#i also don’t know if it’s gonna be a full manic episode again

[gregmarriage]

oh, random thursday in october, i wish you’d go fuck yourself <3

[memecucker]

is there a difference between using pornography as a coping mechanism and addiction?? bc I know someone who used porn in the same way some ppl do alcohol amd it impacted his relationships until he got therapy (just normal kind not conversion or anything) and he got more self confident and addressed his underlying issues n found other more social ways of coping/stress relief, is that not addiction??? Or just llle, maladaptive behavior???

It can definitely be a coping mechanism but (again I don’t know your friend so I’m speaking generally here) alcohol is a bit different because it is an addictive substance and that is gonna effect their brains in a way that say watching tv shows as a coping mechanism would not even after their mental episode is over.

Whether or not porn as a coping mechanism is healthy depends on the circumstances and the person. It could be distracting from solving problems (which it sounds like was the case with your friend) by being a low effort way to pass the time or it could be a perfectly safe way to ride out a mood cycle

I don’t talk about it too much bc I don’t have to but I have bipolar where I mostly cycle through (hypo)manic and mixed (as in a mix of hypomania and depression) episodes and then rarely full depressive episodes. For me this type of coping mechanism isn’t the best when dealing with mixed episodes bc I tend to hyperfocus on a coping mechanism to the exclusion of anything else but also it inherently comes with diminishing returns so I usually end up favoring some repetitious games or whatever more. When I have had full depressive episodes I’d say it’s was good and a sign of progress when I started looking at porn again bc full depression for me involves wanting to stay in bed all day and finding going to the bathroom and eating food to be miserable chores I’d only do when I started to feel physical discomfort. Doing literally any activity of any kind and enjoying it is a sign that things were heading on up (and also my libido is returning). But that’s also my rarest mood so it doesn’t come up too often

[granitenotgranted]

I'm gonna need ur reaction and thoughts about the RaM finale once you've watched it

I only watched it yesterday so im not gonna have any hot and spicy new takes for yall but ya girl DID have some thoughts lets go (obviously spoiler warning)

thank you SO SO much for asking!! I’m honored that you want my takes<33

Listen I hate to say it but I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!! GOD!!! 😭😭😭

I just need to come out here and say this but first of all I dont think Rick replacing himself was really a bad thing,,,, like at all LMAO especially knowing that it was Rick who made him I mean it was more than just a replacement he was made to be the grandpa he wants for morty but he just knows he can’t be right now.

I can fully understand how it would absolutely feel like a betrayal to Morty but looking at it as a viewer I mean Rick was fully spiraling, to me his intentions were completely pure. Also I thik im just grateful they gave us a time stamp for when the swap was made so we didnt have to wonder forever how much of Rick this season was Rick. He still did piss master, he still kept Jerry blissfully ignorant just out of good will, he STILL WILLINGLY WENT TO THERAPY. All these wouldve been out the window if theyd overlooked that detail. 

Him recognizing that he was starting to go off the deep end again and not only removing himself but having his familys best interest in mind ( “Im no good to anyone until I resolve this” ) while doing so AND literally while mad at Morty is still INSANE character growth from where we started but this way is REALISTIC character growth. It was WEIRD how black and white the difference between literally yhe last two episodes and even just the rest of the season (which has famously been Rick in his peak good grandpa career) was. At some points it felt like I was reading fanfiction.

(Why do his knees look like that oh my god) Rick is fully capable of recognizing where he can be better, he always has been, he is not stupid *however* he is CLUTCHING onto the idea of being more logical than sentimental by the fucking neck rn. Men will literally build an anatomically flawless ai to be the perfectly calculated percentage nicer to their grandson and to be the man they wish they were before just going back to therapy.

Someone else mentioned this but ill also point out how much I appreciated just seeing Rick working? Like just in his space completely focused building shit with his brain and hands that hit the fucking spot. 9/10 times we only get the finished product and idk if its just me but I love when we SEE Rick living up to the Rick Sanchez tm reputation.

And Morty... my sweet summer child. It is not at all a shiny new take to say oh he’s so done with ricks shit we all know that but I really really want to point out something that I’m not really sure what point I’m trying to make with but have we noticed almost a switch morty flips when on adventures? He cried because Christmas was ruined like not even a full 6 hours before he was fully ready to kill a man while looking him in the eyes. Maybe the two were cause and effect idk bht I think that’s definitely something present in other episodes too this sorta “just get it done” attitude.

Also how much he sounded like rick this ep? That whole “don’t be too flattered he’s been actively trying to die” sounded EXACTLY like a Rick line I literally had to play it again. And the complete apathy for robo rick wanting to die until he ACTUALLY lunged himself into the void was also just textbook rick bullshit. Like grandfather like goddamn grandson.

The ending to me was a little disappointing tbh I think I was hoping for a more,,, structured? Cliffhanger? Like we dk what’s gonna happen in this storyline instead of the introduction to a new storyline yk? MAYBEEE I’m just salty we have to wait another year for more you can’t prove anything.

Rick being borderline manic ab RP at the end was my favorite it’s nice to see him just rant ab anything really and like not make some bullshit elaborate Halloween house to take his anger out but just legit vent ab what this guys been doing to him for the past fucking 40 years. I didn’t even notice the ep was over when the credits rolled in my mind we were only like 10 minutes in and I lost my MIND when mr poopy butthole pulled up again good to see he’s thriving (kinda)

On a final note when he called him Rick prime please let me know if I’m off but is that not an internet term for him? Like the fandom came up with it? Rick and morty writers are tumblerinas confirmed question mark?

And lastly: Neurotypical. Cooties.

[television-pil0t]

Also the reason I was seen to be schizophrenic was mostly because when I was going though it 🤭(that’s not funny at all I lost all my friends) I was having all the schizophrenic symptoms when I was psychotic/ still am it takes a week or something idk. Still taking my meds even tho a good part of me is telling me to stop being there bad I’m gonna ignore it because that’s literally textbook psycho.

I think my last diagnosis was being schizoaffective. I have to ask my parents for the paper because I’m genuinely curious.

I’m pretty like 99% sure I’m diagnose schizoaffective because of how much it was talked about like “are you ok with this.” But also just the very very violent nature of me kinda pushed it a lot. If it’s not aspd it’s definitely bpd and schizoaffective. It would explain both the loss of emotions yet the full scale emotional range. The anger, the violent thoughts, the depression, the hallucinations and delusions I have on a very frequent basis. And the mania since bpd didn’t have manic episodes it has euphoric episodes but I do experience mania from time to time.

They also gave me some Anticonvulsants with I haven’t taken but they control violent behavior and mood swings so 🤷🏽‍♂️

They also talked to my parents about more than just therapy but full of skill training which i didn’t even know that was a thing but it’s basically like a group that teaches you how to show emotions and interact with other humans in a human way. How to react to things. How to.. be normal basically.

But yeah. So

So I don’t think I have aspd because I’ve genuinely loved people before. Exhibit A is my MOTHER as exhibit B is everyone else in my damn life. I just forget what the feeling is like and then forget I ever felt it and then spiral from them. It’s more of a me thing and how I genuinely need to think like a normal person and stop wanting to be actually.. worshiped but yeah.

I loved my mommy even tho she did bad things.

I love my friends even though I have no internet to them almost all the time.

I loved all my exs.. including Simon, khye… actually that’s it. Everyone else sucked it was only them..

Edit: so.. reading over everything I said for the past very long time of saying how much I wanna hurt Simon and kill my parents.. I should’ve been.. checked in.. a very.. very.. very long time ago. :/

“I can’t believe that faggot would treat me like this I’m gonna bash his brains in” is NOT normal💯🅱️🫵🏾 it was very clear that I was having a episode for a very long while.

Cuz at first I was like “what the fuck like this episode was so short like a few days.” Bro look around💀 look at your leg. Look at your tumblr. You talked about killing this person so much you forgot you felt the emotion love bro. It wasn’t a few days.

Thinking about it MORE I remember having a conversation with him (kinda remember) where I was like “I just don’t remember anything that happened today. I don’t fucking know lol” what was the funny part about that sentence babe🤨 we’re waiting to laugh.

“I never loved him.” Bro a few days ago you typed a poem about how much YOU DID love him? What are you on rn?? NOTHING AND THAT WAS LITERALLY THE ISSUE. What do you mean you never loved your mother. Bro be so fuckin fr that was your day 1 hold it down one and only homie till y’all die bonnie and Clyde bitch right there. You did everything for her💀 your only alive because of her. Whatchu mean?

“I never loved daemon.” Yes. Ya did.

“I never loved Simon.” Bro it was 3 years where you cut and cried over him for a few.. DAYS. Let’s be fr babe🤭 I know you where having a really bad episode for a few months but let’s come back down to reality. Be real. It was 3 years and you literally DIDNT wanna break up with him. You said take a break because your stomach PHYSICALLY was HURTING at the thought of breaking up with him💀 try that shit again bitch ass nigga and I will beat the sit outta you (talking to myself.)

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[theunderneath]

Ok ok ok hear me out there's supposed to be a wealthy map of the world at this island. And the straw hats make it go the island and just find this princess looking girl and no one else other than statues. Nami connects two dots this princess is the world map because of her connection to these statues and she becomes obsessed with this princess.

Ok ok ok, I heard you out. Interesting idea but I’m pretty sure I’ve heard it before, but I read a lot of fanfics and they get jumbled up in my head soooooo- Anyways I don’t know how the statues thing would work so I’m gonna make the map be on the princess, like a tatoo. If you want to request again with a bit more info I would gladly do this ask again.

Nami

“You're a LIVING MAP!”

Nami meets you while you walk around your garden full of statues, your clothes loose on your skin with ink markings that depict strange images. She treats you normally since you're just a rich person she can exploit at first. That was until she started to put together that the markings on your skin and the statues in your garden lead to something bigger.

After that, she tries to get closer wanting to see the rest of the map. Nami in her greed ends up slowly falling for you because she's trying to steal away your secrets. You two grow closer and she falls hard for you. Before she knows it she's inviting you to the beach not to gaze upon your tattoos but to see your body.

After a while, you probably grow to trust her before desiring to share the secrets of your body markings. You tell her what she figured out long ago, that your tattoos and statues lead to a place you have never seen. (Since if you could read the map yourself, you'd probably have the treasure yourself)

She asked you if you want her to find this treasure, to be taken with her on the Going Marry/Thousand Sunny. Now it all depends on the answer that you give to her.

If you say yes, she'll gently encourage you to strip so she can gaze fully onto the map. She watches as you disrobe, shyly and slowly, Nami can't help but praise and encourage you while she copies your tattoos down. Her hands trace and rub over the markings, almost worshiping your skin while she writes down everything on paper. Soon these touches turn sensual and the paper is forgotten, her feelings becoming clear to you as she also strips.

If you say no, she'll look sad (almost offended) before telling you she understands. All she asks is that the crew can stay one more day to have a going away party on the island. Sanji cooks, Brook sings, and Zoro breaks out the booze. The music is loud and everyone is happy dancing and partying. In all the commotion you surely won't notice the spiked drink Nami hands you.

You will awaken with a huge hangover while the Stawhates pirate ship sails on the sea, your little island not in view. You might pitch a fit but Nami will be there to meet you. She will explain how trusting you were, too trusting. She couldn't let you rot on that island for some other evil pirate to steal you. So she stole you first.

You might go to the crew but Nami has gotten to them first. She has spun a tail of how your mind is not your own, that someone trapped you on that island long ago and marked your skin. So the crew in your panic, just thinks you're having a manic episode. Some of them might see through Nami's lies, but she's just so happy with you on the ship. How could they say no to her?

