#this isnt really related im not harming de i just want to but im too tired and it wont solve anything just temporarily feel better
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phagodyke · 5 months ago
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and now I'm upset again I fucking give up
why was I fighting for my life trying to stay awake and failing at 4pm in the afternoon and now its 1:30am I cant fucking sleep at all :^/
#whats even the point of coming on here to talk about it everything i feel exists in a complete vacuum it might as well not be real#i cant even tell what is and isnt real anymore i think im in physical pain too and thats stopping me sleeping but i dont know#no one perceives it no one knows its just me experiencing it until it alleviates or worsens#all pain is the same i dont know if its physical or just in my head bc im fucking upset over the same fucking shit im always upset over#and its never going to change bc the world is just cruel. theres no other reason anymore#one of my main triggers for the urge to self harm if a tree falls and i dont have physical injury from it did it even happen to me really#no one believes me when i try to express how i feel its constantky denied to me and i dont harm for attention ive never shown anyone scars#but i do kind of do it for attention from myself bc at least it was real at least i quantified it in a tangible form#this isnt really related im not harming de i just want to but im too tired and it wont solve anything just temporarily feel better#but ill get so upset over the same things again and again in thr future so what difference does it make in the end still no one knows#just feel so lonely why does being around other people make me feel so much lonelier im so fuckinf broken in the head#i just cant fucking express anything and i have so much shame about everything i feel and i cant believe anyone cares im too untouchable#living my life superimposed over thr stream of reality but not in it and someday ill die and ill never even have crossed paths#non eof anything im thinking even makes sense anymore j just want to sleep but i cant i just want a little comfort but i cant#the worst thing js just how much of my own fucking time all this feelinf and thinking wastes its so bitter its funny#could be spendinf these hours i feel so fucking shit every weekend engaging in hobbies and doing things i ljke but i dont injust feel shit#so sad looking back on the last decade of mental illness and how much time its wasted ik i couldnt have done anything different#but its held me so far back from everything and it still does im so tired and. LONELY!!!!!! its all been thr same for so long and goes on#nevwrmind i dont even care im going to go try sleeping again#sorry for venting again well im not actually i feel so much guilt already that being pathetic online doesnt make a difference#so 👍 ill wake up and feel better ornmaybe not but ill feel better eventually i had a good week other than the end#it all comes back around thats what makes it so funny and pointless everything is so temporary and this is where my time all goes#anyway goodnight. dont even worry abt it#.vent
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hhuta · 4 years ago
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(3D lbqfm anon) y'know after reading ur post on it i realized i a) subconsciously noticed the de-gaying and that's probably why i didn't like it and b) somehow didn't notice ANY changes despite the fact that I watched the two versions less than a week apart,,, i thought it was just the new cravat (tho i still don't like it. the old one was better) | also,,,, is it too much trouble to ask why u don't like the 3D assassymphonie? guessing smtg to do w the women | also ur opinion on 3D vaec?
where do i start with miss l'assasymphonie.. btw u can watch the video of the two versions side by side here. and my rant got wayyy too long so ill talk about VAEC in another post ldkjasl
tw: self harm/suicide mention just to be safe
im going to start with minor differences that make me prefer the 2010 version but not hate the 2011 one
first of all his dramatic soft gay sappy ass touching his heart when talking about mozarts music i like that a lot :(
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then when he sings "killing out of spite everything i create" he metaphorically stabs himself in 2010 but not in 2011
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and i love the first version because its a nice and subtle parallel between how mozarts music makes him feel like (lbqfm) vs how his own music affects him (l'assasymphonie) as i pointed out here before. this is on different levels !! the fact that in lbqfm its his inner gay demon stabbing him, representing mozart(s music) and in l'assasymphonie he stabs himself..... bc he is killing what he creates and what he creates is part of himself... so this isnt about him wanting to kill mozart its about him being self destructive... this is crazy this is just one gesture and i can go on and on about it and honestly my rant will only get more insane.
