#so i cant even really make myself feel better by telling myself its a head start

[0bsc3ne]

i feel so isolated. not necessarily socially, but just... connection-wise, i guess? particularly in real life. i really don't have anyone i could consider a "peer" because my life is just so... idk. non-conventional? affected by the biological hazard cocktail of fucky chemicals in my brain? my highschool friends have all gone off to college and are out of town and. y'know. doing college shit. my professional "peers" career-wise are all well into their late 20s and older. mostly far older. i don't have any family members or really any friends my age in general. and it just feels so isolating. and it just kinda sucks seeing my old highschool friends doing irresponsible young adult shit knowing i can't bc almost my entire social circle consists of people who qualify for senior discounts and i just. can't disappoint them bc my income fundamentally depends on them thinking i'm a Responsible Individual. but then i see my professional "peers" doing stuff that i fundamentally can't do because i'm not old enough to be taken seriously enough for and/or not old enough to have the experience for. and i just feel so out of place. constantly. and it's just isolating. but i guess that's just the autism talking

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[strab3rr]

(long story and no short sorry) GUYSSS I DID ITT

I INDUCED IT!!!!! I WAS PURE AS A FUCKING BABY

IDK WHAT TO SAY (ok enough w capslock)

i have so much to say and not a thing at da same time idk how

anyway i want to begin with thanking you @b4ddprincess bc youre the reason i realized why i started this thing. thank you for making my life better and make me realized what i need to do: nothing. (its same for you guys, all u have to do is nothing)

two fuckn years ago i said to myself that i need a better life, quiter life, less fight with everthing bc everything was so loud and not clear i was feeling lost like a child in the market, and i wanted to make things better for myself in every way, but the main idea of my reasons to wanting to get in the void was: making anxiety go and having better people in my life. but the ''voidlist'' just never stopped bc im kinda greedy(having the idea of controling on your life, the idea of that power makes you greedy. yes thats a thing) anyway the more i add to the list the more i feel like im movin away from my desires then i feel depressed bc ive overcomplicating it bc theres so many things to do but i dont do anything so nothing happend bc i was waiting to be someth happen. and then i started doing awkwardly silly things such as: void routines and challenges and (im embarrassed of this one bc i was too desperate) drinking water

youve read it correct drinking water.

i was sooo desperate for having those things id do anything to get them.

i am simple. i want what everyone wants🎀🎀🎀: shifting realities bc i have so many crush and i need them to be crush me in bed(for 2020 girlies)

being an academic weapon is so easy for me🎀(bc of the urge to make my family proud) +dream collage

being the girl that everyone gets along w(basic needs)

being the girl who is pretty not cute(trauma response)

glowing aura(cats loves people w glowing aura yes thats a thing too)

dream body n hair(bc i deserve this🎀)

healthy (girlyfriend)friends(basic needs)

and of course him, my sp(i cant tell wich one at that time but i releived that its not him now, bc MY BELOVED CURRENT BF. guyss he is the one. dont u dare ask me how you know? i literally manifested him🎀)

then i realized i can have everything bc its my reality so why not add these:

new phone, +macbook air

dream apartment of my own

pinterest closet

lifa app for this reality

financially free-money(a lot. like really a lot)

knowing 4 languages like a native person(bc i want to be diplomat so bad) +sign language(its in general)

a little drama(its not gonna hurt anybody)

my parents being more lovable and away from me

every time i try to get in, either i was failing or falling

and im sick of it, sick of it so much i quit.(for a year)

then i go to the theraphy(ofc no im jk ilove being crazy)

one day i saw a post ss from tumblr about pure consciousness on pinterest and i was like whaat is thiiss. no mention of void so i thougt its a diffrent thing and i download the tumblr again and search everything abt it. and same excitement again after one year same thougts and same list popes up in my head. and i was like ok maybe this time itll happen.

still waiting to be someth happen so nothing happend, it was such a waste of time trying to get in while i was already be, i was already what i want to become. i was that girl that everyone gets along with but i couldnt even see bc i was too focused on wanting to be. but still tried every night and failed. and again tried-failed-quit circle bc.. have you ever met me🎀

4 month ago i saw the girl, iconic blogger and the goddess of my dreams, her @b4ddprincess thx again love u so much

a post pops in my fyp and i see the words ''pure consciousness'' i was like noo not again. and i was serious abt it i wasnt gonna read the whole thing but it attract me n i couldnt resist it so ive read it from the top to the bottom. and she got my interest so i stalked her page from the last and to the first post. it was quiet a beautiful journey for me. lasted like 3 days, the end of the 3rd day i was ''woaw it was this easy all along? u cant be serious.'' she was. i tried one last time, no breathing exercise, no ridiculous routines and no waiting something to be happen. it was just me being real me chilling out asf.

and it was this easy and it should be this easy bc being your 4d self is being nothing also being everything at the same time. if u wanna be everything you should be nothing first(as wizardliz saying: drop the old story, leave the victimhood, for being better stop being bitter etc.)u should make a space for everything first and then u can be everything.

for being 4d self of yours stop being your3dself.

sooo long story (no)short i am writing this from my mac in my new apartment(in middle of the night bc i couldnt sleep and then one tumblr notification reminded me i have a success story to share too) and my phone buzzing two minutes a time bc of my friends while im writing this, so if theres anything wrong ignore it pls.

oh u asking my bf how cute, hes sleepin in my bed now, exhausted from the work n school balance.

YWS SCHOOL!! im in my dream collage and im going to be in paris for a week. i deserve a vacation i guess(its for another conference), i kinda hate french men bc theyre so mansplaning(not like how i imagined, its hard to be friends w them)girls are cute but i feel like theyre aware im not permanent there so we just con buddies still cute and hepful for this foreigner.

and i canceled the lifa app thingy bc i can be my purest consciousness anytime i want, so i am my lifa app.

and thx to 4 languages i make a lot of money and that brings us to the pinterest closet, yesterday i realiased that. theyre not comes to me w an imaginary way like i imagined! i go outside for shopping casually and theyre there luckily i have enough money to buy them.

and my family theyre living in our hometown now so as i want it to be, we are away from eachother.

and the most magical thing: SHIFTING REALITIESSS

i did 5 world before i met w my bf. it was such a wonderful experience. if you have doubts abt shifting you can go fuck urself

because sir i did it and i am very sure that dean winchester being my husband is not a daydream, fantasy nor lucid dreaming. believe it or not he kissed me GOD HE KİSSED ME(someone should stop me i have a bf)

is there anything i missed let me see.. cats i have 2 cats now and theyre adorable. glowing aura-check

the girl who is pretty not cute- check +make anxietygo-checkcheckcheck

dream body and hair- check and check

i wanna give u a info i didnt have all my desires by being my4dself

not directly actually. but i have them all. and thats the point.

im not trying to be a blogger but if you have any question abt anything, id be happy to help

now i need to upgrade things in my farm byeess

loves, siena.

[icarusredwings]

This post is dedicated to my wife. I see you, my love. And I can't be more than proud of you, my darling honeybee.

_________

Thinking about how Wade has to eat while doing something or else he just... can't.

Logan first noticed it about 4 days into moving in. That Wade will watch stuff on his phone or eat in the living room in front of the tv. There's no in-between.

One day, he makes dinner and sets the table, him and Al, sitting there, ready to eat, but Wade is hesitant. He sat down just fine but when it came to actually eating he just... stares.

He starts talking, rambling, ranting about anything. He even asks Logan to tell him a story about something, any war, anyone. "You ever meet anyone really cool? Like Elvis or something?"

"Not particularly." He mutters after swallowing.

He starts picking at his fingers in his lap. His foot is tapping, and he feels so guilty. He watches as Al finishes her plate, talking about how delicious it was and thanks him.

And Wade thinks so. The food is simple. It doesn't smell bad either. So why can't he just eat it? It's not like it was bad. Logan wouldn't feed him expired food or make him bad stuff on purpose.

'It's just pasta. Come on, you love pasta' he tries to tell himself but cant seem to actually put any food in his mouth.

Every time he tries, he ends up just putting it back down.

Eventually, there are tears in his eyes.

"Wade..? What's wrong?"

He shakes his head, smiling that bullshit grin he gives when he doesn't know how to explain the fact that his brain was screaming at him that he didnt deserve the food, trying to conviece him that it was rotten, convience him that he was being poisoned or that if he ate this something bad would happen.

But now he's between a rock and a hard place because if he doesn't eat Logan will think he hates his cooking and will leave. He'll move out.

And what if he takes puppins with him? What if he thinks hes a bad dog dad because obviously if he cant feed himself how will he take care of puppins? What if he-

"Wade!"

He jumps a bit, looking at him with big watery eyes.

Something in Logan's concerned face makes him feel worse. ".. y-yeah?"

There's silence.

Logan then sighs, his shoulders falling, scooting over with his plate as he sits next to him.

"... Have I ever told you about the time I accidently blew myself up and Rodgers laughed at me?"

He shakes his head, staring at him. "S-stevie laughed at you?"

Logan nods, beginning to tell the story.

And just like that?

Wade's fork finally reaches his mouth, sometimes glancing down at his plate, but mainly keeping his attention on Logan, smiling and interjecting at times.

He needed distraction.

From the meanies in his head that much preferred the words of a story or tv show then to be alone in the quiet.

