#she sees someone anxious and incredibly upset and she acts like that ? fuck her

[kavehater]

Man I just give up.

[lotties-ashwagandha]

FLUFF ALPHABET: TESS SERVOPOULOS

i wrote this with tv show tess in mind and x fem!reader but imagine whatever u want <3 no pronouns used for reader. im sure someone has done a fluff alphabet for tess before but i wrote this to procrastinate writing a fic :)

A = Activities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

you have the most time and the best experiences with tess when the two of you are at bill and frank's. in the QZ there's not much time or room for any real "dates", but when you're staying with bill and frank you have the freedom to do anything you'd like — ironically, most of the time you spend together is for relaxing and using the space as a getaway from the QZ, but as for activities while you're there i can definitely see tess being coerced into picnics outside and spending time exploring the woods just outside the property.

B = Beauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

physically, she would appreciate whatever type of body her s/o would have, but i think beauty for her in being a relationship with someone would mean more than the physical aspect of it. i can see a relationship with tess in the QZ starting off as something casual and primarily physical/sexual if you're into that, and then gradually becoming more emotionally charged. she falls into feelings and develops them as gradually as she learns to trust you, and that's where the beauty for her in a relationship comes from: in the stability, trust, and loyalty of having someone she knows she can fall back on.

C = Comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

i think the first time you get really upset about something around tess she has no idea how to handle it — she hasn't been in a serious relationship in years, her only friend is joel, and the first time you become that emotionally vulnerable around her she realizes she has an obligation to help you through it and she panics. she comforts you the best she can, and i feel like a situation like that would be what enlightens her to the fact that she does want to be in a relationship with you, she is ready for the emotional weight that will be on both of you (good and bad). she gets steadily better at learning how to comfort you, what to say and how to act and what makes it better or worse, and she becomes incredibly perceptive of the signs you put off when you're under stress.

D = Dreams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

she would prefer not to picture anything, but not because she doesn't care, because she knows that in her profession and in the world you live in either of you could be gone at any moment. thinking of the future makes her anxious, she prefers to live in the present where she can hold you in her arms and know the two of you are safe together.

E = Equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

she would be slightly more dominant, but in a protective sense. it would be you moving into her place when you decide to live together, things like that, where she can claim an element of control over the relationship without it being completely obvious to you. in the bedroom tho???? dom and OBVIOUS about it

F = Fight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

in little arguments she's quick to forgive but she thinks she's always right. she'll drop the issue if you do, but even after you've both apologized and moved on from it she still silently believes that she was right the whole time. it doesn't really matter if you agree or not.

in bigger arguments, like if you break up or if you're exes that are hooking up or getting back together, she will always make sure you're reminded of the ways you fucked up with her and she will lord it over you to no end.

G = Gratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

she's very aware of the things you do for her, especially the things she doesn't ask you to do. she's quite grateful for you in general, and tries to show it the best she can — i feel like her love languages would be gift giving and physical touch, and she would show her gratitude through both.

H = Honesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

she wouldn't share much about her life before the outbreak and she almost never asks about yours. you know she had a family before the outbreak, and you know about what happened to her husband and her son, but you probably found out when you were drunk together and spilled too many details about who you used to be. tess is not one to try to dig into past sorrows and it's an unspoken boundary between you that what's happening in the present is the most important. she will always listen to you if you tell her something about your life before the outbreak, but you have to bring it up voluntarily, and she never quite knows how to respond as a follow up.

I = Inspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

joel says you've made her soft. tess denies it, but all of you know it's true. she's different around you, she has someone to go home to now and a reason to provide. she has someone to comfort and be comforted by.

J = Jealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

she gets jealous as fuck and does not deal with it well! on your end, it's usually a pleasant experience, because jealous tess feels the need to ensure you're aware of who you belong to. you will have to listen to her every complaint about whoever has made her jealous, though, which is not nearly as fun but is gratifying in the sense that she gets so passionate about the fact that you're hers.

K = Kiss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

you remember your first kiss with tess far less vividly than you'd like to -- you were probably drunk in the QZ, and it was probably something more impulsive than calculated. she is a good kisser though, which makes up for the fragments you recall of your first kiss.

L = Love Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

it's something she does in a confusingly casual way. you were probably smuggling something outside of the QZ when she told you she loved you and hoped you would say it back. again, it's something impulsive, something neither of you are prepared for but both of you are pleased with.

M = Marriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

in the outbreak, and with what happened to her family during the start of it, i can see marriage being a quite sensitive subject for her. if she did get married to you it probably wouldn't be legally official since the government just. doesn't really exist anymore. but she would be happy to wear a ring for you and that you would wear a ring for her, if she can somehow reconcile with what happened in her past. if you're in a serious relationship with her, she somewhat considers it marriage already. she doesn't need anyone else's verification (apart from yours of course) to consider you her life partner.

N = Nicknames - What do they call their s/o?

im skipping this sorry i feel cringe writing petnames let ur imagination run wild on this one

O = On Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

it's obvious to those who are close to her, namely you and joel, but not to anyone else. she still scares the fuck out of the rest of the QZ and that isn't changing, but again, joel teases her about you.

P = PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

it depends on the situation and what mood she's in. jealous tess, drunk tess, happy tess, safe tess will be open to PDA. whether it's to show everyone you're with her or she feels safe to be affectionate with you around joel or at bill and frank's, there are situations where she will be physcially attentive to you in a PDA way. but tess is also a very private person, especially when it comes to you and her relationship with you, so for the interest of privacy and for your safety PDA wouldn't be an overly common thing for her in public. of course she is very affectionate when you're alone, you can hardly get a moment without her or without some sort of physical contact with her, but with strangers she wants to keep things private (though not necessarily secret).

Q = Quirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

she's a smuggler, which makes it very convenient if there's something you want that you can't get in the QZ. sending her out to smuggle you something is like sending her to a grocery store. she finds you whatever you want/need and also comes home sometimes with little gifts she found/traded for on her travels. things she saw that made her think of you. like i said, gift giving is one of her love languages, and being able to leave the QZ and find things as a smuggler is very convenient.

R = Romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

she's very romantic, but in her own way. she likes to give you things, and she loves physical touch, but being in the apocalypse she does have to get creative with dates and things like that. there aren't a lot of options, but she will always find time for you, even if it's just for the sake of being alone together.

S = Support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

absolutely, and she will do what she can to help you in your aspirations. she's very supportive of you in whatever your goals are.

T = Thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

she needs a mix. the world she lives and works in is very unstable, so to a certain degree she needs something to counteract the chaos of her everyday life and she loves being able to find that in you no matter the context. however, she does thrive in chaos, and she would need a hit of it every so often to keep her on her feet.

U = Understanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

she's empathetic, but she's also very logical. she understands your feelings when you open up to her about them and she wants to talk you through them — she wants to figure out exactly what's bothering you and find a resolution to your distress if she can, or at the very least find a way to lessen the impact of it on you.

V = Value - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

her relationship with you is very serious to her, and very valuable. she wants you by her side as often as possible. she would die for you, but will do everything she can to make sure it never comes down to that.

W = Wild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

she asserts herself as the big spoon and loves being the big spoon, but secretly wants to be the little spoon sometimes. if you ask to be the big spoon she will act as if she's just going along with it to make you happy, but she loves it.

X = XOXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

she does! again, sometimes it's limited with PDA, but in private all she wants is for you to be in her arms. you make her feel safe, and she loves that she makes you feel safe as well, and she could spend the whole day just holding you if she could. it's basic, but her favorite thing is when you lay your head on her chest or in the crook of her neck and she can wrap her arms around you.

Y = Yearning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

she kind of spirals. like any sapphic this woman has attachment issues thank you

Z = Zeal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

like i said, she would die for you, and she makes sure you know that she would.

— — — —

credits to whoever made this template, it is not mine!

[thrashkink-coven]

someone asked if I live with my parents, in regards to how I have such a large altar, and how they might feel ab it. I was working on a long post ab it but then it vanished into the stratosphere so idk what that was ab or where it went.

But to answer the question, making an incredibly long story short, I do not live with my parents, I live with my partner and a couple roommates.

Tea time :) ☕️ Hot piping tea time besties!!! 🤩

My mom used to be somewhat accepting of my transition and identity. She helped me in the medical care system and even got me testosterone (although she always seemed a bit iffy). However after she met her current partner that all fell apart. He is extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY Christian and extremely controlling. This man burned my bfs hoodie because it had a sigil on it. He red faced SCREAMED (and I mean SCREAMED) in my face that I was going to hell for being trans, that I was disgusting and that he didn’t want me anywhere near his kids. After which, my ✨mother✨ blamed me for pushing his buttons too much (by being trans) and told me she would no longer support my transition. She told me that she would rather burry me in the ground in the event that I lost my life to suicide than deal with having a trans kid. I will never forget that.

That was during the first lockdown at the height of the pandemic, so I was trapped in that house and it was torture. When I say that man is extremely Christian and conservative, I mean it. He forced me and his kids to watch religious videos every Saturday, which were basically just dudes screaming at you that you’ll go to hell if you sin over stock footage of clouds. He would try to guilt trip me for not wanting to participate. (Not to mention he contributed very heavily to my eating disorder by trying to force us all to be vegan and taking away all of my safe foods, despite cooking steaks for himself every night. If I could use one word to describe that man it would be “Hypocrite”. I was constantly anxious and starving, holy shit I could write an entire book about how terrible living in that house with that man was and how betrayed I felt by my mom for putting me through that)

The last straw for my mom was when I expressed to my gender therapists that I really want and need top surgery. She acted like I was springing it on her out of nowhere despite us having conversations about it since I was 14. She told me that I would not be recovering from that surgery under her roof and that it would upset her partner too much. Soon she started making little comments about how disgusted she was in the changes testosterone was giving me, how my voice was getting deeper and how I was gaining muscle, and I became terrified that she would try to force me to detransition.

For me, the final straw was after me and my mom had an argument about money (she took it from my bank account without asking and got mad when I asked for it back) as punishment she decided that I would start having to pay rent for my room in the house. I told her that I would not be paying to live somewhere where I cannot feel safe being myself or bringing my partner around. She told me to either get over it or pay up.

As soon as I turned 18 I started looking into programs in my school that help young queer people who are facing potential homelessness find housing. My mother never explicitly kicked me out (she’ll still say that to this day) but she made it impossible for me to stay. I do believe that her partner was actively trying to systematically get me and my older brother out of the house so he could further isolate my mom. He was the one that told my mom that I was manipulating her into “letting me be trans” by pretending to be suicidal. Yeah. Seriously. And to be honest, it’s fucked up and sad but I also see my mom as a victim due to some other things I won’t mention here (when I say controlling I mean CONTROLLING) But the abuse she went through does not justify her role as my abuser. As much empathy and understanding I have as to why she acted the way she did, I still don’t accept that behaviour. Constantly hearing about how you’re an abomination and how God will surely destroy you starts to take a toll after a while, especially when you’re not allowed to leave the house.

Through my efforts I landed a job but I still didn’t have enough money for even the smallest bachelor pads.

One night after having an extreme meltdown I just… ran away. I went to my bfs house because I didn’t know where else to go, but I was fully prepared to walk to a homeless shelter. I am so incredibly lucky that he and his mother are amazing and understanding people because they embraced me with open arms. They gave me a place to stay and never pressed me about money. I have never gone back to my mother’s house since. If it wasn’t for them I would not be alive right now. They genuinely saved my life and I am forever grateful to them for that.

After my bf and I finally got our own place after living with his parents for nearly 2 years , my mom decided that time passed is equivalent to an apology, and wanted to rekindle our relationship. However, after she tried to visit my place and was met by my roommates who are also all trans, things didn’t go her way. She kept asking for my dead name and misgendering me. My roommates stood up for me and told her that she should stop misgendering me and have some respect, that they didn’t know anyone by that name, and that it’s not cool for her to still be calling me that.

My mom gave me a very angry phone call, telling me that my friends are disrespectful and that they should know that she’s the only person allowed to disrespect me because she gave birth to me. Unfortunately for her that is not the case.

My response to that was this:

and her response was this:

So it was what it was. She tried to withhold my phone plan from me as punishment because it was the only thing left that I relied on her for anymore. I said fuck it, got a new phone plan and continued on with my life.

I’ve tried to have conversations with her to reach an understanding hundreds of times in the past, countless letters and one sided conversations, she was never interested. It is what it is. We haven’t really spoken since then and I’m content with that. Believe me, I have said all I could possibly say.

In terms of my paganism, my whole family subscribed to a certain genre of black conservative Christianity that sees all indigenous forms of spirituality as evil. I don’t know how much they know about my craft but I know they hate it, and that’s fine. My mom hates my dark art and wanted me to use my ✨talents✨ to make Christian art. The only person in my family who even somewhat understands me is my older brother and we have a good relationship. I am no longer concerned with trying to please people who don’t see me as a person. Those who are real will stick around, and those who won’t, wont.

I know that they probably think I’m lost and broken and using demons to fill the void, and they can think that. One thing I want to make incredibly clear is that I do not harbour resentment towards the Christian God, Christianity or Jesus Christ for the terrible actions of his followers. I came to peace with and forgave him long ago. I love him. My being a Luciferian is not revenge against my mom or God. That God has always been there for me and supported me for who I am through all of this, and he still does.

Since I was a child I’ve always been told that I don’t know who I am, that I can’t think or speak for myself, and since I was a child I have always remained 10 toes down on who I am. They won’t believe that I’m really trans until the day I die, they won’t believe that I lived a beautiful and fulfilling life as a devotee of Lucifer because they cannot fathom that I know and love myself. Oh well, they say success is the best revenge.

I love my family and I always will, but for their comfort and my safety I keep my distance from them. I’m pretty damn sure they wouldn’t want to be anywhere near me anyways with all their paranoia about the devil.

Funnily enough Lucifer has been excellent bigot repellent for me. He’s always protecting me from people who would hate me anyways. If my paganism is such an abomination that it prevents my past abusers from hurting me more, then that’s a bonus in my eyes. Stay the fuck away from me if it bothers you so much, we don’t have enough in common to have a productive conversation anyways. If ever my mother came to me honestly and sought true redemption, I would certainly forgive her, I don’t enjoy being estranged. But that would take effort and care on her part, and that simply does not seem to be her biggest priority right now, it never was and I never was. It izz what it izz 🤷‍♂️

So yeah, tldr, I definitely don’t live with my parents lol.

[kissesforsatoru]

Also, to add to my previous ask. What If socially anxious darling was wearing headphones and ear plugs to block out noise bc she's hypersensitive to noise. And then when she tells baji that she dislikes noise, watch him literally shoo the crowd away [as in giving LITERAL DEATH GLARES that promise you the ruin of everyone you love if you don't FUCK OFF] bc he doesn't want to growl and potentially trigger darling. It works like a charm bc people [bar chifuyu and kazutora if they're with him] get to stepping like mad.

Also, when she tells him that she dislikes getting her ears cleaned bc of the noises, then I feel like he'll do his best to eliminate it so she doesn't have to worry. And then when he finds out that her family/brother has been intentionally triggering her late at night, and that's why she sometimes comes to school tired. Watch her brother be put on the news, and baji basically adopts [read:kidnapping] his darling onsight.

She won't have to deal with that shit again if he has anything to say about it. [It got a little bit specific there bc I've been through the last scenario, and I just wanted baji to comfort me and act like my knight in shining armor.]

in regards to this ask.

i say this a lot but baji is incredibly conscious of his darling. he thinks of the smallest things to accommodate your needs and comfort, even if it means he has to control himself to do it. not growling to keep darling content is literally the perfect example of this. also not starting fights with dumbasses that mess with you to not draw attention is another example. and it’s not difficult for him to do either. baji will naturally fall into the nurturing attentive roll just for his darling. only for his darling. if it were anyone else then baji probably really wouldn’t give a shit to not cause scenes or be quiet.

as for if your family is intentionally doing stuff to trigger your sensory sensitivity, then baji would be pissed, but we knew that already, didn’t we. he knows how upsetting it can be for you because he’s seen first hand how worked up and freaked out you get at school, especially assembly’s. he hates seeing you like that, hates knowing that you get like that just as much. baji would threaten your family, break your brothers bones maybe and ruin something of your parents, a project or something expensive. and then baji will start letting you come home with him during lunch and after school to take naps so you can get the proper rest your family deprives you of.

bajis mama is genuinely shocked for once about something he does when he brings you over. the fighting, the yelling, the getting into trouble she expects of him, but to bring someone over and be quiet for them, be the proper house guest he’s never been before by getting you food and drinks and taking care of anything you may need. she expected him to get antsy and start acting out, but no. no matter how long you stay, baji will remain quiet, and he’ll even let you lay in his lap and he’ll gently run his fingers through your hair and on your back. ryoko never expected anything like that from her son, it was a miracle.

but yeah anyway! baji just,,, takes care of you 🤷‍♂️

[mooifyourecows]

about your cat and dog body language post, i think that dogs are easier to learn the body language of because all of them are very different when they feel certain ways (for example), my rottweiler will growl when he’s excited which is just something they do, but other things like shaking his butt/tail nub show that he’s happy and not gonna eat your face off, sometimes he’s even got a smile on his face and that helps, but my other puppy is always whining for attention and you can more tell in her eyes and the position of her ears if she’s upset or just wants to be smothered with love.

i think that. cat language is just a lot more universal so it’s easier for people to understand than other people’s dogs but i think it’s about the same for me at least with understanding how my cats feel vs how my dogs feel.

also everytime i say something about puppies i have to give you a cute picture

i think people believe they understand dog language better than they actually do. i'm sure people who have dogs understand their personal dog's language fairly well from experience but lately I've noticed people have been blatantly ignoring the body language of dogs that DON'T belong to them because they have this mentality of "all dogs are good boys!!" which makes them believe that they can pet and get close to them all they want.

but there are actually a lot of canine behaviors that are constantly overlooked, even by long time dog owners. and i often see people acting certain ways with their dogs that are completely disrespectful to their animals and the behavior they're exhibiting in response.

even wagging tails do not always = happy. i've seen dogs wag their tails as they bite the absolute shit out of someone for not respecting their personal space. If you watch police dogs, they wag their tails as they attack. Some dogs wag their tails while scared shitless. I knew someone who had a dog who was incredibly anxious of strangers and would wag the fuck out of his tail while also peeing all over the floor, all while LOOKING happy (according to people's belief of what a happy dog looks like). It's just that people get it into their heads that because dogs are smart, obedient, trainable, and great companions, that means that they are simple. Dogs that bite = bad/untrained dogs. Rather than what they usually are, ie animals with a unique set of behaviors and instincts that need to be understood and respected.

I also disagree that cat body language is universal whereas dog body language isn't. they both have their own unique personality from animal to animal while also following close to their primal instincts and nature. as someone who has had many cats and many dogs, spending long hours observing and learning about each, they are very similar when it comes to exhibiting unique quirks AND universal behavior.

The problem is that there's a belief that cats are all cold and calculating while dogs are all sweet and obedient. Both things that are generally untrue.

Where I think that cats are easier to understand is that they are surprisingly expressive and wear the expression of their feelings clearly. They're not hesitant to let you know when you are doing something that displeases them.

Petting them where they don't want you to? You're going to get a quick glare and a swishing tail, followed by a growl or perturbed meow/hiss, solidified by a swipe or the complete removal from the situation they are not enjoying. They get their point across.

Meanwhile with dogs, they do have that "i must please and obey my owner" instinct that makes their displeasure with your actions more reserved and subtle and easily mistaken as a totally different feeling.

