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#and then i get ignored and abandoned and i literally cant do it anymore 🥲
pears-trinkets
·
3 months
Text
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#every time i ask for help it ends up worse than it was
#when i ask my mom she accuses me of not wanting help and not knowing what i want and how its my fault i dont want to be better
#im always accused of not wanting help and not doing anything as if im not always researching and calling doctors and social workers
#but thats my mom shes crazy and manipulative
#but then when i take friends by their word that i can always talk to them and open up and say that i need them
#i get ghosted???? 🥲
#like its kinda funny at this point
#and i know its a common autistic thing that people think that we dont mean what we say and play down our emotions
#and that freeze and fawn trauma responses change how we show distress and sometimes makes us not show it appropriately
#but every time i said
#hey im feeling really bad i need you
#to someone
#they answer way too late and go like haha oops oh well!!!! sorry so busy!!!
#as if my request had a time limit and now it didnt matter anymore
#or they literally stop answering me for months
#i texted my mental hospital friend in november for her birthday and she answered in january and i told her im in distress
#and i havent heard from her since
#every time i need someone their own life comes in the way which is fine and natural but
#i really get the feeling i only matter to people
#when im there for them and to help them or when im fun to be around
#everyone says hey its okay and important to ask for help
#people who care want you to ask for help
#and i remind myself of that and try to work on my abandonment issues and all the self isolating
#and then i get ignored and abandoned and i literally cant do it anymore 🥲
#i know its unfair to think my friends should know that im having a stressful time so they should know better and check on me
#so i dont do that and i communicate
#but it doesnt do anything!!!!! literally nothing!!!
#i think its even making it worse because they think theyve let me down so much i wont ask again and theyre off the hook
#what else can i do????? like genuinely im so confused
#and because i get hung up on those things i get borderline diagnosis that are wrong because i obsessively try to be fair and not too clingy
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