#tw bipolar

[hanasnx]

MINORS DNI 18+

JASON TODD claims he doesn’t want your drama, that he’s got more important things to worry about than keep up with you. He makes sure you know he thinks you’re crazy, and that he’s onto your lying ass making things up and fucking with his head. He tells himself he’s not into insane women, girls that drive him crazy, chicks that key his motorcycle for talking to other people… but guess who turns up at your door late at night trying to fuck that bipolar pussy?

[sleepyparalysisdmon]

SVT with a bipolar partner

Requested? No!

Genre: comfort, some unavoidable angst, suggestive (MDNI)

Sensitive Topics Ahead!

TW/CW: discussions of struggling with and managing bipolar symptoms, up to and including things like self-harm (though this is not explicitly discussed). One suggestive section. 

A/N: This one is also entirely self-indulgent because I’m feeling some type of way right now.

If this topic might be triggering for you, please proceed with caution or skip. If you’re struggling (not just with bipolar, but with anything), I encourage you to reach out for help. Could be a friend, a family member, a coworker or classmate, or a professional. Things like this should not be shameful!! Be kind to yourself, love you. 

Seungcheol

You desperately want to buy an item and Seungcheol knows it. So he casually hands you his credit card (he’ll never be able to stop the sugar daddy allegations, I fear). He’s kind of surprised by how vehemently you deny it. ‘No way, I don’t want to waste your money,’ you’ll say and he’ll roll his eyes. “Baby, I have more than enough, I’ll buy you whatever you want.” The relationship is still somewhat new, so he’s confused when you deny it again, saying you absolutely can’t take his card because you’ll be reckless with it. Does not understand what the problem is with that, honestly, but when you eventually tell him about your diagnosis and particularly how mania works, he’ll pause, if only because of how upset you seem by the topic. It’s fine. If you spending the money is the problem, he’ll spend it for you and he won’t let you feel guilty about it for a single second. 

Jeonghan

Now, I believe Hannie can be a bit of a fashionista. He likes your style. In fact, it was something that attracted him to you in the beginning because it was unique and unapologetic. So when you’re getting ready for a date, he’s confused when you don’t put on the things that you usually do, opting for a baggy sweater and leggings. “Feeling okay?” He’ll ask. “You’re cute as always, but this isn’t your normal look.” You’ll openly tell him that you feel less confident during a depressive episode because the two of you simply do not have secrets, so this is what you want to go with today. You get out of the way, letting him get ready, and you’re kind of surprised when he comes out in equally baggy clothes. He’ll absolutely match your energy, no matter what that means. 

Joshua

He raises an eyebrow when he comes home to find you scrubbing the walls down. “A little spring cleaning?” He’ll ask, but it becomes apparent that it’s not anything ‘little’. The house is absolutely sparkling like you just moved in. This isn’t a problem by any means, but it’s kind of suspicious because you low key hate cleaning and he happily carries the burden of these types of things on a normal day. Still, he knows what’s happening and there’s nothing he can do to stop the manic episode. He’ll just have to let you ride it out. But it won’t stop him from changing clothes and asking what’s next on your list so he can help. 

Jun

Knows he can’t do a whole lot about the typical mood swings that you have periodically, but when you tell him that some of these mood swings are not totally random and can actually be triggered, he becomes the most observant person you’ve ever met. Keeps a little list in his notes app of things that you’ve mentioned before and the things that he’s simply observed that switch your mood. He tries to help you manage your stress at work to prevent a depressive episode and encourages you to limit your caffeine intake to prevent mania. He intentionally stops buying alcohol and keeping it in the house because it’s not a good combination with your medications. He buys you a light for light therapy during the winter when the seasonal depression kicks in. He helps you find a nighttime routine that works for you so sleep disturbances aren’t so prominent. Really is the sweetest and most thoughtful.

Hoshi

Man, thinking about this one makes me emotional. Say the relationship is new, but it’s been so, so good. You match his energy so well and he really feels like you get him, you know? So he’s kind of surprised when his calls and texts go unanswered for a while. After a few days, he finally goes to your apartment, flowers, coffee, and a bag of pastries in hand just in case he did something wrong. Your roommate answers the door and points to your bedroom with an ominous warning. You look like you haven’t moved from the bed in a few days. Your clothes and sheets are wrinkled, laundry is overflowing from the hamper, and dishes are piled up on your bedside table. You come right out and tell him about your diagnosis and that you’ve been in a depressive episode, and that you’d understand if he wants to break up. He simply crawls into bed with you because it’s his turn to get you. 

