#like if I’m going to now is the ideal time—I’ve already had my class with him this week and spring break is next week

[sailforvalinor]

Val Is Pretty Sure She Might Be Losing Her Mind, more at 11

[theealbatross]

marry me (s.s.)

Plot | The 3 times Sebastian thought about marrying you and the 1 time he asked.

Tags | miscommunication, mentions of murder and poisonings, fluff, implied smut, dangerous idiots in love, fluff, 6k-ish words

A/N: sorry this took so long i went on a vacation! One of the funniest line about Ominis locking the two of them up was written by @/shinzhon in our discord server!

Series Masterlist - the rest of the chapters here

“Seriously Sebastian, how many times has it been this month?”

“It’s not my fault this time, I swear!”

“So, you slipped and somehow ended up in the Restricted Section? Is there some secret passage I hadn’t known about? Care to share to the class?” Ominis pinned him with a look and despite knowing his friend was blind Sebastian still raised his hands in surrender. Ominis sighed, there was no point really. When he had agreed to be friends with the troublesome boy in their first year he had signed up for this. It’s his fault for not seeing the mischievousness in those innocent brown eyes.

“I’m surprised,” Ominis continued as he started the trek back to their common room, the painful small talks he had with the headmaster in order to prevent anything getting sent to Solomon already fading as he got further away from the office. He could only imagine the absolute hell the old man would’ve sent their way if he had heard of his rendezvous in the Restricted Section. “It just isn’t like you.”

Sebastian scoffed, “To be in the Restricted Section? Where have you been the past year?”

“No, you idiot,” he hissed. “It isn’t like you to be caught.”

The falter in Sebastian’s steps had him raising an eyebrow, neck snapping back in accusation. “I’ve been caught once,” Sebastian reminded him quickly of the time Scribner first put the anti-Alohamora charm in the doors of the Restricted Section.

"I'm not finished," He’s hiding something. “It isn’t like you to be caught twice.”

He stopped on his track at the sound of Sebastian’s wince. “Okay, don’t be mad –”

“Oh no.”

“The new fifth-year needed some help to get in the restricted section because – well, I actually can’t tell you, she made me swear – and it’s bigger than the both of us and it was going so well! But Peeves caught just as we were about to –”

“Honestly, Sebastian, enough!”

He didn’t need to hear any of this.

Sebastian was right. Whatever great big mess that new kid was in the middle of was bigger than the both of them. And he has had more than enough on his plate trying to keep his friend out of trouble without the additional presence of another mysterious adrenaline junkie being thrown in the mix – one who was worryingly a magnet for big trouble. It was no wonder Sebastian was transfixed; he was looking at the damn mirror.

“Whatever fascination you have with that girl ends now,” It doesn’t escape him how much he sounded like a father getting in-between two lovers. He would’ve laughed in incredulity at the current situation he had found himself in if he wasn’t so bloody frustrated. “You get in enough trouble on your own, she doesn’t need to be sucking you up in her own problems.”

Sebastian makes a sound that doesn’t sound like a ‘yes, Ominis’ and the blond’s blood vessels nearly pop. He cannot believe this.

“Come on, it wasn’t like that. Honestly, she was brilliant! You should’ve been there; she took to the Disillusionment spell so quick that if we hadn’t let out guard down, we –”

“Oh, Merlin’s Beard, why don’t you marry the damn girl and the both of you leave me out of your tomfooleries!”

That would be ideal, he thinks. In a perfect world, he’s going to lock the two of them in a room and eat the key. There he would have no daily nuisances, won’t have to worry about sneaky Slytherins and the explosion of troubles they bring with them, and won’t need to suffer through Headmaster Black’s presence to get them out of it. A thankless job that brought nothing but headaches.

It was only when he was out of his blissful reverie that he realized his headache had stopped walking behind him seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

No.

“Sebastian … “

The other boy audibly flinched, his breath now irregular, and Ominis will bet all the galleons in the Gaunt’s vault that if he could see his old friend’s face would be as red as a Gryffindor’s arse right now.

He could almost cry, his palms producing embarrassing cold sweats at the absolute worst-case scenario unfolding in front of his unseeing eyes. “Please – I am begging you – not this one.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Oh no, no, no.

Suddenly, the prospect of Sebastian and this troublemaker getting together was not that idyllic. In quick successions, all possible worst-case scenario popped in Ominis head. Sebastian was bad enough, if he had someone who was equally as reckless and rash as him it would be something out of his worst nightmare.

Ominis is a good person. This can’t be happening to him.

“Sebastian, listen to me –”

With only a breeze as his answer Sebastian skipped right past Ominis and up the grand staircase. Ominis could feel the heat of his face. “No time to talk. Got somewhere to be –”

“Sebastian, no!”

Why must it keep happening to him?

Sebastian was pretty sure the house in Feldcroft has not heard Anne’s laughter in a long, long time. Yet, here you were, huddled together with his sister, whispering giggle-worthy stories about him no doubt by the way your gaze kept fluttering back to him, and lifting the dreadful ooze that has monopolized the small space since his sister’s illness.

“Nice girl,” He had nearly jumped out of his skin when he realized his uncle had been sitting on the spare bed hidden by a curtain.

“Y-Yeah,” Merlin’s beard you even got his unpleasant uncle’s favor in such a short time – a miracle worker, truly. “She’s … quite something.”

Talking to him has always been awkward.

Even before Anne had gotten sick, he found it difficult to converse with the man who looked too much but was simultaneously nothing like his gentle, kind father. And maybe it was also the childish insistence that if he had let the man into his heart, he would betray his parents – his father – that he just couldn’t let him in. It would feel too much like replacing him so he just opted in letting Solomon linger at the precipice of his life and the man was more than happy to do so.

After all, if Solomon was nothing like his father, Sebastian was everything that reminded Solomon of his dead brother. And those were holes none of them could fill for each other.

“You know, your mother was the same,” Sebastian’s eyebrows raised, never hearing Solomon talk about her till now. “When she was a 7th year I was just starting in Hogwarts and let me tell you, I had little hope for that brother of mine of ever getting her attention.”

His uncle continued to stare at you like he was seeing a ghost – the good kind – not the kind he sees when he looks at him. “She was brilliant, loved by even the firmest professors. And was always willing to hold out a helping hand, even to lost first years whose ass of a brother left to go fend for himself in the confusing moving stairs of Hogwarts.”

Even Sebastian let out a chuckle at that ridiculous image. Sometimes he forgets that even his old uncle had once been a child. The thought is uncomfortable, especially looking at the man he is now. “I always told him he was out of his mind for courting your mother but did my crazy brother listen? Absolutely not.”

Where was he going with this?

Sebastian returned his eyes back to you.

Brilliant, admirable, courageous you.

With your bright smile that feeds his ego by always shining brighter with him. The recklessness that never fails to infuriate and impress on his last nerves. The kindness you innately had in you that makes him want to wrap you up in the finest silk then lock you up in an impenetrable room so nobody else may ever touch it – so nobody else may have you.

That would be best, he thinks.

“It would seem even that insanity he had passed on to you.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened, forcing himself to take slow, deep breaths so all his blood doesn’t go to his face, unable to look at the older man. “It’s not like that,” he cleared his throat, now unable to look at you. “We’re … friends.”

“A good … companionship is built upon friendship,” Sebastian’s head whipped to this uncle as if to say ‘how would you know?’ but his uncle just grunted, shrugging before standing up to busy himself in the kitchen, calling you out to assist and telling Anne to take her medicine.

A good companionship. He knows it’s a bit too early but the thought of it wasn’t as horrifying as he thought it would be. The budding interest he had in his new friend was pushed and shoved into the deepest nook of his brain – he had more pressing things to tend to, one that was more important than discerning why he could recognize the sound of her laughter in the middle of dinner in the Great Hall.

But if he really thinks about it, takes a moment to breathe and considers it … it would be nice. She’s had research interest but with her grades and skill being a renowned curse-breaker or even an auror isn’t out of the question. If he works hard, he knows he’d be able to keep up and support her and Anne – maybe even set up an apartment in the city, they can just visit his sister when they have the chance.

Of course,he will try to encourage her to settle back down in Feldcroft if Anne still lives here but Irondale is quite beautiful too, a good place to practice flying when they have a family, let his children experience a true childhood surrounded by peace and quiet – two kids would be nice. Twins run in the family so maybe he could convince her for another one if their first pair are of the same gender. He would really like a daughter who looks just like --

 “I like her.”

“Bloody hell!” Sebastian jumped when he realized his twin sister was now right in front of him while he was deep in his embarrassing delusions. (When did the members of his family become so sneaky?) She grinned at him as if she knew exactly what had him so distracted. To avoid her piercing stare, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders as he guided her in the little nook of her bedroom where all the vials full of her medicines were stored.

“I knew you would. ‘s why I brought her here.”

“Oh?” Anne nonchalantly drank a disgusting-looking fluid in one gulp. “So, it wasn’t cause you wanted to monopolize her and get ahead of your competition back at Hogwarts?”

Sebastian gawked, his entire body heating up from the accusation. “What – no, it’s not – I thought she would cheer you up!”

He quickly took a quick peek at the corner, relieved that you were too busy charming his uncle off to hear such absurd allegations against him. He wouldn’t want you to get the wrong impression of him at all. After all, for how wondrous those visions are, he puts your friendship on a pedestal above anything else.

He thinks he’ll be more than content to be just your friend. Maybe.

“How gracious of you, brother,” Anne smirked, in this light it was almost like the old Anne.

Sebastian smirked at her, masking indifference, “I try.”

He should’ve known. Anne would be the one who might just see through all of him, even the things he likes to keep from his head. Even his most impossible dreams of cozy cottages and soft days.

“Sebastian!” The twins straightened up at your voice, both felt like they had been caught red-handed as you cheerfully rounded the corner. “Oh, was I interrupting –”

“No, not at all!” Anne pushed Sebastian firmly, making him stumble and catch himself just as he was about to crash into you. The proximity forces him to stare as your eyes crinkled when you smiled. He stops breathing.

You’ll look dazzling in white; he thinks.

“Your uncle told me your neighbor had some mint in their garden, said you could help me find it? It would go well with the juice.”

Sebastian’s eyes fell to your lips as you spoke before physically ripping his eyes out to look at your eyes, nodding, as his brain tried to keep up between his imagination and the reality of your face in front of his.  You grinned, already walking towards the door. He lets out a breath, the faint traces of your perfume that he gave you wafting an enchanting trail that kept his gaze on your retreating back.

“Get on with it,” Anne pushed him again and this time he gave her his deadliest glare as he followed after you. “You can’t hide her in Feldcroft forever.”

“Zip it.”

Solomon stood next to Anne as they stared at the two sweethearts in their own worlds as they made an adventure out of the small trip. Anne couldn’t help but giggle when Sebastian tripped because he was too busy looking at you instead of the road.

“Are men always this stubborn and stupid?”

“No,” Solomon grumbled, heart aching fondly when in a blink he could almost see a different mirage of figures that were both familiar and strangers at the same time. “He’s just his father’s son.”

“It’s over.”

Sebastian turned his head, straying his eyes away from the night sky framed by the room’s glass ceiling to look at you.  “It’s over.”

The two of you lay down on the floor of the room of requirement, sneaking away from the graduation party to spend the last moments of your life as a student in Hogwarts together. It wasn’t intentional, you had sneaked out for a proper goodbye to the sentient room and thanked it for everything it had provided for you but, like always, Sebastian had gotten ahold of your sneaking form before you could take two steps away from his side.

Sebastian can see that the inevitability of it all is making you emotional, a Hogwarts-shaped hole already forming in the crevices of your heart. The thought of no longer having this haven to escape the world's cruel realities makes him sigh.

“I’m terrified,” your whispered confession surprised him.

His gallant darling? Scared?

“What for?”

You smiled at him sheepishly. “It feels stupid but … I’m scared of things changing. I feel like that little girl again – 15 years old and alone in this great, big world I was thrust into.” Sebastian noticed a shudder crawl over your body. “And this time I won’t have a cheeky Slytherin lad to show me around.”

Sebastian frowned, unsure if he was more disappointed at you for thinking you would lose him that easily or at himself for not nailing that the two of you were tethered forevermore in that bright head of yours.

Instead, he took your shaking hands that you tried to hide and held on to it tight.

You smiled up at him. “Promise to stay in touch?”

He could almost scoff at such an understatement of a request. Do you know I’m never letting you go?

“You’re not getting away from me that easily,” he grinned, hoping to charm the rest of your remnant fears away. “I expect weekly letters while I’m away from training.”

You scrunched your nose, which he thinks is just adorable “What? So you can brag to your fellow trainees you have a lovesick lady waiting for you at home?”

He laughed at that, eyes crinkling and heart racing, “Maybe I should keep a photo of you plastered on my wall then, really commit to the part. A pretty face like you on my walls should make me the envy of my entire group.”

Her laugh came out nervous, her grip on his hands tightened. She’s still scared.

If only he had been sorted in Gryffindor maybe then he would’ve been daring enough to say something. To fall to his knees in this room and let his forehead kiss the ground and beg you to stay with him, run away with him, marry him. To let him spend the rest of his lowly life making sure you will never be lonely again.

But the fates were cruel and for all his pretense of confidence, the gods’ honest truth is he is a coward. A coward with no prospects.

If he wants your hand he needs to prepare, to follow the plan he had mapped out since the night he had realized he would very much like to spend the rest of his life with you or die trying. He might not be worth anything for now but he’ll make himself enough.  He just needs to hold on … just two more years – it’s all he asks.

Just two years for him to establish himself, to become someone, to earn the right to ask you. He knows it will be hard, you’ll be engrossed in your own research and won’t be able to see him as he trains to be an auror. And there was always a risk of you meeting someone else but he’s already made Poppy swear to report everything to him while she accompanies you in your travels, a contingency plan for any hurdle that may put a wrench in his plans.

If all of this fails then so be it, but he won’t lose you from a lack of planning or trying.

“Why are you looking at me like that?

He didn’t realize he was staring at you while his thoughts ran wild. The dark of your eyes reflected the ceilings you had charmed with the sky of the Forbidden Forest. The dim hue of the room made you look ethereal, like a forest fairy sent to lead him to a beautiful doom. He’d follow you anywhere.

Is it too soon to tell you I love you?

Is it too late?

“Have I ever told you that you’re the only one I need?” Sebastian suddenly whispered, vulnerable.

It’s the closest thing he’ll allow himself to say for now, placating the intensity of his need to be close to you by properly laying on his side and pressing a firm hand on your cheeks as you followed his lead, your own loosely dangling on his waist.

“Don’t you think Ominis will be quite offended by that?” you teased, your fingers tracing patterns on his spine.

He couldn’t help but match your grin, “He’ll live.”

“Sebastian,” your words quiet but he moved his hand at the back of your head to pull you in closer, muffling your following words on his chest. “Promise me nothing will change?”

Sebastian’s hold on you tensed, pressing the gentlest kiss at the top of your head to silence his protests.

No, he wants to scream. Everything has to change.

He’ll change everything for you.

“I promise,” he lies.

He’s no Gryffindor, after all.

[ 5 years later ]

“I almost fucking killed you!”

You rolled your eyes, which was a bad idea considering the curse that malfunctioned in Gringott’s brought upon a gaggle of Inferis along with a mutated one that grew about ten feet tall. Before it could lunge straight at your head, Sebastian – Merlin’s beard, he was still as handsome as the day you had left Hogwarts – pulled you into him before casting a Protego followed by a Confringo, blasting the undead’s arm away.

Still his favorite after all these years.

“What? You become a bigshot Auror and forget my face?!”

With an Incendio, the rest of the Inferis were now weakened enough that Sebastian was able to finish them all in one go (bloody hell!). Giving you time to gather yourself and lash out a heavy burst of ancient magic to take care of the giant Inferi once and for all.

You wobbled from the effort but firm hands and a chest caught you. When you looked up you were greeted by a cantankerous Sebastian covered in dust and dirt.

“As if I could see your face in those ridiculous glasses you’re wearing. Is that a lizard’s eye?”

You pulled on the offending thing, turning and standing on your tiptoes to put it on him, then he could see that it helps with seeing the traps laid out around the vault. “Satisfied your inquiries, Mr. Auror?”

He pushed the glasses to the top of his head, still looking down at you with a suspicious glare. Damn him and damn the entire male race for their inability to stop growing their limbs. “I should have you arrested. Illegally breaking into Gringots? What were you thinking?”

“Please, any curse-breaker you sent this way would’ve been eaten by that curse, I barely got out with my life if not for my ancient magic.”

Sebastian’s eyebrows twitched in the familiar way when he wasn’t particularly fond of you – which usually only happens when you throw yourself in danger … like today. Old habits die hard.

“I –”

“Save it,” he raised a palm. You sucked your lips into a thin line comically – it has been half a decade since you last saw him after all, you’re not entirely quite sure If this Sebastian in front of you would hesitate in throwing his prodigal best friend into the cold stone walls of a ministry ordained prison. “You owe me.”

Before he could, you fired off a blast of ancient magic behind him, crushing the lone Inferi that was bidding its time under a rock. You smirked. “Are we even now?”

“Not even fucking close,” His face was blank, unamused. Sebastian’s patience has never been the longest but this is one of the few times his ire was aimed at you, the novelty of it would make you blush if you weren’t so guilty. “Where have you been?”

This time it was your smile that fell, eyes dropping with it in shame. Straight to it, huh.

“Sebastian … I left a lett –“

“A letter! You call that a letter?!” He guffawed, turning his back on you and started pacing just at the ledge that led to a very, very, long fall to the bottom of Gringotts. Your fingers twitched to reach out for him but you had a feeling he wasn’t particularly interested in getting mothered right now as he spiraled out the words you’re sure he had surely been holding the past years. “My dearest friend, one who fights trolls for practice and is the most wanted woman of all dark wizards in the country disappears without a trace even when I spent an entire year searching for her –”

He looked for you?

“—but oh no! All is well Sebastian, she left you a bloody note!”

You felt like a reprimanded toddler but maybe (just maybe) you deserved it. “It wasn’t my finest moment.”

Something in your words snapped the last of Sebastian’s nerve. The gall of you – to stand here like it was nothing. The days he had spent tracking you, dreading the moment he would be greeted by your corpse.

How dare you leave? How dare you leave him? Of all the people in this world you were the one who was supposed to stay on his side.

