#school is making me lose my mind
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realization hitted during class and i have to dashboard this immedietly
Gabriel and Owen have the worst situationship on the faction isle's send tweet immedietly
#yes I've been inactive sorrrryyyy#i got into the trafficlife series again#school is making me lose my mind#and i believe no active pirates smp-ing yet#[ ? ]#anyways#It was a funny haha at first#but then i searched what a situationship is [ because I only heard the word last week-ish ]#... owen and Gabriel are actually in a situationship#pirates smp npcs#admin sayeth things#pirates smp gabriel#scurvyblr#owengejuicetv mention#oh yeah queud this post lol
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stranger things season one 2016 was so fucking incredible. it exists as an entirely different entity to me than the rest of the show. you literally just had to be there. to this day nothing has ever come close to the amount of universal love for a fictional story that stranger things first received. ive been chasing this high for eight years.
#ik theres a lot of young fans of this show that are teenagers rn and listen#if you were too young to watch this when it first came out I DONT THINK YOU REALIZE HOW HUGE IT WAS AT THE TIME#THE FIRST TEASER FOR SEASON TWO LITERALLY PREMIERED DURING THE SUPERBOWL#THAT ALPHABET WALL DID SOMETHING TO OUR BRAINS AND CHANGED THE WAY WE MAKE AND CONSUME SCIFI FOREVER#i genuinely believe that scene of joyce looking around at all the lights is one of the most iconic scenes in tv history#like i cant even explain it to you we lost our fucking minds over this show it was unlike anything anybody has ever seen#this was such a pivotal memory of my junior and senior year year of high school#everyone was wearing merch my teachers would gush about it in class everyone tuned in to watch the cast on fallon it was EVERYWHERE#and do not even get me started on halloween that year oh my god#it was just so fucking fun i miss it#just rewatched s1 and all i can think about is 17 year old me losing my fucking mind#its such an amazing season#i do understand why some people say they wish it stopped at season one im glad they didnt but i see where theyre coming from#stranger things#byler
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happy april fools' from your big brothers, dumbass (affectionate)
#persona#art tag#p5r#p4g#p3re#i think i'll use the tags for the specific games i've played#anyway i have a headcanon#my renren REALLY admires his big brothers and is VERY prone to being gullible around them#i mean... why whould they just lie yanno ???#this is an incredibly stupid comic#but when i first saw the p3 school emblem i laughed my ASS off#bc all i could see was the bmw logo#then i started p4 and LO WHY IS IT THE MERCEDES LOGO LMFAOOOO#like ok i know the p3 one is probs supposed to represent the moon phases#and the p4 one is probs just a Y for yatogami ?? maybe ??#but i still find it SO FUNNYYYY#anyway i need to do some reference sheets for these three#or a relationship chart or sth#that said i've only played like 2hours of p4#my headcanons arent anything to do with real canon tbh#i am making them my ocs now and you cant do anything to stop me#I SWEAR if i get any comments that are like#UHM AKSHULLY JOKER KNOWS THE OTHER TWO SCHOOLS or something#i am going to lose my mind#this is a joke and joker is there to do the setup for the joke#HENCE HIS NAME LOL
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couple of mello + near doodles
#death note#mello#mihael keehl#near#nate river#meronia#bright colors#eyestrain#been having fun w colors recently :3#these are the product of me really really really not wanting to do some discussion boards#like i don’t even hate discussion boards but something about them has been filling me with dread i’d rather just do exams tbh#i'm like dragging myself through the rest of this semester but it's different from last semester last semester i was losing my mind#this semester i've been able to sleep more than 4 hours a night and go outside bc it's not freezing but also i'm just so fucking done#with school i've been here too long i'm tired but i'm always tired and will always be tired it's tragic honestly i think i'd be more cool#with school if i weren't living how i am rn w my family but eh i don't have the money to move out so it's whatever and it doesn't really#help that i know i'll have to get at least a master's to really do anything in my field and the though of doing more of this makes#me so tired i think i might take a gap year after i get my bachelors this fall idk#anyways enjoy my doodles or don't if you don't want to i'm not the boss of you
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gonna be so sad when tonight is the first preshow space with good audio and i'm asleep because i have a psych appointment tomorrow