Wonwoo

Listen, I genuinely believe that you can tell him anything. Quite literally anything, including when you’re having some bad thoughts. He gives you an intentionally blank look when you ask him to remove the razors from the bathroom, but immediately does it. He doesn’t ask questions when he comes back, just hugging you tight and thanking you for telling him. Trust that he’ll watch you like a hawk over the next few days, doing soft, yet somehow non-invasive check-ins. A week later when that particular feeling passes and you ask for the razors again to shave, he does ask a few questions, just to make sure you’re in a good headspace. It makes you feel secure that you have someone right there that will help you if you have to cry for help.

Woozi

He’s pretty independent and so are you, but after you tell him about your diagnosis and the medications you’re on, he becomes a bit clingy. Let me explain. Before, you could go hours, maybe even days without really hearing from him when he got busy. No big deal, you knew that was just part of it. Now, no matter what he’s doing at work or whatever timezone he might be in, he’s calling you before you go to bed to make sure you’ve taken your medication. He’ll, of course, be there to talk if you want, but you usually don’t and that’s thanks to how much the medication is doing for you. He will never, ever let you miss a day. 

DK

You know you’re in a manic episode, which is why you jumped at the chance to go out with Seokmin and a few of his members for dinner. You’re feeling good, talking rapidly and animatedly about something and Seungkwan laughs, saying something along the lines of, “Okay, motor mouth.” It kind of makes you deflate. Not that he meant anything by it, not that he knew about your diagnosis or that you were in a manic episode. Still, Seokmin is next to you, encouraging you to continue talking because he was following, no problem. He’ll always be a motor mouth with you. Even if your mood doesn’t come back as high as it was before, it’s still comforting that he’ll listen to you ramble about whatever comes to mind, even if it’s sometimes a stream of consciousness more than anything specific. 

Mingyu

It’s not like sex is uncommon in your relationship, but after you initiate multiple rounds in one night, Mingyu will sort of laugh and ask what’s gotten into you. When you stop and kind of tear up, he realizes he might have said something wrong and he’s holding onto you immediately. You tell him you’re kind of upset because you didn’t realize that you were manic until he said that. Increased libido is a common symptom for you and now you’re feeling bad for maybe pressuring him into it. He’ll squish your face and insist that you absolutely did not and he has no complaints. You can always come to him for this, or for anything for that matter. 

Minghao

Now, I think he might be a bit of a believer in home remedies for a lot of things, but not for this. Does not let you miss a counseling or psychiatrist appointment. Does not let you forget your medication. Knows by heart everything you’re taking, including the dosage. He even gets a little organizer and sorts it out for you every week. Insists that you stick to a routine and practice self-care when you’re in a manic episode and makes sure you eat, sleep, and find things to enjoy during a depressive episode. Really, genuinely might understand your disorder and what you need for it better than you do. 

Seungkwan

He knows you’ve been down and that’s just the nature of the disorder sometimes. He does little things to help you manage it - chores are taken care of, dinner is already started, medication is already picked up from the pharmacy, etc. But when you admit late at night that you don’t know why he’s with you and you feel worthless, he doesn’t have a little reaction. It makes you cry despite how numb you were feeling earlier when he squishes your face with a bit more aggression than he probably intended and in great detail tells you how much he loves you and what he loves about you and why no one else will ever compare. It’s what you needed to hear, and he makes a mental note to be more vocal about these things, particularly when you’re down. 

Vernon

You two are relaxing at home when you ask him if he can hear that sound. He’ll say no, feeling kind of clueless. You’ll frown and ask, “Are you sure? It’s so loud.” Your insistence makes him pause. “Tell me about it,” he’ll say. You’ll describe it in great detail, convincing him that you do in fact believe you’re hearing something. Will not let you feel bad about the fact that he doesn’t hear it and that it must be an auditory hallucination. He’s offering you his noise cancelling headphones to blast some music and drown out the sound until it goes away. 

Chan

You’re usually pretty easy going and agreeable. But Chan knows something is up because you’ve been picking fights left and right all day. First it was that he left a mug on the side of the sink instead of in the sink or inside the dishwasher. Okay, easy to fix next time, he thinks. Then it’s that he’s going out for lunch with a couple of his members, even though he told you yesterday, which leaves him confused. Then it’s that he didn’t appear to be listening to you when you talked at dinner. He was absolutely listening, but the way you huff angrily at him makes him approach, holding your face and asking what’s going on with you today. He won’t let you escalate this into a fight, and eventually you deflate, tearing up. You admit you’ve just been feeling restless, both physically and emotionally, and that you don’t think this new medication is doing much. He cuddles with you the rest of the night, shushing you when you say you don’t deserve it after picking fights all day, and encourages you to make an appointment to talk about your medication.

[rainagainstthewindowatnight]

oscar recognized films

silver linings playbook ( 2012 ) dir. david o’russell

[peachesofteal]

peach I was diagnosed as bipolar this week. im scared and have no one to talk to. Its going to be the rest of my life and that scares me

tw mental health, medication, etc

Okay, let's chat.

