of it. I only stopped seeing her when she shut down her practice to start working inpatient.

While taking time off from college bc of mental health problems, i saw a new psychiatrist who then referred me to his colleague for a second opinion. The second psychiatrist diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder and treated me until I moved out of state.

While seeing him, i also saw one of the few therapists i actually liked. I don't remember much, mostly just good vibes.

Then I had a few years of not being in treatment. We went off all the meds we'd been on since we were 11 and didn't do any therapy.

Oh wait, we did see someone else after the good therapist. There was the fucking counselor at the school counseling center who told us that getting raped was "at least half [our] fault" when we went to her two days after getting raped. I think that was a major reason for not finding another therapist after moving back to school.

So, anyways, after a few years of being off meds, we were struggling and found a new psychiatrist who we continued seeing until the fiasco around leaving the Manor (at one point in that mess, a part told our psychiatrist that we had lied about everything and then stopped going)

While seeing that psychiatrist, we made a few attempts at therapy that didn't work out. One worked at the same place as the bitch who blamed me for getting raped. Another stopped taking insurance.

But there was one i saw for a few months and it was going pretty well, but then she brought up the possibility of DID and we bailed.

Finally, about 2 years ago, we started seeing a therapist for the first time since figuring out DID. She was great! Unfortunately, this was while we were living with our parents so therapy was mostly trying to manage the retraumatization and struggles of living there. But she was a huge support for me during that time.

Since moving back here, I've been out of therapy bc we couldn't afford it with our insurance. But now that we're gonna have waaay better insurance, I'm hoping to be able to start therapy again soon.

#galactic gab #asked and answered

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dykeceit · 5 years ago

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janus' playlist not-really-analysis just me screaming

so first of all this whole playlist absolutely SLAPS, its the first side playlist that's just my taste and it doesnt surprise me that it's janus' bc of course it is i am absolutely 100% more attracted to him now somehow,

im absolutely not okay and this isn't gonna be articulate in any way but i. have to.

1. black hole sun

???hes sad?? apparently its about depression with some sexy snake metaphors....maybe hes just sad in general or he misses virgil. also postmodern jukebox hell yeah

2. it seemed the better way

this feels like it could be about patton or like thinking one thing and then realizing its not true ig could be that w society in general or people...him developing his trust issues possibly "i better hold my tongue, i better take my place" or like oh the other sides hate me ig ill be a villain then...

3. anywhere

janus sanders says fuck capitalism!

4. talking at the same time

eat the rich,,,virgil left me:(

5. all the good girls go to hell

he's needed and the others are starting to realize it. hes quite smug abt it "my turn to ignore ya, don't say i didn't warn ya" damn right boy

6. denial

he blasted this song after svs while crying "please don't turn the light out, i don't think the conversation's over" he had to wait almost a year but he finally got to continue that conversation,, "i know where you'd wanna go, oh i do, but do you?"

7. trust in me

i mean yeah sexxy snake moment right here

8. razzle dazzle

so obviously its just his aesthetic tm but the lyrics...are the jabs at roman or himself, perhaps both? i never took him to be very insecure but that's a possibility

9. when the chips are down

basically his speech about society in svs and how he doesn't want thomas to be disadvantaged in it

10. mandy goes to med school

uhhh yeah who knows there's a bit of a i know what im doing jk vibe going on and Doing Harm but the thing itself is necessary to Have yknow right to abortions its just theyre not legal so hes doing them illegally and apparently two ppl died from them so not great,,"my partner brian" at the end made me think of remus tbh "hes a nice man, thoroughly reliable, he's in a rock band" kinda gives off the vibe of eh yeah hes totally reliable lmao dw tho, so basically what im taking from this is dukeceit is canon thanks for coming to my ted talk

11. i put a spell on you

i mean its definetely his Vibes but idk if its @ anyone specifically...could be virgil, could be roman, maybe thomas himself...its a vengeful kinda song, hes like fuck you you're listening to me now im done you treating me like shit

12. evil night together

so aside from this being an extremely hot song its def dukeceit vibes as in they'd both like it but the hero part as others have pointed out is giving out major roceit vibes and thomas and co know this those bastards

13. cabaret: don't tell mama

im assuming this is more of a..this is what he likes to listen to plus its about secrecy which is his thing but i guess "mama" could be someone in particular as well, and/or he could be singing it to someone in particular...

14. you're a cad

bruh. first of i loved this song already secondly iM SORRY THOMAS WHAT ARE YOY IMPLYING HERE like first i was like this isn't abt Him right that wouldn't make sense so is it about...virgil...well ofc it is bruh what the fuck bro....im loving this bc its casting virgil in an unsympathetic light and i love that shit but also its revealing janus still Feels quite a lot for him and idk how to feel abt this i. the part of me that still loves anxceit is screaming and the part of me that hates virgil is also screaming they haven't stopped for a minute-

15. as far as i can see

so dukeceit vibes possibly virgil reference since he "went down the staircase" to his spot,,so basically he and remus maybe virgil and orange too like pushing ppl down the stairs bc they feel unheard