"Wait wait wait-" he says, his plate already half cleared, about to shove some more in his mouth. "You sniffed it out and STILL stepped on it??"

"Heh.. yeh.. well. That's what happens when your stuck in a trench."

"Did it stink in there?" Another bite.

"It was terrible. That's why I couldn't smell the mines." He jokes, smirking as Wade laughs, covering his mouth.

Going to stab another piece he realizes that its gone. With another guilty look, he glances to the plate then to the stove, and Logan last.

"Is... is there more?"

Logan knew better then to question him. He had to do something similar with Kurt, talking him through his first few full meals. He didnt believed someone like him deserved fancy mansion food.. well.... Logan didn't either that first week. But Chuck was there.

And now Logan was there for Wade.

Funny how that came full circle..

"Yeah." He gets up, bringing him the entire pot, pouring another helping onto his plate, Watching as Wade shoveled some more in his mouth with a grin.

"So- Mmh- Pars uh yu jus' wen evrwhre??"

Logan smiles, now its his turn to laugh. "Not quite. But sure as hell felt like it."

_______

And this is for any of my fellow people whos brains are mean to them. You are loved. There is nothing wrong with you. I want you fed. I dont care what it is, Fed is better than nothing. So if that means you will survive off of nuggets and a show about lego monkeys? Then so be it. Im so proud of all of you. And I will never ever judge you for your process. Do you know why?

Because you have survived evert hard day that life has ever thrown at you.

WOOWW!! Look at you!! You bad ass! God damn you are so strong!! Look at you go! I love you.

And keep pushing my little ducklings. Keep swimming.

[woodenanemone]

your eyes fluttered open, the sudden feeling of warmth above you waking you from your sleep.

you open your eyes to see choso above you, his arms framing your head, pulling back from his kiss on your forehead. your eyes squinted from the light streaming in the room, reflecting on his face that softly smiled down at you. he looked like the sweetest angel, but you could barely appreciate it through the fogginess of your post rested state.

“good morning. I’m sorry to wake you, but I really couldn’t wait to see you.” he apologized softly, his hand coming up brush your cheek. you sighed at the contact, feeling yourself growing more awake as the time passed. “good morning, choso. it’s alright, I should be up anyways.” you groggily responded while sitting up, causing him to shift, now sitting by your knees. “happy valentines day.” he smiled warmly. you smiled back, now remembering that this is his first valentines with a lover, and you started to understand his eagerness to spend the morning with you. you wished him the same, stretching and yawning. choso rested his hand on your cheek once more, and you blink in surprise at the sudden seriousness in his expression.

“in truth, today means nothing to me.”

you flinch at the bluntness of his words. “Um—?”

"please, don’t mistake my dismissal of this holiday for dismissal of our love. I mean it in the way that…,” he paused for a second, his eyes drifting down to your lap, thinking. “I’d be sickened with myself if my affection for you couldn’t even transcend the 14th of february. no teddy bear, no hallmark card, no rose in the world could ever even begin to show my adoration for you. The love I feel can't be boxed and tied up with a bow, and gifted to you on a single date of the year. Even 365 days is not virtually enough time to give you the feelings I have. my love for you is boundless, vaster than any sky, and deeper than any ocean.”

your mouth opened, then closed again. he just made that up on the spot? and really… how does he expect you to respond when he gets like this? “ocean’s can only go so deep, choso.” you teased, holding his chin. and with that, his face morphed into the sweetest smile you’ve had the pleasure of seeing, his tone sincere.

“I’d claw at the oceans floors until my fingers bled. and then I’d keep digging, into the very depths of hell, to expands its depths. but even then… the distance couldn’t hold an iota of what I feel for you.” and he meant that.

“I love you, and I wish I could tell you how much I love you. but there aren’t enough words in the world to say it, no language eloquent or evocative enough to ever even begin to convey just how I feel looking into your eyes. the eyes which… could make even the mute, inanimate moon tell all her secrets to. in all honesty, I’m so scared that if any man in passing meets this terrifying gaze, he too will fall into insanity, like I have.”

“how do you even come up with this stuff?” you say exasperatedly, shaking your head at your lack of a better response. he shrugged. “even an illiterate man could recite words of Shakespeare in grand verse, if he were only so lucky to have the privilege of seeing your smile.”

“...it’s 9 in the morning. please, at least give my heart the chance of getting through breakfast.”

ngl i kinda hate this but i cant come up with anything better rn..

i wish you all a happy valentines day, i hope you find nothing but love and adoration !

[cherry-romper]

Loving You Sounds Like a Song

Playlist

+ Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Marco, Jean, Connie, Sasha, Levi, Erwin, Hange, Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, Porco, Pieck, Zeke

Eren; Radio - Lana Del Rey

Not even they can stop me now

Their heavy words can't bring me down

No one even knows how hard life was

Lick me up and take me like a vitamin, 'Cause my body's sweet like sugar venom

How do you like me now?

Mikasa; All I Wanted - Paramore

Think of me when you're out, when you're out there

I could follow you to the beginning, Just to relive the start

And maybe then we'd remember to slow down, At all out favourite parts

All I wanted was you

Armin; Ocean eye - Billie Eilish

Cant stop staring at those ocean eyes

You really know how to make me cry

I've never fallen from quite this high

I've been walking through a world gone blind

Careful creature made friends with time

Marco; Heart To Heart - Mac DeMarco

To all the days we were together, To all the time we were apart

So, we never saw the start, Of each other's lives

Sentimentally assumed, Walking parallels

Heart to heart

Jean; FOR YOUR LOVE - Maneskin

I wanna be the first man you look at tonight

I wanna be a good man and see you smile

I wanna hold you in my arms tonight

For your love, I'll do whatever you want

I've got so much to give to you

Connie; Nothing Breaks Like a Heart - Mark Ronson, Miley Cyrus

This world can hurt you, It cuts you deep and leaves a scar

And nothing breaks like a heart

We live and die by pretty lies

We got all night to fall in love

nothing gon' save us now

Sasha; BIRDS OF A FEATHER - Billie Eilish

I want you to stay

Nothing left to lose without my baby

Can't change the weather, might not be forever, But if it's forever, it's even better

And I don't know what I'm crying for

I'll love you till the day that I die

Levi; Cinnamon Girl - Lana Del Rey

You try to push me out, But i just find my way back in

There's things I wanna say to you, But i'll just let you love

Like if you hold me without hurting me, You'll be the first that ever did

Hold me, love me, touch me, honey, Be the first who ever did

Hange; i wanna be your girlfriend - girl in red

I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips

I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath

Although my lips are blue and I'm cold

I don't wanna be your friend, I wanna be your bitch

Erwin; Twilight - Boa

It's a necessary evil

You give me an inner sanctity

Your feelings and mine are all lonely

And dawn comes, you're there lying with me

And you reach out to touch me, But I am in the twilight

Reiner; i love you - Billie Eilish

Its not true, Tell me I've been lied to, Crying isn't like you

What the hell did I do?

You didn't mean to say "I love you"

I love you, And I don't want too

I can't escape the way I love you

Bertholdt; Strangers - Ethel Cain

"Don't talk to strangers or you might fall in love"

How funny, I never considered myself tough

I tried to be good, an I no good?

I just wanted to be yours, can I be yours?

Am I making you feel sick?

Annie; We cant be friends (wait for you love) - Ariana Grande

I didn't think you'd understand me

Just wanna let this story die, And I'll be alright

We can't be friends, But id like to just pretend

Wait for you love

Me and my truth, we sit in silence

Porco; Never Let Me Go - Florence + The Machine

Reflections still look the same to me

No need to pray, no need to speak

Found the place to rest my head, Never let me go

And all this devotion was rushing out of me, And the crashes are heaven for a sinner like me

But the arms of the ocean delivered me

Pieck; Linger - The Cranberries

I'm sure, I'm not being rude, But its just your attitude

I swore I would be true

Why are you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?

But I'm in so deep, You know, I'm such a fool for you

You got me wrapped around your finger

Did you have to let it linger?

Zeke; When We Were Young - Adele

Everybody loves the things you do

Everybody here is watching you, 'Cause you feel like home, You're a dream come true

Can I have a moment? Before I go?

Hoping you're someone I used to know

You look like a movie, You sound like a song, My god this reminds me, of when we were young

We were scared of getting old, It made us restless

[iznyangwoni]

EASY TO LOVE | chapter eleven !

“I would’ve much preferred to have your brother here instead.” God, he’s starting wonderfully. You and your father never had that good of a relationship, he has always liked your older brother more than you, only because he is a man. “But i feel like you’re going to be useful to catch some attention.”

Useful. Of course he’s talking about you as a tool. You know you’re pretty, you did grew as a beautiful woman and that’s probably the only thing he is proud of you for. “Is your dress different from the one i gave you?” You’re surprised he noticed, but its probably nothing good.

“I did alter it a bit.” These are the first words that come out of your mouth after minutes of silence in the car. Your dad takes a better look at your dress, he sighs right after, starting to walk towards the entrance of the huge mansion the gala is taking place at. “What a shame. Such talent wasted in woman. You know this can only be a hobby for you, right?”

“Yes.” You follow behind, your voice monotone, you’ve gotten used to these kind of comments in the twenty years of your life. You hate this, you hate being here, you hate being showed off, you hate having to smile at whoever he introduces you to and not being able to talk freely.