These are my opinions:

First, you are not bipolar. You have bipolar. Having bipolar is not being bipolar. People who have cancer are not cancer. For me this distinction is important.

It is really scary at first. Your feelings are valid. A lot of people worry they'll never live fulfilled or happy lives once receiving a diagnosis. This is blatantly untrue. Yes, it's the rest of your life. No, you're not doomed or broken or sick.

Here is what I (personally) recommend:

See a therapist outside of a psychiatrist. Full stop.

Medication. Don't try to raw dog it. For most, it will end badly. For me, it ended badly on multiple occasions. Some people refuse meds because they believe they can manage on their own, and good for them, but there is no gold star for being unmedicated. My personal opinion is: it's dangerous. Additionally, it could take a long time to find the right med or combination of meds. It will be frustrating. Don't give up. Also, if you start taking meds and all of the sudden "realize you don't actually have bi polar" or "think you never had it in the first place" ... it means you took the drugs and the drugs are working. It doesn't mean stop taking your meds.

A support system. If you don't have a solid support system in your life, look up support groups for mental heath or bi polar specifically. Cultivate support in online spaces. Listen and learn from other's experiences. If there's absolutely nowhere else to turn, join the bi polar groups on reddit and take comfort in the fact that A. you're definitely not alone and B. there is always someone else who's done way more fucked up shit than you have. Trust me.

Self awareness. Recognizing depressive episodes, hyper mania, manic episodes will go a long way. This is really difficult. Hyper mania is almost impossible to determine from the inside looking out. Depressive and manic episodes are a little easier because they are/can be so extreme. Psychosis is impossible to recognize in yourself until you're on the other side. This is why a support system is really important. Get an app and track your moods, your feelings, your habits. Look for the patterns. Are you sleeping too much? Too little? Are you spending a lot of money? When was the last time you saw your friends, are you engaging in risky sexual behaviors, do you think you're god, are you sleeping for fourteen hours, are you talking so fast no one can understand you, do you think you're hearing things, are you doing a lot of drugs, are you driving across the country for no reason, are you making serious life changes that you've never considered before, are you flying off the handle with rage, etc etc etc.

Look back and see if you can recognize behaviors or symptoms you've exhibited and use that knowledge to help you recognize them in the future. Medication is not foolproof. Do not use this advice to look back and pick yourself apart.

No psychedelics. Not even micro dosing shrooms.

Be gentle with yourself and get enough sleep. Be honest in therapy. Get some sunlight. Exercise to the best of your ability. Do not skip your meds. Give yourself grace. Embrace who you are.

[turtletaubwrites]

Physical and mental health update below the cut. This one sucks. 😩 

It’s very heavy, so please only read it if you have the space for it. I’m so grateful to have such a wonderful group of people actually caring and interacting with me here, and I would hate to negatively affect any of you. I will not be offended if you skip it. Please do 🙏

(content/trigger warnings for: vent post, bipolar disorder, medications, side effects, depression, fear, mention of struggle with past ideations of not wanting to be here)

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THOSE WARNINGS MAY BE TRIGGERING, OR IF THEY ARE TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HOLD RIGHT NOW!!!

Lately I've been stuck in a depressive episode, mainly triggered by the continued work/financial shitstorm that got me put on medical leave back in November. (I haven't posted about the situation because I don't want y'all to send me money. Please donate instead! 🙏🏼)

But now I’ve got a new fucking thing. 

I had a shitty and potentially dangerous reaction to one of the medications I’ve been taking for 3 years. 

This is one of the medications that saved me from my lifelong extreme depressive episodes, and the occasional manic episodes that often ruined my life.

The physical issues it’s caused are awful, and are negatively impacting my daily life, so I should want to stop taking it.

But I’m scared.

I’ve tried so many similar medications, and had terrible side effects for each of them. 

Thankfully, I’ll still have Lithium, which is the only medication that ever got rid of my near daily suicidal ideations that plagued me since I was 13. 

But Lamictal combined with it finally helped me live a real life. Finally let me feel balanced, stable, able to enjoy things, able to fucking function. 

I’m really scared. I’m sorry for trauma dumping here so much, but I don’t have anyone who understands the depth of that darkness, the pain that just fucking existing used to cause me.

I don’t want to go back there. 

Thank you for reading my pain, I hope it doesn’t bring you down too. I’m going to try to remember that I’m not alone.

I'm going to try to hang onto this fulfilling hobby, and this supportive community for as long as I can. I know many of you have said that I can reach out, and I know you're right that there'd be people to talk to.

In fact, I got a message from one of you after my last bipolar update post weeks, maybe a couple months ago? I've been wanting to reply, and it means so much to me. Please know that I read every message, every comment, and it helps me, even if I don't have the spoons to respond.