‘I’ll be back. I promise. I just need time’

He marched to where you were standing, cupping both of your shoulders so you can look at him. “I will be given an explanation.”

Instead, your eyes fell on his left hand. He followed your line of sight, the gold band around his finger making all your cruelest nightmares come true.

How did it come to this? You scoured your memories of your entire friendship – how had the two of you come from being unable to keep a single secret from each other to strangers that have too many unspoken grievances in between them?

Was this inevitable?

Finally, you gathered your strength. He did deserve the truth from you of all people. And you could truly never keep a secret from Sebastian even now – which is also why you left. The shame, the unjustified anger, the hurt in your chest when you looked at him – you couldn’t handle it.

“I … I heard from Leander.”

His frown deepened. What does Leander have anything to do with this?

“I was going to visit you on the last weekend of your training. Then Leander caught me in town and he said … he said that after you had finished your auror training you were planning to propose, that you were already looking for a ring.”

He is going to kill that orange blabbermouth fuc –

“I couldn’t – surely, you couldn’t be that daft. I … I loved you, Sebastian! And I know I’m your friend and I should’ve been there for you. And I really am – I am happy for you,” you took his hand, your gentle touch shakily running through the gold band around his ring finger as you tried to hold back the tears. It felt like it was mocking you, like it could burn a mark on your skin. “If anyone deserves to build a family it would be you. I just … in that moment I couldn’t be happy for you. I needed to remove myself from the situation and I couldn’t say goodbye – you wouldn’t have let me! I panicked and I was hurt and … I really am sorry. I’m so sorry, Sebastian.”

As humiliating as it was to say all the hurt that you were carrying with you as you traveled the world to escape your love for him it did make you feel lighter. Were you a coward? Maybe so. But you will not shame your past self for what she did out of hurt and fear. It was painful but necessary.

It wasn’t until Sebastian was cupping your face and wiping your cheeks with his thumb that you realized you had been crying.

“Darling, who did you think the ring was for?”

You blinked, “What?”

You could tell he was trying to lengthen his patience with you, clearly as he was the more emotionally stable one at the moment even though it looked like he was at the precipice of choking you. "Have I ever told you that I was courting anyone?”

The conversation was taking a turn you weren't expecting. “N-No, but Leander and Everett used to keep teasing you about the Ministry girls that was always at your tail so I just assumed …”

He raised his eyebrows, holding onto your cheeks tighter so you had to look at him. For the first time in your entire friendship, you couldn’t read him at all. “I assumed you became interested in one of them.”

He sighed, “No, sweetheart. I did not become interested in any of them.”

You frowned, still feeling the cold ring on your cheek. “Then who did you marry?”

“I’m … not married.” This time it was him who seemed to blush, actually breaking eye contact to chuckle. When he looked back at you it was like you were getting a peek of the boyish Sebastian you once knew. “I would have been if the beautiful witch I had been chasing did not disappear on me right when I was about to propose.”

His words sunk into you like molasses, the wrinkle in between your eyebrows disappearing as your eyes widened in realization. Surely, he doesn’t mean –

“I just wore it since I would’ve been wearing it either way if someone had said yes. And it’s a more effective way to ward off any hopefuls. A little white lie to cover up my bruised heart and spare their egos”

“Wait, wait –“you tried to push him away but one of his arms just wrapped around your back, pushing your chest to his. He wasn’t going to let you get away this time, if he has to cast a binding spell on you without your knowledge then so be it.

The past five years had been torture enough.

“I guess it’s what I deserved. Letting the love of my life wait around just because my pride wanted me to earn the right to ask for her hand. The Hero of Hogwarts, the brightest witch of our age – surely, I couldn’t just ask her, could I?”

The abundance of information threatened to drown your head in. Pieces of the grand puzzle that never seemed to fit right clicking and clacking in your head as you slowly pieced together the blanks in the history of your relationship because you didn’t bother to ask and he didn’t bother to say anything.

He means you right? He was going to propose to you? The bloody ring you’ve been having nightmares about was for you?!

But he had never … I mean sure you flirted here and there but it was nothing … official. No words were ever shared, no announcements, nor formality.

It was all very … murky and ambiguous.

“Hey, back to me, darling,” he gently pressed his thumb that was still holding on to your cheek. “I swear even when we’re together it’s like you’re still running away.” As if suddenly lost in thought himself he murmured, “Should I charm a chain on you, after all?”

You blinked and the dark glint in his eyes that you had only seen in his darkest moments in your fifth year disappeared, now replaced with a small cheeky smile.

“Sebastian, the ring was it – surely it wasn’t –”

“For you?” He was so close now that you could count all the freckles in his face, his lips running through your cheeks, even pressing a kiss on your temple. “Then riddle me this, my love – if not for you then who else would it be for? Hmm? Who else would I be begging to be my wife if not my most treasured friend? The one person who stood beside me through it all?”

Another kiss on your cheeks. “The only light in my life?”

The underside of your jaw. “The beautiful witch who had rudely stolen my heart when we were children then had the nerve to run away with it just as I was able to gather all the courage I had to ask for hers in return?”

He moved both of his hands to wrap around your waist, pulling and pulling and pulling as if he wanted to meld the two of you together. “Who else but you? There was and would’ve been nobody else but you.”

A shadow of a kiss at the edge of your lips. “You’re the only woman I have ever loved.”

Your heart threatens to explode.

“And you’re the only one I will ever love,” he whispered, but the quiet of the caves of Gringotts made his voice echo inside your overheating skull.

You had been aware of Sebastian’s charms when you were younger but now that he was using his pretty face and raspy voice at its full extent while professing his love for you in the murky caves of Gringotts and pieces of Inferi corpses scattered on the ground – you could almost feel your brain malfunctioning.

“I had resigned myself to a life of isolation if you had never come back,” he declared. “But you did. Why?”

He was not going to accept anything less than the truth. The intensity behind his eyes, the grip he has around you was so firm you were almost hanging off the ground. The unbearable weight of your guilt for almost driving this man to insanity even if it had not been your intention had you letting go of your defenses.

“Because I missed you,” you admitted, eyes looking straight at him to finally bare your soul. “And I couldn’t find anything the world could offer that could compare to you. Even if we just remained friends I –”

His chuckle cut you off.

“We could never just be friends,” he whispered, you couldn’t agree more. “We were never just friends. Darling, I’m not a religious man but if soulmates are real then yours and mine have always been tied to each other. And if whatever god is up there was cruel enough not to have done that then I would’ve knotted it myself.”

You giggle through your tears – you had played out so many fantasies of Sebastian’s confessions and yet now that you were living your wildest dreams it felt like your heart was trying to escape your chest.

“If you hadn’t come back, it would’ve done nothing short of killing me, you have to know that,” a ragged breath escapes him as if the mere memory of your escape were enough to cause him physical pain. “Because I love you and I have always loved you even back when I didn’t know what love is. Even when love was a mere flutter in my chest every time I looked at you. Even when I was a fool in a path to destruction I … I have always, always loved you.”

You nodded, almost gasping at the intensity of his words. “I love you too, Sebastian. So much. I would’ve always come back. I couldn’t – I would’ve honestly poisoned your wife if you had married another.”

A laugh exploded out of his mouth at your sudden proclamation, echoing through the eerie corners of the caves. “And I had more than enough daydreams of torturing any lovers you might’ve taken in your travels.” The sickly-sweet tone that contrasted such horrid words had you giggling.

“Think we should stick to each other then?” You roped an arm around his neck, letting him carry your dead weight. “Spare some poor suckers from poisons and murders.”

He grinned, leaning in closer and closer, “You always had been the one with bright ideas.”

You smiled just as he finally pressed his lips into yours. Even your wildest dream couldn’t compare to this. Sebastian’s greedy grip on your waist, his familiar scent, his taste – him. It wasn’t perfect – a bit too rough, too needy yet somehow never enough – it was better, a perfect amalgamation of your entire relationship.

“Marry me,” he commanded in between kisses, too desperate to separate from you for more than a second. “Tell me you’ll have me.”

“You’re mine,” You gasp when he suddenly turned you around and pressed you on the jagged wall of the cave. “Always been mine.”

You’ve never not been mine.

Suddenly, Sebastian ended your kisses, a whine slipping out of your throat which he placated with a quick peck before he haphazardly pulled a necklace of some kind around his neck, snapping it to let the pendant fall into his palms.

Only it wasn’t a pendant. It was a ring. The ring.

“Oh my, Sebastian,” your vision blurs with tears as he gently takes your shaking hand, slipping the beautiful jewelry on your ring finger where it shall sit forever. “It’s beautiful. I can’t wait to marry you.”

He groaned, pressing his forehead to your temple as you continued to admire the ring on your finger.

“You keep buttering me up like this and I’ll have to kidnap the first priest I see when we get out of here.”

“I wouldn’t object to that, we’ve never been one for propriety.”

“I can’t believe we had our first kiss in Gringott’s of all places,” he muttered, the vibration of his voice tickling your chest as he buries his face in it.

“That wasn’t my first kiss.”

That had his head snapping, eyes murderous at your words. "What?”

“It wasn’t yours either.”

“Huh.”

You nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact as he tries to scour through his memories.

“Remember our fight in the Room of Requirement? About the Triwizards game?”

He winced. “I’d rather not remember that.”

You shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

You settled back, knowing him well enough to know his mind was rapidly working through his memories to figure out the cryptic declaration you had confessed.

It had been frustrating when you had remembered such important event days after it happened. All it had taken was a faint whiff of Sebastian’s shampoo in your pillow in the room of requirement before you were shooting up in your bed at the memories trickling in your brain as you tried to figure out if it had been one of your more apparent daydreams only to scream when you had realized it had happened and the two of you completely forgot about it.

You had become wary of Sebastian then, staring and studying his face at any hint that he also had the luck of remembering such bold confessions from you. You aren’t sure if you were more relieved or disappointed when he showed no inkling of gaining the curse of such knowledge like you.

But at your sudden engagement to him, you believe you have suffered enough of such vexations alone. You are to be married after all which means the two of you shall share every burden from now on -- even the most embarrassing and frustrating ones.

Sebastian’s muscles locked, pushing himself up to cage you in bed as his frantic eyes widened.

You grin. He remembers.

“No fucking way.”

“Yes way.”

He slumps back down in your chest, groaning. “Are you sure you're okay with marrying a bloody idiot?”

Your body shakes with laughter. “Lucky for you, idiots are just my type.”

[johnnyloa]

₊˚⊹♡

𝒯𝒽𝑒 𝒾𝓂𝓅𝑜𝓇𝓉𝒶𝓃𝒸𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓂𝑜𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓇𝑜𝓊𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑒

Hi Guys! It’s been a long time since I’ve uploaded here on tumbler and recently I feel like coming back and sharing a few tips about improving your life. I know I used to talk mainly about manifestation but I honestly think that mental health and keeping yourself physically healthy can make such a big difference in your manifesting journey. That’s why I would like to focus on improving your daily life and definitely talk about it more.

💿☁♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡💿☁♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡💿☁♫₊˚.🎧 ✩｡

Let’s start with the basics. In the last few weeks (honestly since summer) I had the biggest problems with my sleep schedule. It was really so hard for me to fall asleep at normal time and it was the cause of me not being able to wake up on time and being late to classes everyday. It got to a point that I felt so physically unmotivated in the mornings I didn’t know what to do. Gladly now it’s over because of my morning and evening routines that I’ve created to feel better and do better. It honestly works wonders.

Let’s just assume that your whole day will go according to your morning. Even if u don’t believe that to be true, just imagine what if everything you do right after you wake up had the biggest impact on your day. How would your mornings look then? What would you do to have the best day ever? How would you manage your time? What things would you use to make waking up and getting ready the most pleasurable thing? Just try that for a few days and you will see the difference in your mood.

If your a heavy sleeper like me and it’s hard for you to get up in the morning, you should pay attention to your evening habits as well. I think one of the biggest part of ideal morning routines is a well constructed evening routine and sleep schedule. It makes your morning more enjoyable, since you don’t have to clean your room, pick your outfit or pack your bags. It’s a game changer as it makes your morning less stressful and more easygoing. So it’s good to remember that morning and evening routine go hand in hand and are not two separate things as you may think. They complete each other and work together.

Making morning/evening schedules:

I think you should make your to do lists as much aesthetically pleasing as you can. It will make you look at them a lot more and actually enjoy the process of making it. One of the best app to use for that kind of planning is Notion. It’s not only very easy to use but at the same time it has so many free features that you can easily use as you want. If your more of a lazy person and you’re not into spending your precious time on doing such lists you can download ready planners from the internet and just fill them out according to your needs. Go on Pinterest and search some examples of notion pages - I kid you not it’s so fun to make them and personalize them your gonna love it.

So what to actually put into your morning to do list? Here are some examples of my favorite things to do right after I wake up. But first you need to figure out how much time do you have before leaving your house. This way it will be less problematic to come up with how much time you can spend for example on skin care or doing your make up. There are also some essentials that I think you must allocate your time into such us making your bed (it subconsciously makes you believe that you already started doing your daily tasks and it will be much easier for you to go on with them) and other basic routine things as keeping your hygiene up as it will make you feel already good in the morning.

So one of the most important things in the morning routine are:

skin care and other basic hygiene needs

picking outfit according to the weather

packing my bag (I hate doing it the day before)

praying and setting intentions for the day

repeating some of my favorite affirmations

making myself breakfast and something to drink

When I’m done with all of those things I should be good to go. But there are actually some other things that you could do if you have more time. Sometimes if I have classes starting later than usual and I still want to wake up at the same time to keep my waking up hours streak I can do some of additional things listed below:

meditation

journaling

planning whole day ahead

deeper cleaning of my room

reading a book

taking a refreshing shower

You might also give yourself more sleep time. I don’t think it’s a bad thing although it can become that when you do it too often. So be responsible and don’t do it every morning.

My next post will be about evening routine and managing your sleeping schedule! ₊˚⊹♡

See ya! 🤍🩵

[thisnameisnotspokenfor]

I want to start by saying I LOVE your fanfic and the amount of lore you’ve built around everything, it’s just such an interesting world to experience and you’ve done an amazing job building it. Genuinely in my top three fanfics I’ve read across any fandoms I’ve been in!

IMPORTANT NOTE:

This discusses educational discussion of women’s undergarments in the context of fashion history, just in case you aren’t comfortable with it!

In chapter 29 I noticed one line that bugged me a little, so apologies for the LONG explanation here about corsets— if you already know about their actual history and not the hollywood misrepresentation of them feel free to ignore this, I just thought this could help in the future with the ball chapter especially!

““Ha,” she grinned, pulling herself upwards before she turned back to the star. “You think this is outlandish? You should see what some ladies are capable of doing while wearing a corset!”

“A corset?” he repeated.

“Yeah, it’s like a cosmetic thing that came straight outta hell, because no one down there wanted it, so now we on earth have to deal with it. “”

To start- corsets as a whole shouldn’t be demonized as much as they are in popular media since they were quite literally just the old version of bra’s— just like how there are uncomfortable ones and comfortable ones today, there were back then. I’m less here about historical accuracy but realism, because working class women wore corsets daily and they were an essential part of the everyday clothing they wore!

More accurately in this time period it would be called ‘a pair of bodies’ (later on shortened to bodice) and should have been comfortable unless poorly made and tailored. An uncomfortable corset means one of two things, it was poorly tailored like I mentioned before or the corset has been tight laced. Tight lacing only became popular in the early 1800’s and would be the beginning of corset demonization. Doctors would claim organs were being moved and fertility was being damaged (‘studies’ have been made but also debunked) hence the quickly descending popularity of them and the invention of the bra!

To put it into perspective, modern day translation would go like this:

“Ha,” she grinned, pulling herself upwards before she turned back to the star. “You think this is outlandish? You should see what some ladies are capable of doing while wearing a bra!”

(Which by the way, that’s so real, I hate mine so much)

I feel like it’s completely in character for your Asha to have a gripe with corsets, which is why I wasn’t sure if this wasn’t an intentional choice or not. Asha definitely seems like the type to strictly wear working corsets and avoid tight lacing ones like the plague.

Quick personal suggestion, since I noticed asha’s victory dress being very-ballgown like, It’s likely she’d opt for a corset of her own design similar to an Edwardian corset, which created an hourglass design not by cinching in the waist to extremes but adding volume at the hips (hip pads) instead. Ideally, an everyday corset should feel like a tight hug, not a torture machine.

Fun fact: It wasn’t uncommon for men to wear corsets as well! They were good for hiding ‘beer bellies’.

If you prefer visual learning, here’s a really engaging video that goes over the basic myths: https://youtu.be/LWYG5sQp0-E?si=LugoryF2eR_Dja83

Highly encourage you to look further into it because fashion history is so interesting and deeply reflects the political standings of each era.

Tldr: Just like modern bra’s have restricting pushup bras and comfy grandma bra’s corsets had comfy ones and tight lace ones. Asha likely would be wearing a corset too :D

It’s just a personal thing I’m very passionate about, and although im not a fashion historian I hope I gave you a general idea of what corsets are actually like if you didn’t know already 🙏

Seriously looking forward to the future chapters, this fic is a literal piece of art <3

First of all- thank you! I appreciate it!

Also, I did not know that much about corsets, (nor did I know that men actually wore them to hide 'beer bellies' that's too funny) so this was a learning experience to me! I never knew that they were actually comfortable- ((I'll be sure to look into it more!))

Admittedly, I do fine the fashion aspect to be a bit challenging because it's trying to balance the whole- medieval time period fashion vs the star fashion that you see in Asha's victory dress- along with some other things, but I will definitely go back and edit that line in chapter 29 when finished!

[bluedalahorse]

Hey! I love your YR analysis posts, thank you so much for sharing your ideas with us! :) I'd love to hear your opinion on what you think happens in August's mind that allows him to look beyond Sara's class background when date her, given his obsession with defining himself by his status social standing. Thank you!

Hi! Thanks for reading my analysis; I’m glad you like it! I’ve been dreaming of answering an ask like yours for a long time, so I’m glad you popped up in my inbox. As it happens, I have a shorter answer and then a much longer answer prepared.

So, the first part of my thesis here is that August’s attraction isn’t rational. Feelings kinda happen however they’re going to happen, and people try to rationalize those feelings and make them make sense and fit into the frames they have for relationships. You are right to notice that August has to get past some mental blocks to get to the place where he sees Sara as a dating prospect at all. But once he gets there, he rationalizes her presence in his life using frames he understands.