Petting a dog where they don't want you to? You're going to get a calm but bulging eyed look that shows the whites of their eyes more clearly than normal. Then maybe some nervous lip licking. Perhaps they'll paw at you, which many people interpret as "aw, they are petting me back!" or "they want me to continue!" when in reality, they're trying to correct your behavior. Then yeah, maybe they'll walk away, or maybe they will growl or bark, but at that point, you don't know HOW frustrated or irritated your dog is. They might literally be on the brink of biting, which confuses people because "that's so weird because they were enjoying my petting up until that last moment!" Wrong! they were clearly trying to express their feelings but people don't respect dogs' subtle body language like they should.

I think that because dogs show their happiness a little more clearly than cats (tail wagging, running around in excitement, bright and happy facial expressions, prancing about, excited whining), they think that that means that they are easy to understand in ALL ways. Wrong again. People just like to ignore the negative sides because they're dogs, and they're all good boys, and they're man's best friend, and they can do no wrong, and there are no bad dogs, only bad owners, and I'M not a bad owner, therefore i can't have a bad dog.

Cat happiness, to me, is just as easy to spot as dog happiness. But it's quieter. It shows itself through vulnerability and closeness. Happy cats will purr, try to sit on you or mirror you. They will lift their tail high and vibrate it at the base. They will sit with their back to you to show you that they trust you enough not to feel like they need to keep their eye on you at all times. They'll flop around on the floor and show you their belly because they trust you to look and not touch that vulnerable area. They'll follow you to the bathroom because they know it's dangerous to do that without a lookout. They'll rub their scent all over you and guide your hand to where they want to be pet.

Every animal is so unique and special and they all have their own love language, even if certain things seem pretty universal. One of my cats will literally bite me when we are being affectionate, and I know that for HIM, that's a love behavior. But if one of my other cats bit me, I would know that they are doing it out of fear or anger (which has never happened but, hey, that's how i'd interpret it if they did because i know them). A different cat of mine will crawl onto my chest, hook his claws in my shoulders, and DRAG his body up into my throat and shove his nose and mouth really hard against it because that's something he likes and it's how he shows he's happy and loves me. If one of my other cats did that, I'd be worried because that's not their usual behavior. Another one will grab my hand, with claws, and bring it to his face for pets. One loves to be under blankets and i make her a tent on the couch every night to sleep under. She also expresses herself vocally, unlike all (except one) of the others. She meows LOUD at me and loves when I talk back to her. She will literally join me if I sing or whistle because she fuckin loves to hear it and wants to contribute. My cat that passed away this year would jump up into my arms so i'd catch him and carry him like a baby, where he'd wiggle around and bite and claw at my shoulder while purring super loud.

The only times I've ever struggled to understand my cats' behavior is when they're sick or injured, but that confusion has helped me get them the care they needed quickly. Whereas my dog (whom I've had since he was a puppy and have spent nearly every day with since then) often stumps me with a change of behavior that is not caused by injury or sickness. I'm constantly expanding my understanding of dogs through googling his actions and reading all about what they could possibly mean.

While I think all animals can be understood through research, time, and patience, I find cats so simple and easy to understand. Maybe because the way they act and express their emotions is similar to how I feel and like to express myself. (he said, autistically)

I love dogs AND cats. But I think everyone needs to spend some extra time learning about them, because chances are, every single owner (sans the ones that are literal animal behaviorists/trainers/vets) is probably at least a LITTLE bit ignorant of their pet's subtle language.

Thanks so much for the puppy pictures Babe, here's some of Ruto. Can you tell what she's thinking in both?

[mixelation]

wow, it seems my opinion is super unpopular and i have some time to kill, so i will elaborate on it:

my movies-only interpretation of anakin is that he is a self-destructive person who cannot ever be satisfied with what he has, because he fears losing it. this is like... one of the central themes of the movies. in his childhood, he grew up with the constant fear of being sold and his world upturned on a whim, and then his freedom came with the cost of losing his mother, and he immediately also lost the man he'd latched onto as his new trusted adult figure. his main motivations throughout the movies are fear of loss. so even if you cut out palp's influence, i think he'd struggle to fully trust the jedi because he subconsciously fears being kicked out or losing his place, especially since he KNOWS he joined under unique circumstances. to reconcile this, he'd invent conspiracies or grudges that don't exist to justify his fears to himself in a viscious, toxic loop in his brain. if he went with padme over the jedi, he would still do this. he'd lose or have reduced access to his current support network (the jedi as an organization, and then various jedi as individuals), and there'd be nothing to mitigate him from inventing stories about padme betraying him or something like that because he'd fear losing her. again, without palps, it might not culminate in him choking her to death, but without introducing SOMETHING to this AU to help him deal with these tendencies*, i cannot see their relationship not turning incredibly toxic, especially since padme seems either unwilling or unable to engage with this side of his emotional problems (see: the line where he admits to murdering people and she goes "we all get angry")

*the possible "anakin learns to chill" options i can think of would be external to the poll scenarios as given and i don't think would automatically follow, plus they'd largely all be applicable/possible to headcanon into him staying with the jedi. so i am ignoring them. this is NOT me arguing they could never have a healthy relationship, just that i cannot see what we are given in canon turning into one

so, i voted "equally upset at either." however, if i HAD to pick, i think anakin would end up much happier staying with the jedi. why? because padme is just one person, and the jedi are a whole fucking organization. getting a wife is not putting yourself through therapy. it does not magically fix you, and i am baffled by the number of answers like "oh yeah, he'd be happier with her." my personal opinion is that he would shove all his anxieties on her, and that is impossible for one person to handle, especially a person simultaneously trying to engage you in a whole ass romantic relationship. meanwhile, the jedi are an organization and culture and a community, and they are anakin's culture and community even if he liekly often feels like a foreigner to it (see: unique circumstances and fear of being kicked out somehow).

an organization is more resilient to someone shoving its anxieties onto it, because it is built of many people capable of giving different types of support. even if anakin has some interpersonal drama or fallings out, there's tons of people to act as and contribute to a support network, and community are meant to support people on a systemic/structural level. i know a lot of people are like "oooh aaah they hated him!!!" but tbh i think this is based on people projecting their feelings too hard on anakin and making excuses for why he's Like That, and generally not well-rooted in canon. the jedi are not out to get anakin specifically, except for in his head. there's nothing in the movies to indicate their system is abusive to its constituents, just that anakin personally is floundering for a wide variety of reasons, one being "he is keeping a several secrets which prevent him from accessing support and making him more paranoid anxious, leading to him needing that support even more." if you remove one of the biggest secrets (padme), then his ability/willingness to access support increases. ergo, jedi > padme for anakin's long term happiness

all that being said, "would he be happy" and "what he would prefer" are not the same question. anakin loves being miserable, and also he was in love. he'd prefer padme.

For the first, assume they never married in the first place, because Padmé took an unknowing page from Satine’s book, and made Anakin wait until they were both in a more stable mental state/after the war. The part he's bummed about is that the relationship is this defined as impermanent and, as he intends to remain a Jedi, something that will have to end once Padmé starts looking to settle down unless the actual spouse is open to poly (and even then he knows he'd be jealous).

For the second, assume Anakin left on decent terms and still calls his Jedi friends up to get dinner when the Senate is convening, and sends people photos of the twins. The part he's bummed about is not getting to have a laser sword, the loss of Official Privileges, living among a community that understands him/that he grew up with, and possibly not being allowed to engage in the war to his full potential to save lives as he'd like.

This is not an invitation to tell me how immature or selfish you think Anakin was for trying to have both in canon. We know that part. We know he'd bitch and moan and accuse people of conspiring again him. I just want to know your opinions on which he'd have preferred if forced to choose in a calm environment instead of as part of a Sith plot to drive him insane.

This is also not an invitation to tell me about how you think the Jedi are evil or stifling or what have you. Do not project Christian trauma onto the space Buddhists.

[weabooweedwitch]

Different anon here, I really appreciate when you vent here. Yeah you don't have perfect thoughts, you're not a self-sacrificing saint of patience and virtue, but seeing someone let out those thoughts without worrying about always seeming like the objectively correct person in every single situation is very liberating to me personally. I've been in a very similar family situation, and I also know I was not an angel in those circumstances either. Seeing someone else willing to talk about the nitty gritty shit instead of just "oh woah is me for they are toxic and I am but a fragile victim" fuck ESPECIALLY after you got raided for it? You're brave as fuck, brutally honest as fuck, and anyone can respect your feelings, but fuck I respect YOU. I hope you're able to cut ties eventually and live a more fulfilling life, my life didn't feel like it started until I was able to break free. I'll hold out hope for you :) (and also keep an eye out if you ever decide to take comms again because I totally missed that and would've jumped on it.)

I mean don't get me wrong, I do think and kind of analyze how I must be perceived when I say certain things, not in the sense that I adjust what I say but more so internally thinkg "I probably sound like a POS right now" but like, since part of the reason I vent is for, I guess, to help clarify certain things and, get feedback if people feel the urge to, that only comes from being honest, idk? Like I guess, not that I'm really saying this is her fault, but my mom told me "oh they only believe you because they plonly heard YOUR story" so many times I just settled into "ok well if I tell EVERYTHING as I can remember it, then I'll have more information to tell if I was right or wrong".

Like for sure I definitely overshare a lot but I also try and genuinely use it not just as comfort and just, letting loose of those negative feelings, but it's also like I guess, a diagnostic tool to gauge the situation? Idk does that make sense? Like sure I COULD write in a diary that only I can see, but would that help me realize if I'm making a mistake or if I AM the victim? Does that "answer" my racing anxious thoughts? It's like that. It's like a problem I'm trying to find the solution for.

Tbh me continuing to vent after the whole raid thing is kind of in itself a very co-dependant behavior on my part because it's sort of like, I am directly making myself a target for people to potentially really try and wound me, but it's also like, the pain of having to keep everything inside and not knowing "what I'm supposed to think" or if I'm right or wrong or, even just not being heard is really much more painful to me. The doubt and curiosity and guilt for, so many things in my life can literally eat me alive sometimes.

And I even recognize that my mom has done and tried a lot for me, more than a lot of other parents. But that also doesn't erase a lot of the issues we have? Like even if I learn to calm myself down and act more, I guess, appropriately, I would still be constantly hurt by these behaviors of hers? It would still be incredibly stressful to see her scold me for things she does all the time, and I'm still upset about how I can't even go "please don't interrupt me" and her immediate response being "but YOU interrupt ME all the time" like there is definitely a mutual respect and self improving that needs to go on, I by no means consider myself perfect in any way but I will say that I consider myself better than her at reading poeple and trying to behave appropriately and empathetically. one thing that had bonded us when I was younger was, it sounds fucked up in hindsight but when we were having so many problems with my sister we would be discussing like, what do we do, how do we act around her, hey did you notice that thing she did that might be a symptom, and my mom would tell me I was so so good at predicting how my sister would respond, not even inherently in a manipulative way, like I would go "im afraid if we tell her XYZ that that will only make her angry and she won't want to talk to us" and even with these recent stressful events with her, she praised me for being able to try and communicate with my sister as best I could and even after, like, that really stressful awful visit, she turns to me and says "you were right, you were totally right, she did exactly what you thought she would do"

And its like, I just wish, she respected me enough to try and give some credence and, idk, if im smart enough when talking about everything else, why am I never smart enough when I say "hey mom this thing you did, i think was wrong and it hurt me" or even just "hey mom please don't do that thing, I think that's really irresponsible and could backfire on us" and she just gets defensive. Like, to list an example of something that doesnt even have to do sith our relationship, she says I criticize her driving too much (which I totally admit I can do sometimes, I've been having nightmares since childhood involving being in the car and I'm naturally anxious in cars) but like then I can list examples of "hey mom when you turned left at that light you literally swung over so early you were briefly in the oncoming traffic lane and crossed over the double yellow line to get into your lane, you should drive farther forward and THEN turn, i see you do this almost every day" and its just automatically "ugh Miranda it's every day with you, I can't do one single thing right"

It's almost like you know, I'm losing my patience because she won't like review her actions, and then I have to bring things up all the time, and then she just feels attacked because I'm bringing them up all the time and this almost stubbornly refuses to do anything about it almost out of spite it feels like, which then just. Makes me more impatient and call those things out more.

And on another note, like I constantly whiplash between "God she drives me crazy, I hate her, she doesn't deserve my respect, she's stupid, i have to run away and never ever see or talk to her again" to "no I want to hug my mom and tell her about all these interesting things I've read and us watch TV together and smoke together and I'll miss her when I'm gone, I have to have to HAVE TO try and fix this before it's too late because what happened between her and HER mom has done so much damage to her". We might have a bad argument where I say shitty things to her and she says shitty things to me and we could be in the car as she drives me to work and I might try and make some small talk because, idk maybe it's BPD or mood regulation but sometimes I can move on from things quickly, and she'll just give me the silent treatment or reply with something snarky and I'll think "yeah I guess I deserve that"

And other things i worry about are like, when I was living in Florida with roommates there was an incident where she slipped and fell on the ice and she had horrible body aches and was struggling to go to the store and buy food for herself and I was panicking and wanting to try and have food delivered for her? She sometimes struggles to take the trash out because she needs her knees replaced and she's kind of, always had chronic issues she's still trying to find the cause for, and like, before this recent round of our relationship getting worse we had been discussing trying to get a first time homeowners loan together so we could finally settle down somewhere and have permanant housing, something that was OURS, no more apartments, no more awful neighbors

But those things are only possible if we can work together and both of us have issues? Both of us have our own problems that have to be worked on, and, I often wonder if either one of us are just "stuck in our ways" but there are so many times where, like, obviously money is a factor but there are so many times I'm not seriously looking into moving out not just because I'm scared of being on my own but also scared of leaving her by herself and scared that, what if we break that bond and never see each other again and suddenly one of us gets into an accident or she gets sick or, you know?

And on a flipside of that, while I was living away and paying my own bills and having you know my first ever job, she needed to borrow money from me a few times and it kind of devastated me because I thought, "oh I'm finally away and taking time for myself and she's still having trouble handling things, why can't I be allowed to focus on me, have time for me, have money for ME" because like. I do consider myself a caring and empathetic person but a lot of situations were pretty much forced on me where I had to expend myself or at least my mental energy on her specifically till I just felt, empty and unappreciated and used up.

I also recognize my mom wanting to use me as a friend and therapist also stems from issues she has with being able to trust and maintain relationships with other people but that's unfortunately a thing only really she and a counselor or something can focus on. I shouldn't have been tasked with, well, by her own admission there were many times where I was her sole pillar of emotional and psychological support and that was. That was such a heavy weight on a kids shoulders? And it eventually got to the point where I would say "hey mom sometimes i feel like you only talk to me when you need something or have to complain" and she'd brush me off until, I reached an age where I would tell her straight to her face "I don't care" because she wouldn't let me set those boundaries where her venting to me was a consensual thing, it eventually became "obligatory" and it'd literally be her like, talking and talking where you haven't said anything for like 5 or 10 minutes straight and I would see her do this to my grandma to the point my grandma would literally hold the phone away from her ear and occasionally only "check back" to see if she was still going.

Like when I try and step back and look at things analytically, I think a lot of this anger and resentment in me stems specifically from my pre-teen/teen years. I was still a kid and still emotionally vulnerable and, you know, not fully developed and needing my own help, but I was mentally and emotionally "mature" enough that my mom often confided a lot in me, and even later on she admitted she tried to treat me more as a friend than as a mom, but, it got to a point where I was a huge source of support to her in ways that were damaging to me. Like jesus when I first started working and me and my mom would like, talk about my day and my problems with coworkers, I remember, I so vividly remember thinking "gosh it's sure nice to like actually be able to understand this stuff now" because I would be in elementary or middle school and she'd be talking about complex inter-work issues I literally couldn't understand? I couldn't even understand or become invested in what she was trying to say and then "wasn't allowed" to disengage from the subject. I would be in a car with her liyerallt wanting to bail out onto the road because she'd be talking and talking and not even checking if you're listening or following along

I just. I constantly have to ask myself if this is a situation that can br permanantly improved and "be normal" and, that's going to take work from both of us, and unfortunately both of us are pretty good at finding excuses

[batbeato]

beabato headcanons rant no one asked for or will read but the void will receive

Syes so welcome i’m going to rant into the tumblr void at 1 AM instead of the twitter void (which would actually ANSWER BACK) because I feel like it

first off I want to mention their heights this is very important to me because clearly Battler is a tall boi and Beato is smol, like 5 ft, maybe 5 ft. 2-3 inches at most... 

As you can see even in HEELS beato is still so short...

This fact becomes incredibly relevant when I start thinking about beabato physically touching, bc it means that Beato has to lean up to kiss him, or has to pull on his tie to drag him down, or both. it also means that Battler has to lean down to kiss Beato, but also that she can rest her head against him...

Also it’s the perfect height for Battler to easily pat her head, which I HC that Beato pretends she’s annoyed by but actually she really really enjoys it

Speaking of that, I also HC that Beato really really likes it when Battler strokes her hair or brushes it, the way Virgilia does for her in EP5 while she’s in that ‘doll’ state...

Like she’s just a human cat, it relaxes her. She would absolutely fall asleep to the sensation, she just relaxes so much around Battler when he’s touching her because she loves and trusts him so much...

Also Beato is really clingy and acts jealous around Battler at first, as she does in EP8, because she’s really nervous and terrified that somehow he’s going to just. Wake up, change his mind, realize that she’s furniture and ugly and the absolute worst, also she sort of killed him MANY TIMES, how could he ever love her -

But over time she gets better about it and the clinginess just turns into expressing how much she wants him to always be with her, and her just wanting attention from him as a small little reassurance...

Battler is kind of amused by Beato getting jealous at first, then he realizes why and is sort of upset by it, then he remembers that she’s super adorable doing it and just resolves to try to reassure her that he adores her and they’re literally MARRIED. While also appreciating how cute she is.

Also they never take off their rings. Like ever. 

For Battler it’s a reminder that he’s solved Beato’s riddle, and that Beato trusts him to write their tale.

For Beato it’s a reminder that Battler loves her, and she doesn’t have to bear the role of the evil witch Beatrice, or the role of the family alchemist Beatrice, or the role of Lion, ever again. She loves her ring a lot, especially since it was literally made just for her and isn’t passed down from anyone else (unlike. most things in her life.).

They are absolutely dorks that will just hold LEFT HANDS bc their rings are there, even if it’s uncomfortable or awkward, because just looking at their rings together makes them both so happy and soft...

I am bad at transitioning in this 1 am rant thing but moving on.

So obviously they share a bed and a room because. Because. They would. They obviously would. I can’t even say it’s a headcanon they just would.

Battler has some Trauma about locking doors for a while because of the whole logic error thing, mostly it’s just setting the chain that really makes him anxious but sometimes when it’s really bad he just has to set and unset the chain and lock and unlock the door just to be SURE that he’s not stuck.

Also he usually wakes up Beato because. The isolation did not do wonders for him. So if he has someone to talk to - and that person is the person he trapped himself in that hell FOR and loves so much - that makes it a lot easier to calm down.

Beato really likes sleeping in positions where her head is close to his heart because then she can hear his heartbeat... Like how in EP5 she ‘dies’/’sleeps’ resting her head against his chest, the sound reminds her that he’s alive and that he’s there with her.

Also they cuddle. A lot. 

Mostly Battler is the big spoon but sometimes when Beato is really fucked up over... what a possessive asshole rapist monster Kinzo was, she needs to be able to escape and get out whenever but also doesn’t want Battler to leave. Ever. She gets to be the big spoon.

Ange and Beato bond over shared trauma and how stupid Battler is, so whenever beabato get into arguments it’s usually Ange who ends up mediating. She can really easily cut through all the BS.

