#readmore for length. i gotta remember to trim these a bit

[weabooweedwitch]

Different anon here, I really appreciate when you vent here. Yeah you don't have perfect thoughts, you're not a self-sacrificing saint of patience and virtue, but seeing someone let out those thoughts without worrying about always seeming like the objectively correct person in every single situation is very liberating to me personally. I've been in a very similar family situation, and I also know I was not an angel in those circumstances either. Seeing someone else willing to talk about the nitty gritty shit instead of just "oh woah is me for they are toxic and I am but a fragile victim" fuck ESPECIALLY after you got raided for it? You're brave as fuck, brutally honest as fuck, and anyone can respect your feelings, but fuck I respect YOU. I hope you're able to cut ties eventually and live a more fulfilling life, my life didn't feel like it started until I was able to break free. I'll hold out hope for you :) (and also keep an eye out if you ever decide to take comms again because I totally missed that and would've jumped on it.)

I mean don't get me wrong, I do think and kind of analyze how I must be perceived when I say certain things, not in the sense that I adjust what I say but more so internally thinkg "I probably sound like a POS right now" but like, since part of the reason I vent is for, I guess, to help clarify certain things and, get feedback if people feel the urge to, that only comes from being honest, idk? Like I guess, not that I'm really saying this is her fault, but my mom told me "oh they only believe you because they plonly heard YOUR story" so many times I just settled into "ok well if I tell EVERYTHING as I can remember it, then I'll have more information to tell if I was right or wrong".

Like for sure I definitely overshare a lot but I also try and genuinely use it not just as comfort and just, letting loose of those negative feelings, but it's also like I guess, a diagnostic tool to gauge the situation? Idk does that make sense? Like sure I COULD write in a diary that only I can see, but would that help me realize if I'm making a mistake or if I AM the victim? Does that "answer" my racing anxious thoughts? It's like that. It's like a problem I'm trying to find the solution for.

Tbh me continuing to vent after the whole raid thing is kind of in itself a very co-dependant behavior on my part because it's sort of like, I am directly making myself a target for people to potentially really try and wound me, but it's also like, the pain of having to keep everything inside and not knowing "what I'm supposed to think" or if I'm right or wrong or, even just not being heard is really much more painful to me. The doubt and curiosity and guilt for, so many things in my life can literally eat me alive sometimes.

And I even recognize that my mom has done and tried a lot for me, more than a lot of other parents. But that also doesn't erase a lot of the issues we have? Like even if I learn to calm myself down and act more, I guess, appropriately, I would still be constantly hurt by these behaviors of hers? It would still be incredibly stressful to see her scold me for things she does all the time, and I'm still upset about how I can't even go "please don't interrupt me" and her immediate response being "but YOU interrupt ME all the time" like there is definitely a mutual respect and self improving that needs to go on, I by no means consider myself perfect in any way but I will say that I consider myself better than her at reading poeple and trying to behave appropriately and empathetically. one thing that had bonded us when I was younger was, it sounds fucked up in hindsight but when we were having so many problems with my sister we would be discussing like, what do we do, how do we act around her, hey did you notice that thing she did that might be a symptom, and my mom would tell me I was so so good at predicting how my sister would respond, not even inherently in a manipulative way, like I would go "im afraid if we tell her XYZ that that will only make her angry and she won't want to talk to us" and even with these recent stressful events with her, she praised me for being able to try and communicate with my sister as best I could and even after, like, that really stressful awful visit, she turns to me and says "you were right, you were totally right, she did exactly what you thought she would do"

And its like, I just wish, she respected me enough to try and give some credence and, idk, if im smart enough when talking about everything else, why am I never smart enough when I say "hey mom this thing you did, i think was wrong and it hurt me" or even just "hey mom please don't do that thing, I think that's really irresponsible and could backfire on us" and she just gets defensive. Like, to list an example of something that doesnt even have to do sith our relationship, she says I criticize her driving too much (which I totally admit I can do sometimes, I've been having nightmares since childhood involving being in the car and I'm naturally anxious in cars) but like then I can list examples of "hey mom when you turned left at that light you literally swung over so early you were briefly in the oncoming traffic lane and crossed over the double yellow line to get into your lane, you should drive farther forward and THEN turn, i see you do this almost every day" and its just automatically "ugh Miranda it's every day with you, I can't do one single thing right"

It's almost like you know, I'm losing my patience because she won't like review her actions, and then I have to bring things up all the time, and then she just feels attacked because I'm bringing them up all the time and this almost stubbornly refuses to do anything about it almost out of spite it feels like, which then just. Makes me more impatient and call those things out more.