Now, August doesn’t necessarily see status as something he has to earn. He sees it as something he already has and is owed more of, and as something with ideals he strives to live up to. Nonetheless, as much as August clings to his status to give himself a sense of stability in the wake of family trauma, his status is constantly in jeopardy throughout both seasons. This is what makes his behavior so erratic, and why he lashes out at others.

My (potentially controversial?) sargust theory is that Sara and August are attracted to one another from the earliest episodes of season 1, even if they don’t understand that as true at first. August’s understanding of his attraction to Sara changes over time, the same way his sense of security in his status changes. How he responds to Sara is tied together with how he responds to his perceived power in any given moment.

We often think of the ruling class as being tied to old, outdated traditions, and to some extent, that is true. But from my experience of working in proximity to people of considerable privilege, one of the ways they express that privilege is in how and when they move goalposts to fulfill their desires. Those who are privileged claim the power to write the rules, but also the power to decide what the few rare exceptions to those rules are. By the time August recognizes that he’s fallen in love with Sara and is willing to commit to her, he’s also decided to rationalize her as one of those exceptions.

It’s a little easier to see the evolution of his thoughts when you break his interactions with Sara down by half-season. Luckily, I had a meta started focused on what I see as the timeline of their relationship, so I was able to take what I’d already written and modify it to answer this ask. I’m putting this behind a cut, because it’s SUPER long. But hopefully it shows the shifts in his thinking and the ways he eventually ties Sara to his philosophy of exceptionalism. Feel free to read on if you’re curious…

(Content warning for most August topics, especially in this case toxic relationship dynamics and class-based sexual harassment.)

Intro: Framing Attraction

Before we start, we have to recognize some things about the nature of attraction. First, it’s important to realize that not everyone feels attraction in the same way or at the same pace. Wilhelm and Simon fall for one another pretty quickly, to the point where Simon makes an unambiguous move on Wilhelm at the end of 1.2. For all that Simon and Wilhelm still have a lot to understand about their feelings, Sara and August are both less in touch with their feelings and what they would want out of a relationship. In Sara’s case, we see her asking a lot of questions to the other girls that shows understanding her own feelings isn’t always easy for her. (I imagine one of the ways her AuDHD manifests is alexithymia, which, haha I relate tho.) August, meanwhile, spends so much time in cycles of self-denial and self-punishment that he’s gotten used to ignoring his own needs, whether that’s emotional needs or even needs around things like food and not over-exercising his body. As a result, what occurs between Sara and August is paced and dealt with in dialogue a little bit differently than the Wilmon stuff, but it’s just as dramatic.

Second, and less comfortably, we have to acknowledge that attraction is not always accompanied by purity of intentions or emotions, and that a person’s understanding of their own attractions can be influenced by outside social structures. As a result of these structures and systems, attraction can also be expressed in ways that are laced with disdain. (Patriarchy, for instance, gives heterosexual men an abundance of sexist language and tropes to draw on when describing or addressing women, even women they’re attracted to.) Hence August calling Sara a “freak” and berating her early on in the study hall scene. This is not to agree with the idea that A Little Boy Pulls On A Little Girl’s Pigtails Because He Secretly Likes Her, because that is a dangerous and harmful idea and I don’t subscribe to it. Rather, I want to examine how societally-influenced biases shape our ability to process and act on our feelings in a healthy way.

Sara and August sit at an intersection of class, gender, and neurotype that influences how they react to one another and initially prevents them from seeing one another as potential partners. Consider that an overwhelming amount of Western history and culture includes men who harass women into relationships, spouses complaining about one another, working class women getting taken advantage of by upper class men, and just general… *waves at all of that.* As much as we want to believe we’re now in the era of the emotionally honest softboy, these sexist, classist, and ableist influences are still very much with us, and we still see the kind of nonsense that’s out there nowadays radicalizing young men into crap behaviors toward women. We don’t have to be resigned to this in our own society, but we do have to acknowledge it and how it influences August. I mean, August can’t even express his attraction to Felice without being gross and offensive about it, and she’s of his class and therefore someone his biases nudge him to see as “marriage material” at first. So how is he supposed to recognize what he’s feeling about Sara and reframe it in a healthy way?

For what it’s worth, we can see how Wilhelm’s societal programming impacts his relationship with Simon, too. It’s not just the sexual orientation stuff, but the class stuff. We can see the little moments where Wilhelm starts to drift into “we can just hook up and have it be a secret forever.” We see how he tries to make things happen with Felice (and that’s additionally nuanced, because he and Felice are also performing Gender as Hillerska defines it.) The part where Wilhelm denies being with Simon in the video on live TV is really the apex of that kind of class-based thinking, that would let him just kind of have Simon be a secret guy on the side. 

Wilhelm however, unlike August, is much more willing to actively question his biases from the beginning of the series. He protests against being at Hillerska in the first place because he doesn’t want to be surrounded by people who parrot the ideas he was raised with and validate him on everything. Wilhelm wants his views challenged, even when he is periodically tempted to slide back into the habits of the upper classes. August wants his views reinforced, because he clings to his class status and social hierarchy as something that makes him feel grounded, and that’s always slipping away from him in a way it isn’t for Wilhelm. August eventually does push past his biases and see his attraction to Sara for what it is, but things go to hell again when he tries to assimilate her into his class-bound cultural norms.

1.1-1.3: August and Sara discover each other’s existence

In the first three episodes, August isn’t trying to assert his status by pursuing Sara. Instead, he’s pursuing Felice, who he insists that he wants to marry. (Marriage is, after all, a way to keep the noble classes going.) Still, there’s little hints about his future with Sara that we should be watching for, it’s just that neither Sara nor August quite knows the vibes they are putting out just yet.

I want to start by pointing out a moment of foreshadowing during the party scene in 1.1. August is giving Wilhelm his “we could murder someone and get away with it” speech which ends in the question of “who wants to be ordinary?” The Eriksson siblings enter the party right then, and the camera cuts over to Simon and Sara together. We’re following Wilhelm’s gaze at this point, and the camera is showing us his attraction to Simon, what with the way the way Simon is surrounded by colored light, all glow sticks and casual clothes and charisma. (I love this moment because it’s an immediate visual rebuke to August’s philosophy of exceptionalism and special-ordinary dichotomy; the special can be found within the ordinary, and there is so much beauty there.) We’re in Wilhelm’s head and being pulled along into his attraction to Simon. At the same time, August is shadowing Wilhelm the same way that Sara shadows Simon. From the start, we are being primed to see these two relationships as parallel. The camera isn’t quite ready to hint at full-fledged attraction yet, but it’s telling you to get ready for that attraction to develop and track it throughout the season.

In 1.2 and 1.3 we have moments of uncomfortable subtext. Consider the moment in 1.2 where August slides up to Sara and casually asks if maybe, could he please try some of her ADHD medication?

(Crap, I saved this but I forgot who made it. If someone tells me, I’ll credit them in an edit.)

I wouldn’t call their vibe consciously flirty or anything; that’s not quite what’s happening here. Sara’s initially buried in her book the way I am when a guy tries to talk to me on the metro. (She can be feeling attraction but still find the attention unwanted, which is important to mention. These things are complicated.) Still… there is a Vibe on August’s part. I say there is a Vibe because of how Simon reacts when he sees the conversation happening. Immediately Simon rolls in and plays the protective brother and is very never talk to my sister again. Which is about the 50 mg of Vyvanse, yes. But I find it hard to believe that this is not also about August potentially hitting on Sara, and Simon being worried about that.

As for 1.3, one place where there might be subtext about Sara’s feelings is the whole to-do over lunch tables. August is gatekeeping the Erikssons’ access to lunch as a way of flexing his power, and each Eriksson reacts in a way that’s quite telling. Simon is incensed, and uses it as the springboard for a (very justified) rant. Linda isn’t bothered; she is so cheerily sure it’s all just a misunderstanding and of course they’re going to be served in a minute. Sara… is quiet and withdrawn in a way that suggests she might be embarrassed by both her brother and her mother. Simon is unwilling to accept the rules while Linda doesn’t understand them. Sara’s worked so hard to learn the social rules and fit in, and here are her family members flagrantly ignoring the rules! In front of people! In front of… a person she might be developing a crush on, but knows she “shouldn’t” be? It’s not quite there until you think about it in retrospect, but that’s why Young Royals has so much rewatch value.

To be fair, both of these scenes are operating very much in the realm of subtext rather than text (and neither of them portrays a healthy sargust power dynamic.) It’s comparatively rare to encounter a heterosexual pairing who can’t quite find the words or social structures to articulate what they are, while the same-sex pairing they’re paralleled to knows very much that they care for one another. Wilhelm may struggle to label himself, but he understands that he desires Simon. Meanwhile, August is quick to claim a label and perform heterosexuality as a political stance, but doesn’t understand how nuanced and unexpected his desires can be.

I will also remind you that August and Rousseau are the same character, and that instead of giving us an overt, literal, absolutely excruciating Sara-August-Felice love triangle, Lisa dives into the horse subtext instead. A lot of what is under-the-surface in the early part of season 1 is expressed through the horse stuff!

1.4-1.6: Realization and Recognition

The second half of season 1 marks more of a transitional period in the sargust relationship. At this point, the subtext from before is rapidly beginning to surface in the text, and Sara and August are learning more about one another and trying to make sense of what they’re feeling about each other. There’s always been a vibe hanging between them, but now is really where they start to get pulled into one another’s orbit. At first, this looks like it’s going to conform to a toxic patriarchal paradigm, but that paradigm gets twisted a bit at the end of season 1.

Naturally the first scene that marks this shift is the one in 1.4 where August looking for Felice in the stables and encounters Sara instead. August’s immediate response to finding Sara alone is to try and sexually harass information out of her, which… is definitely uncomfortable again. We’ve got to acknowledge that in order to unpack this scene.

I’ve seen a lot of people argue that the stables scene is where Sara’s attraction begins, and I’m not sure if I agree with that. Sara’s inexperienced when it comes to relationships, but I don’t think she’s so pure and naive that August’s cocky performance is what sweeps her off her feet and makes her fall for him. We also know she isn’t taking what he says at face value, because one of the questions she asks him is what he really wants. Instead, it makes infinitely more sense to me that Sara’s already been attracted to August for a few weeks and is still kind of wondering what those butterfly feelings are in her stomach, and now here’s this extra bizarre social interaction (with added kissing that Sara doesn’t consent to but may have wanted under different circumstances) for her to hang those feelings on.

On August’s end… man. Why must this boy be such a can of emotional worms? I do wonder how much something is shifting in his head as he begins to hit on Sara. Most of those shifts are happening for him subconsciously. Maybe what he’s settling on in 1.4 is that, it’s fun to flirt with Sara to assert his social dominance that way, but at that point in the narrative he doesn’t think she counts as a long-term relationship/marriage material kinda girl the way Felice does.

Here I think it’s important to remember for that for most of Western history, wealthy upper class men weren’t shamed for pursuing women of lower classes on the side of their married relationships. (Sometimes these side relationships were more or less consensual relationships with mistresses, but other times men were just taking advantage of women who worked for them, and consent was impossible.) I’m not saying that August is thinking consciously about Sara being “available” for temporary amusement because she’s working class, but I am saying that’s the historical tradition of toxic masculinity that he’s been raised in. He does not expect to be caught and dumped for kissing Sara, because unconsciously he’s absorbed the upper class patriarchal programming that doesn’t even identify this behavior as cheating. It’s just a “fun” way to get the information he wants. (Ugh.)

Tl;dr it’s important to view August hitting on Sara in the stables not as August leaning awayfrom his upper class status, but rather as him trying to assert it. Yes, he does try to get Felice into a committed relationship with him to assert his status and masculinity, but now that he’s in a committed relationship with her he doesn’t feel any more secure in his status. So now he’s pulled Sara into his whole social class deal as well. (Ugh. UGH.)

That isn’t, thankfully, where August stays. 1.6 marks another key shift in his mindset toward Sara, because it’s where August sees a genuine connection between them for the first time. When Sara goes to confront August about why he leaked the video of Simon and Wilhelm, he corners her and offers to give her whatever she wants. Sara confesses her secret desire—to be a boarder at Hillerska and become one of its elite students. August’s reaction is fascinating, because there’s almost a quality of relief to it. Part of that, of course, is because he can easily buy her off. But I think it’s also because he’s finally not alone. It’s worth remembering that August has spent most of season 1 worrying about paying his tuition and the possibility that he might get kicked out of school. As Erik tells us before he dies, August made Hillerska his entire personality as a way of dealing with the grief over his father’s suicide. Sara, who is using Hillerska to escape her own family trauma, feels similarly about it as a space where she can feel more agency, and now she’s worried that her mother will pull her out of school.

(On Sara’s part, August’s behavior has become increasingly erratic over the course of the last few episodes, and I think she’s drawn to the idea that he might need help. I covered a little of this when I talked about Sara being the special horse girl who wants to tame the troubled horse, but we also see this come out in her friendship with Felice. She wants to help Felice when they first meet! Not to mention, one of the big things Sara gets in trouble for is revealing people’s secrets. If you think about it, August has revealed the biggest secret of the series by leaking the video about Simon and Wilhelm. As pissed as Sara is on Simon’s behalf—and people forget how pissed she is, in 1.6—she also understands what it’s like to have let a secret out and regretted it. Sara’s doing rationalizing of her own.)

I don’t know how much of that runs through August’s head in an obvious or logical way, but in his gut, he’s feeling this jolt of recognition. Sara feels it too. Sara sees him, and he sees her. The magnetic pull has finally brought them together, and when she kisses him, he kisses back. We’d be rooting for these kids as they found a genuine connection, if they weren’t also covering up a horrendous and harmful crime. Sigh! And know we know we’re in for some drama in season 2…

2.1-2.3: Liminal Companionship

Season 2 begins with both Sara and August in an in-between state, where neither of them quite fits into the world they’ve been placed in. Sara’s gotten her coveted boarder’s scholarship to Hillerska, but is rapidly becoming disillusioned with the amount of wealth her dorm mates take for granted. August, meanwhile, hasn’t had to leave school after all, but is convinced he could lose his status and freedom at any minute if anyone finds out he leaked the video. They don’t really discuss this directly, but it’s clear they feel more comfortable around one another because each of them has seen a side of the other the rest of the world isn’t aware of. Moreover, given the amount of discomfort each of them is feeling at the beginning of the season, it’s understandable that Sara and August would seek out one another’s company more deliberately.

It’s in this in-between space, where August feels like he’s lost so much of his Hillerska identity, that he finally starts to recognize that Sara is someone who can hold emotional space for him. At the same time, he goes back and forth between wanting to be vulnerable with her and keeping her at a distance. He breaks down and panics in front of her, causing her to teach him deep breathing, but then runs away after. He seems to like Sara, but he’s cautious about getting too close.

Sara and August’s physical relationship is also in a liminal state at this point in season 2, somewhere between an unexpected platonic friendship and a blossoming romance. Not that anyone should have to define a relationship if they don’t want to, but it’s almost humorous to me how you have this period between 1.6 and 2.3 where Sara and August keep touching and kissing and even grinding on one another and they just… keep acting like it’s happening for the first time. Like. Do we maybe want to communicate about that? No? Yes? Omg you kids are such teenagers, stop.

Sara takes the physical lead most of the time, which is a change from the aggressive predatory gender roles we see August performing in 1.4. I don’t think August is more passive because he isn’t interested (we see the way he lifts Sara up onto his desk in 1.6, and the way he laughs to himself after Sara leaves his room in 2.2.) I personally think this is more about August’s tendency to punish himself. His establishing shots in 2.1 are all about self-punishment and self-denial—the grueling exercise, the infamous bites of kale. We also see him refusing to fight for himself when Wilhelm starts maneuvering him out of his Hillerska positions. August is starting to give up in a big way, and at first he holds Sara at arms’ length because he isn’t letting himself indulge in anything that could bring him actual joy.

For that reason, we don’t really see a reciprocal ebb and flow develop between Sara and August until 2.3, when they finally more consciously choose to do relationshippy things and decide to have sex for the first time. One thing that really stands out to me in this scene is that August is so sure he’s doomed. He is genuinely convinced at this point that the palace is going to send him to jail and brand him a criminal for life. And now that he’s lower than he’s ever been at any point in the series, he’s weirdly somehow gained the ability to show compassion for himself. This is also the episode where he throws his pills aside and pats Rousseau (his narrative shadow) on the nose. If August is doomed anyway, and he’s about to lose everything, well, why not give in to his developing feelings for the girl who likes him back even if she knows he made a terrible decision? Maybe he thinks it’s his one chance to be with her.

I don’t know if August expects that he’ll fall hard for Sara. The reality is, by the time they’re together, he already has fallen for her. Suddenly, she’s a person he’ll fight to keep in his life. Suddenly, August doesn’t want to give up anymore.

2.4-2.6: Whose Cinderella fantasy?

The first time I watched season two, I wondered if August was going to approach Sara differently after his meeting at the palace. There was always the possibility that his (alleged) new security in life would influence him to cast her aside and go back to pursuing upper class girls. Instead what we see is that August is just as devoted to Sara as before—even more devoted, in fact. He invites her to the dance so they can debut together as a public couple. He sets up his room with candles and champagne and waits for her and there’s almost marriage proposal vibes about the whole thing and we all die of second-hand embarrassment when Sara texts to say she’s changed plans. August and Sara argue at the Valentine’s dance, causing August to backslide and start scheming again, but the minute she shows up and cries at his door about losing Rousseau, he takes her in and comforts her. He buys her the horse. He refuses to snitch on her in the field when Wilhelm has a gun pointed at his chest.

Anyway. We know August has very deep feelings for Sara, and it’d be easy to say his feelings run deep enough that he no longer cares that she isn’t high class. And his feelings do run that deep. But there’s another component too, when you think about how August is envisioning his future, and how Sara is part of that future. He’s happy to have her listen in on his phone call about the ten-year plan because he sees her as part of the ten-year plan.

After August’s meeting at the palace, he no longer sees himself as the heir to Årnäs, but rather as a prince in line for the Swedish throne. A noble is supposed to serve and protect the king by making an advantageous marriage and having sons—August explains this much in 1.4 when he’s talking to Wilhelm about the Society—but the king (in August’s fantasies at least) is ultimately at the top of the hierarchy and can bend the rules to suit his will. So August marrying who he wants is really an expression of kingly power, in August’s mind. Of course he can rewrite the rules for himself and marry Sara and make her his queen. He almost says exactly that out loud, when he promises never to hurt her and frames it as a royal oath. And while August and Sara never discuss having children, I’m sure August assumes it will happen someday. (That weirdo probably has names picked out and everything.) That means he’ll be able to fulfill one of the most important duties of kingship (especially in an era where a king’s powers are mostly symbolic) which is producing an heir and keeping the monarchy going.

