#texted asking if she can come again
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This landlord is so good at inflicting psychological torture upon me
#she’s had me believe that she may pop in randomly any day for the past two weeks#yesterday she said she’d come then she said today instead and today she said she was coming then she was no longer coming and now she’s#texted asking if she can come again#i said yes because I just want this OVER WITH but now I’m just sitting on the sofa listening for cars unable to focus on anything else#we love the fear of homelessness during a housing crisis
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rotating something in my mind about shtola having matoya as a mentor and then growing to see her as a mother figure vs erenville and cahciua distancing themselves by referring to each other as mentor/pupil
#will anything come from this idk#but i had the realization yesterday and now im here#but it’s just interesting to me! i don’t think matoya was a perfect parent (who is) and you can see the ways#that her more negative traits have affected shtola but you can also see shtola had a pretty good childhood (just look in matoya’s relict)#and she values her to the point she takes her name in shb#vs cahciua who is so open and warm but when erenville is asked if he is ‘cahciua’s boy’#he answers that’s his mentor#and when he has a response she doesn’t like she immediately switches to ‘as my pupil’#something else to consider i think is how much of that is cahciua’s actual personality…like how truthful of a recreation of other people’s#memories of her can you get…but erenville doesn’t react like any of it is out of the ordinary behavior for her#he in fact reacts the opposite way at the end lol ‘you’re doing it again!’ or whatever it is he says#i need a text post tag#dawntrail spoilers#okay sorry something else i want to know about is shtola’s bio parents and how she feels about them and why they sent a 7 year old to live#in a cave. sometimes i want to give shtola emotions about that but i haven’t quite settled on what i think
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Does your f/o like the strip club yes or no?
#im thinking about that fatgum again#tw for implied violence#he texts you to meet up and you dont respond-- not for a full week#he crawls back to the strip club where he met you and suddenlu cant bring himself to look at the stage anymore#it feels like cheating-- even though he isnt daring you#one of the girls comes up and tries to fliet#but he asks for you.#asks if you're okay#the girl flicks her lil mouse ears and tells him tmoff a bit at first-- men can become creepy. shes not giving out personal info#but she softens when he says his name#'aw tai... she likes you a lot hon.'#she givrs only the vaguest details. something happened at work. you'll be okay eventually.#and she ahrees to pass on the fact he was here#for you
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goodnight, im sorry but im a bad mood right after i got that comment today ngl
#cupid.exe#thanks guys really cool#they have a right to complain about double stantards idc but hello.#then again the school and teachers also dont have a good track record w how they mishandle neurodiverent kids ngl#had a teacher come up to me and when i asked if i can go#and shes liek noooo look both ways wait untill ur class comes it might not be safe#meanwhile my stop was litterly outside the building and it takes me 10 minutes to get to my house like ok#very surreal expirience why text me asking if you should come if ur not gonna read my answer anyway
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Y'all-
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#So...#I ordered a chicken sandwich. but it comes with pickles and i dont really like pickles on a sandwich#so i said no pickles#but then i peaked at the menu again and thought ''well maybe i can replace the pickles with something else?''#so i asked for a few more shreds of lettuce as replacement#and they fuckin CLOWNED ON ME THE WHOLE TIME LMAO#the guy showed me the ticket and i lost it#they were like ''so you want like a whole head of lettuc in the sandwich or?''#i was dying laughing#another customer played along like ''you better give her ALL the lettuce she wants her money's worth''#i was like ''yeah im gonna open it up and COUNT THE LEAVES god dammit--''#they called my order out ''number 6 lettuce sandwich with chicken'' 😭#anya rambles#story time#food#restaurant#food industry#lmao#sandwich#alt text#id in alt text#image description in alt#described
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Hi again. I'm on some level here to ask for a complete explanation of every aspect of Hawaiian culture that is even tangentially related to your latest fic because I know absolutely nothing and there is the ever present concern that the terms run through cursory Google Translate and internet searching will lose nuance and implications. There were definitely some references to divinities and myths and such that went over my unenlightened head. The story you wove was rich and intricate enough to be held in the mind of someone who knows less than nothing and still have great meaning and truth, but I know that it will mean yet more if I can see the threads you used to make it. (On another level, I'm asking for the explanation because I am abruptly deeply interested in a topic I had previously not thought about very much, and you seem to be significantly more of an expert than the average internet search.)