When they fight they both really really hate themselves afterwards and just like, break down, like “I can’t easily accept that they did X but also I love and I need them so much and I’m so terrible for saying/doing X to them -”

So Ange just is like “shut up, here is what you did wrong, yes you suck, now apologize and KISS”

Usually it works out, they rarely actually, seriously fight too (usually it’s just the usual teasing/playful ‘fighting’).

anyway i have many more HCs but i’m done for now actually, I love beabato they’re perfect

[razorblade180-heated]

Too much

[It’s a smut]

It was a normal day at Beacon. Same old classes. Same old delicious lunches. Same old Blake. Well, not entirely. The girl had a problem, a snag if you will. She was currently on her bed in her school uniform, sulking more than she usually does. She patiently waited for the door to open. As she did, The words of Weiss Schnee replayed through her brain…

xxxxx

“YOU ARE DATING J-” The heiress’s mouth was covered quickly by Blake, who looked panicked.

“Ssssshhhh! What part of secret did you not understand!?” Blake said through her teeth, “we don’t want attention.”

Weiss swatted the hand away and whispered, “Sorry, but you should know better than to reveal truths out of the blue like that by now. This is crazier than the last one to be frank.”

Blake wasn’t too thrilled in Weiss’s choice of words in regards to White Fang secret, but now wasn’t the time to bicker. Blake needed her help. “Weiss, I’d like…advice. Also a bit of help.”

“Okay? On what exactly?” The concern in her voice was palpable.

Blake’s face grew a little red. She couldn’t believe she was doing this. “Any...any ideas to get a guy to sleep with you?”

Now it was Weiss’s turn to blush. “Just who do you-” she lowered her voice in consideration, “just who do you think I am!? Why are you coming to me for this!?”

“Yang gets too involved in people’s business and Ruby is...she’s Ruby! I love the girl but this is not the topic she can handle.”

Weiss looked Blake up and down. Why the girl needed help was beyond Weiss’s comprehension. It was shocking Blake wasn’t beating admires back with a stick! “How long have you been dating Jaune?” She asked.

“About...five months now? That sounds right.”

Weiss could not believe her ears. Five months, how has no one noticed!? How didn’t she notice? Then again, she did find it a bit out of character of Jaune when he stopped all of romantic efforts. Looks like this was the reason why. It might’ve been her ego talking but it stung a little to know a guy moved to the next letter in her team’s name. Would Yang have been next if Blake, hold on. A thought just occurred.

“Did you ask him out, or did he ask you?” Weiss was very curious about this

Blake blinked. That was an unexpected question. “Me, why”

“No reason.” Well that actually made Weiss feel a bit better. Not that she cared or anything! “Why do you need help with...that? I would think he’d be all over you. Can’t you, ya know? Drop hints?” A terrible expression hit Weiss. “Please tell me that dunce is ignoring basic signs?” She groaned. It would only make sense.

Blake must’ve agreed because she laughed a little. “Hehe, No Weiss, he isn’t.” Blake rubbed her head in embarrassment, “He’s well aware I’m down for sex. With all the neck kisses and body touches, the message is clear.” Blake saw Weiss’s face scrunch up. “What?” She said defensively.

“It’s unpleasant thinking about Jaune in anything less than his armor. You know that hoodie apparently has a rabbit on it, right?”

“Grow up, and that hoodie is fine. You walk around pretending to be taller than 4’11”

“I just like these shoes, and I’m five feet even when they’re off!” She proclaimed, “What is the matter then? Does he not find you physically- actually, don’t answer that.” Weiss didn’t need to know any physical reactions from Jaune. “Just tell me what typically happens as safely as possible.”

Blake took a deep sigh before speaking. “It’s usually the same song and dance. We go on dates, have a good time, find a place to get cozy, I start making moves, he starts building a little momentum, but then he stops.” Even with the bow on, Blake’s ears were clearly drooping. “He just apologies and says he can’t!”

Weiss raised a brow, “That’s it?”

“Yeah.” Blake nodded, “that’s the long and short of it.”

The problem sounded simple, and normal. Like… too normal. Weiss knew besides herself, Blake was the smartest on their team. Although not sociable, Blake could read a room better than Yang or Ruby. “Blake…” Weiss said, befuddled, “How is Jaune on these dates? Attitude wise, like is he nervous?”

“No, not really. We just talk and have fun. In the beginning we were both a little awkward but now we talk and act like we’ve known each other for a long time.”

Now Weiss was a little jealous at Jaune this time! Five months was all it took to get Blake chatting like an old friend!? The amount of groundwork Weiss and the terror sisters had to put in for Blake to even go out into town casually with them was at least two months' work! Now she’s over here trying to sleep with the guy, a thing nobody saw coming.

“I gotta say, this whole thing feels a little wild. To think five months of secrecy lead to this conversation? If he’s as calm you say then I can’t think of many reasons to panic. I mean I get someone having a little anxiety when giving up your first time, but I hear that’s mainly on the girl’s part. You’re all calm though.” Weiss said. She wasn’t expecting Blake’s eyes to shift away slightly, as if the girl was hiding something. “You are calm, right?”

“Huh? Yeah I’m totally calm” Blake clucked her tongue, “because...it’s not my first time.” Her body swayed back and forth out, trying to finish her sentence. “I’ve been in a couple relationships before this. Some good, some abysmal.”

Yet another surprise to add to the list. “Wait, you’re not a virgin?” Weiss couldn’t believe this. Who knew Blake surpassed her in many social and mature experiences. The way she usually was, Weiss couldn’t imagine Blake being that way. The girl once spent an entire weekend reading in the dorm room. This new information though made Weiss come to realize that she previously assumed. She just had to ask one more question. “Does Jaune know that?”

“Of course.” Blake said, feeling a little insulted. “I wouldn’t lie to him or not be open enough to talk about my past.

Weiss sighed in disbelief at her faunus friend. Perhaps her assessment of Blake reading a room well was a little off. As much as Jaune had been annoying to Weiss, she felt bad for his clearly anxious soul. “Blake, I expect this kind of cluelessness from our leader.”

Blake looked rough left and to the right as if anyone else was there to explain. “Uhhh what?” She said, actually a little stumped.

Weiss put her hands together like she was dealing with an interviewer with zero experience. “Let’s put it this way. You have asked me why your boyfriend, who is most definitely a virgin, shys away from sleeping with you? A beautiful girl who’s already had experience. Ya don’t think he’s you know, incredibly nervous of not meeting pre-established expectations? You know you’re boyfriend, Jaune Arc, the same Jaune Arc that worries about everything else in his life going well?”

Blake just...sat quietly for a moment. Her brain wasn’t even having a gears turning moment. She was upset with herself that those gears weren’t spinning from the beginning. There was nothing to figure out at all! She had simply glanced over that possibility! Her hands held her head as she let out a long groan. “Uuuuugggg What is wrong with me? Of course he fucking is. I’ve been so caught up thinking I was doing something physically wrong, or I was wrong.”

A part of that sounded like baggage. Baggage Weiss wasn’t about to unpack. “Well, question solved. Unfortunately, he’s right to worry. I can’t imagine anybody giving a good first performance. Has he even seen you fully naked?”

“We’ve sent pictures, and did a bit of touching. That second one though was always in...un-private areas, so clothes stayed on.

“Did you just tell me you two are doing things in public?” Weiss criticized. At this point, the girl known as Blake Belladonna might as well be a stranger. Weiss didn’t know this person! Her Blake was not this forward. When did they have time for any of this!? Was she not actually reading in the dorm room!!? “Also, I may not have ever slept with a woman, but I’m sure seeing their assets over a screen is less stressful than in my face.

Blake uncovered her face. “Explain Yang walking out the shower naked then?”

“That’s not stress you see, that’s envy. Next time she does it I’m turning the droplets on her into ice, and stop changing the subject!”

Blake threw her arms up, “Having a secret relationship means not having access to our dorms. That actually brings us to the favor I mentioned…”

“No, I will not give you money for a hotel.” Weiss deadpanned.

Blake’s jaw fell open. “Why not!? It doesn’t have to be a suite.”

Weiss rubbed the bridge of her knows as she thinks about her bank account. “No one carries enough cash to pay for a hotel room. Theoretically I could swipe my credit card, but then the bill is now in my purchase history. I do not need to explain in any capacity why I’m staying in a hotel. A person is bound to assume what I’m doing is exactly what you want to do. Nah uh, can’t do it.” Blake put her head down. Weiss couldn’t help but feel a little bad for her. She’s clearly been putting in the effort to sleep with Jaune, for some reason. Well he was...no no, that’s a rabbit hole that could stay closed. “How long do you need with him?” Weiss asked, committed to solving this problem for the sake of already being included.

Blake’s head popped up quickly . “Two, no, three hours. Give or take an extra half hour.”

Weiss blushes, “wh..why so long?”

“Just in case…” Blake mumbled, “Anything could happen.”

“For three hours? What are you, an animal in heat?” It didn’t even take a second for Weiss to realize how fucked up that question was. She placed her hand over Blake’s mouth as her friend's eyes were getting hostile. “Sorry! That was unrelated to anything, honest!”

Blake was kind enough to believe Weiss at her word, but still petty enough to lick the girl’s hand, making her shriek.

“Eeeiiik!!! Blake!”

“Three hours please.”

Weiss sighed, “Fine. Getting Ruby and Yang to stay out of there that long is doable. They always wanna drag me around to do things that will give me ‘culture’ as they put it. How are you gonna handle Jaune?”

“I….good question.”

Yep, definitely doesn’t read the room well. “Blake, just be easy with him. Reassuring words, all that stuff. It’s his first after all.”

Blake was surprised by the advice. “Wow, that’s really sweet of you to care about him like that.”

Weiss crosses her arms and turns away. “I’m doing this for you, not him. And for me. Jaune moping is way worse than when he’s confident. Hmph!”

xxxxx

“Come on Jaune! What’s taking so long?” Blake thought, fidgeting on her bed. A click of the door lock made her jump to her feet as it opened slowly. Jaune’s head peaked into the room, confused.

“Umm hello?”He looked to the right and saw Blake. “Oh, hey. I got your text and Weiss told me to swing by the moment I could. Everything okay?” Jaune walked in completely and shut the door. Something about this felt uncharacteristically serious. Even for Blake.

She took Jaune’s hand and guided him towards her bed to sit. “Okay, how to start this?” She sighed.

“I hope it starts with you telling me this isn’t a break up?” He said, worrying that he was in trouble. “That would be nice.”

Blake rubbed his back and smiled. “Relax, this isn’t that kind of talk. It’s actually...kinda the opposite.”

“The opposite? Like...marriage?” Jaune’s eyes widened. He wasn’t expecting that kind of conversation. “Don’t you think we’re too young for all that?”

Blake’s face turned red. The fact that’s where his mind went was actually pretty sweet. “Sex Jaune. I see how you got there, but I was referring to sex.” Blake mumbled. “Can we talk about it? We keep building up to it, but then you stop.”

His face got red. “I...it’s just…ummm” he couldn’t find the words. If Yang was here then he was sure a cat having his tongue pun would’ve been said. Jaune rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed about wimping out. Speaking only got worse when Blake took it upon herself to straddle his lap. Gods, she was too beautiful. Her eyes left him defenseless. The way her hands slowly ran up his chest and over his shoulders as the smell of lavender wafted over him. “Bl-Blake?”

“I like you.” She suddenly confessed, “I like you for who you are. The things you can do, can’t do, and never have done; I’m okay with all of it. If you’re thinking I’m ranking you to any previous experience, you’re wrong. The only experience I think about with you, is us. Our experiences.” Her right hand pulls his collar away from his neck. The urge to bite her lip is overwhelming as an urge in her core starts to burn. “Let me experience you.” She whispers. Blake leans in and begins kissing his neck. Honestly, she wanted to take things slower for his sake, but all but yearned for Jaune to touch her. So much so that it was a bit dizzying.

Jaune’s body flinched as Blake’s lips grazed his neck, nipping and licking it. “Blake…” Jaune moaned. His mind was still playing catch up, but his body was right on pace. His hands traveled up the feline’s toned legs and squeezed the round ass that rested on his lap, earning him a moan. Blake moved from his neck and captured his lips. Her hands went to his jawline to keep his face close. As if he thought about escaping.

Blake openly moaned as she felt his fingers kneed her ass like dough. She caught him by surprise when she slipped her tongue into his mouth, luring his into her own. Slowly, Blake locked her body back and forth to stir him up. The low groan he let out was a good sign she had done her job. Still, they have gotten this far before. Blake was determined to get further.

Her lips finally freed Jaune. The boy was flushed completely, catching his breath in rhythm with hers. Blake took the opportunity to remove only her blazer, then brought Jaune’s left hand away from her ass and onto her breast. Her fingers overlapped his and pressed down, making him squeeze it gently. “Touch me…” the lust in her voice flowed like a river. The way she felt Jaune’s hand quiver told her that he was still pretty anxious.

Jaune found it within himself to bring both of his hands to the top button of her shirt. A small smile on Blake’s face appeared as she closed her eyes and puffed her chest out a bit more as a sign to go ahead. “Take your time.” She said. Being patient wasn’t Blake’s strongest quality, but with Weiss’s advice in mind, she did her best to contain herself. It was funny. Jaune being nervous was actually making her heart beat faster.

Cool air hit her chest as her shirt was undone, revealing a purple lace bra. Firm hands went around her back. “I can handle the bra if you’re having tr-” a little pop noise was made as her bra strap was undone faster than her shirt. “Trouble…” she finished.

Jaune let out a sheepish chuckle. “Hehe, seven sisters, remember. I’m no stranger to how bras work. They left them everywhere.

“Jaune, you’re like a bag of tricks.” Blake smiled, “I just never know what comes next with you. That being said, I have a good idea that I'll be leading from here.” Blake let her bra fall, making Jaune gasp under his breath. Blake found his reaction to her D sized chest. His face got redder by the second as Blake brought his hands to them.

Jaune refused to speak. He’d hate to ruin the mood right now. He couldn’t believe how soft Blake felt. The way his fingers pressed against her as he massaged each boob. His pointer fingers grazed over her pale, pink nipples made the girl settle more into his lap.

“Mmmm~” Blake moaned, biting her lip from the touch. Jaune took it as a sign to keep going. A wise choice. Blake once again started to buck her hips against what had to be Jaune’s rock hard erection. Even with clothes on, it’s heat reached Blake’s equally hot core. Blake’s hands got busy. She scooted back a bit for them to have enough room to unbuckle Jaune’s pants. Her fingers traced along his lower stomach before dipping below the waistband and wrapping the throbbing erection. Blake leaned forward to capture his tongue yet again as he groaned from the feeling of her nimble fingers stroking his down.

Blake managed to pull his length up and out of his pants completely. She scooted forward again and rubbed his exposed cock against her wet panties. Her clit ground against the shaft. Blake mewled lustfully from Jaune squeezing her breast harder than before. Blake felt her tongue get drawn in and sucked on lightly. Someone was getting excited. The hot precum that ran down her hands only made it easier for Blake to pump faster.

Jaune couldn’t contain his groans and grunts. His hands gripped Blake’s ass again to hold her close. His kiss with her was broken by her going to kiss and bite his neck. “Blake…”

“Sshhh” Blake whispered, “cum for me.” If it wasn’t for her underwear, Jaune’s cock would be sliding up and down her soaked folds right now. The tip pressed against her clit and sent a shiver through Blake’s body that made her grind harder against it. She could tell Jaune was at the end of his rope. His hands gripped her even tighter as Jaune’s throbbing length finally let out a thick white seed that painted Blake’s moist thighs and panties. Blake smiled seductively as she slowed down the roll of her hips, letting him ride out his pleasure and wring out whatever remained inside.

“Blake!” Jaune hissed from the pleasure. Her hands pressed against his rising chest, making him lean back until his forearms had to support his body. Blake dismounted him to stand up for a moment then raised the sides of her soiled skirt, giving Jaune a clear view of the mess he made on the girl.

“Someone’s healthy.” Blake teased, “I wasn’t expecting so much.” Blake’s face became a deep red. Imagining the thought of this load inside her made her weak in all the right ways.

The sight of his and Blake’s arousal slowly trailing down her well toned legs was enough to leave anyone speechless. It didn’t help that her black panties were damp enough to outline the entrance to what Jaune would know to be a very intense experience. And as bad as he wanted it, Jaune couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed by his performance. “Not to kill the mood or sound ungrateful, but cumming alone is a bit… ehhh” was the best way he could describe himself.

Blake playfully rolled her eyes. Boys will be boys. “Well it’s not like we’re finished yet. Besides I literally told you cum. Rest assured I’ll get my moment a bliss before the end of this. Just have a bit of confidence. We’re still foreplaying.”

“I’m not an expert on this but is foreplay always this intense? I don’t think I’ve ever came that hard.” He admitted.

“It varies. Honestly...” Blake looked down at Jaune’s semi-flaccid dick. She slowly walked closer to the bed. Her hand tugged on Jaune’s slacks, prompting him to scoot down a bit more until Blake felt he was close enough. The young woman pulled a bit harder to pull his pants down and of the way of getting ruined. All why never taking her eyes off of him or is cum covered length. “....I like watching how good I make you feel.” She purred, getting excited again.

Jaune has no response to such a confession. Nor could he say anything as she bent over to grab his dick. Just her touching it was enough to make him grow. To get points even further across, Blake’s golden eyes looked right into his eyes as she made him tremble from placing her tongue at the base and lick up; agonizingly slow and deliberate too.

Blake took her time swirling around Jaune to collect the remnants of his load before taking him into her mouth for real. Jaune’s body tensed immediately and hand instinctively went to her head to brace himself as she bobbed up and down. His fingers wrapped around strains of hair, tugging them. Blake purred again with him down her throat and began watching him squirm.

“Blake!” He gasped. The girl only sped. Each time she went lower and lower while her tongue stroked the underside of his shaft. Before Jaune knew it, he was fully erect again and felt like he could cum again if she continued. “Blake! T-Timeout!” He yelled.

Blake gladly stopped. She had proved her point, gotten him hard again, and was pleasantly surprised to learn Jaune wasn’t that bitter in the slightest. Maybe it was his natural scent or something but Blake could see herself getting a bit too into sucking him off. That taste lingered on her and made her body burn up. “Need a break?”

“Not really.” He fibbed, knowing full well a girl who just went down him could probably tell just how into that experience he was. “I just… If I’m coming twice, I’d rather you get some action too.”

“Oh, okay.” Blake’s heart fluttered a bit. He really wanted her to feel good with him. “Then, let’s skip to the fun part.” Blake removed her panties that really should’ve removed earlier, along with the skirt.

Jaune marveled at his beautiful girlfriend who stood before him. Yeah they had sent pictures and sure she’s been topless for several minutes now, but it felt different once everything came off. Her long, beautiful legs went on each side of him, letting him have a full view of a wanting velvet core that hovered above his cock. A thin line of Blake’s arousal made both of teens blush as it dripped onto him. Jaune took his right thumb and pressed against her entrance, rubbing it slowly and watching how it coated his thumb.

“Mmmm~” Blake let out a breath that shook with excitement. Her chest began to rise and fall more distinctly and her back arched ever so slightly as she closed her eyes. “Please don’t fucking team me too long.” She moaned, nudging her hips to gain more friction.

Jaune was mesmerized by the way she acted. He sunk his thumb into her just to watch her crane her neck up and moan again. If he wasn’t excited before, he was now. “You’re so fucking wet…” pushing further in to feel her walls tighten. He kept a slow rhythm when pulling out, just to push right back in.