Anyway, I actually do think that between Sara and August, it’s not Sara who’s caught up in the Cinderella fantasy—it’s August. He really wants to be the prince who rescues her from her ordinary life of drudgery and makes her dreams come true. Why? Because August loathes himself and can’t sit with his own flaws, and it’s more comfortable to imagine himself as Sara’s princely hero than as the guy who leaked the video. And he and Sara are soulmates, in August’s mind. He sees her ambition, and sees himself in it, and he wants to reward it. I don’t think that’s something he could see himself doing as the heir to Årnäs, but maybe it’s something he can do as heir to the throne.

Implicitly I think there’s an element of competition with Wilhelm, too. Sara and August’s fight at the Valentine’s dance brings that subtext bubbling to the surface. Sara is concerned about being in a public relationship with her a royal when she saw what happened to her brother after being outed. August replies, bitterly, that he isn’t Wilhelm, and accuses Sara of just wanting sex.

It’s worth unpacking this. As viewers, we know exactly how devoted Wilhelm is to Simon. But from August’s point of view, all he sees is Wilhelm disavowing Simon on live TV and not standing by him. Keep in mind, too, that the rumors of Wille and Felice’s hookup are traveling around the school at that time, and yet Felice and Wille are not attending the dance together, probably signaling to August that either a) Wilhelm treated Felice like a conquest and then pushed her aside, or b) Felice is a gold digger who took advantage of Wilhelm for her own gain. From August’s perspective, what he’s thinking is, he’ll be more committed and mature than Wilhelm. He will be a good partner. He’s not afraid of being seen with his Eriksson sibling, who he absolutely intends to take to the dance properly and stand in posed graduation photos with and probably marry someday. August is keeping score, and he also believes in his own hype. He’s infuriated that Sara can’t see how he’s different than Wilhelm. That’s why the moment he and Sara are back in each other’s arms in 2.5, he immediately leans toward rhetoric about making her his queen and staying with her long-term. I do think he genuinely means this, but we also can’t ignore that he sees himself as better than Wilhelm for it. He’ll do an unexpected fairy tale romance of his own and he’ll do it better than Wilhelm ever did, dammit!

Now if you’re very clever (and yes, this is me trying to channel the gravitas of Abigail Thorn) you’ll notice how actively ignorant and irrational August is being. He’s constructing a narrative about his relationship with Sara that ignores their rocky beginnings. To some extent, August doesn’t have a full picture of what’s going on in Wilhelm’s head, and he’s also assuming he’ll have a lot more free will as king than would actually be true. (We see this in another way, when he tells Jan-Olof he has some ideas about how to modify the Jubilee Day speech, and gets stopped from doing so.) But it still doesn’t stop August from dreaming about being able to write the rules for himself.

Well, of course August is actively ignorant. Systems of oppression thrive on the active ignorance of those at the top. That’s exactly what allows people in August’s position to think well of themselves and genuinely see themselves as good people (who occasionally make mistakes) rather than people running a system that perpetuates wealth disparities and patriarchy and inequality.

Conclusion: The Privileges of Inconsistency and Ignorance

To sum up: I genuinely do think that August is attracted to Sara from almost the beginning of the show. At first, his warped worldview causes him to ignore or lash out at or objectify her, and overall fail to treat her with respect. When it looks like he might lose all of his power, he does have a brief window where he can see her as a fellow human being who makes him feel less alone, and discovers his feelings for her in a new light. As soon as he’s spared by the royal court, however, he becomes consumed by the fantasy of being king and rewriting the rules to make Sara his queen. Being able to cast her in that role would go against convention, but it would also be the ultimate expression of his power and agency. Other people would still have to follow the rules, but August would get to break them, because the king gets to make the rules and be the authority on everything. This isn’t, of course, what Sara wants—but part of August’s hamartia is that he assumes he and Sara are on the same page.

Maybe this isn’t a popular opinion, but it’s upsetting to me that Sara and August didn’t get to connect under different circumstances. When they work together, they work. But by god do they need some therapy and a social revolution to boot. I 99% agree with (I believe) missbolt’s post on Sara and August, where she talks about them fulfilling a deep need in one another. The one place I disagree (possibly in a very nitpicky way that isn’t really disagreement) is that I do think August sees real ambition/struggle to survive in Sara, and I do think Sara sees real vulnerability/loneliness in August. These traits are real and not illusions. Because Young Royals emphasizes choices over “innate” moral personality traits, however, what Sara and August don’t foresee in each other is the choices and sacrifices the other is willing to make. Sara is willing to put aside her ambitions to try and make things right with her brother, while August shoves away his vulnerability to try and prove to himself that he’s worthy of power within a system that’s content to just use him and toss him aside when he isn’t useful anymore.

Neither Sara nor August really expects the other to make these decisions, and that’s what drives them apart. Sara’s choice will hopefully save her and allow her to reconnect with community; August’s choice will only further isolate him and drive him toward destruction if he doesn’t check himself and change course. August could stop this cycle of self-harm if he stopped subscribing the aristocratic ideals of masculinity, but he hasn’t yet. How infuriating! The amount of sleep I have lost over this fictional character’s terrible decisions, let me tell you.

(It kills me how gendered Sara and August’s sacrifices are, too. Sometimes I just think about it and I want to scream. But I can also appreciate the well-written tragedy of it all.)

I will also say that this reading of the characters influences my reading of the show at large. It’s part of why I’m not personally in favor of the monarchy sticking around and a Prince Consort Simon future. (I get why it appeals to other people and can read others’ fics based around that, but it’s not my personal preference.) It’s also why I can’t find hotness in the idea of Wilhelm being a sort of sexy masc dom prince who orders people around and pulls strings to make things more convenient for his precious Simon. August already exists in the narrative as a cautionary tale against that kind of power dynamic! There’s more to be said here about the way you can look at August’s choices compared to Wilhelm’s, and how they are foils to one another. Ultimately, there is danger in trying to rewrite an oppressive system in accordance with one’s individual whims, even when a person imagines something as noble as romantic love as being what motivates them.

Once upon a time, I was leaving @heliza24 a comment on the Heart and Homeland draft she sent me, and I said this:

“The road to democracy is letting aristocratic boys embrace their submissive tendencies.”

And… maybe I was being a little bit facetious. But on a symbolic level I think what I meant was, Wilhelm and August both have to envision themselves in new positions, possibly even as part of a new system, if they want to do right by the people they love. Moreover, they need to think beyond the people they love, and consider the impact of their power has on the world at large. They need to learn humility, to listen, and to manage their emotions. So far, it’s Wilhelm who’s succeeding in that kind of growth, and he doesn’t win that victory by trusting in his love for Simon alone. Instead, as I pointed out in my justice meta, Wilhelm needs therapy and community and the willingness to self-examine in order to move forward. He learns to stop focusing on winning Simon’s love like it’s a prize, and focus more on being the kind of person Simon would choose to be in a relationship with, while still acknowledging that ultimately the choice is Simon’s.

Will August eventually be able learn the same lessons? Only season 3 can tell for sure. I kind of hope he can figure it out eventually, against all odds, if only so he can one day heal from his trauma. He also has to radically accept that he caused harm toward Simon, Wilhelm, and others. If August wants to get there, he’s going to have to stop subscribing to the philosophy of exceptionalism, and instead start valuing the special within the ordinary.

[sleeping-academic]

august 13th, 2024

the past few days have been kind of all over the place, but i’m looking forward to the start of the new semester next monday! i have a couple little lunch routines planned with people already, and i’m excited about the classes i’m registered for :)

today, i:

🫧 hung out with my roommates! all of us have moved in by now, and last night we watched the first few episodes of she-ra and the princesses of power together <3 it’s genuinely so nice living with people who i can be comfortable around, and i’m really excited for this year with them!

🫧 finished a book! still making my way through the unabridged journals of sylvia plath, but i had a mystery book on my kindle that i was about halfway through, so i finished that at work and started a new one. it was called i have some questions for you, and was pretty enjoyable… 4/5 stars

🫧 accepted some more high school credits, which makes me eligible to order my college ring! my university makes a big deal out of that particular tradition (among others), so i’m really excited :)

🫧 i provided moral support for @maniacalgenius as she unpacked… she repaid me with tea 🍵

goals for the week:

🫧 figure out a tag system for this blog. i’ve been kind of holding off on reblogging stuff at the moment because i don’t want to have to go back and reorganize it later, so figuring out that system now would be helpful

🫧 decide on my organization system for this semester. i’ve got a couple templates for weekly/monthly planners that i might use, but i haven’t fully decided on which yet, so i want to get those set up

🫧 finish the pages for the 7, 8, 9, and 10 of Wands in my tarot journal. that might be slightly ambitious, but i think i should have the time to get that done (although whether or not i have the focus is the real question)

🫧 plan out my morning routine for this semester! i have either work or a class at 8am every day of the week, which is… not ideal. but i’m hoping that if i get into a consistent routine and actually stick to it, it’ll be manageable… here’s hoping!

photo dump:

hozier <3 he played “nobody’s soldier” live and i about near lost my mind. such a good concert

pretty rainy landscape while driving from this weekend

media:

🎧: “shrike” - hozier

📖: everyone on this train is a suspect - benjamin stevenson

📺: criminal minds season 6 episode 19 - “with friends like these…”

[frogs00]

I meant what I said. 1-100 thank youu Ari 🫵😚

1. What’s your favorite thing in your room?

Hmmm, maybe my mouse skull, or my rock and crystal collection- My bed and my pillow.

2. how tall do you wish you were?

Like 5’3-5’5

3. What color is your hair?

Carmel-ish brown with blonde streaks I guess. Natural.

4. What’s a rare fear that you have?

I have Cupid’s bow lips which is the rarest lip type. I don’t know. I have blue eyes.

5. Are you single?

I mean yes. I was in and out of a situation-ship for a while but I left that.

6. Has your heart ever been broken?

Countless times. But if you mean by an ex-partner then also yes. I was cheated on twice and one of my partners took their life.

7. What was your favorite thing as a kid?

I loved watching cartoons and stuff. But I also loved playing in the dirt, climbing trees, swimming; stuff like that.

8. Favorite coping mechanism?

Drawing and sketching probably. Also age regression but don’t do that often.

9. What’s your favorite love language?

My love language is probably words of affirmation despite not being able to take a compliment. Showing my affection and love to others is through acts of service.

10. How often do you get nervous?

When am I not nervous?

11. If you had three wishes, would you use them?

Yes. I think I would. Not sure on what, though.

12. If you could be fluent in any language which one would it be?

Spanish. I already know French and Italian, as well as English. I’m learning Hawaiian and Spanish. But I live somewhere where Spanish is used a lot so…

13. Where do you wish to live?

I like living in California. So here but even nearer to the ocean.

14. What’s something surprising about you?

I’m incredibly smart, hard to believe, but I am freaky smart. I’m not going to elaborate but yeah.

15. When did you last shower?

Uh, like an hour ago.

16. When did you first join Tumblr?

I had an account when I was 16 but I don’t know what happened to that.

17. Do you want any tattoos? If so, where, what, and why?

No, but I plan on getting some. I’m getting a semi-colan on my wrist in a few months.

18. What’s the most prominent dream you’ve had?

I’m sitting in a burnt field, it’s super foggy, and I can’t even see like 3 feet in front of me. I’m sitting down and then a raven lands in front of me. I’ve had this dream for five years now, it’s freaky.

19. What’s your dream job?

Probably an artist of some sort. Writer, painter, or musician. Not sure.

20. What is your ideal date?

Let’s go for a drive and watch the sunset while getting h*gh and eating sandwiches.

21. What do you wish you could do better?

Focusing. That was my biggest academic downfall tbh.

22. What country would you live in if you could?

I’d stay in the United States for personal reasons. But Perhaps someplace in Canada?

23. Who’s the best person you know?

My best friend (Literally obsessed with them) + my sisters.

24. Have you ever walked into something you shouldn't have?

Me and my friend walked in on two dudes fuckin’ once…

25. What's your favorite holiday?

Halloween. Easily.

26. When have you been most embarrassed?

I don’t really know.

27. What is your favorite Halloween costume?

Shark costumes are so silly! But I was a purge doctor 3 years in a row, also Angel costumes are top-tier (whether they’re cutesy or spooky lol)

28. What are you best at?

No idea, that’s opinion based, and my opinion on myself sucks.

29. Do you know how to tie your shoes?

Yes, I do. I learned really young lol.

30. Do you have siblings?

I have a LOT of siblings. 9 in all.

31. If you could know one thing about the future what do you wanna know?

Do I have my own apartment yet? (My roommate is annoying me)

32. What’s a dealbreaker for you?

Disregarding my feelings :(

33. What's your favorite current class?

I am not in college yet, gap year lolz

34. How many people have you dated?

Uh, I'd rather not share.

35. How often do you wash your hair?

Every other shower, depending on how my hair feels on my head I might do it every day (I shower every day)

36. Do you daydream? What about?

I daydream a lot, about a lot of things. My mind is always racing.

37. Where do you go to be alone?

I go on walks to the water tower or on casual hikes when I really need to be alone.

38. Which parent do you like more?

None of them.

39. What’s the one standard you hold yourself to?

I don’t have high standards at all for others but for myself? I am not sure.

40. Who’s voice do you enjoy?

I like listening to most people talk tbh :) (I’m a listener but sometimes yap)

41. If you could announce one thing to the world what would it be?

“We are all humans just trying to get by, and if you think about it that is kind of beautiful, so get over it and start loving more, dude.”

42. What’s one thing you wanna do but haven't yet?

See a Broadway play! I love musicals!

43. What do you wish you never did?

Hurt myself because I could’ve hurt a lot of people by doing so.

44. Do you believe in life after death?

I am an omnist, at the end of the day. I believe everyone has their own truth, and if I so happen to experience life after death, then that is beautiful, and if I don’t, I’ll be at peace regardless.

45. Do you prefer a book over a movie?

Yes, I do. I love reading and always find that they are better than the movie. But I still love movies heh heh.

46. What's your favorite season?

Autumn/Fall. I like the gloom and leaves and colors. Plus I’m an October baby (+halloween)

47. What’s your favorite time of day

Golden hour or nighttime. It’s so pretty.

48. Do you have a beloved stuffed animal?

Yes…. (Two Curious George stuffed animals and a bat plushie lol)

49. When is a time you wish you acted differently?

I wish I was more precise on my hurdle jumping so I would no longer be in chronic pain due to those injuries :/

50. What’s something you wish that you never bought?

My stupid waffle iron, I never use that thing.

51. Do you have your own room?

I do, although when it’s my days of the week with my sister I share it with her ^^

52. What’s your favorite book?

I don’t have a favorite, to be honest. The Art of Starving by Sam J. Miller resonated with me deeply, though.

53. Who’s someone you hate?

I don’t hate anyone, not truly anyways. (Maybe I do, perhaps my mother or bio father and mother or… or someone who hurt me deeply…But I don’t know…)

54. What’s your best hottake?

People should be able to do whatever makes them happy as long as it doesn’t hurt others! Whether it’s cringe or not. I love all of you (Unless you hurt people or support an obviously icky thing…)

55. What’s your favorite game?

Don’t roast me but… WolfQuest Anniversary addition… It’s a comfort! Okay?

56. When’s a time you felt real genuine fear?

I have almost died a few times so…

57. Are you a morning person?

I mean, no. But I’m not like grumpy and stuff in the morning. I just don’t like them lol.

58. Do you drink enough water?

I drink SO much water.

59. How different are you from the little kid you used to be?

So, so, so different. But that little girl will be healed regardless, eventually <3

60. Do you enjoTumblr?

… Yes? It’s a silly site.

61. have you ever had a Tumblr experience that made you wanna delete the app?

No, not really. I’ve had really messed up apps but I don’t really pay any mind to them.

62. What’s your least favorite game?

I despise Bitlife. No, I won’t elaborate.

63. were you a Markiplier fan?

I was a DanTDM and StacyPlays kiddo myself, but I guess.

64. how do you respond to compliments?

I can’t. I can’t take them, they make me happy sometimes but I also will argue with you and disagree and simply not believe you so…

65. What’s something that would make you fall in love?

If they let me bite them and they pat my head. (Actually makes promises and keeps them, genuinely likes my company, actually loves me-)

66. Do you believe in marriage?

I think it causes issues a lot, especially since I’m LGBTQ+ and stuff, plus the statistics on marriage don’t lie, but yes, I do. Do what you want! <3

67. Do you have a crush on someone?

I suppose.

68. do you like Tumblr?

Yes, I do ^^

69. Were you a Voltron stan?

huh?

70. What’s your favorite ship?

Regina x Janis! (Also part-time Cady X Janis and CadyXReginaXJanis shipper tho. I love fetchen too.)

71. What’s your favorite song?

I have too many to name, so I suppose I don’t have one.

72. Do you like loud crowds?

No, they overstimulate me :(

73. Have you ever created conflict on purpose?

Nah (Unless you count fanfiction hehe >:3)

74. How do you sleep?

Terribly.

75. Do you bite your lips?

I don’t know.

76. Do you use chapstick?

Yes, I can’t stand having chapped lips.

77. Do you have any pets?

Yes! I have a puppy named Cruz and I adore him!

78. What color are your eyes?

Blue? Teal-ish? Gray? My eyes changed color a lot idk.

79. What’s something you wish you could change about yourself?

Nearly everything… but the overflowing love I have for others and my empathy is something I’d keep.

80. Have you ever had surgery?

Yes. Do not recommend it (Joking, please get necessary surgeries as they're important and improve your quality of life!)

81. What’s your least favorite animal?

I don’t have one, all living beings are important- Mosquitos, flies, leeches, tape-worms, etc.

82. What’s something that you’re really bad at?

Excepting help.

83. Do you have any Squishmellows?

Yes! I do hehe

84. Do you enjoy fast food?

Not really :\

85. Do you like soda?

Yes, I love me a soda once in a while

86. What grade are you in?

I’ll be a freshman in college soon!

87. Do you wear any jewelry?

Yes, occasionally. I have a chain I wear almost every day and have multiple piercings.