[courtney-deserved-better]

whats ur writing schedule/process like! not in a “write faster” way, but i think once you mentioned writing in script form? and i like the way you wrote ur most recent fic! just curious bc ur works are just really good :)

this is a great question!!

if its not slippery slopes, ill usually get an idea for something and periodically jot down notes when they come to me until I feel like i have enough information to start writing (or if im just motivated), that's what i did for my horror challenge rewrite. and for stuff that's like... rewrites of an episode that aren't as character-focused as slippery slopes, i usually read the episode transcripts and try to replicate that total drama style with my own writing

for shorter oneshots, i usually just get a vague idea and run with it until i find a good ending spot, then i go back and clean it up a bit so the structure works

slippery slopes is an... interesting cycle. chapters are getting long enough that i cant just write them in one sitting any more (i think ch5 was the last chapter i did that for) and instead ill agonize over the beginning (always the hardest part to write for me) but once i get going with that i usually finish the chapter within a few days. then i reread the previous chapter to make sure it flows ok (and there aren't any contradictions) and then ill give myself a break where i dont do anything total drama related before coming back to edit and post. though before I do all that I type up notes and rough dialogue bits

and then once i post it it's like... a weight off my chest? like ive been purged or something?? idk its a weird sensation but im just like i Physically Cannot Write Anything For This Right Now and i don't start on the next chapter until that goes away. and then i either start the beginning and do nothing for a week before going back and finishing the chapter or i go into a manic state and write nonstop for a few days. right now i haven't reached a point where im ready to begin writing chapter 10 but i have a lot of notes for it.

(also as soon as i finish posting a chapter i try not to go on my laptop for like 12 hours so i don't obsessively refresh my email for comments. i love reading comments so much holy shit. please comment guys it makes fic authors feel so happy we will love you for it)

as for scripts: i am working on being a writer professionally, but specifically a playwright. writing in a script format comes more naturally to me than writing prose. funnily enough, i started posting fanfic just to practice my prose (and fix stuff in cobra kai that i didnt like) but things sort of... ended up here? idk man but im enjoying it.

right, so because writing in a script format is easier when im really struggling with a section in a fic ill usually scrap whatever i had and write it like a script, then translate that into prose. i was very excited to write the family videos for chapter 9 of slippery slopes, but i was Having Issues, so i redid it as a script and then rewrote that as prose. ill put the script version under the cut if you're interested in that.

but thank you so much for the question!! i do think my writing process is a bit unconventional but hey i think things are turning out well! if you have any more questions feel free to send them in!!

ok here is the last scene of ch 9 of slippery slopes in script format:

[SIERRA]

MOM: Hi honey! Omigosh this is so exciting! I bet you’re having such a great time! Especially since Chris is there! Is Chris watching this? Hi Chris! You know, I loooved you on that ice skating show. Your hair was fantastic! Well, it always is, haha. Do you really make your own hair gel? I’ve been trying to perfect the recipe but you’re just so hard to track down! Oh, you’re such a funny guy! I laughed sooo hard when you made all those jokes about marrying Chef.

Chef: hey!

Chris: ok just for the record, I wasn’t joking, we are married, Sierra tell your mom we’re married

Sierra: …can we just turn it off please

[COURTNEY]

DAD: Courtney, sayang, I know you’ve been going through a lot right now—

MOM: So you’d BETTER make it count. You’ve made it this far before, I want to see you getting all the way to the finale this time. And winning it. Enough moping about those hideous, good-for-nothing slackers! That’s what you get for hanging around freaks like them. You’re doing this for the million, now get the million. Is that clear?

ZARINA: And kick ass!

DAD: Zarina!

Video cuts out.

Alejandro: courtney you good?

Courtney: no, she’s right. Mama didn’t raise no quitter

Alejandro: [knows she’s still upset about duncan and gwen]

[ALEJANDRO]

MOM: Hola, Alejandro. We hope you are doing well, especially in such unsavory conditions. I’m glad to see you’ve made it to the final four— we expected nothing less, of course.

DAD: You have been utilizing your skills quite well. Though I wish you hadn’t been so… blatant about it. You’ll have to work twice as hard once this is over to convince people you’re trustworthy. But surely you were aware of that going into this… odd endeavor. That’s just politics. Reputation is everything.

JOSE: [snorts] Oh, and what a reputation you have, Al. I could easily compile hours of footage of your failures, but I, unlike you, do not waste my time on the frivolities of reality television. Though you always have been lacking in taste. Especially with that bratty girlfriend of yours— oh, my mistake, aren’t you dating the whiny weakling? It’s so hard to keep track! [laughs]

Alejandro: callate!

MOM: I’m sure Alejandro is just working an angle on them.

DAD: Whatever the case is, do not disappoint us.

[NOAH]

MOM: Hi Noah, I’m sorry, I don’t have time to record a full video, but I’m proud of you! Here are your sisters!

ISWARI: A million dollars? A million [bleep] dollars? Win it, Noah! Win it!

RUTH: Dude!! This is crazy! I know you can do this— good luck! Ark misses you! [holds up Ark who barks]

MARA: Are you insane? Why aren’t you dating Alejandro already?

Noah: shut up, mara, just because you can’t keep a boyfriend—

ANYA: Don’t let ‘em trick you! No mercy! Crush their skulls if you have to— no, wait, you’re not strong enough for that. We’ll get there!

LIYA: I say this as your sister, someone who loves you but is constantly annoyed by you— for someone who is quite literally a genius, you sure can be an idiot sometimes.

BALLARI: Okay, I literally have no idea how you’ve made it this far without an athletic bone in your body— are we sure you aren’t adopted? I’m kidding

ABS: You’re stubborn as hell when it comes to me, so you better be stubborn as hell when it comes to winning! And when you do win, get me a frozen yogurt machine, will you? I promise I won’t make you rock climb again!

JAEL: If you lose this, I’ll kill you with this racket. And then use your guts to make myself a new racket. So don’t fuck it up. Again.

Noah: [frozen, ashamed]

Sierra: well that was a mess

Courtney: ok show of hands, who felt better after hearing that? [no one raises hands]

Chris: yeah I was expecting this to be a lot more heartwarming…

Chef: chris just look at them. If they had stable home lives they wouldn’t be doing reality tv

Alejandro: can we please stop talking about this. Also aren’t you supposed to be flying the plane

Chef: oh fuck

Chris: yeah sure. I think im gonna call my mom

Everyone: …

Noah: ok so that was really shitty. Why dont we all go to first class and try and ignore our problems

Everyone: yeah ok sounds good

***

Courtney: so that sucked

Alejandro: at least your dad seems ok

Courtney: true. What are your guys dads like

Noah and Sierra: bold of you to assume I know my dad. Jinx

***

Alejandro: that last girl… you mentioned a sister who does tennis and hates you

Noah: yep

Alejandro: why?

Noah: none of your business. but… it is pretty justified

[carinyms]

I've scrolled through a lot of discourse on episode 4 of Loki and I need to talk about it

(good lord its a whole essay im sorry)

I gave myself a headache from crying while watching this. (I joined the Loki fandom post-IW so I’ve never had to see him die before while emotionally invested and boy!!! Is it doing things to my fragile psyche!!). But now I’m rehydrated and more stable and ready to party so let’s go

Right off the bat, I loved this episode — loved it loved it loved it. Silly, manic in-shock Loki is gone and shit is getting real. My thought while watching this was truly “wow this is my favorite episode so far” and damn am I in a minority with this opinion lol.

So here’s my perspective on some of the discourse flying around, and just general thoughts

On the whole ‘Narcissist’ thing:

IMO, Mobius saying this means nothing: he’s mad and he’s spouted lies at Loki to push his buttons before (see: every interaction they’ve had since episode 1).

Loki saying this to Sif-- well, Loki is and always has been an unreliable narrator on himself. The major theme of this show is that he doesn’t really know who he is, deep down, and he’s trying to figure it out. The TVA is taking advantage of this, and even though he’s trying to stay above it all throughout the series, he's still in a really impressionable spot and absorbing what others tell him about himself. (not to mention this scene is literal torture and he’s already proven that he’ll say whatever he needs to to get out of it.)

But he does admit one true thing when he says “It’s because I’m scared of being alone.” (And like wow okay same don’t mind my tears) but here’s a big brain idea!

Sif pulls him up and says ‘You are alone, and you always will be’, which is like, WOW that’s cruel after what he said, but it makes me ask wonder: Sif is sentient in this scene, but obviously it’s not really her. Who’s controlling her? And why is it so important for them to make sure Loki thinks he’s alone? I’d go as far as to wager that Sif never even said this to Loki, the big bad made this up. (he admits he forgot about this ever happening, I doubt he’d remember what she said.)

I think the nexus event on Lamentis that caused the branch was two Loki’s joining sides. Or, Loki no longer being alone. Loki insists while talking to Mobius that “she’s not my partner!” but she was, and they were partners from the moment they grabbed hands on Lamentis — right when the timeline broke off. I think Loki variants teaming up is the biggest threat to whoever is pulling the strings here — that’s why the post-credit scene is so significant. (Is Loki the only person who has multiple variants of himself who've escaped the TVA?)

And here’s where I’m gonna get salty--so I apologize but i need to rant about this-- but it’s seriously pissing me off that so many people are intentionally reading this as Loki/Sylvie and then being mad about it when that’s clearly not what’s happening and why is everyone acting like Mobius with one angry jealous brain cell and no critical thinking about the context of the characters.

If people ship it that’s chill, but for the people who are against it—it’s clearly supposed to be platonic, and it’s so upsetting that in the year of our lord 2021 we still can’t have a man and woman hold hands without people saying it’s proof they want to f*ck each other, like what in the misogyny??? STOP. This show was written by a bi woman and Tom the-most-emotionally-sensitive-man-on-this-planet Hiddleston — let them display an intimate loving friendship goddammit. This isn’t romance, this is Loki learning how to admit he cares for someone who cares for him in return — something he hasn’t experienced a whole lot of and clearly doesn’t know how to navigate.

(You have permission to personally come at me if it actually turns out to be romantic by the end of the show—but as of right now I will die on this hill.)

Him putting his hands on her shoulders to me was a clear indication he wanted to hug her, and I’d like to think he would have told her he cares about her, and that they can figure it out together. Because these are two characters who’ve never had anyone else to rely on and trust, and for the first time they’re not alone.

And I have to think about what prompted this from Loki. He just lost Mobius the moment after he called him friend. The way I see it, he’s just realized the true gravity of what they’re up against, and Loki is suddenly very afraid of losing Sylvie too before he tells her cares about her, of dying truly alone because he never told anyone what they meant to him. (Don’t think about this in the context of him also having watched his entire family die knowing he never told Frigga or Thor how much he loved them either don’t think about it—) He’s realized, finally, that he has doesn’t have to be alone, that he can choose to be close to people and have friends. And god it’s so heartbreaking that he never got to hug her or have that moment with her. I really hope they get that in the end. I hope he gets it with Mobius. I hope they have a group hug. I'm upset again.

Okay, deep breath, ANYWAY.

Hopefully this didn’t come off as attacking anyone else’s opinions.

Personally, I love this character so much, I’m just so happy to be seeing him in his own storyline that they can’t go wrong here. Objectively I think the production is amazing, and personally I love they way Loki’s character has been explored so far. (Yea yea, was I HOPING that the bad-memory loop would morph into Sanctuary and Thanos and like a full exploration of his true worst memories? Yes but let’s be honest my whump needs will never be met in canon and I have to accept that lol.)

Honestly I left all my own meta about this character at the door when the series started, because for me the opinions I’ve formed from the hundreds of (amazing) fics and meta I’ve read on this character and what’s true in canon are basically inseparable at this point, and no portrayal is going to live up to the way Loki exists in my head. Canon Loki and fic Loki are two different characters and I can enjoy both at the same time :) I’ve just loved seeing the character get given the different dimensions he deserves, and written by people who care about his story.

Also, it’s not over! If he was dead and this was it I’d be very upset, but this is the rock bottom of the storyline, and I think the whole next two episodes will be the build back up. I trust it’s gonna be worth it. SO hyped for flaming sword Loki. I would die for Sylvie, but I’m excited to see him on his own again.

