#okay i’ll just go fuck myself then?
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my brother coming home after months to talk about how repulsive being a lesbian and same sex marriage is is so not where i thought my night was going! 😁
#okay i’ll just go fuck myself then?#you’re gonna have a sister in law whether you like it or not asshole#i’m so!#happy!#lyn speaks ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
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I’m currently hyperfixated rereading Ftfo and can barely do any drawing but I’m trying!!! ‘^’ Designs are easier to draw for some reason so might see only those for a bit T-T
anyways have my version of Lord Lunar’s Gemini! They get fun new outfits!!!
#my artwork#fnaf#tsams#tsams au#tsams Lord lunar au#tsams castor#tsams pollux#tsams gemini#laes castor#laes pollux#laes gemini#the lunar and earth show#tlaes au#tlaes#little rant incoming#feel free to ignore#bro I’m recognizing the difference between a fun interest and a hyperfication and it’s not fun#I really wanna finish rereading ftfo but i keep having to force myself to be like ‘Take a break#go draw and such’ ect#because I’m just not moving for such long periods of time and I physically have to force my brain to stop skipping lines because I genuinely#can’t focus#and#if I stop for too long I’m so worried I’ll lose interest#want to finish ftfo but hyperfication is so bad#T-T#anyways#drink some fucking water#y’all#(don’t worry to much about me btw I’m doing okay and still taking care of myself just a lil frustrated)#(oh and ftfo is an undertale fanfic btw For the Forgotten Ones by I’m_Sorry_Buddy on Ao3 it’s freaking awesome)
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I’m shadowing at the vet clinic in 2 days and I’m clearly not nervous at all because I definitely didn’t have a long winding, distressing dream in which the veterinarian made me play a game in which leif had to throw food at people and maki kicked his ass so bad that leif fucking died but don’t worry because the vet was there and he has magic healing powers and he brought leif back to life but he made sure to mention for some reason that leif doesn’t have chlorophyll because he’s not a plant
#what’s up guys I’m not nervous in the slightest#there was more to the dream but that part was the most vivid#I slept through the whole night the other night for the first time in months and I was really hoping that it’d happen again#WRONG that was a fluke. woke up like 4 times#sigh OKAY!!!#if I disappear from the face of the earth on Monday it’s because I did something so embarrassing that I went to go live in a hole#it’s three hours what’s the worst I could do CLEARLY MY DREAM THINKS A LOT COULD GO WRONG#notes to self. do not show up an hour late. do not forget your shoes#and f-y-fucking-i do NOT quote finch holy SHIT#that was a horrible dream I made a total ass of myself#I fear it will come true because. I have a tendency to say and do the wrong thing#it is all replaying in my head…..the time a girl called me pretty and I just stared at her and walked away…….#the time I said ‘I don’t say thank you to anyone’ instead of ‘I’m not ignoring your compliment I just have selective mutism’#the time I accidentally angrily screamed ‘GOOD MORNING’ at an old man because I couldn’t control my tone of voice#< actually he deserved that lmao he yelled at me first. fuck that guy frfr that was traumatic#this is just my stream of consciousness atp hey guys I’ll shut up now
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insane how quickly something small can tank my mood
#i am so tired of being cut off when i’m talking#esp when someone doesn’t even care enough to realize i was over halfway through a sentence#and doesn’t ask what i was saying#or when they just make it incredibly obvious they weren’t paying attention or outright don’t care what i’m talking about#even when i’m talking super excitedly#it makes me feel so fucking small and unimportant#like yeah i guess the shit i say doesn’t matter 99% of the time but it matters to ME#but it hurts so bad when i get cut off only for someone else to say stuff entirely unrelated#and to then just like. stream of consciousness ramble every thought that enters their head#like okay. cool. awesome. alright#my mom does that all the time i’ll be telling her something and then i’ll get cut off or she’ll wait til i’m done#to out of nowhere start telling me super in depth life histories of people she hasn’t seen since she was a child. or people i don’t know.#and it’ll always be so in depth about so many people idk OR so fucking vague i get confused as hell#in the typical boomer just needs to talk at someone or hear their own voice way (sorry ily mom)#and i know i can go on for ages about fandom shit that confuses her or she doesn’t know about but#idk. i do not have much else in my life right now. and i only have her and my sibling and very very few friends that aren’t online#and even irl friends i only see a couple times a year each if i’m lucky#i just hate my life lol and i need to stop before i spiral#i have already gone on long enough and will be embarrassed when i come back to delete this because honestly who gives a shit#i need to get over myself#to be deleted#personal