88. What socials do you use?

This and SnapChat but it’s private and for family and friends only.

89. What’s your lowest grade in school right now?

N/A

90. What’s the latest you’ve stayed up till?

I’ve stayed up over 36 hours, dude. Probably longer.

91. Did you ever have bangs?

Yes, I don’t want to talk about it.

92. What trends did you hate?

Don’t know, dude, 2020 was a dark time…

93. What’s your favorite item of clothing?

These cargo pants and they’re super comfy and match my style and they make me bappy

94. Do you like dinosaurs?

YESSSSSSS

95. What’s your opinion on body hair?

I mean, I shave, so… It’s fine, it just isn’t a pleasant feeling on MY body personally. But people with body hair are scrumptious (as are people without.)

96. What’s your least favorite time?

None? I guess I kind of despise the afternoon because work lol.

97. Do you make a wish at 11:11?

Sometimes for the sillies lol

98. Do you have your phone on military or regular?

Regular

99. Have you ever been to church?

Yes.. don’t recommend THAT experience! but to each their own of course ^^

100. Are you lgbtq?

Yes, duh! I’m Pansexual and use She/they pronouns! Among other things, I’m figuring out lol, but yes, I am.

[jmflowers]

My dash has been a bit sad lately, as if we’re all simultaneously going through a shift in our lives that’s making us feel off-kilter. So, in pursuit of finding the good in my own life…

Gratitude Challenge!

Here are 10 things I’m grateful for and/or proud of myself for accomplishing since the start of 2023 (and/or in the last year if 5 months is too short a period of time for your brain). Please feel free to play along!

1. I finished college with a 4.0GPA after 3 years of hard work. I can’t wait to walk across the convocation stage in June. (And I’m the first in my family to have a diploma from a post-secondary institution!)

2. I directed a large scene in a short film as part of the graduating class’ final production. It was difficult and exciting and we were able to work with cinema-level equipment. I’m so incredibly proud of what my team and I were able to accomplish. (3 7/8 pages in 3 hours!)

3. When I started to feel my mental health deteriorating back in February, I sought support and counselling to help myself cope. Being honest about the pressures I have been facing for years is allowing me to place necessary boundaries as those pressures resurface. Taking care of yourself is difficult in this industry, but making choices to hike and run and exercise when possible are other great ways I’ve been protecting my overall well-being.

4. I completed another large piece of fiction that required several weeks of work and attention, with additional background efforts to fully form two of my own original characters. I am really proud that they read fleshed out and honest alongside characters that are already known from the source material.

5. I became an aunt again two times over. I was able to adjust my school schedule in order to be present with E as C was arriving, and then spend the first week of C’s life with them both. Once I finished school, I made the time to go meet L as well and spend time with her mum, one of my oldest friends. My first nephew is due to arrive any day now.

6. When situations were uncomfortable, I made conscious choices to leave and excuse myself from the discomfort or actively stay and rewrite the traumatic memories that were making me uncomfortable. Having the power over my reactions in situations that make me feel out of control is wildly liberating. I look forward to working on that more as I continue to grow.

7. I’ve leaned into being vulnerable more often in the last 5 months than ever before in my life. It’s terrifying every single time and yet I keep doing it.

8. I read a book a day one week when I was feeling really anxious, as a coping mechanism. I haven’t read that fast or that consistently since I was a teenager. I can’t wait to do it again.

9. I started practicing writing amidst changing locations and constant distractions with the three sentence fic challenge (while TAing). I had a lot of fun and got some interesting stuff out of it. I’m really looking forward to writing a bunch more again, especially in less-than-ideal conditions.

10. I won a scholarship! That was elected by the teaching administration I was working alongside at my college. The money, whenever I get it, will be really beneficial to help pay off my growing debt.

Consider this a formal tagging for anyone who would like to do this, too! I’m going to call out @lacallemojada, @cuteasducks9, @slipperygaloshes, @drlaurenb, @englishstrawbie, @trying-to-get-somewhere-real, @thebroken--soul, and @heyfarfallina

[causeilikelix]

'Cause I Like You - Chapter Thirteen - Riding the Soundwaves - Two Years Later

↳ Pairing: Felix x OC / Hyunjin x OC (later)

↳ Genre: Romance, comedy, smut (eventual), slow burn, enemies (idiots) to friends (idiots) to lovers (probably still idiots), high school au, college au, non-idol au

↳ See Chapter One for summery and blanket warnings

↳ Chapter warnings: Like one (1) singular mention of being turned on

↳ Read on my A03: Here

↳ Notes: Sorry this took so long! School, work, you get it! The semester is over in two weeks and then I'm gonna write some more.

<- Chapter Twelve- Chapter Fourteen ->

“Good morning, KNU!  You are listening to 90.5 The Art, based out of the Korean National University of Arts!  I am your DJ for the next hour, Bbokdi.  Welcome to the very first installment of my brand new show:  ‘I Am Who?’  I hope we get along!  You can follow me and interact with me on Kakao talk or Instagram at @Bbokdi_whoshow.

For this show I just wanted to spend some time with you lovely listeners, play some of my favorite songs these days, and do a couple of talking segments.  I have a segment for anonymous confessions and a segment for messages you’d like to send to someone else!  Seeing as it’s my first show, I asked a few of my friends to submit some for me to read.  However, if you would like me to read something, please message me!  

I don’t want to talk your ear off right off the bat, so I’m going to play one of my favorite songs.  I’ve been listening to it pretty much non-stop all week so I’m excited to play it for you today.  So let’s get started and please enjoy this incredible moving song by Day6, and my message to you!  ‘Hi, Hello.’

...

Ah, wasn’t that lovely!  Again that was a favorite of mine from Day6 called ‘Hi, Hello’.  I hope you enjoyed it!  Once again you’re listening to 90.5 The Art and I am DJ Bbokdi with my show “‘ Am Who?’  

Let’s see, I really want to feel like I’m friends with all of you and I know that will come in time, but I wanted to introduce myself properly.  I am a freshman here at KNU and I have always enjoyed music and production, so in an ideal world I will be studying that while here.  Some of my favorite artists are Coldplay, NCT, Sam Smith, Macklemore, and of course Twice.  So, you’ll likely hear a lot of them while listening to the show!  If there’s anything else you want to know about me, please don’t hesitate to send me a message!  

Without further ado, let’s get back to the music.  I have a bunch of great songs lined up for this set including Bruno Mars, 2PM, and Imagine Dragons!”

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“... and that was ‘Mirotic’ by TVXQ!.  And honestly, what a classic.  I admit that I do like some of the older K-pop, as it honestly did set the stage for K-pop as we know it today.  

I hope you are all doing well with your midterms!  I’ve been studying like crazy all day and all night.  I thought the studying I did in high school was intense, but it’s nothing like that!  I wish you all luck on your exam week!

We’re going to go into a quick break and then we’ll be back with your favorite segment: Secret Confessions!  

...

And we’re back!  You’re listening to me! DJ Bbokdi on 90.5 The Art out of Korea National University of Art.  Now it’s time for ‘Secret Confessions’ where you guys send me anonymous messages on Kakao or Instagram and I read them over the air!  Sometimes it’s nice to get it off your chest.  This segment has really taken off since I started the show a few weeks ago!  I’m so happy you guys like it.  It makes me feel so warm inside. 

Alright, first we have a confession from ‘In My Feels’.  Well, we’re already off to a good start!  They say: ‘I have had a crush on a boy in my class for the longest time and I feel like I’m in middle school all over again!  We’re not in the same group for a project and I don’t know if he feels the same.  I like him so much and I don’t know what to do.  Help!’

Oh, we’ve all been there, I think.  Honestly, it’s been so long since I’ve liked anyone like this so if anyone has any advice, please text it in and let’s see how we can help!  I would suggest just talking to them and maybe asking about a concept you’re talking about in class.  Make sure it’s something they seem to know a lot about.  That way you can get them talking easily.  It will make him feel good about being able to help you with something he knows a lot about and you feel good because you initiated an easy conversation.  

Next, I have a message from ‘Dog Days.’  They say:  ‘Yesterday it was my turn to walk the dog, but I was so tired from school that I paid my little brother to take the dog out instead while I took a nap.  My mother got home from work a while later and thanked me for taking the dog out, but I never did!  And I didn’t correct her.’

Wow, looks like you got away with it!  I bet that feels great to say.  Alright, let’s go ahead and play a song and we’ll be right back!

...

Welcome back!  Inspired by the first message, I played ‘The Feels’ by Twice and I am unashamed to say I was dancing a little in the studio.  It’s such a fun, high energy song and it always makes me feel warm when I listen to it.  

The next confession I have is from ‘Bbokie Fan’. They say:  ‘Sometimes I go through the radio archives and listen to your old shows to help me fall asleep.  Your voice is so warm and calming and I could listen for hours!’  Well, thank you!  Oh, that is so sweet of you to say!  I hope you’re sleeping in a cold room or something cause I think if you’re sleeping somewhere warm and my voice makes you warm it might... I dunno, make it too warm?  Well, anyway, you can look forward to more shows from me!  Maybe I’ll play a few quieter songs to help you sleep better. 

Next we’ll be hearing from ‘Rainbow’ who says:  ‘I want to get this off my chest and I think you might be my safest option.  I think I’m gay, and I don’t know how to tell my family.  I’ve never had a girlfriend and I don’t want one.  I’ve only ever liked boys, but I’ve never had a boyfriend.  I’m too scared to tell anyone who I truly am.’ 

Wow, I’m honored that you told me!  Of course, your secret is safe with me.  I’ll be honest in return.  I can go either way.  I’ve liked both girls and boys but I’ve never told anyone about the boys before.  Sorry to my friends who are just learning about this!  But I don’t think it’s anything to be ashamed of.  I think that if you don’t feel safe coming out to your family, wait until you are before saying anything.  I know it’s tempting to scream it to the world, but your safety is the most important thing.  I’m positive that one day you will find like minded people and you will find someone with whom you belong.

Oh, look.  It looks like I have time for one more song before I have to sign off.  Hmm... I wonder what I should play.  Just kidding, I pre plan my playlists.  Once again my name is DJ Bbokdi, thank you for listening to the show today!  This is ‘Viva la Vida’ by Coldplay!”

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“Guys I am just floored with the support you’re giving me!  Just now my Instagram passed two thousand followers!  I never would have imagined my show getting so popular in less than a semester, but I am very happy it did! 

I have people saying they love the music I play, my advice, and how I sometimes whisper into the microphone.  My best friend always says I have a good voice for radio, so I’m glad to be putting it to good use.  I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for saying such wonderful things!

Anyway, in the last few minutes I’ve gotten a bunch of questions that I want to answer for you, so we’re switching gears a little bit!  I just got the question ‘do you have any pets?’ and the answer is unfortunately no.  I would love to adopt a little kitten or a puppy, but I am about to move in with a couple of my friends in an apartment that does not allow pets.  So maybe one day!  Until then, I satiate my desire to have a pet by going to dog and cat cafes to cuddle with them there! 

Someone also asked ‘What was your favorite memory from high school?’ and I had to think about it for a minute.  I had so many great memories in high school.  However, I would say this.  In my junior year I transferred schools and I was worried about fitting in, but right away I ran into an old friend from primary school and from there I met many of the guys I consider my best friends today.  So, I think I got lucky in that regard. 

Ah!  Sneaky!  Someone asked what my real name is!  I would have told you if I wanted you to know!  I know you’re all so curious, but part of the fun is the anonymity.  I know you all have so many more things you want to ask, but I’ve been talking forever.  So, I think it’s time to play a song! 

Honestly, I’ve been thinking about someone I knew in high school a lot.  I’ve been missing them and wondering where they ended up.  Whenever I think about high school I always think about this song.  I used to listen to it every day on the bus ride in.  It always motivated me to face the day, and I hope it can help you, too. 

This is ‘Amsterdam’ by Imagine Dragons. 

...

That last song we just heard was ‘Sugar We’re Goin Down’ by Fallout Boy.  Truly, what a classic.  I really like the era of music from about 2003 to 2010 with all of those boy bands like Fallout, Panic! At The Disco, Parachute... just to name a few.  

Gosh, you guys are swarming me with so many questions!  Today I’ve received more questions than confessions, so next week I’ll do an extra long confession segment and focus on questions today!  You know I love sharing my thoughts with you guys.

This one reads ‘What did you think of Ali Gatie’s last album?  Have you listened to it yet?’

Oh my gosh, of course I’ve listened to it!  One of the songs is on my playlist for next week.  I really think he has a unique take on...

...

... Which is why I think that is my favorite song off the album.  Oh boy, I didn’t mean to talk your ears off about that for so long!  We’re going to go through a quick little commercial break and then we’ll continue!

... 

Welcome back!  You are listening to “I Am Who?” with your favorite smooth-talking DJ Bbokdi!  For those of you just joining us, I’ve decided to mostly just answer questions today instead of doing confessions, so I’ll be reading only confessions next week! 

Just in, I got a very important question from number 3783, ‘Important! Please read!  Are you dating anyone?’ Oh!  Haha, I suppose I should have been expecting this question at some point.  To be honest, no.  I’ve gone on a few casual dates with people but I haven’t had a significant other since high school.  I haven’t been terribly interested in dating, since I’ve mostly just been focusing on University!

Next I have a question from number 8236 asking, ‘DJ Bbokdi, what is your number one hobby on the weekends?’

Oh this is an easy one!  Lately, when I have free time, I’ve been baking a lot!  Last weekend I got to try out this incredible banana bread recipe and...

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             Welcome to the show!  You are listening to 90.5 The Art and I am DJ Bbokdi.  For today’s show, since earlier this semester I did a show all with questions and then later did one with all confessions, I figured we needed a show with all music.  

You see, finals week is almost upon us and I know we all have a lot of studying to do.   Myself included!  So I’ve come up with a great relaxing playlist filled with slow songs and some Lo-Fi stuff to help you focus.  I’ll pop in to say hello a few times, but for now let’s just enjoy the music! 

Admittedly, this playlist was inspired by someone who I miss and hold dear to my heart, and wherever they are, I hope this brings them a little slice of joy.  Our first song today is a favorite of theirs called ‘Kiss Me Slowly’ by Parachute.  A part of me always knew they were romantic!  

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Welcome to the new semester at KNU!  My name is DJ Bbokdi and you’re listening to ‘I Am Who?’ on 90.5 The Art. 

Spring is in the air!  Well, kind of.  It’s still brutally cold since it’s only January but I’m honestly so excited because that means we only have two more months until cherry blossom season.  I long for the warm weather and sunny days.  I haven’t been on a decent bike ride in years so I hope to go this spring if I get the chance. 

This semester, I have a lot of great things lined up for the show and I hope you love them as much as I do!  This semester I’ll be incorporating some new things, like a mindfulness ASMR segment, where each show I’ll be reading out some phrases that will hopefully motivate you.  I also have a really exciting show planned for Valentine's Day, so please be thinking about questions and confessions you want to send to me!  If you send them now they’ll likely get lost, so just think about it and I’ll let you know when to send them!

Since it’s cold outside, I decided I wanted to share with you some warm and motivational songs to get you going.  It’s so easy to let that seasonal depression get you into a rut.  I get it, I’m the same way.  So hopefully today my show will make you feel a little bit better. 

This morning we’ll be starting off with ‘Like Ooh Aah’ from my favorite girl group, Twice!

...

Alright, that last song I played was ‘Red Flavor’ by Red Velvet.  This playlist is so warm and wholesome.  I hope that these songs are warming you up on this cold day.  I think it might snow later, so be careful wherever you’re headed!

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Good morning and welcome to the [Show] Valentine’s Day special with me!  DJ Bbokdi!  Today’s show will be composed of love songs, love confessions, and a few questions from you guys!  Typically I avoid questions that get too personal, but I figured I would make an exception today since so many of you have been asking. 

Today, we’re going to start right off with a beautiful love song to start the show!  This is ‘No Other’ by Super Junior!  What a classic!

...

Alright, that last song was ‘For Life’ by Exo.  That winter tune made me tear up the first time I listened to it!  My roommates made fun of me for it, but I don’t care a bit.  It’s just so lovely and an incredible declaration of love.  

Speaking of declarations of love, we have some lined up for our anonymous confessions!  We have a really interesting one here from ‘Playing With Fire’.  He says, ‘I like my dance partner.  We’ve been paired together in our classes for the last two semesters and with every project I fall for her more and more.  She’s beautiful, funny, and talented, and I can’t believe we’ve been so lucky to work together for so long.  Luckily, I think our teachers see that we have chemistry, but I wonder if she sees it?’

Wow, you’ve got it bad, dude.  Still, she sounds great and I’m happy for you!  Hopefully you can get up the courage to confess.  If I were you, I’d at least wait until the end of the semester.  You don’t want ruined feelings to make things awkward!  

Next I have a confession from ‘Chipmunk’.  He says, ‘I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years now, but now I see that I don’t think I’ll ever want to be with anyone else.  I want to wait until after we graduate to propose, but I don’t know if I have that kind of self control!  I think we can wait that long.’

Oh, congratulations, Chipmunk!  That’s so exciting!  I hope that you can work with her to build a happy life together.  Wow, all of these messages coming in are so happy and warm, I wish I could read them all to you!  

Okay, last one before I play another song.  This one is from ‘Lovestruck’.  They say, ‘Mina-yah!  I like you!  If you like me back, meet me at our spot and accept my heart!’ 

How sweet!  Mina-ssi, I think this was very brave of them so I hope you can give them a chance!  Honestly, for me, it’s always so hard to confess to someone and I think I’ve let a lot of opportunities slip away because of it.  So if they’re brave enough to tell you, especially over the radio, I think you could give them a chance. 

Anyway, I’m going to play a few songs and go into a quick commercial break and I’ll be back in a few!  Starting us off on this set is ‘You Really Are Beautiful’ by Choi Nak Ta!

...

Welcome back to ‘I Am Who?’ with DJ Bbokdi!  For this Valentine’s Day special, I wanted to share a little more about myself.  In general, I like to keep my identity secret and only a few of my friends know about the show.  Especially now that the show is so popular, it’s just easier for me to keep my radio life and my school life separate.  But today, because you’re all so lovely and kind to me, I’ve decided to answer a few of the more intimate frequently asked questions. 