first off! well first off i am blowing you so many kisses for this very kind ask, thank you so much for giving me an excuse to ramble at (great, great, great) length.
so second off! i would just like to stress that i am very much not an expert in hawaiian language, folklore, history, culture, etc. i am neither kānaka maoli (native hawaiian) nor kamaʻāina (born in hawaiʻi although not necessarily of hawaiian ancestry), and i have not studied these topics formally/in a setting that applies academic rigor. i am an enthusiastic amateur with a personal connection to hawaiian culture, the kind of brain that likes to fixate on areas of interest, and a willingness to scrounge around for reading material. i have, i think, a decent sense of what some of the baseline texts in the field are, and a fairly good bullshit detector (and the understanding/ability to dig into things when i can't rely on the bullshit detector), but ultimately i am a layman and an outsider with corresponding perspectives and biases. i also, i will admit frankly, have a pretty sharp knowledge cutoff corresponding to the time of first european contact, just because of my own personal interests and reading preferences.
read that whole disclaimer? let your eyes glaze over while you skimmed it? good! here's my real quick (lmao) rundown of Sum Things U Should Know If You Wanna Close-Read Kīpuka:
ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi 101
Good grief when I put it like that I do NOT feel qualified to tell you any of this. Anyway. We can keep it basic just so you can get a sense of the mouthfeel of the words. And just fyi ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi is the proper name of the language; i'll be using "Hawaiian" as the adjective form, sans ʻokina, assuming an English-speaking readership.
ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi as it is commonly rendered today has 13 letters: 5 vowels (A, E, I, O, and U) and 7 consonants (H, K, L, M, N, P, W), plus the ʻokina or glottal stop (that little apostrophe-lookin' dude at the beginning of the word ʻokina, also the source of most of my typesetting woes). Pronunciation-wise, there are no silent letters and no though/through/enough-type surprises: every letter is pronounced, and all of the vowel renderings are approximately equivalent to how you'd pronounce them in Spanish or Italian. Hence, the word kuahine = koo-ah-HEE-nay rather than, like, kyoo-ah-highn, which made me feel gross even just typing it out.
The ʻokina is pronounced, and bear with me here, like the dash in the english nuh-uh. or, if you're a try-hard vocalist—reattack the vowel after the ʻokina instead of eliding it to the vowel prior. So the place-name Kaʻū is pronounced ka-OO, as distinct from the word kau which is pronounced more like kow (which is a bit of an oversimplification of the latter word, but I'm trying to be efficient here).
That leads us neatly into the other diacritical marking used in ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi, the kahakō or macron which helpfully appears in its own name. No worries here; the kahakō just serves as a stress marker, so you'd say kahakō = ka-ha-KO instead of ka-HA-ko, or from the example above ka-OO rather than KA-oo.
There are a couple of other little pronunciation tricks here and there. The letter W is sometimes pronounced as a V, and unfortunately I can't really describe the rules for that shift; that is one I must admit I know mostly from vibes. For example, the correct pronunciation of Hawaiʻi itself is ha-VAI-ee, but I've never heard the place-name Waimea pronounced as anything but why-MEY-ah.
Occasionally you will encounter the letter K pronounced as a T, which I believe is an artifact of the morphological shift from older related languages such as Tahitian and Samoan which do preserve the letter T as a unique phoneme. To my knowledge, the Kauaʻi dialect (spoken today on Niʻihau) also preserves the T, but most spoken ʻŌlelo Hawaiʻi heard elsewhere is based on the Big Island dialect, which lacks the T. One notable exception is the word tūtū (an affectionate/respectful term for a grandparent or elder), which you really don't hear pronounced as kūkū.