16. criminal

this is where the angst train rly starts choo choo....so. who is he singing about here. my god i want it to be roman so bad but it Could be virgil...which would imply he thinks he's wronged him somehow which would mean virgil has a more valid reason to dislike him and I Don't Like That. but whoever hes singing about is clearly important to him... "he's all i knew of love" bro....that's just screaming virgil right i dont like it op...basically he feels guilty for smth and to be "redeemed". he clearly doesn't need redemption from his canon actions so far, and he hasn't acted like he regrets any of them, which is making me think its abt smth in his past buut maybe he does feel bad for manipulating roman now bc he realized how hurt roman was and thats what i wanna believe it's about ok roceit rights except roman youre a bitch apologise

17. change

this made me fucking lose it bro im still losing it ive lost it. he's not okay and neither am i....bro i didnt think he'd be so....insecure but....i mean all of them seem to be so...but yeah this song is very,,,i have trust issues and im learning to love again vibes and i am crying while my wig is being ripped cruelly from my head....i choose to interpret this as less like ive been bad uwu i can change and be good now and more as ive been too afraid to care bc im so aware of the harm it can do to me but i realized its worth it so im trying now....and i think that's beautiful

18. devil in the details

hes telling thomas to Just Do It. he "made amends in the general sense" but "the devil's in the details" and he "knows the cause" and "wants to stop" but he "just can't do it". this seems kinda like more virgil angsty times for me or maybe the cause is just him being...him and just being well i cant stop being my function so...but he sees it as The Reason theres still animosity even if hes "made amends".

19. come little children

first i was like bruh its a bop but y is it here. but the lyrics are basically repeating how horrible the world is, "murdering beauty and passion", and the singer doesnt have to be killing or kidnapping the kids maybe its just a friendly fae helping some abused kids yknow you never know...basically fae!janus confirmed i know you have connections with them thomas i know you do

20. into the unknown

i like that this is short it kinda feels like hes coming to say okay im done bye after this whole musical that is his playlist. i am ashamed to say im not familiar w the plot of over the garden wall but someone said smth abt killing kids. well yknow how it is sometimes...but yeah very sexy, very fae, i will stan forever etc.

#janus sanders #deceit sanders #roceit #dukeceit #sanders sides #idk bro im losing it #i love him and his music taste #basically all the songs are hot

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dollsome-does-tumblr · 4 years ago

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Question about hypothyroidism under the cut! I’m really curious to connect with people who’ve got this condition because I’ve had it for years but I’ve never really talked about someone else about it or gotten as much information from doctors as I wish I could!

So, I’ve been on 50mcg levothyroxine for like the past six years after being diagnosed with hypothyroidism (just found out today from a more thorough doctor that it is indeed Hashimoto’s) when I had a TSH of like 16 in a blood test. [I absolutely cannot shake the suspicion that it was from going on birth control pills, since the condition kicked in about six months after that and that was the only health change I’d made and THERE’S PROOF THAT ESTROGEN EFFS WITH YOUR TSH LEVELS, but no doctors agree with me here, so I may just be Fox Mulder-ing on this one, haha.] I never actually really had traditional symptoms of it; my foremost symptom was that my thyroid gland was really swollen, and so I was medicated to get that under control (which fortunately worked!). For the past many years my TSH has lived between like .8 and .35. I’m a super diligent medicine-taker, so I hadn’t missed any doses prior to this summer. I missed one last month when I didn’t feel up to taking pills after an endoscopy, and then today I decided not to take it because I often have issues with my thyroid swelling during my placebo pill week for my BC pill, and I wanted to see if not taking a new dose would curtail that from happening as severely as it usually does.

DISCLAIMER FIRST: I know that levo has a really long half-life and therefore you don’t really notice its impact on your system until many days have passed and it’s built up in your system, but I swear, I’ve felt that it does have an immediate daily impact to some extent. (For example, I try never to take it and then not eat for longer than a half hour at most afterward, because I get SUPER jittery from it. I seem to feel better when I eat more like 15-20 minutes after taking it.)

I have noticed today that my thyroid doesn’t seem as swollen (huzzah), the sense of chest/sternum tension that I usually have lately is really relaxed, and that my heart just feels way less, like, out of control intense? I’ve been trying for like a year to get doctors to do tests on my heart function because I am really wary about damaging it from over-medication, but since my levels are all within normal range on blood tests (though in the case of my TSH, on the very low side of normal that sometimes traipses into hyper- territory), nobody has really taken me seriously. I had one EKG last year and one this year and that’s it.

Everyone seems to think it’s just anxiety, which I totally get and which it could very well be ... but being on too much thyroid med literally causes anxiety!

I get that this could totally just be me feeling a placebo effect today because I know logically that this is a very slow-moving medication, but I’m really curious about whether I have been persistently taking just a tad too much of this med for yeeeeeeeears. And also curious about how long you can keep doing that before it has longterm adverse effects.

I definitely don’t plan to just stop taking my medication, but I wonder if not taking it, like, once or twice a week might help. Obviously I will work up the social fortitude to ask a doctor about this (”What are you talking about? You’re fiiiine! Keep taking the same dose!” they’’ll inevitably say) rather than asking Tumblr, but I’m just curious about what other peoples’ experiences w/ this condition have been like, if you feel like sharing!