“Mr. Choi! Isnt it delightful to see you?” You turn around as you hear a woman call your father. She is definitely a beautiful, beautiful woman, and she kind of looks familiar, but you cant really tell why.

“Y/n, why dont you introduce yourself to the lovely Mrs Yang?” You smile at the woman in front of you. “Its a pleasure to meet you, i love the dress you’re wearing sweatheart.”

That honestly makes you want to cry. She’s complimenting your dress? The dress you spent a whole night on? “Thank you so much, i actually altered it myself and-“ You stop when your father puts a hand on your back to stop you. You fucked up. The woman looks at you with a smile on her face, then looks at your father.

“I didn’t even know you had a daughter. Where did you hide such a gem?” You bite your inner cheek, your father is not going to like this. A woman thinking good of you? This couldn’t go worse. You’ve heard of Mrs Yang here and there during dinner, and you know he despises her and only sees her company as competition.

Your father laughs at the woman’s words, and pats your back roughly, it may seem innocent from the eyes of someone else but you know all these pats are gonna leave a mark at the end of the night if you keep fucking up like this. “I usually bring my oldest son, he is the real gem of the family, he is now in New York to close a deal. Don’t you have a son too?”

“Oh yes! He’s finally back from the boarding school he went to in Europe. Where is he…” The woman looks around until she smiles, probably finding her son and calling him towards us. “Here he is, Jungwon is a really hardworking young man.” You freeze when you see Jungwon in front of you. Looking at them side by side.. they look identical, no wonder you found the woman familiar.

Jungwon smiles at you and then introduces himself to your father. You’re about to panic, Jungwon is the son of your father’s rival. This couldn’t go worse, you take a deep breath, your mind starts to get foggy, fuck fuck fuck fuck why did this had to happen to you? Jungwon is about to say something to you when suddenly Sunghoon appears, he puts an arm around the younger.

“Jungwon! My friend! Its been so long, should we catch up?” The woman smiles, probably thinking Jungwon has a good friend with him so Sunghoon doesnt think twice before taking him outside. You honestly feel like throwing up, this night couldn’t go worse. Your father pats your back one more time, in the same rough way as before. “Why dont you also catch up with your friends? Mrs Yang and I have some business to talk about.”

You nod and say a polite bye to the woman. You honestly dont know what to do, your head is spinning and your stomach has never hurt more. You look around for Wonyoung, but she is also busy talking with some other parents, you could go to Jay, but if your father saw you with a man it would probably make things even worse.

The best thing to do right now is just go to the bathroom and wait for all of this to end. So you walk outside, deciding that the farthest bathroom is the safest choice. Once out, you notice Sunghoon and Jungwon fighting, they’re still not throwing hands but its obvious they’re mad. You dont want to get too close, but you need to hear in case this turns out badly.

“I told you, you need to leave her alone. You’re just going to bring her more troubles, you don’t know Y/N. You dont know anything about how things work here.” “I dont care about how things work or how you built your fucking spoiled kids empire.” You sigh, thats enough, you dont need to hear more, you just need to be alone for a second.

You keep walking towards the bathroom, knowing damn well that they could see you, but its not like your care anymore. “Yn” you hear Jay call you, but you just shake your head, not wanting to talk with them. “Yn where are you going?” Jungwon takes you by your wrist, but you immediately get off of his grip, the fear of your father seeing this making you panic even more.

“Leave me alone!” You blurt out quite loudly, your legs are definitely shaking by now. “All of you, i need you to leave me alone, dont speak to me, dont get near me, and don’t touch me!” You take another deep breath, walking a few steps back. “Y/n…” “If you want to help just call Wonyoung.”

And that said you finally reach the bathroom, barely being able to breathe. You try to calm yourself down putting water on your wrists and neck. Maybe you really need to just get away from Jungwon. First it was Minji’s threat, now you just found your father despises his mother to death, this couldn’t get worse.

The second you start crying is when Wonyoung opens the door of the bathroom, the panic taking full control of your body as you sit on the floor. Your friend rushes to you. “I fucked up, Wony i fucked up so hard.” “Calm down, calm down yn its fine. Just tell me what happened, okay?” She sits in front of you, taking your hands in hers.

You take deep breaths, wanting this excruciating pain in your chest to finally end. You let the tears fall freely, not caring about your friend seeing you like this. “I think my father is mad at me and… and Jungwon, fuck. Everything surrounding him is so damn wrong i.. i don’t know what to do..”

“You dont have to do anything, Y/n. Right now lets just calm down, mh?” I nod, resting my head on the wall and closing my eyes. I’m glad Wonyoung is here, i’m sure she is the only one who can calm you down so easily. She sits next to you, letting you rest your head on her shoulder.

“And its not like you need Jungwon. I’m sure you’ll know what to do.”

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TAGLIST @unhakki @firstclassjaylee @en-verse @mxxninthesky @seunghancore @heeseungmyman @jiamini @yoonzns @wonswondrland @50-husbands @leaderwonim @aloloveswonie @f3rraribabez @jwonistic @ribbioniki @kyanmeai @ilovejungwonandhaechan @nat123c @yjwsgf @gyuvision @realrintaro @glxzillx @qettalos @rairaiblog @sakanelli-afc @nodiotter @haohaoshoe @vixensss

[crrepiest]

Yandere! Teacher x Reader

♡Yan!Teacher x GN Reader♡

Pt 2

Tw: age-gap, slight nsfw, pervy behavior, stalking, obsessive behavior

Make sure to check out Pt 1!

I gaze out onto the school courtyard from my classroom window as students scramble to get to their next class period. Red and orange leaves fall silently to the ground and collect in piles amongst the feet of the students. Some of them in a hurry while others take their time. You, being one of the punctual students.

At this point, it was routine.

Watching you as you hurry past the rest of the student body to get to your 4th period class early. My class. I like to think its because you're so eager to see me. As eager as I am to see you.

I sit in my chair, arms crossed, keeping a watchful eye until you were completely out of sight. I relax my shoulders and let them fall as a sigh escapes my lips.

I never feel at ease anymore. Time slows, minutes turn into hours until I was in your presence. Until I could smell your perfume/ cologne when you swept past my desk to take a seat. Just so I could hear your sweet voice say my name when you greeted me "Good morning Mr. Roth".

You were always so sweet to me. Showing up to my class early, asking if I need help around the classroom, always turning in your homework on time if not way before the due date. Always such a good little student, almost as if you're trying to impress me. Sometimes I cant tell if this is real or not.

Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months and my thoughts turn ever increasingly centric of you

I find myself over thinking. Anxiety filled thoughts that leave me tossing and turning in my big empty bed, only to wish you were there with me, to sooth me.

What if you didn't reciprocate my feelings? How would you react when I inevitably opened my heart to you. Would you be repulsed by me? These thoughts fill my head, stretching the nights thin.

On especially bad nights, I've gotten into a habit of taking sleep medication. No method of self soothing could ease my mind.

Which led me here, too much sleep in my system from popping a pill at 6:30 pm since I couldn't rid the burning image of your face from my mind.

As I was lost in thought staring at my desk, light foot steps sounded from the hallway, headed toward my room. My eyes snap to the door in hopes that is was you.

You enter the class room with a smile already plastered on your face. My heart starts to beat faster at the sight. I send you a quick smile back as you begin to greet me.

"Hi Mr. Roth! How has your morning been so far?"

God. If only you knew.

If it were even possible, my cheeks start to burn harder as I listen to my name slide out of your mouth so elegantly.

"My morning just got better Mx (y/ I/n)." I smirk at you.

"Oh stop it" you giggled as you walked to your desk to take a seat.

And just like that, all the worry washed away from my body.

"How was your night last night (y/n)" I try to keep the conversation flowing for as long as I could.

I tried to pay attention to you. I really did. Every word that poured out of your mouth was like a symphony. It's just as my gaze wondered from your eyes, down to you moving lips, i couldn't help myself.

I couldn't help but imagine how those delicate lips would feel around me. How those innocent eyes would look as they were all glossed over with tears as a pout sat perfectly on your face. All for me to ruin.

I nodded my head and let out affirmative words to not raise anysuspicions from you that I wasn't paying full attention.

I was pulled from my thoughts as I heard chatter amongst students in my classroom. I sucked in a sharp breath and hesitantly removed my eyes from you. Sometimes when I'm with you, it feels as if the the whole world fades away. As if I'm not stuck in my career as an English teacher, having to teach a class full of students who I couldn't care less about.

I wish it were just the two of us. A fantasy that I catch myself day dreaming about frequently. To have you secluded from society and the only source of outside information being me. To have you completely dependent on me. I wouldn't have to deal with sharing you with other people, or get distracted from you.

The dismissal bell rang and everyone rose from their seats and made their way to the door. You gathered your notebooks and pencil and shoved them into your backpack.

You and I made eye contact. It was only brief but it felt like a life time to me. Naturally, I was already staring at you to begin with. You seemed to notice this.

"See you tomorrow Mx. (Y/I/n)" | said softly.

You gave a beaming smile that I swear made my heart skip a few beats.

I never let my eyes leave your form until you were out of view. I propped my head up with my hand on my desk and breathed out raspy a sigh. I stared at my computer as my mind raced with the thought of you.