Really, though, listening to Hawaiian music is how I got the language in my ear and imo it's the best way to get it in yours. Can't go wrong with Israel Kamakawiwoʻole (of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" fame), but I have a personal soft spot for Kealiʻi Reichel, Weldon Kekauoha, Amy Hanaialiʻi, and the Cazimero Brothers.
The Place-y-ness of Hawaiian Literature
This is more of a sidenote than its own heading, but I'm the one driving the essay, and I think it's an interesting thing to point out, just because it helps establish a particular perspective I wanted to keep in mind while writing this fic.
Something you might notice as you start to look at Hawaiian oli, mele, and myth is the high level of specificity of place. Hawaiʻi is, let's be honest, not that enormous of a place when you consider it on a global scale—but the specificity of localities within Hawaiian literature is kind of astounding. Not only are there loads of place-names referenced in any given work, there are unique Hawaiian names for landmarks, cliffs, peaks, hills, streams, waterfalls—even rains and winds of specific locations merit their own names.
"kīpuka" is very specifically set on the windward side of Hawaiʻi island, so I made an effort to focus my references to place-names on that region—Hilo, ʻŌlaʻa, and Waiākea are all locations on the eastern side of the island, and the one reference to Kona on the leeward side reflects the coming of someone bearing grievances (in addition to eia aʻe ka makani Kona being an existing idiom warning the listener to watch out for an angry person, the windward and leeward sides of Hawaiʻi island have a long history of territorial warfare and jockeying for control of the island). I'd also considered having the bird discussed in the fic be a different species, the kākāwahie—but that species is/was endemic to Molokaʻi, and quite honestly my knowledge of the history and culture of Molokaʻi as a separate polity is not that great.
(This is partly due to sample bias—my introduction to Hawaiʻi was within a Big Island-based context. At the same time, another thing you may notice about the better-known source texts is that many of them center around Hawaiʻi island and, to a lesser extent, Maui, thanks to the political supremacy during the unification/post-contact era of Hawaiʻi island and Maui aliʻi. Ross Cordy wrote a whole ass book about the Oʻahu chiefdoms that is simply not to be had for love or money no matter how I search for it. I am THIS CLOSE to straight up cold emailing the man and being like I WILL VENMO YOU $75 USD DIRECTLY IF YOU WILL SIMPLY JUST SEND ME A COPY OF YOUR BOOK. PLEASE. SAVE ME ROSS CORDY.)
Girl (Gender Neutral), I Cannot Explain Hawaiian Mythology, Poetics, and Mythopoetics As a Subheading in One Post
Honestly. I can't do it. But some tidbits to assist your further research:
A great deal of Hawaiian literature and oral tradition hinges on kaona, roughly "allusion" or "metaphor." In a description that is useful to precisely no one but myself, it's not unlike the complex plays on words, puns, and deep well of references used in Heian Japanese epistolary poetry. Some of it is easy to grok for newbies: for example, the concept of one's lover as a lei adorning the body, or being splashed or sprinkled with water as a euphemism for sex. Some of it goes a lot deeper, relying on historical or folkloric place-name associations, puns, and ancient practices and superstitions.
The Hawaiian "pantheon" I place in scare quotes because ancient Hawaiian religious practices and superstition were highly syncretic, often extremely localized, and more contradictory the more you read into it. In a very, very, very, VERY rough and off-the-cuff sense, though, there were thought to be four major gods: Kāne (associated with dawn, the sun, the sky, running freshwater, and irrigation-based agriculture, among other things), Kanaloa (associated with the ocean, sea creatures, and sometimes death, as an opposing or complimentary force to Kāne), Lono (god of fertility, agriculture with something of an emphasis on dryland agriculture, rainfall, and peace as embodied in the Makahiki festival), and Kū (god of war, the deified kingship, fishermen, sorcery, and quite honestly a ton of other things in various manifestations).