TL;DR - I’ve felt sure for years that I’m slightly over-medicated for this condition but I have no idea how to get a doctor to take me seriously about it since my blood tests are all normal!

And now back to your regularly scheduled fangirling!

#dollsome's deep thoughts

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ziracona · 5 years ago

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I reread your bit about rin in the last chapter and oh my god im crying. You did my girl justice. I'm so proud of her and i'm glad she had fun. I love the thought that she's helping him in little ways. ;') and oh my god. i love the myers siblings. Do you mind if I ask for hcs? because oooohhhmygod. need more

Awww thank you so much! I really liked the Adam-Rin segment too. I wanted to talk about Rin, but being an Onryo made it so I just couldn’t feasibly in the bulk of the story. Really glad I still got to give her her moment in the sun. : ) Adam’s such a great dude too, and I’m so happy he found meaning the way he did and keeps up such an active and deep relationship with someone who’s passed on. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I think it’s kind, and meaningful. And sure! I’m not sure if you mean Laurie and Mikey or Judith too since I got a few Judith asks yesterday, but ima assume this is ILM related and you’re looking for post-fic Laurie & Michael (sorry if that’s not the intended ask TuT). I did more but this is already a lot so I didn’t post them all haha. Here you go!

Laurie would be very unlikely to make the first move in a romantic relationship. She’s so used to prioritising survival, even when she’s okay again her brain is always, “keep homeostasis” as her directive, and adding a relationship does not fall under that listing. That said, she definitely still develops feelings, and would want things to happen. But I think it would be slow. I think with Laurie, she’d be going to lunches and having long talks and drinks and staying up and falling asleep on the couch together, in and out like each others’ presence belongs in their respective homes, come to each other for support and with hard days and for life advice, go to the theatre together and let them buy her a drink like they always do without being asked, brought back a nice gift from a trip, she waits up for them to get home to greet them, for like 1-3 years solid before one day they just take her hand and kind of smile and she realises she’s been in a relationship for two years and they just never said it, and maybe they won’t now, maybe not for another two years, but they know it, and she’s so happy.

Michael never cuts his hair short, but does not mind Laurie making him let her give him ponytails when they’re working on something, because it does get in his face.

Laurie softballs Michael for a while, since, well, she’s trying to help him reintegrate into society as a human being after having had a childhood that was basically just a 15 year stretch of psychological trauma, and being kind and supportive is a must. But after a few years, she’s gotten much more comfortable and sibling-ish in her interactions. She’ll definitely still be serious and supportive if anything happens and he needs it, but she’ll also give him shit for eating her food or not getting up off the bed she’s trying to make. He enjoys annoying her and does it for fun. Will hold eye contact and eat the cupcake she was saving just to watch her flip, like a cat batting an orange off a counter (or, you know, a sibling who’s feeling /that/ vibe rn.)

Laurie is 99% of Michael’s impulse control. If he and Quentin do something together without her, it /will/ be a disaster, because where Laurie inflicts neutral levels of chaos on the group w her lawful, Michael will almost instantaneously get Quentin to swap from lawful to chaos if she’s not there. They will both be fine, but there /will/ be something on fire when she gets back.

Laurie, walking into the house and seeing then throwing objects into a burning wastebasket in the living room: I don’t like what I’m seeing. Bring me up to speed.

Quentin: So, we maybe have illegally destroyed a car—but it’s okay! We had a good reason! Plus, we destroyed the evidence. Let me explain. So, this guy-

Laurie: :/

Michael: *gives her a ‘what’s your problem?’ gesture*

Michael and Laurie physically fight for nostalgia’s sake sometimes (for fun-get exasperated and performatively MMA. They would not actually injure each other).

One time, Laurie and Michael were walking home together from a movie and a guy drove by and whistled at Laurie and said something vulgar, and Michael stepped into the road and smashed the front of his car with his foot. It was beautiful. They did have to flee the scene but Laurie was /gleeful/. The dude in the car saw his gd life flash before his eyes and rethought some life choices.

It is a long time before Michael is willing to take any kind of meds for his psychosis (very understandably), but when Quentin eventually graduates Med school, six or so years later (bless u Jake for forging him some credits), he is willing to try a few given by him. It is not a good or easy couple of months, but he does it.

Michael gets along surprisingly well with the survivors. Most of them are pretty intimidated, but he’s genuinely chill, and they’ve been through weirder shit so 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s like “Welp. This might as well happen.” and accept him in. Meg is a big thot. She’s into Susie and would never cheat and Susie knows this, but Meg will still flirt like crazy with Michael bc it’s her personality, and Michael, who’s never had this ever happen, is /beyond/ confused. Every time she says something stupid like, “Damn you’re tall. If I wasn’t a married woman, I’d climb you like a jungle gym.” He gives her the exact look Sam gives Gollum when he’s dissing potatoes in lotr.

Since she knew his and his family’s whole names and his wife’s face, Laurie tracks down Sujan’s family and tells them everything she can about what happened and how good he was, and what a difference the first person in the realm who was kind to her made.