So!  For the first question many of you have asked: ‘Tell us about your first kiss?’.  Gosh, it was so long ago.  I couldn’t have been older than twelve or thirteen.  I remember I was at school, I went to a private Catholic school that was co-ed and one of the girls had a crush on me.  This is so embarrassing, but even though I didn’t like her back I agreed to kiss her.  So during lunch we went out to the yard and behind a tree and I gave her a little peck.  Only a few seconds.  It was so embarrassing I couldn’t talk to her for weeks!  

Her crush on me went away after that, so I don’t know what that says about my kissing skills.  I like to think they’ve improved but it’s not like anyone’s given me any feedback. 

Anyways!  The next one is... oh boy... ‘Who was your first love?’  This... this isn’t really an easy answer?  I had my first love in high school but we knew each other before.  She was incredible and pretty and, in hindsight, it was love at first sight.  But it took me a while to realize I liked her.  In any case, we weren’t close or anything and she liked someone else.  She was a piece of work though, but it was fun sometimes.  While I never confessed or anything, she made it extremely clear that she wanted nothing to do with me.  Last I knew of her, she got accepted into medical school so I haven’t seen her since graduation.  

I had a chat with all my friends the other day about this, actually.  It was nice to reminisce and think about all the lovely, positive things about my first love.  I don’t think I’ll ever see her again, but it’s nice to think about her and I genuinely hope she’s doing well.

Alright, last one before another break!  You guys wanted to know if I like anyone now and the answer is... not really?  I think I’m still hanging on to some residual feelings from my first love.  Those are kind of hard to forget, you know?  But anyways, maybe one day I’ll find someone I like.  In the meantime, I have you guys!  

Okay, for the next song I wanted to play some K.Will, a true romantic classic...

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...

And that was ‘You Were Beautiful’!  I’ve been listening to a lot of Day6 recently.  I don’t know why, but their songs always hit the spot.  The instrumentals are incredible and the lyrics are always so powerful.  Honestly, I don’t know why I haven’t listened to them more.  I used one of their songs as my first song last year, but at the time I hadn’t listened to much else, but I’m glad I listen to them now!  One of my... um, friends, kind of... put me onto them indirectly and now I can’t get enough!  They honestly don’t have a bad song, if I’m being honest...

I hope that these slower songs have been helping you prepare for midterms this week!  I have literally three exams on Friday and I’m tired already.  My wrist is killing me from all the writing and the revision I’ve been doing.  I think I’ll do well, but who knows.  I just hope I won’t fall asleep during my exam.  Anyway, enough talking from me.  I wanna make sure my voice is rested for the ASMR Affirmation segment here in a few songs!  

This next one is from another artist I’ve only recently started listening to.  You guys all know how much of a connoisseur of good music I am, so I always love discovering new music.  I came across this completely by chance and I wanted to share it with you.  This is a great track from LOONA, a group who is admittedly new to me.  This is from their album [12:00], ‘Fall Again’...

...

Alright, the last song in that set was [Song] and while I’m loving all of these great songs, it’s time for ASMR Affirmations. 

If you’re just joining the show for the first time, my friends all tell me I have a really nice, deep voice for doing stuff like this.  Since I’m too embarrassed to release a proper ASMR Youtube series or something, I decided to do it in small bursts to work up my confidence.  Since the theme of my show is generally positive, I want to share warm affirmations with you to help you get through the day.  Without further ado, here we go, I’m going to whisper into the mic...

Today I will get everything done that I need to, and even if I don’t, tomorrow is another day.  

I wake up every day and I do my best. 

I am deliberate and afraid of nothing. 

I am here for a reason and I will see it through to the end. 

Failure is just another way to learn how to do the right thing. 

You all are going so amazing on your exams and I am so proud of you for sticking it out even though it is hard.  

Your dreams await you.

...

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Thank you for tuning into [Show] with your favorite DJ, Bbokdi!  I’m so thrilled to be back this semester!    

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is an absolutely GORGEOUS day to start the new semester.  Last year just whizzed right by and I can’t believe I’m already a sophomore!  Honestly, I think the fall semester is often my favorite.  Starting the semester when it's warm outside and the energy is high is my favorite.  I have some great classes lined up this semester and I have some huge projects I’m working on and, honestly, I’m just loving my youth right now.  

This show will continue on as it has.  I will share my favorite songs, your confessions, answer questions, and do some warm affirmations to start your day!  This morning, I’m just so excited so I want to start off with a bright, warm song that I’ve been obsessed with to get the mood right for the morning.  This is ‘Shivers’ by Ed Sheeran, featuring Sunmi and Jessi!

...

And that was ‘The Way I Am’ by Charlie Puth!  Hopefully, these songs are giving you the energy to start the day!  I’ve been really motivated the last few days, so I want to share it with you!  These songs have really inspired me recently.  

I want to jump into a few of your confessions because I have some great ones that you guys sent in this morning.  This is one from number ‘6348’:

‘I just moved away from my family to go to school here and follow my dream.  They all said I would regret it, but I don’t.  In fact, I don’t even miss them.  I’ve never felt more at home.’

Oh wow, I’m so excited for you!  It’s hard, I get that.  My family and I moved to Seoul so my sisters and I could get a good education, but over the summer they moved back home to be closer to my grandparents.  I miss them, but I know I belong here.  So, maybe it’s not exactly the same but we’re definitely in a similar boat.  I am so excited that you’re following your dreams!  Here’s a confession from number ‘8234’:

‘I have a huge crush on my best friend but I’m so afraid to say anything and mess it up!  We’re so compatible but for some reason, I can’t seem to take that extra step.  I don’t want to ruin a good thing.’

I think we’ve all been there, Friend.  At least, I have.  I had a crush on my best friend when I was a freshman in high school I think?  Anyways, I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time and I hope you can figure out what to do!  If it gets too bad, I would consider talking to your friend and seeing what you can do to keep up a healthy relationship.  Remember: communication is key!

Alright, last one for the day, we have a message from number ‘0392’:

‘I’ve been studying pretty much every day for years because my parents want me to succeed, but my secret is that I hate it.  I don’t want to study for a while and just live my life.  I barely was able to convince them to let me come to KNU but even now they want me to be the top student.  I feel like my life has been completely taken over by textbooks and exams and I don’t see an end in sight... I feel so burned out.’

Oh wow, I’m sorry to hear that.  Studying is hard and I am so proud of you for sticking with it even though you hate it.  I hope that soon you can take a break or talk to your parents about letting you take a break.  If you really have worked this hard, you deserve to take a rest.  Now that I think about it, I had a friend, I say friend... she didn’t like me, but anyway, she was like this.  She studied so much our senior year and she got so many nosebleeds from the stress.  My friend, you need to prioritize your health above all else.  That is what truly matters. 

Also, this is your youth!  You will never get these years back and it is so important for you to make the most of it and live your life to the fullest.  I know that’s easier said than done but sometimes that just means closing your book and drinking your tea or coffee in silence, or sitting down and listening to your favorite song a million times, or going for a walk.  

I believe in you!

...

Alright, that’s about all I have for the day, I have to get to class here soon.  We listened to some great music and I have just posted my playlist on Twitter!  Before I wrap up, I want to take care of some housekeeping!

As of tomorrow, I will be changing my Twitter handle to something a little more fitting so keep an eye open for that and...

...”

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“GOOD MORNING?  EARTH to Cha Eunbyeol!”  Jiho tugged lightly at the earbud cord dangling from her best friend’s ear.  

The girl in question sighed happily as she stared out across the bustling and busy quad.  The sun warmed her skin and her favorite radio show warmed her heart.  Jiho’s nagging was pure background noise as DJ Bbokdi whispered his final few affirmations of the day into her ear.  His rich, smooth voice covered her like warm chocolate and she sighed again.  Jiho rolled her eyes and muttered something Eunbyeol couldn’t hear, but it didn’t matter.  Not when Bbokdi was talking.  Who cared about anything else?

Her sophomore year at KNU was already off to a good start.  Eunbyeol’s dance class yesterday went perfectly and she was aptly paired with her favorite dance partner for their final project.  The other kids protested, knowing they would get a good grade that way but their professor pretended not to notice.  She and Hwang Hyunjin met in her first dance class in college last year, and while they weren’t partners right away, they hit it off swimmingly.  They helped each other with their routines and with the choreography their professor had them memorize.  Then, during the spring semester they finally got paired together properly for a project and sparks flew.  No other dance partner had ever complimented her the way he had.  His dance style was distinct and skillful and Eunbyeol wondered why he even needed to take dance classes in the first place.  

Eunbyeol only just barely managed to convince her parents that KNU was the place for her to be, and not Seoul National University.  Human anatomy and organic chemistry didn’t interest her in the slightest, so she had to go after something she liked.  No one except her was surprised when she got accepted into the school.  She, Jiho, and Jisung all got their letters on the same day and they met in the library of their high school to open them.  Eunbyeol, somehow, was lucky enough to get just enough of a scholarship to convince her parents. 

And the rest was history. 

She got good grades, had amazing friends, an adorable apartment with Jiho not far from campus, a perfect dance partner, and the warmest radio show to help her through the week.  DJ Bbokdi rambled on about something that happened to him earlier this week and she chuckled at the anecdote but finally noticed Jiho pointing at her watch. 

“What?”  Eunbyeol tugged an earbud out of her ear. 

“Don’t you have class?”

“Yeah, I have Fundamentals of Acting of all things at noon, but that’s not for a while.”  Eunbyeol waved it off and went to put the earbud back in, but Bbokdi’s voice was rudely cut off by the shrill ringing of her phone.  Hyunjin’s handsome profile picture popped up on her phone, alerting her of a call.  It was a sweet picture they took together back in March during cherry blossom season.  The pair of them smiled into the camera and Eunbyeol could forgive the interruption.  “What’s up, Jinnie?”

“Where the fuck are you?”  Hyunjin’s airy voice hissed into the phone and Eunbyeol jumped.  

“What do you mean?  I’m in the quad waiting for class?”

“We agreed to meet at the theater building so we could go in together and get a better chance at being partners for the semester.”  Hyunjin’s pout could be heard through the phone. 

“Yeah, and I’m going to go!  Class isn’t for an hour.”

“You idiot!  It’s literally 11:55 right now.  Don’t tell me you were listening to that stupid radio show of yours again.” 

“What!  It’s not stupid!  DJ Bbokdi really gets me!  Today he played like three songs I’ve been obsessed with recently.  Besides, I won’t be late, it’s only-”  Eunbyeol checked the time on her phone.  “Fuck!”

“I’m never going to speak to you again if I have to be stuck with some random person for the entire semester.”

“I thought Minho was taking this class, too?”  Eunbyeol scrambled to gather her things, shoving her papers and books into her backpack unceremoniously while Jiho watched on. 

“He had to switch out for his stage managing practicum.  I think I have another friend who agreed to take it, but I don’t know if he got in!  If that’s the case, I don’t want either of us to be stuck with some rando.”  Hyunjin whined. 

“Bye, Jiho-yah!  I’ll see you at home!”  Eunbyeol called to her friend, ignoring the ‘I told you so’ eyeroll that she was so famous for.  “Relax, I’m on my way, I’ll be there soon.”

“It’s 11:56 now!  If you’re late you owe me dinner.  You’d better run!”  

With nothing else, Hyunjin ended the call and Eunbyeol wasted no time in picking up the pace.  While running she quickly navigated to the radio station app to see if Bbokdi ended his show yet.  She fumbled as she ran, cussing under her breath the entire time.  Eunbyeol shoved the earbud into her ear just in time to hear the last ten seconds. 

“That’s it for me today, my friends!  Be sure to tune into [Show] next week!  Same time, same place.  Now, I have to get to class.  See you later!”

“Damn it...”  Eunbyeol muttered, racing past the student center without getting the chance to peer in and see if she could see the mastermind at the switchboard. 

Eunbyeol stumbled onto the radio show quite by accident.  In her first semester, she’d found Jiho listening to it one day because Jisung recommended it to her.  Something about DJ Bbokdi just made her heart all warm and before she knew it, she found herself listening every single week.  He had the perfect voice for radio, smooth and enticing.  And he was friendly and loving and such a wonderful person, truly the whole package.  It was no wonder that most of the girls she met on campus always had something to say about DJ Bbokdi and his beautiful voice and beautiful personality.  Surely, with a voice like that, he had to be good-looking.

The idea of being ‘just another fangirl’ was abhorrent and Eunbyeol winced at the mere thought.  She wanted to be his friend somehow.  He’d read a few of her confessions on-air and answered a question or two, but for some reason, it wasn’t enough.  It didn’t feel like he was talking to her.  Not exactly.  

Eunbyeol couldn’t tell if the warmth in her chest was from the show this morning or the physical exertion of running down the path toward the theater building.  She’d only agreed to take this stupid class for Hyunjin, who wanted it as one of his electives outside of his majors.  The idiot was enrolled for two bachelor’s degrees and still found time to take asinine acting classes and he convinced her to do it with him.  She needed a few electives herself, so she agreed.  But... it wasn’t the only reason. 

Her heart pounded as she made her way closer and closer to the building.  She could see it, but he wasn’t standing outside.  Hyunjin must have gone inside to secure a partner.  The professor for this class did the same thing many professors did.  They stuck you with a partner for a semester-long project where you had to equally contribute towards a mutual goal.  It’s how she and Hyunjin got close, and how they wanted to stay close.  Hyunjin was the perfect partner for her and she for him.  It was no wonder why he wanted her to take this class with him.  He didn’t want to be stuck with someone potentially unreliable.  With that thought, Eunbyeol sped up. 

Her phone pinged with a message and she winced, eyeing the preview on her screen as she ran.  Hyunjin wasn’t going to wait for her to be late.  Eunbyeol’s heart sank at the idea of running up to the building without seeing Hyunjin on the stairs.  The only reason she ever liked being late was getting to see him waiting for her.  She wished she could see that today:  Hyunjin’s slender form leaning against a wall or a pillar and swiping aimlessly through his phone before looking up at her and smiling.  She couldn’t decide what she would have missed more.  The end of her radio show or her gorgeous best friend. 

[Jinnie: Professor Min is beginning to dish out partners as a way of taking attendance.  She hasn’t even read the syllabus yet.  You’d better hurry!]

A new text from Hyunjin made her lungs claw for breath.  Eunbyeol cussed under her breath as she started up the stairs toward the building.  The theater building was tall and made of pristine glass.  In the evenings, you could look in and see the sparkling chandeliers and ivory marble floors.  Her senior showcase would be performed on the expansive stage and just the thought made the hair on the back of her neck stand to attention.  She longed to leap and twirl on the hardwood under the lights.  

She didn’t have time to stop and peer into the hall to appreciate the stage like she normally did.  Eunbyeol wanted to dance there more than anything.  Well, except for maybe getting to class on time. 

[Jinnie:  Just listen to your stupid radio show in the building next time... you’re too whipped for that guy.]

She would have to tell him off for that later.  She didn’t have enough brain power to come up with a comeback, but thankfully she could give Hyunjin an earful after class.  She wasn’t that whipped. 

Eunbyeol gratefully rounded the corner and was glad to see the door to her classroom open.  A few students hurried up and down the hallway to get to their respective classes, so at least she wasn’t alone.  A boy several feet ahead of her slipped into her classroom and her heart swelled with a moment of camaraderie.  At least she wouldn’t be the only one late to class.  She glanced quickly at her watch to find that she was only three minutes late, so she might still be able to be partners with Hyunjin.  Eunbyeol wasn’t sure she could survive this semester being partnered with anyone else.  

“I’m sorry, Professor!”  Eunbyeol gasped as she threw herself into the brightly lit classroom.  She doubled over to suck in some deep breaths.  “I lost track of time, please forgive me-”

“Look at that!  It looks like you won’t have to be in a group of three.  We’re back to an even number in the class!”  Professor Min exclaimed, clasping her hands together.  

Eunbyeol slowly straightened out and glanced through the room, her eyes finding Hyunjin as naturally as looking towards the light.  Hyunjin sat near the back by the window and he stared at her with wide eyes.  His jet-black hair was about as long as his chin but pulled back tastefully out of his eyes with a white ribbon.  A few stray stands fell out to frame his slim face.  His features were soft and elf-like, with a strong jawline and cheekbones but handsome eyes and lips.  His thick eyebrows were furrowed together and he mouthed a few words at her through the classroom.  She knew him well enough at this point to tell what he was saying. 

“Where the hell were you, what happened?”  

“Lost track of time!  Who is that?”

Eunbyeol gestured vaguely to the random boy on Hyunjin’s left.  He glanced over before scowling at Eunbyeol.  She didn’t need to be told that the random kid was Hyunjin’s partner.  She hoped he at least saved her a seat.  Eunbyeol knew he’d be mad, but they’d have to talk about it after class.

“Oh, okay!”  A voice at the front of the room exclaimed and Eunbyeol’s attention was ripped rather rudely from her best friend. 

The boy who had slipped into the room before her stood at the front of the room by the professor.  He wore a black hoodie, strange for the middle of August, and a black cap that had tufts of blond hair sticking out the bottom.  His backpack sagged but his shoulders were straight and showed no strain from the weight.  Something about him struck her as familiar, but she couldn’t seem to place him. 

“Student?  What is your name?”  Professor Min, a tall and lithe woman with a long ponytail down her back, once again brought Eunbyeol’s attention back into the room. 

“Ah... I’m Cha Eunbyeol.”  she introduced herself with a deep bow, missing how the boy at the front tensed up the moment she spoke her name. 

“Welcome Cha Eunbyeol!  Please find a place to sit with your partner!  Ah, please introduce yourselves.”

Eunbyeol rose back up just in time to have her world completely turned upside down.  The blond boy turned around to greet her, his handsome face melting into a satisfied smirk that she knew all too well.  She never thought in a million years that she would see him again after high school and, in fact, was banking on it.  She wanted to forget her entire relationship with him but somehow, fate had brought them together again.  She supposed it was her fault for not paying a lick of attention to him after the music video shoot before their senior year.  How could she have known they chose the same goddamn university?

The boy took a step towards her and held his hand out to her.  He stuffed his free hand into the pocket of his hoodie.  Blond hair poked out of the cap he wore from all angles, curling around the back of his neck and flaring out around his perfectly shaped almond eyes.  She almost wouldn’t have recognized him with the longer blond hair if she wasn’t hyper-aware of so many other parts of him.  His soft hands, plush lips, perfectly angular nose and those beautiful freckles scattered along his cheeks.