#life update if anyone gaf we're now at the point where i know i'm getting the adhd diagnosis and yet i STILL HAVE TO WAIT#like she just isnt sure if it's adhd or add (its norway theyre not gonna update the terms any time soon just roll with it)#and im just like. girl i don't give a fuck#its been so many years i cant do this anymore#we've talked to my fucking kindergarten teachers like 😭 they've investigated my entire life atp#to make sure i did in fact have all these issues from birth#because my word and my mum's word just isn't good enough i guess#like lets rely on the selective memories of random ass people ive encountered growing up this is ASININE#anyway my godmother had a 4h consultation the other day and got diagnosed on the spot#so now my mum is mad at her LMFAO#cause my mum's like. that bitch doesn't even have adhd. shes fine.#which i feel like is probably wrong but i agree with the sentiment#where is the deep dive investigation into her wholeass existence 😭#its cause she got to go private but they refuse to refer me to a private specialist so i have to keep going publuc#public#and if i go private on my own its too expensive plus the waitlist is years long#so. whatever. i guess.#man im so tired.#i will never ever ever forgive my psychiatrist from when i was 15 who said i probably had adhd but because i did ok in school its fine#and they wouldnt set the diagnosis#because the fact that i have papers from when i was 15 saying i don't have it is what's making this all so difficult#even though if you read all the papers it says i hit on EVERY SINGLE POINT#which is why the One Psych who listened to me is absolutely fuming losing her mind cause she can't understand why any of this happened#man i hate my fucking life lol
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#i never really thought about a person being a finite thing. you can see the effects of a person after they die. in the unfinished projects.#in the rooms of clutter. in abandoned closets. in pictures and in mermered phrases. and you can see time#chipping away at those things. eroding away the evidance that a person existed. clothes move into other people's closets. projects are boxed#away. and a person becomes confined to photos and memories. and thats existentially terrifying but its not a bad thing. time erodes away all#things. that's how life works. matter and energy transforms.#we arent made to last forever. i dunno. i guess im still just rattled from being home even tho ive been back a week and a half.#and my brain tends to fixate on the wrong things. nearly 27 years of knowing someone eclipsed by a visual sequence lasting less than a day.#bc i just cant get over how scary it would be to die like that. to start losing control of your body. to not be able to feed yourself or get#to the bathroom. to have your mind be overcome by the toxins building up in your mangled and broken body.#and it could have been worse. it could have been a lot worse. but its still not fair. theres no good way to die. i dunno. i guess i just#miss my mom in some abstract way but i find it more viscerally upsetting to think about the people that have to deal with her absence.#it makes me sad that my dad is alone now. i dunno. grief doesnt feel like i thought it would. most of the time i dont even know what im#crying about. its undirected. it doesnt feel like: i miss you. it feels like: youre gone. how can you be gone? why does everything feel the#same? and its not that it doesnt make sense. its that nothings changed. the terror of that.#and im walking around in an acumulation of my dead mother's clothes. and no one knows. theyll never know.#and there's nothing to be done about it. so it goes.#i guess im just sad. and its hard to breathe at the thought of returning to school at the end of August.#unrelated
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oh i was just reminded that u can go to school abroad
#chat do we think going to school abroad would make me lose my mind or do we think it'd be good for me#im considering adding some schools outside of the us into my list of programs to consider#there seem to be more masters n phd programs of what i want out of the us. here i can only find a few good solid ones most r minors#and certificates n i dont care for those im going all in. ideally would be able to go straight to doctorate but not all of the programs#i rlly like will allow it w/o a masters#anyway i feel like i am terribly neurotic abt things and there is a nonzero chance that studying abroad would kill me but i also feel like#good deal of my issues stem from living w my family. which can be fixed w leaving. and programs abroad r cheaper. but also id have to get#a whole ass situation set up unless i want to stay in dorms. which i dont. but i also feel like it could be fun idk#also i keep having dreams where for whatever reason i live in australia. that has nothing to do w anything but australia sounds fun#and there's a program over there im looking into
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can there be a service for autistic people (maybe even other disabilities too) that's kind of like an aide or helper or assistant, but more of a casual friendly type thing? basically people volunteer to be paired with autistic people who don't have friends and struggle to make them and their job is to be our friend as in go places with us, play games, chat, etc. whatever friends do. but they are contractually obligated to stick with it and not hurt or abandon us, but work with us. maybe invite us to hang out with their friends. we can try different people to see who we best fit with. then maybe that person sticks with one of us and not multiple so they dont play favorites and neglect us or get overwhelmed or something.