I'll keep trying to try.

I don't want to go back down into that deep, dark hole.

~ Lynna 💜

[honeybee2807]

When I first read Cursed Child at 12, at the time, I was aspiring to be a psychologist and was researching a lot on depression and anxiety(especially for kids and teens since I wanted to help them the most). When I read Albus' character, I kept seeing many signs of him being depressed. The way he seemed to neglect himself(there was a line that described his face as sallow[which is a word used to show unhealthiness and self neglect]), his bouts of anger and lashing out, and his general upset and low self esteem. And since bullying and family issues were top reasons for a child to be suicidal, I was convinced.

Now I'm realising that he's more likely of a candidate for a personality disorder(cough... bipolar ...cough). I admit, I'm not as well-versed in personality disorders(so feel free to point out if I'm wrong).

I remember the first time I read CC, I was a bit confused at Albus' sudden mood changes which I deemed to be unrealistic. A classic example was during his third year. He fought with his dad and got angry to the point that he burnt his hogsmede permission form and had a rant, but the moment he saw Scorpius, he instantly went all cheery and exclamation marks??? Normally it takes a while for someone to calm down from a fight and it would be fine if Albus was relieved or just slightly happy. But he went full on exclamation marks and he def wasn't angry at Scorpius.

But that didn't convince me that something could be wrong. The fact that did was the whole time travel plot. Albus read to me as downright cheerful and his insane plot to travel time couldn't even be discouraged by his bestie who claimed multiple times that this was a bad idea and Albus lost his mind. It was like a switch had flipped and he was opposite. Albus was still Albus sure but he acted different than what was told to us. Of course that could be also because he wasn't in Hogwarts which was a major cause of his distress.

But here me out. Once Rose and Hugo got deleted out of existence, it would be a sensible thing to realise that time travel is not a good idea. Scorpius certainly realised it(tho he was skeptical from the start). But Albus didn't and decided that it was a good idea to try again. Either he was a complete idiot or delusional. Then he gave a monologue how losers have powers and abilities(err wot???) and managed to convince Scorpius to try again.

Albus finally seems to come to his senses afterwards(thank god!).

I was incredibly confused for years. Then I read this fanfic where Albus was portrayed as bipolar and then it clicked. All of Albus' overly cheerful behavior and crazy ideas could be described as manic. And I don't think really need to explain the depression part to y'all.

Again, I could be wrong. I'm extremely sorry if I misunderstood bipolar disorder and mixed it up. But yeah, that was my interpretation.

[danny-pino-group-therapy]

AN: This fic is purely self-indulgent! I needed it at this time Sorry for my grammar and poorly written story. It was off the cuff.

TW’s: If any of the following are likely or even remotely possible to trigger you PLEASE DO NOT READ BELOW! Depression; Mania; Manic Depressive; Bipolar disorder; Self Harm Scars; Self Harm Thoughts; Suicidal Thoughts; Mental Illness.

WC: 1,808

“Have you ever felt so alone even when you’re surrounded by people?” You looked up at Nick, thick tears gathering in your eyes at the admission of how you were handling life and all its highs and lows currently.

Nick felt his heart break as he looked down at you, curled up on your oversized comfy sofa. As he had come into the apartment an hour ago after not hearing from you all day and not seeing you at work, he noticed your place was eerily quiet save for a few sniffles coming from the living room. The place seemed almost untouched, with no dishes in the sink, no drinking glasses anywhere, or the water bottle you carried around faithfully. The only place that seemed lived in at all was the living room, where it appeared you had camped out the last couple of days at least. A blanket tossed haphazardly over the back of the couch, takeout boxes on the coffee table, and a couple of plastic water bottles on the floor. It was very apparent to Nick you weren’t feeling well mentally and in a dark place.

Nick exhaled a shaky breath before taking a tentative seat on the sofa beside you. He knew you well enough to know that when in a state like this you wanted your space but you needed him close by too.

“Yeah…yeah Hermosa I have.” He sighed. “I don’t know how you’re currently feeling or what you’re dealing with baby but I’ve felt that way. Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours.” The handsome hazelnut-eyed detective let his hand reach out towards you, holding it over your thigh. “When did you first start feeling this way? Hmm?” He spoke softly, his voice full of concern.

“I don’t know. Everything just snowballed.” You sniffled and looked up to the ceiling as tears welled even further in your eyes while you tried not to cry openly, always wanting to remain strong on the outside for everyone else. Nick though…Nick saw right through it all. He always had and always would and as he did he pulled you to him, into his chest as he wrapped his arms around you; his large hand on your head soothing down your hair before pressing a kiss to the crown of your head.