There were also quite a large number of "lesser" gods, the word "lesser" used just in the sense that they weren't honored to the same extent as the four previously named in state-sanctioned religious practice. Probably the most well-known of these is Pele, the volcano goddess. (I reference another in the fic, Niolopua, god of sleep—but the jury's out on whether or not that refers to an actual god or is just metaphorical in the same way that most people think of "the Sandman" as a euphemism for sleep and not a literal guy who comes into your house and puts crusties in your eyes.)
The gods were thought to manifest in a variety of forms, called kino lau (literally "four hundred bodies"). You can think of this in the sense of "Lono takes on the shape of an albatross or a tropicbird to interact with mortals, while Kanaloa prefers to manifest as an octopus," and in stories kino lau are sometimes represented that way, but in practice it's less of a Greek myth-style practice of shapeshifting and more of an animistic religious belief. The kino lau in nature embody the god and in a metaphorical sense illustrate the interconnection between divine and earthly and the presence of the divine on earth.
(HUGE OVERSIMPLIFICATION. HUGE OVERSIMPLIFICATION. PLEASE DO MORE RESEARCH AND DO NOT TAKE ONE TUMBLR POST AT ITS WORD ON THIS.)
The Endless, in the fic, are very easy to loop into the concept of kino lau, because of their canonical universality. Danny appears as a shark (a symbol of chiefhood), a pueo, or Hawaiian owl (an 'aumakua, or ancestral guardian), a manu-o-Kū, or fairy tern (a bird associated with the god Kū, likely in his aspect as a god of fishermen, navigators, and wayfinders), a kalo plant (a staple crop of ancient Hawaiʻi, a kino lau of Kāne, and a symbol of duality and rebirth), and a snowcapped mountain (a sacred site considered kapu, or forbidden, to all but the highest chiefly individuals). Despair, meanwhile, appears as an ʻalae ʻula, or Hawaiian moorhen (another ʻaumakua, but also an animal whose cry was thought to foretell misfortune), a stingray (for her barbed tail), a hāpuʻu fern (in contrast to Dream's kalo, the hāpuʻu was considered a famine food), a lava flow and its first growths (acknowledging Pele as both a destroyer and a creator of land, just as Despair also embodies hope), and a number of other things meant to embody the devastation of Hawaiʻi (rats, feral pigs, and mosquitoes have decimated endemic birds and insects; the kiawe is an invasive plant species that forms dense, thorny, and difficult-to-destroy groves; light pollution affects behavior and migratory patterns of both avian and aquatic species).
All pretty simple, obviously!
Further Resources and Recs
Okay, so, obviously I'm not going to be able to explain every single reference in this fic in a single post, though I obviously tried my damnedest. In lieu of that, I'll offer some useful resources for further reading:
Stephen Trussel's Combined Hawaiian Dictionary is a fantastic resource for vocab that incorporates several major Hawaiian dictionaries in a straightforward (well, as straightforward as this gets) text-based web page. Ulukau also has a searchable interface, which is a little easier to interact with, but I like having the Trussel for reference.
Huapala is everyone's go-to for translations of Hawaiian lyrics. I've linked to it in the endnotes of the fic for readers interested in more on "Ka Ipo Lei Manu," but it's got nearly any ʻauana-style Hawaiian song you please, and if I recall correctly even a few traditional oli. Again, another slightly old-fashioned text-based site—but we all know how to use CMD + F in a page, do we not?