it's a volunteer job and they don't get paid because all they're doing is being a friend and doing normal things that doesn't deserve pay lol. why should you get paid to pretend to be someone's friend? do it because you want to support someone who needs you, nit because you think it will be an easy job to make money. and friendship isn't a job. that weeds out people only doing it for money and not trying very hard or quitting when they think it's too hard and abandoning the person they were paired with. and that way it's a free service for us since most of us are poor. but they probably need to get some education as well, and we go over our own specific needs and expectations so they know what we need and expect from them, how to work with us, and what they should expect from us. they could work with counselors so if there are any problems they can't handle and are worried about us, we can get a check in or something. but generally, this would be good for very social and friendly people who like to help others and are open minded, accepting, and kindhearted. (which is getting increasingly hard to find in my experience...)
it would be hard to find the right people, but that's why it's good to have meetups and try to find the right match. because sometimes I think that, even if I dont relate to the neurotypical/allistic/abled people, it might be helpful to have someone who can navigate the social situations for me and let me just follow along and be included in things. someone I can ask to go to a convention with me and they can be my voice and keep me company and lead me, while having fun themselves. or someone who invites me to a party with their friends and let's me mostly ait in their room with their cat, but occasionally step out to listen to their conversation and laugh with them. I can absorb their fun energy and have more fun, feel included, but have the space i need, because they are willing to work with me, support me, and acccept me, my needs, and my boundaries.
other autistic or in general ND and disabled people are cool and all, but when they also struggle like I do, we end up not talking to each other becasue we don't know how or cant. we often don't get along because differences that get in the way ("im autistic and I can do that why don't you just do it too" -a real life example that I experienced) or we cant meet each other's needs or struggle with boundary issues. maybe we both need help and can't help each other. or if the other does help it burns them out so fast they are miserable (like my one friend who always has to speak for me and then shes burnt out for months after and cant even talk to me over text....we used to be so close. now we barely talk 🥲). or they don't want to do the things I want to do, like going out somewhere, and rather watch TV all day when I hate doing that.
it would be nice to have someone to consistently rely on to help me out with doing "normal" things no one else will do with me because i'm too autistic for them, or they are too disabled to deal with me. I know people aren't obligated to be my friend or do things with me. so that's why a "job" for this would be great, so someone IS more obligated to do it. because i'm so incredibly lonely and exhausted and losing my mind over having not a single person to turn to or rely on 🥲
does that make sense?????
#it would also be hard to find people who would be willing to do this since most people hate us 😭#i suppose an outgoing high masking autistic person could also apply for this if they can handle it hmmm#idk. im just losing my mind over being unable to do anything or go anywhere because i dont have a single person to do things with#😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#ive tried so hard to make friends and have burnt myself out talking to like 100 new people and got nowhere#someone just assign me a friend and make it their job#autistic#autism#actually autistic#lee rambles#neurodivergent#autism things#audhd#disablity#disabled#i can see how this would either not help or could go wrong. but im also desperate and nothing is working so what if........#BUT ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE TO GO PLACES WITH ME!!!! THEY DONT HAVE TO DO MUCH. JUST JOIN ME AND HAVE FUN?? IDK 😭#i cant take anymore small talk! i tried so hard and its making me so burnt out im doing the autism head hitting stim again#i haven't done that since i was in school! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#i just need someone i can bond with through shared activities and not need as much social work 😭😭
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oh chat it is so over for me. i am never going to be normal about this again
#this is about the butch chen post because i keep scrolling back to it and twirling my hair and giggling over that kiss drawing#but this is Also about the au it unintentionally spawned of genderbent ros meeting eachother#middle school me who would genderbend random characters and make the genderbent versions interact with eachother is back w a vengeance#the dynamics of gender w f!chen has also unintentionally become a really fun thing to explore in that au AND ITS LITERALLY BECAUSE I WANTED#-TO MAKE UP BACKSTORY TO ROTATE THE KISSING IN MY BRAIN TO#IM GOING TO. LOSE MY MIND. SAVE ME#pulp speaks
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Val Is Pretty Sure She Might Be Losing Her Mind, more at 11