Nick had been in your life for nearly five years now, at first only a partner at work but now your boyfriend for nearly a year after you both confessed your feelings after an argument after a frustrating week and a huge disagreement. You had yelled at him your feelings and he stared at you dumbfounded, never believing anything so good could happen to him, so good as to have you have the same feelings he felt for you, that is. That was Nick though, Nick Amaro who never thought he deserved the best in life which you always felt he did, knew he did. Then again you felt the same way toward yourself. Never believing you deserved anything good or anyone good in your life and that anything or anyone good had to have an alterer motive. Perhaps that’s why you were kindred spirits, you both knew how the other felt in some similar sort of way all the while knowing it was completely different sets of situations that led you to the place you were in life now.

Nick looked over to the table behind the couch seeing your medicine containers filled still from the last week. You hadn’t taken them then, a reckless decision in a moment of mania or brain fog, maybe both, he couldn’t be sure until asking further. While at work the detective was one of the best at interrogations he was careful when it came to you, he knew you hated feeling like you were being interrogated like one of his perps. It always ended up in you pulling even further away and shutting everyone, including him, out. “You didn't take your meds this week?” He questioned softly as he caressed your hair and back.

“I don’t know. I can’t remember when.” You muttered.

“Baby…you had an alarm set. What happened? I wanted to be here but I was undercover. I’m so sorry mi amor. I can’t always be here to remind you, you know that right? I worry. You have to take your meds so you feel better; so you feel okay.” Nick urged, feeling himself worry even more now at your words.

“Nick…Nick I don’t need you to babysit me. I know what I did was reckless. I know I skipped. One day I got up late, and I missed my alarm, and cut it off. The next day I said I didn’t have time, so I skipped it. The next, the same. The following I forgot, the same with the next and the next, and then I got to the point where I felt amazing I didn’t need it I thought. I was stupid and things spiraled. It felt great for a while! Boy did it feel fucking great. Now…now I just feel empty, and alone. Alone when I’m at work. Alone here. Alone with you. It doesn’t matter, I’m alone.” You started to feel yourself get carried away trying to explain what your mind felt like right now.

The detective listened, his heart clutching at your words and the pain and conflicting thoughts you had to be having right now.

“It’s not normal and it’s not okay. I just. I want to feel okay. I don’t want to have to live life on meds and still battle my thoughts, my mind saying awful things. I’m filled with rage and with hate and I’m not…I’m not hateful, I’m not vengeful, I’m not like this Nick. You know I’m not! I’m empathetic, I’m kind, I feel other people’s emotions and pain so deep inside myself that I carry it wherever I go and I try to make it better. I’m not this person my mind makes me believe I am.” You pushed off of Nick’s chest, or tried I should say but he held you tight to him knowing in a moment you’d break, the flood of tears would form and you’d not be able to stop it. Knowing you you probably hadn’t cried in a long time and needed it. Needed to feel healthy and not with the methods you used to use. Nick’s mind flashed with the memories of new scratches and new cuts and new bruises before you and he had gotten together and you had started an intensive therapy course and continued with therapy and treatment since. You had relapses of course but it hadn’t been as frequent and he had made it his life mission that no one, not even yourself, would harm you again. The squad and so many others, including yourself told him that it wasn’t his fault if you had faltered or slipped again, that it wasn’t his duty to make sure you were okay 24/7 but he still took it seriously and it made you feel even more guilty you had hurt him so bad by hurting yourself.

“Baby… Hermosa, you…you haven’t hurt yourself again have you?” He was afraid to ask…afraid of what the answer might be. He had been gone away without contact all week and had no idea if you were okay or not even if you assured him you were a big girl. Even the squad had said they’d check on you, which they did until you stopped letting anyone in yesterday morning.

“No…no, I haven’t. I’ve had thoughts but I haven’t.” You choked up and the man looked over your hands that had clutched his shirt desperately then down to your wrists and arms seeing no signs of new red angry skin. “It’s like a fucked up addiction. I did it to feel. I did it to make sure I was alive and all the while forget that I was and attempt not to have to deal with it at all anymore. I hate it. I hate I started it but I did now I have to live with it all because I started and my fucked up bipolar.” You cried.

“How…how can you even stand me?? Why do you want to be with me? Why? I’m so fucked up Nick! I’m screwed up! Why would YOU want ME? Me of all the women you could have, you chose the girl with a brain so messed up as mine.” You broke down as the handsome raven-haired detective held you tighter, tears gathering in his own eyes as you soaked his shirt with your own.