Then a horrible thought came to mind.

I hurriedly opened my browser and clicked open a new tab. A smirk started to tug at my lips as I navigated through the teacher access center. Why haven't I thought of doing this before?

I typed in your name and found your school profile. Everything I could have ever needed lay right at my fingertips. I smile deviously at the glowing screen of the laptop. I pull out a sticky note and a pen and jotted down the information I needed.

The day dragged on for what seemed like ages. Then, the final bell rang. I gathered my things and headed out to my car, eager to get home to set my plan in motion.

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚　˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

The car engine quiets down as the car comes to a complete stop.

I turned the key in the ignition to shut off the humming engine. The lights in the vehicle start to fade out as I'm left in the dark, alone with my thoughts.

Anxiety and excitement ran rampant through my veins. My fists curled tightly around the steering wheel as I took a deep breath. I can't believe I was actually going through with this.

I quietly closed the car door as I stepped out. The cold air snipped at my face, making me wince. I shoved my hands into my jacket pocket as I made my way to looming house in front of me.

AHHH thank you all so much for all the love on my first post it means a lot!!

Also, face claim for Mr. Roth: Jeffery Dean Morgan my beloved

Please feel free to give me constructive criticism on my writing so I can further improve in the future :3

[phagodyke]

and now I'm upset again I fucking give up

why was I fighting for my life trying to stay awake and failing at 4pm in the afternoon and now its 1:30am I cant fucking sleep at all :^/

[listofwhyyouloveher]

Can you do the greasers dating a Jamaican girl or just a Carribbean girl in general? Separate, obvi 😅

Since it was the 1960s there probably was alot of prejudice which is why I was wondering what it would be like, as a Jamaican myself

❤️

Summary: The Greasers x Jamaican/Carribean!Reader

Warnings: racism, stereotypes, etc.

Author's Note: Generally, I have no clue what living as a Jamaican or Carribbean woman is like and i tried some research but im not very confident in it, so i'm sorry if this is written vaguely...

PONYBOY thinks you're actually stunning, he loves your beautiful hair and glossy skin, and your curves and style. He thinks you're just a genuinely beautiful person, no matter what race. He's not blind to the fact that him dating you would be odd in their society, or that you're tougher than most because of this life you had to endure, but he thinks that you're just perfect for him. He'll always comfort you after a hard day, reminding you that you're so much smarter and more beautiful that people realize.

JOHNNY doesn't try to associate with you at first. He's already outcasted and he sees you as someone that could pull down his reputation, until he starts actually talking to you. He cannot get over your voice, it's smooth like honey and that's what initially attracted him to you. He denied his feelings for so long but eventually realized, that love knows no bounds, and that he'd feel so much better without trying to fit you and himself inside a box. Since then, he's been quite literally the best boyfriend ever. He'll always step in for you, even when he knows he can't really handle it, and he always has a praise for you at the end of the day.

SODAPOP has a specific talent that lets him see how pretty a person is even if their just wearing a school uniform with their hair tied back. He knows how to recognize beautiful features, beauty in the rawest form. You always stuck out to him, and he always stares as you walk by, but makes no move to talk to you until Steve hypes him up. He's awkward and fumbling. He knows interracial couples are shunned and not accepted, so your relationship is a secret that no one knows about except for the gang. He would love to go public with your relationship but he fears that people might start targetting you because of it.

STEVE is quite literally the wokest guy in the gang. He doesn't care about beauty standards, he's never fit them (he thinks) and he's confident in himself so why should anyone care about anyone else? He talks to you nonchalantly a lot, a passing remark about the weather, asking you how your day was. You two are just common accquantainces until he asks you to go to the movies. While sitting next to you, he realizes how tense and nervous you make him. He starts noticing little details about you, your perfume, your hairstyle, your clothing, until he realizes he likes you and asks you out. He's so caring to you, people know not to mess with you, because Steve will rile the whole gang up to come get them because the gang loves you like a sister.

TWO-BIT knows being associated with you could be bad news. He tries to stay out of your way while being respectful, but something about you to him is genuinely so alluring. He cant tell if it's the way you hold yourself, the gentle slope of your shoulders or if its everything wrapped up in a neat little bow, but that's probably the first time he's had a crush in a long while. He tries not to let it be known but you can tell, and you explain that you like him too, but that you know that it would be rough if you two got together. Having conformation that you like him back is the straw that breaks the camels back for him, he's ready to dive head first into this relationship with no protection at all. He's always got your back, especially when it comes to out-insulting people, he's got a tongue sharp enough that it would make a young boy cry and he will use it against someone if they try to diss his girl.

DARRY tries to stay as distanced as he can from you. There's too much trouble for him as a greaser and a technically 'single dad' that he just can't handle anymore stress at the moment, but he's always respectful and never says anything about you. He sees you everywhere though, and you start infecting his mind until he's almost waiting everyday to see you pass by. You two have this weird situationship, where its more the presences of the other than anything. You realize that Darry is probably more hesitant to be in a relationship with you, but that he loves you too. However, patience is key, because he asks you out within the next month. He tells you, once Pony is out of the house and you two can move far away from Tulsa, the relationship can be more public, but for now, only the gang knows.

DALLAS is probably racist. He grew up mean and angry and he'd probably act that way to you. There is no 'fixing him' or 'making him change for you', that's just how he will be. He won't ask you out, but sometimes he'll drop stuff by your door, try and stop by your place for a drink or two. Or just something that makes him look uncaring but still lets him be close to you. He's stuck in this love hate loop with both you and himself, but he tries to push it out of his mind.

[stevie-petey]

oh also,,, whenever you wanna write. chap 6 steve & robin pov blurb because i am so sure steve would be going on and on about bug once she left so my soul needs that thank you <3

im kicking myself idk why i didnt include this scene in the chapter like its PERFECT for what i have planned later but ,,, for now all i can do is make it a blurb n tell people to read it lmao

enjoy <3

"it didnt matter that you were an ass. i was still... obsessed with you." robins confession hangs in the air. her back is pressed against steves as they lay on the floor, bound together. his eye stings and his nose is numb and crusted with dried blood. he isnt sure why shes telling him this.

"even though all of us losers pretend to be above it all, we still just wanna be popular. accepted. normal."

the rope around steves wrists tense. he clenches his fists and bites the inside of his swollen cheek. acceptance. he thought he had that, once. when he was sixteen with a crowd of people who wouldve done anything for his attention.

now hes eighteen and the crowds bruises still tinge his body.

"if it makes you feel any better, having those things isnt all that great. seriously." it took him a long time to learn that. to recognize that his acceptance was merely a precedence. it wasnt real friendship. he wouldnt learn this until he met you, until you taught it to him. "it just baffles me. everything that people tell you is important, everything that people say you should care about, its all just... bullshit."

bullshit. nancy taught him that, too.

"its all just bullshit, it was so obviously bullshit. i was an idiot for not realizing it sooner," steve bites the inside of is cheek again. somehow, his lips remained untouched when he was being beaten by the russians. your lips still linger on his. "you know, the only person who saw through my bullshit was y/n. one day, before we knew about monsters and russian lairs, she said that she knew i wasnt a bad person. it... it stuck with me. here she was, y/n henderson, telling me i wasnt so bad."

"and then...?" robin is almost too afraid to press him further. shes never seen him like this, vulnerable and open. she didnt know that his history with you went beyond just a summer fling.

steve nudges his head back and sighs. "i messed up. i... i hurt people. people she cared about."

robin frowns. you wouldnt forgive someone so easily for that. theres more to what steve is saying, she just cant figure out what. "she must really love you, then. if she forgave you."

"i dont know if she loves me, but i know that she believes in me. sees someone worth putting up with." he huffs, he cant believe he will never see you again. he hates that he will never be able to thank you for seeing a version of him that no one else could. "it wasnt until i messed up that i realized she saw something in me. its ironic, isnt it? but i guess you gotta mess up to figure things out, right?"

he had to mess up to realize that he loved you, too.

"i hope so. i feel like my whole life has been one big error." robin admits. its the least she could do, offer steve a piece of herself in return for what hes offered her.

an unattractive snort escapes steve. he laughs, and his shoulders shake against robins. he understands exactly what she means. "yup."

"god, i wonder how y/n does it."

"does what?"

robin pauses, worries that she might reveal too much. but its steve. if theyre going to die together, he deserves to know. he has to know. "shes always able to see the error in people and love them anyways."

steve is quiet. he lets what she said settle over him. its what he loves the most about you. how youve always managed to see the good in people, even in someone as cruel as billy. he hadnt known that robin noticed this kindness in you, too.

she seems to understand you in a way only he and jonathan do.

"you know, i wish id known you in clicks class." its a peace offering. an extension of himself to robin for caring about you the way he does. no one really seems to be able, despite how easy steve finds it to be.

"yeah?"

"really, i do. maybe you couldve helped me pass the class." he breathes out, the thought of all he couldve done differently will always haunt him. king steve is dead, but the persona is a ghost he will never be able to get rid of. "maybe instead of being here, id be with y/n on some romantic getaway. maybe you wouldve given me the courage to do what i shouldve done sooner."

robin doesnt say anything. she turns her face away, presses her cheek against the concrete surface.