Michael really enjoys traveling. He’s been cooped up his whole life. Spent 15 years in one little white room, and then 40 in reproductions of Haddonfield in the realm. Really, except for his solo journey from Wisconsin to home, he’s never left the state of Illinois. He goes with the survivor squad on their group trips, once he’s comfortable enough, and is consistently amazed. He’s not a very visibly emotive person, and can’t physically be bc of his psychosis symptoms, but his eyes will get big seeing the northern lights from a platform, and he’ll grab Laurie or Quentin’s wrist & point to make sure they’re seeing it too, and Laurie has never been so happy. After his first trip, he very much looks forward to the annual event.

Dr. Loomis is the only thing Michael as an adult has ever feared. (Obviously all humans feel temporary fear, like if a car comes at you or someone with a gun. But past instantaneous shock-fear, I don’t think Michael has ever been afraid of anyone else). This is based off of canon, because to me Michael reads as scared of him, especially in Halloween 2. He pauses and then retreats from Loomis in the first film, and when he sees Loomis running down streets looking for him in 2, he hides (I actually really love the Michael pov in Halloween 2 in the open. It was very humanising). Then, at the end of 2, when he’s blind and Laurie and Loomis have filled the room with ether, and Loomis tells him it’s over, he stops trying to find and kill Loomis and freezes. I genuinely think because he was scared of Loomis and has been for years (after that treatment constantly in isolation as a child, how could he not be?) and has known since he was 6 Loomis wants to kill him, so when he basically says “I’m about to kill you,” he believes him and it scares him. It’s the axe that’s been waiting to drop since he was a kid.

Laurie goes to cons with Nea, Quentin, & Min occasionally, and has dressed up as all three OG Star Wars protagonists like the lovely huge nerd she is. Has also made Michael sit down and watch all the movies w her.

Michael and Laurie go visit Judith a lot. They’ll pack a picnic lunch and talk with her and about her at her grave. It was very hard the first time they went there, especially for Michael, but after a while, it helps. It’s a way to deal with what was done in the past that makes it seem surmountable. It also helps to deal with the loss of someone they both cared for. When they go, Laurie always gets Michael to tell her something about her older sister she hast heard yet. David tracks down an old high school album from 1963, and is able to get three pictures of Judith colorised and they’re able to have a nice full-color photo of her to hang up in the house.

#long post #ask #anonymous #in living memory (fic)#in living memory #ilm spoilers #spoilers #laurie strode #michael myers #dead by daylight

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a-very-fond-farewell · 5 years ago

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The forbidden crack! Untamed prompts: 15/? Kimi no Na Wa AU: “Seamless” [ok I changed stuff bc I’m well on my way to thirty and teenage love is fun and fresh until you realize you could technically be a parent yourself and then it’s all downhill from there. so the characters are adults, sorry about that] [title comes from (what I understand to be) a way of saying that goes “a goddess’s robe is seamless” which (supposedly) should mean a great plan coming together –which reminded me of fate and time and the whole underlying plot of the movie– or something perfect/the product of perfect craftsmanship. I was looking for info about weaving procedures and I stumbled across this:

From Wikipedia, under “Loom” “In Tang Dynasty, China, the goddess weaver floated down on a shaft of moonlight with her two attendants. She showed the upright court official Guo Han in his garden that a goddess's robe is seamless, for it is woven without the use of needle and thread, entirely on the loom. The phrase "a goddess's robe is seamless" passed into an idiom to express perfect workmanship. This idiom is also used to mean a perfect, comprehensive plan.”

There’s also reference to the legend of Vega and Altair, which is what the Japanese festival tanabata is based on. And my creative juices gave me a sugar high so...yeah] * No matter how isolated Gusu is known to be, preparations for the upcoming July festival attract people from all over the country. Time has relentlessly transformed what used to be a secluded and safe place for people to meditate in into a tourist location known for its cold springs and breathtaking sceneries. Yet, Lan Zhan wonders what cities and stories could possibly hide behind those mountains he has known for all his life.

Managing the temple of the goddess along with his older brother and uncle should bring him joy, but deep down he knows he’s still living beside them more out of obligation than anything else. Lan Huan himself feels trapped behind the usual mask of politeness and fake smiles, his heart still bleeding for the loss of his two precious friends in the span of five years. Their uncle Lan QiRen well may have taken them in when they were mere children, stepping in to take care of them in place of their mourning father after losing his wife... but Lan Zhan knows his brother doesn’t want to disappoint their elder in any way.

Falling in love not once, but two times in a lifetime should not be frowned upon... but Lan QiRen couldn’t stomach the idea of one of his nephews falling for a man the first time, let alone the second. Just having said goodbye to Nie MingJue when they were mere teenagers after their uncle had prohibited him from meeting with his nephew, Lan Huan thought he could have another chance at happiness with Meng Yao in his twenties... just for the other man to fall ill and move country to look after himself. Ever since, Lan Huan has stopped believing in ever being able to find happiness for himself and decided to accept his fate and manage the temple like their uncle did for most of his life.