If it wasn’t for his signature smirk and the obnoxious nickname he called her, she might not have recognized him at all.  When he spoke, Eunbyeol’s jaw dropped and she found herself stuck to her place on the floor.  His voice somehow got even lower and it reverberated through her and went right to the empty space between her legs.    

“Hello, nice to meet you, Sweetheart.”  He whispered the name under his breath so just she could hear it.  “I’m Lee Felix.  Let’s get along, shall we?”

Oh no... he got hot.  Really, really hot.

~!~!~!~!~!~

EUNBYEOL TRIED TO pay attention to the syllabus in front of her, but she’d heard all of the boring stuff before.  The professor droned on about things like classroom policy, school policy, and plagiarism for several minutes and Eunbyeol convinced herself that was why she wasn’t paying attention.  

Same shit, different day.  

Same shit, same guy, different day... different school.  Eunbyeol’s jaw set as the thought about the unbelievably hot blond-haired boy sitting next to her.  Thankfully, Hyunjin put his backpack on the seat to his right so she could sit there.  

Hwang Hyunjin:  Her dance partner, the most beautiful man she’d ever seen, her best friend, her crush.  Whenever she saw him her heart leaped into her throat and she couldn’t believe that he actually liked her too.  Even if he didn’t like her in a romantic sense, he liked her enough to hang out with her all the time and seek out being her partner for class projects.  In fact, aside from Jiho, Eunbyeol thought she spent most of her time with Hyunjin and he spent most of his time with her.  Not only that, but he was the best dance partner she’d ever had in her life.  It was almost movie-like and stereotypical how well they worked with each other, most of the time predicting the other’s moves way before they did them. 

“It’s your fault we’re like this.”  Hyunjin leaned over to whisper in her ear. 

“I know!”  Eunbyeol wanted to scream, but she kept her voice as a harsh whisper.  “You don’t have to remind me.”

“I would have been happy with either of you but now I have neither?  Ridiculous.”  Hyunjin rolled his eyes and leaned away, leaving Eunbyeol to wonder what he meant.  She didn’t have time to ask before the professor finally spoke up about the project. 

“Alright, and now the project!”  Professor Min began.  “You’ll see the details in the syllabus, but here’s the gist.  Your final project will be a pair scene that we work on all semester.  You have a couple of weeks to read a bunch of scenes and one-acts.  Ideally, your performance will be between ten and twenty minutes.  By the third week of class you will have chosen a scene with your partner, by midterms you will perform it once for the class and we will spend a few weeks workshopping each piece.  Then, your final exam will be performing your piece at a showcase in the Black Box theater.”

“Oh god, are you sure you wanna take this class?”  Eunbyeol whispered to Hyunjin, swallowing the lump in her throat.  

“Of course I do.  Come on, it’ll be fine!”  He responded with a glint in his eye.

“In the meantime, while you all are working on your scenes, you will be doing weekly exercises with your partner.”  Professor Min continued and the class groaned at her words.  Everyone except... Lee fucking Felix.  “These exercises will be in the most important thing you can have with anyone: trust.  We will be doing various trust-building exercises in class and out of class for the next sixteen weeks.  Every week I expect you to complete one of them and submit a reflection by Sunday at 11:59 pm.  While I have some plans for in-class things, there is also a list of things you could do with your partner on the syllabus.  There are more than sixteen so you are welcome to do more than that for a few points of extra credit.  By the way, that will be the only extra credit I offer this semester.  With that, let’s get into the grade breakdown...”

Eunbyeol flipped through to the page that listed all of the things she would have to do.  Her eyes widened at the extensive list and nausea bubbled up within her at the thought of doing these things with Lee Felix.  Hold hands for thirty minutes... stare into each other's eyes for twenty minutes...  cook a meal together... read to each other...

What is this bullshit?

She glanced over at Felix who, like her, was perusing the list.  However, he had a delighted smile plastered onto his soft features, making his eyes sparkle in the bright natural light.  Felix, the last person Eunbyeol expected to see much less be paired with, looked over at her and balanced his chin with the palm of his hand.  He smiled warmly at her.  Her heart flip-flopped in her chest.

How obnoxious... ly hot.

“Alright, class.  I am going to pass out your first pair assignment now.”  Professor Min handed a stack of paper to a student in the front, who took one and passed it down.  “On this page, there are three questions you’re going to ask your partner.  Simple things, nothing too much.  Write down their answers and on the back write a brief paragraph about first impressions.  Once you’re done, you can leave for the day and we will start learning about genres in the next class.  If you have any questions let me know.”

The room burst into conversation immediately.  Eunbyeol glanced over at Hyunjin to see about talking to him instead of her partner, but he seemed to be invested in his.  Eunbyeol then turned to look at Felix, who was already looking her up and down with an obnoxiously perfect smile on his face.  Slowly, Felix leaned forward to whisper in her ear, sending chills down her spine involuntarily. 

“I can’t wait to work on this project with you!  I’m sure we’ll have a great time.”  Felix shot her a wink and she scowled in response. 

“As if!”

“Come on, it’s the perfect chance to catch up.  We haven’t seen each other since high school!”

“Yes, and there is a very good reason for that.”  Eunbyeol hissed.

“Here-”  Felix produced a pen out of his bag and leaned over to scribble something on her syllabus.  She tried to wrench her papers away from him, but his veiny hand kept them in place effortlessly.  “When you decide you’d like to do well in this class, shoot me a text.  Or, actually... you should give me your number, you probably won’t text me first.”  

“What?”  Eunbyeol blinked in surprise when Felix tilted his pen toward her and moved his syllabus closer. 

“Sweetheart, like I’m sure you’re thinking right now, we’re stuck doing this together.  Some of these dumb exercises are things we have to pre-plan, so we should talk about what we want to do.  If you won’t give it to me, I’ll just get it from Hyunjin.”  Felix rolled his eyes, taking a page from the stack handed to him before offering it to her.  She took a page and passed it over her shoulder to Hyunjin.  She didn’t miss how Hyunjin’s long fingers brushed over her own.  “God, these questions are dumb.  Let’s get this over with.”

“Fuck this,”  Eunbyeol muttered, grabbing a pen from her backpack.  She leaned over and wrote her digits on his paper before huffing and looking at the page.  After reading the questions, she glanced up at Felix. 

In high school, his eyes seemed to shimmer in the light and it was no different now.  However, it was somewhat reassuring that he wasn’t exactly thrilled to see her either.  On that, at least, Eunbyeol knew they could agree.  Felix rolled his eyes, leaned back in his chair, and read off the first question to her.  He ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek in annoyance.  He glanced over the page at her and heaved a sigh. 

Why is he hot even when he’s mad?!

“This is gonna be a long fucking semester, isn’t it?”

~!~!~!~!~!~

“Student Name: Cha Eunbyeol.

Partner Name:  Lee Felix 

Question 1: Why are you taking this class?

Answer:  My (our?) best friend asked him to take it.  It’s not in his major, but he said he didn’t want to be alone.  They’re not partners now so I guess it didn’t work out. 

Question 2: Three interesting facts about yourself?

Answer:  One... He likes nutella toast way too much, I think it’s a problem.  Two, he’s a music production major.  Three, his favorite color is black.

Question 3:  What is it that you hope to get out of this class?

Answer:  Of course, he said friendship.  He loves meeting new people and learning new things and he really thinks that this class will help him to learn how to develop relationships and work with difficult people to work towards a common goal.

Reflection:  Professor, PLEASE let me switch partners.  If anyone else is unhappy with their partner, I will HAPPILY switch with them.  I know all of this is about trust but I wouldn’t even trust Lee Felix to spell his own name correctly, much less do the work.  I do not like him and I don’t think we will be a good fit for this project.  I’m scared of what will happen if I’m associated with him.  What if... what if I don’t hate him?”

“Wow, Eunbyeol-ssi, it sounds like you have to learn to trust people a little more!  The fact that you and him seem to clash is the exact reason I do this project every semester.  Stick it out and all will be well!  -Professor Min”

“Student Name:  Lee Felix

Partner Name:  Cha Eunbyeol

Question 1:  Why are you taking this class?

Answer:  Her best friend (also my best friend! Small world!) Hyunjin wanted her to take it so they could be partners for the project.  They actually work well together.  Also... this fills an elective requirement. 

Question 2:  Three interesting facts about yourself?

Answer:  One: She hates the color black, she prefers blue.  Two: She’s at KNU on a scholarship and if she drops this class, she’ll probably lose it.  So, lucky for me Eunbyeol is stuck here. Three:  She really likes to dance.  (I knew that already, but she wouldn’t change her answer.) 

Question 3:  What is it that you hope to get out of this class:

Answer:  She hopes to get out of this class alive.  (Sorry, she didn’t give me a better answer before she left.)

Reflection:  Honestly, we knew each other in high school but she hasn’t changed much.  She likes things done her way and she really doesn’t like me.  Unfortunately for her, I think she’s great and I’m super excited to get to work with her on this.  I really hope that some of these trust exercises will help bring us a little closer together.  If anything, I just want to be her friend.  Chances are, she’ll be dramatic about it for a few weeks and then she’ll do it.”

“Felix-ssi, you have your hands full!  Normally I wouldn’t share this, but she asked to switch partners.  If things were bad, I would allow it.  However, it sounds to me like you really care for her and you want to put in the work to do the project and to build your relationship with Eunbyeol.  I’ll be rooting for you! -Professor Min”

[umichenginabroad]

Madrid Week 11: Basque-ing in Nature

Hola a todxs! Niko here, back again with week 11 (writing this during week 12 oops [I had a huge databases project that I grinded on all of last week, expect a double blog week soon]) of studying abroad in Madrid!! I’ve got a little over a month and a half left in Madrid. Near the beginning of the semester, I mentioned a VSauce video about time that I enjoyed a lot. Recently in my culture class, we discussed the same concepts. Upon reflection, I think that I’m experiencing time in an incredibly ideal way.

What do I mean? Time flies by fast. It feels like weeks go by in the blink of an eye. Last week, what seems like yesterday, it was March, and now we’re already halfway through April. Time flies when you’re having fun, and I think that much is true. I’m having a blast, experiencing a new world every week, and as a consequence, I’m not thinking about time as it passes. It doesn’t drag; It goes by quickly. 

But I’m still in lecture every week. And two of my classes (the engineering ones) are oftentimes unbearably boring. I feel time pass when I’m sitting in those chairs waiting for the time to go home. My life during the week is simple: go to class, cook meals, go to cafes to study. But on the weekends, I’m traveling across Spain and Europe, meeting new people, partying, the list goes on. So it’s kind of like a long-short time sandwich. I get to experience time dragging on in the moment, and I also get to experience it flying by. And, because the exciting experiences happen regularly and frequently, weekends fill up huge blocks in my memories that make it feel like I’ve been here for years. I would say that “it feels like just yesterday that I stepped foot off the plane” but no, it really doesn’t. It feels like an eternity ago, truly. 

So, I’m kind of milking time for nearly all that it’s worth, which I think is a W. We’ve only got so much of it in this life. Anyways, there goes my bi-monthly rant on time. Hopefully it didn’t drag on too much. Or hopefully it did. Or both. 🙂

Anyways, last weekend, I learned a very important lesson. Two of my roommates (Eli, Max) and a close friend (Jack) rented a car (#JeepTrailhawk) and took a trip up to Northern Spain (Please don't mind the terribly cheesy title), splitting our time between Basque cities and Spain’s best national park. The lesson? As much as I love cities — incredible amalgamations of culture, humanity and energy — I’ll never experience the same type of awe and amazement looking out over a skyline as I do gazing upon a range of staggeringly huge snow capped mountains. Let’s talk about the trip:

Gatzetelugatxwho?

We set out from Madrid late Thursday evening. After a short-lived yet intense fiasco with google maps sending us in a couple of loops around Madrid after someone (the driver) (Max) missed a couple of turns, we were on the highway headed North. We had about 4 hours of driving until we reached Bilbao, where we had rented an Airbnb for the night. It was a pretty drive — Madrid is surrounded by a beautiful Sierra not even 30 minutes outside of the center. We arrived at our Airbnb (which was situated in a weird liminal space-ish neighborhood) and crashed, ready to tackle the morning task: Gatztelugatxe.

Huh? Yes, I was as confused as you probably are the first time I read that word. Especially the tx, which is pronounced as ch in Euskera, the mysterious language of the Basque people that has no known origin or connection to any modern tongue. It looks and sounds weird, and in the Basque country you’ll see it everywhere. It almost feels like it could have been spoken in some far off kingdom in Game of Thrones. 

Speaking of, we went to Dragonstone, AKA Gatztelugatxe. Shout out whoever the location scout was for those scenes, because they absolutely killed it. The site was beautiful, and I think the pictures will speak for themselves.

After that, we drove a few more hours to San Sebastian and explored. The energy was incredible. Sunny weather, beautiful city side beach, Burnt Basque cheesecake, calming sunset and delicious food (pintxos = tapas in Euskera!). There’s not much more that I can say other than the fact that simply walking around and taking it all in was an absolute joy. 

We proceeded to drive 4 hours west that evening to our second stop of the weekend: Picos de Europa national park (driving quickly through Bilbao, which has a really cool modern architectural style). We arrived at our Airbnb in the pitch black around 12 am, stumbled our way inside, cooked a comically oversized dinner (1.5 kg of pasta is too much for 4 people btw) and prepared for our big hike the next day.

The Hike

We woke up bright and early (it was like 10am) Saturday morning, ready for the 7.5 mile, 3000 foot climb ahead of us. I’d done a 13 miler with a similar increase in elevation once before in the Texan desert (Marufo Vega trail in Big Bend, highly recommend), so I wasn’t too concerned with the difficulty — only with whether we picked a worthwhile trail. I was silly for underestimating “Lon - Río Burón - Peña de Mañimoco”.

We started by driving into a tiny town in the national park, parking on the side of the road and setting off into a dirt trail that winded shallowly up the mountain. At this point, I was unimpressed. Most of our view of the mountain ahead of us was blocked by trees, and the path felt too well kept to be the basis of the true rugged backcountry experience I desired. Jokingly, we pointed to the top of the mountain we were hiking towards when we got to a clearing, asking damn, wouldn’t it be crazy if we went up there.

Yeah, it would have been crazy, but I guess 3000 feet is not to be underestimated, especially if you start at 1000. The paved trail split off into a smaller one once we broke through the treeline, which split off into a gravel shoot winding up the ridge of the mountain we had joked about a mile or two earlier. The wind started picking up, threatening to throw us off the mountain at any second as we climbed higher and higher (it was seriously intense wind. Jumping up, we actually caught a little extra airtime).

Each switchback revealed a view of the mountain and the valley below that was more stunning than the last. We passed through a huge diversity of different terrains, each so distinct they felt like Minecraft biomes stitched together. We even happened upon a herd of domesticated cows (which we were terrified of passing out of fear that they would attempt to butt us off the face of the mountain... we thought they were wild at first). At one point, we came across a meadow that looked like it came straight out of a studio Ghibli movie. We quite literally frolicked in the grass as another hiker (the only other person we saw on the trail) watched us from behind a tree, hiding from the wind. We talked to that guy later, we called him the Wind Wizard.

On this hike, I felt something reminiscent of the feeling I got as a 6 year old playing imagination games in the basement of my childhood home — unashamedly wide-eyed excitement. Looking out over the Picos de Europa (literally, the peaks of Europe) I couldn’t help but smile. This is the feeling I mentioned at the beginning of this blog that I think I can only experience whilst totally immersed in nature. At its core, it’s rooted in mindfulness and gratitude for the present moment -- something that I try to practice as much as possible in my everyday life. 

However, the reason this trip ended up being one of my favorites I’ve taken so far wasn’t just for the things that I saw — it was for the people that I spent it with. As much as I enjoy the independence and exploration of solo-traveling, I think that experiencing new things with trusted friends will almost always be more enjoyable. Being rooted in that feeling of wonder with others makes it feel more exciting, more significant, more real — both while it’s happening, and in the memories that stay with us forever. 

We finished the hike with a steep decline down the mountain and ended up back at the car, where we drove into the larger town and got some drinks at a local cafe (where they had original craft beers on tap, and where I tasted the best Vermouth I've ever had). We left our airbnb early the next morning, but not before buying a block of cheese from the local Queseria (which was also absolutely fire). En fin, this was one of the most beautiful and rewarding hikes I've ever done, rivaled only by the aforementioned Marufo Vega. I think we chose well!

So, my key takeaways from this trip? Nature is awesome, and so is experiencing it (and life in general) with other people. At the end of the day, we’re just really smart animals who evolved (in nature) to be biased towards social behavior, so I guess that makes sense (#evolutionarypsychology?). I’ll be in the Bay Area this summer for an internship, and I’m really excited to go backpacking over the weekends in all of the epic nature that surrounds the area, meeting new people along the way.

Here's the itinerary list for this week's trip:

Basque Country Google Maps List

That’s all for this week’s blog! As always, check out the picture descriptions for a little more info. Thank you all very much for reading, and I’ll see y’all next week 🙂

Adios,

Niko Economos

Aerospace Engineering

Universidad Carlos III de Madrid

Madrid, Spain

economos@umich.edu 

[orientaladventures]

A Japanese Escorts Role Play Adventure - Part 1 - Sisiko

Sisiko had not been working as a London Japanese escort for very long when she discovered that a lot of her clients enjoyed role playing fantasies as well as tasting the delights of her amazing body. She had always assumed that her beautiful face and perfect breasts would be more than enough to satisfy any man, but her looks were ideally suited to role play; Sisiko can dress like a schoolgirl and look like a schoolgirl, albeit a schoolgirl with rather well-developed breasts; or she can dress plainly and act like an innocent young girl who pretends to resist the advances of her client, at least for a while. Sisiko can wear sexy underwear and be the naughty mistress of every man’s dream; in fact, there are no fantasies that are beyond her abilities.

Sisiko is a gorgeous Japanese girl with a radiant smile, long flowing hair, legs that seem to go on forever and breasts that are the envy of every other London Japanese escorts on Gentle Seduction, just look at her pictures in the gallery and I’m sure you will agree.