Blake bit her lip. Her hands ran up his shirt to expose his chest. She had to remember to thank

Pyrrha for putting Jaune through such rigorous training. He was well on his way to being the huntsman he so dearly dreamed of. It was funny but the more Blake thought it about, the more she realized what made her so drawn to him. Even when Jaune lacked experience, he set his sights high. Sure they could be a little too high at times, but you know what? There was something great about that. “I thought I told you not to tease me? I want you to give it to me.” Blake purred. She mustered the resolve to pry Jaune’s hand from her body and took hold of something much bigger and lively. “Ready for a ride? Just relax and let me lead okay?”

Jaune nodded. He watched Blake lower herself without a second thought. His hips instinctively bucked up as he felt the indescribable pleasure of wet, heated walls pulled him in tightly, refusing to let go. Jaune closed his eyes and gripped her waist.

“Feeling good?” Blake shuddered. The feeling of Jaune rubbing her insides so deep made her want to move immediately. Blake put her hands against Jaune’s chest and began rocking her hips. The grip Jaune had on her tightened. A low groan strained from his throat. Blake leaned forward until her breast pressed against him. “It gets better.” Her knees started feeling weak as raised her hips, having Jaune’s dick slid out until the tip remained. Blake then dropped her hips down, slamming his cock back inside of her. Again and again she did that, picking up the speed each time until the sound of her ass smacking against his lap filled the room and rocked the bed. Blake’s body was on autopilot. The feeling of her womb being invaded and walls being grazed, shocked Blake each time Jaune’s dick spearheaded inside of her wanting pussy. “Oh fuck yes…” Blake gasped, licking and biting Jaune’s neck.

The boy was going through it right now. Never had Jaune felt this kind of heat. No amount of foreplay could prepare anybody for this. Each slight movement felt like a jolt of lightning. His mind and body were conflicted. On one hand, Jaune wanted to hold out as long as possible. Yet his hips had other plans. Jaune couldn’t stop himself from timing his movements with Blake’s, thrusting deep into her for even greater pleasure

Blake had no problem with this whatsoever. “Ahhh~ just like that!” Blake encouraged, “You’re so deep...mmmm” the heat between them only grew. Their bodies worked up a sweat and Blake found herself panting more than moaning. Letting Jaune cum once was a good idea. Not only for him to last longer for this moment, but even Blake wasn’t confident her experience would give her an edge against his stamina. High sex drive or not, Blake knew herself well. Satisfying her needs wasn’t as trying as Jaune might think. Especially when she’s topping.

Blake sat up and leaned back a bit. She braced her hands behind her back and began rocking back and forth with Jaune completely inside of her.

Jaune couldn’t take his eyes off of Blake’s body as it grinded on him. The woman’s eyes were shut tight as she focused on the pleasure, while her boobs bounced from each rock. “You’re so beautiful.” He said without thinking. The compliment was heard though, since Blake immediately started going even faster. Jaune let out another groan. He wanted her so bad. Sitting still just wasn’t his style.

Blake’s concentration was broken when she felt strong arms around her lower back. She opened her eyes to see the blonde knight sit up as well. “Jaune?” She said confused. Instead of answering her. Jaune gave her a chaste but strong kiss before his mouth went suck on one of her tits. “Jaune!” She moaned, gripped his hair. Blake arched her back as she felt him lick and suck it, while groping the other one. The assault on her body only intensified when his remaining free hand fell to her ass to squeeze it while she continued to fuck herself on his dick until her mind felt foggy. “This is...too much!” Her hand clung to him. “And you were worried!?” She asked knowing he couldn’t speak right now.

Jaune might’ve been happy by the question if he wasn’t too busy fighting off his fast approaching orgasm. It was crazy Blake was the one saying he was doing too much. Her scent, the way her body pressed against his, the sounds that escaped her beautiful lips, and the way she moved her hips. As if she was trying to milk everything out of him all at once. Every part of her wax too much yet Jaune could only want more, surrendering to the embrace of her soaked walls. Jaune gasped for air. “Blake, I….I can’t...”

Words were beyond him. All he could do was buck in between Blake’s legs.

A seductive smile grew on her face as she went faster. “That’s right, fuck me just like this….and cum. Blake leaned into his, “Hard…”

A slave to her voice, Jaune obeyed Blake’s words without fail. He could only manage several more intoxicating moments before the urge to cum was too strong to deny. Jaune held her close and kept her there; shooting ropes white inside her.

Blake felt Jaune bite down on her shoulder as he filled her deep. All the rough touches and spasms was more than enough to push her over the edge. “Shit…” she said with a shrill voice. Her arms and legs wrapped tightly around his body and Blake buried her face in the crook of neck. Blake tried resisting but her nails dug into his back as her orgasm finally hit. Every muscle in her body tensed up. Her toes curled and she could feel Jaune throbbing inside her as her body tried taking everything the boy had to give.

Neither could speak. They could only cling to each other for what felt like forever before the waves of pleasures finally subsided. Blake was the first to loosen her grip. The girl's limbs released tension and she had zero desire to move an inch. It was only when Jaune went to tilt her head up by her chin that the two looked at each other with a mix of gratification and exhaustion. Blake positioned his hand for her head to rest in, purring at the feel of his touch.

Jaune let out at chuckle. He fell backwards onto the bed with Blake following him down. The girl laid on top of him and continued purring.

“Yeah I don’t see what you were worried about.” She said, teasingly.

“Hey, when Blake Belladonna says she wants to have her way with you, panic sets in. So, good time?”

Blake flicked his forward. “You have me laying on top of you naked and purring.”

“Yeah, fair point. Phew, well that’s good. I like making you happy.”

Blake blushed as she felt his arms hold her gently. “Hmm well looks like you’ve given me a new experience after all.”

“What, cuddling after sex?”

“Mmmhmmm.” Blake hummed, “No time to cuddle when you’re you know, working in a cult. Luxuries like that don’t exist.”

Jaune smirked, “Gee, I never would’ve guessed.” Blake pinched him for that sarcastic remark. Not that it actually did anything. “Well I’m happy to be your first post sex cuddle experience. Though it’s a little risky isn’t it?”

“We have like three hours before anyone shows up. It’s fine.”

“Not exactly the issue I had in mind but good to know.”

Blake’s eyelids felt heavy. That was until the feeling of Jaune’s hands on her butt shocked her away. The feeling of him swelling inside her again made her shudder. Stamina was dangerous. “Please, fifteen minutes. We have like three hours.” She groaned. “Then I’ll have you screaming all over again.”

“Fine by me, but this time I’m getting you off at least twice. Two to one just isn’t fair. I want you just as pleased as me.”

Looking back on things, Blake mentally retracted her statement about boys and their pride. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. “I’ll hold you to that.” Blake closed her eyes and got some rest.

xxxx

“We’re back!” Yang shouted as she walked in with her two teammates. She looked over to see Blake chillin on her bed reading in her sleeping clothes. “Gee if it wasn't for your clothes then I would’ve believed you actually sat there and read the entire time. I’m surprised you haven’t finished all of your books.”

“I’m a slow reader.” Blake blatantly lied. “I did finish a couple of times, books I mean.” Her eyes looked up from the pages to see Weiss staring at her in voiceless disbelief. She wiggled her eyebrows, making Weiss turn red.

The heiress turned around and walked out the room.

“Weiss, where are you going?” Ruby asked.

The Schnee sighed and kept walking. “A place that makes sense.”

Ruby didn’t know what that meant she looked at Yang who shrugged, then to Blake who masterfully controlled her laughter. “Huh, I guess Blake reading slowly through her for a loop?”

It was impossible for Blake not to place her book over her face and smile behind it. “Never change Ruby.” She muttered, “Never change.”

[evansbby]

I’m so sorry you’re feeling anxious about being on here, I totally get the feeling and it’s a difficult one to navigate. I was a blog in the Taylor Swift fandom for a while (when she was on here), actively posting and interacting with others, and it was way too much. Everyone would instantly flood Tumblr every time she would come on and start responding to or liking things, making everything feel a lot more disingenuous (at the same time you couldn’t help but get swept up in the fervor). People were also MEAN. God I remember there were these big/popular blogs in the fandom that formed tight cliques. Honestly sometimes it was better when the blogs were outwardly bitchy than when they’d try to hide it. They’d act super wholesome and fun-loving (so Taylor would see) but their true colors would show in their interactions with people who weren’t somehow boosting their platform. I just didn’t understand why you would create a public blog and then almost make it a competition to see who could capture your attention, like who would be good enough to warrant a response from the great blog that’s received 12 likes from Taylor. It was incredibly anxiety-inducing. I never felt like I knew what I was doing, every time I would log in I felt I was trying to be someone I wasn’t. And of course the rude people came in too, yelling at me from time to time in my inbox, and that shit cut deep. On the surface I would pretend to be okay but I distinctly remember going to my mom and sobbing into her shoulder because of the drama. I ended up leaving that blog behind and starting a completely different one to just follow tumblrs i like more generally (and now I’m in this fanfic world which is amazing lol), and it’s a lot better. I still have some public social media accounts, but I would say what has been most helpful for me is understanding that social media means that people who would never have the guts to say shit to you in person will lobby whatever the fuck over anon or a tweet or a comment. They love being shielded by their anonymity, the fact that you don’t know who it is. But they could never bring that to you in person, and that’s a comfort. Also knowing that the people who truly know you would never say something like that, so the problem isn’t you. This is your space, you are an incredible, amazing, witty writer, and no one can take that away from you. Sorry that this turned into a rant about my own experiences, but I just wanted to say that it can get better. Took me a long time to stop caring about mean people as much and oftentimes I still feel the sting of their words, but it’s a lot better than it was. Thank you for being awesome and @ every mean anon, LEAVE EVANSBBY ALONE!!!!!!!!

You’re the sweetest! Thank you so much for this message! Yes, I agree that fandom spaces can get super cliquey at times, which honestly sucks. It’s always good to not invest too much emotionally in a fandom or a celebrity to the point where things start affecting you mentally, but I understand sometimes people can’t help it. I think an element of detachment is always good… that way you can never get hurt or upset bahahaha. I hope you’re in a better space now too!! I’m working on myself and trying to see what’s good for me to do currently in regards to this blog and tumblr in general!

[angelicmichael]

Imminient Annihilation sounds so dope - Chapter Ten

Michael Langdon X Reader

Summary: Reader and Michael continue to work through their issues and finally start to warm up to each other even further. 

Words: 5.9k+ …oops

Warnings: just normal IA warnings (swear words, manipulation, unhealthy relationships, enemies to lovers, slowburn, etc) anddd maybeee a bit of fluff 👁

A/N: hey guys! Sorry I haven’t updated this in a few months but hopefully this is satisfactory hehe. This chapter is kinda a turning point in the fic so I hope u guys like it!! Also I watched Jennifer’s Body as I finished this so.. do what u must w that information 😌 djdjd

Previous Chapter

Rain was never something you were accustomed too. Spending so much time in Los Angeles had made you partially spoiled when it came to the weather - which is why you knew immediately your day was going to be shit when you woke up to rain.

You tried to convince yourself that the emotions you were feeling weren’t complete disdain but rather just a pessimistic version of indifference.. or that’s what you hoped anyway.

You knew realistically that your day wasn’t already doomed before it even started; and that the rain was nothing more than a mere inconvenience.. However; you still felt justified in complaining, considering today was the day you were ripping the band-aide off and moving in to the apartment Michael had oh so graciously chosen to give you.

Your pessimistic mood surrounding the entire situation was inevitable, and that was something you didn’t even bother to resist or fight. It didn’t take long for your thoughts to quickly go south as you quickly packed. Hatred that seemingly came out of nowhere (but that you realistically knew was only temporarily dormant) wasted no time in blinding your judgement - making you feel a nearly nauseating amount of jealousy and anger for people who actually seemed to be fucking happy in their relationships and werent forced into.. whatever shitty living situation you knew you were bound to find yourself in.

An apartment with no strings attached was way too fucking simple, and you knew it was too good to be true. You knew you were basically walking into a trap, and for what reason were you doing that so willingly? Just so that maybe Michael could start to tolerate you? You resented yourself for even agreeing to this but you also understood you really had no other option.

However; personal feelings aside.. you still had a mission to accomplish. You still had to attempt to seduce Michael, and even though you were doing a shit job at that so far - you still had to try. You knew realistically it was only a matter of time before Cordelia would ask about the progress you've made, and you would have to tell her something.

You had to do this.

That's why you were (semi) blindly choosing to move in to a building you knew you absoluetly couldnt afford; and why you were sucking up your pride and choosing to become semi reliant on Michael.

No one from the coven knew, and for the time being you intended to keep it that way. After all, even though Mallory didnt exactly know that Michael gave you a whole ass fucking apartment - your sure she probably suspected that something important happened between you and Michael just from the short conversation you three harbored together. But for the time being, you didnt have to worry about that. You had bigger things that were on your mind.. like the actual apartment door itself that you currently stood in front of.

You held the keys limply in your hand, your bag slumped next to you as you procrastinated something as fucking simple as opening a door. How pathetic.

You continued to stall in the hallway regardless - thankful there was no one passing through to witness how ridiculous you looked. Your gaze fell south down to your keys which were cold in your hand. Dripping slowly with the subtle rainwater that managed to linger on them, along with the rest of your clothes.

Your skin stung from the cold that seemed stubborn to leave, and a nice change of clothes and a hot shower wouldnt be the absolute worst thing in the world..

Fuck.

You bit your lip in order to prevent letting the profanity from rolling off your tongue. Quickly getting a better grip on the keys (which only made you somehow colder) and numbly, hastily unlocking the door.

You pushed it open, letting the door hit the wall and taking a few steps inside before dropping your bag to the floor.. as well as your jaw.

No words could possibly convey how you felt as you noticed how the room was already illuminated with not only natural light from the already huge windows you could see.. but also with a warm, yellow artificial glow.

Was someone already here?

What the fuck?

The hatred and resentment you previously felt toward others earlier rapidly started to return - except this time it was targeted at one very specific person.

It didnt even register in your mind that the light could've been left on by accident or that people besides Michael actually existed that could be present in the room but.. you didnt care. Anger was the only emotion that was solely present in your body as you fully abandoned your bag by the door. Advancing forward; and only feeling more shock and disbelief with every step you took at the thought that he could very possibly be in (what was supposed to be) your space.

"Michael, I swear to God-"

"Y/n?” said a soft, feminine voice.

It was practically automatic how you froze. Just getting close enough to notice that it wasn’t Michael after all that was on your bed in your new studio apartment, but a woman sat on your bed instead.

For about two seconds, you were scared it was Madison but.. that was a stupid assumption within itself. The company you were with was from a far different nature than of which Madison was, even though at first glance the two woman might look or sound similar. There were so many qualities that distinguished Mallory from Madison. Brown, auburn hair.. dark eyeshadow.. and her classic black boots. It didn’t take long for your anger to fade away as you tried to not think about how logically this still didn’t make sense - walking closer to your bed anyway.

"How did you get in here? And since when did you ever break into peoples rooms?" You asked with a laugh.

Mallory echoed your laugh back, seemingly watching you and your behavior. As if she was expecting you to do something or to act a certain way.. like perhaps leave.

"I didnt break into your apartment but.. you should probably sit down." She spoke, before nodding off to her side. Nonverbally suggesting you to sit next to her.

You did as you were told. Noticing briefly before you sat down how nice the apartment actually was.. including the bed.

The walls, and most of everything in the apartment was a solid black. It looked sleek, and even though black paint made most rooms look small - the natural light helped keep things looking open which you appreciated. It was no surprise that the bed matched the dark theme too. The sheets were silky, black satin. You almost laughed at how comfortable the bed was once you sat next to Mallory, the entire situation was so ridiculous it nearly hurt for you to not laugh out loud. The two of you sat in the silence for a moment.. you were each incredibly anxious, that was more than apparent.

You looked up at Mallory, expecting her to speak first and explain herself since after all.. shes the one who broke into your apartment but she still remained quiet.. Stalling, you could only guess.

"So, why are you here? How did you even get in here? Is everything okay?" You asked, your words speedy and rushed.

Panic started to temporarily set in when you realized that something could be serisouly wrong with the coven, even though you knew how completly irrational it was to think that way with no evidence. What if witch hunters found them? What if someone preformed the seven wonders and it went wrong? What if the plan had suddenly changed with Michael?

Mallory seemed to pick on how anxious you suddenly were, putting a hand on your upper arm before making you meet her gaze. Her soft, hazel brown eyes immeadietly making your breathe slow. That was another reason you were so thankful for Mallory - the soothing, calming effect she seemed to have on everyone she met was something you never took for granted.. Espically now.

"Hey, nothing's wrong and nothing happened. I promise. I just wanted to see you and talk to you, and I figured we should catch up after Michael basically made me leave," Mallory explained.

You quickly nodded. Feeling guilt start to creep into your system once you remembered how Michael previously treated her.

"Yeah, youre right. I've been wanting to see you anyway and I'm sorry I didnt just call you last night or something.. and I know I cant control him but I'm still sorry for how Michael treated you. I shouldn't have brought you into that-"

"(Y/n), stop," Mallory said urgently. Shaking her head slightly in disagreement with your words. "Sure, Michael was acting like a dick but.. it's nothing I'm not exactly accustomed too. It was harmless," she ended her words with a smile. One that was meant to comfort you both at the epiphany her words brought.

You sat with her words for a moment. The realization suddenly hitting you like a truck-

"Wait.. what? Do you know Michael?"

Mallory fell completely silent. Looking at you almost in a.. guilty manner. Her gaze fell downwards before she looked up to meet yours once more, licking her lips anxiously before she uttered out a quiet reply.

"I wasnt going to tell you because I knew it would make you upset but.. Michael called me last night-"

"And you answered?" Your voice raised up a few octaves unwillingly. Threatening to break as you tried to process what you were hearing.

As much as you wanted to immeadietly jump to conclusions, you had to remind yourself that this was Mallory you were talking too. Your best friend, Mallory. You knew she would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.

You noticed Mallory was also starting to get tense. Her spine suddenly a bit too straight and her shoulders were rigid. It was nice to know you werent the only person in this situation who was feeling this way, although you would be lying if you were to say that you werent curious for why Mallory felt tense.

"At first, no but he kept calling so I figured it would cause no harm to see what he wanted so, I answered," Mallory said cautiously.

It was obvious she had more to say and as much as you wanted her to keep talking and fully explain herself - you were more than happy that you didnt have to cut her off again. It was too much. This was too much.

You pinched the bridge of your nose before loudly exhaling with a shallow growl. Not really caring that it probably was coming off like you were mad at Mallory when in reality, that wasn’t the case. Mallory wasn’t the problem; you were really just beyond fucking pissed at Michael.

But at this point.. that wasnt new news.

"I told him that we shouldnt be talking, but he insisted," Mallory continued with a shrug.

You tried to sit up straight again; trying to exhale some of the pure fucking anger that was currently coursing through your system. Your vision was spotted black when you opened your eyes - your gaze pointed upwards at the smooth, blank ceiling. Quickly wishing that you were anywhere else, or really anyone else at the moment.

What you wouldnt kill to swap bodies again.. but then again, who knows what the hell Michael was currently doing at the moment.. He couldnt be trusted.

That was more than obvious now.

You should've known that he would contact Mallory, but how he even got her number was beyond you.. Unless-

"How did he even get your number?" You asked. Your tone strikingly calm.

Mallory looked incredibly spooked when your head suddenly snapped over to look at her. As if she was worried you were angry at her still, and as much as you wanted to reassure her otherwise, you really didnt have the energy to do so anymore. Not at the moment anyway.