The idea of celibacy doesn’t sit well with Lan Zhan, not for himself and certainly not for his heartbroken brother, but life outside Gusu seems so far away and unapproachable. Without them the ancient tradition of working the loom to create seamless robes would perish and most of the profits from the temple would fall dry if not for their hard work. Their mother used to be a seamstress herself, teaching them how to weave without breaking the delicate thread, setting the rhythm of their hearts with her feet moving on the pedals as they watched her work her magic day after day. Their robes are still valued for their absolute perfection, even if nowadays they’re bound to be bought not by emperors or kings, but by celebrities and politicians who just want to boast their ego in front of cameras and flashing lights. The set Lan Zhan himself has been working on will take another three months to finish and on top of that he uses his spare time to make the ribbons they sell at the local gift shop while his brother prepares the traditional talismans by hand, his calligraphy as delicate as the products of their weaving.

As the nights of the local festival approach and they practice the rituals in full traditional gear more to appease the tourists than anything else, Lan Zhan feels getting more and more tired the longer he wears the long wig and the heavy robes himself, wishing his heart could stop being so ungrateful for the life he was entrusted with. But the news of a comet quickly approaching them brings the promise of change as Lan Zhan looks up at the sky and wishes he was born in a different body. Just for once. Just to live at least once in that existence of his.

[more under the cut]

Wei Ying is in university (engineering major), living with his brother Jiang Cheng (marine biology major) in their sister’s tiny ass apartment. They keep her company while she waits for baby Jin Ling to be born, ZiXuan working day and night in the hospital fresh out of med school to get their family a bigger house. Wei Ying and Jiang Cheng moved in from the tiny Yunmeng and secretly hate the big city life, but their studies come first and they didn’t want to leave YanLi alone while pregnant. Their parents are still working in the countryside and couldn’t properly care for her, living so far away in Lanling.

Wei Ying works part time in a bar and the usual routine is so rooted in his system that he doesn’t even care anymore. Study, eat, work, sleep. Rinse and repeat. He would like to think his brother has it easier than him, but he’s even more elusive than him, studying in the library until his night shift in an art gallery as a guard. The poor guy doesn’t even sleep, let alone have a social life. Spring has just begun and YanLi still has a trimester to go, her spirits low even if she loves her child very much already. Keeping her company and helping her leading a normal life is their priority as her brothers, but sometimes Wei Ying wishes things were easier.

He doesn’t really want to become an engineer, or, at least... he used to want that. But he’s more interested in actually making stuff instead of taking a hundred calculus classes per semester. He wishes he could enjoy his studies more and maybe get a girlfriend or boyfriend to pass the time, not that he believes in romance or anything. Commitment sounds scary.

One day he wakes up and... nah, he’s still dreaming. The ceiling is wrong, he doesn’t live in an old traditional cottage with a view on... wtf is that a mountain? Fuck that he doesn’t have time to waste, he has a test today. Studied hard enough last night he fell asleep on the desk... better start getting ready.

So he goes to the bathroom and showers, too tired to even open his eyes. But the shampoo smells all wrong, what even is sandalwood? And he doesn’t like mint toothpaste. And why are his clothes a size bigger? He doesn’t even own a button down, what in the...?

Who the fuck is that in the mirror??!?

On the other hand, Lan Zhan wakes up on a desk, drool on the books, late for a test an angry stranger reminds him he has to take in half an hour at best. He is presented with a soup his body mechanically ingests out of habit as he tries to politely nod to whatever the kind woman in front of him is saying. (“You look sick, are you really okay?” / “A-Jie stop babying him” / “But I’ve never seen him so... quiet?” / “He’s probably pretending so that he can skip his test.”) But if he really has given his word for such a commitment... maybe he should just go.

Still, he doesn’t remember going to any university. That may be a problem.

His body feels different, but he never paid attention to his reflection. They don’t even own mirrors back at home anyway. He doesn’t remember his hair reaching well over his ears and under his jaw. Should he consider asking his brother to cut it for him? It feels greasy, should he fix it or?

As he tucks a strand behind his ear he realizes something is terribly wrong. From the tip of his nose to the width of his shoulders, from the clothes he put on without even thinking. The window of the shop under the apartment he’s just left shows him a stranger that he cannot recognizes for the life of his.

And now some funny stuff:

(If you are not familiar with the movie, go watch it. But if you are you should be fine with the following list so... enjoy)

Jiang Cheng loves dogs, but Wei Ying is allergic and they cannot get a puppy... so he de-stresses at a local dog café whenever he can. Wen Qing works there even if she’s a cat person and comments on how he’s secretly planning to murder her so he can get her job. They’re good friends and dated for a while before Wen Qing understood her lesbianism was stronger and Jiang Cheng’s chaotic bisexuality was leaning more on the boy section of the partner store anyway. They bitch about everything and everyone anyway.

Lan Zhan (in Wei Ying’s body) manages to arrive in university and take the test, getting perfect scores even if Wei Ying’s never got such a high mark. For the rest of the day he roams Lanling in awe, believing it’s just a very nice dream. He also discovers the existence of pet bunnies in a pet store and his life changes.

Wei Ying (in Lan Zhan’s body) is a mess. Lan Huan immediately notices something is wrong, but he hasn’t really smiled in several months and whatever is happening to WangJi is extremely entertaining to him. He sees him skipping the morning prayers right in front of Lan QiRen’s salad (so to speak) and he doesn’t seem to remember the existence of their uncle’s punishing bamboo stick.