My current most pressing questions are:

-what was the fallout of Sylvie’s bombing the timeline? (Have we seen that yet, am I just dumb and missing something?)

-Obviously, who’s behind it all? (Kang? Is there a head honcho Very Evil Loki at the top?)

-How much does Ravonna actually know, and to what extent is she just a pawn too? She asked Sylvie to prune her— she’s probably also been duped here.

-Is everything we learned about the sacred timeline BS? How much of what the TVA workers believe is real?

-my favorite theory so far is that the war of the timelines miss minutes talks about hasn’t actually happened yet, maybe making setting that into motion is the true endgame, leading into Multiverse of Madness?

(Side note: holy HELL im so excited for this soundtrack to drop on Spotify. It’s SO AMAZING I had CHILLS in the end credits.)

Open invitation to discuss anything with me if you feel inclined! :)

[crystal-moon-101]

Ben Gen 10 - Live Reaction Review

Right, so since I’ve finally got my hands on the new crossover episodes, and since my favourite show of all time is Generator Rex, I thought I’d watch it and write down things along the way. Mostly just reactions to things happening as they go, and then probably a simple review at the in another post of what I liked, didn’t like, and maybe what other ways this episode could have gone.

Spoilers! Kind of, for those who haven’t seen it yet! But onto the watching!

Should probably mention I haven’t seen a whole lot of the Reboot Ben 10. Not awful from what I’ve seen, some interesting and well-done aspect even, but certainly not my cup of tea. But I’m here for my boi Rex anyway so…

This is actually quite a cute theme song intro, not gonna lie

Ah, yes, a very American opening in a very American location.

Lol, of course they use Heatblast as the first alien in the episode, got the same voice actor as Rex, nice touch.

Evil...trees? Are these actually villains in the show?

Also, that little girl is precious.

Ben, are you trying to start a forest fire in the middle of the park?!

Ha, Gwen gets it!

Ah, yes, more American stuff.

“Don’t wreck the precious monuments” should have seen what you did to Mount Rushmore in your past, Ben.

Sup, Hex.

Music is evil, got it.

So Ben’s aliens are pretty famous already, at least being treated more like celebrities than monster sightings.

“Burn the flute!” A.K.A nearly burn Hex in the process.

And that’s why Ben never passed music class.

And why exactly do you want the world, Hex?

“Hopefully the last one of the summer” Don’t jinx it Max!

Time goes by so fast, doesn’t it Ben? Especially with aliens, villains and timetravel.

Max is secretly an EVO with that kind of growl.

Yes, because as we all know, villains will stop trying to take over the world once summer is over. They must hibernate for the winter.

Also, Max, did you steal those marshmallows?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….Ben, you good there?....Did Hex do something to your brain?

Who thought this would be great to animate!?

We all have those existential crises and talk to smores.

Jesus, Rex, got ninja skills I see.

Some homeless kid and his monkey stole my food? Time to kick some ass!

My favourite alien, Canonballoon.

I’ve missed my boy and his chimp.

Awwwww they’re sharing! Also just….feel so bad for them already. Homeless and struggling for food, my poor boys.

So EVOs do exist here? Wonder how that will be explained.

Ben out here really trying to beat up some other kid, lol. What a great hero.

Bobo, you are great.

I feel like...Ben’s going through some issues.

Ah yaaaaaaaaaaa, bring on the EVO powers! BFS!

Look ma, no hands!

Rex 1, Ben 0

Ben really wants to commit murder or assault here, wow.

Overboard is the word I’d use, yes.

The life of a background character.

Nanites confirmed! And now they’re in the watch, that ain’t good.

Huh...not what I thought was gonna happen.

The little girl is still precious.

This would be fun to explain to Azmuth.

This ain’t good.

On the run from Providence I see.

Awww, poor Rex. Really doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

I can’t tell if these people are angry because of the DNA affect them, or they’re really just being angry in general.

See ya, Gwen and Max.

Interesting to see that the Providence aircraft looks straight out of the show.

Evening, Six.

Still a badass like normal.

He said Omega, he said the word!

Also, nice blame game there Ben. It’s not like you provoked Rex by, ya know, trying to crush him like a grape.

Um...Six...did you just….try to kill a kid? He didn’t know Ben had powers, that pillar could have easily crushed a normal human.

“This is how you try to convince me you’re not a threat?” Say the dude who just tried to murder a kid!!”

Oh no, he Naruto runs! 

Oh, hello Hex.

Also, what is Providence in this world? What are EVOs and Nanites in this world? None of this has been explained yet.

Ok, so that’s what Providence is...You’d think we would have seen them before based on all the aliens showing up who want to destroy the world.

EVO Generator....I wonder if that means that there aren’t very many EVOs, like maybe there is only a set group from the same lab, and Rex is considered the most dangerous because he can make EVOs.

Ben, do you even know what an EVO is?

Jeez, I know Six is like, the sixth deadliest man on the planet, but he just tackles alien Ben like it’s nothing. This guy should take on Vilgax.

Did he say nib libs?

My boi’s back!

I’m not liking this Six...very much not the character I’ve come to love. Who are you and what have you done with the real Six!

Lol, gotta make sure the kids at home know these aren’t real guns!

Using a net on one kid, and about to beat the crap out of the other, nice.

I do have to ask why Hex was picked to me the main villain, beyond whatever the hell Providence is doing. Why the magic dude and not a tech based villain? Someone who could be both interested in the watch and nanites.

What a covenant spell you have there, Hex.

Again, why do you want to take over the world?

“No, those are my aliens!” I think that’s the least of your concern there, Ben.

Bobo 1, Hex 0

Why is Bobo one of the best-written character’s here? Not that I hate Bobo, but just…

Lol, Rex did you just lay there, the entire time? What was that net made out of?

Ah, right. Let’s attack the children rather the magical manic who clearly stated he wanted to rule the world.

Those nets are fireproof apparently.

Ooof, ah….quite the sore spot there, Ben.

Just let me hug Rex, please…

Are there EVOs are are there not!?

I know this is supposed to connect with older fans, but most of this info would fly over the head of anyone who hasn’t watched Generator Rex. They act like everyone knows what EVOs and nanites are.

Still with the blame game are we, Ben?

Judging by that look, Rex’s parents are also dead in this world. Guess he’s not allowed nice things in this universe either.

That flashback was….so latching in the dramatic department. 

Now ya wanna help, Ben.

He’s so scared of himself, noooo!

Ya, but the different between you and him, Ben, is that he lost his parents, his home, got mutated, his memories became hazy, got locked up and called a monster, and now lives on the streets stealing smores. I think Rex has more of a reason to feel scared at being new with the hero business.

Bobo gets it.

Gotta love they added details on Gwen and Max’s alien forms to make them stick out from the rest. Don’t want to confuse anyone lol.

Thinking of a clever comeback on the spot is hard, not gonna lie.

Yes, Ben, drown him.

Again, with the American music, lol. It ruins the fight scene here.

What is this fight scene?

Original Providence agents would have died on screen rather than ditching the fight.

God, everyone’s made Rex feel like everything is his fault, poor guy.

Rock 1, Ben 0

This message and heartfelt moment falls flat, the build-up wasn’t there and it just...kind of happens. It lacks a lot of flavour and impact, and it doesn’t help with how most of these characters are written.

Old people jokes.

Now we shift the blame to Kevin.

Is Fourarms Gwen bigger? Because if so, nice touch, since we know female Tetramands are stronger/bigger than the men.

Ok, so attempted murder is fine when Six and Ben try to do it, but not Rex, got it.

Get in line Hex, you’re not the first who wants to ‘recruit’ Rex. You’ve got Providence, Van Kleiss, Quarry, Black Knight, that one band, and so on so fourth.

Why is this heartfelt moment suddenly happening now? This feels like it could have been placed back when Rex refused to fix the watch.

Ben…”I’ve already tried that!” Bruh, you tried beating him up, telling Six and Providence you saw him, basically acted like he wasn’t a good hero because he refuses to get over his trauma, and reached out your hand once because it benefited you....I get what they’re trying to do, but it just makes Ben look like a jerk. I get he’s ten, but still…

Just...slap him Bobo, please…

Why are we so nervous about Rex’s sword? Ben you have aliens that can burn, cut, smash and so on, and you barely care what you do. Remember how you nearly started that forest fire at the start?...

Yo, what!? What kind of logic is that, Providence? “Whelp, guess earth is screwed, might as well burn it”

Ya, remember that time when EVOs infected the whole world, and Providence decided to just burn everything down with lasers? 

Extendo blade.

Huh, so Six’s blades can break down Rex’s builds.

Salamander...don’t you mean...Skalamander?

One ship? What is Providence packing!?

Yasss, Punk Busters!

Rex is crying, how dare you!

Now we got Smack Hands, you’re in for it, Hex!

Ooooooooooooooonnnnn iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttttt!

Ah yes, the sixth most beautiful man on the planet.

Again...what is with the nuking?

Magical cloth fixing, just what I need.

Pure chaos with my boy.

Cracking his neck made me cringe.

Also why the sudden change in heart, Six? This feels out of character for the character who is out of character.

Look, Rex, you’re either gonna fix the watch, or you’re gonna start the self destruct countdown. Everything is going to hell, so might as well take that 50/50.

And it worked!

Ah ya, about that missile.

See’s missile inbound “I can handle it!”

Iron Giant vibes around here.

Screw ruling the world, I’m gonna murder this one child!

My cat’s the same.

REX, DID YOU JUST KICK A MISSILE!?

So that’s his full name?

I think you need to work on those vacation days with your boss, Six.

You are not Six, I will never accept you.

So the episode starts with Rex being alone, homeless and being chased by Providence, and ends with him being alone, homeless and being chased by Providence. What was the improvement here? Self Confident?

Ben even just lets him go, doesn’t even offer him to stay with his family.

Rex deserves better.

Another heartfelt moment that just...falls flat…

“Always be family and be there for you, Ben” Until you go to college without telling him before hand

So!...That was the crossover. Not...amazing sadly. I didn’t have high hopes to begin with, and mostly was just happy enough to have Gen Rex be acknowledged. But this Crossover missed a lot of points, and fumbles quite a bit. It reminds me a lot of the Secret Saturdays Crossover and what was wrong there. But I’m tired and will do a break down/proper review another day, if people are keen for that. Thanks for reading this if you did, it was a rollercoster!

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Snape’s Royal Blunder

Harry Potter Marauders Era 

Summary: Snape runs his mouth and says the wrong thing. He quickly lives to regret his decision.

Pairing: Sirius Black x Reader 

Rating: T- fluff at the end

_____

“I think I am really going to like Transfiguration this year.”

Remus said looking cheerfully at the large book in front of him. He ignored the scowls coming from Sirius and James.

“Speak for yourself, nerd.”

Sirius said, smirking at the expression of annoyance coming from his friend.

“If it wasn’t for this nerd, you would have been in a lot of trouble by now. I don’t care how smart you are.”

Sirius put a hand over his head and faked a gag.

“So mean!”

Before Remus could make a comment you came storming into the common room with a red face full of tears.

“Y/n?”

James was the first to get up as you stormed past your friends without a word. Sirius put his book down and went to join James.

“That isn’t something that you see every day.”

James shook his head and patted Sirius on the back.

“Go be a good boyfriend and figure out what the problem is.”

Sirius shook his head and went back to his place on the couch.

“First thing about Y/n, she doesn’t like to be bothered while she's in the middle of a rage. When she wants me to find out, she’ll come to me.”

A few moments later, Lily came out of the girl's dormitory looking disturbed.

“Guys, not trying to start trouble but Snape said something really cruel to Y/n.”

James threw his book down, not caring where it went. The moment that Snape came into the equation as hopes of you just having a bad day went out the window. Peter and Remus also put down their books and looked ready to “take care of business.”

“What did he say?”

James and Sirius snapped at the same time. Lily winced. She didn’t really want to repeat the words that you told her but she knew that she would have to.

“Don’t make me say it.”