later he grabs the knife at different moments and in different ways and i think the 2010 version is more dramatic and impactful. the editing helps too, it really made me jump, its all done at the right time. but honestly both are valid to me; i feel like in 2010 hes more angry and impulsive, like its the very first time he thinks about doing something like this, whereas in 2011 he feels sad and defeated, like hes going back to a place he fought very hard to get out of and because of this one guy hes back there, but in the end he recognises its his own fault
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another minor difference that i think is worth mentioning, and honestly i like both versions, is what he does at the "senseless (or crazy) symphony" part. in 2010 he almost covers his ears cuz obviously it goes along with the lyrics in a literal sense. meanwhile in 2011 its more of a symbolic interpretation? idk how to word it but 2010 feels like hes just talking about his music and the thoughts inside his head making no sense, but in 2011 when he looks at his writs, his veins, its like he is talking about himself as a whole; a being without any meaning, who is losing his mind, and i like that too
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and this difference goes on when he talks about the "disconcerting concert"; 2010 feels like hes literally listening to it around him, his performance in 2010 is overall more dramatic lkjslkd, meanwhile theres none of that in 2011, hes too melancholic to be jumping around
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here when hes talking about his talent (or rather lack of) u can see how hes more angry in 2010 and sad in 2011 (honestly this corroborates my theory that at the beginning florent played salieri as a legit evil villain but as it went on he added more depth)
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anyways so far both versions are good to me now........ the fucking dancers............... i move away from the mic to breathe in.jpg
theres just. so fucking much going on in 2011. there are a shit ton of people moving around, the flashing lights, the constant zoom in and out, the curtains moving the background, im gonna have a stroke????? l'assasymphonie is such a heavy song, emotionally, and florents performance is amazing on its on theres no fucking need to add 100 more elements!??!? it totally takes away ur focus from salieri ....
my biggest problem is with the dancers as u guessed it cuz honestly idk why they are there, i dont understand the need. i get that they are his inner demons, but not the sexy ones, so they are there to represent his inner turmoil and add a chaos element to the performance and a parallel to lbqfm with the whole hands on salieri part, but its way to obvious that it becomes repetitive! inner demons dancing around a character happens way too much on mor; bim bam boum in a way, j'accuse mon pere, la mascarade, comedie-tragedie, si je defaille, lbqfm and now again?!!?!?!?! bitihc dlajsdlkas
and the worst fucking part to me is when salieri goes to kill the female dancer
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.....why whY... WHY.. why make the song literal like this!!! this is not what its about??!?! i know she isnt supposed to be A Person, this isnt him being A Murderer, she is him in a way but ?? we already saw him almost killing himself??!!? why repeat that, this is just so unnecessary and it doesnt sit right with me why make him stab a woman!! it makes my blood boil. it takes away all the drama from the other scene, of him with the knife on his wrist, because it is essentially the same!
now lets discuss why i prefer the lost half naked blindfolded men. is it because its gay? yes. is it because of the kinky element? yes. u see how that creates a parallel to lbqfm but in a subtle way? yes thank you.
to elaborate i feel like the 2010 dancers represent his psyche at the moment soooo much better. its not just simply his inner demons haunting him again, making it repetitive.
his is how i interpret it and how it relates to salieri:
the blindfold: god it can mean so much... above all i think its his envy and anger blinding him, making him feel lost and afraid. but it can also represent how salieri is a stern man, he only sees things one way and is blinded to other possibilities, other ways of living. because he is so narrow minded, so used to just following the status quo, he doesnt understand mozart and how his carefree way of life is working for him. he doesnt understand his conflicted feelings towards mozart. he doesnt understand how mozarts music can be so unconventional and yet beautiful, etc etc. his world was shattered and he feels lost because of this one little guy
but honestly i think the intention was to give a shoutout to amadeus lmao which is still cool. they do mention in MOR that mozart can play blindfolded so u can view as a parallel to that too
the lack of clothes: around mozart salieri feels naked but not in a sexy and fun way, in vulnerable and seen for the first time way. imagine how strongly he considered changing his name and moving countries after the whole eh bien, maestro? trop de notes? ordeal..... he was caught off guard in that situation so he let the truth out way too much, but he knows he cant fake it around mozart any other time either
their behaviour: they look afraid, lost, in pain and are constantly falling, getting up, then falling again and being pushed up against the wall by something invisible (to me its mozarts music/influence) and honestly i dont have to say anything else ! its all there !!! it represents salieris emotions perfectly !!!!!
in summary, to me the 2010 dancers dont have a lot to do with the lyrics of the song and i think thats good. they are there to add a new element to it, to let us see inside salieris head, while salieri himself is performing what the lyrics are about. so on the other hand i think the 2011 dancers are repetitive and unnecessary, not adding anything new to the performance
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