He also clearly never used a loom in his life, but luckily Lan QiRen is too busy to notice as he welcomes tourists in the temple and explains them the history behind it. Lan Huan takes “Lan Zhan” out for a stroll and they sit down as Lan QiRen’s mellow voice explains the legend of the weaver goddess and the importance of the artisanal work they still keep practicing to this day. Transfixed, “Lan Zhan” smiles big at his brother and Lan Huan knows for sure this is not his WangJi at all.

Wen Qing finds “Wei Ying” petting bunnies in the shop where her current girlfriend MianMian works and notices how... awfully quiet he is. She thinks he bombed the math test and might be sad, but he doesn’t seem to recognize her when she waves her hand at him. She then reminds him he should be getting ready for work and he blanches at the idea. Eventually asking her “where he’s supposed to depart for” and honest to the gods Wen Qing ends up convincing herself he’s high as fuck.

Imagine “Lan Zhan” being reprimanded by Lan QiRen for -gods forbid- laughing too loud? Asking for a beer at the local tea house? Saying out loud that he craves meat when he’s vegetarian? That’s just a dream for poor Wei Ying, whatever! He’s having a great time and Lan Huan is this close to lose it when they practice the traditional rites together and “Lan Zhan” doesn’t know how to put the long wig on anymore.

Now imagine “Wei Ying” not knowing how to use a shaker at work, or how to make a martini, or the fact that he and a boy named Wen Ning are actually coworkers and not strangers. He goes back home at 3am with the feeling he has forgotten something important, but when he finally (finally) finds his apartment he falls asleep on the doorway. Too drained by the city life to even change out of his uniform.

Next day there’s no switch: Wei Ying wakes up in his body by the doorway, with Jiang Cheng coming back from his night shift and panicking hard; Lan Zhan wakes up in his bed but he’s somewhat grounded at 20 for... drinking beer?

Technical stuff now!

Lan Zhan lives in 2010 and he is 20, Wei Ying lives in 2015 and he is 20.

It’s LXC who suggest his brother to keep a diary for his dreams if they get too crazy (later on it will be revealed something shocking about LXC, but for now the journaling is just a “suggestion”)

WWX and LWJ switch every other night or so, and things change when WWX wakes up in LWJ’s body and finds the diary.

They keep in touch with diaries [bc I don’t think LWJ would have a phone like...ever, but I digress]

WWX notices the two Jades of Gusu are kept outside of their peers’ circles because other people think their family is weird: they still use courtesy names; they don’t eat meat; most of their relatives are believed to have died in celibacy without actually being monks themselves; they don’t drink alcohol and are deemed unsociable... and so on.

But it’s when he overhears people bashing LXC for “his past with several boys” and for “running away from society like his father” that WWX (in LWJ’s body) actually loses it and starts a fistfight right then and there until those losers stop muttering behind their backs.

In the meantime, ZiXuan comes back home to surprise YanLi... and LWJ is there (in WWX’s body) and the younger man almost doesn’t let him enter bc he doesn’t know who this strange man is and what does he want from Jiang Cheng’s sister?

LWJ also follows JC to his night shift one day bc he’s never seen an art gallery (but apparently WWX often trails behind his younger step brother anyway, so JC doesn’t notice anything weird... aside from how quiet the other is)

JC then takes that opportunity to ask his brother (while LWJ inhabits said body) if... if he’s depressed and needs help [“Wen Qing saw you petting bunnies too many times for you to be ‘just fine’. You can talk to me.” / “it’s fine.” / “fuck that you’re not fine. Stop lying to me.” / “it’s just a transitional time for me, it will pass” / “who taught you such big words, what the fuck”] and then JC begrudgingly tells his brother than he loves him and doesn’t want him to be sad.

The next day WWX is back in his body and finds written down: “your brother tells me he loves you and that you should take better care of yourself” and WWX clowns the fuck out of JC the following day and JC is like “noPe. You’re fucking fine. Whatever, your fucking with me. You’re always fucking with me. Stupid of me to fucking care, gods forbid.”

LWJ starts developing feeling when he learns WWX defended Lan Huan + LWJ goes every night he can to the art gallery when he doesn’t have to work at the bar and learns there’s an entire section of the gallery dedicated to Gusu + but he doesn’t want to think about home for now, avoiding the exhibit, and so he learns more about JC and starts to think he would have lots of things to talk about with LXC.

Lan QiRen takes his nephews to their annual purification trip to Burial Mounds, to a cave hidden on the mountain where it is said the goddess met with her lover for the first time in the past. They leave their offerings and change the ropes securing the entrance of the cave with sturdier ones, which they have made themselves prior that year. It is said that whoever enters the cave will be granted a wish, so it’s responsibly of the Lan family to keep everyone else out until the lover of the goddess returns to be granted the wish to reunite with her. It’s a privilege the goddess has left for him to enjoy and no mortal should dare take that from him. Only those who wear the sacred headband of the Lan family can enter without being cast out of the cave and be forced to leave by the spirits.