“Because I’ve never seen someone so compassionate. Someone so filled with life when you’re interested in something you can’t stop talking about it. Your eyes light up, your smile is huge and you can go on for ages until you realize I’m staring at you with my stupid big grin. Because of your smile, your spirit lights up even the darkest of moments, of days, the darkest corners of my mind. When I think of having you as my work partner and my girlfriend I ask how fucking lucky am I to have you by my side to confide in, to hold, and to love. How lucky am I that Zara and Gil have another amazing woman in their life who can teach them compassion for others and empathy and set a good example. Baby love you so much. I know we’re both fucked up but you are the light in the center of my heart that keeps it beating. That keeps me going. I don’t care that you have times when your life feels a mess, mine feels like a shit show most of the time too but when I hold you, or you hold me, I feel I’m sane. I’m okay. I’ll be okay because you’re here now. You’re going to be okay? Alright? I’m here. I’m going to love you through this and beyond. We’ll get you back on track and get you feeling better. I love you, please…try never to forget, even if you do, I’m going to remind you every day for the rest of eternity that you’re loved and cherished not just by me but by family and our squad and friends. Always.” Nick held your face in his large calloused hands gently as he spoke before kissing your tear-stained face and lips. “I love you. Please rest here, okay? When you get up I’ll be right here. We’ll start new. It’s going to be okay. I’ve got you.” He cooed and rocked slowly side to side hoping to soothe you as you cried yourself to sleep knowing Nick was right, he would be there for you and help you till you saw the daylight again.

Author’s Note: Please if you feel hopeless, empty, sad, or alone or are having any thoughts of SH, Suicide, or even just a feeling of helplessness and depression, call or text your local hotline (FOUND HERE). I have used the Crisis text line (text HOME to 741741 in the USA) several times and it helps to have someone to listen when you hate or are anxious about talking on the phone! If not these lines, please friends/family for support or someone who will listen to you. I’m here to speak to you and try to understand even in your darkest time you aren’t alone even if you feel you are. You are enough and you are loved. I love you. ❤️

[coffeexxcigarettes]

What Goes Up..

-

Excitement tickles the edges,

As if my life isn't in ruins.

Going from goodnight

To feeding the beast inside me

With your laughter

Laughter

Laughter

Not quite manic yet,

Fighting every urge to find a normal sense

Of happiness.

Don't want to be lost within the mud,

Don't want to set fire to my heart

With bloodied lips and a hollow grin.

Just want to sit beside you.

Show you the few cords I know on guitar,

And make myself cringe

Please.

Let me slow down,

Before I burn out completely.

x

[gab0kcal]

“it doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier. i can't keep lying to myself saying i'm gonna change. i'm poison. i come from poison, i have poison inside me and i destroy everything i touch. that's my legacy. i have nothing to show for the life that i'd lived and i have nobody in my life who's better off having me.”

[hughiecampbelle]

72 Hours (Roman Roy Oneshot)

Character/s: Roman

Word Count: 1,409

Warning/s: hospital, hospital tw, mental health, mental health tw

Tag: @locke-writes

A/N: This is something different lol. December of 2020 I checked myself into a psychiatric hospital :) It was scary and new, but it was definitely necessary. I don't think it should be a taboo subject. It's definitely not something my immediate family will or likes to bring up, but it's also not something to be ashamed of, y'know? Idk. I've been feeling bad again. Not like in 2020, that was- it was very bad, but still not great. It happens. Meds stop working. The heaviness sets in. I use writing to get through it, those bad feelings, so that's what I'm doing. Just know you're not alone when you're feeling bad. My inbox is always open, I am always willing to talk 💜💜💜💜💜💜

They are terrible thoughts. Horrible, repulsive, aching thoughts that feed off everything you are. They see the worst in you. When you’re done, that’s all there is left. The most repulsive parts of you. The bare, naked, scarred bones. You used to fear you were a bad person. A truly sinister, evil person. Now you don’t have to worry. Now you know. You are. Selfish, and evil, and a burden. Unlovable, unkind, undesirable. He doesn’t love you, not really, and he wouldn’t miss you. No one would. You’re sure of it. You’re so sure of it your bones ache. They long for the soil, muddy and rich. Your whole body wishes to be put to rest. To finally find peace. Being alive hurts. It hurts so bad sometimes. It takes everything out of you to roll from one side to the other. Things have taken up space in your bed. Books sleep soundly next to you, begging to be read. Notes, loose paper, begging to be written. You hope, in nestling with them, loving them even in rest, that they will save you from yourself. They will drag you out of this abyss you’ve found yourself falling in for a long time now. If there is a bottom, you haven’t found it yet. Every second of every minute you flinch, expecting your head to crack open, expecting your neck to snap on that solid ground. It never comes though. How much darker can things get? How much longer do you have before the light, the shrinking light, clouds over? You fear, when this is over, that everything will be gone. You will be gone. Forever. Your own mortality hangs in the balance. You claw at the rocky walls, your fingernails bloody, ripping apart. You scream so loud, for hours, but no one is near enough to hear you.