"robin?"

she swallows. "yeah. yeah, maybe. you wouldnt have been stuck slinging ice cream with me like some smuck."

steve shakes his head. hes worried hes said the wrong thing. "hey, dont get me wrong. i enjoyed being your smuck. it was fun while it lasted."

bittersweetness creeps upon robins face. she smiles, though its a sad one. shes going to die with the understanding of why youve fallen so hard for steve harrington. "yeah. it was."

then the doors burst open and the russian find them.

[iouinotes]

"The Cole Effect" | Cole Walter

pairing: Cole Walter x female!reader

show: My life with the Walter Boys

warnings: smut, but just a little (I had to after seeing him in that last scene)

word count: 4k

summary: Cole asks the reader out on a date and after he convinced her, they spend a fun (if you know you know) evening together.

a/n: please pretend that his restored car has backseats...thanks (also I'm sorry for the way this ff ended. I wanted to write smut all the way, but it just didnt feel right anymore after the first half. So please enjoy the rest of it and bear with me...)

"So, when do I pick you up?"

He leans against my locker, looking over my shoulder and reading my notes. "Cole, how many times do I have to tell you? I dont have the time and patience, I'm sorry-" sighing I look at him, studying his smug grin.

"You have the chance to get to know me better. In my opinion, that sounds like the perfect way to spend the afternoon." He smiles at me, his eyes scanning my face.

The fact is, I didnt want to fall in love with him and I knew, if I would let him take me out, it wouldnt turn out for the best. Well, mostly for me. He would probably date the next woman, that would catch his eye. And I would be on his list, sitting at home on the weekends and waiting for him to call. No, that wasnt how I planned to spend my time.

I mean, he obviously is very handsome, blonde hair, dreamy eyes, pink lips that somehow always look kissable. And to be honest, sometimes when I get lost in a daydream, forgetting about the math class, he appears in my head. Always smiling as bright as the sun. I dont know what it is, but something about him is so attractive, I dont even know how to discribe it.

Of course, I'm not the only one who feels that sort of attraction. His magical appearance, how he talks, walks, smiles, flirts.

It´s called "the Cole effect". For most of the time, I didnt really get it. But as soon as his eyes landed on me, as soon as he talked to me, trust me, I got it. He is charming, enchanting, funny and he has a way with words that makes it addictive to hear his voice.

It´s crazy, but it is reality.

When I look at him now, I feel another pair of eyes watching me. Erin. The girl, who is in a on-off realtionship with him. Cole has many women, who want him, not just because he is popular. But because he is what every girl dreams of. Thats the problem, he is a dream till he gets bored and then you find yourself in your own nightmare.

"Its just- I cant. Also, there is a really pretty and wonderful girl, standing right next to you, thats been waiting for you to notice her." I never unterstood how Cole could want someone else, when Erin existed.

"Well, Im currently talking to her, so I know when to pick her up." His eyes stay clued to me. Confused, I draw my eyebrows together. "But Erin is this way-" I turn my head to look at her, but at the same second I feel a finger tenderly turning my head back. I freeze, butterflies awake in my stomach and I have to keep myself from looking too flustered by his gesture. Of course, my body has its mind of his own, so I feel my cheeks turn red.

At that, he grins. "I know you feel it, beautiful. One date, thats all Im asking for. I promise, you will have a good time." Im too caught up in my emotions to think reasonable. So I quietly nod and feel myself holding my breath, when he leans down to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. His finger again, linger slightly on my cheek.

"See you then, 9 o'clock. I'll be on time, you have my word." Winking, he turns around and walks down the aisle.

Finally I get to breath again.

☀️☀️☀️☀️

Why the fuck did I agree to this? Standing infront of my mirror, I look at my summer dress, warm yellow colour with beautiful, little sunflowers on it. It was the dress, I got a lot of compliments for. But then again, what was my intention with wearing this dress? Im not sure.

While I pick out a golden necklace in the shape of a sun and put on a few bracelets, I leave my hair down and the way it always is. I don't want him to think that I'm trying too hard.

He knows the truth anyway.

A few minutes later, I hear the doorbell ring and with one last, deep breath I open the door. If I'm honest, I would have liked to close it straight away. Because there's no way to avoid staring at him the whole time when he looks like that. Wearing blue jeans, slightly oversize, a white tank top and his red jersey. He looks hot, in a way I want to spend the rest of the day, riding something other than his car. God, help me survive this.

To my suprise, he is quiet the gentleman. He compliments my dress, he holds the door open to his car, he lets me pick the music and as I sit in the passanger seat, listining to Taylor Swift, I smile to myself. Unfortunetely I´m not very subtle about it, because he asks me right away about my good mood.

"I dont know, Im just having a good time, I guess." I look at him, while he is focusing on the road. I see one of his hand rising, so he dramatically holds onto his chest.

"I'm hurt. Did you think, I was that boring?" Laughing, I shake my head. "No, its not that. To best honest, I didnt expect myself to enjoy today." I turn my head and look at my lap, fiddling with my fingers. "Why not?" I see his head looking in my direction, a curious tone in his voice.

"I´ve had a hard time this last year, everything with school and you are- I mean, I dont know what intention do you have with me? Im not a one night stand type of person, I want something real. You know, like in the love songs, the real feelings, a real relationship. With a person, who wants me the same way, I feel about them. I think, thats the reason Im not sure, if this-" I gesture between us "is a good idea."

He´s quite for a moment and I feel more embarassed, the more seconds pass.

"Im sorry. I didnt mean that we´re going to be, you know like a thing. I respect your decision to spend your time with other girls, I didnt mean it is something bad. Its just-" He finishes my sentence. "-not for you. I know." His eyes are on the road, but I see his hands nervously tapping the wheel.

"Sorry, if I just crashed the vibe. I didnt intend to do it." I look at my hands. "No, its okay. Dont be sorry. I like your honesty. You know, you state your point. Thats good."

We look at each other and I try to search in his eyes for a sign, that he´s pissed. But he just lightly smiles at me, reaching out and holding my hands. While one of his hands is still on the wheel, of course. I feel myself blushing.

"Look, lets not pretend that I´m the best choice for a relationship or boyfriend material. Because I´m not and you knew that, even before you agreed to spend the afternoon with me. So, I´m just curious. Why did you change your mind?"

His thumb is massaging the back of my hand and I try not to settle with this warm feeling in my chest. "Because you dont give up that easily and it's hard not to give in to you." I see a smile tuck at his lips. "You think so?" I role my eyes.

"You know the affect you have on people, Cole. It wouldnt suprise me, if you run for president and won. People like you." He laughs at my comparison, turning the wheel and driving into the driveway to a nice restaurant. When he parks the car and turns of the light, he turns in my direction and looks at me.

"Do you like me?"

The question suprises me. "What?" I laugh quietly. "You said, people like me. So, do you like me too?" His eyes search mine.

"Well, if I would hate you, I think i wouldnt have agreed to go to dinner with you." He leans forward.

"Well you could just be here for the food?" I grin at him. "You got me, Im just hungry, sorry. Can we go in and be silent the entire time?" His hands are still holding mine, but now one of them is caressing my arm, leaving me with goosebumbs.

We sit in silent, but when he opens his mouth to break the comfortable atmosphere, Im shocked by his honest words.

"Well, I like you. You´re funny, endearing, honest and smart. You are nice to everyone, even if you have do deal with a guy like me, who gets on your nerves, so you agree to go on a date with him. It´s something about you, that is special and I would like to get to know you better. If you do, I promise you´ll get more food."

I smile at his last sentence, even though I dont know what to say. "God, you´re making me speechless." He leans even closer. "I can do many other things, that can make you speechless." At that I look at his lips. I see him grin and when I look up again, he is even closer than before.

"There are two choices now. One, we go into his lovely restaurant and talk about god knows what or two, we test whether the seats can be tilted backwards." At his voice I feel myself getting flustered. God knows, I would love to test what the car is capable of. But we´re out in a driveway, infront of a restaurant and people could see us. And even though I´m not really against the idea, its to early.

"Or three, we eat first and maybe later, you show me why I need to hate you less." He rises his eyebrows. "So you really are just here for the food." I laugh. "I guess, I am."

The time we spend in the restaurant was wonderful. I didnt expect us to connect this way, its like he just gets me. We ate a huge meal, in the end we almost forget to pay and I feel myself being so entchanted to him.

Even though the waitress tried to flirt with him (which by the way is rude, because what about girls support girls?), he kept his attention on me, also reaching out infront of her and taking my hand. I really couldnt tell myself to stop imagining, what it would be like, if we were a couple.

I mean, its ridiculous, because he made it very clear, that he didnt want to be in a relationship. But still, a girl could dream, right? Right.

After we did pay (much to the relief of the waitress), we went outside and walked a few minutes along a path, our hands entangled by the time we got back to the car. I didnt want to admit it, but he managed to make me fall in love with him in one day.

And even though I was scared, he made me feel alive. I couldnt concentrate on anything over than him, his sweet compliments, his eyes that kept looking at my lips, his arm that went around my shoulder to keep me warm.

He was so caring, it made me loose my mind. I didnt want the night to end. So when we were back in his car on the way home and he asked me, if I wanted to see his new car, I agreed.

We talked on the way back about our interests. He told me about his passion for football, even though he didnt get to play anymore and about his fascination for restoring cars. I told him about my love for books and that I would rather spend the day waching a new Netflix series, than doing sports. We talked about our goals for the future and that we both want to get out of this town, finally seeing something new.