WWX falls in love with LWJ a bit everyday: the little gifts and notes he finds on his desk for WWX to open and read every morning; the beautiful drawings LWJ makes of the mountains; the care he put in the white robes that should adorn a deity and not common human beings.

crushed with longing for WWX, LWJ wishes to meet with him one day (the real him) and so he runs away from Gusu on train and reaches Lanling and searches for him at the university. But he’s not there. He looks everywhere for him, but doesn’t find him. Until he stumbles into YanLi and it’s almost like there’s a wall between them: shocked, LWJ recognizes YanLi even if he knows she has never actually met him in real life; but the worst thing is that... she’s not pregnant. She’s not even at home as she usually is, but going to university herself and it doesn’t even seem like she’s even in a relationship with ZiXuan yet: the two of them not even sparing a glance to one another in the university corridors.

LWJ finds his words at long last, asking YanLi if her brother Wei Ying is well. She beams at him at first, elated to see her brother actually has friends outside of the family... “but you look around my age, right? What business do you have being friends with a fifteen year old boy anyway?”

Shocked, the last thing LWJ can do before leaving her alone is to give her a ribbon he made himself, the one that represents his heart. “I just know him by chance, he... he helped my brother once. I was wondering how to repay his kindness so I made this for him. Can you give it to him?”

That evening he goes back to Gusu and he prepares for the festival knowing the comet is coming. The last thing he wishes is to forget about Wei Ying, because -having realized there’s a discrepancy in timelines and that he has interacted with someone from the future for months now- he cannot possibly justify having developed feelings for a minor.

There are no more switches and WWX is left wondering what happened.

Now the sad part:

Under the weather for what happened, WWX follows JC around a lot and he even adopts a couple of bunnies to cope. YanLi is closer and closer to the due date and gets restless, forcing her brothers to clean up the entire apartment with her until everything sparkles for the baby’s arrival. They dig out an old box with all of YanLi’s stuff from university and LWJ’s ribbon appears out of nowhere. WWX immediately recognizes it for what it is.

[“I’m sorry A-Ying, I was supposed to give you this back then, but I forgot.” / “What are you taking about... why do you have a Gusu’s ribbon with you?” / “Ah, was your acquaintance from up there? He said you helped his brother once, or something like that... and he wanted to thank you. I’m really sorry.” / “How long ago was that A-Jie?” / “Five years or so? I think?”]

To this JC startles, saying that’s awfully weird, considering what happened to Gusu exactly five years prior. To which WWX is like ?pardon? and then JC takes them to the art gallery to the traditional art section, where the exhibit on Gusu is: there, WWX finally remembers how a relatively small rock has detached itself from the comet and destroyed Gusu in 2010 on the final day of the July festival.

On a display there, the siblings find one of the few things spared by the fire: an unfinished set of robes weaved with the precious heavenly silk, which was said to be made from the stars themselves.

Wei Ying cries all of his tears, neither JC or YanLi can console him and the only thing they come up with is that -maybe- their brother felt bad for forgetting to cherish a friendship... but they don’t remember if he had reacted so badly five years ago when the news of the fire at Gusu broke.

In the middle of the night, with the ribbon secured around his wrist, Wei Ying runs away and takes a train to Gusu. There are no more direct lines and he has to hike all the way up there... just to see a lake where the town was supposed to be. The crater so big it swallowed the ground where half of the city used to be.

Desperate, he wanders the mountains without knowing where to go, until his feet take him to the secluded path Uncle QiRen took him once. He follows it, noticing the same ribbons knotted around the trees he saw the first time he walked there. He follows the path and reaches the cave.

Inside, nothing happens. The talismans are still there, but -as he imagined (*eyeroll emoji*)- there’s no actual magic preventing him from entering. So he jumps over the white ropes made of ribbons and silk and gets inside the cave of Burial Mounds. He takes shelter there from the storm outside and thinks of Lan Zhan, of how much he misses him. And then he cries thinking about him and his brother and their uncle and the entire Gusu: because none of them deserved to die. And he wishes he can rewind time and save them all.

He faints in the cave and his wish is granted.

Now for the good part!

He wakes up in LWJ’s body (in 2010), the day after the boy’s impromptu trip to Lanling, the last day of the July festival. He gets to work as soon as he goes downstairs, determination painting his (well, LWJ’s) features to the point Lan Huan notices... and he has to say something.

While they ate breakfast, out of Lan QiRen’s sight, Lan Huan sits his “brother” down and tells him something unexpected: that he used to switch bodies with not one but with two people at the same time, NMJ and JGY.

That he managed to finally meet NMJ in their teens when the older boy came to Gusu for a school trip... but he didn’t want to leave bc he had finally found LXC and didn’t want to part ways. Lan QiRen put end to the older boy’s silly antics and the two friends agreed to meet in secret, before Lan Huan put a end to the relationship for fear of displeasing his uncle. The three friends kept switching bodies until one day they stopped.

Then Meng Yao came to find him and told him he had discovered the truth of what happened: that NMJ had a car accident and lost most of his memories of their years as friends and that now was living somewhere else with the woman he fell in love with. Meng Yao himself tried to live in Gusu for a few years afterwards, regardless of his poor health, eventually deciding to not make Lan Huan worry and disappeared without a word to take care of himself (or to die far away enough so that Lan Huan didn’t have to see him at his worst).