Is it my fault? Those are the first words from his mouth, the first thought behind those puppy dog eyes. You hold his face, his stubble scratchy in your palms. Did I do something wrong? You make sure your words are stern, but not scary, not angry. He bruises too easily, your peach. No. None of this is your fault. I just, I have to go away for a few days and figure things out. That’s all. 72 hours. Then I’ll be home. You muster a smile, the edges of your mouth heavy in their upturned state. He looks so small, so worried, shaking hands at his side. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. Neither do you. It’s always been something in your life. An endgame. An option when you run out of options. You talked it over with your therapist, loved and trusted, and they too believe this could be beneficial. Your bag is packed for three days. Three days apart. Basically a weekend. You can do that, right? You can manage, he can, too. You don’t think you have any other choice. Standing there, your bag at your feet, you feel the heaviness. The weight. You want to finally collapse inward like a star, bright and burning and suicidal. He looks you over, your expression, your body, everything you are. You will understand him to understand, to get it, but you don’t need to. He already does. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to. None of this has been. But if you want the hurt to stop, if you want to stop falling, then you need to leave and get help. 

He picks your shirt from the laundry, holding it against his chest. He wanders around the apartment, massive, lonely without you by his side. It smells like you, the fabric. You hadn’t changed out of it in a week, week and a half. Sweaty, you’d argue, but he likes it. It’s familiar. Roaming like a ghost, restless, trapped. Mostly you sunk into the mattress, the sheets melding into your skin until you were one singular being. The tears, silent, hidden, but not quite. Coming home from work, finding your cheeks freshly wet, your eyes red and glazed over. The thoughts unsaid, but screaming. Screaming and wailing and willing you to step over that edge. Nothing about it is easy. Nothing about it is gentle. Nothing about this you could stand for much longer. Dinner, so sweetly prepared, goes uneaten. Everything sits like rocks in the pit of your stomach. Threatening to come back up again. Mostly, you push the food around your plate, managing a smile, managing interest in the conversation. You spend all day in bed, but you are unable to sleep. The bags under your eyes look like they hurt, aching, pulsing. The hollows of your eyes seem deeper, darker, haunted. Your body is so heavy. You never knew flesh and bone could feel like concrete. Every step, every movement, it is unthinkable. You curl into yourself, hoping tomorrow will be better, hoping this will go away. It won’t. It never does. 

Roman didn’t know things were this bad. Even as he watched you wave from the check-in desk, even as he watched the doors close behind you and an escorting nurse, even as he waited for you to come back, a voice in his head told him things weren’t this bad. They were. You’ve been sick for a long time. He thought if he was home more, if he cooked dinner, real dinner, and cracked jokes and held you so tight at night, then it wouldn’t get this bad. Cyclical. Things got like this. But it always went away. It got bad, yes, but then it got better. Why wasn’t it going away? You didn’t have the words to describe it. He’d find you laying in the tub, the water cold, shivering, crying, unable to get out. It took too much energy, too much determination, none of which you had. Unchanged from the pajamas you wore for days at a time. He blamed himself. He wasn’t doing enough. He wasn’t there for you enough. If, if, if. You told him it was just your brain, your mind, getting a little lost. When it got lost, it was hard to find its way back. It wasn’t him, it wasn’t you, it wasn’t anyone or anything, just your brain. It would be like this for the rest of your life. You couldn’t bargain or bribe your way out of this. It had to be done. He saw the scars along your skin from the times before, when things were bad, very bad. He didn’t want anything like that from happening again. 

He called you as soon as he could. Roman’s voice was shaky, unsure. You were the one easing his fears, his worries. If you didn't, no one would. He didn’t ask how it was going, he wasn't sure if he should. You sensed the curiosity, telling him your new routine. You’ve been sleeping better, easier. The food is terrible. There are doctors and therapists who are going to help you, make your brain better. He breathes a sigh of relief. Not because of what you say, but how you sound. Your tone was so scary. Scared of your thoughts, scared of what you might do. You sounded lighter. You talked as long as you could. When you hung up he went to bed with your shirt, one arm reaching out to your side of the bed. Wanting you. Needing you. Knowing this is what had to happen. Everything his father had taught him, you had he retaught. This wasn’t taboo. It wasn’t evil or wrong or anything to be embarrassed of. It’s just something that is. He counts down the hours. 48. 47. 46. . .

Soon you will be home. You will have medications, different pills, pills that will work. You will be in your own bed again right next to him. You will get better. You will feel happiness again. You will laugh and smile and it will be so genuine it hurts. And when this comes back, when everything gets dark again, because it always does, he will be there like he is now, like he has been. He will be there. Because when he made a promise to you, he made it to all of you. The good parts, but the bad parts too. The scary, mean, lying parts. The parts that tell you you aren’t worth it, that you won’t be missed. He’ll spend every day proving them wrong.