"You can't be mad when I tell you the answer, okay?" She said softly.

Your features immeadietly softened at her words. The rest of your body relaxed as well; your shoulders dropping and your jaw unclenching.

"Mallory, I could never be mad at you. You could never piss me off, i'm just.. frustrated at Michael. It's not at you, I swear," you said. Trying your best to make your words sound reassuring and genuine.

Mallorys reaction wasnt one that was verbal but immeadite nonetheless. Her arms suddenly shot out and wrapped themselves around you. Her body temporarily pressing into yours as your hands went to her back, before she quickly broke the hug.

"Promise?" Mallory prompted. Brown eyes looking diligently into yours.

"Yeah.. I promise. Just tell me what that idiot did,” you said halfheartedly.

"So.. I've had his number for a while. Not for too long but just since you two switched. But, we never really talked," Her voice stalled as she watched your reaction. Your mouth grew dry as you really tried to let it sink in that they've known eachother since- well for atleast a week. "But I knew immeadietly that it wasnt you.. that day. I'm sorry I lied, but Michael made me promise."

"Why didnt you just tell me?"

Mallory looked at you in a guilty manner. Her lips pursing shut as she looked solemnly at her shoes, avoiding eye contact. You knew exactly why she was being quiet - she didnt want to admit why she had lied but.. the answer was pretty obvious.

Even though Mallory was one of the strongest witches - almost stronger than Cordelia on some days, she still was scared of Michael and that was nothing worth holding a grudge over. After all he was still the antichrist, no matter how (mostly) harmless and idiotic he seemed to you now.

"Okay.. I guess that doesnt really matter," you admitted with a laugh. Figeting with your hands as you heard a shallow laugh omit also from Mallory, which made you smile. The shallow pit that resided in your stomach finally starting to let up. "But.. What did he call you about last night?"

Mallory hesitated again before giving you another subtle smile.

"It was mostly about you.. I know how you feel about him y/n, but its working. I promise you. Hes finally warming up to you. I just wish you could hear how he talks about you,” she spoke. Taking your hands into her soft, warm ones.

"I wish I believed that," You admitted.

"I wouldnt lie to you. Hes finally starting to warm up to you, plus it was obvious yesterday-"

"Yeah; It was obvious how strong he was coming onto you."

Mallory laughed again at your words. Shaking her head slightly in protest.

“Y/n you know that’s not true. The only reason why he was flirting with me was just to get to you.. I thought that was obvious.”

“It was obvious I just.. didn’t know that you knew that. I mean, Michael has Madison.. or he did so you think that would at least satisfy his flirting needs for a bit but.. Michael faking to be interested in you, that would mean he wanted a reaction out of me on purpose? Why would he-“

“You know why. You need to start cutting yourself slack and realize that maybee this rivalry is starting to be one sided.”

You pouted at her words at the realization that they actually held more truth in them than you were willing to admit. If Michael didn’t hate you anymore, if he was truly actually willing to be civil.. then why were you still so upset? Were you the one who was unintentionally causing problems now? Was it now you instead of Michael that was holding the relationship back?

How fucking stupid.

“I can’t trust him, Mallory. How can I when he and Madison literally tried to kill me. I can never forget that they did that to me.”

“I’m not asking you to forget what he did, y/n. I’m just saying that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to start having an open mind around him, and see where it gets you.”

You were struck silent, knowing that Mallory was completely right. If you wanted to have any hope at all of making things right with Michael (even though you really didn’t do anything wrong..) you would have to try a different approach because obviously; what you were doing now wasn’t working. Being snarky, and vaguely threatening him every chance you got was fun of course but- it wasn’t working. Even though Mallory was probably the sweetest person you knew, the fact your own best friend had to (very politely) make a intervention was.. not a good sign. Although, you knew Mallory was doing this for your best interest because if she didn’t say anything, then Cordelia certainly would.

And sadly, Mallory was actually right.

If you wanted things with Michael to advance any further; or to advance at all you needed to step things up but, you could always worry about that after Mallory left.

“So what, are you guys besties now or something?” You sneered.

“Shut up!” Mallory said with a laugh, playfully pushing you over a bit. “He’s barely even my acquaintance. The only reason he’s being nice to me is just to get to you, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean that’s the goal-“

“Do you think that’s the only reason?” You interrupted.

Your throat automatically tightened after you spoke, the threat of your words potentially being true coaxing you to silence. Your not sure why the thought of Michael using you made you upset.. it’s not as if you didn’t think he was doing it before but this time it was different. Perhaps it was because you finally thought Michael actually had some type of interest in you.. and to have that suddenly ripped away?

That would leave you beyond broken.. you knew that for certain.

Mallory looked at you solemnly, as if she was already resenting her words before she had to say them outloud.

“Look, I don’t exactly know Michaels intentions and I’m not going to pretend too.. I don’t really think anyone does at this point but I do know that regardless of your feelings, or even his feelings that.. you have to try.”

You let out a loud exhale.

“I mean you said it yourself.. Michaels so unpredictable, there’s no point in guessing how he feels so.. maybe I should just.. ask him?”

Realistically you didn’t know how good of a idea that was- but.. trying to remain realistic was something you gave up on days ago. Pretty much the same day you switched and that definitely wasn’t a coincidence by any means.

As soon as Mallorys mouth opened, you heard three loud knocks. Quick and rapid with no hesitation between them. The apartment nearly shook with the force of whoever happened to be at your door, and you certainly didn’t doubt that your neighbors heard the knocking as well.

Mallory looked at you in utter confusion, but stayed on the bed nonetheless with no sign of getting up. Naturally, you found yourself scooting closer to the end of the bed, knowing it was you who was going to have to get the door.. and that made you scared shitless. Not because you were necessarily scared to open the door but because you had a horribly bad feeling on who was on the other side.. There was only one person that you knew of that was aware of where you lived, and you knew it wasn’t matience or staff.

You knew standing up was the logical thing to do but you still stalled. Hands starting to painfully dig into the soft, expensive sheets that lie underneath you. You mouthed a silent, ‘what the fuck?’ to Mallory but your head snapped back at the door..

Three more knocks which were only louder and more persistent than the last.

“Coming!” You quickly called out.

It was pure anxiety that fueled your next actions. You quickly stood up from the bed, trying to walk hurriedly to the door as fast as you could and trying your damn best not to think.. Hoping Mallory also had a idea of who was at the door and also happened to get the fuck out of view.

You didn’t want a repeat of yesterday happening again today, and you knew you wouldn’t hesitate to slap Michael if he tried to flirt with her again. Even though, you knew you weren’t supposed to act like that anymore.. but why should you have manners if Michael refused them as well?

Opening the door swiftly and without a second thought; you stood breathless as you saw a familiar blonde standing in front of you.

You both stared at each other at first - each not daring to have the balls to say ‘hello’ or anything else for that matter.. You noticed how Michael first eyed you up, fully looking up and down your body (as well as peering behind you, hopefully not making eye contact with Mallory). You made a point to just look into Michaels eyes, refusing to do what he was doing.. whatever the fuck that truly was.

“How did you know I would be here?” You breathed.

“I knew it was just a matter of time before you’d come, but it also never hurt to charm the hotel staff a bit,” Michael responded swiftly without a second beat, almost as if he anticipated your words. His lips upturned slightly at the edges, in a way that nearly made your stomach sick.

“The hotel staff-?!”

“I have connections everywhere y/n, I thought you knew that,” he sneered.

He brushed past you as you continued to stand in shock. Your mouth slightly falling open as Michael took a few steps into your apartment - looking curiously around, almost as if he knew Mallory was here..

“I did.. I think that’s obvious,” you shot back hurriedly. “But thank you for the apartment again, Michael. I still feel weird taking it but it is nice I’ll admit,” you continued. Hoping to make him turn around to look back at you and hopefully not find Mallory.. Which worked. At least for a few seconds at least.

Michael made direct eye contact with you for a moment, almost as if he wanted to speak but was deliberately choosing not too. Instead he turned around, walking in deeper in the apartment.

Your mouth immediately dropped open - your feet carried yourself forward as you started to feel a bit numb with shock- not knowing even in the slightest how you were going to handle the situation if Mallory didn’t fucking move.

Sure enough..

“You always manage to linger.. don’t you?” Michael spoke.

It took only a couple steps for you to fully realize he wasn’t speaking to you. You only saw his backside as you approached them. Quickly meeting Mallorys gaze as you came into view.. Her brown eyes darker than ever as she peered up at you.

This time it is nearly impossible to distinguish whether she looked in agony from Michaels appearance or yours; since you apparently interrupted them. Her gaze quickly returned back to meet Michaels before you could think anything of it.

“I’m not here to see you, Michael.” Mallory announced. Her tone harsher than what you were expecting what apparent friends would use.. Were they even really friends?

Mallory suddenly stood up while Michael was still standing a few feet in front of her. Making eye contact with Michael for a split second before almost ducking around him before she stood in front of you.. leaving Michael speechless behind her. She quickly hugged you, her arms only embracing you for a split second before leaving. It was obvious she was in a hurry to leave now but.. you weren’t sure exactly why.

“I should get going, you and Michael have a lot to talk about,” she subtly smiled before turning to leave.. not letting you reply or have any sort of reaction to her words.

You stood solemnly as you heard Mallory’s footsteps gradually go farther away, before hearing the door open and close. You watched Michaels back as he refused to turn around.

“How was your nice chat with Mallory?”

“Why are you asking? Am I not allowed to see her or something?” You bit back. Your words possibly twice as venomous as his were.

Michael hastily turned around, looking at you with utter disbelief. His blue eyes looking into yours, as if he was suddenly surprised by your tone and how you were acting - as if his behavior didn’t proceeded yours.

“You need to relax,” he snapped. He approached you until he was right in front of you. “I wasn’t asking because I’m trying to control you, I know that’s what your thinking,” His words fell soft until they were nearly inaudible. “I just wanted to ask what she talked to you about.”

“About us?” You prompted.

“Well what else would she be talking to you about,” he snickered. His words spoken as more of a statement than a question. His laughter quickly dwindled off after he saw how rigid your frame suddenly looked. “Kidding. For the most part.. she said she was going to talk to you, and I figured I should actually speak to you this time rather than her.”

“Are you.. actually trying to trust me, Michael Langdon?” You teased. A smile, as well as laughter escaped from your lips at the mere thought.

Even though the thought was amusing on its own, you still didn’t completely trust him. Even now when he had Mallorys trust (for the most part), you still didn’t doubt that he had a ulterior motive.

Michael finally stepped back, hesitantly breaking eye contact before inaudibly beckoning you to follow him.

“I’m trying, just like how I told you I would,” He hauntingly reminded you.

You followed him silently to the long leather couch that sat by the overly expansive windows. Sitting down next to him in a way that felt almost too casual.. but being casual around Michael and not borderline fearing for your life was something you would have to adjust too.

You noticed how he instantly slipped his shoes off; drawing up his feet on the couch.. his arms and as well the rest of him contained. Away from you.

“So if your trying.. now,” you suggested uncertainly. “Then.. tell me why you came here to talk suddenly again? I mean why not just go through Mallory again like you’ve doing previously?”

“(Y/n), please. Take me seriously and just trust me for once,” His words came out quick and stern as he spoke them. “I was being serious yesterday, as well as all the other times when I told you I wanted to start.. putting effort in and trying.”

You stared at Michael utterly dumbfounded.. Feeling a bit hopeless that you actually felt almost.. touched by his words. That’s if he was actually being serious, anyway.

“What does trying mean to you?” You asked carefully. Your mind naturally went back to Madison.. were they even broken up yet? Was that even something that Michael was willing to do for you, and how was that something you could just ask? “What about-“

“Madison’s fine. She’s fine.. with everything,” he replied hesitantly.

You simply ignored the fact that he seemed to pick up what you were talking about almost immeadietly.. focusing on rather the latter part of the sentence.. that she was okay with everything?

“So she knows? That you’re here?”

“Yeah. She knows but that’s besides the point. Madison isn’t a part of the equation anymore, I don’t want to talk about her,” He spoke as if his words were final and not to be argued with, but his tone wasn’t angry. He was just done.. and you were too.

You wish that wasn’t the case though. Cutting Madison off didn’t sit right with you in the slightest, and it would definitely have to be something that would have to be mended later. That was a given.

Madison and Michaels relationship was far too close for them to suddenly split and remain like that forever - it was temporary, but so is everything really. That shouldn’t phase you but - it still managed too.

“Okay. I’m sorry, I didn’t-“ you started.

“It’s fine. I knew you would ask.. She’s the reason why I’m here actually,” His eyes broke contact and averted down to his hands. “I don’t mean that as in I’m not here to see you but, it was something she said that brought me here.” He continued, his voice almost growing soft now at just the mention of his ex girlfriend.. and now, you felt like you actually were starting to understand his point of view. Not fully but, it was clear that Michael was trying to be more open with you, and this time he wasn’t ‘fake’ drunk.

It took nearly everything in you to not immeadietly retort but just like the night where you were at the party; you tried to fully hear him out since this was apparently one of the few times he was being civil.

“So Madison gave you advice and you actually took it?” You said while laughing softly. Trying to lighten the mood since Michael seemed to be brooding.

Michael didn’t laugh back but instead his gaze flickered up to meet yours for a moment. The corners of his mouth upturning in a shallow smile that only lasted for a few seconds.

“I did because it made sense.” He said, his tone still remaining serious. You noticed how careful he was being with his words.. something that was typical for Michael to do but this time it seemed a bit too deliberate. You wanted to ask what exactly Madison even told him to do but.. that felt wrong. “It was also the right thing to do.. Being close to you is something I should’ve done a while ago, probably immeadietly-“

“But what’s in the past; stays in the past. And since your so adamant about being close to me.. we can always try now,” you cut in.

Michael continued to sit a good distance away from you; you thought it was ironic how he could talk about wanting to get close with you but wouldn’t dare to move any closer. That thought made your pride a little bit too happy.

Right before he could open his mouth to say something; his phone rang. The sound suddenly earsplitting and blaring but Michael didn’t bother to flinch. Instead he stood up and answered his phone.. making sure to nearly trek across the apartment before he said anything into the phone.

You stretched and casually examined him as he talked, you had a feeling who it was on the line..

After how tense things were with Mallory - you knew they probably weren’t going to be on friendly terms anytime soon.. especially in front of you. And judging by how.. oddly relaxed he seemed (yet timid when he caught your gaze and realized you were staring), it had to be one person.

You were about to sink back into the couch and try your best to not speculate what they were talking about, but before you could fully turn - you realized Michael was sauntering towards you.. clearly still on the phone.

Oh fuck.

Before you could ask what was wrong, the look he gave you alone ushered you to silence.

He quickly held the phone away from his ear. A quick glance at the screen confirmed that the call was still active.

“You said you forgive Madison.. right?” He spoke lowly. His words barely audible, more so mouthing the words than actually speaking them.

You looked at him with a expression you’re sure looked as if you were furious but you were really just completely confused. You wanted to ask but.. there was no time if she was on the phone, but knowing what you were about to get yourself into would also be nice to know.

His eyes had since lost the sharpness that had nearly cut you earlier, instead swarming with urgency and a bit of panic.. It had to be Madison. The only person that could ever have that effect on Michael was Madison.

You simply nodded in response. Not trusting yourself to speak quietly outloud but you also didn’t exactly trust your response because it wasn’t exactly truthful, but Michael seemed to be level headed.. for now.

Michael immeadietly turned and held the phone back up to his ear, this time staying in closer proximity and within ear shot. Putting on his shoes as he continued to hold the conversation he was having.

“Okay

...

So when are you coming?

...

Great, see you then. . . Bye.”

If you didn’t just hear the words that you thought you had heard.. you knew under normal circumstances your heart would’ve ached when you realized how Michael hesitated before he said goodbye, most likely catching himself before he said ‘I love you’. Instead though, you felt a gruesome wave of nausea suddenly rise through you.. urging you to shakily stand up and speak without thinking.

“She’s coming to see you?”

Michael barely gave you a second glance as he turned around and started to head for the front door of the apartment.

“Yes. You’ll be seeing her too, don’t worry.” He spoke before he quickly let the door shut behind him.

You continued to stand, utterly speechless.

Part of you wanted to run after him and the other part merely wanted to scream in anger that he had already made fucking plans but instead you felt numb. Numb and calm.

You returned to your bag and unpacked, trying your best to not let your emotions consume you like they previously had too many times.. until you finally broke down and called Mallory.

Taglist: @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakescoven @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @king-with-no-crovvn @melodylangdon @littledemondani @langdons-pinkyring @celestialrequiem @sojournmichael @mindlesschicca

Let me know if u would like to be added or removed to the taglist!!

[serenasoutherlyns]

Not a Summer Crush Part Six

a/n: OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINISHED A CHAPTER! This will probably be the second or third to last one? Anyways, this is The Chapter where it happens so. Enjoy!! Any feedback is appreciated, it feels so good to have written something :).

Part Six

Serena quickly counted the number of drinks she’d had in her head. She felt more sober by far than you, Casey, or Alex seemed; everything was going according to plan. You were dancing with one of your friends from the studio, leaving Casey and Alex to dance together; Serena noticed-- looking towards you as much as one another. Serena had been dancing with one of your friends. At the next break the band took, Mariana followed the four of you back to your table, kissed Serena on the cheek and started pulling her away from you, with a look in her eyes that, you recognized from personal experience, meant she had every intention of taking her in the restroom. You winked at the two of them, expecting Serena to follow her lead, but she didn’t instead electing to give her hip a squeeze before whispering something in her ear and sitting down beside Casey while you slid in next to Alex again.

“You two are really getting the hang of this,” you said, your head resting in your hands, your elbows propped up on the table. You didn’t like to get too drunk when you went dancing, mainly because the diminished coordination bothered you, but you’d made an exception tonight, and you were feeling pleasantly buzzed, enough to push your flirting out of the territory of subtle. You leaned your head against Alex’s shoulder, smiling as she said something you weren’t quite listening to. You tended to “check out” when you were drunk, turning into a bit of a passive observer, letting the big picture of the space wash over you rather than noticing every little piece of conversation.

Serena held out her phone to snap a picture of the group, and as she did so, you tilted your head up the slightest bit to bring your lips to rest incredibly lightly on Alex’s cheek. Testing the waters again, you lifted your head up further and turned across the table to see Casey, not jealous but happy, the smile on her lips full of desire, her pupils wide. Alex was blushing, her gaze averted from your own. You no longer had any more doubt: this was going to happen. It was all a question of when

“Serena,” you said, “what do you think of Mariana?” It was a plot to get her to leave the three of you alone, and you were sure you weren’t being delicate enough for her not to notice. You didn’t much care.

“She’s beautiful, talented,” Serena said with a suggestive wink. “I’m sure you know that, though,” she said.

You choked on your drink, coughing. “You act like I’ve slept with everyone in here,” you said, hoping Serena would take you up on the door you were opening.

Nobody was better than her at picking up the hidden question underneath someone’s statements. “Almost,” she said, low and playful. Casey swatted Serena’s shoulder (to which Serena reacted with an indignant “ow!”) while Alex took another long sip of her drink.

Mariana walked back by your table, grabbing Serena’s hand before she could object too strongly to your reactions, and Serena followed, leaving the three of you alone.