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genuine question how do u get over ur fear of existing
#i haven’t been able to rly let myself enjoy my new job without stressing about whether it’s enough#and i know it is because other people work here with the same paycheck and live alone and happy#but i cant let myself believe that like. i’ll ever be okay on my own#i think ive been rly conditioned to think i’ll fail no matter what even though i know i wont#like i’m fucking smart im competent i have proved it i can live on my own i AM independent#but literally this house is a jail cell it gets to a point where i don’t even notice the days go by#i have never felt like a real person until i moved out for those few months and that was so scary#like. how do i get over that fear of screwing my life over and just fucking go out and live#dl
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#im so fucked. im so so fucked#i just woke up slightly hungover and took a shot#very bad development in the alcohol dependency department#and im trying to be like whatever hair of the dog common occurrence. however ik it’s way more serious than that#i fucking hate being sober to the point it’s going to ruin my life#but drinking is such a huge reprieve from the bullshit that i can barely care#im so fucked. lmao#ik i cld just ask my brother to stop buying it or keeping liquor around but i cannot bring myself to give it up#it’s always i’ll think about it tmrw. i’ll deal with it tmrw. but tmrw never comes#why can’t i just be fucking normal why can’t i just be happy without being under the influence of Something. hell not even happy why can’t#i just be content.#ive always been like this. i still remember my first drink and i remember the first time i drank to escape and i havent gotten away from it#since#idk how to. i think itll always just be like this til i die. i dont think im capable of not being this#i dont think i was capable of ever being. a person. to be begin with#i get this awful feeling i shouldve never existed in this form#and i’ll do anything to just feel okay. to feel relatively normal. hence why im here#fucking whatever my life is so worthless anyway may as well just drink myself to death honestly
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I love the sims 2 because it will completely wreck your shit right when you’re least expecting it
#i’ll set the scene for you: i’m doing the prosperity challenge (basically a challenge where you create a number of completely randomised#families and you play them in rotation. rules vary but generally the goal is to make all your sims as successful as possible#and it’s meant to add some variety and drama to the game)#so i’ve played through the first four families which were all some variation of either grandparents or teenagers looking after kids#just because that’s how my rolls fell. so i got to the last house which was just one adult man and i was like okay.#i JUST need an heir out of him. just ONE. and things were going great! he already had a boyfriend (the random uncle of the first family#i played realllly liked him and i was like ‘this might as well happen’) so i had them try for baby. then his dream job (slacker lol)#came up in the newspaper on the FIRST DAY and he kept getting promoted! i also had him adopt a stray dog i thought was cute#his pregnancy went unbelievably well. he only passed out while eating one time. i allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of security#and then mans ✨WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND GAVE BIRTH TO QUADRUPLETS✨#look this is honestly on me for downloading the triplets and quads mod. i don’t even know why i do it. just for the risk factor?#regardless there was only a 3% chance for this and yet it STILL happened. on the first birth in the neighbourhood no less!!!!!#bear in mind this man is living in a 2 bedroom starter home; has one paycheque (GROCERY STORE CLERK) AND he’s just spent a bunch of money#on his new dog. and we can’t exactly sell the dog’s stuff because it’s essentials#i managed to find the money for 4 cribs and a nanny fucking Somehow. and then carnage ensued#i don’t think this man bathed for 3 days. i got the dog a job and then realised it got weekends off so wouldn’t be going#aging them all up into toddlers aged ME. i think they’re technically classified as some being a day older than the others but idc#i’ll rectify it at the next birthday. or at one of their birthdays anyway#it was just SO messy. next rotation should be better though??? i had him marry the kids’ other father (who is an elder so will probably be#around approximately 5 minutes) who bought in exactly £5 but at least there’s an extra person to change diapers and get bottles#i see a lot of nannies in these kids’ future i fear#personal
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Actually now I think about it. We’re barely scratched the SURFACE that is my Big Brained Thoughts About Radio Star. so to fix that here’s me throwing damn near all the drawings I never showed y’all. go bonkers. also im not going to explain a SINGLE ONE OF THESE you have to find any possible context in the tags im so sorry
oh thats. l. less than i thought. uhm.