[askjimdefroque]

JIM DEFROQUE HEADCANONS

As requested below the cut

TW ⚠️: Bipolar mention (🪿 is not a doctor!), drug abuse mention, broken family dynamic, tell me if I’m missing anything

• Smells of suspiciously heavy cologne. So not bad but you can just tell he’s been in the locker room if you catch my drift

• This man loves the color orange, actually. It’s just a good color and whenever anyone asks why orange, he just smiles because he doesn’t know why orange.

• Diagnosed with bipolar 1. He has severe manic episodes that have lasted for up to a month, followed by either relative calmness or deep depression that also have lasted over a month. Bipolar is different for everyone!

• Along with being bipolar, Jim abuses drugs, whether or not he’s having a high or low day. Oftentimes, he’ll use when he’s having a severe depressive episode in hopes to feel that high he gets while manic

• Secretly in and out of rehab. Can’t let the church members know.

• Jim met the satanic cult when he was in his mid 20s, where he met Secondo, actually, because Secondo is a party animal.

• His actual relationship with god is…difficult, at best. Sometimes he genuinely asks for forgiveness, other times he does it for show. It’s hard to tell though.

• Has a wife named Sherry and two kids. He does care about his kids and wife, but addiction strains the family dynamic, which is why Jim often seeks intimacy elsewhere without his wife’s knowledge

• Despite all these shitty circumstances, it is completely Jim’s fault he is the way he is. He actively avoids help and cheats on his wife, and he doesn’t feel remorse until he’s sober.

• Also he’s not a little pathetic man. Yes, he knows this is his fault. Will he stop? No. Not until he either dies or gets a hard reality check.

• will 🪿 continue to love him? Absolutely. I adore him as a character, but as an actual person, he is awful.

• enough sad hc, back to happy

• He loves cats! He has 2. They’re named Lampshade and Mary (Mary is a male)

• Canonically, he listens to ghost. So in headcanons…

• when he’s not at church or a public event, he’ll often dress down, like a t-shirt and sweats. He loves being cozy, especially at home.

That’s all for now! These may change in the future depending on how I feel about them/any actual canonical lore (so around the time the ghost movie comes out will be a good time to keep an eye here)

How do you like these? I tried to not make them super angsty, but more realistic based on what I know/I’ve seen. Whether or not you see these as accurate, I hope you enjoyed reading them!

Thank you guys :)

-🪿

[softlyribbons]

I wanna be Winnie the Pooh on a rainy day, stuffed with a much as honey I can eat. Maybe I just want to run from my own feelings into a place of warmth and comfort.

[ryan-sometimes]

As a bipolar person, I’d really like to know what your thoughts on kanye west are

You really want to know? Ok.

I have bipolar 1 disorder which is the same thing Kanye has. I also know plenty of other bipolar people. And our general consensus, even over moral judgements over the shit he’s done, is genuine wonder at the fact he is still alive. Because most bipolar people who are that ill and that aversed to getting help just…….. don’t tend to live that long, which is really sad. I rawdogged bipolar disorder for only 3 years and that almost ended me several times in many different ways. I cannot imagine doing it for as long as he has and still being alive, and most bipolar people will tell you the same thing. It’s simultaneously incredible and terrifying.

[rainagainstthewindowatnight]

oscar recognized films

silver linings playbook ( 2012 ) dir. david o’russell

[swampstew]

Hey man, I just saw your post from yesterday, I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time rn. Having to rely on the healthcare system for anything at all, let alone something as vital as meds, is so frustrating and feels so helpless. It's understandable that's got you feeling two steps from overwhelmed and overstimulated, and I know that's a shit terrible feeling.

Sending you a ton of support and love from afar. :( <3 This isn't your fault, no matter how bad it feels, and you're not alone in feeling that way, for what little its worth.

Thank you so much, its been a tough few days. On the bright side, I finally got my medication so there's that. And also, I had an exciting, clarifying moment (aka manic high) where I was able to look at my feelings and the issues objectively and then rationally calmed myself down by buying SEVERAL notebooks and just writing random things on how I want to improve Just In Case I go through it again. I think it's the first time a spiral didn't devolve into me doing something very Bad for my Health or Life, and my beautiful wonderful boyfriend helped me through it the whole time. my babies also cuddled me a lot and that made the day easier to get through.

I think stepping back from The World as it were also helped a lot. I didn't realize how much time I really spent on my devices and I was floored when I was able to use that time to do a ton of things like decluttering, building furniture, cleaning the house one room at a time each day. Well, for now at least hehe. I appreciate you :}

[turtletaubwrites]

Me: *just spent an hour writing my list of references for the perfect job while battling my bad handwriting + shaky ass lithium hands*

"Hey nugs, can you look at this before I send it?"

Partner: *takes his time, nodding and looking thoughtful*

"Your handwriting looks like drunk Comic Sans."

Me: *disappears into the fucking ether*