And on another note, like I constantly whiplash between "God she drives me crazy, I hate her, she doesn't deserve my respect, she's stupid, i have to run away and never ever see or talk to her again" to "no I want to hug my mom and tell her about all these interesting things I've read and us watch TV together and smoke together and I'll miss her when I'm gone, I have to have to HAVE TO try and fix this before it's too late because what happened between her and HER mom has done so much damage to her". We might have a bad argument where I say shitty things to her and she says shitty things to me and we could be in the car as she drives me to work and I might try and make some small talk because, idk maybe it's BPD or mood regulation but sometimes I can move on from things quickly, and she'll just give me the silent treatment or reply with something snarky and I'll think "yeah I guess I deserve that"

And other things i worry about are like, when I was living in Florida with roommates there was an incident where she slipped and fell on the ice and she had horrible body aches and was struggling to go to the store and buy food for herself and I was panicking and wanting to try and have food delivered for her? She sometimes struggles to take the trash out because she needs her knees replaced and she's kind of, always had chronic issues she's still trying to find the cause for, and like, before this recent round of our relationship getting worse we had been discussing trying to get a first time homeowners loan together so we could finally settle down somewhere and have permanant housing, something that was OURS, no more apartments, no more awful neighbors

But those things are only possible if we can work together and both of us have issues? Both of us have our own problems that have to be worked on, and, I often wonder if either one of us are just "stuck in our ways" but there are so many times where, like, obviously money is a factor but there are so many times I'm not seriously looking into moving out not just because I'm scared of being on my own but also scared of leaving her by herself and scared that, what if we break that bond and never see each other again and suddenly one of us gets into an accident or she gets sick or, you know?

And on a flipside of that, while I was living away and paying my own bills and having you know my first ever job, she needed to borrow money from me a few times and it kind of devastated me because I thought, "oh I'm finally away and taking time for myself and she's still having trouble handling things, why can't I be allowed to focus on me, have time for me, have money for ME" because like. I do consider myself a caring and empathetic person but a lot of situations were pretty much forced on me where I had to expend myself or at least my mental energy on her specifically till I just felt, empty and unappreciated and used up.

I also recognize my mom wanting to use me as a friend and therapist also stems from issues she has with being able to trust and maintain relationships with other people but that's unfortunately a thing only really she and a counselor or something can focus on. I shouldn't have been tasked with, well, by her own admission there were many times where I was her sole pillar of emotional and psychological support and that was. That was such a heavy weight on a kids shoulders? And it eventually got to the point where I would say "hey mom sometimes i feel like you only talk to me when you need something or have to complain" and she'd brush me off until, I reached an age where I would tell her straight to her face "I don't care" because she wouldn't let me set those boundaries where her venting to me was a consensual thing, it eventually became "obligatory" and it'd literally be her like, talking and talking where you haven't said anything for like 5 or 10 minutes straight and I would see her do this to my grandma to the point my grandma would literally hold the phone away from her ear and occasionally only "check back" to see if she was still going.

Like when I try and step back and look at things analytically, I think a lot of this anger and resentment in me stems specifically from my pre-teen/teen years. I was still a kid and still emotionally vulnerable and, you know, not fully developed and needing my own help, but I was mentally and emotionally "mature" enough that my mom often confided a lot in me, and even later on she admitted she tried to treat me more as a friend than as a mom, but, it got to a point where I was a huge source of support to her in ways that were damaging to me. Like jesus when I first started working and me and my mom would like, talk about my day and my problems with coworkers, I remember, I so vividly remember thinking "gosh it's sure nice to like actually be able to understand this stuff now" because I would be in elementary or middle school and she'd be talking about complex inter-work issues I literally couldn't understand? I couldn't even understand or become invested in what she was trying to say and then "wasn't allowed" to disengage from the subject. I would be in a car with her liyerallt wanting to bail out onto the road because she'd be talking and talking and not even checking if you're listening or following along

I just. I constantly have to ask myself if this is a situation that can br permanantly improved and "be normal" and, that's going to take work from both of us, and unfortunately both of us are pretty good at finding excuses