Native Books is awesome if you, like me, prefer reading things in print but would prefer not to feed your dollars into the maw of the Amazon beast. A lot of the lit on Hawaiʻi was printed either a long time ago or in very small releases and is now out-of-print and difficult to find even in libraries, so it rocks that there's an independent bookseller that specializes in getting those works to an audience in hard copy. @ NATIVE BOOKS PLEASE CONSIDER GETTING ROSS CORDY TO RE-PRINT THE RISE AND FALL OF THE OʻAHU KINGDOM THANK YOU SO MUCH. University of Hawaiʻi Press is also a good source for academic texts, although their website is...mm...difficult to navigate, and do be warned that they charge academic press prices.
In terms of who to read, you really can't go wrong with Mary Kawena Pukui, a Native Hawaiian scholar, author, composer, and educator whose work is the backbone of just, a fuckton of writing about Hawaiʻi, both academic and popular. Her book ʻŌlelo Noʻeau: Hawaiian Proverbs and Poetical Sayings is worth at least a skim just to get the feel of the Hawaiian mindset; it also contains a healthy dose of myth, folklore, and history in the explanations of the sayings. Absolutely adorably, I've found two books she edited that I read the absolute FUCK out of as a child available as PDFs through Ulukau: The Water of Kāne and Other Legends of the Hawaiian Islands and Hawaiʻi Island Legends: Pīkoi, Pele, and Others. Definitely worth a quick read if you want more on the myth side of things.
As a non-specialist, I've really enjoyed Patrick Vinton Kirch's writing on precontact Hawaiʻi. For a field archaeologist, his writing is both highly engaging and very respectful of the peoples he studies, and trust me, I do get my back up easily when it comes to white people writing about Other Cultures TM, so I'd posit it means something that he passes my sniff test. A Shark Going Inland is My Chief is a great overview of the history of the Hawaiian chiefdoms from the first settlement of the islands to immediately precontact, and Kuaʻāina Kahiko offers a bit of a closer look at everyday life in a specific locality in the islands (in this case, Kahikinui, Maui).
Kamehameha and His Warrior Kekūhaupiʻo by Stephen Desha (trans. Frances N. Frazier) began its life as a serialized Hawaiian-language history of the rise of Kamehameha I. It's a dense read, and it WILL test your ability to remember who the hell all these people are to its limit—it mostly discusses the lives and times of the major players of the aliʻi class in the late precontact–early postcontact era, and when you remember that a) a hell of a lot of personal names in this tale begin with the letter K and b) the aliʻi class of Hawaiʻi practiced a mindboggling amount of political marriage, consanguineous marriage, and sanctioned adoption between blood relatives, the family trees get real complicated REAL fast. If you can hang on through all that, though, it's an intensely detailed and very vivid portrait of a culture at a tumultuous moment, it gives a great sense of how the Hawaiians viewed themselves and the world, and it's an interesting exercise in the mythologizing of the Kamehameha dynasty.
Okay, So...?
So...if you hung on through all that, god DAMN are you dedicated. Have what is quite possibly my favorite Hawaiian song for your trouble. It is, funnily enough, about a bird.
EDIT: I am retroactively making this post unrebloggable. I'm really, really glad folks have found it interesting and are looking into the resources I shared, but I absolutely do not want this getting passed around as Hawaiian Culture 101. If you want to learn more about Hawaiʻi, I must stress that you should look to a reputable source and not some schmuck on Tumblr rambling about her effortposting fanned fiction.