“Mariana is--”

“A friend of mine,” you cut Casey off before she could insinuate that you were in any kind of relationship that didn’t boil down to head over heels for the two of you. “I think she’s about to eat Serena alive, though,” you continued. That got the three of you laughing, Casey letting her head fall back, her soft red waves grazing over the tops of her shoulders. Alex pressed herself closer to you. If you turned towards her right then, just the slightest bit, you’d be touching in all kinds of important places. You felt your skin heat at the thought. She was close enough that you could feel her chest rise and fall from her side, that the scent of her shampoo and tequila filled your senses and suddenly it was all too much: the sounds, music, chatter, clinking glasses, the smells, the warmth and humidity of the space not to mention the same look on Casey’s face and your mildly drunk state. Your head was spinning. You coughed, overwhelmed. “Excuse me,” you said as you rose and walked to the bathroom, hoping you hadn’t sounded upset.

At the table, Alex looked at Casey with panic. Casey’s eyes were similarly wide and scared. “Alex, what did you do?”

---

When you made it to the bathroom, you realized what you’d done. You blew it, you panicked in a moment you could’ve taken advantage of and now all of your chances were out the window. Fuck. You leaned over the sink, breathing heavily, swallowing what could become tears. These feelings were getting excessive. You’d spent all night close to one or both of them, elegantly spinning Casey’s athletic form across the floor, gently guiding Alex’s uncoordinated self through the movements, watching the two of them fit perfectly in each other’s arms; and it had felt perfect: holding, watching, spinning, then Alex had come in close and you’d freaked out. You started coughing again from breathing hard. You heard a noise behind you, the unlocking of one of the stalls. Great, you thought, someone else was there to witness your hysterics.

That someone else was Serena Southerlyn, who carefully walked up beside you in what was

not exactly a comforting gesture. “What’s wrong with you?” she asked huffing, having spent her patience by this point. Mariana walked out of the stall and out of the bathroom doors, rolling her eyes at your plight (which was fair enough, considering that you’d failed to text her back after you slept together not once but three times before).

“Thanks,” you said, pushing yourself back from the sink to face her. You debated whether to tell her the truth, but you’d realized, at this point, how many of your rules regarding romance Casey and Alex had broken for you. You leaned back against the wall, crossing your arms in front of you. “We were talking,” you said, the nervousness still in your voice, “And Alex was so close and Casey was too, and I just, I freaked, Serena and I think I ruined it if there was an it to ruin and I don’t know what to do!” you said, all in one breath.

Serena took a breath, rubbing her eyes, then turned and begun to leave the room.

“Where are you going?” you said, “I just bore my soul to you, Southerlyn!”

“I’m going to fix this,” she said. “And you owe me one for driving Mariana away. Seriously, what did you do to her?” she asked. You started to answer, but she cut you off, “Don’t tell me.” She waved her hand at you and was gone, leaving you stunned.

---

Serena took a second to slow down the pace she was walking at so that when she arrived at the table, she wouldn’t have to slide to a halt. It wasn’t a pretty sight: Alex and Casey hadn’t moved at all, and they both looked very confused and anxious; Casey with her bottom lip between her teeth, Alex looking into her mostly empty glass like the ice cubes could tell her fortune. It was pathetic, in Serena’s opinion.

“What did you do, Alex?” Serena asked as she sat down.

Alex let out an unamused chuckle. “Why does everyone assume it’s my fault?” she replied, but gave up being defensive. “I don’t know. I thought things were going so well, but I must’ve misread her because…” she trailed off. Casey had a forlorn look in her eyes, one that Serena had seen before, years ago at a party when she and Alex had been trying to stay just friends. That night, Serena had asked her if she really was ready to let her go. Casey had looked at her with those same eyes and said, “no, I’m not,” taken a sip of her beer, “but I’m going to have to be, won’t I?” And that night, Serena pulled Alex aside and told her, and she remembered the exact words, “You can’t do this to her, Lex.” Alex had turned her eyes towards the ground, but hadn’t replied, and Serena had finished, “You can’t do this to yourself.” Those same looks and those same feelings, and Serena wasn’t going to let the two of them screw up this time either. The things she did for friendship!

“Well,” Serena said, “She’s in the bathroom hyperventilating because she thinks she ruined her chances with you. So I would advise that the two of you go fix that. Apologize or explain or whatever.” She didn’t give them time to argue. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go try to finish what I started,” she rose from the table. “You’re all grownups, talk to each other.”

They looked at one another for a moment, communicating without words, reading one another in the same way they’d learned to over the years of being in love. “So, I guess I’ll go talk to her?” Casey said, eliciting a sigh of relief from her wife. She always was better with uncertainty.

“That would be amazing of you, baby,” Alex said, squeezing Casey’s hand and leaning over the table to kiss her, before they both stood from the table at the same time, and walked away in opposite directions.

---

You hardly dared to move from where you were parked against the wall as you waited for something to happen. You weren’t exactly sure what Serena meant by “fixing” this, but it turned out that the outcome you’d most hoped for was the one you got. There was a hesitant initial push on the door, then one more insistent. Casey’d left you breathless multiple times tonight, her dress, her hair, the way her lipstick clung to the straw in her cocktail, but this, you thought, was going to win out as the most striking image of her you’d gotten: tall, confident, her dress clinging to her figure, and most importantly, blue-green eyes, taking you in.

“Hi,” you said, more quietly than you intended, questioning her.

“Hi,” she replied.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t’ve rushed out of there like that, I,” you started to say, but Casey stopped you, shaking her head and moving closer. She took your hand and pushed a curl behind your ear.

“I don’t think any of us know exactly what we’re doing,” she said, laughing a little into the words, “But I know I want to do it. Alex, too,” she said.

You nodded, swallowing, her reassurance bringing back some of your confidence. “Yeah,” you said, choosing not to dwell on coming up with the right words. She was standing so close to you that there was barely any space to close; but you closed it anyway. You pulled her in, your arms wrapped around her waist like they had been many times that night. Your lips touched, finally kissing her, in a way that felt inevitable but still surprising. It was a light, innocent, careful kiss, pleasant that way. You felt so many ways that you couldn’t quite sort them out-- excited, terrified, gratified. But most of all you wanted more. You broke the kiss for just enough time to start to catch your breath, then pulled her somehow closer, kissing her with more insistence, and there was nothing innocent about this one. You parted your lips, deepening the kiss, ready to give her whatever she would take. You sighed when she pulled away, looking up at her with eyes that you were sure must be dark with desire.

“Would you want to come home with me?” She asked, with an endearing uncertainty that you marveled at, knowing how impossible it would’ve been for you to refuse after that kiss.

You nodded, biting your lip. “Of course,” you breathed out, “but Alex…”

“She left a few minutes ago, I told her we’d meet her there.”

“Sure of yourself there, Novak?” you teased, already heading for the bathroom door.

Casey wrapped an arm around your waist as the two of you made your way towards the exit and a cab and the promise of even more closeness. “Maybe. But I was right, wasn’t I?”

Your reply was a smile and a bite of your lip.

---

You woke up to the smell of coffee and a borderline offensive amount of sunlight invading your foggy brain. You began to claw your way through the morning confusion, the suggestion of a hangover building in your temples. Three things were different about the scene. First, you always slept with your blinds closed. Second, someone else had made coffee. Third, when you stretched slightly forward you felt another body respond, pressing herself into you. You felt a rush of elation run from your forehead to your toes. While you were still sleepy, you couldn’t resist the urge to hug her tighter, thinking about last night, how you’d finally gotten what you’d been wanting for months. You thought about pinching yourself.

“Good morning,” Alex said, her voice raspy and full, you thought, of the same excited happiness you were feeling. You pushed yourself up on your side, reaching over to tuck Alex’s mussed hair behind her ear, then to kiss her temple. She hummed in appreciation, and as you pressed your lips to her neck, traced where your lips had been only a few hours ago, gentler, she breathed deeply, turning onto her back so you could kiss her properly. You did so, lazily shifting to sit with your legs tucked to the side. “Quite a wake-up call,” she said, giving you a satisfied smile.

“I’m not surprised Casey’s an early riser,” you said, in a teasing, loud whisper, “and I’m not surprised that you aren’t. I guess I’ll have to split the difference. I could stand to build better habits anyway.” Alex felt a flutter of excitement when you said that, implying this would happen enough to build a habit. You’d each shared a few hopes with one another last night, but part of her was going to be looking for reassurance for a little while yet.

Your phone rang, buzzing from your bag. Through some kind of miracle, it was Gillian’s turn to catch cases that day, so you thought it was probably spam and clicked it off without looking as you slid your feet off the side of the (very comfortable) bed to dangle above the floor. Alex made a noise of protest, placing a hand on your lower back. “Warm,” she said, when you laughed lightly.

“I’ll bring you coffee,” you said, your feet meeting the rug without a sound.

You were wearing a pair of Casey’s old terry shorts and one of Alex’s college shirts, that had a black line on the bottom where a bouncer had missed her hand. While that was all you’d heard of the story, you were now very eager to find out what kind of shows Alex Cabot had gone to in college. The shorts were fraying, especially one point on the right side (below the pocket) and you now had an image of Casey idly playing with the fabric while reading something dense so clear in your mind you may as well have seen it.

As you padded into the kitchen through the living room, you took notice of things you’d been too busy to see the night before: the extensive amount of poetry mixed in with the law books on the shelf, photos of Alex and Casey through the years, a few pieces of carefully chosen artwork. It was very put together and nothing like your place, but it felt right for the two of them. You had an idea, then, when you remembered the abundance of knickknacks that made their way into your tiny bag. You pulled out the first one your fingers found: a tiny duck carved out of rose quartz you’d picked up from a vendor and never found a place for in your apartment or office. Yes, it was silly and it stuck out, but despite all that, as you placed it on the large bookshelf, it fit.

“What’s his name?” Casey said, leaning in the door frame.

“How long have you been there,” you said, turning around and walking to meet her. “And good morning, I promised Alex coffee, so there better be some left.” Casey reached behind herself and handed you two mugs. “And his name is Apollo.”

“Of course,” she said, smiling. You then headed back to the bedroom, Casey walking behind you.

---

Your phone rang again almost immediately after the three of you got cozy in bed again. You didn’t usually get two spam calls in the same morning, so you motioned for Casey to hand your phone to you (as it was on her end table) and, seeing it was Ashley, you answered it, remembering that he was back from his trip that day and probably wondered why you weren’t there for breakfast. Casey and Alex could overhear the conversation, sharing charmed looks over the top of your head.

“Hey, are you alive?”

“I am alive, yes,” you replied, laughing.

“Ooooh, I know that tone!” he said excitedly. “Are you at their place?”

“I am, in fact,” you said, leaning into the hand Casey had placed on your thigh.

“Oh OK, details later,” he said, and when Alex gave you an over-the-glasses look you shrugged. “I’ll tell the girl that the mock trial rehash can wait,” he said.

You heard Ophélie begin to argue with him in the background of the call, and since you knew that meant she would want a complete explanation later (and because you really did want to know how her case went), you replied, “No, no, put her on, it’s OK.”

“Hmm,” he said, “It’s your ear.”

He wasn’t kidding. Your niece took the phone and shrieked into the microphone. You pulled it away from your head until she started saying words. Alex laughed as she blew on her hot coffee, making ripples. “I won!” she exclaimed, talking fast in the particular cadence of a preteen girl. “First, I presented a motion to exclude the evidence that Izzy, sorry, my client, was in the car because I found something in the packet that showed that it wasn’t admit-able,

“Admissible,”

“Admissible, and then I--”

“OK,” you said, “I am so proud of you, kiddo, but can we save the motion by motion for dinner?” mentioning the dinner you’d promised her for victory was enough to get her on a different track, half talking to you and half to her parents and sisters. “Alright bug, I’m hanging up now,” you said. “Bye!” you insisted when she didn’t respond.

“Bye!” came her distracted reply. You turned the phone off and set it aside, seeing the grins on both of the women beside you’s faces.

“What?” you said, your voice going up at the end of the word.

“I can see your influence,” Alex said.

“She’s going to start pulling case law on me in a few years, isn’t she?” you said.

“She can read our books,” Casey said. The way she offered something like that, comfortably, to your family, not scared off by them, struck something deep in you, that wasn’t infatuation or friendship, but the start of something else. “That is, if you’re comfortable with it, and not that you don’t have any,” she said, a hint of worry in her voice.

“That seems dangerous for my sanity, but she’d love that,” you said, assuaging any fear. Satisfied, Casey smiled and sipped her coffee. Another phone buzz came, this time from Alex’s side of the bed.

“It’s from Serena,” she said, reading the text aloud. “‘Congrats!!!!’ with four exclamation points, which feels like overkill.”

“I don’t know,” you said, “It feels appropriate to me.” Alex nodded, conceding, as you drank your coffee, looking at her over your mug.

---

On Monday, there was a café miel on your desk again. There was a note beside it, largely the same as all the other ones, except, it ended with a smudge of lipstick that you’d recognize anywhere. You tucked it into the box where you kept all the notes and you sat down at your desk. You felt like you’d never had a sweeter drink in your life.

---

taglist: @addictedtodinosaurs, @nocreditinthestraightworld, @cmmndrwidw, @hi-i-1, @lesbianologist, @alexlivdoncas, @laezzzi

[pugh-bug]

Scott Lang x reader slow burn Chapter 10

Warnings: none really just more angst and swearing but less than last week because i wanted to do a more light hearted chapter (this is just that by my standards lmao) I hope you enjoy … there is going to be smut VERY soon

The last week had been harder to manage than any ‘villain’ or threat to humanity that your friends had faced. Of course the physical and global destruction was lacking but your heart felt broken beyond repair. It had been a fucking disaster from start to finish and was not getting much better.

‘Come on Y/N, it’ll be okay.’

But Thor was wrong, it wasn’t. You had had to form a set of strict rules to get through each day. Number 1 (pretty obvious) :avoid Scott like the plague. Number 2: drink less and Number 3: try and stop crying over IT. None of them were proving easy and not at all fun but they did make you look a little less unhinged to your friends. Of course Thor and Tony knew how upset you were with Nat not far behind. The constant sympathetic ‘poor you’ looks were growing patronising and getting old. If they couldn’t treat you like a stable person how could you act like one?

Contact with Scott had been incredibly brief and tense to say the least. You just missed him. Who were you meant to fool around with? Who was going to hold your hand while you slept or make fun of Parker or drive you home to keep you safe? When you were alone and closed your eyes you could hear him: ‘I’m sorry if I’ve lead you on in anyway.’ But by Friday it didn’t make you cry anymore to recall it. It wasn’t sad it was frustrating. ‘Lead you on’ of course he’d lead you on and you wanted to call him out for it. Call him what your heartbroken self wanted to, a-

‘Prick!’

It was Monday: Thor’s weekly game night with ‘Noobmaster69’ and he was losing. Horrifically. Asgardians weren’t exactly fond of losing and there was, you had to admit, a lot of joy in witnessing someone so powerful fail so badly. Well you had to find relief in something. Although you did have one thing to be proud of: finally washing your greasy hair only to hear Peter singing as he got out. And you didn’t poke any fun at him because Scott wasn’t there to hear.

After deciding to stay on the couch with Thor, watching him being competitive, you continued your silent ‘soul searching’ that was so tiresome. You had become an expert on analysing every Scott interaction you had and without new ones to ‘study’ you were spent. Bored. Bored of waiting for nothing. Occasionally, you’d press pause on your self pitying to smile at Thor. Being so preoccupied with Scott had made you more neglectful of his friendship. All of your friendships really. You couldn’t remember the last long conversation you’d had with Tony that wasn’t about Scott.

‘Die! Die! Oh come o-ah Scott!’

You tried not to turn to look but it was unavoidable. Scott was stood beside the tv all of a sudden, looking dishevelled and out of place. It had been torture not to ask anyone and everyone what exactly he’d been doing the last week. ‘He’s out.’ ‘No ones seen him much today.’ ‘I dunno, maybe he’s partying.’ Fucking torture to hear. Although it was probably best he was out doing ‘things’ and away from you. At least you wouldn’t have to try and make eye contact without fighting tears. Except for that night. Of course he had to be in that night.

‘Thor…Y/N.’ Scott was almost worse than you for subtlety, his green eyes darted from Thor gaming happily to your pained eyes. And his were pained too. There was a guiltiness pressing down on him but Nat would have thought that was good. You didn’t want to be awkward around him or continue this ‘avoiding each other at all costs’ thing so you tried to end it the best way you knew how.

‘Did you hear Peter’s singing?’

It was the first thing you’d said to Scott that wasn’t ‘er’ or ‘hi’ in so long you could see relief wash over him. And you felt it wash over you in a smooth satisfying wave because his reply was:

‘Yes! It was Britney, so I had to listen.’

You both laughed, still feeling the need to to stay on opposite sides of the room for safety reasons. Thor looked amused for a moment but was invested in his game. Sweet.

‘Well,’ you leaned across the couch craving your neck closer to Scott. ‘If you like Britney maybe we should have a 00s themed party!’ Was it out of pocket? Probably. Did it feel forced to say? Yes. Did Scott look confused? Absolutely but he played along for both your sakes. It felt silly to suddenly be discussing pop star icon: Britney Spears to the man you’d been crying so heartedly over for so long. You couldn’t help feeling that he knew this wasn’t the two of you going back to ‘normal’. Not really. You had admitted far too much to ever have a ‘normal’ friendship. However it was a start.

‘Can the two of you discuss whatever nonsense Britney Spears is somewhere else?’ Thor looked as annoyed as you could be over something unimportant. Still the two of you shared a look meaning ‘Let’s leave him to it’ and walked together out of the living room. It didn’t hit you that this was the first time you had been alone with Scott since the car ‘incident’ until Nat saw you both and walked away.

‘Wow.’ You both scoffed at his strong words against Britney. ‘To speak of our lord and saviour in such a distasteful way.’ Scott dramatically put his hand on his heart and ‘fell’ backwards in agreement. ‘The horror!’ He exclaimed before you both chuckled.

‘Hey guys?’ It was Peter and he looked confused at the sight of you and Scott laughing. But who wouldn’t be after all the avoiding? You were just as confused as a participant. ‘Everyone’s kind of busy and I wanted to see B-‘

‘Back to the future playing in IMAX yes I’ll take you.’ The look in Peter’s face- bless him- he looked so pleased. Such a child. ‘Pff.’ You couldn’t help but laugh at how much of a dad Scott had just become (and the twisted part of you brain did find it a bit hot).

‘There’s a showing at 2:45-‘

‘Right. Well we’ll go to that one.’

‘Um,’

Whilst Scott was buying tickets he didn’t notice Peter’s anxious eyes flitting towards you in hopes you would offer to come. The truth was you didn’t know if one brief Britney discussion guaranteed an invite. It didn’t seem like enough but Peter looked concerned for you. Did he not want to be alone with Scott or did he not want you to feel left out? Which was it?

Your eyes moved from Peter’s to Scott’s but he chose not to give a verbal response so you let it be. ‘Enjoy yourselves,’ you smiled, overly enthusiastic as you walked away backwards. Something that didn’t escape your notice as you left was the sign of relief from Peter. There was your answer.

Mirroring Peter you let out a sign of your own, that Scott probably heard, and went to your room- but not before passing Wanda. ‘What’s wrong?’ Before you could think of a response she grinned and grabbed your hand. ‘Tony’s taking us to his pool. He’s had it redone- come on let’s go, come with us.’ Hmm. Swimming. Interactive. But she looked so excited- bless her- so you caved and returned her smile before getting changed.

Less than 15 minutes later you were sat in the passenger seat of Tony’s favourite car (you’d called shotgun of course) listening to Eminem. Poor Wanda was crammed in between Sam and Thor behind you, probably wishing she had just flown there. ‘Sam why couldn’t you have flown- to make room for Wanda?’ You asked. ‘I’m not gonna risk getting them wet. Do you know how difficult they are to re-‘

‘Look at her she’s squished though.’