By the time we arrived at the ranch and he parked the car outside the door, it felt like I knew his past selve, his present and future self. I never had a date like this before, something so honest and great.

But I mean, I also never knew a person like Cole before, so maybe that is the reason.

☀️☀️☀️☀️

When we arrived, it was dark outside, but because it´s summer, neither one of us felt cold. "Is it okay for me to be here? I mean, are your parents cool with you, bringing a girl home?" I look to the house, checking if some of his family members are still awake, but no lights are seen. "As long as they dont know about it, they´re cool." He grins at me and I shake my head.

"Come on, I want to show you what I´ve been working on for the last months." He leads me, one of his hands on my back to the garage, opening the door and letting me in. Its dark inside, but I hear him shifting around to find the switch to turn on the light. When I hear a click and the light flickers on, I look around and at the tools, all the stuff standing around and finally at the car.

He´s standing next to it, a proud smile on his face. "So, what do you think?" Im walking towards him, inspecting his work. "I mean, I dont have a clue about cars, but it looks really good and like it was restored by a proffesional." My fingers run over the open hood.

When he carefully closes it a few seconds later, I look up and see him watching me. "What?" I say, starring back. He takes a step towards me, searching in my gaze, trying to make out if I want this the same way, he wants to feel me. But as I stand still, waching him get closer, centimeter by centimeter, until our faces almost touch, I feel myself breathing heavily.

His hands sneak around my waist, pulling me gently closer to him. He turns around, so he leans onto the car, directing me, so I stand between his legs. I feel myself getting hot, I hear his breath and watch his eyes trailing down to my lips and finally to my eyes. I do the same. And before I know it, he leans in and catches my lips in a captivating way. I feel myself melt.

One of my arms sneak around his shoulders, so I get closer to him. I feel butterflies fly around in my stomach, smiling in the kiss and when he breaks apart, he looks at me.

"Hate me less now?" He wispers.

"Not really, try again."

So he does. Our lips meet, our breath gets taken and I feel my knees weaken, when one of his hands capture my face. He holds me still and I feel every touch, my skin burns.

The temparature rises and when one of his hands travel down, first to my neck, then to my collarbone and lastly to my shoulders, his fingers hold the straps of my dress. Again, he breaks apart, so I open my eyes and immedialy want to kiss him again. Although my hands wander over his shoulder, Im not sure what to do now.

"Are you nervous?" His hands caress my sides, his question leaves me uncertain. I nod, not in the right state to use my words. At that, he gently smiles. "Then I will help you relax. You can do that for me right?"

His words make me clench my thights and I feel myself getting wet. When I nod again, he leans forward and wispers in my ear. "Good girl." That and that his lips nip at my ear and leave a wet trail at my neck, makes me whimper slightly. I feel him smirk, so he earns a light smack on his arm. He laughs quietly and when I open my eyes, his ones are shining with a hidding mischief.

"You enjoy this too much." I say it as a joke, but he takes it seriously. "I do, actually. I dreamt about you making these sounds a lot more often, than I would like to admit."

At that, I gasps. "You what?" I try to concentrate on his words, but his wandering hands dont help with that. He kisses me, but now he turns us around and presses me against the car. Helping me sit on it, so he can get between my legs.

"I said" he beginns to speak and his lips find a certain spot, that makes me moan. "I want to hear all the little sounds, that escape you." My hands wander to his hair, holding it and messing with it. His hands again find the straps of my dress and when I kiss him more passionate, he slowly beginns to pull it down. First the right side until he lets go of it, so he can pull the other one down. All that, while still kissing me.

I feel myself getting lost in him, his lips are like a drug and I feel myself getting addicted. When I feel the air hitting my skin, I break apart. He looks at me, checking if I’m still okay with what we´re doing. "What do you want to do?" he holds the straps of my dress, gesturing that he wants to get me out of it. I breath, trying to know, what I want.

I come to the simple conclusion, that I do want him. Even if its just for now. So I kiss him and try to strip him out his jacket. To do that, he lets go of my dress and it falls to the floor, leaving me in my underwear. His eyes scan my body as his hands caress my skin, his finger going from my shoulders to my breasts.

Breathing heavily I look at him. "Your turn." His hands leave my body and with a teasing smile he takes off his jacket, leaving me starring at his muscles.

One of his fingers turn my head to look at him. "You like what you see?" His grin says it all. My hands find their way to touch his arms, going further down until i tuck at his shirt.

"I would like you more without it." His eyes turn dark. Swiftly he strips off his tanktop, leaving us both starring at each other. Before I can do something else, his arms direct me to him.

"You´re having second thoughts about this, sunshine?" He´s touching my necklace.

"Have you?" I look at him, seeing him smile.

"Never." His hands go to my legs, so he can lift me up and my legs hold on to his hip. I lean towards him, kissing his neck and stopping by his ear.

"What do you want to do to me?" At that, he stands up, still holding me, while opening the door of his restored car and lays me gently on the back seats. He´s hovering over me, a look in his eyes that makes me shiver. When he leans down and presses a kiss on my chest, near my neck, I try to focus on my breathing.

"I want to do so many things to you." His hands tangle in my hair, lightly tugging on it while he leans down, his lips ghost over my own.

"I want to-" his voice goes quiet, I feel his hands touching my legs, breaking them apart, so he can sit between them. "-take of your panties first. Alright?" I nod, looking up to him. Slowly his fingers find my underwear, so he can slide them down and I get out of it.

When he holds them in his hands, he puts it in his pocket, because he still wears his jeans. He starts to kiss me, leaving my mind with a relaxed feeling, going further down, kissing my chest and my stomach, eventually leaving a kiss above the one spot, thats been dying to be touched.

"I already have you this wet, how sweet of you." When his hand comes down and touches me, sliding one finger gently over my folds, I try to hold myself together.

"You dont need to be quiet. Nobody can hear you." But when I keep holding in my moans, he takes it as a personal challenge. As he leaves kisses all over my body, his finger carefully begin to speed up and I feel my walls clenching.

"God, you´re so tight. How long havent you been touched?" His mouth his hot on my skin and when he adds a second finger, I moan loudly. My eyes squeeze shut at the feeling that consumes me, I cant concentrate on a word he says.

"Already too turned on to answer me, huh? Thats a shame, because Im curious to know the answer of my question." He stops the movements of his fingers, leaving me with a needy feeling. And when I try to move, he stills my hips.

"As much as I like to see you sqirm, I want you to answer me. Can you do that for me?" I try to remember his question. "I-I havent." He rises his eyebrows in confusion. "You what?" His fingers leave my body. When I open my eyes, I realise what he has been asking me.

"I-I havent been touched like that before." His mouth opens in disbelief. "You never had a boyfriend or someone you´ve been intimitated with?" I look at the ceiling of his car. "I mean, not really. I´ve dated someone once, but we didnt reach a level, where we got to this point. So, I never did something like this." I can see the conflict in his eyes. "You´re sure, you want me to be your first?" Its sweet, that he cares.

"I- I guess so, Im sure it wont be a bad experience with you." He quietly laughs. "I hope so, but I cant get my head around the fact, that this is your first time. I mean, youre beautiful and fun to be around." He´s silent for a moment. "You know, we dont have to go all the way, right? I wont be mad, if we stop here."

I think for a moment and while my hands trace his muscles, I try to sort out my thoughts. Now that his fingers are no longer distracting me, I try to understand my feelings.

"We should maybe take it slow? I do want to get to know you better, before-" I dont have to finish the sentence, he just nods and when he smiles at me, I feel myself relax.

"That´s okay, don´t worry. I can drive you home, if that is what you want?" My eyes are searching for a sign, that he is mad. But he just gently brushes my hair aside and kisses the side of my mouth.

„I like you. That means, so we are clear here, that I want you to want me. And if thats the case, which I hope so, then we dont need to rush anything. If the time is right, who knows what will happen. Even if that means, I need to beg you to go out with me again.“

I raise my eyebrows, laughing at his words.

„You would do that?“ He shrugs, smiling at me.

„For you, I would.“

[sukiipjs]

✮ BLONDIE : PT 1

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

↳ nick sturniolo x masc reader

↳ words - 2239

↳ summary - you’ve been having a hard time realizing and accepting the fact that you’re gay, and in love with your best friend. you try to ignore the feelings but that only makes everything worse until you can’t hide it anymore.