#okay so y’all. do you happen to remember Alcott Boy? the guy I had a crush on from school last year (or really the whole time I’ve been in#college honestly) who had Opinions on Little Women#yeah him. anyway I thought I was over my crush on him but GUESS WHAT it’s back and worse than ever#like I only have one class with him that’s once a week but guys guys I feel like I’m LOSING MY MIND like. I’ve never felt the urge to#actually go up to a guy and say ‘hey do you wanna go out with me?’!! like I would never actually do that but the urge is most definitely#there??? and it’s not even that he’s cute (although I mean I think he’s cute) but he’s really really intelligent and funny and very notably#always willing to bring up his faith in class discussions (and this isn’t really the campus for that) and I’ve always admired him for that#(this is also the boy that looked at something I wrote in fiction class and said ‘that’s it that’s what love is supposed to be like!!’ LIKE#) and I genuinely don’t know what to do#like should I be concerned that I feel this strongly so soon after The Boy?? should I be concerned that this might just be limerance???#my roommate has been offering to talk to him for me and ask if he’s single and is it insane that I’m actually considering it???#like if I’m going to now is the ideal time—I’ve already had my class with him this week and spring break is next week#and I’m certain he would never make me feel bad if he didn’t feel the same. but if he did wouldn’t he have said something by now? I don’t#know I don’t know I don’t knooowww#but I graduate in two months and I don’t want to regret it for the rest of my life
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I am stressed, and I am on edge, and I feel like I'm actually, legitimately reaching my limit. It's kinda funny how my mom was the one to push me there
#she seems to think i have all the time in the world#but i don't think she realizes just how much of that time is spent mentally recovering from#or preparing for#something#i also don't think she realizes she is a huge part of the problem#on top of the general school and work stuff#she's been badgering me to do things for a while now#it's cleaning my room#or applying to jobs#or going to church#or reading the bible#it's always something#there's always something im not doing well enough#then she'll go behind my back and make plans involving me without telling me and then blame ME for not being considerate of those plans#she had the fucking gall to say “there's something going on that you aren't telling me”#like no shit it's almost as if any time i talk to you about something you either blow me off or turn it against me#apparently im getting pretty good at hiding when im having a shit time when im not actively trying to make sure the person knows#to the point when i had an actual panic attack before a surgery once it supposedly came out of nowhere for her#like im starting to realize just how disconnected from my life she actually is at this point and i don't think i care to fix it#i shouldn't fucking have to#i shouldn't have to deal with that on top of school. work. my social life. my finances. hygiene. self-care. etc#not when i don't think she's willing to put through any effort towards improvement#not when she's “the grown adult”#not when her reaction to me making a mistake or losing motivation for something is often along the lines of...#“do you want to end up like your father?”#im so unbelievably fucking done#im about ready to give someone more than just a piece of mind. they're about to get the whole fucking mess of a thing.#the best part? this week's all downhill from here#gobby rants
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I know why it's called a break. Because it breaks you.
#tw depressive thoughts#tw depressing stuff#tw depressive#depressing shit#tw sui mention#tw sui ideation#tw sui talk#because of the tags#if you couldn't tell already‚ school breaks make me lose my mind#i might hang myself with my scarf at this rate#or my old jumping rope‚ if i find where the hell it is#yeah‚ if I stay clean‚ I will go insane#shblur#shblrr#sh tumblr#$hblr
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oh yeah also. finally got around to reading witch hat atelier and hi hello I cannot believe that no one told me that there was yuri in there?? rip agott witchhatatelier you would love the concept of butch lesbians
#she is quite honestly doing some killua level gay yearning#'your friendship changed me and now i don't only think abt myself bc i want to help you the way you help others' etc etc#and also. sometimes u have a crush on someone and u don't know how to deal w it so you tell them to get out of ur school#also like. god. i relate to her. a normal amount#and obviously i'm losing my mind abt qifrey. also. that goes without saying tbh#and i love how thoughtful all the worldbuilding is esp w how much it's About disability#but i'm. withholding judgment on the overall themes until it gets further along bc unfortunately#i am very much swayed by some of the anti-establishment messages that like. custas is making#like. i get it. i get that magic is dangerous however. not sure gatekeeping knowledge is the way to go!#dreaming.txt#e reads wha
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oh my god ! haha . anyway a bit buzzed perhaps. anyway here's what happened on the date