Lan Huan said that it took him years to remember their names and that he was able to finally utter them in front of his brother only the previous year, at the last July festival. He also reveals WWX that trying to remember something so simple caused him great pain, to the point he believed he could let himself die that way, starving himself from human connection.

Impressed and sorrowful, WWX cries for him and wishes things were different for Lan Huan, who’s only 23 and yet had suffered more than anyone else. But Lan Huan is content with what he has, even if he feels guilty for being the reason Meng Yao neglected his health. Yet he’s happy for NMJ and doesn’t regret befriending them at all.

With his help, WWX alerts people in Gusu: LXC finally standing up for himself against their uncle in order to gain his respect and convince him of the emergency at hand.

On the other hand, LWJ wakes up in the cave in WWX’s body (in 2015) and doesn’t know why he’s there. Yet he knows the way out and travels back following the ribbons... but when he reaches Gusu he sees there’s only a crater filled with water and doesn’t know what to do. He knows of the time discrepancy between the two realities, but he doesn’t know what to think.

WWX realizes LWJ must be in his body somewhere on the Burial Mounds, from the top of which Gusu can be seen, but he doesn’t know if he would find his own body in the cave, since the year now is 2010 and WWX reached the cave by himself only in 2015. Yet something tells him to go and so he leaves for the mountain.

On top of the Burial Mounds, he doesn’t find anyone.

But Lan Zhan is there, on the other side of the veil between present and future.

And as the light of the sun fades away and dusk approaches, Wei Ying enters his body and Lan Zhan gets back inside his own. They meet for the first time and Wei Ying doesn’t know what to say, having never seen Lan Zhan’s body from outside and feeling suddenly very self conscious and uninteresting.

To which Lan Zhan responds with “are you legal?” / “what the fuck Lan Zhan.” / “I gave you my ribbon. did you receive it?” / “yes, my... my sister gave it to me like, yesterday.” / “yesterday as in... what year?” / “2015”

And then Lan Zhan kisses the hell out of him because nothing screams romanticism to him like a relationship between two contenting adults and Wei Ying gets blissed out of his pants for that single kiss on the spot. In between kisses Wei Ying tries to convince Lan Zhan to stop, that there’s something they should remember... or at least something they should not forget.

But Lan Zhan does not relent, hugging and holding Wei Ying, finally... finally keeping him close and never letting him go.

Until Wei Ying disappears and the only thing left of him is the white ribbon Lan Zhan has given him.

They forgot to write their names, so that they would not forget them like LXC has done for years.

And finally.....!

years have passed, it’s the beginning of 2020 [sans quarantine, thank you] and Wei Ying has graduated and is looking for a job. He doesn’t remember Lan Zhan.

Jiang Cheng has found a job close to the sea at the local aquarium and the only thing he talks about on the phone is “how useless his new intern is. a nobody late bloomer who discovered the mountain wasn’t for him and decided to study in the opposite direction, go figure. Gusu must have bored him alright. but the other day he reminded me mountains are actually ancient reefs and now I think I’m in love.” So all is well.

(Gusu did not fall and everyone was evacuated in time. Lan Zhan had descended the mountain and made sure his brother got his backup in convincing their uncle of the emergency. He doesn’t remember either, but he always keeps his ribbon on his wrist, feeling like he’s waiting for someone to get it back.)

On a snowy night they cross paths on a pedestrian bridge, but don’t recognize each other... until Wei Ying’s scent of lotus reaches Lan Zhan. But the other has already disappeared behind a corner of the ever busy Lanling and they miss each other once again.

The following day, when Wei Ying has just dropped Jin Ling at his kindergarten and is about to cross a road, he sees a familiar face on the other side of the street. Both of them are talking to the phone: Wei Ying to Jiang Cheng, who’s calling him from a toilet, panicking about his first date with the intern; and Lan Zhan with his brother Lan XiChen, who’s waiting for his date to come back from the bathroom in the restaurant they chose to meet at.

As they walk towards each other they sense something, but don’t stop. Until they have now reached their respective sides of the road and realize what just happened. They turn around, but there are too many cars in between them.

They look for a way to meet and run towards a pedestrian bridge right above the road. They make the steps two at a time until they’re out of breath on top and stare at each other after so long. Wei Ying has lived for five years feeling like half of him was missing, but Lan Zhan had spent twice as long waiting for something to change in his life.

(“I’m still legal, you know?” / “That’s the first thing you decide to tell me after ten years? Really?” / “you thought it was romantic last time” / “what’s that supposed to mean?” / “that you should kiss me right the fuck now, you big oaf.”)

They meet in the middle of the bridge and kiss.

Then, Lan Zhan tilts his head and ask “what was you name again?”, clearly amused, and waits until Wei Ying’s laughter resonates all around.

The fucking end.

Now I need a break.

#mdzs #the untamed #mo dao zu shi #wangxian #cql #the forbidden crack! untamed prompts #mdzs/au: manga/anime inspired #mdzs/au: kimi no na wa

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