↳ contains - swearing, angst, use of y/n, internalized homophobia, depression, crying, idk??? [READ PT 2 - PT 3]

↳ song - blondie by current joys

°:. *₊ ° . ☆ °:. *₊ ° . ° .•

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

nick has been my best friend for years, he’s always been there for me, and me there for him. we met in the first grade when he saw me alone at recess on the swings and he ran up to me, asking if i wanted to play with him and his brothers. one of the many things i love about him, hes always there, always there to help, or just be with. from that day on he’s always been my number one but honestly, i’ve been kind of avoiding him lately.

of course i don’t want to, i really really don’t want to, trust me, but i don’t want to make anything bad between us either. even though pushing him away is probably fucking things up anyway.

the thing is, for months, maybe even years now i think that i might be coming to a realization: i think i’m gay, or not gay but bi? i hate labels, i dont want to be put into a box, its honestly just hard to fit into one too. i mean i’ve had girlfriends before and i’ve liked that, but nick…

okay i might be coming to another realization: i think i’m in love with nick. and to make everything worse, i can’t even talk to anyone about this because the only person i would tell is nick, but if i told him, well i just cant, it could destroy our friendship. he’d hate me, i cant lose him.

but maybe i’m not in love with him, i mean i love nick, i always have but maybe its not love love? maybe its just me appreciating our friendship more. okay who am i kidding it’s definitely becoming more, I LOVE HIM. he’s just perfect, in general, to me, to everyone. i want to spend every moment of my life with him, i want to hug him and never let him go, i want to be with him, i just want to see him again.

i can’t even imagine what he’d say if he knew i liked him. he’d probably be disgusted, i’d ruin our friendship forever. i cant do that, i can’t risk anything like that, i need him even if that means the best thing i can do is just stay away, make up lies of why i cant hang out, slowly stop texting him, i mean maybe it's not the best thing but its either i do this and try and force these feelings down or i tell him and ruin everything. this is better, or at least that’s what i keep telling myself.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

nick 🫶

| wanna hang out today? haven’t seen you in forever, i’m boredddd

| i know i’m sorry, but i cant today, really really sorry. still not feeling good

| that’s okay, hope you feel better though 💕 if you need anything tell me okay?

| i’d rather hang out with you and get sick then spend one more second with my idiot brothers over here 💀

i stare at the message on my screen, i’m not sick, i’m just trying to be a good friend… by avoiding my best friend… sure, whatever.

i slam down my phone on my mattress, rolling over and burying my face in my pillow. muffled screams from my mouth as tears, start to pour from my eyes. every time i message him, saying i cant hang out i immediately regret it. i want to see him, i always do but again, i cant, i fucking cant. it would only make my feelings stronger and i just need to get rid of them as soon as i can so things can just go back to how they were.

fuck, here comes the spiral that ive been replaying in my head forever. do i even really like him? am i really bi, gay, straight, whatever the fuck? i don’t even know, it’s all too confusing and stressful right now. why can’t i just be me? and have my best friend with me again? actually hang out with him, see him?

all i can really do right now is continue screaming and crying into my pillow about how much of a shitty friend i’m being, great. I constantly stalk his instagram, trying to see if i do really like him and try to see what he’s up to without me, i miss him so much.

…i wish he was a girl then i would be straight and all this shit wouldn’t hurt so much. i’m not trying to say that being gay is bad, all i’m saying is that it would be easier to figure all this out if i was straight and he was a girl. i know that’s so messed up to say but i don’t know how else to put it.

if he was a girl, i’d know that i’m in love with him, i wouldn’t be so afraid to accept myself because there wouldn’t be anything to accept. i’d just be me and he’d she’d be him her, i’d get to be his her boyfriend and we’d be a happy couple. i’d be happy and i wouldn’t have to push the person i love most in this stupid world away…

i smash my face into my silky white pillowcase over and over, shaking my head as i force the sides of the pillow into my face more. i want to suffocate.

i scream into my pillow more and more. ‘i love you nick, i love you nick, i love you. i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you nick, i DONT love you… but i do, i really really do, but i cant… i really really fucking cant.’

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i stay rotting in my bed, spiraling about random shit, taking random quizzes of ‘am i gay?’ or ‘am i in love with my bestfriend?’ or ‘is it a crush?’ like i know.

soft blankets cover me, my silky pillows supporting my back as i rewatch rupaul's drag race on my computer until i finish it again, oreos and empty dr pepper cans surround me. and of course, nick always in my mind, everything reminding me of him, those stupid quizzes, his favorite show, his favorite drink. i wish he could be here, like how we used to hang out before i started ruining everything but i could be ruining it more, at least im keeping my mouth shut.

every once and a while, a message from nick pops up. him sending me a tiktok or telling me about how spacecamp is going or just something random, asking how im doing, if im still sick. most times i try to ignore him, turning off the notifications but i answer sometimes, only one or two words, maybe just an emoji, just trying to say something. i don’t want him to think i hate him or anything, i still of course love him.

the only time i ever get up from my bed is to go the the bathroom or get more food, ive been wearing the same two sweatpants alternating them and random shirts that i throw on the floor after i wear them for enough. my hair shaggy and a scratchy stubble on my face. i look and feel gross. i didnt think that forcing my best friend away and trying to figure out my sexuality could make me this depressed, who knew.

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

weeks pass of me ignoring (or at least trying to ignore) nick and weeks of screaming into my sheets and sleeping all day become more and more. i finally decide to leave my apartment and stock up on some random things that will help me rot in my room even more: coffee, chips, oreos, whatever else i might want.

as i scan the aisle for dr pepper, standing in my gray hoodie with the hood covering me and one of the two sweatpants i’ve been wearing on, i hear a voice at the end of the row calling to me, “y/n?” my head turns to see who knows me that’s here, about to see how disgusting i look and just my luck, it’s nick.

“nick” a bright smile floods my face, i haven’t seen him for what seems like forever, i look at his blonde hair with grown out brunette roots, plus that signature nose ring and star earrings, of course he looks great.

he runs up to me, giving me a warm hug as he smiles too, “oh my god i haven’t seen you in decadessss” he exaggerates, laughing at me, “you feeling better now?” i tilt my head a little, confused but then i remember my lie. “oh yeah, i am. even though i dont look it” i try to scoff a laugh, looking down at myself, excusing how ‘i dont care’ i look right now.

“you look fine.” he laughs back again, “you know… me, chris and matt were gonna go out for dinner soon, wanna come?” i can tell he really wants me to be there and i really want to but i try to push it away, still.

“uhhh, i think had something later, sorry” my small smile slowly fading as his does too, i don’t think i’ve seen his smile leave that fast. “really? we haven’t talked in weeks, i miss you” he jokes a little, but really we do miss each other.

“i know, i’m sorry, but i promise we’ll hang out soon yeah?” i try to fake a small smile, trying to make this a little better but nick still looks sad, “yeah okay, see you later then?” he looks like he hates me, he looks just annoyed, hurt. i feel terrible.

“yeah, later” i’m about to walk closer to give him another hug but he leaves, to i assume go find his brothers, before i can. i’m terrible.

i finish up grabbing my things before leaving and driving off, replaying our interaction in my head. i could’ve just went? it was one dinner, that’s all. not a big deal. but it’s too late, it would just be weird if my schedule suddenly cleared up now.

°:. *₊ ° . ☆

i make my way back to my apartment, putting my bags down on the counter before going straight to my room again, flopping down on top of the pile of blankets and stuffed animals that cover my bed.

i dig in my pocket for my phone, taking it out as i grab a blanket to pull it over my face, closing off the sun that shines through my window.

i go straight to me and nicks messages, thinking of texting him. ‘i’m sorry’ too short, plain. ‘sorry, i was wrong i can go’ feels like i’m pitying him, plus just dumb. ‘i love you’ yeah definitely not. ‘come over? sorry’ again, stupid and he can NOT see the mess i have over here.

i decide on nothing and put my phone to the side of me, burying my head into my pillows again, tears flooding my eyes again again again. it’s too much. this is all stupid and i need to get over it all. this is terrible.

i go back to my cycle of curling up in warm blankets, eating my now new oreos and dr pepper and rewatching shows i’ve seen a million times before. and obviously stalking nicks instagram, he posted a story of him and his brothers at dinner. he’s still wearing those earrings and that same beige jacket he was wearing before, and he still looks great.

i swipe up, about to message him. ‘you look great, sorry i couldn’t come’ i quickly delete it and just like the story. i need to stop trying to message him when i’m trying to ignore him.

₊ ° .☆ °:. *₊

after falling asleep shortly after i finished looking at nicks story i wake up to like five texts from who? nick, of course.

nick 🫶

| are you ignoring me?

| like did i do something or what?

| are you okay?

| can we just talk or hang out please?

| y/n?

| okay sorry actually, never mind

my heart drops, i feel so TERRIBLE. nick did nothing and i never want him to think that he did something wrong. he’s perfect.

i pick up my phone to respond but honesty i don’t know if i should… i want him to know that he did nothing but he’s right about me ignoring him… fuck this. i just ignore him, still.

i shut off my phone fast and roll to my other side, curling up my legs and staring at the small textured bumps on the off-white wall that i face. i take in every detail, trying to distract myself with something else. i spot all the tiny discolorations or stains on the wall, the way it all starts to blur when tears, again, rain out my eyes.

they drip on the curves of my cheeks and lips, my hands are tucked under my legs as he tears drop onto my sheets, i don’t bother wiping them off. they make a small circle ish shape when it hits on my bed with a darker gray on my gray sheets.

my spiraling hits again when the ridges on my wall go dark as my eyes close. why can’t my best friend just be my best friend? why can’t i just be a normal person? why can’t i just forget it all? why can’t this all just go away? why? why? why? why?

☆ °:. *₊ ° . °

taglist : @slutforchriss @mattsleftnipple03 @mattsdinosweater @ccolleenn @mixvchelle @leah-loves-lilies @sturn-wrld @redz0nez9 @cheriematt @freshloveforthefit @nickuniversity @whore4matt @txssvx @will-yummy

[showtoonzfan]

Just want to preface this by saying i love ur analysis sm- u put my exact thoughts into words when i cant verbalise whats wrong with a particular writing decision 🥲🥲

Anyway, smth ive noticed is how... little time vivzie actually spends on writing or characterizing or fleshing out her characters.