Sirius took off his robe and started rolling up his shirt sleeves.

“Lils, you can tell us or I can go down to the Slytherin common room and rub Snape’s face into the carpet until he had a carpet burn for the next month.”

Lily sighed.

“I told her that I wouldn’t say anything.”

Sirius smirked.

“You can say that I forced it out of you. So...what did the wimp say?”

Lily looked down at her feet before meeting her friend’s lion-like gaze.

“He called her your cock sucking whore and that the two of you would never amount to anything since you're a blood traitor.”

Sirius automatically turned and walked out of the common room to be joined seconds later by James, Remus, and Peter. He didn’t care if Snape called him a blood traitor. It wasn’t like his mother didn’t call him that a good 95% of the time but the second he called you a whore...Snape signed his own death warrant.

“I’ll hold him down and you can knock him senseless. Remus can play lookout and Peter can stand there and sing somebody’s gonna get it.”

James said, looking a little too cheerful for his own good. Snape had gone too far this time. When he messed with the group pet, he opened Pandora’s box.

“Snape is in the library.”

Peter said as he closed the map. Sirius smiled.

“Lots of heavy books...even better.”

Sirius slammed through the library doors and looked around manically until he saw the greasy slimeball that he was so eager to locate. Snape sat at a table with Regulus and some unknown Slytherin. Sirius didn’t feel too bad that his brother could be caught in the line of fire.

He knew the risk when he made friends with this creep.

Sirius thought as he walked over to the table. Snape looked up and immediately turned about two shades paler.

“Sirius, before you lose what control you have on that temper of yours…”

“Shut up!”

Sirius snapped. Regulus held a hand up.

“Sirius…”

Regulus immediately shut up when his brother's eyes locked on him.

“You shut up too!”

James had come out of nowhere and grabbed Snape as Sirius picked up a huge book on Herbology. He looked at it a moment with a pleased smile before handing it to Peter. Had the situation not been so serious, Snape would have made a comment about how Peter was about to cream his pants because he got a job to do (even if it was just holding a book).

Sirius turned his attention back to Remus and smiled coldly.

“Keep an eye out.”

(Half an hour later)

You sat in your room trying to study. After a while, you had finally calmed down over Snape’s comment. Why it bothered you so badly, you weren't sure. Maybe it was the fact that you thought Severus was your friend. He had been showing his true colors a lot lately and now he finally showed them to you.

You had gone to the common room to find your friends. They of all people would know how to cheer you up and if that didn’t work then you could drag Sirius to some hidden corner for alone time. Spending time with his lips locked on yours didn’t sound half bad either.

When you walked into the common room, they had all vanished. You frowned upon seeing all of their stuff still spread out just no Sirus, James, Remus, or Peter.

“Oh well. I’ll just go back to bed.”

You muttered, defeated and went back to the comfort of your bed.

A few moments later, Dorcas came sliding into the room clearly excited.

“Y/n! Sirius beat the shit out of Snape.”

You sat blinking a few times.

“What?”

Dorcas nodded.

“I saw it! It was epic! I have never seen Snape hit the ground so hard.”

Before you could respond, there was a knock at the door and Sirius slowly stepped in. Dorcas immediately grinned.

“There you are! That was epic what you did!”

Sirius was busy looking at your still red face. He didn’t feel the least bit sorry for what he had just done either. Seeing you like this made the boyfriend in him seethe all over again. Sirius had partially ignored Dorcas for a moment.

“Yeah, skills. Can you give us some time alone?”

Dorcas nodded and walked out of the room with a happy smile on her face.

Once she was gone, you met Sirius'’ unhappy face.

“So you beat the crap out of him?”

Sirius nodded. He knew that you probably were not going to be happy with him. You were always begging him not to fight Snape. It wasn’t worth the time and effort...or the detention.

“I went down to scare him originally…”

Sirius said, softly as he walked over to join you on the bed. He flipped his long hair over his shoulder in order to watch your face.

“What did he say?”

You asked. Sirius shrugged.

“His exact words were..Ouch! Ouch! Sirius that’s my head ouch!”

You groaned the moment you looked down at Sirius’ bloody and bruised knuckles. Sirius winched when you gently stroked your hand over his.

“We need to put some ice on this.”

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“No need to fuss over me, love.”

You blinked.

“You just rearranged Severus Snape’s face because of what he called me.”

Sirius leaned back, looking extremely proud of himself.

“The creep deserved it. Play stupid games...win stupid prizes. It was even more amusing watching my brother about shit his pants because he thought that I was going to go after him next. I think ole Severus isn’t going to open his trap to you for a long time. That whole episode was called me being a good boyfriend. James, Remus, and Peter were working on being good friends.”

Sirius was pleased when you finally smiled. That alone told him that any wrongdoing (even though he knew that he was right) was forgiven.

You slowly crawled onto his lap and nuzzled your nose against his.

“Don’t think that I’m not flattered by what you did.”

You pressed soft kisses to Sirius’ cheeks before moving back to his mouth. He smiled against your mouth before wiggling those perfect eyebrows at you.

“I don’t think that you would be wanting to snog me if you were angry. I could be wrong though. You are the first girl that I have been with that likes angry kissing...not that I am complaining of course.”

“Just shut up and kiss me.”

_______

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[yanderepuck]

Okay so like I was thinking and how do you think the boys would react to the mysteries surrounding Vincent? Would he explain them?? Why did he really cut his ear off and how tf did he die?

OKAY.  SO I NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS.  I MADE A POST ABOUT IT 

SO BEFORE I GET INTO THIS

TW!!!!!! DEPRESSION AND SUICIDE!!!!!!

I’M GOING TO REPEAT QUITE A FEW THINGS FROM THE POST I LINKED BUT I’M ALSO GONNA GO MORE INTO DETAIL

First off, I want to say becoming a vampire probably stopped the attacks he had, no one really know what he had, but they called them attacks.  Yeah he’s a happy pure ray of sunshine, but he’s actually bipolar(manic-depressive) and still has schizophrenia.  However it isn’t as bad as it use to be.  However the only ones who are aware of this are Theo, Comte, and Sebas obviously.  Leonardo might know something is up with Vinc, but doesn’t know details, but he won’t pray unless if something happens. I imagine Will knows something is up with Vinc as well since they spend a lot of time alone together.

He pushed himself really hard and is really hard on himself, which is a reason why Theo is always working so hard to get his work displayed and noticed.  In his first life Vincent never got to see his work on display as far as i am aware of, so Theo tries to do that now because he knows how hard Vincent is on himself and wants him to know that people love his art and tries telling him how beautiful it is, not only because he is his brother, but because he has talent.

Theo is always very worried about his big brother.  He tires himself out everyday until he can barely stay awake.  This is because Vincent figured out that if he keeps himself busy, he won’t fall into a manic depression.  Just having a little bit of a break could lead to his mind wandering and going down some deep hole and triggering a depressive episode.  And just because he’s a vampire, doesn’t mean he can’t hurt himself.

Theo, Comte, Sebas, and maybe Leonardo are the only ones who actually know how he died (Dazai might know from his first life, that depends on wither or not he knows of him).  They are also aware of him being in a hospital multiple times for suicide attempts.  It’s not like they would ever talk about it, but it is in the back of their head in case if he ever does get into a manic depressive state, or if he even starts to have hallucinations again.

Now how does this tie in with Ikevamp lore???  Well Vinc was meant to be this perfect child, and was told that the first baby died, gave him the same name and had huge expectations, plus he’s the eldest, so there’s already high expectations there, now you add on to how horrid his parents were.  Yeah he came off as this smart intelligent kid, who just always seemed to be happy, but deep down he was depressed as all hell.  He would questions wither or not he’s good enough, what does he keep doing wrong, why don’t his parents love him.  All of that.  And yes he suppressed all of those negative emotions so that he believes that he doesn’t feel them, but that’s because when he comes out of a depressive episode, he doesn’t even remember it happening.  He can’t remember the last week or month, or even months where he was depressed and did nothing but lay in his room.

When this does happen, Vincent won’t even talk to Theo.  He covers his giant window so that his room is dark and will basically only lay on his couch.  Theo will try to get Vincent out of it but Vincent will put no effort into trying to dig himself out of that hole.  But no matter how long it lasts Theo will check up on him everyday to make sure he hasn’t done anything to hurt himself.  Theo and Sebastian might even go to the point of taking his paints out of his room while he’s asleep so that he doesn’t try eating it again to poison himself.  It is hard to even get him to eat, maybe once a day.

Vincent will be curled up on his couch, and Theo will come in and sit on the floor in front of him and try to talk to him, maybe lean his head on his back and he just prays that Vincent will say something back to him.  Sometimes it takes Theo everything he has not to loose it, something he just wants to yell and ask why he’s doing this, why won’t he talk to him, and things like that, but he knows it won’t help.  It’ll only make Vincent push Theo away more during this time.

He would still draw during this time.  He’d grab a sketch book and maybe charcoal or just a pencil and make these horrific drawings, it’s like those nightmare drawings people will make when their emotions are super strong, idk how else to describe it.  He might even draw things the hallucinations would say to him, or show him.  When he’s in this depressive episode, the hallucinations will start again.  Even when he isn’t in a depressive state he will get night terrors that will wake him up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night

He could go years without one of these episodes, so when it does happen it hits hard.  The other residents will point out that they haven’t see Vincent for a few days, maybe even a week by this point, but Theo will laugh it off and tell them that with the painting he is working on, he’s so invested into it that he can’t step away.  When he finally snaps out of it, he’s in the manic phase and full of energy, these few days after the depression is what causes him for forget everything that just happened.  It can take a month of a manic episode before things go back to normal.  Even if the residents ask Comte about it, Comte says that he doesn’t know anything about it, even though him and Theo are trying to figure out a way to get him out of it.

I stated earlier that Will probably knows that something is up with Vinc.  So when Will doesn’t hear or see him for a month or more he starts to get worried.  He loves inviting Vincent over and seeing his paintings and inviting him to his plays.  One time the depressive episode lasted nearly a whole year, and that’s when others started to question what was going on.  Will had sent letters to the mansion and never got a reply, Vincent never stopped by, and that isn’t like him, not at all.  So Will decides to stop by, at this point Vinc hasn’t been seen for nearly three months.  Of course Theo doesn’t want to tell Will what is going on and tell him that Vinc is fine and tries to close the door on him, but nope.  Will puts his foot in the door and tells Theo that he isn’t leaving until he sees Vincent.

It is also around this time that everyone else is wondering why they haven’t seen him.  They will see Brush roaming the halls, but they can’t recall the last time they saw Vincent taking his paints and canvas outside to paint.  Arthur would be the first to question, and he’d go directly to Theo.  Of course Theo won’t actually tell him what is going on.  It isn’t until Will shows up demanding to see Vincent that he knows for sure that it is something serious.

I imagine Will going to Vinc’s room, with Theo following him, trying to stop him.  But when Will goes to open Vinc’s door, it’s locked.  Which then Theo starts to internally freak out.  He didn’t check on Vincent this morning because he had something things he had to handle and then the time flew by.  Will is knocking on the door calling Vincent’s name but there’s no reply.  Soon Theo is externally freaking out.  He never locks his door, so he can only think of something horrible happening.

*DEEP BREATH*

Vinc tried killing himself but I won’t make you read that unless if you really want me to, cause I lowkey really want to write it

[werezmastarbucks]

coming back was a mistake!

the reader bonds with kai over their shared dislike of mystic falls

previous part

word count: 3912

music: tomorrow never came by lana del rey

warnings: delena wedding

Kai leaned over Caroline, almost touching her ear with his nose. Nobody had any idea how a mortal witch boy was still capable on sneaking on vampires, but there they were. Caroline nearly hopped out of her pants when he started talking,

“So, what’s the deal with the pretty one?”

“God dammit! What is wrong with you?!”

Kai put on his patient face and waited until Caroline snapped out of her manic episode. He could never understand why it’s so hard to get over their indignation every time he was around, and just answer his questions.