#chatter#this is why we don't tell swan ''make your own post about it.'' because then she does. this#i must stay confined to the tags field lest i become drunk with power and challenge god.#i have a handful of other text sources that i can rec but they all come with caveats for one reason or another#and i'm going to be so incredibly embarrassed if i hit some kind of post length limit with this thang. so uh. send another ask i guess#AGAIN. I'M NOT AN EXPERT OR AUTHORITY OF ANY KIND. IF I WAKE UP TOMORROW WITH PEOPLE IN MY INBOX#DEMANDING TO KNOW WHO MY KUMU IS I'M GONNA BE REAL PISSED AT Y'ALL FOR RATTING ME OUT. SO BE COOL PLEASE
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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look, my dad is not a perfect man and he's not faultless in how disfunctional my parent's marriage is but at the same time I've been watching my mom bully him my whole life and now that my man-hating oma is living there with them it's even worse because now they tag team to make him miserable and it makes me so fucking angry
#text post#don't reblog#my mom had to borrow our car to take her dad to an appointment bc he can't get in any of the other vehicles#so she came over to drop it off and then walked next door to my aunt's house so they could go to a concert#and my mom's sitting in my kitchen on the phone with my dad informing him that once again my oma hired someone#to come do major work at the house (this time trimming all the trees) and he's not allowed to get mad#and my dad is just quit on the other line and then asks 'they're not doing anything to the apple tree right?'#bc genuinely i know my dad is upset they're springing shit on him without asking for his input again#but i also know the thing that would send him over the edge is the apple tree bc he loves that thing#and my mom just starts SCREAMING at him on the phone and then hangs up before he can respond#and then she starts yelling about him to me#and I'm sitting here like 'why the FUCK do you and oma keep doing this shit to him?'#i would never fucking do that to my partner#and now my dad's gonna go home and he's not gonna have anything to do and he's gonna feel like shit all night alone
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WILL MY FLATMATE FUCKING STOP PUTTING WASHING ON BEFORE 7AM ON A SATURDAY
#im at my fucking limit. good for u girl being up and at it at 6 on a weekend but I wanted to fucking SLEEP IN.#i tried to fall back asleep but its kept waking me back up. and now my sleep has been disturbed im gonna be cranky all day#im not like her i cant sleep whenever nap whenever this is the only time of day i can get some rest. come on man#she woke me up yesterday morning too which rly pissed me off bc i get up at 6:30 for work on weekdays#so waking me up BEFORE THEN when she doesnt even have to go to work for like. another HOUR LATER THAN I DO!!!! pisstake#the fact i didnt sleep well was WHY i had a migraine at work and WHY i had to cancel on her fucking movie night#man i just wanted to sleep thru until 8am. its not even that much to ask please#at least she wont do this the next couple days bc she would never disturb the beauty sleep of our other friend lmao#ill text her and ask her not to do this again. just so annoying bc it sets the tone for the whole day#whatever#.diaries
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i’m fr gonna lose my mind :)
#been a minute since i’ve ranted in the tags on here hi hello#so i have this friend who is driving me absolutely insane#we’ve been friends for about a year or so and when we first met we clicked right away and got super close and hung out all the time#we met at work but neither of us works there anymore and it feels like our whole friendship is falling apart now that we don’t#i literally have not seen her in person once since the last time we worked together (march)#and even before that we didn’t hang out outside of work since december of last year#and i have grown very used to having friends that just do not put the same amount of effort as me into our friendships and it’s sucks#so i was starting to make my peace with the fact that we just weren’t really friends anymore#but then a few months ago she started texting me asking me to hang out all the time and she seemed way more like her old self#and immediately i got sucked back in and was all excited to see her again and have her back in my life fully#but she completely flaked on me three times in a row (not even cancelling our plans but waiting until the next day to give me an excuse)#which like i said i’m unfortunately used to but she literally was the one who invited ME to hang out every time#like why are you initiating plans with me and then ignoring my calls and texts when it comes