can i offer you then This Thing
and uhhh uhh uh. scrambles. some select Words from my Note and Document about him respectively
ok so funny story. half my radio star content is straight up Missing :)
#im not the least bit upset about that :)))))))) (i am sobbing into my pillow hes just GONE i LOST the FRAGMENTS of his SOUL)#okay well i have. an IDEA of where most of it is#but i dont want to go into that place (the dms of a dead person) because I Dont Want To#unForTUnAtLeY FoR Me i have TWO reasons now to go there. FUCK#i’ll just wait till it builds up to five. it’ll get there eventually#anyways tags#just dance#just dance 3#video killed the radio star#i changed my mind im explaining ONE OF THESE:#he is French :) ok tgats all#hes MY favourite coach so I GET TO MAKE THE CORRECT HEADCANONS!!!! /hj#oh no. i tricked myself into thinking about a blorbo. damn you consequences of my actions!#I JUST NOTICED THAT ALMOST ALL THE FIRST FOUR DRAWINGS APPEAR IN THE COLLAGE. THATS SO FUNNY
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oh, random thursday in october, i wish you’d go fuck yourself <3
#anyways i’m depressed today#and i’m not gonna jump ahead and be all ‘i’m in a depressive episode’#bc the jury’s still out on that one#but it’s not often that i a have a random day of depression that isn’t followed by a full episode#which is great!#granted i could also be coming on my period#bc i do feel bloated and also just all round gross#but also could maybe be both#that happens at times#my period doesn’t discriminate against my depressive episodes#when she comes she comes she doesn’t care#i also don’t know if it’s gonna be a full manic episode again#or like as bad as it was back in june#bc i was really bad in june#like at least the mania back in february gave me a break#june was just none stop horrors™️#why has this year been the longest year of my fuckin life#and that literally includes the years i was going through severe medical trauma#i’m really really lonely also#but i feel like i’m bothering everyone#what fuckin else is new?#sorry to everyone i say i’ll be there for and then i’m never there ✌🏻🤪✌🏻#i’m not exactly the safe place i wish i could be#i’m not even a safe place for MYSELF#so you’re probably better off#i don’t know if i deserve to ask ppl to talk to me when i won’t do the same thing x#okay but the thing is i know i can get through this bc i always do#i just wish i didn’t have to#bc shit’s fucking exhausting to constantly go through every few months#like we get it i have a depressive disorder 😒
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Man I just give up.
#dora daily#if only there was a way to just stop everything#idk if I want to die but I want everything to stop#like so many times I go out or smth and something bad happens#or I get triggered in public and I try so hard not to lose myself and start drama in public but I just can’t#every time I show any emotion people start laughing#I can’t even try to stop myself from bawling in the middle of the store without someone#just being so insensitive and rude and diminishing how I feel#you know I say I’m never mad and that is true bc I may seem mad a lot online but I’m not like this irl#but for the first time I actually got mad at someone irl and I was literally gonna beat him#I was genuinely seething so bad it’s not fair and things keep getting worse and worse#I was so close to just throwing this stupid phone and shattering it and ripping up those dumbass#birthday cards they sell in the store#and that stupid bitch of a sister I have is so fucking stupid#she sees someone anxious and incredibly upset and she acts like that ? fuck her#like bro idek how I have lived for this long and idek why I don’t go and just overdose on SOMETHING right now because#logically speaking I should just give up#but I don’t know why I can’t#like please my life is literal shit okay is replying on time so hard for you to fucking do so I don’t go even more insane fuck all of youuuu#UGHHHDJSOS#I SWEAR TO GOD I am so sick of this just you all wait#none of you deserve normal treatment all you deserve is something even worse than ghosting#just you wait let this stupid semester end and I’ll deactivate my socials go speak to the fucking wall you morons#you think I’m gonna wait around what are you paying me to be here ? if anything IM paying with my sanity#like if this was related to a spouse who was a billionaire but he was treating me as shittily as you guys treat me then I’ll say fine#at least I’m getting something out of this transaction who gives a fuck#but im not getting paid#im not receiving support#I’m getting laughed at and ignored#and used only at YOUR CONVENIENCE !!! what the FUCK ! I don’t exist for anyone and certainly not yall even if I did.