‘I’ve not had enough sleep for this.’

‘I’m not arguing with you I’m just say-‘

‘Children children!’ Tony commanded the car, to no ones surprise. ‘This is not about flying. This is about getting Y/N to cheer up and for all of you to appreciate my architectural skills.’ He was driving over the speed limit but who was going to tell Tony to slow down? The man was overly caffeinated and overly theatrical.

Another 15 minutes later and you were in the ridiculously fancy changing rooms Tony had had built. ‘Why did you build so many if it’s private?’ You yelled over the door.

‘It was a strange week! Inspiration struck!’

Thor seemed to be struggling with the term ‘modesty’ because-

‘Jesu- fuck! PUT PANTS ON!’

The sound of Wanda being flashed by a God was enough to make you almost pee from laughing. They were all such children. That was a clear explanation for why you had admired Scott as soon as you’d met him. Yes he was silly but he’d actually been married. He was mature in other ways. You tried not to picture him in the cinema with Peter because what did you have to be jealous of? Peter was still dating MJ as far as you knew and Scott saw him the same way you did. You still wanted him there with you all even if it was going to be uncomfortable.

And then sadness clung itself to you like a rope with no slack. You forgot why you were even where you were in the first place. Why had you come? Oh for Wanda. But Tony said this was to cheer you up? You’d even forgotten how to swim properly, it had been so long. It had been too long since anything normal.

Tags: @supraveng @thottio @wandamaximoffshoe @aliceblxck @merleisapartygod

[thatsamericano]

Screaming and Fighting and Kissing in the Rain

Pairing/Characters: America/Romano. Past Prussia/Romano, minor Cankraine.

Rating: Teen, for cursing. Also, suggestive implications at the end, but nothing even remotely explicit on-screen.

Warnings: Self-esteem issues, including body image issues. Mentions of violence that aren’t carried out. An unwanted kiss between Prussia and Romano due to miscommunication, but Prussia respects Romano’s boundaries when he makes them clear.

Word Count: 2412

Summary: America gets upset when he plans to meet up with Romano after a meeting and sees Romano and Prussia kissing when he gets to the restaurant. Romano has to chase after America in a rainstorm to make things right.

A/N: Written for Romerica/Itapan Week Day 2: “Kissing in the Rain.” Title taken from “The Way I Loved You” by Taylor Swift.

Despite changing his outfit twice, adding an extra spritz of cologne, and taming his hair as much as he could, Romano still managed to be fifteen minutes early to the restaurant. He ordered a drink at the bar and browsed Twitter on his phone as he impatiently waited for America to show up.

This wasn’t a date, so there was no reason for him to be so nervous, Savino reminded himself. It was just supposed to be “dinner and drinks” with a friend after the world meeting, but Alfred had seemed so excited about spending time with him that an incredibly stupid part of Savino was hoping he could manage to turn this evening in another direction. Savino wanted that part of him to shut the fuck up.

So when Prussia showed up at the bar and sat down on the adjacent stool, Savino slipped his phone into his pocket and engaged in a bit of lighthearted bickering back and forth. Gilbert was a useful distraction that would help him appear relaxed instead of jittery and anxious by the time America showed up.

Romano’s mind was so fixated on America and their date that wasn’t a date that he missed signals he would have ordinarily noticed. He only realized things had gone too far when suddenly Prussia’s mouth was on top of his, and his hand was inching up from Romano’s knee onto his thigh (and when the hell did it land on his knee anyway?).

Romano tore his mouth away and shoved Prussia’s hand off him before it could climb any higher. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” Romano squawked.

Prussia gave him that annoying, smarmy smirk he was way too used to. “Trying to turn you on so you’ll agree to come back to my hotel room with me. Is it working?”

Savino scoffed and picked up his drink. “Hardly. That hasn’t worked in a century, asshole.” He took a large gulp and picked at a cocktail napkin nervously. “Besides, I can’t go to your hotel room tonight. I planned to have dinner with someone else.”

“Oh, you’ve got a date?” Prussia asked. Now that sex was off the table, he was curious in a purely friendly manner.

“Not quite. I’m uh… supposed to be meeting America here in a few minutes.” Savino smiled nervously, in a way that must have given away his true intentions, because Gilbert laughed like Savino had said something incredibly hilarious.

“That sounds like a date to me.”

Savino opened his mouth, but before he could issue a flustered denial, he saw an enraged Canada marching towards the bar with an umbrella clenched in his fist like a sword he was about to wield against some very unlucky victim. Ukraine was right behind him, and she was fluttering her hands in the air and whispering, but clearly it wasn’t calming her boyfriend down at all. America’s brother could be downright scary when he was pissed off, so Romano wisely closed his mouth and shrank back against the bar.

Canada pointed a finger straight at Romano. “You!”

“Me?”

“What the fuck did you do to my brother?!” Canada snarled, resembling a polar bear. A fully grown, vicious mama bear, not the cute little cub he carried around with him sometimes.

“I… I didn’t do anything, I swear—”

“Well, somebody must have done something! Because Alfred practically ran out of here crying, and Alfie doesn’t cry like that for no reason! I know for a fact he was supposed to be hanging out with you tonight because he told me all about it after the meeting! He was so happy about getting to spend time with you, and now look what you’ve done!”

Romano felt nauseous with guilt. “Fredo was crying?”

Ukraine nodded solemnly. “I’ve never seen him like that before. Matviy tried to ask him what was wrong, but Alfred was so upset he couldn’t even answer him.”

“Shit,” Prussia whispered. He turned to look at Romano. “Do you think he saw us kissing and got the wrong idea?”

Canada ground his teeth together and gave Prussia a look that was colder than the chilliest day in the Arctic. Ukraine put a hand on her boyfriend’s bicep to keep him from lunging forward to beat the shit out of Gilbert like he clearly wanted to.

Savino hopped down from his barstool. “This is all a horrible, hideous misunderstanding. Where do you think Alfred went?”

Matthew released an irritated huff of air. “He was going out the front door. He’s probably on his way back to the hotel now.”

“Grazie.” Romano dashed past Canada and Ukraine and dodged a couple waiters and a few drenched guests on his way out the front door.

When he pushed open the restaurant’s heavy front door, Savino was instantly confronted by a harsh wind whipping through his hair and rain pelting down on him as thunder boomed from the clouds. The sky, which had been merely overcast earlier, was now in the midst of a full thunderstorm, but Romano didn’t care about getting wet or ruining his Armani suit or Ferragamo shoes. He only cared because the inclement weather made it harder for him to see.

Romano swung his gaze desperately around the street and quickly spotted a blond man in a business suit swiftly walking down the block several meters ahead of him. Romano ran towards him and started yelling.

“Alfred! Alfred, slow down so I can talk to you, damn it!”

When he got closer, he could see that the man he was chasing was indeed America, and that his shoulders were trembling. He was sobbing, just like Canada had said. “Leave me alone! Go back to making out with Prussia! That’s what you’d rather do anyway!”

“Don’t tell me what I fucking want, idiota!” He was close enough now to grab America’s jacket, which he did, forcing America to turn around and face him. “If I wanted to make out with Prussia, I wouldn’t be out here in the rain yelling at you!”

America’s face was met with a mixture of rainwater and tears. He was soaked through to the bone, just like Romano was, and his electric blue eyes were swimming with misery and betrayal.

“You know, Vinny, it’s bad enough that I had to walk into that restaurant, expecting that I’d get to spend time with you, alone, and see you shoving your tongue down Prussia’s throat. But I at least thought you respected me enough to not lie right to my face. Guess I was wrong!”

Romano shook his head. “That’s not what happened, damn it! If you’d just listen, I could explain—”

America made a noise between a derisive laugh and a wet, hiccupping sob. “Explain?! Explain what?! Let me guess, it didn’t mean anything, and you and Gil are just good buddies! Because kissing your friend like that is a totally normal thing to do, right?!”

Savino’s throat was closing up, and he didn’t know what to say. Because Alfred was half-right in his hysterical shouting. A long time ago, he had kissed Gilbert like that, and even slept with him, but their relationship had never turned romantic. There had been mutual interest and mutual understanding between them, but never love. He would have never run away crying into a rainstorm if he’d seen Prussia kissing someone else, and he knew Prussia wouldn’t have either.

Which made him wonder: why the hell was America reacting like this? He was acting like Romano had ripped out his heart, stomped on it, and then laughed about it while high-fiving Prussia, which didn’t make any sense, unless…

“Fredo, do… do you want me to kiss you?”

Alfred whimpered like Savino had just stabbed him in the guts. He hunched his shoulders to shrink down as much as his tall frame would allow and squeezed his eyes shut. “I get it, okay? Gil is… he’s more attractive than me. He’s less fat, for starters. He can be loud too, but most people aren’t as annoyed by him as they are me. He’s older and smarter than I am, so he’d actually know how to kiss people. Of course you’d want to be with him instead of me.”

The thunder rumbled ominously as Romano reached out to touch America’s shoulder. “That’s not true. None of that is true.” Dio, it hurt to hear Alfred talk about himself like this. Like he was nothing. Like his feelings, which were clearly hurt, didn’t matter.

America continued, disregarding what Romano had said.  “It’s okay. You don’t have to try to make me feel better. I know you don’t like me the way I like you. You’ve got every right to kiss Prussia or whoever it is you want. But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t kiss them right in front of me, because it hurts. It hurts a lot more than you realize.” Alfred’s lower lip wobbled dangerously, and Savino could barely hear his voice over the wind and rain. “I’ve never… I’ve never even wanted to kiss anyone other than you. Talk about pathetic, right?” Then Alfred started weeping too hard to continue speaking and making these awful, animalistic, heartbreaking noises Savino never, ever wanted to hear again.

Savino reached up to wipe the tears and rainwater away from his cheeks. “You’re not pathetic, amore. You’re gorgeous, and smart, and fucking amazing. I don’t care if it takes all night, I am going to stand here in the rain with you until you believe me.”

Alfred sniffled and looked down at Savino like he was some strange, otherworldly creature he’d never seen before. “Did… did you just call me amore?”

Romano felt a white-hot flash of embarrassment at having his openly sappy words pointed out to him, but that only made him more determined and stubborn. “That’s right, I fucking did! You better get used to it, because I like you a lot, damn it! And that means I get to call you whatever sappy shit I want!”

Alfred laughed and pulled him closer by the waist. “You can call me whatever you want, baby doll. Just as long as you aren’t calling Prussia that too.”

Savino rolled his eyes and vainly pretended he wasn’t shivering from the possessive tone America had used with him or the ridiculous pet name. “For the record, I’ve never called Prussia amore, even when I was hooking up with him. And I wasn’t kissing him earlier. He kissed me, and I pushed him away.”

Alfred tilted his head and grinned. “You wouldn’t push me away if I kissed you right now, would you, Vinny?”

Savino had never felt more exasperated. “Honestly, the fact that you even have to ask—”

Alfred chuckled and leaned down to kiss him, and Savino closed his eyes. At first, Alfred was tentative and uncertain, but with Savino’s encouragement, he gradually grew more confident. His lips were cold and wet from the rain, which wasn’t ideal, because Romano was not a fan of this kind of weather. He obviously didn’t know what to do with his hands, but the fact they were roaming all over Romano’s back like he couldn’t touch him in enough places was flattering as hell. Overall, it wasn’t perfect, but the kiss was equal parts loving and desperate, so it was pretty damn incredible.

Then, with no warning, America lifted Romano’s feet off the ground like he weighed nothing at all. Savino groaned into his mouth and wrapped his legs around Alfred’s hips so he wouldn’t fall over. And because the fact Alfred could just lift him up like that was stupidly hot and making his mind wander to ideas he definitely wanted to explore somewhere more private than this very public sidewalk in front of God knows how many people.

He was a panting, horny mess by the time Alfred pulled away to breathe. Alfred was still holding Savino up, like he could do this all night, and he was smirking.

“Well, how was it? Was I better than Prussia?”

Romano smacked his shoulder without putting much force behind it. “You don’t have to beg for compliments. It was better than anyone I’ve ever been with. Especially the part where you lifted me off the ground.”

“I could carry you around like this for hours. I could pin you up against a wall too, if there was a wall nearby.”

“You should definitely do that at some point. But for now, I’d like to stand again.”

America obediently set Romano back down on his feet and let go of his waist. He gestured back down the street, from whence they had come. “We had dinner plans earlier. Do you want to go back to the restaurant, or…”

“It’s getting late. I think we should go back to the hotel.”

Alfred took his hand and led him down the street. “Makes sense. The hotel has room service. Plus a shower with hot water and fluffy towels. We can get warm, change into dry clothes, then order something to eat.”

He squeezed Alfred’s hand. “The hotel also has walls. And beds that are definitely too big for just one person.”

Alfred’s eyes widened, and he choked on air. “That’s… yeah. Lots of good stuff at the hotel.”

Savino smiled to himself without saying anything. As smooth and seductive as Alfred might pretend to be, this was entirely new territory for him, so he was naturally overwhelmed. It wouldn’t help him to know that his innocence was one of the most adorable things Savino had ever seen.

The light was red when they arrived at the crosswalk, and they had to stop to let cars pass by. Romano leaned up to kiss America’s cheek, and America gave him a puzzled look afterwards.

He shrugged, feigning nonchalance as best he could. “I just love you is all.”

Alfred beamed down at him, brighter than the high-beams of passing cars. “I love you too.” He tilted Savino’s chin up and kissed the bridge of his nose. “And I cannot wait to take you home with me.”

Home, hotel, a colony on the moon… at the moment, Romano would gladly go wherever America would take him. When the crosswalk light turned, he grimaced at the fact his Ferragamos had to wade through a muddy, filthy puddle, but it was worth it to be a few steps closer to a hotel room where they could finally be alone at last.

[lilsunshiny]

Thoughts on The Last Of Us Part II

WRITING (creative process)

the game’s storyline is straight to the point, you can see from the trailer that it’s going to be a timeline about revenge. the whole game happens around joel’s death in the beginning and I guess that’s the whole reason why people are upset. but guess what? neil druckmann’s goal was to make you upset, angry and nostalgic. he accomplished his goal and that’s why you’re feeling the way you are.

you not liking the the way things went down does not mean the game’s writing is awful, it just means you were expecting something and got another. not liking something isn’t a crime and it’s totally ok as long as you respect the creators and don’t use your hate to put others down, it’s a valid opinion and that’s it.

what makes a story good is the writing and the thought put into it to make the player/reader/viewer feel a certain way, and the developers did an incredible job to do that. we feel frustrated, anxious and weird the entire gameplay and that’s exactly what they wanted from us, which means they won. I’ll talk more about my opinion on the storyline far ahead.

the graphic visuals of this game are RIDICULOUS, they’re perfect. every detail is insane to look at, they worked so hard to get it right and it was so worth it. every time I entered a new scenario I would just go into photo mode and appreciate the art because that’s what makes the game unforgettable and groundbreaking. the red lighting scenes were so perfectly made and so badass, the sky when ellie goes outside the farm with JJ is breathtaking just like every other view in the game. by far the most beautiful game I’ve ever had the honor to play.

STORYLINE (joel’s death)

the first game gave us a story about love and hope, making us guide joel into taking ellie to the fireflies looking for a cure based on ellie’s immunity. we spend the whole game thinking we’d get to the fireflies, make a cure and live happily ever after but that never happened in those terms. the gameplay made us slowly fall in love with joel and ellie as characters, joel for his tough personality that would fade under the influence of a little girl and ellie for her nativity and innocence as a young teenager who really wants to help other people by making a cure. that’s the whole situation of it, joel getting attached to ellie while she developed a paternal affection for him but in the end joel ends up doing an unforgivable thing, basically destroying the hope for a cure and ruining all hope for the world to heal from the outbreak, so he decides to lie to ellie blaming the fireflies for everything so he doesn’t lose her trust and love.

I do understand liking and loving joel as a character, myself included, because they made the game thinking about it and they knew the audience would develop a major caring for him and ellie as daughter and father, that’s how it was supposed to go and it worked it.

now let’s talk about joel’s death. I think we were all surprised to watch him die so early in the game but considering the game time and storyline, it would have never happened differently. his death was brutal, violent, merciless and inhuman, abby and her crew tortured him until he couldn’t take it anymore and he obviously suffered with ellie being held to the ground begging them to stop. I agree that it was a horrible death but we can’t just pretend joel was a sweet innocent hero because he wasn’t, the audience portrays him as a hero when he literally stopped the human race from being saved, killing the fireflies and acting out of pure selfishness. joel isn’t the angel some people paint him as, he’s not a good person and if ellie herself could never forgive him for what he did, who are we to do so? she said she would try but she never got the chance to and it took her years to even come to terms with it.

most importantly, it’s obvious that people forget these characters are human beings, not real people but they’re real in that universe and technically speaking, they run and feel the same way we would feel if we were in their shoes. they’re people, every character in the game is a person, with feelings, a background, a past, a personality and thoughts. they’re no different than us except for them living in a post apocalyptic world were morality and ethics aren’t taken into consideration since there is no law or living lifestyle.

for us to understand this storyline, we need to step away from our society’s view of morality and wrong or right, because that does not apply to them, everyone in the game has killed people and/or have done something morally questionable in their life since it’s the apocalypse and there is no wrong or right, there’s only how the characters feel about certain situations and how they act on them, which is basically what guides the entire game to happening the way it did: human feelings.

joel obviously changed after the first game, since he starts living in jackson and having to raise ellie as a daughter in a relatively normal town with other people, he’s not the same person as he was in part I, now he turned into a father and a friend, not a merciless mercenary who doesn’t care about others. we see that when he and tommy decide to help abby, a complete stranger who was about to die in the hands of infected, and maybe that’s what led people into hating abby with their heart. but ending this topic, joel’s death was bound to happen, you can’t just expect someone to destroy the world’s hope for a cure and leave with no people being angry at him and wanting revenge, that cure could’ve saved many people’s loved ones but he chose to save his loved one. if joel is indeed a terrible person or not, that’s up to you to decide, that’s more of an internal turmoil within yourself that is different for everyone depending on their experience from part I and how they view joel in the end. it’s kind of messed up if you think about it, would you let the only person you care about die for a not confirmed chance of a cure in a world that is already doomed? that’s a question for yourself.

joel’s death happened so you could see things from multiple perspectives, which is the whole fucking point of the game. there are multiple sides to every story, it’s the same world we live in except in different circumstances. your actions affect others, people have feelings and if you hurt them they might act a certain way, those characters are no different than us because they were based on genuine human thoughts and actions.

ELLIE (growth and development)

ellie is one of the most well written characters I’ve ever seen in my life. she’s the symbol of badass but fragile woman and that’s so amazing to me. as the game goes by we start seeing many sides of ellie, she slowly starts to turn into a completely different person after joel’s death and her urge for revenge. killing abby becomes her main priority the second she leaves jackson and that’s clear in the way she acts and treats others. I’ll have to play the game again to pay more attention to ellie and abby’s behavior throughout the timeline. ellie is the reflection of how the excessive amount of effort you put into a negative thought, the more it will bring you and your loved ones down. watching ellie during the story is such a nice experience, there are times where you love her to death, others you get annoyed with her or don’t agree with how she acts, and that’s exactly how the creators wanted you to feel. revenge takes ellie’s soul from the inside out, from her not being able to forgive herself for letting joel die to her going after abby for nothing but hate for herself in the end.

ellie’s journey is exciting to play and to witness as her relationship with other people (specially dina) starts to fade away and being consumed by hate and regret. we were manipulated into loving ellie since part I and I don’t think she’s a bad person, she lost everything in the hands of other people and went through a lot, losing joel was a deal breaker for her but she just didn’t realize soon enough that killing abby wasn’t going to make things better. ellie’s gameplay was meant to make you reflect on losing a loved one, grief, mourning and revenge, she’s not the lost kid from part I anymore, she’s a grown woman who just lost her dad and she doesn’t even know exactly why. the funny thing for me, which is what makes the story realistic, is that ellie didn’t fully forgive joel yet she still suffered from losing him and went after abby for revenge, when not even herself could forgive him, that’s pretty realistic in my opinion. it’s the human uncontrollable instinct of still missing someone you’re mad at and not being able to say goodbye.

for me, ellie is the perfect and most detailed reflection of revenge and what it can do to you. the game is much more than “revenge is bad don’t do it”, we all obviously know it’s bad but we still have an urge to fight back against it and make the person who hurt us suffer too because it’s not fair for us and it wasn’t fair for ellie until the very last moment.

