#overheard quote

[thatdarnchat]

I’ll murder you in the first degree colon three.

[protagaster]

[Seconds after Odysseus' and Penelope's loving embrace, having finally been reunited after almost 20 years]

Odysseus, panicking: Penelope! You’re bleeding!

Penelope, completely calm: Don’t worry love, it’s not my blood.

[hpseeker99]

Hermione: Why are you following me? Ron: Because we’re dating now? Hermione: Okay… what about Harry? Ron: We’re a package deal Harry: Buy one idiot, get one free

[hurtspideyparker]

Steve walks into an Avengers meeting room to see Peter and Clint talking:

Peter: I haven't paid taxes in 4 years and I'm fine

Steve: *leaves room in confusion and then comes back 30 seconds later to inquire more*

Peter: All I'm saying is if I were god I could do a better job

Steve: *leaves again*

[yes-i-am-happyaspie]

Tony: why does it look like someone took a bite out of this stick of butter?

Tony: Peter, did you bite the butter?

Peter:

Tony: I'm serious. Did you actually bite the butter?

Peter: I swear, am I not allowed to do anything!?

[irradiate-space]

"magic is great, but have you considered logistics?"

[gothamundernightlight]

Incorrect Batfam Quotes

Damian: Meditation keeps the mind at peace. It protects your head from everything external.

Jason: *throws a shoe at him

Damian: What the f*ck, Todd?

Jason: Except external sources of pain apparently.

[overheard-at-hogwarts]

James: Padfoot made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

Remus: ...Is it possible he actually said, "bros before hoes"?

James: Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hoes.

[marauderstars]

Remus: Exactly how dumb does Regulus think you are?

James: Sometimes he leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list.

[skullmakesmelaugh]

Barnes: Your presence is annoying

Lockwood: How so?

Barnes: You irritate me beyond belief

Barnes: but the thought of anything bad happening to you is unbearable

[incorrectfatui]

Arlecchino: *shatters a window and climbs through it*  Arlecchino: *turns around and helps Lynette through it* Breaking and entering is wrong Lynette.  Lynette: Okay.

[thatdarnchat]

Big peepee

I got a super penis

[protagaster]

Calypso, gesturing to her fellow suitresses and their collective guards: HAH! You really think you can beat all 108 of us by yourself?

Penelope: I was forced to take my husband's place in a war that lasted for damn near a decade.

Penelope: After that I had my journey home delayed multiple times by many different gods, watched as every single member of my crew died a horrible and painful death, and was then left imprisoned for 7 years on an island with a man who didn't know the meaning of the word "no".

Penelope: When one of those previously aforementioned Gods tried to further block my journey home, I proceeded to stab her with her own trident.

Calypso and the rest of the suitresses: [stunned silence]

Penelope: I'd start running if I were you.

[hpseeker99]

*Hermione receiving nudes from Ron* Hermione: These are high quality tf? Ain't no way you took these pictures, did you get a photoshoot done? Ron: Harry helped Hermione: Fuck you mean "Harry helped"?

[sweaty-toothed-mad-woman]

Charlie: *about Todd’s shoes* oh, they’re so cute, right?

Neil: yeah, Todd’s cute.

Charlie:

Charlie: that’s—

Charlie: that’s not what I meant

[nixster627]

Nie Huaisang: Wei-xiong, he may be a 10 but-

Wei Wuxian: But nothing. Lan Zhan is perfect.

Nie Huaisang: He talks to the bunnies like they are people.

Wei Wuxian: Which is adorable.