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diversity loss! local autistic forced to deal with plans being suddenly changed
#I am going. to kill someone#like I get the cause of this was something out of anyone’s hands. it’s not my sisters fault things changed.#but we went from ‘I’ll come down Monday + Tuesday to help you move then drive to the lake for the rest of the week’#to ‘actually we’re moving tomorrow can you make it a day trip and then leave Saturday for the lake w everyone else’#and like. sure. arguably this is a ‘better’ set up but. I fucking HATE change like this#especially bc it’s so late like. okay then guess I’ll fuck myself.#I need to go unpack all my shit (bc I was being GOOD and doing shit EARLY for once!) and repack for the new plans#and like. fucking emotionally prepare for this new change bc I wasn’t THINKING this was gonna happen. im not READY yknow?#idk. fucking. slams autistic diagnostic ‘inflexible adherence to routines’#my ROUTINE has been CHANGED (on top of ALREADY being disturbed by this whole trip) and it’s causing DISTRESS#< like. dw I’m fine i just need to be a bitch about it for a bit
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we’re really in it now boys
#first time in a long time the thought crossed my mind to start purging again. damn#it’s crazy how my body’s reaction to a lack of control in my emotional life is to just. fuck shit up crazy style#I’m a small amount pleased with myself for not going through with it and like. a small win is still a win right now#I’ll be okay and everything but I WILL be vagueposting on here to get my feelings out#if you know me irl. hi. sorry. love you#personal#tw ed
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small talking to myself kinda post pay no mind
#I’ve been wondering a lot about myself and my place in things again lately#Been thinking about my identity and who I want to present as and how I act#Someone who I used to consider my best friend broke me down so miserably that I’ve grown to hate myself for everything-#that they would shit on me for.#It makes me think about when I was like that to someone I cared about#And it makes me really fucking sad#I’m proud to say I’m not that person anymore but knowing I invited it back into my life-#through another person that I continuously made excuses for#It’s like I felt obligated to be miserable as some stupid egotistic self righteous karma#And I truly hate that. I hate that I let it go on for so long because I hated myself too much to change it#It’s okay now but I still reflect on it often#I’m constantly wondering if I’ll go back to being shitty or if I’m letting myself be abused again#It’s messed with my view of myself. My view of my looks. Of my gender. Of my trauma#Of my humor. Of my tastes. Literally everything#I haven’t been able to repair my trust with myself enough to trust others and it fuckin blows man#It sounds stupid saying it out loud I guess#But I can’t keep bottling it or I might implode#I think that things will be fine with time and continued effort#Just need to spend some time really thinking about where I want to be in the future#I think I want to start therapy but voluntarily this time#Maybe a professional will be able to help me sort it out#vent#rant
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okay I severely misjudged spaghetti guy he’s actually just really cool
#okay so I came to this flat and he wasn’t here. greeted by a very dirty flat with shit all over the kitchen counters over cling film#I meet first my other flatmate who told me he stays in his room constantly bc of previous bad flatmates#has literally just a saucepan and some salt in the kitchen. so I’m like okay spaghetti guy potentially not great but could just be#how this guy is yknow#on Tuesday I get an email back saying he’s coming back from Norway tonight looking forward to seeing you feel free to use the kitchen sauces#rlly friendly message that I wasn’t expecting. I also didn’t know he’d been on a trip i just knew he wasn’t there bc his door was open#(to a REALLY nice room. multiple rlly nice plants (which he has little care labels for!!!) and it’s tidy and pretty#and he’s got a sheep teddy on the bed)#meanwhile I am in my own head bc I don’t wanna cook in the kitchen until I can clean it and I can’t clean it without moving his shit and#I haven’t seen him yet to talk abt it and I can’t bring myself to talk to him immediately bc I’m dying#and embarrassed as hell by how I’ve been cooking in my room with a microwave and air fryer (loud) and sneaking my shit out of the kitchen#but then yesterday I DO talk to him!! and he’s super friendly!! actually interested in having a conversation and Good at it.