time to actually hang out#then a few weeks ago she texted me again saying we should go to a concert together bc we hadn’t in a long time#and there happens to be a concert i’ve been wanting to go to on the 31st but had no one to go with#she said she was totally in and really excited and i bought the tickets a couple days later and texted her to tell her i had#got zero response for almost a week and then she texted me yesterday saying we should hang out this week#so i said yeah let’s do it but also this concert is literally in 2 days are you still coming with me#and no response! again! so now i have 2 days to try and find someone else who can go last minute bc it seems unlikely that she will#and i’m just so fucking confused bc why do YOU keep reaching out to ME just to flake out at the last minute every single time#like at this point it feels like she’s doing it on purpose just to see if i’ll keep tolerating her bullshit#and part of me wants to just cut her off bc she’s been a terrible friend to me for months at this point#but i can’t bring myself to do it bc i miss her so much anyway and when our friendship was good it was really fucking good#like i considered this girl one of my best friends and now it feels like she’s just playing games with me bc she’s bored#which sucks extra bc last year she was there for me when literally none of my long time friends were#like it’s bad enough that it seems like our friendship was conditional on us being coworkers#but it hurts more and more every time she reappears in my life just to ghost me again like genuinely why would you do that#so i’m really upset and pissed off rn and i have no idea wtf to do about the concert bc idk anyone else who likes the artist enough to go#vent#lj.txt
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I say this with no malice btw but reading old ask from this blog always makes me wonder if all those people who called me autistic were right
#ok there arent THAT many ppl who have called me autistic. excluding my parents its not even 5#but reading the things i myself have said makes me think like... yeah ok credit where credit is due#you got me there#im not autistic btw but i sure do sound like that in like every one of those ask games 😒#'i need someone who means what they say': girl after being pissed off that their gf didnt want them to LITERALLY come over right this second#just bc she sent a 'i wish u were here :( i miss u' text#ok to be fair i still think it was cunty of her to not see the romantic gesture of me coming over#so actually fuck her. im not autistic and i react normally to things#relationships are hard at 17 what can i say :'(#i only hope to find someone again whom i may stupidly misread their sappy text. get on a bus for. only to ultimately turn back. embarrassed#i wish for a love worthy of my embarrassment! godbless#!
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you're fucking kidding me.
#🔪.text#she's still here#or she came back at some point#but i'm pretty sure she just never actually left and just stayed over#at this rate i'm tempted to just message my friend and ask if i can just go home#if she's going to be here what's even the point of me being here#she can fucking take care of the cats#as it is i'm probably not doing as much as i should be because i don't fucking want to be around people#and somehow i get the feeling she's going to pull that bullshit again and i can't fucking do this#she either needs to get the fuck out and not fucking come back#or i'm leaving
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im probably the second most annoying supervisor in the district rn but im so small and nice what r they going to do abt it
#i love to text my managers like hi <3 can i change my availability again to smth rlly weird <3#i submitted this bizarre series of very specific time off requests did u see it <3#next time i come in will you show me all the little numbers u can see in the computer with ur store manager login i want to see them <3#i also really want to see all the other stores and store managers im like banging down their doors#let me into your store let me into your store let me into y#something i would love love love to do is spend each week at a different store until I've seen them all#this would be largely infeasible and i would need our district/ops manager to set it up for me. but would be cool#i did ask my manager tho if i could guest star as a closer for a week bc im an opener and idk what happens in the store after like 11 am#i was a closer at my old store for a long time but this new store is bonkers bananas who knows what their closes look like#oh yeah the first most annoying supervisor in the district tho is this other person that works at my store shes literally so bad.