Which has to be the weirdest thing so far bc every writer and artist ive met agree that its the best part of making an oc! Its so fun to think of backstories and tie that into their current personality and generally just figuring out random details to get to know your characters!

Like, my ocs are my best friends, i know everything abt them from their trauma and childhoods, to their favourite food and music.

But time and time again she proves that her characters are at best acquaintances... the fandom fleshes out the characters so well and with so much love and care and thought that vivzie herself cant do and its just sad.

Not even mentioning the hundreds of retcons and how characters will just change personality randomly or act out of character which results in the work feeling like a fanfic of itself. (Ironic considering some fanfics have better and more consistent characterisation)

It feels like shes making it up as she goes, instead of having an actual plan. Just shoving random ideas she likes or picks up from the much more creative fandom into the 2 shows without actually stopping and thinking abt the consequences or implications.

Theres so many decisions shes made that irk me so bad... the ideas individually have potential but they either dont fit the show or have to make huge retcons and result in the plot not making any sense.

Also, ngl but she has the worst case of tell dont show ive ever seen my god 😭😭 like... you realise you have to show things instead of just fucking singing it or having a character say it??? Or is that another thing that the fandom has to do so they can convince themselves that the show has good characters??

Atp idk how to salvage the show... i keep finding more and more plotholes and unless i literally turn my brain off and only focus on haha funny dick joke or pwetty colors, these questions keep popping into my head making it a painful unenjoyable experience.

Again, if the fandom has to justify your bad nonsensical hypocritical worldbuilding then you failed. Massively.

Anyway im very sleepy rn just wanted to rant a bit bc im a writer and artist myself and it pisses me off how someone gets their show on the air and still doesnt care abt putting in effort into their plot or characters beyond aesthetics and random ideas that dont go well together...

You’re speaking facts! And it’s honestly like..kinda funny too that people who have their own OC’s can flesh them out and deep dive into their arcs/backstories ect, yet a professional showrunner who’s had these characters for YEARS can’t even give the majority of her characters flaws or quirks, or even consistency, same goes for Helluva Boss.

Viv is a really good example at letting inspired writers know what not to do when making a story and characters so at least they have that lol.

[ganondoodle]

this isnt a call out for anyone; i keep getting asked why i even post my opinions on the internet if i dont want to argue whenever i mention how tired i am of people trying to argue with me or proof me wrong

and i just ... for one its bc there are people that have told me they like hearing my opinions bc it makes them feel less alone, its validating to hear that i am not alone and i make them feel less alone (this is a big reason)

then theres the thing .. do you feel good never saying your opinion on anything and just keeping everything to yourself? be it big or small, i tried to do that for years, just trying to crawl deeper and deeper into a hole bc clearly i am the problem and should be able to deal with everything on my own, never say anything, i could be annoying, i could be a burden, and it nearly killed me; i have very few friends and i already spam them enough to feel constantly guilty

and if i did that on some private account ... what use is that, thats the same thing as not saying anything, whats the use of saying anything when no one listens, even to select few, whats the point if others cant find it, there might be people i dont know at all that would find solace in hearing my stupid ramblings about games

its true i lack self control and just tend to talk about stuff when i feel the need of talking, but is that really so bad?

correct me if im wrong but i was never of the impression that posting something on the internet automatically means wanting to debate and argue unless you specifically say or initiate it on someone elses post? like thats why i pretty much always make my own post to complain and dont go on other peoples posts of opposing views, id view the latter as an invitation to argue moreso than the former

when i post some stupid opinion (im talking about harmless personal video game opinions mind you) on my own account who am i bothering, if people agree thats great! if they dont they can just move on- i know people love to discuss and share different opinions but the the ones i most often encounter are ones where its a basically trying to start a fight over whos more right (like theres always one correct opinion to have) or just telling me i am not allowed to feel like i feel-

im aware i cant expect everyone to be able to see a differeing opinion and move on without saying anything, but when i say something, unless its specifically a question, i just do it to vent, to let my thoughts out so they dont slowly gnaw at me, maybe find validation in others also thinking like that (i know i cant also expect everyone to think that way .. i just see it as a form of politeness? sorta?); in all honesty, i dont do it to get told opposing opinions (i know thats maybe a little ... idk, selfish i guess?) bc i usually have seen or heard those already and am saying mine bc i havent seen it before or very very little- what i think is often very much not the majority so the need to say something gets greater the more i see somethign i dont agree with, like an urge to balance it? a call to see if i am alone or not? and much less so to argue or debate over something like that, im tired and exhausted at all times, and have often trouble even getting myself to draw, i dont enjoy fights of any kind, and especialyl so when its about something so completely ignorable like a game opinion i only said bc i wanted it out of my head and bc i have seen that the majority seems to be of a different one

like a sticky note on a wall, not an invitation to a political meeting?

maybe this is something i need to work on and get better at, i havent found a way that lets me get rid of my thoughts in a way that doesnt leave me feeling guilty (like spamming my friends) or to gnaw at me (not saying anything, or somewhere no ones gonna hear it)

i know im incapable of shutting up ever (though at least i got a better control over my emotions by now) and i risk accidentally seeming like im inviting people to a fight but i dont know what else to do

maybe its something i horribly missunderstood about the internet, but its my only outlet for that, i dont have anyone IRL to talk to about my interests, maybe its a flaw that needs work, maybe its just a flaw, i dont know :/

[savannahsdeath]

ELLIE WILLIAMS X JEWELRY LOVER!READER HEADCANONS

mdni please<3

warnings: 18+!! contains nsfw

writers note: i want to thank you all for all the support on my other posts!! it means so, so much to me.. i always dreamt about being a recognized creator on here and yall really make me believe in myself istgg the confidence boost🙏🙏

🌿 she buys you both matching bracelets<3

🌿 she often handcrafts accessories for you as gifts

🌿 she always helps you pick your jewels so they match your outfit even tho she has no idea about that😭her sense of style is just at a beginner level

🌿 when you are feeling down, she surprises you with a shiny new piece, knowing just the right one to cheer you up

🌿 everytime shes out with dina/jesse and she sees a shop with cute necklaces she just runs there. when jesse turns around shes already inside!! he always teases her about the fact shes literally spoiling you but she doesnt care. her excuse is 'happy wife, happy life' or smthn like that..

🌿 however she hates when you spend too much money on jewelry. like, its okay when she does, but you just cant

🌿 its because she prefers to buy you things by herself. why? its simple - you always reward her

🌿 youre hella mad at her that she always wears the same rings and that she doesnt match them with the weather, her mood and outfit like how could she be so tasteless😡

🌿 whenever shes going on a patrol you give her your bracelet or whatever<3

🌿 shes overall very happy you love jewelry because its easy to satisfy you. having an anniversary? doesnt know what to give you? a ring with some interesting history behind it !!

🌿 she obviously gave you a ring with her name engraved on it. its a simple silver one so it matches your every outfit and you can wear it everydayyy!!

🌿 you have sm of those shiny things you probably never even wore some of them sooo to prevent that everytime she buys you a new one she makes you wear it instantly. even if you keep saying 'look at me, i will look like an idiot, it doesnt fit!!' she doesnt care. she thinks youre overreacting sooo muchhh😭 because you are

🌿 one time she brought you a simple necklace that looked pretty basic and really like soft?? yk it was just so.. normal. but it was one youve always dreamt about because it has some realllyyyyy expensive things in them.

🌿 ellie randomly came up behind you and just fastened it around your neck. you were speechless. truly speechless. so instead of some 'thank you' shit you just turned around and kissed her.

🌿 she was giggling at how easy it is to please you (nah not really, she had to work extra hours to buy it but ykwim). you had no idea she buys you all these things mostly because of the way you 'thank her' for them. you always thought shes just being niceeeee

🌿 but yeah, you ended up filled by her fingers. you couldnt tell is she really that good or is it just the happiness from the gift making you feel better than usual. not like you dont feel good usually too, but this day was just something different. she barely even started and you were already soaking, moaning her name and turning into a wreck. literally, you were a whimpering mess. but she loved it (i mean, thats why she brought you that lil gift in the first place??)

🌿 you wake up next morning, your head on her chest, cleaned up and all (ellie definitely does the best after care). shes fully awake, stroking your hair with one hand and playing with your little fingers with the other. you looked up at her and she looked.. different? i mean she had that terrible smirk on her face as usually but you could tell something was off

🌿 she asked you some how are you feeling's and shi before simply saying "bad news"

🌿 you pulled away from her, leaning on your elbows, waiting for her to elaborate

🌿 "i dont know how this happened but.." she stretched her arm that was previously playing with your hair out and grabbed your new necklace from a bedside shelf. it was broken. literally cut in half.

🌿 "oh" was the only thing you managed to say as you lied back on her chest and her hand was in your hair again.

🌿 "dont worry, ill get you a new one. and this.. we can sell it.. y'know, theres a lot of people that wish to have one, even if its broken" she chuckled.

🌿 she wasnt sad at all, she just hoped you werent too. but you were. until she brought you a new one and fucked you to the point you almost passed out (this time without the necklace on)