“Is she, like, insane?”

The blonde vampire narrowed her eyes almost vengefully.

“Who?!”

“The pretty one, Y/N”.

“What do you want with her?” Caroline snapped.

“Are you okay? Have you hit your head today?”

“I don’t have time for this”, Forbes brushed him away with her hand. She was dreaming about leaving this house as soon as possible. “Stay away from her”.

If she was a bit nicer, Kai would tell her it was too late, and that he was almost as good as the second base.

He wandered around the mansion until he found Elena. And approached her with the same question. This one had a slightly longer fuse. Where Caroline raged and started spitting atrocities, Elena would usually get worried out of her little mind about everyone.

“What’s the deal with Y/N?”

There we go. The nervous glint in her dark eyes. Oooh, how does Kai know about her? Oh my god, what has he done this time? Etc.

“Why?”

“Saw her talk to herself”.

Elena sniffed angrily.

“Where?”

Kai was honestly getting tired of them all.

“It doesn’t matter. I’m just curious“.

“That’s none of your business, Kai”.

“She’s also super secretive about why she only comes back once a year. Maybe I’m reading too deep into it, but I find it cryptic”, he smirked. Elena sighed.

“You just sound like you’re very bored. Find another source of entertainment”.

“I don’t want to. I like this one”.

Elena looked carefully at the witch. She already knew that look, although it hasn’t been too long for her studying Malachai. But this look said everything. He made his mind up. She shifted uncomfortably.

“Leave her alone. Please?”

Kai looked down on the brunette, frowning with a grin.

“I’m not gonna hurt her. You think I’m some kind of creep?”

He couldn’t hold back a chuckle. Elena rolled her eyes.

Damon entered the living room.

“You ready, Bastinda?” he asked, looking extremely bored. Kai nodded, playing along as if he was even mildly entertained by his neverending nickname spitting fountain or irony. Everybody had to pretend they find Damon witty, otherwise he’d get upset. That was one of the things that apalled Kai the most, why everyone was so worried about the fragile nature of this big idiot boy.

Just before they started the spell, he sensed his sister, as Damon’s head snapped towards the door. The vampire ears detected her angry footsteps, too. Too bad the vampires underestimate the famous Parker rage.

You only realized your phone was left at the Grill when the morning came.

Cursing, worried and hungover, you drove there, a bit blinded by the sunlight. August did not have mercy on anyone.

It was bad enough your head was spinning. While Jerry the bartender who was still alive went to the DJ booth to ask around about your loss, you sat at the counter, sucking on water with lemon, and looked around. Everything appeared completely normal. You wondered if people remembered what had happened to them last night. Whether anybody got hurt. You were so dizzy on the new weird feeling of closeness, you were borderline indifferent. You even asked yourself if Kai the witch boy did something to you to knock you a little but out. Being here, you can expect anything.

The kissing part was good though, and overall, he was good. It felt good.

Jerry returned, shrugging.

“He says some guy came and picked it up this morning”.

“Crap”, you groaned. “Which guy? Tall and dark?”

Jerry smirked like an asshole.

“Everybody here is tall and dark, but yeah”.

You couldn’t have come up with a better description of this wretched place.

Where to look for him now? The Salvatores seem to know him. Can as well begin from there. You lowered your head (carefully) and put it on the wheel. Not again. All the roads in Mystic Falls lead to the Salvatore boarding house, don’t they. You can’t go one year without any adventures. Every August, you say to yourself you’d be extra careful, not talk to anyone, not engage in anything, just sit at your house, and maybe you’ll be spared. It never works. Last year there was this werewolf invasion. The year before that, an insane witch coven that was in the middle of waging vampire genocide when you arrived. The year before that, someone slit the last Miss Mystic Falls’ throat in the park right in the middle of a juggler’s performance at the fair. This shit, every year. This town is cursed, there was no doubt about it. Now, you break your own rule, and go on a date with this witch guy, and he’s a fucking awesome storyteller, and witty as hell, and you feel something except regret and exhaustion for the first time in years, something like excitement. Like you’re waking up. And now you’re hungover, and he has your phone, and you have no idea where he is.

You started the engine and drove slowly, without a hurry, thinking, if I run out of gas before I get there, I might as well not reach them at all.

The front lawn of Damon and Stefan’s house was as green as ever, the sun blasting its deadly rays down on one slender crabtree standing aside like a shy teenager at the high school party. The big dark windows even looked friendly in the light of the day.

Leaving the car, you observed the house. It never changed throughout the years. The sound of closing the car door hurt you a little bit, but you already left your sunglasses inside.

Then you saw Elena in the window on the second floor.

She did not behave like usual. She was a vampire, and vampires don’t get scared anymore. Elena was banging her fists on the window like she was unable to break it, and yelling something you couldn’t hear. Suddenly, a loud thump came from the inside of the house, as if an elephant bumped into a wall at full speed.

The only reason Elena would be beating on the window like that was if she was locked in with magic.

Frowning, you kinda realized Kai must be inside. What has he done this time? You caught yourself thinking about him as if you’ve known him for years now. The little shittery in his eyes said it all pretty well.

Honestly, you just needed your phone.

You entered the house, pushing the unlocked door, and stood in the hallway to listen. You could now hear Elena screaming on the second floor. She was trapped like a cat in a cabinet, and rushing from wall to wall trying to get out.

Someone else was apparently throwing furniture at the walls in silent fury. That must be one of the Salvatores.

You stepped on carefully, and tried to get into the living room, when there was stumbling, and, like in an 80s slasher, Kai Parker limped out into the corridor, holding his side. His white shirt was stained with blood dripping through his fingers. The wound was very deep because the blood wouldn’t stop. However, his face had a completely normal lively color, which confused the hell out of you.

“Hey!” he called, with effort. He even waved at you with his bloodied palm.

“How are you after last night?”

You stepped to him, putting your hands on the wound, and he let go of it, placing his arms onto your shoulders. Your knees caved in a little under his weight.

“What the hell happened? Have you attacked them?”

“Me?” Kai exclaimed, “no, that’s my sister. She came, locked the vampires up there, and stabbed me, and then escaped like the little coward she is. Olivia, that is, not Joe”.

“I thought you only had one sister left”.

“Nah, I hadn’t told you the whole story”.

You both looked inside the living room where the things were just... they were just misplaced chaotically like, as the siblings fought, they were throwing armchairs around. You led Kai towards a couch and sat him there, pressing his hands into the stab wound, and stepped away towards the kitchen to look for something.

“You can heal yourself, right? You have magic now?”

“I can’t heal myself, I can only siphon life force out of someone to cater the cut. If you’re willing to sacrifice your life, I’m all down for it...” he mumbled. Walking around the turned up coffee table, you stopped, and sighed, as the old, old feeling filled you up yet again. Exhaustion, yes, that was it, the eternal Tired of doing the same thing again and again, going through this unnatural circle.

“Hey, I’m bleeding out here, babe, you wanna... uh...” Kai looked down at his wound, curious, because he, too, knew now something’s wrong. It looked like it didn’t hurt him anymore.

While you were standing over his body, laid on the floor, like a bird. His childlike lean, smooth face dead calm with his eyes open, white shirt all soaked in his bright red blood. Migraine was drilling into your temples with force. You looked back at him sitting on the couch.

“Shit”.

Kai looked back at you. He was a clever boy. Way quicker than the rest of them here. They were all wide eyes and miriads of extra questions, pacing around the room when trapped into the corner. Parker seemingly understood everything right away.

“I’m already dead, aren’t I?” he asked.

You remembered what he said last night. And it actually made your heart shrink a tiny bit.

Your hands were now clean, the ghostly blood having vanished, as all life left him. Now he was clean, too, no holes in his shirt, and he sat up straight. You knew he was slowly losing feeling in his hands and skin, too, and you hurried back to touch him before he completely forgets.

You fell down next to him heavily and took his arm, and he looked at his own fingers interlocked with yours.

“I’m dead again?” he repeated, with a little bit more irritation.

“Yeah”.

“And how do you see me? Does everyone in this town has a thing?”

You shrugged.

“I see dead people. It’s in the water, I guess. You know how they tell to never drink from creeks and stuff...”

Kai looked a little flustered. He would probably take it much worse if he was alone now.

“So, you were talking to ghosts last night?”

You pulled on his hand.

“You were stalking me?”

“Yeah, I was. I thought you were a mental patient”.

Kai threw his head back and looked in the tall window. His dark eyes turned grey as the light touched them. He looked beautiful when he was that calm.

“Damn it. What now? I have never died permanently before”.

You said,

“I don’t know. If I don’t let go of you, you will stay here forever”.

He eyed you, pondering.

“Who lives in your house?”

“My dad and grandmother”.

“And who’s on the football field?”

You shuddered on the inside. You wanted to smack him on the nose, but knew better than to assault people who have just passed and were fragile already.

“Kai, why were you even there? Were you, like...”

“It was my field. I came there every evening to watch the huskie...”

“Her name is Mist”.

“Edgy. Okay. I was coming there every evening to watch Mist, and then you just showed up and started running. Not my fault”.

“But I didn’t see you”.

“You’re averting again. Come on, Y/N”, he shook your hand lightly and squeezed it. He wasn’t noticing it, but his fingers were losing sensitivity and he kept squeezing your hand to feel the warmth. Soon, everything would go hard and cold to him. Even the sunlight.

“I’m dead. Tell me. My last wish”.

It was hard like swallowing rocks. Your own mind was so good at avoiding this that you came up with thousands of questions instantly. You wanted to ask why his sister killed him. Why she didn’t touch the vampires. How did she even outpowered him. Kai was drilling you with his grey crystal glance, and you finally managed to look him in the eye.

Out of all people, you were sorry he was the one to die. He didn’t seem like a very good fella, but it’s not always goodness that you like in people. He seemed bigger than Mystic Falls, greater than the local drama. This town wasn’t supposed to devour him like that. You didn’t know what his death meant to their odds at getting Bonnie back. What if he was the only one who could reach her?

“When I was fifteen, Damon’s ex came into town and started waging chaos”.

“I’m not surprised”.

“Uh-huh. She was going around, turning people, and manipulating them and generally just turning our lives into hell”.

“Oh, she sounds fun. Was her name Katherine Pierce by any chance?”

“If you know her, I’m going to send you to hell right now”.

Kai’s brows went up.

“You can do that?”

“I mean, when I let a ghost go, they go wherever they’re supposed to. You’re definitely going to hell”, you shrugged.

“Oh, yeah. Okay”.

Kai looked like he was a little bit hurt.

“She used compulsion on me, just to entertain herself, and during a PE lesson I stabbed a girl I went to school with. On the second lap, as we ran the mile. I got pissed at running, I hated it. I was so tired all the time, and she told me to act out when I get irritated at school. The worst thing, to this day, I don’t know if the stabbing was a part of her compulsion, or mine”.

You thought about her, standing there at this very moment, on the same spot where you left her every year.

Day and night, in her yellow tank top and sports bra, cycling black shorts and uncool old Nike trainers, her long brown hair in a messy ponytail, and one earring in her right ear. You knew every part of her face because she stared at you all the time.

Kai was quiet for some time, as if trying to read into you.

“That’s it?” he said suddenly. You were taken aback.

“You stabbed a chick because a vampire compelled you, and now you return every year and cry there? What are you punishing yourself for?”

You shook your head in disbelief.

“Look...”

“Why don’t you just send her the hell off? You can do it, right? What are you bitching about?”

“Hey!”

You let go of his hand, and he stared at it, looking a bit lost, like all the people who died. Despite of his shattering insensitivity, he still made you feel for him. People were all the same when they died. They all looked like children who are just figuring out they were lost at a huge foreign train station.

“Look, all I’m saying...” he was still looking at his own hand, “don’t stress about what you don’t have to stress about”.

“I killed her, Kai”.