#and then he’s cooking and like. spaghetti burns but I’m not there for long and seems to be a mistake (he made the same thing for lunch today#and did Not burn the spaghetti) and is otherwise clearly competent bc the food smells Good and despite leaving a few things out it’s like#washed up stuff isn’t dirty and the sides are better despite still under cling film. more a case that he’s spread out than he’s messy#and now today we talked and i offered to hold onto some shit over summer bc complicated situation that boils down to he’s flying back home#and he cant take all his stuff and had to choose between chucking stuff/having literally nothing this weekend. like sleeping on the sofa etc#and then cleans the whole flat?? which I’m assuming a good chunk is his mess? but he did not need to do that. could’ve easily left#bc there are two people still living here who would’ve had to deal with it and he doesn’t know either at all#and THEN tonight we talk abt food which is fun bc we both ordered stuff. and he offers me some honeydew melon bc he’s been gorging himself#these past two days to finish it before it goes bad/he leaves which is also really sweet#and JUST NOW. I take my headphones out after finishing dinner and hear the sweetest fucking guitar#he plays the gentlest like dreamy sounding acoustic guitar I’ve heard in my life in his room (door closed by the time I leave)#this is actually just a really cool dude#now that the kitchens clear I’m gonna cook tomorrow and will probably offer him some bc otherwise he’s gonna be eating out all weekend#he has extra takeout for tomorrow night but might want smth Sunday#regardless I am just. huh??? left a bit stunned bc of the u turn my opinion of this guy has taken. bc my opinion of him was a reflection#of my discomfort moving to this weird dirty basement flat with two people I didn’t know#well. idk where to go from here. I think I’ll start by talking to him more this weekend. bc holy fucking shit.#luke.txt
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me when my parents make me act like the worst version of myself to cope with being around them and they hate me for it
#like wtf did I do#I did absolutely nothing and my mom is literally being awful to me#now she keeps on talking to my dad about how I’ll go on about how IM the victim like what the fuck#whenever I’m upset or sad I ”make myself the victim” but it’s okay for my brother#like did you guys wonder why am I the way that I am#I’ve had to withstand the most of your bullying throughout my life and I had to adapt to it#no one wanted to be nice to me ever#even now i feel guilty for just being upset because I “shouldnt act like the victim”#I’ve said nothing
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lowkey. Not over my ex at all
#It’s been months man#And yet I still feel the ever lasting effects#Am k cruel? Manipulative? I don’t think I am but he said I was and I so badly want to believe it#Cuz maybe I’ll actually fix what’s wrong with me and people will actually love me#also s very love sick in the sense that I need someone to be in love with me#But going t4t hasn’t worked out that well for me (cough cough my ex..)#N I don’t wanna fuck up coming out to any cis guys#Which idek if I truly like them or if I’m just so desperate I’ll fall in love with anyone as long as they treat me right#I think one of th things keeping me from getting over him is the fact that he was so affectionate??? And I had gotten so used to that#Constant feeling cuz I never really had it before and now that I don’t have it anymore I don’t know what to do with myself#Not to mention I’m too scared to do all that again because he always wanted more despite my protests#I fucking hate this. How can I be touch starved and repulsed at the same time#I can’t do this shit anymore man. Fuck.#Vent#There r certain people o wish could see this but none of them use tumblr fuck fuck fuck#Me when one had mild crushes on cis guys )okay maybe just one that I don’t even think saw me as a real friend in the one semester k had wit#Him…) but we’re so different and I think he hates me and he’s friends with my friends and ijhhhhwj#I hate hate hate love#Hate being in love. Hate that I can’t be in love. Hate that nobody loves me#I actually cannot take this shit anymore it’s one of the only things that truly ever gets to me anymore
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