#at some point i took the earrings off. the metal clanging was screaming their name too loud and it#was 6 knives to the throat and he confirmed it so. here's the kicker. you can be taught a lot and you can have their hands on your thighs#and you can kiss them but even if they pray even if they tell you about the bible looking into you like really they lost what they believed#in a pennsylvania countryside catholic schools with a protestant family since joining the london school of economics#even if they pray for you to stay the whole way even though their hair was softer than hers you think of her and he thinks of someone else#and be tells you none of it will make sense. they smile and they say what a shame you might miss the train but they hold onto you#the entirety of you - like a religion or a polite insistence or something to keep.#you learned they were used to losing everyone they felt bound to love. they said they got really good at letting go. you were told#you think he's being epistemologically#irresponsible and he tells you he carries a massive task. he tells you the responsibility is monumental#and he feels responsible for defining responsibility. he shows you songs and his poetry. my eyes feel on fire.#she doesnt know this. this is marylebone. the next station is edgeware road. everyone here looks happy and high and clear of the doors.#he says tell me when you get to the station and very especially tell me if you don't. the next station is paddington. please mind the gap#between the train and the platform. you say this to him. he says i minds the gap between you and i. i mind it so much that i need you to#come back. he says this because you kissed him briefly but you kissed him well. she says you're a good kisser but he says you have him#stunned. he asks you who decides the truth. he tells you you decide the truth without his mouth. you're fast enough to make it there before#the wheels do. this world is lit by glass and light and people with a pact to fall in love with the abstractions more than each other.#he tells you to be committed to your various intangible loves more than anyone. you both have to be. they love each other anyway.#i was supposed to find a persian poetry book with her on our fourth date except she was hours late. i found it with him. he didnt give up#he should be perfect and i should really like him.
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no no no this makes perfect sense to me @bonefall
#better bones au#moss meows#how do i make a meme of this#once again i am SO glad i didnt read DOTC past the 2nd book in middle school because like#aside from all the major fucking problems this arc has#younger me fucking loved tall shadow back then. easily my fav character from the arc.#so it kinda kills me now in the present to see how badly the narrative treats her and how it constantly demonize her disproportionately#yeah fuck you for struggling to lead because you're grieving over your brother#the SECOND family member she loses now mind you#fuck you for killing someone in self-defense after you're forcibly tossed into a crowd of cats trying to kill your entire group#man...... im bitter
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How’s life? No pressure question ofc, but if you want to share please feel free to do so with this ask :3
Eh, it doesn't feel all that great right now. I'm tired and hungry a lot, but I just have to get a routine together. My sleep has been wonky, I've been waking up too early, but I feel fine then but it also feels like I can't rest completely- I have dreamless nights mostly. And I also just get annoyed a lot, but it feels better being around people I like.
#my father is upset today too cause I couldn't hang out with him#I talked to a social worker at school a few days ago just for check in and in my opinion I still feel bad even talking to her#it's been a rough week and I'm not sure what to do except deal with it and move on#I like to draw still#I dont want to get tired of it#I mean at least I'm doing productive things like laundry and showering#I'm gonna have spaghetti today that's a good thing#I'll have clean sheets for my bed that's good too#I got presents a day earlier and that's good#I like listing the positives#It kinda gives me ideas for writing#I really wanna eat all these positive things i mean the feeling it gives me in itself#I really love the good things I don't ever want to lose them#I'm actually gonna try to make a doll bunny today#I got dug up old fabrics in my room so I can experiment with something new#I'd list more good things but I'd sound kinda weird doing that in the tags#I should probably journal again but my mind blanks when I try but I'll figure it out#I mean poetry and fanfiction is always an outlet#I gotta practice that more often#There still a ways to go in life so obviously it'll change eventually it always does#And it's only one of many weeks so I can't be too doubtful#It can't always be the worst#Feeling the same feels awful#No matter the emotion it kinda turns numb if you feel it long enough#Days are always changing though since everybody is doing different things everyday all the time#Like most say 'it gets better' eventually#I guess I can wait for a good day#I have no choice sooo I'll let whatever happen#Well technically I can make it happen#I'll feel better when I made myself dinner and cleaned my bed and put away my laundry and put on fuzzy socks and go to sleep
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