“Yeah, and today my own sister killed me”, he reasoned. He looked so seriously betrayed as if he was not aware of the irony. “People die. Sometimes they die horribly, in their bloom, you know, when they’re about to do something great”.

He crossed his arms on his chest with a grudge.

“I thought you had some kind of tragedy there, or at least were insane”.

“I get why Damon dislikes you”, you muttered. Kai puffed.

“You’re very hard to love”.

“Yeah, I’ve been told”.

You looked at each other. Fresh day somehow brought memories of last night, and you thought about it simultaneously.

“But you liked our date though, right?”

You nodded.

“I would even go on a second one if you... stayed alive”.

“Let me go down there, and I’ll think of something. Or you can join me”, he eyed you up and down, “I hear it’s pretty hot in here”.

You could see he nearly gave you a wink. Even if you kissed him now, he wouldn’t feel it on his face. God dammit.

“You want advice?”

“No”.

“Go away and never come back here”.

You were holding on a thin thread supported by the connection. You were sorry to see him go as you let him slide away. As you opened your eyes, he was gone from the couch, and from the room, and there was only his body left.

The spell wore out eventually, and Elena, together with Damon, ran downstairs, already aware of what happened. They must have heard you talk to the invisible spirit.

“Awesome”, Damon snarled through his teeth, kicking Parker’s body, “amazing. Little shit”.

He was puffing, walking around the room, nearly banging on the walls. Elena was standing in the middle of the room, devastated.

Everybody was hurt in a certain way by the death of the guy hated here the most. Turned out, everyone needed him after all. Whether to get Bonnie out, or to finally merge, or just to know him a little better. Deaths were pointless, you knew that better than all.

You went to the football field, in the afternoon for the first time, to see her.

She was cemented there just like you wanted her, mortified she’d follow you around. Kai was sharp and rude, but on point. You were punishing yourself. It’s not like Maddie made you drive through the country every year just to see her.

She was waiting for you, looking with glass eyes like she was for the last seven years.

The sun was still high up, almost no shadows on the spacious court.

It was like it all made zero sense now. You didn’t know what made Kai Parker the chief advisor on your mental stability, but suddenly you saw everything completely clear. Maybe it was hangover. You had no need to keep all the ghosts around you. You were in charge of them, not the other way around. You bumped into them, you could tell them to go, or just leave them there if you didn’t care. Many years away almost made you think you didn’t care.

“Go”, you said to Maddie. And she was gone. No more laps around the field.

You went home and said the same to your father and your granny. And just like that, the house was empty again.

“I know you decided not to ever come back again”, she chanted, “but... I mean... I will understand if you refuse to come, but everybody would love to see you, and it will definitely mean a lot”.

Unfortunately for your morale, you were already standing over a sports bag.

You sighed into the phone.

“Okay, I’m gonna say it once, because I love you, and will never say it again...”

Elena held her breath.

“I don’t think... I don’t think Mystic Falls is the worst place on Earth...”

“Wow”, Elena hammered, “hold on, can I put you on the speaker? They gotta hear this”.

“No”.

“So, you will come?”

“Only because it’s your wedding. And only for the wedding. Then I’m going back”.

“You’ve heard the town has sold the house, right? You’ll have to stay with us. Y/N, it’s going to be awesome. We’ll have girls’ nights... oh my god, Caroline will tell you everything about...”

You rolled your eyes so deep you took a peep at your own brain. There was nothing in there. Absolutely nothing, apparently.

...here we go, the freaking sign, the Livingstones house, the bridge... all the same. It’s like a cursed room where the winds are on the loop. With its own aesthetic, of course. The blood-red clock tower produces long, hollow sound as its hands move. People going batshit crazy here. Everything is one long deja vu. The only thing that stood out was somebody missing. Somebody who was admittedly too cool for this place, and was scarily good at slow dancing. Somebody who would never be fit to help, and who still did. That person.

Elena and Damon’s wedding was everything one could imagine. Flower arch, check. Bridesmaids matching cream dresses, check. Soft elevator music, check. Caroline hair being out of this world, check. Damon smiling like one million dollars, check. Stefan suffering quietly in the corner, check. Jeremy getting drunk and knocking over a table, check. Dancing to the same ten indie songs, check. Bonnie was back, which was good. They did find a way after all.

You were comfortably unimpressed, because it was home. It was entertaining enough. Catching up, listening to all the crazy shit that happened during these two years you were absent.

Apparently, Klaus has been harassing Caroline with his undying love, and she wasn’t having it, although it was clearly a perfect vampire scenario. Some demonic weird crap brushed over the city when Damon was brifely involved with gathering souls for hell. Could’ve been a job for you, he winked at you like the rascal he was. You should’ve seen the whole madhouse unraveling when we opened the gates, and all these sinners started rushing out in all directions, he complained. It took him weeks to get them all back, and he still wasn’t sure he caught everybody. It’s not like they did a head count, right?

You stopped drinking.

“You mean the souls escaped from hell?” you asked, surprised that they weren’t more concerned about it. And also, what a generic topic to discuss at his wedding. Charming.

“No, the people. Physical entities. They kinda just... pfft. Hopped out. Those who were, you know, quicker”.

The burning question made it hard to swallow champagne. How did they not mention the obvious?

“And... who did you shove back?”

“Hm, just a bunch of losers. I mean, they’re people, or creatures, for that matter. Not all of them are human. I’m sure some weirdos are still out there.. So you be careful. Elena said you wouldn’t stay long, huh? How about the Harvest Festival though?”

“I don’t know. Harvest Festival is lame, Damon”.

“Yeah, it is”, Damon agreed, searching for his beautiful wife with his eyes. One second ago she was somewhere among the people, and now she was gone. “But the after party...”

“Ah, that. Sure”.

“Nobody’s bothering you anymore, are they? You can stay for a little while”.

You swayed your head without expression.

“Where the hell is she?”

Music changed, and nobody really noticed, except for you. You don’t notice if you don’t listen. You never got your old phone back, by the way. You had no idea where the dead boy put it, and whether it was him at all who took it from the Grill.

But now Lana was on speakers, and you suddenly remembered.

“You better go look for her, Damon”, you warned him, looking around.

The vampire felt the change in your mood.

“What is it?”

You gulped down your glass of champagne and smiled wide, for real.

“Second date”.

[scraaaaaam]

This is going to be a mini vent so skip if you need to, I just need to get this all out of my head.

I’m scared. I don’t really ever allow myself to think about this because it’s so much easier to ignore even though it affects every hour of my life

I have bipolar 2. Been diagnosed by three different doctors. Maybe I should be thankful that it’s just bipolar 2 for now. But I’m not. Maybe I should be thankful that I don’t have full blown delusional paranoid manic episodes like my mom ( who has bipolar 1) but I’m not.

I’m fucking scared. I’m scared because during the depression spells I can barely keep myself alive. Barely keep myself from doing something stupid and impulsive. The world feels like it caving in around me and I can’t breath. And I know that unless I take meds that that’s not gonna change.

The hypo manic episodes make me feel like I can finally get a job and work again, like I can go back to college, get my life together and be actually worth something and that I can be normal. They also make me think that jumping on a moving train is a good idea. They logic disappear and I do stuff like sew my hands together or bite/ cut off apart of my tongue because “ it’s not a part of my body get it off”. It makes me want to sleep around with people I don’t know even though I hate the idea of sex. And I know it’ll just get worse if I don’t get on medication.

And every symptom in between, loss of impulse control and loss of emotional control, being angry over nothing, stuff I know is nothing but I scream all the same. Not being able to sleep for hours and when I finally can, not being able to wake up. Extreme hunger that turns into being repulsed by all food. Feeling helpless and useless especially when comparing myself to how much better I was last year and the year before. Latching on to someone and making your whole world revolve around them for god knows why.

This is something I know I have to deal with for the rest of my life. That the people I care about in my life will have to deal with. And I’m terrified. I look at my mom and see how she is now, she wasn’t always like this but I see her getting worse and I know I will to unless I get on medication. But I’m scared. I’ve tried medication twice and both ended up with me having an episode and ODing. I do not feel safe being in charge of my own meds.

I’m also scared to be dependent on them. That if something happened in the world where suddenly I can’t have them then I know the fall will almost kill me. I’ve felt the fall before and I was stronger back then, or maybe back then I didn’t have that far to fall.

But most of all I’m scared that it ultimately means defeat. That I gave up on trying to be normal and ok. And I just want to spend a few more months or even just days not on them. Maybe I can prove that I can be ok without them and maybe it was all a bad dream. But I know it isn’t and I know that by leaving it untreated it’ll make it worse. But I just want to spend another day pretending that I’m ok.

Because I look at my mom, and remember all the things she has said and done during her manic stages. I remember how she targets my dad because he’s the only person here that she can target. I look at her impulsiveness and lack of care for the money that my dad is forced to give her to keep her happy when we don’t have food for ourselves to eat.

And I’m terrified that I’m going to turn into her in the end. And not be even able to see what it doing is wrong because I’m to far gone. That I will never be able to take care of myself or have a family because it’s not fair to them to have them in that environment.

I’m just so tired of it all, and i miss the days where I was able to use this to fuel me to keep working so I could eventually get out and be better, do better. Where I was able to do so much for myself, like get my ged, get and hold down a job ( although come to think of it if it wasn’t for the pandemic I probably would’ve been fired so fast) and even get into and start college

I did everything right and got out of a bad home situation I was doing so well. Just to have all this hit me harder then it ever has before and now can’t even hold down an easy job, and now can’t even think about going back to college without getting sick. I did everything I was supposed to and was doing so good and now I can’t even stand to take a shower without crying.

I’m just so tired and I want it all to stop. And pretend it all isn’t real and just pretend that I’m normal for another day. But it’s getting to the point where it’s impossible but I’m not ready to have fancy drugs messing with my brain just so I can function, because the way things are looking, it’s more of a “when” I lose access to my medication, and not a “if”

And I’m terrified that I won’t survive the fall. But I know if I don’t then I’ll turn into someone like my mom. And I don’t know which is worse

I’m just scared, I’m tired of it all.

Sorry I just need to rant and I don’t have any other outlets.

[carriecutforth]

The Shit

Tumblr is telling me to go ahead, put anything...so here it goes

I haven't been public about this for reasons that will be apparent but gonna start this with all the trigger warnings. I'm writing it here cause I can't talk to the majority of people about it cause most people can't even grasp, and then questions start, putting me in the situation of feeling like my GIANT SWEATER of trauma is being unraveled answering questions that lead to more questions and gah PLEASE DO NOT RETUMBL-- I just need to scream in the void This is the shit: On the day my sister-in-law's mother died she had to call form-1 my baby brother because his psychosis (undiagnosed mental illness which I will get to) was terrorizing their family (three small kids). My mother WHO IS SCHIZOPHRENIC had him released into her and my ANTI-VAXXER ANTI-MASKER narcissist father's care, but NOT before they found out, incidentally due to the FORM 1, he is ALSO really sick with leukemia. I only found out because I decided to dip into the special folder for emails called MOM that I try to avoid reading as long as they can FOR REASONS. But I felt for some reason an urge to, and then I had to try to parse out what had happened from her ramblings that are A LOT. Then I had to confirm with my poor sil who is at her wits end and was in no position to tell me herself. My dad stopped talking to me back in November when I called him for his anti-vax rhetoric as being EUGENICS when he told me it is just the flu and only killing old people and the disabled. I reminded him I've been immuno-compromised my whole life (he KNOWS this) and got chronic fatigue after a flu in late 2016 (he knows this), and did he not care if I DIED? (apparently not) But I was like lol, fine, don't talk to me anymore. Die mad about it for all I care. A lot of people are like: 'oh, that's tough, losing a relationship with your father' and I'm like YOLO (it really isn't if you knew him). SO THEN I have to reach out to my dad: "Why isn't my brother in the hospital being treated by medical professionals for YOU KNOW, HIS LEUKEMIA." My dad responded that the doctors were JUST GOING TO PUMP HIM FULL OF DRUGS! And that HE is treating my brother's leukemia with I dunno baking soda (he told me before it is a cure for cancer). THEN HE GOES RADIO SILENT. I have no idea where my brother is cause they got him an apartment somewhere in Toronto. *though I do have a Machiavellian plan to try to find out. The reason my brother has untreated psychosis is that even though I've begged my parents since he was a TEEN to get him diagnosed, they refused. It's like they have the opposite of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy in that their ABLEISM is soooo bad they refuse to see he has been very sick, and even if he was really sick, 'doctors are stupid' <--quoting my dad. This is the backstory. My dad was always on the road for his job. My mom had my baby brother AGAINST all wishes of her doctor to ever get pregnant again. I'm not talking aborting, she got PREGNANT on purpose again to SERVE GOD'S GREATER PURPOSE even though it might kill her and said future fetus. So he was born with a lot of issues because of the very bad pregnancy's complications on TOP of the very hereditary bipolar/schizophrenia, AND everything else we got going on besides. After he was born, my mom went into a very deep depression for years and then would vacillate between that and mania. Which meant me: THE ELEVEN year old was forced to raise a baby that wasn't hers and had no ultimate authority over. I was called by everyone his *BROTHER'S NAME* SECOND MOM. *More on this later Our relationship is very strained because of this, particularly when at 17 I had enough momming a child while being constantly undermined by my parents absolute shenanigans. So there was resentment when I quit being his 'second mom' and that he equally resented for things like, trying to put him into bed, when my mom would come in and say let him stay up all night or getting him to eat something other than candy for breakfast (you can guess the dynamic with my parents here). Even if my disabled ass could sue my parents for his

care, he doesn't WANT me to be in charge of his care.