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last night everyone was having traumas back to back and I wish none of it happened but it feels nice to be the first person they call
#at least your birthday was technically over#and poor kay#feel so sad for her#life mang#I wanna not be at my busy ugly job today#at least I ate my weight in mini blueberry pancakes today#didn’t sleep enough and have lots of anxiety today#listened to noah kahan on break because his voice soothes my brain#my poor niece man#the text she just sent depressed me so bad#I'm too sensitive to other peoples pain like whyyyy do I feel it too#it's also her tho and never want her to be heartbroken#maybe it'll be best in the long run though idk anymore#itll work out how it's suppose to but also idk if u can come back from that#asking and hearing that response l'd be done for sure#but it sucks and I wanna protect her from stuff like this#shes strong and she'll be okay with or without him#she just doesn't know that right now and is being delulu about it because she loves him#let’s see what happens this time#could just be smoothed over again but I’ll definitely see him differently now#and worry about this happening every few months because she deserves more#sucks cus he’s a really good kid and takes care of her but obviously needs to work through things alone rn and grow#just want her to be happy and feel emotionally safe especially with all the abandonment issues she’s gotta have hurts me#poor kid it sucks#she’ll be okay though
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watching this insane video on tiktok and the comments somehow make it more insane
#this girl parked in a target parking lot is asked to step outside of the vehicle by cops#because there were reports of her swerving and stumbling#the cops ask her all these questions about substances and she denies it over and over again clearly very anxious and unsure what to do#the cops then after she is adamant that she was not drinking say 'oh see now we have a problem because i saw a bottle of vodka in your door'#and there very much is not it is literally a monster can but she's freaked out and knows there's not so when the cops use tricky language#she says yes to the cop checking for that bottle shocker it's not there (but she has now given them access to search her vehicle)#and the fucking cop comes back and says oh you got rid of it because i know it was there and she's even more confused and the cop is like#'i have it all here on video' (they do not because it doesn't exist!!!!) 'therefore im gonna have to search the rest of your car'#the girl does have a marajjana pipe in there which she's scared she'll get in trouble for but is now even more confused and saying you need#a warrant you can't do this this is an unlawful search and the cop literally says 'i think i know the law sweetie'#and the comments are in insane because everyone is like 'ah! i believed her in the first part this girl is so stupid ect'#and fail to see that this was an intentional abuse of power and tricky word play of cops and there's NO EVIDENCE that she was lying#she is simply trying to stand up to these cops who are trying to use a jumble of words to confuse her and search her property#these commenters should be angry at the cops and yet!! like it's so plain and simple it's actually quite sad#it's acab until you think you're morally superior to the supposed criminal#eris: text
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Apparently my sister, the one I no longer speak to because calling the cops on me and trying to have me charged for sending 4 texts because she didn't like the contents while never calling the cops on the boyfriend that beat her kid is disgusting, asked how I was to someone I haven't even met because they know someone I do then immediately followed that up with "we don't talk." So 1- don't tell everyone and their dog my fucking business it's not their problem and 2, if we don't talk then that should tell you how much I want you to know about how I'm doing- zilch!
#winters ramblings#i dont get her. if you gave a damn about me you wouldnt have lost your mind defending a MAN over your WHOLE FAMILY#despite that man being a disgusting waste of space you werent even with 2 months later!!#and if youre willing to throw your whole family out over some idiot guy eventually YOU didnt even choose#then why woukd i DEBASE myself with your bullshit youve never once apologized for!#because frankly id like ab apology for spending TWELVE YEARS braggibg about how trying to kill me as a newborn was hilarious#and id ALSO like an apology for LOSING SOME OF MY DEAD FATHERS ASHES and that doesnt even GET to the shit#she pulled at Christmas last year. hell thats not even all the apologies she owes to ME let alone her oldest daughter#who i said in thise 4 texts she tried to have me CHARGED about she held to a WAY higher standard of behaviour than any GROWN MAN she fucks#that kid is owed a BILLION apologies and itll still never be enough!! and then she can apologize again to me for being pissed off#that i was right wgen i read her fir fucking fifth and dragged her ass through the mud and sge was only mad BECAUSE i was right#i dint say mean shit for the sake of it like her. if i say mean shit its mean because its true abd i say it because you deserve to hear it#dish cruetly out dint get pissed off wgen it comes back exceot its actually TRUE shit when i say it not nasty made up shit#said just to be hurtful and cruel. which i ALSO told her was unacceptable and that 0 people need to put up with that#shes a griwn adukt who can either take responsibility for herself or fuck off abd since she's NEVER ONCE done option 1#theb option 2 it is. i waited basically all 30 years of my fucking life for her to grow up and she never will so good riddance#dont ask people about me like YOU didnt destroy our relationship over and over and over again
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