ABBY (point of view and perspective)

by far the most controversial character of the game. I’ll star off saying I actually like abby and I think the people who hate her so deeply just didn’t understand how things go. hating abby is no different than hating ellie, they’re in the same situation for almost the entire game. abby lost her father in joel’s hands, she was still a teenager and seeing her own dad die for trying to save humanity isn’t easy, just like ellie watching joel being tortured and killed wasn’t easy. being fully honest ellie would’ve done the same thing abby did if joel was the doctor and we can’t deny that.

on the other hand, I do think the ellie and abby gameplays could’ve been distributed better, maybe switching from ellie to abby and back and forth so it wouldn’t get too tiring or confusing since we don’t know the exact timeline when we first play it. that’s the only slightly negative thing I have to say about the game.

I do think abby is a great character, they built her perfectly to make the audience hate her in the begging, painting her as a sadistic monster only to show her side of the story later on in the game and make you realize that you have been wrong all this time, making you see the bigger picture and understand that ellie isn’t the only person in the world, she isn’t loved by everyone, she’s just a girl in the world and so is abby. they both have fucked up pasts and they both lost a lot, and in terms of personality, they’re actually quite similar. we love ellie because we got to see her grow up and WE know that deep down she’s not a bad person, the first impression we had of abby was of her recklessly killing joel with a golf club when ellie was begging her to stop, since that we tend to think abby is a horrible person and that ellie is an angel, but it’s not like that at all. obviously ellie didn’t do anything wrong up to that moment to justify that happening to her, but ellie isn’t the best person in the world either.

the duality in this game was created on purpose and with a deeper meaning, ellie is ellie, abby is abby and the cycle of revenge goes on until both parts understand that it’s useless to keep going. abby let go before ellie could and let her and dina live because of lev, killing joel didn’t change abby to the better, lev changed her. tommy couldn’t change ellie, jesse couldn’t change ellie and not even dina could do it, ellie had to change and forgive herself alone. the point I’m trying to make is that abby is no better than ellie and ellie is no better than abby, they’re both emotionally drained women who are not wrong or right in the end of things.

DINA (support and reflection)

dina is the only character I will 100% defend because she’s flawless and did absolutely nothing wrong during the whole game. in my head she represents ellie’s good side, dina is the constant reminder that ellie hasn’t lost her humanity and hasn’t completely changed into someone else because of revenge, even when she has her downs (example: calling her a burden when dina says she’s pregnant). dina is the most forgiving and loyal character, she loves ellie more than anything and it shows. the sad part of it is that even with dina’s huge amount of love and affection, that doesn’t stop ellie from going in the wrong direction, which brings us to another life lesson: loving someone is a choice you make everyday and nobody can control your choices when you’re determined to do something.

ellie decided to go after abby, dina followed and supported her the whole way through, then she took that for granted and left dina and JJ behind to go after abby again (after abby let her and dina live) officially breaking dina’s heart. that was a choice, dina obviously cared so much about ellie, loved her so much but she couldn’t change ellie’s mind. but the point here is that dina is a reflection of ellie’s bright side, she keeps ellie sane until the very last moment, saving her life multiple times, going with her in a revenge journey, “you go, I go, end of story”, telling the wolves to fuck off and staying by ellie’s side, constantly putting her life at risk while being pregnant, she has loves ellie for such a long time even before getting with jesse (you can read ellie’s journal where she says cat told her dina is jealous of their relationship) and she probably took ellie back when she came back from santa barbara (a theory that I believe in because it makes sense).

dina is one of the few positive ends in the universe of the last of us, highly optimistic, funny, beautiful and an amazing support system for ellie. if it weren’t for dina, ellie would’ve become a monster.

LGBTQ+ REPRESENTATION (ellie x dina and lev)

it’s 2020 and people are still talking shit about the game just because of queer characters. that’s why I say people who hate the game are people who either didn’t capture the story or just didn’t even try to pay attention because of a closed mindset bigot sandwiches. representation is the best path to general acceptance, making people see different stories and realize that someone’s gender or sexuality does not influence on the quality of art.

ellie is a lesbian, that’s clear in the game when she says she’s “not into jessie’s type” (such a nice dialogue by the way), she talks about her ex girlfriend and clearly has had a crush on dina for the longest time (probably the reason why she broke up with cat).

dina is bisexual, in my opinion she always had a crush on ellie but maybe she lost motivation to to after her when she started to get close to cat and started talking to jessie because of that and it ended up working.

now dina and ellie’s relationship is probably the only thing that keeps us sane throughout the game, when we sit down to think “thank god ellie has dina, that means she’s not alone”, which is basically the whole concept of it, ellie not being alone because dina is there to hold her to the ground and stop her from becoming someone she doesn’t want to be.

lev being trans is something I can‘t have an opinion on, I have seen both sides: people saying it was a good approach and others saying it wasn’t an accurate representation. I’m not trans so my opinion isn’t valid and I can definitely see why many people think it was a bad reach but I also can see the other side, so I won’t comment on that.

the nice thing about representation in this game is that they brought it up as a normal thing, the only moment the focus is sexuality is when seth was being a dick and called dina the d-word, ellie got defensive but dina stopped her from getting into a fight. even then the main focus of that situation was how ellie dealt with joel saying she didn’t need his help. the point was never ellie’s sexuality, never, not even in a single moment, because it was never an issue. in a post apocalyptic society people don’t pay much attention to being homophobes (unless they’re in a fanatic religious cult or just assholes like seth).

the game approached the subject very bluntly but in a normal way, not making it that huge of a deal but it is a big deal for those who seek comfort and/or are dealing with their sexuality in a way. if a character they admire ends up being part of a minority group, they can relate to that and feel more comfortable in their own skin. we’re here, we’re real and we exist even in a fucked up infected world.

ENDING + THOUGHTS (moving on)

the last of us part II is a story about revenge, being completely different than part I which is a story about love and surviving. what happens in the second game are the consequences of the first, the choices joel made reflected upon himself, saving ellie costed everything; the cure, people’s lives and maybe a brighter future. people who are bashing the game for it’s storyline and how things went down need to understand that it’s not because we love joel that his actions didn’t matter to others. joel is a human being, so is abby and those who got harmed by joel’s choice to save ellie. joel killed abby’s dad, abby went after him for revenge, a predictable and reasonable thing to do if you just try to see it from her point of view, keep in mind that ellie would do the same exact thing.

if you can’t get yourself to see things from other people’s point of view, you missed the whole point of the game. the storyline isn’t summed up in “revenge is bad don’t do it kids”, it’s just based on the fact that death can never and will never bring you any sort of relief.

the game is the reflection of the cycle of revenge. abby going after joel for killing her dad, ellie going after abby and killing all of her friends in the process, abby finally breaks the cycle letting ellie and dina live but ellie couldn’t get over the guilt and went after abby again, yet she ended up letting her ago and officially breaking the chain for good.

the whole concept of the game is how seeking someone else’s suffering can lead to full destruction of someone’s character and values.

if ellie had killed abby she would’ve turned into the monster she was fighting against and she would lose literally everything she hadn’t already lost: her humanity. I don’t actually know the exact reason that compelled ellie to let abby go, maybe it was losing her fingers and realizing that she’ll never be able to play guitar again, which was her very last memory of joel and what he taught her. it could also be thinking of lev and how he’s the only thing abby has and vice versa, which is what she had with joel and what was taken from her, therefore she didn’t want to turn into the person who put someone through the same pain she was going through. technically if she killed abby she would have to kill lev to avoid him coming after her and continuing the cycle and doing that would kill ellie even more.

to make this shorter, abby moved on earlier than ellie. mostly because abby actually got her revenge killing joel but you gotta look through things before you put all the blame on her. ellie lost everyone in her life, her parents, riley, tess, sam and then joel, going after abby was a defense mechanism since she couldn’t have done anything to save those she lost before, but losing the one who took care and raised her was something she couldn’t bare, specially when she thought joel was the only person she had even though they weren’t in good terms and she and dina weren’t a thing yet.

ellie needed to revenge joel at all costs because that’s what she thought he would want, but in the end she realizes he would want her to move on and be happy, because that’s what he always tried to give her: the best shot in life that he couldn’t give sarah. ellie thought that by killing abby she would be able to let go, when in reality she would just feel more guilty for leaving lev alone like she was having no emotional relief concerning her PTSD. ellie got to that beach fully aware that killing abby wasn’t going to solve any of her problems, but a single memory of joel made her make the decision that she wasn’t going to let her go without a fight. their final fight was silent, in the middle of nowhere, they had absolutely nothing to say to each other because they were both fighting for nothing but excessive mental emptiness. they both knew that nothing would bring their loved ones back and they were ready to move on.

what the game wants to teach you is that nothing good comes from searching revenge and other’s suffering. ellie gets consumed by her own view of justice and ends up losing herself both inside and outside, when she comes to terms with the fact that killing abby won’t bring joel back from the dead, it’s already too late. she lost jessie, her friendship with tommy, her good memories with joel, her fingers which results in her not being able to play guitar anymore, the love of her life and her son.

in the last of us part one ellie says that her biggest fear is to end up alone, and the saddest part of all is that her actions led her to making that fear come true. the ending is ambiguous, it can mean something different to different people depending on what you choose to interpret things and how you view the characters. for some, ellie could just end up alone looking for a life purpose that doesn’t involve anyone from her past. to others, ellie returned to jackson and proved dina that she loved her and that now she’s ready to fully commit because she let go of her anger and is at peace with herself and her inner struggles. but that’s all up to you to decide what you want to believe in.

at the end of the day, this storyline is beautiful, heartbreaking, breathtaking and emotionally draining. it makes you think and open your mind to new perspectives, which is honestly one of the best things art is able to do, create a new universe for you to deep your thoughts in and take your own conclusions. the last of us didn’t have a bad or good ending, it had a realistic ending. just because they didn’t make this the way you wanted it doesn’t mean the writing is bad, it means you’re probably disappointed and that’s fine, but hating on it isn’t the way to make a point.

I can only thank everyone involved for creating this world and making me so invested in it, connecting me with these amazing characters and emotions that I never experienced playing a game before. there is nothing more to say except: endure and survive.

[punksarahreese]

CLOTH : bandaging a wound for anxious ava 🥺

Sorry this too me so long but god anxious Ava is a baby we must protect 🥺

Content warnings: mentions of blood, needles, and wounds

***

"Doctor Reese to the CT surgery floor, Doctor Sarah Reese to the cardiothoracics floor"

Sarah raised an eyebrow as she got that page, she didn’t often get called up to CT. The only times she did was for her father or Ava, or the occasional cardio patient who needed a psych consult. Since her dad was in jail where he was supposed to be, she assumed it to be one of the latter options.

She told Doctor Charles she would be back and he just waved her away, preoccupied with whatever case Natalie was trying to show him. With a sigh she left the ED, heading to the elevator and hoping this would be an easy case.

Sarah had barely stepped off the elevator before Connor stepped in front of her, nearly giving her a heart attack.

"Jeez, Reese, jumpy much?"

"You know I am!" She rolled her eyes and looked at the surgeon, "I assume it was you who paged me, then?"

"Yeah," Connor replied, his face dropping. That made Sarah a bit worried, told her maybe this wasn’t about a patient.

"Consult or Ava?"

"Ava," he said, gesturing for the resident to follow him. Her heart dropped at that but she obeyed, having to half-jog to keep up with his long strides.

"What happened?"

"Long story," Connor said, "Had a very snappy patient who did not want to be treated by a woman. Refused even though Doctor Latham had assigned Ava the case."

"God, some people..."

"We eventually persuaded him that she needed to assist me in surgery regardless because she’s the CT attending. But all through pre-op he was making shitty comments and honestly she looked fine and didn’t react at all."

"Okay..."

"But then she was shaking like a leaf when scrubbing in so I told her it was okay if she needed a fellow to take her spot. Ava being Ava she refused and..."

They had reached the scrub room and sarah looked at Connor quizzically, expecting him to continue the story, but he just gestured to the door. Confused, Sarah opened the door and she blanched at the sight in front of her.

Ava was sitting on the floor, tears streaking down her cheeks and a wad of blood soaked gauze pressed to her left arm. She was visibly shaking and had her back pressed firmly against the huge sink, as if it would protect her from physical harm.

"Ava?" Sarah was on the floor in an instant, though she hesitated to touch her. She looked at Connor again, voice wavering when she asked, "What happened?"

"She was shaking too hard," he repeated, "Dropped the scalpel and it hit her arm before anyone could move."

"Oh God," the brunette sighed, "Ava?"

Her girlfriend looked up at her with watery eyes, "S-sorry... didn’t... I didn’t mean to fuck up."

"Ava, it was an accident," she promised, "Can I see?"

"Needs stitches I think," Connor filled in, "No damage to the radial artery but definitely deep. She wouldn’t let me or anyone else clean or stitch it though."

Sarah was holding the injured arm in question and could feel Ava shaking in her grasp. She carefully peeled back the gauze to show a steadily bleeding wound curling around the left side of her forearm, thankfully a clean cut though so it would suture nicely at least.

"Ava? Can you let someone get this cleaned and closed, please? You’re bleeding too much and I don’t want you to pass out on me."

The surgeon looked at her with alarmed eyes, the thought of anyone else touching her at that point clearly unsatisfactory, "No."

"Ava..." Connor sighed, "Come on, I’ll do it so it won’t even leave much of a scar. Five stitches and you’re done."

"No!" Ava tried to cover her ears to block out his voice, which effectively sent the gauze flying and blood running down her arm. Sarah cursed lowly at the sight, hushing her girlfriend as she asked Connor for more bandages. When he disappeared into the OR to grab some, Sarah reached gently for Ava.

"Hey, Aves," she said softly, "Why don’t we go sit in the OR and get you cleaned up? Your need stitches but it won’t take long, I promise."

"You do them," Ava replied firmly, "Not Connor."

"Baby, I haven’t done stitches in a while, are you sure?"

Connor had returned with another clump of gauze, passing it to Ava who took it wordlessly. She let Sarah press it to the wound, which was still bleeding a fair amount.

"Sarah does the stitches," Ava repeated, "Or none at all."

"Ava, really?"

"Connor, it’s fine," Sarah got to her feet, "I can do five sutures. Plus it’s a clean cut so I’m not too worried about scarring."

After a little persuasion, Connor led Ava into the operating room while Sarah washed her hands. She scrubbed the blood off them, wincing when she realized just how much Ava had bled on her. This could have been worse, she was glad this was an accident and not intentional, but her worries about her girlfriend’s emotional stability were still nagging at her mind.

She pulled on some gloves and went into the OR, finding Ava sitting on the table with a zoned out look on her face. Connor was holding the gauze to her arm now, though the other surgeon looked annoyed that he was there.

Sarah found the suture kit laid out for her already and she sighed, prepping the local anesthetic for Ava as she sat down on the stool in front of her.

"Little pinch, Aves," she said, administering the numbing agent around the wound so she wouldn’t feel the suture needle as much. Sarah hated seeing Ava flinch like that, though she knew it was more from her being overwhelmed than any fear or pain.

"You can go, Connor," Ava said, her voice wavering as she spoke. She wasn’t trying to be harsh, but she hated appearing weak and definitely hated having Connor watch her like this.

"I-."

Sarah looked up from where she was cleaning the wound with an alcohol wipe, "It’s fine, I have her."

"Okay... I’ll be in the ward if you need me."

The second Connor left, Ava let out a pained breath she had been holding. Tears had started falling down her face again, startling her girlfriend.

"Baby?"

"Fine," Ava replied, wincing as the cold antiseptic stung her arm,"Just... hurts."

“I’m sorry,” Sarah replied softly, noticing Ava was still shaking, “Do you need some Versed or something?”

“No, I’m okay, Sarah.”

“Okay...”

Sarah fell silent as she got the sutures ready, warning Ava before the first one. She held her arm still as the needle passed through the skin, thread tugging the two sides of the wound together. She was as gentle as possible, still trying to work quickly so she could move on to calming down her girlfriend.

Once the last stitch was done and tied off, Sarah cut the excess and viewed her work with a little scrutiny. Even though she was still buzzing with anxiety and pain, Ava couldn’t help but think it was downright adorable seeing her girlfriend act like an ER resident.

“Not the prettiest but it will suffice,” she was saying, “Well have to get you an HIV test too.”

“Not again,” Ava whined, “If they put me on antiretrovirals again I swear.”

“This patient wasn’t HIV positive, was he?” When Ava shook her head, Sarah nodded, “Then it’s just a legal precaution to get tested since you were exposed to blood-on-blood contact. No antiretrovirals unless a positive result.”

Ava huffed at that but let it go, training her gaze on her arm. Sarah had pressed a rectangle of gauze to her stitches and secured it with familiar white fabric tape. She asked Ava to lift her arm while she held up another length of gauze, “Gonna wrap it, okay?”

“Yeah.”

They lapsed back into silence as Sarah wound the sterile fabric around her forearm, keeping it tight but not uncomfortable. Her hands were incredibly gentle and she didn’t make any sudden movements without speaking first, which eased the other woman’s nerves. She was so grateful for Sarah, especially when it came to things like this. She was always gentle and loving, even when things didn’t go right or she didn’t have much control.

“There, all done,” Sarah said as she patted her hand, “Keep it dry and let me or Connor take them out in about ten days.”

“Thank you, Doctor Reese,” Ava’s tone was the lightest it had been even though she sounded congested from crying. Sarah looked at her in concern and that was the last straw, making Ava burst into tears again.

“Oh, baby,” Sarah sighed and opened her arms, helping Ava off the table and hugging her close. She hushed her gently, standing in the empty operating room as her girlfriend clung to her weakly.

“I-I’m sorry,” her voice was muffled by Sarah’s hair, “I keep... I just keep messing up.”

“Ava, it was just a slip up,” she promised, “You were upset and clearly didn’t do it on purpose. It’s alright.”

“I just hate... fuck I hate w-when Connor looks at me like that. The pity; it’s so frustrating.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“That patient... I should have been able to handle it. He was just being an ass, i-it shouldn’t have gotten to me like this.”

“Ava, you have anxiety. This is a normal response to something like that and your emotions are just amplified. Maybe doing the surgery while upset wasn’t the best choice but it’s not your fault, okay?”

“I want to go home,” Ava sniffled, “Please.”

“Yeah, let’s go home,” her girlfriend agreed with a sigh and pulled away from the hug, “We’ll tell Goodwin what happened and get your test and then go, okay?”

“Yeah...”

Sarah sighed, “Ava?”

Ava looked up at her, squeaking a little when Sarah pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. She leaned into the contact, feeling a bit more comforted by that.

“It’ll be okay,” she promised, “I love you.”

“I-I love you too.”