And yet still, I tried to advocate for him for years fighting my parents TOOTH and NAIL to get him on disability and out from underneath their thumb so he could have a measure of independence and autonomy. They had every excuse in the book not to get him diagnosed including expense. It was so goddamned awful fighting with them on this cause in their mind: he was going to live with either them or me forever (they decided this for me and my ex-husband and kids with no consultation), so WHY bother set up his future for him??? So when he was 20?, I hatched a Machiavellian PLAN: I got him, against my parent's wishes, into college for the sole reason of getting the resources for him to get diagnosed so that he could get on disability. AND IT WORKED! (kinda) Except my parents twisted him so much into only talking about his autism spectrum symptoms and NONE of the psychosis because their ableism is sooooo entrenched. (but I did manage to get him on ODSP). And subsequent times I forced my dad to take him to a psychiatrist, he's like: 'oh, I forgot to talk about the psychosis we just talked about the aspergers. Besides people with psychosis are untreatable, you can't convince them otherwise' (see again, my mom). Over the years, I have begged my dad to take my brother to get properly diagnosed and treated (I'm not meaning forced, my brother is also agoraphobic, and won't leave his place UNLESS he is driven by my dad and was living in a city far away from me). I said, I was very concerned for his kids but my dad always gaslights me (and tells everyone I'm crazy -- the IRONY). So now my mom is writing me emails about how this is all my sil's fault because 'she is on drugs' (she is not), 'she is sleeping around' (she is not), 'her kids are scared of her not my brother' (it's the exact opposite). WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME because She did the exact same thing to ME with my other brother (a diagnosed PSYCHOPATH) who used to beat me and the rest of us mercilessly when my parents weren't around (and they never believed me, and told everyone not to believe me because I was crazy), who pulled a KNIFE on me and threw a drawer at me when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT, and how absolutely awful I was AS HIS SISTER to kick him out of my house with no place to live or go (cause he was living with me and my ex-husband at the time because THEY KICKED HIM OUT OF THEIR PLACE and didn't want him back.) Are you beginning to get a sense of the dynamic of my family? Soooooooo the last few weeks my brain has just been in total trauma mode going processing, processing, processing, processing as the final total realization of how absolutely awful my family is finally laid bare (I mean I knew but at least I can stop feeling guilty about cutting them out of my life). So back to the 'second mom' shit, as relevant to my trauma brain processing the last few weeks. This whole shit above is just the tip of the iceberg. I was raised as a Joho in which a lot of my trauma comes from a pedophile left loose on three generations of girls in my family over a thirty year period, and if anyone came forward they were threatened with disfellowshipment and there is SO MUCH there it would take me several Tolkien novels to get how absolutely awful, extensive it was, and how the coverup went straight to the top. ANYHOO. So who was calling me my brother's 'second mom???' Well since, I wasn't allowed to have any association with non-witnesses, it was my congregation. No one questioned that I was being parentified and it was a deeply abusive situation. NO WHAT HAPPENED instead was, this sister in the congregation told everyone (when I was fifteen and 80 pounds soaking wet at the height of 5'10 1/2) that my brother WAS REALLY MY CHILD cause it was so obvious the way that I was the one who took care of him. And the elders of our congregation MARKED me as bad association for loose morals for having a supposed child out of wedlock when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. AND NO ONE in my congregation would talk to me, and I had NO IDEA why, cause they never told me that I HAD BEEN

MARKED. But the caveat was I was not allowed to talk to people outside of the faith. And we only found out about this a year an a half later when she said the same shit back in my hometown where he was born to a sister who was at the hospital where my brother was born. AND NO ONE thought, hey: maybe if we think she had a baby when she was eleven we should um CALL CHILD SERVICES or some shit? So i was like 16 1/2, not allowed to have any friends OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS, find out THIS SHIT, and then people wonder why I had my first manic episode at 17??? Yeah, so this is where my brain has been stuck the last month, complicated that I knew I would be at risk for hypomania with things opening back up, and I'm supposed to be shooting a pilot for a potential series I'm the creator/co-shorunner of, so now I've had to go BACK on seroquel and it's the worst while i try to acclimatize myself to the drugs and stave off hypomania at the same time. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

[yikesharringrove]

the fic you wrote for my last prompt was amazing, ty 😭 can you do 50 + 56 this time please? and if you want to work in dyslexic!steve too that would be awesome! 🥰

You are speaking my fuckin’ language, dyslexic Steve is my ABSOLUTE jam. Honestly, whenever I write Steve, he’s dyslexic, although sometimes it’s not mentioned because it’s not important to Harry’s journey @ jk rowling

Thank you for your request! I’m really glad you liked the other one I wrote! You’re anonymous so I don’t know which one that is but I really enjoyed writing them all! Sorry for my manic energy rn.

Something a little different, it’s modern au! This is probably nothing like what you were thinking so I’m sorry, but I kinda love it ngl.

50: Secret Admirer

56: “I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended.”

Prompt list!

Billy spent three and a half hours reading through every single tweet on the account.

There were so fucking many of them. The earliest one was timestamped from four days ago, so obviously, this person had no life outside of tweeting.

Tweeting about Billy.

He had a few personal favorites. He had retweeted them to his account, figuring may as well play it up, make a joke outta everything.

@ImHardForHargrove: sorry WHOMST gave you the RIGHT to have eyes that fuckin blue im YELLING

@ImHardForHargrove: watchin u play basketball is a religious experience y are ur arms so BIG hhnnnng

And Billy’s absolute favorite, which he pinned right at the top of his account

@ImHardForHargrove: ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass

Billy knew he looked good. Knew he turned heads wherever he went. He did that on purpose. But realizing someone at Hawkins High had set up a thirst account for him, well.

“I don’t know if I should be flattered or offended.” Billy had explained the situation to Robin, letting her go through the account on his phone. “Like, It’s kinda nice, whoever this guy is, he’s got a crush. But also like, It’s kinda creepy. Plus he’s objectifying me,” Billy was talking through his sandwich.

Robin made a face of disgust. “Why do you keep saying ‘he’? All of the girls in this fucking school are practically drooling for you.”

“Hard for Hargrove, Robin. I know you’re like, revolted by the peen and whatever but that does not excuse a lack of basic sexual education and anatomy.” She gagged at him. Honest to God, gagged. He thought she was gonna spew all over the table.

“If I ever hear you call it a peen ever again, it’s on sight Hargrove.” Heather plopped herself down next to Robin, kissing her cheek before zeroing in on Billy’s phone, still in Robin’s hand.

“Have you guys worked out who it could be yet?” Her eyes were wide at Billy.

“Billy says he thinks its a guy even though people with penises aren’t necessarily men.” Robin gave him a pointed look.

“Yeah Robin, I know that, but, I don’t know I just think it’s a guy penis-having person.”

Heather narrowed her eyes at him. “Do you actually think that, or are you just hoping in that goblin little brain of yours that this account is Steve Harrington’s.” Billy could feel the heat spread down his neck.

“Billy, I know Steve is like, the only out guy in this whole fucking town, but you can do way better than him.  PLUS, I feel like it makes more sense if the person running this account wasn’t out and had to channel their gay yearning through social media.”

“First of all Robin, you have this vendetta against Steve that I don’t get. He’s a nice guy. He’s kinda dopey, kinda dumb, but he’s like, sweet and shit. Second, I’m not out, so it still could be him because he doesn’t think I would, like, accept his advances or whatever. Hence, gay internet yearning.” The chime of the bell sent them packing their lunches, Billy’s phone vibrated in Robin’s hand. She rolled her eyes when he realized he turned on notifications for the account

“Get a fucking life you loser.” She slapped the phone into his hand. He opened the new tweet with embarrassing zeal.

@ImHardForHargrove: i saw u talking with ur mouth full and it was yucky but i was still  🥺🥺

His head shot up, trying to see who would have been facing him during lunch, but the cafeteria was almost empty.

The rest of the week Billy took deliberate care of every interaction he had with anyone. Observing who was in his surroundings, and making note of everything he did and said. He took extra caution around Steve, wanting to spot any minute detail that could give away who ran the account.

The account started blowing up. People were retweeting like fucking crazy. Everywhere he went, he was being asked if he’s seen it, like he doesn’t regularly retweet the good ones. The search for the owner of the account had spread throughout the whole school. A few girls even tried to claim the account was theirs, but every time that happened the account would tweet out something to discredit whoever made the claim, proving them a liar.

Billy was starting to lose hope it was Harrington. The tweets were coming at all different times, posted whenever the person thought about it, so Billy was losing track of who was near when he said or did something. And the tweets were always about stupid stuff Billy didn’t register doing. On Wednesday night the account said

@ImHardForHargrove: hi when you chew on your pencil and it makes me 🥴 that is all thx for comin to my ted talk

Friday afternoon gave them all:

@ImHardForHargrove: walked past ur classroom and u were asleep ive never wanted to CUDDLE someone so bad in my LIFE

But Saturday, Saturday renewed all hope for Harrington Billy could possibly have. Lauren Kranz was throwing a party. It was the first real rager in a while, so everyone was there, and everyone was sloshed. Everyone but Billy, who’d agreed to be designated driver for Robin and Heather like some kinda idiot.

He was brooding on the back porch when his phone went off. The account was active, and the owner was drunk.

@ImHardForHargrove: I can seeeeee u oyt the windw I wan u 2 FUC ME. RAW DOG.

@ImHardForHargrove: srry ur so beauitiful nd THICCC

@ImHardForHargrove: I wana shoot my shot but idk if u lik bois

@ImHardForHargrove: (ys i am boi)

@ImHardForHargrove: nd i dont wana get my heart broken agin 😥

He was right about it being a guy. He was right about him being too nervous to approach him outright. His brain was screaming stevestevesteve at him. Hawkins was shook when Steve came out as bisexual in his sophomore year. He was the golden boy, a real jock. He was NOT the kind of guy people would assume queer in a small midwestern town.

He was kind of a douchebag, dumping one girl for another, sleeping with her and never calling again. But then he settled down with this guy from the University of Indianapolis for a few months until Steve caught him cheating. Apparently, he had slashed the guy’s tires. Billy was impressed.