The first time that Sisiko had a role play date, the client asked for her to dress as a schoolgirl and sit down at the table in her flat where she pretended to read a book while the client pretended to be her schoolteacher. From time to time, the client patted her on the head murmuring encouragement. Sisiko knew what to do, she gazed out her window a few times; after a few minutes the client told her to stop reading and admonished her for not paying enough attention to what she was reading. He told her to stand up and bend over the table, then lifted her skirt to reveal her white panties and lightly spanked her on her firm, tight bum. “Have you learnt your lesson now, you naughty girl” he asked. “I’ve been so bad,” Sisiko said as she turned to face him. “Am I going to fail my exams now?” Well, this was the reaction that the client was hoping for and he told her what she would need to do to get an exam pass. He took her to the sofa and unbuttoned her blouse and when her saw her beautiful breasts he began throbbing with delight. Sisiko knew that he was ready to burst and took him in her mouth. As he came all over her face, he was already asking to extend the date for another hour or two; he couldn’t leave without sampling the tightness of a young girl’s bum. Sisiko knew this was only the beginning of this client’s schoolgirl fantasy, and that there would be many more bookings to come with him.

On her second role play booking, the client requested she wear a simple cotton dress and flat shoes and wear her hair in a ponytail. He brought a bottle of wine with him to her apartment, and her role was to be an innocent young girl who got a little tipsy before he took advantage of her. They were sitting on the couch when he started to stroke her thighs and try to kiss her; Sisiko turned away and begged him to stop, but that only made him more excited and he pulled her dress down over her breasts and started to suck on them. Sisiko knew precisely when to give in, and with a tear in eye, she opened her legs and submitted to him; of course, he came very quickly just like she knew he would.

On her third role play date, Sisiko had a very rich client who booked her for the night in a very expensive suite at Claridge’s. He wanted her to be a very high-class mistress who he was having an illicit affair with behind his wife’s back. Sisiko went to Bond Street that afternoon and bought a full set of La Perla underwear and a black Halston dress which suited her admirably. She arrived at the suite that evening and indulged in every conceivable act that she could imagine to please this client. The result was even better than she expected, because he became a regular and often takes her away for trips to film festivals and for cruises on his yacht.

Sisiko’s Japanese escorts adventures in role play are so diverse that it will take quite some time to relate them all, but we will be sure to include a few more of them in future articles here on Gentle Seduction.

[emeritus-fuckers]

Hello, congrats on 1000 followers, that is huge! This is my submission to the match-up event. I’ll number the answers to each question.

1. I’m transmasc (we could get into the weeds of it all, non-binary, genderfluid, yada yada but that’s the gist of it), use he/they pronouns and I’m bisexual.

2. I’d like to be matched up with a Papa preferably, although a Ghoul would also be cool if you decide it’s my best fit.

3. I’m 5’4, I’ve lost a bit of weight recently so I’m pretty slim but not skinny, my thighs and arms are pretty big still. I’ve also got a bit of muscle showing, but again, not a bunch (I am working on it though). Most of my life I’ve been the chubby one in the friend group so this is new to me. Besides that, I have an hourglass figure (that I hide under baggy clothes) and, unfortunately for me, a very large chest that a binder does little to conceal. I have brown hair that’s wavy (2C), short on the sides and back and longer on top (comes down to my top lip if I stretch it out in front of my face), parted on the side. I also have brown eyes, I’m white (fairly pale), have freckles on my cheeks, nose and arms and a decent amount of moles all over my body. I wear glasses, I have three earlobe piercings in one ear and one in the other that I’m stretching. I dress in a sort of skater-y style, big pants, vans, oversized band T-shirts, hoodies, jean jackets, funky button-ups if I’m being fancy.

4. I think I’m a friendly person but generally pretty shy and I don’t get out much. Right now I’m writing my BA thesis (studying English) after extending my studies which means I finished all of my classes already, so I really spend way too much time at home. I could probably use someone who would help me to go out more but also respect when I have to stay in and recharge since I lean towards introversion (but only slightly). I’m also kind of a perfectionist which causes me to either put way too much effort into something or, paradoxically, way too little because then I can detach myself from it, telling myself that I didn’t try at all so I don’t feel like it matters.

5. I am very on-again off-again with video games (I could spend a year not playing any but then the next few months playing for hours every day) and I prefer narrative-led games. I watch board game playthroughs a lot and over the last year I bought quite a few board games. I like to watch horror movies but I’ve only been to the movie theater a few times since COVID started. I mostly listen to metal lately but there’s very few genres of music that I wouldn’t listen to, only one coming to mind is EDM. I like to sing a lot. I work out almost every day (ideally 6 times a week but it sometimes ends up being 4 or 5), it’s calisthenics and flexibility because I can do it with only a few cheap pieces of equipment alone at home and the gym scares me + it’s expensive. I also write fanfiction which this fandom inspired me to do and I’m very new to it but enjoy it a lot.

6. I’m 23, I live alone, I have two cats that are brother and sister. I was an only child until my dad had another kid in his second marriage but that happened when I was 16 so I don’t really count it since I didn’t grow up with siblings (my brother feels more like a nephew to me). I don’t think I want to be monogamous, because I don’t think I belong to anyone or anyone belongs to me, it’s just too restrictive and boring to me (although if someone I really cared about wanted to be 100% monogamous, I would probably agree to it). My favorite season is spring. I love most animals, especially reptiles, I used to be scared of spiders (I think from the stigma against them) but now I love to see them in my home and let them stay. But I’m absolutely terrified of the ocean and the creatures that live in it.

I am so sorry that this is so long but I tend to ramble and overshare when talking about myself. If this is too long, feel free to ignore.

This post is part of the 1000 followers match up event. Entries for the event are now closed.

Your match is…Papa Emeritus III

He loves stealing… I mean borrowing your clothes . As much as he enjoys his fancy outfits he adores putting on one of your hoodies and curling up on the couch. Preferably with you in his arms. It helps him unwind after a hard day at work.

He will come and keep you comapny while you exercise, he wants to support you and he often joins in. There will also be quite a lot of flirtatious glances from him.

One time he says "I can think of a much better way for us to work out together caro. hmm? You would like that no?" you cannot miss the sultry tone of his voice and the look he gives you as he draws you to him.

He is really supportive/understanding of your perfectionsim. Despite his playful front he does understand a need to do things to a high standard. He gets like that over his music. So he tries to help you balance it out.

If you are working on your thesis, he sometimes needs telling to just let you work. He loves being there for moral support and he is surpirsingly helpful and knowledgeable. But he gets a little distracted sometimes and just kinda goes off on one. So when you do say that you just need some peace and quiet to think he just pouts at you. Then after a moment he'll nod in understanding, give you a kiss and leave you to it. He will also bring you plenty of your favourite drink to keep you going.

He will definitely encourage you to go out more. He loves going out with you and you both always have a lot of fun. He can also spot when you need to recharge and he plans a cozy night in with a film or something.

He is chill about not being monogamous. It works well for him too and he has similar views to you. He values very highly the emotional connection you two share and he only has that with you. It means the world to him.

~

Written by Nyx

[wafflemeido]

Is Dating a Sugar Daddy in Kenya the Right Thing?

How did you start being a sugarbabe? What motivated you to it? I consider myself a muse, I’ve always loved dressing up, pampering myself, and enjoying the finer things in life, from the arts to food, traveling, and fashion, My hobbies are all very sense orientated, I love to feel good, and I enjoy making other people feel good. I like to spread good energy, inspire creativity & relish in life. I am strong & confident, and am at a stage now where I am taking my desires and relationships into my own hands, I’ve experienced real love, and that remains a part of who I am, now it’s time to have fun! 😉

When I realized there was a platform to explore my ideal relationships, I dove in head first.

What were some of the negative experiences you had? Initially breaking into the sugar dating world, I realized that online introductions can be undesirable, and that face-to-face daily interactions are the way to go, however, that takes time & patience, and research, which I consider an investment.

The negative experiences have been the men who do not ‘get’ the lifestyle or who are not genuine gentlemen who know or want to treat woman like queens, and being approached in a derogatory manner, or outright lied to, with intentions to take advantage..

What were some of the more positive experiences you have had? Meeting sugar babies, and the interesting knowledge I’ve gained from viewing life from this perspective. Access to the knowledge of others (blogs/books etc) and the inspiration provided by successful Sugars daddies, meeting like minded gents & literally having our cake & eating it.

What advice can you give to others who would like to try it? Research! Check out all the blogs & websites, connect with other Sugar babies. You will gain valuable insight into how to present yourself, and learn from others experiences, Take time to write down a list of your goals, define yourself clearly, & be confident. Take good care of your health, diet & exercise. Always trust your instincts. Respect yourself & the men that pamper you.

What do you like most about being a sugarbabe or being in this kind of lifestyle? I love being feminine & girly, lingerie, flowers, gifts, dinners, looking gorgeous, and being around gentlemen who love & appreciate that. Being a social butterfly.

Sugar Daddy- I’m generous in nature, and enjoy receiving. It’s a good outlet for my assertive side.

What do you find most attractive in a sugardaddy?

Sugar daddy- A good heart, elegance, appreciation for style & class. Someone generous & open minded, that’s successful, ambitious & smart. I like to surround myself with quality people.

Who knows about your profession or hobby? What was their reaction? Only one close female friend is aware of this new adventure, she’s open minded.

Have you ever consider not doing it anymore? why?

This is new to me, and I believe after I’ve absorbed all the information/literature & experiences it will (already has) alter me, and I’ll keep what’s good & serves me, and let the rest pass. My goal is to be successful, I have a career, and have worked for all I have, ideally I’d like to have my own business, and develop my talents and have an outlet for them, (fashion, art & music) I’ve always been self sustained, this for me is the icing on the cake and a means to fast track my full potential, and give back to the world around me.

Can you live off it well or just enough for some expenses? At this stage I am living off my own income, and am looking to this as an experience, to travel, have pretty things, and explore myself & the people I meet. I am trusting it will build to the stage where I can transition from my career (cutting my hours down slowly) into my own business, I would never rely on one stream of income alone.

How has your life changed with it? It has already changed, from when my perspective shifted from my initial reaction to “sugar baby” and discovering the particular type of sugar baby presence that suits me, my life has been changing daily, by the knowledge I’ve found, the interactions with people online, and defining my own goals & intentions, the mental shift has been empowering.

I’m ready to step into this world, Let’s see what comes of this!

[restforthe-burdenedsoul]

I hate being the bad guy. This semester is definitely proving to be harder than I thought.

I told friends and family that I couldn’t commit to any plans until I saw how this first half of classes was laid out. I had three slower weeks and we made plans. But again, the amount of time it’s taking me to do assignments and my school work schedule not working out how I wanted because I keep oversleeping for work, I’ve had to cancel things already.

The big thing was doing an “anti Valentine’s Day” party with M and his friends. Now that I see how large these assignments really are (because this is only the second week), I think I need to cancel it. We had to work around one of the friends work schedules but that means it’s falling on the week on our biggest school assignment. I could barely keep up this week when there was only 6 assignments. We’ve Already been warned how time consuming the literature review is going to be, so I need to times that by 2 for myself.

M’s family is asking about a day trip two weeks from now and I want to go so bad but had to say no because I just won’t know until That week. It just depends on how much I can get done that week. And I don’t want more people being mad at me about canceling plans because of homework. The trip will happen with or without me, like most of these cancelled plans, so I don’t understand why I can’t give a “maybe” response.

Another friend had asked about making plans and I gave her a few days that might work (lighter school work weeks) but i think I should just say nevermind before she responds. I don’t want to schedule another thing and have to cancel again.

I’m just tired of people being upset because of my school work. And it’s my own damn fault. The assignments just take so much longer than I think and I underestimate my time every time.

Like, I truly believed I’d be done all my Assignments bg 6pm today. Instead, I’ve been working on the same assignment for 5 hours now and still have two more to do by midnight. Which I honestly don’t think is going to be possible.

I swear I tried my best this week to get things in on time. But between my cramps and my emotions, I just wasn’t effective enough. And evey week is likely to have some issue because things aren’t perfect. My ideal 7-3 work day and 4-9/1-2 assignments a day to be finished by Friday evening isn’t always going to work.

I think I just need to expect things to spill into the weekends and not make plans and understand that means I’m going to be left out of a lot of things. And that hurts. Maybe it shouldn’t and I’m overreacting.

I’m a planner by nature and love planning ahead. And I’m surprised by how my friends/family are planning ahead because they never did before grad school. I was always the one annoyed by the last minute plans. But now all of sudden, I can’t give answers last minute or closer to the day and they need solidified answers now and I just can’t do that. So I have to say no.

Either way, I feel like everyone still ends up mad at me because of school.

[djino04]

OmegaVerse - Contact Day

POV Saul

Things are getting better and better between Andreas and me. We are far from getting back to our past relationship and unfortunately I don't think we ever will. Too much has happened, too many betrayals on both sides to make it work. Well, to be honest, finally the betrayals are only on my side since it was under Rosalind's control. But in any case, I'm still glad to see that things are getting better. 

I'm also glad to be able to train with him again. It's nice to teach students but unfortunately most of them are not a real challenge for me and I rarely fight against them. But with Andreas, I feel like I have to push myself to win and I missed that. Well, it took several sessions before I was no longer afraid of killing him with each blow, now it's better even if I had some scares. 

What I didn't miss was his overprotection. He always has been overprotective but I feel like it's much worse since he found out I'm an omega. I hate knowing that he thinks I'm weak or whatever. I haven't changed, I'm still the same man I was before the revelation and yet he's changed his view of me. Just because I need regular contact with an alpha, doesn't mean I need to be watched 24 hours a day by a babysitter, but obviously he didn't get the memo. The next time he tells me to put on a sweater, I'm stabbing him, and this time for real. 

But today isn't a training day for us, it's "contact day" as I've started calling it in my head. And that's why we're both sitting on his couch, with a safe distance between us. Before Aster Dell, I would have been lying with my head in his lap or we would have had more contact than his hand on my wrist. But I'm not going to complain, he doesn't have to do that. He could have very well left me to fend for myself with the medication or even prevented me from getting it and not offered any alternatives. So even though my omega is dying for more, I repress my needs and keep my distance. 

On the other hand, unlike the first few times, now we can talk a little more easily and about something other than classes. Despite this, I am surprised when Andreas asks me: 

"Do you think Sky will eventually forgive me?"

I think for a few seconds before answering him: 

"He only got my side of the story on Aster Dell and a wrong side at that. I think when you're able to tell him the truth, things will settle down. It won't be right away, he'll need time to digest and process everything in his head but it will come gradually. I'm sorry to tell you, but right now he thinks you're a psychopath who let a whole village be decimated and that on top of that, you abandoned him and replaced him with Beatrix. You have to admit that this is not an ideal start to a relationship. And despite that, things have already started to improve, right? You spent the day with him on his birthday and he didn't seem unhappy."

I don't ask what they did that day because I'd rather not know. Knowing Andreas, chances are it was illegal. Besides, if I knew what they had done, it would immediately become more concrete and I'm not ready for that yet. I raised Sky for 16 years and I have a hard time sharing him, even if it is with his father. 

Luckily for me, Andreas isn't a mind fairy, so he continues as if nothing happened: 

"Yeah sure but he's confused about my behavior but I can't blame him. I can't be with him as I am with Beatrix. Already, Rosalind wasn't too happy about our little car escapade the other day, I can't do anything more without arousing his suspicions."

I pat the hand that's resting on my wrist: 

"Sky's a smart boy, he'll figure it out when he has more cards in his hand. And anyway, we're going to have to start seriously thinking about a plan before some fairies take matters into their own hands. No matter what our plan is, we'll need the support of some of the students and your son is one of them. You can tell him everything then. And then look, he's started to forgive me even though I'm guilty of the crimes he accuses me of, so there's no reason why it can't go well with you."

"You're right Saul."

I have a big doubt about whether or not he actually believes me. A big part of me thinks he just wants to cut the conversation short. As if to prove it to me, he removes his hand from my wrist. I feel the loss almost immediately but I don't show it. 

He stands up and tells me: 

"Come on, it's bedtime for both of us."

Then he grabs one of his sweatshirts lying on a chair: 

"Here, put this on before you go out into the halls."

He's lucky Rosalind doesn't want me to have a dagger on me...

[thoughtsafter3am]

But, sometimes there are good things that happen when doing this even if it makes us feel like this penguin because I just moved and didn’t look at my new voter card close enough. I thought I was in the same congressional district as before and repped by a career Republican BUT now I’m just outside that district and repped by an incumbent Democrat which I wouldn’t have known had I not looked up my ballot early. So happy surprise this time.

And if I can stand on my millennial soapbox for a moment and give my unsolicited millennial advice because I don’t have anywhere else to say this:

For the love of all that is good in this world, vote. If you are undecided, consider voting for the candidate who isn’t a hateful fascist and consider not using a presidential election to protest vote. The fact that this election is close and Harris is not eons ahead in the polls is just absolutely wild and not in the good way.

Presidential elections are not the time to stick it to the establishment. That’s what local elections are for so smaller parties can gain speed and momentum. But, parties outside the big two always seem to ignore smaller races and only try for the presidency. We cannot break the two party system in a presidential election. I would also argue we can’t break the two party system if both major parties don’t want to break it because you are fracturing only one major party and leaving the other at full strength.

I know we’ve heard it over and over, but there is so much at stake in this election. Project 2025 is not fiction nor is it a hypothetical if the overly orange fascist wins. It’s what will happen if he wins the election on November 5th when he fires government employees he disagrees with and fills those positions with cronies. Then goes the Department of Ed, restrictions on healthcare we are able to receive on a national scale, and so on and so forth.

There’s no such thing as a perfect candidate and the expectation that somewhere there is will never be a reality. This will be my fourth presidential election and I have never voted for a candidate that I agree with 100%. But I have voted for candidates who reflect my views the best. I love the plurality of views and opinions on the left. It’s part of what makes us more reflective of what America could and should be. But, damn, if it doesn’t make me incredibly nervous as well for that same diversity of opinions and views.

I am not interested in Tumblr arguments as I am far too old for that at this point and I lack the energy. While I love the idealism, passion, and tenacity of the youth, watching the states turn colors in 2016 and too many of them red has left me so afraid of people protest voting as a middle finger to the establishment. The only thing protest or third party voting will get us this time is Cheeto in Chief 2.0. And if that happens, it’s going to be worse than it was when he was there the first time. I’ve already canceled class on November 6th because I have no way how this is going to shake out but I’d love to spend it not in a fetal position on my bed this time and able to get things done instead of zombie-ing my way through the day. And that only happens if we vote in a way that is thoughtful and forward thinking, not (only) an emotional response or attempt to make a statement on the two party system.

Me doing my stupid research so I can fill out the stupid ballot and do my stupid civic duty.