The next year came Wheeler, who only stuck around long enough to make sure Steve was nice and whipped before she fucked off on him too. So Steve retreated. Spent more time with middle schoolers than anybody else. Didn’t want to put his heart on the line anymore until he knew it wouldn’t be stomped on.  Billy could respect that.

Billy couldn’t risk being out in a town like Hawkins. Word always had a way of getting right back to his dad, and in a tiny hick town with nothing better to do than gossip, it was usually only a matter of hours before Neil heard something he didn’t like.

@ImHardForHargrove: srry 4 bad typing rn. drunk nd dysl exic ren’t a happy combo

Billy’s heart stopped. The drunken idiot was giving himself away. Maybe if he sat here staring at the account long enough, enough would be revealed he could figure it all out like a shitty drunk episode of Blue’s Clues.

He was so focused on Twitter, refreshing his feed, again and again, he didn’t notice a very drunk, and very unsteady Steve Harrington stumbling out the back door towards him. Until he crashed into his back.

“Sorry, Bill!” Billy had Steve by the shoulders trying to keep him upright. “Heyy I have a question for you.” Steve grabbed one of Billy’s hands and veered over to the table and chairs arranged neatly on the small patio. When they were sitting, Steve kept ahold of Billy’s hand.

“Hi.” Steve was smiling like a little kid. Billy was in fucking love.

“hey, Harrington. What was your question.”

“So-oo. I have this friend. A very good friend. Super close. And he has a big ol’ crush on you but he’s too scared to ask you himself because he keeps getting his heart fuckin’ broken so he wanted me to ask. Are you into guys?” It’s a miracle Billy understood any of that, every word blending into the next.

“That depends.” Billy leaned in, running his tongue along his bottom lip. He saw Steve take in a sharp breath, following the movement with his glazed eyes. He knew Steve was talking about himself, he just wanted to rile him up a little. Make him blush first. “This friend you’re talkin’ about. He’s our age? Like you’re not trying to set me up with one a’ your kids, right?” Steve physically recoiled.

“NO, you fuckin’ pedo. I’m NOT trying to set you up with a fuckin’, fuckin’ middle schooler. My friend is, uh eighteen. He’s a senior.” Unless Tommy fuckin’ H. suddenly had a penchant for dick Billy didn’t know about, Steve was 100% talking about himself.

“Well, if he’s as pretty as you are, I’d love to go out with him sometime.” Billy winked. Steve went red.

“Okay, but like, does that mean you’d go out with me? Like I’m as pretty as me, right? Because I was talking about me. Not ‘a friend’ I was talking about me. Steve.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that out. You know, I was hoping it was you running that Twitter. Any time you’d tweet out something you wanted to do with me, I was always picturin’ doing it with you, Baby.” Billy was practically purring. “Especially all the shit you wanted me to do TO you.” Steve gave something between a whine and a groan and flopped himself onto Billy’s lap, straddling him with very little grace.

“Thank God. ‘Cause you’re so fucking hot I’d let you do anything to me. Anything, Bill.” Billy smiled softly at him.

“Then let me take you home. Let me put you in bed to sleep off all this. And let me take you to breakfast tomorrow. Something nice and greasy for your hangover tummy.” Steve was a puddle in Billy’s lap. “C’mon, Drunky, git your ass up.” Steve just giggled and muttered Drunky Skunky under his breath.

Billy sighed and stood up, hefting Steve up with him.

“Bil-ly,” Steve whined. “You’re so strong, this is so fucking hot. I gotta tweet about this.”

“Tweet it later, Sweet Thing.”

It took Billy for-fucking-ever to find Robin and Heather (they were making out in the basement with the stoners). But Steve chirped and cooed into his ear, so happy Billy could lift him and hold him like it was nothing.

The last tweet from the account was timestamped from Sunday evening.

@ImHardForHargrove: Hi this is Steve. Billy’s my boyfriend now 🥰#ThirstWorks

[thechangeling]

The Fall

This is a one shot I wrote about my OC Gianna Blackthorn-Rosales, one of Kierarktina's kids. Full disclosure, I don't have bipolar, but I do suffer from depression and I did some research to fill in the blanks. Thank you to Halima and Ellie from helping me with the Spanish.

Tw for Depression and suicidal thoughts.

When Gianna woke up, she felt as though she was under water. Her limbs were heavy as if they were weighted down with led. Her alarm was blaring from her phone with zero sympathy. Gianna groaned and fumbled around for her phone to turn it off.

Shit. She felt like absolute garbage. Everything hurt. Everything felt hallow and empty like a great big hole had been carved out of her chest. Mornings were never fun, but today especially sucked. The idea of moving to get up, or even keeping her eyes open felt like absolute torture.

Gigi had recently come down from a manic episode and now she was sinking, unable to stay afloat. Not that she even really wanted to. Not right now at least.

That's when she remembered. Today was test day. Of fucking course. Testing day was when every shadowhunter under 18 had to undergo a series of skill tests, with weapons and also hand to hand combat. They were given scores based on how well they did and then those scores then were sent back to the Clave.

Of course it had to be today of all days. That was the problem with mental illness. It didn't care if you had a schedule to keep or things you needed to do. It just bulldozed it's way through your life, screwing everything up and then leaving you to clean up the mess.

Gianna grabbed her phone and typed out a quick message to her brother Nico.

I'm sick today, tell mama I can't do it.

Her therapist would tell her that avoidance wasn't healthy, but she would argue that sleeping right now was definitely the best thing for her. Unfortunately in fights such as these, the professionals usually won.

Gianna felt guilt and shame start to trickle in, greeting her like old friends. You're pathetic. You're a pitiful excuse for a shadowhunter. That's what everyone else is thinking and they're right. You're worthless. Everyone would be better of if you were gone.

Her phone vibrated next to her with a text from Nico. Gianna picked it up, already knowing what it would say.

Shadowhunters don't get sick. No one will buy it. Come on Gigi you need to try. He wrote.

Gianna fought the urge to scream. Try? Like she wasn't trying? Did they all think she was pulling this crap on purpose for shits and giggles? She was really getting sick of most people.

She was sick of her parents, sick of her siblings, sick of her cousins Ellie and Anthony even though they didn't get to see each other very often.

She was even sick of Anabla. Which made Gianna very scared. She loved her girlfriend but sometimes everything just became too overwhelming. Her father was always busy running his kingdom and whenever she went to Unseelie, many people always made it very clear that she was not welcome. Her father didn't even really understand how mental illness worked, but then again neither did her mama and papa.

Shadowhunters weren't supposed to be sick and neither were faeries.

Suddenly there was a banging on her door. "Gianna!" She heard her mother's voice on the other side of the door "¿Qué esta pasando?"

Gianna shut her eyes. Maybe if she pretended to be asleep her mama would leave her alone. It was unlikely but still. Her mother pounded on the door again. "Alleya!" She shouted angrily.

Well fuck. That was never good. As soon as her mother used Gianna's fae name, it meant that she was in big trouble.

"Ok yeah I'm coming!" She yelled back. Gianna took a deep breath and pulled herself to her feet.

I can do this. She thought to herself. It's gonna be ok. Just get though this then you can go back to bed.

She put on her gear and began to braid her hair into a faerie style. It was a personal tradition of Gianna's, to braid her hair like a faerie and pull it back so that her pointy ears were exposed whenever she had an offical shadowhunter event of some kind.

Outside she could hear the sounds of Shadowhunters arriving at The New York Institute by portal. Gianna and her family had slept over at the institute so they wouldn't have to travel. She could instantly hear the cheerful loud voices of her cousins, as well as her aunts and uncles greeting each other.

One big happy family.

Gianna could feel the aches in her muscles as if she was sore from a good work out. Getting through testing would be absolute hell.

But she would do it. She grabbed her bow from it's hook on her bedroom wall as well as her quiver of arrows, and marched outside to meet her fate.

The wave of liveliness hit Gianna like a truck. There were older shadowhunters gossiping and catching up with one another, while teenagers and kids of all ages darted excitedly around each other gathering their weapons and gear. She noticed her mama and papa talking with her tías, Helen and Aline. Nico was being bombarded by hugs from their tìo Jules and tìa Emma. Even though they were all on her papa's side of the family, her mama had no siblings. In fact she didnt have any family she was in constant contact with since they were all in Mexico. So at her mama's request, Gianna called all of her papa's siblings tía or tío as a way to keep her connected to her culture.

As for her father's side of the family, it was basically just a long string of "these people want me dead", so nobody was getting any names of any kind.

Then there was Kit and Ty, who Gianna called by their first names because they were so close. She had always felt better connected to them for some reason.

Speaking of.

She spotted them over by the corner if the room. Ty had his headphones on and Kit was hugging-

Oh great.

She was here.

Mina freaking Carstairs.

Wonderful.

Which begged the question, what was she doing here exactly? She was 18. She was supposed to be done with these sorts of tests.

Gianna watched as perfect Mina rushed over to great a screaming Ellie, who was her Parabatai, and Anthony and that was when it dawned on her. Right. Of course.

Mina had come to watch them.

The perfect supportive friend and Parabatai. Always smiling. Always ever so sweet and polite.

Yeah Gianna really wasn't a fan.

Nico would tell her that she was being irrational, and she probably was. But Mina Carstairs had always looked down on her with that familiar expression of pity and disgust.

It might have had something to do with the time Gianna had tried to steal Church during one of her manic episodes. Or the time when she woke Mina and Ellie up by blasting heavy metal at three in the morning while making brownies at the LA institute.

In her defense, she couldn't sleep.

Gianna knew lots of people always assumed she was doing these things on purpose. Like she was purposefully trying to sabotage everything in her life. That was probably one of the most irritating things about having a mental illness, being blamed for the things that you had no control over.

Being held to neurotypical standards was also shitty.

"You look like you're about keel over and die on us" said a voice at her shoulder.

Gianna whipped around and breathed a sigh of relief.

Magnus.

Gianna couldn't quite managed a smile, but she instantly flung her arms around him in a hug which he returned.

"Hey there little shadowfae" he cooed. It was the nickname he had for her ever since she was a kid. "Are you taking your meds?" He asked her with his head still resting on her shoulder.

Gianna groaned, lightly pushing him away. "Why can't you just greet me like a normal person? What ever happened to, "How are you?" Or, "What great weather we've been having lately!" She rolled her eyes.

Magnus looked sympathetic as he placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "I'm sorry Gigi. I'm just worried about you." He said softly.

Magnys was essentially the one who had jumpstarted her treatment, the same way he did with Thaís. He contacted Caterina, who contacted a doctor with the sight to get Gianna diagnosed, on medication and into counseling.

Her therapist was actually half Unseelie, half mundane. She was fairly sweet, and she and Gianna got along pretty well. It could have been a lot worse.

Gianna nodded, "Yeah I know. I am." She protested.

That was mostly true, although there was one week when she had gone to Unseelie to visit Anabla and forgotten to bring her meds with her. She was paying for that now.

"Everyone! Could I have your attention please!" They were interrupted by the voice of the consul. Alec Lightwood-Bane was standing in the middle of the room. Several members of the council were standing with him. "We will begin testing in five minutes! If all of the perticipents could please make their way down to the institute's training room. Thank you."

Magnus caught Alec's eye and smiled at him from across the room. He then sighed and squeezed Gianna's shoulder again. "Well. I should go join my husband" he said matter of factly. "Good luck little one."

Gianna managed a small smile. "Thanks Mags."

Gianna stood in place for awhile, willing herself to move. People passed by around her like waves moving around a bolder. No one played her a second glance, not her cousins, and certainly not Mina Carstairs. Her parents were probably busy with Nico.

The living room filtered out and then she was alone. Standing in the middle of the room with a bow in her hand.

See. The voice told her. You're all alone. You're always alone. No one really cares about you.

She tried to protest, tried to fight it but she was just too tired. And there was that old familiar feeling again. A feeling beyond exhaustion, beyond despair, and beyond hopelessness.

Inevitability.

The feeling that at the end of the day this is all that you are, and all you ever will be.

And there's nothing that can change that.